1
00:00:14,209 --> 00:00:15,084
‪我在听

2
00:00:16,709 --> 00:00:17,543
‪很好

3
00:00:17,543 --> 00:00:20,043
‪30分钟后抵达格里菲斯天文台

4
00:00:20,043 --> 00:00:21,543
‪一个人来

5
00:00:24,918 --> 00:00:26,751
‪(好莱坞)

6
00:00:31,834 --> 00:00:33,668
‪(格里菲斯天文台)

7
00:00:33,668 --> 00:00:37,543
‪到纪念品店 买一个雪球
‪一个钥匙圈和一支棒棒糖

8
00:00:37,543 --> 00:00:38,501
{\an8}‪(好莱坞)

9
00:00:38,501 --> 00:00:39,709
{\an8}‪棒棒糖?

10
00:00:39,709 --> 00:00:41,251
‪照着做就对了

11
00:00:41,251 --> 00:00:44,334
‪走到最左边的电梯 然后前往地下室

12
00:00:45,084 --> 00:00:46,376
‪我还是搭下一轮吧

13
00:00:51,418 --> 00:00:52,959
‪普雷斯利先生 欢迎你

14
00:00:59,918 --> 00:01:01,293
‪普利斯利先生 你迟到了

15
00:01:01,293 --> 00:01:03,293
‪因为来路很长

16
00:01:03,293 --> 00:01:05,209
‪还有一个问题 一个雪球要八块?

17
00:01:05,209 --> 00:01:07,668
‪那玩意让我们大捞了一笔

18
00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:11,834
‪还有一点
‪跟我想象中的总部有点差距

19
00:01:11,834 --> 00:01:17,376
‪这里不是总部
‪只是我们干掉擅闯者的密室

20
00:01:17,376 --> 00:01:20,126
‪猫王先生
‪你对我们的操作手法有意见吗?

21
00:01:21,626 --> 00:01:24,918
‪信不信由你
‪我不太喜欢人家叫我“猫王”

22
00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:27,876
‪现在说也未免太迟了吧

23
00:01:27,876 --> 00:01:29,959
‪名卡我都做好了

24
00:01:31,376 --> 00:01:34,376
‪这事我已经管不了了
‪这张贴纸已经实锤了

25
00:01:42,293 --> 00:01:44,751
‪震惊得说不出话了吧 没错

26
00:01:46,209 --> 00:01:48,293
‪欢迎来到TCB总部

27
00:01:48,293 --> 00:01:51,043
‪片名:特务猫王

28
00:01:58,459 --> 00:02:01,543
{\an8}‪这就是TCB的操作中心

29
00:02:01,543 --> 00:02:03,959
{\an8}‪我们就是在这里暗中操控一切

30
00:02:05,918 --> 00:02:07,793
‪这个秘密总部也太大了吧

31
00:02:07,793 --> 00:02:09,959
{\an8}‪可不是吗?这地方可壮观了

32
00:02:09,959 --> 00:02:13,043
{\an8}‪位于好莱坞标志十层楼以下 防核弹

33
00:02:13,043 --> 00:02:15,584
{\an8}‪由于大量使用石棉建造 也防火

34
00:02:15,584 --> 00:02:18,709
{\an8}‪我们也是最近才知道石棉
‪不是个理想的材料

35
00:02:18,709 --> 00:02:19,626
{\an8}‪没问题吗?

36
00:02:19,626 --> 00:02:22,501
{\an8}‪不会 接下来40年内不会有问题
‪到时你也都七十多岁了

37
00:02:22,501 --> 00:02:24,626
{\an8}‪再说有谁想活那么长命啊 不是吗?

38
00:02:24,626 --> 00:02:26,668
{\an8}‪我们将这个科技取名叫“天眼”

39
00:02:26,668 --> 00:02:28,751
{\an8}‪通过天眼 我们可以俯视全世界

40
00:02:28,751 --> 00:02:30,709
{\an8}‪昨天 我还看胡志明

41
00:02:30,709 --> 00:02:33,626
{\an8}‪在河内市一家小餐厅点了
‪一份不在菜单上的鱼料理

42
00:02:33,626 --> 00:02:35,751
{\an8}‪也够具体的

43
00:02:35,751 --> 00:02:37,168
{\an8}‪他也是个讲究具体的人

44
00:02:38,668 --> 00:02:40,876
{\an8}‪这里是武器测试区

45
00:02:41,418 --> 00:02:44,209
{\an8}‪说到武器测试 小心这些防护门

46
00:02:44,209 --> 00:02:46,084
{\an8}‪脚趾头被降落的门斩到
‪随即骨肉分离

47
00:02:46,084 --> 00:02:48,334
{\an8}‪格里高利·派克
‪就是在一次意外中吸取教训

48
00:02:48,334 --> 00:02:49,626
{\an8}‪说真的 是两次

49
00:02:50,168 --> 00:02:52,168
{\an8}‪原来他的脑袋不怎么样

50
00:02:53,001 --> 00:02:54,001
{\an8}‪这是什么鬼?

51
00:02:54,001 --> 00:02:55,459
{\an8}‪好眼力 牛仔哥

52
00:02:55,459 --> 00:02:57,084
{\an8}‪这叫“无底洞”

53
00:02:57,084 --> 00:02:58,709
{\an8}‪千万别在附近打架动粗

54
00:02:58,709 --> 00:03:00,626
{\an8}‪上个月就是因为这样没了几个特工

55
00:03:00,626 --> 00:03:02,293
{\an8}‪你怎么不盖起来呢?

56
00:03:02,876 --> 00:03:04,876
{\an8}‪盖起来?

57
00:03:04,876 --> 00:03:06,418
{\an8}‪那就没必要发明这种武器了嘛

58
00:03:10,043 --> 00:03:11,334
{\an8}‪那是什么鬼?

59
00:03:12,751 --> 00:03:14,168
{\an8}‪该死的罗伯特·顾雷特

60
00:03:14,668 --> 00:03:19,126
{\an8}‪指挥官 我想你们应该已经
‪在总部给我准备好一间办公室了吧?

61
00:03:19,126 --> 00:03:20,084
{\an8}‪还没

62
00:03:20,084 --> 00:03:22,834
{\an8}‪很好 一次就做对

63
00:03:23,459 --> 00:03:24,959
{\an8}‪我要一个宽敞的空间

64
00:03:24,959 --> 00:03:26,543
{\an8}‪就用你的办公室吧

65
00:03:26,543 --> 00:03:28,584
{\an8}‪我要需要一笔用来购买电视机的预算

66
00:03:28,584 --> 00:03:30,626
{\an8}‪毕竟我的电视机会经常被子弹击中

67
00:03:30,626 --> 00:03:32,418
{\an8}‪-说到枪...
‪-你听我说

68
00:03:32,418 --> 00:03:35,834
{\an8}‪这事你应该跟你的主管商量

69
00:03:38,209 --> 00:03:39,043
{\an8}‪我的什么?

70
00:03:39,043 --> 00:03:40,793
{\an8}‪棒棒糖带来了吗?

71
00:03:42,001 --> 00:03:43,209
‪好极了

72
00:03:43,876 --> 00:03:45,459
‪很奇怪吧?

73
00:03:45,459 --> 00:03:49,209
‪普雷斯利 她就是你的主管

74
00:03:50,334 --> 00:03:51,293
‪这下可有趣了

75
00:03:51,293 --> 00:03:54,251
‪是吗?休想

76
00:03:55,751 --> 00:03:56,793
‪我好难过哦

77
00:03:56,793 --> 00:03:59,209
‪她就是我的主管?

78
00:04:00,209 --> 00:04:01,793
‪我决定假装没听到

79
00:04:02,293 --> 00:04:03,959
‪好样的 我也常这么做

80
00:04:05,543 --> 00:04:07,126
‪不坐下听简报吗?

81
00:04:07,126 --> 00:04:09,001
{\an8}‪坐下听简报不是我的作风

82
00:04:09,001 --> 00:04:10,209
{\an8}‪坐下写笔记比较容易

83
00:04:10,209 --> 00:04:11,834
{\an8}‪写笔记也不是我的作风

84
00:04:11,834 --> 00:04:14,501
‪固执到像你这样也挺奇特的

85
00:04:14,501 --> 00:04:15,668
‪你终于搞懂了

86
00:04:15,668 --> 00:04:17,501
‪我向来不喜欢公开演讲

87
00:04:17,501 --> 00:04:21,168
‪但有人说把观众想象成全裸状态
‪有助于舒缓紧张

88
00:04:21,668 --> 00:04:22,959
‪所以...

89
00:04:29,084 --> 00:04:30,209
‪有问题吗?

90
00:04:30,209 --> 00:04:31,459
‪没了

91
00:04:31,459 --> 00:04:33,168
‪说正经事

92
00:04:33,168 --> 00:04:36,251
‪要不要谈谈
‪那场失控的垃圾阿尔塔蒙特音乐节?

93
00:04:36,251 --> 00:04:38,793
‪-这个迟点再谈
‪-你要我们搜索的那部仪器

94
00:04:38,793 --> 00:04:40,668
‪将整场演唱会变成了一场浴血杀戮

95
00:04:40,668 --> 00:04:43,709
‪天啊 是人都会流血 好吗?
‪现在没时间谈那件事

96
00:04:43,709 --> 00:04:45,168
‪我们有点紧急状态

97
00:04:45,168 --> 00:04:48,251
‪一个足以曝光TCB的档案

98
00:04:48,251 --> 00:04:50,209
‪落入了敌人手中

99
00:04:50,209 --> 00:04:51,668
‪我要你们去把档案带回来

100
00:04:51,668 --> 00:04:54,543
‪小菜一碟 这任务听起来不错 去就去

101
00:04:54,543 --> 00:04:57,668
‪趁档案还没落入这个人渣手上前
‪一定要把文件弄到手

102
00:04:58,668 --> 00:05:01,168
‪好吧 有点棘手

103
00:05:01,168 --> 00:05:04,793
‪我就假设你的幻灯片有误

104
00:05:04,793 --> 00:05:08,834
‪你刚刚并没有在羞辱
‪世界上最伟大国家的总统

105
00:05:08,834 --> 00:05:10,126
‪你是指哥斯达黎加吗?

106
00:05:10,126 --> 00:05:11,793
‪我认为是葡萄牙

107
00:05:11,793 --> 00:05:15,043
‪不出意外 那份档案在下午4点32分

108
00:05:15,043 --> 00:05:18,501
‪就会落在尼克松私宅的办公桌上

109
00:05:18,501 --> 00:05:20,751
‪你们俩一定在他之前把档案弄到手

110
00:05:22,876 --> 00:05:25,334
{\an8}‪“弄到手”?你是指潜入白宫吗?

111
00:05:25,334 --> 00:05:28,751
‪潜入、轰炸、发射急动冰枪都好
‪细节你们私下好好商量

112
00:05:28,751 --> 00:05:30,209
‪休想 小明

113
00:05:30,793 --> 00:05:33,459
‪就算用这种眼神看着我
‪我也不会改变决定

114
00:05:33,459 --> 00:05:35,501
‪不好意思

115
00:05:35,501 --> 00:05:38,168
‪我刚刚只是在想你全裸的样子像谁

116
00:05:38,168 --> 00:05:40,709
‪-什么?
‪-特爱这种诡异的氛围

117
00:05:41,251 --> 00:05:43,084
‪头儿 有状况

118
00:05:43,084 --> 00:05:44,334
‪说吧

119
00:05:45,001 --> 00:05:47,918
‪里面有断指?确实有极小的几率

120
00:05:47,918 --> 00:05:49,043
‪所以你们要...

121
00:05:49,043 --> 00:05:52,459
‪我怎么知道巧克力火山熔岩蛋糕
‪为什么会溢出来的?不应该...

122
00:05:52,459 --> 00:05:54,126
‪不应该有手指头在里面的!

123
00:05:54,126 --> 00:05:59,334
‪我又不是
‪巧克力火山熔岩蛋糕的专家!

124
00:05:59,334 --> 00:06:01,334
‪是吗?你给我听好

125
00:06:01,334 --> 00:06:03,418
‪我马上就过去扯下你的老二

126
00:06:03,418 --> 00:06:05,043
‪然后塞进火山口

127
00:06:05,043 --> 00:06:07,084
‪看看这个他妈的火山熔岩蛋糕...

128
00:06:07,084 --> 00:06:08,001
‪稍等一下

129
00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:10,751
‪你们怎么还在这里?
‪去完成我下达的指令吧

130
00:06:10,751 --> 00:06:13,918
‪指挥官 听好 我不偷总统的东西

131
00:06:13,918 --> 00:06:16,001
‪如果东西不是他的 那就不算偷

132
00:06:16,001 --> 00:06:19,084
‪跟只要闭着眼睛杀人
‪就不算杀人的道理一样

133
00:06:19,084 --> 00:06:20,168
‪快去

134
00:06:21,084 --> 00:06:25,126
‪我想到了
‪你全裸的下半身像弗兰克·辛纳特拉

135
00:06:29,168 --> 00:06:30,418
‪找我有何贵干?

136
00:06:31,126 --> 00:06:32,043
‪时机不对吗?

137
00:06:33,126 --> 00:06:36,834
‪除非你们的肺部
‪对基因改造纳米机器有免疫力

138
00:06:36,834 --> 00:06:38,293
‪就假装我们有这种免疫力吧

139
00:06:38,293 --> 00:06:42,459
‪那我也假装这段对话
‪会在一口气的时间内结束

140
00:06:42,459 --> 00:06:44,709
‪好吧 我们有个任务
‪可以帮我们准备武器吗?

141
00:06:46,001 --> 00:06:49,584
‪要用什么武器?
‪火枪、熔化枪还是炮枪?

142
00:06:49,584 --> 00:06:53,793
‪这里也有个牛逼的武器
‪前提是你们想增加点...

143
00:06:55,959 --> 00:06:56,959
‪手感

144
00:06:56,959 --> 00:06:58,751
‪霍华德 这是一项不流血任务

145
00:06:58,751 --> 00:07:02,459
‪怎么不早说呢?
‪早说我就不听你们扯谈了

146
00:07:02,459 --> 00:07:04,251
‪我是可以随时把听觉关闭的

147
00:07:04,251 --> 00:07:07,251
‪都怪那次实验失败
‪如今看来可能不算失败

148
00:07:07,251 --> 00:07:08,376
‪霍华德 我们只要...

149
00:07:08,376 --> 00:07:11,168
‪好吧 等等 这是最新发明

150
00:07:11,168 --> 00:07:12,751
‪看过刚研发的镇定枪了吗?

151
00:07:13,334 --> 00:07:17,334
‪这是金属探测器感应不到的武器
‪中枪者将失去所有记忆

152
00:07:17,334 --> 00:07:18,793
‪好痛 该死的!

153
00:07:19,376 --> 00:07:20,959
‪真他妈的!

154
00:07:22,209 --> 00:07:23,459
‪有何贵干?

155
00:07:24,626 --> 00:07:26,959
‪好吧 我们还是出发前往华府吧

156
00:07:26,959 --> 00:07:30,376
‪好的 你的班机将在一小时后
‪从洛杉矶国际机场起飞

157
00:07:30,959 --> 00:07:33,043
‪等一下

158
00:07:33,043 --> 00:07:36,584
‪你们不是有
‪那种牛气十足的间谍飞机吗?

159
00:07:36,584 --> 00:07:38,793
‪别犯傻 当然有
‪我会乘坐间谍飞机出发

160
00:07:38,793 --> 00:07:42,501
‪但指挥官要你维持曝光率
‪所以你将乘搭...

161
00:07:42,501 --> 00:07:45,501
{\an8}‪(蓝色夏威夷)

162
00:07:48,751 --> 00:07:49,751
‪(野狼世界通讯社)

163
00:07:49,751 --> 00:07:51,251
{\an8}‪(戒掉毒品 拒投炸弹
‪马上停战)

164
00:07:52,793 --> 00:07:53,626
‪等一下

165
00:07:53,626 --> 00:07:58,459
‪你要我助你潜入美国第二大豪宅

166
00:07:58,459 --> 00:08:00,959
‪却不给我提供任何厉害的间谍装备?

167
00:08:00,959 --> 00:08:02,126
‪得了吧 茜茜

168
00:08:02,126 --> 00:08:03,876
‪听好 镇定枪是我租来的

169
00:08:03,876 --> 00:08:06,793
‪那几个文书什么细枝末节都要搞清楚
‪真是莫名其妙

170
00:08:07,543 --> 00:08:08,709
‪好吧

171
00:08:08,709 --> 00:08:09,751
‪这个给你

172
00:08:09,751 --> 00:08:12,876
‪很好 好极了!

173
00:08:14,709 --> 00:08:17,251
‪这才像话嘛 茜茜 “茜草”的“茜”
‪这有什么用途?

174
00:08:17,251 --> 00:08:19,001
‪我怎么知道?又不是我发明的

175
00:08:19,001 --> 00:08:20,168
‪笑一个!

176
00:08:21,043 --> 00:08:25,501
‪我们在执行秘密任务
‪还是少拍几张照吧 老兄

177
00:08:26,418 --> 00:08:28,626
‪这项任务不需要他们俩

178
00:08:28,626 --> 00:08:30,459
‪鲍比·雷是我的得力助手

179
00:08:30,459 --> 00:08:33,043
‪斯盖特则是我的定时炸弹

180
00:08:33,043 --> 00:08:35,834
‪只要我在执行任务
‪他们就会跟在我身边

181
00:08:35,834 --> 00:08:37,376
‪好吧 你就负责缠住尼克松

182
00:08:37,376 --> 00:08:39,584
‪我会潜入白宫参观团
‪找机会偷走那份档案

183
00:08:39,584 --> 00:08:41,543
‪等一下 参观团?我可以加入吗?

184
00:08:41,543 --> 00:08:43,751
‪不行 不如我给你这个好东西

185
00:08:43,876 --> 00:08:45,418
‪(揭秘白宫 另附有声书)

186
00:08:45,418 --> 00:08:47,293
‪霍华德得知我们要来白宫后
‪把它塞给我的

187
00:08:47,293 --> 00:08:49,043
‪天啊 还附有有声书

188
00:08:49,043 --> 00:08:51,043
‪没错 他还说听了会让你脑洞大开

189
00:08:51,043 --> 00:08:53,126
‪以我对他的理解
‪“脑洞大开”可能不是隐喻

190
00:08:53,126 --> 00:08:54,793
‪换成我 我会小心点

191
00:08:55,418 --> 00:08:56,418
‪死活是你自己的事

192
00:08:56,418 --> 00:08:58,168
‪你真能接近尼克松吗?

193
00:08:58,168 --> 00:09:00,376
‪我有一两个办法 像是...

194
00:09:01,959 --> 00:09:04,459
‪我是埃尔维斯·普雷斯利
‪我是来见总统的

195
00:09:06,501 --> 00:09:07,751
‪好吧 挺有一手的

196
00:09:08,251 --> 00:09:09,459
‪抱歉 埃尔维斯

197
00:09:09,459 --> 00:09:12,001
‪我是你的铁粉 真的

198
00:09:12,001 --> 00:09:13,459
‪但这东西不能带进去

199
00:09:13,459 --> 00:09:15,876
‪但这是要送给总统的礼物

200
00:09:15,876 --> 00:09:17,084
‪总统?真的吗?

201
00:09:17,084 --> 00:09:20,251
‪如果你给我弄个体面点的礼盒就是了

202
00:09:20,251 --> 00:09:24,251
‪等等 我知道林肯卧室里
‪有个很漂亮的盒子

203
00:09:24,251 --> 00:09:25,293
‪这就好办了 老兄

204
00:09:25,293 --> 00:09:26,668
‪我这就去办 长官!

205
00:09:28,751 --> 00:09:31,168
‪开什么玩笑?这方法竟然行得通?

206
00:09:32,043 --> 00:09:33,959
‪欢迎来到我的世界

207
00:09:33,959 --> 00:09:37,543
‪你的世界里还包括一个脑残的特工

208
00:09:39,626 --> 00:09:41,834
‪大家好 欢迎来到白宫

209
00:09:41,834 --> 00:09:45,459
‪这幢建筑物的设计思路
‪完全抄袭法国古堡

210
00:09:45,459 --> 00:09:49,043
‪只是前后方向倒转了 以免被人发现

211
00:09:49,043 --> 00:09:50,293
‪什么?

212
00:09:50,293 --> 00:09:53,418
‪这一刻 你应该刚刚经过罗斯福室

213
00:09:53,418 --> 00:09:55,709
‪这个房间
‪以“泰迪”·罗斯福总统来命名

214
00:09:55,709 --> 00:10:00,209
‪他的本名则取自一只
‪吃掉他生母后将他抚养成人的大熊

215
00:10:00,209 --> 00:10:03,293
‪你们知道吗?
‪那个房间其实取名自一只熊

216
00:10:03,293 --> 00:10:06,793
‪我知道他希望他与你同行
‪但他有必要带着通讯器吗?

217
00:10:06,793 --> 00:10:08,501
‪听好 书可是你送他的

218
00:10:08,501 --> 00:10:09,709
‪赶紧摘下他的耳机

219
00:10:09,709 --> 00:10:11,168
‪免谈

220
00:10:11,168 --> 00:10:13,459
‪我说了算 我可是你的主管

221
00:10:13,459 --> 00:10:15,668
‪有本事就冲过来拿走啊

222
00:10:15,668 --> 00:10:17,501
‪麻烦你把心思放在完成任务上

223
00:10:17,501 --> 00:10:18,959
‪是你的任务还是我的任务?

224
00:10:18,959 --> 00:10:20,626
‪我的任务就是你的任务!

225
00:10:20,626 --> 00:10:22,084
‪你搞错了

226
00:10:22,084 --> 00:10:23,876
‪听好 你的任务是偷东西

227
00:10:23,876 --> 00:10:27,668
‪我的任务则是来证明
‪尼克松跟我想象中一样

228
00:10:27,668 --> 00:10:29,668
‪是全世界最伟大的美国人

229
00:10:29,668 --> 00:10:33,126
‪小心剧透
‪那个家伙其实是个彻头彻尾的人渣

230
00:10:33,126 --> 00:10:35,834
‪做好心理准备 这次你可能又搞错了

231
00:10:35,834 --> 00:10:37,251
‪普雷斯利先生

232
00:10:38,168 --> 00:10:40,501
‪很荣幸见到你本人

233
00:10:41,293 --> 00:10:43,043
‪-恶心
‪-总统先生

234
00:10:43,043 --> 00:10:45,001
‪与有荣焉

235
00:10:45,001 --> 00:10:47,001
‪您是个名副其实的美国伟人

236
00:10:47,001 --> 00:10:48,001
‪夸奖了

237
00:10:48,001 --> 00:10:50,459
‪最后一句话我听不太清楚
‪但我很想知道

238
00:10:50,459 --> 00:10:53,084
‪他被拍马屁时会露出什么神情?

239
00:10:56,209 --> 00:10:58,168
‪1909年竣工

240
00:10:58,168 --> 00:11:01,668
‪椭圆形办公室
‪由一个叫布莱恩的男人设计

241
00:11:01,668 --> 00:11:05,168
‪他相信所有直角都是末日预兆

242
00:11:05,168 --> 00:11:06,459
‪这可是真的

243
00:11:07,876 --> 00:11:11,043
‪无药可救的白痴 简直废话连篇

244
00:11:12,418 --> 00:11:14,751
‪这也是这里叫“东厢”的原因

245
00:11:16,334 --> 00:11:18,168
‪不好意思 厕所在哪里?

246
00:11:18,168 --> 00:11:20,293
‪只有在参观结束后才能上厕所

247
00:11:21,709 --> 00:11:26,584
‪我在酒店后面
‪捡到一个吃到一半的卷饼当早餐

248
00:11:26,584 --> 00:11:28,418
‪好恶心

249
00:11:28,418 --> 00:11:32,668
‪亲眼看到更恶心
‪再不说厕所在哪里 你就会看到了

250
00:11:32,668 --> 00:11:34,084
‪沿着走廊往右走

251
00:11:34,084 --> 00:11:35,459
‪好的 去去就回来

252
00:11:44,209 --> 00:11:46,209
‪(保安周刊)

253
00:11:52,918 --> 00:11:54,209
‪天啊

254
00:11:54,209 --> 00:11:56,251
‪还真不应该吃那个卷饼

255
00:12:10,084 --> 00:12:14,293
‪那几个特勤局的白痴竟然让他进来了
‪大家全面戒备

256
00:12:14,293 --> 00:12:15,834
‪(水管工)

257
00:12:15,834 --> 00:12:17,293
‪头儿似乎对他没意见啊

258
00:12:19,834 --> 00:12:22,209
‪谢了 等等 你是怎么进来的?

259
00:12:35,084 --> 00:12:36,918
‪跟你聊得很开心

260
00:12:36,918 --> 00:12:39,293
‪总统先生 这是我的荣幸

261
00:12:39,293 --> 00:12:42,834
‪我要到行政官邸看一些...

262
00:12:42,834 --> 00:12:44,084
‪您还不能走

263
00:12:44,626 --> 00:12:46,376
‪我差点忘了一件事

264
00:12:47,584 --> 00:12:49,918
‪你瞧 我给你带了一份礼物

265
00:12:49,918 --> 00:12:51,251
‪(二战纪念品)

266
00:12:51,251 --> 00:12:52,168
‪太棒了

267
00:12:52,751 --> 00:12:55,709
‪如今我能在45米内
‪射死一个贩毒的嬉皮士了

268
00:12:55,709 --> 00:12:57,626
‪严格说来 您可以射死七个

269
00:12:58,584 --> 00:13:00,584
‪这是我的梦想 谢谢你

270
00:13:00,584 --> 00:13:05,251
‪总统先生
‪您为保卫这个国家尽心尽力

271
00:13:05,251 --> 00:13:07,376
‪您值得这份礼物

272
00:13:07,376 --> 00:13:08,834
‪我让你见识一下

273
00:13:08,834 --> 00:13:09,959
‪有枪!

274
00:13:16,543 --> 00:13:18,918
‪我只是跟你们闹着玩的

275
00:13:23,376 --> 00:13:24,876
‪好样的 总统先生

276
00:13:24,876 --> 00:13:26,709
‪是啊 好有魅力哦

277
00:13:27,418 --> 00:13:29,168
‪该死的 这条走廊不应该有守卫的

278
00:13:29,168 --> 00:13:32,293
‪但尼克松有垃圾私人保镖也是正常的

279
00:13:32,293 --> 00:13:33,834
‪我不能被他们发现

280
00:13:33,834 --> 00:13:36,543
‪等一下 你干吗?你在偷东西吗?

281
00:13:37,334 --> 00:13:39,459
‪放心吧 我也有偷东西的习惯
‪经常顺手牵羊

282
00:13:39,459 --> 00:13:41,084
‪我管这种行为叫“收集纪念品”

283
00:13:41,084 --> 00:13:43,084
‪这年头大家都很重视品牌

284
00:13:43,084 --> 00:13:45,334
‪该死的 赶紧想个后备计划

285
00:13:58,543 --> 00:14:01,501
‪礼尚往来 来而不往非礼也

286
00:14:01,501 --> 00:14:03,918
‪我知道你很喜欢收集徽章

287
00:14:03,918 --> 00:14:05,626
‪(缉毒局警察
‪埃尔维斯·普雷斯利)

288
00:14:05,626 --> 00:14:07,626
‪联邦缉毒局警察

289
00:14:07,626 --> 00:14:11,293
‪如果在高速公路上被巡警拦截
‪只要亮出这个徽章就没事了

290
00:14:11,293 --> 00:14:12,376
‪天啊

291
00:14:12,376 --> 00:14:14,251
‪这份礼物我太喜欢了

292
00:14:14,251 --> 00:14:18,709
‪总统先生
‪您还真是个慷慨大方的大好人

293
00:14:18,709 --> 00:14:22,418
‪简直就是把滥权发挥到极致了
‪但这也非常符合他的人设

294
00:14:22,418 --> 00:14:27,793
‪有几个脑袋被驴踢的人还不知道
‪您是个多么伟大的美国人

295
00:14:27,793 --> 00:14:29,751
‪我这边有点忙 麻烦你继续缠着他

296
00:14:29,751 --> 00:14:32,376
‪最好能够同时确保你的同伴不会露陷

297
00:14:41,501 --> 00:14:46,293
‪只有我闻到有人散发出
‪脏屁股混合牛肉干的味道吗?

298
00:14:47,376 --> 00:14:49,376
‪你瞧 我就知道 好极了

299
00:14:50,043 --> 00:14:52,918
‪那个徽章只是一种表彰

300
00:14:52,918 --> 00:14:54,751
‪别这么快下定论

301
00:14:54,751 --> 00:15:00,001
‪但这并不意味着
‪你不能偶尔替我打击罪犯 对吧?

302
00:15:06,209 --> 00:15:09,043
‪顺便可以替我狠狠教训那些犹太人

303
00:15:10,459 --> 00:15:11,501
‪什么?

304
00:15:11,501 --> 00:15:12,418
‪气氛突然变了

305
00:15:12,418 --> 00:15:14,959
‪-抱歉 我刚刚提到犹太人吗?
‪-这个我...

306
00:15:14,959 --> 00:15:19,251
‪我是指黑鬼 他们融入得挺好的
‪只是有时也太“融入”了

307
00:15:21,709 --> 00:15:24,543
‪我可不想聊“种族杂交”这个话题
‪一聊就没完没了

308
00:15:25,751 --> 00:15:26,834
‪听到了吧?

309
00:15:26,834 --> 00:15:28,251
‪白痴

310
00:15:28,251 --> 00:15:29,543
‪立刻上报现状

311
00:15:29,543 --> 00:15:31,501
‪跟一只猴子一起在金属管道中爬行

312
00:15:31,501 --> 00:15:33,876
‪听起来距离完成任务的目标甚远

313
00:15:33,876 --> 00:15:35,126
‪放心吧 很接近目标了

314
00:15:35,126 --> 00:15:37,418
‪随时上报最新进展 赶紧完成任务

315
00:15:38,001 --> 00:15:41,251
‪你也是 如果不在五分钟内清理干净

316
00:15:41,251 --> 00:15:42,751
‪这些巧克力渍

317
00:15:43,376 --> 00:15:44,918
‪就会变成血迹

318
00:15:45,626 --> 00:15:47,418
‪前面就是行政官邸了

319
00:15:48,834 --> 00:15:50,918
‪什么?镇定枪?好吧

320
00:15:51,584 --> 00:15:53,834
‪看着我 只能在紧急时刻使用

321
00:15:54,459 --> 00:15:55,834
‪我还多弄了几剂来玩

322
00:16:04,209 --> 00:16:06,376
‪你竟然射中了第一夫人?

323
00:16:06,376 --> 00:16:07,584
‪等等 语气不对

324
00:16:07,584 --> 00:16:11,001
‪你竟然射中了第一夫人?

325
00:16:11,876 --> 00:16:14,709
‪太好笑了 好了 去门口把风

326
00:16:17,418 --> 00:16:19,043
‪不会吧?已经醉倒了?

327
00:16:19,043 --> 00:16:20,584
‪才下午两点

328
00:16:21,668 --> 00:16:25,376
‪替一个像猫王这种贵宾办事
‪不代表我是追星狂

329
00:16:27,834 --> 00:16:29,418
‪仔细想想

330
00:16:29,418 --> 00:16:34,918
‪越战其实就是上帝
‪消灭另一蒙古人血脉的手法

331
00:16:34,918 --> 00:16:39,293
‪对啊 我也想摆脱某个血脉

332
00:16:39,834 --> 00:16:40,668
‪总统先生

333
00:16:41,209 --> 00:16:42,626
‪你要也是可以的

334
00:16:43,209 --> 00:16:46,709
‪你知道耶稣特爱汽油弹吗?
‪这点记录在《哥林多前书》里

335
00:16:46,709 --> 00:16:48,126
‪《圣经》称之为...

336
00:16:48,126 --> 00:16:50,043
‪我受不了了

337
00:16:50,043 --> 00:16:52,668
‪就连刚刚那本烂书也比这个人渣好看

338
00:16:52,668 --> 00:16:55,793
‪天啊 这么晚了?
‪抱歉 我要回去行政官邸了

339
00:16:55,793 --> 00:16:57,584
‪很好 您去吧 就这么办

340
00:16:57,584 --> 00:16:59,501
‪不好 不行

341
00:16:59,501 --> 00:17:01,001
‪我们还在行政官邸

342
00:17:01,001 --> 00:17:02,918
‪继续拖延你那个种族歧视的垃圾偶像

343
00:17:02,918 --> 00:17:05,793
‪很高兴认识你这个志同道合的人

344
00:17:05,793 --> 00:17:08,376
‪还不行 总统先生 可以稍等一下吗?

345
00:17:08,376 --> 00:17:09,709
‪我们一起合影吧

346
00:17:11,168 --> 00:17:13,043
‪好啊 快点

347
00:17:15,043 --> 00:17:16,709
‪来吧 茜茜

348
00:17:16,709 --> 00:17:18,251
‪你说什么?

349
00:17:18,251 --> 00:17:20,709
‪请不要用这种语气跟你的主管说话

350
00:17:20,709 --> 00:17:22,501
‪你还不是我的主管

351
00:17:22,501 --> 00:17:24,709
‪赶紧把档案弄到手

352
00:17:25,251 --> 00:17:27,293
‪什么档案?我想起了

353
00:17:28,418 --> 00:17:30,043
‪找到了 易如反掌

354
00:17:30,043 --> 00:17:31,918
‪小子 这握手的力气好大

355
00:17:32,959 --> 00:17:34,376
‪可以放松了

356
00:17:34,876 --> 00:17:36,709
‪鲍比·雷 可以拍了

357
00:17:36,709 --> 00:17:40,959
‪慢慢来

358
00:17:41,501 --> 00:17:43,376
‪糟糕 盖子还没拿开

359
00:17:43,918 --> 00:17:46,084
‪糟糕 等一下

360
00:17:46,084 --> 00:17:48,126
‪天啊 没开闪光

361
00:17:48,126 --> 00:17:49,834
‪糟糕 等一下

362
00:17:50,418 --> 00:17:53,293
‪这个按钮有什么用途?

363
00:17:53,293 --> 00:17:56,918
‪天啊 我有好一阵子没用相机了

364
00:17:57,459 --> 00:17:58,334
‪我有的时间不多

365
00:17:58,334 --> 00:18:00,251
‪很快的 老二

366
00:18:00,251 --> 00:18:03,668
‪-你说什么?
‪-此“老二”非彼“老二”

367
00:18:04,251 --> 00:18:08,293
‪我不是指那个被我用靴子
‪踩在脚下磨成一坨屎后

368
00:18:08,293 --> 00:18:12,168
‪软绵无力、低贱下流的“老二”

369
00:18:12,168 --> 00:18:15,793
‪您误会了
‪我所谓的“老二”是您的绰号

370
00:18:15,793 --> 00:18:18,876
‪-我宁可你叫我“总统先生”
‪-我会努力记住的

371
00:18:18,876 --> 00:18:20,376
‪好消息 档案到手了

372
00:18:20,376 --> 00:18:24,543
‪还有个更好的消息
‪我弄到了两个拆信刀 一人一个

373
00:18:26,126 --> 00:18:28,043
‪好吧 我错过了什么好戏?

374
00:18:32,959 --> 00:18:35,626
‪这主意不错 但不能带走活的纪念品

375
00:18:35,626 --> 00:18:36,959
‪该死的!

376
00:18:36,959 --> 00:18:40,084
‪好了 闪光开了
‪胶卷有了 盖子拿走了

377
00:18:40,084 --> 00:18:42,043
‪窗户外也没有可怕的鸟儿

378
00:18:42,043 --> 00:18:44,543
‪准备好了吗?

379
00:18:46,251 --> 00:18:48,751
‪握得真紧 差点捏碎我的手掌

380
00:18:48,751 --> 00:18:50,876
‪起码我尽力了

381
00:18:52,043 --> 00:18:54,418
‪刚刚真想一枪射死他

382
00:18:54,418 --> 00:18:58,376
‪这可是TCB的秘密任务
‪这种举动会让你一举成名

383
00:18:58,376 --> 00:19:00,168
‪你们俩在聊什么?

384
00:19:00,168 --> 00:19:02,918
‪这项任务的目的
‪是不让人知道TCB的存在

385
00:19:02,918 --> 00:19:05,959
‪你们两个蠢货
‪最好没有提起任何有关TCB的事

386
00:19:05,959 --> 00:19:08,459
‪放心吧 那个人渣走了

387
00:19:08,459 --> 00:19:11,043
‪傻逼 尼克松会录下
‪所有在椭圆形办公室进行的对话

388
00:19:11,043 --> 00:19:13,543
‪我们完蛋了 连颗“蛋”都没有了

389
00:19:14,126 --> 00:19:17,168
‪这就是你不配当主管的原因

390
00:19:17,168 --> 00:19:18,584
‪这种错误都能犯

391
00:19:23,709 --> 00:19:24,876
‪这可不妙

392
00:19:24,876 --> 00:19:26,834
‪起码档案弄到手了

393
00:19:26,834 --> 00:19:30,709
‪如果你们提到TCB的对话被录下了
‪档案弄到手有屁用吗?

394
00:19:30,709 --> 00:19:33,543
‪那你告诉我
‪那只猩猩凭什么嗑药庆祝?

395
00:19:35,543 --> 00:19:37,751
‪够了 可卡因是胜者才能嗑的

396
00:19:37,751 --> 00:19:39,293
‪能不能联系一下指挥官?

397
00:19:39,293 --> 00:19:42,584
‪为什么?难道你要我禀报上级
‪说我在忙着躲避守卫

398
00:19:42,584 --> 00:19:45,543
‪在通风管内边爬行
‪边闻猴子的臭屁股期间

399
00:19:45,543 --> 00:19:50,334
‪我的下属却连讨好一个种族主义败类
‪这么简单的任务也做不到吗?

400
00:19:50,334 --> 00:19:52,251
‪更遑论你在执行任务的过程中

401
00:19:52,251 --> 00:19:55,126
‪不慎揭露了
‪一个匿迹潜形好几世纪的秘密组织!

402
00:19:55,918 --> 00:19:58,293
‪换成我 我就不会这么上报了

403
00:19:58,293 --> 00:20:00,709
‪我们一定要找到
‪尼克松的录音设备才行

404
00:20:00,709 --> 00:20:04,584
‪太简单了
‪就在保龄球场后面的密室里

405
00:20:05,668 --> 00:20:07,751
‪怎么?霍华德的有声书中提到的

406
00:20:07,751 --> 00:20:10,418
‪看来这是目前最有用的线索了 走吧

407
00:20:11,834 --> 00:20:12,959
‪等一下

408
00:20:16,084 --> 00:20:17,626
‪他不配拥有这份礼物

409
00:20:18,793 --> 00:20:21,126
‪但我配拥有这玩意

410
00:20:24,043 --> 00:20:26,293
‪有时间打一场吗?

411
00:20:26,293 --> 00:20:28,543
‪鲍比·雷 我们还没完成秘密任务呢

412
00:20:28,543 --> 00:20:29,876
‪录音设备肯定在那边了

413
00:20:34,626 --> 00:20:37,376
‪不会吧?我不想再爬通风管了

414
00:20:37,376 --> 00:20:38,418
‪斯盖特

415
00:20:42,501 --> 00:20:44,043
‪这个办法也行得通

416
00:20:45,334 --> 00:20:46,209
‪中大奖了

417
00:20:47,834 --> 00:20:50,793
‪“肯尼迪的勒索信”
‪“约翰逊的勒索信”

418
00:20:50,793 --> 00:20:52,876
‪“阿诺德·帕尔默的勒索信”

419
00:20:52,876 --> 00:20:54,293
‪“尼克松的...”

420
00:20:54,293 --> 00:20:58,209
‪“尼克松的啪啪招数”是指什么?

421
00:20:59,084 --> 00:21:02,959
‪我猜是吵完架后边愤怒地啪啪
‪边看警察暴打青少年的影片?

422
00:21:02,959 --> 00:21:04,584
‪跟我想到的差不多

423
00:21:05,334 --> 00:21:08,709
‪搞定 我剪掉了整整17分钟的录音

424
00:21:08,709 --> 00:21:10,626
‪TCB的对话完全被删除了

425
00:21:15,918 --> 00:21:17,751
‪各位 要不要打一场?

426
00:21:22,293 --> 00:21:23,126
‪(克雷格)

427
00:21:31,751 --> 00:21:33,084
‪全倒 功夫果然还在!

428
00:21:37,459 --> 00:21:39,626
‪总觉得他们不是特勤局的人

429
00:21:39,626 --> 00:21:41,501
‪他们是尼克松的手下
‪刚刚撞见过他们

430
00:21:41,501 --> 00:21:42,918
‪是一群彻头彻尾的人渣

431
00:21:47,376 --> 00:21:48,418
‪搞什么?

432
00:21:49,043 --> 00:21:51,043
‪下一站 行政官邸

433
00:21:51,043 --> 00:21:53,501
‪贝丝·杜鲁门曾经在房里

434
00:21:53,501 --> 00:21:56,709
‪徒手干掉几个外星人

435
00:21:57,334 --> 00:22:00,918
‪可喜可贺 启动“脑洞大开”模式

436
00:22:10,918 --> 00:22:12,126
‪这支笔怎么用的?

437
00:22:12,126 --> 00:22:15,584
‪你听我说 那可能只是一支好用的笔

438
00:22:15,584 --> 00:22:17,209
‪-什么?
‪-我怎么知道啊?

439
00:22:17,209 --> 00:22:18,584
‪霍华德没在东西上写标签

440
00:22:18,584 --> 00:22:20,959
‪该死的 下次让我自己选装备

441
00:22:27,709 --> 00:22:29,626
‪是啊 只是一支普通的笔

442
00:22:31,584 --> 00:22:33,459
‪好了 此地不宜久留

443
00:22:39,334 --> 00:22:41,418
‪该死的 撤离点在哪里?

444
00:22:42,168 --> 00:22:45,293
‪后面有几个看起来像特工的人
‪正追着上来

445
00:22:46,501 --> 00:22:47,918
‪那个才厉害

446
00:22:47,918 --> 00:22:49,501
‪(美国)

447
00:22:49,501 --> 00:22:51,876
‪海军陆战队一号?
‪真他妈的 我们死定了

448
00:23:01,334 --> 00:23:02,168
‪没事了

449
00:23:02,168 --> 00:23:04,418
‪有没有弄到
‪“尼克松的啪啪招数”的录影带?

450
00:23:04,418 --> 00:23:05,668
‪我有个朋友想看

451
00:23:08,084 --> 00:23:10,793
‪从现在开始
‪我每次出任务你都跟着

452
00:23:10,793 --> 00:23:13,543
‪还有 我弄到了一张全家福 你呢?

453
00:23:14,876 --> 00:23:16,251
‪“第51区的真相”?

454
00:23:16,834 --> 00:23:18,209
‪我的战利品弱爆了

455
00:23:21,126 --> 00:23:22,209
‪这是你要的东西

456
00:23:23,584 --> 00:23:26,626
‪不打算告诉我里面是什么吗?

457
00:23:26,626 --> 00:23:28,626
‪你的收入级别还不到可以看的水平

458
00:23:31,376 --> 00:23:34,418
‪那你显然还不知道我的收入是多少

459
00:23:36,626 --> 00:23:38,834
‪等等 飞机的方向不对吧?

460
00:23:38,834 --> 00:23:40,876
‪你说得太对了

461
00:23:40,876 --> 00:23:44,834
‪我坚持每次完成任务后
‪都要往夕阳的方向飞行

462
00:23:45,543 --> 00:23:46,459
‪很牛吧?

463
00:23:46,459 --> 00:23:48,084
‪天啊 搞得我都硬起来了

464
00:23:48,084 --> 00:23:49,709
‪硬到不能再硬了

465
00:23:56,334 --> 00:23:59,418
‪伍德沃德 事情是这么办的

466
00:23:59,418 --> 00:24:00,418
‪很简单

467
00:24:00,418 --> 00:24:02,584
‪我给你提供那个老狐狸“老二”的情报

468
00:24:02,584 --> 00:24:05,918
‪你则会成为那个扳倒美国总统的记者

469
00:24:05,918 --> 00:24:08,459
‪不要联络我 我会联络你

470
00:24:08,459 --> 00:24:10,376
‪别提起任何人的名字 以后也是

471
00:24:10,918 --> 00:24:13,626
‪从现在起 叫我“深喉”

472
00:24:14,334 --> 00:24:16,168
‪是我和帕特·尼克森共享的昵称

473
00:24:17,168 --> 00:24:18,793
‪她真是个欲求不满的女人

474
00:24:19,959 --> 00:24:24,293
‪对了 话说有人说过
‪你长得像罗伯特·雷德福吗?

475
00:24:24,918 --> 00:24:26,251
‪尤其是光着身子的时候

476
00:25:18,751 --> 00:25:22,251
‪字幕翻译:张庆龄