Ashley Jones awoke one morning
from pleasant dreams and found herself transformed
into something perfectly different.
[Larry] Wait, what? What did you say?
[chuckles]
Retracing her steps,
Ashley Jones never saw it coming.
[crunching]
[man] What now?
You better let me see someidentification.
[man] Sure, sure, pretty boy. I got it right here.
[gunshots]
THEIR FAVORITE RESTAURANT ...THE NIGHT BEFORE
Thinking back, everything seemed perfectly normal.
Everything is perfectly normal.
Thanks.
As usual, Larry ordered a tenderloin steak, medium,
with three russet potatoes.
And for Ashley, a plate of spaghetti
with marinara sauce without meatballs.
Mm, this steak is delicious.
I'm so glad you like it.
As always, everybody enjoyed the party.
Ashley, not least of all.
TWO DAYS EARLIER
[Ashley chuckling] Orange who?
Aren't you glad I didn't say banana?
[chuckling]
[woman] How about that weather, huh?
I put in a reservation for tomorrow night.
-Our usual table? -Of course.
[both chuckle]
You too are so cute together.
-Tiffany, how's it going? -Good.
I've got about five numbers so far.
So pretty average.
-Good for you. -Is that Dwayne?
Who's Dwayne?
THREE DAYS EARLIER
We're going live in five, four, three, two...
ACTION NEWS LIVE
[theme music playing]
The town is divided over this controversy.
The center of the debate... this tree.
You suck.
What do you think of the tree?
RANDY DITHERS TREE ENTHUSIAST
I don't know. What do you think?
Trees? Yeah.
JOHNNY COLUMBUS TREE ENTHUSIAST
Uh, okay.
What do you think...
There was nothing strange about her work either.
ASHTON BATAKO TREE UNENTHUSIAST
Well, I'm not anti-tree. But I'm not pro tree either.
Well, maybe a little strange.
-And what do you think? -What?
I just want to know what you think.
-No, you don't? -Yes, I do.
What do you think about the tree?
EVIE COLLECTS ROCKS
Well, I think in the grand scheme of things,
it doesn't really matter.
[Jim] Ask her to elaborate.
Can you elaborate?
What's one tree in the span of our planet's history?
Right? Entire species of trees have gone extinct.
Do you miss the Lepidodendron?
[scoffs] Yeah, me neither.
How does she know so much about trees?
[Ashley] How do you know so much about trees?
You wouldn't believe me.
[Bruce] Tell her you would.
Yes, I would. Try me.
BREAKING NEWS LEPIDODENDRON EXTINCT
TREE DISCUSSION REACHES TURNING POINT
I've been around the block.
You must've seen a lot of interesting things.
Yeah.
What's the most interesting thing she's ever seen?
Wow. I never really...
That's a great question.
I mean, after living for 500,000 years
you've seen through so many technological...
What? What did she just say?
-What did you say? -About the extinct tree?
-Did she just say she's five hundred--
-thousand years old?
"TIME FLIES" LOCAL WOMAN TURNS
Oh, well, I will be 500,000... in two weeks.
Ask her who built the pyramids?
Oh, gosh. What was his name?
This bald guy. He was a complete jerk.
Wow. Is this woman out of her mind?
...supposed to be about the tree?
ARTIST OR EGOMANIAC? EYE WITNESS CALLS PYRAMID BUILDER "A JERK"
Oh, I thought we moved past that.
-But we can keep talking-- -Okay, Ashley.
-Repeat after me. -I don't think I should.
Oh, yeah.
SHOCKING REVELATIONS:
TREE EXTINCT/ PYRAMID BUILDER "A JERK"
Me neither.
I gotta go.
Okay.
This is Action News Live from Santa Norma, California.
My name is Ashley Jones. Back to you, Jim.
TWO WEEKS EARLIER
[birds chirping]
[footsteps approaching]
I love coming here.
I know.
Their yearly vacation
had also been the same as ever.
I put a reservation in for tonight.
-On normal tip? -Of course.
THEIR VACATION RESTAURANT
Howdy and a good evening. Are you ready to order?
Yes.
As usual, Larry ordered a tenderloin steak, medium,
with three russet potatoes
and a plate of spaghetti
with marinara sauce for Ashley.
And meatballs?
[scoffs] No.
This guy.
[chuckles] Funny.
THEIR FAVORITE RESTAURANT ...MUCH, MUCH EARLIER
It's so nice to finally meet you, Larry.
-I'm Ashley. -Ashley.
That's a perfectly normal name.
Do you like when things are normal?
I do.
I think the best thing in the world is normalcy.
Normalcy? Isn't the word "normality"?
But everybody says "normalcy",
so saying "normality" would be an "abnormalcy."
But isn't the rule
that only words that end in the letter "T "
-get a suffix that-- -No.
It's "normalcy", because saying it is normal.
And normal is right. Right?
Ashley was shocked to realize
that she knew "normalcy" was wrong.
And yet something about it seemed so right.
Normal. Yeah, that sounds right.
-To normalcy. -To normalcy.
To normalcy. [chuckles]
Uh, good evening, today, the chef specials
are a tenderloin potatoes and a spaghetti marinara.
That sounds great.
-Excellent choice. -Thank you.
You know, I could see myself coming back to this place.
Me too.
Yeah.
Me too.
Yes, the perfectly normal life was sweet for Ashley.
And you may well ask, would everything be okay?
-Is everything still okay? -Yeah.
It's great.
It wasn't.
Something was going to happen.
Something terrible.
TERRIBLE FUTURE NO. 1
[sighs]
I was really rooting for you.
But... we have to think about the ratings.
But it wasn't that.
TERRIBLE FUTURE NO. 2
Or that.
TERRIBLE FUTURE NO. 3
[sighs]
You only have ten minutes to live?
[dramatic music playing]
No, the reality was much more grim.
Like I said, Ashley Jones, awoke one morning
from pleasant dreams to find herself transformed
into something perfectly different.
Are you still in bed?
No.
[Japanese accent] I have multiple things to do.
Multiple things?
The reason that Ashley woke up
with a Japanese accent was unclear.
Wait, what? What did you say?
[chuckles]
All right.
What was clear, however,
was that Larry could never find out about this.
It was called foreign accent syndrome,
a rare disorder
that could suddenly and totally change
a speaker's voice.
And Ashley definitely had it.
Hmm.
Probably.
[sighs] Well, your tests indicate no abnormalcies.
Could you walk me through what happened again?
I woke up and I'm different.
Huh, I see.
Do you treat this all the time?
Well, not personally.
I have heard of similar cases,
but yours just... just didn't seem to fit.
Have you been hit on the head recently?
No.
Well, without a clear cause
I can't make any specific recommendation.
But I think speech therapy
could possibly help your situation.
-Then I'll be back to normal? -We'll have to wait and see.
Maybe it will all make sense somehow.
How?
In other news, tempers flared
at last night city council meeting.
Ongoing talks have broken down
at the mayor's controversial flighted deadline
for the decision on the fate of the tree.
Remember to shape your vowels?
Watch your mouth when you shape them.
How is it? Do I sound normal?
Well, let's try it again.
In all other news, tempers flared...
I don't know. She's never late.
Yeah, but what about the weather?
Hmm?
Oh, yeah. Right.
[phone ringing]
This is Bruce.
[man] Hello, this is Dr. Cunningham.
I regret to inform you
that we're finding Miss Jones's illness
to be stubbornly persisting.
[sighs]
You have a time frame for her recovery?
Not as of yet, no.
We're still monitoring the situation.
We've already had to bump back
her interview with the mayor twice.
Can I speak with her?
Well, frankly, it's nothing too serious.
However, I do recommend continued rest.
Well, I'm sure you know what's best, doctor.
Thanks for letting me know.
Not at all, sir. You have a great day.
Can I have my $20 now lady?
-Don't spend it on drugs. -Not gonna spend it on drugs.
You spend it on drugs.
Is everything still perfectly normal, sir?
What?
Oh... thank you.
There you are.
-Did work hold you up again? -Mm-hmm.
Good.
Because that's perfectly normal.
Mm, the steak is delicious.
I said, "Mm, this steak is delicious."
Mm-hmm.
[beep] This is Ashley Jones. Leave a message.
Ashley, you've got to let me know
about this Mayor thing tomorrow.
You're my rock star.
Let's try it again. Now repeat after me.
Greedy goats gobbled up gooseberries
getting good at grabbing the goodies.
-Ashley? -I'm trying.
Okay, well.
Here's something you might want to try.
It's a little different.
Different?
[German accent] It vas the fourth of July
seven years ago.
Ve vere sitting on ze dock of ze Marina eating a pizza,
ven suddenly I hear this frightening cry...
I look and I see a child sinking.
I'm sinking... I have to help.
Vell, I jumped right in ze water
and just as I pushed her to safety
I was run over by a boat.
I drowned.
And I woke up speaking something like zis.
I have seen some dark days since then.
But I want everybody of you
to know how much I appreciate you.
Zis is ze best turnout yet
for our foreign accent syndrome support group.
[applauding]
Hi.
[French accent] I'm Guy.
I kind of ran the streets my whole life with a rock group.
And it kind of gives me my identity, you know?
One day zat all went away.
We were about to do our biggest iced [indistinct]
and then sleep in ze [indistinct] at morning.
Woke up in the hospital with his accent.
And my gang, zey kicked me out.
Zey say I wasn't hard no more.
Oh, ja, it is perfectly normal for us
to feel like vee no longer fit in.
Senk you, brother.
[door opens]
[British accent] Hello, hello, hello gents.
Sorry for the tardiness
but money never sleeps, you know.
Okay, as you all know, way before this
I was a lowly construction worker.
I didn't even know
what foreign accent syndrome was.
I mean, who would have thought
that the hit on the head with a sledgehammer
would have endowed me with a charismatic accent
and a fabulous way of life as an entrepreneur.
Let that be a lesson to you. Don't wear a helmet.
It's "antapreneure".
Okay, all right.
Everybody good, are they? How's the family?
-They stopped talking to me. -Well, you can't win them all.
Well, you can't win them all. I can.
Wait a minute. I think we have a new face with us today.
What's your name, darling?
Hello. My name is Ashley.
Oh, a Japanese accent.
That's good.
[chuckles] Why?
Vell, it makes sense.
How?
So, tell us about yourself.
I want to learn more about foreign accent syndrome.
You came to the right place. We're all friends here.
Good, because I just woke up and spoke this way.
You know, it's very confusing.
So how did you hurt your head, ma cherie?
I never hurt my head.
It vazen't a stroke? What? Did you drown?
No.
Let me get this straight, love.
You never hit your head?
No.
Becky's beagles barked and--
Is this ever going to get easier?
Of course, you were doing great.
Really?
Yeah.
And even if nothing ever comes from the therapy,
you don't have to worry.
No?
No. Maybe it all kind of makes sense.
How? How does it make sense for me, for anybody else,
to go to sleep one night
and wake up the next morning with Japanese accent,
or any other accent?
How does it make sense at all?
No, I guess it just doesn't make any sense at all.
But it seems like it should.
That sucks.
[man] Can't you see that this is getting you nowhere?
That you'll have to tell the truth eventually?
Your turn, captain.
Now listen, Jim.
You know who killed Patrick and Taylor.
But what's more important
is you know who ended up with the golden leopard.
You're home.
Mm-hmm.
How are you?
Is everything okay?
Is everything perfectly normal?
[coughing]
How about at work?
Is everything good there?
Everything normal?
Hmm-hmm.
Stan asked about you.
He said that he wanted to say hello.
[giggling]
-You remember Stan, right? -Mm-hmm.
Yeah, yeah. You had that really good conversation
about the weather.
Anyway, he said
that he didn't see you on TV much this week.
Isn't that weird?
Hmm.
Do you think that maybe
he's just tuning in at the wrong time?
Do you think that's it?
Because I would be surprised
if he was always tuned in at the right time
and suddenly he is tuned in at the wrong time.
Wouldn't you?
[chuckles]
Anyway... I just wanted to let you know
that I'm really excited to watch your interview with the Mayor.
Are you sure you don't want to say anything?
Uh-uh. [chuckles]
Okay.
Have a good night.
[sighs]
My name is Ashley Jones.
Did anyone follow up on the 500 year old woman
who... there she is.
[Bruce] Great to have you back.
Everything's on the cue cards. You know what to do.
[woman] Five, four, three...
ACTIONS NEWS LIVE
ACTION NEWS THREE CONTROVERSY:
MAYOR TO REVIEW FATEFUL DECISION
The cards.
Just read the cards.
So, about the tree...
Think of the ratings.
[dramatic music playing]
[inhales]
[sustained beep]
ACTION NEWS SORRY FOR THE INTERRUPTION
Are you sure you didn't hit your head?
Yeah.
I understand.
There's never a good time for this.
But we have to think about the ratings.
Tiffany will take your place for now.
If there's anything else that opens up...
off camera maybe
I can let you know.
Okay?
Say hello to Dr. Cunningham for me.
[crickets chirping]
Larry.
I'll be out of here very soon.
Want to go dinner and talk about it?
I'm sorry, please don't be mad.
I'm not mad.
Not anymore.
Am I disappointed? Yeah.
We had such a beautifully normal thing together.
Now...
I don't know.
I mean, look at you, you're just so...
You're not the same woman I fell in love with anymore.
Sorry.
Larry, wait.
I never intended to hurt you.
Look at me.
I'm the same Ashley I always was.
And I know our love is strong enough
to overcome no matter what obstacle.
Ashley...
I'm sorry... what did you say?
I said no matter what obstacle.
What is it?
Nevermind.
Oh, obstacle.
No matter the obstacle.
It was a beautiful thing, so...
Here...
keep this.
I think you need it more than I do?
Yes, life was hard for Ashley.
Our heartsick heroine
pined in solitude for her lost love.
Days turned into months, months turned into years.
And all she could do was remember.
[choir music playing]
Through the long years,
she hid herself away from the cold, cruel world.
Her only companions misery and loneliness
and her children.
My babies.
[baby coos]
Ashley had become a prisoner in her own world.
You suck.
Abandoned by mankind and forgotten by the world,
she eventually forgot how to speak altogether.
She desperately longed to forget the spurning
of her beguiling lost love...
Larry.
But instead, she could only console herself
with longing for the moment his pain would finally end.
Just a few more breaths.
[breathing softly]
Almost.
But first she had to ignore Tiffany's phone call.
[phone ringing]
-Leave me alone, Tiffany. -Hold on, Evie.
Maybe we're just not listening. None of you are.
GOOD GENES:
LOCAL WOMAN CELEBRATES 500.000 BIRTHDAY
Uh--
[dramatic music playing]
No.
[sighs]
[dialing]
[phone ringing]
[man] Spaghetteria. What would you like to order?
[collage of voices] Hello...
I just want to... order... spaghetti...
with marinara sauce.
You want meatballs with that?
No... are you... crazy?
All right. What's the address?
[recorder clicks and rewinds]
14 maple... drive.
It's 12,99. Should take about 30 minutes.
[female voice] Thank you.
Goodbye.
[clicks]
[knocking on door]
Larry?
Oh... oh, my dear sweet Ashley.
I bet you look just as beautiful as the day we met.
But, alas, I'll never know.
Oh, Larry, what happened to you?
It just came on so suddenly.
The doctors have no idea what happened.
And there's nothing they can do.
I just, I needed to hold you one last time
before the paralysis moves up to my arms.
I'm not perfectly normal.
Ashley, do you really think
that I could stay away from you
just because you're... different?
-Larry, I'm really-- -Don't worry. I'll be fine.
Just as long as I can hold you one last time in my arms.
No, Larry, I'm really sorry. But you are too late.
You're not the man I fell in love with any more.
Come on, babe. The water is getting cold.
You got it, stud.
-Oh, who's this little guy? -He's nobody.
He's not giving you problems. Is he babe?
No, he's not bothering me.
He doesn't mean anything to me at all.
But, Ashley, oh--
[laughs hysterically]
[laughing]
[crying] Ashley!
[phone ringing]
Ashley.
[ringing coming from her mouth]
THANK YOU
Do you need any change?
[knocking]
Hello.
Sorry, I kind of need you to tell me.
[normal accent] No, you can keep the change.
Keep the change.
Thank you.
My name is Ashley Jones.
[cheering and applauding]
[crying]
Joke! Joke! Joke! Joke!
Well...
Just one.
Knock, knock.
[laughing and applauding]
[knocking on door]
-Who's there? -Tiffany.
-Tiffany who? -Oh my God. Funny.
Put your shoes on. Let's go.
-Where? -To the party. Remember?
-Big tree fundraiser? -Oh, I'm busy tonight.
You expect me to believe that?
I can go. I'm sick.
What kind of sick?
Uh, I throw up.
You're going to throw up?
-Yes. -Okay.
I'll wait.
-I'm much better now. -Oh, good.
Want some gum?
Sure.
How about this dress? Do you like it?
Everybody's gonna be there. You want to look good, right?
I don't care.
Ooh, I look good in this one.
Yeah, Dwayne will love it.
This sucks.
If something bad had to happen to me,
why couldn't it be some good bad thing
that's obvious
so everybody feels sorry for me.
But this, this just confuses people.
Because seems like it should make sense,
but it doesn't.
Look. I understand why you're upset, okay?
Because your life isn't perfectly normal anymore.
I don't like it either.
I don't like it at all.
But we're gonna fix you.
And we'll start by getting you a new Larry.
And then your life will be perfectly normal again.
And we'll all be comfortable.
Well, it doesn't go back to normal.
Tiffany was shocked to realize
that she had never considered this possibility.
She was equally shocked to realize
that Ashley might no longer be the friend she used to know.
And Ashley was shocked to realize
what Tiffany had just realized.
Let's go to the party.
[chuckles] Okay, awesome.
Oh, and you have to get ten phone numbers
by the end of the night.
-Ten? How about three? -Five.
Five. I don't know.
I'm not confident enough to get five numbers.
Then, just pretend you are. That's what life's all about.
-Pretending? -Yes.
Pretending to be what?
Whatever anybody wants you to be.
So you get five numbers and I'll go find Dwayne.
Don't worry. I'll be by your side the whole time.
-[girl] Oh, Dwayne. -[girl #2] Hey, Dwayne.
-Oh, I gotta go. -I'll come with you.
No, stay here. Get some numbers.
[cater] There you go. On the rocks for you.
Oh, thank you sir.
Martini no olives coming right up.
Hey, give me your number.
Right on.
[chuckles]
So, what made you come over here and talk to me?
And just like that,
Ashley realized she owned this place.
The party, not the house.
She owned a different house.
-Hey, gave me your number. -What?
-My phone number? -Yeah, your number right now.
What do you... What are you talking about?
Who's Dave?
[toilet flushing]
Oh, give me the number.
Oh, whoa, whoa. She is with me, bro.
Wait... What?
Give me your number. I want your number, please.
Okay.
Wait, why are you asking him for his number?
I have lots of phone calls to make.
Well, give me back my number.
Look, I'll be perfectly honest with you.
I'm trying to get five numbers.
You're trying to get five numbers?
Yeah, I have to.
Well, then I'm not giving you mine.
What? You're not giving her your number?
No.
All right, you can take my number back.
Okay, it was nice meeting you. Both.
I love your accent. I drive a Honda.
You go get us some food, okay?
Okay... meatballs.
-Surprise me. -Right on.
Hey, give me your number.
Ashley.
-Larry. -Hey.
Hi.
Tenderloin?
Yeah.
But it's too rare, though.
Oh, too bad.
Yeah.
I know.
So, is there anything new?
-Nothing. -Oh.
You?
-I just wanted to say that-- -Hey.
You know, I saw they have another round of steak out.
I'll be right back.
[whispering] Here you go.
Where did you say that--
I don't want your number.
What is your problem, lady?
I don't even know this guy. But anyway, did you--
It's a very normal party.
-Perfectly normal. -You think so?
Yeah, I love it.
Yeah, yeah, me too.
I'm Larry.
-Hi, I'm Emily. -Emily!
That's a perfectly normal name.
Thanks. It's the most common woman's name in America.
-Really? -Wait, Larry...
Were you saying to me?
Uh, I don't... I--
Can I get you anything?
Thanks, but I already got a plate for myself.
Oh, my.
So, they didn't have any meatballs.
[dramatic music playing]
This is my fiancé.
Right on.
-Fiancé? -Yeah, you wait in here.
I have another big surprise for you, okay?
Wait, this is a coat closet. Wait-- okay.
[sighs]
Hey, give me your number.
Are you serious?
Serious. You're very hot.
Well, I can't argue with that.
So, you're Japanese?
You're here with all the Kobayashi people?
No, I'm not Japanese. I'm from Allentown.
I have a fiancé.
What the crap? [scoffs]
[Dwayne] Hey, Jen, you're looking good.
Hey... I haven't met you yet.
Yeah, yeah.
-How do you like the party?
-This party sucks.
What?
Where are you from?
Japan. Now leave me a--
[music playing]
Awesome.
Wow.
What city are you from?
I don't know.
Saigon?
Niihau.
Here, allow me.
Let me show you something.
[crickets chirping]
Ashley gazed up at the stars
and realized she was glad
that Tiffany had dragged her here.
Maybe life wasn't so hopeless after all.
[birds chirping]
You're different.
I'm not different.
Yes, you are.
But I like that about you.
[laughs] Oh.
I'm Ashley.
Dwayne.
-Wait, your name is Dwayne? -Yeah.
What?
I gotta go. It's an emergency.
Oh, of course, yeah. Down the hall on the right.
Aren't you glad I dragged you here?
Maybe life isn't so hopeless after all.
Tiffany, I need to talk to you know.
No, I need you to help me find Dwayne.
You have something on your face.
Huh?
You freshen up. I look downstairs.
You're the best.
Ashley was being pulled in too many directions at once.
Larry had her heart.
But Dwayne had, hmm, other qualities.
Still, Tiffany should have her loyalty.
Ashley realized that she needed to--
Hey, Ashley, I'm glad you're here.
I might have a big opportunity for you.
The interview that you did
with the 50,000 year old woman was a big hit.
Five hundred thousand.
Right.
We want to get her back. But we can't find her.
If you could track her down
I might be able to bring you back.
To my old job?
Maybe we could find you something else.
Producer or something.
Okay, maybe that's normal enough.
Can you get started right away?
Well, I got a lot on my plate at the moment.
Hi.
Hey.
I can take that.
Thanks.
I need to talk to you about Tiffany.
Yeah, and then about the weather--
Oh, Ashley.
Oh, Larry. Hi.
-I might get my job back. -Touche, babe.
So, at your old studio?
Yes.
Oh.
[Dwayne] Champagne. No olives.
Well, maybe that's normal enough.
You know, maybe we can pretend...
-Yeah, maybe-- -Steak?
I've got a lot on my plate at the moment.
Let's celebrate. Cheers.
[glasses clink]
Oh, there's some people I want you to meet.
What do you think?
This woman... not Japanese.
No.
-You tramp! -Oh.
Get your hands off my fiancé, bro.
Fiancé?
[cross talking]
But does this "fiancé" mean? I genuinely don't know.
No, no, no.
[speaking Japanese]
It's okay. What you did to him?
I don't know these guys are. This guy is looking like a slob.
-[Bruce] Guys, guys... -What are you doing here?
Everything's great. Just let her talk.
-Hey, here's my number. -You got to be kidding me.
[cross talking]
[Bruce] Guys, guys!
Knock, knock.
You suck.
And so it turned out
life really was hopeless after all.
Hello, this is Jim speaking.
Finally a little luck...
[sighs] Again.
It was time to give up.
Sure, Ashley could get her old job back
is she found Evie, but she had no idea
how to solve this case. And so she--
Wait a minute.
...to shake this thing up right,
I think I'll swear out [indistinct] like Kappa Pi,
all you need to do
is think like a private eye, Jonesy.
Wait just a minute.
[phone ringing]
Hello.
This is detective Jones. I'm on the case.
[busy tone]
[call ends]
[thinking] Finally a little luck
was headed my way.
Word came down from the big man
that I could have my old job back.
But only if I found this broad.
She liked to run her mouth about pyramids.
Yeah, this would be a piece of cake.
A piece of cake
as long as whoever was tailing me
didn't cause too much of a stir.
I knew the first guy I should talk to.
He was a random quack
who was permanently desperate for a quick buck.
But he always knew the score.
I get a good stall
but it ain't gonna be free see?
Now you're singing my song.
No, you'll start singing my song, pal.
And you'd better make me want to dance.
[chair creaking]
[Ashley thinking] After that he sang all right.
The quack sang like a chorus girl.
He pointed me
towards a big old mansion in Hancock Park,
where the dame was supposed to hang around.
The kind of place where people float in and out
like a broken hearted ghost.
Looking for something
they've been looking for so long
they forgot what it was. But not me.
I knew just what I was looking for.
This has proven to be one slippery fish.
But I knew I had to boat this bass.
Even if it meant talking to the one low down dirty eel
who knew it all.
This muck
seems to be everywhere and hear everything,
always turning up like a bad penny.
I've just as soon break his legs
as talked to him.
But I needed the inside dish.
He said he could help me for a price.
It was called the Golden Leopard.
He said it was his,
but some other crooks have gotten their paws on it.
I didn't care to search through the details.
All I knew was that if I got it,
he'd deliver the dame
who was causing all this trouble.
We had such a beautifully normal thing together.
NO TALKING
It is perfectly normal.
SE HABLA INGLES
Everything is perfectly normal.
Perfectly normal.
Normalcy.
Normalcy!
KEEP MEAT PRODUCTS REFRIGERATED
[laughing and applauding]
No meatballs.
[bottle breaking]
YOU SUCK!!!
[screaming]
[dramatic music playing]
Greg, what happened? Talk to me.
You suck.
[trumpet theme playing]
The spaghetti had hit the fan.
I had no idea where the team or the golden leopard got to.
And Greg was dead.
I was singing in the wind.
[siren blaring]
He wasn't dead, but he was dead drunk
and useless to me.
[banging]
[thudding]
I have to get ahold of myself.
I had to think.
Who pumped off Greg?
Where was the golden leopard?
Was doc Cunningham just playing possum?
But most of all, who was tailing me?
Hey, what's up?
[whooshing]
You need to start talking, playboy.
What? Do you think I'm pretty?
[whooshing]
Turns out he knew as little as I did.
Should I call you? [grunts]
In the middle of this swampy mixed up mess,
one thing was perfectly clear.
I was never gonna find this dame.
-There she is. -Leave me alone.
-But aren't you the-- -No.
Yes, we did an interview. Do you want to do another one?
-You lied to me? -What? How?
You acted like you believed me.
But it was all just for ratings, wasn't it?
-Uh... -Oh, what? You can't talk now?
Sorry for what I did.
Wait. What happened to your voice?
I don't know.
I'm sorry, I'm not trying
to make fun of you or anything.
And if it's none of my business. I apologize.
Is it like foreign accent syndrome or something?
Ashley was shocked to realize that this was the first person
to understand her in a long time.
Sure, yeah.
-Sort of. -Wow. Really?
But you didn't get hit in the head, right?
I mean, if you had serious head trauma
you wouldn't be up and around already.
No, I wasn't.
Just woke up this way.
Just happened.
Jesus, that is frustrating.
Yeah, it's very lonely.
Well, you're allowed to feel that.
But wait, you've got a Japanese accent.
That is complicated.
I'll bet people have no idea what to think of you, do they?
I'll bet there's even people who don't believe you.
Right?
Well, it's not a very credible story.
But doesn't mean it's not true.
Yeah, but it doesn't make any sense.
Which sucks, because it seems like it should make sense,
but it doesn't.
Well, maybe you're wrong to assume
that you are the version of you that can understand this.
Maybe the version of you that can understand
what you're going through right now
is the one you become after you go through it all.
[birds chirping]
That would be terrible.
No, that would be the life.
Come on.
Do this interview.
[sighs]
You seem nice. And I would like to help you.
But I'm 27.
Twenty seven?
Thirty one.
Thirty two, okay.
So... sorry, you know, I can't do it.
The chase was over. It was a dead end.
It was curtains for me.
Case closed.
Um... are you okay?
I don't know.
Do you want to get some dinner and talk about it?
[dishes clanking]
Well, this is nice.
Yeah.
What do you recommend?
I always get the spaghetti.
Okay. Marinara?
Yeah.
-Meatballs? -Uh, no.
Oh, why not?
I don't know. It's not normal.
And normalcy is good.
Oh, I think you mean normality.
Huh?
Um, I'm not to be pedantic here,
but this drives me nuts.
Adjectives that end in a "T"
get a "CY" suffix when becoming a noun. Right?
Pregnant - cy, frequent - cy, transparent - cy.
Adjectives that end in "AL" get an "ITY" suffix.
Mental - mentality, real - reality,
formal - formality. Normal--
Normalcy!
Uh, good evening. Can I get your usual?
Can we see a menu, please?
[chuckles]
Why?
I guess we need a minute.
Yeah.
Okay.
Weird.
So, what else is good here?
Tenderloin and potatoes are her favorite.
But, whatever. I'll get the menus.
I mean, what else have you tried?
Just the spaghetti.
How many times have you been here?
Well, once in a week for the last six years
puts us around... 300.
So you've been here 300 times
and you've never tried anything
other than the spaghetti?
Yeah.
Well, what's wrong?
You know...
All of this.
Yeah.
I know.
I've been down in the dumps too before.
You have?
Yeah, like when I was in the shipping business,
I accidentally imported the Black Death into Europe.
[sighs]
I felt like they really didn't take that well,
but you know.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, not as sorry as the Florentines.
Okay, wait. You're not really 32.
You are 500,000 years old!
[shushing]
Okay, sorry.
I just said that because I--
Wait...
So you do believe me?
Well, if you say so. Yeah, it's good enough for me.
Really?
Evie was shocked to realize that this was the first person
to understand her in a long time.
A very long time.
A very, very, very, very, very, very--
[clears throat]
Are you ready yet?
Could you bring us a basket of bread?
Bread?
You do have bread, right?
For her.
Yeah.
All right.
Okay, look, you should do the interview.
[sighs] Let's not spoil dinner.
But if you're really 500,000 years old
you should be true to yourself.
Joan of Arc was true to herself.
And look where it got her.
Steak, well done.
But don't you think you owe it to humanity?
Because people want to know that they can live forever too.
Living forever is the worst kind of hell.
-You should just do it. -Why?
Because...
Because you could get famous.
[laughing]
Okay, nice try.
Your... bread.
-I will have the spaghetti. -Oh, thank God.
With marinara.
-Yes, please. -Excellent choice.
So, two spaghettis with marinara.
Right?
I'm gonna go wash my hands.
Because you can't be too careful with the plague.
Well?
Don't do...
Don't do it.
[sighs]
[whispering] What's the opposite of spaghetti with marinara?
Tenderloin and potatoes.
No.
Could you please just order the spaghetti with marinara?
No.
What's wrong?
All the other things.
Where's Larry?
[scoffs]
Did I do something wrong?
What? No. Of course not.
I guess it's me.
I don't think you should come in here anymore.
Yeah, me neither.
You've changed.
Believe me, I'm sorry for that.
So am I.
I'll have the fish.
[rumbling]
[beeping]
That was a lovely meal. Right?
Yeah.
Did that fish not agree with you?
I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.
I don't even know who I am.
What... what do you mean?
I mean, am I a news anchor or fiancée or detective.
Have you ever felt like an old woman?
[laughing]
Me?
Come look at this.
Tell me what you see.
A tree.
A tree?
Do you see anything more than that?
I don't know.
A tree.
Ever growing, ever changing.
Familiar, yet unique.
Okay.
Let me ask you something.
Would this miracle of nature stop being a tree
if it lost its leaves?
No.
Would it stop being a tree
if its leaves were a different color?
I guess not.
No, of course it wouldn't.
Because a tree isn't defined by the little things.
It's all about what's at the core. You know?
You are still Ashley Jones.
And Ashley Jones is a wonderful person,
no matter what color her leaves are.
Thank you. Thank you, Evie.
All right, poor kid.
I remember when I was your age
I thought I was all grown up too.
Hey, maybe I should do this interview.
Really?
Yeah.
Maybe we'll find out the truth.
Maybe I'll get famous.
So in the end, Ashley's trap had worked perfectly.
She had Evie right where she wanted her.
[chainsaw rumbling]
[keyboard clacking]
[knocking on door]
There she is.
There's my rock star.
-It's great to be back. -Seriously.
It's like our family is reunited.
You, me, makeup girl, Jim.
-Welcome back. -Thanks, Bruce.
John's landed.
The 5000 year old woman.
Five hundred thousand.
Okay, this is gonna be great.
There she is. There's my rock star.
-This is gonna be great. -That's great.
-This is going to be great. -That's great.
So great.
Just then Ashley realized
she was having a crisis of conscience.
What? No, I'm not.
She felt guilty
that she was doing whatever it took
to get her old job back.
It's not just a job. It's my life.
It wasn't just your life. It was her integrity.
Oh, that's your opinion.
Okay, so then you know
that you're doing the right thing?
Look, I don't see what the big problem is.
Well, the big problem
is that she hasn't gone through hair and makeup
or wardrobe and she's on in 30.
-You're a producer now. -Yeah.
That's great. That's great.
No, that's not great.
Why?
You're taking advantage of Evie, you know?
No, I'm not.
Then what are you doing?
Aren't we just giving a voice
to someone who otherwise wouldn't be heard?
That's right.
Is it?
I don't know. This is between you two?
Yeah. Besides, this was all Bruce's idea.
The wheel is already in motion.
Are you honestly saying it's impossible to stop this
if that were--
Okay, okay, I'll talk to Bruce.
What happens if you don't do this interview?
-What happens is-- -[shushing]
Oh, sorry.
What happens is...
The choice for Ashley was perfectly clear.
Look, it's not just black and white.
-Black or white? -I've not decided yet.
The choice was clear. It was time to talk to...
Tiffany.
You have some nerves coming back here.
-Look, I'm really sorry. -Yeah, I bet.
No, really. I need you to believe me
-that I wasn't trying to-- -Look, if it's not about work,
I don't want to hear it.
Okay.
I just wanted to talk to you about this interview.
No, you changed.
She might have had something there.
Yeah. Larry dumped you.
And then you got jealous of me and Dwayne.
Nah, she lost it.
Lunch order for Tiffany.
But I will say this. He's not just some beefcake.
He's smart and sensitive, and deep and smart.
Niihau, amigos.
Tiffany looked for something crushing
to say to her amigo Ashley.
You suck.
Though it wasn't as crushing as she had hoped.
Okay, okay, how about this?
Why don't you just go talk to her?
Who? Tiffany?
[sighing]
I can't. I'm really busy.
Well, it kinda seems like you're just using her.
No, I'm not.
See? She wants to do this.
Uh-humm.
Look, I'm the victim here.
I only lost my job in the first place
because something happened to me
that I couldn't control.
But you can control this.
Yeah, he's right. It's indefensible.
Yeah, he's right.
Don't listen to them.
You're getting everything you want out of this.
You're getting your old life back,
you're getting your job back.
Um, not exactly.
Close enough. It's a return to normalcy.
Plus, I'm telling you, this will impress Larry.
Right?
-Actually, yes, because I-- -Okay.
See?
But, what about my integrity?
It's not your integrity. It's your life.
Yeah.
So then your solution to all this is--
You know what?
I'm not listening to you anymore.
Call for Ashley.
You're just trying to ignore the problem. Over.
Copy that.
No, I'm not?
Yeah, you are.
You're making the mistake of thinking
that not fixing the problem is a solution.
But conflict avoidance
is not synonymous with conflict resolution.
-Who are you? -I'm Pat.
You're fired.
Oh... great.
Don't you think they might laugh at her?
Nobody's gonna laugh at her.
[laughing]
[both] It's going to be great.
Really? How do you think it'll make her feel
when nobody believes there?
She's old enough to make that call.
Yeah. And how old is she again?
I'm not the one you should be talking to.
Tiffany's doing an interview. It's out of my hands.
You have ten minutes to live.
What?
Yeah, the wound on your back got infected, so...
Oh no, wait...
Dr. Cunningham. Thanks for coming.
It's all right. Wrong chart. What I meant to say
was Tiffany has food poisoning.
How could this have happened?
[beeping]
Hey, shouldn't the fridge be plugged in?
Who cares?
Wait, somebody else has only ten minutes to live?
Excuse me.
You got your job back.
-What? -Tiffany's out, you're in.
-Oh. -It's all in your hands now.
You just have to do exactly what I say.
And with that, Ashley knew exactly what she had to--
I'll do it.
One question, okay?
Look, I don't have time for this.
Oh, sorry. Sheesh!
One question.
What?
Why is she doing this interview?
What do you mean?
Honestly, why?
Um...
[girl] Places everybody.
My name is Evie.
And I am 500,000 years old today.
My name--
My name is Evie
and I am 500,000 years old... today.
My name is Evie.
Oh, are you doing the interview?
Yes.
Oh, that's great.
It's gonna be great.
[Bruce] Yes, it's gonna be great.
[makeup girl] That's great.
[Bruce] So great.
How are you feeling? Are you nervous?
I'm okay.
Do you have any questions before we start?
I guess not.
No, really. We can talk about it.
Do you have any concerns?
[scoffs] Nah.
I mean, how would you feel like if they laugh,
if they don't believe you?
[scoffs] Of course they're gonna laugh.
Of course they're not gonna believe me.
[chuckles]
Then, why are you doing this interview?
Well, I just thought it would help you out.
Okay, in five, four, three...
[theme music playing]
ACTION NEWS LIVE
ACTION NEWS 500,000 YEARS OLD:
LOCAL WOMAN TO REVEAL HER SECRET
Not again.
THINK OF THE RATINGS
[whispering] Ask her her age.
Ask her...
about her age.
[whispering] Ask me about my age.
Okay, listen.
There's not going to be an interview.
[sighs]
But I can tell you this.
This lady is a good, kind, thoughtful friend.
Probably kinder than any of us.
So you don't believe her
when she says 500,000 years old.
And to be honest... maybe I don't.
I know how easy it is to ignore reality
and easiest way to ignore all of my all shortcomings
to make somebody else a target.
So go ahead laugh.
Or we could be all more like her.
The world would be a better place.
Right?
You suck.
Should I cut?
ACTION NEWS SORRY. AGAIN.
[sustained beeping]
Evie?
Hey, do you know where Evie went?
No.
Wait, didn't I fire you?
No, no, that was somebody else.
Hmm.
Ashley really was proud of herself this time.
She stood up for a friend when she needed at the most.
"Dear Ashley so long and thanks for everything.
Don't waste your time looking for me.
We'll never meet again?"
But this wasn't the response that she had hoped for.
Ashley wondered just what had gone wrong.
Of course, Evie said she wanted to be left alone.
But Ashley couldn't help retracing her steps.
No, meatballs are normal.
-Really? -Yeah. Totally normal.
Normal.
Okay.
-Can we order the meatballs? -No.
The meatballs are poisoned.
"Seriously, leave me alone!"
Ashley was beginning to get the hint.
But should she really not even try
to look for her friend again?
"Yes, really. Stop looking for me."
-Hey. -Oh, hey.
Listen, I just wanted to say a couple of things.
Uh, A, I wanted to apologize for being mean.
B, I really liked your speech.
C...
is Dwayne just a good looking meathead in a towel?
Yeah, I'm afraid so.
Yeah.
I know.
...MEANWHILE, ACROSS THE STREET
[Tiffany] Is Dwayne,
just a good looking meathead in a towel?
[Ashley] Yes, I'm afraid so.
Dwayne was shocked to realize that--
Well, no, he didn't really learn anything.
But he was good looking.
-He's good looking, though. -Yeah, I know.
[chuckling]
I guess that's that.
Yes, I guess that was that.
So in the end, Ashley learned
that some things drift in and out of your life
with no real reason or purpose.
And nothing you do or don't do
makes that much of a difference.
But that's what it means to be an adult.
You just sort of do things.
And the best conclusion you can hope for
isn't very satisfying,
because you can't understand it.
And you really shouldn't even try.
And then things don't go anywhere for a while.
Until they just sort of end.
[phone ringing]
Hello.
[man] Evie may only have moments to live.
Are you sure you have the right chart?
Yeah, I'm afraid so.
Look, I probably shouldn't be telling you this
because of confidentiality reasons.
But it's an emergency, so I need to let you know.
A while back we diagnosed her with a rather persistent,
rather severe delusional disorder.
And we've had her up
on our psych ward multiple times
for repeatedly trying to kill herself.
[voice fading out] She was here three weeks ago.
Ashley was in a panic.
She had retraced her steps, but she--
Wait.
[waves crushing]
Filling her pockets with rocks,
our other heartsick heroin decided to walk into the ocean
and end it all.
[thinking] Which makes sense,
because I remember when life first crawled out of there.
Evie.
Oh, great.
Not again.
Can we talk?
No.
Please, don't do it.
I stood up for you.
Actually, sweetheart,
you told everyone that you don't believe me.
I said, "Maybe I don't."
Okay. So what do you think?
The doctor said that I think--
Ashley, I know what the doctors think.
I'm just feeling very old and very tired.
And very ready for things to be over.
Okay, you're allowed to feel that.
Oh, thank you.
What do you want me to say?
I'm not gonna tell you what to say.
I'm not gonna speak for you,
I'm not gonna say, "Repeat after me."
Listen, I don't believe that you're 500,000 years old.
No one does.
And I know how lonely that makes you feel?
But you're not alone.
We could still be friends.
And as your friend...
I don't want you to do this.
Because I'll be all alone.
Do you want to do that to me?
[seagulls cawing]
♪ Happy birthday to you
♪ Happy birthday dear Evie Happy birthday to you ♪
My first struggle with depression started
when my third husband died.
He fell into the La Brea Tar Pits.
They have him on display now next to the mammoth bones.
[woman] Okay, Evie, let's fact check that.
[Evie] All right.
They put him over by the bathroom.
Ashley Jones was finally at peace.
Perhaps it was time to embrace her new life,
difficulties and all.
Older and wiser, she could no longer yearn
for the comfortable days of normalcy.
But instead, she should embrace
what life had now brough her "Difference-cy".
Perhaps Ashley Jones now stood on the threshold
of a new world of exciting possibilities.
Yes, perhaps a little luck was finally headed her way.
[clanking]
[thudding]
[birds chirping]
[moaning]
My head.
You have got to be kidding me.
No, I'm not kidding.
It was all strange but all true.
And this is the fate of man
to endure the vicissitudes of destiny,
endlessly wrestling
with the supreme complexity of existence.
Then again, why take my word for it?
[chuckles] I'm just a potato.
[English accent] Let me get this straight.
You're an American who got an American accent?
[door creaks]