[Nikki] Okay, so today is important. And we have to make a good impression.
So, you know...
-What? -Maybe just don't do your jokes.
What do you mean? People like it. It's disarming.
It's not, Jason. It's arming. It's very, very arming.
Don't be daft.
"Therapeutic reparenting."
Well, we didn't exactly nail babysitting, so maybe we need this.
"Healing and growing together."
When I was learning to ride a bike, my dad taped both of my feet to the pedals
and said, "If you stop, you crash."
Yeah, we're gonna need to channel out that bit of your personality for today.
-What bit? -The bit that makes you roll your eyes
when you hear something therapy-y.
-I don't do that. -You do.
And I know you think you're this straight-shooting,
just "tell it as it is" guy,
but sometimes it does veer into grumpy old man.
-Hiya, you all right? Hi. -Hi, how you doing?
Are you being serious?
"The modern world."
"Why are there so many different bins now?"
"When did police sirens get so loud?"
"Why does no one know how to read maps anymore?"
I stand by all of that. Bins are out of control.
Hiya, you all right? Hi.
-Hello. -All right?
-I've come for your precious item. -Oh, yeah, of course.
It's a little exercise to remind us
how hard it is to lose something we're attached to.
Okay.
-Elvis Costello. -Oh, yes.
-It's signed. -Yes, in it goes.
-Okay. -Thank you.
So, how do you feel?
-Fine. You all right? -Not upset at all?
No, no.
Would you say you have a problem making attachments?
Oh, no. No, I just know you're gonna give it back.
We like you to try and imagine it's being thrown away.
But it's obviously not though, is it? Denise just put her diabetes medicine in.
I mean, no offense. It's just not really realistic, is it?
-Like I say, it's just a little exercise. -Okay.
-Okay? -Cool, cool.
Hello. I've come for your precious items.
What?
-Okay! -[crowd chattering]
Welcome, friends, to the first of your mandatory adoption training classes.
Right off the top, I wanna say thank you for making the decision to adopt.
It's the greatest thing you'll ever do.
Okay, so let's start by looking at the sorts of issues
you'll likely be dealing with, including, but not limited to:
reactive attachment disorder, disinhibited attachment disorder,
attention deficit hyperactivity disorder,
pervasive developmental disorder,
post-traumatic stress disorder,
neglect, fetal alcohol syndrome,
generalized anxiety disorder,
conduct disorder,
and severe emotional trauma.
But first, a few words from Christine on oppositional defiant disorder.
[scattered applause]
Hi.
So, it was on the... third day
when my son hit me for the first time. [chuckles]
And is there anything you'd like to say to Kwame, Luke?
I suppose I want him to know that I hear him.
Then why don't you tell him? He's right there.
I hear you.
-And I hear you. -That's all I've ever wanted.
I love you.
I love you too.
-[Denise] That's so nice. -[Marcus] So lovely.
And that's what you get when you meet fear with love.
The magic happens. Well done, guys. Brilliant.
Okay, Nikki and Jason, let's get on up here.
-Bloody hell. Look out. -Lizzie, hit us.
"Your son has been sent home from school for punching another boy in the face.
How would you talk to him about the incident?"
Okay, let's jump in.
Love a bit of role play.
Are we getting chairs?
Shall I get a-- Shall I get a chair, Lloyd?
Lloyd, I'll stand up.
-Okay, honey-- -Piss off.
Oi, not acceptable.
What? Was that--
So when you come in hard, there's nowhere to go.
-So, moderate. -Okay.
-You mustn't hit other kids, mate. -No, so-- Hold on. Sorry.
So, we're just automatically believing the other kid?
-Lizzie just said it on her little-- -Kids lie. He probably didn't even do it.
-Did you do it? -No!
Well, he's just saying that 'cause you said he didn't, but...
Okay, why don't you--
-Okay, why don't we talk-- -Piss off, you're not my real dad.
-Okay, that seems a bit-- -Remember your emotional pathways.
-Right, okay. Let's just-- -Piss off!
-Oi! -Don't raise your voice. You'll scare him.
-It seems like he can handle himself. -He clearly feels stressed.
Yeah, well, I'm not super relaxed.
[Lloyd] Go on.
Everything's gonna be okay. We love you.
You're safe here, and you're not going anywhere.
That's good. Maintain that relationship. Show me the love.
Why don't we have a cookie, and we can chat about why you did that thing?
Maybe because every time he does it, you give him a cookie?
-[Zareen] Punishing isn't teaching. -No, it isn't.
Yeah, but if he's punched someone, then...
-Go on. No, it's all right. -No, go on. Please.
Well, look, I get that these kids have had a rough time, right?
But if we'd done something wrong as kids, then we'd be punished for it, wouldn't we?
So, are we helping him by treating him any differently?
-These kids are different. -I know.
But when we mess up as adults,
we don't get offered a healing circle thing, do we?
Life is tough. Shouldn't we prepare 'em for that?
-Have you ever had your heart broken? -Yeah, but I mean...
Try it when you're two.
The hardest thing that's ever gonna happen to these kids
happened before they learned to talk.
Trust me, they know how tough life is.
What they need is love.
-[inaudible] -Is that it?
Okay. So, who's next?
Jamie and Zareen, get on with me.
-Okay, Luke, hit us. -Hey, what are you doing? It's d--
"Your child is in the middle of a video game.
You tell them it's time for bed, but they ignore you.
What will you do?"
-Now, look-- -Piss off!
What did I say?
-I know. I'm sorry. -We're being assessed the whole time.
-I know. -Try and be a bit more sensitive
and a bit less talk bloody radio.
All right. Okay, can we just make sure that we sit together because...
[Nikki] Hiya. Do you mind if I sit here?
This buffet's amazing. There's half-baguettes up there.
Lloyd's fit, isn't he?
-Yeah? -Yeah, I know what you mean.
I think it's 'cause he cares. Like, compassion's so hot.
He's the kinda guy that makes you never want to eat bread again.
I was wondering, can we all keep in touch after this?
-Is that weird? -No.
It'd be nice to have someone there who's going through it all.
-Of course. -Everyone I know is having their own kids,
and they don't really get it, you know?
Last week, someone asked me how much the kid was gonna cost.
-Oh, my God. What did you say? -I said ten grand.
Might start a crowdfunding page. Go to the Algarve.
Yeah, all right.
You don't think it's as bad as all that, do you? All that stuff about the kids.
No, they're just giving us a worst-case scenario, I think.
[scoffs]
Sorry. You're right. It's not as bad as that.
-Oh. -Yeah.
-It's much worse. -Mmm?
I've sort of withdrawn from the new parents I know.
-I mean, I love them. -You got the friend-vy. It's a thing.
Yeah. And, oh, my God, the photos.
It's like, I know what your baby looks like.
It looks like a baby. I don't need to come over.
I'll imagine a baby. It will look like that.
And when they tell you to support the neck, and I'm like,
[chuckles] "I know you have to support the neck.
Everyone knows you have to support the neck."
Yeah. I mean, I think we can stop saying that now.
I'm fortunate, though, 'cause I've got my sister,
and I can relate to her 'cause she's had bad luck with kids.
-Oh, sorry. -Oh, okay.
No, I mean, she's got some. They're just all awful.
We adopted a five-year-old. Six months later, we had to give him back.
-Why? What happened? -Just wouldn't attach.
Verbal abuse from day one, physical not long after.
Neighbors called the police in the end.
I said, "I need to report a missing person.
I haven't seen the social worker in six months."
Sorry. So, why are you doing it again?
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for we shall reap a harvest."
Galatians.
I couldn't do any of this if Jesus wasn't by my side.
Doesn't really sound like he is.
I mean, I hear all that stuff, and I'm scared to adopt one.
-She hears it, she wants to adopt two. -Mate, it's a scary business.
You never feel less capable than when you're holding your own child.
But you don't regret having kids?
My kids are... tiny little vampires
that suck every ounce of energy, spark and drive out of me
until I'm nothing but an empty gray carcass.
-Good pep talk. -You know, I have this fantasy.
I'm out walking one day, and I get stabbed.
Lower lateral quadrant of the abdomen. Serious, but not fatal.
And then I just get left to recover in hospital for months.
In a paradise where no one expects anything from me.
-But other than that, you're all right? -Yeah.
Sorry.
He put a pattern in your coffee. I told him not to.
Okay.
-So, there's something I need to tell you. -Mmm?
I'm getting engaged.
Oh, my God! Karen!
Oh, that's amazing! To who?
-Scott. -Scott?
Yeah. No, of course. Sorry.
-What do you mean, "to who"? -No, I wasn't concentrating.
Oh. That's great. Kaz, I'm so pleased.
-Scott. -Thank you.
So, how did he propose?
Well, we just sort of talked it through and realized the pros outweigh the cons.
Cool.
-So, has he picked a ring yet? -No.
He says I might as well get it 'cause I know what I want.
And that way, I know I like it.
-Yeah, right. That makes sense. -Hmm.
Scott.
-Scott. -Scott, yeah.
Oh, for God's sake.
Why is everyone so attractive now? People didn't used to be this attractive.
They're the same. You're just getting older.
I used to love looking at attractive women. Now it's just painful.
It's not real though, is it? It's like an advert.
So, you're essentially falling in love with an advert.
I slept with someone.
What?
-Who? -Someone from work.
She's new. She's American.
-What, that one I met at the thing? -Harper, yeah.
-How old is she? -She's 24.
-Jesus, Freddy. -Yes, she's an old 24 though.
She's, you know, really present. Mentally, she's comfortably early 30s.
-Well, is it over? -Yes.
-Basically. -Jesus, Freddy.
Yeah, but she's got really clingy. She keeps calling and texting.
She hasn't developed object permanence yet, has she?
She probably panics when you leave.
What were you thinking, mate? What about Erica?
Erica?
Most of the time it's like she doesn't even like me anymore.
Get used to that feeling, mate.
You have no idea.
You have no idea what it's like to have a family.
You know, the things that I do. The things that I have to hold together.
Look, you don't even have a family, yet you're thinking of bailing.
-No, I'm not. -Uh, okay.
-Uh, no, I'm not. -Okay, relax.
I'm not wearing a wire.
Just think very hard. That's all I'm saying.
'Cause this stuff,
it's when you find out what sort of a person you really are.
Sometimes it's better not to know.
Should go through this training stuff together.
There's a whole section on what type of disability we'd be happy with.
-Well, not-- not happy with. -I was thinking maybe we could
just have the night off. Take a bit of a breather.
-Take a breather? -Yeah.
Oh, okay. You mean, not for tonight?
Yeah.
-Or, you know, just a general breather. -[sighs]
Are you serious?
What's the matter?
-Nothing. Nothing. -What's going on? Jason.
I'm...
It's late, all right? I don't want to get into this now.
-It's late. -Okay. I do.
Okay.
I don't think it's the worst idea if we were to slow down a little bit, all right?
-Why? -Because it feels like something
-we really, really need to think about. -Yeah, we have thought about it.
'Cause it's going to affect every aspect of the rest of our lives, Nikki.
Yeah, and we decided to do it.
You convinced me to do it. It took a lot for me to do this.
Me too.
This last year didn't just happen to you.
It happened to me as well.
All right. Is this about the kids? Because we knew the issues.
We knew the issues, but when you actually speak to someone who's going through it--
You know, so many people adopt, and it's fine.
-You got the social workers telling us-- -They have to say things like that.
It's for legal reasons, Jase.
You know, it's a "may contain nuts" type thing.
Yeah. But what if it isn't? You got kids here addicted to drugs.
-They got alcohol dependency-- -Oh, God. So what?
-I mean, so do we, basically. -I'm being serious now.
-Jase, so am I. -Please don't joke about this.
I can't believe you're freaking out on me.
You're not the one who freaks out.
I'm the one who freaks out, and for once, I'm managing not to.
There you go. That's it. Own it. That's it.
You're afraid of everything, so I'm not allowed to be afraid of anything.
We talked about it. We agreed to do it. Why did you agree to it?
Because I wanted to make you happy.
And I knew this would make you happy.
And I really, really, really want to make you happy.
-But this is a huge sacrifice. -Yeah.
That's what helping people is. It is sacrificing.
Do you know who doesn't make sacrifices? Arseholes, Jason.
Arseholes and children. Which one are you?
[door slams]
Shit.
-Alisha, are you leaving? -College in Geneva.
Oh, wow. Well, well done. I mean, it won't be the same without you.
-Don't do that. -Okay.
So, do you want it?
-Do I want what? -The job.
I could recommend you. You'd get it.
Nah. No. I mean, it seems awful, so...
Think about it. It's more money.
Coming to the park?
Uh...
Everyone's going: students, tutors.
-Oh, no, I can't really. I've got a... -Okay, it's fine.
Thank you. Oh-- Um, excuse me. Is this yours?
-Oh, yes! -It was in the...
-Wow. Thank you. -It's all right.
-Okay. All right. -Okay.
-See you. -See you.
Do you know what? I will come.
-Oh, great. -Yeah. Uh...
Can you wait a minute?
-Sure. -All right.
[chattering]
Yeah. Yes.
What's up, guys? How's it going? Just...
-Thanks very much. Thank you. -Thank you.
What are we celebrating?
Life, brother. Life.
-Well, cheers, brother. -Cheers.
-Thank you. -Thank you.
[phone dings]
[sighs]
-So, how long have you worked here? -Me?
-Um... -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Gosh, about... seven years.
-Wow. -Yeah.
Yeah, I thought people just did this for the summer.
Not everyone, no.
-And where are you from? -Oh, you know,
I've traveled around so much that I don't really feel like I'm from anywhere.
-Where were you born? -Norwich.
You're from Norwich.
Look, I'm just trying to go everywhere and do everything, dude. Aren't you?
I'm old.
So, I can do about three things, and then I get really tired afterwards.
Well, you better make sure they're the right things then.
Why would you do something you don't wanna do?
Because I'm a grown-up. Not as simple as that.
It is though. You know what happiness is, ultimately?
Go on.
-It's dopamine. Yeah. -Right.
All human achievement gets converted into dopamine.
So, if you climb a mountain, it's dopamine.
-If you have sex, it's dopamine. -Yeah.
Win the lottery, guess what?
-[Sofia] Mmm? -It's dopamine.
So, my thing is, why bother climbing a mountain
when you can get your dopamine from one of these?
-Oh, bloody hell. Okay. -It's just easier, isn't it?
To hack your happiness.
-Did you know... -What?
...that the same perfume smells differently on different people?
Did you know that? I mean, think about it. That's amazing, right?
-That is amazing. That is amazing, yeah. -Crazy.
Aw.
-I feel so close to you, man. -Yeah, me too.
-Say if this is weird... -Go on.
-...but I feel like when I die... -Yeah?
-I wanna be buried with you, man. -I think that's a great idea.
[Jonny] Right. Okay, come on. Let's go! Shirts versus skins!
-What do you mean? -Jason, you're skins.
-What? -Couple of skins and shirts. Come on.
-What sport are we even-- -[Jonny] Come on. It's rounders, Jason.
Come on. Let's go!
-All right. -No shirts, yo. Come on.
I-- Yeah, is everyone--
Do you know what? I haven't got any sun cream.
So I'm quite fair-skinned, so I might--
I'll go shirts, if that-- Is that all right?
-That's all right, man. Yeah. Yeah. -Yeah. Okay.
-Whatever. Whatever suits you. -[applause]
Come on, mate! Come on!
[groans] Shit.
Yeah, that's the hammy there.
-Are you okay? -Yeah, I'm fine. I do it all the time.
It's just-- I've just got to... just got to stretch it out.
You should never trust a man in his 30s who's in shape, by the way.
It just means he's got nothing else going on.
[laughing]
Probably take the weight off.
[groans]
Here. Wet your whis-tle.
Very good. Thank you. It's, uh, "whistle."
Whis-tle.
Look at me. Whistle.
Whistle. Yeah?
-That's it. Perfect. -Yeah!
[giggles]
Cool.
-So, you are having a nice time? -Ah, you're good kids.
I'm not a kid.
We're all going on somewhere if you, uh, want to come.
You wanna come?
Uh...
[blows]
[TV, indistinct]
[door closes]
Oh, shit. Sorry.
This work thing, which went on and on and...
Oh, that's okay.
-Is everything all right? -Yeah, yeah, fine.
-You? -Yeah.
Bloody hell, Jase. Out the jar? Like a junkie?
Okay, I just-- I wanted to say one thing, and I won't say anything else.
I think that you think that you're not a good enough person to do this.
But I wanted you to know that...
you are.
And...
Okay, well-- No, that's it, actually.
Probably didn't need to turn around to say that.
That didn't take as long as I thought it would.
I'm not...
as good a person as you think.
Well, I like you.
I'm gonna have a shower.
-Now? -Mmm. Yeah. Just feel like one.
[grunts]
[phone rings]
[shower running]