[snoring]
[clattering]
[clicking] - John. John.
[groaning]
John, there's something outside the house. Do you hear that?
- Mm, that's probably just a raccoon.
Or Gerald.
- Gerald?! That's the scariest thing I can imagine!
Okay. Well, we can't just lay here and wait to die.
[tap]
You gonna go?
[John mumbling]
You going or you want me to go? Whichever you want.
[soft snoring]
[snoring]
[insects chirping]
Gerald?
[thud] Ow! God!
- Shit! Sorry! It was just a tiny rock.
- Matt?!
- I was tryin' to throw it at the window to wake ya up.
- What the fuck are you doing here? Are you on coke?
- No. Do you have any? - No!
- Shit. Okay, doesn't matter.
Listen, I really need to talk to you.
- Oh, God. Ugh, I already told you, okay?
I'm sorry. I-I know I'm a special gal,
and you have a great place in your heart for me,
but I-- you gotta move on, man.
- Ew. No. I just--
I really need to talk to you, Beth. I really need to talk to you right now.
Can we just go sit somewhere, please?
- Oh, my God, you scared the shit outta me.
Fine. Go inside. [horn honking]
- Oh, yeah. Can you be a doll and-and pay my cab?
He's got twins in college, so tip, like, 30%.
It's a nice place.
It's a nice, uh, little place.
That's a cool James Baldwin painting.
You read much of his stuff?
- Matt! What? - [sighs] Okay, okay. I'm sorry.
I'm just-- I'm a little nervous, alright? I got--
[sighs]
Do you remember Melanie, my ex?
- No. - I told you about her!
She's the one with the Crank Yankers tattoo on her ankle.
- Sounds cool. - Okay, so,
Melanie, my ex, dumps me for this guy
named Jason, who worked at this, like,
total douche resort in meatpacking, okay?
It was, uh-- Oh, God, what was the name of the club?
- Oh, my God. Who cares?
Get to your point. - Oh, no, it's really gonna bug me.
It's, like, called Impasse or Undertaker or somethin' like that. I don't know. Um--
Anyway, so, Melanie gets knocked up, like,
five minutes after they start dating. Okay? And she decides to keep it.
And so, she and this dude, who worked at--
Oh, it's right on the tip of my tongue!
- Oh, my God. - They moved to Florida,
and I never hear from her ever again,
like, ever, until yesterday.
And it turns out--
Underpass. - What?
- That's the name of the club! Underpass! - Oh, my God!
- It was killing me. - Just shut up.
- Underpass. - Just-- It's 3:00 in the morning.
- Terrible music, worse drinks. He was a shitty bartender.
- Matt-- - Anyway,
they're goin' through a divorce, right?
And it's startin' to turn a little nasty now.
He demands a paternity test
for his 16-year-old daughter.
Turns out, it's not his.
Guess whose it is?
- No way. No way.
- I'm pretty sure, okay? Melanie says she's, like, been lyin' the whole time.
She told me, like, she knew,
but she just didn't say anything
'cause she wanted to be with him, not me. I don't know.
- So, you're really not here to try and get me back?
- Ew! No. I find you kinda revolting now.
- Okay, revolting? I'm not a 10.
- You're the only person I can talk to about this!
So, Melanie's saying, like, her kid,
or-or our kid-- I-I don't even know what the fuck to call her.
She wants to meet me.
- Oh, my God.
You're someone's dad.
- If my mom was alive,
she would die right now.
- What does Meri think about all this?
- Do you think I could talk to Meri about this?
- No. No, no, no. Oh, my God.
Okay. Okay. Okay. Y-You, you, you got this. Hey!
Seriously, it's gonna be alright. This is good.
- Yeah? - It's a good thing!
Like, do you have a picture?
Does she look like you?
'Cause she-- I mean, really, who knows at this point?
She might not even look like you. - Here.
- That is your daughter!
[laughs] Oh, my God, it looks like you in a wig!
Oh, my God. This is just like you in a wig.
This looks like a joke!
She's pretty though, somehow.
Sorry. Um, what's her name?
[inhales]
- Claire.
LEONARD: Alright, I don't know if I get the tuna melt or the turkey, uh.
I'll just get the tu-turkey m-- the tuna melt.
Turkey's not too dry, is it?
WAITRESS: No. - Alright. You sure about that?
WAITRESS: Positive. - Alright. What's your name?
- Katie. - Katie, the beautiful lady.
Alright, I'll have the, uh,
turkey club and an iced tea,
but hold the ice.
- No ice? - No ice.
'Cause I only have "ice" for you. Huh?
- Mm-hm. Enjoy.
- Alright, I will.
[fingers tapping] - Dad?
[diner chatter]
Ew. - "Ew" what?
- You're way too old for her.
- No, I'm not. - New rule,
you can't flirt with anyone under 25.
- Well, how am I supposed to know her age?
How can ya tell anymore? Alright, fine. I won't.
I swear. I promise.
[sighs]
Ow! Don't be so-- Ow, ow! - Oh, my God.
- Ow, ow, ow! - Of course, you do this.
- Katie, I need some ice! - Dad.
- She's breakin' my finger! - Stop.
Stop. It's, like-- Oh, my gosh.
AUTOMATED VOICE: When you have finished recording,
you may hang up or press one for more options.
[beeps] - Hey, Annie.
Um, I-I-I've been trying to catch you. I've...
been wanting to fill you in on John, um,
and Matt. Oh, my God.
Uh, yeah. But, uh,
I'm in this little girl's room today.
Uh, I'm organizing it. I'm not just, like, hanging out
in a little girl's room. [phone beeps]
♪ Rewind (Echo Mountain Sessions) by Sylvan Esso playing ♪
♪ Watch them, take it on back ♪
♪ Take it on back, do the rewind, yeah ♪
♪ Moving so fast, backward attack ♪
♪ Do it again, light up the room ♪
♪ Watch them, take it on back ♪
♪ Take it on back, do the rewind, yeah ♪
♪ Moving so fast, backward attack ♪
♪ Do it again, light up the room ♪
CESAR: Hey, John.
- Hey, Cesar.
- We all gonna go to Larsen's in a few. You down?
- [chewing] Maybe some other time.
I'm really enjoying being on my own right now.
- Okay. See you tomorrow.
- I just learned about myself, and [smacks]
just wanna respect my needs and what I want.
- Cool. Right.
- I feel really good about that.
- I'm gonna take off.
- Cool. Thanks.
See you tomorrow. - See you tomorrow.
- Have fun. [chomps]
♪ upbeat jazz music playing ♪
- [gasps] Well, well, well!
Look who came crawling back.
- I'm not really back, Clark.
I have a job I actually love now. No offense.
- It's okay. My soul left long ago.
I've been quiet quitting for months. - What does that mean?
- I blend in with the background and don't talk to anyone. Watch.
[office chatter]
- Hi, Clark.
[phone ringing] - Great.
- You don't deserve love.
BETH: What? - Nothing!
- Wow. Really like what you've done with the place.
- It's pretty great, right?
- Yeah. - You like that?
- What the fuck is that?
- I'm thinkin' about exchangin' it. I-I saw this samurai--
- Cool. So, what are you gonna say to Claire?
- Oh, okay. So, I wrote some things down. - Mm-hm.
- Because, uh, I thought
maybe I would say somethin' wrong and screw it up.
- Let's hear it. - So--
You wanna hear it? - Yeah.
- I thought may-- Oh, shit. Don't say anything.
[office chatter]
- Oh, my God, hi, Beth!
- Hi. - Oh, my God! So nice to see you.
Matt didn't say anything about you coming by.
- Yeah, I, uh, I was in the neighborhood.
- Yeah. No, this is cool.
This is like when you graduate from college,
and then you come back, and,
you know, everybody's younger than you and--
It's cool, though. It's not pathetic.
- Hey, Meri, can you just, like, give us a minute?
Like, one minute?
- Yeah. Yeah, totally.
Absolutely. Yeah. I'll just see you
at home, sweetie, where we live.
- Yeah, probably. - Together. Happily. Engaged!
- Great. Yeah. - Right? Okay.
- She's fun. MATT: Alright, here we go.
I'm nervous. [clears throat]
"Claire."
[fish tank bubbling]
- That's a whole card? - Yeah.
[sighs]
- "First of all,
you're beautiful--" - No.
- What? - She doesn't know you yet.
You're just, like, some old guy. You can't comment on her looks.
- Shit. - Gimme that card.
I don't trust you not to say it. Yeah. This is not good.
This is-- You're not saying it. - Shit.
"Ever since your mom told me that I had a daughter,
"I haven't been able to stop thinking about all of the time I missed with you.
"I just wanna be clear that I had no idea,
"and that I never would've abandoned you.
"If anything, I would've protected you,
"like Liam Neeson in the first two Taken films.
"Or The Grey.
Or Schindler's List." - I'm gonna have to stop you right there.
- Was it too many Liam Neesons? - Yeah.
And it's comin' in a little intense.
- [sighs] She's gonna know I'm a mess.
- She's gonna be crazy about you.
- I've done nothing with my life. I've got nothing to show her.
- What do you mean? You work at this cool wine place!
You're a cool guy. You're handsome. You live in New York City.
I mean, she's gonna think you're a rockstar.
- I am handsome.
[phone buzzing]
- Oh, shit. Cole needs me. I have to go.
- I need you. I-I really need you here, Beth. Okay?
I can't, I can't bullshit my way through this like I normally do.
- Okay, well, I can't bullshit my way through my job.
I like my job-- - Trash?
- No. - Your trash?
- No, we're okay. I don't-- [thud]
MERI: We all see you, Clark!
COLE: Makes me squirt. Does not squirt.
Does not squirt. Does not squirt.
Makes me squirt. This, I'm gonna keep for myself.
- Squirt? - Yep. Marie Kondo has "sparks joy."
I have "makes me squirt."
- Better lives through less clutter.
- And apparently, it's "bring your crackhead to work" day.
- Don't worry, I'm here to work. I can totally multitask.
[puts down bag]
The key for you is gonna be to listen
and be present. - Alright.
- Okay? No, like, working the room.
- I've been sellin' myself my whole life. You're tellin' me not to do that?
- Exactly. Forget the whole idea of you.
Any instincts you have, ignore.
- What are you gonna wear? - Huh?
- Well, I only ask because y-you look like someone
who might try to sell her a Joker NFT.
- Fuck yeah. NFTs.
♪ Steal Away by Robbie Dupree playing ♪
[indistinct chatter]
- [chuckles] Yeah, right. Oh, my gosh.
Alright, wish me luck at my dad's.
FRIEND: Good luck. LEONARD: Hey, Beth.
BETH: See you, guys. FRIEND: See ya later.
Everything's fine
Hey, volleyballers.
Everything's fine. - Dad, what's wrong?
- Good to see you. - Is everything okay?
- I got a problem. I got a situation.
I got a sit-- I need you to help. - What do you mean?
- Just come in here. - You're freaking me out!
- Listen, I had a young, a young lady come over.
We were havin' a nice time. We were havin' fun.
And then, boom, she dropped to the ground like a sack of potatoes.
Her eyes rolled up in the back of her head.
- Wait, what?! - I don't know, I don't know what the fuck is goin' on.
- Wait. Oh, my G-- Is she dead?! - I need your help. She's fine.
- Is she okay? - I don't know.
I called 911. - What the f-- What?
- Just shh. It's okay.
- Wait. How, how old was she? - It's okay.
Who cares? [elevator dings]
- Who care-- How old? How old was she, Dad?
- She's mid to late, early 60s. I don't know, Beth.
It's a lonely world. - Six-- Okay.
- Okay? - Alright.
- You know, and-- - Oh, my--
- She looked like a young Estelle Getty when she--
- Alright, alright. Let's just go, psycho. - This piece of shit elevator.
Goddamn this thing sucks.
And we're up. And we're walking. BETH: Alright. Alright, we're up.
LEONARD: We're walking and we're moving. BETH: Okay. Okay, you got her?
LEONARD: The elevator's here. BETH: Okay.
Yeah, we thought it would just be better to call, ya know?
'Cause she was feeling dizzy. So, we just kinda--
- And you're his daughter?
- Yeah. Um, uh, I was with him the whole time.
Yeah. She's my grandma on my mom's side.
- Her mom's side. And we-we-we appreciate your service
a-and we wish we could come with, but, uh, she's got a practice.
See, she's got a recital with the f-- - Oh.
- Was it the f-- It's the recorder. - Yeah.
- Thank you, gentlemen. We really do. - Yeah, I do.
I have a con-- I have a recital. - Come on.
Thank you so much. I'm sorry. - Jesus! Seriously?
- These things happen. I'm sorry. - Do they?
- I guess so. I-I-I need a drink. - Oh, my gosh.
[arcade sounds, chatter] - Should we do a shot?
- No, we're not doing a shot.
- Come on, just, like, a quick pickleback.
- We're not doing a pickleback, okay? You're about to meet your daughter.
Look, this is gonna be great.
Anything important, I'll put up here on the board, alright?
I'm gonna hide and write things for you to say.
But ignore me. She shouldn't know I'm here.
- Just write clearly, alright?
You have, like, a serial killer kinda
script. - No, I don't. I have good handwriting.
You probably won't even need me.
- Alright. - Yeah.
- Should we do a car bomb?
Like, real quick? Quick car bomb? - No. Nope. No.
- Alright. - Okay.
- Alright. I can do this, right? - Yeah. Yeah.
You got it! Oh, my God, you got this. - Okay. Alright.
Here they come. How do I look?
- Very boring. - Not too boring?
- Just boring enough. Okay. Good luck.
[chattering]
♪ soft music playing on speakers ♪
- Hey, Matt. [sighs]
Good to see you. - Yeah. Been a long time.
- This is Claire.
Claire, this is... Matt.
[sighs] - Hi.
MATT: Hey.
- Um.
- I-I just thought we would, ya know, like--
- Okay! Honey, have fun. I'll text you when I'm out.
I'm gonna go see The Little Black Mermaid. - You can just say The Little Mermaid.
- Sorry again about [laughs]
ya know... all this.
- Oh, yeah. Don't worry about it.
[nervous laugh]
Um... should, should we--
- Yeah. [chuckles]
[nervous laugh] [electronic game noises]
- Uh, this place is great, right? It's like a Chuck E. Cheese for adults.
- Yeah. [laughs] We have them in Florida, too.
- Really?
I-I thought this was the only one. Huh.
How was the flight?
- Um.
It was... fine. [weak laugh]
- Oh, God! [sobbing]
- Oh! Oh, my gosh. [sobbing]
- I can't! - What?!
[loud sobbing] - [mouthing] Stop crying.
- What is that? - Stop!
- It looks like chickenpox! [sobs] I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry. Can you move over? Hi, Claire. I'm Beth,
a friend of your-- Matt's. - [sobs] I'm sorry!
- I really apologize for this.
He's feeling a little overwhelmed.
- Yeah, I-I can see that. BETH: Yeah.
Uh. [sighs]
So, you're, um-- [sighs] God, I,
I can't imagine how confusing this must all be for you.
You're, like, 16, right? [sobs]
Yeah. Can you drive yet or--
- Um.
I got my license,
but w-we-we only have one car,
and my mom never lets me drive.
- Man. [scoffs] When I got my license,
my dad started using me as his personal chauffeur.
[both laugh] You're lucky.
- Listen, I just want-- [sobbing]
- Okay. Okay. Hey, take your time.
Right? Right, champ? Take your time. You got this.
He's got this. He's got this.
So, what's school like?
Right? Any,
um, boyfriends? Girlfriends?
- No. No, not really. Um, there's,
uh, one guy I've been DMing.
We're in the talking stage, uh, but nothing serious.
- Mm, talking stage. I love that.
I'm married, so I guess we just ended that phase.
- You're funny.
Um, but most of my time is taken up by basketball.
- Fun! My husband's obsessed with basketball.
I played volleyball when I was your age.
I thought I was really good.
Are you good?
- I start. BETH: Wow.
- Holy shit. That's, that's fuckin' awesome.
[sniffles] Um, what position? [sniffles]
- Uh, point guard.
Yeah, the team almost won state last year.
It's a, it's a good squad. Yeah.
- Whoa. - Uh, my cousin, o-our cousin, Kelly,
she's an assistant head coach with the Seattle Storm.
- Really?
- Yeah, yeah. She, uh, she-she kinda made her way
under Muffet McGraw at Notre Dame.
- Our coach just showed us a video of Notre Dame playing. Yeah.
- Yeah. - Yeah. [giggles]
- You kn-- You know, um, Seattle will probably play Tampa next season,
so, uh, maybe I could fly down,
and we-we could go, and-and you can meet her.
- Yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah. [laughs]
That's sick. [giggles]
- We should order, right? BETH: Yeah.
Let's get some menus, right? CLAIRE: Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah. [sniffles] BETH: Yeah.
- I'm fine. [Leonard laughing]
- [on TV] That was totally uncalled for. [laughing]
- It's a little boring over here, so. [TV chatter]
He's good.
Bye, Mom. Tell Annie I love her.
Okay, bye.
[phone clicking]
- Bethy, I am telling you, Goldie's the best.
[mouth full] She's the coolest chick in the world.
Come watch this movie with me.
- Oh, yeah, she's great.
LEONARD: The best. BETH: Hey, I'll only watch it
if you don't have any more Golden Girls passed out around here.
- [giggles] You're funny just like her.
And lovable. - Thanks.
- And beautiful. - Aww.
[laughing]
[doorbell ringing] - I got a special surprise for you.
You're gonna love this.
Hang on. [Beth sighs]
Hello? [door opens]
DELIVERY PERSON: Hey. Been a while. LEONARD: So good to see you!
DELIVERY PERSON: You too.
- Look what I got. Your favorite. [bag crinkling]
Shrimp with lobster sauce. - Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh! Dad, thank you!
- I got egg rolls. - Thank you!
- I got spareribs.
I got egg foo young. [gasps]
I got shrimp fried rice. - Oh, yeah, baby.
- I got everything we love.
Who's better than us? - [softly] Thanks, Dad.
Nobody's better than us.
- Nobody. Now, stuff your face. - Nobody.
- Your Instagram's funny.
You wear a lot of aviators.
BETH: Thank you.
Your Instagram's embarrassing.
- Yeah. I'm a wine salesman,
so I have to project a certain image.
- I can help you with that. - You would?
You will?
♪ soft music playing over speakers ♪
Um, well, but, uh,
this is the, is the real me, the real... us.
I, I put some, um, pictures together.
Well, I put an album together. Uh.
Just thought maybe you'd wanna see-- Oh, here.
There's Kelly right there, right about your age.
And that's me. [Claire giggles]
I just, um, I don't know. I thought, I thought maybe you'd wanna
see your relatives and, um,
[emotional] and your grandparents. [clears throat, sighs]
[normal] Sorry. Yeah, I just thought you'd find it interesting. I don't know.
♪
- This is so nice. Thank you.
- Don't mention it.
- I got you something. Kinda similar vibe.
[giggles] [paper rustling]
Ta-da.
[paper rustling]
[chattering]
- That's nice.
I'm sorry I wasn't there.
- You didn't know.
It's okay. Really. It's fine.
MATT: Ya know, I always thought I'd excel in Tampa.
[buzzer]
She just reminded me so much of my mom. I wasn't ready for that.
It was like seeing a ghost. I lost it.
BETH: Yeah, you did.
- Just wait 'til you have a kid and she reminds you of Jane.
- You mean shack up with a firefighter and forget my birthday?
[laughs]
[shooting basketballs] - Sixteen years. I've missed so much.
She's starting guard on varsity.
She's so cool. She's smart, right?
- She seemed to think you were pretty cool, too.
- Stop. - No, she already loves you.
Could you tell that? She does.
The way she was looking at you?
It's not 'cause you're so special, okay?
It's because it doesn't matter who your parents are.
You just can't help but love them, right?
Especially the dad.
- I'm done fuckin' my life up. [shooting basketballs]
I wanna be somebody she's proud of.
- I know you will.
[buzzer]
- You were really good with her. You know that?
♪
A natural. I always thought you'd be a good mother.
- Get outta here. - It's true.
Deal with it.
SERVER: Your club soda, sir. - Thanks.
- I guess I could see myself being a mom.
- Uh, your skinny Mississippi mudslide blaster with all the bells and whistles.
- Is there a rum floater in here?
- Sure is.
- Usually, I can smell if there's rum on top,
but he seems trustworthy. [slurps]
[deep breath]
♪ gentle music playing ♪
Oh, what do we write in your dad's thank you note?
- He hates mail.
And texts and phone calls.
- Maybe we'll skip that one.
You're goin' pretty fast over there.
Let's see what kind of thank you note writer you are.
"Aunt Charlotte, I already had a blender. Want it back? John and Beth."
Okay, I'm gonna actually take over this activity. Thank you.
- Alright. Well, I'm pretty tired.
Think I'm just gonna go to sleep.
[sighs]
- Today was good. - It was okay?
- Yeah. It was
sweet. She just--
I don't know, they connected. She wasn't mad
about all the years he missed or anything. It was just
love and adoration.
- That's nice.
We love our parents. [sighs] - Yeah.
♪
I think I wanna have one.
- A parent?
- A kid.
[John sighs]
- I'm a little tired, but I can rally.
- Not right now.
- Whenever.
I'm ready.
- Really? 'Cause I'm serious. - Me too.
I want that, too.
So, let's try.
- Let's try.
♪ Mine Forever by Lord Huron playing ♪
♪ If you ever wanna see my face again, I wanna know ♪
♪ If you ever get lonely, please let me know ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ If you never wanna see my face again, I'll understand ♪
♪ If forever gets lonely, take my hand ♪
♪ vocalizing ♪
♪ In my mind, you're mine forever ♪
- It's so easy.