1
00:00:13,043 --> 00:00:14,126
[suspenseful music playing]
2
00:00:14,126 --> 00:00:15,168
[Elvis] I'm listening.
3
00:00:16,709 --> 00:00:17,543
[man, on phone] Good.
4
00:00:17,543 --> 00:00:20,043
Be at the Griffith Observatory
in 30 minutes.
5
00:00:20,043 --> 00:00:21,543
Come alone.
6
00:00:25,209 --> 00:00:26,584
[car engine revs]
7
00:00:27,543 --> 00:00:28,834
[ignition shuts off]
8
00:00:28,834 --> 00:00:30,626
[car doors open and close]
9
00:00:33,751 --> 00:00:35,209
[man, on phone] Go to the gift shop.
10
00:00:35,209 --> 00:00:38,501
Buy a snow globe,
a keychain, and a cherry Blow Pop.
11
00:00:38,501 --> 00:00:40,709
- [Elvis] Blow Pop?
- [man] Just do it.
12
00:00:41,334 --> 00:00:44,293
Then go to the far left elevator
and take it to the basement.
13
00:00:45,168 --> 00:00:46,376
I'd take the next one.
14
00:00:51,418 --> 00:00:53,501
[computerized voice] Welcome, Mr. Presley.
15
00:00:56,709 --> 00:00:57,543
[dings]
16
00:01:00,126 --> 00:01:01,293
You're late, Mr. Presley.
17
00:01:01,293 --> 00:01:02,959
Well, it's a hell of a commute.
18
00:01:03,459 --> 00:01:05,209
And eight bucks for a snow globe?
19
00:01:05,209 --> 00:01:07,668
Yeah. We make a killing off that stuff.
20
00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:11,834
By the way, not really
what I was picturing for a headquarters.
21
00:01:11,834 --> 00:01:14,001
Oh, this? No, this is just the room
22
00:01:14,001 --> 00:01:17,376
where we murder people
who try to break into the headquarters.
23
00:01:17,376 --> 00:01:20,126
You have a problem
with our methods, Agent King?
24
00:01:21,626 --> 00:01:24,918
Well, believe it or not,
I don't really like being called "King."
25
00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:27,876
[laughs] Well, it's a little late
for that kind of input,
26
00:01:27,876 --> 00:01:29,876
because I already made this.
27
00:01:29,876 --> 00:01:31,293
[suspenseful music playing]
28
00:01:31,293 --> 00:01:33,709
It's out of my hands.
The sticker makes it official.
29
00:01:38,834 --> 00:01:40,834
[dramatic music playing]
30
00:01:42,293 --> 00:01:44,751
Yeah. Shocked silence. That's right.
31
00:01:46,209 --> 00:01:48,293
Welcome to TCB Headquarters.
32
00:01:48,293 --> 00:01:50,751
[ominous music playing]
33
00:01:54,459 --> 00:01:56,293
{\an8}[feedback squeals]
34
00:01:58,459 --> 00:02:01,543
{\an8}This is the beating heart of TCB.
35
00:02:01,543 --> 00:02:03,876
{\an8}From here, we operate in the shadows.
36
00:02:03,876 --> 00:02:05,251
Mm-hmm.
37
00:02:05,918 --> 00:02:07,793
That's pretty damn big shadows.
38
00:02:07,793 --> 00:02:09,959
{\an8}[The Commander] Yeah, she's a beaut.
39
00:02:09,959 --> 00:02:13,043
{\an8}Ten stories beneath the Hollywood sign,
impervious to nukes,
40
00:02:13,043 --> 00:02:15,584
{\an8}and completely fireproof
thanks to the asbestos,
41
00:02:15,584 --> 00:02:18,709
{\an8}which we recently learned
was a poor choice.
42
00:02:18,709 --> 00:02:19,626
{\an8}Problem?
43
00:02:19,626 --> 00:02:22,501
{\an8}Nah! Not for about 40 years,
which would put you in your seventies,
44
00:02:22,501 --> 00:02:24,626
{\an8}and who wants to live forever, am I right?
45
00:02:24,626 --> 00:02:26,668
{\an8}We call this the Eye.
46
00:02:26,668 --> 00:02:28,751
{\an8}From here, we watch the world.
47
00:02:28,751 --> 00:02:30,709
{\an8}Just yesterday, I watched H Chí Minh
48
00:02:30,709 --> 00:02:33,626
{\an8}order an off-menu fish entrée
at a bistro in Hanoi.
49
00:02:33,626 --> 00:02:35,751
{\an8}Well, that's, uh, pretty specific.
50
00:02:35,751 --> 00:02:37,168
{\an8}So was he, actually.
51
00:02:38,668 --> 00:02:40,876
{\an8}And here's our weapons testing range.
52
00:02:41,418 --> 00:02:44,209
{\an8}Speaking of,
watch out for these blast doors.
53
00:02:44,209 --> 00:02:46,084
{\an8}They'll cut a toe clean off.
54
00:02:46,084 --> 00:02:48,334
{\an8}- Gregory Peck learned that the hard way.
- [alarm blaring]
55
00:02:48,334 --> 00:02:49,626
{\an8}Twice, actually.
56
00:02:50,168 --> 00:02:52,168
{\an8}Turns out he's kind of a moron.
57
00:02:53,001 --> 00:02:55,501
{\an8}- [Elvis] What the hell is that?
- [The Commander] Good eye, cowboy.
58
00:02:55,501 --> 00:02:57,084
{\an8}We call that the Pit.
59
00:02:57,084 --> 00:02:58,918
{\an8}No roughhousing near that thing.
60
00:02:58,918 --> 00:03:00,626
{\an8}Lost a few guys last month.
61
00:03:00,626 --> 00:03:02,084
{\an8}Well, you could put a cover on it.
62
00:03:02,084 --> 00:03:04,876
{\an8}[laughs] Put a cov... Put a cover?
63
00:03:04,876 --> 00:03:06,543
{\an8}Then why even have one?
64
00:03:06,543 --> 00:03:09,293
{\an8}[loud whooshing]
65
00:03:10,043 --> 00:03:11,334
{\an8}What the hell was that?
66
00:03:12,751 --> 00:03:14,168
{\an8}[The Commander] Fucking Robert.
67
00:03:14,668 --> 00:03:19,126
{\an8}So, I assume I've got an office
around here somewhere, Commander?
68
00:03:19,126 --> 00:03:20,626
{\an8}- Uh, not yet.
- Good.
69
00:03:21,209 --> 00:03:22,959
{\an8}Then we can get it right the first time.
70
00:03:23,459 --> 00:03:24,959
{\an8}Gonna need something big.
71
00:03:24,959 --> 00:03:26,543
{\an8}Uh, your office will probably do.
72
00:03:26,543 --> 00:03:28,584
{\an8}I'm also gonna need a TV budget.
73
00:03:28,584 --> 00:03:30,626
{\an8}Mine tend to get shot a whole bunch.
74
00:03:30,626 --> 00:03:32,418
{\an8}- And speaking of guns--
- Uh, know what?
75
00:03:32,418 --> 00:03:35,834
{\an8}That's something you should
probably take up with your supervisor.
76
00:03:35,834 --> 00:03:37,126
{\an8}Uh...
77
00:03:37,126 --> 00:03:38,126
{\an8}[laughs]
78
00:03:38,126 --> 00:03:39,043
{\an8}My what?
79
00:03:39,043 --> 00:03:41,126
{\an8}[man's voice]
Did you bring the Blow Pop?
80
00:03:42,001 --> 00:03:43,209
Nice!
81
00:03:43,793 --> 00:03:45,459
[altered man's voice]
Creepy as shit, right?
82
00:03:45,459 --> 00:03:49,209
Mr. Presley, say hello
to your Agent in Charge.
83
00:03:49,209 --> 00:03:51,293
[giggles] This is gonna be fun.
84
00:03:51,293 --> 00:03:54,251
Yeah... Not gonna happen.
85
00:03:54,834 --> 00:03:56,793
Aw. Sad face.
86
00:03:56,793 --> 00:03:58,709
Oh, she being in charge of me?
87
00:03:59,293 --> 00:04:00,126
Ha!
88
00:04:00,126 --> 00:04:01,709
Gonna pretend I didn't hear that.
89
00:04:01,709 --> 00:04:03,959
Mm, that's a good one.
I do that all the time too.
90
00:04:05,543 --> 00:04:07,126
You gonna sit? For the briefing?
91
00:04:07,126 --> 00:04:09,001
{\an8}Not really my style.
92
00:04:09,001 --> 00:04:10,209
{\an8}Easier to take notes.
93
00:04:10,209 --> 00:04:11,834
{\an8}Also not my style.
94
00:04:11,834 --> 00:04:14,501
[CeCe]
Seems like a weirdly stubborn style.
95
00:04:14,501 --> 00:04:15,668
Now you're getting it.
96
00:04:15,668 --> 00:04:17,501
I don't enjoy public speaking.
97
00:04:17,501 --> 00:04:21,168
I've been told, however,
picturing your audience naked can help.
98
00:04:21,668 --> 00:04:22,959
So...
99
00:04:26,876 --> 00:04:28,334
[chuckles]
100
00:04:29,084 --> 00:04:30,209
Problem?
101
00:04:30,209 --> 00:04:31,459
Not anymore.
102
00:04:31,459 --> 00:04:33,168
So, down to business.
103
00:04:33,168 --> 00:04:36,251
We gonna talk about that shitshow
that went down at Altamont?
104
00:04:36,251 --> 00:04:38,793
- Later.
- Because that device you sent us to find
105
00:04:38,793 --> 00:04:40,668
turned that concert into a bloodbath.
106
00:04:40,668 --> 00:04:43,709
Jesus. People bleed, okay?
No time for that right now.
107
00:04:43,709 --> 00:04:45,168
We have a bit of an emergency.
108
00:04:45,168 --> 00:04:48,251
A file that threatens
to expose the existence of TCB
109
00:04:48,251 --> 00:04:50,209
has fallen into enemy hands.
110
00:04:50,209 --> 00:04:51,668
You two are gonna get it back.
111
00:04:51,668 --> 00:04:54,543
Piece of cake.
Ooh, that sounds good. Yes, please.
112
00:04:54,543 --> 00:04:57,668
[The Commander] And we need to get
the file before this asshole reads it.
113
00:04:57,668 --> 00:05:01,168
Huh. Okay. Slightly trickier cake.
114
00:05:01,168 --> 00:05:04,793
Now I'm gonna assume that
you just got your slides swapped here,
115
00:05:04,793 --> 00:05:09,168
and you just didn't insult the President
of the greatest country in the world.
116
00:05:09,168 --> 00:05:10,126
What, Costa Rica?
117
00:05:10,126 --> 00:05:11,793
I'm partial to Portugal.
118
00:05:11,793 --> 00:05:15,043
In any case, at 1600 hours and 32 minutes,
119
00:05:15,043 --> 00:05:18,501
that file will land on Nixon's desk
in his private residence.
120
00:05:18,501 --> 00:05:20,751
You two need to get it before he does.
121
00:05:20,751 --> 00:05:22,126
{\an8}Heh. Uh-huh.
122
00:05:22,126 --> 00:05:23,043
{\an8}[chuckles]
123
00:05:23,043 --> 00:05:25,334
{\an8}And by "get it," you mean
"break into the White House"?
124
00:05:25,334 --> 00:05:28,751
Yeah, fuck, break in, blow up, freeze ray.
You know, work out the details.
125
00:05:28,751 --> 00:05:30,209
It's not gonna happen, ace.
126
00:05:30,793 --> 00:05:33,084
And you're not gonna
change my mind with a stare.
127
00:05:33,584 --> 00:05:35,501
Oh no, sorry, I...
128
00:05:35,501 --> 00:05:38,168
I was just trying to remember
who you remind me of naked.
129
00:05:38,168 --> 00:05:40,001
- What?
- Loving the weird energy right now.
130
00:05:40,001 --> 00:05:41,168
[speakerphone buzzes]
131
00:05:41,168 --> 00:05:43,084
[woman, on phone]
Sir, we have a situation.
132
00:05:43,084 --> 00:05:44,334
Words. Go.
133
00:05:45,001 --> 00:05:47,918
Yeah, well, there's a tiny chance
there's part of a finger in it,
134
00:05:47,918 --> 00:05:49,043
so you're gonna have to--
135
00:05:49,043 --> 00:05:52,459
How the fuck should I know why
a chocolate volcano overflows? It should...
136
00:05:52,459 --> 00:05:54,126
It should be fucking finger-proof!
137
00:05:54,126 --> 00:05:59,334
I don't have a goddamn PhD
in fucking chocolate volcanos!
138
00:05:59,334 --> 00:06:01,251
Oh yeah? Well, you know what?
139
00:06:01,251 --> 00:06:03,459
I'm gonna come over there
and rip your fucking dick off,
140
00:06:03,459 --> 00:06:05,043
shove it in the top of the volcano,
141
00:06:05,043 --> 00:06:07,084
then we're gonna see
how this goddamn thing goes...
142
00:06:07,084 --> 00:06:08,001
Hang on a second.
143
00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:10,751
Why are you guys still here?
Please go do what I asked you.
144
00:06:10,751 --> 00:06:13,918
Uh, listen up, Commander.
I'm not stealing from the President.
145
00:06:13,918 --> 00:06:16,001
It's not stealing if it's not his.
146
00:06:16,001 --> 00:06:19,084
Same way it's not murder
if you do it with your eyes closed.
147
00:06:19,084 --> 00:06:20,168
Now go.
148
00:06:21,084 --> 00:06:25,126
Sinatra. Naked, Sinatra.
Neck down, you're Sinatra. That's it.
149
00:06:26,584 --> 00:06:28,501
- [electricity crackling]
- [door opens]
150
00:06:28,501 --> 00:06:30,418
Ugh, what do you want?
151
00:06:30,418 --> 00:06:32,043
[CeCe] Uh, bad time?
152
00:06:32,043 --> 00:06:36,834
Uh, not if your lungs are impervious
to DNA-altering nanobots.
153
00:06:36,834 --> 00:06:38,293
Let's pretend they aren't.
154
00:06:38,293 --> 00:06:42,459
Then I'd pretend to make it very quick
and only breathe out.
155
00:06:42,459 --> 00:06:44,709
Okay. Anyway, got a mission. Set us up?
156
00:06:44,709 --> 00:06:45,918
Ooh!
157
00:06:45,918 --> 00:06:49,584
So, what'll it be?
Shooters? Melters? Exploders?
158
00:06:49,584 --> 00:06:53,793
Ooh, we got some new screamers in.
Or if you're feeling a little more...
159
00:06:55,959 --> 00:06:56,959
hands-on?
160
00:06:56,959 --> 00:06:58,751
It's a non-lethal mission, Howard.
161
00:06:58,751 --> 00:07:02,459
Well, why didn't you say so?
I would've completely tuned you out.
162
00:07:02,459 --> 00:07:04,251
I can turn off my ears, you know.
163
00:07:04,251 --> 00:07:07,251
Experiment gone wrong. Or... right.
164
00:07:07,251 --> 00:07:09,168
- Howard, just--
- [Howard] Ugh, fine.
165
00:07:09,168 --> 00:07:11,168
Ooh! Wait! New idea.
166
00:07:11,168 --> 00:07:12,751
Have you seen the new tranquilizer gun?
167
00:07:13,334 --> 00:07:17,334
Metal detectors don't pick it up,
and it causes total memory loss.
168
00:07:17,334 --> 00:07:18,793
Ow! Shit!
169
00:07:19,376 --> 00:07:20,959
Goddamn!
170
00:07:21,459 --> 00:07:23,251
Ugh! What do you two want?
171
00:07:24,626 --> 00:07:26,959
Okay. Guess we're off to DC.
172
00:07:26,959 --> 00:07:30,376
Yep. And your flight
leaves LAX in an hour.
173
00:07:30,959 --> 00:07:32,626
[Elvis] Well, now, hang on a second.
174
00:07:33,126 --> 00:07:36,751
Don't you have some kind
of badass spy plane that we can use?
175
00:07:36,751 --> 00:07:38,793
Of course we do.
Don't be stupid. I'll be on that.
176
00:07:38,793 --> 00:07:42,501
But the Commander wants us to keep up
appearances, so you'll be flying...
177
00:07:42,501 --> 00:07:44,584
[baby crying]
178
00:07:45,459 --> 00:07:46,834
[man coughing]
179
00:07:48,751 --> 00:07:50,751
{\an8}[crowd shouting angrily]
180
00:07:52,793 --> 00:07:53,626
Wait a minute.
181
00:07:53,626 --> 00:07:58,459
So, you want me to help you break into
the second-greatest home in America,
182
00:07:58,459 --> 00:08:00,959
and I don't even get
any kickass spy gadgets?
183
00:08:00,959 --> 00:08:02,126
Come on, CeCe.
184
00:08:02,126 --> 00:08:03,876
Look, I signed for the tranq gun,
185
00:08:03,876 --> 00:08:06,334
and the paperwork trolls
are so anal it's weird.
186
00:08:07,543 --> 00:08:08,709
Fine.
187
00:08:08,709 --> 00:08:09,751
Here. Take this.
188
00:08:09,751 --> 00:08:12,876
There we go, there we go,
there we go, there we go.
189
00:08:12,876 --> 00:08:14,626
[laughs]
190
00:08:14,626 --> 00:08:17,209
Now we're cookin', CeCe with an E.
What's it do?
191
00:08:17,209 --> 00:08:19,001
How the fuck should I know?
I didn't make it.
192
00:08:19,001 --> 00:08:20,168
[Bobby Ray] Say cheese!
193
00:08:20,168 --> 00:08:22,293
- [camera snaps]
- [Elvis] Yeah. Okay.
194
00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:25,501
Maybe a few less photos
of our secret spy mission, buddy.
195
00:08:25,501 --> 00:08:28,626
Uh-huh, which those two are not coming on.
196
00:08:28,626 --> 00:08:30,459
Bobby Ray is my right hand.
197
00:08:30,459 --> 00:08:33,043
And Scatter's a grenade in my other hand.
198
00:08:33,043 --> 00:08:35,834
If I'm on the mission, they are too.
199
00:08:35,834 --> 00:08:37,459
Yeah, okay, just keep Nixon busy
200
00:08:37,459 --> 00:08:39,584
while I fake-join
a tour group and grab the file.
201
00:08:39,584 --> 00:08:41,543
Hang on. A tour? Can I do that?
202
00:08:41,543 --> 00:08:43,751
Nope. But how about the next best thing?
203
00:08:44,418 --> 00:08:47,293
{\an8}Howard shoved that disaster in my bag
when he heard we were coming here.
204
00:08:47,293 --> 00:08:49,043
{\an8}Hot damn, it's also an audiobook!
205
00:08:49,043 --> 00:08:51,209
{\an8}Yeah. He said it would blow your mind.
206
00:08:51,209 --> 00:08:54,209
Which, knowing Howard, might mean
literally, so I'd be careful with that.
207
00:08:54,959 --> 00:08:56,418
- [beeps]
- [CeCe] Well, your funeral.
208
00:08:56,418 --> 00:08:58,168
Now are you sure you can get to Nixon?
209
00:08:58,168 --> 00:09:00,376
An idea or two, mostly along the lines of...
210
00:09:01,959 --> 00:09:04,459
Elvis Presley, to see the President.
211
00:09:06,501 --> 00:09:07,626
Okay, that was pretty cool.
212
00:09:07,626 --> 00:09:09,459
- [metal detector beeps]
- [agent] Sorry, Elvis.
213
00:09:09,459 --> 00:09:12,001
I-I'm a giant fan, I really am,
214
00:09:12,001 --> 00:09:13,459
but you can't take this in.
215
00:09:13,459 --> 00:09:15,876
But it's a gift. For the President.
216
00:09:15,876 --> 00:09:17,084
The President? Really?
217
00:09:17,084 --> 00:09:20,251
Well, as soon
as you get me a cool box for it, it is.
218
00:09:20,251 --> 00:09:24,251
Oh, wait, then I know there's
a really cool box in the Lincoln Bedroom.
219
00:09:24,251 --> 00:09:25,293
Works for me, friend.
220
00:09:25,293 --> 00:09:26,668
Yes, sir!
221
00:09:28,668 --> 00:09:30,751
You got to be fucking kidding me.
That actually worked?
222
00:09:30,751 --> 00:09:31,959
[chuckles]
223
00:09:31,959 --> 00:09:33,959
You're in my world now.
224
00:09:33,959 --> 00:09:37,543
Which apparently includes
one very stupid Secret Service agent.
225
00:09:38,334 --> 00:09:39,459
[camera snaps]
226
00:09:39,459 --> 00:09:41,834
[Howard, over recording]
Hi, and welcome to the White House,
227
00:09:41,834 --> 00:09:45,459
a structure that was stolen
brick-by-brick from France,
228
00:09:45,459 --> 00:09:49,043
and then reassembled in reverse
so no one would notice.
229
00:09:49,043 --> 00:09:50,293
What?
230
00:09:50,293 --> 00:09:53,418
By now you should be passing
the Roosevelt Room,
231
00:09:53,418 --> 00:09:55,709
named after President Teddy Roosevelt,
232
00:09:55,709 --> 00:10:00,209
who himself was named after the bear
that ate his mother and then raised him.
233
00:10:00,209 --> 00:10:03,293
Hey, E! Room's named after a bear,
by the way.
234
00:10:03,293 --> 00:10:06,751
I get that you want him on the mission,
but does he have to be on the comms?
235
00:10:06,751 --> 00:10:08,501
Hey, you gave him the book.
236
00:10:08,501 --> 00:10:09,709
Take away his earpiece.
237
00:10:09,709 --> 00:10:11,168
I don't think I will.
238
00:10:11,168 --> 00:10:13,459
Not your call. I'm the Agent in Charge.
239
00:10:13,459 --> 00:10:15,668
Then charge on over and handle it.
240
00:10:15,668 --> 00:10:17,751
[CeCe, over radio]
I need you focused on the mission.
241
00:10:17,751 --> 00:10:18,959
Who, yours or mine?
242
00:10:18,959 --> 00:10:20,626
It's the same mission!
243
00:10:20,626 --> 00:10:22,084
Wrong.
244
00:10:22,084 --> 00:10:23,876
You see, you're here to steal.
245
00:10:23,876 --> 00:10:27,668
I'm here to prove
that Nixon is tied with yours truly
246
00:10:27,668 --> 00:10:29,668
for the World's Greatest American.
247
00:10:29,668 --> 00:10:33,126
Spoiler alert,
the guy actually completely sucks balls.
248
00:10:33,126 --> 00:10:35,834
Get ready to be wrong one more time.
249
00:10:35,834 --> 00:10:37,251
[Nixon] Mr. Presley.
250
00:10:38,251 --> 00:10:40,501
It's an absolute honor to meet you, sir.
251
00:10:40,501 --> 00:10:41,751
[CeCe] Ugh, gross.
252
00:10:41,751 --> 00:10:45,001
Mr. President, honor is all mine, sir.
253
00:10:45,001 --> 00:10:47,001
You are truly a great American.
254
00:10:47,001 --> 00:10:48,001
[Nixon] Oh, thank you.
255
00:10:48,001 --> 00:10:50,459
[CeCe] Couldn't quite hear that last part,
but just curious.
256
00:10:50,459 --> 00:10:53,084
What's the view like fully up his ass?
257
00:10:56,209 --> 00:10:58,168
[Howard] Completed in 1909,
258
00:10:58,168 --> 00:11:01,668
the Oval Office was designed
by a guy named Brian,
259
00:11:01,668 --> 00:11:05,168
who believed all right angles
were a sign of the apocalypse.
260
00:11:05,168 --> 00:11:06,459
Which they are.
261
00:11:07,876 --> 00:11:11,043
Total fucking idiot.
What a bunch of bullshit.
262
00:11:12,418 --> 00:11:14,751
Which is why it's called the East Room.
263
00:11:16,334 --> 00:11:18,168
Excuse me. Where's the bathroom?
264
00:11:18,168 --> 00:11:20,293
Oh, bathrooms are at the end of this tour.
265
00:11:20,293 --> 00:11:21,543
Mm.
266
00:11:21,543 --> 00:11:26,584
Look, I kind of had a half-eaten burrito
I found behind my hotel for breakfast.
267
00:11:26,584 --> 00:11:29,418
- Ew, that's disgusting.
- Yeah. Yeah.
268
00:11:29,418 --> 00:11:32,668
Wait till you see it. You're about to if
you don't tell me where the bathroom is.
269
00:11:32,668 --> 00:11:34,084
Down the hall to your right.
270
00:11:34,084 --> 00:11:35,459
Cool. Back in a jiff.
271
00:11:36,084 --> 00:11:38,251
["Rubberneckin'" by Elvis Presley playing]
272
00:11:42,834 --> 00:11:45,793
♪ Stop, look, and listen, baby ♪
273
00:11:45,793 --> 00:11:48,126
♪ That's my philosophy ♪
274
00:11:49,418 --> 00:11:52,793
♪ It's called rubberneckin', baby ♪
275
00:11:52,793 --> 00:11:54,209
- [stomach gurgles]
- Oh God.
276
00:11:54,209 --> 00:11:56,084
I really shouldn't have
eaten that burrito.
277
00:11:56,084 --> 00:11:59,334
♪ Stop, look, and listen, baby ♪
278
00:11:59,334 --> 00:12:01,834
♪ That's my philosophy ♪
279
00:12:03,126 --> 00:12:06,209
♪ It's called rubberneckin', baby ♪
280
00:12:06,209 --> 00:12:08,709
♪ But that's all right with me ♪
281
00:12:08,709 --> 00:12:10,001
[song ends abruptly]
282
00:12:10,001 --> 00:12:15,168
Yeah. And all those Secret Service morons
just let him in, gun and all.
283
00:12:15,918 --> 00:12:17,293
[man] Boss seems fine with him.
284
00:12:17,918 --> 00:12:19,751
[gasps and pants]
285
00:12:19,751 --> 00:12:22,209
Thanks. Wait, how did you get in here?
286
00:12:22,918 --> 00:12:23,751
[uncertain groan]
287
00:12:26,334 --> 00:12:28,043
[inhales and coughs]
288
00:12:34,001 --> 00:12:35,001
[grunts]
289
00:12:35,001 --> 00:12:36,918
Well, this has been great.
290
00:12:36,918 --> 00:12:39,293
I must say
it's been my honor, Mr. President.
291
00:12:39,293 --> 00:12:42,834
But, unfortunately, I've got to head
to the residence and read some--
292
00:12:42,834 --> 00:12:44,084
Whoa, whoa. Not yet.
293
00:12:44,626 --> 00:12:46,251
I mean, I almost forgot.
294
00:12:46,251 --> 00:12:47,168
[snaps fingers]
295
00:12:47,668 --> 00:12:49,918
You see, I, uh...
I brought you something, sir.
296
00:12:49,918 --> 00:12:52,168
[Nixon] Oh. It's magnificent.
297
00:12:52,751 --> 00:12:55,918
I bet I could take down a drug-dealing
hippie from 50 yards with this baby.
298
00:12:55,918 --> 00:12:58,501
- Technically, you could take down seven.
- [laughs]
299
00:12:58,501 --> 00:13:00,584
That's the dream. Thank you.
300
00:13:00,584 --> 00:13:05,209
For all you've done to restore
security to this country, Mr. President,
301
00:13:05,209 --> 00:13:07,376
you, sir, have earned it.
302
00:13:07,376 --> 00:13:09,751
Hey, check this out. Gun!
303
00:13:11,334 --> 00:13:12,959
[yells]
304
00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:15,001
- [bones crack]
- [punches land]
305
00:13:15,001 --> 00:13:16,501
[cackles]
306
00:13:16,501 --> 00:13:18,918
I'm just fucking with you boys.
307
00:13:20,876 --> 00:13:21,709
[groans]
308
00:13:23,459 --> 00:13:24,876
That's a good one, Mr. President.
309
00:13:24,876 --> 00:13:26,709
[CeCe] Yeah. What a charmer.
310
00:13:27,418 --> 00:13:29,168
Damn it. This hallway should be empty.
311
00:13:29,168 --> 00:13:31,459
But of course
Nixon has private security douchebags.
312
00:13:31,459 --> 00:13:33,834
[sighs] We gotta get past those guys.
313
00:13:33,834 --> 00:13:36,543
Wait, what are you doing?
Are you stealing?
314
00:13:36,543 --> 00:13:39,459
- [innocent grunt]
- Don't worry. I steal too. All the time.
315
00:13:39,459 --> 00:13:40,918
I just call it "souveniring."
316
00:13:40,918 --> 00:13:42,501
It's all about the branding these days.
317
00:13:42,501 --> 00:13:45,334
- [footsteps]
- Shit. Need a Plan B, fast.
318
00:13:45,334 --> 00:13:46,626
[gibbering]
319
00:13:47,793 --> 00:13:49,793
[funky suspense music playing]
320
00:13:51,334 --> 00:13:52,168
[Scatter yells]
321
00:13:54,251 --> 00:13:55,876
[beckoning grunts]
322
00:13:58,543 --> 00:14:01,501
Well, one great gift deserves another.
323
00:14:01,501 --> 00:14:03,918
I understand you like badges.
324
00:14:05,209 --> 00:14:07,626
Federal Narcotics Officer.
325
00:14:07,626 --> 00:14:11,293
Just flash that baby if any staties
give you trouble on the highway.
326
00:14:11,293 --> 00:14:12,376
Wow.
327
00:14:12,376 --> 00:14:14,251
I absolutely love it, sir.
328
00:14:14,251 --> 00:14:18,709
What a generous, awesome,
great-guy thing to do, Mr. President.
329
00:14:18,709 --> 00:14:22,418
It's an incredibly irresponsible
abuse of power, but sure, why not?
330
00:14:22,418 --> 00:14:25,043
You know, a few really stupid people
331
00:14:25,043 --> 00:14:27,793
don't realize
what a great American you are, sir.
332
00:14:27,793 --> 00:14:29,751
Little busy here,
so if you can distract him
333
00:14:29,751 --> 00:14:32,334
without actually blowing the guy,
that would be great.
334
00:14:32,334 --> 00:14:33,751
[funky music playing]
335
00:14:39,959 --> 00:14:41,043
[sniffing]
336
00:14:41,043 --> 00:14:45,834
Uh, is it just me, or does one of us
smell like unwashed ass and beef jerky?
337
00:14:45,834 --> 00:14:47,293
[Scatter gibbers]
338
00:14:47,293 --> 00:14:49,376
Ah, see? I knew it. Awesome.
339
00:14:50,043 --> 00:14:52,918
Now, the badge
is only honorary, of course.
340
00:14:52,918 --> 00:14:54,751
Well, let's play it by ear.
341
00:14:54,751 --> 00:14:58,459
But that doesn't mean you can't
beat the crap out of some criminals for me
342
00:14:58,459 --> 00:14:59,876
from time to time, right?
343
00:14:59,876 --> 00:15:01,293
[cackles]
344
00:15:02,001 --> 00:15:03,793
[laughs]
345
00:15:06,209 --> 00:15:09,043
Also maybe beat up a few Jews
while you're at it.
346
00:15:10,459 --> 00:15:12,418
- Do what now?
- Ooh! That took a turn.
347
00:15:12,418 --> 00:15:13,793
Sorry. Did I say "Jews"?
348
00:15:13,793 --> 00:15:14,959
I, uh...
349
00:15:14,959 --> 00:15:18,876
I meant Negroes. They blend for me,
and sometimes literally.
350
00:15:19,376 --> 00:15:20,751
[cackles]
351
00:15:21,709 --> 00:15:25,668
Don't get me started on crossbreeding.
[laughing]
352
00:15:25,668 --> 00:15:26,834
[CeCe] There it is.
353
00:15:26,834 --> 00:15:28,251
Moron.
354
00:15:28,251 --> 00:15:29,543
Status report.
355
00:15:29,543 --> 00:15:31,501
Crawling through a metal tube
with a monkey.
356
00:15:31,501 --> 00:15:33,876
Well, that sounds
distressingly off-mission.
357
00:15:33,876 --> 00:15:35,126
Don't worry, we're close.
358
00:15:35,126 --> 00:15:37,209
Just keep me posted. And get it done.
359
00:15:38,001 --> 00:15:39,084
Same goes for you.
360
00:15:39,626 --> 00:15:41,251
Because if you're not done
in five minutes,
361
00:15:41,251 --> 00:15:42,751
these chocolate stains
362
00:15:43,376 --> 00:15:44,918
become bloodstains.
363
00:15:44,918 --> 00:15:47,418
- [grunting softly]
- Okay, that's the residence, dead ahead.
364
00:15:47,418 --> 00:15:48,751
[gibbers]
365
00:15:48,751 --> 00:15:50,918
What, the tranq gun? Ugh, fine.
366
00:15:50,918 --> 00:15:53,834
Hey, hey! Look at me.
For emergencies only.
367
00:15:54,459 --> 00:15:55,834
And a few extras for fun.
368
00:16:03,293 --> 00:16:04,126
[gasps]
369
00:16:04,126 --> 00:16:06,376
Did you just shoot the First Lady?
370
00:16:06,376 --> 00:16:07,584
Wait, wrong tone.
371
00:16:07,584 --> 00:16:11,001
[laughing]
Did you just shoot the First fucking Lady?
372
00:16:11,876 --> 00:16:14,334
Hilarious! Okay, now watch the door, okay?
373
00:16:14,334 --> 00:16:15,251
[Scatter grunts]
374
00:16:17,418 --> 00:16:19,043
[agent] Please. Already?
375
00:16:19,043 --> 00:16:20,584
It's barely two o'clock.
376
00:16:20,584 --> 00:16:21,584
Ah!
377
00:16:21,584 --> 00:16:25,043
Helping a VIP guest like Elvis
does not make me a groupie--
378
00:16:25,043 --> 00:16:25,959
Ah!
379
00:16:25,959 --> 00:16:26,959
[body thuds]
380
00:16:27,834 --> 00:16:29,418
So, when you think about it,
381
00:16:29,418 --> 00:16:31,959
the Vietnam War
is really just the Lord's way
382
00:16:31,959 --> 00:16:34,918
of ridding the world
of another mongoloid bloodline.
383
00:16:34,918 --> 00:16:38,668
Yep. I can think
of a bloodline I'd love to get rid of,
384
00:16:39,793 --> 00:16:40,626
sir.
385
00:16:40,626 --> 00:16:42,626
[Nixon] Ha! I bet you can.
386
00:16:43,209 --> 00:16:46,709
You know, Jesus loves napalm.
It's in Corinthians.
387
00:16:46,709 --> 00:16:48,126
- Of course, they call it...
- [groans]
388
00:16:48,126 --> 00:16:50,043
Can't take much more of this.
389
00:16:50,043 --> 00:16:52,668
Yeah, even that weird-ass book
was better than this shit.
390
00:16:52,668 --> 00:16:54,043
[Nixon] Jesus, is that the time?
391
00:16:54,043 --> 00:16:55,793
Sorry, I need
to get back to the residence.
392
00:16:55,793 --> 00:16:57,584
Great! Please do. Sounds good.
393
00:16:57,584 --> 00:16:59,501
[CeCe] No! No! Sounds bad.
394
00:16:59,501 --> 00:17:01,001
We're still in here.
395
00:17:01,001 --> 00:17:02,918
Stall your shitty, racist hero.
396
00:17:02,918 --> 00:17:05,793
Well, it was great meeting
a like-minded man of action.
397
00:17:05,793 --> 00:17:08,376
No, you know what?
Can you wait a second, Mr. President?
398
00:17:08,376 --> 00:17:09,709
Let's get a photo together.
399
00:17:11,168 --> 00:17:13,043
I love it! Make it quick.
400
00:17:15,043 --> 00:17:16,709
Let's do this, CeCe.
401
00:17:16,709 --> 00:17:18,251
Excuse me!
402
00:17:18,251 --> 00:17:20,709
Please don't take that tone
with the Agent in Charge.
403
00:17:20,709 --> 00:17:22,501
[Elvis] Which you're still not.
404
00:17:22,501 --> 00:17:24,709
Get the file.
405
00:17:25,251 --> 00:17:27,001
What file? Oh, right, right, right.
406
00:17:28,168 --> 00:17:30,043
Oh, hello. That was easy.
407
00:17:30,043 --> 00:17:31,918
Hell of a grip, son.
408
00:17:33,084 --> 00:17:34,376
Feel free to loosen up.
409
00:17:34,876 --> 00:17:36,709
Take the picture, Bobby Ray.
410
00:17:36,709 --> 00:17:38,043
Take your time.
411
00:17:38,543 --> 00:17:40,959
Take your time.
412
00:17:41,501 --> 00:17:43,209
Whoops! Left the lens cap on.
413
00:17:43,209 --> 00:17:44,751
[laughs] Whoopsie-daisy.
414
00:17:44,751 --> 00:17:45,668
Hang on.
415
00:17:46,168 --> 00:17:48,126
Oh man, no flash.
416
00:17:48,126 --> 00:17:49,834
Whoops. Uh, hang on.
417
00:17:50,418 --> 00:17:53,293
Now, what does this button here do?
418
00:17:53,293 --> 00:17:56,918
Oh hell, I hadn't used
one of these in a while.
419
00:17:57,459 --> 00:18:00,251
- Don't have all day here.
- Oh, it won't take a minute, Dick.
420
00:18:00,251 --> 00:18:03,668
- Excuse me?
- Oh no, no, no. Not like "dick," Dick.
421
00:18:04,251 --> 00:18:08,293
Not like some spineless, lowlife
piece of shit on the bottom of my boot
422
00:18:08,293 --> 00:18:11,709
that gets scraped off
onto a bigger pile of shit, kind of dick.
423
00:18:12,293 --> 00:18:15,793
No. Like your name, Mr. President. Dick.
424
00:18:15,793 --> 00:18:18,876
- I prefer "Mr. President."
- I'll try to remember that.
425
00:18:18,876 --> 00:18:20,376
[CeCe] Good news, I got the file.
426
00:18:20,376 --> 00:18:24,543
And even gooder news, he had
two letter openers, so we each get one.
427
00:18:25,043 --> 00:18:26,043
Ooh.
428
00:18:26,043 --> 00:18:28,126
Okay. What'd I miss?
429
00:18:28,126 --> 00:18:30,293
[Scatter slurps, sighs]
430
00:18:30,293 --> 00:18:32,376
- [barks]
- [gibbers]
431
00:18:32,376 --> 00:18:34,043
[laughs] Okay, fun thought,
432
00:18:34,043 --> 00:18:35,626
but no live souvenirs.
433
00:18:35,626 --> 00:18:36,959
[Bobby Ray] Damn it!
434
00:18:36,959 --> 00:18:40,084
Okay, flash on, film in, cap off,
435
00:18:40,084 --> 00:18:42,043
no scary birds at the window,
436
00:18:42,043 --> 00:18:44,501
and are we ready?
437
00:18:45,001 --> 00:18:46,126
[camera snaps]
438
00:18:46,126 --> 00:18:48,751
Quite a grip there. Almost broke my hand.
439
00:18:48,751 --> 00:18:50,876
Well, you can't blame a guy for trying.
440
00:18:52,043 --> 00:18:54,418
Should've just shot that racist bastard.
441
00:18:54,418 --> 00:18:58,376
On a secret TCB mission.
Heh! Would've made a splash.
442
00:18:58,376 --> 00:19:00,168
[CeCe] What are you two talking about?
443
00:19:00,168 --> 00:19:02,918
Please tell me
you morons aren't talking about TCB
444
00:19:02,918 --> 00:19:05,959
during the mission that's about
hiding the existence of TCB.
445
00:19:05,959 --> 00:19:08,459
Don't worry, the asshole's gone.
446
00:19:08,459 --> 00:19:10,959
Nixon records everything
in the Oval Office, jackass.
447
00:19:10,959 --> 00:19:13,251
We're screwed.
Like, in every fucking hole.
448
00:19:14,168 --> 00:19:17,168
This is why you shouldn't be in charge.
449
00:19:17,168 --> 00:19:18,584
Mistakes like this.
450
00:19:20,043 --> 00:19:20,876
[CeCe] Psst!
451
00:19:23,709 --> 00:19:24,876
Okay, this is bad.
452
00:19:24,876 --> 00:19:26,834
Hey, at least we got the file.
453
00:19:26,834 --> 00:19:30,709
The file means shit if you're on tape
talking about TCB. We're fucked.
454
00:19:30,709 --> 00:19:33,543
Then how come the chimp's
doing his celebration bump?
455
00:19:35,543 --> 00:19:37,751
Hey! Cocaine is for winners.
456
00:19:37,751 --> 00:19:39,293
Can we just call the Commander?
457
00:19:39,293 --> 00:19:42,584
Why? So I can tell our boss that
while I was busy hiding from gunmen,
458
00:19:42,584 --> 00:19:45,543
crawling through vents
and choking on monkey ass,
459
00:19:45,543 --> 00:19:47,959
my subordinate fucked up
his simple mission
460
00:19:47,959 --> 00:19:49,959
to keep a shitty racist happy,
and in the process...
461
00:19:49,959 --> 00:19:52,251
- [sniffing]
- ...exposed the existence of an organization
462
00:19:52,251 --> 00:19:55,126
that managed to hide in the shadows
for fucking centuries?
463
00:19:56,001 --> 00:19:58,293
No, I wouldn't pitch it quite like that.
464
00:19:58,293 --> 00:20:00,709
We need to know where Nixon's
White House recording system is.
465
00:20:00,709 --> 00:20:02,209
Oh come on, that's easy.
466
00:20:02,209 --> 00:20:04,584
It's in a secret room
behind the bowling alley.
467
00:20:05,709 --> 00:20:07,751
What? It's Howard's audiobook.
468
00:20:07,751 --> 00:20:10,001
Well, it's the best lead we've got.
Come on.
469
00:20:11,834 --> 00:20:12,959
Hold on a sec.
470
00:20:15,251 --> 00:20:16,084
[glass shatters]
471
00:20:16,084 --> 00:20:17,418
He doesn't deserve this.
472
00:20:18,793 --> 00:20:21,126
But I do deserve this.
473
00:20:24,043 --> 00:20:26,293
Hey, uh, think we got time for a game?
474
00:20:26,293 --> 00:20:28,543
Uh, still on a covert mission, BR.
475
00:20:28,543 --> 00:20:29,876
That must be it over there.
476
00:20:32,709 --> 00:20:33,834
[doorknob rattles]
477
00:20:34,709 --> 00:20:37,376
Oh hell no.
Mm-mm. No more vents for this girl.
478
00:20:37,376 --> 00:20:38,293
Scatter.
479
00:20:38,293 --> 00:20:39,376
[gibbering]
480
00:20:40,043 --> 00:20:41,543
[howls]
481
00:20:42,501 --> 00:20:44,043
Okay, that works too.
482
00:20:44,043 --> 00:20:45,251
[CeCe chuckles]
483
00:20:45,251 --> 00:20:46,209
Jackpot.
484
00:20:47,834 --> 00:20:52,876
"Kennedy blackmail," "Johnson blackmail,"
"Arnold Palmer blackmail,"
485
00:20:52,876 --> 00:20:54,293
"Nixon's..."
486
00:20:54,293 --> 00:20:56,126
"Nixon's sex ideas"?
487
00:20:56,126 --> 00:20:58,209
What the hell are Nixon's sex ideas?
488
00:20:58,209 --> 00:21:02,959
Ugh. Guessing angry missionary
while watching police beat up teenagers?
489
00:21:02,959 --> 00:21:04,584
Yep, I'd say that's about right.
490
00:21:05,334 --> 00:21:08,834
Okay, I just went ahead and cut
a full 17 minutes out of the tape.
491
00:21:08,834 --> 00:21:10,626
The TCB thing is completely erased.
492
00:21:12,793 --> 00:21:14,001
[guns cock]
493
00:21:15,918 --> 00:21:17,751
Hey, fellas. Care for a game?
494
00:21:25,793 --> 00:21:27,918
["Rubberneckin'" playing on jukebox]
495
00:21:28,834 --> 00:21:31,043
♪ That's my philosophy ♪
496
00:21:31,751 --> 00:21:33,084
[Bobby Ray] Strike! Still got it!
497
00:21:33,084 --> 00:21:35,084
♪ Rubberneckin', baby ♪
498
00:21:35,084 --> 00:21:37,501
♪ But that's all right with me... ♪
499
00:21:37,501 --> 00:21:39,751
Getting the sense
these guys aren't Secret Service.
500
00:21:39,751 --> 00:21:41,501
Nixon's guys, ran into them earlier.
501
00:21:41,501 --> 00:21:42,918
Full-on douchebags.
502
00:21:46,876 --> 00:21:48,418
- [Scatter screeches]
- [man] What the...
503
00:21:49,043 --> 00:21:51,043
[Howard, over recording]
Next up, the residence,
504
00:21:51,043 --> 00:21:53,501
where Bess Truman famously killed
505
00:21:53,501 --> 00:21:56,709
several extraterrestrials
with her bare hands.
506
00:21:57,334 --> 00:22:00,918
Congratulations.
Blow-Your-Mind mode engaged.
507
00:22:05,918 --> 00:22:09,501
♪ Stop, look, and listen, baby ♪
508
00:22:09,501 --> 00:22:10,918
♪ That's my philosophy... ♪
509
00:22:10,918 --> 00:22:12,126
How does this pen work?
510
00:22:12,126 --> 00:22:15,584
Well, here's the thing. That actually
might just be a really nice pen.
511
00:22:15,584 --> 00:22:17,293
- [Elvis] What?
- How am I supposed to know?
512
00:22:17,293 --> 00:22:18,584
Howard doesn't label things.
513
00:22:18,584 --> 00:22:20,959
Damn it. Next time I pick my own gadgets.
514
00:22:23,793 --> 00:22:24,918
[man grunts]
515
00:22:27,709 --> 00:22:29,501
Yep. Just a pen.
516
00:22:30,001 --> 00:22:31,543
[alarm blares]
517
00:22:31,543 --> 00:22:33,459
Okay, yeah, probably time to go.
518
00:22:34,293 --> 00:22:35,668
[gibbering]
519
00:22:39,334 --> 00:22:41,418
Shit. Where's the extraction point?
520
00:22:42,168 --> 00:22:45,293
We got some agent-looking fellas
coming up behind us back there.
521
00:22:46,501 --> 00:22:47,918
Not to mention that.
522
00:22:49,584 --> 00:22:51,876
[CeCe]
Marine One? Oh fuck. We're fucked.
523
00:22:54,126 --> 00:22:55,084
Huh?
524
00:22:56,209 --> 00:22:57,668
[panting]
525
00:23:01,709 --> 00:23:04,418
- Okay.
- Did you get Nixon's sex idea tape?
526
00:23:04,418 --> 00:23:05,668
Asking for a friend.
527
00:23:08,084 --> 00:23:10,793
From now on, you're on all my missions.
528
00:23:10,793 --> 00:23:13,543
Also, family photo. What'd you get?
529
00:23:14,876 --> 00:23:16,251
"Truth about Area 51"?
530
00:23:16,834 --> 00:23:18,209
Oh. My thing sucks.
531
00:23:21,126 --> 00:23:22,209
As requested.
532
00:23:23,584 --> 00:23:26,251
So, uh, you gonna tell me what's in there?
533
00:23:26,793 --> 00:23:28,626
Son, that's above your pay grade.
534
00:23:29,209 --> 00:23:30,418
[laughs]
535
00:23:31,376 --> 00:23:34,418
You obviously have no idea
how much I get paid.
536
00:23:36,626 --> 00:23:38,834
Wait, are we flying the wrong way?
537
00:23:38,834 --> 00:23:40,876
You're goddamned right.
538
00:23:40,876 --> 00:23:44,834
I insist on every mission ending
by flying into the sunset.
539
00:23:45,543 --> 00:23:46,459
Fuck yeah.
540
00:23:46,459 --> 00:23:48,084
God, my nipples are hard.
541
00:23:48,084 --> 00:23:49,709
Maximum density.
542
00:23:50,668 --> 00:23:53,251
[mysterious music playing]
543
00:23:56,334 --> 00:23:59,418
Okay, Woodward.
This is how this is gonna work.
544
00:23:59,418 --> 00:24:00,418
It's simple.
545
00:24:00,418 --> 00:24:02,584
I feed you information on Tricky Dick,
546
00:24:02,584 --> 00:24:05,918
and you get to be the reporter
who brought down an American President.
547
00:24:05,918 --> 00:24:08,459
You don't call me. I call you.
548
00:24:08,459 --> 00:24:10,376
And no names. Ever.
549
00:24:10,918 --> 00:24:13,626
From here on, just call me Deep Throat.
550
00:24:14,334 --> 00:24:16,168
Little nickname between Pat Nixon and I.
551
00:24:17,168 --> 00:24:18,793
The woman's insatiable.
552
00:24:19,959 --> 00:24:24,293
Hey, hey, anyone ever tell you that
you look exactly like Robert Redford...
553
00:24:24,959 --> 00:24:25,834
naked?
554
00:24:26,334 --> 00:24:29,209
[upbeat rockabilly music playing]