1
00:00:13,958 --> 00:00:15,958
[mellow acoustic music playing]
2
00:00:21,625 --> 00:00:23,500
Okay, it's bottom-line time.
3
00:00:23,583 --> 00:00:25,958
Who are you people, and what is all this?
4
00:00:26,041 --> 00:00:28,401
[The Commander] You've got questions.
That's understandable.
5
00:00:28,458 --> 00:00:31,458
Yeah, starting with,
"What the hell's TCB?"
6
00:00:31,541 --> 00:00:32,750
All in good time.
7
00:00:33,333 --> 00:00:35,416
Which happens to be right now. [chuckles]
8
00:00:36,916 --> 00:00:38,333
- Have a seat, sir.
- Who's this?
9
00:00:38,416 --> 00:00:41,583
Oh, you're not the only connoisseur
of exotic pets.
10
00:00:41,666 --> 00:00:43,916
This is mine. His name's Doyle.
11
00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:47,666
- I actually went to Columbia Law School.
- And now he picks up my dry cleaning.
12
00:00:47,750 --> 00:00:49,541
So, yeah, joke's on me.
13
00:00:49,625 --> 00:00:50,791
[The Commander] Yes, it is.
14
00:00:50,875 --> 00:00:51,750
Shall we?
15
00:00:51,833 --> 00:00:55,250
Did somebody order a total mindfuck?
16
00:00:55,333 --> 00:00:58,291
- I thought we told you no more robes.
- Yeah, but come on!
17
00:00:58,375 --> 00:01:02,916
How many times does a neighbor die
who wears the exact same size as me?
18
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:05,750
Whoa, now, hang on.
What the hell is that thing?
19
00:01:05,833 --> 00:01:09,666
A little something I call
"enhanced being-there-ness."
20
00:01:09,750 --> 00:01:12,291
I thought we were calling it
"virtual reality."
21
00:01:12,791 --> 00:01:16,416
"Virtual reality"?
That's literally an oxymoron.
22
00:01:16,500 --> 00:01:19,000
Maybe try not being that stupid?
23
00:01:19,083 --> 00:01:20,583
[laughs]
24
00:01:20,666 --> 00:01:22,791
Now, just relax.
25
00:01:23,416 --> 00:01:25,916
[ominous music playing]
26
00:01:29,375 --> 00:01:31,333
[feedback squeals]
27
00:01:31,416 --> 00:01:33,416
[film projector whirring]
28
00:01:39,833 --> 00:01:41,291
[gentle angelic music playing]
29
00:01:41,875 --> 00:01:42,791
[Elvis] What the hell?
30
00:01:42,875 --> 00:01:45,000
Hi there. Welcome to TCB.
31
00:01:46,041 --> 00:01:46,916
What's TCB?
32
00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:49,166
Well, it stands for "The Central Bureau,"
33
00:01:49,250 --> 00:01:53,541
and it's been keeping America safe
since long before you kids were even born.
34
00:01:53,625 --> 00:01:55,375
Huh? How so?
35
00:01:55,458 --> 00:01:56,791
Put it this way.
36
00:01:56,875 --> 00:01:58,750
If it wasn't for TCB,
37
00:01:58,833 --> 00:02:01,750
half of you'd be toiling
in a Japanese salt mine right now,
38
00:02:01,833 --> 00:02:04,541
and the other half
would be selling fetish sex for food
39
00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:06,583
in a Soviet worker's paradise.
40
00:02:06,666 --> 00:02:08,916
What's fetish sex?
41
00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:10,125
[laughs]
42
00:02:10,208 --> 00:02:11,500
Kids are so stupid.
43
00:02:12,250 --> 00:02:13,833
Allow me to introduce myself.
44
00:02:14,333 --> 00:02:18,791
I am the Commander, the latest in a long,
illustrious line of TCB commanders
45
00:02:18,875 --> 00:02:22,708
who have quietly shaped history
into the very world you live in today.
46
00:02:23,208 --> 00:02:25,791
All through the secret power of TCB.
47
00:02:27,250 --> 00:02:31,000
1952. World's first hydrogen bomb.
48
00:02:31,083 --> 00:02:33,041
We checked a big box with that one.
49
00:02:33,125 --> 00:02:35,041
At the time, many asked, "Why?"
50
00:02:35,125 --> 00:02:37,125
But at TCB, we ask,
51
00:02:37,791 --> 00:02:39,166
"Why the hell not?"
52
00:02:39,250 --> 00:02:40,250
[chuckles]
53
00:02:40,333 --> 00:02:43,708
But our technology is nothing
without the secret agents to use it.
54
00:02:43,791 --> 00:02:46,000
And that's where you come in.
55
00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:50,750
Now, if you're watching this,
that means you're probably pretty famous.
56
00:02:50,833 --> 00:02:52,375
Congrats on that, by the way.
57
00:02:52,458 --> 00:02:53,958
And not just for the fame,
58
00:02:54,041 --> 00:02:57,291
but more importantly,
for the will to succeed.
59
00:02:57,875 --> 00:03:00,125
The kind of iron will that says
60
00:03:00,208 --> 00:03:04,708
you'll kill what you love and eat it
in a snow cave just to stay alive.
61
00:03:04,791 --> 00:03:09,000
Because that's what it takes
to be a celebrity in America.
62
00:03:10,333 --> 00:03:12,916
Oh, doors opened wide
for people like Marilyn,
63
00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:14,875
just like they do for you.
64
00:03:14,958 --> 00:03:19,208
And that's why for over 100 years,
TCB has utilized celebrities
65
00:03:19,291 --> 00:03:24,583
to infiltrate, instigate, appropriate,
and if this thing in Prague works out,
66
00:03:24,666 --> 00:03:26,791
fumigate to keep America safe.
67
00:03:32,083 --> 00:03:33,000
Ben Franklin?
68
00:03:33,083 --> 00:03:34,750
- [electricity crackles]
- [screams]
69
00:03:34,833 --> 00:03:36,583
That guy was fucking dark.
70
00:03:37,166 --> 00:03:40,250
And like him, as a celebrity,
you're an influencer.
71
00:03:40,333 --> 00:03:42,500
What you think matters to the world,
72
00:03:42,583 --> 00:03:44,666
which is just one of the many ways
73
00:03:44,750 --> 00:03:48,375
TCB has quietly shaped the world
into what it is today.
74
00:03:48,458 --> 00:03:49,833
You're welcome.
75
00:03:49,916 --> 00:03:54,916
But remember, at TCB, we don't
just bend civilization to our will,
76
00:03:55,416 --> 00:03:56,666
we also like to have fun!
77
00:03:57,583 --> 00:03:59,541
We even have an annual company retreat.
78
00:04:00,083 --> 00:04:01,541
But not at the beach anymore.
79
00:04:01,625 --> 00:04:05,708
The last time we tried that, it turned
into what you know as the Bay of Pigs.
80
00:04:05,791 --> 00:04:07,958
- [gunfire]
- So, lesson learned.
81
00:04:08,041 --> 00:04:09,625
So, welcome to the team.
82
00:04:09,708 --> 00:04:12,791
And remember,
you're not just a celebrity anymore.
83
00:04:12,875 --> 00:04:16,166
You're a gladiator for American greatness.
84
00:04:17,208 --> 00:04:18,416
[laughs]
85
00:04:18,500 --> 00:04:21,416
Dear God, their abs are like
a basket of snakes.
86
00:04:22,458 --> 00:04:23,791
[heroic music playing]
87
00:04:23,875 --> 00:04:26,125
And, what, you expect me
to believe all that?
88
00:04:26,708 --> 00:04:29,208
I think you and I both know
you already do.
89
00:04:29,708 --> 00:04:31,083
So, what do you think?
90
00:04:32,875 --> 00:04:33,916
Kick-ass spy gadgets?
91
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:35,208
Kind of the whole point.
92
00:04:35,291 --> 00:04:36,583
Saving America?
93
00:04:36,666 --> 00:04:37,958
Practically every day.
94
00:04:38,041 --> 00:04:39,041
Insanely dangerous?
95
00:04:39,125 --> 00:04:43,458
I can almost guarantee
a very abrupt, violent death.
96
00:04:45,375 --> 00:04:47,333
Your training starts soon. Be ready.
97
00:04:48,208 --> 00:04:50,875
Guess I'll be seeing you around,
CeCe with an "E."
98
00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:52,833
Uh, hang on.
You can't leave with that suit.
99
00:04:52,916 --> 00:04:53,916
Need that back.
100
00:04:53,958 --> 00:04:56,458
I've been to the moon and back
in this thing.
101
00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:58,458
Pretty sure I earned it.
102
00:04:58,541 --> 00:05:02,125
♪ This was gonna be the night tonight ♪
103
00:05:03,125 --> 00:05:06,166
♪ I was gonna get to hold you tight ♪
104
00:05:07,166 --> 00:05:09,875
♪ But I guess we didn't plan it right... ♪
105
00:05:10,875 --> 00:05:14,083
[man]
Oh! Sorry, Miss Nesbit. You are out.
106
00:05:14,166 --> 00:05:15,875
- [man chuckles]
- Motherfucker.
107
00:05:16,666 --> 00:05:19,875
♪ ...to rhumba in a sports car... ♪
108
00:05:19,958 --> 00:05:21,458
Oh come on.
109
00:05:21,541 --> 00:05:23,375
Who doesn't love Elvis?
110
00:05:23,458 --> 00:05:25,208
That man's a menace.
111
00:05:25,291 --> 00:05:28,000
He looks like
a male prostitute hairdresser.
112
00:05:28,083 --> 00:05:29,250
[chuckles]
113
00:05:29,333 --> 00:05:31,000
But not too hard to look at.
114
00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:35,875
♪ When a little kiss I want to steal ♪
115
00:05:36,541 --> 00:05:38,309
♪ I hit my head
Against the steering wheel... ♪
116
00:05:38,333 --> 00:05:40,958
Ooh, and don't even
get me started on his butt.
117
00:05:41,041 --> 00:05:43,583
That man's got an ass
like a mountain lion.
118
00:05:43,666 --> 00:05:45,208
[high-pitched squeal]
119
00:05:45,291 --> 00:05:47,208
[screams]
120
00:05:47,958 --> 00:05:49,541
[shrieks]
121
00:05:51,250 --> 00:05:52,625
[roars]
122
00:05:52,708 --> 00:05:54,833
[screaming]
123
00:05:54,916 --> 00:05:56,666
♪ You can't move forward or back ♪
124
00:05:56,750 --> 00:05:59,166
It's working even better
than we anticipated.
125
00:05:59,250 --> 00:06:00,500
[screaming]
126
00:06:00,583 --> 00:06:01,783
[man, on phone] Response rate?
127
00:06:01,833 --> 00:06:03,166
Over 50%.
128
00:06:03,750 --> 00:06:05,333
Hold on a second.
129
00:06:05,958 --> 00:06:07,125
[howling]
130
00:06:10,666 --> 00:06:12,458
[Captain Kirk] Ensign. Are you okay?
131
00:06:13,208 --> 00:06:15,416
[Bertie] That woman looks ridiculous.
132
00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:18,958
Who even dresses like that
flying around the galaxy?
133
00:06:19,541 --> 00:06:24,333
Ooh, looks like jealousy wears
a jungle cat-themed pantsuit in... Ow!
134
00:06:24,416 --> 00:06:25,416
I don't do jealous.
135
00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:28,166
I still can't believe
you and Captain Kirk are a thing.
136
00:06:28,250 --> 00:06:29,833
Well...
137
00:06:29,916 --> 00:06:33,083
Okay, we're not really dating.
138
00:06:33,166 --> 00:06:36,000
Although the other night, I did let him...
139
00:06:36,083 --> 00:06:38,375
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- No, thank you.
140
00:06:38,458 --> 00:06:40,541
No, thanks. [laughs] I'm good.
141
00:06:40,625 --> 00:06:42,833
What is wrong with you? Grow up.
142
00:06:42,916 --> 00:06:47,000
Which I'd like to continue to do
without images like that in my head.
143
00:06:47,083 --> 00:06:50,000
Yeah, that's like
walking in on your parents butt-naked,
144
00:06:50,083 --> 00:06:52,625
but they're both
getting boned by Captain Kirk.
145
00:06:52,708 --> 00:06:54,958
- And nobody needs that.
- [chuckles]
146
00:06:55,041 --> 00:06:56,208
[Bertie] Speak for yourself.
147
00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:57,750
Sorry to interrupt.
148
00:06:57,791 --> 00:06:59,916
What? What in the hell is this?
149
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:01,916
Ah, Miss Bertie, I presume.
150
00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:03,500
Let me guess.
151
00:07:03,583 --> 00:07:06,791
You're the jackass
who runs the stupid little secret club
152
00:07:06,875 --> 00:07:10,583
that almost got my precious Elvis
killed in a nuclear fireball.
153
00:07:10,666 --> 00:07:12,166
God, I love your strength.
154
00:07:12,250 --> 00:07:15,250
And he wasn't almost killed.
155
00:07:15,333 --> 00:07:17,958
[laughs]
Technically, he was slightly killed.
156
00:07:18,041 --> 00:07:19,750
- Based on radiation...
- Howard!
157
00:07:20,541 --> 00:07:23,500
Are you ready?
Because your training starts now.
158
00:07:23,583 --> 00:07:25,291
Training? What are you talking about?
159
00:07:25,375 --> 00:07:27,041
We're sending you on your first mission.
160
00:07:27,125 --> 00:07:29,208
What? Hold the phone, jackass.
161
00:07:29,291 --> 00:07:34,000
Sending him on his first mission is,
by definition, not training.
162
00:07:34,083 --> 00:07:37,125
Well, at TCB, we train by not training.
163
00:07:37,208 --> 00:07:40,000
You actually think those words make sense?
164
00:07:40,083 --> 00:07:43,958
We train by doing.
By throwing you in the deep end.
165
00:07:44,041 --> 00:07:46,458
Same way Vikings
taught their babies how to swim.
166
00:07:46,541 --> 00:07:48,166
And most of them probably did fine.
167
00:07:48,250 --> 00:07:51,708
Oh, so you think
you can just waltz right into my TV,
168
00:07:51,791 --> 00:07:55,708
interrupting Bertie's Star Trek,
and send me out on some mission?
169
00:07:55,791 --> 00:07:58,125
Did I mention a jetpack may be involved?
170
00:07:58,208 --> 00:08:00,059
- Where are we headed?
- Familiar with Altamont?
171
00:08:00,083 --> 00:08:02,500
- What's that? Some kind of Buick?
- No, man.
172
00:08:02,583 --> 00:08:05,375
It's like the Woodstock of the West,
up in San Fran.
173
00:08:05,458 --> 00:08:08,375
They're calling it
the Summer of Love all over again.
174
00:08:08,458 --> 00:08:10,125
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it.
175
00:08:10,208 --> 00:08:13,291
Hippie orgy concert kind of shindig.
Got it.
176
00:08:13,375 --> 00:08:15,958
Indeed. And you'll get briefed
when you get to it.
177
00:08:16,041 --> 00:08:18,875
Oh, and maybe wear something
a little less... you.
178
00:08:18,958 --> 00:08:20,291
Watch your speed.
179
00:08:20,375 --> 00:08:21,934
They're filming a documentary up there.
180
00:08:21,958 --> 00:08:25,125
Gonna be cameras around,
so just make sure you blend.
181
00:08:26,125 --> 00:08:28,125
[bluesy rock music playing]
182
00:08:30,791 --> 00:08:31,875
You know what?
183
00:08:31,958 --> 00:08:34,541
I actually make this look not ridiculous.
184
00:08:34,625 --> 00:08:36,458
Yep, and not for nothing.
185
00:08:36,541 --> 00:08:37,833
Pete Fonda's still calling,
186
00:08:37,916 --> 00:08:39,916
asking when he's getting
these motorcycles back.
187
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:40,916
What'd you tell him?
188
00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:42,416
"What motorcycles?"
189
00:08:42,500 --> 00:08:43,375
Good man.
190
00:08:43,458 --> 00:08:45,541
[laughs]
191
00:08:45,625 --> 00:08:47,666
Whoa. Hang on, E.
192
00:08:47,750 --> 00:08:51,958
I thought this was gonna be, you know,
just you and me cruising up the coast.
193
00:08:52,041 --> 00:08:54,625
Kind of a guy's trip, as in not the...
194
00:08:54,708 --> 00:08:55,708
[growling]
195
00:08:55,791 --> 00:08:59,083
...chimp who just threatened to kill me
in three different fucking ways.
196
00:08:59,166 --> 00:09:00,166
[gibbers]
197
00:09:00,250 --> 00:09:02,458
Yeah, well, right back at you,
you furry little fuck!
198
00:09:07,083 --> 00:09:07,916
Me again.
199
00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:09,375
Oh dear Lord.
200
00:09:09,458 --> 00:09:10,818
I'd like to circle back real quick
201
00:09:10,875 --> 00:09:14,041
on something from earlier
vis-à-vis you calling me a jackass,
202
00:09:14,125 --> 00:09:16,750
and maybe walk you through
why that doesn't happen.
203
00:09:16,833 --> 00:09:19,500
Oh, I would, sweetie, but I can't
204
00:09:19,583 --> 00:09:21,125
because I don't want to.
205
00:09:22,958 --> 00:09:26,125
That probably was not
the wisest course of action.
206
00:09:26,208 --> 00:09:29,666
Spock, can I borrow your ears
for Halloween?
207
00:09:29,750 --> 00:09:32,583
This year I wanna go
as an asshole in the peanut gallery.
208
00:09:33,916 --> 00:09:35,916
[rock music]
209
00:09:40,916 --> 00:09:42,541
- Oh!
- [cackles]
210
00:09:55,916 --> 00:09:59,250
[Elvis] And to think this all started
with a kid named yours truly
211
00:09:59,333 --> 00:10:02,041
buying a seven-dollar guitar
at Tupelo Hardware.
212
00:10:02,125 --> 00:10:05,000
Good God. Guess we can go ahead
and check the healthy self-image box.
213
00:10:05,083 --> 00:10:08,125
Oh good. It's, uh... you.
214
00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:09,291
Fun outfit.
215
00:10:09,375 --> 00:10:11,125
I'm trying to blend.
216
00:10:14,791 --> 00:10:16,458
So, you're gonna tell me why I'm here?
217
00:10:16,541 --> 00:10:17,666
[CeCe inhales]
218
00:10:18,541 --> 00:10:21,666
'Cause this is starting
to feel like a waste of my time.
219
00:10:23,083 --> 00:10:26,416
And like every conversation
I've ever had with Willie Nelson.
220
00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:28,000
By the way, is he dead?
221
00:10:29,541 --> 00:10:30,750
[groans]
222
00:10:31,875 --> 00:10:33,333
- Nope.
- Okay, here's the deal.
223
00:10:33,416 --> 00:10:35,791
Some unknown bad guys
stole some TCB technology
224
00:10:35,875 --> 00:10:38,708
and may have turned it
into a sort of sonic weapon.
225
00:10:38,791 --> 00:10:41,416
The Commander thinks it might be here.
Could be dangerous.
226
00:10:41,500 --> 00:10:44,000
- Dangerous how?
- I don't know. That's all we got so far.
227
00:10:44,083 --> 00:10:45,250
That's pretty damn vague.
228
00:10:45,833 --> 00:10:47,083
Which is half the fun!
229
00:10:47,166 --> 00:10:49,125
That and the monkey
who keeps giving me pot.
230
00:10:49,208 --> 00:10:51,791
- Keep your eyes out for anything weird.
- And the jetpack?
231
00:10:51,875 --> 00:10:53,583
[laughs]
232
00:10:53,666 --> 00:10:55,125
I so knew you'd fall for that.
233
00:10:55,208 --> 00:10:56,458
Uh, yeah, there's no jetpack,
234
00:10:56,541 --> 00:10:58,958
but you do get one of these,
to stay in touch.
235
00:10:59,541 --> 00:11:01,083
Well, enjoy the show,
236
00:11:01,166 --> 00:11:05,291
which I couldn't help but notice
you were not invited to play, by the way.
237
00:11:05,375 --> 00:11:06,375
You can go now.
238
00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:09,750
The fucking diaper? Seriously?
239
00:11:11,708 --> 00:11:14,041
Not gonna wipe it off? Not even a little?
240
00:11:14,833 --> 00:11:16,750
[band playing "White Rabbit"]
241
00:11:19,250 --> 00:11:22,541
♪ One pill makes you larger ♪
242
00:11:22,625 --> 00:11:26,958
♪ And one pill makes you small ♪
243
00:11:27,041 --> 00:11:31,583
♪ And the ones that mother gives you ♪
244
00:11:31,666 --> 00:11:34,333
♪ Don't do anything at all ♪
245
00:11:34,416 --> 00:11:37,125
Yeah, no way this ends badly.
246
00:11:37,208 --> 00:11:38,333
♪ Go ask Alice ♪
247
00:11:39,833 --> 00:11:42,750
♪ When she's ten feet tall... ♪
248
00:11:42,833 --> 00:11:44,583
[gibbers]
249
00:11:45,250 --> 00:11:48,958
[sighs] Like a kid in the world's
most fucked-up candy store.
250
00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:52,958
Can you at least pretend to know
what "pacing yourself" means?
251
00:11:53,041 --> 00:11:55,750
I'm afraid not.
The transporter's inoperative,
252
00:11:56,250 --> 00:11:58,583
thanks to this drunk Scottish bastard.
253
00:11:58,666 --> 00:12:00,146
I think we got off on the wrong foot.
254
00:12:00,208 --> 00:12:02,625
Keep interrupting my damn stories!
255
00:12:02,708 --> 00:12:04,708
Man, all you got are wrong feet.
256
00:12:04,791 --> 00:12:06,833
How about this? Let me buy you a drink.
257
00:12:06,916 --> 00:12:09,166
Oh, I get it.
258
00:12:09,250 --> 00:12:10,375
- What?
- Ha!
259
00:12:10,458 --> 00:12:12,666
- You're one of those.
- Excuse me?
260
00:12:12,750 --> 00:12:16,166
A powerful man like you,
used to getting what you want.
261
00:12:16,833 --> 00:12:20,208
So you're secretly drawn
to women who crap all over you.
262
00:12:20,291 --> 00:12:21,458
I'm really not.
263
00:12:21,541 --> 00:12:22,541
Good for you, then.
264
00:12:23,208 --> 00:12:25,833
Now get your oddly-shaped head off my TV.
265
00:12:25,916 --> 00:12:26,791
[inhales sharply]
266
00:12:26,875 --> 00:12:28,083
That was hot.
267
00:12:28,166 --> 00:12:29,000
[laughs]
268
00:12:29,083 --> 00:12:30,291
Turns out I am.
269
00:12:30,375 --> 00:12:32,083
Come on. How about dinner?
270
00:12:32,166 --> 00:12:34,791
Drink, gas station popcorn. Something.
271
00:12:36,583 --> 00:12:38,958
It's about more
than just sex and drugs, man.
272
00:12:39,041 --> 00:12:42,125
You know, this whole thing, man,
it's about being free, right?
273
00:12:42,208 --> 00:12:44,916
And I mean, like, with a capital "E."
274
00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:45,833
[phone rings]
275
00:12:45,916 --> 00:12:47,041
Hold that thought, Doug.
276
00:12:47,791 --> 00:12:49,291
How's the blending going?
277
00:12:49,791 --> 00:12:51,958
[cackling] Yeah!
278
00:12:52,041 --> 00:12:53,642
- Best day ever...
- [beer bottle shatters]
279
00:12:53,666 --> 00:12:54,666
[retches]
280
00:12:55,500 --> 00:12:58,083
Yeah, my boy Doug says hi.
281
00:12:58,166 --> 00:12:59,041
Anything to report?
282
00:12:59,125 --> 00:13:02,083
[Elvis on phone] Yeah, what do you know
about the Hells Angels?
283
00:13:02,166 --> 00:13:05,416
I know I dated one when I was 19
because my mom's a dick.
284
00:13:05,500 --> 00:13:08,833
And the ones by the stage,
they're working security for free beer,
285
00:13:08,916 --> 00:13:11,625
sort of pro bono
but for raging alcoholics.
286
00:13:11,708 --> 00:13:14,583
- Not them. The fake ones.
- [CeCe] What?
287
00:13:14,666 --> 00:13:17,166
Those guys by the van
who are dressed like,
288
00:13:17,250 --> 00:13:19,958
but definitely are not, Hells Angels.
289
00:13:20,041 --> 00:13:22,059
- [CeCe] How do you know that?
- [Elvis] The jackets.
290
00:13:22,083 --> 00:13:24,416
They don't have chapter patches.
They're fake.
291
00:13:24,500 --> 00:13:25,500
[gasps]
292
00:13:25,583 --> 00:13:28,083
- Oh my God.
- [Elvis] Yeah.
293
00:13:28,166 --> 00:13:29,791
[CeCe] The Grateful Dead just got here.
294
00:13:29,875 --> 00:13:30,916
Back in a jiff.
295
00:13:31,708 --> 00:13:33,166
[Elvis] What the hell's a jiff?
296
00:13:33,250 --> 00:13:36,833
I don't know. How long it takes to meet/
maybe blow Jerry Garcia. You tell me.
297
00:13:36,916 --> 00:13:39,000
Seriously, I got plans.
298
00:13:39,083 --> 00:13:40,375
Are you calling me a liar?
299
00:13:40,458 --> 00:13:42,250
No, no. Of course not.
300
00:13:42,791 --> 00:13:44,871
Though I have machines
that can tell if you're lying.
301
00:13:44,916 --> 00:13:47,458
Even a machine that can tell
if you're thinking about lying
302
00:13:47,541 --> 00:13:49,916
but are afraid to
because it's so scary-looking.
303
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:54,208
And one that lies to itself
about being a machine.
304
00:13:54,291 --> 00:13:57,041
- But it committed suicide.
- Howard!
305
00:13:57,125 --> 00:13:58,541
[suspenseful music playing]
306
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:01,166
[grunts]
307
00:14:01,666 --> 00:14:03,166
Can't be back here, little lady.
308
00:14:03,250 --> 00:14:04,083
Says who?
309
00:14:04,166 --> 00:14:05,541
Me. [chuckles]
310
00:14:05,625 --> 00:14:06,500
Just now.
311
00:14:06,583 --> 00:14:08,708
Yeah, I didn't mean it literally, dumbass.
312
00:14:08,791 --> 00:14:11,500
It's a cliché.
You know, like, don't look now, but...
313
00:14:11,583 --> 00:14:12,625
[grunts]
314
00:14:13,875 --> 00:14:16,541
Whoa, whoa, hang on.
How'd you get past security?
315
00:14:16,625 --> 00:14:18,250
Uh, quickly. Where the hell's the band?
316
00:14:18,333 --> 00:14:20,601
- Not here yet.
- But I saw their helicopter land outside.
317
00:14:20,625 --> 00:14:23,750
Yeah, which they're currently
getting high inside of.
318
00:14:23,833 --> 00:14:25,041
- [men giggling]
- [CeCe sighs]
319
00:14:25,125 --> 00:14:27,000
[CeCe]
God, I should have been in a band.
320
00:14:28,833 --> 00:14:31,333
Sorry, pal. Off-limits back here.
321
00:14:31,416 --> 00:14:32,833
You want to try that again?
322
00:14:32,916 --> 00:14:34,291
Holy shit. Hey...
323
00:14:34,375 --> 00:14:37,500
Hey! Hey, you're Elvis Presley.
324
00:14:37,583 --> 00:14:38,583
So they tell me.
325
00:14:39,583 --> 00:14:41,463
[Mick]
All right, lady, look, you need to leave.
326
00:14:41,500 --> 00:14:43,541
Relax. Jerry and I go way back.
327
00:14:43,625 --> 00:14:45,291
Assuming recurring sex dreams count.
328
00:14:45,375 --> 00:14:47,041
- What?
- Oh my God. It's so amazing.
329
00:14:47,125 --> 00:14:50,291
Middle of the night, he breaks into
my house, he's dressed as Santa Claus.
330
00:14:50,375 --> 00:14:52,958
And then he chokes me out in my shower,
but it's in a hot way.
331
00:14:53,041 --> 00:14:56,083
You know what? You're not his type, okay?
Come on, let's go.
332
00:14:56,166 --> 00:14:58,500
Oh, he's into dudes?
That's cool. I can work with that.
333
00:14:58,583 --> 00:15:01,125
Nope. Nope. Not gonna happen.
334
00:15:01,208 --> 00:15:03,583
But if you're interested in sex
with any of the other bands,
335
00:15:03,666 --> 00:15:05,458
- you can take a number.
- Excuse me?
336
00:15:05,541 --> 00:15:07,666
I mean literally,
in the groupie trailer next door.
337
00:15:07,750 --> 00:15:10,583
[woman] The first page is a waiver.
Read it carefully.
338
00:15:10,666 --> 00:15:13,208
A "Cleveland Steamer"? Seriously?
339
00:15:13,291 --> 00:15:14,791
[laughs] Yeah.
340
00:15:14,875 --> 00:15:15,875
Not a fucking chance.
341
00:15:15,958 --> 00:15:17,958
[Mick] Sorry, lady. Rules are rules.
342
00:15:18,041 --> 00:15:21,041
I am an independent,
empowered feminist woman,
343
00:15:21,125 --> 00:15:24,791
which means I have meaningless sex
in trailers on my own terms all the time.
344
00:15:24,875 --> 00:15:27,458
I'm not sure that's what "feminist" means.
345
00:15:28,833 --> 00:15:30,541
Hey. Hey, Elvis.
346
00:15:30,625 --> 00:15:33,958
Hey, do you know
what my favorite Elvis song is?
347
00:15:34,041 --> 00:15:35,458
What? You only have one?
348
00:15:35,541 --> 00:15:37,375
[guards cackle]
349
00:15:37,458 --> 00:15:38,458
[man 1] Do I only...
350
00:15:39,416 --> 00:15:41,333
- Buddy, you're beautiful.
- What the...
351
00:15:41,416 --> 00:15:43,333
[suspenseful music playing]
352
00:15:44,875 --> 00:15:46,000
[screams]
353
00:15:47,833 --> 00:15:51,333
[Robert Goulet] ♪ Goulet, Goulet ♪
354
00:15:51,416 --> 00:15:53,125
[screams]
355
00:15:53,208 --> 00:15:55,375
Scatter, 86 that bald prick!
356
00:15:55,458 --> 00:15:56,500
[both grunt]
357
00:15:59,708 --> 00:16:01,708
[rock music playing]
358
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:05,375
[feedback squeals]
359
00:16:06,125 --> 00:16:07,625
[all scream]
360
00:16:07,708 --> 00:16:08,916
[cheering]
361
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:10,708
[feedback droning]
362
00:16:12,666 --> 00:16:13,666
[Scatter shrieks]
363
00:16:15,541 --> 00:16:16,625
[grunts]
364
00:16:21,375 --> 00:16:22,250
[growls]
365
00:16:22,333 --> 00:16:24,083
[all howling]
366
00:16:24,166 --> 00:16:25,291
[snarling]
367
00:16:25,375 --> 00:16:26,750
Still a big fan, I hope.
368
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:33,083
Destroy that damn thing, Scatter!
369
00:16:35,833 --> 00:16:37,250
[grunts]
370
00:16:41,666 --> 00:16:42,666
[Scatter groans]
371
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:45,791
- [indistinct radio chatter]
- Uh-huh.
372
00:16:45,875 --> 00:16:46,708
Okay.
373
00:16:46,791 --> 00:16:48,711
All right, the band's on their way.
You gotta go.
374
00:16:48,750 --> 00:16:50,976
- Way ahead of you, loser.
- Groupie trailer to the right.
375
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:54,250
- Have a good time. Knock yourself out.
- I'd rather choke on a pile of dicks.
376
00:16:54,333 --> 00:16:56,791
That's actually in the waiver, by the way.
377
00:16:57,958 --> 00:16:59,333
[man screams]
378
00:16:59,416 --> 00:17:01,166
- What...
- The hell?
379
00:17:01,250 --> 00:17:03,458
[moaning]
380
00:17:03,541 --> 00:17:04,666
[motorcycle engines revving]
381
00:17:06,541 --> 00:17:07,875
[tires squealing]
382
00:17:11,125 --> 00:17:13,375
That dude was harshing the vibe here, man.
383
00:17:13,458 --> 00:17:15,041
And that's not cool.
384
00:17:15,125 --> 00:17:17,500
You know, you and your buddies
may not have a fucking clue,
385
00:17:17,583 --> 00:17:20,333
or own pants, apparently,
but you're all right.
386
00:17:21,125 --> 00:17:22,333
[groans softly]
387
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:28,208
Anyone ever tell you
you kind of look like Elvis...
388
00:17:31,708 --> 00:17:32,833
[snarling]
389
00:17:33,791 --> 00:17:34,791
[woman screams]
390
00:17:39,500 --> 00:17:41,041
What do you think you're doing?
391
00:17:41,125 --> 00:17:43,166
Oh, we're making
a documentary about the show.
392
00:17:43,250 --> 00:17:45,583
No, idiot. I mean,
catching me on my bad side.
393
00:17:45,666 --> 00:17:47,791
[Scatter whimpering]
394
00:17:47,875 --> 00:17:50,541
Whoa, someone looks like absolute shit.
395
00:17:50,625 --> 00:17:51,916
Where's the old man?
396
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:53,458
[gunfire]
397
00:17:55,041 --> 00:17:56,666
- [woman shrieking]
- Huh.
398
00:18:00,250 --> 00:18:01,500
[rings]
399
00:18:03,083 --> 00:18:03,958
What are you doing?
400
00:18:04,041 --> 00:18:06,291
Talking on a phone
that smells like Scatter's junk
401
00:18:06,375 --> 00:18:08,083
and trying to do both our jobs.
402
00:18:08,166 --> 00:18:09,083
Now, you mind?
403
00:18:09,166 --> 00:18:10,750
- [dial tone buzzing]
- Shit.
404
00:18:10,833 --> 00:18:12,125
- Hey.
- [snoring]
405
00:18:12,208 --> 00:18:13,583
Hey, Bobby Ray. Wake up.
406
00:18:13,666 --> 00:18:14,791
Wake up!
407
00:18:16,083 --> 00:18:18,000
Oh man, this is gonna be so cool.
408
00:18:19,791 --> 00:18:21,250
Ah! Ah!
409
00:18:21,333 --> 00:18:22,916
What the fuck? What the fuck?
410
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:26,500
You want to tell me why there's a needle
the size of a fucking ninja sword
411
00:18:26,583 --> 00:18:27,708
sticking out of my head?
412
00:18:28,833 --> 00:18:29,916
Not really.
413
00:18:30,625 --> 00:18:31,833
You flown one of these before?
414
00:18:31,916 --> 00:18:35,291
No, but this thing's just
an upside-down riding lawn mower.
415
00:18:35,375 --> 00:18:36,375
I got this.
416
00:18:37,750 --> 00:18:39,000
[door slides closed]
417
00:18:40,125 --> 00:18:40,958
Who are you again?
418
00:18:41,041 --> 00:18:42,416
I'm George. George Lucas.
419
00:18:42,500 --> 00:18:44,500
Okay. What are you doing?
420
00:18:44,583 --> 00:18:48,166
It's gone full-on insane out there,
so I'm hiding out here.
421
00:18:48,250 --> 00:18:49,250
Uh-huh.
422
00:18:49,333 --> 00:18:53,625
Well, George, from a safety standpoint,
I'm not sure you improved your lot.
423
00:18:55,625 --> 00:18:57,583
Yeah. Yeah. The lady may have a point.
424
00:19:00,958 --> 00:19:01,958
[tires screech]
425
00:19:12,625 --> 00:19:14,375
Time to mow the fucking lawn.
426
00:19:14,458 --> 00:19:15,458
Woo-hoo!
427
00:19:16,916 --> 00:19:18,916
Stay on target.
428
00:19:19,500 --> 00:19:21,000
- [blades slicing]
- [men screaming]
429
00:19:21,791 --> 00:19:22,791
[grunts]
430
00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:29,666
[car horns honking]
431
00:19:30,625 --> 00:19:32,541
[truck horn blares]
432
00:19:35,458 --> 00:19:36,583
- [gunshot]
- Ah!
433
00:19:36,666 --> 00:19:38,291
[Bobby Ray] Hey, E! Here you go!
434
00:19:45,166 --> 00:19:47,291
- [electricity crackles]
- [man screams]
435
00:19:50,458 --> 00:19:52,166
Huh. Look at that.
436
00:19:52,250 --> 00:19:54,208
Looks like some kind of laser sword.
437
00:19:54,291 --> 00:19:55,708
More like a lightsaber.
438
00:19:55,791 --> 00:19:57,333
Yeah, that works too.
439
00:19:57,416 --> 00:19:58,875
[car horn blares]
440
00:20:01,291 --> 00:20:02,791
[sighs] Damn it.
441
00:20:03,458 --> 00:20:04,458
Here, hold this.
442
00:20:09,375 --> 00:20:10,916
[both scream]
443
00:20:12,708 --> 00:20:14,708
[yells]
444
00:20:20,541 --> 00:20:21,541
[panting]
445
00:20:21,583 --> 00:20:23,125
The missions always like this?
446
00:20:23,625 --> 00:20:24,666
Only the good ones.
447
00:20:25,208 --> 00:20:26,833
[The Commander, scoffing]
You know, well,
448
00:20:26,916 --> 00:20:29,000
hey, either way,
hope you have a good time tonight.
449
00:20:29,083 --> 00:20:30,583
Oh, I plan to.
450
00:20:30,666 --> 00:20:33,916
Okay, yeah. Well, but somehow
I doubt your dinner date will have
451
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:37,416
the commanding and compelling
presence of, you know, yours truly.
452
00:20:37,500 --> 00:20:38,416
[doorbell rings]
453
00:20:38,500 --> 00:20:39,583
[chuckles] Wanna bet?
454
00:20:42,958 --> 00:20:44,875
Oh, you gotta be fucking kidding me.
455
00:20:44,958 --> 00:20:46,333
Captain Kirk? For real?
456
00:20:49,750 --> 00:20:51,333
[Scatter gibbering]
457
00:20:51,416 --> 00:20:53,016
[Captain Kirk]
Hey, Elvis. How you doing?
458
00:20:53,083 --> 00:20:54,083
Not now, Kirk.
459
00:20:54,875 --> 00:20:56,250
[phone line ringing]
460
00:20:56,333 --> 00:20:58,642
- [The Commander, on phone] What?
- Well, you're in a mood.
461
00:20:58,666 --> 00:21:00,500
- Fucking Kirk.
- What are you talking about?
462
00:21:00,583 --> 00:21:03,041
- How'd it go?
- Elvis tracked down that sonic weapon,
463
00:21:03,125 --> 00:21:05,541
which makes people go fucking insane,
by the way.
464
00:21:05,625 --> 00:21:06,791
Where's the device?
465
00:21:06,875 --> 00:21:08,500
- Bottom of the ocean.
- [sighs]
466
00:21:08,583 --> 00:21:11,291
Well, this day just keeps
turning to shit, doesn't it?
467
00:21:11,875 --> 00:21:13,458
Doyle! Come get a beating.
468
00:21:13,958 --> 00:21:15,083
[Doyle] My pleasure, sir.
469
00:21:16,208 --> 00:21:18,916
[upbeat rockabilly music playing]