[upbeat pop music playing]
Okay, Lola, now that you're officially
a Tampa resident,
there are a few things you need to know about living in Florida.
[paper tearing]
Pro:
- You can wear flip-flops all year. - [audience laughs]
Con: Many things will bite your feet.
Fire ants, mosquitoes, that homeschooled kid down the block.
Basically, the ground is alive and it hates you.
- [audience laughs] - [Big Show] Okay, next.
- [paper tearing] - The beach!
Pro: It's so pretty.
Con: The undertow might actually take one of your toes.
- [audience laughs] - [Cassy] Next, humidity.
[paper tearing]
Oh, sorry. I had humidity, but I couldn't sleep.
JJ kept me up all night with her bubble machine.
- [audience laughs] - [whoosh]
- [gentle lullaby playing] - [machine whirring]
[audience laughs]
I need my bubble buddy to sleep.
But you point it right at my face.
Well, if I point it at my face then I won't be able to sleep.
[Cassy] Okay,
I've got to get to work, and you kids have to get to school.
And that includes Dad, who's going to my Career Day today.
- [both upbeat] What, what! - [audience laughs]
Let's just do the speed round, Mom.
- Hit her with the cons. - Okay.
Tallahassee, tourists, any election day,
every Florida band except Tom Petty,
and for sure, old people driving rascals.
When you are on a sidewalk, keep your head on a swivel.
- [audience laughs] - Wow.
So Florida's basically just a giant humid Arby's.
[audience laughs]
Well, there is one more giant pro.
[Big Show] That's the fact that we're all here,
and now you are, too.
Aw.
- [audience coos] - Okay,
tomorrow we will spend a full day on sinkholes.
[audience laughs]
[bells ding]
[upbeat pop opening credits]
- [music fades] - Thank you, Dr. Kim. Wow,
we've had two heart surgeons
- and a judge! - [audience laughs]
And now we have JJ's dad, who's a wrestler.
I got this, Miss Regie.
Aidan, lights.
- [light clicks off] - Strobes.
Ladies and gentlemen,
parents,
and Caleb's newest stepdad.
Still just the boyfriend. Fingers crossed though.
[audience laughs]
Please welcome my dad!
- [cheering and applauding] - [Big Show roars]
[continued cheering]
[gruff yelling] Yeah, that's what we're talking about!
Hello!
[yelling enthusiastically]
Whoo! All right!
[continued applauding]
[cheering fading]
- That's how you make an entrance, Dr. Kim. - [audience laughs]
I'm JJ's dad.
I'm the Big Show.
[enthusiastically, then fading] Hi, Mr. Big Show.
[audience laughs]
Any questions for Mr. Show?
How big is your poop?
- [audience laughs] - Any career questions for Mr. Show?
When's your next match?
Uh, actually, I'm retired. I don't wrestle anymore.
So, if you're retired, what do you do?
That's a good question. I, um...
- [audience laughs] - My grandma's retired.
She just watches reruns of The Golden Girls.
[audience laughs]
My grandpa retired, but then he died.
My dad said he died of not having a purpose.
Do you have a purpose?
- I think. Um... - [audience laughs]
Kids, this is a good lesson
for career day.
Sometimes when people retire,
they take a while to figure out what they want to do
with the rest of the short time they have left.
What?
[audience laughs]
Yes, Cooper.
I have a follow-up on my poop question. It's a two-parter.
[audience laughs]
[upbeat pop music playing]
♪ He's got a ham sandwich in his hands ♪
♪ He's got a Swiss ham sandwich In his hands ♪
♪ He's got some grease From the bacon on his pants ♪
[audience laughs]
♪ 'Cause he's got a dad sandwich ♪
♪ In his hands ♪
[audience laughs and applauds]
[Big Show whistling]
- [screams] - [Mandy] Dad!
- [plate rattles] - Why are you sleeping on the couch?
Because I can't sleep in my room.
JJ is binging The Walking Dead
- without headphones. - [audience laughs]
What? She's not supposed to watch anything that's going to prepare her
for taking over the world.
I can't live like this!
We'll punish JJ in the morning.
Right now, I need you to help me pick up my dad sandwich.
- [audience laughs] - Should be 22 pieces.
[audience laughs]
[upbeat pop music plays]
- [music fades] - [Cassy sighs]
Hello, Jennifer Jane.
Oh, no.
- [audience laughs] - Oh, yes.
Heard you've been enjoying some late night screen time,
and I found the notebook
where you've been practicing my signature.
[audience laughs]
Looks like it's time for a visit from...
- [strained] The Punisher! - The Punisher?
That's right.
The Punisher.
[audience laughs]
Let's see. No play dates for a week,
a written report
on the importance of sleep,
and I'm confiscating your bubble machine.
- God, I hate The Punisher, - [Cassy chuckles]
but I also want to be her.
[audience laughs]
Thanks, Mom, but JJ is relentless.
I have to get a hotel room.
Dad, I'm going to need all your three million Marriott points.
Yeah, that's not happening.
- [audience laughs] - [Lola] Ugh!
Mandy, I've got a crazy idea.
Do you want to move in with me?
I've never shared a room before. Could be fun.
Could be fun? Will be fun!
Living with my older sister is the dream!
My dream is to sail around the world or, like, photobomb Shawn Mendes.
[audience laughs]
But I'm really excited about this, too! What's up, new roommate?
- [Mandy squeals] - Oh! Okay,
this is happening.
Not a hugger.
Just not for me, like camping or men's soccer.
[audience laughs]
[upbeat pop music playing]
- [music fades] - Hey!
Show Business... [taps bottles] in the house!
My man, Terry.
I broke another doorknob, man.
- [audience laughs] - Mm. It's cool. I'd be embarrassed
to own a gym where the members weren't strong enough to tear it down.
[audience laughs]
[doorknob rattles]
Can I talk to you about something?
- Anything. Except about toenails. - [audience laughs]
I don't like 'em.
They're like little turtle shells for your feet.
- [audience laughs] - No, it's not about that.
How could it be about that?
Look, man, it's been a minute since I retired from wrestling,
and I feel like I need to find what's next.
[chuckles] Dude, you a celebrity.
You should just endorse stuff.
And lucky for you, I got the perfect thing.
Check this out.
[thuds machine] This is a state-of-the-art juicer
that runs on artificial intelligence.
Show, meet blender.
[robotic female voice] Hello, Terry, the sexiest man alive.
I didn't teach her that. That's just the intelligence talking.
[audience laughs]
Blender, make me a smoothie with, uh, strawberry, banana, and acai.
That's a superfood, bro.
- [audience laughs] - [machine whirring]
- [clanking] - Nice...
That's all good. That's normal.
- [clanking] - [juicer] Strawberry.
- Banana. - [audience laughs]
Acai. Acai. Acai.
Thank you, acai.
I like acai.
- [spray hisses] - Acai.
- [continued laughing] - Acai.
- [Terry whooping] - Acai.
Acai.
[juice dripping]
- [Terry clears throat] - [audience laughs]
[Terry exhales] Whoo!
You know, I just talked to Ronny Cuban.
[audience laughs]
That's, uh... That's Mark Cuban's brother,
and he's in for, uh, 50... bucks.
- [audience laughs] - [Terry exhales]
What are you in for?
No, I'm out.
I'm very, very out.
[audience laughs]
Come on, Terry. For real, I need your help.
You know, man.
Retired wrestlers are doing all kinda cool stuff these days.
There's wine, there's yoga.
You could always make movies like the Rock.
No, I tried the whole movie thing.
I wasn't getting put up for the right roles.
- [whoosh] - [British accent] Hello, I'm Elton John.
- [audience laughs] - [director] That was great. Thank you.
- [usual voice] Hey, can I keep the hat? - [audience laughs]
Ooh! I got the perfect idea.
You know how the Undertaker and his wife, they do real estate?
- Mm-hmm. - You should do that with Cassy, man.
She's already in the biz.
Yeah, but what do I know about real estate?
[chuckles] That's the beauty of it. You don't know anything!
Cassy's always saying we need to spend more time together, you know.
Maybe this'd get me out of
- going to the farmers' market. - Oh...
Don't bad-mouth the farmers' market.
That's the only place I can buy some decent stone fruit.
[audience laughs]
- [upbeat music plays, fades] - [Cassy] Whoo!
- That was a good farmers' market "sesh." - [audience laughs]
Yeah, but do we really need
five pounds of pluots?
I mean, what are pluots, anyway?
Ah, it's a cross between an apricot and a plum.
It's like the labradoodle of fruit,
- [audience laughs] - which is almost as cute
as how much you loved
the face paint guy.
- [audience laughs] - Okay. Weeo is an artist, okay?
[Cassy laughs]
You know I've been thinking about what I'm gonna do next, right?
Sure don't, but catch me up.
Well, Terry had this great idea.
Terry?
The same guy who locked himself in his Jetta over a holiday weekend.
- [audience laughs] - I forgot about that.
- [audience laughs] - But listen,
what if I become a real estate agent?
Then you and I can work together, and that'd be fun, right?
[high-pitched] So much fun.
- [audience laughs] - You know, when your voice gets higher,
that usually means you don't like something.
[high-pitched] That's not true.
[audience laughs]
Babe, I'm just saying I'm looking for my second act,
and this could be something I'm really good at.
Okay, well, uh, you know, sometimes we have interns at the office.
Maybe you could intern and see if you like that.
Yeah! I could be an intern.
Like Robert De Niro in that movie.
[audience laughs]
Because anything Rob De Niro can do,
I can do.
- [higher-pitched] Mm-hmm! - [audience laughs]
[mellow pop music plays, then fades]
[Lola] Hey, roomie.
I thought we could do each other's nails.
I have Pinky Brewster, Katy Periwinkle or Blue Yonce.
- [audience laughs] - Ooh! I'd love that.
Give me Pinky for my fingers, and Katy for my toes.
[audience laughs]
Wow, you have so much stuff.
- It's like, everywhere. - [audience laughs]
We'll make it work.
Of course we will.
This is the best!
Are those dolls?
They're legendary female bobbleheads.
I have RBG,
Rosa Parks,
- Ellen DeGeneres... - [audience laughs]
Why do they only shake their heads "yes"?
Because women...
- are very supportive of each other. - [audience laughs]
Is this a half-eaten burrito?
I like to think of it as half an uneaten burrito,
- [audience laughs] - but I'm an optimist.
[audience laughs]
[stammers] You're going to bed?
It's like 7:30.
Yeah. If I don't get my 13 hours of sleep, I'm a total mess.
- Really? You? - [audience laughs]
- [clicks button] - [machine whirs]
[gentle lullaby plays]
I thought you hated JJ's bubble machine.
I went from hating it to being fully dependent on it.
- Weird, right? Good night. - [audience laughs]
[clicks off light]
[upbeat pop music plays]
[music fades]
- [screaming] Ew! - [audience laughs]
Sorry.
The Wi-Fi is awful on my side of the room.
I didn't want to wake you, but I also wanted
to scroll through We Rate Dogs,
so you see my dilemma.
- [audience laughs] - No, I absolutely do not.
Oh! It's 7:45.
- Gotta get to school. - What?
7:45?
Why didn't my alarm go off?
Oh... Sorry, I unplugged it to use my flatiron.
You can use it because this whole hair thing...
is a bold choice.
[audience laughs]
See you downstairs.
- [Lola sighs] - [sheets rustle]
[squishing]
Ew!
- How many burritos are in this room? - [audience laughs]
[upbeat pop music playing]
- [pop fades] - [man] Sorry I'm late.
I wanted to get Miss Puffin's lemon poppy muffins for the open house.
Your fave! [chuckles]
Wait, isn't Miss Puffins in Orlando?
Yeah, I went there last night and slept in my car.
- [audience laughs] - Anything for you, Cass-a-frass.
Okay, Bennett, we talked about how that name is too Jamba Juicy.
- We did, and I'm sorry. - Okay.
- Cassy-o-keyboard? - Mm-mm.
- We'll find it. - Yeah.
[audience laughs]
Hey, you know, if anyone can sell this haunted house, it's you.
[scoffs] Okay, this house is not haunted.
It's just that the previous tenant died here,
- and her spirit refuses to leave. - [audience laughs]
Which is the literal definition of a haunted house.
You're still my queen though.
Okay. [chuckles] Hey,
my husband is going to be helping us out today.
He's thinking of becoming a real estate agent.
Perfect! And I'm thinking of becoming
- a professional wrestler! - [audience laughs]
- JK, [stammers] I'd die quickly. - Yeah.
- [audience laughs] - [sing-songy] Ding-dong!
Had to say ding-dong 'cause I broke the doorbell.
- [audience laughs] - Hey, babe.
You remember Bennett, right? His dad owns our company.
Of course! [bellowing] Big Ben!
It's Bennett.
Hard "T".
[audience laughs]
- Okay. This is gonna be fun. [hums] - [audience laughs]
[upbeat music plays]
You gotta see the light.
- [curtain hooks rattle] - [rod crashes and rattles]
And you know, when it's your place, you can pick any new curtains you want.
[audience laughs]
How about these closets?
Ow! My bones!
[audience laughs]
[crashing]
- [audience laughs] - Oh, no!
Show?
[banister rattling]
[sputters] Sorry. I mean, that thing came apart so easy.
I mean, I don't think it's up to code.
- [audience laughs] - Okay. Okay, uh... [laughs]
Babe, I've got a new job for you.
Okay.
Muffins.
[audience laughs]
[deadpan] Muffins.
- [audience laughs] - Hey, you're the Big Show!
You're doing real estate now?
Sort of. Mainly focused on the muffin side of it.
Dude, I would love to buy a house from a celebrity.
I once bought an unlocked phone from Fifty Cent.
[audience laughs]
So, what can you tell me about this place?
This place?
Oh, this place is great!
I mean, the last owner loved this place so much, she didn't even want to leave.
She actually died here.
No, no, no, no, no!
But don't worry, I know what you're thinking.
"Is this place haunted?"
And the answer is...
maybe?
- [audience laughs] - Hi, hello. I can take over from here.
You know what? No, thanks.
I think I'm just gonna go.
No, man, you haven't even seen upstairs.
- [light shatters] - [Cassy screams] No!
[audience laughs]
Muffin?
[upbeat pop music playing]
- [music fades] - Hey, roomie.
Love the no makeup look.
- [slams locker] - [audience laughs]
Well, I was late 'cause my alarm didn't go off,
I'm wearing glasses 'cause I couldn't find my contacts
under all of your tubes of organic toothpaste, and...
Oh my God, are you wearing my new bomber jacket?
Yeah, I got it
from our closet.
- [audience laughs] - [scoffs] I just bought it.
It's so new it literally still has the tags on it.
Not anymore, I took them off.
- BTW, - [audience laughs]
you can totally borrow any of my clothes.
I don't want to borrow your clothes.
I want to wear the clothes I bought for myself.
Okay, calm down. I'll give it back later today.
- No, I'd like it back now. - That's crazy.
- Give it back. - No.
Mandy, let go!
[Mandy] No, you let go!
Just straighten your elbows!
[man grunts] Oh!
Ah, my nose! [groans] It just got better
after your dad broke it. [sniffs]
[audience laughs]
[hysterical] What is wrong with your family?
- [audience laughs] - [man screams in pain]
[man moans]
[upbeat pop music playing]
[music fades]
Okay, that car ride was way too quiet.
What happened?
Wait, I love a good sister fight.
Let me get my popcorn.
- [audience laughs] - [bag rustles]
Where'd you get that?
Teachers' lounge.
- [audience laughs] - We're gonna revisit that.
Okay, you two. Talk.
[both arguing over each other]
[audience laughs]
Ooh, I think I just blacked out for a second.
If she were a good big sister,
she'd let me wear the jacket that I clearly look better in.
I don't think you understand what "clearly" means.
- [audience laughs] - Okay, stop.
Emotions are high.
Right now we need to focus on punishment 'cause that's what's most important.
[audience laughs]
Fine, wait till Mom gets home.
Yeah, we'll wait till Cass gets home.
Hold on!
Wait a minute,
I'm also a parent.
I'll punish you.
- [Mandy] So sweet. - [Lola] Aw, Dad!
- [JJ] Adorable! - [audience laughs]
Hey, I can do this.
I'm not just some ex-wrestler who doesn't have a purpose.
Yikes, the kids in my class really got to you, huh?
Yeah, especially that Kelli with an "I."
[audience laughs]
Okay,
here we go.
- Punishment time. - [audience laughs]
Hi, babe. You know, pluots are good.
I think I'm a pluot guy.
- [audience laughs] - So,
what'd the insurance company say about the house?
Is it gonna cost a lot?
Ah... Not sure.
Most of the call was trying to convince them
that the damage was done by one man and not an entire fraternity.
- [Big Show sighs] - [audience laughs]
I'm sorry. I guess my first day at real estate wasn't the best.
[clicks tongue] Aw. It's okay.
I guess everybody breaks something on their first day of work.
That's true.
My first day of wrestling, I broke Macho Man's shin.
[audience laughs]
But I promise I'll do better tomorrow.
Oh, you know, actually, I am not showing the house tomorrow.
I'm just gonna be in the office all day,
but we are having an open house on Monday.
Great! I'm gonna crush Monday just like I crush a tray of deviled eggs.
- Quickly and without prejudice. - [audience laughs]
Oh! Hey, I got your text about the girls.
Time for The Punisher.
[chuckles] No need. Mr. The Punisher took care of it.
[audience laughs]
So, your punishment was giving them their iPads?
Yeah, and I split 'em up.
- Look how quiet they are. - [audience laughs]
You know just making them be quiet
isn't really a punishment.
But if they're not quiet, it's punishment for me.
[audience laughs]
Besides, look, they're not fighting anymore.
Really?
"Mandy, you're being a giant jerk face."
"Lola, you're being a selfish dragon emoji."
- [audience laughs] - Babe, still fighting.
Babe, I've been in over 3,000 hardcore matches.
One of 'em with a live bear.
[audience laughs]
Trust me, that ain't fighting.
- [audience laughs] - [rustling]
[frantically] My clothes!
[Mandy, upstairs] Just getting your precious clothes
as far away from me as possible.
I know how much you hate sharing.
Ugh! When I get up there,
I'm gonna throw away all your women's tennis trading cards,
starting with Serena.
[audience laughs]
- [thudding footsteps] - Now they're fighting.
[audience laughs]
Okay, here's what's gonna happen.
You are going to stay in this room
with no Wi-Fi and no phones...
- [Mandy scoffs] - until I tell you you can come out.
Mom! That's a harsh punishment.
Oh, that's just level one.
Your real punishment is gonna be like at a level ten.
So you'd better get ready for it.
[audience laughs]
[Big Show] Ooh...
- That was terrifying. - [audience laughs]
What's level ten?
[laughs] There is no level ten, you big beautiful bounce house of a man.
They are going to be so terrified about what's coming
that they'll talk out their problems and it'll resolve itself, like that.
You know, turning off the Wi-Fi...
- [scoffs] such a baller parenting move. - [giggles]
[audience laughs]
What happened to the Wi-Fi?
I was hacking into...
my paper about the importance of sleep.
- It's all about the REM cycle, guys. - [audience laughs]
[continued laughing]
[upbeat pop music plays]
- [music fades] - [door closes]
Mom's at the office,
so I want to surprise her
by fixing everything that I broke before the next open house.
[toolbox bangs on floor]
- What is that? - Garlic and sage.
Why do you have garlic and sage?
To fix the real problem in this house: ghosts, duh.
I thought garlic was for vampires.
You dunno what kinda friends she's got.
- Why'd I ask? - [audience laughs]
Look, I'm gonna start on the bannister.
I'll start in the kitchen.
[thudding upstairs]
[suspenseful music plays]
- [audience laughs] - [floorboards creak]
[pants] Yeah, I'm out.
- [audience laughs] - Okay, okay. It's nothing.
- We're good. It's nothing. - [door creaks]
Told you there's ghosts!
Dad, save me! They always want the cuter one!
[audience laughs]
I'm not saying there's ghosts.
[loud boom]
[fearfully] I'm just saying we should hide in the closet!
[audience laughs]
[yelling] Dad, I don't want to die in a closet!
I want to die punching a shark!
[voice cracking] We'll be fine!
Are you asking me or telling me?
- [door creaks open] - [Big Show and JJ scream]
Cassy, I thought you were in the office.
[stammering] I was,
and...
now I'm here! [chuckles]
And the explanation for that is...
You lied to me.
- [audience laughs] - [Cassy sighs]
Why do I smell burnt garlic with a hint of sage?
Is someone making a basic risotto?
- [audience laughs] - [smoke alarm beeps]
JJ...
did you use the oven without permission?
Maybe.
But the big headline
is Mom lied to you.
- [audience laughs] - Mom!
[mellow music playing]
[music fades]
[laughing on TV]
Whatcha watching?
The Golden Girls.
They're my people now.
[audience laughs]
Old, retired, making my own jewelry.
[audience laughs]
Is it good?
Yeah, it's a Blanche episode.
[audience laughs]
JJ, can I talk to your dad for a second?
Well, the Wi-Fi's still out,
so I guess I'll just go
use my imagination or some dumb crap like that.
- [audience laughs] - Okay, I lied to you, and I am so sorry.
I should have talked to you directly.
Our relationship is built on honesty, and I betrayed that.
I mean, I understand.
I was kind of a disaster as a real estate agent.
- Yes, you were. - Well, that was a quick yes.
- [audience laughs] - [both laugh]
It's just that, you know, maybe real estate is my thing,
and we should focus on what's coming next for you.
That's what I want, too. I'm just...
I'm just worried, you know.
What if I don't find what that next thing is?
What? [laughs] Honey,
you are the Big Show.
You invented this entire life
for yourself,
and you will do that again.
And this little lady here
is very excited to see what that's gonna be.
Well, this man right here is very lucky he married you.
[Cassy] Mm.
Guys, I tried my imagination,
and you do not want to go down that road.
[audience laughs]
- We need to end this. - Yeah, you know,
I can't believe the girls haven't broken yet.
This was one of my best head games.
You know, maybe the answer isn't head games.
Maybe we ought to come straight at this and get them to talk.
[knocking at door]
[door opens]
You two just been sitting in silence staring at the walls?
We are teenagers in 2020.
If we don't have internet, we have nothing.
- [audience laughs] - What is wrong with this generation?
- [audience laughs] - [Big Show] Ah!
Okay, here's the deal.
I want each of you to tell the other what you're feeling.
Be honest and direct.
- I'm fine. - Whatever.
[audience laughs]
Okay.
All right. I'm gonna stay here till we figure this out.
I'm gonna get comfortable.
I'm gonna take off my shoes,
and then I'm gonna take off my socks.
- [gasps] That smell haunts me! - No!
[audience laughs]
Okay.
I'm sorry for blowing up.
I'm new to all of this.
I've never had to share my things, or my space.
I'm sorry for wearing your new jacket.
Your stuff is cool.
You're cool.
I just wanted to be like my big sister,
and if I'm crowding you,
I'll move into the tiny Harry Potter closet under the stairs.
- [audience laughs] - No! I still want to share a room.
We just have to figure out how to do it.
I don't know. Maybe we need some rules?
Oh my God, yes. I love rules!
Ooh! I got it! I got it! I got it!
This room needs a contract.
Ladies, if there's one thing that the WWE taught me,
always pee before your match...
[audience laughs]
and how to do a contract signing.
- I can do this! - [audience laughs]
[rock music plays]
Lady and Dad,
please welcome
two girls who both think they're my favorite sister,
- [audience laughs] - Mandy and Lola.
Whoo!
[rock music fades]
I still think, to make this contract signing official,
one of y'all needs to get powerbombed through the table,
- [audience laughs] - but I got overruled.
Okay, Mandy, you can borrow the clothes from my top drawer or bottom drawer,
but never the middle.
- [pen scratches] - Lola,
I'll keep food on my side of the room,
and I'll never assume you want a hug, unless you give me the signal.
Don't wait for it.
- [tentatively] Okay. - [audience laughs]
You really want a hug,
- don't you? - I really do.
- [audience laughs] - Okay.
Five seconds.
- [Cassy laughs] - [Big Show] Aw...
See?
You're The Punisher,
but I'm...
- The Peacemaker. - [audience laughs]
Okay, um... [laughs] let's just make you a new one.
I don't want you stretching this one out.
I got it off Etsy,
and it took like 13 weeks to get here from the Ukraine.
- [audience laughs] - This has been really sweet.
Good stuff, guys.
Now please, for the love of God, [through mic] turn the Wi-Fi back on.
[audience laughs]
[upbeat pop ending credits playing]
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