(xylophone tinkering)
Uh, would‐‐ would you like some more wine?
Ooh. (giggles) You read my mind.
(birds chirping)
Gosh, Sarah.
I just wanna stay like this forever!
Oh, Charlie, I feel the same way.
Well, cheers to forever.
(robotic stuttering) Chee...
(spacey music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(gentle music)
♪♪ ♪♪
LOIS: Robert. (laughs)
Robert.
Oh, is that you?
Long time no see.
ROBERT: Lois. (laughs)
What a surprise.
LOIS: So what are you up to these days?
Hey, how's the music career going?
ROBERT: Well, I'm not really doing that anymore.
Now I'm mostly just, uh, well,
I'm leeching off the guts of this crab.
LOIS: Oh, you were so talented.
We were all sure you would become a star.
Yeah, well, I'm sort of focusing
on the gut‐leeching now, to be honest.
Um, the whole music thing, uh...
and, you know, leeching is‐‐ is quite easy, though.
Well, I guess it depends
on what the crab's been eating, but...
So‐‐so yeah, it seems like a pretty cool crab, Rob.
It's a shame you're not playing anymore, though.
Yeah, okay, um, yeah, I probably‐‐
I've got to get back now.
LOIS: All right.
Bye, Rob.
Good seeing you.
ROBERT: Yeah.
(sobbing)
Oh, God.
(sobbing)
(gentle music)
(spacey music)
(upbeat music)
I'm so sorry, but could you please
stop taking selfies in here?
It's making people uncomfortable.
No, I'm not taking selfies.
I'm using my phone to spy on that guy in the corner.
Mm. That seems worse.
I'm totally taking selfies, 'cause I'm proud of my face
and I want my phone to see it.
It's a stakeout. The man's a thief.
And I have to prove it before he finishes
his pulled pork platter and leaves town forever.
Oh, okay.
Just please be subtle.
Sure, no problem. Subtle.
‐(camera clicks) ‐(shouts)
Oh. (groans)
(dramatic music)
‐Okay. (exhales) ‐(bell jingles)
‐Oh, shit. ‐What?
Guess who just walked in.
Heather Culbreth from Lake Patrol.
‐Oh, wow. ‐Location is clear, over.
(laughs) She says "over" into her walkie‐talkie.
‐Can I ask you a question? ‐What? Sure.
‐It's a personal question. ‐Oh.
What is going on with you guys?
‐What? ‐You and Heather.
Nothing. Obviously nothing.
Uh, well, then why are we taking all these cases
down by the lake, huh?
The Mystery of the Capsized Canoe
and the Mystery of the Moldy Towels
and the Mystery of the so‐called Sunken Treasure.
Yeah, uh, a city's waterfront is always a nexus of crime.
Come on, man, the last one
was you snorkeling down to get some kid's quarter
out of the mud‐‐ a quarter.
Just admit it, that you've been hoping to see her again
because you love her.
David, David, shh!
(sighs) Fine. You're right.
I have a thing for her.
So tell her, man. She's right there.
It wouldn't be appropriate.
I mean, I used to be her employer.
You were 13 years old back then, you dummy.
‐I just think ethically‐‐ ‐(groans)
Oh, my God. Hey, guys.
John, look who it is.
Look, it's Heather Culbreth in the Lunch Hut.
Yes, I can see that.
You know what, this calls for a celebration.
Oh.
Shall we feast from my horn of plenty?
‐(horn blares) ‐(yells)
‐Why do you have that? ‐Really, David?
I love to have fun and celebrate my friends.
‐Hi, Heather. ‐Hey.
So the Lunch Hut's still your spot, huh?
Uh, yeah. So what, uh, brings you here?
Advanced security for the commish.
‐(radio squawks) ‐GLEN: Culbreth.
Are we still clear? Over.
Yes, Glen, we're still clear. Over.
Does seem a little intense for the commissioner
of the Water and Sewer Authority.
Oh, you think?
(militaristic marching music)
♪♪ ♪♪
Ugh, no.
Take me to the President's Physician in New Downtown.
♪♪ ♪♪
(sighs) Welcome to my life.
(upbeat music)
(spacey music)
(wind whistling)
(pulsating electronic music)
♪♪ ♪♪
WOMAN: He always took the first group,
right at 10:00 a. m.
Howdy, folks.
WOMAN: And he started even before he got on the boat,
just telling them about the lakes in Winter Park
and how this was technically
Florida's longest‐running attraction.
Fixed location, at least.
WOMAN: But it wasn't until he got on the water
that he really started to shine.
It wasn't until then that he really felt at home.
(reverent choral music)
Telling everyone all about the houses
and the mansions and all the fancy famous people
who lived there at some point,
like the founder of Panera Bread
or various Orlando Magic players.
Horace Grant.
WOMAN: He had been there for years
and everyone knew him, all the families
and, of course, the other captains,
who all looked up to him
because he told the best stories
and got the biggest tips.
(cash register chimes)
Tours left every 45 minutes to an hour,
always a dozen people, always from the same dock,
always the same three lakes
connected by the same two canals,
Osceola, Virginia, Maitland.
Always the same route.
Osceola, Virginia, Maitland,
over and over and over again.
♪♪ ♪♪
And always the same facts.
About the founder of Panera Bread
or the Rollins College campus
where the dean's residence is right next door
to the senior dorms.
So basically what you have here is "Animal House"
and they're living right next door to Dean Wormer.
(laughter)
WOMAN: It never changed because he never had to
because he had found the things that worked.
He knew the best jokes and the most interesting facts
and he told them over and over again.
Horace Grant.
WOMAN: And when the day ended,
he would go to the bar with all the other captains
and keep telling all those same stories.
His entire life consisted of trivia and talk
without ever a moment of thought,
or quiet.
Except for once every tour
when they had to go through the second canal,
the Venetian,
which was technically in people's private backyards,
so he always had to go slow and be quiet
and it was the only time all day
where he really just had to sit there
with his own thoughts
and think about what he was actually doing,
think about this life he lived,
which consisted of nothing
but driving a boat around in a circle
and telling people half‐true celebrity gossip.
But then the minute would be over
and the canal would let out and he would go right back
to telling them about Tom Hanks' house
while he was down here shooting
From the Earth to the Moon
or where Mr. Rogers lived
when he came up with the phrase...
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood!
(laughter)
WOMAN: Trying so hard to suppress
any real feelings and emotions he might have
because maybe if he stopped talking for too long,
he would crack
and shatter
and realize just how pointless and futile it all was.
Howdy, folks.
WOMAN: Or even worse,
maybe all those other people would see it too.
All the families and the tourists
and the other guides.
‐How you doing? ‐Never better!
WOMAN: And I used to watch as he slowed down
and passed through the canal every tour.
I used to watch as he sat uncomfortably in that silence
and I used to always wonder,
"When would he actually break out of this monotony?"
When would he say something real for once?
Something genuine, something meaningful,
rather than just another trivia fact
structured like a throwaway joke,
rather than going on and on
like this wasn't all just some scripted formula.
But years would pass and he'd never change.
He just kept on going along with the same routine.
(engine turns over)
Horace Grant.
WOMAN: To the point where I even began to wonder
if maybe there was actually something wrong with me,
that I couldn't allow this man to exist
as a simple tour guide,
that I had to make up some horrible backstory
when really I knew nothing about him
other than his job and his favorite bar.
(laughter and chatter)
And maybe that was all fine.
Maybe he was happy.
Why was it so hard for me to believe
that someone could actually enjoy this life?
Why did I look at that person having fun
and think that they didn't understand
what living was all about,
as though there was something noble
about depression or existential dread,
when the truth is that my melancholy thoughts
were just as empty as his random trivia facts?
Just another thing to pass the time.
To fill in the silence.
As I stood there in my private backyard
facing that second canal,
watching him pass by,
without ever saying anything,
without ever making a single sound.
(somber music)
♪♪ ♪♪
And if we ever did talk to each other,
I wonder what we'd say.
If we'd talk about life and our common struggles.
If we would tell each other
about what it was like growing up
or how hard it is to maintain a relationship,
or if we'd go to the bar and relax,
drink beers and talk about random famous people
who've passed through Winter Park.
Horace Grant.
WOMAN: Maybe we'd get along.
Maybe we'd even like each other.
Maybe we'd recognize something brand‐new in ourselves.
If only we stepped outside those lines,
outside that predetermined route
that took him through Osceola, Virginia, and Maitland
and left me here working from home.
If we only we broke out of that worn‐out script
that only gave us the most superficial lines,
like the one about Tom Hanks or Horace Grant
or the founder of Panera Bread.
Or the one about time and the meaning of life.
If only we had the courage
to actually do something different
instead of sitting in that silence
and repeating the same thoughts and phrases
until the end of existence.
Until they've lost any meaning they once had.
Until the day someone comes along
and turns our lives into just another trivia fact.
And did you know about the people who lived here?
There was a tour guide
who always told the same jokes
and a woman
who lived all alone and worked from home.
And there was a canal, the Venetian,
except you always had to go slow
and be quiet
because you were technically in people's private backyards.
♪♪ ♪♪
Hey.
(reverent choral music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(electronic music)
(gentle music)
(chime, whirring)
MAN: Helen, we're so glad you could come in.
HELEN: I love the script.
MAN: Me too, it is so heartbreaking, isn't it?
Is it okay if I take a moment
to get myself ready emotionally?
MAN: Of course. Take whatever you need.
I gave you all of me. Every part.
MAN: Okay, I'm sorry, Helen. We need you to slate first.
What?
MAN: You have to slate.
Helen Slayton‐Hughes reading for Marjorie Highland.
‐MAN: And height. ‐I gave you‐‐
MAN: We also need your height.
Why‐‐why am I‐‐why?
Helen Slayton‐Hughes reading for Marjorie Highland.
I'm 5'1".
I gave you all of me. Every‐‐
MAN: Okay, before we start,
the director just wants a shot of you dancing
for a few seconds.
Dancing?
MAN: Yeah, dancing.
What the fuck are you talking about?
MAN: So let's get up here and just dance
like you're at a wedding, okay?
Okay, there.
Make it more like you're dancing.
That looks like you're doing a spell over a cauldron.
Get back in your seat.
And action.
I gave you all of myself, every part.
‐I wasted my whole life‐‐ ‐MAN: Okay, Helen.
I'm just reading my emails,
and apparently, this character actually got cut.
Um...
We'll get you next time.
Oh, you motherfucker.
MAN: What'd you say?
I said you motherfucker.
‐MAN: You motherfucker! ‐If the shoe fits, wear it.
You get the fuck out of here with that language.
Don't you talk to me. I am a professional.
MAN: Get the fuck out of here! I will ruin you!
Out, out, out!
MAN: You move back to Fuckville
or wherever the fuck you're from.
(whirring, chime)
(upbeat music)
♪♪ ♪♪
‐(radio squawks) ‐GLEN: Culbreth.
We're wheels up for New Downtown. Over.
I'm gonna stay here
and do a post‐op sweep for bugs. Over.
GLEN: Copy that. Over and out.
Boom! I just bought myself two hours
of fucking‐around time.
‐Can I join you? ‐Um‐‐
‐Totally. ‐Sure.
See, look at this. Isn't this nice?
Three old friends, laughing and loving life
as only friends can.
‐Okay. ‐Sure, David.
They should make a show about friends.
Hey, Hunch, I saw you snorkeling
at the lake the other day.
You saw‐‐I‐‐ well, I didn't see you.
Well, actually, I only saw your calves
flopping above the surface.
They're unmistakable.
Well, I've gotten some compliments.
You know what, John? Here comes another compliment
because your calves are delectable,
and Heather, you are a good judge of sexy legs.
Thank you, David. That's enough.
Uh, I was on a case at the time, so yeah.
Just like we are on a case right now.
‐All right, David. ‐Wait, really?
Well, all right, let's not get into‐‐
‐It's a stakeout, Heather. ‐Ugh.
We're staking out Dr. Neckbeard McBeef Jerky Breath over there.
HEATHER: Mm. He is a jerk, and he's from South Carolina.
Well, obviously. ‐Uh, not‐viously.
What are you talking about?
HEATHER: First, he brings his own barbecue sauce
to the Lunch Hut, so he's an asshole.
Two, it's mustard‐based.
That's some South Carolina shit.
Damn, you're smart.
So what's the case?
Oh, well, my client‐‐
Our client. Let's remember.
It's our client.
The client has a collection of, um, vintage cars.
Ooh, fancy client.
‐Uh‐‐ ‐Congratulations.
Not really. The client is actually‐‐
It's confidential, David. That's‐‐
‐Oh, really? ‐Identity's confidential, yes.
Anyway, the prize of our client's collection
is a 1968 Dodge Custom Charger.
Wait, '68 Custom‐‐it better not be the General Lee.
No, no, no, no. This is a hot pink car.
Oh, that's actually quite rare.
Exactly.
The man in the corner is Ronald Pronk,
a car collector passing through town.
When he saw my client's Charger,
he noted a crack in the windshield,
and offered to restore it at his shop
in Charleston, for free.
That doesn't sound shady at all.
Yeah, well, my client is somewhat naive.
You might say he requires some schooling.
‐Okay, David. ‐You could say that.
Like additional grades of schooling‐‐
‐All right, David, enough. ‐Are required.
So Pronk took possession of the car,
and then let me guess, claimed someone stole it.
Sound familiar?
Amber Pulman's Pog collection, seventh grade.
(laughs) Oh, yeah!
I borrowed Amber's Pogs!
And then I sold them to Bucky Rindfuss.
And when Amber confronted me, I said they were stolen‐‐
‐BOTH: By a werewolf. ‐By a werewolf.
‐JOHN: Right. ‐"The perfect crime."
And it was, because it turns out
Amber was totally into werewolves,
and they turned her on.
So we went to Umstead Park on a werewolf hunt,
and we wound up making out by the light of a full moon.
‐(howls) ‐(clears throat)
But then she dumped me for Trip Kowalski
'cause he had a full beard in seventh grade,
and I was so pissed off,
I think that's why I beat both of you up
in Spanish class that one time.
(exhales) Friendship, nothing beats it.
Seventh grade was fun, right?
BOTH: No, it wasn't.
‐Yes, it was. ‐No.
‐I don't get it. ‐Yes, it was.
HEATHER: A stolen Charger isn't easy to hide.
Why is he still in town?
Pronk's arrogant.
He even offered to call the police himself,
but my client wants to keep things quiet
till I can prove that Pronk's story is bogus.
Got it. So what's his story?
JOHN: Pronk says he brought the Charger
back to his motel parking lot.
That's where he kept his own car, a Ford Focus.
Otherwise, the lot was empty.
No witnesses.
‐When was this? ‐5:20 p. m. yesterday.
Pronk was making his way to the lobby
when an unknown robber supposedly jumped out
from behind a bush.
Pronk says the guy pulled a gun,
grabbed the Charger, and took off.
DAVID: And then a giant serpent appeared.
‐JOHN: David, come on. ‐DAVID: And writhed around.
Did Pronk describe the carjacker?
Well, he...
Right. Big surprise.
What, he was wearing a little silver hat?
JOHN: Ugh. David.
Tell me about lighting conditions.
JOHN: Pronk says he couldn't see which way the robber went
because he was blinded by the evening sun
focused through the motel's glass bricks.
At 5:20 p. m.? This angle isn't right.
David, could you, uh, could you take a step back, please?
‐Ah, like this? ‐No, further, please.
‐Really? ‐Yeah. Go further away.
DAVID: All right.
JOHN: There it is, precisely.
DAVID: Um, I can't reach my disco fries now
because of this distance.
Okay, the light tracks,
but how do we know Pronk's telling the truth
about being in the lot at 5:20 p. m.?
Ah, because, according to the Richardsville
Birding Society,
that's when a large flock of starlings
was spotted flying directly over the motel.
They defecated everywhere.
Oh, shit. My phone.
And I can't reach my disco fries.
Does Pronk's car have bird crap on it?
Yes, it does. His Ford Focus is outside.
‐You can see for yourself. ‐HEATHER: Hmm.
And the splatter pattern is consistent
with an overhead bombing,
just like every space in motel parking lot.
‐I checked myself. ‐Okay, okay.
‐We'll get there. ‐DAVID: Alert!
Access to disco fries has been compromised.
Abort mission.
As you can see, he has matured a lot.
Be honest... how many times
have you stolen fries in your shorts,
or are you suddenly mad that you never thought of it?
‐Oh, zing! ‐Okay, this dynamic sucks.
Hey, David, instead of living with your parents,
why don't you just sleep in one of your shorts pockets?
(both laughing)
You know what, John?
‐You know what, buddy? ‐What?
Maybe Heather would be interested to know
some more facts about our client.
‐David, no. ‐Huh?
‐What facts? ‐You think?
David, please.
Heather, there is something I could tell you right now,
but because I have matured
and I actually am a very good friend,
I'm not going to.
(horn blares)
(customers groan)
CUSTOMER: Stop doing that!
What was that about?
Uh, who knows with that guy, right?
Oh, wait, dammit. He's my ride.
(electronic music)
(gentle music)
‐(horn honking) ‐(traffic rumbling)
(gentle music)
♪♪ ♪♪
JASON: 104.3 The Zone.
‐It's me, Jason the Hog. ‐(hog snorting)
We got the‐‐ the 94.3 The Zone Summer Jam
coming up down at Miller Park this summer, July 14th.
We got Saliva, 3 Doors Down,
Powerman 5000, Taproot, Sevendust,
Mudvayne all headlining the 104.3 The Zone's stage.
And, uh, we also are gonna have, uh,
Ted Nugent's gonna give a speech for about 20 minutes.
‐(gunshot) ‐MAN: Yee‐haw!
JASON: So get your tickets.
The first hundred callers get, uh, free tickets,
so get on the phones.
Just want to talk a little bit about, uh,
if you're not eating‐‐ if you're‐‐
if you're not getting your fries from Checkers,
you're out of your mind.
The fries at Checkers are incredible.
They're not even really fries.
They're kind of‐‐ of a spicy potato,
if you ask me, deep‐fried spicy potato.
I love 'em, and I tell you one other thing,
they're forcing‐‐ they're forcing kids to eat
all these tropical fruits in the‐‐
in the school lunches.
I say, "My son's not gay."
My son eat apple, grape.
No mango, no peach, no cr‐‐no cream.
You keep that out of my goddamn son's mouth.
Because I don't want to live in a world‐‐
I‐‐I'm‐‐ I'm glad I'm almost dead.
I'm sick of this crap.
All this music‐‐oh, you know, rap is crap.
Let me tell you that.
I miss‐‐I miss cool bands, you know?
Slipknot, Stone Sour,
Powerman 5000, Marilyn Manson, you know?
Whatever happened to metal?
Ever since Metallica cut their hair it's been bad.
And I know‐‐I'm‐‐I'm friends with James Hetfield.
I'm friends with‐‐ he's one of my best friends.
He's a close personal friend.
And I suggest‐‐I‐‐I've gave‐‐ I've given him some lyrics.
I'll tell ya another thing.
My wife passed away.
She died on a cruise ship.
Not‐‐not much I can do about it,
international waters.
She passed away in the shower.
Yes, I completed the cruise.
We had two‐‐two days at sea.
What the hell you want me to do?
So Billy Corgan's in the news.
Billy's a personal friend of mine.
I love Billy.
Me and Billy have hung out plenty of times.
Uh, Billy, uh, one of my‐‐ he was at my wedding.
I remember one time me and Billy‐‐
Billy came over to my house.
He said, "I'm‐‐I'm‐‐I'm low.
I'm low."
I said, "All right, well, you know what?
"How about we do this?
"How about we go out to the bowling alley?
"I'll get us a couple 40s, and we can get, uh,
"we can get all tanked up down at the bowling alley,
have some fun, maybe find some girls?"
He says, "That sounds really great."
Billy was into the Dragon Ball Z.
So, uh, we go down there, and we're having a blast.
Billy says to me,
"You know, I'm feeling‐‐ I'm feeling insane.
I'm feeling insane."
I said, "Billy, you know what you sound like?"
He said, "What?"
I said, "You sound like a rat in a cage."
And he said, "That's a song."
He wrote it down.
I didn't get any credit. I don't want any credit.
Because you know what I also said to him the same night?
I said, "Hey, Billy, let me tell you something.
The world is a vampire."
And he said, "That's a song."
He wrote it down, number one hit.
So, Billy, if you're listening, I miss you.
Please, uh, um, um, you know,
it's not looking good for me.
It's not looking good for me.
Uh, radio‐‐radio's, uh,
you know.
All right, thank you guys so much.
(percussive electronic music)
Wait a sec, look. Don't you see it?
Wait, what? See what?
The motel parking lot was empty?
Yeah, right, except for Pronk's Ford Focus.
And the starlings defecated
all over the lot in every space?
Yeah, every single space.
Looked like a bird poop Jackson Pollock.
Okay, think about the guano in the spaces
and the guano on the Focus.
Wait, the guano on the Focus.
Focus, Hunch.
There was guano on the Focus,
and in every space in the lot.
‐HEATHER: Mm‐hmm. ‐JOHN: Pronk's Ford Focus
couldn't have been there at 5:20 p. m.
HEATHER: Yeah.
JOHN: It would've acted as a guano shield.
We can't prove that birds didn't shit on Pronk's car.
But we can prove it didn't happen at 5:20
in the motel parking lot, which means...
BOTH: He's lying!
(exhales)
That was amazing.
Totally. (exhales)
Look at him gloat.
He doesn't even know we've got him.
It's good to see you at work again.
Oh, thanks, yeah.
Uh, you know, Heather,
I've spent the last, uh, few weeks‐‐
Lurking around me at the lake but avoiding all eye contact?
I hadn't noticed.
Sorry. It's just, um...
I'm‐‐I was embarrassed.
Why?
Well, you got out.
You went out into the world,
and I didn't.
Hunch...
I thought Dicktown was enough, you know?
But then I realized it's barely anything.
No, Hunch. Take it from me.
The world is just different Dicktowns
full of different dicks.
Besides, how bad can this town be?
‐I came back. ‐Yeah. No, you did.
Uh, okay, Heather, uh...
I'm sort of in love with you.
Never detected that? (laughs)
Detected that.
Target's on the move.
JOHN: What? Oh.
Should we confront him together,
like in the old days?
Um, why don't you go?
I'll sit here and back you up.
Copy that.
But wait a minute, a 1968 Dodge Charger
in hot pink?
RONALD: Hey, get away from me, brigand.
Dodge didn't make a pink Charger till 1970.
How do you steal a pink Charger
that doesn't even exist unless‐‐
(gasps)
Help! David, where are you?
(grunting)
Oh, wow, you found my car.
It's about time, you old weirdo.
Peace out. I'll cass‐ap you.
HEATHER: (exhales) 1968 hot pink Charger,
one of the rarest Hot Wheels on the market.
Yeah, it's very valuable.
That's why Pronk tried to steal it.
The point is that it's a toy, Hunch.
You're still working for children.
Well, mostly teenagers,
and they are extremely mature. I mean‐‐
How have you not been arrested yet?
(sighs) Honestly, I'm not sure.
That's what you should be embarrassed about, Hunch,
not that you haven't left home,
that you haven't grown up.
Well, now that's not true, I have business cards.
‐I have to go. ‐Wait! Heather.
Can I still get a ride?
(bittersweet music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(Eartheater's "Supersoaker")
♪♪ Don't make me wait ♪♪
♪♪ You got me wet, come over ♪♪
♪♪ You know I've got that ♪♪
♪♪ Supersoaker ♪♪
♪♪ Meet me in the deep side of the pool ♪♪
♪♪ Better grow gills, bring a snorkel ♪♪
♪♪ Chug a whole gallon to reload ♪♪
♪♪ ♪♪
♪♪ Flash floods don't lie ♪♪
♪♪ You know I'm not faking it ♪♪
♪♪ Flash floods don't lie ♪♪
♪♪ Gush don't lie ♪♪
♪♪ Flash floods don't lie ♪♪
♪♪ You know I'm not faking it ♪♪
♪♪ Flash floods don't lie ♪♪
♪♪ A gush don't lie ♪♪
♪♪ ♪♪
ALL: Yes!