(light music)
♪ I've waited all day for tonight ♪
♪ I'm watching the door waiting for your outline ♪
♪ And when you show up, your face ♪
♪ Flickers like a cinema ♪
♪ Playing all the cards ♪
♪ I was hoping to give you ♪
♪ And I got all dressed up ♪
♪ To go nowhere ♪
♪ And I wanna spend the evening ♪
♪ With you there ♪
♪ When my eyes see you ♪
♪ They go iridescent ♪
♪ I'm so wrapped in you ♪
♪ I wanna be your present ♪
♪ For you, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, I wear a little black dress ♪
♪ For you, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, I wear a little black dress ♪
♪ The sight of your mouth sliding up slow ♪
♪ Lids that half blink 'cause they refuse to close ♪
♪ Does your hand go to your chest ♪
♪ To keep your heart from racing ♪
♪ 'Cause when I'm memorizing you ♪
♪ I have to do the same thing ♪
♪ And then the space that I hate ♪
♪ Because this between us is close ♪
♪ The sounds that you make ♪
♪ To me, are pure gold ♪
♪ For you, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, I wear a little black dress ♪
♪ A little black dress ♪
♪ For you, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, I wear a little black dress ♪
(crickets chirping)
- What the fuck?
- [Patrick] Hello?
- Hi, Patrick.
(Patrick sighs)
Come on, it's not that late.
- [Patrick] It is when your kids are gonna
be waking you up in a few hours.
- Just do what Mom did, tell 'em to get their asses
back in bed or else Santa will give their presents
to poor black kids.
(Patrick chuckles)
- [Patrick] God, she was a bitch.
- Was?
Oh, right, now she's a cunt.
(Patrick laughs)
Um, hey, remember at lunch the other day
that book I was reading, "Undiscovered Girl"?
The one about the teenage blogger?
- [Patrick] Are you smoking?
- What?
No, I quit.
Stop.
Look, anyway, I just finished reading the book
and at the end Katie, that's the blogger's name,
Katie Kampenfelt, she goes missing.
- [Patrick] What, you mean--
- She narrates the whole book and then at the end
her mom takes over and says that a ton
of what Katie told us about herself,
even her name, it isn't true.
And then after her last blog entry she got into her car
and she was never seen again.
She's never used any of her credit cards
and never used a cell phone.
The mom wants us to try to help find her.
- [Patrick] So, what are you--
- I just, I need to know what happened to her, you know?
Like...
Was she kidnapped?
Did she run away?
They discovered a dead body at the end of the book
but we don't know if it's Katie or not.
- [Patrick] You're talking about her like she's real.
- She could be.
Maybe it could be based on a true story.
It's possible, right?
- [Patrick] Where'd you buy the book?
- Amazon.
- [Patrick] Fiction or nonfiction?
Wait, didn't you say a guy wrote it?
- [Elle] I'm sorry, I'm-
- [Patrick] Lonely, I know.
Get some sleep.
Come over whenever you want tomorrow.
The earlier the better.
Oh, hey, tell Mom to pick up a gallon
of apple cider on the way.
- [Elle] Okay.
Love you.
- [Patrick] Love you, too.
(phone clicks)
(light dramatic music) (crickets chirping)
(keyboard clicking)
(ominous music)
(keyboard clicking)
- [Elle Voiceover] Dear Katie, I just finished your book
and now I can't sleep.
I keep imagining your body lying in the woods somewhere.
Empty eyes, wet, filthy hair.
Bugs crawling inside your nose and ears.
It's been awhile since my mind turned this dark.
What can I say?
I'm by myself too much.
I overthink everything.
Anyway, I'm not an idiot.
I know you're not really Katie.
You're just an author.
Some dude trying to sell books.
But if you really were Katie, we'd be best friends.
I know it.
♪ Why don't we give it a try ♪
♪ So let's give it a try ♪
♪ With you and me ♪
♪ Give it a try ♪
♪ So, let's give it a whoa ♪
(heavy breathing) ♪ Why don't we give it ♪
- Do you think he's gonna write back?
- Who?
- The writer.
- Oh.
He's probably too busy jerking off in the mirror.
- What do you mean?
- Well, yeah, he wants to sell books,
but he also wants fangirls to write him
and tell him what a genius he is.
(laughs) It's pathetic.
Let it go.
- Yeah.
(light music)
- [Female Reader] Dear Katie, I loved your book.
I'm 16 and I live in a wheelchair.
What happened to you?
Are you dead?
I won't tell anyone, I promise.
- [Elle Voiceover] Dear Katie, my father was a lawyer
and a drug addict who beat the shit out
of me and my two brothers.
When I was in the third grade he overdosed and died.
It left a hole in my heart so huge nothing can fill it.
If you were real, I know you'd understand.
(crickets chirping) (keyboard clicking)
Dear Katie, one night last summer my boyfriend
and I made love for three hours straight.
Tonight memories of him tear me apart.
If you're really flesh and blood,
thank you so much for listening to me.
(crickets chirping)
(computer dings)
(Elle sighs) (light music)
(haunting music)
(keyboard clicking)
Is this some sort of joke?
Your mom said that you disappeared.
(Elle sighs)
(vape rustling)
(Elle exhales)
(Elle chuckles)
(computer dings)
- [Katie Voiceover] My mom didn't write that, I did,
and I never disappeared.
(Elle gasps)
I just wanted to end my blog forever,
cancel my reality show, so I pretended to be my mom.
- [Elle Voiceover] But if you're a real person
why is your book sold as fiction?
And why is there a man's name on the cover?
- [Katie Voiceover] Same reason I made up
the name Katie Kampenfelt; to be anonymous.
I think private lives should stay private.
I'm a big fan of boundaries.
- [Elle Voiceover] Do you write back to every reader
who contacts you?
- [Katie Voiceover] Actually, you're the first.
It's obvious you're smart, cool, and need a friend.
So do I.
And according to your Facebook we live only 87 miles apart,
which is wonderful.
- [Elle Voiceover] But if you never write back
why even bother having a contact button?
- [Katie Voiceover] Because I love being loved.
What's better than fan mail?
You wouldn't believe how much I get.
(Elle sighs)
(light music) (crickets chirping)
- [Author] Elle, my publisher forwarded me your letter.
I'm sorry to have to tell you this,
but I have nothing to do with KatieKampenfelt.com.
I have no idea who created this site
or who's emailing you, but it's not Katie,
because she doesn't exist.
She's just a character I invented.
- She is not and never was real.
Be well.
- So, what should I do about fake Katie?
- Nothing.
I'll do it.
Hey, creep.
The author says you're a liar.
Katie's make believe.
Write to me again, I'm calling my uncle at the FBI.
You're welcome.
(crickets chirping)
- [Katie Voiceover] Okay, butt head, here's the story.
I met the author at a book signing,
he clearly wanted to bone me,
so I sent him the link to my blog archive.
He loved it, he thought the way I ended it
using my mom's voice to say I disappeared was genius.
He offered to help me re-write it and get
it published as a novel.
I told him no way, but if he wanted to do it
we could split the money.
Only he'd have to promise never to tell anyone I was real.
And that's why he lied to you.
You see?
(glass clinking) (haunting music)
(footsteps tapping)
(suspenseful music)
(Elle sighs)
(crickets chirping)
(door thuds) What?
You actually don't believe me?
You really think I made it all up?
Dude, why would I even do that?
- Men do all kinds of sick shit for no reason.
(light clicks)
- Either you're a Christian or you're not.
Clearly she's not, otherwise she wouldn't
have married a Jew.
At least not that one.
Do you know he didn't even give little Olivia
a choice about the bar mitzvah?
Can you imagine?
- Bat, not bar.
- [Mom] I don't care if he did adopt her,
it doesn't give him the right to impose his faith
on a defenseless child.
It's...
Where do you think you're going?
Plate, sink.
(lips smacking) (light music)
♪ How could you do this to me ♪
♪ How could you do this to her ♪
♪ This heart below mine ♪
♪ Will breathe outside air ♪
♪ In just three month's time ♪
♪ How could you make my life harder ♪
♪ When before you were my only rock ♪
♪ You took my heart with you ♪
♪ Now I'm left in ashes ♪
♪ And nobody's here ♪
♪ To clean up ♪
(keyboard clicking)
- [Elle Voiceover] My best friend Natasha thinks
you're dangerous, but I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to be afraid of.
You can't get any money out of me,
because I don't have any.
You can't hurt me worse than I hurt myself.
The first time you wrote you said that you were listening.
It's what I need more than anything right now.
Can I tell you my story?
- [Katie Voiceover] Please.
- Are you judgmental?
- [Katie Voiceover] Yeah, right.
- My story is about the infinite stupidity of love.
You can relate, of course.
You swear you won't tell anyone?
- [Katie Voiceover] On my vaginal health.
- I'll write it out in big chunks.
(Elle sighs)
Where do I begin?
My mom made me audition for the cheerleading squad
even though cheering represents pretty much
everything I hate about America.
- L-E-T-S-G-O, let's go, let's go.
L-E-T-S-G-O, let's go, let's go.
Go, Bulls!
Thank you for your time.
- [Stoner] Dude, I would cum on her face with the force
of a thousand suns.
- That little brown one was pretty hot, too.
- Yeah.
But what if you knocked her up?
Consider the genetic consequences.
- Ooh, you make an excellent point, sir.
Wait, who was the one from the Special Olympics?
(both laughing)
- Elle something. - Right.
Cute face, but, curses on them tiny titties.
(both laughing)
- [Elle Voiceover] I knew they were idiots.
Didn't matter.
♪ Sweet girl ♪
♪ Oh you're, oh you're, oh you're so sweet girl ♪
(heavy breathing)
(Elle vomiting) ♪ Sweet girl ♪
(Elle spits)
(Elle gasps)
♪ Where have you gone ♪
(hand knocking on door)
♪ Where have you gone ♪
- Did you swallow these?
♪ Where have you gone ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Where have you gone, my sweet girl ♪
♪ Sweet girl ♪ - Thank God it's coming up.
You have been given every advantage.
Why should I pay for college?
What you need is missionary work.
A few weeks at our camp in Ghana
would wake you up pretty fast.
They live on a dollar a day!
Come on.
- (cries) Mommy.
- [Elle Voiceover] That's enough for today.
- [Katie Voiceover] Sweet dreams, beautiful girl.
- Don't call me that.
- [Katie Voiceover] Why not?
You seriously think I'm a dude?
(Katie laughs)
Fap, fap, fap, fap.
I'm sorry.
Don't be mad, it's just so ridiculous.
Want me to send you a pic?
(Elle sighs)
(phone dings)
(crickets chirping)
- You look just like I thought you would.
(light music) (leaves rustling)
- [Female Reader] Dear Katie, as soon as I started
to love you toward the end I knew you'd be destroyed.
Pretty much everyone I've ever loved has died on me.
Why is God so cruel?
- [Elle Voiceover] I hated college.
After freshman year I begged my mom
to let me transfer to art school.
Instead, she pulled strings to get me into
a Christian sorority, also known as hell on earth.
(upbeat music) (muffled talking)
♪ You've moved to the back of my mind ♪
♪ Your outline glows ♪
♪ I just can't get outta my mind ♪
(Tad clears throat)
- Excuse me.
I seem to have lost my virginity, can I have yours?
- Offensive lineman?
- Why do you say that?
- Because that was an offense line, man.
- Yo, my name's- - Hold on, hold on,
let me guess.
Kyle.
- Not even close.
- Biff?
- Nope, it's-
- Okay, hold on.
Chip.
Chad.
Oh, I'm getting warmer.
Um, oh, I know.
You're a Tad.
- How did you do that?
- It's magic and you're a tad annoying.
- Not so fast. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, too rough.
- [Elle Voiceover] They say you know everything
about a person the minute you meet them.
I sure did.
- Look, you don't know how to kiss.
There is one right way and a million wrong ways.
But don't worry, 'cause I can teach you.
And for years bitches be like damn, boy,
where you learn to kiss like that?
- I have a better idea.
Shut the fuck up.
(thudding)
- [Elle Voiceover] It went on for months.
- I saw the way you looked at him.
- [Elle Voiceover] He always cried afterwards.
Apologized, said it would never happen again.
(crickets chirping) (light dramatic music)
- [Doctor] Pretty nasty.
- [Elle] Yeah, he is.
- Your boyfriend did this?
- [Elle] Indirectly.
- And this?
This?
- Directly.
- Isn't it time to move on?
- [Elle] I guess it just depends.
- [Doctor] On what?
- On whether or not I deserve better.
- [Doctor] What will it take to convince you?
- Um, I don't know, maybe death?
I'm sorry.
- Will he let you go?
- Not without a fight.
- Let's avoid that, okay?
- How?
We live together.
- [Doctor] Do you have someone who can help you move out?
Maybe someone from your sorority.
- No.
- [Doctor] Parent?
(Elle sniffles)
(light dramatic music)
- Mom, I...
Yeah.
Look, see I...
I'm thinking about hurting myself again.
I dream...
Can I please just come home?
Um, Patrick?
If I did quit school, could I...
Could I maybe stay with you and Marcy?
You know, just like until I get like an apartment
or, you know, like a job.
I mean, I could babysit for you.
I was thinking that maybe I could move out there
and like stay with you for a bit.
I won't be in your way at all, I...
And once I get a job I can...
(light music) (engine rumbling)
♪ Dear, baby bird ♪
♪ Dear, sparrow ♪
♪ You look a lot like me ♪
♪ When I lost my wings ♪
♪ Dear, baby bird ♪
♪ Don't be discouraged ♪
♪ Baby, freedom doesn't come ♪
♪ In touching the sky ♪
♪ You look a lot me ♪
♪ When I lost my wings ♪
(birds chirping) (car engine rumbling)
- [Elle Voiceover] I hardly knew my oldest brother Connor.
He left for college right after my father died.
Then he went to law school and only came home for Christmas.
By the time I was in high school he never came home at all.
I never knew why.
- Oh, Ellie belly.
You need so much love.
- [Elle] I do.
(Elle sniffles)
- Hey, meet the in-house expert, huh?
This is my fiance, Joseph.
- Delighted.
(Elle chuckles)
(Connor chuckles)
- [Katie Voiceover] You really had no clue?
Hello?
Are you there?
Paging Elle Overton.
Please don't disappear again.
I'm begging you.
(light music)
♪ Struggling to feel something ♪
♪ Other than this pain ♪
♪ Don't know why I can't clear my mind ♪
- [Mom] Sweetheart, you're roasting.
You want a hat?
You need a hat.
(door thuds)
- [Katie Voiceover] Multiple choice:
you're ghosting me because, A,
telling your life story is painful.
B, Natasha found out we're pen pals and kicked your ass.
Or C, you killed yourself.
- C is closest.
- [Katie Voiceover] Writing to me doesn't
make you feel better?
- Does a little.
Temporarily.
(upbeat music) ♪ I don't like this party ♪
♪ Anymore ♪
♪ I can't feel my feet up off the floor ♪
♪ Do do do do do do ♪
- [Elle Voiceover] Here's the next chapter.
Enjoy!
- [Elle] Come, come on!
♪ Do do do do do do ♪
- [Elle Voiceover] When my mom found out Connor
took me in, she called him Judas.
If she'd known he was gay, she would've hired a hitman.
- I don't get Joan Crawford.
Her shoulder pads were like condor wings.
(both chuckling)
(light music)
- Hi.
Molly Andrews, such a pleasure to meet you, Elle.
- Thank you, same here.
- Did Sage offer you something to drink?
Diet soda, coffee, coconut water?
- I'm fine, thanks.
- Come in.
(both sighing)
Welcome to En Garde Creative.
- Thanks, I'm so grateful to be here.
Even just- - Your brother thinks
the world of you and my boss thinks
the world of your brother, so-
- Here we are. - Yeah.
How much do you know about us?
- Well, just what's on the website,
but I wanna know everything.
- Well, we're small, but growing.
Our work is exclusively digital,
marketing directly via email, text,
social media, and search engines.
Right now all of our clients are domestic,
located west of the Mississippi,
but we are starting to attract some interest
in the Pacific rim as well, so who knows.
- Wow, really exciting.
- It is.
Now tell me about you.
- Well, um, I was blown away when Connor told
me about the job because in college I majored
in marketing with a special focus on interactive media.
I actually left because I just felt like...
I felt trapped in the classroom setting, you know,
it just felt theoretical.
Like it was sort of just like I really wanted
some real world experien...
Oh, I got bit by a dog.
- What kind?
- A beagle.
- I had one as a kid.
It got run over right in front of me,
I still haven't recovered.
- Oh.
- Dave Hastings.
Welcome aboard, Connor's sister.
- Wait, you mean, I-
- That's right.
(Molly chuckles)
We're over here.
Go ahead, hop on.
- [Elle] (giggles) Okay.
- You might want to check underneath first, though.
Your predecessor stuck her chewed gum down there.
That's why I fired her.
- Wait, really?
- No, I dreamed her paltry.
- Oh.
- So, let's talk business.
What did Connor say about me?
- That you are charismatic, brilliant and funny.
- He didn't mention humble?
- No. - That's weird.
(Elle laughs)
- So, tell me more about the gum chewer.
- Because you don't wanna make the same mistakes?
- Yeah, I wanna make new ones.
- She was just too passive.
If there's a way for the office to run more efficiently,
I wanna know about it.
If there's something in my blind spot
I need you to scream, "Watch out".
Maybe you have a concept for one of our campaigns,
it doesn't matter if it's above your pay grade,
I wanna hear it.
(upbeat music)
♪ Who would've guessed ♪
♪ This is where I'd be ♪
♪ Caught between romantic, tragic comedy ♪
♪ I'm a girl ♪
♪ Who might now know what's good for me ♪
♪ 'Cause you're the bad boy ♪
♪ But you just look so interesting ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ I can't help it, I love feeling wrong with you ♪
♪ And we're right together ♪
♪ Or are we better incomplete ♪
♪ I can't help it, I love feeling lost with you ♪
♪ Are we lost together ♪
♪ Or do we contrast perfectly ♪
♪ Do do do do do do do do do do ♪
♪ Do do do do do ♪
- It'll be so much fun finding them.
- Hey, look who's here.
(lips smacking)
My new assistant, Elle Overton.
My wife Carmen.
- [Carmen] Hi, I've heard so much about you.
- Same here.
- So, Elle just had a great idea about
the Eye Candy account.
You know those eye test charts?
She thought it would be fun to post a chart each week,
but hidden inside the jumble of letters is a promo code.
- Baby, will you tell me in the car?
We're gonna be late.
- Shit, I lost track.
Can you close up?
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Hey, you wanna make extra money?
- [Elle] Uh, who doesn't?
- We need a babysitter.
- Oh.
You have kids, wow.
Yeah, I would love to.
I have a lot of experience.
- Perfect.
(light dramatic music)
- [Elle Voiceover] I know what you're thinking,
it was just like when you were hired to be a nanny.
But there was a huge difference.
You were way hotter than the mom.
I was a boy compared to Carmen.
- Perfect timing.
Three minutes after brewing the antioxidants
start to evaporate.
- Is that Facebook or actual science?
- It's actual Twitter.
(Dave groans)
Rough night?
- [Dave] Yeah, the roughest.
- What happened?
- Went to a cocktail party sponsored by a tequila company.
I behaved, Carmen didn't.
She, uh...
Oh, she'd kill me.
- Well, I won't tell anyone.
I promise.
(Dave sighs)
- When I met Carmen she was just a few years
out of college, I mean, still pretty much a party girl.
She said she was sick of it,
she wanted a husband, four kids, and start her own business.
I mean, that sounded great to me.
So we got married, Esme was born,
and out of nowhere she announces
she doesn't want anymore kids.
Well, that was a surprise.
When I started En Garde I assumed she'd get involved,
help us out, but she doesn't give a shit.
I mean, she wants it to succeed, of course,
for financial reasons, but that's it.
- So if she doesn't want anymore kids
and she doesn't care about the business,
then what makes her happy?
- Shopping.
- Oh.
- A few nights a week she still goes out partying
with her old college friends.
- So she's not over it.
- Looks that way.
Anyway, last night she, uh...
(sighs) Man, this is so inappropriate.
- Oh, my favorite.
- She puked up on me.
- Wait, literally?
- No, trust me, it was no metaphor.
- How does that even happen?
- I don't know, I was fast asleep.
I assumed she'd just staggered in from the loo and blah.
- Oh, my God.
- I woke up drenched in puke,
she was passed out on the floor.
I had to take her to the guest bedroom.
By the time I finished cleaning up
Esme was awake demanding breakfast, so...
Yeah.
- Oh, you poor thing.
- You know, it's nice to have someone pity me.
Other than myself, of course.
(Elle chuckles)
(crickets chirping)
- [Katie Voiceover] Your emails are like my favorite novel.
Oh no, you're depressed again.
(birds chirping)
Are you bleeding, too?
I am.
I wonder if our cycles are in sync.
You know, like roomies.
(light music)
- [Female Reader] I loved your book until
I found out it was written by a middle-aged man.
For to your appropriate the heart, soul,
and body of a young girl is absolutely disgusting.
- [Katie Voiceover] What do you eat when you're bleeding?
I just ate an entire bag of kettle corn.
(crickets chirping)
Telling your story will save your life.
I promise.
It definitely saved mine.
I know how to wake you up.
I'll tell you something about myself you don't know.
Let me see.
Okay, how's this?
I'm married.
- Seriously?
- [Katie Voiceover] We have a baby.
- I thought you got an abortion.
- [Katie Voiceover] I did, my daughter was conceived later.
The right way.
With someone who loves me unconditionally.
- I want that so badly.
- [Katie Voiceover] You'll have it,
and you'll love your baby as much as I love Sarah.
- Sarah.
That's my middle name.
- [Katie Voiceover] Cool.
Now, please get back to your story.
- Why do you even care?
- [Katie Voiceover] We're friends.
- Strangers.
- [Katie Voiceover] We're both.
- It shouldn't even be possible.
(game clinking) Good job.
- [Carmen] This one or this one?
- Um, it's so hard to choose.
- Which one goes better with vampire red?
- The black one.
- You're right.
(Elle chuckles)
- Miss Elle, you have pretty lips.
- Thank you.
You, too.
So Dave says you wanna start your own business.
- [Carmen] Definitely.
- Well we could use some help over at the office.
How come you don't drop by more often?
- You'll understand when you have kids.
This little bug kicks my butt all day, don't you, bonita?
- Except when I'm at Rainbow.
- [Elle] What's that?
- Her preschool.
- After Rainbow Rosalinda comes over, she's my nanny.
- But there are some things only a mommy can do, right baby?
- Rosalinda plays hide and seek and monsters
and we build pillow forts.
- Mommy takes you to movies and yummy restaurants
and buys you pretty dresses.
- Mommy, can Miss Elle take a bath with me?
(both laughing)
- [Dave] No, I know.
I'm not sure, as quick as I can darling, okay?
Bye.
(phone clatters)
- This is my favorite.
(mouse clicks)
What do you think of him?
- [Dave] Brilliant.
- [Elle] If you're ever looking for a present for Carmen.
- [Dave] The bikini or the girl?
- The bikini.
It's right up her alley.
- [Carmen] It is exactly why'd she wear it.
- I would too if I had her body.
Her closet is like backstage at Fashion Week,
I mean, it's insane.
How do you afford it?
- I don't.
I can't.
She blows through my trust like play money.
Each month we barely make it to the finish line.
(Dave sighs)
- I am gonna email the photographer
and see if he is available.
(mouse clicks)
(keyboard clicking)
Can I ask you a personal question?
- Why'd I marry her?
(Dave sighs)
Honestly, we had fun at first.
Went to the gym together, we went hiking.
We traveled loads.
Nonstop shagging, our chemistry was incredible.
Once Esme was born all the fun stopped.
- No more sex?
- On the once-a-month plan now.
Such a cliche.
Even a blind man could've seen it coming.
Marry for conversation, it's the only thing that lasts.
(crickets chirping)
- So, Mom called.
Welcome back.
- What'd she say?
- I'm still disowned, still Judas, but not you.
She said that even though she'd preferred
if you went back and finished at State,
she is fine with you going to any school you want.
Even art school.
She'll pay for it, too, no questions asked.
- Wait, really?
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm pretty sure it's the first time
she's surrendered to anyone since she spread
her legs for our lord and savior.
What's the matter? You won.
You're supposed to be happier.
Oh, shit, you don't wanna leave.
What's his name?
- You don't know him.
Besides, it doesn't matter, he's got a girlfriend.
(Elle sighs)
- [Connor] Is he into you?
- No.
I don't know, maybe.
Maybe.
- [Connor] Listen, any guy that you like
who's unavailable, isn't a guy.
He's a drug.
And not like a drug, an actual one.
And way back in the 80s, what did the scary skeletor lady
in the White House tell us to do when we get offered drugs?
- I don't know.
- [Connor] Just say no.
- Did anyone listen to her?
- Of course not.
(crickets chirping)
- [Elle Voiceover] I should've phoned home the next day.
It was the perfect time to leave.
- [Katie Voiceover] But you thought Dave
was your destiny, didn't you?
♪ Ain't that a nicer love ♪
♪ But I gotta tell you ♪
- Molly. ♪ I got a thing for you ♪
- Hey, you made it back.
- I wouldn't miss this.
Happy birthday.
- Thank you.
- Hey.
- Where's Carmen?
- Already passed out.
- You slip her a roofie?
- Yeah, but I didn't take advantage.
I heard there was cake.
- Yeah, she saved you some.
- Yeah? Where?
- In the kitchen.
What?
- [Dave] I'm just happy to see you, is all.
You drunk?
- Yeah.
Are you?
Stoned?
(both laughing)
- Come on.
♪ Ain't that a nicer love ♪
♪ But I gotta tell you ♪
♪ Got a thing for you ♪
(Elle sighs) ♪ Ain't that a nicer love ♪
♪ But I gotta tell you ♪
♪ I got this thing for you ♪
♪ Ooh, I hate or love you ♪
♪ More than anyone ♪
♪ Ooh, catch me if you can ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm gonna run ♪
(heavy breathing)
♪ Ain't that a nicer love ♪
♪ But I gotta tell you ♪ (door slams)
♪ Got a thing for you ♪
(crickets chirping)
- Dave and I continued on like everything was normal.
But then a week later we were at the office late
and he kissed me again.
This time he was sober and I didn't run away.
If I had been a cartoon,
my tongue would've popped out of his ear.
Then, finally, he pushed me away.
He said, "I'm so sorry, but I can't do this."
He was a married man.
I laughed.
Like, what, like I didn't know that?
But I thought he was joking.
And he said it like I was the one who kissed him.
It was nuts.
But I didn't freak out.
Just shrugged it off and said, "You're right, whatever".
Well, I must've been a pretty good actress
because he actually looked hurt that I wasn't that upset.
But then he started kissing me again,
but this time it was more intense.
He started grabbing my ass, my boobs outside of my shirt.
And then he got on his knees, lifted my skirt up,
pulled my underwear down and started licking me.
It was so fucking dirty.
It's the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me.
My eyes were open the whole time
and I just kept imagining somebody walking in on us.
I came so hard.
Then about 10 seconds later he said,
"Shit, I'm late to meet Carmen".
He got up, door slammed,
and he's gone.
And I...
(Elle sighs)
- [Katie Voiceover] What he did to you was rape.
Not literally, because you enjoyed it,
but emotional and psychological violence.
- [Elle Voiceover] How did you get to be so strong?
- [Katie Voiceover] I'm not a teenager anymore.
I understand the evil of human beings,
especially those cursed with nut sacks.
- [Elle Voiceover] On Sunday nights, if I watch
a corny Christian movie with my mom
she lets me borrow her car.
(light music) (phone buzzing)
- [Katie Voiceover] My husband's name is Kevin.
He's tall, dark and handsome.
He used to be a Marine, now he sells medical equipment.
I stay home all day with Sarah, she's three,
beyond precious, the best thing I ever did.
- How come you say you wanna meet me
but you never suggest that we like talk on the phone?
You never even ask if we can text.
That's just weird.
(water pattering)
- [Katie Voiceover] Kevin's a jealous freak.
If we called or texted each other,
sooner or later he'd snoop in my phone and bust me.
That's why I only get fan mail on my laptop
and I delete everything the second after I read it.
- [Elle Voiceover] Bust you for what?
Having a friend?
Is that an actual crime?
- [Katie Voiceover] No, but we have a deal.
No secrets.
If I told him about you I'd have to tell him how we met.
He knows nothing about my blog, my book, what a slut I was.
If he knew he would go insane.
- [Elle Voiceover] Fine, I get it.
We'll keep things the way they are.
Where was I?
Right, you won't believe this.
But after he went down on me, he put me right back
in the friend zone like it never happened.
- Being insane, I decided it was because it grossed him out.
Like there was something wrong with me.
(light music)
- [Female Reader] Katie, I just finished reading.
You've probably been chopped into itty bitty pieces by now,
but it's just as possible a miracle occurred.
I'm an aquarius, we're all about miracles.
So I choose to believe you're out there
having an awesome life.
(door clicks)
- Hello?
(Elle sighs)
- [Dave] It's just me.
- I thought you weren't gonna be back until tomorrow.
- I managed to escape early.
What are you still doing here?
Don't you have your own desk?
- I'm just seeing beyond my job description.
Working on some ideas.
- You have pluck.
- Well, you noticed.
(Dave sighs)
- What a waste of time, the whole trip.
Who ever the Japanese were polite?
- Someone who's never heard of Pearl Harbor.
- Well, at least that was over pretty quick.
This was more like the Bataan Death March
with an order of cold uni.
(Elle groans)
You want a drink?
- If it'll wash the taste of uni out of my mind, yeah.
- Fun fact, uni isn't the actual urchin.
It's the urchin's gonads.
- Make that a double.
(Dave sighs)
Thank you.
(glasses clinking)
- [Dave] So, how've you been?
- Honestly?
(Elle chuckles)
- Come here.
Tell me everything.
(light dramatic music)
What did you...
- It's manicure scissors.
- Is that my fault?
- No.
No, no, no, no, no.
I um...
Been doing it for years on and off.
It's just whenever I get overwhelmed by a situation
or I feel like-
- You wouldn't feel overwhelmed if I had
the courage to admit that I was in love with you.
(Elle gasps)
(light music)
(crickets chirping) (Elle giggles)
♪ I don't wanna tell you what you're doing wrong ♪
♪ Boy you got rocks in your pockets ♪
♪ You better stop it ♪
♪ The cinder block is dropping ♪
♪ Down beneath the surface ♪
♪ Is it working ♪
♪ I know you're hurting ♪
♪ You don't deserve it ♪
♪ Put her in the light ♪
♪ We need to see where we're going ♪
♪ Up, up, up, up ♪
♪ Yeah, we're going up ♪
(heavy breathing)
(Elle giggles)
(phone clicks)
(crickets chirping)
- [Katie Voiceover] Okay, three crucial questions
after a night of boneage.
How big was his dick?
Did you go down on him?
Did you cum?
(light music) (crickets chirping)
Waiting for my answers.
I'm watching "True Crime" on TV.
Did you know the leading cause of homicide
in women is having a smile that lights up the room?
In men it's giving friends the shirt off your back.
(Katie laughs)
It's true!
Last week a girl disappeared a few miles from here.
Stella something-Polish.
Did you read about it?
They found her body this morning floating in a reservoir.
Yuck.
Hello?
Where are you?
Are you dead?
(crickets chirping)
- Sorry about last night, I had a sugar crash.
How do you stay up so late and raise
a kid at the same time?
- [Katie Voiceover] I have a nanny five mornings a week.
I'm as lazy as Carmen.
Hey, maybe I am Carmen.
Ew, creepy.
- Not funny if true.
- [Katie Voiceover] Dude, it was a joke.
I have real boobs and hate spicy food.
Now stop being such a paranoid loser
and tell me what happened.
(Dave sighs)
- You smell so good.
You feel so good.
Taste so good.
You're perfect, you know that?
I wanna crawl inside you and never come out.
- Okay.
(toothbrush rustling)
Here's something I don't get.
If you and Carmen fight all the time
then how does you staying married help Esme?
Wouldn't it be better to get divorced now
before you mess her up for life?
- It's an excellent question.
- Yes, I'm aware of that.
(phone clicks) (Elle giggles)
(Elle grunts)
- I wish I had an excellent answer.
(phone clicks)
- You know, I'm not asking for myself, I promise.
I just want you to be happy, and Esme, too.
- What about Carmen?
- She can suffer.
(both laughing)
(Dave sighs)
- Okay.
The real reason I don't divorce her is quite humiliating.
- For who?
- Whom?
For me.
If we get divorced she'll take half of everything,
which means En Garde goes under.
- So you care more about your business
than your own happiness?
- Honestly?
I...
I doubt I'll ever be happy.
Not in this lifetime, anyway.
I want to be secure, own a business I'm proud of.
(phone dings)
- [Elle Voiceover] The letter U instead Y-O-U.
No question mark.
But the weirdest thing was that Dave
would never say fucking, always making love.
- [Katie Voiceover] Oh no, the bitch stole his phone.
(light dramatic music)
- [Elle Voiceover] 100%, I knew it.
- [Katie Voiceover] It was a trap.
- [Elle Voiceover] Definitely.
But maybe also a gift.
An opportunity.
An open door in my jail cell.
I might never get a chance like this again
and no one could blame me for escaping.
How was I supposed to know the text wasn't from him?
- I'm only happy when you're inside me.
God, how I love you, David.
Come over again tonight.
- [Katie Voiceover] (laughs) Oh, shit.
You're my hero.
(Elle sighs)
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
- [Dave] Did you just text me?
- Well, I mean, I responded back to you.
- [Dave] Shit, what did my text say?
- You don't remember?
- [Dave] Quick, tell me.
- You said that you loved fucking me last night
and that you wanted to do it again.
I said tonight.
- [Dave] No, no, Carmen wrote it.
She stole my phone.
I'm trying to talk my way out of it, I'll call you later.
- Don't, Dave.
- [Dave] What?
- Listen to me, take care of your family.
Forget about me, I mean it.
I quit.
- [Dave] What? No.
Listen, you're not gonna...
♪ What an unnatural sight ♪
♪ Her eyes, they felt stunned ♪
♪ To the back ♪
♪ Views of skyline ♪
- [Elle Voiceover] I was so excited to move on
(hand knocking) that it never occurred
to me that Connor would find out.
(Connor sighs)
- I'm sorry that I let you down.
I kinda assumed that you'd be a bit more pissed off.
- Listen.
Dave gets most of the blame.
He's older, he's married.
He was your employer.
You know, if you wanna sue him my friend
would be happy to take the case.
- No, no.
He's a good guy.
He's just really unhappy.
And...
It's on both of us.
I could've prevented it.
- Anyway, um, I know somebody who will hire you.
The pay is really shitty, but the uniform
is really unflattering so nobody will hit on you.
(Elle laughs)
- Thank you.
(glasses clinking)
- [Female Reader] Oh, Katie.
So much pain seeing myself in your words.
What I wouldn't give to reclaim just one
tick tock of my youth.
- [Elle Voiceover] It's the first time you didn't
write back after one of my emails.
Did something happen?
Finally had enough of me?
- Ready for a little uplift?
- [Pastor] And as views of his miraculous power
spread across the land the people delivered
unto our lord the cripple, the blind,
those wracked by pain, tormented by seizures,
even those possessed by demons.
(phone buzzes) (light dramatic music)
- [Katie Voiceover] Sorry I disappeared.
Kevin walked up behind me while I was on my computer,
he asked who I was writing to and I had no choice.
I told him the truth.
About you, about my book.
He freaked out.
He thinks the fact that you won't meet me in person
means you're a dude who wants to rape me.
But even if he's wrong he said he still hates
your guts because I kept you a secret.
Anyway, he made me promise never to write you again.
I lied and said okay.
Like I'd ever let a man control my existence.
He should know better.
Go on with your story.
Please tell me Dave was history.
- [Man] The chosen will banish the demons,
speak in new tongues, bring the word of God
to every corner of the earth.
- [Elle Voiceover] I hoped so.
I went to work every day and every day
I missed him less and less.
(door thuds)
- Elle!
We should talk, right?
Actually, we were all pretty jazzed Carmen
finally busted him.
- I thought that you all love Dave.
- We do, we just hate that he sleeps with his assistants.
Hopefully that's over now.
We can all finally look Carmen in the eye.
Oh.
You thought you were like the first one?
No.
- How...
How many others?
- [Molly] All of them, really.
Except for the one that was born male.
Dave didn't know that when he hired her.
- What about the last one?
The gum chewer?
- Yeah.
She got super attached.
She went psycho and moved back to Florida.
Hey, hey.
Don't freak out.
You won.
You are young and gorgeous and you have
your whole life ahead of you.
He has to go straight home to Carmen every night.
He's not allowed to travel without her,
she even picked out his new assistant.
- Why doesn't she just divorce him?
- Well, she probably would if she knew
the truth about you guys.
But he told Carmen you guys only slept together once.
He said he did it because he felt sorry for you.
(Elle sighs)
- How do you know so much?
- I'm smarter than Dave, so he isn't attracted to me.
But that also means he tells me everything.
I'm sorry. (door thuds)
- Are you? Really?
Why doesn't he just divorce her?
I mean, is he really so scared about losing
half of his money?
- What do you mean?
He loses all of it.
He signed a prenup.
If they get a divorce he doesn't get a cent.
- No, what about his trust?
- Is that what he told you?
No, she comes from one of the richest families in El Paso.
Her dad bankrolls the company.
He even helped him get his green card.
When she met him he was literally selling used cars.
(crickets chirping) (light dramatic music)
- Hey.
What did Molly tell you?
- Are you stalking me now?
You know, I should be angry at you for hiring me
just so you could fuck me,
but I'm so insane I'm weirdly flattered.
But what I can't forgive is what a liar you are.
Carmen isn't a gold digging whore, you are.
You make me sick.
- Stop, wait, please.
Just let me say something.
Look, no matter what happened before,
it was different with us.
We had something special, Elle.
I go to sleep and I miss you,
I wake up and my life, it's empty.
I need you, Elle.
I love you.
Carmen's with her parents on Saturday night.
Have dinner with me, please.
- I can't.
I have a hot date.
(light dramatic music)
- [Elle Voiceover] I had no idea that cruelty
could feel so good.
- Do you have any tall, gorgeous male friends?
- Sure.
- Black?
- Yeah, of course.
- Straight?
- Ah, can't help you there.
- No.
So you're not racist, you're just-
- Heterophobic, yeah.
- Yeah, breeders?
- What about a tall gorgeous black male friend
that can pass as straight?
- [Katie Voiceover] Oh, my God.
I love it.
- [Elle Voiceover] Why is it no matter how liberal
a white guy is, when it comes to a black guy
boning his girl he goes full Albright?
- [Katie Voiceover] I think it's 'cause of
the true myth about black dicks.
- [Elle Voiceover] Maybe deep down they wanna suck one.
- Don't we all. (doorbell dings)
(crickets chirping)
- Oh, hey, gorgeous.
- Back at ya, blue eyes.
(Elle laughs)
- It's just on the hill, do you mind if we walk?
- I prefer it.
- [Elle] Don't look now, but he's across
the street stalking us.
Don't worry, he's not dangerous.
- I'm not worried about a thing.
- (laughs) You're smooth.
- I minored in theater at Arizona State University.
(phone dings)
Is he live tweeting this?
- No, he's texting me.
It's working.
Mute!
- By the way, adore the Miu Miu Slingbacks.
- Well, thank you, Connor picked them out.
- Figured.
- Why, because the rest of my outfit is shit?
(laughs) Oh, great.
(light jazz music)
- Did locusts attack these?
This is unacceptable.
It's time for you to woman the hell up.
You're not a teenager anymore.
- What do you suggest?
- "La French" as the French call it,
even though we invented it.
Pale pink base, white tip.
Womanly, sophisticated, timeless.
- Well, that's me.
- And leave these poor cuticles alone.
If you're angry, chew out other people.
- Wow.
You should be a life coach.
- Connor didn't tell you?
It's what I am.
(Elle laughs)
(crickets chirping)
(Elle hums)
- You know, if you were into vagina
this night would definitely not be over.
At least, I'd hope not.
- Oh, we'd just be getting started.
(both chuckling)
(Elle giggles)
- Thank you.
(door clicks)
Goodnight. - Yeah.
(door clicks)
(crickets chirping)
(door rustling)
(lock clicks)
(phone dings)
(light dramatic music)
- [Elle Voiceover] While he was sending them
Carmen was probably on her way home
ready to crawl into bed with him.
Carmen, who believed he had sex
with me only once out of pity.
I didn't forward her the dirtiest ones,
just the ones where it was really obvious we were in love.
(light music)
- [Katie Voiceover] Did you write anything?
- [Elle Voiceover] I kept it simple.
Dave just sent me these, I'm moving on.
Why can't he?
(Elle sighs)
(hand knocking)
- [Elle] Come in.
- Stay.
- What's wrong?
- I just spoke to Dave.
He's in jail.
- What? What happened?
- When you sent the photos to Carmen she kicked him out.
Told him that he'd hear from her lawyer.
And then she threatened to move away with Esme.
He can't explained what happened next.
"Something snapped", he said.
- What did he do? (light dramatic music)
- He beat the shit out of her.
She's in intensive care at St. Luke's.
Fractured skull, broken jaw,
one of her implants has ruptured.
Esme saw the whole thing from the landing.
- Oh, my God.
- Lucky for you, he's pleading guilty.
He won't contest the divorce,
he won't contest the sole custody.
That means no trial.
You won't get dragged into it.
- (sighs) Thank god.
- But I'm finished with you.
- No.
No, please.
Please, I'm sorry.
- You had every right to lash out on him.
But not to his family.
Carmen did nothing to you, nothing.
Esme did nothing to you.
You're dangerous, Elle.
You're ruled by your obsessions, you have no self control.
Go home, get help,
figure your shit out.
(door thuds)
(Elle cries)
- I had no idea that Dave was capable of violence.
Like my dad.
Like my mom's godson Leon after he pinned
me down when I was seven.
Like Dad who couldn't go more than a few weeks
without hitting me.
- [Katie Voiceover] You're breaking my heart.
- I'm sorry.
- [Katie Voiceover] Kevin's taking Sarah
to his parent's in Michigan this weekend.
Let's meet up finally.
Please.
It's time to trust again.
Let me take care of you.
(traffic humming)
- Why are you always looking backwards?
You need to dwell on the future.
Pick a dream, make it come true.
- I don't know, it just feels like sometimes
like no mater what I do I always end up
with a guy who hates women.
Like I can't help it, like it's my destiny or something.
- You know that's bullshit.
There's good men everywhere.
Well, okay, not everywhere.
But they're around and you just don't see them.
And you won't until you get your mind right.
- What, like medication?
- Or yoga or therapy or church.
Or maybe you hug kids with cancer.
(Elle laughs)
You just need to stop expecting a man to save you.
It's just you, Elle.
Nobody else.
Hard work, the journey inward.
(Elle sighs)
- You know, I'm gonna miss our run on Saturday.
I'm going out Friday night and I'm expecting
to have a massive hangover.
- Is it a date?
- Yeah.
(light music) (crickets chirping)
(door clicks) (upbeat music)
- [Elle Voiceover] I'm on my way.
I didn't tell anyone.
What about you?
(car beeps)
- [Katie Voiceover] Remember, exit 26B,
on the left as soon as you get off.
It's a bar that used to be a diner.
Amazing martinis.
You can't miss the neon.
(car engine rumbling)
(phone dings)
Oh, I booked us rooms at the motel next door
in case we get too drunk to drive.
I know, how responsible and mature of me.
♪ The party went out ♪
♪ Searching for sound ♪
♪ If you wanna be found ♪
♪ Come out, come out ♪
♪ Beams of light ♪
♪ Bend around the tree line ♪
♪ I wanna save your life ♪
♪ Come show me how ♪
♪ I'm gonna find you, I'm gonna find you ♪
♪ I'm gonna find you ♪
♪ I'll be your search party ♪
♪ The party died down ♪
♪ It's just me and a flashlight now ♪
♪ I won't stop till you're found ♪
♪ Come out, come out ♪
(suspenseful music) (crickets chirping)
(door thuds)
♪ And I don't mind ♪
- Katie?
Um, I'm sorry.
♪ And it's no good keeping it all inside ♪
♪ Till you can love again ♪
(Elle sighs)
(phone clicking)
- [Elle Voiceover] In back.
♪ And I won't have my outside for nothing ♪
♪ Oh, I won't be waiting around for you ♪
♪ I'll be waiting ♪
- [Waitress] What can I get you?
- One of your world famous martinis, please.
- [Waitress] How old are you?
- 21.
- [Waitress] I believe you.
♪ And I'll be drinking through the night ♪
♪ Till you wept and saw the mark on the sign ♪
- [Elle Voiceover] The place is almost empty
except for a bored couple, fat bartender,
a tired waitress and a creepy dude who keeps on
trying to get the courage to talk to me.
Hurry up before he succeeds.
Where are you, dude? - Thank you.
Thanks.
- [Elle Voiceover] I'm starting to worry
that you punked out.
Or maybe before Kevin left he handcuffed
you to the stove.
(thunder rumbling)
(blinds rustling)
- Shit.
(Elle sighs)
(keyboard clicking)
- [Elle Voiceover] Raining, fuck.
Get here.
(sighs) I'm way too drunk to drive.
Why don't I have your phone number?
Right, it's your stupid jealous husband's fault.
You know, if they really think that we're such whores
then why are they even with us?
It makes me sick that Kevin made you keep me a secret.
He's a jerk.
Yeah, I know, I'm a bitch.
What the hell happened to you?
Did you get into a car accident?
(rain pattering)
(crickets chirping)
(Elle sighs)
(hand knocking)
(doorbell ringing)
- [Man] Can I help you?
- Yes.
Do you have a reservation for an Elle Overton?
- Um, nope.
- Really? Okay.
Wow. - Oh, oh, wait, wait.
Yeah, sorry.
E. Overton, yep.
Paid in full.
- And is it just for myself?
- Um, single, smoking.
I'd have to see some ID.
- Right.
Oh, sorry.
There you go.
- [Man] Here we go.
Checkout's at 11, room is right down there on the left.
- And did she get a room for herself?
- [Man] Right next door.
- Is there a door between them?
- [Man] Nope.
- Is she in there right now?
- Nope.
- Thank you, thanks.
- Enjoy.
(light dramatic music) (crickets chirping)
(door squeaking)
(door clicks)
(heavy breathing)
(light dramatic music continues)
(keyboard clicking)
- [Elle Voiceover] I'm in the room.
It's not bad.
I can't let you pay for it, though,
especially since I'm leaving as soon as I'm okay to drive.
(Elle sighs)
(light music)
(crickets chirping)
(thunder rumbling)
(Elle sighs)
(light dramatic music)
(computer dings)
- [Katie Voiceover] I'm here, bitch.
- (sighs) Okay.
(car engine rumbling)
(door thuds)
(blinds rustling)
(hand knocking)
(Elle sighs)
(door creaks)
(loud thud)
(light music) (bugs trilling)
- [Female Reader] Dear Katie, I've only left New Mexico
one time and it was for boarding school.
I've never even see the ocean.
I want an exciting life like yours.
- [Female Reader] Hi, Katie.
My name is Annie Dormer.
I feel faintly idiotic even typing your name
because you're a fictional character,
but I just wanted to say I wish you were real.
- [Female Reader] Katie, is this really the best
our society can do?
To treat females this way?
We're the world's mothers, sisters and daughters.
- [Annie Voiceover] Annie Dormer again, I just had
the weirdest dream about you.
We were at a party, you said that you were gonna
have sex with this hot guy you just met
and did I wanna watch?
I got scared because for some reason I did.
- [Female Reader] Katie, my dad died at work.
He was basically cut in two.
I don't think I even loved him,
but just like you, his death scarred me for life.
- [Annie] The whole world is drowning in lies.
Our hearts are in constant pain
of a sort we can neither identify nor feel.
We're not human, just virtually human.
Your honest, brave, lively spirit is just
what the world needs right now.
What I need.
(computer dings)
(haunting music)
(light dramatic music)
(ominous music)
(light dramatic music)