♪ What is my place ♪
♪ what is my purpose ♪
♪ how can I trust that beneath the surface ♪
♪ is someone I can see ♪
♪ is worth fighting for? ♪
♪ It hurts to be far it hurts to be near her ♪
♪ I can't see my eyes when I look in the mirror ♪
♪ tell me who to blame for this deficiency ♪
♪ and if I take my final stand
♪ grit my teeth and clench my hand ♪
♪ I know I'm an honest man ♪
♪ but this pair of fangs ♪
♪ oh, but his pair of fangs ♪
Positive, grateful, loving thoughts
are like teflon, they just slide off.
Unless you savor them consciously...
Rise and shine, baby bird.
A little breakfast, a little wakey bake?
You know while you were sleeping, I was driving.
I hope you had a good little rest.
Just gotta get gas and it should be clear sailing from there.
Left to itself
is a binary system that understands everything...
What are we listening to?
Oh, just a little... Motivational talk radio.
Sure, like a... Tony Robbins love fest kind of deal?
No, no, this isn't Tony Robbins. All right?
This is legit.
This is a franciscan monk.
Most people spend their whole lives...
I got to pee.
I like it out here.
It's nice.
First of all, you have to be driven by circumstances,
though it is the spirit driving you and you don't know it.
And where the spirit drives you is into the wilderness,
the... the chaos,
the confusion, the narcissism..
And then it says, if you remember,
and there he met the wild beasts.
I'm gonna get a...
I don't know, jerky, maybe gatorade, you want anything?
No, I'm good.
Just don't get too much, alright?
You don't want do this on a full stomach.
You're not my dad. Thanks.
- We all need father figures. - Okay.
For the cash, put 20 on four.
Put 20 on four!
Hey guys, it's me.
I won't be checking my phone for the next 30 days
because I'll be climbing Kilimanjaro. Woo-hoo.
Wish me luck, okay, bye.
Hey, it's me. I just want to say I...
I'm sorry, I...
I hope you find what you're looking for and...
Have a great trip.
Yeah.
Alright, let's go.
Hey, what's up?
I want you to take these.
I don't want you to ask questions.
- Did you just... - I just took mine.
What happened to waiting until we got to where we're going?
I changed my mind.
I figure we have about 37 minutes
before we get to the launch point.
Should give us plenty of time before these kick in.
It will be fine.
We kinda on the launch point now.
Will you just embrace it, stop judging everything?
- All of them? - All of them.
These are usually terrible,
but the guy I get them from is a chef.
He adds some peanut butter, a little powdered sugar.
Pretty good.
It still tastes like old man breath.
Yeah, they're terrible.
I love a good spirit quest.
What you got there?
It's a tamagotchi.
From when we were in fifth grade. It's a digital pet.
You have to feed it or else it dies.
That doesn't sound like something a grown man
should have.
I know. Jess gave it to me as a joke.
She gave me a hard time for not following through on things.
So she gave me this, and dared me to keep it alive.
Do you think that's why she left?
Because you don't follow through on things?
- What? - I'm just saying.
I'm sorry, but is she wrong?
Name one thing that you started and also finished.
Name one thing that I...
This is coming from one of your oldest friends.
Okay. Uh...
I don't need the negative energy right now.
Especially after you gave me a bag of drugs.
No, no, this is good. You asked me to be your spirit guide.
So we need to get all the negative energy
right out in the open.
My spirit guide?
I thought we were going out to the desert to trip balls
and help me forget about the bullshit
going on in my life right now.
Okay, and if I wanted a guide,
I would not choose the guy who's unemployed
and just got back from licking toad in Central America.
- Whoa. - Well...
What was that about? Why you attacking me?
All I'm saying is that you need to release
all the negative energy from your brain,
and embrace the unknown.
Hello. Did you hear me? Did you hear what I said?
I said you need to release
the negative energy from your brain
and embrace the unknown.
Dude, that sounded pretty deep.
Let's stop talking about real life.
I'm more of a stuff it all down,
let it erupt years later kind of guy.
I'm shutting down the operating system.
I'm bringing the smiles back. Pass the weed, man.
Bingo, see?
That is exactly the attitude adjustment I'm talking about.
Just keep that flowing.
Alright, alright, don't hog it.
Have you ever dash drummed so hard you set off the airbag?
No, don't do that. Not in this car.
Are there gerbils around here?
Isn't a chupacabra a sort of a large gerbil?
Or am I way off base with that?
I think a chupacabra is a half gerbil, half snake.
Oh, shit!
Shit!
This is not good! Not good! How long have we been driving?
Twenty five minutes?
Okay, we don't have much time.
I need you to get out, fix the problem.
- Post haste. - Post haste, here we go.
Why do I have to do it? It's your Jeep.
- I'm your spirit guide. - No you're not.
And you asked me to bring you out here
and I specifically told you there'd be tests and challenges.
- You did say that. - Well, this is your first test.
My first test is changing your flat tire?
Do you not know how to change a flat tire?
Because every adult man should know how to change a flat tire.
Look at this car you drive and you're Mr. Masculine.
"Oh, I've got the big Jeep."
- I change tires all the time. - What you talking about?
You said it was cool
the day I showed it to you when I bought it.
I think it's very cool, clearly.
You have about 15 minutes before the drugs really kick in,
and then you're not going to be able to change anything.
I do know how to change a tire.
Nobody likes to be rushed.
Hey, see it through.
I thought that was gonna be helpful.
Thought that was gonna be helpful. It wasn't.
Hey, how's it going?
Hmm. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- I don't like this. - Dude.
I love these things. I kept one alive for like six months once.
Pee-poo, pee-poo, pee-poo.
This is the drugs just kicking in.
Must be coming in early. Nothing to freak out about.
He's up there. This is just in my mind.
Bingo.
This is in your mind. I call this the fear.
It's when you're both really excited
and really scared at the same time.
Dammit, I envy you.
I am really scared. The car's broken down,
I'm talking to an astronaut version of you.
And I'm starting to freak on out, man.
Relax. I know exactly what you should do.
- You should just give up. - Give up, what?
What kind of advice is that? Give up.
What you talking about?
It's great advice. You love giving up.
You know what? You're not even real.
- Are you? - Oh, what?
Of course. That doesn't make sense.
Look all I'm saying is,
this looks way too hard.
Why should we try stuff if we're just going to fail?
Let's just stay out here and hang.
I'm gonna get the tire and Jack,
I'm gonna show you who follows through.
See, that was a test, you passed.
There is no spare.
Right, should have mentioned that.
Yo, dude, there's no spare.
Hey, buddy. Oh, a little sand moment.
I'm high. Those mushrooms are peaking pretty hard.
We have no spare. So, I think we should
head back to the gas station.
- You know, get some help. - You wanna go back?
Yes, I do, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think we need to go further out there.
Out into what? What are you seeing out there?
- Did you hear that? - Hear what?
- I'm coming! - Don't you do that!
Get back here, man.
Brent!
Call Randy's mom.
What?
What does that mean?
Hey, you get back here. What does that mean?
What did you mean by that?
Brent!
Dude.
Hey, buddy.
Brent.
When did I get so fucking fragile, man?
Brent.
I can do drugs. I've done tons of drugs.
Brent!
I'm not scared of drugs.
- Hey guys, it's me. - Jess made me scared of drugs.
She was all pissed up one time and got real coked up
and kept wanting to drive up to Santa Barbara.
Brent!
I want to take these.
Probably didn't help that I kept calling it.
Santa be-bes.
Come on Jessie baby, let me drive you up to Santa be-bes.
Santa be-bes.
Release negative energy from your brain.
I know there's fucking snakes out here.
- Hello? - It's asserting itself.
I can do this, I can be alone.
I don't want to be out here right now by myself.
Embrace the unknown.
Hey eddy, I can't remember.
It goes c, d, is it g next?
It's g. All right.
Hey!
Let's make a pact from now on that you don't leave me alone
in the dark by myself tripping on drugs.
What do you mean, leave you alone?
I've been here waiting for you.
- Where have you been? - I just had a panic attack.
I was just reliving every shameful moment
of my life on loop.
Don't! That's...
Stop it.
Okay, that's beautiful. But stop it.
Now's not the time, now's not the time, dude.
Seriously? Fucking stop it!
Alright well, I'm sorry. Just working pretty hard on it.
What do you mean we? What are you talking about dude?
Quick check-in, are you hearing that voice as well?
What voice?
No, I'm just kidding. Of course I can hear him.
Oh, dude.
I am your guardian spirit from the infinite beyond.
And tonight you will be greeted by three ghosts.
One from your past.
One from your present,
and one from your fucking future, man.
I'm just playing, I'm playing. Hi, I'm Edward Thaddeus Monroe.
But people call me the mayor.
At least they used to call me that.
But that's a tale for a different time.
Care to whet your whistle?
I don't know. Do I, Brent?
Do I want a strange drink from a desert man?
No, thank you. I changed my mind. I do want it.
Enjoy it.
Hey, slow down there, slim! That shit's hard to make.
Dear god!
Now tell me, friend.
What are you doing run around in the middle of the night?
Hey, I'm not running from anything. Not anymore.
I'm gonna sit on this stump here, forever!
Me and this stump are one entity now.
Pow! Embrace the ride, motherfuckers.
Yes! Exactly! Embrace the ride, that's what I'm talking about.
The coyotes are hungry.
And they must be fed.
For nigh is the witching hour.
And they desire human flesh.
And that is why I have brought you both here today.
Fuck, I'm playing.
I'm playing again. I'm a player. Oh. Look. It's just,
there's no coyotes out here, it's just apps. It's an app.
It's called coyote howl. Best 99 cents I ever spent.
It sounded really good, though, right? Sounded real?
What's so funny?
Oh, you know, just the crushing weight of life
and all of its purposelessness.
Oh, soup song.
Do you boys like beans? Do you boys like beans?
Oh, I love beans.
Wow.
Anyone wants some more of mayor's homemade moonshine?
- No. - I... maybe? Well...
- Not me, I'm good. - But maybe.
Are you sure you guys came out here for the right reasons?
Because fella, you've been here before,
you were out here like last week.
Maybe I haven't found what I'm looking for.
Do you hear that, god?
He's still searching for something to find.
What about you, slim?
What are you looking to find?
Ah, me? Nah.
Not looking for anything, just, buddy, desert air.
- I'm thinking I'd love... - When I was a child...
I think it was like the second, third grade.
There was this little blind boy.
And he always used to sit right next to the door every day.
I remember the other kids used to treat him different.
Kind of like he was an outcast, you know,
because of his inability to do one thing
that everyone else can do.
You know, kids are cruel like that, man.
They're afraid of difference,
afraid of stuff they don't understand.
One time, the teacher was telling us
this bullshit story about the first Thanksgiving.
We all know how that really went down.
And this giant mouse just ran across the floor.
And this girl screeched.
And the teacher, she hopped up on the desk,
and so we all hopped up on the desks.
You know? I remember I looked over on top of my desk
and the little blind boy was just sitting there,
cool as a cucumber, just chillin'.
He put his fingers to his lips, he went, shh.
What is it, Steven?
What do you want to tell us?
And the little boy cocked his head to listen.
He said "I think he's in the waste basket."
So the teacher hopped off the desk
and she snuck over there,
opened the lid,
and there was this giant mouse just staring right up at her.
His is little foot stuck in a piece of gum.
Couldn't get out.
So the teacher dumped the waste basket out the window
and the kids went nuts, we all applauded,
and then the teacher looked over at him and smiled.
You know that boy was blind, but I know he felt that smile.
That boy also
turned out to be Stevie wonder.
Incredible.
Except that there's no way that boy was Stevie wonder.
Yep.
The magic man himself.
Ah, nope, not possible.
- Okay. - I believe it was Stevie.
I think he wrote a song about it.
The question is not
whether or not the boy was Stevie.
Which it was.
The question is, what is it inside you
that makes it possible for you to believe
that it may not be Stevie?
You didn't grow up in Detroit
in the 50s during the rise of motown,
so those would be my starting reasons for that. I don't know.
You know what?
I'm gonna let you boys in a little secret.
Everything that you guys have come out here to find
is right back where you came from.
In the sweet maiden, the city of angels.
Come on, eddy.
We wouldn't be out here if that was true.
You're a rebel, an outcast.
Always marching to the beat of your own drum.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's true.
Oh...
But the beat of that drum constantly brings me back
to that great city teacher.
Her wisdom is the key to wealth, success,
lust... right?
All that fleshy desire.
Love. What else do you want?
My true love is the world.
In all of its glory.
The world sucks.
I think it'd be better out here. All alone.
Everything hurts back there.
It's all rejection.
What glory can you even gain?
Everything does hurt.
We're not gods, we're mortals in this modern age,
and thus we must numb the pain
with all the things that money can buy.
Or you can just turn it off.
You know in that great city,
you can get lost.
And you can be alone,
if you want.
Just blissfully unaware
that you're constantly being called to wake up.
To wake up.
To wake up...
Wake... up.
Wake up. Wake up.
Preoccupy ourselves with a shiny little trinket.
Turned out to be Stevie wonder.
Should give us plenty of time before these kick in,
it'll be fine.
See it through.
I hope you find what you're looking for.
Have a great trip.
It's a tamagotchi.
Dive into the unknown.
Confront your inner demons.
Get weird with the new Brent and tip
spirit quest action dolls.
Whoa, cool. I love toys. Let's set it up.
Launch headfirst into problems
that may only exist in your mind.
Spooky.
And the first roadblock
you encounter. Oh no!
- Let's get high. - On the verge
of making your dreams come true?
- Yeah. - Create new ones
to divert and distract yourself.
Whoa, nice car!
Before the truth can set you free,
- you've got to get miserable. - Miserable?
I don't like getting miserable.
Toys, toys, toys, loving toys. Yeah.
Welcome back, figureheads.
Oh, today we are looking at the limited edition
Brent and tip's spirit quest action dolls,
by blind chaperone toys.
Blind chaperone toys.
Derivative, yes, and poorly done from a technical standpoint.
What balances out the shortcomings in these dolls
is a sense of awareness and honesty.
A statement is being made.
Let's check them out.
Toy review.
Let's start with the tip doll.
Tip designed this doll himself,
dip decided to go with a raggedy Ann base.
This doll has no backbone. Very malleable, very mushy.
The fashion is actually
pretty accurate, but that's so surface.
Why's tip not going deeper below that?
The hair is bright orange and too short, soft.
It is not something you want to run your hands through.
Doughy. The mouth is essentially
a butthole with antlers, unattractive.
Would I buy this doll?
Maybe not, but it will surely appeal to someone out there.
Now the Brent doll.
As you see here, Brent used a Thanos base.
Much shorter than tip's doll.
There's a lot more bulk here. There's a lot more muscle.
Fun fact about this doll, it does a Van damme split.
Brent kind of sees himself as the action man of his own life.
Mm.
I'm loving the signature backwards cap.
I've never seen Brent without it. This is a fun choice.
Look at this fun choice, this astronaut glove.
Can you even? Try to even.
The face here, the expression is very intense, very angry.
I actually don't think Brent is as angry as this doll
would make it seem. Oh, identity crisis.
But overall, it's a very well done doll.
I will say I am sexually attracted to this doll.
Toy interview.
And so, as a special treat for our 2,000th episode,
I know, I'll be interviewing
the inspiration for those fantasy dolls,
the spirit questers themselves, Brent and tip.
Well, gentlemen, thanks for being back on the show.
- Thank you for having us. - Back on the show?
People are loving this journey. I'm loving this journey.
Don't think that means I'll go easy on you.
Well, we're not here for a walk in the park.
I might be.
Tip, where do you think your racism stems from?
Brent, your misogyny?
Brent, when do you think you'll finally
stop compensating for you size?
Tip, when do you think you'll finally accept yours?
Navaris, if I may, there are two ways to put
a flag at half-mast.
One is to lower the flag.
And the other is to raise the pole.
Foster Wallace, don't try to impress me.
If I can jump in. I'd like to conjecture I'm not racist.
You were saying how edgy you've been since, you know,
Jess headed off to Kilimanjaro.
Oh, no. That wasn't about that.
I'm good with all folks, with all walks of life.
- Love thy neighbor as thyself. - Yes, exactly.
- Here's a good seat for you. - Right in your lap.
- You are a doll. - Thank you.
- Blessed. - Okay.
Being unable to stand for yourself,
how can you expect to stand for others?
What podcast are we currently...
I thought the costumes came out really great.
You chose this. You couldn't find any white action figures?
In his defense. A girl just broke his heart, you know,
obliterated his psyche.
No, no, listen. It's good. You're right.
I have to do better. I have to set examples...
Okay, god complex. Grow up.
You're a man, not a martyr. Get over yourself.
I never said I was a god.
And as his spirit guide and his guru, if you will,
he does have some transcending to do.
There's no god in me. All right? I never said that.
I never claimed that there's any god in me. All right?
Don't worry. Don't worry. Trust me. No god in here.
What are you saying?
Well, it doesn't feel good. So...
What happened after was terrible.
He tore the broaches, the gold broaches
fastening her gown away from her.
And lifting them high, he dashed them upon his own eyes,
tricking out such things as
"they will not see the crime I have committed
or had done upon me."
If the whole body were an eye, how would one hear?
1 corinthians 12:17.
Thanks, man. That's helpful.
"Dark eyes, now when the days to come look on forbidden faces,
do not recognize those who they longed for."
With such imprecations, he struck his eyes again.
And yet again with the broaches. The eyeballs...
Come on big baby, just do it.
And stained his beard.
You big spineless, boneless baby.
- No sluggish, oozing drops. - Bye, eyeballs.
- While black rain... - Bye-bye.
And bloody hail poured down!
This is good for me.
Get the eye on the plate.
This will be good for me.
Stevie wonder.
Brent?
Yeah, I see you. What? What are doing?
That sounded pretty real, though, right?
It was really good...
I've been working on my bird calls.
I found a magical doorway up at the top there.
I feel like we should check it out.
I'm gonna check it out.
Okay, all right. All right. All right, fine.
Well, okay. I mean, but you can't drop that
and then not tell me what that means. It's a big one.
Do you find you have like weird dreams when we're together?
I've been having weird dreams.
I don't usually have...
When you say magical doorframe, what are you talking about?
I mean, like an actual doorframe in the middle of nowhere.
Not a metaphorical drug term or anything like that?
No, like real wooden post, top beam.
Real deal doorway.
Like, it used to lead into a room, maybe?
Exactly.
Okay, that's cool. That's pretty cool.
Oh, that's very cool. It's a doorway.
Yeah, that's what I've been saying.
Right. I had to see it, though. You know what I mean?
So we're definitely going through there.
Feels like that's where this is going for sure.
Oh, yeah.
That's disappointing, man.
Not quite yet, my tiny dancer.
It's not that magical a doorway, though,
is all I'm saying, you know.
And give thanks.
We wish also to make amends for the insults to which
your vicar and earthly priest...
Friar tall. Welcome.
How are your studies and ruminations? Fruitful?
Very, very fruitful. Thank you, father.
Friar small will be leaving us tomorrow
to begin his mission.
He will leave this monastery
and go to the chapel of St. Peter
at the border of the new Mexico territory.
Well, well, well, someone didn't finally get a real job for once.
Looks like it's not all counting flowers and logging
the wine casks after all, hmm.
- Friar tall. - A little sip sip here,
sip there. Make sure it's fermented.
- Friar tall. - What's the matter,
cat got your tongue?
Friar small will be taking an oath of silence
for the duration of his journey.
Oh, wow.
Completely mute.
I'm hoping to work up to a vow like that.
I'm fasting right now. Only after 8 pm.
Small vows. Baby vows.
The elders and I have deliberated,
and we have decided that you shall accompany friar small
- on his journey. - How's that?
His migrating prayer of silence
will bring light to this war-torn corner
of the world and you
will protect him and help him maintain his vow to god.
Protect him from what?
Our last conveyance between here and St. Francis
was disrupted by the apache and Spanish conflict.
Disrupted?
The entire party killed.
Dear god.
Exactly. Let us pray.
Oh, lord, you are the holy, the light.
Bring us in and through, all the way through.
You sick sadistic sad little man.
Wants to be the shining star. Father's favorite.
Have all the sisters in a tizzy over his piousness.
Oh, merciful god...
Get ready to have your dick be vulture meat, we're dead.
I'll be a big useless baby out there.
Whaa, whaa, daddy help me.
I don't do well on the heat. I mean, I wilt.
- I don't like feeling thirsty. - Friar tall.
Oh, make me an instrument of your peace, lord.
Make me an instrument. Yes, father?
My brothers.
Normally when entering the desert,
one would encourage you to be careful of
wild tribes or venomous snakes.
But I say to you remember Moses.
It is that vast emptiness
of this terrain that can be the most dangerous
to those men who mirror it.
All I'm saying is you missed out, Jessica baby.
Majorly wrong decision.
What will go down is one of the best nights of all time.
One of the best nights.
First of all, not that it's a major factor, but it is.
Mr. Weatherburns' secretary called,
says Mr. Weatherburns is not gonna make it in by five,
can he come pick up his car up at six?
Excuse me. Do you mind if you come
closer to six?
All right, all right. Well, I said I'm sorry.
But my girl's pregnant. She's been craving pork loin.
And the only quality butcher on the West Side closes at 5:30.
It's a 15-minute drive from the garage.
So where's my pork loin?
Tomorrow, we'll get it tomorrow.
I'm just saying,
I just don't think you should be using the baby as a lie, man.
Ex-fucking-scuse me!
Did you or did you not roll through Hollywood tonight
in a neon green 300 horsepower corvette stingray with ac?
I think you know that I did. And not that it was the major
triumph of the night.
But I drove.
I'm talking sunset boulevard, pch to highland, no brakes.
You boys are going to kill each other.
It was all Greens, baby.
There were a few reds, couple reds.
Yeah, but no reds and no blue.
Yeah, not that it's a major factor.
Anyway, so we pull up to the Greek, we valet the car
with some cash we found in the glove box. We drop the tabs.
And we roll inside.
Did Dr. Dixon supply the goods?
He always does, baby,
but I wish he hadn't, because now we know
were his stash is.
Was just me, or did "superstition"
come out of nowhere tonight?
What the fuck did you just say?
"Superstition."
I mean, we pulled up to this theater, right,
and we beelined it straight for center stage.
And as we're working through that fog, that riff comes in
and it's like the whole joint just landed.
Wait a minute,
is there something going on between my best friend
and my old lady?
Something intimate.
How could it be that something as sinister is stealing
another man's girl could go so completely unnoticed?
I got this paranoia she's turning
my body into an antenna,
looking for any excuse to broadcast!
Come on, cool it, baby.
What the fuck is this game? Come on, now.
Some kind of toll I got to pay
for him saving my life back in the shit?
At least he says he did. He says he did.
For now, I need to keep my wits about me
until the job is done.
But rest assured, if these premonitions do come to pass,
I will be ready.
I will be waiting.
Dammit. I did miss out.
I love that one.
I'm glad you got some rest.
It's supposed to be good for the baby, right?
- All right. - All right, all right.
Hey, hook me up with that tasty tasty salt I like.
Ok.
I'll take some tasty salt myself.
Thank you, Jessica. That's perfect.
So what was it in for anyway?
What was what in for?
Mr. Weatherburn's corvette.
What was it in for?
A flat tire.
Finally a bit of a downhill, huh.
Thank you, god. You know?
I just thought we were gonna climb and climb,
and just... it's tiring.
I mean, I know it's part of the process, but it is.
Can we just say that it's tiring?
The downhill hurts my joints, though.
Oh, man, this divot's kind of insane.
Didn't want to roll my ankle in that.
Can you imagine? You'd have to carry me or something.
I guess we'd turn back. We'd probably turn.
If we got a rolled ankle, we would turn back, right?
Hey, so the Christmas solstice talent show.
I mean, assuming we make it back and, you know,
don't get an arrow through the neck
or something like that.
I'm thinking I'll sign up, you know, maybe just,
you know, because I'm always...
Just to, not to crack jokes, but,
you know, just to be a mirror to the community.
You know, just let me know, I'll just feel your energy.
Um, celibacy, huh?
What's that about? Not that I don't think it's noble.
Very noble, one of the purest sacrifices you can make to god.
I just sometimes I think it would be selfish
if a specimen such as myself to deprive the world of his seed.
What do you think? Pretty good, right?
Your silence says everything I need to know.
I'm very perceptive. That's the thing about me,
is I sense an energy.
Like when I put something out there I immediately can tell,
oh, he's vibing on it, he's not vibing on it.
On the joke.
Okay.
Just gonna look around, yep, a lot to see.
So what do we think, are involuntary guttural noises
in violation of your oath?
Because if so, last night, that would be over, padre.
I mean, there were more harmonies going on
than a gregorian chant.
That tight little ass of yours was like St. Gabriel's horn.
I mean, it was smokier than father delay's chamber in there.
Over the fire pit and all.
You know what I mean? Hey,
I thought we doing a meditation break,
you know, a quick fiver.
Come on, man.
I'm getting tinkles all over my robe.
Small, this is madness. I mean,
won't you allow yourself anything?
Come on. I know we had our differences,
but I'm worried about you.
Actually, there's something I've been meaning to ask you.
If you knew something, something shameful
about one of the other friars, would you go to father delay?
I mean, it's not a huge sin, but it would be looked down upon
and tarnish the everlasting glory that comes from our lord.
I'm so mad. You know,
if I hadn't snuck out of mass five minutes early,
I would have seen what I saw
and my conscience would be clean.
But no such luck. You know?
I was so hungry because I've been fasting in the mornings.
Know what I mean?
Spiritual conflict.
I don't want to turn a brother in.
But I don't want to face judgment if it comes out
that I knew of a brother's falseness.
What do you think I should do?
Okay, I don't...
I don't think I know what that means.
Oh, well, I'm definitely telling father delay about that one.
Okay, well,
I can tell you're proud of yourself.
I can see by the way you're walking.
Your sandals are squeaky.
It's fucking weird.
Come on. Here we go.
Come on, run, piggies!
Oh, shit. Leave me, man. Oh, you know what? I'm okay.
Dude!
We're so fucked, man.
Look, I want you to take this, get back to Jess.
- See your son born. - No way, man.
This money's not worth the risk of running with it.
You got more to live for than I do, alright? Now get going.
I'll cover you.
I'm not that fast, man. And you're not that good shot.
We're both gonna end up dead in the sand.
This ain't time to argue about the odds.
It's either dead here or dead out there, maybe.
Which one do you want?
No, man. I can't leave you to this.
Don't count me out just yet.
All right. I gotcha. Now keep going.
- Okay, man. - Here we go.
- I'm doing it. - Here we go.
- Hey red, red, red. - Yeah. What?
You'll be one hell of a father. I want you to know that.
- Mad dogs for life. - Mad dogs for life.
All right. Okay, go!
Fuck you, pigs!
- You get it, man. - Here we go. Wait, red.
What you need, a joke or something?
Just tell Jess thanks for me or whatever. All right.
- Okay? - Okay.
You're just...
- Thank you. - Here we go.
All right, man.
You're not gonna get me, copper!
Okay, but like, what kind of...
What kind of things are we talking about?
- What? - Like, thank you for being
an amazing partner to your best friend, thanks.
Yeah, sure. Whatever. That's fine.
Sure, okay. Or like, thanks for being
the love of your life thanks?
I only got six bullets in this gun. Okay?
- You're a perfect shot. - They'll be on our tail.
I'm a motherfucking roadrunner. What kinds of thanks?
Forget about it. All right?
Thanks for that extra special seasoning
on your hungry man dinner plate?
Oh, you better watch it, son.
Thanks for sprinkling it
so liberally on your reheated meatloaf?
Thanks for fucking my brains out,
is that what you wanna hear?
- Is that my boy in there? - Yeah.
- I fucked him, too. - What the fuck!
Red. Buddy.
Shit!
Hey buddy, listen.
I'm gonna get over to Jess, I'll take care of her all right
and that baby boy.
It wasn't how it was supposed to be.
We're not walking in circles, all right.
We may be walking in the opposite direction
of the original direction we were walking,
but it's not a circle.
So you're saying we're lost, is all?
No, we're not lost. We're just wandering.
We're going to go in the wrong direction.
Now we're heading into probably the right.
So we can talk about the campfire last night?
Your buddy eddy, what's the deal with him?
Eddy. Eddy's a wild guy, man.
He's got a strange history.
He actually is the vp of a tech company in venice.
One day he just traded it all in and bought a Van.
I don't think he's going back.
Oh, that's heavy.
But he seems nice, too, maybe, I guess.
Why'd you tell me I could wear birkenstocks
when we did this thing?
Some hiking boots would have been awesome, man.
We definitely just came down that downhill, so...
Car must be this way. Brent, let's do it. Brent?
You just want to go up that one again.
Come on. The launch point is right up here.
It's a completely different hill.
Look at the terrain.
I'm getting blisters, man. Come on.
It's not much further. Just got to get over this hill.
Is that a hawk?
No dude, it's a fucking vulture.
I don't think there are vultures out here.
I don't know what Kilimanjaro is like, dude.
I mean, I assume it's jungle, maybe it's snow-capped peaks.
You know what I mean?
I just can't picture what Jess would be wearing, it's like,
I was imagining her, like, picturing her,
and it was like we were hiking, running, you know?
And then it clicked that obviously,
she's probably got more gear than that, I think,
but I have no idea what.
Carabiners, ski Poles,
definitely a sun visor of some sort.
I mean, at that altitude,
sun protection is super important.
I'm gonna fucking kill you, man.
- What? Why? - At that altitude sun protection
- is super important. - It is.
How about the fucking desert, Brent?
Well, why don't we take a deep breath.
No, I don't want to calm down. I don't want to breathe
through it, all right? I don't want to look closer.
Because all I see is sand, man. I mean, I'm trying,
but then I zoom in. Oh, good.
There's more sand it's really fucking chalky.
Wow, man. Whoo.
- Yeah, you forgot dirty? - What?
The sand, it's fucking dirty too.
Inexplicably the sand itself is fucking dirty.
It's not nice clean sand. It's gross.
Okay? Probably from some power plant, or maybe from
our dirty ass car from the dirty city we drove in from.
Oh but please, let me use the last little bit of water
I have in my system to clean it for you.
What are you...
There we go. Yeah. Oh, you like that? Is that nice?
Is that better sand for you?
- What is this? - Look, I'm not Jess,
I didn't pack your snack, little sliced oranges or whatever.
Alright? I'm just another person out here,
but by all means, if you need a sand polisher.
Here we go.
Oh yeah, that's much better.
Nice chalky, wet, covered in spit sand.
- I mean, that's fucking gross. - Oh, far be it from me,
far be it for me to think that I can make one little spot
on this earth acceptable to you.
I'm sorry that this weekend didn't give you enough headspace
that you were looking for. This is what I had to offer.
No, dude, it's not.
- No? - This is what you like, man.
You like coming here and getting high as balls
and seeing shit and spinning things and being Mr. Positive.
- I'm Mr. Enlightened guru. - So what, that's me.
If you don't like it why did you come out here?
Every other word out of your mouth is embrace this,
embrace that, surrender to the fear.
That's really easy for you to be saying, man,
because you're not doing any of it.
You're not afraid of taking drugs and getting high.
You're afraid of being sober and living your life.
You've got this infectious positivity,
you got this unique worldview,
you're an absolute joy to be around.
- You better watch it. - Life fucking moves, man.
And I can't feel good anymore
laughing along to the same shit coming out of you
out here when I feel like it ought to be growing.
Happening more than one weekend a year
for an audience of one friend.
It's really fucking sad, man. And I'm done.
Good luck. Have fun.
- You're done? - Yeah.
- You know what, fine. - Have a good quest, dude.
I don't need you anyways.
Fuck your sand.
Hey, man, have a good enlightenment.
I will.
Hey. What's up?
Open the door. Open the door.
Dude, you're awake.
Yes. What are you doing here? And what are you wearing?
It's night ride time, baby. Come on.
Let's go. Let's get out there.
I'm not going for a bike ride with you
in the middle of the night.
- That's insane. - Why not?
You're up. Get dressed. Let's go.
May I use your bathroom? I downed a lot of kombucha
and I gotta go pee-pee. Thank you.
There he is.
Sorry, I didn't. I didn't have my tour de France outfit,
but this is the best I could do.
You look great. You look like you're ready to go.
I haven't ridden a bike in like two or three years.
What are we doing? We're going maybe three blocks, turn around?
Just like 13 miles.
Thirteen miles, okay.
You're not serious about 13 miles.
- What's that? - We're not really doing
13 miles though, right?
Just come along. See how it goes for you.
Dude, slow down.
There he is.
Dude, you did it. How do you feel, man?
I'm gonna be honest with you.
I'm pretty sure I'm gonna pee blood tomorrow.
You might, but dude, you just accomplished something.
You did something while the rest of the city just
wasted their life sleeping.
Is that what this is about?
You do this so you can feel superior to everybody?
Yeah, I think so.
Come on. The next part's downhill.
I've never told you about the Santa Monica massacre.
No, dude.
Come on, dude. It was it was right after we moved out here
and I was eating at ultra Roscoe
and I got the three enchilada cheese plate
that I always do, rice, beans.
I don't know why...
I don't know why either, man,
it's always the same end game.
I looked down and I pull my sweatpants up,
and I have shit covering
the back of my gray Colorado state sweat pants.
I mean, it's everywhere.
I see my escape route. I take it.
- Yeah. - And then only what
I can describe as an act of god.
When I turn the corner,
who is there standing eye to eye blocking my path
but Jessica biel?
- I mean, I just sprinted. - Oh, no.
I just took off.
- I didn't look back. - Did you guys make eye contact?
Oh, yeah, she looked straight, straight into my soul.
And said there's something wrong with this one.
Nothing could be more perfect. I've had a crush on her
- since like sixth grade. - Dude, that's 7th heaven,
you were always, like, keeping me up to date.
I can't go to that store and I can't meet Jessica biel.
Dude, you can't ever meet her again.
No, no, no.
- What if you did? - You look familiar...
What are those nervous eyes from?
- Who was it? - You.
I'd say, definitely one of the worst days of my life.
- I'm so sorry, man. - Yeah.
I did not see that happening.
I can't believe you've never told me this.
But then again, I completely understand.
I'm glad I told you now.
We're just gonna go up here. I gotta show you something.
You're gonna dig it.
It's just up the ways a little bit.
Couple more hills, no big deal.
This is Ringo starr's house.
This is Ringo starr's house?
Yeah, dude.
One of the Beatles. One of the motherfucking Beatles lives
right there and it's probably 100 feet that way to his bed,
stretched out after a long day, spread peace and love, baby.
I don't know, man. He's probably
got a couple of different houses.
Dude. I'm telling you he's in there.
Don't fight me on this.
He's in there.
I bet you he's in there.
What if he is just in his kitchen making a sandwich?
Ringo hungry.
Help. I've got the munchies.
Where's the Turkey bowl?
Turkey on sourdough.
- Oh, spicy brown mustard. - Spicy brown mustard.
Maybe some crisp lettuce, couple of tomato slices.
Maybe two kinds of cheese.
He loves his cheese. Ringo loves his cheese.
And he's sitting down at his island at 4:30 in the morning
taking a bite of his sandwich like a motherfucking champ.
That sounds like a pretty good sandwich.
All right, let's do it.
I'm almost ready.
I'm ready when you are.
True treasure of the night ride, man.
A little sunrise action for those up to take it in.
I don't know if I've ever seen a sunrise in Los Angeles.
Intentionally. I don't know if I've ever
gotten up intentionally to see it.
I've been here for, like, 10 years.
It's good, right?
You can do that every day if you want.
Thank you, man.
I did not want to be solo tonight.
Today would have been tip harrington's senior's
67th birthday.
Happy birthday, dad.
We used to ride up here all the time together,
look out over the city.
Just like we are now. You know?
I did it by myself for the last two years. But...
Tonight I just did not want to do it solo.
When dad got really sick, man, we tried everything.
Flew around the country try to
talk to specialists, doctors, and all that jazz.
Then I heard about this native American shaman
out on the navajo reservation who had a cleansing ritual.
It sounds so stupid, but I was like so sure it would work.
That it could be a hinge.
Like he'd still have to go do
chemo at cedars and everything, but this would create
an openness for healing, if he was willing to do it.
So we're sitting there
in this tent for five hours,
sweat, heat, steam, sage.
You know, just trying to feel it in your lungs.
And at one point, the flap opens and I can see in there
for the first time in hours.
And I realize, I'm sitting up real high where the steam is.
All the Indian dudes are like crouched down low where it's
like just a little bit cooler, and they're just relaxed,
and they're not fighting it.
I look at dad and he's up where I am too, you know,
eyes closed,
trying really hard
not to die.
Not succeeding.
I don't know. But in that moment, I saw it wasn't working.
And then all the medical jargon, all the classifications,
all that stuff, it was just like this guy's incanting,
it was just gobbledygook.
And it was hurting him.
I saw it in his eyes.
They opened before the flap closed and I was like, oh,
you said yes to this, because you thought it would help me.
I got him out there and I must have seemed all pissy,
because the elder guy, he, like, grabbed my arm
and stopped his chant and muttered something to me.
I just stormed out and got dad to the car,
and his nephew,
he followed us out there, man,
and he just kind of watched
as I tried to get dad comfortable in the car.
I don't know why, but I, like, right before we left,
I stormed over and I was like,
"hey, what did he say to me back there?"
You know? "What was that about?"
And he just said,
"a great wind flies across the sky."
That was the final advice. The great words of wisdom.
"A great wind flies across the sky."
Dad went to hospice two weeks later.
Died pretty quick after that.
I've never told anyone that.
Hey, would you stand up?
Please?
A great wind
flies across the sky!
A great wind flies across the sky!
"Let's just come out to the desert.
"Yeah, let's just go out to the desert
and have a really good time."
"Oh, it'll clear your head."
Oh, yeah.
Just stupid.
That's a fucking joke.
Where were all of you yesterday?
I can't get one tire, huh?
C'mon.
"The end is now."
Okay.
"The search for self starts with self."
Who would've done this?
"Call Randy's mom."
Well, well, well.
Looks like you finally made it.
Did you find what you were looking for?
You crafty motherfucker.
The writing on the tires is
the same as the graffiti at the rest stop.
I told you, I come out here all the time.
- You set this whole thing up? - Oh yeah.
You knew I was miserable, stuck inside myself.
That's not hard to identify.
You knew I had to get out of the city.
A couple of desert boys.
I had to get out of my head.
That's where the mushrooms come in.
So you made sure there's no spare on the Jeep,
but when did you deflate the tire?
Wait, did I deflate the tire?
Oh, but you had ample time.
I mean, you could have done it
when I was going to the bathroom,
when I was taking one of my naps.
You do go to the bathroom a lot.
Man, I was having some weird dreams too.
Even before we took the drug.
The drugs weren't real.
- The drugs were very real. - The drugs were very real.
Okay. You highlight my inability to take control,
plunging me into a phantasmagoria
with kooky characters and hallucinogens.
All the while stoking my sense of fear and isolation.
Okay, so that I definitely did do.
- Now we're back on track. - Only to bring me here.
To this...
altar to shared failure?
And in doing so, bring me to the realization that...
Many before me have walked the path.
You've walked the path.
And without lessening my pain,
you've lessened my isolation and judgment about it.
Very good.
Thank you, man.
You're welcome.
Glad you could finally come
to all those realizations on your own.
So is Jess a part of this, or is she...
Oh, no. She's gone for sure.
She's definitely on that mountain.
But in addition to
all of those tasty realizations with the graffiti
and, you know, all this other stuff you said...
I hid this tasty joint.
Which I doth presenteth to thou,
in celebration that the questeth doth cometh to a closeth.
- Just light the joint. - I'm just gonna light it.
I wasn't gonna try to do like a quest eulogy type deal.
It was cool, but you don't know anything about
- that world, you know? - No, I don't think so.
That's how you finish the quest right there.
It's actually called quest.
There was really no point.
You didn't have an inkling.
I might've been up to something?
And I was so scared when the tire popped.
I thought we were just going around the desert.
What was eddy giving us? Was that Molly?
No, he's been doing for so long,
he kinda has his own, actually.
It was a good time, man.
- Yeah. Glad we did this. - Yeah.
I had a lot of fun planning it, you know?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
You're quite the Houdini.
Oh, it wasn't that hard
because you were pretty oblivious to most things.
Oh, wow.
Oh, man. Well, I'm gonna miss this, I'll tell you what.
Help me get a couple more, yeah?
I think it's perfect.
Let's head back.
You know, you do what you can, I mean,
I wanted to go all the way out there.
And you just gotta accept.
This is the quest.
Dude, I feel good.
I feel like a big baby bear just came out of hibernation.
Oh yeah. Big old black bear coming out for the winter.
Just rolling out of my den.
Oh my god. What was in that old joint you rolled?
Like a sativa, a little cbd, hybrid strain.
Like the labradoodle of joints.
Exactly. Like, classy. You can get it in
mini and regular standard size.
Oh I love this fucking desert sun too.
Doesn't it feel good?
Where's the Jeep? What happened to the flat tire, Brent?
What flat tire?
"What flat tire." Come on. You got one more curveball for me.
What, eddy switched the cars. Eddy?
Bring her out, bring the Jeep around.
Call Randy's mom.
No, nope. Don't do that.
I told you I'm burning clean energy.
Okay, I'm feeling assembled, don't break it all apart.
Are you...
What did you put in that joint? Peyote? Huh?
Is that what we're doing?
- Call Randy's mom. - Let's break it apart.
Let's break the whole fucking thing apart.
Yeah, let's get weird.
The quest is over. You need to realize this.
The quest is over. I'll come back out another weekend.
Call Randy's mom.
I'm done, quest is over.
Call Randy's mom? You call Randy's mom.
This is so simple.
Me. Now. You.
It's hidden in plain sight.
Friar tall, get over yourself.
I can't say I remember the age it was
when the supposed-to-bes of the world
first fell before my eyes like a tattered piece of oz's curtain.
But I remember that when it did all melt away,
what held me together was the old songs.
And this by far is the oldest one I know.