(discordant music)
MAN: I'll tell you, that Karate Snuppy guy,
he loves sending motherfuckers on an ambulance trip.
MAN: I'm so pissed.
You can't develop a new fighting technique
in this goddamn karate temple without somebody stealing it.
MAN: Whoa, you made up a new fighting technique?
MAN: Yeah, I did.
It was called the iron ghost technique.
It was quite complicated.
MAN: That does sound pretty complicated.
MAN: Yeah, no shit.
Anyhoo, some asshole stole my technique
and tried to use it against the Karate Snuppy.
SNUPPY: It's all love.
MAN: Ooh.
How did that work out for them, hmm?
MAN: How do you think it worked out?
The guy got his ass wrecked.
‐(distorted blip) ‐Ow. What the fuck?
Anyway, Karate Snuppy sent him to the hospital.
MAN: Karate Snuppy sent him to the where‐spital?
MAN: The hospital.
MAN: Karate Snuppy sent him to the...(gulps)
‐Hospital? ‐MAN: Yeah, man, the hospital.
‐(distorted blip) ‐Goddamn. Again?
MAN: No offense,
but your fighting technique probably sucked.
‐MAN: How dare you? ‐MAN: Oh, and one more thing.
‐MAN: What? ‐(blip)
‐Damn it! ‐MAN: (giggling)
A little kick in your face for you.
MAN: What the red robin fuck?
All you do is kick me in the face
and criticize my fucking fighting technique
that I made up all by myself!
I hope you like ambulance trips,
'cause I'm booking you on a vacation
to the fucking hospital.
♪♪ Unleash iron ghost technique ♪♪
(distorted bleeping)
MAN: Wow.
This guy,
he got his ass kicked in a real complicated way.
Damn, I've never seen nothing like this.
What?
(smooth electronic music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(soft piano music playing)
So how do you feel?
‐Like an asshole. ‐Well, just relax.
This is called neurofeedback,
and basically, it's used to train your brain
to identify stressful thoughts.
(electronic whirring)
Now, when that sound interrupts the music,
that means that your anxiety level is rising.
‐That's the sound? ‐Mm‐hmm.
Just makes me more anxious.
Just try to focus.
‐Stay calm. ‐(sighs)
There you go. That's great.
(inhales and exhales)
All right?
See? There you go.
So now we're just going to have a normal conversation.
‐Okay. ‐Okay, so...
was there anything this week that you enjoyed?
Hmm, well, I took in a stray dog.
‐Oh. ‐Yeah.
Just until I can find it another home.
Martha is what I've been calling her.
Martha. How's that been?
Well, of course she crapped on the rug right away.
Just like, I got your wee‐wee pad in the damn corner.
What, it's not soft enough for you?
(both laugh)
Right, and it was your mother's rug.
‐(electronic whirring) ‐What the fuck?
I have things of my own, you know.
No‐‐no, I know. I didn't mean to imply that‐‐
Everything in the basement is mine.
‐Yeah, I wasn't implying‐‐ ‐I still have my own money.
Is that shocking to you?
Oh, my God. Troll has his own things?
Yes, I'm‐‐I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Let‐‐let's get back to Martha.
(soft piano music playing)
‐Okay. ‐(sighs)
So‐‐so what made you take in a dog?
I don't‐‐I don't know.
I guess I don't really get along with most dogs.
I guess they just don't really like me.
What's different about this one?
She's just dumb, I guess.
You know, 'cause right from the start,
she just comes right up.
She's‐‐she's licking me and wagging her tail.
And, you know, she's just got this, like,
kind of unconditional love.
‐(chuckles) ‐Hmm.
So you said she was dumb?
You think that because she loved you
that makes her dumb?
Is that what I said? Ugh.
No, it's sweet, I guess.
Well, sounds like you might not need
to find Martha a new home.
Sounds like she might already have one.
(chuckles softly)
Maybe, yeah.
You know, if she could learn to behave.
‐(cell phone dings) ‐Oh, hang on, sorry.
I got a text.
It's from my mom.
She threw the dog out.
‐(cell phone dings) ‐Got hit by a bus.
(cell phone dings)
‐She's dead. ‐What?
Yeah, it's dead.
(electronic whirring)
(whirring intensifies)
(whirring continues intensifying)
Oh, shit.
(beeping and whirring)
Okay, I think this is good for today.
(chuckles nervously)
You have my emergency con‐‐ contact, right?
(rock music)
♪♪ ♪♪
DAVID: This place is amazing. Do you have Gymkata?
No, that one's always out.
(groans) Karate meets pommel horse.
That's one of the most badass movies ever made.
I know, I totally want to reboot that one.
What about Quest for Fire?
That's the first tape I ever rented.
Yes, directed by Jean‐Jacques Annaud.
You know the Paleolithic caveman language in that movie
was invented by novelist Anthony Burgess?
Did he invent Rae Dawn Chong's breasts too?
Because they were speaking my language.
Can we get to my case, please? My shift's ending soon.
Right. Sorry. You were saying?
You guys know Fowler's Drugs, right?
Oldest soda fountain in the state, established 1922.
And it's never been hotter.
Really? A soda fountain?
Yeah, David. Everything is retro now.
Just like this place.
People crave the authenticity
of VHS and vinyl records.
It's a yearning for a more innocent time.
So I've been fucking a guy who works there.
‐Okay. Uh‐huh. ‐Oh, I see.
‐Here we go. ‐His name's Kurt.
He works the fountain.
We started hanging out and hooking up,
but I got careless, and now I'm afraid I might be‐‐
‐Pregnant. ‐Pregnant.
What? No.
Dating.
Wait. Aren't you?
‐(scoffs) I hope not. ‐Why do you think you might be?
One, we made eye contact during sex.
Oh, come on, Meg.
Two, we got high and went to Splash Force water park.
KIDS: Splash Force!
Oh, you went to Splash Force together?
You're definitely gonna test positive for dating.
Yeah, and probably cryptosporidium as well.
Wait, what's that?
It's a well‐known waterborne disease.
Damn it.
Can't you just ask him what's going on?
No. Then he'll think I'm interested
in knowing our status.
But that's literally exactly
what you're interested in knowing.
But if he thinks I want to know if he thinks we're dating,
he'll think it's because I want him
to think I want to date him, and I don't.
‐Okay, I'm lost. ‐No, I‐‐I get it, Meg.
You can't let him even begin to think you might care about him,
because then you'll be trapped forever.
David has been divorced three times.
‐What up? ‐I know it sounds mean.
But I go to college in the fall.
I have to focus.
Oh, really? What are you gonna study?
Filmmaking.
I'm gonna direct incredibly violent action films
starring women.
Ooh. An all‐female Gymkata.
That would be hot.
I know, right? Kurt's just a junior.
I don't need some boyfriend back home
sending me sentimental dick pics all the time.
No, I can appreciate why you would not want that.
So, uh, how can we help you?
I'm going to Fowler's tonight to see him.
I want you to watch us together
and tell me what you think.
In other words,
black ops relationship status sitrep,
DEFCON level nine.
‐What? ‐Translation?
‐We're taking the job. ‐We're taking the job.
(dramatic music)
(smooth electronic music)
Some people donate their time.
Uh, some people donate... resources.
I‐‐I donate both.
Um, whatever you can do or not do to help,
um, just do it.
Because people are suffering,
and suffering, as we all know, begins in the home.
Um, but it can also begin in more insidious ways.
It can actually creep in, uh, sometimes,
you know, in the public sphere.
I, of course, assert myself in the public sphere
almost as a gesture of "hi"
but also as a gesture of "bye"‐‐
um, so kind of mediating between the two constantly.
Um, I struggle with public persona
almost as much as I do with private persona,
which is a‐‐very much keeps me
in a cycle of repetitive terror
that I unfortunately find, um, invigorating.
(rock music)
♪♪ ♪♪
JOHN: Maybe I just don't know what dating means
to teenagers anymore.
You know what? I'll look it up on the Urban Dictionary.
‐No! No, no, no, no, bro. ‐Yeah. D‐A‐T‐I‐N‐G.
Do not do that. No.
‐Oh, my God. ‐It's a weird sex thing, right?
There isn't enough lube on Earth to make that possible.
Yo, Slender Man.
‐Yes? ‐Are you Kurt?
‐Uh‐huh. ‐Oh.
Are you dating Meg Yakima?
‐No. ‐Wait, no?
‐Meg? ‐Yes.
‐No. ‐Oh.
Boom! Case closed.
We will take two egg creams,
and not the Urban Dictionary kind.
(door bell jingles)
‐Hey, guys. ‐DAVID: Meg!
You better hook us up with some money,
because we have solved your mystery.
‐Hey, Oliver. ‐Hey, Meg.
Wait, Oliver?
I thought you said you were Kurt.
I am.
Oh, your name is Oliver,
but you are curt.
‐Also literal. ‐Ugh. Mind games.
But you said your guy worked the fountain.
Not this fountain.
Come on.
(gasps) Is this a speakeasy?
Asparagus, catheter, bravo, fondue.
Yes, it's a speakeasy.
See, David? Everything old is new again.
‐It's retro. ‐Totally.
These things haven't been cool since, like, 2007.
(bumping electronic music playing)
Wowie‐magowie.
This is kind of bumpin'.
There he is.
DAVID: Wait, so your dude is a topless dancer?
MEG: He's very body positive.
‐DAVID: Damn. ‐JOHN: Yeah.
I'd deconstruct that text. No homo.
Mm‐hmm.
I'm gonna go say hi.
You guys post up and tell me what you see.
Ugh.
This is the thing that gets me, David.
When we were growing up,
it was so cut and dry.
You were either dating or not.
And if you had sex, you immediately died of AIDS.
Ah. And that is why you've never had sex, right?
Shut up! David, you know
I just broke up with Elaine.
Oh, right, the fake lady from Greensboro?
No, David, the very real district attorney
with whom I had sex several times.
‐Uh‐huh. ‐Before she realized
it was depressing to date a guy
who lived on a broken‐down houseboat.
But houseboats are, like, the coolest thing in the world.
Well, it may surprise you to learn
that accomplished lady district attorneys
do not agree with you.
Uh‐huh, see, this is why
I don't mess with those LDAs.
The point is, why were we even dating?
Why did we even use the term "break up"?
Why couldn't we just have sex
while listening to Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!?
Whoa. You really did that?
Every week and twice on pledge drives.
Well, well, my favorite detectives
have discovered Fowler's.
‐What up, Tucker? ‐We don't have your money.
No worries.
I'm on the tail end
of a three‐day ayahuasca journey.
It's finals week,
so I won't remember I ever saw you here.
Also, I love you. Who got you in?
Uh, Meg Yakima. You know her?
(laughs) Yes.
An incredible filmmaker.
So we're watching her
thunder‐tongue that dude over there,
and we're trying to figure out
if he thinks they're dating.
Oh, yeah, Kurt. I've seen them together.
Yeah, so, look, Tucker, we don't what dating
even means anymore.
So maybe you could talk to him and, you know, suss things out.
‐Suss. ‐Suss.
Suss. Suss.
Okay, you know what? Maybe not.
Sure, I'll do it. Be right back.
You know, sometimes I miss drugs.
Me too.
(smooth electronic music)
(cat purring)
(purring grows louder)
(upbeat music)
NARRATOR: We were supposed to leave yesterday,
but the winds were too strong.
(tentative music)
And then this morning, the snow started to fall.
So we waited until the afternoon,
until it let up
and the winds died down and the skies cleared up.
It was a beautiful winter day in the Bronx.
The perfect day for a calm migration.
(goose honks)
We had only stopped there for a week or two
on our way from Shawinigan, Quebec,
to the Potomac Shores Golf Club in Virginia,
where the weather is just barely warm enough
and there's plenty of grass,
with a nice view of the river.
We'd been going there ever since I can remember
and stopping here by the Hudson, too,
ever since I can remember.
Always the same path
but with ever‐changing landmarks.
Like the diamond‐shaped green they tore down in Queens...
That had blue and orange plastic
surrounding my favorite lawn,
before they turned it into a parking lot.
(horn honks)
The Hudson is our last stop before the Potomac
and also my favorite.
It's still one of the most beautiful places in the world.
It's where I met my wife, Sharona.
(goose honks)
It was only my second year.
I saw her down by the lake,
dipping her feet in the water.
And I knew then
I'd spend the rest of my life with her,
doing summers in Shawinigan and winters in Virginia,
eating grain and relaxing...
And flying that same path for the rest of our lives,
along with the rest of the flock.
Even as the skylines all kept changing,
we'd stay the same,
and we wouldn't lose our way
because it's in our bones.
It's instinctual,
primitive.
I look up at the sky a little before 3:00.
Wind speed, ten knots;
temperature, minus six;
visibility, about ten miles.
A perfect day to fly.
(triumphant orchestral music)
♪♪ ♪♪
As we take to the air, I feel a familiar emotion,
a deep sense that this is really where I belong,
more so than the lake in Shawinigan,
much more so than the golf course on the Potomac.
I belong here, in the air,
flying safely over all the noise,
high above the city,
that unintelligible mess of spires and skyscrapers,
that island which became,
for reasons unknown to a simple goose like me,
the very center of all the world.
♪♪ ♪♪
This is where I belong.
This is what God has intended for me and my flock,
Canadian geese flying high above the Hudson
on a cool winter day in January.
This is all I was ever meant to do.
(whoosh)
But the engines came at us at 180 miles per hour.
(whoosh)
And my head hit the windshield,
cracking my neck, killing me in an instant.
The other birds at the front didn't have any time either,
and the weaker ones in the back
all got shredded just the same.
All the kids, the first years.
It was a complete and utter massacre.
Among our fellow geese, the story will spread
that it was because I wasn't looking,
that I got distracted,
pontificating about life and my place in the universe.
Among the humans around the world,
the story won't even mention our names.
It'll just say that
thankfully, no one was hurt.
It will talk about us like an inconvenience,
like a puddle you step in on the way to work.
And at least one groundskeeper
at the Potomac Shores Golf Club
will think to himself,
"Good riddance."
Because all we ever were to him were pests,
and all we ever were to the humans around the world
was background scenery
or target practice
or alternative game meat.
(bell dings)
Because they never saw us as real beings
with real feelings and emotions...
(goose honks)
With homes that get too cold
and partners that we fall in love with
for the rest of our lives.
They never even considered
that there was something outside of themselves.
(melancholy music)
♪♪ ♪♪
Action.
NARRATOR: And so their cowboys will immortalize their stories
on IMAX screens with America's sweethearts.
We did our jobs.
NARRATOR: But who will play Sharona?
And who will play me?
Who will remember the fallen fowl of that day,
the birds who honked but never complained
as the humans below destroyed the Earth
and changed the terrain,
turning rural fields into exclusive country clubs?
♪♪ ♪♪
Sometimes I think about him,
that weird little man
with his little white mustache,
and I wonder,
does he ever think of me?
Does he ever stop to think,
"I wonder what that goose was like,
"who he chose as a mate,
and where his favorite lawn was"?
Did he ever even see me as a life,
with a longer neck and more feathers
but no less deserving of understanding
and compassion?
Did he ever think about what it must have been like for us?
(whoosh)
Whoa. Birds.
♪♪ Tech external ♪♪
♪♪ Bet I know ♪♪
(pie splats)
(breathing heavily)
(smooth electronic music)
Hmm.
(pie splats)
♪♪ Thought my tribe ♪♪
♪♪ Could get me by ♪♪
Okay, Kurt went to the break room
to reapply his body glitter. What do you think?
Well, you were on your phones
the whole time you were kissing,
so my working hypothesis is, you're strangers with benefits.
Is that a thing?
But look what he was sending me this whole time.
‐DAVID: Whoa! ‐Aha.
‐DAVID: All right, Kurt. ‐I see.
He's written an e. e. cummings‐style poem
on his Norton Anthology,
which is definitely not abridged.
‐Cummings. Unbelievable. ‐I know.
That's some pretty solid wordplay for a dick pic, right?
‐He's in AP English. ‐Hmm.
"Dearest Meg,
you turn your boyfriend's lowercase into uppercase."
John, that could be symbolism.
Do you think so, David?
Yeah, literary symbolism or penis symbolism.
Yeah, I got it.
He thinks he's my boyfriend, right?
Yep, and actually, you might be the first person
to ever have a topless dancer
sincerely fall in love with them.
Respect.
But, Meg, why do you need to know if you're dating or not?
Why put labels on things?
You're young. Go to college.
Enjoy the ambiguity of having multiple sex partners.
Gross! Who are you, my dad?
I'm back!
‐Greetings, Meg. ‐Hey, Tucker.
Meg, I need to tell you.
I was in the break room,
and I spent some time talking with Kurt
and then some time making out with him.
You're out here tripping balls,
and you still seduced someone in, like, two minutes.
Tucker, I honor you.
Namaste.
I can taste my eyes.
But this is good, Meg,
because if Kurt's cheating on you with Tucker,
there's no way he thinks you guys are dating, right?
Wrong. He totally thinks you're dating.
He's SSP/HNM.
Same‐sex polyamorous/ heteronormative monogamous.
Ugh. That is so cliché. How could I be so stupid?
I never should've gone down that waterslide.
Ugh. So what do you want us to do now?
Hey, Meg.
Hey, Tucker.
Okay, what‐‐what are we, chopped liver?
Hey.
What? Oh, oh.
Sorry. I didn't even see you there.
‐Oh, wow. ‐Damn.
Okay. Cold.
Meg, can we talk in private?
Go ahead.
Anything you have to say,
you can say in front of my two middle‐aged friends.
Oh, are they still here?
BOTH: Hi.
The thing is, I'm breaking up with you.
No, you're not. We were never dating.
I'm pretty sure we were.
Waterslides don't lie.
KIDS: Splash Force!
In any case, I'm moving to LA.
After playing Portal with Tucker's body,
I got a text.
Warner Brothers wants me to direct
an all‐female Gymkata reboot.
Excuse me?
They saw some of my Snapchat videos and were impressed.
But it's an all‐female reboot, and you're a man.
I know.
They said a woman director is too risky.
You're a high school junior!
I think they just wanted a bold, edgy new vision.
‐(growls) ‐Don't be mad at me.
I didn't ask for this.
They just offered it to me without me doing anything.
Yo, Meg, do you need a pommel horse?
Deploy.
Whoa. What are you doing?
(grunting)
Gymkata!
‐(grunts) ‐(people gasp)
Gymkata: gymnastics meets karate.
ALL: Gymkata: gymnastics meets karate!
‐Weird. ‐This is the greatest place
in the world right about now.
‐(siren wailing) ‐Everybody, leave.
‐Cops. ‐(people clamoring)
Well, David, it seems our job is done.
‐Mm‐hmm. ‐Ooh!
I'll give you a ride home.
The car is just over there, inside that crystal rainbow.
Uh, how about we call you a cab instead?
Sure.
Thanks. I appreciate your help.
Hey, Meg, as your pommel horse, can I ask you one favor?
Wow. Quest for Fire on VHS. Thanks, man.
No problem, buddy.
You know, I was gonna get Gymkata,
but Meg said by the time their copy was back in stock,
we'd be dead.
‐David? ‐What's up?
Why do Rae Dawn Chong's breasts have human mouths?
Uh, Tucker sold me a quantity of drugs
and I put them in our sodie pops.
Aha.
Well, I'm not not enjoying this.
(distorted) It's fun, right?
(retches)
I'm out of here.
‐David. ‐Yeah?
I just made up a new language.
You want to hear the first word?
Speak.
(gibbering)
Oh, oh, I know this language.
(both gibbering)
‐Oh, David. ‐Huh?
You just ended a sentence with a preposition.
♪♪ Tech external ♪♪
♪♪ Bet I know ♪♪
♪♪ Blue inferno ♪♪
♪♪ Get cold ♪♪
♪♪ Like the gray coats ♪♪
♪♪ Remind me of big boats ♪♪
‐♪♪ Binary waste ♪♪ ‐♪♪ It's it or them ♪♪
♪♪ They'll keep you for a couple days ♪♪
♪♪ Stuck with the water when you need the blood ♪♪
♪♪ Moms can't stand your face ♪♪
♪♪ So you best call your cuz ♪♪
♪♪ Looking at the pigs ♪♪
♪♪ Through the window ♪♪
‐♪♪ Yeah ♪♪ ‐♪♪ Blood ♪♪
♪♪ Head to toe ♪♪
♪♪ Pain when you begin again ♪♪
♪♪ When you get called in for questioning ♪♪
♪♪ Turn up the heat on the pork ♪♪
♪♪ When it's simmering ♪♪
♪♪ Stuck in the dark ♪♪ in New York
♪♪ I'm remembering slugs ♪♪
♪♪ They already sweltered them up ♪♪
♪♪ Hit floorboards when they enter in ♪♪
MAN: Hey, what's up?
Talking to you. Yeah.
You know anybody who wants to fight?
‐(clear music) ‐CHORUS: ♪♪ Yes ♪♪