Fire!
Do you give up yet?
Look at the place! You can't take it anymore.
Stop saying the same things as me and using a different emphasis!
Stop saying the same things as me but with a different... Oh dammit!
Right! Back to war!
Just to be clear on this one,
Tory started it.
That lunatic used my distress flares
for fireworks
for his stupid 4th of July party. I was furious!
What! Oh come on!
The flares!
You shoot off the flares!
You knew how long those took me to make.
That was our only chance to get off this island!
Tory, I was just trying to give you
the best 4th of July possi... Oh, really?
Ow! Are you kicking me out?
I've had it.
I'm over this.
You're so selfish.
You make me sleep in the hammock while you have the best bedroom in the world.
You can't kick me out. I'm leaving!
Leave!
Find somebody else to put up with your precious ways. "I'm missing home,
soda pops and Mickey Mouse and burgers."
- I'm precious? - Oh yeah.
Oh, I'm precious?
You don't know how much time I spend thinking about you,
worrying about how you feel.
And your precious... Oh no!
- Come on! - Are these precious?
Oh!
Good! I want all my memories wiped, because one of them includes you!
Precious. I know what's precious.
There is no such thing as Hammondland!
Oh! No!
I've nursed that for 18 months!
It burns the eyes!
That is a step too far, my friend!
This is war!
Clarkson, get in here.
Right, our mission:
cut off supplies to that treehouse.
Our target?
It's his water supply.
If we cut it off, this thing could soon be over.
Right. First job, we gotta talk weapons. What are we gonna use?
Oh yes!
That is clever!
He won't know what's hit him.
Right...
Clarkson!
We are going to build ourselves an air cannon.
This fire extinguisher will be the pressure vessel of our cannon.
That has within it enough pressure to fire a pineapple projectile
at least a 100 feet, which is the kind of firepower we need
to take out his water supply from this range.
The problem we have is that when pressurized,
the release valve here is designed to choke the air
as it escapes and slow it down, so it bleeds out gradually.
I want it to come out all in one go!
So we need a new valve on here. First part of my plan.
Because around here...
This, private, is a ball valve.
You'll see it opens quickly and cleanly. Boosh!
Air in. Bang! Air out.
And if the air is pressurized, it could escape that at supersonic speeds.
That's the kind of firepower we need!
Now, we need a barrel.
Stand down, private. I'll get it.
Here's our barrel.
This was the heat exchanger off the boat.
These are the inlet and outlet pipes. I'm gonna cut them off.
Safety first.
Yeah, I know, but you'll thank me for it later.
All right, in we go,
like a surgeon.
Don't tell me this is your first grinder experience.
Gotta be careful here, I don't wanna cross thread this.
Yep.
Oh yep, that's biting.
Okay.
Oh yeah.
Now, private Clarkson, you are wondering...
How are we gonna pressurize the vessel?
Here's the answer.
I'm gonna use...
this.
Now, next problem.
The trigger.
This was the latch
of the main hatch on our boat,
but now it's a trigger.
And it goes here.
And there it is, primed and ready. So, Clarkson...
Human effort puts five bar of pressure
into this pressurized vessel.
That's contained by this valve here.
When released, that should put about 900 pounds of force
behind the pineapple, it's enough to put it straight through you,
throw it a 100 feet and take out the American's water supply.
That'll only work if I can get this pressure out of here
through the valve and into there quickly.
That's where this trigger comes in.
Thanks to this potential energy I've stored in this rope.
If I pull this trigger, that will be released in one go,
snapping open the valve, throwing out the air and boom, off we go.
Are you ready?
Testing...
Ah-ha!
An important final lesson for you: know thine enemy.
And here it is!
That is Tory Belleci.
Remember that face.
Take a close look.
Bite him, Clarkson, bite him!
Where's my shovel? Right, I'm gonna bury him.
Here you go, Tory.
Mr "I want to go home".
Mr "I can't see the huge fun we could have on our desert island".
Mr "I want to spoil it for everybody".
Just stare down that barrel.
How do you feel, American boy, huh?
Right, next job...
Load projectile.
The snugger the fit, the better the blast.
Oh yeah!
I can hear air hissing out from around it as I push it in,
which means it's a good seal.
I like the fact that I'm gonna take his head off with my own arm power.
It's also extraordinarily heavy.
God, I feel butch, Clarkson, right now.
I'm just a man like you but I'm a man holding a massive cannon,
about to blow Tory's head off.
It's why you'll follow me forever, soldier.
I'll give you a countdown.
In three, two, one!
I missed quite badly Clarkson, but...
if there'd been a whale advancing, I'd have killed it.
I need to load it up again.
Stand by, Clarkson.
Firing in three, two, one.
Clarkson, this unit is battle ready.
Let's go to war!
What's up with the outfit? You look like Rambo.
I'm getting ready to kill you. I've got stuff to do. Shut up.
Wow!
- What's with the pineapples? - Ammunition.
Quick load. Toink, dead.
You made a pineapple cannon. That's productive!
- It's not bad, is it? - Yeah!
The extinguisher is the pressure vessel.
- And the valve? - That's from the plumbing.
And the exchanger is the barrel? I love it.
How do you charge it?
- With the pump? - Yes.
How long does it take?
Quite a while.
That's not very convenient in a combat situation!
It's not a close quarter weapon.
So go back to the treehouse
and I can kill you effectively with these, in that.
Go.
Unit's ready. Okay.
Commence firing when ready.
Three, two, one,
incoming!
Holy hell!
That was close. That wasn't bad.
Richard, you almost hit the water trough!
That's what I'm going for. Thank you!
What are you thinking?
- Have you lost your mind? - Incoming!
- Richard!
You actually broke the water trough.
That was the idea!
Let's see how long you last, now!
That's just great.
You took out the power and the running water to the house.
Nice job!
Incoming!
Oh, close!
It almost hit me!
Yeah, I know. I'm getting close.
Coming at you!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Take one minute and think about what you're doing.
You're firing pineapples at your friend
and the house that you built!
I know. It's so cool.
I couldn't believe this so-called friend of mine
would use pineapples as lethal weapons against me.
You're saying he was trying to kill you?
That's exactly what I'm saying.
Brace!
Boom!
Richard! You smashed the wheelhouse!
- Oh yeah! - You've gone too far!
- You want war? - Yeah.
I'll give you a war you'll never forget!
I wanted to hit
Richard where it hurt. Normally, that'd be straight to the balls.
But I thought of something even more precious to him.
Clarkson!
There you are, Clarkson!
We're out-weaponed. We gotta build something.
The only problem is all we have is wood and bamboo.
We do have the advantage of being up here.
If only we had bungee cords,
I could make a giant slingshot and we'd destroy him.
But I did have rope.
And that meant...
Well, I don't have to explain to you about Greco-Roman artillery!
Or maybe I do.
I could make a torsion weapon called a ballista with it.
It gets its power by twisting rope tightly,
then releasing it.
The best thing about a ballista is, it throws stuff for miles.
Work...
Yeah, it works!
So let's have a look at what you're doing in there,
my erstwhile American friend.
Oh, hang on!
Oh, he's building something...
It's a weapon.
But it looks like...
I don't know, a giant... slingshot maybe?
But how's that going to be possible? I mean, he hasn't got any...
... anything stretchy in there.
Clarkson, did you leave any of your old tights up there?
Clarkson, have you... Clark...
Clarkson?
Clarkson!
You've taken Clarkson!
Oh, that is low!
Good! I'm coming for both of you!
Welcome back to Hammondland TV. I'm Richard Hammond
and today I want to show you
how I go to the toilet on the island. First of all...
Hey guys, Tory Belleci here.
I'm filling in for the living nightmare that is Richard of Hammondland.
Now he built a weapon because we're at war,
and if he's got a weapon, I should have a weapon.
So I give to you, the Belleci Ballista!
Now I bet you want to see this thing fire!
But hold on! I want to show you how I built it.
Okay, so to build my ballista, I had to use parts from the house.
Err... I pulled up floorboards.
I took down hand railings.
Now, the heart of our torsion weapon is our torsion bundle.
All this is, is rope.
And you twist it and you twist it,
and then you release it. Futchtwing!
And it will allow my ballista to fire for miles.
Now I have a ratchet here at the bottom of the stock.
Let me show you what I did. I've taken this.
It's a...
... it's a gear from the ship.
And then I've attached this wrench here.
This wrench
keeps it locked.
Okay, let me show you how to lock and load the ballista.
Right here is my sling.
This is my quick release.
I push my slide up...
Capture my sling.
Can you see that?
So now I will start
pulling back the sling,
tensioning the arms, getting it ready to fire.
As those arms are bending back,
the ropes that are holding it are twisting and twisting,
just like Richard's soul.
It's that time that you've been waiting for: to see it fire.
I had to change the angle on the ballista,
so I can get the perfect trajectory to go up and over,
so that it lands directly on top of Richard's head,
who's hiding just over there, inside of a foxhole.
No sign of the enemy, Clarkson.
He's hiding like a rat.
That's what rats do.
Loading!
It's about to rain down on you, Richard.
In three, two, one... Fire!
Ow! What was that?
Yes! Direct hit.
I knew it!
- You built yourself a slingshot! - Nope.
Not a slingshot.
What is it?
A ballista.
- You've got a blister? - No.
It's a ballista, but it does give me blisters.
It gives me all the firing power I need
to rain down fruit on you.
- Who invented those? - You know,
the Greeks invented it, but the Romans dominated with it.
- I'm loading now. - It's not rapid fire?
No, it's a bit clunky, but it's just a prototype.
Just before you do fire,
it's been really nice talking. Good to catch up.
It's good talking to you too. All right, are we back at it?
Yeah! Rain down death.
Here we go. In three...
- Wait a minute! - ... two, one, fire!
Take cover! Hiding!
Fire!
I don't wanna die in a fruit salad!
Run away!
Combat zigzags! Oh, ow!
Right up the arse.
Fire!
Ow! Death from the skies!
Fruity death!
Fire!
Oh!
Are you done yet?
Fire!
Oh! I've had more than my five a day.
U-S-A!
Sorry.
So, the ballista worked way better than I thought.
But I should've guessed it,
Richard would take it badly and then go do something stupid.
Wow, he really drones on.
How does he get so many book deals?
This doesn't help me figure him out at all...
Who is Richard Hammond?
Not my tank!
- Not my tank!
My tank now!
Oh yeah!
Yeah, he stole my tank.
It was low on gas, so he wasn't going far.
And truthfully...
I had bigger things to worry about.
What's he doing over there?
I can't tell.
He's hiding like a little scared animal, that's for sure.
The last of the fresh drinking water.
I didn't want it to come to this, but...
It's a good thing I made this.
It's my crude urine distillery.
How does it work?
I'll tell you.
So what I've been doing is collecting
my own piss in this metal bucket.
Underneath it, I've built a fire. It's going to keep the urine boiling.
I put a lid on top of that and attach that to a hose.
Now, all that steam starts travelling up that hose
and goes around and around the hose
and as it's travelling through it,
it's condensing back into liquid.
I know it's not gonna taste like regular water!
But it's gonna be a better flavour than drinking straight piss.
As it gets to the bottom,
I have another container that is collecting that fluid.
So what I'm gonna do now...
is take a little of my own urine
and get this cloth wet.
What's that gonna do?
The evaporative cooling
will allow the steam inside the tube to condense faster,
so I can get more drinking water.
Yes, I'm gonna test it.
If I'd known he was drinking his own urine,
I'd have strung it out for weeks.
What is wrong with you people?
I wasn't the one downing cups of wee!
And I didn't string it out. I decided it was time to get straight on
with my massive treehouse attack plan.
Enemy approaching. What did he do?
He's armoured the tank!
I'm coming at you now, my friend.
This is the heavy armoured division.
All right. In three, two, one!
Fire!
Yes!
The fruits are not getting through.
Oh, looks like you added armour to the tank.
Oh, I got a proper tank, British invention.
We know what we're doing with these.
- Is somebody scared? - Yes, I can smell fear.
It's from over there because you are
staring down a four pineapple-shot magazine,
heavy artillery piece in the back of this.
The breech comes out,
lifts a handle and the breech rolls across,
next fresh breech rolls in with the next pineapple.
You're gonna die, my friend!
Oh. Well done! You mounted the pineapple cannon
to the tank.
- My tank! - Hang on a second.
- Let me aim this... - Hey, Richard.
- Yes? - I have a question.
What?
How are you running it? Is it running on your hooch?
It's running on the tiny bit of petrol I'd saved.
Let me get on with it now. I'm bringing about your destruction.
Oh, and by the way, it's aluminium!
You mean "aloominum"? Is that what you covered the tank in?
And it's called a car bonnet. Have this!
You missed! Nice cannon!
You should learn how to aim it!
Incoming!
That was close!
I'm just re-loading. Ow, I'm cutting my thumb off!
Ow!
Incoming!
Whoa!
This just got real! Richard, that was really close.
- Oh!
Right in the lavatory!
Boom! Bang! What an opening salvo!
But then I had to go back to base for more pineapples.
Ammo.
And that's when Tory had his annoyingly good idea.
He's retreating?
Where is he going?
I don't have a good feeling about this.
What did they do in the old days against tanks?
That's it, Clarkson! We'll gas him out!
So it was Clarkson's idea?
I know, I know.
It was a dirty trick, but a classic anti-tank move.
And that's why I started building the vortex cannon.
All right, once I get the cone shape, I can make my vortex cannon.
Now what I'm thinking, is taking some hot chilli peppers.
Grind them up, dry them out,
and make a chilli smoke.
Then I'll load it into my cannon and fire a giant,
hot burning ring towards Richard's face!
I'll need some kind of fuel
to make the explosion inside the cannon for this to work.
Huh?
You know what?
Richard probably has something in his room.
There's gotta be something flammable in here.
Where did he get that?
Hello!
Ah!
Hairspray!
That's flammable.
His vanity is going to be his downfall.
No wonder his hair looks so good.
Please explain to me this vortex cannon.
Now a vortex is a super stable ring of spinning air.
I knew it was going to be strong enough to hold bits of chilli.
A big push from something flammable, I could aim it, and fire at him.
Hey guys, it's Tory Belleci again, taking over for Richard Hammond,
on Hammondland TV.
He's still hiding in his foxhole.
But he has stolen my tank and armoured it, so...
he's pushed me to fight dirty, so I have built this.
It's my vortex cannon! Let me show you how it works.
I took a car battery,
attached the car battery to a sparkplug.
That's gonna give me my ignition.
My fuel is his own hairspray. How fitting is that?
It will get mixed with the oxygen.
All I need to do is push this button
and it'll explode the gases inside the tank.
And all those hot gases
will come firing out the muzzle of my cannon.
Now look at its shape.
It is shaped like a cone,
and that cone is going to create a vortex.
What's a vortex, you ask? Well, in this case,
it's gonna be a chilli smoke ring of doom,
headed straight for Richard's face.
Let's work on the ammunition.
I have some hot red chillies. I'm going to put them in this pot,
cook them and create smoke
and that's the smoke I'm gonna put in my cannon to fire at Richard.
Ready for this? Here we go.
All right.
My chillies are cooked. It's time to test the smoke.
I think that's going to work.
Tory, I'm back. You coming out to play?
Welcome back, Hammond.
Hello, what's that?
I got rid of the ballista and made a vortex cannon.
They're the ones that blow like a puff of air?
- Yup. - Argh, he's gonna hit me with air!
And I'm in a tank. Right, advancing. Prepare to die!
Bring it!
Get ready for my smoking ring of fire!
In three, two, one!
Ow! What was that!
Oh hello? Oh! Oh! That is horrible.
I can't breathe!
Oh no! Or see. I can't see a thing!
Kind of hard to drive a tank when you can't see, huh?
Stop doing that, Tory!
Choke on this, Hammond!
Ow! Stop firing that thing!
I can't see where I'm going!
You want some more?
Feel the burn, Hammond!
Ow! Stop doing that!
I can't see where I'm going.
Richard, watch out! You're gonna hit the waterwheel.
- Oh, hang on! What was that? Oh god!
Richard!
Oh my god!
Richard?
You okay, little buddy?
Say something!
I think we've gone too far...
Maybe I used too much chilli powder.
Yeah, um, that's how
we smashed up our own beach.
Oh god!
What have we done?
Richard!
- You're alive! - Yeah.
- I thought you were dead. - So did I... What happened?
You crashed into the waterwheel, it fell on you.
- I thought you were dead. - No, before that.
Oh, I hit you with the burning chilli pepper smoke.
That's why you couldn't see.
- What, that gas? - Yeah.
- You gassed me? - Yeah.
That was chemical warfare!
Technically, they were organic peppers, so it was like...
- ... organic warfare? - I was blind. I couldn't breathe.
That's chemical warfare. That's illegal in most countries!
- You very nearly killed me! - But you're alive!
- You were gonna kill me! - What are you doing?
We shouldn't be fighting!
You basically tried to kill me!
Wait, wait a minute. I got a stitch.
- I'm getting too old for this. - Yeah.
Richard, this is your fault.
- You shouldn't have shot the flares. - It's your fault.
You shouldn't have stolen Clarkson.
- Speaking of which... - Where is Clarkson?
- You are not... - Yes I am!
- No, you are not! - Yes, I am.
You are so not!
Oh no!
Oh, brilliant. Brilliant!
That is incredible.
You've actually managed to make things worse.
This is awesome. We're going to die like this.
I don't care!
This is exactly how I wanted to go.
Stuck next to you.
Starving to death.
Eaten by buzzards.
Vultures.
Oh my god! This is torture!
Subtitling: ECLAIR