-Nikki. -Yeah.
Tell me again what it is we're doing here.
Well, it's a chance for new families to bond, isn't it?
And I still haven't bonded properly with Princess.
-I've not had the moment yet. -What moment?
The moment.
The "look into each other's eyes," "you're the one" moment.
I feel like you guys have all had that.
I haven't had it yet.
Jase, do you get the vibe she doesn't like me?
No. Why? Do you?
Maybe.
I don't know how to tell. No one's ever not liked me before.
Okay. Well, now I don't like you.
Look, you get them all week. This is my chance.
I just thought they'd fall for me the way you did, you know?
-Immediately. -Okay.
Look, just don't put too much on it.
Don't force it. Just let it flow, you know?
-Yeah. -What do I know?
Hello!
I made a new friend.
You've been here two minutes. I haven't even signed in yet.
I know. It's sort of a superpower.
-Hello. Jason. -Hi, Rosa, this is Jason.
-Hi, Jason. -Hello, Rosa. How are you?
-Jason. -Yes.
My friend runs an expat group in Spain.
-I'll get the number for your dad. -Amazing. Thank you so much.
Four minutes.
I mean, I literally lived with Freddy for two years
before I even knew he had a sister.
Okay, kids! Come and get your badges!
Good boy, Tyler.
And you're Nikki-- Jason--
-No, I'm Princess! -Yes, I know.
All right, go and finish your story.
What's with the lamp?
The lamp. Well, that's Adam.
See, it used to be a rock.
And then we thought anything would be better than that.
It's been a lateral move, Rosa.
Kids, badges!
Bye.
She's so great.
Hey. Don't be competitive.
She's got a much nicer personality than she needs to with a face like that.
No, she was either bullied at school or her dad left, guaranteed.
Some people are just pretty and nice, okay?
-Let's bond the shit out of this. -Yes!
Tickly, tickly.
Tickly little kids.
Tiny, little tickly people.
People…
It's so pretty here.
Maybe we shouldn't buy the flat. Maybe we should just move here.
Away from all the crime and the drugs.
Are you kidding? Way more drugs in the country.
-What? -Well, nothing else to do, is there?
Literally everyone here is high on crack or red diesel.
Here you go. All right, guys, what do you reckon?
-Look at this. Perfect spot. -Yeah!
-Let's do this! Perfect. -Tyler, some water?
Right!
Hands up, who wants to put up a tent?
Princess, catch!
-Princess is in. There you go. Lovely. -No, I was trying to catch the peg!
Hold on a second, where's the peg?
Where's the peg? Where is the peg?
There's the peg. Found the peg. But where's Princess gone? Princess?
-I'm here! -Princess?
Oh, my God, there's a tiny bear!
-There is a tiny little bear. -Okay, no, look-- Guys--
That's funny, but we need to put the tent up.
Otherwise we're just four people standing up in a field, aren't we?
So, come on.
-People still do that, yeah? -What?
-Roll sleeves up before they do something. -Some people, yes!
Here is a magnificent, tiny bear!
Now Tyler's gone. Tyler?
Yes. Yeah. All right.
-What? -Listen, can I have a word?
Yeah, all right.
Right. Find that peg. What? What's the matter?
It's not fair you're always having fun with them.
I don't know how to be like that.
Teach me to be like you.
What? What do you mean?
I'm not fun enough. That's why she prefers you.
Come on. You're loads of fun.
What about you at Emily's birthday drinks?
Then that time we had wine with Dave in the park. Remember that?
And what about that brewery tour, you r--
-Okay. All right. -No.
I join in the fun. I don't bring the fun.
I always overthink things with the kids.
You never do anything by the book, and it always works out.
I do everything by the book, and it never works out.
Oh, my God! Did I buy the wrong bloody book?
-Just be yourself, Nikki. -No!
No one should be themselves until they know it's safe.
Be someone else until they like you,
then become yourself gradually so you don't scare them off.
Right.
No, I need to be more Jason.
-Where do I start? -I don't know, have a laugh.
Get-- But how?
Go in there. Have a bit of banter with them or something, you know?
-Right. -Yeah?
-Right. -Okay.
Tell you what, you put up the tent. I'm just gonna do a few notes.
-All right. -Just think of a few ad-libs.
Come on, then, you two.
Free kick! Reds!
Are we gonna get out at all?
No! It's pissing it down.
I'll be honest with you. I think I've lost my passion for teaching.
Throw-in. Blue!
Yeah. I can sense it ebbing a bit.
I thought coaching might spark something.
It hasn't.
I think I'm jealous of them.
Their potential.
Sometimes I give the pretty ones worse marks
'cause I just think, "You've got enough." You know?
That's bad, isn't it?
Nah, it isn't. It's true. We do have enough.
Here.
Finish it if you want.
They're not mine. They were in lost property.
Amy,
how long for? This is fish.
Too fancy for lost lunches?
Nice to be you.
No.
Everyone else in my life has a passion.
What's mine?
Don't know, mate.
One thing's for sure. It is not kids.
Come o--
Jessica, move your arse!
No, it is not.
Should put that out a bit further, I reckon. What about you? Tyler?
-Okay. Give her the hammer. -All right, guys.
How we all doing? Oh, yeah.
Where is Princess? Where is she?
I can't find--
I can't find her anywhere.
Where are the pegs then?
Come on, kids.
And the tent's not fully up, but--
That's fine 'cause we're all having fun!
Sorry, can I have a little word with you?
So then what is that? Is that what you think I'm like?
Yeah, in spirit. Yeah, I do.
Come on, guys!
Hey, all right, give me that.
-Jase, I'm being banter-y. -Give me that.
-This isn't gonna work, all right? -Why?
'Cause you're not being me, are you?
To do that, you need to understand where the banter comes from, all right?
And to do that, you need to fully understand
my…
philosophy of life.
-Your philosophy of life? -Yeah.
-Yeah, what? -No, nothing, it's--
You rarely hear a phrase like that
coming from someone eating two children's yogurts, but please go ahead.
You know, I suppose it's just-- You need to--
You need to maximize the positives, not minimize the negatives.
So you should ask yourself not what could go wrong,
more what could go right.
But seriously, Jase, you really just-- You never worry about anything.
Worrying. Pointless, innit?
There might've been use for it when there were saber-toothed tigers,
but all it does now is hold you back.
So, for instance,
first thing in the bag should be the water pistol
and not the first aid box.
So, you gotta
live in the moment.
Get bloody stuck in.
-Yeah. -Yeah?
No, I can do that.
Listen, can I take Princess this afternoon, just me and her?
Yeah. Lovely. All right.
-That is tight, son! -Where do you think I'm from?
I don't know.
Hello.
Princess, do you know what kayaking is?
Well, you get in a boat, and you paddle around in it.
Is Jason coming?
No.
No, I thought it might be nice if it was just us.
-Okay. -Okay.
Oh, no, I don't think kids can take anything on the kayak, actually.
But because I'm fun and cool,
and if you promise not to tell anyone, I'm gonna let you take one thing.
Not Jason.
Oh, no.
Are you joining us?
So, we have a new member today.
Freddy? Would you like to tell us why you're here?
It's okay just to listen.
No. Okay?
Hi, my name's Freddy, and I am not an alcoholic.
We understand it can be difficult--
Really, I'm not. I'm just an arsehole.
I didn't lose everything 'cause of the old…
I lost it 'cause I'm an arsehole, and-- Well, is it really that different?
'Cause the only real difference is
that I don't have a place to go and talk where I won't be judged.
And I need to tell some people.
Because I am not a strong person.
People just assume that because I'm tall.
I had an affair, and I lost my family.
Feels so good to be able to be honest.
This is a safe space.
You're a good person who deserves to be happy.
Doing one bad thing doesn't change that.
I mean, I do have a few more.
You all right?
How far do we have to go?
Far enough so that we can't see the tent anymore.
What do you think? Yeah?
What's your favorite thing about being here?
-The sound the zip makes on the tent. -Oh, yeah?
Is Adam cold?
No, he's not cold, mate. He's made of metal, look!
Are there badgers?
-Do you like badgers, yeah? -No.
Then there's no badgers.
There might be.
I have never once seen a badger in my entire life.
In fact, I once went to a wildlife sanctuary.
I stood outside the badger enclosure.
I banged on the glass. Even threw a little bit of food in.
Still no badgers.
There are no badgers.
-All right, gents. -Afternoon.
It's all right, mate. It's all right. It's a squirrel or something.
Can squirrels grab things?
Yeah, I suppose so, sometimes, yeah.
Okay, then you take him. Just so he's safe.
Okay.
Can squirrels eat people?
No, only nuts. You're not a nut, are you?
No. Miss Keele says I'm just different.
Sometimes I worry about my morals.
When there's a plane crash or something,
the only way I can feel sympathy is if I imagine all the people were puppies.
That's not right, is it?
If there's a charity appeal on the TV,
I get my phone out so people will think I'm donating.
I'm just reading The Spectator online.
Every time.
Okay, well, should we take a little--
I didn't cry at all when my gran died.
I feel so guilty.
I was the one who suggested we take her skiing.
You okay?
-You okay? -Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay.
Oh, no. Shark!
I'm only kidding. Yeah, there's no sharks here.
No, the crocodiles chased them all away.
I didn't bring my camera.
Okay, mental picture.
You thirsty?
-Yeah. -Yeah, I thought so.
I'm just gonna get your water out of my bag!
What's the matter? You get wet, Princess?
When I heard about that earthquake in Puerto Rico,
I was eating my breakfast.
I didn't even lose my appetite, just carried on eating.
Had another egg.
And I'm pretty sexist.
I can't find any woman attractive if she has very short hair.
When I see women with really short hair, I'm not undressing them with my eyes.
I'm adding hair.
Okay, really time for a break now.
Anyone else know there's a website
that compiles all the naked scenes from Game of Thrones?
'Cause I do.
We've had such a lovely afternoon. How was your day?
We've got a problem.
You left a vacuum, and I couldn't fill it.
Shut up. They love you.
Because when you're around, I get to be the fun one.
But when you leave, then he starts coming at me
with, like, feelings and lamps and feelings about lamps, and I don't--
Honestly, I didn't know what to say.
Well… he's never had a family, has he?
So he's always creating families all around him.
Okay, so to Tyler, that flower isn't just a flower.
Right, that is a baby flower
with a mummy and sister flower who love him very much.
The lamp is part of his family.
Yeah, exactly.
-Careful. -I know.
He can't come to you yet, so you need to go to him.
You need to feel the world the way that he feels it.
-Yeah? Then you'll understand him. -Okay.
Yeah, okay.
I'll try.
-I'll give it a go. -Okay.
Hey, how'd you do that water bottle thing?
What water bottle thing?
The thing when you know exactly when they're thirsty.
-No, I don't. -You do.
No, I don't.
-No, I'm all right, thanks. -See, I haven't got a clue.
Gather round.
Okay, my lovely little pumpkin seeds. Capture the flag.
We have ten family teams,
and you must all take a flag and plant it somewhere.
Come and get your flags.
Oh, no, sorry. We're red.
We're red. I got the red flag.
You must try to capture the other teams' flags.
But if you are caught in another team's territory,
then you are sent to jail.
But don't worry, there are nachos and dips.
So fly, my lovelies, and plant your flags where no one shall find them!
Except me, actually, 'cause I need them back by end of day.
-Did you get those rules? -Let's go!
I want to beat her.
Yeah, I wanna beat her, but I won't.
I won't. No one's keeping score. Just a bit of fun, isn't it?
-Doesn't matter that they won the tents. -Okay, come on.
Well, that's another 400 views for The Undercover Banker.
I sent you the link.
What's this?
This is my insider's blog on the banking industry.
I found a route around the--
the straight, white, cis male gatekeepers of the publishing industry.
It's a real state-of-the-nation call to arms,
inspired by the work of Sólveig Anspach,
who, in my opinion, really should be every bit as famous
as Hans-Jürgen Syberberg.
Well, don't worry. She is.
So great to have a calling.
What?
I hate my job, Scott.
I hate it so much and all of the time.
I've had no idea.
What do you-- What--
Which part of it do you hate?
The children.
Right.
That's quite a big part.
I just can't stand them anymore.
Their tiny little faces
and their tiny little brains and their tiny little hands.
And how it takes them 45 minutes to eat two slices of apple.
And how the whole day is about them.
I mean, seriously, is nobody gonna ask me how I am?
You know, I have given them the best years of my life,
and they won't even remember my name.
And they just walk off with my stuff.
Do you know how many of my glue spreaders came back intact at the end of last term?
You'd be shocked, Scott.
You know, all I do is think about their future.
Well, who is gonna think about mine?
Whose job is it to think about that?
Yes, another like.
Sorry.
What's a glue spreader?
Princess, want a drop of water?
They're so fluffy.
Wait, wait, wait.
-There's someone in our territory. -Quick, hide!
Oh, my gosh. Thank you, honey.
Look at that.
-I love you, Mummy. -I love you.
I want to beat them.
I don't want to be relaxed. I don't just want to be fun.
I want to take things too seriously. I want to be me again.
I want you to be you again.
Thanks. Gasping.
Let's win this.
Nikki, that is incredibly hot.
-Three, two, one. Go! -Come on!
I'm so sorry.
It's all right. Not scary.
Now!
Run!
We're gonna win!
-Stop! -What?
Where's Adam?
What are we gonna do?
We go back. No one left behind.
He's part of the family. Come on.
I don't get it. Why isn't he here?
Adam.
Quick, come on.
-Come on. -Hey, stop!
-Stop!
-Good. -Come on.
Adam!
Yeah, he's a bit beaten up.
There they are.
Go sit down there.
Oh, God.
-This is sexy? -No.
-No? -No.
Come on.
-Is that my bronzer? Jase. -I don't know.
-I don't know. It was just in your bag. -That's expensive. Bloody hell.
We can't move here.
These are city kids.
When we went for a walk in the pine forest, Princess asked,
"Why did the air smell like shower gel?"
Do you know what? It's a gift you have, not to worry.
-I don't know. -Really, no, it's great.
Has your dad put the money through?
No. But he's-- What did he--
He said it's gonna be soon.
And that he'll--
So, yeah.
Yeah.
It worked for a bit, didn't it? Me being you.
Only 'cause I was being you 'cause someone's got to be.
Look, any idiot can be "fun."
But when shit gets real,
then they're gonna look to you for things that I'm just not able to give them.
Princess? Do you want seconds?
She's doing it on purpose, Nikki.
Hey, she's stress testing you
because she wants to know if you're gonna give up.
And if you are,
then she needs to know sooner rather than later.
Yes.
-Guess who's been reading some books? -Shut up.
No, I had a chat with Rosa about it.
She said that she was the same with her stepdad.
Dad abandoned her. See? Told you.
All right, mate.
The point is, she's making it hard for you on purpose.
Well, she's picked on the wrong person
if she thinks I'm gonna give up when things get hard.
Because little does she know…
I find everything hard.
You'll win her over eventually.
And if she's anything like me,
then she won't even know it's happening.