NETFLIX PRESENTS
Bonobo apes,
humankind's closest relatives
with many fascinating similarities.
Except for one thing.
Bonobos are extremely promiscuous,
while humans form lifelong and monogamous relationships.
Or do we?
Seventy percent of all relationships experience infidelity,
and globally, as many as sixty percent divorce.
Still, the standard norm
continues to revolve around the one lifelong love.
Why?
When our ancestors started walking on two legs
in order to find more food,
the females had to carry their children in their arms instead of on their backs,
like when we walked on all fours.
With children on their backs, the females could defend themselves.
But from this point in history,
the male had to defend both woman and child.
According to some, this was the foundation
of humankind's monogamous pair bonding.
Then came religion.
Around 350 AD,
Augustine of Hippo described man's sexuality and lust
as, "Moral decadence
that should be punished by eternal expulsion from Paradise."
Poor Augustine worried a lot about human urges
and defined marriage as an institution that would regulate them.
Marriage is acceptable for reproduction, faith and sacrament.
Without lust or passion, though.
Otherwise, you would have to burn in hell.
But the threat of God's punishment
didn't seem to stop the human urges.
Or should we say "male urges"?
Up until 18th-century Romanticism,
when emotions were finally allowed some space.
Marriage then became a twosome, a lifelong and monogamous ideal.
But the extramarital lusts would not be tamed.
Up until...
the beginning of the 1900s,
when the women's rights movement finally demanded equal rights
and equal sexual freedom.
This was a problem for the Christian church.
Would they have to handle brothels for women as well now?
Well, we know how that went.
But luckily, the women's liberation struggle continued
throughout the entire 1900s.
From the sexual revolution in the '60s,
people could sleep and live with a partner
they had picked.
The modern couple's relationship was expected to have it all.
People expected safety and adventure, friendship and sex
all under one roof in a lifelong partnership.
So why were people getting divorced more than ever?
Are there any good kids here?
Look what he brought! Huh?
Well, now we're keeping our fingers crossed.
She's in the fourth month so it should be all right.
Wow, it's amazing that you are really doing this.
A few years of changing diapers, sleep deprivation and bad finances,
that's nothing to fight about.
You got a divorce after three years.
I know what I'm talking about.
Teun and I don't trick ourselves into believing that it will be easy at any age.
Are you going to be Daddy One and Daddy Two?
No, Daddy and Daddy's boyfriend. It's Tom's sperm, so this is the future.
You know what you'll be doing for the next ten years.
Damn it, I don't want to grow up.
Adam, I don't think there is any risk that you'll ever grow up.
I think it's pretty grown up of you to move in together.
And now we are just waiting for a couple of kids too.
Yeah, we're practicing a lot. All the time.
Okay, yeah...
Cheers to you.
Cheers to the new apartment.
Cheers, congratulations.
It's fun to celebrate Christmas in summer.
- Cheers! - Cheers!
Cheers.
Yeah, Merry Christmas!
Hey, can we do the drugs soon? I'm getting really wasted.
Frida, do you have a small plate?
I think we have a plate. We have plates in the plate...
drawer.
I love you.
PAIR BONDING
When field voles have sex,
their brains release dopamine, the reward hormone.
It makes them happy and they want more of their partner.
And it's the same for humans.
Sex produces dopamine
which creates attachment,
which is the basis of pair bonding.
Hang on. I'll just...
There.
Mm, there.
Yes, that...
Ah!
Damn, it feels as if it's been two months since we did this.
No, we screwed last Saturday.
Don't you remember?
What? Did we?
Yes we did.
It couldn't have been with me.
No, did she fall out of bed?
Maybe she hit her head on the edge of the bed.
It's all right.
God, maybe we should get a sleep therapist or something.
What?
Well, I mean, she still wakes up every night.
None of the others were like that.
I don't get it.
We haven't slept alone since forever.
Is that... Is that normal?
Do we have to talk about this now?
No, I'm sorry.
It's just...
As soon as my head hits the pillow
the thoughts appear. I'm sorry.
- Could you just be quiet for a while? - Yes, I'm sorry.
Come here, honey.
Come here.
Hold on, hold on. Condom.
Oh no, please.
Stop whining.
Just put on the condom, please.
Can't we just...
No, just put it on. How hard can it be?
I just want to feel you for real. That's not so strange, is it?
But I either stuff myself full of hormones or pieces of metal
or I'll get pregnant again,
and none of that can happen, so just put it on.
Yes, all right.
We have this discussion every fucking time.
- Spread your legs a bit. - Yeah.
There.
Okay.
Wait.
Now focus.
Harder.
What did you say?
Harder?
You want it harder?
Why do you want it harder?
Please...
Do you wish I was bigger?
No.
Stop it.
Don't ask that after three kids and ten years.
You'll walk sideways when I'm done with you.
I love being inside you.
Mommy?
- No, keep going. - Okay.
Mommy!
Just keep going! Keep going!
Stay in bed.
Mommy!
For fuck's sake.
God!
Okay, we're leaving in five minutes.
Daddy? Will I get a dog for Christmas?
What?
What did you...? No, we can't have a dog.
Not in the flat. It's not right for the animal.
- Anna? Anna! - Stop stressing. You don't need to nag.
Yes, I do. It's 7:30. Come on.
Stress is bad for your health.
- You say that yourself. Right, Dad? - Yeah, hold on.
- Brush your teeth. - Dad, you're not answering.
What did you say?
You're so annoying, you don't listen.
You're stressing me out. It's not healthy.
I know. I'm sorry, honey.
- Take these. - Okay.
- Good. - Chop-chop. Put your overall on.
- Anna, please... - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Damn it!
- Come on. - But I want the comfy socks.
Yes, but it's cold outside, so you need those.
But I want the comfy ones...
- No, stop that! - She pulled me.
- Yes, I saw that. Don't do that. - But I want the comfy socks.
They're dirty.
You have to have clean socks.
- Who's taken my water bottle? - I have your water bottle.
Say that then.
I don't want to fight with you, Louie.
All right.
These socks are good. I love these socks, Mommy.
- Do you have...? - Yeah, what?
2 DL SUGAR, 2 EGGS, 2 DL FLOUR
50 G BUTTER, 1 TSP BAKING SODA
20 MINUTES
What's this?
Do all of you know what that is?
Yes?
A cake.
Yes.
But not just yet, right?
Yes, Liam.
It's a recipe.
Exactly. It is.
And what do we need recipes for?
For baking cakes, for example.
Exactly.
Yes, we do.
And if we didn't have a recipe,
the cake might be too hard or soggy.
Or we might get a lasagna instead.
- That's not what we wanted. - No.
Right? So, a recipe is an instruction.
We use the recipe as an instruction.
And it's the same thing with computers.
It's so good.
But dear friends, let's not get too comfortable, okay?
The Christmas bonus doesn't create itself.
And you want that new car, right?
Don't you? Don't you?
Yes, you do.
Now back to work. Come on. Get out of here.
Scram, scram, scram.
Stefan, the presentation was awesome.
And Monica, let's talk for a second.
Easy for her to work 24/7 when she doesn't have anything to come home to.
- What? Have you been to her place? - Stop it.
- Have you slept with her? - No.
No, but she says it herself. She doesn't want a family.
She just wants to live life.
Yeah, well, I can relate to that.
But check this out.
Who wants a car when you can get one of these?
- Whoa. - Right?
Where did you find it?
Bangkok. It was pretty cheap as well.
I've been emailing the store owner. He seems really cool.
It looks good.
With that one... We'll get all the way to Nepal in it.
I can hardly wait.
Me neither.
You know...
Shit, are you going home?
No, I'm working another couple of hours.
Child-free week.
Right, good for you.
Have fun.
Yep.
Hello, hello. Hi.
- He's reading. - "Then
the snake said
that she..."
So you can't even say hi?
"...eat the apple, but..."
You are my little honey.
- No, goddamn it! - What did I do? What happened?
- I almost dropped it. - I just wanted to give you a hug.
It's just that Leo's been looking forward to reading that book to us.
Did you buy detergent?
What book are you reading, Leo?
- Hi, dad. - Hi.
We're reading Alex and Eve at school.
Adam and Eve, honey.
Alex and Eve sounds nice.
- Did you? - No, I'm afraid I forgot.
- But I got wine. Would you like some? - No, thanks.
- No... - Daddy, do you want to hear it?
- I'd love to hear it. - Listen.
- Okay. - "One day when Eve was in..."
Anna, we're eating. Come on
Hi, sweetheart. Are you hungry?
Good.
We had a little accident at school today.
- Yeah, I get it. - So I need to wash.
I get it, but I forgot to buy it, okay?
- Right... - Seriously, pasta today again?
If you don't like it, you can go to bed without dinner.
And I'll take this one. The end.
You can't just take it like that.
Yes, actually, I can
because now we're going to have dinner together.
Come on, let's eat.
When you study, I don't interrupt you, but now...
Why do you do that to me?
Mommy, tell him. He took my book.
Why did you have to take the book right now?
But, honey, he didn't mean to just take it, okay?
Let's eat first and then we'll read the rest. Okay, sweetie?
- I'm angry! - Yes, that's enough!
Enough. We've heard that you're angry.
Hey.
The faster you eat,
the sooner we can cuddle up on the sofa and read it later, okay?
Okay, sweetie?
Hey, take it easy, okay?
Come and sit down, let me show you.
Wow.
Wow... So you are really going?
My God, yes.
- For real? - Of course... Yes, for real. Of course.
Yeah.
It's so cool.
Yes, it really is.
Louie needs a bath. Anna had homework, so I was thinking...
Could you do bath time? Thanks.
Björn?
Björn. Go to bed.
Björn?
BOREDOM
I think we had sex
six times an hour in the beginning.
Yeah, back then... We went at it. Yeah, we did.
Then it became once a month
and now it's...
Well, what is it now?
Now it's...
The testosterone levels drop like crazy after the honeymoon.
Yeah, it's...
We men often joke about it.
"What was that?"
"The testosterone level!"
On top of that, you have to admit that it's...
You don't have to flex your muscles in order to catch her.
Yeah, we have each other.
And that's good too.
I think.
Right, honey?
Don't we?
Right.
Spare clothes, cookies, water.
We have everything.
We're off now.
- What? - Yeah, I told you an hour ago.
You even replied.
What did you say?
Isn't today Saturday?
They've been up for hours and need to get out before they strangle each other.
Okay.
Can you vacuum while we're gone?
How are you?
There is nothing new at all. Nothing.
It's just work, kids, kids, work.
- How's your new apartment? - It's nice.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- I want to visit. - Yes, of course.
Olli seems happy.
Yeah.
I hope so. I mean, it's very small.
But it's enough for the two of us.
And you?
It's all good.
Have you met someone?
What?
No, absolutely not.
Not met somebody,
but there's a young, fit little thing
who comes over for tea now and then.
- Is that so? - I'm almost ashamed.
Because I feel like my life is totally perfect right now.
For real. I get the best of both worlds.
I get one entire week when I can be with Olli
and be 100% present as his mom.
And then I get one week when I can binge-watch TV shows,
not eat gross kid's food,
and recharge my batteries.
Of course, I miss Olli a lot when he stays with Adam.
I can't even think about it. But I couldn't stay in what we had.
I know.
It was a nightmare putting them to bed.
Goodnight.
Are you happy? With our life?
Yes, really happy, honey.
Why do you ask?
I don't think you are. Or that I am.
I see.
Do you miss being on your own?
What?
Not as in being single, but...
Just doing something for you,
being yourself, being ourselves.
Well, of course there are things that I miss doing,
but I can still do them.
It's just that the days are so packed right now...
- But are you really happy? - Well...
Because it feels like we're just living a routine,
you and I.
Maybe you should think more about yourself,
take it easy, chill a little.
Yeah.
But it's not that easy
with three kids and a full-time job.
Yes, it actually is.
You just have to do it.
That's just bullshit.
It's not realistic.
How are we supposed to take it easy with homework, clubs and cooking...
Why do you think I'm planning this motorbike trip?
That's exactly my point.
It feels as if you're escaping from our life.
Hang on. You just said that we should do things on our own.
You said that. Then you can do things on your own too, right?
It's not that easy. That's what I'm saying.
Yes, it is easy, but you're complicating it.
You don't have to get up at 6:30 every fucking day.
You don't have to cook every night.
We could solve it.
You don't have to wash clothes all the time. They're not that dirty.
Yes, I do. What the hell do you mean?
I mean that you can relax a bit.
Who will do everything then?
I'll sleep on the couch. I can't handle you right now.
Yeah, that's great.
That's just perfect.
Great problem-solving.
I'm just saying that I'm not like you.
- No. - No.
I can't just turn off my family.
I can't sleep in every Saturday.
I can't.
And I'm not dreaming of traveling through Europe
on some motorbike trip with my friends.
I'm not.
I'm here and now in my life,
and I've chosen that.
It feels like you're always dreaming
about being somewhere else, not here.
Okay, that's how you feel, but I... What do you want me to say?
I want you to talk to me. We have to talk this through.
We're always tired and it's never the right time,
but when I try to talk to you, you want to walk away.
Right?
Maybe we should talk to someone.
Like a couples therapist.
Well, I feel good, Frida. But maybe you need therapy.
Well, that's fucking unfair, Mr. Anal Porn.
I know you want more in life
than fucking Friday tacos and everyday sex.
Why can't we talk about it?
Do something about it.
Like, I don't know...
Take a break,
or maybe try involving a third person, or...
- Or maybe not. - No.
But I know there are things that we could do.
We just need help.
Everyone goes to therapy, why not us?
Hang on. Listen to me.
We're not going to take a break. Forget that.
And the thing with a third person... Have you been smoking something?
And therapy isn't always the answer.
At least not for me.
So what should we do?
Maybe go out and have some fun?
REIGNITION
Oh my God, yes.
It was the same thing for us.
When our oxytocin levels plummeted,
we became like brother and sister.
Well, I was as horny as always,
but you know,
you don't sleep with your brother.
So the zoo tried to boost our hormone levels again.
They thought we were getting too passive.
Yep.
So they gave us some new toys.
At first I found it ridiculous.
I mean, was he supposed to try and get a six-pack?
But then...
What can I say?
Just check out those abs.
It really boosted our chemistry.
Is she asleep?
- Like a little bear. - Good.
- Damn, you're hot. - Stop it
I'll just put it in there.
Stop it. I only feel tired.
I guess I'll leave then.
Or should I wait for you?
- No, don't worry. Mom will be here soon. - Okay.
We could meet up later if you want.
Unless I fall asleep at dinner.
I'm pretty sure that your party friends
will have something to keep you up all night.
That feels fucking adolescent.
Nobody has taken drugs for like a hundred years.
And who would take care of the kids tomorrow?
Well, excuse me. They do have a dad as well.
I can take the kids first thing, so go out and have fun.
I think you need it.
Okay.
Have a good time.
- Bye. - Bye.
- Hello! - Hi!
Hi!
Hello.
- My turn. - I can't take it anymore.
Ouch!
That sounds fantastic. Just you two?
Yeah, sure. It's... Thank you.
- We're talking about the trip. - Right.
It's going to be awesome. Martin and I, endless dirt roads.
We've been doing these trips since we were, like, 20.
Like, 20?
And now you're, like, 21?
You two...
- Cheers. - Cheers.
I love motorbike trips. Love it.
What, do you ride a bike?
Do I ride a bike? Are you kidding me? Love it.
Awesome. Great.
It's the best way to see the world,
if you ask me.
- I agree. - It's wonderful.
- Butterfingers. - What?
Dropped it.
What did you say?
What did you drop?
Hello. Do you need help?
No, I think I'll manage. Thanks.
Damn.
It's great.
Listen, guess what I've got.
- What? - I thought we should party.
- No... - Yeah, come on.
- Here? - Yes.
Now?
- What's up? - No, fun. Fun!
- What, are you leaving? - I'll be right back. I'm getting ice.
- The naming. - No, our last party was a christening.
- Cheers. - My God, I'm so passé.
Honey, stop it. You look fantastic.
The party doesn't stop in the suburbs. It's just a bit different.
He's right. I've never seen so many swingers, so many drugs.
It's a circus out there.
Are you kidding? What suburb are you living in?
For real?
- How does that work for you? - Let's take that later.
- I want to know. - Later...
Hey, guys.
Speaking of swingers and drugs,
Mommy has a present for you!
People have started using MDMA for therapeutic reasons.
I have a lot of traumas that I need to work through,
and you obviously need to relax,
so here's to being out-of-date and less serious.
And to meeting more often?
We will.
Here's to everybody being more open to new adventures.
- Which I am. - Cheers.
- Björn will see to the kids tomorrow. - They'll look after Björn.
- God, I love Björn. - Here's to Björn.
Here's to Björn.
Oh, damn it.
After all the PowerPoint presentations,
the boss needs to get laid and take it easy, so...
What? You can't say that.
That's politically incorrect.
But you can screw her if you know what women need.
Oh, yuck. No, no, no.
What about you, Björn? What do you need?
- I need a drink. What would you like? - I...
- Sex on the beach, please? - Sex on the beach...
Two sex on the beach, please.
Sex on the beach? Yes, please.
Hey.
- I can't. - No?
- It won't end well. - Are you sure?
I'm sure.
I'm married. I'm not, you know, that kind of guy.
- What? - No worries. Sorry.
It won't end well.
I'm just teasing. I wasn't being serious.
No, your feet are flirting.
But listen, you need to know that I will suck your cock anytime.
And I mean anytime. Let me know.
Okay.
- Okay? - Okay. Thank you.
One word.
- Okay, cheers. - Cheers.
THE COOLIDGE EFFECT
We had an important visitor on the farm.
President Calvin Coolidge was here.
And his wife Grace asked,
"How often does the rooster mate?"
"Dozens of times a day," the farmer replied.
"I see," Grace said.
"Tell my husband."
Then the President asked,
"Is it with the same hen every time"?
"No," the farmer said.
"It's a new hen every time."
"Oh," the President said.
"Tell that to my wife."
You have to control your own narrative.
Look at me and Teun. We handled our problem.
- We threw the screen out. - Out with the screen!
- In with the family therapist. - And the potter's wheel.
Damn, it isn't easy to live.
No.
You actually do have a choice in life.
Live it any way you want.
I mean, ours isn't Instagram perfect,
but at least it's ours.
Right?
- It's really... You're lovely. - I mean it!
I only mean that a psychologist and meditation isn't always the solution.
But screwing is nice.
Not everybody is built for kid's yoga,
but read about the consequences of these fucking screens.
- Good. - Yes. Have you read Sherry Turkle?
- Sherry who? - No.
The conversation of... She's been writing for forever about
how too much screen time affects children's brains and empathic abilities.
I agree. Oliver can become almost like a zombie in front of his iPad.
After ten minutes it's like, "I feel nothing."
Now I can't... I can't feel anything.
You're my idols.
You are. I love you.
Björn and I really need
some ceramics and a couples therapist right now.
- Linda! - What? Oh my God!
Shit, it's been ages.
- Hello. - Hello.
- Yes. - But... It's been ages!
- May I join you? - Yes.
Oh, nice!
I stank like a fucking pub.
You fell out of that place and landed horizontally.
- They called the police. - No.
- Yes. - Yeah, they did.
I had to come up with a story that you had an allergy or something.
And I said, "I'll try to get him home."
Well, did you?
- Did I? - No!
- I put you in a taxi. - Yes.
- Epic. - We didn't see each other for years.
It was too embarrassing.
- Now you understand why she chose Björn. - Yes, you do.
But you're here now, honey. Cheers!
- Cheers. - Cheers!
Here's to many embarrassing memories.
I have to get back to my party. See you later?
Yes, of course.
- See you. - Bye, Ben.
It was great seeing you.
- Yes. Good to see you. - Bye.
Wow, what a...
Linda, stop it.
It must be strange to see him.
- It was a long time ago. - It didn't feel like it.
I have three kids. Stop it.
- Can't you laugh about it? - Wow, so sensitive.
"I have three children!"
- Hi. - Hi.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm great.
You look amazing.
You too.
- And how's the family? - Everybody's fine.
- That's great. - And you?
Yeah, I'm doing great.
We... We had our second a year ago.
We're separated...
Oh no! How sad.
No, calm down. It's super.
It was the best thing that could have happened to us.
- Okay. - Yes.
Yeah.
But will you move back here, then?
Yes, we're moving back here.
- Right. - Yes.
Okay.
But hey, maybe we'll see each other later.
Yes, or we could have
a cup of coffee together, if you like?
- Oh, hello. Hi. - Hi.
- Okay. - Hello.
- There you are. - I...
Whoops!
PAIR BONDING PATTERNS
The results from a study
showed that prairie voles,
just like rats and hens,
are motivated to bond with their partner during the mating phase
because of increased dopamine levels.
But if you give them a dopamine blocker,
they no longer preferred the partner they mated with.
But if they were given dopamine,
they preferred any partner.
That reminds me of a study that is pretty well-known.
It is about T-shirts that women get to smell,
full of sweat from men.
They preferred some over others.
And those T-shirts
had a gene variant
that was very different from the woman's own variant,
when it comes to the immune system.
That is important.
Women who had a partner with the same kind of gene variants,
the others were different,
but this was the same variants as they themselves had...
Those women were more often deceived by their partners.
They got to experience more unfaithfulness.
I find that fascinating.
We did a study with 552 male twins living in relationships.
We found that the ones carrying one or more gene variants
in the attachment system,
they were lacking, or having a problem with
bonding with their partners.
But when it comes to women,
since they lack those alleles in the attachment system,
we instead studied the DRD4-gene,
or allele, also known as the kick-seeking dopamine gene.
And we found that the ones with this variant
also had a higher frequency of one-night stands
and fantasies of infidelity.
So both of the systems seem to contribute to patterns of infidelity.
Björn! They're here in a couple of hours.
Can you join us?
Yes, and that leads to a very important question.
Is monogamy based on inheritance or environment?
Teresa, are you sitting here?
- Do you want some more wine? - Yes, please.
- Björn, can you set the table? - Not now.
I have to serve our guest of honor some wine.
Yes.
Where is Dad?
You know what he's like.
He's lying on the couch watching us while we do the dirty work.
We have to excuse Jon.
It's too much for him with so many people.
Oh, it looks lovely, Frida.
You make Mommy proud by sticking to our tradition.
What tradition?
Sweetheart, don't you remember?
No, of course not. You were so little back then.
But I had to keep my mother-in-law happy
and struggle with that darn French duck every Christmas.
- Mom, we never had duck in Norway. - No, we didn't.
Don't be ridiculous, Joanna. I remember what I did and didn't do.
Why would you say that?
Okay, take it easy. We just can't remember the duck.
That's great.
- That's great. - It sounds wonderful, Teresa.
But I remember something about a duck the year your dad died.
- That's right. - Exactly.
Did someone die, or what?
Maybe you should help set the table, Jon.
Yes.
This one is wonderful, Frida.
- We're going to try it, you and I. - Yes, we are.
Marianne, would you like a glass?
But Teresa, you're right.
It was the Christmas when we had the entire French side of the family over.
Yes, that's right,
and that wasn't the only time, just to let you know.
Okay, Mom. It doesn't matter.
But hey, I thought I heard Louie shout.
- Could you check on the kids? - Sure.
Thank you.
And I was the one who cooked the duck.
And now I've done it again. Voilà!
- Bravo. - Dinner is served in two hours. Okay?
Wow.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
- And merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas!
Yes, and finally, we performed a study on a group of women.
We gave half of them a nasal spray containing the cuddle hormone, oxytocin.
And the other half
received a placebo spray,
that is, a spray without any effect.
And it turned out that the women who received the oxytocin spray
were more likely to bond
than the ones who didn't get it.
So to conclude, I would claim that human monogamy
and infidelity,
just like with the voles,
to a large extent depends on our genetic make-up.
Yes, a minor hormonal adjustment could change a lot in our world,
both at the micro and the macro level.
I really thought that we were going to be able to work through this.
But does it have to be so definitive?
I really hope not.
What the hell was that?
There you are, you fucking cunt!
And you, fucking...
Your disgusting girlfriends... You know what? Burn in hell!
Fucking cunts. I hate you!
I don't want this car!
I don't want that flat!
I don't want anything from you!
Get that?
Do you get what you've done?
Were you thinking about the kids?
Were you thinking at all about the kids
when you spread your legs like some fucking slut all over town?
Fuck you! Go home to Norway.
Do me that favor.
Are you insane?
What's wrong with you, you fucking psycho?
Don't you think I know about your fucking text messages?
Do you think I'm a fucking idiot?
Don't you think I know what you've done? I know everything, fucking hypocrite!
You're just as complicit!
You are. It's just as much your fault!
And don't try to make this about the kids.
Because it's about you, fucking dick,
and about how bloody selfish you are!
You're up your own fucking asshole, that's what you are.
Yes, I slept with him!
Who the hell cares?
Who the hell cares about that?
I wanted to be with you! It was you I wanted.
But you ignored our family.
You ignored me!
Because you are a fucking dickhead!
So fuck you!
Go to hell!
BEER RESTAURANT
This isn't very smart, bro.
This won't look good if you want to push the custody thing.
I mean, you have to get a grip. Get your life under control.
Like hell I will.
I don't give a shit how it looks.
She has ruined everything. She's destroyed my life.
- I hate her. - No, I don't think you hate her.
Anyway, you can't walk around moping like this the whole time.
- Yes, I can. - No.
- Can too. I'm sitting here. - No, you can't.
- It's easy to mope. - It's been months...
Hi! How are you doing?
- Hi. - Long time, no see.
- Good to see you. How are you? - Good.
I quit drinking a while back,
but it got so fucking boring that I started again.
But Oliver is good, Linda is good.
We're still separated,
but she's easy to get along with, so...
- Right. - Yep. And you?
- Yeah, it's... - Well...
We're celebrating that Björn got rid of his car today.
- You sold it? - What?
No, I didn't sell it, I...
took the keys and crashed it into a house on the street where we live.
- Really? Is that true? - Yeah, just now.
Wow, okay. Let's toast to that. Excuse me?
Three Golden Slammers, please?
- So now she doesn't have a car. - There's a thing.
Yeah, so now I'm a dad every other week at home with the kids,
and every other week I sleep on Martin's couch.
- So you're doing birdnesting? - That's what she wanted.
Bird nest?
Yeah, well...
The kids stay, the parents move in and out.
I see. People didn't do that when I separated.
Linda and I did it in the beginning.
It might be good for the kids, but it's goddamn horrible. Horrible!
Yeah, incredibly tough.
- But, are you looking for a flat? - Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
I will not live in the same house as that fucking bitch.
I promise you. I'll find something.
My sister is moving in with her boyfriend and has to rent out her flat.
- Really? - It's small, in town. Yeah.
Really nice, ordinary. Cheap, you know. Interested?
Yeah.
- I'll check it out. - Sure.
- All right. - Cool.
- Cheers, then. - Cheers.
Whatever.
Okay, honey.
- Mom, are you picking me up today? - No, it's Dad's turn.
Remember?
But I'll miss you.
Ah, honey.
I'll miss you too.
Okay?
I'll miss you too.
You know what?
It's good to miss me, you know?
It's good.
Otherwise, it wouldn't be so great to see each other again.
No.
So it's good that you miss me.
Okay.
Okay?
Look what I have. Here.
Ta-da!
Always have a piece of chocolate in your jacket pocket.
Yeah.
Mommy loves you.
Okay?
Shall we go in?
Yes, come on.
And he doesn't see how it affects them.
He wants to punish me, but right now, it's the children he is hurting.
And he's serious about going to court.
He doesn't care if the kids have to be evaluated by a psychiatrist.
I can't even think about how traumatic that would be for them.
That must be really hard for you.
I know that I was the one who...
That I was the one who started it all.
And I have to live with that.
But I hoped that he would...
that he would wake up...
So that we could
work on our problems
and everything would be good again.
So you felt that he didn't communicate and wasn't attentive
even before you separated? That he was shirking responsibility?
- Is that right? - He didn't want to engage.
And what would happen if he didn't deal with things?
It feels like you're worried
that something might happen if he didn't act.
I don't know if anything would happen,
or if the thing was that nothing happened.
That we stagnated and...
Yeah, that we were over.
You were afraid of losing him.
And I felt like I had already lost
both myself and him.
And so then I hoped that he would
see that.
Or see me, kind of.
And work on us instead of running away.
In a way, you ran away first.
Frida, let's separate things out a bit.
It wasn't part of his personality
to deal with things in the same way you did,
even before you separated.
That's the way he was then, and that's the way he is now.
You can't do anything about that.
Only he himself can change that, if he wants to.
It's not your job. It's not your responsibility.
You have no control over that.
And the same is true for you.
Now you've separated,
and he doesn't want to have any contact.
You need to accept that
and learn to handle the situation,
instead of waiting for him to change
or be in constant conflict with him.
And this isn't about if somebody loves or not.
That's who he is.
He is very different from you.
Okay, come here.
You can dance more when we get home.
And switch... No, you can't hold the monkey.
- Yes. - No, Lou... Don't do that.
It'll just get silly.
Good, let's see. Come on.
- Stop it. - Ow, Daddy. That hurt!
- Okay, sorry. - No, I want Mommy!
- But... - No, don't touch me!
- I have to touch you. - Don't touch me! No!
Honey, Louie...
- I don't want to! - No, but Anna is picking up Leo.
We have to hurry home to them. We can't...
I'm doing my best, damn it.
Can't you give it a rest?
- Please? - I don't want to!
Hello, Björn.
Right? Hello.
There. Okay, we'll leave it.
We took a long walk today, so she's probably a bit tired.
Okay.
It's like that.
Let's go. You'll have to be cold then.
Can we...? Let's go.
Don't forget your bag.
No.
Here's your... There's my bag, damn it.
Thank you for today.
See you tomorrow.
- See you tomorrow. - Thank you.
Thank you.
Thanks for being here.
I was nervous, but it's just furniture.
It'll be fine. He's probably been nice.
I mean, you own half of it.
What do I tell the kids?
What do you say?
I don't know.
I'm really trying.
- I'm trying to do everything right. - I know.
It's our fucking duty to the kids.
And he's just pissing on me. He pisses on me every chance he gets.
Because he's a fucking dick.
I don't know why he's doing this.
Okay? I'll get you some coffee. You need some coffee.
But he's taken my kettle.
I can't even make a fucking cup of coffee.
And I got it.
I got it from his mother as a birthday present. You see?
Okay, then I'll boil water in a pot on the stove.
Hey.
You don't have to make a perfect home.
There are no perfect homes
and the kids will adapt.
Buy an air mattress.
Build a fort.
It'll be all right.
Mommy, come and jump!
Mommy, come on!
No, I don't think I'm allowed. The bed will break.
- No. - Stop.
- Read the sign. They want you to jump. - Please, come on.
Come on, it won't break.
- Come here. - Come on.
Come on, come on.
Up you get. You can do it.
It won't break.
- We promise. - Come here.
She fits in very well with the rest of the kids
and gets along with most of them.
She is popular and radiates a lovely energy.
In general, we see no problems with Louie.
None whatsoever.
That's fantastic to hear.
Well, we are,
or I am, always worried that she doesn't
express herself well
or communicate with others.
So yeah, that's really such a relief to hear.
Yes, as you know, Frida chose to split our family a while ago,
and it's been damn hard.
And the kids are very miserable, traumatized.
It's no fun and games at home, but it's...
How do you put it? That's what happens when one person in a family
chooses to think about their own needs, isn't that right?
Well, of course, we're used to these types of situations.
And the majority of the kids here live in modern family constellations.
And that doesn't have to mean trauma for the kids, per se.
As long as the parents can work together.
As Mona said,
Louie is fine and expresses herself well.
As long as the kids are extroverted,
it's a good sign.
It's when they get quiet that we get worried.
Acting out is both normal and healthy.
So if Louie gets sad or angry during this period,
that's totally okay.
And as Bo said, we are all in agreement
that she is doing great.
Thank you.
Yeah, and tell us if anything changes,
or if there's something that we should focus on.
Well, I don't want to communicate with this person, so we could...
If we could stay in contact separately, that would be great.
- Absolutely. - Of course.
We'll let you know of any concerns.
And you can always grab us, if...
If you have any thoughts or worries.
Great. Bye.
- Thank you. - Thank you, Mona.
- Bye. - Bye.
Björn?
Björn. Please, wait.
Please, let's talk about this?
Can't we talk?
Please, Björn, can't we stop this custody thing?
You should have thought of that before you destroyed our family.
No, I'm not stopping "the custody thing."
Please, Björn, we're in this together.
Do you want to subject the kids to the damn psychology tests
just to prove you're right? Is that what you want?
I apologize to you.
I do.
For real.
- I'm sorry about... about everything. - Okay.
- I am. - Yeah...
But don't do this to the kids.
- They'll be scarred for life. - Am I doing this to the kids?
You thought psychologists was the answer to everything.
You're the one who scarred them for life when you left us.
You were the one who wanted a divorce, not me.
And this isn't about your fucking needs,
or about the kids' needs, for that matter. It's about my rights.
And I will have them, as you're not a fit mother to my kids.
You are totally reckless.
You're destroying the kids' lives,
destroying the kids' dreams,
destroying the kids' future,
so now we'll do this my way!
Come on, get a grip!
Björn, damn it!
None of us were happy!
We had a crisis
and you didn't admit that.
You couldn't talk about it.
That's such fucking bullshit, and you know it.
You don't have to talk everything to death.
Some things sort themselves out!
You wanted a divorce, but you won't get your way anymore.
Enough is enough!
Did you see me dream about some fucking backpacking trip in Asia?
No, because I was too busy living our life, Björn!
I wanted to be in our life, Björn! Do you get that?
And I didn't just suggest therapy. I was open to anything.
A break, a threesome or whatever!
But you just didn't care!
But you know what? We were unhappy!
Both of us. We were so fucking unhappy.
And you did nothing about it.
You did nothing!
I'm sure that's your explanation, Frida. That's yours.
But if you want to hear mine, it's a little different.
Because you wanted to be alone, and now you'll get a taste of it.
You're not taking my kids! They'll live with me!
But we're their parents, both of us.
They need us both.
And then we have to...
We have to communicate. This isn't communicating!
No, exactly. I don't want to communicate with you!
Are you stupid?
I don't want to communicate with you.
And there'll be no hippie Christmas. This is what's going to happen.
I'll take the kids to my parents and you can have them New Year's Eve.
End of discussion.
Hello, and welcome.
Aren't you coming up?
The kids have to get their presents.
I thought we'd have coffee.
Yes.
Hello, my honeys!
Hi, Mom.
You look so smart!
We're going to Grandma's.
- And we'll get a surprise. - I know.
It's going to be so much fun!
Here you have some more surprises.
Some candy for the journey.
And Leo, your teddy. Here.
Okay, have the best Christmas ever.
And call me if you want something.
Or if you feel like it.
- What are you going to do? - Won't you celebrate?
Yes, for sure.
I have a lot of tests to grade.
And then I'll probably go to Aunt Joanna's.
But first, I have to call Santa Claus,
so he has Grandma's address.
I think we have to go now.
But let's say goodbye.
You can't go without giving Mommy a kiss. Come here.
Love you, sweetie. Okay?
Give me a hug.
I love you. Love you.
I love you so much.
- Okay? - Bye, Mom.
- Bye.
- I love you. - I love you. Bye.
- Bye. - Bye.
- Now it's a snake and now an elephant! - No more magic, little Louie.
- Take off the costume. - I don't want to.
It's been a really cozy Christmas, but it'll be too warm.
I want to show it to Mommy!
You can show it to Mommy when you see her, okay
I want Mommy!
I want Mommy too.
Honey, come here.
Just like Mommy. Come and sit here.
There, there.
Come here.
SEPARATION TRAUMA
Separation anxiety,
or depression.
It's comparable to drug withdrawal.
You even have a reduced immune defense.
If you were a man, I could recommend a glass of wine or two.
But the female body's dopamine system
isn't triggered by alcohol in the same way.
I could give you an oxytocin shot
in order to start your own dopamine flow.
Or antidepressants.
I think you have to get through this.
Try to look forward.
Do things that make you happy.
No, I'm not going to start using Tinder. I won't do it.
I'd rather die than subject myself to...
So damned pretentious!
It's such a disgusting, dehumanizing way to socialize.
I mean, why...
Why don't we have one of those SCRUFF apps?
Just for sex without having to talk and be bored
before you go to bed.
Isn't that wonderful?
Yes, because I'm done with the love thing.
Nothing would happen anyway,
if I shared my GPS coordinates on some damn app.
Girl, it's 2021!
That's how Tinder works.
Imagine that you're at a buffet and you're starving.
Now you can choose the tastiest bits.
You can get exactly what you want.
But who would want me?
There comes a time when you have to move on.
So I went to therapy and looked inward.
So now I have...
It's over. That chapter is finished.
- Well done. - Yeah.
- And it happened fast. - Yeah.
Just half a year. You're awesome!
What?
We only live once.
I couldn't waste any more time on figuring out why it wasn't working.
It wasn't working. And it's complicated.
Now it's over.
We've got routines and it's working.
No drama.
Time to live a little.
I wish I could say the same.
Is it that bad?
Yeah, but...
I cheated, so I asked for it.
It's usually about something else, isn't it?
Believe me, I know.
- Didn't I tell you? - No.
My ex met somebody else, and so...
That forced me to...
wonder if I could have done something different.
There's two of you in a relationship.
That's also a way of looking at it.
Are you sad that it didn't work out?
Yeah, I am.
I could have done a lot of things differently.
I could have been quicker
in communicating and addressing what went wrong,
instead of subjecting us to what I did.
I think mostly it's that feeling of betrayal which is hard.
And if you can't discuss it, then...
For us, it became an opening to have a talk about whether
we'd be happier apart.
Yeah.
I don't think our relationship could withstand that sort of honesty.
And that's why it's over.
That's not a relationship you want.
What kind of relationship do you want?
Okay, bye.
Bye.
- Can I take this off? - Yeah.
I'll do it.
What the hell.
Hang on.
- It's okay. - Sorry.
- No. - How annoying.
- Damn it. - It doesn't matter.
Yeah, but what the hell.
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
It's okay.
This has never...
I'm really sorry. I'm super horny.
It's never happened before. Never.
No, I get it.
We're also going through a divorce.
I get it.
I see. Difficult?
No, it's not particularly difficult at all, actually.
No?
I knew at the wedding that it wouldn't be forever.
But you have kids.
Yeah, we do.
You have different relationships for different needs.
He gave me a daughter, I'm happy about that.
But don't fret about this.
It's really no big thing. I've seen it a lot of times.
Take a blue pill if you need to.
- Right? - Yeah.
- It doesn't have to be that complicated. - No, right.
But, hey...
I'd love to.
Bye. Take care.
Bye.
SURVIVAL
So you lost the spark in life?
Yes, but I survived.
I tried to find somebody new.
I didn't want to live alone.
This isn't the best time of my life.
- No, definitely not. - But I've stayed clear of drugs.
It's...
It's just that I don't know how I'm going to get over it.
What's going on?
Well,
I joined a scientific study.
The scientists call it a forced swim test.
- That's what you see behind us. - Interesting.
Voles who have gone through a separation,
they just sink.
- Straight down. - They just sink.
So they don't swim?
No, they just sink.
The others, the ones who are in a relationship,
they swim for dear life.
They keep going.
Keep swimming.
They have something to live for.
So the conclusion is that relationships keep us alive.
That's why we seek duality.
Over and over again.
Björn!
Hi!
But...
- What's up? - Hi.
- How are you?
Good, thanks. Good to see you.
Wow. Long time no see.
Definitely. What...
But what are you doing here?
We're meeting the principal.
Oliver isn't happy in his old school, so he might transfer here.
Okay, that's nice.
Leo's theater group has a show on...
- Really? - Fun.
Yeah.
- It was really nice seeing you. - Likewise.
I heard about the custody thing.
Great that's it's solved.
Yeah.
Well, I'm in therapy now.
- Wow. - Yeah.
So that's good.
Awesome.
Not having all that anxiety and bitterness...
- Yes. - Fucking awesome.
I think that you just have to make a decision, somehow.
About what you want and there's no right and wrong, but...
- No. - Just make a decision.
What? Are you...
Are you together again?
Sorry, I'm trying to...
We're not moving in together again...
No, never.
We're trying something new.
We have each other, but with more freedom.
Okay, good for you.
We're dating others, but together.
Yes.
Wow. Good. Congratulations.
- Thank you. - Are...
We have to go, but it was very nice to see you.
Likewise. Okay, good luck.
- See you. - Yeah, sure.
- Say hello. - I will.
It's time to call in the animals.
Who are you?
I'm a rooster. Hear my song. Cock-a-doodle-doo!
I'm a hen. I lay eggs that you can eat.
Four voles.
- Who are you? - I'm a unicorn.
Isn't it too much?
Aren't there too many of us?
We could remove one.
Look after the animals, nature, and each other.
- Can you hold this? - Yes.
- And mine too? - Yes.
- Do you have Leo's jacket? - I have the jacket, but no teddy.
- Hi, Christine! How are you? - Hi, nice to see you.
How are you? Hello!
You know. How are you?
We?
Well, no... Oh, you mean...
We're good.
Divorced, happy, good.
Nice to be here.
I was looking for my little cutie, so I'll...
- Go ahead. - I'll see you.
- Yeah. - Or...
Seriously.
The neighbor?
Yeah, but it was...
- It was comfortable, okay? - Right.
Dad, we made a cake. Can you have cake with us?
Yes, honey...
Please, Daddy?
Come on, Dad.
You'd better ask Mom if it's okay.
Please, Mommy. You'd be the best Mommy in the world.
- Please, Mommy? - I don't have anything in the fridge.
Can't Daddy have cake with us?
We're having leftovers...
But if you're okay with having cake for dinner...
You have nothing in the fridge?
No.
I'm trying to relax all the "musts."
Yes.
Ben's coming.
I see.
So if you want to bring Christine,
then do.
That's okay.
- Okay, let's do that. Cake for dinner. - Yes!
Yes, it's confusing,
but the architecture of the brain
can give us clues to our relationship problems,
through three inter-related brain systems,
that have evolved for pairing, reproduction and parenting.
- Shall we crush the perfection? - Yes!
Yes.
But these systems aren't always directly connected.
It's possible to love a person,
be in love with somebody else,
and sexually attracted to a third,
all at the same time.
It might be a neurological explanation
for why Augustinian relationship norms,
don't work for everybody.
But despite all our differences,
we still judge ourselves by old norms and standards,
maybe in an attempt to find some order in the chaos of love.
That way, we can both have our cake and eat it.
- What are you doing to our pet? - I'm doing this.
What are you doing?
I don't understand why we can't live together, all of us.
I need a place of my own too, just like you kids have your own rooms.
But we grown-ups don't have that, right?
Yes, but I think that it's much better like this,
because I hate moving back and forth.
Well, they were the ones who broke up,
so it's only fair that they move back and forth, right?
But I still like having two homes.
Do you think they'll get back together again,
like normal parents?
But Leo,
this is normal too.
I mean, half of your classmates have parents who are divorced.
They just don't talk about it.
And, well,
I think they're together sometimes.
I mean, physically.
But Ben and Christine,
doesn't that make them sad?
No, before Ben and Christine got involved with them, I think.
But I don't know.
Up on the roof? It's too dangerous. Come down.
Okay, my little monkeys...
What are you giggling about?
Grown-ups, you're the monkeys.
Are we? Okay, yes.
That's probably right, but now we're going to go in and be frogs.
Okay? Come on.
Let's start. Are you ready?
Let's sing "Little frogs".
The little frogs, the little frogs Are funny to behold
No ears to be seen there And tails are missing too
Cro-ac-ac-ac, cro-ac-ac-ac Croac-ac-ac-aca
So the question is...
Are we humans biological creatures
who live according to our pre-programmed genes,
or does free will regulate everything
when we make detours from the monogamous norm?
Yes.
No, or yes,
or maybe both.
We are both biological and intellectual creatures,
imprinted by everything, from religion to heredity and environment.
Regardless of sexual, religious, and political orientation,
we humans are, after all,
a fantastic mix of biology and intellect.
And that is just human.
But the question remains:
How do you want to live your life?
That was all we had this week.
Next week in Late Night Diorama,
we'll keep examining human behavior
from different perspectives.
Next time, we will examine violence.
Is violence biological or taught?
Please join us then.
See you then, I hope.