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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[audience cheering]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[applause]

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[lights buzzing]

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-[mouse clicking]
-[phones ringing]

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[audience cheering, clapping]

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[exhales]

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[sniffs]

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[panting]

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[woman 1] He's ready to see you now.

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Thank you.

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[man 1] Thanks for coming in today.

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Really appreciate you sending in your CV.

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-No problem.
-[man 1] It was funny.

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Oh!

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Okay, that wasn't my intention.

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-But okay.
-[man 1] Great.

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Our current situation is unusual

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in that we don't have many,
any women working here,

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mainly due to the...

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-Oh, the sexual harassment case.
-[man 1] ...sexual harassment case.

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-Yes, yes, yes.
-[man 1] Yes.

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-Are you all right?
-Uh, yeah. Sorry, I just, uh...

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I just ran from the station,
so I'm a bit hot.

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-I'm really excited about this...
-[man 1] Water?

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Uh, no, no. No, I don't, uh...

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-Actually, yeah, water would be great.
-[man 1] So we're looking for someone

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who can handle themselves
in a competitive environment.

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It well may give you a following,

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but, uh, we have some pretty
good followers here, so, uh...

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-[laughs]
-[fake laugh]

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[audience laughs]

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[man 1] Yeah.

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It also involves updating the website

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and throwing up an occasional twit.

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It says here you've done
something similar before

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-at the cafe that you used to...
-Yeah.

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[man 1] Ah, okay.

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Um...

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I'm sorry, but I don't think
it was very funny.

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Oh, no, sorry.

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I thought I had a top on underneath.

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[man 1] Yeah, okay.

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-But, for the record...
-Oh, no, seriously,

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in this case, genuine accident.

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[man 1] Look, with honesty here,
I understand what you might be doing.

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No, I wasn't trying to...
Jesus, I was hot.

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[man 1] I take this kind of thing
very seriously now.

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No, I'm not trying to shag you.

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Look at yourself.

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[audience laughs]

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[man 1] Okay, please leave.

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What?

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-But you don't understand. I need this...
-[man 1] Please just leave.

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-Perv.
-[man 1] Slut.

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Wow!

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-[man 1] Please leave.
-You... please leave.

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[audience laughs]

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[man 1] It's my office.

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Yeah?

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[man 1] Okay.

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[footsteps trudging]

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Uh, sorry... Wait!

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[sighs]

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Three nights ago, I ordered myself
a very slutty pizza.

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I mean, the bitch was dripping.

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[audience laughs]

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And that dirty little stuffed crust
wanna be in me so bad,

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I just ate the little tart
like she meant nothing to me

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and she loved it.

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And that pretty much nailed that,
and it was pretty late now,

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so I dragged myself upstairs
to get into my office.

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Well, my bed.

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And try to work on the figures
for the cafe.

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I run a guinea pig-themed cafe.

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But it's out of cash and it's gonna close,

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unless a check falls out of the sky,
or a banker cums on my ass.

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And neither are gonna happen.

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And I don't wanna dignify the banker man
with the proper mentions,

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so I'm not gonna talk about him.

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Well, how I do sometimes wish
I could own up to not having morals

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and let him cum on my ass
for 10,000 pounds.

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But, apparently,
we're not supposed to do that.

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So...

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Okay.

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I won't.

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Even though it would solve everything.

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I won't.

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Even though I could.

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Lying in my office, the cafe numbers

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start to jump, pounce at me
like little ninjas.

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So I rationalized it'd be good
to switch off for a bit,

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improve my mind.

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So I watched a pretty good movie,
actually, called, um, Seventeen Again.

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With Zac Efron who is...

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He's fit.

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I know, but...

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I mean, seriously,
he's actually a really good actor.

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Mm-hm.

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And the film could have been worse,
Honestly. Check it out.

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Then that finished, I lay there, thinking,

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"Cafe, numbers, numbers, Zac, numbers."

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Googled "Obama."

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-To keep up with, um, you know...
-[Obama] ...to have them in attendance.

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-I am so happy to be here today.
-Who, as it turns out, is also...

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[Obama] It is wonderful to see all of...

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...attractive.

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Lay there, thinking, "Cafe, numbers,

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numbers, Obama, numbers, Zac,
Obama, numbers, Zac."

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Suddenly, I was on YouPorn
having a horrible wank.

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-[metal rattling]
-[woman moaning]

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And found just the right
sort of gang bang.

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Now, that really knocked me out,

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so I put my computer away, leaned over,

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kissed my boyfriend, Harry,
good night, and went to sleep.

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[audience laughs]

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The next morning, I wake to find a note
from Harry, which reads,

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"That was the last straw."

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It's a bit out of the blue, to be honest.

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Didn't know he was counting straws,
but nice to know he was paying attention.

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All of his stuff was gone.

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And everything in the fridge.

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I was a bit thrilled by his selfishness.

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Suddenly fancied him again.

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But I was relieved that one of us
did something.

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He used to say things to me like,

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"You're not like other girls. You can..."

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[finger snaps]
"...keep up."

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"Keep up."

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I stood staring at a handprint on my wall

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of when I had a threesome on my period.

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[audience laughs]

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[murmurs]

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Mmm...

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Harry and I break up
every 12 to 18 months.

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And when we do, well...

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I wish I could tell you my threesome story
was awkward and sticky,

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and everyone went home
a little bit sad and empty,

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but, uh, it was lovely.

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[audience laughs]

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Sorry.

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I do admire how much Harry
commits to our breakups.

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The fridge is a new detail,
but he does always go the extra mile.

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A few times, he's even cleaned
the whole flat.

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Like it's a crime scene.

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I've often considered timing our breakups

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when the flat needs a bit of going-over.

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I never know what's gotta set him off.

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Keeps me on my toes.

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I sit on the loo.

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Think about all the people
I can have sex with now.

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I'm not obsessed with sex.

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I just can't stop thinking about it.

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The performance of it.

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The awkwardness of it.

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The drama of it.

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The moment you realize someone wants...

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your body.

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Not so much the feeling of it.

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I reckon I got about a week
before Harry gets back, so...

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[claps]
...better get on it.

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Into the shower, boom, bedroom
makeup, boom,

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I'm gonna really make an effort.

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-[water runs]
-I take half an hour trying to look nice,

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and I end up looking amazing.

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[audience laughs]

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I mean, just best in ages.

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One of those days! Boom!

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Gorgeous! Fresh-faced, heels,
wearing a skirt,

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a new top, little bit sexy,
on my way to save my cafe.

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And, yes, I am strutting.

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And I can see a man coming
towards me from the bus stop.

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He just cannot take his eyes off me.

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And I am walking like I got
a paintbrush up my ass

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thinking, "Yeah, you check me out

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because it's never gonna happen,
chub chub."

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[audience laughs]

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I opened the cafe with my friend, Boo.

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She's dead now.

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She accidentally killed herself.

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It wasn't her intention,
but it wasn't a total accident.

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She didn't think she'd actually die.

184
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She just found out that her boyfriend
fucked someone else

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and wanted to punish him
by ending up in hospital

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and not letting him visit her for a bit.

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She decided to walk
into a busy cycle lane,

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wanting to get tangled in a bike,
break a finger maybe.

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But as it turns out, bikes go fast
and flip you into the road.

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Three people died. She was such a dick.

191
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I never told her parents the truth.

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I told her boyfriend.

193
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He cried.

194
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A lot.

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[rapid footsteps]

196
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Chub chub's getting closer.

197
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Oversize jacket.

198
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Meaty face.

199
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Looks me up and down.

200
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It's like he's confused
about how attractive I am.

201
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[audience laughs]

202
00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:44,560
Like he can't quite believe it.

203
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I worry, for a second, I'm gonna make
a sex offender out of the poor guy.

204
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Oh, oh, he's gonna say something.
Here we fucking go.

205
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This better be good.

206
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He's passing. He's passing.

207
00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:59,400
He brings his hand to his mouth,
and he coughs,

208
00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:00,920
"Walk of shame!"

209
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:02,760
[audience laughs]

210
00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:09,560
It's too late for me
to go home and change and...

211
00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:12,280
I have flat shoes in my bag.

212
00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:13,880
And, anyway, he was fat.

213
00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:18,120
And he can't take that off at night.

214
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:19,600
[audience laughs]

215
00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:23,000
Harry's a bit fat.

216
00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:26,560
He lightly pats his belly
like he's a little bear,

217
00:09:26,640 --> 00:09:29,120
proud of what he's achieved.

218
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Hunted, gathered, eaten. Pat.

219
00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:36,080
Evidence. Pat, pat.

220
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Makes me laugh.

221
00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:42,120
A pretty girl at a party once asked me

222
00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:44,720
if I secretly liked
that Harry had a little paunch

223
00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:47,720
'cause it made him less attractive
to other women.

224
00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:50,760
Her boyfriend was a whale in the corner,

225
00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:52,480
blocking the doors to the toilets.

226
00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:57,080
I asked her if he made her
wash the bits he can't reach.

227
00:09:58,640 --> 00:09:59,680
She slapped me!

228
00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:01,520
[audience laughs]

229
00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:03,040
Actual slap.

230
00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:06,400
-Which means he did.
-[audience laughs]

231
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:10,760
Boo's death hit the papers.

232
00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:14,360
"Local cafe girl gets hit
by a bike and a car...

233
00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:15,800
and another bike."

234
00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:20,040
There was a buzz around the cafe
all of a sudden. Notes. Flowers.

235
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:22,240
Guinea pig memorabilia
were left in her memory.

236
00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:24,600
Boo made sense of the guinea pig theme.

237
00:10:24,680 --> 00:10:26,240
She was all small and cute

238
00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:27,960
and put pictures of guinea pigs
everywhere.

239
00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:29,840
I pretend they're not there,

240
00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:33,200
which I suspect makes the whole
guinea pig cafe experience a bit creepy.

241
00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:36,800
Boo was built a bit like a guinea pig.

242
00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:40,320
No waist or hips. Just...

243
00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:41,520
Straight down!

244
00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:44,160
But she rocked it.

245
00:10:45,560 --> 00:10:46,840
And she was beautiful.

246
00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:49,680
Tricky though.

247
00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:52,560
Jealous.

248
00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:54,880
Sensitive.

249
00:10:57,320 --> 00:10:58,480
But beautiful.

250
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:01,240
And my best friend.

251
00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:06,080
Ten past eleven at the cafe.

252
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,120
Quiet.

253
00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:10,120
Eerily so.

254
00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:14,040
Boo always used to play music,
read out horoscopes,

255
00:11:14,120 --> 00:11:15,880
and shrivel crisp packets
in the microwave.

256
00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:18,320
It used to make the place stink,

257
00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:20,240
but she turned the little packets
into key rings

258
00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:22,560
and give them to the people
who were especially polite.

259
00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:27,240
One guy in the corner

260
00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:30,360
drinking tap water and using the plug.

261
00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:33,720
He should buy something,
but it's just nice to have someone around.

262
00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:35,960
He's reading.

263
00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:38,200
He's quite attractive, actually.

264
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,680
But he doesn't look at me.

265
00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:42,720
Even when I purposely drop a cucumber

266
00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:44,960
just so I have something to bend over for.

267
00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:48,120
Even Joe hasn't turned up.

268
00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:50,280
Joe is always here at 11:00.

269
00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:52,800
Proper old geezer, coggly
from the toes up.

270
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:54,200
One of life's good people.

271
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:55,600
Huge teeth!

272
00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:58,400
White hair, ludicrous grin,

273
00:11:58,480 --> 00:12:01,800
and a joy that slaps you in the face
until you can't help but smile at it.

274
00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:04,040
Even the fucking furniture loves Joe.

275
00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:07,840
I swear the door swings open voluntarily
when he arrives,

276
00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:09,960
if only to give the man an entrance.

277
00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:11,520
Suddenly, he'll just be there.

278
00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:12,880
-Crash!
-[door opens]

279
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:14,680
-[bell rings]
-It almost clatters off its hinges

280
00:12:14,760 --> 00:12:16,240
with the force of him.

281
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:17,400
Nothing...

282
00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:20,400
touches Joe.

283
00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:22,760
He's invincible.

284
00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:25,280
You can hear him bellowing,

285
00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:28,240
"Hello, sweet pea," to the whole street

286
00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:31,320
before he swaggers in,
long white hair blowing behind him,

287
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:33,600
cut off checkered trousers,
white T-shirt, braces,

288
00:12:33,680 --> 00:12:35,120
dripping wet from the rain, all,

289
00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:37,320
"What magic! What a beautiful morning.

290
00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:40,040
I can't... I can't actually get over
how glorious it is out there.

291
00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:42,920
Lucky to live, eh?

292
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:44,960
Lucky to live."

293
00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:47,800
I don't know what he does.

294
00:12:49,080 --> 00:12:50,640
I just know he comes in at 11:00.

295
00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:52,840
Usually.

296
00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:56,400
I find myself watching the door.

297
00:12:57,480 --> 00:13:01,040
I never really noticed he was such
a regular when Boo was here, but now...

298
00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:03,880
But then, it's okay.

299
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:05,840
'Cause I see his silhouette
take up the window,

300
00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:08,200
and wait for the door to crash open,

301
00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:10,760
but today, it just flops to its side
with a whimper.

302
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:13,480
And Joe limply shuffles to the counter.

303
00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:16,240
I'm not prepared for this.

304
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:19,000
"All right, Joe?"

305
00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:22,920
"Uh, yeah, yeah, ducky, yeah.

306
00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:24,960
Yeah, I'm all right."

307
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:28,320
"Tea, Joe?"

308
00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:32,360
"Uh, yeah, darling, yeah,
that would be lovely. Thank you.

309
00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:34,080
I'll just, um...

310
00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:35,800
I'll just be at the back."

311
00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:39,920
I make his tea. Six sugars.

312
00:13:41,560 --> 00:13:44,440
I take it outside,
place it on his little table.

313
00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:47,880
He rolls a fag and watches the cup steam.

314
00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:51,600
"Now, ain't that a beautiful thing."

315
00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:55,960
I'm not sure what to, um...

316
00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:58,560
I asked him for a rollie.

317
00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:00,160
I don't smoke. Well, I do, but...

318
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:01,240
Oh, shut up!

319
00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:03,680
Um...

320
00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:05,080
[sighs]

321
00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:06,720
"Can I have a rollie, Joe?"

322
00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:08,640
"Sugarplum, you can have
anything you want.

323
00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:09,960
May I have the honor?"

324
00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:11,160
"Yeah, thanks."

325
00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:14,040
He rolls it for me
with his spindly inky fingers.

326
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:15,920
It takes four seconds. Proper pro.

327
00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:18,520
I take it from him.

328
00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:19,880
-Light it.
-[lighter ignites]

329
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:21,560
We smoke.

330
00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:26,520
I sit beside him, two of us
on these tiny little kids chairs,

331
00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:29,360
sort of a gimmick thing,
but, really, they were cheaper.

332
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:32,800
He looks ridiculous.

333
00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:37,200
"I love these chairs, you know?"

334
00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:41,320
"What's wrong, Joe?"

335
00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:43,920
[sniffs]

336
00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:45,920
"Ah, my girl.

337
00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:48,120
My girl.

338
00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:50,960
I love people.

339
00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:52,960
I love people.

340
00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:56,440
But they get me down."

341
00:14:58,320 --> 00:14:59,400
"Yeah.

342
00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:01,760
Yeah, people are shit."

343
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:04,480
He turns to me.

344
00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:07,200
I can see into every deep line
of his face.

345
00:15:07,880 --> 00:15:10,480
"Oh, no, darlin'. No!

346
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,320
People are amazing.

347
00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:16,720
But when will people realize

348
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:20,160
that people are all we got?"

349
00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:25,240
He smiles at me,
but I feel a bit ambushed.

350
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:28,280
So I pretend I have to wash
the cappuccino machine,

351
00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:30,360
just go inside and wipe the nozzle a bit.

352
00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:34,640
Five o'clock. Northern line.

353
00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:35,880
I'm trying to read an article

354
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:38,640
about how the word "feminist"
has apparently become dirty.

355
00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:40,600
I try to engage,

356
00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:43,480
but all it makes me think of
is a bunch of dirty little feminists.

357
00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:45,520
[audience laughs]

358
00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:47,160
Yes.

359
00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:50,040
Mm-hm.

360
00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:51,600
I snort laugh at myself.

361
00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:55,280
And then catch the eye
of an attractive looking man.

362
00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:57,400
Oh!

363
00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:01,600
Well, he is attractive
and holding his paper to about here.

364
00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:04,160
It all gets a bit rodenty
from the nose down,

365
00:16:04,240 --> 00:16:06,760
but it's good enough
for some eye-fucking on the tube.

366
00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:10,200
He smiles at me with his tiny mouth.

367
00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:13,920
[audience laughs]

368
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:18,400
I smile back.

369
00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:20,480
[muffled giggle]

370
00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:23,160
He looks down.

371
00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:24,960
I look down.

372
00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:32,960
And then we both look up at the same time.

373
00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:35,920
Little giggle.

374
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:39,160
Other people on the carriage
start to notice.

375
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:43,040
Charmed by the moment.

376
00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:46,120
It's revolting.

377
00:16:47,520 --> 00:16:50,000
The tube pulls in Tottenham Court Road

378
00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:53,600
and we both stand up at the same time.

379
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,520
[giggles]
I could vomit.

380
00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:57,680
He says to me,

381
00:16:57,760 --> 00:16:58,880
"Um...

382
00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:02,360
Well, this doesn't happen
very often, does it?"

383
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:06,160
[audience laughs]

384
00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:07,720
I give a horribly giggly,

385
00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:08,960
"No, no, it's..."

386
00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:10,480
[giggles]

387
00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:14,000
"I, I suppose it's quite rare. Yeah."

388
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:16,880
He says it might sound a bit crazy,

389
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:18,640
but he's got this "crazy" idea,

390
00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:21,640
and the "crazy" idea is to take my number.

391
00:17:22,920 --> 00:17:25,280
We give credit to the moment
and exchange numbers.

392
00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:27,080
I leave the tube.

393
00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:29,400
Suddenly have a Harry panic.

394
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:31,640
He just won't be there anymore.

395
00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:34,720
Madam Ovary is telling me to,
"Run back to safe place.

396
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:36,240
You can make baby in safe place."

397
00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:38,920
But gotta ride it out.
The fridge means nothing.

398
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:40,440
He'll text me later. Ride it out.

399
00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:43,480
I met a nice rodent on the tube.
I have a lot to be thankful for.

400
00:17:44,240 --> 00:17:46,200
[announcer] Welcome to Women Speak.

401
00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:48,440
The lecture will commence in five minutes.

402
00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:50,040
Please have your tickets ready.

403
00:17:50,120 --> 00:17:52,880
I find my sister outside the lecture hall.

404
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:55,440
She's uptight and beautiful
and probably anorexic,

405
00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:57,120
but clothes look awesome on her, so...

406
00:17:58,120 --> 00:18:00,200
Mom died two years ago.

407
00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:02,760
She had a double mastectomy,
but never really recovered.

408
00:18:02,840 --> 00:18:06,720
It was particularly hard
'cause she had amazing boobs.

409
00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:08,960
She used to tell me I was lucky

410
00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:11,320
'cause mine would never "get in the way."

411
00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:14,040
When I asked her what she meant,

412
00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:17,880
she used to demonstrate by pretend
struggling to open a fridge door.

413
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,080
"And then you can't."

414
00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:22,360
[groans]

415
00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:23,800
"This is all good. This is fine.

416
00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:25,320
I wonder if I can..."

417
00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:26,680
[grunts]

418
00:18:26,760 --> 00:18:28,000
"Yeah."

419
00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:29,760
[sighs]

420
00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:32,680
Or pretending not to be able to see
what's on the floor.

421
00:18:32,760 --> 00:18:34,680
"A fucking nightmare, darling.

422
00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:36,400
Sorry, I... I can't see anything.

423
00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:38,200
I have no idea what's there.

424
00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:39,320
Damn it.

425
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:40,480
Is it...

426
00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:41,720
Is there something there?

427
00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:43,960
I don't know,
but you know you're very lucky."

428
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:48,720
My sister's got whoppers.

429
00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:52,200
But she got all of Mom's good bits.

430
00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:56,040
Dad's way of coping
with two motherless daughters

431
00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:57,840
was to buy us tickets to feminist lectures

432
00:18:57,920 --> 00:19:00,240
and start fucking our godmother,
and, eventually, stop calling.

433
00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:03,760
These lectures are every three months.

434
00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:06,280
It's virtually the only time
I see my sister.

435
00:19:07,360 --> 00:19:08,440
She looks tired.

436
00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:11,160
We sit in the waiting room.

437
00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:18,280
I realize I'm wearing the top

438
00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:21,320
that she "lost" years ago, so...

439
00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:24,520
Yes, this is gonna be tense.

440
00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:27,400
She really fucking loved this top.

441
00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:30,480
Her eyes fixed on it.

442
00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:35,960
But... And I can see her brain ticking.

443
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:39,880
She decides to bank it for later.

444
00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:41,600
[audience laughs]

445
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:45,640
Makes me nervous.

446
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:47,640
Ammo.

447
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:51,800
She's reading her Kindle.

448
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,320
She's done her hair a bit fancy.

449
00:19:56,960 --> 00:20:00,080
I wonder if she's going out after
the lecture, or she just got her period.

450
00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:03,280
She always does something
a bit different around her period.

451
00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:05,520
She gets really bad PMT.

452
00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:08,960
Mom used to call it
her monthly confidence crisis.

453
00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:11,360
But it's PMT.

454
00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:12,880
The only way she can get through it

455
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:15,960
is to reinvent herself in some small way.

456
00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:17,640
One particularly bad month,

457
00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:20,120
she came into the kitchen
on the brink of tears,

458
00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:22,240
in full Lycra.

459
00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:26,080
Even Dad had to leave the room.

460
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:29,240
It looked like she climbed into a condom.

461
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:34,240
That was an emotionally complex
couple of days

462
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:36,160
that we are not allowed
to talk about anymore.

463
00:20:38,680 --> 00:20:40,480
She's sitting so still.

464
00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:44,800
She's definitely having
a monthly confidence crisis.

465
00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:47,360
I mean, it's in plaits.

466
00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:49,800
Both sides that are tied to the top,
it's unbearable.

467
00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:54,120
I can't resist.

468
00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:07,720
[audience laughs]

469
00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:17,600
[laughter continues]

470
00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:33,200
"Hair looks nice."

471
00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:35,640
"Fuck off!"
[laughs]

472
00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:38,720
Brilliant!

473
00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:41,960
She asked me about work
and I get a little spiky.

474
00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:44,280
I tell her the cafe leases up
in a couple of days

475
00:21:44,360 --> 00:21:46,960
unless I can find at least five grand,
which is impossible.

476
00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:49,840
So I'm having to deal with letting go
of the only thing that I have left of Boo,

477
00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:50,920
the only thing that's stopping me

478
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:52,760
from becoming a corporate
lady slave like her.

479
00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:54,360
And I know that everyone thought
I was gonna fuck it up.

480
00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:56,720
But now, it looks like
I've surpassed everyone's expectations.

481
00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:58,960
Which I didn't mean to say,
it just falls out,

482
00:21:59,040 --> 00:22:01,000
and I'm gonna get her smugness
all up on my face.

483
00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:03,480
But she just looks at me.

484
00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:05,680
No reaction.

485
00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:07,840
I know the rules.

486
00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:11,360
So I asked her about her super
high-powered perfect job work, super life.

487
00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:15,400
She tells me she's finally been offered
the wet dream of a job in Finland,

488
00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:17,440
where they want to overpay
and underwork her

489
00:22:17,520 --> 00:22:19,480
and she doesn't have to wear
powersuits anymore.

490
00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:21,120
"Wow!

491
00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:22,320
Finland."

492
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:24,080
But she's turning it down

493
00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:26,680
because her husband says
she shouldn't go because of Jake.

494
00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:28,400
Jake's her stepson. He's really weird.

495
00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:30,600
Probably clinically,
but no one really talks about that.

496
00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:33,880
He freaks out,
if she's gone for longer than a day.

497
00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:36,760
And he's got this thing about
trying to get in the bath with her.

498
00:22:38,120 --> 00:22:39,200
He's 15.

499
00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:41,360
[audience laughs]

500
00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:43,720
I tell her, "He's not your son."

501
00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:46,160
"That's not the point."

502
00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:48,960
Hm...

503
00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:51,800
"Don't make a face."

504
00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:53,960
"I didn't make a face.

505
00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:55,600
Go!

506
00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:57,480
This is about you."

507
00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:00,280
"I knew you'd say that."

508
00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:03,840
I tell her she's making
a terrible mistake.

509
00:23:03,920 --> 00:23:07,280
She shouldn't let other people
get in the way of what she really wants,

510
00:23:07,360 --> 00:23:09,840
and Finland's what she really wants.

511
00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:12,880
She tells me that, okay, her husband...

512
00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:16,120
isn't "other people."

513
00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:18,400
Her husband...

514
00:23:19,560 --> 00:23:21,040
is her life.

515
00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:26,360
So I tell her that her husband
tried to touch me up at Christmas.

516
00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:27,880
[audience laughs]

517
00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:31,960
I don't know why I said it.

518
00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:35,600
It's true, but he was drunk, so...

519
00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:38,560
Martin's always drunk,

520
00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:40,680
which is odd, because she's so straight.

521
00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:42,920
Or maybe that's not odd.

522
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:45,680
But he's very good at being drunk

523
00:23:45,760 --> 00:23:47,440
and that he's a fun drunk.

524
00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:49,360
No one wants to admit there's a problem,

525
00:23:49,440 --> 00:23:51,520
because, then, they don't get
to have crazy nights out

526
00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:53,400
with fun, drunk Martin anymore.

527
00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:56,360
[exhales]

528
00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:00,280
[in French accent]
Martin.

529
00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:04,520
He's one of those men...

530
00:24:06,080 --> 00:24:09,960
who is explosively sexually inappropriate
with everyone

531
00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:12,000
that makes you feel bad,
if you take offense,

532
00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:13,720
'cause he was just being "fun."

533
00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:17,440
Honestly, you could tell him you're
gonna pop to the loo, and he'll say,

534
00:24:17,520 --> 00:24:19,160
[in Scottish accent]
"Aye, aye, you pop to the loo.

535
00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:20,720
Pull your little knickers down,

536
00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:23,880
and I'll come in and fuck you!"

537
00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:26,320
[audience laughs]

538
00:24:29,320 --> 00:24:31,280
Clare always tries to sort of...

539
00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:33,080
[nervous chuckle]

540
00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:34,800
[fake giggle]

541
00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:40,280
Half laugh like she gets the joke.

542
00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:42,800
Which isn't even a joke.

543
00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:44,680
[announcer] Welcome to Women Speak.

544
00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:46,360
Sorry for the delay.

545
00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:48,280
The lecture will begin shortly.

546
00:24:48,360 --> 00:24:50,680
Those who may have food or drink
can eat it in the auditorium.

547
00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:53,920
She just stares at me.

548
00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:57,120
And then her neck goes red.

549
00:24:58,640 --> 00:25:00,400
I've only seen that happen once before.

550
00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:03,440
Then she looks ahead of her.

551
00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:08,440
I give her half my sandwich,
which she eats.

552
00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:11,200
Maybe she's not anorexic.

553
00:25:12,120 --> 00:25:13,680
Maybe clothes just...

554
00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:16,720
Bitch.

555
00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:18,560
[audience laughs]

556
00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:22,080
We sit and wait, eating the sandwich.

557
00:25:23,280 --> 00:25:24,360
I can't read her.

558
00:25:25,520 --> 00:25:26,920
I've never been able to read her.

559
00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:31,560
She pulls out a card from Dad,
puts it on the seat between us.

560
00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:32,880
It's probably still there.

561
00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:35,200
[announcer] Women Speak
is about to commence.

562
00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:37,280
Please enter the auditorium.

563
00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:39,560
The lecture hall is huge.

564
00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:41,800
We go right to the front and sit down.

565
00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:43,080
Still can't read her.

566
00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:44,800
Suddenly, she says...

567
00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:48,960
"I'm gonna go to fucking Finland."

568
00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:52,320
"Okay."

569
00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:56,360
"I hate these suits."

570
00:25:58,640 --> 00:25:59,720
"Okay."

571
00:26:02,120 --> 00:26:04,760
"How much do you need to save Boo's cafe?"

572
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:08,680
[scoffs]
"About five grand."

573
00:26:10,920 --> 00:26:12,080
"Okay.

574
00:26:12,720 --> 00:26:14,600
I'll transfer the money tomorrow.

575
00:26:15,880 --> 00:26:17,880
But I don't wanna come to these anymore."

576
00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:22,200
"Okay."

577
00:26:25,360 --> 00:26:27,360
"And I want my top back."

578
00:26:27,440 --> 00:26:29,480
[audience laughs]

579
00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:33,560
"Okay."
[light giggle]

580
00:26:35,280 --> 00:26:36,400
"Thanks, Clare."

581
00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:38,200
[tapping on microphone]

582
00:26:39,360 --> 00:26:40,480
[lecturer] Thank you.

583
00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:43,000
Gosh, look at you all.

584
00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:44,960
Thank you so much for coming.

585
00:26:45,040 --> 00:26:48,240
I'm overwhelmed
by how many faces I see before me.

586
00:26:49,120 --> 00:26:53,360
I hope I do your efforts justice
with what I have to say this evening.

587
00:26:53,880 --> 00:26:57,760
But before I begin,
I want to ask you a question.

588
00:26:57,840 --> 00:27:01,640
The same question that inspired me
to give this lecture.

589
00:27:01,720 --> 00:27:06,160
The same question that was posed
to women all around this country

590
00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:09,520
with, frankly, shocking results.
[lecturer chuckles]

591
00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:14,080
Now, I don't know about you,
but I need some reassurance.

592
00:27:14,160 --> 00:27:15,240
[lecturer giggles]

593
00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:17,280
-Mm-hm.
-[lecturer] So.

594
00:27:17,360 --> 00:27:20,880
I pose the same question
to the women in this room today.

595
00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:23,920
Please raise your hands,

596
00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:28,960
if you would trade five years of your life

597
00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:32,840
-for the so-called perfect body?
-[scoffs]

598
00:27:32,920 --> 00:27:35,440
[audience laughs]

599
00:27:45,640 --> 00:27:48,400
Four hundred women stare at us.

600
00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:50,840
Horrified.

601
00:27:52,560 --> 00:27:54,840
We are bad feminists.

602
00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:03,800
After the lecture,
Clare says she's going home

603
00:28:03,880 --> 00:28:05,440
to talk to Martin.

604
00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:08,640
I want to ask her to have a drink with me
before she goes, but...

605
00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:11,400
I don't know how, so...

606
00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:15,920
I just watched her plaits disappear
into the crowd outside the tube.

607
00:28:19,880 --> 00:28:21,200
[phone message alert chimes]

608
00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:22,760
Text from rodent.

609
00:28:23,920 --> 00:28:25,800
Still smiling, smiley face.

610
00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:27,760
Oh, god.

611
00:28:27,840 --> 00:28:29,200
[audience laughs]

612
00:28:29,280 --> 00:28:30,960
I text back, "You free now?"

613
00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:34,960
He is. We meet up
and get very, very drunk.

614
00:28:35,640 --> 00:28:37,680
I can't stop staring at his tiny mouth.

615
00:28:38,760 --> 00:28:41,520
He's telling a story
like he doesn't wanna let the words out.

616
00:28:43,040 --> 00:28:44,240
"You know..."

617
00:28:44,320 --> 00:28:47,080
[indistinct mumbling]

618
00:28:48,320 --> 00:28:49,960
[indistinct mumbling continues]

619
00:28:51,960 --> 00:28:54,880
He tells me that his sister is deaf,

620
00:28:54,960 --> 00:28:56,360
which is his way of letting me know

621
00:28:56,440 --> 00:28:58,360
that he's interesting and sensitive,
which is fine.

622
00:28:59,720 --> 00:29:02,160
But then, he is the only one in his family

623
00:29:02,240 --> 00:29:04,280
who didn't learn sign language.

624
00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:05,560
[audience laughing]

625
00:29:08,600 --> 00:29:10,560
Apparently, because they grew up together,

626
00:29:10,640 --> 00:29:12,400
she can lip-read him brilliantly.

627
00:29:12,480 --> 00:29:14,520
Which makes me wonder
what she thinks he's saying all the time.

628
00:29:14,600 --> 00:29:17,160
Because, to me, it just looks like...
[indistinct mumbling]

629
00:29:17,240 --> 00:29:18,920
[muffled speaking]
"...up the stairs,

630
00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:20,960
and he's been fooled, really.

631
00:29:21,040 --> 00:29:22,480
And he didn't even know.

632
00:29:22,560 --> 00:29:24,600
You know, what two, two of my friends
are doing right now?

633
00:29:24,680 --> 00:29:27,040
I'd say this one is a good restaurant."

634
00:29:31,440 --> 00:29:33,800
He tells me his sister is so instinctive.

635
00:29:36,080 --> 00:29:38,240
How she can read people brilliantly.

636
00:29:40,400 --> 00:29:42,320
How she'd be able to read me.

637
00:29:45,640 --> 00:29:47,440
He's having an excellent time.

638
00:29:49,880 --> 00:29:52,960
[chuckles]
Harry has terrible instincts.

639
00:29:53,040 --> 00:29:56,680
Once. I think this might be
the best thing he's ever done.

640
00:29:56,760 --> 00:29:59,800
Once, he was in a restaurant,
he's quite shy, really.

641
00:29:59,880 --> 00:30:01,080
He was in a restaurant,

642
00:30:01,160 --> 00:30:03,280
having had a filthy night out with me
the night before.

643
00:30:03,360 --> 00:30:06,280
I mean, the man was hanging.

644
00:30:07,520 --> 00:30:10,280
And he was having lunch
with these really important website bots.

645
00:30:10,360 --> 00:30:12,160
When, suddenly, it hit him.

646
00:30:12,240 --> 00:30:13,920
Halfway through the starter, the...

647
00:30:14,000 --> 00:30:15,040
[in low voice]
"Yeah.

648
00:30:15,400 --> 00:30:16,720
Yeah, he was gonna be sick.

649
00:30:18,560 --> 00:30:20,160
Yeah, like now."

650
00:30:20,240 --> 00:30:21,560
So he excused himself.

651
00:30:21,640 --> 00:30:24,440
And Harry walks to the loo,
only to burst in to discover

652
00:30:24,520 --> 00:30:27,040
that all the cubicles were locked
and all the urinals were taken

653
00:30:27,120 --> 00:30:29,200
and he couldn't bring himself
to spew in one of the sinks.

654
00:30:29,280 --> 00:30:32,680
So, in a panic, he kicked down
one of the cubicle doors,

655
00:30:33,320 --> 00:30:35,400
revealing a man having a shit.

656
00:30:35,480 --> 00:30:37,000
"Ugh!"

657
00:30:38,360 --> 00:30:40,720
And then, boom!

658
00:30:40,800 --> 00:30:43,720
It just all came out.

659
00:30:43,800 --> 00:30:46,640
He puked all over this guy.

660
00:30:46,720 --> 00:30:51,600
His face, his chest, his balls,

661
00:30:51,680 --> 00:30:54,320
his feet, on the walls.

662
00:30:54,400 --> 00:30:55,720
Drenched him.

663
00:30:55,800 --> 00:30:58,560
But then, and this is the best bit.

664
00:30:59,800 --> 00:31:03,400
In the frenzy of it all,
Harry rationalized,

665
00:31:03,480 --> 00:31:05,760
[in low voice]
"Oh, god, I just puked on this guy,

666
00:31:05,840 --> 00:31:07,040
He's gonna punch me."

667
00:31:07,120 --> 00:31:08,680
So he smacked him in the face!

668
00:31:08,760 --> 00:31:10,440
[audience laughing]

669
00:31:12,960 --> 00:31:14,360
[nervous breathing]

670
00:31:19,360 --> 00:31:20,960
Isn't it beautiful?

671
00:31:22,160 --> 00:31:23,640
It was particularly good

672
00:31:23,720 --> 00:31:26,400
'cause when he first told me and Boo,
he didn't know...

673
00:31:26,480 --> 00:31:28,000
[in low voice]
"It was a funny story?"

674
00:31:30,360 --> 00:31:31,440
[laughs]

675
00:31:31,520 --> 00:31:34,240
It will never be heard like that again.

676
00:31:34,760 --> 00:31:36,480
[in low voice]
"It was such a serious story."

677
00:31:38,960 --> 00:31:40,400
And he was mortified.

678
00:31:43,400 --> 00:31:46,160
Boo loved poo stories.

679
00:31:46,240 --> 00:31:48,840
So she couldn't actually deal
with the glory of this one.

680
00:31:48,920 --> 00:31:50,880
She just stared open-mouthed,

681
00:31:50,960 --> 00:31:52,880
paralyzed with joy, as he told him.

682
00:31:52,960 --> 00:31:55,880
[audience laughing]

683
00:32:03,080 --> 00:32:04,440
A few weeks ago,

684
00:32:05,800 --> 00:32:07,920
when Harry thought I was sleeping,

685
00:32:08,960 --> 00:32:12,040
he rolled over, stroked my hair,
and whispered,

686
00:32:13,520 --> 00:32:15,000
[in soft voice]
"Where have you gone?"

687
00:32:15,080 --> 00:32:16,960
[audience laughing]

688
00:32:22,040 --> 00:32:23,560
[in soft voice]
"Where have you gone?"

689
00:32:27,720 --> 00:32:29,760
He thinks I'm neglecting him.

690
00:32:31,640 --> 00:32:33,200
But when your heart is...

691
00:32:38,520 --> 00:32:39,960
I wish he'd just fuck me.

692
00:32:41,440 --> 00:32:43,080
All he wants to do is make love.

693
00:32:44,160 --> 00:32:45,440
He's wasting me.

694
00:32:46,720 --> 00:32:50,080
I was once fucking this guy
who would breathe with every thrust.

695
00:32:50,160 --> 00:32:52,040
"You're so young!"

696
00:32:52,960 --> 00:32:55,360
"You're so young!"

697
00:32:56,760 --> 00:32:58,280
Mmm...

698
00:33:04,160 --> 00:33:06,480
I masturbate about that all the time.

699
00:33:06,560 --> 00:33:08,800
[audience laughs]

700
00:33:11,360 --> 00:33:12,800
I masturbate a lot these days.

701
00:33:14,320 --> 00:33:15,800
Especially when I'm bored.

702
00:33:16,840 --> 00:33:18,080
Or angry.

703
00:33:19,440 --> 00:33:20,640
Or upset.

704
00:33:22,600 --> 00:33:24,040
Or happy.

705
00:33:25,760 --> 00:33:26,960
Last tube.

706
00:33:27,040 --> 00:33:29,960
Attempting to kiss tube rodent,
but it's like target practice

707
00:33:30,040 --> 00:33:32,520
with a very small moving target.

708
00:33:32,600 --> 00:33:34,000
[audience laughs]

709
00:33:35,200 --> 00:33:36,920
I asked him if he wants
to come back to mine,

710
00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:38,200
he said he's got work tomorrow.

711
00:33:38,280 --> 00:33:39,520
I say I can go back to his.

712
00:33:39,600 --> 00:33:40,640
He said it's an early start.

713
00:33:40,720 --> 00:33:42,560
I tell him I'll get him a cab to work
in the morning.

714
00:33:42,640 --> 00:33:43,720
He says, "That's ridiculous."

715
00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:45,280
I say, "What the fuck is your problem?"

716
00:33:46,880 --> 00:33:49,520
He says, "Nothing." He just wants
to see me again, not rush.

717
00:33:49,600 --> 00:33:51,200
I tell him he's a prick. He says he's...

718
00:33:51,280 --> 00:33:52,600
[in low voice]
"Not sure what's going on."

719
00:33:54,160 --> 00:33:56,080
I tell him he's a pathetic excuse
for a man,

720
00:33:56,160 --> 00:33:57,680
and I leave him at the barriers, ha!

721
00:33:59,760 --> 00:34:02,800
It's a bit weird, then, because we both
have to come down the same escalator.

722
00:34:05,760 --> 00:34:07,160
I push my bum out a bit.

723
00:34:08,080 --> 00:34:09,360
Give him some perspective.

724
00:34:11,640 --> 00:34:13,760
I turn around when I get
to the platform, but...

725
00:34:15,320 --> 00:34:16,560
he's gone.

726
00:34:19,120 --> 00:34:20,680
The end of the platform,

727
00:34:21,840 --> 00:34:23,440
sat on this sort of bench thing,

728
00:34:24,840 --> 00:34:27,800
is the drunkest girl I have ever seen.

729
00:34:28,840 --> 00:34:30,800
Head rolled forward.

730
00:34:31,160 --> 00:34:32,920
Tit hanging out.

731
00:34:33,720 --> 00:34:35,040
Bag sprawled.

732
00:34:35,120 --> 00:34:36,560
Nicely dressed. Normal-looking girl

733
00:34:36,640 --> 00:34:39,200
who clearly just had one hell of a night.

734
00:34:40,160 --> 00:34:41,840
Last tube rolls in.

735
00:34:41,920 --> 00:34:43,280
She doesn't move.

736
00:34:43,360 --> 00:34:44,760
I nudge her awake.

737
00:34:44,840 --> 00:34:47,040
She gets up, only to stumble on
to the carriage,

738
00:34:47,120 --> 00:34:48,880
slump into another seat,

739
00:34:48,960 --> 00:34:51,080
head still rolling.

740
00:34:51,160 --> 00:34:54,400
Other tit folded out now.

741
00:34:54,480 --> 00:34:56,360
Bag tangled in her feet.

742
00:34:57,360 --> 00:34:58,960
I asked her where she needs to get off.

743
00:34:59,040 --> 00:35:00,040
And she says...

744
00:35:13,440 --> 00:35:14,560
"Waterloo."

745
00:35:14,640 --> 00:35:16,800
[audience laughs]

746
00:35:18,880 --> 00:35:21,120
Great. My stop. I help her off.

747
00:35:21,200 --> 00:35:24,200
I ask her where she needs to get to next.
And she says...

748
00:35:30,800 --> 00:35:32,240
"London Bridge."

749
00:35:33,960 --> 00:35:35,120
"Okay."

750
00:35:36,680 --> 00:35:38,720
"And then, Kent."

751
00:35:38,800 --> 00:35:40,280
[audience laughs]

752
00:35:43,480 --> 00:35:46,800
The tubes are finished. They were finding
an overground to London Bridge.

753
00:35:46,880 --> 00:35:49,560
At one point, we're walking,
she just falls flat on her face.

754
00:35:49,640 --> 00:35:50,960
-[thuds]
-Get her up, keep going.

755
00:35:52,320 --> 00:35:53,760
Try and keep her talking.

756
00:35:53,840 --> 00:35:56,280
Her head's going all over the place.

757
00:35:56,360 --> 00:35:58,360
After about 45 minutes...

758
00:36:00,200 --> 00:36:01,840
Forty-five.

759
00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:04,920
We're on an escalator.

760
00:36:06,080 --> 00:36:07,440
There's a bit of a lull.

761
00:36:08,080 --> 00:36:10,520
And she turns to me and she says,

762
00:36:12,640 --> 00:36:13,880
"Aww."

763
00:36:13,960 --> 00:36:15,720
[audience laughs]

764
00:36:17,560 --> 00:36:19,720
"You're such a lovely man."

765
00:36:20,480 --> 00:36:23,040
[audience laughs]

766
00:36:30,880 --> 00:36:33,400
Her train pulls in,
but I don't let go of her.

767
00:36:33,920 --> 00:36:36,720
I asked her if she'd rather spend
the night with me, and she says,

768
00:36:36,800 --> 00:36:39,320
"How dare you, naughty boy!

769
00:36:40,320 --> 00:36:41,520
No!"

770
00:36:41,600 --> 00:36:43,600
So I push her on the carriage
and she's gone.

771
00:36:44,960 --> 00:36:47,360
I leave the station thinking,
"What's one more?"

772
00:36:47,440 --> 00:36:48,760
I go to a bar.

773
00:36:48,840 --> 00:36:50,560
It's a "business" bar.

774
00:36:51,160 --> 00:36:53,360
People are doing "business."

775
00:36:54,600 --> 00:36:57,280
I drink a lot
and pretend that I'm in business.

776
00:36:59,160 --> 00:37:02,160
A bald, sweaty man cups my vagina

777
00:37:02,240 --> 00:37:03,600
from behind at the bar.

778
00:37:03,680 --> 00:37:04,880
[audience gasps]

779
00:37:04,960 --> 00:37:06,440
But he buys me a drink, so...

780
00:37:06,520 --> 00:37:08,400
[audience laughs]

781
00:37:14,360 --> 00:37:15,520
He's nice, actually.

782
00:37:17,680 --> 00:37:19,880
After a while, he disappears.

783
00:37:21,560 --> 00:37:23,920
And the business bar closes.

784
00:37:27,720 --> 00:37:29,640
Closed for business.

785
00:37:31,640 --> 00:37:33,120
[audience laughs]

786
00:37:34,720 --> 00:37:36,160
Shutting up shop.

787
00:37:38,240 --> 00:37:41,120
That's what Boo used to say
whenever she closed the cafe.

788
00:37:41,200 --> 00:37:43,280
"Shutting up shop!"

789
00:37:43,360 --> 00:37:44,640
Like she was drunk.

790
00:37:44,720 --> 00:37:45,720
Which we often were.

791
00:37:46,920 --> 00:37:49,160
We'd look up, sink a bottle of wine.

792
00:37:49,240 --> 00:37:53,800
She'd play the ukulele
and we'd make up filthy songs for hours.

793
00:37:55,240 --> 00:37:56,920
♪ Another lunch break ♪

794
00:37:57,000 --> 00:37:59,880
♪ Another abortion ♪

795
00:38:02,120 --> 00:38:04,240
♪ Another piece of cake ♪

796
00:38:04,320 --> 00:38:07,880
♪ Another 2 fuckin' 20 cigarettes ♪

797
00:38:07,960 --> 00:38:10,000
♪ And we're happy ♪

798
00:38:10,080 --> 00:38:13,280
♪ We're so happy ♪

799
00:38:13,360 --> 00:38:16,960
♪ To be modern women ♪

800
00:38:18,120 --> 00:38:19,960
Suddenly, I'm at a familiar doorstep.

801
00:38:20,400 --> 00:38:22,200
I ring the bell and ring the bell,

802
00:38:22,280 --> 00:38:24,960
and hammer on the door,
and yell like a goat.

803
00:38:25,560 --> 00:38:26,960
-[doorbell rings]
-This should be

804
00:38:27,040 --> 00:38:28,600
a humiliating experience.

805
00:38:28,680 --> 00:38:30,240
Howling through a man's letterbox

806
00:38:30,320 --> 00:38:32,560
in the middle of the night,
but I am rolling with it.

807
00:38:34,040 --> 00:38:35,280
A light goes on.

808
00:38:36,120 --> 00:38:38,840
I see his silhouette
as he trudges down the stairs.

809
00:38:39,400 --> 00:38:41,320
He must have recognized mine
through the door

810
00:38:41,400 --> 00:38:43,280
because his body language
changes suddenly.

811
00:38:44,640 --> 00:38:46,400
He slowly unhooks the latch.

812
00:38:46,480 --> 00:38:48,240
-Opens the door.
-[door opens]

813
00:38:51,680 --> 00:38:53,400
He looks like shit.

814
00:38:55,120 --> 00:38:56,960
I place my hand...

815
00:38:58,200 --> 00:39:00,200
right over his face...

816
00:39:01,560 --> 00:39:02,840
and I push it a bit.

817
00:39:02,920 --> 00:39:05,200
[groans]

818
00:39:05,840 --> 00:39:07,760
[audience laughs]

819
00:39:08,920 --> 00:39:12,120
Strikes me as something I never
thought I'd do to a parent, but, uh...

820
00:39:15,080 --> 00:39:16,440
Feels right at the time.

821
00:39:18,360 --> 00:39:20,240
He stands in the doorway.

822
00:39:20,320 --> 00:39:21,960
Boxer shorts, T-shirt.

823
00:39:22,920 --> 00:39:24,920
I can see the shape
of his little man boobs.

824
00:39:26,360 --> 00:39:28,200
"All right, Dad."

825
00:39:29,880 --> 00:39:32,080
"Um, what's going on?"

826
00:39:33,680 --> 00:39:35,960
"Oh, no, no! I'm absolutely fine."

827
00:39:39,680 --> 00:39:40,800
"Okay."

828
00:39:42,480 --> 00:39:43,600
"I just, uh...

829
00:39:45,360 --> 00:39:46,520
I just...

830
00:39:48,120 --> 00:39:49,280
Uh..."

831
00:39:50,600 --> 00:39:51,760
"Yeah?"

832
00:39:53,880 --> 00:39:55,400
"Nothing.

833
00:39:55,480 --> 00:39:56,640
I didn't even, um...

834
00:39:56,720 --> 00:39:57,880
Ooh, gay.

835
00:39:57,960 --> 00:39:59,680
I just, uh...

836
00:39:59,760 --> 00:40:01,520
Ooh, sorry.

837
00:40:01,600 --> 00:40:02,640
I'll just...

838
00:40:05,120 --> 00:40:07,600
Oh, fuck it. I have a horrible feeling

839
00:40:07,680 --> 00:40:11,760
that I'm a greedy, perverted,
selfish, apathetic,

840
00:40:11,840 --> 00:40:15,440
cynical, depraved, mannish looking,
morally bankrupt woman

841
00:40:15,520 --> 00:40:17,400
who can't even call herself a feminist."

842
00:40:23,680 --> 00:40:24,920
He just looks at me.

843
00:40:30,320 --> 00:40:32,480
"Well, uh...

844
00:40:36,520 --> 00:40:38,360
You get all that from your mother."

845
00:40:38,440 --> 00:40:39,920
[audience laughs]

846
00:40:48,400 --> 00:40:49,560
"Good one."

847
00:40:53,040 --> 00:40:55,280
I wonder if he'd find me attractive

848
00:40:55,360 --> 00:40:57,040
if I wasn't his daughter.

849
00:40:59,840 --> 00:41:02,600
"If you saw me on the internet...

850
00:41:06,760 --> 00:41:08,200
would you click on me?"

851
00:41:08,280 --> 00:41:10,160
[audience laughs]

852
00:41:14,960 --> 00:41:16,560
"I'm gonna call you a cab, darling."

853
00:41:19,680 --> 00:41:23,280
He lets me wait in his living room
as he calls me a cab.

854
00:41:24,440 --> 00:41:27,960
I could hear my godmother trying
to be quiet at the top of the stairs.

855
00:41:30,880 --> 00:41:32,320
When the cab comes,

856
00:41:32,400 --> 00:41:34,520
he gently puts me into it,

857
00:41:34,600 --> 00:41:36,480
-gives me 20 quid.
-[car door closes]

858
00:41:39,440 --> 00:41:41,120
[car rumbling]

859
00:41:45,960 --> 00:41:47,320
I'm in a cab.

860
00:41:49,440 --> 00:41:51,160
I can go anywhere.

861
00:41:53,200 --> 00:41:57,080
So I tell him to take me to...

862
00:41:59,200 --> 00:42:00,680
my flat.

863
00:42:02,560 --> 00:42:04,520
Already thinking about
what I'm gonna look up.

864
00:42:04,600 --> 00:42:07,000
[woman moaning]

865
00:42:09,960 --> 00:42:11,480
Back at the flat,

866
00:42:11,560 --> 00:42:13,600
I turn on the TV and cry for a bit.

867
00:42:14,640 --> 00:42:16,640
I started thinking
about this girl called Lily

868
00:42:16,720 --> 00:42:18,480
I used to touch a bit when we were drunk.

869
00:42:19,040 --> 00:42:21,640
Harry didn't know, but girls don't count.

870
00:42:23,400 --> 00:42:25,920
I text her. She was quite close, I think.

871
00:42:26,520 --> 00:42:27,960
Suddenly, I'm on Pornhub,

872
00:42:28,040 --> 00:42:29,520
wet as a beach towel,
but I can't get there

873
00:42:29,600 --> 00:42:31,160
'cause the girl's got spots on her ass.

874
00:42:33,840 --> 00:42:35,480
Some of them just don't make the effort.

875
00:42:37,840 --> 00:42:39,200
Nothing back from Lily.

876
00:42:40,680 --> 00:42:43,840
I start thinking about this ginger guy
I met at the festival last summer.

877
00:42:44,960 --> 00:42:47,360
It was about a month after Boo had died.

878
00:42:47,440 --> 00:42:49,680
I had taken a pill and flown off
into the woods.

879
00:42:49,760 --> 00:42:51,560
I was desperate to get away from Harry.

880
00:42:51,640 --> 00:42:54,640
He started to relentlessly hug me,
telling me how much he loved me,

881
00:42:54,720 --> 00:42:55,920
asking how much I loved him,

882
00:42:56,000 --> 00:42:57,440
and checking if I was okay.

883
00:42:58,560 --> 00:42:59,880
There was a rave in the woods.

884
00:43:01,000 --> 00:43:05,480
And I was panicking
and, and I'm touching my face a lot.

885
00:43:05,560 --> 00:43:07,120
And, suddenly, he was there.

886
00:43:07,200 --> 00:43:08,240
Ginger guy.

887
00:43:09,520 --> 00:43:11,120
He told me that I could follow him

888
00:43:11,200 --> 00:43:13,200
and he would take me back to my tent.

889
00:43:14,720 --> 00:43:16,560
We were walking for ages.

890
00:43:18,080 --> 00:43:20,080
He was holding me by my wrist.

891
00:43:21,560 --> 00:43:22,800
It was very dark.

892
00:43:23,880 --> 00:43:25,360
I couldn't work out where we were.

893
00:43:26,920 --> 00:43:29,240
At one point, he even picked me up,

894
00:43:29,320 --> 00:43:31,600
he was holding my legs really tightly,

895
00:43:31,680 --> 00:43:34,760
said that I was too weak to walk
and I had to trust him.

896
00:43:36,600 --> 00:43:38,080
Eventually, we stopped.

897
00:43:40,440 --> 00:43:43,440
I felt him lying me down
on my back in a tent.

898
00:43:45,360 --> 00:43:46,640
And then he...

899
00:43:49,040 --> 00:43:50,160
He...

900
00:43:53,320 --> 00:43:54,600
He put a cover over me

901
00:43:54,680 --> 00:43:55,960
and a bottle of water next to my arm

902
00:43:56,040 --> 00:43:57,760
and he sat outside till I fell asleep.

903
00:43:57,840 --> 00:43:59,720
[audience laughs]

904
00:44:04,360 --> 00:44:07,000
Though he could have at least tried
to touch me up a bit.

905
00:44:09,600 --> 00:44:11,080
I never quite let that go.

906
00:44:12,760 --> 00:44:14,760
I text him, tell him I'm single and horny.

907
00:44:14,840 --> 00:44:16,600
He says he's out
and can be here in 20 minutes.

908
00:44:16,680 --> 00:44:18,600
Great. Quickly drink half bottle of wine,

909
00:44:18,680 --> 00:44:20,240
get in the shower, shave everything.

910
00:44:21,200 --> 00:44:23,000
Decide I'm gonna up my game a little bit,

911
00:44:23,080 --> 00:44:25,880
pull out some Asian provocateur business,
suspender belt, the whole bit,

912
00:44:25,960 --> 00:44:27,600
open the door to him, "Hello."

913
00:44:27,680 --> 00:44:29,160
We get to it immediately.

914
00:44:29,240 --> 00:44:32,480
After some pretty standard bouncing,

915
00:44:32,560 --> 00:44:36,120
I realize he's edging towards my asshole.

916
00:44:37,360 --> 00:44:39,240
But I'm drunk and I owe him a thank you

917
00:44:39,320 --> 00:44:41,400
for being nice to me
at the festival, so...

918
00:44:42,640 --> 00:44:43,720
I let him.

919
00:44:44,520 --> 00:44:45,760
He's thrilled.

920
00:44:48,040 --> 00:44:49,360
The next morning,

921
00:44:50,200 --> 00:44:51,720
I wake to find him...

922
00:44:52,640 --> 00:44:53,800
sitting on the bed,

923
00:44:54,720 --> 00:44:55,800
fully dressed,

924
00:44:56,720 --> 00:44:57,960
gazing at me.

925
00:44:59,240 --> 00:45:01,160
He tells me that last night
was incredible.

926
00:45:01,240 --> 00:45:02,600
Which I think was an overstatement.

927
00:45:03,800 --> 00:45:06,840
But he goes on to say,
it was particularly special

928
00:45:06,920 --> 00:45:08,560
'cause he's never actually managed to...

929
00:45:11,640 --> 00:45:12,720
...up the bum

930
00:45:13,920 --> 00:45:15,120
with anyone before.

931
00:45:15,200 --> 00:45:17,320
To be fair, he does have a large penis.

932
00:45:17,400 --> 00:45:19,760
And even though
it's always been a fancy of his,

933
00:45:19,840 --> 00:45:21,840
he's never found anyone he can do it with.

934
00:45:22,960 --> 00:45:24,440
He touches my hair.

935
00:45:25,480 --> 00:45:28,080
And thanks me with a genuine earnest.

936
00:45:30,080 --> 00:45:31,480
It's sort of moving.

937
00:45:33,320 --> 00:45:34,880
Then he kisses me gently.

938
00:45:36,280 --> 00:45:37,560
I kiss him back.

939
00:45:38,800 --> 00:45:40,200
And then he leaves.

940
00:45:41,960 --> 00:45:44,120
And I spend the rest
of the day wondering...

941
00:45:59,440 --> 00:46:01,840
"Do I have a massive asshole?"

942
00:46:15,840 --> 00:46:18,960
It's five to eleven at the cafe,
I'm still thinking about it.

943
00:46:20,640 --> 00:46:22,640
Haven't heard from my sister.

944
00:46:22,720 --> 00:46:24,160
No transfer yet.

945
00:46:24,840 --> 00:46:26,440
I wonder if Martin's murdered her

946
00:46:26,520 --> 00:46:29,000
and is now stalking the city,
looking for me.

947
00:46:30,040 --> 00:46:31,320
The door smashes open.

948
00:46:31,400 --> 00:46:32,720
-[door slams]
-Joe.

949
00:46:32,800 --> 00:46:34,760
"Hello, sweet pea!"

950
00:46:34,840 --> 00:46:36,320
His legs are too long for his body.

951
00:46:37,240 --> 00:46:38,600
"Look at this beauty!"

952
00:46:38,680 --> 00:46:42,480
He holds up a ukulele that apparently
someone gave him in a pub last night.

953
00:46:42,560 --> 00:46:44,360
Just gave him a ukulele.

954
00:46:45,200 --> 00:46:46,640
He says he's written a song.

955
00:46:46,720 --> 00:46:47,960
"I don't wanna hear it."

956
00:46:48,440 --> 00:46:50,080
He holds up another ukulele

957
00:46:50,160 --> 00:46:52,280
that, apparently, another person...

958
00:46:53,120 --> 00:46:55,160
gave him in another pub.

959
00:46:56,160 --> 00:46:58,280
"Crazy how the world speaks to you
all at once, eh?"

960
00:46:59,840 --> 00:47:02,080
He says he's gonna sing his song to me.

961
00:47:02,160 --> 00:47:04,040
Then he's gonna teach it to me.

962
00:47:04,120 --> 00:47:05,840
So we can both sing it to Hillary.

963
00:47:06,960 --> 00:47:09,480
I tell him I'm too busy and sit out
the back till I hear him leave.

964
00:47:10,800 --> 00:47:12,080
He tinkles a bit, but...

965
00:47:12,160 --> 00:47:13,760
[Joe playing the ukulele]

966
00:47:15,320 --> 00:47:16,720
I don't hear him sing.

967
00:47:16,800 --> 00:47:18,720
[Joe playing the ukulele continues]

968
00:47:21,560 --> 00:47:23,240
Schoolkids used to come into the cafe.

969
00:47:24,240 --> 00:47:25,440
Mainly because of Hillary.

970
00:47:25,520 --> 00:47:28,360
Basically, I'm shit at presents,
and for Boo's birthday two years ago,

971
00:47:28,440 --> 00:47:29,960
I panicked and bought her a guinea pig.

972
00:47:30,040 --> 00:47:32,160
She called it Hillary.
And now, I'm stuck with it.

973
00:47:32,240 --> 00:47:34,960
I didn't feel anything about guinea pigs.
They're pointless.

974
00:47:35,040 --> 00:47:37,720
But Boo took Hillary
very seriously as a gift,

975
00:47:37,800 --> 00:47:40,240
and soon, everything
became guinea pig related.

976
00:47:40,840 --> 00:47:44,600
I think she was just relieved to have
another animal associated with her.

977
00:47:44,680 --> 00:47:46,280
When Boo was about five,

978
00:47:46,360 --> 00:47:49,320
she mentioned,
on a childish whim, that she...

979
00:47:49,800 --> 00:47:51,120
[exhales]

980
00:47:51,440 --> 00:47:52,760
...liked owls.

981
00:47:54,720 --> 00:47:57,920
For the rest of her life, she got owls.

982
00:47:58,840 --> 00:48:00,480
Owl duvet covers.

983
00:48:01,280 --> 00:48:02,400
Owl pens.

984
00:48:02,480 --> 00:48:05,200
Books about owls. Trips to owl sanctuary.

985
00:48:05,280 --> 00:48:06,720
She fucking hated owls.

986
00:48:08,080 --> 00:48:10,240
Show her an owl,
and she would lose her shit.

987
00:48:11,200 --> 00:48:13,240
What she really liked, and I knew this...

988
00:48:13,920 --> 00:48:15,200
was screwdrivers.

989
00:48:17,960 --> 00:48:19,520
Just crazy about them.

990
00:48:20,480 --> 00:48:23,480
We'd spend hours unscrewing things.

991
00:48:26,880 --> 00:48:28,400
Screwing them back on.

992
00:48:30,480 --> 00:48:33,680
She slept with screwdrivers
under her pillow till she was about ten.

993
00:48:35,560 --> 00:48:36,640
Come to think of it,

994
00:48:37,960 --> 00:48:40,120
a screwdriver would have been
a better present than a...

995
00:48:41,560 --> 00:48:42,600
guinea pig.

996
00:48:44,840 --> 00:48:45,960
Midday.

997
00:48:46,480 --> 00:48:48,160
Still nothing from my sister.

998
00:48:49,360 --> 00:48:51,160
Martin's gonna hate me.

999
00:48:51,920 --> 00:48:55,320
I picture his massive Scottish head.

1000
00:48:56,640 --> 00:48:58,960
Hope he hasn't beaten
the shit out of her or anything.

1001
00:49:00,080 --> 00:49:01,880
Nah, he'd never do anything
as sexy as that.

1002
00:49:03,080 --> 00:49:04,440
I'm joking.

1003
00:49:04,520 --> 00:49:05,880
I'm joking.

1004
00:49:08,320 --> 00:49:09,640
Jesus.

1005
00:49:09,720 --> 00:49:10,760
Okay.

1006
00:49:11,200 --> 00:49:14,880
Um, Hillary is fat and ginger
with frizzy bits.

1007
00:49:14,960 --> 00:49:16,680
Like Annie, the orphan.

1008
00:49:17,560 --> 00:49:20,920
If she was grown up and fat
and a guinea pig, which, uh...

1009
00:49:21,520 --> 00:49:23,200
Well, who knows what became of her.

1010
00:49:24,600 --> 00:49:26,560
She's got this sort of punky bit of fur

1011
00:49:26,640 --> 00:49:28,360
that explodes off the crown of her head

1012
00:49:28,440 --> 00:49:30,240
and falls down over her eyes.

1013
00:49:30,320 --> 00:49:32,160
Makes her look pretty badass.

1014
00:49:32,640 --> 00:49:34,520
She has a very straight expression.

1015
00:49:35,760 --> 00:49:38,120
Boo always said that
if Hillary was in a band,

1016
00:49:38,200 --> 00:49:41,480
she'd be the guitarist
that takes the music really seriously.

1017
00:49:43,400 --> 00:49:45,320
She did take music seriously, actually.

1018
00:49:46,480 --> 00:49:49,040
Whenever Boo played anything
in the cafe, she'd be all...

1019
00:49:49,120 --> 00:49:52,040
["The Mother We Share" by CHVRCHES plays]

1020
00:50:00,160 --> 00:50:01,560
♪ Never took your side ♪

1021
00:50:02,480 --> 00:50:04,400
♪ Never cursed your name ♪

1022
00:50:05,040 --> 00:50:06,800
♪ I keep my lips shut tight ♪

1023
00:50:07,960 --> 00:50:10,880
♪ Until you go-o-o-o-o-oh ♪

1024
00:50:11,480 --> 00:50:14,400
She's also a sneaky little shit.

1025
00:50:15,040 --> 00:50:17,160
She knows how to open her hutch door.

1026
00:50:17,240 --> 00:50:18,640
I have seen her do it.

1027
00:50:19,360 --> 00:50:22,160
She pushes the little wood stopper
till it just drops out.

1028
00:50:22,240 --> 00:50:23,560
And the door swings open.

1029
00:50:23,640 --> 00:50:25,720
-[hutch door clicks open]
-Then she freezes.

1030
00:50:28,560 --> 00:50:29,960
Like she hasn't done anything.

1031
00:50:30,880 --> 00:50:34,760
And then, she actually turns
herself around

1032
00:50:34,840 --> 00:50:37,960
and lowers herself down onto the counter,

1033
00:50:38,040 --> 00:50:42,840
little legs kicking, looking over
her shoulder occasionally, checking.

1034
00:50:45,200 --> 00:50:46,400
Checking.

1035
00:50:47,560 --> 00:50:49,560
She often does a little poo
in the excitement.

1036
00:50:49,640 --> 00:50:50,800
[groans]

1037
00:50:58,240 --> 00:51:00,640
Then, once landed,

1038
00:51:01,640 --> 00:51:02,760
she creeps.

1039
00:51:07,280 --> 00:51:09,560
All the way along the counter

1040
00:51:09,640 --> 00:51:11,040
till she gets to the window.

1041
00:51:11,120 --> 00:51:13,640
And then, when she gets there,

1042
00:51:14,480 --> 00:51:16,600
in her frenzy of freedom,

1043
00:51:18,480 --> 00:51:19,640
she sits down.

1044
00:51:20,960 --> 00:51:22,120
And she looks out.

1045
00:51:23,960 --> 00:51:25,520
Watching the world.

1046
00:51:26,960 --> 00:51:29,800
If she wants me to think that she's
really profound and poetic doing that,

1047
00:51:29,880 --> 00:51:31,160
I'm not rising to it.

1048
00:51:32,920 --> 00:51:35,320
Apparently, guinea pigs need
other guinea pigs

1049
00:51:35,400 --> 00:51:37,480
or they can die of loneliness.

1050
00:51:37,560 --> 00:51:40,280
But Hillary never needed a mate.
She got more than enough attention.

1051
00:51:40,360 --> 00:51:42,440
The punters loved her.
She was always on someone's lap.

1052
00:51:42,520 --> 00:51:45,800
And she had Boo, who never left her alone.

1053
00:51:45,880 --> 00:51:47,240
They adored each other.

1054
00:51:48,360 --> 00:51:51,240
The morning Boo's boyfriend told her
he'd fuck someone else...

1055
00:51:53,080 --> 00:51:54,440
she walked right past me.

1056
00:51:56,400 --> 00:51:57,960
Took Hillary out of her hutch

1057
00:51:58,040 --> 00:52:00,000
and sat out the back with her for hours.

1058
00:52:04,040 --> 00:52:07,520
I once read a story
from the paper to Boo and Hillary

1059
00:52:07,600 --> 00:52:10,680
about a little boy who repeatedly stuck
rubber-ended pencils

1060
00:52:10,760 --> 00:52:13,040
up the class hamster's asshole,

1061
00:52:13,120 --> 00:52:14,960
'cause he liked it
when their eyes popped out.

1062
00:52:15,760 --> 00:52:17,640
He was sent to a juvenile boot camp.

1063
00:52:18,280 --> 00:52:22,080
I read it out as a bit of a joke, really,
but Boo was distraught.

1064
00:52:22,160 --> 00:52:23,320
"What?

1065
00:52:23,400 --> 00:52:25,600
They sent him away?

1066
00:52:25,680 --> 00:52:27,360
But, but he needs help."

1067
00:52:28,080 --> 00:52:29,720
She was a surprising person.

1068
00:52:31,240 --> 00:52:32,960
"Yeah, he pencil fucked a hamster.

1069
00:52:33,040 --> 00:52:34,440
I mean, what are you gonna do?"

1070
00:52:36,280 --> 00:52:38,280
"Yeah, but he's obviously not happy.

1071
00:52:38,920 --> 00:52:40,920
Happy people don't do things like that."

1072
00:52:42,440 --> 00:52:43,440
"Fair point."

1073
00:52:44,400 --> 00:52:47,600
"And, anyway, that's the very reason
they put rubbers on the ends of pencils."

1074
00:52:51,400 --> 00:52:53,360
"What? Uh...

1075
00:52:53,440 --> 00:52:55,320
What, to fuck hamsters?"

1076
00:52:56,240 --> 00:52:58,280
"No! No.

1077
00:52:59,120 --> 00:53:00,400
Because...

1078
00:53:01,480 --> 00:53:02,760
people make mistakes."

1079
00:53:07,600 --> 00:53:09,120
But now, Boo's gone.

1080
00:53:10,160 --> 00:53:12,840
It's a death cafe,
so no one comes in anymore.

1081
00:53:13,960 --> 00:53:16,280
Hillary sits on her hutch like a lump.

1082
00:53:17,080 --> 00:53:18,240
Staring at me.

1083
00:53:19,720 --> 00:53:21,200
[hutch door clicks open]

1084
00:53:21,280 --> 00:53:22,560
I don't know what to do with her.

1085
00:53:24,640 --> 00:53:25,640
-Six o'clock.
-[door opens]

1086
00:53:25,720 --> 00:53:28,040
Two yoga body girls come into the cafe

1087
00:53:28,120 --> 00:53:29,800
and order risotto off the menu.

1088
00:53:29,880 --> 00:53:32,120
I popped the Tesco,
microwave their economy meal.

1089
00:53:34,760 --> 00:53:37,200
The girls are talking about
how they never wanna give birth

1090
00:53:37,280 --> 00:53:39,320
because the effect it'll have
on their sex lives.

1091
00:53:40,440 --> 00:53:41,800
Still haven't heard from my sister.

1092
00:53:43,080 --> 00:53:45,640
I put an empty crisp packet
in the microwave.

1093
00:53:45,720 --> 00:53:47,080
Watch it shrivel.

1094
00:53:47,960 --> 00:53:49,120
Play with my phone for a bit.

1095
00:53:49,200 --> 00:53:51,200
[Boo] Hi, this is Boo. I can't come
to the phone at the moment.

1096
00:53:51,280 --> 00:53:53,040
But leave a message
and I'll get back to you.

1097
00:53:59,160 --> 00:54:01,160
Someone should probably disconnect that.

1098
00:54:03,080 --> 00:54:04,400
[phone message alert chimes]

1099
00:54:04,480 --> 00:54:05,880
I start texting tube rodent.

1100
00:54:05,960 --> 00:54:07,560
I apologize and apologize,

1101
00:54:07,640 --> 00:54:09,280
and eventually sent him
a picture of my tits.

1102
00:54:10,480 --> 00:54:11,640
He sends me one back.

1103
00:54:11,720 --> 00:54:14,360
-[phone message alert chimes]
-I think it's of his cock.

1104
00:54:15,680 --> 00:54:19,080
My boyfriend before Harry used to
make me send him pictures of my vagina,

1105
00:54:19,160 --> 00:54:20,360
wherever I was.

1106
00:54:20,440 --> 00:54:21,720
Ten or eleven times a day.

1107
00:54:21,800 --> 00:54:24,560
I used to go and have to lunge
in a disabled toilet,

1108
00:54:24,640 --> 00:54:26,960
take an attractive picture of my vagina,

1109
00:54:27,040 --> 00:54:28,680
which isn't easy on the whole.

1110
00:54:29,800 --> 00:54:32,640
Especially as he always wanted
the worm's eye view.

1111
00:54:34,280 --> 00:54:35,400
Mm-mm.

1112
00:54:37,920 --> 00:54:39,800
It often looks a bit like

1113
00:54:39,880 --> 00:54:42,880
someone had dropped a little bap...

1114
00:54:43,680 --> 00:54:44,760
on its side...

1115
00:54:46,080 --> 00:54:47,960
on the floor of a hairdresser's.

1116
00:54:57,160 --> 00:54:58,640
-Then taking a photo of it.
-[phone chimes]

1117
00:55:00,680 --> 00:55:02,160
One tempting morning,

1118
00:55:02,240 --> 00:55:05,800
he asked me to send him pictures
of my favorite bits of my body.

1119
00:55:06,240 --> 00:55:07,800
I go to the disabled loo.

1120
00:55:30,680 --> 00:55:33,560
[audience laughs]

1121
00:56:04,720 --> 00:56:07,720
[audience laughs]

1122
00:56:12,440 --> 00:56:13,560
[phone message alert chimes]

1123
00:56:14,520 --> 00:56:17,240
[man 2] Oh, that is so hot.
Send another one, you beautiful bitch.

1124
00:56:20,480 --> 00:56:22,960
[audience laughs]

1125
00:56:34,600 --> 00:56:37,400
[audience laughing continues]

1126
00:57:14,280 --> 00:57:17,120
[audience applauds]

1127
00:57:25,040 --> 00:57:26,360
[phone message alert chimes]

1128
00:57:26,440 --> 00:57:29,080
[man 2] Now, say something
so dirty you'll shock yourself.

1129
00:57:29,160 --> 00:57:30,320
Send me another picture.

1130
00:57:30,400 --> 00:57:32,560
Oh, god, I'm wanking.

1131
00:57:34,200 --> 00:57:36,040
It exhausted me, but you gotta do it.

1132
00:57:37,160 --> 00:57:39,400
-Can't have them looking elsewhere.
-[knocks on door]

1133
00:57:39,880 --> 00:57:42,480
The boss banged on the disabled loo door.

1134
00:57:42,560 --> 00:57:45,040
It was my fourth visit that morning.

1135
00:57:46,280 --> 00:57:48,960
[in Australian accent]
"Um, is everything all right in there?"

1136
00:57:50,840 --> 00:57:51,920
He's Australian.

1137
00:57:53,960 --> 00:57:55,960
"Uh, yeah.

1138
00:57:56,040 --> 00:57:58,160
I just... I've, I've got cystitis."

1139
00:57:59,880 --> 00:58:02,080
"Oh, no, you poor chickadee.

1140
00:58:02,160 --> 00:58:05,480
Oh, I wonder if my wife
gets that all the time.

1141
00:58:05,560 --> 00:58:07,360
Cranberry juice, that's what you need.

1142
00:58:07,440 --> 00:58:09,560
Buckets of it. Shall I get you some
from the canteen?

1143
00:58:13,240 --> 00:58:14,240
Huh?

1144
00:58:16,560 --> 00:58:17,960
Hello?

1145
00:58:20,280 --> 00:58:21,600
Are you crying?"

1146
00:58:29,960 --> 00:58:31,480
I'm gonna stop waxing.

1147
00:58:33,480 --> 00:58:35,240
I met a man once who said...

1148
00:58:35,320 --> 00:58:37,480
I say said, it's more of a yell, really.

1149
00:58:38,120 --> 00:58:40,840
How much he loved a full bush.

1150
00:58:43,040 --> 00:58:45,040
And how rare they are these days.

1151
00:58:46,920 --> 00:58:49,120
Even though it was inappropriate,
at the time,

1152
00:58:49,200 --> 00:58:50,760
a family friend at Mom's funeral.

1153
00:58:58,360 --> 00:58:59,880
It filled me up with something.

1154
00:59:01,440 --> 00:59:02,600
Hope.

1155
00:59:05,200 --> 00:59:06,360
Relief.

1156
00:59:08,120 --> 00:59:09,440
I don't know.

1157
00:59:10,920 --> 00:59:12,840
Can't bring myself to actually grow one.

1158
00:59:14,520 --> 00:59:16,240
I called tube rodent.

1159
00:59:16,320 --> 00:59:18,200
He comes to the cafe
with a bottle of wine.

1160
00:59:18,280 --> 00:59:20,120
We drink it. He whispers to me...

1161
00:59:20,200 --> 00:59:21,320
Um...

1162
00:59:26,600 --> 00:59:30,120
[in soft vice]
"I have an enormous penis."

1163
00:59:33,960 --> 00:59:34,960
I say...

1164
00:59:36,000 --> 00:59:37,120
"Really?"

1165
00:59:38,640 --> 00:59:39,960
He says...

1166
00:59:41,400 --> 00:59:42,520
"Yeah."

1167
00:59:45,400 --> 00:59:46,560
I say...

1168
00:59:47,400 --> 00:59:48,640
"Well, that's lucky.

1169
00:59:49,320 --> 00:59:52,040
Because I have an enormous vagina."

1170
00:59:55,560 --> 00:59:56,720
He says...

1171
01:00:07,360 --> 01:00:08,600
"Awesome."

1172
01:00:12,600 --> 01:00:14,080
We fucked behind the counter.

1173
01:00:14,160 --> 01:00:16,480
He's very bony, all corners.

1174
01:00:16,560 --> 01:00:18,280
It's like having sex with a protractor.

1175
01:00:21,960 --> 01:00:23,200
He doesn't cum.

1176
01:00:23,280 --> 01:00:25,640
Says I'm being too intense,
whatever that means.

1177
01:00:28,040 --> 01:00:30,040
We turn the lights off,
so it's quite dark now.

1178
01:00:30,120 --> 01:00:32,160
He's pulling on his trousers,
trying to find his phone,

1179
01:00:32,240 --> 01:00:34,160
see if his friends are going out later.

1180
01:00:35,200 --> 01:00:38,480
He's wearing this pink
and purply paisley scarf.

1181
01:00:39,560 --> 01:00:41,040
He looks like a lady.

1182
01:00:42,760 --> 01:00:44,240
He hops over to the window,

1183
01:00:44,320 --> 01:00:45,600
leans on the sill,

1184
01:00:45,680 --> 01:00:48,120
turns his phone on, then he screams.

1185
01:00:48,560 --> 01:00:50,280
Really high-pitched.

1186
01:00:50,360 --> 01:00:54,360
The light from his phone had made
Hillary's eyes flash red in the darkness.

1187
01:00:54,880 --> 01:00:57,600
She must have wandered over
to the window when we were having sex.

1188
01:00:58,400 --> 01:01:00,640
For a second, I laugh at his reaction.

1189
01:01:00,720 --> 01:01:02,760
But she moved and he screams again.

1190
01:01:02,840 --> 01:01:05,560
She tries to run towards me, but panics,
and sort of slips off the side.

1191
01:01:05,640 --> 01:01:07,320
She lands on her stomach
and struggles a bit.

1192
01:01:07,400 --> 01:01:09,840
-But tube rodent sees red and kicks her.
-[audience gasps]

1193
01:01:09,920 --> 01:01:11,520
She flies against the wall with a thud.

1194
01:01:16,560 --> 01:01:18,880
He just stares at the furry pile
on the floor.

1195
01:01:21,080 --> 01:01:23,320
But she twitches. It makes him jump
and he kicks her again,

1196
01:01:23,400 --> 01:01:24,800
and she goes flying across the floor.

1197
01:01:31,320 --> 01:01:32,480
I can't move.

1198
01:01:35,680 --> 01:01:36,840
I think about Boo.

1199
01:01:38,480 --> 01:01:40,080
I think about them playing together.

1200
01:01:42,400 --> 01:01:45,000
Tube rodent's panicking,
mumbling something about a rat phobia.

1201
01:01:45,080 --> 01:01:47,600
-I tell him he can go and he disappeared.
-[door closes]

1202
01:01:52,440 --> 01:01:54,800
Hillary's on her front,
but her back is to me.

1203
01:01:56,480 --> 01:01:57,840
She looks like a...

1204
01:01:59,320 --> 01:02:00,320
a furry bullet.

1205
01:02:01,760 --> 01:02:03,240
She's still alive, but...

1206
01:02:04,680 --> 01:02:06,640
I put her back in her hutch
and we sit for a bit.

1207
01:02:10,920 --> 01:02:12,280
I text asshole guy.

1208
01:02:12,360 --> 01:02:15,240
He gets back, saying he's got a girlfriend
who was really drunk the other night,

1209
01:02:15,320 --> 01:02:17,720
would love to hang out in a non-sex way.
Sorry if he led me on.

1210
01:02:19,680 --> 01:02:21,400
I sent my ex a picture of my vagina.

1211
01:02:21,480 --> 01:02:22,840
I sent Harry a picture of my vagina.

1212
01:02:22,920 --> 01:02:25,240
I text Lily. Still nothing from my sister.

1213
01:02:25,320 --> 01:02:26,440
Hillary's not moving.

1214
01:02:26,520 --> 01:02:28,520
[Boo] Hi, this is Boo. I can't come
to the phone at the moment.

1215
01:02:28,600 --> 01:02:30,360
But leave a message
and I'll get back to you.

1216
01:02:31,280 --> 01:02:33,400
Hillary's making this horrible
chattering noise.

1217
01:02:33,480 --> 01:02:35,080
[Hillary chattering]

1218
01:02:35,160 --> 01:02:36,440
I take her out of her hutch,

1219
01:02:36,520 --> 01:02:38,960
put her on my lap, stroke her.

1220
01:02:39,040 --> 01:02:40,120
She doesn't stop.

1221
01:02:40,960 --> 01:02:42,200
I put her back.

1222
01:02:43,520 --> 01:02:45,160
I go to the Rabbit and Winslow pub.

1223
01:02:45,240 --> 01:02:48,160
I smoke outside. There were
three people laughing by the door.

1224
01:02:48,240 --> 01:02:49,320
[men laughing]

1225
01:02:49,400 --> 01:02:52,200
I can just make out the white hair
and the braces through the crowd.

1226
01:02:53,520 --> 01:02:54,760
I can hear him.

1227
01:02:55,320 --> 01:02:58,000
[ukulele playing]

1228
01:02:58,080 --> 01:03:00,360
Someone's let him on stage
with his ukulele.

1229
01:03:01,840 --> 01:03:03,400
He's singing his song.

1230
01:03:04,560 --> 01:03:06,280
People are laughing and clapping.

1231
01:03:07,760 --> 01:03:09,400
I listen to it from outside.

1232
01:03:10,720 --> 01:03:13,480
It's about a train journey
he once took through Ireland,

1233
01:03:13,560 --> 01:03:15,480
where he met a man
who told stories to everyone

1234
01:03:15,560 --> 01:03:19,880
about love and home,
and romance and adventure,

1235
01:03:19,960 --> 01:03:22,400
and beautiful women and beautiful men,

1236
01:03:22,480 --> 01:03:25,960
and mothers and daughters,
and fathers and sons,

1237
01:03:26,040 --> 01:03:29,360
monsters and fairies,
and parties and wishes.

1238
01:03:30,720 --> 01:03:32,080
All the usual crap.

1239
01:03:33,640 --> 01:03:36,880
The whole scene is like something
out of a revolting rom-com,

1240
01:03:36,960 --> 01:03:38,280
but he's nailing it.

1241
01:03:39,680 --> 01:03:41,080
He goes to the bar after.

1242
01:03:42,320 --> 01:03:43,840
Everyone buys him drinks.

1243
01:03:45,160 --> 01:03:46,640
The man doesn't need to work.

1244
01:03:48,440 --> 01:03:50,720
I realized I've forgotten
to give Hillary her Earl Grey.

1245
01:03:52,280 --> 01:03:54,280
-Ten-thirty that night.
-[thumping on door]

1246
01:03:54,360 --> 01:03:56,280
I hammer and hammer and ring the bell.

1247
01:03:56,360 --> 01:03:57,680
[doorbell rings]

1248
01:03:57,760 --> 01:03:59,920
I see his silhouette
at the top of the stairs, but...

1249
01:04:01,080 --> 01:04:02,360
he doesn't open the door.

1250
01:04:04,720 --> 01:04:06,320
Back at the flat,

1251
01:04:06,400 --> 01:04:08,240
Harry's obviously been around.

1252
01:04:08,320 --> 01:04:10,480
The TV is gone.
It smells like he did a shit.

1253
01:04:11,760 --> 01:04:14,120
He never used to shit in the flat.
He was really weird about it.

1254
01:04:14,200 --> 01:04:15,640
He used to go to the pub across the road.

1255
01:04:19,200 --> 01:04:20,840
I sit on my stripy sofa.

1256
01:04:22,160 --> 01:04:23,240
Open my laptop.

1257
01:04:23,320 --> 01:04:24,720
[woman moaning]

1258
01:04:24,800 --> 01:04:28,720
Anal, gangbang, mature, big cocks,

1259
01:04:28,800 --> 01:04:32,480
small tits, hentai, Asian, teen,

1260
01:04:32,560 --> 01:04:36,280
MILF, big butts, gay, lesbian,

1261
01:04:36,360 --> 01:04:39,960
facial, fetish, young and old, swallow,

1262
01:04:40,040 --> 01:04:42,160
rough, voyeur, public.

1263
01:04:42,240 --> 01:04:43,960
Suddenly, the sun's creeping in
and I'm raw.

1264
01:04:44,040 --> 01:04:45,840
Lease is up today,
still nothing from my sister.

1265
01:04:45,920 --> 01:04:47,800
-I leave the flat.
-[Boo] Hey, this is Boo.

1266
01:04:47,880 --> 01:04:50,040
I put the closing sign up
outside the cafe.

1267
01:04:54,000 --> 01:04:55,760
It's three minutes past eleven.

1268
01:04:57,200 --> 01:04:58,440
He's not here yet.

1269
01:05:02,120 --> 01:05:04,160
-Ten past, the door flies open.
-[door opens]

1270
01:05:04,240 --> 01:05:06,640
"All right, baba ganoush,
forgive me. I'm a little late,

1271
01:05:06,720 --> 01:05:10,360
but have I got a morning story
for you or what. Listen to this."

1272
01:05:10,440 --> 01:05:12,040
I tell him to shut up and close the door.

1273
01:05:13,400 --> 01:05:14,960
He looks confused, but he does it.

1274
01:05:21,880 --> 01:05:23,680
"Why do you come here, Joe?"

1275
01:05:27,320 --> 01:05:28,400
"What?"

1276
01:05:30,320 --> 01:05:32,600
I lock the door, close the blinds.

1277
01:05:34,600 --> 01:05:36,400
"Why do you come here, Joe?"

1278
01:05:38,600 --> 01:05:41,160
"Uh, tea, love.

1279
01:05:42,600 --> 01:05:43,880
See my ladies."

1280
01:05:46,360 --> 01:05:47,760
Hillary's not moving.

1281
01:05:49,480 --> 01:05:50,840
"It's okay, Joe.

1282
01:05:51,760 --> 01:05:53,040
I understand.

1283
01:05:54,200 --> 01:05:55,600
There's nothing wrong with you."

1284
01:05:57,960 --> 01:06:01,760
I take off my top, unhook my bra,
place them gently on the counter.

1285
01:06:03,800 --> 01:06:05,200
He stares at me.

1286
01:06:06,800 --> 01:06:08,040
I step forward,

1287
01:06:08,880 --> 01:06:10,360
showing him my young tits.

1288
01:06:12,280 --> 01:06:13,560
He shuffles a bit.

1289
01:06:14,760 --> 01:06:16,360
His breathing changes.

1290
01:06:18,280 --> 01:06:19,320
He's trembling.

1291
01:06:21,480 --> 01:06:23,160
He moves his hand up.

1292
01:06:25,480 --> 01:06:27,760
Nine o'clock that morning,
my sister's door.

1293
01:06:27,840 --> 01:06:29,200
Martin looking down at me.

1294
01:06:29,760 --> 01:06:30,920
"Hello, you."

1295
01:06:31,920 --> 01:06:33,000
"Is Clare here?"

1296
01:06:34,040 --> 01:06:35,040
"Aye."

1297
01:06:35,880 --> 01:06:38,360
I tried to get past him
into the house, but he won't let me.

1298
01:06:39,040 --> 01:06:40,760
Clare comes to the door.

1299
01:06:40,840 --> 01:06:42,320
She's crimped her fringe.

1300
01:06:44,680 --> 01:06:47,600
I deliver a beautifully
constructed joke about it.

1301
01:06:47,680 --> 01:06:49,120
But she snaps at me.

1302
01:06:49,200 --> 01:06:50,840
Tells me I've got to stop
talking to people

1303
01:06:50,920 --> 01:06:52,240
like I'm doing a stand-up routine.

1304
01:06:52,320 --> 01:06:54,040
That some things
just aren't fucking funny.

1305
01:06:56,360 --> 01:06:57,480
I laugh.

1306
01:06:59,840 --> 01:07:01,000
And then I don't laugh.

1307
01:07:02,640 --> 01:07:04,280
And then my throat goes dry.

1308
01:07:05,960 --> 01:07:07,720
No one says anything for a bit.

1309
01:07:10,320 --> 01:07:11,800
"You didn't transfer the money."

1310
01:07:14,640 --> 01:07:15,760
"No."

1311
01:07:18,440 --> 01:07:19,840
"You're not going to Finland."

1312
01:07:22,160 --> 01:07:23,160
"No."

1313
01:07:25,600 --> 01:07:27,040
"Why is he still here?"

1314
01:07:29,520 --> 01:07:31,040
"He didn't touch you."

1315
01:07:32,120 --> 01:07:33,840
[scoffs]
"He tried!"

1316
01:07:36,920 --> 01:07:38,840
"He said it was more like
the other way around."

1317
01:07:41,440 --> 01:07:42,640
"What?

1318
01:07:43,880 --> 01:07:45,320
But that's just not true."

1319
01:07:46,640 --> 01:07:48,160
"How can I believe you?"

1320
01:07:49,560 --> 01:07:51,320
"What? Uh... How...

1321
01:07:51,400 --> 01:07:52,720
Well, because I'm your..."

1322
01:07:52,800 --> 01:07:54,760
"After what you did to Boo."

1323
01:08:05,960 --> 01:08:07,400
"That wasn't my fault.

1324
01:08:11,600 --> 01:08:12,960
He wanted me.

1325
01:08:15,720 --> 01:08:17,000
He wanted me.

1326
01:08:19,560 --> 01:08:20,640
So..."

1327
01:08:25,400 --> 01:08:26,640
It's 11:15 now.

1328
01:08:27,840 --> 01:08:28,840
Joe's shaking.

1329
01:08:30,520 --> 01:08:32,440
I'm standing topless,
just the right angle.

1330
01:08:33,760 --> 01:08:35,520
His hand keeps rising...

1331
01:08:36,440 --> 01:08:37,880
till it rests on his eyes.

1332
01:08:37,960 --> 01:08:39,560
"Ooh! Uh...

1333
01:08:43,640 --> 01:08:45,600
Put your clothes back on, darlin'."

1334
01:08:48,480 --> 01:08:49,720
"What?"

1335
01:08:51,440 --> 01:08:53,160
"Put your clothes back on."

1336
01:08:55,960 --> 01:08:57,080
"It's okay, Joe.

1337
01:08:58,960 --> 01:09:00,360
I'm not gonna judge you."

1338
01:09:02,720 --> 01:09:03,800
"Yeah, uh...

1339
01:09:04,880 --> 01:09:06,960
I come here for my tea, darlin'.

1340
01:09:09,280 --> 01:09:10,600
And to see you.

1341
01:09:12,640 --> 01:09:15,640
That was a sad thing
that happened to your friend."

1342
01:09:22,960 --> 01:09:24,080
"You're weak."

1343
01:09:26,560 --> 01:09:28,440
"Yeah, that maybe true, but, uh...

1344
01:09:30,200 --> 01:09:31,600
I'm gonna go now."

1345
01:09:33,000 --> 01:09:34,440
"Oh, come on, Joe, stay.

1346
01:09:34,960 --> 01:09:36,080
Please.

1347
01:09:38,120 --> 01:09:39,720
I'm nearly half your age."

1348
01:09:42,800 --> 01:09:43,880
He stops.

1349
01:09:45,360 --> 01:09:48,560
He brings his hand down from his eyes
and he finally looks at me.

1350
01:09:53,960 --> 01:09:55,560
"Go home, darlin'.

1351
01:09:57,600 --> 01:09:59,920
I'm sorry, but...

1352
01:10:01,040 --> 01:10:02,520
this ain't my bag."

1353
01:10:05,440 --> 01:10:07,680
I grab his arm as he walks past me.

1354
01:10:08,240 --> 01:10:11,520
He's thin but baggy. His skin pinches
in my grasp. It's disgusting.

1355
01:10:11,600 --> 01:10:12,800
-[door closes]
-[bell rings]

1356
01:10:14,560 --> 01:10:16,120
I sit on Joe's chair for a bit.

1357
01:10:17,320 --> 01:10:18,960
There's something not right
about that man.

1358
01:10:19,040 --> 01:10:21,400
[Hillary chattering]

1359
01:10:21,800 --> 01:10:25,160
Hillary's teeth are going again,
crashing against each other.

1360
01:10:25,240 --> 01:10:28,240
The noise is unbearable.
It's relentless, relentless chattering.

1361
01:10:28,320 --> 01:10:30,840
They do that when they're in pain
or distressed, or...

1362
01:10:32,080 --> 01:10:33,240
I can't listen to it.

1363
01:10:34,600 --> 01:10:35,800
I take her out of her hutch.

1364
01:10:37,400 --> 01:10:39,680
I hold her little body to my naked chest.

1365
01:10:41,720 --> 01:10:43,240
I can feel her claws.

1366
01:10:43,320 --> 01:10:44,960
[claws scratching]

1367
01:10:45,040 --> 01:10:46,480
Her bones feel bent

1368
01:10:46,560 --> 01:10:49,040
and her breathing is shallow,
but her teeth are going like...

1369
01:10:49,120 --> 01:10:51,160
[Hillary chattering]

1370
01:10:51,240 --> 01:10:52,320
I can't...

1371
01:10:54,400 --> 01:10:56,560
I look into her face
through her little punky bit.

1372
01:11:00,040 --> 01:11:02,680
I imagine sticking my finger in
to make her eyes pop out.

1373
01:11:05,040 --> 01:11:07,200
No, I imagine that. I imagine doing that.

1374
01:11:09,960 --> 01:11:11,840
And as my hand moves down her body, I...

1375
01:11:14,760 --> 01:11:15,800
I...

1376
01:11:19,280 --> 01:11:21,080
When I first gave her to Boo,

1377
01:11:21,680 --> 01:11:23,360
she was so tiny,

1378
01:11:23,440 --> 01:11:26,120
I put her in this little gift box
from a crappy card shop.

1379
01:11:26,200 --> 01:11:27,640
She just sat on this bit of cotton wool,

1380
01:11:27,720 --> 01:11:29,400
looking out through her tiny punky bit.

1381
01:11:29,480 --> 01:11:31,000
She was ridiculous.

1382
01:11:31,080 --> 01:11:33,080
This overexcited little fuzzball.

1383
01:11:33,160 --> 01:11:35,280
She just sit in your hand like...
[imitates poofing sound]

1384
01:11:37,400 --> 01:11:38,800
Boo's face.

1385
01:11:41,040 --> 01:11:43,560
Boo's face when she opened that box.

1386
01:11:43,880 --> 01:11:46,840
A huge grin spread over her whole body.

1387
01:11:47,400 --> 01:11:48,560
"Is this a...

1388
01:11:48,640 --> 01:11:49,800
Is this... Did you...

1389
01:11:49,880 --> 01:11:51,200
Is this a guinea pig? What?

1390
01:11:51,280 --> 01:11:52,400
Did you get... What is this?"

1391
01:11:54,080 --> 01:11:55,480
"I don't know.

1392
01:11:57,320 --> 01:11:58,720
Something to love?"

1393
01:12:02,280 --> 01:12:03,440
I'm crying.

1394
01:12:06,040 --> 01:12:07,480
My fingers are gripping her.

1395
01:12:09,640 --> 01:12:10,760
But I can't...

1396
01:12:13,400 --> 01:12:15,280
I can feel how scared she is.

1397
01:12:17,440 --> 01:12:18,960
How much pain she's in.

1398
01:12:20,600 --> 01:12:21,880
But I can't...

1399
01:12:24,720 --> 01:12:26,320
I hold her to me tightly.

1400
01:12:28,400 --> 01:12:30,160
I hold her to me tighter.

1401
01:12:32,360 --> 01:12:35,520
I hold her to me tighter
until I feel her bones crack against me

1402
01:12:35,600 --> 01:12:37,000
-and the chattering stop.
-[bones crack]

1403
01:12:44,640 --> 01:12:46,080
Everything is quiet.

1404
01:12:49,880 --> 01:12:51,040
And she is safe.

1405
01:12:59,040 --> 01:13:00,320
[man 1] Okay, please leave.

1406
01:13:02,520 --> 01:13:03,640
What? But...

1407
01:13:04,320 --> 01:13:06,760
-But you don't understand. I need this...
-[man 1] Please just leave.

1408
01:13:14,200 --> 01:13:15,200
-Perv.
-[man 1] Slut.

1409
01:13:15,280 --> 01:13:16,360
Wow!

1410
01:13:16,840 --> 01:13:19,320
-[man 1] Please leave.
-You... please leave.

1411
01:13:20,320 --> 01:13:21,680
It's my office.

1412
01:13:22,280 --> 01:13:23,280
Yeah?

1413
01:13:25,120 --> 01:13:26,560
[man 1] Okay.

1414
01:13:26,640 --> 01:13:29,480
[footsteps trudging]

1415
01:13:29,560 --> 01:13:30,640
Wait!

1416
01:13:33,880 --> 01:13:34,920
[sighs]

1417
01:13:39,200 --> 01:13:40,640
What made you laugh?

1418
01:13:43,320 --> 01:13:44,360
[man 1] What?

1419
01:13:45,240 --> 01:13:46,600
On my CV.

1420
01:13:47,400 --> 01:13:48,640
You said it was funny.

1421
01:13:48,720 --> 01:13:51,240
[man 1] Um, you owned
the only cafe for guinea pigs.

1422
01:13:54,280 --> 01:13:56,280
Right, okay, that's not strictly...
Right, okay.

1423
01:13:56,360 --> 01:13:57,520
[audience laughs]

1424
01:13:57,600 --> 01:13:58,680
Yeah, but that made you laugh?

1425
01:13:58,760 --> 01:14:00,600
[man 1] Yes, I suppose.
I never thought guinea pig...

1426
01:14:00,680 --> 01:14:02,120
-It was guinea pig-themed cafe.
-[man 1] Oh, right.

1427
01:14:02,200 --> 01:14:03,560
-Yeah. Yeah.
-[man 1] That makes sense.

1428
01:14:10,000 --> 01:14:12,600
What if I wrote that I fucked
that cafe into liquidation?

1429
01:14:14,040 --> 01:14:15,360
That I fucked up my family?

1430
01:14:16,080 --> 01:14:17,720
That I fucked my friend
by fucking her boyfriend?

1431
01:14:17,800 --> 01:14:19,280
That I don't feel alive
unless I'm being fucked.

1432
01:14:19,360 --> 01:14:20,760
I don't feel in control unless I'm fucking

1433
01:14:20,840 --> 01:14:22,760
'cause fucking makes the world
tighten around me.

1434
01:14:22,840 --> 01:14:24,160
And I've been watching people fuck

1435
01:14:24,240 --> 01:14:25,680
for as long as I've been able
to search for it.

1436
01:14:25,760 --> 01:14:27,880
And I know that my body, as it is now,

1437
01:14:27,960 --> 01:14:29,440
really is the only thing that I have.

1438
01:14:29,520 --> 01:14:32,320
And when that gets old and unfuckable,
I may as well just kill it.

1439
01:14:32,960 --> 01:14:36,200
And then, sometimes, I wish that
I didn't even know that fucking existed

1440
01:14:36,280 --> 01:14:38,040
'cause, somehow,
there isn't anything worse

1441
01:14:38,120 --> 01:14:39,800
than someone who doesn't wanna fuck me.

1442
01:14:40,160 --> 01:14:41,720
That I fucked everything.

1443
01:14:41,800 --> 01:14:44,760
But this time, this time,
I really wasn't... I genuinely...

1444
01:14:51,200 --> 01:14:53,360
Either everyone feels
like this a little bit...

1445
01:14:55,720 --> 01:14:57,600
and they're just not talking about it.

1446
01:15:00,360 --> 01:15:02,520
Or I am completely fucking alone.

1447
01:15:05,160 --> 01:15:06,720
Which isn't fucking funny.

1448
01:15:12,240 --> 01:15:13,800
[man 1] That really wasn't appropriate.

1449
01:15:18,880 --> 01:15:19,920
Right, yeah.

1450
01:15:22,600 --> 01:15:23,600
Sorry.

1451
01:15:25,040 --> 01:15:27,400
[man 1] Look.
[exhales]

1452
01:15:29,840 --> 01:15:34,960
[man 1] Three months ago, I touched
a colleague's breast at a party.

1453
01:15:35,840 --> 01:15:37,280
Not for the first time.

1454
01:15:38,160 --> 01:15:40,800
It's really the reputation of the business

1455
01:15:40,880 --> 01:15:43,120
I've been doing my whole life

1456
01:15:43,200 --> 01:15:45,800
and has completely alienated me
from my family.

1457
01:15:48,320 --> 01:15:49,480
Why did you do it?

1458
01:15:50,240 --> 01:15:51,760
[man 1] It was a terrible...

1459
01:15:52,320 --> 01:15:53,760
mistake.

1460
01:15:56,400 --> 01:15:58,880
-People make mistakes.
-[man 1] Yes, they do.

1461
01:16:02,080 --> 01:16:04,200
That's why they put rubbers
on the ends of pencils.

1462
01:16:05,120 --> 01:16:07,680
[man 1 chuckles]
Is that a joke?

1463
01:16:13,320 --> 01:16:14,520
I don't know.

1464
01:16:21,240 --> 01:16:23,400
[man 1] Shall we start
this interview again?

1465
01:16:27,600 --> 01:16:28,800
Okay.

1466
01:16:35,120 --> 01:16:36,200
[paper rustles]

1467
01:16:41,040 --> 01:16:44,120
[man 1] Thanks for coming in.
Really appreciate you sending in your CV.

1468
01:16:45,520 --> 01:16:46,640
No problem.

1469
01:16:46,720 --> 01:16:48,560
-[man 1] It was funny.
-[laughs]

1470
01:16:48,640 --> 01:16:49,840
Fuck you!

1471
01:16:49,920 --> 01:16:51,000
[audience laughs]

1472
01:16:51,080 --> 01:16:53,600
[audience cheers]

1473
01:16:53,680 --> 01:16:57,120
[audience claps]

1474
01:16:57,200 --> 01:17:00,080
[light jazz music playing]

1475
01:17:15,240 --> 01:17:17,760
[audience whistling]

1476
01:17:21,560 --> 01:17:23,000
[audience cheers]

1477
01:17:23,080 --> 01:17:24,440
Thank you!

1478
01:17:36,520 --> 01:17:37,720
[Phoebe laughs]

1479
01:17:40,160 --> 01:17:41,400
[mouths]
Thanks.

1480
01:17:44,920 --> 01:17:46,000
Thank you!