[alarm ringing]
- [alarm stops] - [second alarm ringing]
- Okay. - [groans]
- [third alarm ringing] - [humming]
- [fourth alarm ringing] - [sighs]
Right. Let's go, let's go, let's go!
First day of school! Whoo!
[fifth alarm ringing]
Whoops, sorry.
[Jason] Okay, that's for you.
That's for you, sir.
Right. Yep.
Sure you don't just wanna shave it all off?
- Uh, no. - Shave your head? Get rid of it?
No? Okay. Well, I'm gonna keep checking back.
Have you got your show-and-tell sorted?
Oh, is that-- You want to-- Okay.
- Is that-- Is that interesting? - It's magical and has special powers.
Does it? [giggles]
Wow. Okay.
Are you hearing this?
He wants to get up in front of his whole class
and tell them his rock's got magical powers.
[stammers] Are we all right with that?
[Nikki] It's a comfort object.
Isn't that usually a blanket or something?
[chuckles] Jase, the heart wants what the heart wants.
That is a target on his back for bullies. I mean, that's blood in the water.
[stammers] Jase, this "everyone is a threat" mentality,
this is why you won't put lip balm on when there are other men on the bus.
I was bullied at school. I know what it's like.
They will latch on to anything without adding "talks to rocks"…
- No. -…into the mix.
He-- He has a rock.
He is not talking to rocks.
[Nikki] What?
[whispering] I wasn't going to take you, but…
Yeah, okay. Fine, take it off him.
- But do it-- Just do it gently, okay. - Okay.
Do you know what?
I'm thinking that maybe this is a bit too precious to take into school.
We don't wanna lose it, do we?
So should we maybe leave it at home today,
and, um, perhaps you could do your talk on this?
- [Tyler] Okay. - Yeah? You loved this, didn't you?
Aw, I know, mate.
I know that your first week back is a bit scary.
I'll tell you what.
I want you to remember something, all right?
If ever you get scared, I want you to look at this.
I'll do one myself now. Ready?
[sing-songs nonsense syllables]
Inside this circle, there's you, there's Princess,
there's me, there's Nikki, and there's our flat.
Now this-- this circle is a-- is a safe space,
so whatever happens outside it doesn't matter
because you can always come back here, to the circle.
Okay? Here's a good boy.
[chuckles]
[imitates whooshing]
[imitates quacking]
All right, come on. Let's go.
Okay!
So, I'm gonna put this in here, all right?
Come here, you. How are we wearing it?
Do you want it to the left like a gentleman
or the right like a scoundrel?
Yeah? All right, perfect.
Get your bags together, kids. Come on, Nik. Let's go, babe!
[Jason] Come on. Let's go, let's go.
- [Nikki] Everyone ready? - One, two, three.
- Aw, that's a shame. - What?
- Chrissie and Sarah are moving. - Okay.
Aw. All right, then. Okay.
[kissing] Buh-bye. Buh-bye.
- See you, babe. - Okay, buh-bye.
- Have a good day. Bye. - Bye.
Oh, you're kidding.
- [mouse clicking] - [office workers chattering]
Aw. [chuckles]
Whoa.
- [typing] - Welcome back.
How are the kids?
- [laughs] - Yeah, yeah, they're great, thanks.
Oh! [sighs] Not allowed to do this anymore.
- [laughs] - [Nikki chuckles]
Yeah, even on the wider-- [sighs]
- Even on the wider desks. Okay. - [Nikki chuckles]
- How are you finding management, then? - Oh, I love it, Terry.
Fifteen feet and a million miles, right? From there to here.
- [both laugh] - [Nikki] Yeah.
I think your relationship with the sales team is gonna be so valuable for us.
Oh, I really hope so.
Because we need to fire one of them. [sighs]
- What? - It's bloated and underperforming.
But it's-- it's just hard to pick out one individual…
Well, yeah.
…'cause I don't know any of their names.
Right.
Could you have a think? Come back to me with a target.
- Um, is there really no other way-- - Cheers.
Right.
- [elevator bell dings] - [elevator voice] Door closing.
Where is he?
I was researching it for a book.
- What? - Nothing.
- You're selling our flat! - Am I?
Yes! Tresco Street. Yes.
Oh, right. Okay.
[whispering] Tresco Street, Tresco Street.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, they are.
Well, they can't. Because it's our flat.
Yeah, I feel you on that.
But, I mean, technically it's theirs, so they can.
- Well, can't you talk to them? - Yeah, absolutely! Uh, who?
The people that own the flat!
Well, the-- the flat's managed by a property management company
on behalf of a developer,
who's owned by a property investment company,
who's owned by an offshore trust.
Jeff? Jeff, I think one of them was called.
- I don't know. Listen. - Is that it?
I've been doing my research, okay? And they need to give us notice.
Oh, yeah, well they sent you a letter.
Aha! Well, we didn't receive the letter,
so, therefore, it is not legally binding, sir.
Okay. That's not true.
But even if it was true, your tenancy runs out in three months.
At which point, unfortunately, they can do whatever they want.
This is just typical Enron, Lehman Brothers bullshit, this, innit.
[stammers] I don't know who they are.
How can you work for vultures like this that are preying on vulnerable people?
- Well, I'm actually temping here… - Oh.
…so technically I work for Office Elves, but…
[inhales sharply]
Please. Oh, come on.
Come on, please don't sell our flat.
Please don't. It's-- It's got all our stuff in it.
[stammers] I can't-- I'm sorry, mate.
[sighs]
[stammers, sighs]
Well, we'll buy it. We'll buy it. How much is it?
Um, that's the guide price.
- Oh, for-- Seriously? - Well, yeah, approximately.
Unless there was asbestos in the ceiling or a sinkhole.
I mean, even with a sinkhole, it's pretty central. [chuckles]
Bye.
Hello, Dad.
Listen, do you know anything about asbestos?
- [phone rings] - [office workers chattering]
[Nikki breathing heavily]
- Nikki! - Shh. Jen, I need your help.
Oh, my God, how are the kids?
Do they have the faces of angels? I bet they have the faces of angels.
Yeah, they have the faces of angels. I just need some super quick--
Do they totally love you yet? I bet they totally love you. [laughs]
- Sorry, I-I'm talking again. - Terry's told me to fire someone, Jen.
From sales.
[gasps]
But I'm Jen from sales.
No, no, I have to fire someone from sales. And I can't say no, because then what?
Then Terry fires me, then neither me or Jason have jobs. [sighs]
Jen, who am I gonna fire?
Okay, well, first of all, stop saying "fire" really loudly, okay?
Right, yes. [sighs]
Right. So, worst to best,
it's Tinkle, Gentle Ben, Straight Jo, Gay Jo,
Consequence, Pork Chop, Nico when he's sober, Dirt Baby,
- Nico when he's drunk, weirdly… - Mmm.
…Drew Boy and Baby Legs.
Baby Legs?
The strongest member of our sales team is called Baby Legs?
Since Fist left, yeah.
- Well, should I fire Tinkle? - [door opens]
Okay, that's a no from me. [chuckles]
I'm crushing on her a bit.
Oh! Oh, I didn't know you--
I'm a bit of everything, Nikki, to tell you the truth.
[Nikki chuckles]
Okay, okay, here's what we're gonna do. I'm gonna work with them.
Maybe convince Terry that the team is okay as it is.
I need you off the phones, listening in to their calls.
But, Jen, Jen, Jen, it is a secret.
It is a secret special mission.
Sorry, I have to go.
I have a secret special mission. [chuckles]
Operation "improve performance quickly so I don't have to fire anyone" starts here.
[squeals]
This is so exciting. [laughs]
Sorry, I'm on a secret special mission.
[clicks]
[inhales sharply, chuckles]
[grunting]
[Vic] All right?
Bloody hell.
- What, has the reactor core melted down? - Come on.
[cell phone ringing]
Hey, mate, it's me.
Um, do you fancy a pint?
[inhales sharply]
Um, Erica's moving to Manchester.
With the kids.
Closer to her sister.
So… [chuckles] …yeah, um, I'm a bit lonely. [chuckles]
Anyway, um, just give us a call when you get a chance. Bye. [sighs]
Do you know how we get to the Odeon cinema?
Um, uh-- Yeah.
Uh, you just go straight down there, then turn right at the roundabout,
and then you wanna…
Actually, do you know what?
I'll just walk with you.
No, you don't-- You don't have to do that--
Nonsense! Happy to.
Off we go then. [chuckles]
So, what are you doing after? Any plans?
Perhaps get a lunch or something?
[device beeping, buzzing]
You know what you're looking for, yeah?
- Yep. - All right.
[Vic] I did roof pitches back in the day with Jimmy Two Legs.
Only got one arm.
- Focus on the positives. - Mmm.
[beeping, buzzing continue]
- Well, any asbestos? - [sighs] No, clean as a whistle.
Well, that's just bloody typical, innit?
Not even a bit? A smidge?
No, not even a touch of damp.
[groans] Well, can you, uh…
put asbestos in somewhere?
- No, you can't. - No, of course not.
Not anymore.
[sighs] Well, that's just my life all over, innit?
What's all this about?
Well, we're thinking about trying to buy this place, you know?
If the-- If the price is right.
[sighs]
And listen, I-- I hate to ask you--
- Well, it's a nightmare, innit, buying? - Yeah.
We've just put a deposit down on a villa in Alicante.
You haven't.
Used my Tillson's money.
Cleaned us out.
But your mum's made up.
Bloody hell, mate.
That's come out of nowhere, innit, hey?
Well, that's good. That's great!
- Right. - Yeah.
You know they put fish in everything over there?
Even the onion rings?
No, th-that's not the-- [stammers] Don't worry about it.
[Tinkle speaking on headphones, indistinct]
Is Tinkle offering people the collision damage waiver?
Um, no.
- Maybe you should tell her to do that. - Yep. Mmm.
Oh, also, tell her she looks super cute in her Docs.
[whispers] Right.
Hi. Tinkle, are you, um, offering people the collision damage waiver?
- Yeah, I am. - Oh, okay, good.
- [mouthing words] The other thing. - [mouthing words] No.
[mouthing words] The Docs.
[sighs]
Also, Jen says you look super cute in your Docs. [chuckles]
[chuckles]
[Nikki] I mean, this is amazing.
[laughs] It's insane.
We never have this few complaints.
Rentals are up.
This is War of the Worlds, apocalypse, flee-the-city levels of van hire.
- Jen, is there an apocalypse on? [laughs] - Hold on…
Yeah, no, we're fine.
- I just-- I don't believe it. - [both chuckle]
So, in one day, you've turned the whole company around.
- You are amazing. - Oh. No, I don't know about that.
No, seriously.
They would've just fired someone and ruined their life,
but you didn't let that happen.
- That's amazing. [chuckles] - Aw.
Thanks for asking me to help you.
- No, don't be silly. - No, I mean it.
Feels good to be part of a team. You know, a proper one.
Not just an ironic hashtag after a reality couple breakup.
- [chuckles] - No one ever believes in me.
Thank you. [laughs]
Aw.
[humming]
Oh, no.
[sighs, clicks tongue]
Oh, no.
[children chattering]
Um.
[sniffs] Ugh.
- Weirdo. [chuckles] - [chuckles]
[bell rings]
Hello, mate.
Mmm. [smacks lips] Mon ami. [chuckles]
There he is, nice to see you.
You too, you too. How comes you're not in the office?
Oh, well, "the office"--
It's just a state of mind really, isn't it? You know?
Plus, I lost my pass, so I'm just here working on the, uh-- on the blog. Yeah.
- Insider blog on the banking industry. - Okay. Okay.
Allows me to say what I want when I want.
And rest assured, I do.
Do you? That's good. Uh, wicked.
Um, listen, Scott, uh, I nee-- I need your help, mate.
- Here I be. - Brilliant.
You know-- Look, 'cause I don't--
I don't know anything about banking and all that, and I don't trust it.
I'm more of a "cash in hand" sorta bloke.
But we are family now,
and, you know, I see us as-- as brothers? In a way.
- Well, that me-- that means a lot. - Yeah.
- You know I've always wanted a brother. - Yeah.
I mean, I have two, but they don't like me.
[clicks tongue] Aw, that's-- That's sad.
Um, so, we wanna buy the flat.
- You wanna buy a flat? - Yeah. Yeah.
- In London? - Yes. Yeah, our-- our flat. Yeah.
- Your flat in London? - Yes, we want to buy our flat in London.
Um, but I-- We need a deposit,
and I can't ask my dad because he's buying this retirement place in Spain.
Right. Mmm.
And me and Nikki, we simply haven't got enough.
- How "not enough"? - Well, we need to double it quickly.
- Ah, wow. - Yes, and quickly.
I mean, is that something you think you might be able to do?
Hey. It's my job.
Yes. Okay, but, mate, I need a big return, all right?
So none of those ethical investments.
Like, I want dark web shit.
Like puppy farms, land mines, wet wipes, those sorts of things.
Understood.
Yeah, and it's probably best you don't tell Nikki about it though.
Just for the time being, all right?
And, Scott, I really, really cannot afford to lose this money.
I hear you. That's okay.
I can't afford to lose another brother.
Jason.
- Hey. Hey! - Yeah.
You can rely on me.
That's a candle.
[sighs]
[door opens]
[Terry] Okay, where are we?
So I took Jen off the phones, and we listened in to the others.
I thought that if I could coach them to be a bit better, then--
Sales are up. Complaints are down.
Well done. Big improvement.
Yeah… [chuckles]
Yeah, no. Not really. Um…
Complaints are down, Terry.
They're down by the exact number of people who normally complain about Jen.
- Right. - Yeah, and the sales are up
because callers are getting through to people who are not Jen.
So?
Yeah.
[clicks tongue]
- I'm gonna have to fire Jen. - Wow.
Okay. [sighs]
Yep.
Which one's Jen?
[door closes]
The rock.
[sighs] Damn it.
[inhales deeply]
[cell phone rings]
Hello. Yeah, hello.
Hello, mate. Are you busy?
[Freddy pants]
[Jason pants]
Thank you, Shanice.
That's really coming on.
Okay, uh…
Tyler, would you like to come up?
[both panting]
[exhales deeply]
[panting]
This is my rock.
It's magic, and it has special powers.
[students laughing]
[bully] Weirdo.
- [both panting] - Oh, no. Oh, no. Hurry up. Come on.
[panting]
Hi. Sorry, can you let us through there, please? There's this, uh, rock.
Okay.
[Jason panting]
[students laughing]
Uh-- Thank you.
Why don't you tell us why you wanted to show us the rock?
- [students gasp] - Government scientists.
Stay where you are.
Everyone, stay calm. There's no need to panic.
- [mouthing words] It's okay. - [Jason] Ready?
Easy, easy, easy, easy, easy, easy, easy.
Stay nice and still, please, young man.
- Is this the rock? - We have to be certain.
- [device beeps, buzzes] - Oh, boy.
My goodness. It's stronger than we thought.
[sighs]
All right, everybody.
- Stay calm and do not look directly at it. - [Freddy] Don't move.
Don't look at it.
[Freddy] Cover your eyes.
Okay.
- Good boy. Come on. - Gently. Gently.
Careful. Care--
- Oh. - [rock rattling]
[Jason breathes heavily]
- It's okay. - [Freddy] Whew.
Great work, Tyler. Great work.
[sighs] What about them?
They've seen too much.
Shall I--
- No! No, no, no. - [students] No!
No, we can trust them. Listen, we were not here.
This never happened.
This is a normal rock.
It is not from outer space,
and it does not, I repeat, not have any special powers whatsoever.
- Are we clear? - [students] Yes.
Young man…
You're a credit to your class, your school and your family.
Over and out.
If you develop any superpowers whatsoever,
call this number. Okay?
[students cheering]
Okay, okay. Okay, everyone.
- Thanks for that, mate. - No worries.
So, you wanna do another school or--
What? No. What?
Nothing.
- [sighs] Just a bit lonely. [chuckles] - Aw.
- Don't want to hang out? - I can't, mate. Sorry.
I've gotta get back to the house and do kids' tea.
[Freddy] Yeah. Yeah. For sure. [sighs]
- Thank you. - [Freddy] Laters.
- So, what you having? - Fajitas.
[Freddy] Ooh, nice.
I prefer a dry rub to a marinade, particularly for your leaner meats.
[Jason] Please don't be talking to me about dry rub.
Okay, so, what is the plan with the rock?
[Jason] Oh, I don't know. [sighs]
- I think it's just a phase. It's just-- - Mmm.
It's just unfortunate that it's our first phase.
[chuckles]
You know, I-- I really missed them when I was at work.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I figure, if I'm gonna spend time with people I barely know
and struggle to make small talk with, it may as well be my kids.
- Listen. - Yeah?
I need to tell you something.
[Jason swallows]
-'Kay… - Um…
Sarah and Chrissie aren't moving.
Oh, good.
- It's us. - What?
They're-- They're selling-- They're selling our flat. Yeah.
- [chuckling] What? - Yeah.
- Are you kidding? - No.
- But-- What-- - No. Jase--
No, but-- [stammers] What are we gonna do?
We're gonna buy it.
[scoffs] What do you mean, "We're gonna buy it"? How?
I just said to 'em, "We'll buy it." It was actually pretty easy.
No, we don't have the money for that.
[stammers]
My dad's gonna lend it to us.
- [gasps] Really? - Yeah.
What? No, it-- Is that enough?
- Uh-huh, could be. Could be. - [breathing heavily]
Listen. But, but we might have to put the wedding on hold for a bit,
and it's gonna take time to come through. He needs to move stuff around.
[squealing] Oh, my God! [laughs]
It's gonna take a while to come through. And, listen-- listen to me. Listen to me.
He feels a bit awkward about it, all right?
- Keep it to yourself. Okay? - It's amazing. It's amazing.
[both laughing]
- All right. - Oh, my God.
- I'm gonna get some more wine. - Go on then. Okay.
[chuckling] Oh, it is good. It is good. It is-- [sighs]
[mouthing words]
[soft rock music playing]
[both giggling]
[soft rock music continues]