- [kids shouting indistinctly]
- [groans]
- [grunts]
- Astrid? - Yes, I'm fine.
Let's do this, I'm up.
Oh, you're not with them?
- No, I thought they were with you.
Thought that it's your job to... I just...
I thought they were with you, at this moment.
- Relax, James. It's not like anyone exploded.
Viv with Betty.
- One exploded. Still pretty good.
- [Viv screams]
- FELIX: Look at the mess you made!
You're cleaning this up.
I put you in jail for a reason.
- I could get out whenever I want!
- FELIX: No, you can't. - VIV: You're poo-poo.
- FELIX: You're a poo-poo! - VIV: You are!
- Okay, Viv, Viv, come out from the clothes, please.
- Felix, what are you doing here? Come on, buddy.
- I put her in jail. She's dumb.
- You can't call your sister dumb.
Anyone overhears that, you're gonna get canceled very hard.
- What's burning? Did you burn cereal?
- I'm making eggs. - [fire alarm beeps]
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Okay, it's fine.
Here we go. Back up!
- Astrid: There's a lot of research out there that shows
people with kids are less happy than people without kids.
- And look, it's hard to argue with the facts.
Before kids, we had this.
[screams]
Now, we have this.
- JAMES: Before, it was kinda like this.
Now, it's more like this.
- ASTRID: And we swapped this, for this.
- [Felix imitates farts]
- JAMES: So, it's very possible that these big idiots
have made a huge mistake by having these little idiots.
- ASTRID: Idiots like us.
These are our kids, Felix and Vivian.
I'm Astrid, this is James.
- JAMES: And I'm James. Now there's two of them.
- ASTRID: No! Anyway, are parents less happy
than childless people?
- JAMES: How do you even measure happiness?
- ASTRID: That's where I can help.
You see, before becoming a full-time mom,
I was a data analyst.
So, I take raw, quantifiable data
like money, free time,
uninterrupted minutes on the toilet,
and I present them in ways that people can understand.
But what about the data you can't measure?
Like joy, pride, and good vibes, man?
Shouldn't that count too - JAMES: Yeah, right?
Maybe we don't have as much money or time or fun,
but we do have... - ASTRID: You know, kids.
- Yeah, that stuff can just go on the floor.
- Think of the floor as one big shelf.
- Kids certainly do.
- Chuck emailed me last night.
- Hey, how is old Chucky?
- That's my old boss.
- Yeah, I didn't know. You caught me.
- He said my job's available in a few months
if I'm ready to go back.
- Oh! That's amazing!
Do you... It's totally up to you. We need the money.
- Yes, no, I'm definitely going back. I need to earn.
And also, my brain's turning to mush.
The other day, I forgot the word "Japan."
- That was today. - When I'm a working girl,
I'll never forget Japan again. So, I just need to let 'em know.
- Viv's hogging the red crayons. - No, I'm not.
- Okay, guys, we're having coffee.
This is our time, remember?
- You guys shouldn't be drawing anyway
unless you're ready for school. Are you ready for school?
- I need underwear. - JAMES: Well...
- Buddy, you're wearing pants.
- Yeah, that's called going commando.
That can't be right. They, for sure, wore underwear.
- Or bareback. No, that's not right either. Raw dog!
- [groans]
You know what we should do? We should celebrate.
- Yes.
- A nice dinner, just you and me.
- Can we find a last minute babysitter
that can handle Viv?
- The kids can't come. Breakfast this morning
was like a Vikings' banquet.
- No, it's normal.
My sister and I used to have wet bread fights.
- I'd like to go to a nice place
where they don't let you throw wet bread.
- I thought you said it was supposed to be a celebration.
- [Felix shouts indistinctly]
- Okay, well, all the babysitters are booked.
Anyway, aren't you going to Ennis's tonight?
- I'll just bail.
We should do something nice. We never do that anymore.
- What? Didn't we just have that turkey cranberry thing?
- Christmas dinner?
- Why don't we order a fancy pizza?
- No, no, no, that's not nice enough.
I'm gonna make us the pork shoulder thing,
and you are gonna love it.
- So, do I have to buy the stuff for that, too?
- No. Yes, yes. Yes, please.
- What?
- Your coffee, your coffee. - No, there's caffeine in that.
- Tonight, we celebrate two incomes.
- Yatta! That means, "we did it", in... place.
- You can do it!
- Japan! - There it is!
- Bye!
- ASTRID: That one? We do that one?
- DAWN: Hello, Astrid.
- Oh, Dawn. Hi.
- I'm so surprised to see you in here.
This place is so overpriced.
Nine dollars for mustard? [scoffs]
- Yes, well, it's a special occasion.
We're splurging on an animal who's seen the sunlight.
- Say hi to Dawn Aunty. - DAWN: Hi.
Your cousin Cory and uncle Bo are looking at the bone broth.
- Go on. - BO: Hey!
- ASTRID: How's Bo? He seems smiley.
- Having a nervous breakdown
and being ousted from his own company
was the best thing that's ever happened to him.
He loves homeschooling Cory and is teaching himself to craft.
- ASTRID: Did he craft that fun hat?
- Still learning.
So, what's the occasion?
Uh, well, in a few months, I'm going back to work, paid work.
- Astrid, this is fantastic! - I know.
- Have you told Mom yet?
She's worried you betrayed your feminist ideals.
- No, I didn't betray anything.
I stayed home because James makes more money
because he has a valuable penis and I have a garbage vagina.
Please don't tell Mom
because I really don't need the career advice.
- Oh, you don't wanna know about what make-up to wear
or how shiny your work clothes should be?
- No, I've already heard about how shiny
my at-home clothes should be.
- DAWN: Speaking of Mom,
did you get her email about the vegan food...
I think she read it on a blog...
- ♪ My love must be a kind of blind love ♪
♪ I can't see anyone but... ♪
- [screams]
- Hey, hey, hey! - Does she know how to breathe?
Really breathe?
- Yes, she's an ace breather, Bo, thank you.
- It's natural, kiddo, all this stuff used to be animals.
- Okay, she's just never seen
a decapitated animal before, have you?
- Oh.
- Okay, maybe we skip the meat for today?
- Hey, James, I sent you a work email.
- You sent me a work email? And...
Hey, Ennis!
You cannot send me deep fake nudes of myself.
- I'm an artist. Are you confirmed for tonight?
- Yeah, I'm gonna try and make it, yes.
- No, no, that is the battle-cry of the no-show.
- I have a family thing.
- So, come after. It's not complicated.
Why am I the only one working in this friendship?
- Nice nudes, James.
Hey, Marla, this is not... This is a joke.
Yeah, I know, relax. Ennis already sent 'em to me.
- How's it goin', boss? - Considering what a goldmine
the pandemic has been for the grocery world,
I'd say it's going pretty freakin' well!
- Except for the death and the illness, though, right?
- Sure. But we're opening four new franchises
in the next 15 months.
I could kiss COVID.
- That's definitely how you get it.
- We're gonna sweat, and we're gonna bleed and we're gonna cry.
And who knows what fluids will leak?
But once we crush these openings,
this gal is gonna be a VP.
- Awesome! Is there anything you needed?
- Just your hard work. Your loyalty.
And James, you're gonna need those balls.
- Uh, not mine.
- Why did she point at me when she said fluids?
- I'm asking Astrid.
- Don't hide behind Astrid. You promised you'd come
and now you're using your family as an excuse to suck.
- She says I can go, it's cool. - Great, okay!
- Give me your buy-in so I know you're locked in.
It's a new policy.
- JAMES: This is a very special dinner
because we're celebrating Mom going back to work.
- ASTRID: Yes. Celebration pasta.
No meat at all, Viv.
- I like meat.
- Okay, 'cause this morning, you...
You know what? Never mind.
Just gonna blow right past that one.
- It's okay. Let's raise our glasses to Mummy
who put her career on hold, a big sacrifice,
that mostly women have to make because we live in a patriarchy,
- James? - Yep, let's focus. Here it is.
Cheers. - [sighs] The cheers!
- The cheers, to you, and you, and to you...
- And to all of us. - To all of us.
Okay. Now, Felix...
- Cheers! Cheers!
- Hey, Felix. Did something happen at school today
that maybe made you feel proud?
Diarrhea.
- Felix, your father's asking you a question.
- Diarrhea.
- Let's just sit down and commence the civilized meal.
- Toilet! - [kids laugh]
- Toilet is a toilet word, Viv.
- ASTRID: I'll be the first one to admit
that children are naturally jerks.
As parents, you have to stop jerk-like behavior
or it will get worse and worse as they get older.
- JAMES: And the world has enough adult jerks,
so, you know, please do your part.
- My name is DJ Poopy-in-the-house!
- VIV: My name is DJ Peepee-in-the-house!
- We don't need to make the bread pee and poo.
- That's enough. Viv, go back to your seat.
Felix, eat your food! - Eat your food.
- Viv, Felix, sit down. Let's enjoy Mummy's great meal.
I don't want it. It's gross.
- [exclaims]
- ASTRID: All right, enough! Enough!
Everybody calm down.
Now, this is really important to Mummy and Daddy. Understand?
So, I promise you, that if we just stay in our seats,
and we don't yell at each other
and we don't make gross noises...
- [James farts]
- I promise that we can have a really nice time.
- I love it. - ASTRID: So, how about this?
How about we reset this dinner? Okay? A do-over.
- Do-over! - ASTRID: Yep. Okay?
Starting with the cheers. Okay?
- Do-over! - ASTRID: Right.
Cheers, everybody, ready?
Cheers.
- Oh, my God! Okay, okay.
- ASTRID: Don't move, don't move!
Don't move, there's glass everywhere,
it get in your eyes, you need your eyes.
- [cries] - James!
- Shit! - Toilet word!
- [sighs]
- Well, we'll try again when they're teenagers.
- Do you have to go to Ennis's?
- I already bought in,
and he gave me a whole thing about bailing.
- If you stay, I'll make it worth your while.
- The sad thing is that this is working on me.
- Like a little bit of this? - Yeah, these are all the moves.
- These are all my favorites. - [Astrid chuckles]
- I've got glass in my bum.
- No, I don't think you have glass in your bum.
- Yes, I do. It's cutting me. I can feel it right now!
- It seems unlikely 'cause we were wearing pants.
- Yeah, it seems... - FELIX: There is.
You have to get it out.
- Okay, okay, how about this?
I think before Daddy goes to have fun with his friends,
maybe he should check your bum for glass.
- ENNIS: Can be a little depressing, but...
Look at her.
- Slow down. - Not bad.
You gotta move fast,
or else you'll never find what you're looking for.
- How're you making decisions this quick?
What's wrong with her? - She's wearing a sweater--
- What about-- -She does cartwheels.
- Can you go back? - No, you don't want to.
You gotta pay extra to do that.
- KEVIN: Is that her dog? - Okay, see this one?
- Yeah? - Yeah, you think yoga pose
means bendy in a sexy way,
but really it means a lot of conversations
about how you don't drink enough water.
How's Astrid?
- No, yeah, she's great. She's going back to work.
We tried to celebrate tonight,
but Felix and Viv were going through a sabotage phase.
- I keep telling you having kids is a huge mistake.
- And I thought you'd stop telling me that once I had them.
- Well, they keep proving my point.
But, unlike your kids, I can actually help.
I have a reservation tomorrow night at Fauf Nine.
It's a phenomenal new place, but I can't go
because my dodgeball team made the playoffs.
- Wait, you still play ironic sports?
- I take my dodgeball very seriously.
Try to hit me with that pillow. - No.
- Smart choice, you would have missed.
- So, this-- - Fauf--
- All right. Is it expensive?
'Cause last month I got a parking ticket
and I couldn't afford deodorant.
- I'll tell you what. Play your cards right tonight,
and maybe you could win the cash you need.
♪
- PERSON 1: I need a hay. - No, that's what sheeps do.
- Do you have any sheep? - [laughs]
- Don't.
- ENNIS: You know where to put it!
- That's gonna come back to haunt you, I don't know how.
- JAMES: All right, sheep for you.
Always fun.
I said I needed sheep!
- PERSON 1: Five. - Okay, okay, okay.
- [indistinct chatter]
- Just so you know, I am four points away
from being your champion of the evening.
- James and I only need one point.
- I've faced worse odds. Are you done?
- I need a wheat. - I've wheat.
- I've wood. Wood for weed. - I don't need wood.
I need sheep. I need sheep.
Okay, stop. But if I had a wheat,
I could build a town, you know,
the kind of town that one might take their wife out on.
- Well, in this economy, wheat will cost you a sheep.
- Help me out here. - ENNIS: That's a good price!
You won't make the deal? No wheat off my back.
- PERSON 2: Wonderful! - ENNIS: What?
- PERSON 2: I'm now able to make the longest roads.
- ENNIS: What? - A winning move!
- Are you serious? Where?
- PERSON 2: Come on. Don't be shy, boy.
- I still want that reservation.
- Wake up, wake up, wake up!
- JAMES: This shouldn't be happening.
- Wake up, wake up, wake up!
- Can I get an hour?
- Yeah, I already gave you an hour.
- Your turn to battle the kids. - You can't win!
- Thirty minutes. - No!
You can't go out with your friends
and sleep till 9:30. Get him!
- No, wait! Time! I made a reservation
at Fauf Nine. Very nice, hard to get into,
dinner, just the two of us.
- Did you book a babysitter?
- [groans] Okay, okay. I texted your mom, I texted your mom.
- What? - I...
- The last time,
they were eating bowls of whipped cream
and watching Fast and the Furious.
- I know, Felix ruined the ending for me.
- Shaw killed Seoul-Oh.
- Yes, Shaw killed me as well, I feel like.
- Okay, fine. But just so you know,
Viv's pretending to water a garden
by pouring milk on the couch, so you're dealing with that.
- Okay. - Oh, my God!
- Watch me, I'm Mummy. And I'm cleaning.
- No, Daddy cleans too.
It's everyone's job to tidy the house.
Felix, tidy the slide, both of you clean it!
- [line ringing]
- CHUCK: Hello? - Chuck, hi, it's Astrid.
- CHUCK: Hi, how are ya? How's the family?
- I'm good, I'm good, yeah, they're good.
Listen, I was just calling because I wanted to take you up
on that job offer.
- CHUCK: So, you're coming back? - Yes.
- CHUCK: Well, that's great news!
♪
- [chuckles]
- Stop! Stop it! Stop it!
- CHUCK: What? - No, no, not you. [laughs]
Sorry, no, not you.
Yes, I'll totally learn the new software.
- CHUCK: Great! - Yeah, that would be amazing.
Thank you.
- FELIX: Hey, I'm cleaning this part.
Nanima's here!
- Astrid: Hi! - I'm here to save the day.
- Thank you so much for babysitting.
You know the rules. No boys, don't touch the thermostat.
- This is for lunch and dinner tomorrow.
Aloo gobi for you, bittoo!
- My little vegetarian! - She's not a... What?
- And gummy candies for the kids.
Have they seen the movie Pan's Labyrinth?
- That's not a kid's movie.
- We'll see.
And congratulations on your job.
Dawn was worried you'd given up on your feminist ideals.
- What? No! - Oh, I forgot to tell you.
I ran into Christine's mom in Hyde Park.
- I haven't seen Christine in 20 years.
- Well, her brother's a gambling addict,
and he stole Marco's van. So, that's where she's at.
- Okay, I don't--
- Okay, well, why don't you go get changed for your big night?
- This is what I'm wearing.
- You don't have something shinier?
- Uh-oh. Is that the in-laws? Get out of here, Nisha!
- You ruined my daughter's life, you sack of crap!
- Oh, my God! Okay. - Okay.
- Just put a little extra mustard on that one, this time.
- [chuckles] We're just having fun.
[indistinct conversation]
- Are we underdressed? - Almost always.
- Hello, we've reservations for eight under Ennis, I think.
- Looks like you guys are already here.
- And I said, "It's more like reodorant."
You know what I mean? - PERSON: Yeah.
- Thank you very much. - Hey, Ennis.
- Hi.
Right.
I was supposed to give you this table.
- JAMES: Mm-hm.
- But then I met Penelope here while I was at Zara's,
shopping for socks. - Good evening.
- What's this?
- Astrid, you look great. - Thank you.
I just dressed up
'cause I was looking forward to the night out.
- Yeah, I thought you guys couldn't afford this place.
- We can't. - Yeah.
We're only here because you gave us the reservation.
- Now what do you want me to do?
James, how's your duck?
- It's great, Ennis, thank you.
- It's cool.
- So, Penelope, um,
you work at Zara? - No, I work for an NGO.
I help develop non-GMO enriched rice for developing countries.
- That's cool. Sounds fulfilling.
- Yeah, it really is. How about you?
- Oh. Job-wise, I'm a data analyst for the city.
Well, I was, but now I'm just a mom.
- No such thing as just a mom, she's amazing.
- You guys have kids. I love kids.
- You do? Well, that's great. - [cellphone chimes]
- Oh, my God, my mom's saying something's wrong.
She says it's Felix. It's his stomach.
It's a stabbing pain, he's in tears!
- Oh, my God, did he actually eat glass last night?
- [Astrid grunts]
- I'll get the check.
- [chuckles nervously]
- So hungry.
Yeah.
- He didn't eat the food after the glass broke.
- I did. Somebody had to.
- Do you need help?
- Could you just hold him for a second?
- ASTRID: Yeah, sure. - Thank you.
- Remember when Viv ate a spider?
Just smashed it up with a block and put it in her mouth.
Like a...
♪ I only have eyes ♪
♪ For you ♪
- I wanna have another baby.
- I'll just take him back now.
- Sure.
- Since when?
- Since I can't stop thinking about it.
- [James stutters]
We agreed on two. And we did it!
We get one of each gender, it's like the perfect--
I mean, I know gender's a spectrum...
Okay, but I can't shake this feeling
that someone is missing,
like our family is not totally complete.
- Can we try getting a guinea pig
and see if that hits the spot?
What about going back to work? What about money?
I'm almost 40, we're just starting to go back out again.
- I get that it doesn't make sense.
- I'm just telling you how I feel.
- And I appreciate that and I support how you feel.
But I feel the opposite.
- Person: Mr. and Mrs. Berney? - Yes.
- I had a look at the X-rays,
and I haven't been able to locate any glass.
- Yeah, we didn't find any when we checked his bum.
- "We." - PERSON: The intestines
are here, and you see these black circles here and here?
- Why are they perfectly round? What are the black circles?
- It's gas.
He just needs to vacate the gas and he'll probably feel fine.
- So, you're prescribing a fart? - Yes.
A warm bath, or gently massaging--
- No, no, he knows how. He'll be thrilled.
- Thank you.
- Astrid: So, are the studies right?
Are parents less happy than the childless people
who have all their free time and money to themselves?
- Probably. - JAMES: Definitely.
- Hey! Look at this.
It's the who's who of the vegan food scene.
- You made it!
- JAMES: Being a parent can suck.
Every injury, every heartache, every mess, you're in charge.
- I'm sorry you didn't get to celebrate going back to work.
- We're celebrating now.
- Yes, we are. To Astrid.
- To Astrid.
- Cheers.
- ASTRID: But there are moments,
incredible moments that you can't find anywhere else.
Life isn't always as fun or cool as it was before.
- JAMES: Never. Not even close.
But those moments, they make up for it.
- ASTRID: So, we just try to have as many as we can.
- JAMES: She means moments, not kids.
- ASTRID: You don't know what I mean.
Okay, all right, that's nice.
Okay, hi, hi.
- [Felix chuckles]
- Okay.
- [indistinct chatter]
- Try to hit me with one of those pillows.
- No. - No, go ahead, give it a shot.
See how fast I can move. - I'll believe you.
- I choose to believe you. - Look ahead.
Ready? Wanna see how fast I can move?
Oh.
In the face, see that's not allowed.
You can't hit me in the face. So, that's how I get you.
- Okay.