Morning.
I'm rowing the Atlantic Ocean today.
Wow. Good luck.
Oh, God, it's that season again.
There'll be nowhere to park.
Okay, guys.
So, this "launch" is at 12:00,
which means it is gonna be quite tight getting back for kickoff.
So as soon as he changes his mind, we're back in the car.
Last match of the season. Are you nervous?
I am a little bit actually. Yeah.
Although if we don't get a yellow card this game, it means we've come off
the bottom of the disciplinary table.
That's four matches in a row without a fight.
And last Saturday was the first match
that the referee didn't have to hide in his car at halftime.
Honestly,
I couldn't be prouder of this team.
Let's make an Atlantic-Ocean- rowing-mix-up-road-trip playlist.
Yeah.
We're gonna be at the coast in four minutes.
No, that's fine. Compiling it is the best bit.
- Billy Ocean. - "(Sitting On) the Dock of the Bay."
- Yes. - "Sail Away."
No, that's wrong because that's about sailing, not rowing.
- The Cure! Yes! - How's that work?
Well, 'cause they're a new wave band and waves are on the ocean.
The Lighthouse Family.
Yes! Good shout.
Have you had your exam results emailed through yet?
No.
I don't know where it's got to actually.
"Surfin' in the USA."
That's the wrong ocean. Jase, if you're not gonna take this seriously then,
I'll throw you in the sea.
You're overdressed for this.
Well, I've never been to a boat launch before.
You're not going to one now.
Will everyone stop talking like this is a real thing?
It's just gonna be Scott flailing around in a blow-up dinghy.
Obviously, my 50-year-old husband, who has to arrange his body before he coughs
so he doesn't put his back out, is not rowing the Atlantic.
I bought champagne and a banner.
Well, do you know what?
If people weren't so quick to make banners every time,
then maybe this sort of thing wouldn't keep happening.
And besides, I found some tickets he bought us
to go and see Ed Sheeran at Wembley, in September.
He's got no intention of being in the mid-Atlantic. I can assure you.
Morning.
What the hell has he done?
Does that mean you have a spare ticket for Ed Sheeran?
They have vetoed vinyl, and--
Sorry, Freddy. Excuse us. Right.
Come here.
Scott, who are all these people?
My American sponsors hired them for final prep.
- You've got American sponsors? - I do. Yeah.
You know, it's actually really handy having people eight hours behind.
Means there's always someone awake during my night terrors.
And you don't think that night terrors are maybe a sign
that this has gone too far?
No one ever achieved anything without a few night terrors.
Scott, come on.
I mean,
I admit you've taken this further than most but, you know--
We all know you're not actually going to do this.
I hate to disagree with you, but in my mind, I'm already out there.
I got you something.
I'm not gonna be here for your birthday, obviously,
and so I wanted you to have this now.
I thought maybe you could take Nikki.
Well, you know, maybe it's time to make up with her
or at least take some of the drama out of it.
There's no drama, Scott. I'm just not talking to her.
It's just, I think you're gonna need her, you know, while I'm away.
Scott...
Hey.
Hey. What's the matter with you?
You were supposed to just coach him for a couple of weeks
and then lose interest like you always do.
What can I say? I'm growing.
Well, it's very annoying and it's probably gonna kill my brother-in-law.
He's sort of inspired me to move beyond what I thought possible.
Oh, bloody-- Not you as well. You--
Wha-- Oh, no. No.
I asked out my Pilates teacher.
I mean, she said no, but at least I don't have to go anymore.
- Okay. - I've got it.
Haven't got it.
Hang on, mate. Wait there. I'll help you out.
That's all right. I've got--
He'll be fine.
No.
Is that another lady friend?
Yeah. Well, at my age it's five women to every man,
so as long as you can get dressed and not soil yourself.
And increasingly with the ones in the homes,
even that's not the red line it was.
As long as you apologize.
Look at that. That's lovely.
Princess, have your exam results still not come through yet?
No. I told you, not yet.
Just keep refreshing your email.
Yeah.
I can't believe they're still not speaking.
I like it. I'm the go-between.
They've not talked to me this much for years.
You got the forecabin, the rigger and-- Oh, my God.
Look at the size of that oarlock.
Well, that's taken me by surprise, that has,
and I prepared myself for a biggun.
Yeah. Vic, can we talk?
All right.
Debbie wants a sex life.
I wouldn't mind, but she wants it with me.
And you don't?
I mean, cavorting round half-naked, it's just not realistic at my age.
I'm a pensioner.
I can't afford to have the heating up that high.
Also,
I don't want her sleeping on the mattress.
I lost Sandra in the sofa,
but there's still the shape of her in the memory foam.
Someone else sleeps on it, she'll go.
She'll be erased.
Before you make any decisions, why don't you think about
the things that you do like about spending time with her?
Get all the life jackets, okay? Yep.
Maybe he'll be okay.
I mean, you've taught him well.
You're a rower. You should know.
Well, actually, I was only ever social secretary of the rowing club.
They didn't let me row.
What?
This was big for me.
You're fine. That's right. There it is. Easy.
Bloody hell.
Are you okay?
Am I the only sane one here who can see this is madness?
I mean, are we actually gonna let this happen?
People do it.
The thing you're worried about is never the thing that gets you.
That's too predictable.
The guy rowing an ocean, he's fine.
It's the bloke driving home from the launch, whistling a tune,
that's who you should be worried about.
Plus, it's been a very mild season on the Atlantic.
Well, how do you know?
I've been researching. I got an app.
Look.
You downloaded an app?
What you gotta watch out for is the surface pressure causing cold air
that mixes with the warm water.
That creates fog.
But it's been very good this summer.
I've got an alert set up for updates.
You downloaded an app and you set up alerts?
God, I've missed you.
Nikki...
I am sorry that I didn't tell you about Princess.
It's okay.
My life is full of things I wish I didn't know.
Okay. Enough is enough.
Oi, what are you doing?
Karen! Karen!
It's stupid! It's stupid!
- Karen! - Karen!
- You're not gonna go! - What are you doing?
- No! - Hey, hey.
- Wait. Okay. Okay. - Let go!
This is my fault. I've never appreciated you
and now you feel you have to do this to be worth something.
That's not why I'm doing this, and you do appreciate me.
No, I don't.
Sometimes when you start telling me a story,
you ask me if you've told me before and I say yes, even when you haven't,
'cause I just can't be bothered to listen.
And now
I'm actually scared that you mean this
and that you're actually gonna do it. And I--
- I'm really scared! - No, no, no.
Please stop hitting the boat. It's what keeps the water out.
I know I haven't been as supportive of your efforts on climate change
- as I should've been but-- - It isn't just about that.
Look...
this can't be another thing I nearly do, okay?
I can't have already done the most impressive thing I'll ever do.
That can't be it. I--
It can't all be behind me.
I can sense something bad is gonna happen to you. I know it.
I think you're gonna die.
Karen.
I am asking you to stay.
A person who loves you is asking you to stay.
However, a slight change of plan.
Yeah, I've decided not to go, but a point's been made
and we've started a conversation,
and that's the main thing.
So we-- I-- Yeah.
All right, everyone back in the cars.
At least we'll be back in time for the football, hey?
Told you we should've only paid for an hour's parking.
Okay.
- Yeah, let's just go. - Okay.
You did the right thing.
The water bottle. That's it. Okay.
Let's get warmed up, shall we? Come on. Big day.
Yeah?
Okay. That's it.
- Hello. - Hey.
"Ass. Man."?
Assistant manager.
They charged per letter, I didn't really think it through.
No.
Last game, so let's leave it all out on the field. All right?
Hey, mate, you all right?
All right, let's get warming up.
Oh, my God. Look. Look-y.
They've got those ladder things.
It's another world, man.
No.
Go, Cuttlefish!
All right, let's see some shuffling.
Hello, mate. You all right?
Yeah, just this win for the league.
Yeah. Saw that. Well done. Well done.
You took away the two worst players, didn't you?
No, I'm only kidding, mate.
- That's just my way. - Well, no.
You know, for me, sport's about more than just the winning.
It's about them building relationships
and learning how to manage difficult emotions.
Yeah, well, best of luck in the Managing Your Emotions World Cup.
No, you've done well with that lot.
There's a limit to some of these kids, isn't there? What they can do.
At least you ain't got a load of parents in your earhole like me.
Suppose that's the--
that's the benefits of coaching a bunch of orphans, innit?
No, I'm only kidding, mate.
- That's just my way. - No. Yeah.
All right, 10 press-ups now. Come on.
Quicker. Quicker. Come on.
Honestly, I just wanna punch him full in the face.
Hello, Noah. What are you doing here, mate?
- Jason, just a word to the wise. - Go on.
Got some VIPs in the crowd.
Potential parents for Michael.
Okay. Well, that's fantastic news.
Yeah, they seem like nice people.
They've got a rosemary plant in their kitchen, which is a good sign.
So, I was hoping we could see Michael at his best behavior today.
You know, avoid any last-minute doubts from them.
Okay. Then I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll move him off the wing
because their winger's got a ponytail, that's asking for trouble.
Don't worry, he'll be good as gold.
Michael.
Quick word, mate. Listen.
Kick it.
Kick it right! Eyes forward!
Kick it! Go on, Tyler!
No!
- Still no email? - No.
I don't know what's going on with that.
I just keep thinking about how no one in Mallorca had heard of my mum.
No. No. No one.
It's just so weird 'cause she was there so recently.
Yeah, I know. I know.
I wish I'd not wasted that time.
I actually could have done okay in the exams.
I'm way smarter than these crybaby vitamin kids.
Oi, you are the smartest person I know.
I mean...
it's not a strong field, I admit.
The person in second place
had to be cut out of a life jacket earlier, so...
Okay.
Go for one, Max!
Okay, everyone, that's halftime.
Beautifully managed, okay?
Well done, mate. Few good touches there. Fantastic stuff, mate.
Yeah, I think it's going really well,
- all things considered. - Aren't we 3-nil down?
Yeah, but the slope on the pitch is insane
- and they got the wind behind them, so-- - Okay.
Honestly, if you could see how far this team has come.
You know, there was no fights today
and one of the other team was wearing a friendship bracelet
and reading a newspaper.
It's amazing from us.
Seriously.
These kids, it doesn't even occur to them that they're gonna win, does it?
At 11, they already know that.
Maybe if they were a bit more on the front foot.
Look, winning is being able to control and regulate their moods enough
to be able to sit in a classroom.
And do you know what? It might not be the worst life lesson
for them to learn how to be on a defensive.
'Cause let's face it, that might be their lives.
What?
Not you though, mate. No. No. Some other kids I know.
Go-- Well done. You get some water. Good lad.
You know, anger can take you a long way.
Yeah, but some people are allowed to be angry, aren't they?
And some aren't.
- Just gonna go to the toilet. - Okay.
Yeah, I was gonna wait until full-time to do this,
but I think the other team has pretty much given up. Bless them.
- Yeah, it looks good like that. - ...the other sign. Here we are.
Yeah. Are those the gold...
Guys, come here.
Gather around, I wanna have a little chat with you, okay?
Come here, come here, come here.
Look, I've taken something away from you that I wanna give back.
No, not your fireworks. You're not getting them back.
All right?
I took away your anger.
And I took away your anger because I wanted you to fit in.
But I don't need you to fit in anymore, because you are different.
And I don't know, maybe it's because your brains formed differently
- at an early age. Or-- - Our brains are different?
- Let's not focus on that. - That seems like a big thing.
It's a good thing.
Being different is a really, really good thing.
The world needs different people.
Who do you think sings the songs,
and writes the books, and the films, and all that?
Adopted children are two times more likely to become serial killers.
That's not really the vibe that I would-- Look, I'm gonna be honest with you,
life for you might not always be an even playing field.
But for the next 30 minutes, we've got the slope.
So, I want you to think about every single thing in your life
that has ever made you angry.
And I want you to go out there
and smash these posh, two-parent wankers to bits.
- Yeah! - Come on!
Rub the head for a bit of luck!
That's it, bit of good luck. All right, let's go! Come on!
Listen, if we're gonna win this ugly,
then I don't want Michael's "maybe parents" to see it.
- So I need you to distract them. - Right. Yes.
- Yeah, but how? - I don't know, just get them out of here.
- Right, okay. Yeah. - All right? Okay.
- Jase, Jase, Jase. - Yeah?
- You're brilliant. No. - I don't know about that.
- You are. Okay. - Cuttlefish! Come on!
- Cuttlefish! - Louder!
- Cuttlefish! Cuttlefish! - Louder!
- What are we gonna do? - I have no idea. Just follow my lead.
Hello. Hi, I'm Nikki.
- Hello. - Yes. An experienced adopter.
Yeah, this is my daughter, Princess.
- Hi. - Hi.
Fancy a coffee?
Is there enough time?
- Yes. - ...test out every tackle?
Great. Yes. Come on then.
- Are we gonna go in hard? Yeah! - Yeah!
- Are we gonna enjoy ourselves? Yeah! - Yeah!
Come on, let's go!
- Come on. This way. - Okay.
Yes!
Yes.
So, what do you do, Mark?
Well, I'm an actuary.
Shut up.
Princess, we've got an actuary.
Shut up.
Oh, my God.
I have so many questions.
- Really? Okay. - Yeah.
Well, fire away, I suppose.
Okay.
So,
what is...
an actuary?
Yes! All right.
That's it. Run back. Run back.
Loving you. Stay in their faces. That's it...
- Yeah! - That's it! Come on!
All right, guys. Let's keep the celebrations respectful.
Yeah.
- Okay. - Well done.
Okay.
Well, again, it's using statistics to assess risk,
and then developing policies to minimize the cost of that risk.
Yes, yes.
- Should we head back? - Yeah.
What is it that you do?
Well, I am an actuary too.
Well, then, all the exact same questions to you.
Yeah, that's a bit spicy.
That's definitely a bit naughty.
Oh, God. No! Stop! Stop!
- Hey, hey! Back up. - Stop! Stop the violence.
Come on, kids. Get out of my face.
That's everything I know about probability distributions.
- So, shall we head back? - Yeah.
Thank you so much.
- Thanks, guys. - Thank you.
Wait!
I've gone blind!
Oh, no! We missed the end of the match.
It's gone.
What?
- Shall we exit? - All right. Thanks.
Blind?
- Sorry. It's kind of my go-to. - Right.
Mine is I can't hear out of this ear.
- That's better. - I know.
Did we win?
No, we drew 3-all, but it means we stopped them from winning the league.
- Yes! - Come on.
Well done.
This is the song
that I was telling you about.
- It's quite catchy. - Wow.
- It's big, it's round... - Yeah, there you go.
...it takes up half the ground. Jason's head!
It's big, it's round,
- it takes up half the ground. Jason's-- - I passed!
- She passed! - Come on.
There you go. See?
- Barely, but I passed. - She passed!
We have to celebrate. Mum, have you still got that champagne?
Some of it, yeah.
- Jason, quick word? - Yes, mate. Yeah.
Hey, mate, you want a beer? They're not very cold, I'm afraid.
- Jill, love. - Thanks.
- Yeah, I'm good. - Yeah, you happy?
- Yeah. - Can I get you anything?
- No, no. I'm fine. - All right.
Now, come to me for a tackle.
Fair barge. Fair barge. Fair barge. All right?
So, Dad, for your art, you got an eight which is basically--
- That's an A. - An A.
- It's not? - Yeah.
So few painters are recognized in their own lifetime.
Mum, Vic, you got fives which is a C.
Yeah. Yeah.
A C?
Deserves more, but what do you expect from a bunch of Marxists?
All right, let's have a photograph. We need a photo.
Come on, Jase, we're gonna do a photo.
Yeah. Tall ones at the back.
- No, Mum, you've got to get in it. - No, no.
Mum, get in it.
- Come on, Nik. - Get in it.
Right. Three, two, and say cheese.
Cheese!
Yeah!
I'll get it.
That's lovely.
I want the footballers. I want a picture with the footballers.
Hey. Congratulations.
Come on. Come in. They're all in there.
- Is Scott here yet? - No, not yet. No.
That is weird. He should be here by now.
- Hello. - Hey, come on.
Karen.
Have this.
Nikki.
Come here.
I was thinking about what it is I liked about dating.
Okay.
I like fixing things.
Just not people 'cause you never know when you're done with people.
They don't just click into place like a shelving unit.
So...
Tyler did it for me.
It's a viral, I think.
Thank you.
What did Noah say? Did he tell you off?
No, he didn't tell me off. He--
He asked me if I wanted to be a social worker, actually.
Well, train to be one anyway.
Right. And...
what did you say?
Well, I said I'd talk to you first obviously,
but I would really like to say yes.
Although it's a two-year course.
How do you feel about that?
About being a student again.
I mean, I can't be a taxi driver forever, can I?
And, you know, the kids are older now.
Don't need me to stay with them all the time.
And...
I feel like I would be good at it.
I feel like I could really help people.
What's that face for now?
I think I just heard you click like a shelving unit.
- Although, you do know what this means? - What?
Well, I finally completed your transformation,
and I must move on to the other men.
That's probably for the best, actually.
Yeah. Well, it's a waste having a girlfriend
when you're in college, innit?
Mum, can I see the photos? I wanna post them.
Yes. Yeah. My phone's on the table.
Cool.
Good. At last. Didn't think he was ever gonna come.
- I'll go get that. - Yeah. Got it.
It's big, it's round, it takes up half the ground.
Jason's head! Jason's head!
It's big, it's round, it takes up half the ground.
Jason's head! Jason's head!
- Hello. - I need to speak to Karen.
It's Scott.
Quick. Go.