1
00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:14,083
[suspenseful music playing]
2
00:00:14,166 --> 00:00:15,166
[Elvis] I'm listening.
3
00:00:16,666 --> 00:00:17,500
[man, on phone] Good.
4
00:00:17,583 --> 00:00:20,000
Be at the Griffith Observatory
in 30 minutes.
5
00:00:20,083 --> 00:00:21,500
Come alone.
6
00:00:25,166 --> 00:00:26,541
[car engine revs]
7
00:00:27,500 --> 00:00:28,791
[ignition shuts off]
8
00:00:28,875 --> 00:00:30,583
[car doors open and close]
9
00:00:33,708 --> 00:00:35,166
[man, on phone] Go to the gift shop.
10
00:00:35,250 --> 00:00:38,458
Buy a snow globe,
a keychain, and a cherry Blow Pop.
11
00:00:38,541 --> 00:00:40,666
- [Elvis] Blow Pop?
- [man] Just do it.
12
00:00:41,291 --> 00:00:44,250
Then go to the far left elevator
and take it to the basement.
13
00:00:45,125 --> 00:00:46,333
I'd take the next one.
14
00:00:51,375 --> 00:00:53,458
[computerized voice] Welcome, Mr. Presley.
15
00:00:56,666 --> 00:00:57,666
[dings]
16
00:01:00,083 --> 00:01:01,250
You're late, Mr. Presley.
17
00:01:01,333 --> 00:01:02,916
Well, it's a hell of a commute.
18
00:01:03,416 --> 00:01:05,166
And eight bucks for a snow globe?
19
00:01:05,250 --> 00:01:07,625
Yeah. We make a killing off that stuff.
20
00:01:07,708 --> 00:01:11,791
By the way, not really
what I was picturing for a headquarters.
21
00:01:11,875 --> 00:01:13,958
Oh, this? No, this is just the room
22
00:01:14,041 --> 00:01:17,333
where we murder people
who try to break into the headquarters.
23
00:01:17,416 --> 00:01:20,083
You have a problem
with our methods, Agent King?
24
00:01:21,583 --> 00:01:24,875
Well, believe it or not,
I don't really like being called "King."
25
00:01:24,958 --> 00:01:27,833
[laughs] Well, it's a little late
for that kind of input,
26
00:01:27,916 --> 00:01:29,833
because I already made this.
27
00:01:29,916 --> 00:01:31,250
[suspenseful music playing]
28
00:01:31,333 --> 00:01:33,666
It's out of my hands.
The sticker makes it official.
29
00:01:38,791 --> 00:01:40,791
[dramatic music playing]
30
00:01:42,250 --> 00:01:44,708
Yeah. Shocked silence. That's right.
31
00:01:46,166 --> 00:01:48,250
Welcome to TCB Headquarters.
32
00:01:48,333 --> 00:01:50,708
[ominous music playing]
33
00:01:54,416 --> 00:01:56,250
[feedback squeals]
34
00:01:58,416 --> 00:02:01,500
This is the beating heart of TCB.
35
00:02:01,583 --> 00:02:03,833
From here, we operate in the shadows.
36
00:02:03,916 --> 00:02:05,208
Mm-hmm.
37
00:02:05,875 --> 00:02:07,750
That's pretty damn big shadows.
38
00:02:07,833 --> 00:02:09,916
[The Commander] Yeah, she's a beaut.
39
00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:13,000
Ten stories beneath the Hollywood sign,
impervious to nukes,
40
00:02:13,083 --> 00:02:15,541
and completely fireproof
thanks to the asbestos,
41
00:02:15,625 --> 00:02:18,666
which we recently learned
was a poor choice.
42
00:02:18,750 --> 00:02:19,583
Problem?
43
00:02:19,666 --> 00:02:22,458
Nah! Not for about 40 years,
which would put you in your seventies,
44
00:02:22,541 --> 00:02:24,583
and who wants to live forever, am I right?
45
00:02:24,666 --> 00:02:26,625
We call this the Eye.
46
00:02:26,708 --> 00:02:28,708
From here, we watch the world.
47
00:02:28,791 --> 00:02:30,666
Just yesterday, I watched H Chí Minh
48
00:02:30,750 --> 00:02:33,583
order an off-menu fish entrée
at a bistro in Hanoi.
49
00:02:33,666 --> 00:02:35,708
Well, that's, uh, pretty specific.
50
00:02:35,791 --> 00:02:37,125
So was he, actually.
51
00:02:38,625 --> 00:02:40,833
And here's our weapons testing range.
52
00:02:41,375 --> 00:02:44,166
Speaking of,
watch out for these blast doors.
53
00:02:44,250 --> 00:02:46,041
They'll cut a toe clean off.
54
00:02:46,125 --> 00:02:48,351
- Gregory Peck learned that the hard way.
- [alarm blaring]
55
00:02:48,375 --> 00:02:49,583
Twice, actually.
56
00:02:50,125 --> 00:02:52,125
Turns out he's kind of a moron.
57
00:02:52,958 --> 00:02:55,517
- [Elvis] What the hell is that?
- [The Commander] Good eye, cowboy.
58
00:02:55,541 --> 00:02:57,041
We call that the Pit.
59
00:02:57,125 --> 00:02:58,875
No roughhousing near that thing.
60
00:02:58,958 --> 00:03:00,583
Lost a few guys last month.
61
00:03:00,666 --> 00:03:02,041
Well, you could put a cover on it.
62
00:03:02,125 --> 00:03:04,833
[laughs] Put a cov... Put a cover?
63
00:03:04,916 --> 00:03:06,500
Then why even have one?
64
00:03:06,583 --> 00:03:09,250
[loud whooshing]
65
00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:11,291
What the hell was that?
66
00:03:12,708 --> 00:03:14,125
[The Commander] Fucking Robert.
67
00:03:14,625 --> 00:03:19,083
So, I assume I've got an office
around here somewhere, Commander?
68
00:03:19,166 --> 00:03:20,583
- Uh, not yet.
- Good.
69
00:03:21,166 --> 00:03:22,916
Then we can get it right the first time.
70
00:03:23,416 --> 00:03:24,916
Gonna need something big.
71
00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:26,500
Uh, your office will probably do.
72
00:03:26,583 --> 00:03:28,541
I'm also gonna need a TV budget.
73
00:03:28,625 --> 00:03:30,583
Mine tend to get shot a whole bunch.
74
00:03:30,666 --> 00:03:32,375
- And speaking of guns...
- Uh, know what?
75
00:03:32,458 --> 00:03:35,791
That's something you should
probably take up with your supervisor.
76
00:03:35,875 --> 00:03:37,083
Uh...
77
00:03:37,166 --> 00:03:38,083
[laughs]
78
00:03:38,166 --> 00:03:39,000
My what?
79
00:03:39,083 --> 00:03:41,083
[man's voice]
Did you bring the Blow Pop?
80
00:03:41,958 --> 00:03:43,166
Nice!
81
00:03:43,750 --> 00:03:45,470
[altered man's voice]
Creepy as shit, right?
82
00:03:45,500 --> 00:03:49,166
Mr. Presley, say hello
to your Agent in Charge.
83
00:03:49,250 --> 00:03:51,250
[giggles] This is gonna be fun.
84
00:03:51,333 --> 00:03:54,208
Yeah... Not gonna happen.
85
00:03:54,791 --> 00:03:56,750
Aw. Sad face.
86
00:03:56,833 --> 00:03:58,666
Oh, she being in charge of me?
87
00:03:59,250 --> 00:04:00,083
Ha!
88
00:04:00,166 --> 00:04:01,666
Gonna pretend I didn't hear that.
89
00:04:01,750 --> 00:04:03,916
Mm, that's a good one.
I do that all the time too.
90
00:04:05,500 --> 00:04:07,083
You gonna sit? For the briefing?
91
00:04:07,166 --> 00:04:08,958
Not really my style.
92
00:04:09,041 --> 00:04:10,166
Easier to take notes.
93
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:11,791
Also not my style.
94
00:04:11,875 --> 00:04:14,458
[CeCe]
Seems like a weirdly stubborn style.
95
00:04:14,541 --> 00:04:15,625
Now you're getting it.
96
00:04:15,708 --> 00:04:17,458
I don't enjoy public speaking.
97
00:04:17,541 --> 00:04:21,125
I've been told, however,
picturing your audience naked can help.
98
00:04:21,625 --> 00:04:22,916
So...
99
00:04:26,833 --> 00:04:28,291
[chuckles]
100
00:04:29,041 --> 00:04:30,166
Problem?
101
00:04:30,250 --> 00:04:31,416
Not anymore.
102
00:04:31,500 --> 00:04:33,125
So, down to business.
103
00:04:33,208 --> 00:04:36,208
We gonna talk about that shitshow
that went down at Altamont?
104
00:04:36,291 --> 00:04:38,750
- Later.
- Because that device you sent us to find
105
00:04:38,833 --> 00:04:40,625
turned that concert into a bloodbath.
106
00:04:40,708 --> 00:04:43,666
Jesus. People bleed, okay?
No time for that right now.
107
00:04:43,750 --> 00:04:45,125
We have a bit of an emergency.
108
00:04:45,208 --> 00:04:48,208
A file that threatens
to expose the existence of TCB
109
00:04:48,291 --> 00:04:50,166
has fallen into enemy hands.
110
00:04:50,250 --> 00:04:51,625
You two are gonna get it back.
111
00:04:51,708 --> 00:04:54,500
Piece of cake.
Ooh, that sounds good. Yes, please.
112
00:04:54,583 --> 00:04:57,625
[The Commander] And we need to get
the file before this asshole reads it.
113
00:04:57,708 --> 00:05:01,125
Huh. Okay. Slightly trickier cake.
114
00:05:01,208 --> 00:05:04,750
Now I'm gonna assume that
you just got your slides swapped here,
115
00:05:04,833 --> 00:05:09,125
and you just didn't insult the President
of the greatest country in the world.
116
00:05:09,208 --> 00:05:10,083
What, Costa Rica?
117
00:05:10,166 --> 00:05:11,750
I'm partial to Portugal.
118
00:05:11,833 --> 00:05:15,000
In any case, at 1600 hours and 32 minutes,
119
00:05:15,083 --> 00:05:18,458
that file will land on Nixon's desk
in his private residence.
120
00:05:18,541 --> 00:05:20,708
You two need to get it before he does.
121
00:05:20,791 --> 00:05:22,083
Heh. Uh-huh.
122
00:05:22,166 --> 00:05:23,000
[chuckles]
123
00:05:23,083 --> 00:05:25,291
And by "get it," you mean
"break into the White House"?
124
00:05:25,375 --> 00:05:28,708
Yeah, fuck, break in, blow up, freeze ray.
You know, work out the details.
125
00:05:28,791 --> 00:05:30,166
It's not gonna happen, ace.
126
00:05:30,750 --> 00:05:33,041
And you're not gonna
change my mind with a stare.
127
00:05:33,541 --> 00:05:35,458
Oh no, sorry, I...
128
00:05:35,541 --> 00:05:38,125
I was just trying to remember
who you remind me of naked.
129
00:05:38,208 --> 00:05:39,958
- What?
- Loving the weird energy right now.
130
00:05:40,041 --> 00:05:41,125
[speakerphone buzzes]
131
00:05:41,208 --> 00:05:43,041
[woman, on phone]
Sir, we have a situation.
132
00:05:43,125 --> 00:05:44,291
Words. Go.
133
00:05:44,958 --> 00:05:47,875
Yeah, well, there's a tiny chance
there's part of a finger in it,
134
00:05:47,958 --> 00:05:49,000
so you're gonna have to...
135
00:05:49,083 --> 00:05:52,416
How the fuck should I know why
a chocolate volcano overflows? It should...
136
00:05:52,500 --> 00:05:54,083
It should be fucking finger-proof!
137
00:05:54,166 --> 00:05:59,291
I don't have a goddamn PhD
in fucking chocolate volcanos!
138
00:05:59,375 --> 00:06:01,208
Oh yeah? Well, you know what?
139
00:06:01,291 --> 00:06:03,476
I'm gonna come over there
and rip your fucking dick off,
140
00:06:03,500 --> 00:06:05,000
shove it in the top of the volcano,
141
00:06:05,083 --> 00:06:07,083
then we're gonna see
how this goddamn thing goes...
142
00:06:07,125 --> 00:06:07,958
Hang on a second.
143
00:06:08,041 --> 00:06:10,708
Why are you guys still here?
Please go do what I asked you.
144
00:06:10,791 --> 00:06:13,875
Uh, listen up, Commander.
I'm not stealing from the President.
145
00:06:13,958 --> 00:06:15,958
It's not stealing if it's not his.
146
00:06:16,041 --> 00:06:19,041
Same way it's not murder
if you do it with your eyes closed.
147
00:06:19,125 --> 00:06:20,125
Now go.
148
00:06:21,041 --> 00:06:25,083
Sinatra. Naked, Sinatra.
Neck down, you're Sinatra. That's it.
149
00:06:26,541 --> 00:06:28,458
- [electricity crackling]
- [door opens]
150
00:06:28,541 --> 00:06:30,375
Ugh, what do you want?
151
00:06:30,458 --> 00:06:32,000
[CeCe] Uh, bad time?
152
00:06:32,083 --> 00:06:36,791
Uh, not if your lungs are impervious
to DNA-altering nanobots.
153
00:06:36,875 --> 00:06:38,250
Let's pretend they aren't.
154
00:06:38,333 --> 00:06:42,416
Then I'd pretend to make it very quick
and only breathe out.
155
00:06:42,500 --> 00:06:44,666
Okay. Anyway, got a mission. Set us up?
156
00:06:44,750 --> 00:06:45,875
Ooh!
157
00:06:45,958 --> 00:06:49,541
So, what'll it be?
Shooters? Melters? Exploders?
158
00:06:49,625 --> 00:06:53,750
Ooh, we got some new screamers in.
Or if you're feeling a little more...
159
00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:56,916
hands-on?
160
00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:58,708
It's a non-lethal mission, Howard.
161
00:06:58,791 --> 00:07:02,416
Well, why didn't you say so?
I would've completely tuned you out.
162
00:07:02,500 --> 00:07:04,208
I can turn off my ears, you know.
163
00:07:04,291 --> 00:07:07,208
Experiment gone wrong. Or... right.
164
00:07:07,291 --> 00:07:09,125
- Howard, just...
- [Howard] Ugh, fine.
165
00:07:09,208 --> 00:07:11,125
Ooh! Wait! New idea.
166
00:07:11,208 --> 00:07:12,768
Have you seen the new tranquilizer gun?
167
00:07:13,291 --> 00:07:17,291
Metal detectors don't pick it up,
and it causes total memory loss.
168
00:07:17,375 --> 00:07:18,750
Ow! Shit!
169
00:07:19,333 --> 00:07:20,916
Goddamn!
170
00:07:21,416 --> 00:07:23,208
Ugh! What do you two want?
171
00:07:24,583 --> 00:07:26,916
Okay. Guess we're off to DC.
172
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:30,333
Yep. And your flight
leaves LAX in an hour.
173
00:07:30,916 --> 00:07:32,583
[Elvis] Well, now, hang on a second.
174
00:07:33,083 --> 00:07:36,708
Don't you have some kind
of badass spy plane that we can use?
175
00:07:36,791 --> 00:07:38,751
Of course we do.
Don't be stupid. I'll be on that.
176
00:07:38,833 --> 00:07:42,458
But the Commander wants us to keep up
appearances, so you'll be flying...
177
00:07:42,541 --> 00:07:44,541
[baby crying]
178
00:07:45,416 --> 00:07:46,791
[man coughing]
179
00:07:48,708 --> 00:07:50,708
[crowd shouting angrily]
180
00:07:52,750 --> 00:07:53,583
Wait a minute.
181
00:07:53,666 --> 00:07:58,416
So, you want me to help you break into
the second-greatest home in America,
182
00:07:58,500 --> 00:08:00,916
and I don't even get
any kickass spy gadgets?
183
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:02,083
Come on, CeCe.
184
00:08:02,166 --> 00:08:03,833
Look, I signed for the tranq gun,
185
00:08:03,916 --> 00:08:06,291
and the paperwork trolls
are so anal it's weird.
186
00:08:07,500 --> 00:08:08,666
Fine.
187
00:08:08,750 --> 00:08:09,750
Here. Take this.
188
00:08:09,791 --> 00:08:12,833
There we go, there we go,
there we go, there we go.
189
00:08:12,916 --> 00:08:14,583
[laughs]
190
00:08:14,666 --> 00:08:17,166
Now we're cookin', CeCe with an E.
What's it do?
191
00:08:17,250 --> 00:08:19,010
How the fuck should I know?
I didn't make it.
192
00:08:19,041 --> 00:08:20,125
[Bobby Ray] Say cheese!
193
00:08:20,208 --> 00:08:22,250
- [camera snaps]
- [Elvis] Yeah. Okay.
194
00:08:22,333 --> 00:08:25,458
Maybe a few less photos
of our secret spy mission, buddy.
195
00:08:25,541 --> 00:08:28,583
Uh-huh, which those two are not coming on.
196
00:08:28,666 --> 00:08:30,416
Bobby Ray is my right hand.
197
00:08:30,500 --> 00:08:33,000
And Scatter's a grenade in my other hand.
198
00:08:33,083 --> 00:08:35,791
If I'm on the mission, they are too.
199
00:08:35,875 --> 00:08:37,416
Yeah, okay, just keep Nixon busy
200
00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:39,541
while I fake-join
a tour group and grab the file.
201
00:08:39,625 --> 00:08:41,500
Hang on. A tour? Can I do that?
202
00:08:41,583 --> 00:08:43,708
Nope. But how about the next best thing?
203
00:08:44,375 --> 00:08:47,250
Howard shoved that disaster in my bag
when he heard we were coming here.
204
00:08:47,333 --> 00:08:49,000
Hot damn, it's also an audiobook!
205
00:08:49,083 --> 00:08:51,166
Yeah. He said it would blow your mind.
206
00:08:51,250 --> 00:08:54,166
Which, knowing Howard, might mean
literally, so I'd be careful with that.
207
00:08:54,916 --> 00:08:56,396
- [beeps]
- [CeCe] Well, your funeral.
208
00:08:56,458 --> 00:08:58,125
Now are you sure you can get to Nixon?
209
00:08:58,208 --> 00:09:00,333
An idea or two, mostly along the lines of...
210
00:09:01,916 --> 00:09:04,416
Elvis Presley, to see the President.
211
00:09:06,458 --> 00:09:07,583
Okay, that was pretty cool.
212
00:09:07,666 --> 00:09:09,476
- [metal detector beeps]
- [agent] Sorry, Elvis.
213
00:09:09,500 --> 00:09:11,958
I-I'm a giant fan, I really am,
214
00:09:12,041 --> 00:09:13,416
but you can't take this in.
215
00:09:13,500 --> 00:09:15,833
But it's a gift. For the President.
216
00:09:15,916 --> 00:09:17,041
The President? Really?
217
00:09:17,125 --> 00:09:20,208
Well, as soon
as you get me a cool box for it, it is.
218
00:09:20,291 --> 00:09:24,208
Oh, wait, then I know there's
a really cool box in the Lincoln Bedroom.
219
00:09:24,291 --> 00:09:25,291
Works for me, friend.
220
00:09:25,333 --> 00:09:26,625
Yes, sir!
221
00:09:28,625 --> 00:09:30,767
You got to be fucking kidding me.
That actually worked?
222
00:09:30,791 --> 00:09:31,916
[chuckles]
223
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:33,916
You're in my world now.
224
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:37,500
Which apparently includes
one very stupid Secret Service agent.
225
00:09:38,291 --> 00:09:39,416
[camera snaps]
226
00:09:39,500 --> 00:09:41,851
[Howard, over recording]
Hi, and welcome to the White House,
227
00:09:41,875 --> 00:09:45,416
a structure that was stolen
brick-by-brick from France,
228
00:09:45,500 --> 00:09:49,000
and then reassembled in reverse
so no one would notice.
229
00:09:49,083 --> 00:09:50,250
What?
230
00:09:50,333 --> 00:09:53,375
By now you should be passing
the Roosevelt Room,
231
00:09:53,458 --> 00:09:55,666
named after President Teddy Roosevelt,
232
00:09:55,750 --> 00:10:00,166
who himself was named after the bear
that ate his mother and then raised him.
233
00:10:00,250 --> 00:10:03,250
Hey, E! Room's named after a bear,
by the way.
234
00:10:03,333 --> 00:10:06,708
I get that you want him on the mission,
but does he have to be on the comms?
235
00:10:06,791 --> 00:10:08,458
Hey, you gave him the book.
236
00:10:08,541 --> 00:10:09,666
Take away his earpiece.
237
00:10:09,750 --> 00:10:11,125
I don't think I will.
238
00:10:11,208 --> 00:10:13,416
Not your call. I'm the Agent in Charge.
239
00:10:13,500 --> 00:10:15,625
Then charge on over and handle it.
240
00:10:15,708 --> 00:10:17,767
[CeCe, over radio]
I need you focused on the mission.
241
00:10:17,791 --> 00:10:18,916
Who, yours or mine?
242
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:20,583
It's the same mission!
243
00:10:20,666 --> 00:10:22,041
Wrong.
244
00:10:22,125 --> 00:10:23,833
You see, you're here to steal.
245
00:10:23,916 --> 00:10:27,625
I'm here to prove
that Nixon is tied with yours truly
246
00:10:27,708 --> 00:10:29,625
for the World's Greatest American.
247
00:10:29,708 --> 00:10:33,083
Spoiler alert,
the guy actually completely sucks balls.
248
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:35,791
Get ready to be wrong one more time.
249
00:10:35,875 --> 00:10:37,208
[Nixon] Mr. Presley.
250
00:10:38,208 --> 00:10:40,458
It's an absolute honor to meet you, sir.
251
00:10:40,541 --> 00:10:41,708
[CeCe] Ugh, gross.
252
00:10:41,791 --> 00:10:44,958
Mr. President, honor is all mine, sir.
253
00:10:45,041 --> 00:10:46,958
You are truly a great American.
254
00:10:47,041 --> 00:10:47,958
[Nixon] Oh, thank you.
255
00:10:48,041 --> 00:10:50,416
[CeCe] Couldn't quite hear that last part,
but just curious.
256
00:10:50,500 --> 00:10:53,041
What's the view like fully up his ass?
257
00:10:56,166 --> 00:10:58,125
[Howard] Completed in 1909,
258
00:10:58,208 --> 00:11:01,625
the Oval Office was designed
by a guy named Brian,
259
00:11:01,708 --> 00:11:05,125
who believed all right angles
were a sign of the apocalypse.
260
00:11:05,208 --> 00:11:06,416
Which they are.
261
00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:11,000
Total fucking idiot.
What a bunch of bullshit.
262
00:11:12,375 --> 00:11:14,708
Which is why it's called the East Room.
263
00:11:16,291 --> 00:11:18,125
Excuse me. Where's the bathroom?
264
00:11:18,208 --> 00:11:20,250
Oh, bathrooms are at the end of this tour.
265
00:11:20,333 --> 00:11:21,500
Mm.
266
00:11:21,583 --> 00:11:26,541
Look, I kind of had a half-eaten burrito
I found behind my hotel for breakfast.
267
00:11:26,625 --> 00:11:29,375
- Ew, that's disgusting.
- Yeah. Yeah.
268
00:11:29,458 --> 00:11:32,658
Wait till you see it. You're about to if
you don't tell me where the bathroom is.
269
00:11:32,708 --> 00:11:34,041
Down the hall to your right.
270
00:11:34,125 --> 00:11:35,416
Cool. Back in a jiff.
271
00:11:36,041 --> 00:11:38,208
["Rubberneckin'" by Elvis Presley playing]
272
00:11:42,791 --> 00:11:45,750
♪ Stop, look, and listen, baby ♪
273
00:11:45,833 --> 00:11:48,083
♪ That's my philosophy ♪
274
00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:52,750
♪ It's called rubberneckin', baby ♪
275
00:11:52,833 --> 00:11:54,166
- [stomach gurgles]
- Oh God.
276
00:11:54,250 --> 00:11:56,041
I really shouldn't have
eaten that burrito.
277
00:11:56,125 --> 00:11:59,291
♪ Stop, look, and listen, baby ♪
278
00:11:59,375 --> 00:12:01,791
♪ That's my philosophy ♪
279
00:12:03,083 --> 00:12:06,166
♪ It's called rubberneckin', baby ♪
280
00:12:06,250 --> 00:12:08,666
♪ But that's all right with me ♪
281
00:12:08,750 --> 00:12:09,958
[song ends abruptly]
282
00:12:10,041 --> 00:12:15,125
Yeah. And all those Secret Service morons
just let him in, gun and all.
283
00:12:15,875 --> 00:12:17,250
[man] Boss seems fine with him.
284
00:12:17,875 --> 00:12:19,708
[gasps and pants]
285
00:12:19,791 --> 00:12:22,166
Thanks. Wait, how did you get in here?
286
00:12:22,875 --> 00:12:23,875
[uncertain groan]
287
00:12:26,291 --> 00:12:28,000
[inhales and coughs]
288
00:12:33,958 --> 00:12:34,958
[grunts]
289
00:12:35,041 --> 00:12:36,875
Well, this has been great.
290
00:12:36,958 --> 00:12:39,250
I must say
it's been my honor, Mr. President.
291
00:12:39,333 --> 00:12:42,791
But, unfortunately, I've got to head
to the residence and read some...
292
00:12:42,875 --> 00:12:44,041
Whoa, whoa. Not yet.
293
00:12:44,583 --> 00:12:46,208
I mean, I almost forgot.
294
00:12:46,291 --> 00:12:47,291
[snaps fingers]
295
00:12:47,625 --> 00:12:49,875
You see, I, uh...
I brought you something, sir.
296
00:12:49,958 --> 00:12:52,125
[Nixon] Oh. It's magnificent.
297
00:12:52,708 --> 00:12:55,875
I bet I could take down a drug-dealing
hippie from 50 yards with this baby.
298
00:12:55,958 --> 00:12:58,458
- Technically, you could take down seven.
- [laughs]
299
00:12:58,541 --> 00:13:00,541
That's the dream. Thank you.
300
00:13:00,625 --> 00:13:05,166
For all you've done to restore
security to this country, Mr. President,
301
00:13:05,250 --> 00:13:07,333
you, sir, have earned it.
302
00:13:07,416 --> 00:13:09,708
Hey, check this out. Gun!
303
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:12,916
[yells]
304
00:13:13,791 --> 00:13:15,017
- [bones crack]
- [punches land]
305
00:13:15,041 --> 00:13:16,458
[cackles]
306
00:13:16,541 --> 00:13:18,875
I'm just fucking with you boys.
307
00:13:20,833 --> 00:13:21,833
[groans]
308
00:13:23,416 --> 00:13:24,833
That's a good one, Mr. President.
309
00:13:24,916 --> 00:13:26,666
[CeCe] Yeah. What a charmer.
310
00:13:27,375 --> 00:13:29,125
Damn it. This hallway should be empty.
311
00:13:29,208 --> 00:13:31,416
But of course
Nixon has private security douchebags.
312
00:13:31,500 --> 00:13:33,791
[sighs] We gotta get past those guys.
313
00:13:33,875 --> 00:13:36,500
Wait, what are you doing?
Are you stealing?
314
00:13:36,583 --> 00:13:39,416
- [innocent grunt]
- Don't worry. I steal too. All the time.
315
00:13:39,500 --> 00:13:40,875
I just call it "souveniring."
316
00:13:40,958 --> 00:13:42,517
It's all about the branding these days.
317
00:13:42,541 --> 00:13:45,291
- [footsteps]
- Shit. Need a Plan B, fast.
318
00:13:45,375 --> 00:13:46,583
[gibbering]
319
00:13:47,750 --> 00:13:49,750
[funky suspense music playing]
320
00:13:51,291 --> 00:13:52,291
[Scatter yells]
321
00:13:54,208 --> 00:13:55,833
[beckoning grunts]
322
00:13:58,500 --> 00:14:01,458
Well, one great gift deserves another.
323
00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:03,875
I understand you like badges.
324
00:14:05,166 --> 00:14:07,583
Federal Narcotics Officer.
325
00:14:07,666 --> 00:14:11,250
Just flash that baby if any staties
give you trouble on the highway.
326
00:14:11,333 --> 00:14:12,333
Wow.
327
00:14:12,416 --> 00:14:14,208
I absolutely love it, sir.
328
00:14:14,291 --> 00:14:18,666
What a generous, awesome,
great-guy thing to do, Mr. President.
329
00:14:18,750 --> 00:14:22,375
It's an incredibly irresponsible
abuse of power, but sure, why not?
330
00:14:22,458 --> 00:14:25,000
You know, a few really stupid people
331
00:14:25,083 --> 00:14:27,750
don't realize
what a great American you are, sir.
332
00:14:27,833 --> 00:14:29,708
Little busy here,
so if you can distract him
333
00:14:29,791 --> 00:14:32,291
without actually blowing the guy,
that would be great.
334
00:14:32,375 --> 00:14:33,708
[funky music playing]
335
00:14:39,916 --> 00:14:41,000
[sniffing]
336
00:14:41,083 --> 00:14:45,791
Uh, is it just me, or does one of us
smell like unwashed ass and beef jerky?
337
00:14:45,875 --> 00:14:47,250
[Scatter gibbers]
338
00:14:47,333 --> 00:14:49,333
Ah, see? I knew it. Awesome.
339
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:52,875
Now, the badge
is only honorary, of course.
340
00:14:52,958 --> 00:14:54,708
Well, let's play it by ear.
341
00:14:54,791 --> 00:14:58,416
But that doesn't mean you can't
beat the crap out of some criminals for me
342
00:14:58,500 --> 00:14:59,833
from time to time, right?
343
00:14:59,916 --> 00:15:01,250
[cackles]
344
00:15:01,958 --> 00:15:03,750
[laughs]
345
00:15:06,166 --> 00:15:09,000
Also maybe beat up a few Jews
while you're at it.
346
00:15:10,416 --> 00:15:12,375
- Do what now?
- Ooh! That took a turn.
347
00:15:12,458 --> 00:15:13,750
Sorry. Did I say "Jews"?
348
00:15:13,833 --> 00:15:14,916
I, uh...
349
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:18,833
I meant Negroes. They blend for me,
and sometimes literally.
350
00:15:19,333 --> 00:15:20,708
[cackles]
351
00:15:21,666 --> 00:15:25,625
Don't get me started on crossbreeding.
[laughing]
352
00:15:25,708 --> 00:15:26,791
[CeCe] There it is.
353
00:15:26,875 --> 00:15:28,208
Moron.
354
00:15:28,291 --> 00:15:29,500
Status report.
355
00:15:29,583 --> 00:15:31,458
Crawling through a metal tube
with a monkey.
356
00:15:31,541 --> 00:15:33,833
Well, that sounds
distressingly off-mission.
357
00:15:33,916 --> 00:15:35,083
Don't worry, we're close.
358
00:15:35,166 --> 00:15:37,166
Just keep me posted. And get it done.
359
00:15:37,958 --> 00:15:39,041
Same goes for you.
360
00:15:39,583 --> 00:15:41,263
Because if you're not done
in five minutes,
361
00:15:41,291 --> 00:15:42,708
these chocolate stains
362
00:15:43,333 --> 00:15:44,875
become bloodstains.
363
00:15:44,958 --> 00:15:47,375
- [grunting softly]
- Okay, that's the residence, dead ahead.
364
00:15:47,458 --> 00:15:48,708
[gibbers]
365
00:15:48,791 --> 00:15:50,875
What, the tranq gun? Ugh, fine.
366
00:15:50,958 --> 00:15:53,791
Hey, hey! Look at me.
For emergencies only.
367
00:15:54,416 --> 00:15:55,791
And a few extras for fun.
368
00:16:03,250 --> 00:16:04,083
[gasps]
369
00:16:04,166 --> 00:16:06,333
Did you just shoot the First Lady?
370
00:16:06,416 --> 00:16:07,541
Wait, wrong tone.
371
00:16:07,625 --> 00:16:10,958
[laughing]
Did you just shoot the First fucking Lady?
372
00:16:11,833 --> 00:16:14,291
Hilarious! Okay, now watch the door, okay?
373
00:16:14,375 --> 00:16:15,375
[Scatter grunts]
374
00:16:17,375 --> 00:16:19,000
[agent] Please. Already?
375
00:16:19,083 --> 00:16:20,541
It's barely two o'clock.
376
00:16:20,625 --> 00:16:21,541
Ah!
377
00:16:21,625 --> 00:16:25,000
Helping a VIP guest like Elvis
does not make me a groupie...
378
00:16:25,083 --> 00:16:25,916
Ah!
379
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:27,000
[body thuds]
380
00:16:27,791 --> 00:16:29,375
So, when you think about it,
381
00:16:29,458 --> 00:16:31,916
the Vietnam War
is really just the Lord's way
382
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:34,875
of ridding the world
of another mongoloid bloodline.
383
00:16:34,958 --> 00:16:38,625
Yep. I can think
of a bloodline I'd love to get rid of,
384
00:16:39,750 --> 00:16:40,583
sir.
385
00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:42,583
[Nixon] Ha! I bet you can.
386
00:16:43,166 --> 00:16:46,666
You know, Jesus loves napalm.
It's in Corinthians.
387
00:16:46,750 --> 00:16:48,142
- Of course, they call it...
- [groans]
388
00:16:48,166 --> 00:16:50,000
Can't take much more of this.
389
00:16:50,083 --> 00:16:52,625
Yeah, even that weird-ass book
was better than this shit.
390
00:16:52,708 --> 00:16:54,000
[Nixon] Jesus, is that the time?
391
00:16:54,083 --> 00:16:55,763
Sorry, I need
to get back to the residence.
392
00:16:55,833 --> 00:16:57,541
Great! Please do. Sounds good.
393
00:16:57,625 --> 00:16:59,458
[CeCe] No! No! Sounds bad.
394
00:16:59,541 --> 00:17:00,958
We're still in here.
395
00:17:01,041 --> 00:17:02,875
Stall your shitty, racist hero.
396
00:17:02,958 --> 00:17:05,750
Well, it was great meeting
a like-minded man of action.
397
00:17:05,833 --> 00:17:08,333
No, you know what?
Can you wait a second, Mr. President?
398
00:17:08,416 --> 00:17:09,666
Let's get a photo together.
399
00:17:11,125 --> 00:17:13,000
I love it! Make it quick.
400
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:16,666
Let's do this, CeCe.
401
00:17:16,750 --> 00:17:18,208
Excuse me!
402
00:17:18,291 --> 00:17:20,666
Please don't take that tone
with the Agent in Charge.
403
00:17:20,750 --> 00:17:22,458
[Elvis] Which you're still not.
404
00:17:22,541 --> 00:17:24,666
Get the file.
405
00:17:25,208 --> 00:17:26,958
What file? Oh, right, right, right.
406
00:17:28,125 --> 00:17:30,000
Oh, hello. That was easy.
407
00:17:30,083 --> 00:17:31,875
Hell of a grip, son.
408
00:17:33,041 --> 00:17:34,333
Feel free to loosen up.
409
00:17:34,833 --> 00:17:36,666
Take the picture, Bobby Ray.
410
00:17:36,750 --> 00:17:38,000
Take your time.
411
00:17:38,500 --> 00:17:40,916
Take your time.
412
00:17:41,458 --> 00:17:43,166
Whoops! Left the lens cap on.
413
00:17:43,250 --> 00:17:44,708
[laughs] Whoopsie-daisy.
414
00:17:44,791 --> 00:17:45,791
Hang on.
415
00:17:46,125 --> 00:17:48,083
Oh man, no flash.
416
00:17:48,166 --> 00:17:49,791
Whoops. Uh, hang on.
417
00:17:50,375 --> 00:17:53,250
Now, what does this button here do?
418
00:17:53,333 --> 00:17:56,875
Oh hell, I hadn't used
one of these in a while.
419
00:17:57,416 --> 00:18:00,208
- Don't have all day here.
- Oh, it won't take a minute, Dick.
420
00:18:00,291 --> 00:18:03,625
- Excuse me?
- Oh no, no, no. Not like "dick," Dick.
421
00:18:04,208 --> 00:18:08,250
Not like some spineless, lowlife
piece of shit on the bottom of my boot
422
00:18:08,333 --> 00:18:11,666
that gets scraped off
onto a bigger pile of shit, kind of dick.
423
00:18:12,250 --> 00:18:15,750
No. Like your name, Mr. President. Dick.
424
00:18:15,833 --> 00:18:18,833
- I prefer "Mr. President."
- I'll try to remember that.
425
00:18:18,916 --> 00:18:20,333
[CeCe] Good news, I got the file.
426
00:18:20,416 --> 00:18:24,500
And even gooder news, he had
two letter openers, so we each get one.
427
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:26,000
Ooh.
428
00:18:26,083 --> 00:18:28,083
Okay. What'd I miss?
429
00:18:28,166 --> 00:18:30,250
[Scatter slurps, sighs]
430
00:18:30,333 --> 00:18:32,333
- [barks]
- [gibbers]
431
00:18:32,416 --> 00:18:34,000
[laughs] Okay, fun thought,
432
00:18:34,083 --> 00:18:35,583
but no live souvenirs.
433
00:18:35,666 --> 00:18:36,916
[Bobby Ray] Damn it!
434
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:40,041
Okay, flash on, film in, cap off,
435
00:18:40,125 --> 00:18:42,000
no scary birds at the window,
436
00:18:42,083 --> 00:18:44,458
and are we ready?
437
00:18:44,958 --> 00:18:46,083
[camera snaps]
438
00:18:46,166 --> 00:18:48,708
Quite a grip there. Almost broke my hand.
439
00:18:48,791 --> 00:18:50,833
Well, you can't blame a guy for trying.
440
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:54,375
Should've just shot that racist bastard.
441
00:18:54,458 --> 00:18:58,333
On a secret TCB mission.
Heh! Would've made a splash.
442
00:18:58,416 --> 00:19:00,125
[CeCe] What are you two talking about?
443
00:19:00,208 --> 00:19:02,875
Please tell me
you morons aren't talking about TCB
444
00:19:02,958 --> 00:19:05,916
during the mission that's about
hiding the existence of TCB.
445
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:08,416
Don't worry, the asshole's gone.
446
00:19:08,500 --> 00:19:10,916
Nixon records everything
in the Oval Office, jackass.
447
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:13,208
We're screwed.
Like, in every fucking hole.
448
00:19:14,125 --> 00:19:17,125
This is why you shouldn't be in charge.
449
00:19:17,208 --> 00:19:18,541
Mistakes like this.
450
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:21,000
[CeCe] Psst!
451
00:19:23,666 --> 00:19:24,833
Okay, this is bad.
452
00:19:24,916 --> 00:19:26,791
Hey, at least we got the file.
453
00:19:26,875 --> 00:19:30,666
The file means shit if you're on tape
talking about TCB. We're fucked.
454
00:19:30,750 --> 00:19:33,500
Then how come the chimp's
doing his celebration bump?
455
00:19:35,500 --> 00:19:37,708
Hey! Cocaine is for winners.
456
00:19:37,791 --> 00:19:39,250
Can we just call the Commander?
457
00:19:39,333 --> 00:19:42,541
Why? So I can tell our boss that
while I was busy hiding from gunmen,
458
00:19:42,625 --> 00:19:45,500
crawling through vents
and choking on monkey ass,
459
00:19:45,583 --> 00:19:47,916
my subordinate fucked up
his simple mission
460
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:49,976
to keep a shitty racist happy,
and in the process...
461
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:52,267
- [sniffing]
- ...exposed the existence of an organization
462
00:19:52,291 --> 00:19:55,083
that managed to hide in the shadows
for fucking centuries?
463
00:19:55,958 --> 00:19:58,250
No, I wouldn't pitch it quite like that.
464
00:19:58,333 --> 00:20:00,726
We need to know where Nixon's
White House recording system is.
465
00:20:00,750 --> 00:20:02,166
Oh come on, that's easy.
466
00:20:02,250 --> 00:20:04,541
It's in a secret room
behind the bowling alley.
467
00:20:05,666 --> 00:20:07,708
What? It's Howard's audiobook.
468
00:20:07,791 --> 00:20:09,958
Well, it's the best lead we've got.
Come on.
469
00:20:11,791 --> 00:20:12,916
Hold on a sec.
470
00:20:15,208 --> 00:20:16,041
[glass shatters]
471
00:20:16,125 --> 00:20:17,375
He doesn't deserve this.
472
00:20:18,750 --> 00:20:21,083
But I do deserve this.
473
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,250
Hey, uh, think we got time for a game?
474
00:20:26,333 --> 00:20:28,500
Uh, still on a covert mission, BR.
475
00:20:28,583 --> 00:20:29,833
That must be it over there.
476
00:20:32,666 --> 00:20:33,791
[doorknob rattles]
477
00:20:34,666 --> 00:20:37,333
Oh hell no.
Mm-mm. No more vents for this girl.
478
00:20:37,416 --> 00:20:38,250
Scatter.
479
00:20:38,333 --> 00:20:39,333
[gibbering]
480
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:41,500
[howls]
481
00:20:42,458 --> 00:20:44,000
Okay, that works too.
482
00:20:44,083 --> 00:20:45,208
[CeCe chuckles]
483
00:20:45,291 --> 00:20:46,291
Jackpot.
484
00:20:47,791 --> 00:20:52,833
"Kennedy blackmail," "Johnson blackmail,"
"Arnold Palmer blackmail,"
485
00:20:52,916 --> 00:20:54,250
"Nixon's..."
486
00:20:54,333 --> 00:20:56,083
"Nixon's sex ideas"?
487
00:20:56,166 --> 00:20:58,166
What the hell are Nixon's sex ideas?
488
00:20:58,250 --> 00:21:02,916
Ugh. Guessing angry missionary
while watching police beat up teenagers?
489
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:04,541
Yep, I'd say that's about right.
490
00:21:05,291 --> 00:21:08,791
Okay, I just went ahead and cut
a full 17 minutes out of the tape.
491
00:21:08,875 --> 00:21:10,583
The TCB thing is completely erased.
492
00:21:12,750 --> 00:21:13,958
[guns cock]
493
00:21:15,875 --> 00:21:17,708
Hey, fellas. Care for a game?
494
00:21:25,750 --> 00:21:27,875
["Rubberneckin'" playing on jukebox]
495
00:21:28,791 --> 00:21:31,000
♪ That's my philosophy ♪
496
00:21:31,708 --> 00:21:33,041
[Bobby Ray] Strike! Still got it!
497
00:21:33,125 --> 00:21:35,041
♪ Rubberneckin', baby ♪
498
00:21:35,125 --> 00:21:37,458
♪ But that's all right with me... ♪
499
00:21:37,541 --> 00:21:39,708
Getting the sense
these guys aren't Secret Service.
500
00:21:39,791 --> 00:21:41,458
Nixon's guys, ran into them earlier.
501
00:21:41,541 --> 00:21:42,875
Full-on douchebags.
502
00:21:46,833 --> 00:21:48,433
- [Scatter screeches]
- [man] What the...
503
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:51,000
[Howard, over recording]
Next up, the residence,
504
00:21:51,083 --> 00:21:53,458
where Bess Truman famously killed
505
00:21:53,541 --> 00:21:56,666
several extraterrestrials
with her bare hands.
506
00:21:57,291 --> 00:22:00,875
Congratulations.
Blow-Your-Mind mode engaged.
507
00:22:05,875 --> 00:22:09,458
♪ Stop, look, and listen, baby ♪
508
00:22:09,541 --> 00:22:10,875
♪ That's my philosophy... ♪
509
00:22:10,958 --> 00:22:12,083
How does this pen work?
510
00:22:12,166 --> 00:22:15,541
Well, here's the thing. That actually
might just be a really nice pen.
511
00:22:15,625 --> 00:22:17,309
- [Elvis] What?
- How am I supposed to know?
512
00:22:17,333 --> 00:22:18,541
Howard doesn't label things.
513
00:22:18,625 --> 00:22:20,916
Damn it. Next time I pick my own gadgets.
514
00:22:23,750 --> 00:22:24,875
[man grunts]
515
00:22:27,666 --> 00:22:29,458
Yep. Just a pen.
516
00:22:29,958 --> 00:22:31,500
[alarm blares]
517
00:22:31,583 --> 00:22:33,416
Okay, yeah, probably time to go.
518
00:22:34,250 --> 00:22:35,625
[gibbering]
519
00:22:39,291 --> 00:22:41,375
Shit. Where's the extraction point?
520
00:22:42,125 --> 00:22:45,250
We got some agent-looking fellas
coming up behind us back there.
521
00:22:46,458 --> 00:22:47,875
Not to mention that.
522
00:22:49,541 --> 00:22:51,833
[CeCe]
Marine One? Oh fuck. We're fucked.
523
00:22:54,083 --> 00:22:55,083
Huh?
524
00:22:56,166 --> 00:22:57,625
[panting]
525
00:23:01,666 --> 00:23:04,375
- Okay.
- Did you get Nixon's sex idea tape?
526
00:23:04,458 --> 00:23:05,625
Asking for a friend.
527
00:23:08,041 --> 00:23:10,750
From now on, you're on all my missions.
528
00:23:10,833 --> 00:23:13,500
Also, family photo. What'd you get?
529
00:23:14,833 --> 00:23:16,208
"Truth about Area 51"?
530
00:23:16,791 --> 00:23:18,166
Oh. My thing sucks.
531
00:23:21,083 --> 00:23:22,166
As requested.
532
00:23:23,541 --> 00:23:26,208
So, uh, you gonna tell me what's in there?
533
00:23:26,750 --> 00:23:28,583
Son, that's above your pay grade.
534
00:23:29,166 --> 00:23:30,375
[laughs]
535
00:23:31,333 --> 00:23:34,375
You obviously have no idea
how much I get paid.
536
00:23:36,583 --> 00:23:38,791
Wait, are we flying the wrong way?
537
00:23:38,875 --> 00:23:40,833
You're goddamned right.
538
00:23:40,916 --> 00:23:44,791
I insist on every mission ending
by flying into the sunset.
539
00:23:45,500 --> 00:23:46,416
Fuck yeah.
540
00:23:46,500 --> 00:23:48,041
God, my nipples are hard.
541
00:23:48,125 --> 00:23:49,666
Maximum density.
542
00:23:50,625 --> 00:23:53,208
[mysterious music playing]
543
00:23:56,291 --> 00:23:59,375
Okay, Woodward.
This is how this is gonna work.
544
00:23:59,458 --> 00:24:00,375
It's simple.
545
00:24:00,458 --> 00:24:02,541
I feed you information on Tricky Dick,
546
00:24:02,625 --> 00:24:05,875
and you get to be the reporter
who brought down an American President.
547
00:24:05,958 --> 00:24:08,416
You don't call me. I call you.
548
00:24:08,500 --> 00:24:10,333
And no names. Ever.
549
00:24:10,875 --> 00:24:13,583
From here on, just call me Deep Throat.
550
00:24:14,291 --> 00:24:16,125
Little nickname between Pat Nixon and I.
551
00:24:17,125 --> 00:24:18,750
The woman's insatiable.
552
00:24:19,916 --> 00:24:24,250
Hey, hey, anyone ever tell you that
you look exactly like Robert Redford...
553
00:24:24,916 --> 00:24:25,916
naked?
554
00:24:26,291 --> 00:24:29,166
[upbeat rockabilly music playing]