1
00:00:03,713 --> 00:00:06,730
Hey, Pete. Guess what I have.
2
00:00:06,790 --> 00:00:09,157
Uh, an upbeat attitude
that secretly annoys me?
3
00:00:09,176 --> 00:00:11,418
Not so secret anymore.
(laughs)
4
00:00:11,554 --> 00:00:14,346
I have receipts.
5
00:00:14,539 --> 00:00:15,681
20 of them in fact.
6
00:00:15,874 --> 00:00:17,683
And per your Pet Perks
loyalty program,
7
00:00:17,834 --> 00:00:20,260
I would like to redeem them
for my free bag of cat food.
8
00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:21,669
(exclaims)
Sorry, my hands are shaking.
9
00:00:21,731 --> 00:00:23,004
It's kind of a big day.
10
00:00:23,065 --> 00:00:25,432
Oh, yeah, um,
that promotion is over.
11
00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:27,342
What are you talking about?
12
00:00:27,403 --> 00:00:29,269
The promotion and how it's over.
13
00:00:29,421 --> 00:00:31,588
It takes a long time
to amass 20 receipts.
14
00:00:31,690 --> 00:00:32,923
Uh-- We have a new promotion.
15
00:00:33,025 --> 00:00:35,092
Buy one snake, get one free.
16
00:00:35,152 --> 00:00:37,611
That's not a promotion, that's
a way to get rid of snakes.
17
00:00:37,763 --> 00:00:39,096
A-And this isn't right.
18
00:00:39,156 --> 00:00:41,281
I mean, I held up
my end of the bargain.
19
00:00:41,433 --> 00:00:44,785
I even made this fanny pack
to house my receipts.
20
00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:47,529
I took a lot of grief
for wearing this fanny pack--
21
00:00:47,590 --> 00:00:49,606
a few compliments
but a lot of grief.
22
00:00:49,625 --> 00:00:50,624
What are you doing?
23
00:00:50,718 --> 00:00:53,093
Bathing myself in your tears.
24
00:00:54,037 --> 00:00:55,870
Can you believe this guy?
25
00:00:55,931 --> 00:00:57,872
You know, Pete, I'm gonna take
this bag of cat food.
26
00:00:57,892 --> 00:01:00,225
I earned it, I deserve it,
and I'm gonna take it.
27
00:01:00,418 --> 00:01:02,561
Really? Cause it seems like
you're just standing there.
28
00:01:02,754 --> 00:01:05,213
Wow. Wow. Wow.
29
00:01:05,274 --> 00:01:08,642
Heart racing,
finding my courage, and...
30
00:01:08,736 --> 00:01:11,295
Time to take what's mine.
31
00:01:11,313 --> 00:01:13,221
-You're being recorded
by security cameras.
-Good.
32
00:01:13,282 --> 00:01:16,950
Justice should be recorded.
It looks like this.
33
00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:21,121
♪
34
00:01:24,919 --> 00:01:27,160
So I tossed the bag
in the back of my truck,
35
00:01:27,313 --> 00:01:29,404
got in the truck,
realized it wasn't my truck--
36
00:01:29,465 --> 00:01:30,814
which is really problematic
37
00:01:30,833 --> 00:01:32,407
because I took a sip
of the coffee...
38
00:01:32,468 --> 00:01:34,075
-(all groan)
-...got that all sorted out,
39
00:01:34,095 --> 00:01:36,911
and then, when I turned
the key in my truck
40
00:01:36,972 --> 00:01:39,264
to high-tail it out of there,
the perfect getaway song
41
00:01:39,416 --> 00:01:40,841
just happened to be
playing on the radio.
42
00:01:40,935 --> 00:01:43,327
BOTH: Was it "Getaway Car"
by Taylor Swift?
43
00:01:43,387 --> 00:01:44,661
No way. You a Swiftie?
44
00:01:44,721 --> 00:01:46,680
Don't call it that, but yeah.
45
00:01:46,832 --> 00:01:48,273
Anyway, it was
"Bad to the Bone."
46
00:01:48,466 --> 00:01:50,651
-That's much better.
-Uh, debatable.
47
00:01:51,687 --> 00:01:53,353
Kat, you have got to be careful.
48
00:01:53,489 --> 00:01:57,841
The karma gods will make you pay
for what you do not pay for.
49
00:01:57,901 --> 00:02:00,177
Oh, I have no regrets.
Pete is a monster.
50
00:02:00,237 --> 00:02:02,121
He tried to sell me two snakes.
51
00:02:02,314 --> 00:02:03,697
That's how you end up
with a hundred snakes.
52
00:02:03,791 --> 00:02:05,124
I know snake math.
53
00:02:05,317 --> 00:02:06,792
CARTER: CJ keeps bugging me
to get a snake.
54
00:02:06,985 --> 00:02:08,460
But I said, "Not until
you get your grades up.
55
00:02:08,653 --> 00:02:10,629
And then still, no."
56
00:02:10,822 --> 00:02:13,023
-What's up with his grades?
-They're not up.
57
00:02:13,125 --> 00:02:15,025
Here's what it sounds like
when I make him do his homework.
58
00:02:15,085 --> 00:02:17,118
"CJ, stop playing video games
and do your homework."
59
00:02:17,221 --> 00:02:19,546
Then he says, "I want to live
with Mom full-time."
60
00:02:19,698 --> 00:02:22,307
Then I put on some T. Swift
and think about my life.
61
00:02:22,500 --> 00:02:24,309
Wait, Max can help CJ.
62
00:02:24,461 --> 00:02:26,203
I would love to help.
I was voted Teacher of the Year
63
00:02:26,263 --> 00:02:28,538
when I taught in that
remote village in Burma.
64
00:02:28,557 --> 00:02:30,874
I mean, I was the only teacher
on that side of the mountain,
65
00:02:30,934 --> 00:02:33,485
but I still think
I would've gotten it.
66
00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:37,489
Ugh, you guys, Daniel has to
go out of town for work again,
67
00:02:37,682 --> 00:02:39,049
so he can't
help me move in tomorrow.
68
00:02:39,109 --> 00:02:41,309
-Oh...
-And I have to be
out of my place
69
00:02:41,328 --> 00:02:42,828
because I already told
my landlord what I really think
70
00:02:43,021 --> 00:02:44,812
about his plumbing skills
and his biker shorts,
71
00:02:44,874 --> 00:02:46,832
and no, he does not own a bike.
72
00:02:47,025 --> 00:02:49,501
Oh, honey, I wish I could
help you move, but I can't,
73
00:02:49,653 --> 00:02:50,818
and I have a pretty good excuse:
74
00:02:50,921 --> 00:02:53,321
I don't like
to help people move.
75
00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:54,673
CARTER: And I don't think
it would be fair for me
76
00:02:54,824 --> 00:02:55,899
to help you move in
with your boyfriend
77
00:02:55,959 --> 00:02:57,734
when we haven't had our moment.
78
00:02:57,794 --> 00:03:00,053
Yeah, we're never
gonna have a moment.
79
00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:03,164
Randi, look no further.
80
00:03:03,225 --> 00:03:06,426
The answer to your moving
problems is right here.
81
00:03:06,578 --> 00:03:07,911
I've got a truck, a tape gun,
82
00:03:07,971 --> 00:03:10,096
and the calf strength
of a longshoreman.
83
00:03:10,191 --> 00:03:13,174
You're a weird lady. Most people
hate to help people move.
84
00:03:13,194 --> 00:03:15,176
I'd rather get kicked
by a horse.
85
00:03:15,237 --> 00:03:17,154
Yeah, we got that, Phil.
86
00:03:19,858 --> 00:03:21,925
So, Randi,
87
00:03:21,944 --> 00:03:23,443
I don't mean to state
the obvious here,
88
00:03:23,595 --> 00:03:27,355
but a major component of moving
is actually moving,
89
00:03:27,416 --> 00:03:30,450
and I can't help but notice
you're not really moving.
90
00:03:30,602 --> 00:03:33,103
I'm sorry, I just got stuck
looking at these pictures.
91
00:03:33,163 --> 00:03:34,862
I mean, I've seen them before,
92
00:03:34,924 --> 00:03:36,698
I just never asked him
about them.
93
00:03:36,759 --> 00:03:38,608
Like, like,
who are these two dudes?
94
00:03:38,627 --> 00:03:42,295
Uh, well, that's Daniel,
the guy you're moving in with,
95
00:03:42,448 --> 00:03:44,706
and the dude next to him
is Barack Obama.
96
00:03:44,767 --> 00:03:47,634
Well, yeah, I know those two,
but-but what about these two?
97
00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:48,969
And who is that old lady?
98
00:03:49,063 --> 00:03:50,954
And what about this canoe?
99
00:03:50,973 --> 00:03:53,381
Like, does Daniel own a canoe
or did he rent the canoe?
100
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:55,067
What's up with the canoe, Kat?
101
00:03:55,260 --> 00:03:58,237
So, uh, first of all,
that's a kayak.
102
00:03:58,388 --> 00:03:59,813
And I'm sure that is not
the most important thing
103
00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:01,648
for me to be pointing out
right now,
104
00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:03,817
but, you know, I think you're
just freaking out a little
105
00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:05,652
because this is
a really big step for you.
106
00:04:05,788 --> 00:04:08,488
I know, it's just hitting me
that I've only known Daniel
107
00:04:08,624 --> 00:04:09,939
for six months
and there's so much
108
00:04:09,941 --> 00:04:11,250
I still don't know about him.
109
00:04:11,418 --> 00:04:13,159
Have you ever lived
with anyone before?
110
00:04:13,254 --> 00:04:16,237
Well, just roommates. And I did
end up kissing one of them.
111
00:04:16,298 --> 00:04:18,406
And then she got all
Single White Female on me
112
00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:20,592
and I had to move out,
cut my hair, change my phone.
113
00:04:20,744 --> 00:04:21,909
It was a whole thing.
114
00:04:21,971 --> 00:04:24,245
Well, has Daniel
ever lived with anybody?
115
00:04:24,306 --> 00:04:25,822
Oh, I don't think so.
116
00:04:25,924 --> 00:04:27,157
He told me I was
the first person
117
00:04:27,175 --> 00:04:28,842
that he sees a real future with.
118
00:04:28,994 --> 00:04:31,328
Which is also what Single
White Female used to tell me,
119
00:04:31,346 --> 00:04:33,772
so maybe I'm just
a really great kisser.
120
00:04:33,965 --> 00:04:35,181
(phone chimes)
121
00:04:35,334 --> 00:04:37,000
Oh. It's Oscar.
122
00:04:37,060 --> 00:04:39,611
He sent me another picture
of himself without a shirt on.
123
00:04:39,763 --> 00:04:42,022
He wants me to send him
a sexy picture of me.
124
00:04:42,116 --> 00:04:44,007
Should I send him
my professor headshot?
125
00:04:44,026 --> 00:04:47,786
Uh, no, girl. I don't think
that's what he means by sexy.
126
00:04:47,937 --> 00:04:50,697
Well, I'm wearing glasses.
It has a certain something.
127
00:04:50,833 --> 00:04:53,199
Just send him a quick nip pic.
I'll look away.
128
00:04:53,294 --> 00:04:55,794
Wh-- I can't do that.
I can't even say that.
129
00:04:55,987 --> 00:04:58,688
Come on,
that is Old Kat talking.
130
00:04:58,790 --> 00:05:00,357
New Kat robbed a pet store.
131
00:05:00,459 --> 00:05:04,027
New Kat isn't afraid
to send a nip pic.
132
00:05:04,087 --> 00:05:06,972
You know what? You're right.
133
00:05:07,165 --> 00:05:10,033
New Kat is gonna step
outside her comfort zone.
134
00:05:10,093 --> 00:05:13,053
-Okay.
-New Kat is gonna blow his mind.
135
00:05:13,147 --> 00:05:15,129
-Right?
-New Kat is gonna do that
136
00:05:15,190 --> 00:05:16,873
by showing one boob
through the bra
137
00:05:16,933 --> 00:05:18,542
-'cause it's just
her first time.
-(laughs)
138
00:05:18,602 --> 00:05:19,893
Now you're talking.
139
00:05:20,045 --> 00:05:21,320
Just make sure you use
the bigger one.
140
00:05:21,471 --> 00:05:22,970
Wait-- How do you know
I have a bigger one?
141
00:05:23,032 --> 00:05:24,823
We all have a bigger one.
142
00:05:25,016 --> 00:05:26,616
It's your right one.
143
00:05:31,114 --> 00:05:33,648
Oh... Oh.
144
00:05:33,709 --> 00:05:35,000
Oh.
145
00:05:36,562 --> 00:05:40,255
Well, that is a lot more
alarming than a canoe.
146
00:05:45,888 --> 00:05:47,237
I mean, Randi started
spinning out
147
00:05:47,255 --> 00:05:48,905
from a picture of Daniel
in a kayak.
148
00:05:48,924 --> 00:05:50,590
I don't think she'll take
very kindly to one of him
149
00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,500
-kissing a mystery bride.
-Hmm.
150
00:05:52,561 --> 00:05:55,378
You were right to come to me.
151
00:05:55,380 --> 00:05:56,855
Who else have you told?
152
00:05:57,006 --> 00:06:00,341
Just you and Buttons here,
my emotional support cat.
153
00:06:00,361 --> 00:06:03,010
I use her a lot when I get off
the phone with you.
154
00:06:03,072 --> 00:06:05,255
I told you to get
your own membership
155
00:06:05,315 --> 00:06:06,365
to FindHisBackground.com.
156
00:06:06,516 --> 00:06:07,757
It's very handy.
157
00:06:07,818 --> 00:06:09,183
You know, my neighbor,
to the east?
158
00:06:09,286 --> 00:06:11,686
Been arrested twice
for petty theft.
159
00:06:11,822 --> 00:06:14,039
That's why I won't put out
lawn ornaments.
160
00:06:15,084 --> 00:06:16,541
Well, you missed
your calling, Mother.
161
00:06:16,693 --> 00:06:18,526
You should have been in the CIA.
162
00:06:18,587 --> 00:06:20,420
How do you know I'm not?
163
00:06:21,698 --> 00:06:22,956
Because you've never
worn an outfit
164
00:06:23,092 --> 00:06:26,960
that blended into anything
or anywhere.
165
00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:29,796
Maybe Randi knows Daniel
was married before.
166
00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:32,282
You said he's a bit older
than her.
167
00:06:32,300 --> 00:06:33,617
No, I don't think so.
168
00:06:33,677 --> 00:06:34,709
He told her she was
the first person
169
00:06:34,770 --> 00:06:36,269
he could see a future with.
170
00:06:36,421 --> 00:06:38,563
Okay, so he's a liar.
171
00:06:38,756 --> 00:06:42,049
Or there's another explanation
we haven't even thought of.
172
00:06:42,152 --> 00:06:43,402
Yeah-- Maybe I should
just let this go.
173
00:06:43,595 --> 00:06:45,070
Not so fast.
174
00:06:45,221 --> 00:06:46,980
Katharine,
he could be a polygamist.
175
00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:49,983
I mean, if Randi's gonna be
a sister wife, she should know,
176
00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:52,560
and more importantly,
what number she'll be.
177
00:06:52,663 --> 00:06:54,746
You do not want
to be number five.
178
00:06:54,939 --> 00:06:58,250
All right.
Now, what's Daniel's last name?
179
00:06:58,419 --> 00:07:00,735
(sighs)
Waxmore.
180
00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:03,422
There's no turning back
now, Buttons.
181
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:04,965
Hold me.
182
00:07:07,302 --> 00:07:10,095
What's up, big-ass hobbit?
Have you seen Max?
183
00:07:10,288 --> 00:07:11,930
(hobbit voice):
Oh, Max left the Shire.
184
00:07:12,123 --> 00:07:13,823
He's on a great quest.
185
00:07:13,842 --> 00:07:15,434
Might I be of help?
186
00:07:15,627 --> 00:07:17,510
Don't do that. That's creepy.
187
00:07:17,663 --> 00:07:18,937
Do what?
188
00:07:19,088 --> 00:07:20,272
(regular voice):
I got these when I was reading
189
00:07:20,423 --> 00:07:21,389
Lord of the Rings
with my students.
190
00:07:21,483 --> 00:07:22,832
Found my old teaching bag.
191
00:07:22,893 --> 00:07:25,018
Got some
reward stickers in here.
192
00:07:25,154 --> 00:07:26,836
Got-- ooh, my big red
praise button.
193
00:07:27,731 --> 00:07:29,172
WOMAN (over device):
Nice job.
194
00:07:29,191 --> 00:07:30,690
You're awesome.
195
00:07:30,842 --> 00:07:32,842
I wouldn't mind if that button
was my next wife.
196
00:07:32,903 --> 00:07:34,268
-(laughs): Yeah.
-Hey.
197
00:07:34,288 --> 00:07:35,512
Thanks again for doing this,
by the way.
198
00:07:35,572 --> 00:07:36,455
Oh, no problem.
199
00:07:36,648 --> 00:07:38,531
I'm getting excited to tutor CJ.
200
00:07:38,684 --> 00:07:40,441
Well, that makes one of you.
201
00:07:40,461 --> 00:07:42,276
He said he doesn't need school
to become a professional gamer.
202
00:07:42,296 --> 00:07:43,628
He's actually right.
Some of them make
203
00:07:43,821 --> 00:07:44,796
millions of dollars a year.
204
00:07:44,989 --> 00:07:46,447
Whose side are you on, man?
205
00:07:46,467 --> 00:07:48,858
(hobbit voice):
Hobbits don't take sides.
206
00:07:48,919 --> 00:07:51,720
But we do take second breakfast.
207
00:07:54,016 --> 00:07:56,700
Hey, honey, let's get kinky
in the bedroom.
208
00:07:56,760 --> 00:07:57,884
WOMAN (over device):
Great idea.
209
00:07:57,978 --> 00:07:59,728
I'm-a put a ring on her finger.
210
00:08:02,799 --> 00:08:05,299
Phil, is Randi in?
And if she is,
211
00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:08,211
did she seem like she might be
open to earth-shattering news?
212
00:08:08,271 --> 00:08:10,822
She's not here yet.
What's wrong?
213
00:08:10,974 --> 00:08:12,549
I can't say.
It's very, very personal.
214
00:08:12,609 --> 00:08:15,068
I discovered that her boyfriend
was officially married
215
00:08:15,220 --> 00:08:17,645
when he was 22 and there's
no record of divorce.
216
00:08:17,706 --> 00:08:20,223
Oh, no. Oh, no.
217
00:08:20,283 --> 00:08:21,725
He's gonna kill her.
218
00:08:21,785 --> 00:08:23,484
What? No.
219
00:08:23,504 --> 00:08:25,337
I didn't discover
that he's a murderer.
220
00:08:25,488 --> 00:08:26,821
Yet.
221
00:08:26,924 --> 00:08:30,324
But once you start lying
and having affairs,
222
00:08:30,385 --> 00:08:31,993
it's a slippery slope
223
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:35,088
to stuffing somebody
in a barrel full of acid.
224
00:08:35,224 --> 00:08:36,923
RANDI:
Hello, hello, hello.
225
00:08:37,059 --> 00:08:39,926
Oh, hi. Wow, you look so...
226
00:08:40,078 --> 00:08:41,578
-happy and vibrant.
-Well, that's because
227
00:08:41,596 --> 00:08:44,097
this morning, Daniel brought
me breakfast in bed
228
00:08:44,249 --> 00:08:47,008
and he gave me a massage
and ran me a hot bath.
229
00:08:47,069 --> 00:08:49,677
So basically, I have been
grubbed, rubbed and scrubbed.
230
00:08:49,738 --> 00:08:51,345
(Kat chuckles)
231
00:08:51,448 --> 00:08:53,256
You know, I'm a tub person, too.
232
00:08:53,358 --> 00:08:57,277
People like their showers,
but I like my tubs.
233
00:08:57,371 --> 00:09:00,613
Anyway, I really need
to use our facilities,
234
00:09:00,766 --> 00:09:02,448
because I haven't figured
out the bathroom acoustics
235
00:09:02,543 --> 00:09:05,526
at my new place yet
and I got a little potty shy.
236
00:09:05,546 --> 00:09:06,953
(chuckles)
237
00:09:07,089 --> 00:09:10,123
Um, here's that popcorn salt
you asked for.
238
00:09:10,259 --> 00:09:11,791
Oh, thank you. I don't know
when they're gonna allow me
239
00:09:11,927 --> 00:09:14,127
back in that store.
240
00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:17,872
I swear I thought
that woman was choking.
241
00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:20,800
So, what are you gonna do
about Randi?
242
00:09:20,952 --> 00:09:22,302
Well, I am not gonna tell her.
243
00:09:22,396 --> 00:09:24,637
What do you mean,
you're not gonna tell her?
244
00:09:24,790 --> 00:09:26,380
You didn't let me finish.
245
00:09:26,441 --> 00:09:28,733
Yes, I did. Your inflection
definitely implied
246
00:09:28,885 --> 00:09:30,051
that you were done.
247
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,811
Well, I intended it
as an ellipsis.
248
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:36,057
I'm not gonna tell her--
dot, dot, dot--
249
00:09:36,118 --> 00:09:37,650
just yet.
250
00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:42,080
But you have to tell her
because I cannot keep secrets.
251
00:09:42,231 --> 00:09:45,399
When my brother Larry Bo told me
that he stole that heifer,
252
00:09:45,419 --> 00:09:46,826
he swore me to silence.
253
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,661
But the police knocked
on the door.
254
00:09:48,797 --> 00:09:51,164
I said, "Larry Bo did it.
It was him.
255
00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:53,908
-It was Larry Bo."
-Did they arrest him?
256
00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:55,835
Yes, ma'am, they did.
But you know what?
257
00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:59,246
He found God in prison,
and now my mama likes to say,
258
00:09:59,308 --> 00:10:02,325
"I wish the rest of y'all
were more like Larry Bo."
259
00:10:02,385 --> 00:10:04,418
Ooh. Pisses me off.
260
00:10:04,479 --> 00:10:08,106
Well, I will tell Randi
when the moment is right.
261
00:10:08,299 --> 00:10:09,999
And I'm not exactly sure
when that moment will be.
262
00:10:10,018 --> 00:10:11,610
Might be today,
might be tomorrow,
263
00:10:11,761 --> 00:10:13,519
might be on a long car ride
after she's fallen asleep.
264
00:10:13,614 --> 00:10:14,613
RANDI:
Ah, much better.
265
00:10:14,806 --> 00:10:16,615
How you doing today, Phil?
266
00:10:16,808 --> 00:10:18,783
-Daniel's been married!
-Phil!
267
00:10:18,976 --> 00:10:22,011
I'm sorry,
it came out like a sneeze.
268
00:10:22,789 --> 00:10:24,789
Wait, what is he talking about?
269
00:10:24,982 --> 00:10:26,273
Uh, when I was helping you move
at Daniel's,
270
00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:29,044
I-I accidentally knocked
a book down and...
271
00:10:29,913 --> 00:10:31,421
...found this.
272
00:10:32,791 --> 00:10:34,691
What the hell?
273
00:10:34,709 --> 00:10:36,117
He never said he was married.
274
00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:38,285
I know, so I did
some research with my mom
275
00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:40,864
and he does have a marriage
certificate on record.
276
00:10:40,924 --> 00:10:43,141
He also has great credit,
so, you know,
277
00:10:43,292 --> 00:10:44,976
good points, bad points.
278
00:10:45,169 --> 00:10:49,539
Wait, so you told your mother
and Phil about this before me?
279
00:10:49,599 --> 00:10:51,775
And I heard snippets of it.
280
00:10:53,678 --> 00:10:55,987
I-I just didn't want to add
more stress to your life.
281
00:10:56,156 --> 00:10:57,881
Well, do you know
what would be less stressful?
282
00:10:57,941 --> 00:11:00,383
You not snooping
through my boyfriend's stuff.
283
00:11:00,485 --> 00:11:02,327
Hey, I wasn't snooping.
I really wish
284
00:11:02,537 --> 00:11:03,995
I hadn't stumbled
on that picture.
285
00:11:04,188 --> 00:11:05,980
It's been really stressful
for me, too.
286
00:11:06,041 --> 00:11:07,832
Oh, so I'm supposed
to feel sorry for you now?
287
00:11:08,025 --> 00:11:09,316
Hey, why are you mad at me?
288
00:11:09,419 --> 00:11:11,244
I mean, shouldn't you be
upset with Daniel?
289
00:11:11,396 --> 00:11:13,487
Oh, I can be upset with more
than one person at a time.
290
00:11:13,548 --> 00:11:15,423
It's a special skill I have.
291
00:11:17,219 --> 00:11:19,844
I told you that the universe
would seek its revenge
292
00:11:20,037 --> 00:11:21,738
after you stole that cat food.
293
00:11:21,798 --> 00:11:25,600
That was one heck
of a karmic bitch slap.
294
00:11:26,895 --> 00:11:28,745
This is not an admission
of guilt, Pete.
295
00:11:28,805 --> 00:11:30,747
I am returning this to remind
the universe
296
00:11:30,807 --> 00:11:32,673
what a good person I am,
so that the universe
297
00:11:32,734 --> 00:11:35,068
will remind my friend.
298
00:11:40,016 --> 00:11:42,075
That'll be $23.99.
299
00:11:50,936 --> 00:11:54,195
Hey, CJ. How's it going?
300
00:11:54,330 --> 00:11:56,631
Have you gotten taller
since I saw you last?
301
00:11:58,001 --> 00:12:01,461
Me, I'm great.
Got bit by a spider.
302
00:12:01,555 --> 00:12:03,680
Now I have superpowers.
303
00:12:04,725 --> 00:12:06,707
Probably use them for good.
304
00:12:06,727 --> 00:12:08,451
Maybe not.
305
00:12:08,511 --> 00:12:09,853
(phone chimes)
306
00:12:11,122 --> 00:12:12,379
Hello?
307
00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:14,399
Dude, pay attention
to the real world.
308
00:12:14,592 --> 00:12:15,808
CARTER:
CJ,
309
00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:17,218
how did you get your phone back?
310
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:20,387
I took his phone
and hid it in my sock.
311
00:12:20,490 --> 00:12:22,648
And he replaced it
with a deck of cards.
312
00:12:22,743 --> 00:12:24,558
Ta-da.
313
00:12:24,619 --> 00:12:27,320
(chuckles)
I got it.
314
00:12:27,472 --> 00:12:29,748
-What are you playing?
-Island Hoppers.
315
00:12:29,941 --> 00:12:32,066
Oh. I love that game.
316
00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:34,919
I just paved one of my streets
with gold.
317
00:12:35,112 --> 00:12:37,922
No way. How did you do that?
318
00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:40,574
Have a lot of free time
for a man my age.
319
00:12:40,594 --> 00:12:42,335
All right, tell you what.
320
00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:44,487
Why don't you put your phone
down, you give me 30 minutes,
321
00:12:44,506 --> 00:12:46,431
and then I'll invite you over
to my island to go fishing.
322
00:12:46,624 --> 00:12:49,100
-Cool?
-Okay.
323
00:12:49,293 --> 00:12:50,918
All right, so let me see
your homework.
324
00:12:50,979 --> 00:12:52,103
(sniffs)
325
00:12:53,965 --> 00:12:55,899
Awesome filing system.
326
00:12:57,727 --> 00:13:00,612
Ooh-- smells like chocolate.
327
00:13:00,763 --> 00:13:02,614
Ah, and there's the chocolate.
328
00:13:02,807 --> 00:13:04,574
(both chuckle)
329
00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:09,028
So, as I was leaving the pet
store, I got a text from Randi,
330
00:13:09,180 --> 00:13:10,955
and I thought it was the
karma gods answering my prayers.
331
00:13:11,148 --> 00:13:13,607
But she just said, "I need you
to give me some space."
332
00:13:13,627 --> 00:13:15,018
Like, what do you think
that means?
333
00:13:15,119 --> 00:13:17,203
I think it means
she might want some space.
334
00:13:17,355 --> 00:13:19,205
But then she said, "I'm not
coming in to work tomorrow."
335
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:20,781
Like, what do you think
that means?
336
00:13:20,801 --> 00:13:22,300
Ooh, that one's harder.
337
00:13:22,493 --> 00:13:25,470
I'm not good
at giving people their space.
338
00:13:25,621 --> 00:13:27,380
You know, my instinct is to just
casually show up at her door
339
00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:30,141
and, when she answers it,
handcuff myself to her.
340
00:13:30,293 --> 00:13:32,869
-You have handcuffs?
-(chuckles): Yeah,
I have handcuffs.
341
00:13:32,887 --> 00:13:35,038
They came with my magic kit.
342
00:13:35,098 --> 00:13:37,482
Interesting. What else
don't I know about you?
343
00:13:37,633 --> 00:13:38,817
I think the real question is,
344
00:13:38,968 --> 00:13:40,318
what don't I know about you?
345
00:13:40,511 --> 00:13:42,469
I mean, have you ever had
a secret marriage?
346
00:13:42,489 --> 00:13:43,822
No. But,
347
00:13:44,015 --> 00:13:46,324
cards on the table,
I was arrested once.
348
00:13:46,475 --> 00:13:47,884
Tell me more.
349
00:13:47,986 --> 00:13:50,644
Am I dating a bad boy?
A menace to society?
350
00:13:50,705 --> 00:13:52,146
I did about 35 minutes
in mall jail once
351
00:13:52,207 --> 00:13:54,557
for swiping pennies
from the fountain.
352
00:13:54,617 --> 00:13:56,334
Those are people's wishes.
353
00:13:56,527 --> 00:13:58,728
-I'm not proud.
-(laughs)
354
00:13:58,788 --> 00:14:00,730
What about you? Any secrets?
355
00:14:00,790 --> 00:14:02,656
Well,
356
00:14:02,717 --> 00:14:04,676
I took a somewhat risqué picture
for you,
357
00:14:04,869 --> 00:14:05,993
and I-I never sent it.
358
00:14:06,012 --> 00:14:07,661
What? Why don't you send it?
359
00:14:07,722 --> 00:14:10,089
I just got distracted
by the Randi stuff.
360
00:14:10,241 --> 00:14:11,832
And, like,
maybe I'm a little shy.
361
00:14:11,893 --> 00:14:13,834
-Send it to me. Please?
-Oh.
362
00:14:13,854 --> 00:14:15,761
(sputters)
Okay.
363
00:14:15,856 --> 00:14:16,837
(phone chimes)
364
00:14:16,898 --> 00:14:18,414
(chuckles):
Oh!
365
00:14:18,433 --> 00:14:20,507
Max sent me a picture
of Carter's kid.
366
00:14:20,569 --> 00:14:22,026
Oh, he looks just like Carter.
367
00:14:22,178 --> 00:14:23,419
Will you stop stalling?
I have to drive around
368
00:14:23,438 --> 00:14:24,937
and deliver packages
for 12 hours.
369
00:14:25,031 --> 00:14:26,589
I need that picture
to get me through my shift.
370
00:14:26,608 --> 00:14:28,441
Okay, okay. I'll just...
371
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:30,426
I'm gonna do it from over here.
I'm still feeling a little shy,
372
00:14:30,445 --> 00:14:31,685
so I'll just...
I'll be over here.
373
00:14:31,788 --> 00:14:33,246
Just down here.
374
00:14:35,083 --> 00:14:38,376
Okay, it sent.
(squeals)
375
00:14:38,527 --> 00:14:40,620
So?
376
00:14:40,755 --> 00:14:42,271
Speechless?
377
00:14:42,332 --> 00:14:44,382
That could be a good thing
or a bad thing.
378
00:14:44,533 --> 00:14:45,791
Which is it, good or bad?
379
00:14:45,886 --> 00:14:47,701
Neither.
I just haven't gotten it yet.
380
00:14:47,762 --> 00:14:49,629
Oh. That's weird.
381
00:14:49,723 --> 00:14:51,797
Maybe it's taking a minute
to load
382
00:14:51,892 --> 00:14:54,375
'cause the Internet
can't believe what it's seeing.
383
00:14:54,436 --> 00:14:55,801
-(chuckles) Okay.
-Ooh!
384
00:14:55,896 --> 00:14:57,228
I'll just resend it.
385
00:14:57,421 --> 00:14:58,304
Did you get it?
386
00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:00,456
No.
387
00:15:00,516 --> 00:15:02,141
How about now?
388
00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:04,068
Nope.
389
00:15:04,220 --> 00:15:07,647
"...continued growth
of the electric car industry."
390
00:15:07,741 --> 00:15:10,241
Very good. And fun fact,
391
00:15:10,434 --> 00:15:11,817
before Tesla was a car,
392
00:15:11,970 --> 00:15:13,653
he was a dude
who invented a lot of cool stuff
393
00:15:13,788 --> 00:15:16,063
and had
a very sharp-looking mustache.
394
00:15:16,124 --> 00:15:18,157
-Really?
-Yep. Here, take a look.
395
00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:19,751
(phone chimes)
396
00:15:19,944 --> 00:15:21,085
That's not a guy.
397
00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:23,813
That's a lady with no shirt on.
398
00:15:23,831 --> 00:15:24,997
-Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.
-(chuckles)
399
00:15:25,091 --> 00:15:27,667
Do not look at your phone!
400
00:15:27,819 --> 00:15:28,818
I saw it.
401
00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:30,411
Actually, we saw it.
402
00:15:30,472 --> 00:15:32,096
Hi there.
403
00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:35,541
Hello.
404
00:15:36,494 --> 00:15:39,437
-Honey,
that's hardly pornographic.
-Okay, thank you.
405
00:15:39,588 --> 00:15:40,921
I feel so much better.
406
00:15:40,982 --> 00:15:42,682
That bra you got on
gives you more coverage
407
00:15:42,817 --> 00:15:45,851
than my mama's
old bathing costume.
408
00:15:45,946 --> 00:15:47,520
-Okay, well,
that was my sexy bra.
-I remember
409
00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:49,447
it had snaps in the crotch
410
00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:52,075
so she could go to the outhouse.
411
00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:54,953
-Hey.
-Hi. So,
412
00:15:55,146 --> 00:15:57,121
obviously, that picture
was meant for Oscar.
413
00:15:57,273 --> 00:15:59,548
-Yeah, I figured. Lucky guy.
-(chuckles)
414
00:15:59,617 --> 00:16:01,350
Thanks. Did you think
415
00:16:01,369 --> 00:16:02,852
it looked like I was wearing
a vintage bathing costume?
416
00:16:02,912 --> 00:16:04,128
Because I have one of those,
417
00:16:04,321 --> 00:16:05,713
and it's completely different,
Phil.
418
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:09,783
No, you looked great. But that
picture wasn't meant for me,
419
00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:12,195
-so that's all
I'm gonna say about that.
-(chuckles)
420
00:16:12,296 --> 00:16:13,454
And hopefully
Oscar finally got one,
421
00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:14,880
because I got ten of them.
422
00:16:15,033 --> 00:16:16,882
Yeah, I kept trying
to resend it to Oscar.
423
00:16:17,035 --> 00:16:19,477
-Yeah, I figured that out
around picture eight.
-(chuckles)
424
00:16:19,670 --> 00:16:21,962
Does Carter hate me now
'cause I traumatized his son?
425
00:16:21,982 --> 00:16:26,150
No, he said you got CJ finally
interested in learning again.
426
00:16:26,302 --> 00:16:27,801
Actually,
427
00:16:27,862 --> 00:16:30,213
I came over to thank you
for volunteering me to help him.
428
00:16:30,273 --> 00:16:33,992
It just reminded me
of how much I love teaching.
429
00:16:34,143 --> 00:16:36,052
(hobbit voice):
Did you use your hobbit voice?
430
00:16:36,154 --> 00:16:39,388
(hobbit voice):
Not with CJ. He wasn't ready.
431
00:16:39,490 --> 00:16:41,557
(normal voice):
Well, you're welcome.
432
00:16:41,576 --> 00:16:42,725
(normal voice):
Oh, by the way, I heard
433
00:16:42,785 --> 00:16:43,668
about what happened with Randi.
434
00:16:43,861 --> 00:16:45,061
You did? How?
435
00:16:45,079 --> 00:16:46,562
Well, after she stormed
out of here,
436
00:16:46,581 --> 00:16:47,988
she came over to the bar,
took three shots,
437
00:16:48,049 --> 00:16:50,583
-and called you a few names.
-Oh.
438
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:51,917
Yeah, she's pretty mad.
439
00:16:52,053 --> 00:16:53,827
I'm just trying
to give her her space.
440
00:16:53,847 --> 00:16:55,571
Well, that's not you.
You're more
441
00:16:55,631 --> 00:16:57,256
of a "chase them down,
push them into a snowbank,
442
00:16:57,350 --> 00:16:59,500
and sit on them until
they talk about it" person.
443
00:16:59,561 --> 00:17:02,094
I only did that because
you weren't answering my calls
444
00:17:02,247 --> 00:17:03,929
about going to see
Celtic Thunder.
445
00:17:04,024 --> 00:17:06,107
My silence was the answer.
446
00:17:08,570 --> 00:17:10,770
Randi?
447
00:17:10,864 --> 00:17:12,588
Randi, open the door.
448
00:17:12,690 --> 00:17:14,257
I've given you enough space.
449
00:17:14,275 --> 00:17:15,849
I cannot believe
450
00:17:15,869 --> 00:17:18,778
you brought me here.
You know I'm conflict-averse.
451
00:17:18,872 --> 00:17:20,354
My barber has been
452
00:17:20,457 --> 00:17:22,540
calling me Jethro for 20 years.
453
00:17:22,691 --> 00:17:24,358
I just answer to it.
454
00:17:24,419 --> 00:17:27,119
Well, she'll yell at me less
if you're here
455
00:17:27,272 --> 00:17:28,695
because you have
resting sad face.
456
00:17:28,757 --> 00:17:29,955
Plus,
457
00:17:30,091 --> 00:17:31,624
you owe me
for spilling the beans.
458
00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:32,942
You put the beans in my mouth.
459
00:17:33,002 --> 00:17:34,402
You know I can't hold my beans.
460
00:17:34,404 --> 00:17:38,205
I'm not leaving here
without talking to you.
461
00:17:38,308 --> 00:17:40,616
Oh, I see your window
462
00:17:40,635 --> 00:17:42,118
is open a little bit.
463
00:17:42,178 --> 00:17:43,877
I think I'm just gonna
stick my head in here.
464
00:17:43,938 --> 00:17:45,638
Maybe we can talk that way.
465
00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:47,548
Come on, Phil. We're going in.
466
00:17:47,609 --> 00:17:48,900
Oh, Lord.
467
00:17:49,093 --> 00:17:50,476
I'm gonna be sharing
a prison cell
468
00:17:50,612 --> 00:17:52,478
with Larry Bo soon enough.
469
00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:53,979
(scoffs)
470
00:17:54,966 --> 00:17:56,816
-(screams)
-Oh! Oh, Phil!
471
00:17:56,910 --> 00:17:58,317
Help. Phil. Oh.
472
00:17:58,453 --> 00:18:00,820
(both grunting)
473
00:18:00,972 --> 00:18:02,154
Oh, Lord.
474
00:18:02,248 --> 00:18:04,565
I haven't been
between a woman's legs
475
00:18:04,626 --> 00:18:06,751
since the day I was born.
476
00:18:06,944 --> 00:18:10,838
It's like working a wheelbarrow.
477
00:18:11,833 --> 00:18:13,073
-(phone rings)
-Oh!
478
00:18:13,134 --> 00:18:15,093
That's my phone.
Can you grab it?
479
00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:20,156
-It's Randi.
-Oh, answer it.
480
00:18:20,258 --> 00:18:21,507
Hello?
481
00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,434
Oh, hi, Randi. It's Phil.
482
00:18:23,586 --> 00:18:25,828
I'm with Kat. Where are you?
483
00:18:25,888 --> 00:18:28,681
She's at your place.
It sounds like she's crying.
484
00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:31,000
Oh, no. Uh, tell her
I'll be right there.
485
00:18:31,060 --> 00:18:34,019
Randi, honey?
She'll be right there.
486
00:18:34,114 --> 00:18:36,263
Oh, and this may cheer you up.
487
00:18:36,282 --> 00:18:38,674
I just had my first
heterosexual experience.
488
00:18:38,734 --> 00:18:40,076
(Kat scoffs)
489
00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:46,457
So, does that mean
you're breaking up?
490
00:18:46,609 --> 00:18:48,184
I think so.
491
00:18:48,244 --> 00:18:50,128
And it's not even
because he was married.
492
00:18:50,296 --> 00:18:52,188
He said
she was his college girlfriend
493
00:18:52,248 --> 00:18:54,707
and they got hitched
at one of those 24-hour places
494
00:18:54,859 --> 00:18:56,134
at the last minute.
495
00:18:56,285 --> 00:18:58,027
Hmm. She was wearing
an awfully fancy dress
496
00:18:58,087 --> 00:18:59,303
for a last-minute wedding.
497
00:18:59,496 --> 00:19:00,454
It came with the package,
498
00:19:00,557 --> 00:19:02,214
and it was Velcro'd up the back.
499
00:19:02,308 --> 00:19:03,549
Velcro is amazing.
500
00:19:03,643 --> 00:19:05,384
Why do we use anything else?
501
00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:08,479
Anyway, they got it annulled
after a month.
502
00:19:08,672 --> 00:19:12,208
Records of annulment are not
kept on file by the state
503
00:19:12,268 --> 00:19:16,061
or on FindHisBackground.com,
apparently.
504
00:19:16,156 --> 00:19:18,047
And all of that
I could have been okay with.
505
00:19:18,107 --> 00:19:19,882
But what I wasn't okay with
506
00:19:19,901 --> 00:19:21,642
was him telling me
that I was overreacting
507
00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:22,994
and that I needed
508
00:19:23,187 --> 00:19:25,145
to calm down
and-and not worry so much.
509
00:19:25,206 --> 00:19:27,814
And then suddenly,
I start seeing an entire future
510
00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:29,149
of him telling me how to feel,
511
00:19:29,210 --> 00:19:31,002
and no one
tells Randi how to feel.
512
00:19:31,153 --> 00:19:33,229
Have I ever told you
how to feel?
513
00:19:33,289 --> 00:19:35,989
-A couple times.
-I won't do it again.
514
00:19:36,009 --> 00:19:38,509
But there is one thing
that I do need you to do.
515
00:19:38,702 --> 00:19:40,327
If you ever have a problem
with me
516
00:19:40,346 --> 00:19:41,995
or find out something about me,
517
00:19:42,056 --> 00:19:43,906
you come to me first.
518
00:19:43,925 --> 00:19:45,666
That's girl code.
519
00:19:45,727 --> 00:19:47,501
You're right. I'm sorry.
520
00:19:47,562 --> 00:19:50,763
And I'm not gonna lie,
I love that we have a code.
521
00:19:50,857 --> 00:19:52,281
(both chuckle)
522
00:19:52,283 --> 00:19:53,916
You can stay here
as long as you need to.
523
00:19:54,018 --> 00:19:56,252
We can hang out after work,
booze it up.
524
00:19:56,270 --> 00:19:58,845
We can share each other's jeans
like that movie. (chuckles)
525
00:19:58,907 --> 00:20:00,439
(chuckles):
You are so weird.
526
00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:02,591
But I owe you.
527
00:20:02,652 --> 00:20:04,685
I love you, too.
528
00:20:04,787 --> 00:20:06,762
I-I said I owe you.
529
00:20:06,822 --> 00:20:08,855
(laughs): Oh, I'm sorry,
I didn't hear you.
530
00:20:08,917 --> 00:20:10,599
I owe you, too.
531
00:20:10,618 --> 00:20:12,234
Oh, geez, you're gonna go
532
00:20:12,253 --> 00:20:13,953
all Single White Female on me,
aren't you?
533
00:20:14,047 --> 00:20:15,621
(laughs)
534
00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:17,364
(mutters)
535
00:20:18,218 --> 00:20:20,885
Here's the deal, Pete.
My girl Kat
536
00:20:21,036 --> 00:20:22,962
went through all the trouble
of collecting 20 receipts
537
00:20:23,056 --> 00:20:24,964
in a fanny pack
that she made herself.
538
00:20:25,116 --> 00:20:26,724
Pretty proud of that pack, Pete.
539
00:20:26,917 --> 00:20:29,227
And then you up and cancel
the loyalty program
540
00:20:29,378 --> 00:20:31,470
out of nowhere, which was
really upsetting for her.
541
00:20:31,564 --> 00:20:32,879
I lost sleep, Pete.
542
00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:34,790
RANDI:
And when my friend is upset,
543
00:20:34,809 --> 00:20:37,309
I get upset. So let me tell you
what's gonna happen, Pete.
544
00:20:37,462 --> 00:20:40,721
Kat is gonna take that bag
of cat food that you owe her,
545
00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:42,481
and in return,
I am gonna give you
546
00:20:42,575 --> 00:20:43,908
a punch card to our café.
547
00:20:44,101 --> 00:20:46,410
After ten punches,
you get a free coffee.
548
00:20:46,603 --> 00:20:49,029
And do you know why, Pete?
549
00:20:49,123 --> 00:20:50,990
Because we keep
our promises, Pete.
550
00:20:51,084 --> 00:20:52,416
Mm-hmm.
551
00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:53,918
KAT:
So, here we go,
552
00:20:54,087 --> 00:20:55,811
taking what is owed to us.
553
00:20:55,830 --> 00:20:57,088
And if I was you,
554
00:20:57,257 --> 00:20:58,664
I would stay
behind that counter, Pete.
555
00:20:58,758 --> 00:20:59,832
I learned how
to whup a little ass
556
00:20:59,926 --> 00:21:01,425
in my cardio boot camp.
557
00:21:01,618 --> 00:21:03,052
Oh!
558
00:21:06,808 --> 00:21:08,599
We meant that, Pete.
559
00:21:08,792 --> 00:21:11,227
("Bad to the Bone" playing)
560
00:21:30,681 --> 00:21:32,540
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