- Hi.
[indistinct chatter]
[bell dinging]
Are you having a baby as well?
- Well, it doesn't clatter, does it?
- Come on. - What's going on?
- I'm sure they're coming. I dinged the bell.
[bell dinging] - Hello, emergency!
- What the fuck are they playing at back there?
- Okay, to be fair, they're probably understaffed.
- Oh, and now I feel terrible.
[bell dings] - Okay! I'm here. I'm here.
Let's stop the horrible noise.
- My wife is having a contraction.
- No--not right now I'm not.
- Well, she's in the right place.
How far apart? - Oh, I don't--I don't know.
- I don't know, I should have been there, but I wasn't.
- [gasps] - What? What's wrong?
- Are you Tom Kapoor?
- Ugh, now is not the time. - He's a close friend.
- Are you with the group?
- No, I just, um-- - You forgot this in the car.
- Because you know what?
I know of an empty room
if you'd--if you'd like the privacy?
- Oh, yes, yes, we--
sorry, we would like the privacy.
We're-we're with him, with Tom Kapoor.
- Tom Kapoor. - So yeah.
We'll need that room. Now, yeah.
[groaning] Oh, shit!
- Should she be in this much pain?
This doesn't seem normal. - She's in labor, Ian.
This is fine. - I'm gonna get a doctor.
- No, no, no, you don't have to do that.
- This should not be happening like this.
Tom, with me.
- [groaning]
[panting]
- Coming out of it? Okay.
- Yeah. Yeah. - Finishing up?
All right, come on.
Let's get ready for the next one.
- [groaning] - Yes. Here we go.
- Fucking hell! - [chuckles]
- No one's ever been in this much pain before.
- Remember when my appendix burst, though?
- This is worse than that.
- Okay.
A nurse called me "brave."
- [chuckles] Thank you for looking after me.
- It's what I'm here for.
- Look, can I ask you one more thing,
and this'll be the last thing, I promise.
- It doesn't have to be the last thing.
Don't be stupid. - Okay.
[exhales] I need you to get me...
a Twix,
a Diet Coke... - Okay.
- A packet of ready salted crisps,
and something else sweet that surprises me.
- Okay. I can do that.
- Are you writing this down?
- Yeah, no, I'll just go now. It's all right. Um.
Do you have any cash, or...?
- Are you serious? - That's all right. Yeah.
- Twix. Crisps. - Yep.
- Coke, surprise. - Surprise. Yes.
- Fuck.
[vending machine whirring]
[packet thumps] [machine beeps]
- Hey.
- Hey. How's Ian?
- Not great.
Still trying to find a printer for his birth plan.
I'm sorry about what I said at the stag.
I just--
- It's fine. You were drunk.
I know you didn't mean any of it.
- Okay, well, I guess I'll be off then.
- Okay. See you.
[vending machine whirring]
[packet thumps] [machine beeps]
- I did mean it.
I was drunk, but I meant what I said.
And I don't really know what to do about it.
- Oh, there she is. Oh. - What?
- Jessie!
- Hi! Hi. - Ah!
[laughs] Oh.
- Where's Kate? - Uh, she's in, um, Room 4.
- Oh, hey, man. - Hey.
- Wow, you really do just show up places, don't you?
- Down to the left. I'll be there in a second.
I don't wanna do this right now.
- I'm sorry. I don't have to stay.
- No, no, if it's for Ian, then stay, but I...
don't wanna make today about this.
- [sighs] Should we turn the heating up in here?
- Put your shirt back on.
- I want to be ready for skin-to-skin.
- Oh, I love skin-to-skin.
Oh, Jessie, choccy, thanks.
- You know, I don't think I had any gas
when I had Olive. - Sarah.
- What? It's just an observation.
- Sarah handles pain really well.
- I do, yeah.
And so does Kate, probably.
Which is good, 'cause it only gets worse.
- Oh, God, does it?
- Okay, can we just stop talking about
how much pain Kate is in or is gonna be in
or just any of that, please?
- Yeah, well, I just wish someone had told me.
- Could talk about Tom. What is Tom doing here?
- Tom is only here because he gave me a lift after squash.
Jessie has nothing to do with it, okay?
Enough! - Yes.
Enough now. - All right! Jeez!
I was just trying to lighten the mood.
- Honestly, it's freezing in here!
- [yelling] - Oh, God!
- Jesus Christ.
[phone dings]
- We never get celebs through here.
- We had that one bloke who looked like Harrison Ford.
- Oh, yeah!
Oh, he was gorgeous. - Mm!
- Thank you for printing this. It's for my friend.
- Oh, you're welcome, darling.
That'll be 20 quid.
[both laugh] - Oh! Very good.
- She's a bloody wind-up, this one.
- Oh, my days. Tom Kapoor.
- No pictures. [laughs]
- Listen, you have got to come and say hi to my wife.
She just had a bloody mental labor.
- I've actually gotta get back, so--
- One second. Come on.
She will never forgive me otherwise.
Please. Say yes.
Fresh baby. Come on. - Okay, yeah.
Just one second.
- Oh, what a good man! - Yeah?
- Come on. - [laughs]
- Jesus, it won't stay. - Really?
- I think it's nice you two have worked things out.
- Yeah, who apologized first?
- It was mutual.
- She's learned her lesson now.
- There was no lesson to be learned.
It was just a miscommunication.
- Hey, don't speak to me like that while I'm in labor.
- I think I'm gonna put my shirt on just for a bit,
but I will leave it unzipped.
- Oh, my God, Jessie, I forgot.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
both: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy... ♪ - ♪ Birthday, dear... ♪
- You-you get the idea.
- What happened there? - Sorry we didn't come.
- Yeah, did anyone show up to the pub?
- [sighs] No, actually.
Not one single pers-- oh, no, Amelia!
[indistinct chatter]
Fuck. Yeah. - Amelia. Wow.
- No. Out of that.
- Steve.
- How you doing, love? - She's not good.
- Oh, okay.
- Okay, well, let's have a little look, shall we?
And then we might be able to take you to the delivery suite.
- Yeah, all right. [panting]
- I think a bit of privacy might be a good idea.
- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah, yeah.
- Ian, you stay. - Okay, yeah.
- I stay. I stay.
- You're doing really well.
- Thanks. - No.
- Look who it is, babe.
- Just wanted to pop by and say congratulations.
- Oh, thank you.
Sorry, who are you?
- Uh, Tom.
- Tom Kapoor, baby.
- Ah. - Cool.
- Do you work with Mads?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Do you wanna hold him? - Oh, no, you're okay.
- Come on. - Oh-oh--okay.
[camera shutter snapping]
[baby fussing] - There you go.
- Okay. Okay.
- You gotta give him a smell.
The smell is insane.
- Yeah, go on.
- Oh.
[sniffs]
Yeah. Really good.
- Mm-hmm.
- Do you have kids, Tom Kapoor?
- No, no. Maybe one day.
[gentle piano music]
- [groaning] - Okay.
We'll have you stand.
- [groans]
- Jessie, these pillows are a bit thin.
I'm gonna go home and get her pillows.
- No, no, don't do that, okay?
I'm gonna leave you to it for a bit.
I'll be back soon, all right? You good?
- All right, all right. Yeah, yeah, okay.
- Ian, I need a poo.
- Okay, a poo. Uh, is-is that normal? A poo?
- No, no. A poo? - Okay.
- [chuckles] No, no, it's fine.
Women poo. - Okay. It's fine.
- You're about to see a lot more.
Okay? Brace yourself. - All right.
- [groans]
♪ ♪
- [laughs]
Whoa. What?
[laughs] - Dan.
What the hell?
Oh, my God. - Oh! This is crazy.
It's...
- Jessie. - Jessie, Jessie, Jessie.
Jessie, Jessie, Jessie. - Yeah.
- Yes, of course. Oh, my God.
So what are you doing here? Are you having a baby?
- No.
- No. Right. Okay, right.
[laughs] Yeah. - What are you doing here?
- Uh, well, Claire's in there now,
and yeah, number two's on its way.
- Excuse me? - Yeah.
- Claire-Claire? With the fringe Claire?
- Yeah, the fringe is back! - Oh, my God.
That's amazing. - Yeah, yeah, yeah!
- Congratulations, that's-- wha--
you, having... - Yeah.
- Kids. - Yep.
- That's full-on. - It's a lot.
- Wow. That's amazing. - Yeah.
- Well, Kate's in there right now.
She's having her first. - No way!
Oh, oh, my God, like, the first is great, you know?
Just when they're still, like, all small and cute and--
you know, you know what I mean, anyway.
- No, 'cause I don't have kids. - Do you not have kids?
- No, I don't, yeah. - Bless. All right.
Do you want kids, or...? - Um...oh.
You're allowed to ask someone that these days?
- No, fuck. No.
'Cause of feminism and everything, so.
- Yeah. - I mean, you're--
we're both fans of it.
[laughs] So that's cool.
But you--but no kids for you.
- Uh. Yeah, I don't know.
Dunno if I'm bothered.
- Yeah. Yeah.
Fair enough, yeah.
So how's things for you? What's going on?
Oh, are you still with Tom?
- Uh, no. No, I'm, um, yeah. We broke up. Ages ago.
- Oh, you're joking me.
Oh, man. [clicks tongue]
[sighs] That is rubbish.
I'm sorry.
But hey--maybe you guys'll get back together.
Huh?
- There's a thought. - Yeah. That'll be fun.
Anyway, listen, I've gotta get a, uh,
a jelly from the canteen.
I was supposed to get it, like, 45 minutes ago for Claire,
but you know, she's like, "Ah!" so I just...
- Go do that. It's nice to see you.
- Ah, you too.
- No, it's-- honestly, I'm very--
I'm so happy for you. - Aw.
Listen, you need to stop smoking, all right?
- Yes. Shut up. - Okay.
- Whatever. - Round two!
- [chuckles]
Bye, Dan.
♪ ♪
- You all right, mate?
- Yeah. Yeah. [clears throat]
Yeah, just, uh, hydrating.
- How's everything going?
- Mm.
Yeah, it was all, uh,
it was all getting a bit much in there.
A lot of shouting and swearing.
- Really?
- Yeah, Kate said I needed to cool off.
- It's all right to be nervous.
- Yeah, I am quite nervous.
I know I've been hiding it quite well.
I'm gonna mess this up so bad.
- Mess what up?
- Just all of it.
I'm not--I'm not even sure if I'm meant to be a dad.
- I don't think anyone's meant to be a dad.
I don't know if anyone's meant to be anything.
My dad would always say,
"In life, you just have to pick a direction
and go with it."
- Is that from one of your movies?
- No.
No, it's from my dad.
- It's good advice.
- Yeah. - Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah, it is, actually.
You're gonna be great.
- [chuckles]
I'm-I'm gonna set up a pension for the baby.
- That's a good idea.
- Oh, why is it taking so long?
Is it meant to take this long?
- I think it can sometimes, yeah.
- Oh, I'm so tired. - I know. Let's get you to--
- [moaning]
- Here we go. You good? - Yeah.
- Okay. I know. All right. - [groans]
- Okay, love. Let's see how you're doing.
Here we go. - Where's Ian?
- You sent him outside. - Oh, I miss him.
He should come back.
- Okay, bit of pressure.
- Oh, do you want me to leave, or...?
- What else have you got on?
- Okay.
Baby's breach, which means he's upside-down.
- [groans] It's already disobeying me.
- We're gonna start preparing for a C-section.
- No. No, no. Let's just wait a bit longer.
- I know this all feels like it's happening really fast,
okay, but the doctor would agree,
it's better to be cautious, all right?
Maybe your friend here can go find your husband.
- Yeah. Yep.
- All right. You're doing really well, love.
[indistinct chatter]
- Ian, you've gotta get back to the room.
Kate's getting ready for surgery.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - No-no, the baby's fine.
- Are you okay?
- How are you still here?
♪ ♪
- Jessie!
Jessie! - Hi!
- They're taking me to a second location.
- That's fine. That's great news.
Just means you're about to have a baby.
- Could you walk a bit faster? We really do have places to be.
- I can't back out now, can I?
- No, no, I don't think so, but you're gonna be fine.
You're going to be fine, okay?
You're gonna be fine as well.
Okay. Yeah.
- I love you. - I love you too.
Bye!
♪ ♪
- Attention!
Kate has just given birth
to the most beautiful baby in the world!
- Is she okay?
- Mother, father, and baby are doing well!
- Is it a boy or a girl?
- Oh, I-I-I-I-I don't know. I forgot to ask.
It's a baby, though. It's a baby.
- Nice one, man!
- Oh. [laughs]
- Sorry. - I'll be right back.
[indistinct chatter]
♪ ♪
[line trilling]
- Hi, it's Tom. Leave a message.
Yeah, I know.
Just all happened really quickly.
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
I'm still in my squash gear.
Yeah.
Me too.
I love you too.
Okay. Bye.
- Sorry.
Didn't mean to interrupt.
Tried to give you a call, but, uh...
baby's here.
- That's great.
Is everyone okay?
- Yeah, Kate and the baby are.
Ian's been touch-and-go. - [chuckles]
That's a bit on the nose, isn't it?
- Yeah, well, it's the only place I could make a phone call
without being asked to sniff a baby, so.
- Right.
[sighs] You know, I used to think
about our wedding all the time.
- Really? - Mm.
Yeah.
All the time.
- You never wanted to get married.
- I know, but you know.
I don't like the legal bit, but...
I like party planning.
- [chuckles]
So go on then.
What was it like? - Oh.
Okay, well...
I actually hate the idea of walking down the aisle,
so if it were me,
I would sort of break into a light jog.
- A jog? - Yeah.
- [chuckles] - Okay, I'll show you.
Just, you know, a classy one. Uh...
[hums melody]
Hey. Oh, hi. - Okay.
- Ooh! Ow. Ugh.
- Oh. - Ow.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
It's--clumsy.
- So who's the celebrant?
- Well, I was--I was hoping
we could use one of your celebrity contacts.
You know, get someone high profile.
- I think Vin Diesel is ordained.
- Is he? - If he isn't, he should be.
- Okay.
All right.
I guess Vin Diesel is marrying us.
And he's wearing sunglasses.
- Very cool.
- Jessica Simpson sings a song.
- Rowan Atkinson reads a poem.
- A really long poem,
and everybody gets really bored, but...
Vin Diesel brings the energy back up.
He's-he's a professional.
And then Vin says to us...
"Do you take this woman
to be your lawfully wedded wife?"
And I'd say...
"I think you're doing this with the wrong person."
And that we've always wanted different things,
and it's not gonna change.
And even though we loved each other so much,
I think we're pretty stupid
to think it can't happen with someone else.
'Cause it has, hasn't it?
- I'm sorry.
- It's all right. I'm sorry.
- Those are pretty shit vows. - [chuckles]
Yeah, I was improvising.
- This is it, isn't it?
- Yeah.
I'm so happy for you.
I know it doesn't seem like it, but I am.
- I'm really happy for you too.
If you're happy.
- I am.
- Oh.
Apologies.
- Oh.
- I'm sorry for your loss.
- Oh, uh... [laughs]
- Ah. - [chuckles]
- I should go.
Clem's waiting up for me.
[melancholy jazz music]
♪ ♪
Bye.
- Bye.
- [whispering] Jessie.
[rain pattering]
Do you wanna hold my baby?
- Oh, yes.
[baby cooing]
- Their middle name is going to be Jessie.
- Oh.
It's not a great middle name, to be honest.
- Well, we'll think about it.
- Keep your options open.
- Nothing's set in stone. - Yeah.
[chuckles]
[thunder rumbling]
- Hey. Leave a message.
- Hey.
Uh, sorry I didn't ring until now,
but the baby came, which is exciting.
Um, yeah, I just wanted to ring in
and say thank you for everything yesterday and...
[sighs]
Yeah, sorry, you're the first person
I thought of to ring, but...
you were, um, but yeah.
Thank you.
[soft piano flourish]
[gentle piano music]
♪ ♪
[knocking]
- [laughs] Oh, shit.
Get in.
- [laughs]
- You're soaking.
- You stayed.
- Yeah.
So, uh, she have the baby?
- Yeah.
- Nice.
Oh, um...
Happy birthday.
For yesterday.
It's all they had at the petrol station.
- Thanks.
- So where do you wanna go?
- Dinner.
♪ ♪