♪ She took the last train ♪
♪ Home. ♪
(whooping)
Max Kingbird! Rock star! You can do better than that.
Oh, the crowd, not you, Max.
You're awesome. You're a rock star!
Thank you for that enthusiastic response
to a song about my cousin's depression.
I'm gonna take a break now.
Yeah, if you like that song,
wait'll you hear the one about his dead dog.
Great set, man.
I'm gonna have to up your pay.
I sing for free.
Not anymore.
Here's some curly fries.
Sheila, Carter and I are remodeling.
What do you think about this kitchen?
I'm going for "having our friends over
and making them feel crappy about their lives."
Well, you know, I used to be an interior designer,
if you'd like some help.
Oh, I didn't know you did that.
Yes. This was back in New York in the '70s.
Lots of shag carpeting and chairs shaped like mushrooms.
My God, we were high.
("Gotta Go" by Kilgore playing)
Hey, Max.
♪ We'll disappear into the night ♪
♪ Just like the sun... ♪
Dad?
♪ I don't know... ♪
Long time no see.
You got big.
Yeah, 30 years'll do that.
Can-can we sit down?
You can. I'm out of here.
♪ Got to, got to go ♪
♪ We got to, got to go... ♪
That was Max's father?
He left when Max was, like, ten.
This is not good.
Good-looking man, no wedding ring.
I could be your mother and your mother-in-law.
And it just got worse.
♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪
♪ Nothin' wrong with you but I'd rather be me. ♪
Max, hold on.
I want to talk to you.
Really?
How did you even find me?
Your Aunt Joyce posted about your show.
It was "QAnon, QAnon,
"my nephew Max is a big-time singer,
QAnon, cat video."
Look, I don't know what you want from me,
but I got a set to finish and... Guys,
I can see you through the window.
Look, Max, I'm not the guy I used to be.
-(sighs) -I quit drinking.
Again?
Oh! Oh, look who's here. I didn't know you were out here.
I just, uh...
I was at the more shops and additional parking.
Hi, I'm... I'm Kat.
I'm Max's girlfriend.
Hi, I'm Max's father, Dan, and, uh, I'm...
Leaving. He's leaving.
Right.
Look, here's my number if you want to have dinner.
Damn, these guys age well.
Makes me wish I had started wearing sunscreen years ago.
You know, I'm his girlfriend, so I'm just gonna take that.
(chuckles)
well, I hope to hear from you, Max.
Are you okay?
Yeah, fine.
Are you gonna have dinner with him?
Why would I?
Aren't you curious?
I-I can't deal with this right now.
I have a set to finish... Guys,
I can still see you.
Tell me, what kind of vibe
do you want for your kitchen?
We want it to feel very inviting.
Like, like where Martha Stewart could roll croissants
and Snoop Dogg can roll a blunt.
Yeah, and the countertops need to be able to hold
both of our body weights.
No reason.
Here you go, Sheila.
Oh, you're looking clean, man.
You got the second-best haircut in the room.
(chuckles) Thank you.
Yeah, Max sent him to his stylist.
Oh, she washed my hair, gave me a shoulder massage,
then she used a blow-dryer,
so I guess I got my first blow...
No, that's different, that's different.
Oh.
This is beautiful.
Have you thought of a feature wall,
maybe with reclaimed wood?
I once built a whole barn out of another barn.
The circle of barns.
That's actually a very good idea.
You know, I would be happy to give you a hand
with construction.
I've built more than just barns.
Hay lofts, horse paddocks, a Dairy Queen.
Really?
Yeah. The only thing I can't build is
a family of my own.
(sighs)
Morning.
Oh, hey there. Did you get my email?
I did.
I've never gotten an Evite to take a sexy shower before.
I RSVP'd yes and commented
"I would loofah to join you."
I don't know if your party is private or not,
but if you want to invite me,
I do now have an email.
It's Gideon, Hezekiah, Zechariah, Jebediah, Jedidiah,
one, two, two, five-- that's Christmas--
@aol.com.
So, the same as your Instagram.
Max, have you given any more thought
to having dinner with your dad?
I've been thinking more about this sexy shower...
that I'm now realizing is in three weeks.
There's nothing sexier than planning ahead.
(scoffs)
As far as my dad-- you're right,
I should probably hear what he has to say.
But you're coming with me.
I'm not sitting there alone with him.
Great. I will set it up.
Mm, more planning.
I'm gonna add it to our shared calendar.
-(phone vibrates) -Oh.
Roy and Amanda just RSVP'ed yes to the sexy shower.
Roy and Amanda?
Oh, no.
I sent this Evite to my book club?
(groans)
So after my father passed, I thought to myself,
"Is teaching mathematics really my life's purpose?"
No, so I opened a café where you can get coffee
and muffins and snuggle with cats.
I know you know all this,
but I can't assume he watches the show.
So, how long have you and Max been together?
About four months.
But we've been best friends since college.
We still think he's coming?
Oh. Yeah, yeah.
He's just... he's just running late.
You know, he-he booked studio time,
he's recording a demo, trying to get signed by a label.
He's actually really good.
He's like Elton John in Tom Brady's body. (chuckles)
-Well, definitely better than the other way around. -(laughs)
I've never been to an Ethiopian restaurant before.
And I'm loving this.
Microwaves should come with a preset button--
popcorn, baked potato, hot towel.
(sniffs)
You're gonna love the food.
I got a taste for it when I was working in Africa.
Africa, wow.
Do you miss "the rains"?
(chuckles) Toto?
No? No Toto?
So, Dan, what do you do for living?
Well, you know those big oil pipelines
everyone likes to protest?
Get out. You're an eco-warrior?
Close. I laid the pipes.
-Oh. -Anyway, now I volunteer for a charity
that brings fresh water to rural villages.
Oh, that's so inspiring.
You're like Gandhi in Tom Brady's body.
No, please, that guy is so overrated.
-Gandhi, not Tom Brady. -(chuckles)
Yeah, I mean, Gandhi beat the British empire,
but Tom Brady beat the 2017 Falcons
after being down 28-3
with two minutes left in the third, so... GOAT.
(laughs)
(phone vibrates)
Oh, no.
Everything okay?
Yeah, it's just Max's session is running long.
He's not gonna be able to make dinner.
Well, I can't say I blame him.
Anyway, it was nice meeting you,
and I'm just glad Max found someone who makes him happy.
Wait, hang on.
We're both here. We're both hungry.
Why don't we just have dinner?
Really? You sure?
Yeah, we can talk more football like, uh, Tom Brady.
Too pretty?
Okay. And yes.
(laughs)
All right. What should I have to drink?
They got a keribo, a cheka.
A "spree-tay"?
-Uh, that's just Sprite. -Oh.
This is so good. Max would love this.
Really?
The Max I remember wasn't an adventurous eater.
He would only eat foods he could draw.
Well, he has certainly broadened his horizons.
He's traveled all over the world.
He can order chicken nuggets in 12 different languages.
There was a time I could order whiskey neat
-in 12 different languages. -(chuckles)
Really, you just say, "whiskey neat."
Yeah, Max told me you stopped drinking.
That's great.
I've got a little over a year. It's the longest I've ever gone.
I promised myself I wouldn't reach out to Max again
until it stuck.
I didn't know you reached out to him before.
Only 30, 40 times.
To be fair, a lot of those were just me drunkenly singing
"Cat's in the Cradle" on his voice mail.
So that's why he hates that song.
Did you ever sing him "Come On Eileen?"
Oh, I had my moments, but I was never that drunk.
(laughs)
What up, YouTube?
And welcome to the premiere episode of Hot Lots.
-This is our lot. -And I'm hot.
Eh, and I'm here, too.
We are gonna document
the amazing transformation of our home.
We're gonna turn this condominium
into a condo-maximum.
-(chuckles) -That's right.
And if there are any sponsors out there
who want to give us free stuff, we're open to anything.
Even naming rights.
Like, over here could be the Circuit City doorway.
Or around the corner we can have the Souplantation laundry nook.
(chuckles) Yeah. Laundry and farting nook.
-What? -What?
That's why people watch us.
They love those classic Carter moments.
(chuckling)
Well, let me introduce you to our dream team.
Our wonderful designer, Sheila Silver.
Oh, hello.
I... I didn't realize you'd be filming today.
I wouldn't have worn this ratty old thing.
And our contractor, Gideon Yoderman.
Hey, y'all.
I am excited about this renovation.
And yes, ladies, I'm single.
I enjoy hiking, carpentry, and sex.
Hey, the show is called Hot Lots,
not Gideon Gets His Freak On.
Okay, so, what do we do first?
Well, I know y'all want to open up this kitchen,
so we need to take down this entire wall.
We just need to make sure that there's no duct work,
plumbing, or electrical inside.
So how do we check for all that?
Well, my cousin Ernie would put one foot in a bucket of water
and then reach his hand inside the wall
to see if he could find anything.
Oh, sorry-- my late cousin Ernie.
CARTER: Well, maybe cousin Ernie
needed a sledgehammer! (grunts)
Yep, there's electrical inside.
♪ ♪
(snoring)
(clears throat)
(snorts, grunts)
What's going on? Oh, oh, you're awake?
Oh.
Hey.
Oh, I didn't hear you come in last night.
I had a really interesting dinner with your dad.
We had Ethiopian food.
Did you know he volunteers for a charity in Africa?
Also, why don't you like the song "Come On Eileen"?
-That's a heck of a tune. -(groans)
-Good morning to you, too. -Sorry.
You just...
You said you were gonna come last night.
What happened?
(sighs) Well...
I got done recording, I got in my car
and then I realized, "Screw this."
I-I got nothing but bad feelings for him.
-Okay, but it seems like he's on a good path. -(scoffs)
Well, you had one dinner with him,
so you probably know him better than I do.
Okay. Max, I'm-I'm only pushing this
because I know that you miss having a dad around.
You wrote that beautiful song
about wanting to reconnect with him.
So?
Mariah Carey wrote a song called
"All I Want for Christmas Is You,"
but you know she wants more for Christmas.
Why are you being so stubborn?
I used to wake up on Saturday mornings to watch cartoons...
...find him passed out on the couch,
turn his head to the side so he wouldn't choke on his own vomit
and then sit down to watch Scooby-Doo.
He would've died if it wasn't for this meddling kid.
So please, just drop it.
I think you're making a mistake.
What part of "I don't want to see him"
don't you get?
I know you think
the world is all rainbows and cat memes,
but this is my life, Kat, and it's none of your business.
(door closes)
What's up, cuz?
What's going on here?
You got a court date? A funeral?
Faking a funeral to get out of a court date?
(chuckling) I was at Grandma's last night.
She said she wants me to get a job
where I wear a suit and tie, so I got one.
Really? What is it?
Vice president of beer distribution.
Here you go, sir.
Distributed.
CARTER: Hey, Max.
Give me a double shot of tequila.
Sorry, my department only handles beer.
You okay?
Nope.
-This about your dad? -Yep.
You haven't had a drink in a couple of months.
Sure the best time to have one
is when your alcoholic father comes back?
Seems perfect to me.
All right. I can give you a drink.
Or... I can give you a sledgehammer
and you can go to my place and smash stuff up.
Anybody there gonna have any
big feelings about my life?
If they do, you're holding a sledgehammer.
If I put this video on my dating profile,
you think women'll buy that it's me?
Swipe right if you like a guy
who swings a big hammer.
That's gonna attract the naughty girls. (chuckles)
So I'm gonna use it. (laughs)
(Max grunting)
("Godspeed Your Love" by David Segall playing)
What's up, Kat?
Hey, Carter.
Look at this.
Who goes to a bar and leaves this behind?
Was it a mistake, was it a warning?
What are you looking at?
-What's it to you, chump? -Aah!
Have you seen Max?
He went to our place to help with the demo.
He seemed pretty upset.
Do you ever see somebody making a mistake,
but you just don't know how to help them?
(grunts)
Is this about Max and his dad?
Yeah.
Max could finally have a father in his life,
but he just won't even give him a chance.
There's a better chance that dummy's body walks over,
grabs his head and walks out of here.
What I'm saying is that's not gonna happen.
Right?
Why not?
I can't tell you how many times a day
I wish I had just
five more minutes with my dad.
You want more time with your dad.
That doesn't mean Max wants the same thing.
But maybe it's about what he needs.
What he needs is a girlfriend who supports him.
I support...
The way he wants you to.
Okay.
But I just want to leave open the possibility
that everybody's wrong but me.
(chuckling)
-Thank you, Carter. -Hey, anytime.
♪ Never loved a girl like you. ♪
Hi, Carter.
Aah!
♪ ♪
Well, how about that?
My video of me swinging my sledgehammer
in my tank top has gotten me quite a few likes.
Swipe right,
swipe right...
Oh, I know her.
Swipe right.
Hey, Max, you feeling better?
I really do care about your mental health,
but I also could use my bathroom demo-ed.
Oh, Carter didn't say
anything about redoing the bathroom.
No, he didn't, but once Max knocks down a wall down,
I mean, we got to do something.
I was thinking maybe a walk-in steam shower
with chromotherapy light, eight body jets,
and 16-inch rain shower.
Is just something that popped into my head.
Sorry if I got kind of crazy.
It's just, seeing my dad brings everything back again.
Oh, trust me, I get it. My mom drives me nuts.
She calls me once a month to complain that I don't call her
and then criticizes me for a hour.
That's why I don't call you, bitch.
Am I awful that I won't even sit down with him?
I don't think so.
Families are complicated.
I mean, I know that I've never been
what my father thought I should be.
I was never strong enough,
never pious enough,
never serious enough.
Well, you know what, Father?
You were never kind enough.
Never patient enough.
Never...
...loving enough.
Is that why you left?
It was a big part of it.
I knew if I left I could
maybe finally be happy.
But I also knew
I would never see my family again.
Damn. That's a lot to carry.
I know you're in a tough spot,
but take it from me--
it's okay
to let go of someone who's not good for you.
Even if, deep down,
you love them.
Thanks, man.
Damn, now y'all got me thinking about my mama.
Come on, let's go make some room for that steam shower.
(knocking)
♪ ♪
Dan?
This is a dramatic development.
♪ Dan, Dan, Dan! ♪
-Hey. -Hi. Uh, come on in.
Thanks.
Whoa. I saw something like that once
on a bad acid trip.
-(laughs) -Uh,
I'm leaving tonight and I, uh,
I-I picked you up a little something.
Oh. (laughing)
A hot towel kit.
Well, it was either that or a six pack of "Spree-tay."
Thanks.
Uh...
listen, I, uh...
I got a favor to ask.
Uh, maybe we could stay in touch.
You could let me know what's going on with Max?
Look, um...
I know you're really trying,
but I think...
I think that has to be Max's decision.
Yeah.
No, I-I get it, uh...
Well, it, uh, you know,
uh, maybe we'll see each other again someday.
-You, I hope I never see again. -(chuckles)
Hey, Kat, have you seen my...
Dad.
Uh, she didn't know I was coming and, uh,
you know, I-I didn't know that you were here.
Take care.
Hang on.
Yeah?
I-I... Hold on a sec.
I just... I can't, with that.
Kat says she thinks you've changed.
And maybe you are a different guy now, but...
I don't care.
I was ten years old
when you walked out.
Ten!
Who the hell does that?
And now you want to come back and, what, play catch?
No thanks.
You taught me one thing in life, Dad.
How to get along without you.
So I really do hope that you've turned your life around,
but I don't need to be a part of it.
Fair enough.
(exhales)
I know you think I probably blew my one sh...
(sobbing)
Sorry, I... I just... I can't...
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Over any mountain ♪
♪ Across any sea ♪
♪ There is no distance ♪
♪ That's too far for me ♪
♪ I will be right here ♪
♪ For you ♪
♪ Yes, I'm waiting. ♪
Captioning sponsored by WARNER BROS. TELEVISION
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org