1
00:00:14,043 --> 00:00:16,043
["Space Oddity" by David Bowie playing]
2
00:00:21,084 --> 00:00:25,459
[Elvis] Every once in a while,
man accomplishes the impossible.
3
00:00:26,209 --> 00:00:29,168
[astronaut]
Visual confirm. Landing gear deployed.
4
00:00:29,876 --> 00:00:32,293
[Neil Armstrong] Copy that, Columbia.
The Eagle has wings.
5
00:00:33,084 --> 00:00:35,668
[Elvis] All it takes
is someone with a dream.
6
00:00:36,334 --> 00:00:38,293
[astronaut] Godspeed, Eagle.
7
00:00:38,293 --> 00:00:39,709
[Elvis] Because when a man dreams...
8
00:00:39,709 --> 00:00:41,251
[laughs]
9
00:00:41,251 --> 00:00:42,793
...you know what happens.
10
00:00:42,793 --> 00:00:45,001
He can change the world.
11
00:00:45,001 --> 00:00:46,209
[director] All right, cut.
12
00:00:46,209 --> 00:00:47,543
[bell rings]
13
00:00:47,543 --> 00:00:50,584
Okay, listen. I don't want
to obstruct your process here,
14
00:00:50,584 --> 00:00:53,501
but I'm looking at the script,
and I'm pretty sure... Yep.
15
00:00:53,501 --> 00:00:56,543
There are zero of those words in it.
16
00:00:56,543 --> 00:00:59,626
True, but only because
the words in the script are dog shit.
17
00:00:59,626 --> 00:01:02,376
All right. Now, look.
Look. Just forget the words.
18
00:01:02,376 --> 00:01:03,793
Ride the truth, buddy.
19
00:01:03,793 --> 00:01:06,709
You're Dr. John Carpenter,
idealistic ghetto physician.
20
00:01:06,709 --> 00:01:10,459
You help everybody: the poor, the sick,
the hungry. You know, blah, blah, blah.
21
00:01:10,459 --> 00:01:12,418
You're Jesus, mate. You're the journey.
22
00:01:12,418 --> 00:01:15,251
Your journey is the journey of America.
23
00:01:15,251 --> 00:01:17,834
And at some point,
you make out with a nun.
24
00:01:17,834 --> 00:01:19,001
Oh, and how good is that?
25
00:01:19,001 --> 00:01:21,043
Yeah. Well, listen up here, rookie.
26
00:01:21,043 --> 00:01:24,209
America doesn't make out with nuns.
27
00:01:24,209 --> 00:01:26,168
Oh yeah?
Well, that's America's loss, isn't it?
28
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All right, listen up.
We're gonna go again. And action!
29
00:01:32,001 --> 00:01:33,501
What the fuck?
30
00:01:33,501 --> 00:01:36,334
Oh come on, people.
What's more important?
31
00:01:36,334 --> 00:01:40,084
Some human buzz cuts
riding a glorified firework to a rock,
32
00:01:40,084 --> 00:01:44,084
or the living art
that we're here making on Earth?
33
00:01:46,626 --> 00:01:48,418
All right, fuck me, let's take five.
34
00:01:48,418 --> 00:01:50,751
[ominous music playing]
35
00:01:54,584 --> 00:01:56,418
{\an8}[feedback squeals]
36
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{\an8}[TV announcer]
Direct from our newsroom in New York,
37
00:01:58,543 --> 00:02:02,084
{\an8}this is the CBS Evening News
with Walter Cronkite.
38
00:02:02,084 --> 00:02:06,793
{\an8}The lunar module will descend
to the surface in the next few hours.
39
00:02:06,793 --> 00:02:10,209
{\an8}The heroism of these men
cannot be overstated.
40
00:02:10,209 --> 00:02:12,001
{\an8}Oh, will you look at that.
41
00:02:12,001 --> 00:02:16,751
{\an8}Hmm. Say, you ever get the feeling
we could be doing something more?
42
00:02:16,751 --> 00:02:17,918
{\an8}- More?
- Yeah.
43
00:02:17,918 --> 00:02:20,418
{\an8}You know, something,
I don't know... bigger.
44
00:02:20,418 --> 00:02:21,959
{\an8}Nothing bigger than being Elvis.
45
00:02:21,959 --> 00:02:24,334
{\an8}I mean, look here.
Right in front of us, right now,
46
00:02:24,334 --> 00:02:28,959
{\an8}human beings are about to land
on the goddamn moon.
47
00:02:28,959 --> 00:02:30,376
{\an8}Ha! And what am I doing?
48
00:02:30,376 --> 00:02:33,876
{\an8}Well, the next scene, you teach a child
about tolerance through the power of song,
49
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{\an8}which apparently makes a nun horny.
50
00:02:36,126 --> 00:02:38,334
{\an8}Yet somehow, not enough.
51
00:02:38,334 --> 00:02:39,793
{\an8}You feeling okay, boss?
52
00:02:40,918 --> 00:02:43,001
{\an8}Be better if I was on that space capsule.
53
00:02:43,001 --> 00:02:44,334
{\an8}[hooting]
54
00:02:44,334 --> 00:02:46,501
{\an8}Oh, bullshit? This is not bullshit.
55
00:02:46,501 --> 00:02:48,876
{\an8}This is a giant moment in history.
56
00:02:48,876 --> 00:02:52,168
{\an8}You know it. Right up there
with your comeback TV special.
57
00:02:52,168 --> 00:02:53,168
{\an8}Arguably.
58
00:02:53,168 --> 00:02:54,876
{\an8}[gibbering]
59
00:02:54,876 --> 00:02:57,293
{\an8}Hey. You promised me you'd quit that shit.
60
00:02:57,293 --> 00:02:59,126
{\an8}[exclaiming]
61
00:02:59,126 --> 00:03:03,126
{\an8}Technically speaking, boss, he said
he'd quit coke every day except Tuesdays.
62
00:03:03,126 --> 00:03:05,876
Ooh, cocaine Tuesdays? Love it.
63
00:03:05,876 --> 00:03:08,001
It's like taco Tuesdays,
but for awesome people.
64
00:03:08,001 --> 00:03:10,751
Oh, goddamn it. What are you doing here?
65
00:03:10,751 --> 00:03:13,334
Uh, eating, obviously.
66
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Oh my God.
67
00:03:14,626 --> 00:03:18,709
Oh, I would kill an actual human baby
for, like, ten of these.
68
00:03:19,293 --> 00:03:22,001
What? No, not one I know. Jesus.
69
00:03:22,001 --> 00:03:24,126
So, what, is this what you do?
70
00:03:24,126 --> 00:03:26,501
You just keep showing up
whenever you feel like it?
71
00:03:26,501 --> 00:03:28,418
Same way I got into Yale. True story.
72
00:03:28,418 --> 00:03:29,418
But look, I want--
73
00:03:29,418 --> 00:03:31,834
Stop. I don't even
want to know why you're here.
74
00:03:31,834 --> 00:03:33,626
What? I'm just a huge fan.
75
00:03:33,626 --> 00:03:35,668
Well, of your movies. They're hilarious.
76
00:03:35,668 --> 00:03:37,918
I mean, not the comedies, obviously.
77
00:03:37,918 --> 00:03:41,459
- There's a compliment in there somewhere.
- Enough. You need to go. Now.
78
00:03:41,459 --> 00:03:42,543
Fine. Rude.
79
00:03:47,376 --> 00:03:49,584
Uh-oh, missed a spot there. I gotcha.
80
00:03:49,584 --> 00:03:50,709
[CeCe sniffs]
81
00:03:51,209 --> 00:03:52,084
[snarls]
82
00:03:52,084 --> 00:03:53,043
Get rid of this.
83
00:03:53,043 --> 00:03:55,168
Where the fuck
are you getting all this coke?
84
00:03:55,168 --> 00:03:56,084
[Scatter gibbers]
85
00:03:56,084 --> 00:03:57,043
Flyboy?
86
00:03:57,543 --> 00:04:01,209
Oh, he's this fella selling maps
to movie star houses in the parking lot.
87
00:04:01,209 --> 00:04:03,751
Oh, and a shit-ton of cocaine.
Probably should've led with that.
88
00:04:03,751 --> 00:04:05,626
- How about you introduce me?
- Now?
89
00:04:05,626 --> 00:04:06,918
What about the next scene?
90
00:04:06,918 --> 00:04:10,584
[director] Okay, people.
Nuns, put on your roller skates.
91
00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:11,626
It can wait.
92
00:04:13,043 --> 00:04:13,876
[Bertie] Hold up.
93
00:04:13,876 --> 00:04:18,043
Set's that way, but you're heading
this way. Seems like a disconnect.
94
00:04:18,043 --> 00:04:20,168
Oh, just gonna step out for a bit.
95
00:04:20,168 --> 00:04:23,126
Uh-huh? Then what's with
the vigilante face?
96
00:04:23,126 --> 00:04:24,376
What vigilante face?
97
00:04:24,376 --> 00:04:30,168
The one that comes right before some
godforsaken karate, gunfight, bloodbath.
98
00:04:30,168 --> 00:04:33,959
Oh, you mean that vigilante face.
99
00:04:33,959 --> 00:04:36,334
Come on. We're here to make a movie.
100
00:04:36,334 --> 00:04:38,251
The director's setting up the next shot.
101
00:04:38,251 --> 00:04:42,376
Oh, now, just relax, Miss Bertie.
Heck, it's just an over-the-shoulder shot.
102
00:04:42,376 --> 00:04:44,376
Bobby Ray can stand in for me.
103
00:04:44,376 --> 00:04:47,709
Am I the only one
who remembers how badly this can go?
104
00:04:48,709 --> 00:04:51,293
Ha-ha! Hang on. Are we already filming?
105
00:04:51,293 --> 00:04:53,168
Wait, is that my beer back there?
106
00:04:53,168 --> 00:04:54,668
[boy screams]
107
00:04:54,668 --> 00:04:57,626
Hmm, and we're still paying
for that poor boy.
108
00:04:57,626 --> 00:05:00,834
Oh, relax. No kids in this movie.
He'll do great.
109
00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:04,418
Puerto Rican street urchins,
over here, por favor. Chop-chop!
110
00:05:04,418 --> 00:05:07,293
Um, I'm not actually Puerto Rican.
111
00:05:07,293 --> 00:05:08,459
Yeah, well, none of you are.
112
00:05:08,459 --> 00:05:10,793
That's why God invented
the magic of makeup, mate.
113
00:05:10,793 --> 00:05:12,709
Do you even read these scripts?
114
00:05:12,709 --> 00:05:14,668
I actually try not to.
115
00:05:15,918 --> 00:05:17,918
[funky music playing]
116
00:05:19,709 --> 00:05:22,334
Holy shit. Fucking Elvis.
117
00:05:22,334 --> 00:05:24,293
Oh man. Oh wow.
118
00:05:24,293 --> 00:05:26,251
What are you, a doctor now?
119
00:05:26,251 --> 00:05:29,959
Uh, let me guess. You're Flyboy?
120
00:05:29,959 --> 00:05:30,876
Uh...
121
00:05:30,876 --> 00:05:32,793
[funky music playing]
122
00:05:32,793 --> 00:05:34,918
[Flyboy grunting]
123
00:05:35,626 --> 00:05:37,668
Does that answer your question?
124
00:05:37,668 --> 00:05:39,001
- Not remotely.
- All right.
125
00:05:39,001 --> 00:05:41,751
So, uh, you want a star map or what?
126
00:05:41,751 --> 00:05:45,126
Five buck extra gets you
Paul Newman's gate code.
127
00:05:45,126 --> 00:05:47,251
Tell you what, Flyboy.
128
00:05:47,251 --> 00:05:50,334
I'm a lot more interested
in that other shit you're selling.
129
00:05:50,334 --> 00:05:52,168
- Know what I mean?
- Ah.
130
00:05:52,168 --> 00:05:54,001
Right, right, right. Yeah.
131
00:05:54,001 --> 00:05:55,751
[imitating whip cracking]
Check it out.
132
00:05:55,751 --> 00:05:57,626
So, tell me, Flyboy,
133
00:05:57,626 --> 00:06:00,459
if you're a drug dealer,
how come you're dressed like a pimp?
134
00:06:00,459 --> 00:06:03,334
Okay. Yeah, well,
I mean, there is some overlap.
135
00:06:03,334 --> 00:06:05,543
But come on,
you want some of this coke or not?
136
00:06:05,543 --> 00:06:07,501
More like all of it.
137
00:06:07,501 --> 00:06:09,251
All of it? Oh.
138
00:06:09,751 --> 00:06:11,001
[laughs] Oh!
139
00:06:11,001 --> 00:06:14,293
Well, guess who's
an official fucking Elvis fan!
140
00:06:14,293 --> 00:06:15,751
Right on, man!
141
00:06:15,751 --> 00:06:16,834
All right. All right.
142
00:06:16,834 --> 00:06:19,584
Now, um, I don't normally
deal in bulk, but I--
143
00:06:19,584 --> 00:06:20,834
- Shut up.
- Uh, done.
144
00:06:20,834 --> 00:06:24,459
Now, ordinarily, I'd just kick your ass
for being a piece-of-shit drug dealer
145
00:06:24,459 --> 00:06:27,001
who happens to be dressed like a pimp,
and I'd be on my way,
146
00:06:27,001 --> 00:06:29,418
but I'm having kind of
a weird fucking morning.
147
00:06:29,418 --> 00:06:30,334
[snaps fingers]
148
00:06:30,334 --> 00:06:32,501
- [snarls]
- I mean, honestly, same here.
149
00:06:32,501 --> 00:06:35,168
- And I'm after bigger fish than you today.
- Right.
150
00:06:35,168 --> 00:06:39,084
Long story, but I'm kinda pissed off
that I am not in space right now.
151
00:06:39,084 --> 00:06:41,959
Yeah, that tracks. That makes sense to me.
152
00:06:41,959 --> 00:06:45,209
But I can't exactly walk around
without being noticed.
153
00:06:45,209 --> 00:06:47,751
So, I'll need to borrow a few things.
154
00:06:48,251 --> 00:06:49,459
[car engine revving]
155
00:06:50,834 --> 00:06:55,293
Wow, that actually looks way better
on you than it did on me, honestly.
156
00:06:55,293 --> 00:06:57,793
Yeah, like nobody saw that coming.
157
00:06:59,251 --> 00:07:00,084
[engine revs]
158
00:07:03,668 --> 00:07:06,668
Mission Control awaits word. The lunar--
159
00:07:06,668 --> 00:07:07,751
[static crackles]
160
00:07:07,751 --> 00:07:09,668
What are you doing, Agent Ryder?
161
00:07:09,668 --> 00:07:10,876
Um, nothing.
162
00:07:10,876 --> 00:07:11,918
Oh good, good.
163
00:07:11,918 --> 00:07:16,334
Then you have plenty of time to tell me
why Elvis isn't on his Elvis movie set,
164
00:07:16,334 --> 00:07:20,834
which, as you know,
is extremely important to me.
165
00:07:20,834 --> 00:07:24,126
Oh, fist me sideways!
Where the hell'd he go?
166
00:07:24,126 --> 00:07:26,084
[funky music playing]
167
00:07:26,834 --> 00:07:27,959
So where are we headed?
168
00:07:27,959 --> 00:07:30,751
Come on, man.
You know I can't tell you that.
169
00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:33,334
Because snitches end up
getting fucking stitches.
170
00:07:33,334 --> 00:07:35,834
- [chuckles]
- Yeah, I heard somebody say that once.
171
00:07:35,834 --> 00:07:38,168
But you know what's worse than stitches?
172
00:07:38,168 --> 00:07:39,168
[snarling]
173
00:07:39,168 --> 00:07:40,459
Turns out I do.
174
00:07:41,001 --> 00:07:44,709
Okay. E, but baby,
whatever you do, don't hurt the coat.
175
00:07:46,001 --> 00:07:47,168
I actually get that.
176
00:07:55,334 --> 00:07:57,209
[CeCe] Paging Dr. John Carpenter.
177
00:07:57,209 --> 00:07:59,084
[sighs] Damn it!
178
00:07:59,084 --> 00:08:00,793
Uh, shouldn't you be making a movie now?
179
00:08:00,793 --> 00:08:02,626
All right, look,
just cut the shit, will you?
180
00:08:02,626 --> 00:08:05,251
- What are you really up to?
- Oh my God, paranoid. Nothing.
181
00:08:05,251 --> 00:08:07,168
- Where's the trust?
- Irradiated.
182
00:08:07,168 --> 00:08:09,918
In a nuclear fireball back in Vegas.
183
00:08:09,918 --> 00:08:11,459
Okay, so, what's this?
184
00:08:11,459 --> 00:08:14,209
Sneaking out
on another little vigilante kick?
185
00:08:14,209 --> 00:08:16,168
Just a man standing against the tide.
186
00:08:16,168 --> 00:08:19,834
Yeah, which totally works.
That's why you don't see tides anymore.
187
00:08:19,834 --> 00:08:21,626
It's called making a difference.
188
00:08:21,626 --> 00:08:23,793
No, it's not.
It's called a complete waste of time.
189
00:08:23,793 --> 00:08:27,001
I know what this is really about,
so let me bottom-line it for you.
190
00:08:27,001 --> 00:08:29,668
No matter how many tiny little
drug dealers you take down,
191
00:08:29,668 --> 00:08:31,126
it won't get you to the moon today.
192
00:08:31,126 --> 00:08:33,251
- You got mustard on your face.
- Yes, I know.
193
00:08:33,251 --> 00:08:36,168
You good with that?
Walking around with mustard on your face?
194
00:08:36,168 --> 00:08:38,793
Oh shit! Dr. Carpenter carries a gun?
195
00:08:38,793 --> 00:08:40,584
Ooh! Plot twist.
196
00:08:40,584 --> 00:08:42,293
Whoa, whoa, wait. What's the line again?
197
00:08:42,293 --> 00:08:45,251
[director]
Your line is, "Yes." Fucking dipshit.
198
00:08:45,251 --> 00:08:47,168
[ominous music playing]
199
00:08:48,584 --> 00:08:49,543
Night vision.
200
00:08:49,543 --> 00:08:50,543
[electrical crackling]
201
00:08:50,543 --> 00:08:53,168
Oh shit. Goddamn it.
202
00:08:53,168 --> 00:08:56,668
Hmm. Okay. As much as I did love
the on-fire glasses,
203
00:08:57,834 --> 00:08:59,418
these fuckers see through walls.
204
00:08:59,418 --> 00:09:00,751
- Are you serious?
- Dead serious.
205
00:09:00,751 --> 00:09:03,543
And if you reverse the polarity,
they'll scorch a human eyeball.
206
00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:04,876
I'm talking full-on badass here.
207
00:09:04,876 --> 00:09:06,459
- Bullshit.
- Just ask my roommate.
208
00:09:06,459 --> 00:09:08,168
But don't look her
in the eyes when you do,
209
00:09:08,168 --> 00:09:09,584
because they look super weird now.
210
00:09:09,584 --> 00:09:10,834
Ooh!
211
00:09:10,834 --> 00:09:12,501
Yes, please.
212
00:09:13,459 --> 00:09:16,501
Uh, oh my. Okay, I am so moving here.
213
00:09:17,376 --> 00:09:18,834
Okay, as soon as those guys move out.
214
00:09:18,834 --> 00:09:21,001
[Elvis]
Yeah, cool, but how much for the goggles?
215
00:09:21,001 --> 00:09:24,001
Oh, you can't afford them.
Beatles money, maybe, but not you.
216
00:09:24,001 --> 00:09:27,043
Any chance
your "magic goggles" can tell me
217
00:09:27,043 --> 00:09:29,168
what's waiting
on the other side of that door?
218
00:09:29,168 --> 00:09:30,959
[scoffs]
Where's the fun in that, dumbass?
219
00:09:30,959 --> 00:09:32,209
Just hurry this up.
220
00:09:32,209 --> 00:09:34,834
Dr. Carpenter has to cure
an orphan's tuberculosis
221
00:09:34,834 --> 00:09:36,584
by making him believe in himself.
222
00:09:36,584 --> 00:09:38,626
Oh God, that script's a piece of shit.
223
00:09:38,626 --> 00:09:40,126
[Neil Armstrong] Copy that, Houston.
224
00:09:40,126 --> 00:09:42,251
[radar beeping]
225
00:09:43,043 --> 00:09:44,668
[static crackles]
226
00:09:44,668 --> 00:09:47,668
And now, all we can do is wait.
227
00:09:48,418 --> 00:09:50,876
- As the lunar module begins to descend...
- [knock on door]
228
00:09:52,543 --> 00:09:55,918
Hey, Flyboy. Back to re-up already?
229
00:09:55,918 --> 00:09:57,376
[grunts]
230
00:09:57,376 --> 00:09:58,793
[Scatter gibbers]
231
00:09:58,793 --> 00:10:00,043
Hey, that was--
232
00:10:01,626 --> 00:10:02,459
[Elvis] Jesus.
233
00:10:05,876 --> 00:10:09,459
It's quite an operation you got here.
Why don't you tell me who's in charge?
234
00:10:09,459 --> 00:10:10,876
Fuck you!
235
00:10:10,876 --> 00:10:11,959
Try again.
236
00:10:11,959 --> 00:10:14,918
[gasps and blows raspberry]
237
00:10:14,918 --> 00:10:18,001
I was trying to whistle,
but you knocked out my tooth.
238
00:10:18,001 --> 00:10:19,293
Guys! Get in here!
239
00:10:19,293 --> 00:10:21,834
["Change of Habit"
by Elvis Presley playing]
240
00:10:22,709 --> 00:10:24,543
♪ If you're in old habits ♪
241
00:10:24,543 --> 00:10:25,543
[all yell]
242
00:10:25,543 --> 00:10:27,001
♪ Set in your old ways ♪
243
00:10:27,543 --> 00:10:29,501
♪ Changes are a-comin' ♪
244
00:10:29,501 --> 00:10:32,043
♪ For these are changing days ♪
245
00:10:32,043 --> 00:10:34,459
♪ And if your head is in the sand ♪
246
00:10:34,459 --> 00:10:36,126
♪ While things are going on ♪
247
00:10:36,126 --> 00:10:37,043
[screams]
248
00:10:37,043 --> 00:10:40,501
♪ What you need, what you need ♪
249
00:10:41,418 --> 00:10:44,959
♪ What you need is a change of habit... ♪
250
00:10:44,959 --> 00:10:45,876
[man] Shit!
251
00:10:45,876 --> 00:10:47,376
[gibbers]
252
00:10:48,626 --> 00:10:51,501
You know this shit's not gonna
make you feel any better, right?
253
00:10:51,501 --> 00:10:52,959
Agree to disagree.
254
00:10:52,959 --> 00:10:54,751
- [objects crashing]
- [punches landing]
255
00:10:54,751 --> 00:10:56,001
♪ When you talk with people... ♪
256
00:10:56,001 --> 00:10:58,751
Okay, tough love time.
No matter what you do,
257
00:10:58,751 --> 00:11:00,751
it's not gonna turn you
into a fucking astronaut.
258
00:11:00,751 --> 00:11:02,834
I will literally pay you to stop talking.
259
00:11:02,834 --> 00:11:05,334
Whoa, you sound
just like my mother when I was little.
260
00:11:05,334 --> 00:11:06,876
Sounds like a super lady.
261
00:11:07,584 --> 00:11:10,543
She paid me in cigarettes, by the way.
So, yeah, real gem.
262
00:11:11,459 --> 00:11:12,709
[gun hammers cock]
263
00:11:13,376 --> 00:11:14,793
- [gunfire]
- [men grunt]
264
00:11:15,501 --> 00:11:17,626
♪ A change of outlook ♪
265
00:11:17,626 --> 00:11:20,084
♪ A change of heart ♪
266
00:11:20,084 --> 00:11:22,001
♪ You'll be all right... ♪
267
00:11:22,001 --> 00:11:23,084
[both grunt]
268
00:11:23,084 --> 00:11:24,834
[man screams]
269
00:11:25,793 --> 00:11:27,251
[glass shatters]
270
00:11:27,959 --> 00:11:29,793
[Elvis] Open wide, asshole.
271
00:11:29,793 --> 00:11:32,376
About to lose a lot more than that tooth.
272
00:11:32,376 --> 00:11:36,584
Talk. That was way more
than just local dealer coke up there.
273
00:11:36,584 --> 00:11:37,501
[gasps]
274
00:11:37,501 --> 00:11:39,293
That shipment. There's a...
275
00:11:39,293 --> 00:11:40,959
[Scatter howls]
276
00:11:44,834 --> 00:11:47,001
Goddamn it, Scatter!
277
00:11:47,001 --> 00:11:48,209
[gas hissing]
278
00:11:51,626 --> 00:11:53,001
[explosion]
279
00:11:55,084 --> 00:11:57,376
[Scatter gibbers]
280
00:11:57,376 --> 00:12:00,459
[CeCe] Oh man!
This looks so cool through these.
281
00:12:03,834 --> 00:12:04,876
[children laugh]
282
00:12:06,251 --> 00:12:07,584
[boy 1] Hey, it's snowing!
283
00:12:07,584 --> 00:12:09,376
[laughter]
284
00:12:09,376 --> 00:12:10,668
It's snowing!
285
00:12:10,668 --> 00:12:12,251
- It's snowing!
- [boy 2] Yay!
286
00:12:12,834 --> 00:12:14,084
Yay!
287
00:12:15,168 --> 00:12:17,209
[Elvis] Damn it, Scatter. Get back here.
288
00:12:18,626 --> 00:12:21,084
- Fucking Tuesdays.
- [CeCe] Well, look at it this way.
289
00:12:21,084 --> 00:12:24,543
You know, at least you introduced
a bunch of kids to the dangers of drugs
290
00:12:24,543 --> 00:12:27,084
by actually giving them a ton of drugs.
291
00:12:27,084 --> 00:12:28,959
- [car engine revs]
- [tires squeal]
292
00:12:28,959 --> 00:12:30,626
Hey! You're ditching me?
293
00:12:30,626 --> 00:12:31,751
[director] Yes!
294
00:12:32,709 --> 00:12:33,918
- What?
- [director] "Yes."
295
00:12:33,918 --> 00:12:36,418
"Yes" to what?
Me saying the line, or that's the line?
296
00:12:36,418 --> 00:12:39,168
Just say it, mate. "Yes."
297
00:12:39,168 --> 00:12:41,626
Okay. I mean, yes! Damn it!
298
00:12:41,626 --> 00:12:43,043
- [Bertie] Cut!
- [bell rings]
299
00:12:44,293 --> 00:12:45,209
Where's Elvis?
300
00:12:45,209 --> 00:12:48,209
Just, uh, stepped out
to buy some cigarettes.
301
00:12:48,209 --> 00:12:49,501
He doesn't smoke.
302
00:12:49,501 --> 00:12:50,876
[laughs nervously]
303
00:12:50,876 --> 00:12:53,001
Did I say cigarettes? I meant Cadillacs.
304
00:12:53,001 --> 00:12:56,543
You realize how incredibly bad you are
at lying to me, right?
305
00:12:56,543 --> 00:12:57,751
Sadly, I do.
306
00:12:58,834 --> 00:13:00,168
[Flyboy] What the fuck?
307
00:13:00,168 --> 00:13:02,834
Oh damn, E.
What the hell happened to my coat?
308
00:13:02,834 --> 00:13:03,918
Different things.
309
00:13:03,918 --> 00:13:06,709
[Flyboy] Shit, man. You know
how much that fucking coat costs?
310
00:13:06,709 --> 00:13:09,834
Yeah, you're gonna tell me
about expensive clothes.
311
00:13:09,834 --> 00:13:12,334
Look here, rookie,
what you need to talk about instead
312
00:13:12,334 --> 00:13:14,043
is the cocaine shipment.
313
00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:17,084
The same cocaine shipment
somebody else was telling me about
314
00:13:17,084 --> 00:13:19,418
before somebody else exploded.
315
00:13:19,418 --> 00:13:22,626
Somebody fucking exploded?
What the... And what shipment?
316
00:13:22,626 --> 00:13:25,293
They don't tell me shit, man. Okay?
317
00:13:25,293 --> 00:13:26,501
- I swear.
- [gun cocks]
318
00:13:27,501 --> 00:13:30,459
[Elvis] You see that? That means
Scatter doesn't like your answer.
319
00:13:30,459 --> 00:13:34,584
Okay, okay, okay, okay!
Just go find Big Rod. He'll know.
320
00:13:34,584 --> 00:13:38,459
He's always down by Pier 4.
I swear, this time for real.
321
00:13:38,459 --> 00:13:40,876
I'm gonna have a bruise on my dick.
322
00:13:40,876 --> 00:13:44,334
Good. And listen, Flyboy.
Sorry about the coat.
323
00:13:46,168 --> 00:13:47,918
What the hell are you wearing?
324
00:13:48,501 --> 00:13:49,584
Ooh, long story.
325
00:13:49,584 --> 00:13:52,001
Looks like you stole some pimp's clothes.
326
00:13:52,001 --> 00:13:53,251
So it's not just me.
327
00:13:53,251 --> 00:13:55,793
- And what are you doing?
- Just dropped by to grab a few things.
328
00:13:55,793 --> 00:13:58,043
You mean a bunch of guns and bullets.
329
00:13:58,043 --> 00:14:02,709
Uh-huh, see, I know
your I'm-out-of-ammo face when I see it.
330
00:14:02,709 --> 00:14:05,709
What we need
is to get you back to that set right now.
331
00:14:05,709 --> 00:14:07,709
- Bobby Ray can handle it.
- Wanna bet?
332
00:14:07,709 --> 00:14:09,043
[director] And action!
333
00:14:09,626 --> 00:14:11,293
Now, hang on a sec. Uh...
334
00:14:11,876 --> 00:14:13,251
What's my motivation?
335
00:14:13,251 --> 00:14:14,959
For opening a door, you dipshit?
336
00:14:14,959 --> 00:14:16,959
You want to be
on the other side of the door.
337
00:14:21,001 --> 00:14:24,584
It's moments like these
that truly make you feel like
338
00:14:24,584 --> 00:14:27,168
- we're part of the tides of history.
- [car alarm chirps]
339
00:14:27,168 --> 00:14:29,251
[funky music playing]
340
00:14:36,334 --> 00:14:37,501
[gibbering]
341
00:14:37,501 --> 00:14:39,209
- Just quit it, will you?
- [bottle shatters]
342
00:14:39,209 --> 00:14:41,543
I know you're bitter
because you washed out of NASA.
343
00:14:41,543 --> 00:14:42,918
[Scatter vocalizing]
344
00:14:42,918 --> 00:14:45,543
"Full of shit"? Who, Neil Armstrong?
345
00:14:45,543 --> 00:14:48,501
[Walter Cronkite]
American heroes, each and every one.
346
00:14:48,501 --> 00:14:53,334
The hopes and dreams of an entire nation
rest on their shoulders.
347
00:14:53,334 --> 00:14:57,793
[The Commander] CeCe, I noticed
Elvis still isn't on the set,
348
00:14:57,793 --> 00:15:00,251
with menacing emphasis on "still."
349
00:15:00,251 --> 00:15:01,793
Yeah, I know. I'm working on it.
350
00:15:01,793 --> 00:15:04,293
- Might want to work faster.
- Yes, sir. Understood.
351
00:15:04,293 --> 00:15:06,501
[laughs]
352
00:15:06,501 --> 00:15:08,084
Funny unrelated story.
353
00:15:08,084 --> 00:15:11,543
I once had to wait too long
for an appetizer,
354
00:15:11,543 --> 00:15:15,459
so I carved the waiter's femur
into a salad fork.
355
00:15:15,459 --> 00:15:16,543
[wheezes]
356
00:15:16,543 --> 00:15:19,626
Oh my God. You should have seen
the look on his grandkids' faces.
357
00:15:19,626 --> 00:15:22,584
And what the hell were his grandkids
doing there? So many questions.
358
00:15:22,584 --> 00:15:23,876
[dial tone buzzes]
359
00:15:23,876 --> 00:15:25,459
Oh good. You made it back.
360
00:15:25,459 --> 00:15:29,084
So now I guess we're overcompensating
for our moon-landing inadequacies.
361
00:15:29,084 --> 00:15:30,459
[Elvis] Quit it with that crap.
362
00:15:30,459 --> 00:15:31,876
Listen, I get it.
363
00:15:31,876 --> 00:15:34,126
When my mom beat me
in a wet T-shirt contest,
364
00:15:34,126 --> 00:15:36,418
I stopped eating for three months
and burned the bar down.
365
00:15:37,834 --> 00:15:41,668
- Where are we headed?
- There's no "we" happening here.
366
00:15:41,668 --> 00:15:44,459
And you still have mustard on your face.
367
00:15:44,459 --> 00:15:47,459
- Thank you for noticing me. I feel seen.
- You're not getting it.
368
00:15:47,459 --> 00:15:49,584
- Well, at least let me give you a ride.
- No, thanks.
369
00:15:49,584 --> 00:15:52,084
- Oh yeah? You sure about that, big guy?
- [car alarm chirps]
370
00:15:52,084 --> 00:15:53,959
[car engine revs]
371
00:15:55,376 --> 00:15:56,209
[keys jingle]
372
00:15:58,668 --> 00:16:02,876
Shouldn't be long now as we await word
from the valiant crew of Apollo 11
373
00:16:02,876 --> 00:16:04,334
on final descent.
374
00:16:04,334 --> 00:16:06,084
Come on, guys. Get it done.
375
00:16:06,084 --> 00:16:08,126
Yeah, speaking of,
how about we get this done
376
00:16:08,126 --> 00:16:10,584
- and get you back to that set?
- No, the movie can wait.
377
00:16:10,584 --> 00:16:12,876
We're trying to stop
a major drug shipment here.
378
00:16:12,876 --> 00:16:16,293
Yeah, which there are literally
thousands of every fucking day.
379
00:16:16,293 --> 00:16:17,251
[sighs]
380
00:16:17,251 --> 00:16:19,043
Where'd you score this ride, by the way?
381
00:16:19,043 --> 00:16:20,626
It's pretty great, right? Company car.
382
00:16:20,626 --> 00:16:22,376
- Mind if I push these buttons?
- Sure.
383
00:16:22,376 --> 00:16:28,209
Wait. And not get electrocuted or ejected
out of my seat or some other bullshit.
384
00:16:28,209 --> 00:16:30,459
Oh, then, no.
No, I wouldn't touch most of those.
385
00:16:30,459 --> 00:16:31,918
[gibbering]
386
00:16:31,918 --> 00:16:33,751
Uh, thank you?
387
00:16:33,751 --> 00:16:35,751
He wants to know if there's any booze.
388
00:16:35,751 --> 00:16:39,043
It's a high-performance, state-of-the-art
intelligence-gathering asset.
389
00:16:39,043 --> 00:16:40,751
It's the third button on your right.
390
00:16:41,751 --> 00:16:43,209
[tires squeal]
391
00:16:43,209 --> 00:16:44,543
[truck horn blares]
392
00:16:44,543 --> 00:16:45,876
[explosion]
393
00:16:45,876 --> 00:16:48,751
Make that the fourth button
on your right. I think.
394
00:16:48,751 --> 00:16:50,834
[funky music playing]
395
00:16:52,751 --> 00:16:55,126
Oh my God.
You know we'll never find this guy, right?
396
00:16:55,126 --> 00:16:58,584
Yep. That's why God invented
dickheads with vanity plates.
397
00:16:59,543 --> 00:17:00,501
[tires screech]
398
00:17:02,793 --> 00:17:03,626
Hey, buddy.
399
00:17:04,209 --> 00:17:05,418
Need to have a word.
400
00:17:09,418 --> 00:17:10,418
Damn it, Scatter!
401
00:17:10,418 --> 00:17:13,418
- [Scatter gibbers]
- The buttons are not toys!
402
00:17:15,626 --> 00:17:17,251
[Scatter gibbering]
403
00:17:17,251 --> 00:17:19,584
[upbeat suspenseful music playing]
404
00:17:38,126 --> 00:17:41,084
[Elvis] Looks like you're all out
of foot-chase clichés.
405
00:17:41,709 --> 00:17:43,334
What the hell do you want?
406
00:17:43,334 --> 00:17:45,001
[Elvis]
Tell me about the drug shipment.
407
00:17:45,001 --> 00:17:47,668
Shit, man,
Cleopatra shipped out with that yesterday.
408
00:17:47,668 --> 00:17:48,709
Cleopatra?
409
00:17:51,084 --> 00:17:53,709
- [car door opens]
- Kinda sick of you guys ditching me.
410
00:17:53,709 --> 00:17:56,126
So where's this major
big-time drug shipment anyway?
411
00:17:56,126 --> 00:17:57,501
[sighs]
412
00:17:57,501 --> 00:17:58,793
Already gone.
413
00:17:58,793 --> 00:17:59,834
[CeCe] Oh good.
414
00:17:59,834 --> 00:18:02,543
Okay. So, I guess
that makes this, to quote myself,
415
00:18:02,543 --> 00:18:04,334
"A complete fucking waste of..."
416
00:18:05,168 --> 00:18:06,876
[boat horn blares]
417
00:18:07,501 --> 00:18:08,626
"...time." Damn it.
418
00:18:08,626 --> 00:18:10,834
Uh, sorry.
What was that you were you saying?
419
00:18:10,834 --> 00:18:14,168
Something about you
being completely wrong?
420
00:18:15,626 --> 00:18:16,751
Nice coat.
421
00:18:17,626 --> 00:18:19,043
[gunfire]
422
00:18:19,043 --> 00:18:20,834
[shouting]
423
00:18:20,834 --> 00:18:22,168
Cover you? Wait, wait...
424
00:18:22,793 --> 00:18:24,084
[gibbering]
425
00:18:24,084 --> 00:18:25,126
[shrieks]
426
00:18:30,501 --> 00:18:31,751
[coos]
427
00:18:32,418 --> 00:18:34,334
[gibbering]
428
00:18:36,043 --> 00:18:37,418
Fucking Tuesdays.
429
00:18:38,418 --> 00:18:40,501
We need a plan, all right?
They're getting away.
430
00:18:40,501 --> 00:18:42,168
Here's a plan: who gives a shit?
431
00:18:42,168 --> 00:18:43,793
- Cover me!
- Ah, fuck.
432
00:18:43,793 --> 00:18:45,168
I hate hero time.
433
00:18:45,168 --> 00:18:48,209
For the record, my "Who gives a shit?"
plan was way easier.
434
00:18:48,209 --> 00:18:49,584
[rock music playing]
435
00:18:50,751 --> 00:18:51,959
[tires squeal]
436
00:19:00,251 --> 00:19:02,418
[Neil Armstrong]
Angle down three. Ten feet.
437
00:19:06,793 --> 00:19:10,168
Houston, Tranquility Base here.
The Eagle has landed.
438
00:19:13,501 --> 00:19:15,084
[panting]
439
00:19:15,834 --> 00:19:16,668
Wait for it.
440
00:19:16,668 --> 00:19:17,668
For what?
441
00:19:17,668 --> 00:19:20,501
You giving away my fucking car?
Already checked that box.
442
00:19:20,501 --> 00:19:24,251
No, I pushed all the buttons
before I dove out.
443
00:19:24,251 --> 00:19:26,793
That car's gonna explode
all over the place.
444
00:19:26,793 --> 00:19:29,084
Wait, you pushed all the buttons?
445
00:19:29,084 --> 00:19:30,626
- Yeah.
- Oh shit.
446
00:19:30,626 --> 00:19:32,584
- What?
- That just locks the doors.
447
00:19:33,876 --> 00:19:36,501
But it did come
with this fun little doohickey
448
00:19:36,501 --> 00:19:38,126
from the Philadelphia office.
449
00:19:38,126 --> 00:19:39,251
[electricity crackling]
450
00:19:43,751 --> 00:19:45,501
- Holy shit.
- Big time.
451
00:19:45,501 --> 00:19:46,418
Where'd it go?
452
00:19:46,418 --> 00:19:48,626
Oh, I don't know.
We haven't figured that out yet.
453
00:19:49,626 --> 00:19:50,876
What's with the dumpy face?
454
00:19:50,876 --> 00:19:52,459
[Elvis] Missed the moon landing.
455
00:19:52,459 --> 00:19:55,043
All right, don't pout.
I'm sure we can get them to do it again.
456
00:19:55,043 --> 00:19:57,251
- What?
- [CeCe] Just... follow me.
457
00:19:57,251 --> 00:19:59,793
- [banging on car hood]
- [Flyboy] Come on. Is anybody out there?
458
00:19:59,793 --> 00:20:03,376
Fuck that fucking monkey
shoving a gun in my fucking dick.
459
00:20:03,376 --> 00:20:05,668
Could this day get any fucking worse?
460
00:20:13,334 --> 00:20:15,751
- Line.
- You don't fucking have one!
461
00:20:15,751 --> 00:20:17,084
Just stand there!
462
00:20:17,709 --> 00:20:20,126
Listen, I didn't
bloody well spend 12 years
463
00:20:20,126 --> 00:20:22,834
getting a PhD in fucking film theory
464
00:20:22,834 --> 00:20:25,334
to be thwarted by a fucking moron, mate!
465
00:20:25,334 --> 00:20:28,668
Oh, I hear you. That sounds frustrating.
466
00:20:28,668 --> 00:20:30,209
- Who's the moron?
- Ugh!
467
00:20:30,209 --> 00:20:32,293
Fuck this. I'm out of here.
468
00:20:32,293 --> 00:20:35,001
Oh God,
did Mary Tyler Moore just say "fuck"?
469
00:20:36,126 --> 00:20:37,959
Officially love her.
470
00:20:37,959 --> 00:20:41,126
Get ready to have your mind
completely fucking blown.
471
00:20:41,793 --> 00:20:43,709
["Space Oddity" by David Bowie playing]
472
00:20:43,709 --> 00:20:47,751
♪ This is Ground Control to Major Tom... ♪
473
00:20:49,834 --> 00:20:51,209
Jesus.
474
00:20:51,209 --> 00:20:52,918
Maybe Scatter was right.
475
00:20:52,918 --> 00:20:55,543
What in the hell is this?
476
00:20:56,751 --> 00:20:59,168
[The Commander]
This is history in the making.
477
00:20:59,834 --> 00:21:02,168
- Who are you?
- Elvis, I'd like you to meet my boss.
478
00:21:02,168 --> 00:21:04,251
Ooh, been looking forward to meeting you.
479
00:21:04,251 --> 00:21:07,543
Even financed that dogshit movie
next door to get you here.
480
00:21:07,543 --> 00:21:09,251
Had a whole thing planned too.
481
00:21:09,251 --> 00:21:12,376
Drinks, snacks, chocolate volcano,
482
00:21:12,376 --> 00:21:14,709
cuddles, watch the moon landing together,
483
00:21:14,709 --> 00:21:17,918
but a certain somebody was a little late.
484
00:21:17,918 --> 00:21:20,459
Well, yeah,
thanks to his vigilante bullshit.
485
00:21:20,459 --> 00:21:22,959
Also, hi, hello, I didn't know
we had a chocolate volcano.
486
00:21:22,959 --> 00:21:25,043
So, wait a minute.
487
00:21:25,043 --> 00:21:28,751
The moon landing, our finest hour,
488
00:21:28,751 --> 00:21:29,834
you faked it?
489
00:21:29,834 --> 00:21:32,584
[The Commander]
Not without help from a cinematic genius.
490
00:21:32,584 --> 00:21:34,459
Say hello to Stanley Kubrick.
491
00:21:35,668 --> 00:21:36,543
Problem, Stan?
492
00:21:36,543 --> 00:21:39,584
Our star seems to be indisposed.
493
00:21:39,584 --> 00:21:40,959
Aw, he in the can?
494
00:21:40,959 --> 00:21:45,168
[Stanley] No. He somehow accidentally
drank a Tang laced with cocaine,
495
00:21:45,168 --> 00:21:46,793
and now he's coked out of his mind
496
00:21:46,793 --> 00:21:49,084
on top of the building
and refuses to come down.
497
00:21:49,084 --> 00:21:50,709
- Damn it, Scatter.
- [The Commander] What?
498
00:21:50,709 --> 00:21:52,876
- Nothing.
- Well, somebody's gotta wear the suit.
499
00:21:52,876 --> 00:21:54,126
Ah.
500
00:21:54,126 --> 00:21:55,251
Elvis.
501
00:21:55,251 --> 00:21:56,501
- [chuckles]
- Excuse me?
502
00:21:56,501 --> 00:21:57,501
[shushes]
503
00:21:57,501 --> 00:22:00,126
Hush, hush. Don't worry.
You're about Neil's size.
504
00:22:00,793 --> 00:22:03,293
We've already got the line recorded.
You just have to look pretty.
505
00:22:03,293 --> 00:22:05,959
Hang on a minute. You mean, you want me--
506
00:22:05,959 --> 00:22:08,334
That's right.
Be the first man on the moon.
507
00:22:08,334 --> 00:22:11,084
One small step for man, one...
508
00:22:12,001 --> 00:22:14,626
- Line?
- "Giant leap for mankind."
509
00:22:14,626 --> 00:22:16,834
Shouldn't it be small step for "a" man?
510
00:22:16,834 --> 00:22:18,751
I mean,
if we're gonna be grammatically correct?
511
00:22:18,751 --> 00:22:20,293
- No.
- You know what? Leave it.
512
00:22:20,293 --> 00:22:23,918
Look, someone's gonna figure out
that this isn't real.
513
00:22:23,918 --> 00:22:25,418
We decide what's real.
514
00:22:25,418 --> 00:22:26,793
Which this isn't.
515
00:22:26,793 --> 00:22:28,793
To the world, it is.
516
00:22:28,793 --> 00:22:30,001
You know how I know?
517
00:22:30,001 --> 00:22:32,209
Because Walter Cronkite said so.
518
00:22:32,209 --> 00:22:34,709
Hold on. Is there fucking mayo on this?
519
00:22:34,709 --> 00:22:37,834
Because that would be a national tragedy.
520
00:22:37,834 --> 00:22:41,251
Unless, of course,
you wanna get back to the nuns next door.
521
00:22:43,543 --> 00:22:45,543
["Space Oddity" by David Bowie playing]
522
00:22:46,293 --> 00:22:48,709
[Neil Armstrong]
That's one small step for man...
523
00:22:51,709 --> 00:22:54,459
one giant leap for mankind.
524
00:23:02,376 --> 00:23:05,668
[David Bowie]
♪ Ground Control to Major Tom ♪
525
00:23:08,793 --> 00:23:11,043
Welcome to TCB.
526
00:23:11,043 --> 00:23:12,709
♪ ...to Major Tom ♪
527
00:23:15,876 --> 00:23:18,668
[upbeat rockabilly music playing]