(spacey music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(upbeat electronic music)
♪♪ ♪♪
DAVID: ♪♪ I'm sitting at the Lunch Hut ♪♪
♪♪ I'm feeling on these nuts ♪♪
♪♪ Waiting on my buddy to order food for us ♪♪
‐I said‐‐ ‐Where's your friend,
the grumpy guy with the moustache?
Uh, you know, I don't know,
because I thought he was gonna be here,
but he is not.
Well, can I get you anything while you wait?
Oh, I have a question.
Can I use his money, even if he's not here yet?
Is that legal?
Well, you don't pay till the end,
so...yes.
♪♪ Awesome! ♪♪
Large coffee, egg salad sandwich,
disco fries, and double the order.
Okay. On it.
(upbeat music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(stomach growling)
(phone buzzing)
Dude, where are you?
I've eaten two egg salad sandwiches,
and I don't feel good.
I took my houseboat into lake patrol
for inspection, and it failed.
I don't care. You need to come
to the Lunch Hut and pay for these sandwiches.
No, I can't. I panicked, and I took off.
(laughs) Wait, hold on.
You're telling me you're, like, on the run
from the houseboat police?
Yes, I am, David,
on the run and out of gas.
(dramatic music)
♪♪ ♪♪
DAVID: Okay, that's it. that's everything
I could siphon out of the Fiero.
Ugh. Mouth tastes like gas again.
Copy that, David. Contact.
(engine sputtering)
Hey, I just noticed this for the first time,
but why doesn't your houseboat have a name?
Not every boat has a name.
Uh, every boat has to have a name.
You know what? I have a suggestion.
The USS "Moustache Ride."
‐No. ‐Ah, let me explain.
‐You have a moustache... ‐Uh‐huh.
And you ride on a boat...
‐You know, I got it. ‐And also,
it has a sexual connotation.
Oh, really, you finally got around to that part?
I get it, David. No.
Wait, isn't Richardsville back that way?
Yes, it is, but I'm not going back.
Oh, no, you've got to turn this boat around.
My mom is making famous meatloaf tonight,
and then Allie and I were talking
about hooking up later for some boning and moaning.
Where, at your parents' house, David?
On this houseboat...
‐What? ‐While you sleep.
‐What? ‐Dude, you live
on an open, unprotected boat.
You sleep with an eye mask... and earplugs...
and a crazy‐loud white noise machine
that makes ocean wave crashing sounds.
This was always gonna happen.
JOHN: You've heard my noise machine?
DAVID: And always has been happening.
JOHN: Oh, Jesus, David.
♪♪ I've been fucking on your houseboat ♪♪
♪♪ While you sleep ♪♪
(groans)
By the way, I want to say one thing.
I think it's really fucked up and sick
that you live on a lake, but you listen to the ocean.
You know what? A lot is fucked up right now.
Oh, my God. Take a breath.
Turn this houseboat around, bright‐eyes,
because I fully intend on having
a total eclipse of the cock on this houseboat tonight.
I can't turn around, David. If I turn around,
Richardsville Water and Sewer Authority
impounds the boat, and then I'm homeless.
How are they gonna impound this boat?
This boat looks terrific.
David, she's falling apart.
The battery bank is corroded, the bilge pump barely works,
and the head needs replacing.
Apparently, it's been pumping my feces
directly into the lake for a year.
Damn, you know a lot of boat vocab.
Plus, I still owe $9,000 on it,
so no, I'm not going back.
And that would be ridiculous.
Instead, I'm gonna go hide in the creek system.
Once I'm over the line in Pittsboro County,
I'm gonna find a fresh water source,
and‐‐and I'll trap nutria and‐‐and eat it.
I'm gonna live on this leaky metaphor
for my totally fucked, broken‐down life
until such time as I am no longer
figuratively underwater,
but actually underwater.
At least you're not being dramatic about it.
Why don't you just go back in the rowboat, David?
Oh, because I suck at tying knots.
Well, then, welcome to the jungle.
Whoo! Hell, yeah.
This is like Miami Vice, man.
Crockett and Tubbs. I'm a fiend for mojitos!
(loud bang)
(engine sputters)
Oh, fuck me.
(upbeat electronic music)
(serene music)
PINK POLYP: Wow, I‐‐this is so nice.
♪♪ ♪♪
You know, I never get tired of this.
Just looking up at that jellyfish
makes you feel...
‐Small. ‐Yeah.
Have you ever, like, thought
about, you know, what's on the other side?
The other side of the jellyfish?
Yeah, like, what's out there beyond it all.
Okay. (laughs) I mean, I don't know.
What do you think?
Hey. I asked you first.
Just say whatever.
Okay. Uh...
to be honest, yeah, I don't really think
there is anything out there,
you know, not that we can prove, anyway.
‐TEAL POLYP: Hmm. ‐I think for all intents
and purposes, the jellyfish is all there is.
Like, like nothing at all?
Can't you just feel that there's something, like,
I don't know, like bigger out there?
Like, don't you get that feeling like‐‐
How do you‐‐sorry, sorry. Oh, sorry, I cut you off.
Yeah, no, you‐‐ oh, sorry.
Um, but how‐‐how can you know that, though?
I mean, it seems to me that if we can't prove it,
I mean, there's very‐‐
that's very important to me.
‐Proof. ‐No, I know it is.
And also, like, I guess my, like, bigger question
is, like, when will you be satisfied?
You know, does there have to be something, like,
beyond the beyond, and beyond the beyond...
Oh, my God. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
‐BOTH: Hey, hey. ‐PINK POLYP: Sowwy.
No, look. Okay, totally.
Like, I just don't think like that, you know?
‐Like, I'm like‐‐ ‐Yeah.
But like, I guess we just won't know,
and it's just kind of, like, a fun thing to think about.
Yeah, definitely.
So what do you think is out there, then?
Well, like, aliens or something.
♪♪ ♪♪
WOMAN: And I bet if I told my brother, he'd be like,
"Ah, yeah, that New Belgium's..."
‐Oh, yeah, that's a good one. ‐That stuff's good.
Because that‐‐this is, uh, brewed in Fort Collins,
uh, North Carolina.
I'm reading this off the bottle.
I'm unhooking my bra.
It's, like, a flourish of mosaic and Amarillo...
‐Oh. ‐(tranquil music)
(women softly singing gibberish)
♪♪ ♪♪
(woman whispering gibberish)
And our seasonally‐suited white IPA.
I didn't listen to any of that 'cause I just unhooked my bra,
and I went to another place.
Oh. Should I do it?
‐WOMAN: Yeah. ‐Let me see.
(rock music softly playing over radio)
Um...
(sighs)
Now that is living.
♪♪ Snow time ♪♪
(electronic music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(rock music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(sighs) I don't want to eat nutria.
♪♪ ♪♪
(surf breaking)
All right, better conserve the battery.
Thank you, Jesus.
So I don't get it.
How can you operate a houseboat
if you never learned how to drive
and you don't have a driver's license?
No, I know how to drive,
and‐‐and I did have a driver's license.
‐Whoa. ‐I just‐‐it was revoked.
(laughs) What?
You never told me that.
Yeah, well, let's just say
it was a dark time.
Uh, I gotta hear about this dark time.
‐Come on. ‐It's personal, David.
‐I don't‐‐ ‐Yeah! It's time for...
Real Houseboat Confessions: After Dark.
No, I'm not going to.
You go first.
No, I'm not going to go at all.
Fine, I'll go first.
Okay, I've never told anybody this.
And you don't ever have to.
‐John... ‐Okay.
I'm actually banned for life
from Jeff's newsstand.
‐What? ‐For stealing dirty magazines.
Well, you and Aaron used to steal
dirty magazines all the time in seventh grade.
Remember? I busted you for it.
The mystery of the hijacked jugs.
Yeah, yeah, but this wasn't in seventh grade.
‐W‐when was it? ‐It was last year.
Last year? Why?
I never stopped stealing dirty magazines.
But, David, you're a grown man,
and also, porn is free now.
‐Why would you steal it? ‐I know.
Because I'm addicted to stealing it.
‐Ugh. ‐It's the transgression.
Gives me a danger boner, is what my therapist calls it.
And I have this messed‐up relationship
to the sexuality and the forbidden
and all this stuff,
and if I smell scratch‐off tickets
while I'm stealing pornography,
it's just, like, the most exhilarating feeling.
And Jeff said if he ever saw me in his shop again,
he was gonna tell my parents at church,
and I don't want them to judge me.
‐(motor whirring) ‐Wait, you have a therapist?
Ooh, boat, boat, boat!
Look, there's a boat. We're saved.
‐We're saved. ‐Oh, shh, shh, shh.
David. David, David, get down, get down.
‐Wait, what are you doing? ‐It's the law, David.
(low jazz music)
♪♪ ♪♪
DAVID: Wait, hold on a sec.
♪♪ ♪♪
Oh, my God. Guess who it is, man.
‐JOHN: It's Heather Culbreth. ‐DAVID: Yeah!
It's your little detective friend
‐from back in the day. ‐Yeah, I know.
We solved a lot of mysteries together.
She was almost as brilliant a detective as I was.
We even made the paper once.
But then in ninth grade, she went to boarding school,
so we saw less and less of each other.
I admired her.
W‐wait, what is she doing
working for Dicktown Water and Sewer?
JOHN: That's the thing. I have no idea.
She came in while my houseboat was being inspected.
I saw her uniform. I took my boat and ran.
Wait, but she's your friend. You should've said hello.
No, no, I didn't want her to know I never left town.
You know in college,
we were both recruited by the FBI?
(snorts) What?
Yeah, of course.
She took the job and moved away.
I said no, stayed here,
bought a houseboat 'cause I thought
I'd be a cool private detective.
‐Worst decision I ever made. ‐Come on, man.
You don't want to work for the Man
doing a bunch of shady shit, getting health insurance
and pension like some square.
Ugh, David, look where I am.
I'm on top of a dying houseboat.
I'm ashamed. I'm broke.
I work for children.
Fuck yeah, you do, man,
and you got your best buddy right by your side.
You are crushing life.
You are a hero for these times, John.
JOHN: No, I am not.
Wait, let's get back to True Houseboat Confessions.
Why did you get your license taken away?
What? Oh, um...
The first time I saw The Matrix,
I got really excited, and I ate a bunch of ecstasy,
and I drove my car into an elementary school cafeteria.
I mean, it was nighttime. No one was hurt.
But that's where the mayor's kids went,
so they threw everything at me, took my license away.
My mom, as you know, is the chief of police,
so she kept it out of the papers.
She bent the rules for me,
even though I didn't deserve it.
So I don't have a license anymore.
Good night.
(melancholy music)
(birds singing)
(upbeat electronic music)
(relaxed electronic music)
It‐‐it's, like, three months‐‐
three‐‐three months, they've been charging me
an extra $4.95.
Where the fuck is this coming from?
‐Right. ‐What is this?
Do I tweet this? Is that how you build the rage?
Hey. Doc.
‐What? ‐What are you doing?
What's going on?
‐What do you mean? ‐Come on, I'm‐‐
I'm talking about something.
You're not‐‐ you're not listening.
No, I'm‐‐I'm listening to you.
‐Go on. ‐No, you're not.
Where are you? What's going on?
What's happening?
(inhales sharply) I'm sorry.
What? Hey, hey.
‐Hey. ‐(sobs)
It's okay. What...what's going on?
No, I just, uh...
I had a phone call right before your session, and...
And a patient of mine passed away, just...
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry to hear that.
(sniffles) No, it's okay.
I just‐‐I didn't realize it was affecting me so much,
and I'm sorry, this is inappropriate.
‐This is‐‐ ‐No.
And you were talking about your, uh‐‐
your cell phone bill.
Oh, yeah. I was...
I was just saying that the fee that they...
(sniffles)
That they added‐‐ they added, like, a foreign...
transaction...thing.
So you really cared about him?
(whispers) Yeah.
He was my patient for 20 years.
‐Shit, 20 years. ‐Yeah.
Wow, and no offense,
but I hope you're not treating me in 20 years.
No. (sniffles)
I don't think you have anything to worry about.
Or‐‐I don't know‐‐I could‐‐
I could have a 90‐year‐old therapist.
You know, that could be interesting.
‐Would I get a discount? ‐Oh, yeah.
If you don't mind changing my diapers.
(both laugh)
Changing your diapers. That's disgusting.
‐(laughs) ‐Are you hitting on me?
‐No. ‐Are you hitting on me, sicko?
‐What are you doing? ‐(laughing)
(sniffles)
I think it's nice that you, uh...
cared about him so much.
I'm sure it would have been important to him.
It will be to me.
Thank you.
(sniffs)
Anyway, so I fucking call these pricks
at Customer Service,
and I‐‐I gotta say,
I‐‐I did apply some of the techniques
that you taught me.
Oh, good. What did you say?
Well, I started off with,
"Sir, I'm just gonna let you know
"that you're dealing with someone
"who has very serious anger management problems,
"and I recently found some of your fees on the bill
incredibly triggering."
Ah, very good.
Yes, the problem is,
he's just‐‐immediately,
he starts giving me the runaround.
So out comes the NC‐17 language from me.
Yeah, and there goes your composure.
Exactly. How do I stop myself?
You're getting there. You've already come so far.
So far.
♪♪ ♪♪
‐(harsh electronic music) ‐Holy shit.
You found the circulatory system guy.
Can you believe this guy? Ooh.
Take a nice, hard, steaming‐hot look
because you will never, ever be able to defeat this cat.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna kick his ass so bad.
So, so bad.
Friend, you have a reality disorder.
What's going on?
Oh, nothing much.
This guy's just talking about
how he's going to fight the circulatory system.
‐(laughs) ‐Mm‐hmm.
‐Bye. ‐For real, though.
Why should I be intimidated by this guy?
Dude, you need to take a nap.
He doesn't even have bones.
You think you can fight this dude?
You absolutely cannot even begin
to fuck with this motherfucker.
I mean, I'm looking at
his liver right now or some shit.
‐I know. ‐Veins and blood
and brains and shit.
I know, but that's precisely why
this could make my karate reputation‐‐
‐Listen. ‐Wait, excuse me.
You and I are opponents.
Therefore, it's in my best interest
to see you get your ass kicked,
but I can't be around for this.
I'm removing myself from this volatile situation forthwith.
Bye‐bye.
Here I go!
♪♪ ♪♪
Holy fuck.
(upbeat electronic music)
♪♪ ♪♪
MAN: Beats smoking in public, know your baby mama want some.
WOMAN: All them men just sit up in the house all day,
smoke weed and watch this shit on TV.
That can't be my baby. That ain't even my baby.
WOMAN: You know, I be at work all day, okay?
I'm not trying to come home to that shit.
‐That ain't even my baby! ‐Then you gonna talk about,
"That ain't my baby." Who baby is it?
Look at that baby! Look at that baby chin, boy.
Look at that baby chin. That baby got a goatee.
I got a full beard. That can't be my baby!
You not about to do me like this on TV.
Many feel we're doing a good deed
by giving money to the poor.
A panhandler may have fallen on misfortune,
but you, however, might have fallen victim
to this man's fortune.
Take a look.
Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.
Sorry to bother you, but I am homeless,
and I am trying to get $5 to help feed me and my son.
Please, anything helps‐‐ money, food, water.
Ladies, if you are pregnant and/or lactating,
I am accepting donations in the form of breast milk.
Again, I need this for my son.
If I'm unable to procure means to which to feed myself
and my son, I will be forced to eat my son.
I do not wanna eat my son.
I repeat:
I do not wanna eat my son.
God bless you. Get to your destination safely.
‐(crowd jeering) ‐[...] you, [...] you.
You all can all [...] my [...].
Don't know me. Bronze girl, what's popping?
Okay, okay. Easy.
‐Easy, guys. ‐(crowd jeering, booing)
So, Chandler,
the question on everyone's mind is,
why do you do it?
(smacks lips) Ah.
‐Fuck you, that's why. ‐ALL: Aww.
‐WOMAN: That's so sweet. ‐WOMAN: Oh, my God.
It's so cute.
(smooth electronic music)
(birds singing)
(phone buzzing)
Oh, thank you, Lord, for a respite
from this madness.
(engine starting abortively)
Hey, John, get up here!
What? What is it?
I got cell service, dude. I called for help.
Oh, what? No.
Did you‐‐did you give away our location?
I‐‐calm down.
All I did was call a local marina.
‐And I called your dad. ‐What?
And good news:
Your dad is gonna float the cost
of getting the houseboat fixed.
Get it? A boat floats.
God damn it, David.
You know I don't take money from my dad.
Ugh.
Today, you take money from your dad.
Today, you took a lot of money from your dad.
You done did it.
(jazz music)
JOHN: You know what? This is nice.
I can make a new life here.
No way, man. This marina sucks.
No, that sign says they need someone
to make breakfast sandwiches at the marina store.
You can't run from the law, John.
You are the law, in a weird, minor way.
But I can't go back,
and I like making breakfast sandwiches.
‐I'm very good at it. ‐No, no.
Take it from me.
You don't want to have a place
you can't go back to.
HEATHER: Ha! There you are.
Ooh, busted!
What is up, Heather Culbreth?
Oh, my God.
Mr. Purefoy,
step away from Mr. Hunchman, please.
Uh, okay.
‐How did you find me? ‐Well...
I made some calls, looking
for a malfunctioning houseboat...
and then I called your dad.
Oh. Wowie‐zowie.
Hi, Hunch. I like the beard.
Heather, what‐‐ what are you doing here?
You know I always get my man.
No, I mean, why are you back in North Carolina?
What happened with the FBI?
Mm, let's just say I texted some uncensored opinions
of a particular U. S. president,
and those texts were unearthed
by a major news organization,
and then I was offered mandatory early retirement.
Oh, wow. I'm‐‐I'm sorry.
Heather, are you here to take away my houseboat,
or what?
Relax, Hunch.
This is Pittsboro County.
I don't have jurisdiction.
I just wanted to have a word.
Oh, okay. Cool.
You shouldn't have run, Hunch.
Nobody cares about a houseboat
unless it's on fire.
If you take her back and replace the head,
I promise there won't be any trouble.
Okay, understood.
Also, that was sweet.
What‐‐what‐‐ what was sweet?
Well, when I saw you at the inspection station...
‐You saw me there? ‐Uh, yeah, dude.
I pulled up your registration.
I saw what you named your boat.
Oh, no. You did.
Well, I painted it over
after a while.
‐Sorry. ‐Still on the record, though.
MAN: Culbreth, someone dumped a bunch of ceiling fans
in the reservoir. Go check it out.
Copy that. Okay, I gotta go.
See you around, Hunch.
Yeah, uh, good to, um‐‐ yeah, around, Heather.
(light detective music)
What happened? Are we arrested?
I'm not sure what happened,
but we're not arrested.
Awesome. And look, check it out.
♪♪ I got a dirty magazine ♪♪
Oh, no, David, no. These marina guys...
But I didn't steal it. I've grown.
‐I paid for it. ‐Okay.
Oh, but I did forget to pay for this beef jerky,
so I'll be right back.
The USS Moustache Ride sails again.
That's not her name.
♪♪ ♪♪
‐(BEA1991's "Wdsg?") ‐♪♪ Picked that up ♪♪
♪♪ Never alone ♪♪
♪♪ And I'm talking to her ♪♪
♪♪ God on the phone ♪♪
♪♪ I'm drifting up ♪♪
♪♪ Heavenly drawn towards anyone giving me more ♪♪
♪♪ And I will get them myself ♪♪
♪♪ ♪♪
♪♪ And I am the stain that sits with itself ♪♪
♪♪ I am a reliquary piece ♪♪
♪♪ My own symbol of a symbol ♪♪
♪♪ Picked that up ♪♪
♪♪ Never alone ♪♪
♪♪ And I'm talking to her ♪♪
♪♪ God on the phone ♪♪
♪♪ I'm drifting up ♪♪
♪♪ Heavenly drawn towards anyone giving me more ♪♪
♪♪ And I will get them myself ♪♪
♪♪ ♪♪
♪♪ Being with someone ♪♪
♪♪ ♪♪
♪♪ Vastly ephemeral ♪♪
♪♪ Safe when it's candid ♪♪
♪♪ Picked that up ♪♪
♪♪ Never alone ♪♪
♪♪ And I'm talking to her ♪♪
‐(clear music) ‐CHORUS: ♪♪ Yes ♪♪