This programme contains some strong language
WOMAN: Douglas. Douglas. Douglas, I need to say something.
Douglas, I've been thinking about leaving.
I think our marriage might be over.
When you say "leaving"...? Starting again.
A new life, but not together. So divorce?
That... That's not the most important thing at the moment.
Ah, so a trial separation?
Except not a trial.
I mean breaking up.
Don't say "breaking up". 16-year-olds break up.
What you're saying is, you'd rather be alone?
We're going to be alone, Connie.
Yes, I know.
Well, tell me, tell me clearly.
I just feel that things between us might have run their course.
I don't agree.
Oh, well, if you don't agree...
We don't talk! We talk!
About the boiler, about holidays and insurance -
we don't have conversations.
So what do you want to tell me?
It's not you. Oh, don't say, "It's not you, it's me."
It's not me either, it's us.
No, it's not "us", because I don't want to leave!
I just feel...
Don't say, "I just feel, I just feel."
Say what you want. I want...change!
Right. OK, well...
...what can I do?
What do you mean?
Well, this is obviously, erm, a catalyst thing,
what-d'you-call-it, a wake-up call.
So what can I change about myself?
I don't want you to be someone else.
Because I'm quite capable of change.
You're great! I just don't think I can spend my whole life with you.
CONNIE SIGHS
I'm sorry I'm not able to be more articulate.
No, no.
That bit was quite clear.
All those years as a parent, being called Mum
until it's like my name, and then suddenly it stops.
I... I think of how empty it's going to be, every evening,
for the rest of our lives, just the two of us rattling around.
Doesn't that frighten you?
No! We wouldn't rattle, we'd do things, we'd work, we'd travel...
And then we'd come home.
I have this word in my head - "box sets".
Every time I hear it, I can feel my heart racing.
SHE SIGHS
I don't know what it is yet...
...but I need to find something else.
Great. Then...let's find it together.
Have you only stayed because of Albie? No!
We've been through a lot.
I think we've been happy.
But now...
..don't you ever think our work is done?
It was never work to me.
Well, it was for me...
..sometimes.
BIRDSONG
Do you think we could get a little sleep now?
I do feel quite relaxed.
SHE CHUCKLES
Let's try. Hmm?
CONNIE SIGHS
DOORBELL RINGS
DOG BARKS
Why do you always do this?
It's very hard to get a slot.
On a Sunday too!
If I'd known you were leaving me, I'd have pushed it to nine.
Do you want to accept the substitutes?
I don't know, Connie, do you want to accept the substitutes?
I'm sure the substitutes are fine.
Is there someone else? No! I told you...
Oh, you check the eggs?
No, I'm sure the eggs are fine. I'll check the eggs.
Yes, the eggs are fine.
So, er, who wants to do the honours?
Thanks.
Brilliant. Erm, have...have a great weekend.
Of course, we're going to have to cancel the holiday. You think so?
Well, we don't want it to be the trip of a lifetime
for all the wrong reasons, do we?
No. I can see that...
Three whole weeks is a long time to fix a smile, don't you think?
I like mine darker. I know that.
And of course we're going to lose all the deposits,
which is hundreds of pounds. Thousands, actually.
The train tickets, the hotel rooms...
Isn't it all insured?
Not against despair, no! Sh! Albie can hear you...
Clearly, I should have thought of that. I never said...
If my wife feels suffocated all of a sudden, are we covered?!
Well, if you're so concerned about the money...
Oh, Connie, do you really believe the money is my main concern here?
TOAST RATTLES
MUSIC SEEPS FROM HEADPHONES
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
Afternoon!
Please don't bring food in here, it's like a petri dish.
And open the window.
Ah!
Birds have been smoking on the windowsill again, I see.
Swallows rolling their own little cigarettes.
You can't hear anything I say, can you?
Little bit of news.
Mum's leaving me.
I'm going to the dump.
Got anything for the dump?
No?
OK, fine, you stay there...
..all day.
What's up with him?
Nothing. Just fancied going to the dump - his fortress of solitude.
MUSIC: Cosi Fan Tutte K.588 by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
MUSIC QUIETENS, KNOCK ON GLASS
Come on. Come on.
MUSIC STOPS
MUSIC RECOMMENCES
That's better.
Better e-mail those hotels, see what I can salvage...
Douglas, let's go for a walk.
Come on, come on.
Should one of us...move out or check into a hotel?
That's what you're meant to do, isn't it?
Do you want me to?
Well, I don't think that's necessary.
Not while Albie's at home.
Can you stand it until the autumn? I think so.
Look, here's the thing, though. Bear with me.
I think we should still go.
On holiday? For Albie's sake.
We're going on holiday for the sake of the kid? Why not?
You've done all that planning,
and it'd be good for you and Albie to spend some time together,
be a nice memory, before he goes to college.
And maybe if he flunks his art exam,
we could have another year of marriage.
But then maybe you can't flunk art. What is there to get wrong?
You see, this is exactly why you and I...
And when we come back, you don't even have to unpack.
You and Albie can just chuck your suitcases into the taxi.
Let's have this one last summer...as a family.
No. I'm sorry. I don't think I can.
DISTORTED RINGING
Douglas, you're late!
I came straight from the lab!
It looks like it. Cords and checks.
What is this shirt? Is it graph paper?
You look like something out of Millets' catalogue.
You're going to have to go home and change.
If I go home, I won't come back. Fine!
Oh, who knits a tie?
Honestly, Douglas, I love you, but you're a liability.
Come here.
Connie Moore. What?
Connie Moore. Connie. Who's Connie?
That's who you're sitting next to.
She's newly single, she's smart, she's funny, she's intelligent...
You promised you wouldn't do this again.
And the best thing is, she's not a snob about how people look.
No, no, I'm off. OK, too late!
Everyone... Everyone! This is my brother Douglas.
GUESTS: Hey!
Be nice to him, he's very shy. I'm not shy! Connie!
No. Can you just make room?
INDISTINCT CHATTER
Hello. Hello!
GUESTS APPLAUD AND CHEER
So, you're a, er, scientist? Er, yeah, that's right.
An evil scientist or mad scientist? I alternate.
Oh.
WHISPERS: I can't really talk about it.
WHISPERS: Oh, is it a military-industrial thing.
Too dull. My sister's torn up my list.
List? Conversational gambits.
An actual written-down list?
In my head. "Where do you live? How do you know Karen?
"What do you do for a living?"
Let's skip that part. Well, now you have to tell me.
Well, it's not a living, but I trained as an artist.
I still do it, I just always feel stupid saying it.
Oh, is that watercolours or oils or...?
CHUCKLING "Watercolours and..."?
It's a bit more complicated than that, mate.
Jake's a kind of artist too. Yeah.
Trapeze artist, yeah. In a circus.
How do you join a circus?
Is it... Is it just a question of running away to it or...?
Well, I mean, do you...do you want the long version or the....
Short version. Short version. Yeah.
LAUGHTER The scientific name is
Drosophila melanogaster, aka the common fruit fly.
Oh.
Flies.
Want to move seats?
No. Keep going.
OK, er, well, we're investigating mutagens.
So we're using chemical agents to induce genetic mutation...
Why would you mutate a fruit fly? That's not natural.
Well, there's nothing inherently unnatural about mutation.
It's just another word for evolution...
It's... It's like fungicides, pesticides.
You know, it's...it's wicked.
LAUGHS: I don't think a chemical compound can be wicked in itself.
It can be used irresponsibly or foolishly.
We've all lost touch with, you know, our...our roots.
Nobody knows what a carrot tastes like any more.
Erm, sorry, I've lost track... Everything's chemical.
Everything IS a chemical.
Mm. Carrots are chemicals.
Hmm. Karen's pasta bake is a chemical. Er...
You're chemical. Oh, I'm not.
You're 65% oxygen, 18% carbon...
Don't try and limit me... But it's literally true!
But still, I think we'd all be better off if scientists,
or you lot, stop mucking about with all this stuff.
DOUGLAS EXHALES
OK, let's say, one day, you're up there, on your trapeze.
God forbid, something goes wrong and you break your legs.
And you're in hospital and you're in chronic pain
and you pick up an infection
and the only solution is to amputate.
And let's say you refuse any kind of so-called "chemical intervention",
that's antibiotics, pain relief, anaesthetic.
And let's say you die.
You die in AGONY.
And your family and friends are rightly distraught,
but, "Thank God," they'll say, "he may be dead,
"but thank God there was no mucking about with stuff."
COUGHING, CLEARING OF THROAT
Let's sit soft.
I wish I knew about science.
I don't know why the sky is blue
or the difference between an atom and a molecule.
My niece asked me why the sea comes in and out,
and I told her it was something to do with magnets.
It is magnets, isn't it?
Or...gravity acting on large bodies of water.
Er, are you...are you all right?
Yes, yeah, sorry. It's just, well...
..chemicals.
OK, yes, I wondered why my sister kept touching my face.
Yeah, this is the answer.
I saw your pupils dilate and I thought, "Well, that's a first..."
Did you want to...?
No, I've had an indigestion tablet.
Cheeky half, for the pasta bake.
Has it kicked in yet? I think it was a dud!
Of course, the interesting fact about...
I think your sister's trying to fix us up.
I got that impression too.
She thinks I'd be good for you, or you'd be good for me, or...
Either way, nothing's going to happen.
No, I wasn't expecting it to.
No, I mean you're clearly brilliant, and it is such a relief
to talk to someone who actually knows something - a proper grown-up.
Grown-up sounds a bit dull. No, no, believe me, it isn't.
I'm on the rebound.
Bad break-up, you see. No, yeah, no, I understand. I do.
CONNIE CLEARS HER THROAT
Gosh, well, erm...
..I should probably head off anyway...
Douglas...
..would you, erm, walk home with me?
Of course, yeah. Where do you live? Whitechapel. That's eight miles.
I just want to walk, clear my head. Do you mind?
Not at all. Erm, I'll just tell Karen.
No, let's make a French exit.
What's a French exit? This.
THEY CHUCKLE
ALARM CLOCK RINGS
Hmm, hang on a sec.
Have a good day.
Bye. Bye.
So I'll see you... Yeah.
What time will you...? Usual.
OK, I'm off.
Room.
When I get back.
Dad?
What's wrong?
HE SCOFFS
ENGINE STARTS
DOG YELPS
YELPING CONTINUES
Connie!
SHE SIGHS
Douglas.
Connie! Connie! Connie! Connie, you're right.
We should still go on holiday.
Do the grand tour, for Albie's sake as much as anything...
But not just Albie's sake.
No, for all our sakes, like you said...
HORN BEEPS ..it is the last time and
maybe I haven't been paying attention.
BEEPING CONTINUES Can you give us one minute?!
But I'm noticing now,
and whatever happens in the autumn,
we'll have this last summer together.
I'm not wearing shoes. HORN BEEPS
There's probably glass. I should go back.
But I did just want to say that I... BEEPING CONTINUES
SHOUTS: Can you give us one moment, please?!
I just wanted to say... Let's not do this here.
I'm driving off now. Here I go.
Show you can change.
One - never be too tired or not in the mood.
Two...
Albie!
..avoid conflict with Albie.
Be interested. Good humour at all times.
Albie, can you bring your stuff?
Three - try new things.
Unusual foods late at night. Be open-minded.
Ah, you're going to bring your guitar? Is that all right?
Yeah. Of course. That's great!
Four - it's not necessary to be right about everything,
even when clearly right.
You know who'll be carrying this across Europe, don't you?
You mustn't panic - he wants to busk.
Well, I suppose there are worse things he could do.
I'm sure he'll do those too.
Five - be organised but maintain a sense of fun
and spontaneity.
Six - at all times be aware of Connie. Talk and listen.
Look. It's our emotional baggage. Hmm!
It's exciting, isn't it? It is!
All those cities... Three whole weeks...
No, no, sorry, you say it. Oh, nothing.
Just I'm glad we're doing this. Me too.
We'll have fun. See the sights.
You can talk to Albie.
I do talk to Albie. A conversation in a calm voice.
OK.
So we're in France exactly...
..now.
PHONE VIBRATES
..or maybe the border's halfway through the tunnel.
They ought to have a sign, except no-one would see it.
Who designed the Channel Tunnel? Nobody knows, do they?
If it was a bridge we'd know.
Bridges are show-offs, but a good tunnel - underrated.
All that rock and water over your head
and yet you feel completely safe.
I don't feel safe.
DOUGLAS LAUGHS, CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS
HE DRUMS TABLE
Look at us, three weeks, six countries, 12 cities.
We're like, I don't know, U2!
I hope we get a copy of that - the coffee cup!
He's experimenting. It's what he's meant to do at his age.
Three years to study photography. Can't he just read the manual?
I know! It's not that sort of photography...
It's photography AND art.
And he's very talented.
I just don't think he's ever taken a single picture of me.
Sees an old fridge in a skip and he's snapping away,
but his own father... Ask him, then. Hmm?
Well, if you'd like him to take your photograph,
all you have to do is ask him.
No, I don't want to be photographed.
Well, he thinks you're not interested.
Go on.
Sorry.
May I see?
Mmm! All in focus.
Just trying stuff out. It's sort of abstract, isn't it?
When we get to Paris, I want lots of the Eiffel Tower
with me sort of leaning against it.
Of course, as a career it's insane - art.
No-one makes a living. At least you get to do the thing you love.
Bio...? Biochemistry.
Yeah, literally the chemistry of life.
Every living thing. What's more interesting than that?
Even as a kid, I loved it.
I used to get these magazines, World Of Wonder and Amazing Science,
just fun facts about protein, how to make a battery out of a lemon.
You can do that? I can, if you ever need me to...
At that age it all goes in. I used...
Oh, God. I used to fantasise about
having some sudden beautiful realisation,
perpetual motion or clean, safe fission, time travel...
Are you all right? Er, yes, of course.
Sorry, it's... I'm just a bit buzzy.
Should I stop talking?
No, no, you're bringing me down, er, in a good way.
Do you actually have any idea where we're going?
The first stop is Paris - the food, the culture, the romance.
North to Amsterdam for the museums, overnight to Munich,
very exciting, then hop over the Alps to Venice,
Bologna, Siena and Florence.
And then down to the glory that is Rome,
south to Naples, and still there's more!
For the first time a flight - Madrid, Barcelona,
then across the border to Marseille and back to Paris.
Keep an eye on your bags.
Every station we've ever been to,
your father says, "Keep an eye on your bags."
Wallets too. It's...
CONNIE AND ALBIE: ...Pickpocket Central! Yeah.
Et voila!
Hotel Bontemps.
Literally Good-Times Hotel.
Technically two-stars, but with four-star reviews.
So...I thought I'd save some money and put us all in the same room.
You're kidding me!
There's bunk beds, or you can squeeze in with me and your mum.
I'm sorry, but I refuse to sleep in a...
We're next door.
OK. Thanks, Dad.
Don't touch the minibar, the mark-up's outrageous.
Remember, your father can hear a minibar open from three rooms away.
Exactly. Buy stuff outside and smuggle it in, like everyone else.
Bunk beds! Such a dad joke.
What do you think? It's very nice.
Eugh! A bit more pubic hair than I'd want in a hotel room.
All in all, I'd have preferred a chocolate on my pillow.
You're right.
Where are you going?
I'm going to go to reception and ask them to clean the room. Hold on.
Let's rest a moment.
I just want everything to be perfect. I sense that.
But it won't be, not all the time.
I don't mind.
SHE SIGHS
I caught myself napping the other day,
in the armchair, in the middle of the afternoon.
Never done that before.
I thought, "Oh, here we go. I'm becoming a woman who naps."
It's the death of the cell.
Slowing down, it's bound to happen.
Already? We're lucky to make it this far.
In the 15th century, we'd be a miracle.
Like ancient gods.
Well, that's OK, then.
I just mean it's not a surprise.
I expected you to get older.
It's still you.
I always thought, "Albie leaves home, we have time together,
"travel, go for long walks...
"...and then eventually - slow down, get old,
"look after each other and die...
"...short illness or a fall."
I realise, as a vision of our future,
I'm not necessarily selling the idea.
Let's not think too much about it.
Let's make it a rule.
Live in the moment! Yeah, yeah.
I'd better just check on Albie.
DOOR CLOSES
What do you mean, you're not coming? I want to do my own thing.
The reservation's for three people.
They can remove a chair. What are you going to do instead?
Walk around, explore.
Explore with us. Dad, I don't want to.
The whole reason we're here is to spend time together as a family.
We spend plenty of time together... Not in Paris! Douglas...
What's different about Paris?
Money for one thing. Do you have any idea how much all this costs?
Douglas! The... The money's not important!
Why bring it up, then?
Because I want it to be the three of us.
Dad, I've basically come backpacking with my parents.
You have to give me a bit of time to myself. Douglas...
..please, take me out to dinner.
There you go. It's date night.
You can settle the whole tunnels-versus-bridges thing.
I'll see you at breakfast.
Up at eight sharp!
On the streets at 8:45.
We're beating the crowds!
Ready?
Has Albie got any friends in Paris?
I think friends means something different now.
I mean, he goes online and writes, "I'm in Paris,"
and someone says, "My friend's in Paris, you should meet," so he does.
Sounds terrifying. I don't know.
All those new people. Maybe it's easier when you're young.
I found it terrifying when I was young as well.
Yes, me too. Really?
You always seemed like you could talk to anyone.
Well, most of the time I was drunk...
..or off my face on something.
But I'm sober now.
Sorry about that.
Bit embarrassing. Oh, I don't mind.
My friends always say, "Take this pill,
"have one more drink, lose those inhibitions."
I want something that'll give them back.
Imagine waking up, nice clear head, thinking,
"God, I was so inhibited last night."
Actually, that's how I do wake up. SHE LAUGHS
And doesn't that feel incredible?
Not always.
I think it sounds like bliss.
This walk is ridiculous. You OK to keep going?
Of course.
How far is that now?
8,459, just under.
What I don't understand is... Oh, no.
Go on.
Surely you know how far you've walked
because you've walked that far.
It's about goals, measurable data.
Maybe we'll cross 10K on the way home.
You look very beautiful, by the way.
That's the candles.
In the 15th century, I'm a miracle.
Look, they've got an Edith Piaf burger.
Probably the only thing...
BOTH: ..she regrets.
All dad jokes from now on.
I like dad jokes.
You look nice too, by the way.
Tie too much? Not at all.
You've got the job!
C'est possible avoir deux verres de Champagne aussi peut etre?
FRENCH ACCENT: I'll, er, bring them straight away.
How do they know I'm English?
C'est un mystere!
Maybe if I'd had lessons, like you.
I didn't have lessons - I learnt it from French people.
French boys. 20-year-old French boys with skinny chests and Gauloises.
Not at all. It really wasn't like that,
and they weren't boyfriends.
It was more, "Je t'aime mais comme un ami."
What's that? "I love you but as a friend."
Long time ago now.
It was all a bit of a waste of time, all that travelling around,
instead of getting on with stuff.
At least you were doing something useful.
Me and my fruit-fly friends? Not that useful in the end.
Bit of a plodder, really.
Douglas! I know. In the moment.
So, tell me something new.
Merci. Thank you.
Let's get hammered, shall we?
Are you sure?
Of course, why not?
Doesn't seem very dignified.
CONNIE LAUGHS
What about my 10,000 steps? Oh, forget about the steps!
This is me, as they say.
Thanks for walking me home.
Feel more sober. Saner.
If you hadn't been around, I'd have just called my ex, so...
It's only four, you could still catch him.
I think I'll leave it.
Well, I had a nice time. I didn't refer to my list once.
Throw the list away, Douglas.
There's a night bus, isn't there?
What, back to Balham? Yes.
I'm working tomorrow, so school night.
The Trafalgar Square and then N77. Douglas...
..I am literally inviting you up to see my etchings.
Oh.
No. Oh.
Really?
Oh, that turns the bathroom light on.
This wiring's the work of a maniac. What happens if...?
Why don't you just...?
Oh, hello.
SHE CHUCKLES
All right!
DOUGLAS MOANS
What? Stop a second. You OK?
Yes. It's...
What? Complimentary chocolate.
Oh. Thanks. Later.
SHE LAUGHS
HE GRUNTS
Bit waxy.
Really is the worst thing you can eat before you go to sleep.
We don't have to eat it. Yes, we do - it's free.
Anyway, it's too late now.
I'm going to walk it off. 9,973.
So near!
Hmm, I should walk up and down the corridor.
You can, but I won't let you back in.
Fair enough.
I'm sorry this is confusing. I'm confused too.
The great thing is, we're talking.
Though let's stop now.
SIREN IN DISTANCE
GUITAR STRUMMING NEXT DOOR, CONNIE SIGHS
For Christ's sake, Albie.
It's two in the morning. Should I go in there?
Not yet, not if he's with people.
How many's he got in there? I'm going to call reception.
No! Don't inform on your own son. Just text him.
GUITAR STRUMMING STOPS Shh, shh, shh, shh.
It's stopped.
DOUGLAS GRUNTS Yeah.
RHYTHMIC CREAKING
Oh, no. CREAKING CONTINUES
Is that what I think it is? I hope it is just two of them.
Oh, I'm going to text him.
What do you text in this situation?
It's not something I've thought about.
Or e-mail? GROANING FROM NEXT DOOR
He's not checking his e-mails!
Ah, OK, I'm going to text just, "No."
All caps!
GROANING CONTINUES I don't want to be a killjoy.
"No" and then a smiley face.
"Precautions" exclamation mark. LAUGHS: Yeah.
Ahh, no.
SHE SIGHS
Let's just...
GROANING INTENSIFIES NEXT DOOR
Should we have that talk?
What talk? The sex talk.
OK.
Well, my feeling is that while you and I
are still together and sharing a bed, there's no reason why...
I meant with Albie. Oh.
Well, if last night taught us anything,
it's that it's a little late for that.
Even so, I'm going to talk to him later. Really? OK.
Do we need to talk? Mum? Dad?
This is my friend. Hi! I'm Kat, pleased to meet you.
Kat, as in Katherine?
Er, no-one's called me that since I was five.
You're Connie, yeah?
Oh! CONNIE LAUGHS
Albie's right, you are gorgeous. Well...
As for you, Douglas...
SHE GROWLS, AWKWARD LAUGHTER
So, erm, I hear talk of a breakfast buffet?
It's so cool how you guys can do this.
Inter-railing, but with your mum and dad.
It's more of a grand tour, really.
Yeah, so Albie can see some art, some architecture.
Oh, I don't know how you don't all kill each other.
It's the first day, so...
What brings you to Paris, Kat?
Well, Connie, music - music brings me to Paris.
All this free stuff, it just goes on and on!
It's not free, exactly.
Kat's in a band.
Yes, we heard you last night.
Ah, thank you!
Oh, you didn't like it.
You play very well, it was just a little late.
Why do they only have these tiny glasses?
Yeah, you've got to keep filling them up.
Hmm. You could just lie underneath and open the tap.
So where are the band?
Oh, they've all gone back home.
I thought I'd stay on, bum my way round Europe.
That's how I met Albie.
He was on my spot, so, er, I set him straight,
we had a chat and one thing led to another, as they say.
So you're a busker, then? I prefer a "street musician".
Busking suggests a lack of, er, professionalism.
Oh! Breakfast and lunch.
Oh, look at this ham!
I'm essentially a vegan, with the exception of cured meats.
Sorry, Kat. Can you put some of that back? Hm?
Just maybe don't put stuff in your pockets.
WHISPERS: Jesus!
Are you accusing me of stealing? He didn't say stealing.
It's meant to be eaten on the premises, otherwise it's anarchy.
I'm a thief?
No, you're just getting carried away.
It's not how buffets work. It's a system of mutual trust.
It only gets stale and thrown away.
Not these, not the preserves, that's why they're called preserves!
Take one by all means, the honey or the jam.
OK.
I'm so embarrassed.
Let's... Let's just all go and sit down, shall we?
How do your parents feel about you travelling, Kat?
Dad! What?
Search me, Douglas, haven't seen them for three years.
What, you haven't seen your parents for three years? That's terrible.
Not for me it isn't. For me it's great.
Do you call them?
Mm-hm. My mum, twice a year, Christmas and birthday.
Yours or hers? What?
Well, do you speak to your mother on your birthday or her birthday?
Oh. Hers. It's her treat.
Connie, Albie says that you used to be an artist but you gave it all up.
Oh, well, I was never really an artist.
You sold paintings. A few. To friends, to my parents.
But I didn't really make a living.
You're still artistic, Connie.
I work in community arts.
I, erm... I don't create anything myself, just facilitate.
Yes, that's the word. I facilitate others. Hmm.
Dougie, so you're an evil scientist.
Big pharma, yeah?
I work in the pharmaceutical industry, yes,
in research and development.
I know some of Albie's concerns about the ethics of this...
I didn't say anything!
Don't get at me. I just said what you do.
All I can say is, let's just imagine if, God forbid,
you should require some new medicine,
developed by the evil corporation, let's just, er...
ALBIE SIGHS
Let's just say, I think it's important work,
but there's always room for improvement.
Shall we go?
OK.
I liked her.
Is that why you asked her to put her breakfast back?
Not all of it.
"The buffet system is a system of trust."
Was that too much?
Oh, God, look at him. Our boy's all grown up.
Bye, guys! See you around, maybe.
Douglas, check it out.
Stop! Thief!
Bye.
We liked her. She's got a very quirky view of the world.
So will you see each other again, do you think?
You know it's not unnatural -
two adults talking about relationships.
It is unnatural. I'm your son.
You're a man now.
Technically, you could fight in a war.
Well, I would rather fight in a war than have this conversation!
DOUGLAS LAUGHS
Your mother and you talk all the time! That's different!
Well, it needn't be.
I'm trying to be more open.
Well, can you close it down, please?
Let's just get there, shall we?
You see, this is why we got up early - to beat the crowds.
This holiday, are we going to do anything spontaneous?
Er, I hadn't planned to.
Now, Albie, if you're serious about art, this is the place.
We're doing this for your sake.
All our sakes. Let's start.
Can't do the whole thing,
so the trick is to focus on a few key paintings.
Or...just see what happens.
MUSIC: King Arthur Z.628 Act 3 by Henry Purcell
Well, at least someone's having a worse holiday than us.
No, I'm having a nice time.
Really.
A lot going on, isn't there?
A lot going on.
Awful situation.
Nightmare to frame. ALBIE SIGHS
I like this one.
Look, all the different vegetables. It's very original.
It's kitsch.
But if you had to eat one of the four?
2,839 steps - feels like more.
Why are art galleries so exhausting? Is it all the pondering?
You could wait in the cafe, if you're bored.
No, I'm not bored, no.
Just wish I knew how long you're meant to look
and what you're meant to say.
Don't say anything. Just look.
Look around you.
The Mona Lisa's back there.
Oh, let's leave it. Too many people. You know what it looks like.
OK.
Seems strange, being in the Louvre and not seeing...
It's smaller than you think, and the eyes follow you round the room.
Let's find something new.
OK.
WHISPERS: I really want to tick it off. I know!
Do we need to talk about last night? Hm?
Mum?
Uh-huh.
TRAIN RATTLES PAST
YOUNGER DOUGLAS: I like art.
I just don't know anything about it.
You don't have to know anything.
The only thing hanging on my wall is a fire extinguisher.
Just a great blank wall of magnolia.
I'll have to do something about that before you come round.
What about those? Oh, er, no, we don't talk about those.
Art school stuff, it's all rubbish, just ripped-off from other people.
They're wonderful!
Oh, well, like you said, you don't know anything about art.
So... I can tell when someone's good.
Can I buy one...
..for my wall?
You're very nice.
Not on a first date.
HE EXHALES
Mmm. I should go.
Oh. OK.
Well, it's Saturday - can't you skive?
No, have to go to the lab.
But are you...? Silly idea.
Are you busy?
60% of the genes responsible for human disease
are found in Drosophila.
So, er, we can investigate Parkinson's disease, Huntington's.
Hmm. It's exciting stuff.
So what am I looking for?
Wing shape, eye pigmentation, changes in genital architecture...
Good name for a band.
WHISPERS: Go away!
And how do you examine their genital architecture?
Usually knock them unconscious. What, with tiny truncheons?
Carbon dioxide.
Science, eh? It's amazing, isn't it?
Least I've always thought so. Amazing.
Best thing about them is they have this very short,
straightforward reproductive cycle.
Many generations in a matter of months.
Well, they are...very sexy.
Constantly at it, multiple partners, drunk on rotten fruit.
It's like one of my sister's parties.
FLIES BUZZ
And this is...?
The breeding room.
Oh. Mm.
The breeding room.
CLATTERING NEXT DOOR, CONNIE MOANS
CONNIE LAUGHS
CONNIE CHUCKLES SOFTLY
ALBIE AND CONNIE CHAT
DRINK POURS
Here, this is for you. From the minibar!
What's come over you? I know. I'm like some oligarch.
Where's yours?
There's just one. I'm not insane. You have it. I've brushed my teeth.
Is our son joining us tonight?
I guess so. Ask him.
He doesn't talk to me.
Put your phone down, please. I'm reading.
"While many of Paris's Sichuan restaurants turn down the heat
"for the local palate, food here packs an intimidating punch."
Why would you want to be intimidated by your food?
I'm sorry, I just couldn't face any more steak or cheese.
Intimidated then punched.
It's exciting, eating out of your comfort zone.
I don't see what's wrong with being comfortable.
Oh, don't be like that. Is there a menu in English?
ALBIE SIGHS No, I'm not being...
I just don't see the point in pretending that we're not tourists.
We are tourists, we're meant to see the Eiffel Tower and the Mona Lisa,
that's why we're here.
Douglas!
I'll order for you.
Fine...just order sensibly, please.
Mmm!
Mm, Albie, this red stuff. Tomato, I think.
It's chilli, it's pure chilli.
Here, try these.
Careful with the fingers. It burns.
Well, if it burns your fingers, why would you put it in your mouth?!
Go on. Just take one.
HE GASPS, ALBIE AND CONNIE LAUGH
MUFFLED: I can't feel my face!
It... Bit much?
Here, take mine. It's completely numb.
Mm. Ah...
Well, Albie, it certainly does pack a punch.
Personally, I'd prefer food that doesn't actually injure you...
Douglas, you've not been injured by your soup.
Don't use that! Why? It's got chilli sauce on it!
Ow!
Ow, ow, ow!
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
HE GROANS Sorry.
Ugh! Ow!
RESTAURANT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER
CONNIE AND ALBIE LAUGH
PHONE RINGS
Hello? CONNIE, ON PHONE: Where are you?
Oh, just walking.
Wasn't really my thing, so...
But where exactly are you?
Towards the river, I don't know.
How far now? Hm?
Steps? Oh...
10,026.
Well, stop walking.
You disappeared.
Yes, I thought I'd make a French exit.
It's only a French exit if no-one notices.
Did you think we wouldn't?
Just don't think I can keep this up, Connie.
No?
Can't live in the moment when the moment's so hard.
It's too confusing.
I'm sorry if I confused you. Last night...
No, no, it's all right.
I mean, rather we tried than didn't. I just...
..find the prospect of...
I just feel like I'm losing you both.
I know.
YOUNGER CONNIE: Can I tell you a secret?
You might not like it.
Erm... Can I say no?
'Fraid not.
I was going to end it today.
Oh.
Just the usual thing, "Lovely to meet you, lots of fun,
"let's stay friends."
But now I find...the men I've known before,
as soon as they open their mouths,
I think, "Oh, here we go, one of those."
But there's nothing familiar about you.
And you know things, you ask questions,
you're so passionate about it all...
I'm sensing a "but".
It's not you, it's...
I'm not good at this. Relationships.
Even the word makes me feel claustrophobic.
I need to know there's a way out,
and I don't want to get caught up in something
that I can't leave without upsetting both of us.
So, if we were to...carry on...
..you'd need to know that was a possibility.
Am I making sense? I think...
..it will be worth the risk.
Good.
It's harder than I thought.
Going on holiday for the sake of the kid?
Yeah.
Especially when the kid doesn't even want to be here.
He does.
He just doesn't want to show it.
Maybe...
..maybe if there'd been four of us...
..perhaps it would be less fraught.
There'd be more...
Maybe.
Do you think of her?
You know I do.
I think, "What would it be like,
"what would we be like, if she were here?"
We'll never know.
It still sends you crazy, I'm sure.
Probably. Would I?
Now and then.
Come back to the hotel.
I think I might walk around a bit longer.
Oh, you've walked far enough. Oh, I can't sleep without you.
Or with me, apparently.
No, it's a dilemma.
Oh, come back and try, and tomorrow...
Home...
..or Amsterdam?
Well, I don't want us to go home.
Amsterdam, then.
Amsterdam.
Doesn't have to be a party city.
It's also a conference city, a perfectly civilised place.
Are you going to spend the whole holiday walking 12 steps ahead?
Seriously, though, we're due at the Anne Frank House at 5,
so if you want to see the tuli...
Hello, Petersens!
Oh, Christ!
Dad!
Or...I could show you the real Amsterdam.
Er, no, no, we don't have time for the real Amsterdam,
we're seeing this one.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Let's all calm... Just calm down.
I am calm. He's the one who started it.
The problem with this city is, there's too many fucking bikes.
HE GRUNTS Oh, get off!