1 00:00:03,372 --> 00:00:06,462 Hey, Pete. Guess what I have. 2 00:00:06,505 --> 00:00:08,768 Uh, an upbeat attitude that secretly annoys me? 3 00:00:08,812 --> 00:00:11,119 Not so secret anymore. [laughs] 4 00:00:11,162 --> 00:00:14,078 I have receipts. 5 00:00:14,122 --> 00:00:15,514 20 of them in fact. 6 00:00:15,558 --> 00:00:17,429 And per your Pet Perks loyalty program, 7 00:00:17,473 --> 00:00:20,171 I would like to redeem them for my free bag of cat food. 8 00:00:20,215 --> 00:00:21,216 [exclaims] Sorry, my hands are shaking. 9 00:00:21,259 --> 00:00:22,739 It's kind of a big day. 10 00:00:22,782 --> 00:00:25,133 Oh, yeah, um, that promotion is over. 11 00:00:25,176 --> 00:00:27,004 What are you talking about? 12 00:00:27,048 --> 00:00:29,093 The promotion and how it's over. 13 00:00:29,137 --> 00:00:31,313 It takes a long time to amass 20 receipts. 14 00:00:31,356 --> 00:00:32,749 Uh-- We have a new promotion. 15 00:00:32,792 --> 00:00:34,968 Buy one snake, get one free. 16 00:00:35,012 --> 00:00:37,449 That's not a promotion, that's a way to get rid of snakes. 17 00:00:37,493 --> 00:00:38,929 A-And this isn't right. 18 00:00:38,972 --> 00:00:41,149 I mean, I held up my end of the bargain. 19 00:00:41,192 --> 00:00:44,674 I even made this fanny pack to house my receipts. 20 00:00:44,717 --> 00:00:47,285 I took a lot of grief for wearing this fanny pack-- 21 00:00:47,329 --> 00:00:49,244 a few compliments but a lot of grief. 22 00:00:49,287 --> 00:00:50,419 What are you doing? 23 00:00:50,462 --> 00:00:52,769 Bathing myself in your tears. 24 00:00:53,726 --> 00:00:55,728 Can you believe this guy? 25 00:00:55,772 --> 00:00:57,600 You know, Pete, I'm gonna take this bag of cat food. 26 00:00:57,643 --> 00:01:00,211 I earned it, I deserve it, and I'm gonna take it. 27 00:01:00,255 --> 00:01:02,387 Really? Cause it seems like you're just standing there. 28 00:01:02,431 --> 00:01:05,129 Wow. Wow. Wow. 29 00:01:05,173 --> 00:01:08,437 Heart racing, finding my courage, and... 30 00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:10,917 Time to take what's mine. 31 00:01:10,961 --> 00:01:13,137 -You're being recorded by security cameras. -Good. 32 00:01:13,181 --> 00:01:16,532 Justice should be recorded. It looks like this. 33 00:01:18,708 --> 00:01:20,753 ♪ 34 00:01:24,714 --> 00:01:26,846 So I tossed the bag in the back of my truck, 35 00:01:26,890 --> 00:01:28,979 got in the truck, realized it wasn't my truck-- 36 00:01:29,022 --> 00:01:30,328 which is really problematic 37 00:01:30,372 --> 00:01:32,374 because I took a sip of the coffee... 38 00:01:32,417 --> 00:01:34,027 -[all groan] -...got that all sorted out, 39 00:01:34,071 --> 00:01:36,813 and then, when I turned the key in my truck 40 00:01:36,856 --> 00:01:39,120 to high-tail it out of there, the perfect getaway song 41 00:01:39,163 --> 00:01:40,773 just happened to be playing on the radio. 42 00:01:40,817 --> 00:01:43,036 BOTH: Was it "Getaway Car" by Taylor Swift? 43 00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:44,429 No way. You a Swiftie? 44 00:01:44,473 --> 00:01:46,518 Don't call it that, but yeah. 45 00:01:46,562 --> 00:01:48,303 Anyway, it was "Bad to the Bone." 46 00:01:48,346 --> 00:01:50,479 -That's much better. -Uh, debatable. 47 00:01:51,567 --> 00:01:53,395 Kat, you have got to be careful. 48 00:01:53,438 --> 00:01:57,660 The karma gods will make you pay for what you do not pay for. 49 00:01:57,703 --> 00:02:00,097 Oh, I have no regrets. Pete is a monster. 50 00:02:00,141 --> 00:02:02,143 He tried to sell me two snakes. 51 00:02:02,186 --> 00:02:03,492 That's how you end up with a hundred snakes. 52 00:02:03,535 --> 00:02:05,146 I know snake math. 53 00:02:05,189 --> 00:02:06,799 CARTER: CJ keeps bugging me to get a snake. 54 00:02:06,843 --> 00:02:08,366 But I said, "Not until you get your grades up. 55 00:02:08,410 --> 00:02:10,586 And then still, no." 56 00:02:10,629 --> 00:02:12,979 -What's up with his grades? -They're not up. 57 00:02:13,023 --> 00:02:14,981 Here's what it sounds like when I make him do his homework. 58 00:02:15,025 --> 00:02:17,114 "CJ, stop playing video games and do your homework." 59 00:02:17,158 --> 00:02:19,638 Then he says, "I want to live with Mom full-time." 60 00:02:19,682 --> 00:02:22,206 Then I put on some T. Swift and think about my life. 61 00:02:22,250 --> 00:02:24,208 Wait, Max can help CJ. 62 00:02:24,252 --> 00:02:26,210 I would love to help. I was voted Teacher of the Year 63 00:02:26,254 --> 00:02:28,299 when I taught in that remote village in Burma. 64 00:02:28,343 --> 00:02:30,780 I mean, I was the only teacher on that side of the mountain, 65 00:02:30,823 --> 00:02:33,696 but I still think I would've gotten it. 66 00:02:33,739 --> 00:02:37,221 Ugh, you guys, Daniel has to go out of town for work again, 67 00:02:37,265 --> 00:02:38,831 so he can't help me move in tomorrow. 68 00:02:38,875 --> 00:02:41,182 -Oh... -And I have to be out of my place 69 00:02:41,225 --> 00:02:42,792 because I already told my landlord what I really think 70 00:02:42,835 --> 00:02:44,707 about his plumbing skills and his biker shorts, 71 00:02:44,750 --> 00:02:46,883 and no, he does not own a bike. 72 00:02:46,926 --> 00:02:49,277 Oh, honey, I wish I could help you move, but I can't, 73 00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:50,669 and I have a pretty good excuse: 74 00:02:50,713 --> 00:02:53,063 I don't like to help people move. 75 00:02:53,106 --> 00:02:54,586 CARTER: And I don't think it would be fair for me 76 00:02:54,630 --> 00:02:55,848 to help you move in with your boyfriend 77 00:02:55,892 --> 00:02:57,633 when we haven't had our moment. 78 00:02:57,676 --> 00:02:59,765 Yeah, we're never gonna have a moment. 79 00:03:01,027 --> 00:03:03,204 Randi, look no further. 80 00:03:03,247 --> 00:03:06,294 The answer to your moving problems is right here. 81 00:03:06,337 --> 00:03:07,860 I've got a truck, a tape gun, 82 00:03:07,904 --> 00:03:10,167 and the calf strength of a longshoreman. 83 00:03:10,211 --> 00:03:13,126 You're a weird lady. Most people hate to help people move. 84 00:03:13,170 --> 00:03:14,998 I'd rather get kicked by a horse. 85 00:03:15,041 --> 00:03:16,913 Yeah, we got that, Phil. 86 00:03:19,742 --> 00:03:21,613 So, Randi, 87 00:03:21,657 --> 00:03:23,441 I don't mean to state the obvious here, 88 00:03:23,485 --> 00:03:27,402 but a major component of moving is actually moving, 89 00:03:27,445 --> 00:03:30,274 and I can't help but notice you're not really moving. 90 00:03:30,318 --> 00:03:33,146 I'm sorry, I just got stuck looking at these pictures. 91 00:03:33,190 --> 00:03:34,887 I mean, I've seen them before, 92 00:03:34,931 --> 00:03:36,672 I just never asked him about them. 93 00:03:36,715 --> 00:03:38,674 Like, like, who are these two dudes? 94 00:03:38,717 --> 00:03:42,243 Uh, well, that's Daniel, the guy you're moving in with, 95 00:03:42,286 --> 00:03:44,941 and the dude next to him is Barack Obama. 96 00:03:44,984 --> 00:03:47,639 Well, yeah, I know those two, but-but what about these two? 97 00:03:47,683 --> 00:03:49,032 And who is that old lady? 98 00:03:49,075 --> 00:03:50,816 And what about this canoe? 99 00:03:50,860 --> 00:03:53,297 Like, does Daniel own a canoe or did he rent the canoe? 100 00:03:53,341 --> 00:03:55,212 What's up with the canoe, Kat? 101 00:03:55,256 --> 00:03:58,302 So, uh, first of all, that's a kayak. 102 00:03:58,346 --> 00:03:59,825 And I'm sure that is not the most important thing 103 00:03:59,869 --> 00:04:01,871 for me to be pointing out right now, 104 00:04:01,914 --> 00:04:03,873 but, you know, I think you're just freaking out a little 105 00:04:03,916 --> 00:04:05,875 because this is a really big step for you. 106 00:04:05,918 --> 00:04:08,486 I know, it's just hitting me that I've only known Daniel 107 00:04:08,530 --> 00:04:09,922 for six months and there's so much 108 00:04:09,966 --> 00:04:11,446 I still don't know about him. 109 00:04:11,489 --> 00:04:13,404 Have you ever lived with anyone before? 110 00:04:13,448 --> 00:04:16,364 Well, just roommates. And I did end up kissing one of them. 111 00:04:16,407 --> 00:04:18,540 And then she got all Single White Femaleon me 112 00:04:18,583 --> 00:04:20,542 and I had to move out, cut my hair, change my phone. 113 00:04:20,585 --> 00:04:21,934 It was a whole thing. 114 00:04:21,978 --> 00:04:24,154 Well, has Daniel ever lived with anybody? 115 00:04:24,197 --> 00:04:25,808 Oh, I don't think so. 116 00:04:25,851 --> 00:04:26,939 He told me I was the first person 117 00:04:26,983 --> 00:04:28,724 that he sees a real future with. 118 00:04:28,767 --> 00:04:31,248 Which is also what Single White Female used to tell me, 119 00:04:31,292 --> 00:04:33,859 so maybe I'm just a really great kisser. 120 00:04:33,903 --> 00:04:34,947 [phone chimes] 121 00:04:34,991 --> 00:04:36,819 Oh. It's Oscar. 122 00:04:36,862 --> 00:04:39,648 He sent me another picture of himself without a shirt on. 123 00:04:39,691 --> 00:04:42,085 He wants me to send him a sexy picture of me. 124 00:04:42,128 --> 00:04:44,000 Should I send him my professor headshot? 125 00:04:44,043 --> 00:04:47,873 Uh, no, girl. I don't think that's what he means by sexy. 126 00:04:47,917 --> 00:04:50,789 Well, I'm wearing glasses. It has a certain something. 127 00:04:50,833 --> 00:04:53,401 Just send him a quick nip pic. I'll look away. 128 00:04:53,444 --> 00:04:55,968 Wh-- I can't do that. I can't even say that. 129 00:04:56,012 --> 00:04:58,667 Come on, that is Old Kat talking. 130 00:04:58,710 --> 00:05:00,495 New Kat robbed a pet store. 131 00:05:00,538 --> 00:05:04,063 New Kat isn't afraid to send a nip pic. 132 00:05:04,107 --> 00:05:07,197 You know what? You're right. 133 00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:10,156 New Kat is gonna step outside her comfort zone. 134 00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:13,246 -Okay. -New Kat is gonna blow his mind. 135 00:05:13,290 --> 00:05:15,292 -Right? -New Kat is gonna do that 136 00:05:15,336 --> 00:05:16,902 by showing one boob through the bra 137 00:05:16,946 --> 00:05:18,382 -'cause it's just her first time. -[laughs] 138 00:05:18,426 --> 00:05:19,862 Now you're talking. 139 00:05:19,905 --> 00:05:21,429 Just make sure you use the bigger one. 140 00:05:21,472 --> 00:05:23,082 Wait-- How do you know I have a bigger one? 141 00:05:23,126 --> 00:05:24,997 We all have a bigger one. 142 00:05:25,041 --> 00:05:26,390 It's your right one. 143 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:33,658 Oh... Oh. 144 00:05:33,702 --> 00:05:35,094 Oh. 145 00:05:36,574 --> 00:05:40,143 Well, that is a lot more alarming than a canoe. 146 00:05:45,061 --> 00:05:46,410 I mean, Randi started spinning out 147 00:05:46,454 --> 00:05:48,020 from a picture of Daniel in a kayak. 148 00:05:48,064 --> 00:05:49,674 I don't think she'll take very kindly to one of him 149 00:05:49,718 --> 00:05:51,546 -kissing a mystery bride. -Hmm. 150 00:05:51,589 --> 00:05:54,113 You were right to come to me. 151 00:05:54,157 --> 00:05:55,811 Who else have you told? 152 00:05:55,854 --> 00:05:59,380 Just you and Buttons here, my emotional support cat. 153 00:05:59,423 --> 00:06:02,208 I use her a lot when I get off the phone with you. 154 00:06:02,252 --> 00:06:04,210 I told you to get your own membership 155 00:06:04,254 --> 00:06:05,429 to FindHisBackground.com. 156 00:06:05,473 --> 00:06:06,822 It's very handy. 157 00:06:06,865 --> 00:06:08,432 You know, my neighbor, to the east? 158 00:06:08,476 --> 00:06:10,826 Been arrested twice for petty theft. 159 00:06:10,869 --> 00:06:13,132 That's why I won't put out lawn ornaments. 160 00:06:14,220 --> 00:06:15,483 Well, you missed your calling, Mother. 161 00:06:15,526 --> 00:06:17,615 You should have been in the CIA. 162 00:06:17,659 --> 00:06:19,530 How do you know I'm not? 163 00:06:20,705 --> 00:06:22,185 Because you've never worn an outfit 164 00:06:22,228 --> 00:06:24,796 that blended into anything or anywhere. 165 00:06:26,276 --> 00:06:28,974 Maybe Randi knows Daniel was married before. 166 00:06:29,018 --> 00:06:31,281 You said he's a bit older than her. 167 00:06:31,324 --> 00:06:32,674 No, I don't think so. 168 00:06:32,717 --> 00:06:33,849 He told her she was the first person 169 00:06:33,892 --> 00:06:35,328 he could see a future with. 170 00:06:35,372 --> 00:06:37,983 Okay, so he's a liar. 171 00:06:38,027 --> 00:06:41,334 Or there's another explanation we haven't even thought of. 172 00:06:41,378 --> 00:06:42,510 Yeah-- Maybe I should just let this go. 173 00:06:42,553 --> 00:06:44,207 Not so fast. 174 00:06:44,250 --> 00:06:46,252 Katharine, he could be a polygamist. 175 00:06:46,296 --> 00:06:49,212 I mean, if Randi's gonna be a sister wife, she should know, 176 00:06:49,255 --> 00:06:51,693 and more importantly, what number she'll be. 177 00:06:51,736 --> 00:06:53,956 You do not want to be number five. 178 00:06:53,999 --> 00:06:57,438 All right. Now, what's Daniel's last name? 179 00:06:57,481 --> 00:06:59,918 [sighs] Waxmore. 180 00:06:59,962 --> 00:07:02,573 There's no turning back now, Buttons. 181 00:07:02,617 --> 00:07:03,835 Hold me. 182 00:07:06,577 --> 00:07:09,450 What's up, big-ass hobbit? Have you seen Max? 183 00:07:09,493 --> 00:07:11,234 [hobbit voice]: Oh, Max left the Shire. 184 00:07:11,277 --> 00:07:12,844 He's on a great quest. 185 00:07:12,888 --> 00:07:14,585 Might I be of help? 186 00:07:14,629 --> 00:07:16,369 Don't do that. That's creepy. 187 00:07:16,413 --> 00:07:17,936 Do what? 188 00:07:17,980 --> 00:07:19,416 [regular voice]: I got these when I was reading 189 00:07:19,460 --> 00:07:20,504 Lord of the Rings with my students. 190 00:07:20,548 --> 00:07:21,984 Found my old teaching bag. 191 00:07:22,027 --> 00:07:24,377 Got some reward stickers in here. 192 00:07:24,421 --> 00:07:25,814 Got-- ooh, my big red praise button. 193 00:07:26,815 --> 00:07:28,207 WOMAN [over device]: Nice job. 194 00:07:28,251 --> 00:07:29,818 You're awesome. 195 00:07:29,861 --> 00:07:31,907 I wouldn't mind if that button was my next wife. 196 00:07:31,950 --> 00:07:33,474 -[laughs]: Yeah. -Hey. 197 00:07:33,517 --> 00:07:34,518 Thanks again for doing this, by the way. 198 00:07:34,562 --> 00:07:35,650 Oh, no problem. 199 00:07:35,693 --> 00:07:37,260 I'm getting excited to tutor CJ. 200 00:07:37,303 --> 00:07:39,262 Well, that makes one of you. 201 00:07:39,305 --> 00:07:41,525 He said he doesn't need school to become a professional gamer. 202 00:07:41,569 --> 00:07:42,918 He's actually right. Some of them make 203 00:07:42,961 --> 00:07:44,136 millions of dollars a year. 204 00:07:44,180 --> 00:07:45,660 Whose side are you on, man? 205 00:07:45,703 --> 00:07:48,053 [hobbit voice]: Hobbits don't take sides. 206 00:07:48,097 --> 00:07:50,665 But we do take second breakfast. 207 00:07:53,276 --> 00:07:55,844 Hey, honey, let's get kinky in the bedroom. 208 00:07:55,887 --> 00:07:57,193 WOMAN [over device]: Great idea. 209 00:07:57,236 --> 00:07:58,673 I'm-a put a ring on her finger. 210 00:08:01,937 --> 00:08:04,635 Phil, is Randi in? And if she is, 211 00:08:04,679 --> 00:08:07,508 did she seem like she might be open to earth-shattering news? 212 00:08:07,551 --> 00:08:10,032 She's not here yet. What's wrong? 213 00:08:10,075 --> 00:08:11,947 I can't say. It's very, very personal. 214 00:08:11,990 --> 00:08:14,297 I discovered that her boyfriend was officially married 215 00:08:14,340 --> 00:08:16,821 when he was 22 and there's no record of divorce. 216 00:08:16,865 --> 00:08:19,345 Oh, no. Oh, no. 217 00:08:19,389 --> 00:08:20,956 He's gonna kill her. 218 00:08:20,999 --> 00:08:22,740 What? No. 219 00:08:22,784 --> 00:08:24,437 I didn't discover that he's a murderer. 220 00:08:24,481 --> 00:08:25,961 Yet. 221 00:08:26,004 --> 00:08:29,486 But once you start lying and having affairs, 222 00:08:29,530 --> 00:08:31,053 it's a slippery slope 223 00:08:31,096 --> 00:08:34,491 to stuffing somebody in a barrel full of acid. 224 00:08:34,535 --> 00:08:36,275 RANDI: Hello, hello, hello. 225 00:08:36,319 --> 00:08:39,148 Oh, hi. Wow, you look so... 226 00:08:39,191 --> 00:08:40,976 -happy and vibrant. -Well, that's because 227 00:08:41,019 --> 00:08:43,282 this morning, Daniel brought me breakfast in bed 228 00:08:43,326 --> 00:08:46,329 and he gave me a massage and ran me a hot bath. 229 00:08:46,372 --> 00:08:48,940 So basically, I have been grubbed, rubbed and scrubbed. 230 00:08:48,984 --> 00:08:50,507 [Kat chuckles] 231 00:08:50,551 --> 00:08:52,640 You know, I'm a tub person, too. 232 00:08:52,683 --> 00:08:56,687 People like their showers, but I like my tubs. 233 00:08:56,731 --> 00:08:59,908 Anyway, I really need to use our facilities, 234 00:08:59,951 --> 00:09:01,910 because I haven't figured out the bathroom acoustics 235 00:09:01,953 --> 00:09:04,608 at my new place yet and I got a little potty shy. 236 00:09:04,652 --> 00:09:06,218 [chuckles] 237 00:09:06,262 --> 00:09:09,570 Um, here's that popcorn salt you asked for. 238 00:09:09,613 --> 00:09:11,136 Oh, thank you. I don't know when they're gonna allow me 239 00:09:11,180 --> 00:09:13,574 back in that store. 240 00:09:13,617 --> 00:09:17,099 I swear I thought that woman was choking. 241 00:09:18,448 --> 00:09:20,015 So, what are you gonna do about Randi? 242 00:09:20,058 --> 00:09:21,756 Well, I am not gonna tell her. 243 00:09:21,799 --> 00:09:23,845 What do you mean, you're not gonna tell her? 244 00:09:23,888 --> 00:09:25,847 You didn't let me finish. 245 00:09:25,890 --> 00:09:27,849 Yes, I did. Your inflection definitely implied 246 00:09:27,892 --> 00:09:29,328 that you were done. 247 00:09:29,372 --> 00:09:31,200 Well, I intended it as an ellipsis. 248 00:09:31,243 --> 00:09:35,117 I'm not gonna tell her-- dot, dot, dot-- 249 00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:36,858 just yet. 250 00:09:36,901 --> 00:09:41,253 But you have to tell her because I cannot keep secrets. 251 00:09:41,297 --> 00:09:44,605 When my brother Larry Bo told me that he stole that heifer, 252 00:09:44,648 --> 00:09:46,258 he swore me to silence. 253 00:09:46,302 --> 00:09:48,043 But the police knocked on the door. 254 00:09:48,086 --> 00:09:50,654 I said, "Larry Bo did it. It was him. 255 00:09:50,698 --> 00:09:53,048 -It was Larry Bo." -Did they arrest him? 256 00:09:53,091 --> 00:09:55,267 Yes, ma'am, they did. But you know what? 257 00:09:55,311 --> 00:09:58,706 He found God in prison, and now my mama likes to say, 258 00:09:58,749 --> 00:10:01,534 "I wish the rest of y'all were more like Larry Bo." 259 00:10:01,578 --> 00:10:03,928 Ooh. Pisses me off. 260 00:10:03,972 --> 00:10:07,628 Well, I will tell Randi when the moment is right. 261 00:10:07,671 --> 00:10:09,020 And I'm not exactly sure when that moment will be. 262 00:10:09,064 --> 00:10:10,848 Might be today, might be tomorrow, 263 00:10:10,892 --> 00:10:12,850 might be on a long car ride after she's fallen asleep. 264 00:10:12,894 --> 00:10:14,025 RANDI: Ah, much better. 265 00:10:14,069 --> 00:10:15,984 How you doing today, Phil? 266 00:10:16,027 --> 00:10:18,203 -Daniel's been married! -Phil! 267 00:10:18,247 --> 00:10:21,206 I'm sorry, it came out like a sneeze. 268 00:10:22,164 --> 00:10:23,905 Wait, what is he talking about? 269 00:10:23,948 --> 00:10:25,428 Uh, when I was helping you move at Daniel's, 270 00:10:25,471 --> 00:10:28,170 I-I accidentally knocked a book down and... 271 00:10:29,214 --> 00:10:30,651 ...found this. 272 00:10:32,087 --> 00:10:33,784 What the hell? 273 00:10:33,828 --> 00:10:35,307 He never said he was married. 274 00:10:35,351 --> 00:10:37,745 I know, so I did some research with my mom 275 00:10:37,788 --> 00:10:40,269 and he does have a marriage certificate on record. 276 00:10:40,312 --> 00:10:42,575 He also has great credit, so, you know, 277 00:10:42,619 --> 00:10:44,534 good points, bad points. 278 00:10:44,577 --> 00:10:48,799 Wait, so you told your mother and Phil about this before me? 279 00:10:48,843 --> 00:10:50,888 And I heard snippets of it. 280 00:10:53,195 --> 00:10:55,588 I-I just didn't want to add more stress to your life. 281 00:10:55,632 --> 00:10:57,286 Well, do you know what would be less stressful? 282 00:10:57,329 --> 00:10:59,941 You not snooping through my boyfriend's stuff. 283 00:10:59,984 --> 00:11:01,725 Hey, I wasn't snooping. I really wish 284 00:11:01,769 --> 00:11:03,596 I hadn't stumbled on that picture. 285 00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:05,424 It's been really stressful for me, too. 286 00:11:05,468 --> 00:11:07,383 Oh, so I'm supposed to feel sorry for you now? 287 00:11:07,426 --> 00:11:08,863 Hey, why are you mad at me? 288 00:11:08,906 --> 00:11:10,734 I mean, shouldn't you be upset with Daniel? 289 00:11:10,778 --> 00:11:12,780 Oh, I can be upset with more than one person at a time. 290 00:11:12,823 --> 00:11:14,695 It's a special skill I have. 291 00:11:16,784 --> 00:11:19,395 I told you that the universe would seek its revenge 292 00:11:19,438 --> 00:11:21,136 after you stole that cat food. 293 00:11:21,179 --> 00:11:24,748 That was one heck of a karmic bitch slap. 294 00:11:26,358 --> 00:11:28,143 This is not an admission of guilt, Pete. 295 00:11:28,186 --> 00:11:30,145 I am returning this to remind the universe 296 00:11:30,188 --> 00:11:32,103 what a good person I am, so that the universe 297 00:11:32,147 --> 00:11:34,323 will remind my friend. 298 00:11:39,328 --> 00:11:41,330 That'll be $23.99. 299 00:11:49,207 --> 00:11:52,820 Hey, CJ. How's it going? 300 00:11:52,863 --> 00:11:54,952 Have you gotten taller since I saw you last? 301 00:11:56,475 --> 00:11:59,870 Me, I'm great. Got bit by a spider. 302 00:11:59,914 --> 00:12:01,959 Now I have superpowers. 303 00:12:03,178 --> 00:12:05,136 Probably use them for good. 304 00:12:05,180 --> 00:12:06,790 Maybe not. 305 00:12:06,834 --> 00:12:08,052 [phone chimes] 306 00:12:09,227 --> 00:12:10,707 Hello? 307 00:12:10,751 --> 00:12:12,840 Dude, pay attention to the real world. 308 00:12:12,883 --> 00:12:14,363 CARTER: CJ, 309 00:12:14,406 --> 00:12:15,843 how did you get your phone back? 310 00:12:15,886 --> 00:12:19,063 I took his phone and hid it in my sock. 311 00:12:19,107 --> 00:12:21,152 And he replaced it with a deck of cards. 312 00:12:21,196 --> 00:12:23,024 Ta-da. 313 00:12:23,067 --> 00:12:25,896 [chuckles] I got it. 314 00:12:25,940 --> 00:12:28,290 -What are you playing? -Island Hoppers. 315 00:12:28,333 --> 00:12:30,466 Oh. I love that game. 316 00:12:30,509 --> 00:12:33,599 I just paved one of my streets with gold. 317 00:12:33,643 --> 00:12:36,602 No way. How did you do that? 318 00:12:36,646 --> 00:12:38,822 Have a lot of free time for a man my age. 319 00:12:38,866 --> 00:12:40,737 All right, tell you what. 320 00:12:40,781 --> 00:12:42,652 Why don't you put your phone down, you give me 30 minutes, 321 00:12:42,695 --> 00:12:44,915 and then I'll invite you over to my island to go fishing. 322 00:12:44,959 --> 00:12:47,831 -Cool? -Okay. 323 00:12:47,875 --> 00:12:49,224 All right, so let me see your homework. 324 00:12:49,267 --> 00:12:50,442 [sniffs] 325 00:12:52,444 --> 00:12:54,185 Awesome filing system. 326 00:12:56,144 --> 00:12:59,016 Ooh-- smells like chocolate. 327 00:12:59,060 --> 00:13:01,149 Ah, and there's the chocolate. 328 00:13:01,192 --> 00:13:03,238 [both chuckle] 329 00:13:04,935 --> 00:13:07,459 So, as I was leaving the pet store, I got a text from Randi, 330 00:13:07,503 --> 00:13:09,592 and I thought it was the karma gods answering my prayers. 331 00:13:09,635 --> 00:13:11,899 But she just said, "I need you to give me some space." 332 00:13:11,942 --> 00:13:13,422 Like, what do you think that means? 333 00:13:13,465 --> 00:13:15,598 I think it means she might want some space. 334 00:13:15,641 --> 00:13:17,905 But then she said, "I'm not coming in to work tomorrow." 335 00:13:17,948 --> 00:13:19,167 Like, what do you think that means? 336 00:13:19,210 --> 00:13:21,082 Ooh, that one's harder. 337 00:13:21,125 --> 00:13:23,954 I'm not good at giving people their space. 338 00:13:23,998 --> 00:13:26,130 You know, my instinct is to just casually show up at her door 339 00:13:26,174 --> 00:13:28,654 and, when she answers it, handcuff myself to her. 340 00:13:28,698 --> 00:13:31,353 -You have handcuffs? -[chuckles]: Yeah, I have handcuffs. 341 00:13:31,396 --> 00:13:33,659 They came with my magic kit. 342 00:13:33,703 --> 00:13:36,010 Interesting. What else don't I know about you? 343 00:13:36,053 --> 00:13:37,533 I think the real question is, 344 00:13:37,576 --> 00:13:39,100 what don't I know about you? 345 00:13:39,143 --> 00:13:40,797 I mean, have you ever had a secret marriage? 346 00:13:40,841 --> 00:13:42,320 No. But, 347 00:13:42,364 --> 00:13:44,714 cards on the table, I was arrested once. 348 00:13:44,757 --> 00:13:46,281 Tell me more. 349 00:13:46,324 --> 00:13:49,153 Am I dating a bad boy? A menace to society? 350 00:13:49,197 --> 00:13:50,807 I did about 35 minutes in mall jail once 351 00:13:50,851 --> 00:13:53,070 for swiping pennies from the fountain. 352 00:13:53,114 --> 00:13:54,898 Those are people's wishes. 353 00:13:54,942 --> 00:13:57,292 -I'm not proud. -[laughs] 354 00:13:57,335 --> 00:13:59,294 What about you? Any secrets? 355 00:13:59,337 --> 00:14:01,209 Well, 356 00:14:01,252 --> 00:14:03,341 I took a somewhat risqué picture for you, 357 00:14:03,385 --> 00:14:04,516 and I-I never sent it. 358 00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:06,257 What? Why don't you send it? 359 00:14:06,301 --> 00:14:08,651 I just got distracted by the Randi stuff. 360 00:14:08,694 --> 00:14:10,479 And, like, maybe I'm a little shy. 361 00:14:10,522 --> 00:14:12,394 -Send it to me. Please? -Oh. 362 00:14:12,437 --> 00:14:14,396 [sputters] Okay. 363 00:14:14,439 --> 00:14:15,484 [phone chimes] 364 00:14:15,527 --> 00:14:16,964 [chuckles]: Oh! 365 00:14:17,007 --> 00:14:18,835 Max sent me a picture of Carter's kid. 366 00:14:18,879 --> 00:14:20,489 Oh, he looks just like Carter. 367 00:14:20,532 --> 00:14:21,925 Will you stop stalling? I have to drive around 368 00:14:21,969 --> 00:14:23,622 and deliver packages for 12 hours. 369 00:14:23,666 --> 00:14:24,885 I need that picture to get me through my shift. 370 00:14:24,928 --> 00:14:26,930 Okay, okay. I'll just... 371 00:14:26,974 --> 00:14:29,019 I'm gonna do it from over here. I'm still feeling a little shy, 372 00:14:29,063 --> 00:14:30,325 so I'll just... I'll be over here. 373 00:14:30,368 --> 00:14:31,717 Just down here. 374 00:14:33,719 --> 00:14:36,940 Okay, it sent. [squeals] 375 00:14:36,984 --> 00:14:39,290 So? 376 00:14:39,334 --> 00:14:40,988 Speechless? 377 00:14:41,031 --> 00:14:43,033 That could be a good thing or a bad thing. 378 00:14:43,077 --> 00:14:44,469 Which is it, good or bad? 379 00:14:44,513 --> 00:14:46,341 Neither. I just haven't gotten it yet. 380 00:14:46,384 --> 00:14:48,256 Oh. That's weird. 381 00:14:48,299 --> 00:14:50,519 Maybe it's taking a minute to load 382 00:14:50,562 --> 00:14:52,956 'cause the Internet can't believe what it's seeing. 383 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:54,479 -[chuckles] Okay. -Ooh! 384 00:14:54,523 --> 00:14:55,828 I'll just resend it. 385 00:14:55,872 --> 00:14:56,917 Did you get it? 386 00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:58,962 No. 387 00:14:59,006 --> 00:15:00,703 How about now? 388 00:15:00,746 --> 00:15:02,574 Nope. 389 00:15:02,618 --> 00:15:06,317 "...continued growth of the electric car industry." 390 00:15:06,361 --> 00:15:08,624 Very good. And fun fact, 391 00:15:08,667 --> 00:15:10,191 before Tesla was a car, 392 00:15:10,234 --> 00:15:12,367 he was a dude who invented a lot of cool stuff 393 00:15:12,410 --> 00:15:14,847 and had a very sharp-looking mustache. 394 00:15:14,891 --> 00:15:16,762 -Really? -Yep. Here, take a look. 395 00:15:16,806 --> 00:15:18,460 [phone chimes] 396 00:15:18,503 --> 00:15:19,940 That's not a guy. 397 00:15:19,983 --> 00:15:22,333 That's a lady with no shirt on. 398 00:15:22,377 --> 00:15:23,813 -Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. -[chuckles] 399 00:15:23,856 --> 00:15:26,250 Do not look at your phone! 400 00:15:26,294 --> 00:15:27,469 I saw it. 401 00:15:27,512 --> 00:15:28,992 Actually, wesaw it. 402 00:15:29,036 --> 00:15:30,602 Hi there. 403 00:15:32,604 --> 00:15:34,084 Hello. 404 00:15:34,998 --> 00:15:37,827 -Honey, that's hardly pornographic. -Okay, thank you. 405 00:15:37,870 --> 00:15:39,437 I feel so much better. 406 00:15:39,481 --> 00:15:41,439 That bra you got on gives you more coverage 407 00:15:41,483 --> 00:15:44,616 than my mama's old bathing costume. 408 00:15:44,660 --> 00:15:46,227 -Okay, well, that was my sexy bra. -I remember 409 00:15:46,270 --> 00:15:48,142 it had snaps in the crotch 410 00:15:48,185 --> 00:15:50,535 so she could go to the outhouse. 411 00:15:51,841 --> 00:15:53,799 -Hey. -Hi. So, 412 00:15:53,843 --> 00:15:55,845 obviously, that picture was meant for Oscar. 413 00:15:55,888 --> 00:15:57,934 -Yeah, I figured. Lucky guy. -[chuckles] 414 00:15:57,978 --> 00:15:59,762 Thanks. Did you think 415 00:15:59,805 --> 00:16:01,285 it looked like I was wearing a vintage bathing costume? 416 00:16:01,329 --> 00:16:02,765 Because I have one of those, 417 00:16:02,808 --> 00:16:04,593 and it's completely different, Phil. 418 00:16:06,334 --> 00:16:08,553 No, you looked great. But that picture wasn't meant for me, 419 00:16:08,597 --> 00:16:11,034 -so that's all I'm gonna say about that. -[chuckles] 420 00:16:11,078 --> 00:16:12,079 And hopefully Oscar finally got one, 421 00:16:12,122 --> 00:16:13,689 because I got ten of them. 422 00:16:13,732 --> 00:16:15,778 Yeah, I kept trying to resend it to Oscar. 423 00:16:15,821 --> 00:16:18,476 -Yeah, I figured that out around picture eight. -[chuckles] 424 00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:20,609 Does Carter hate me now 'cause I traumatized his son? 425 00:16:20,652 --> 00:16:24,700 No, he said you got CJ finally interested in learning again. 426 00:16:24,743 --> 00:16:26,397 Actually, 427 00:16:26,441 --> 00:16:29,009 I came over to thank you for volunteering me to help him. 428 00:16:29,052 --> 00:16:32,664 It just reminded me of how much I love teaching. 429 00:16:32,708 --> 00:16:34,884 [hobbit voice]: Did you use your hobbit voice? 430 00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:38,279 [hobbit voice]: Not with CJ. He wasn't ready. 431 00:16:38,322 --> 00:16:40,107 [normal voice]: Well, you're welcome. 432 00:16:40,150 --> 00:16:41,325 [normal voice]: Oh, by the way, I heard 433 00:16:41,369 --> 00:16:42,326 about what happened with Randi. 434 00:16:42,370 --> 00:16:43,806 You did? How? 435 00:16:43,849 --> 00:16:45,242 Well, after she stormed out of here, 436 00:16:45,286 --> 00:16:46,765 she came over to the bar, took three shots, 437 00:16:46,809 --> 00:16:49,072 -and called you a few names. -Oh. 438 00:16:49,116 --> 00:16:50,595 Yeah, she's pretty mad. 439 00:16:50,639 --> 00:16:52,510 I'm just trying to give her her space. 440 00:16:52,554 --> 00:16:54,425 Well, that's not you. You're more 441 00:16:54,469 --> 00:16:56,166 of a "chase them down, push them into a snowbank, 442 00:16:56,210 --> 00:16:58,429 and sit on them until they talk about it" person. 443 00:16:58,473 --> 00:17:00,866 I only did that because you weren't answering my calls 444 00:17:00,910 --> 00:17:02,781 about going to see Celtic Thunder. 445 00:17:02,825 --> 00:17:04,696 My silence was the answer. 446 00:17:07,264 --> 00:17:09,571 Randi? 447 00:17:09,614 --> 00:17:11,312 Randi, open the door. 448 00:17:11,355 --> 00:17:12,748 I've given you enough space. 449 00:17:12,791 --> 00:17:14,489 I cannot believe 450 00:17:14,532 --> 00:17:17,579 you brought me here. You know I'm conflict-averse. 451 00:17:17,622 --> 00:17:19,102 My barber has been 452 00:17:19,146 --> 00:17:21,148 calling me Jethro for 20 years. 453 00:17:21,191 --> 00:17:23,324 I just answer to it. 454 00:17:23,367 --> 00:17:25,848 Well, she'll yell at me less if you're here 455 00:17:25,891 --> 00:17:27,415 because you have resting sad face. 456 00:17:27,458 --> 00:17:28,851 Plus, 457 00:17:28,894 --> 00:17:30,461 you owe me for spilling the beans. 458 00:17:30,505 --> 00:17:31,680 You put the beans in my mouth. 459 00:17:31,723 --> 00:17:33,290 You know I can't hold my beans. 460 00:17:33,334 --> 00:17:36,902 I'm not leaving here without talking to you. 461 00:17:36,946 --> 00:17:39,122 Oh, I see your window 462 00:17:39,166 --> 00:17:40,732 is open a little bit. 463 00:17:40,776 --> 00:17:42,734 I think I'm just gonna stick my head in here. 464 00:17:42,778 --> 00:17:44,475 Maybe we can talk that way. 465 00:17:44,519 --> 00:17:46,303 Come on, Phil. We're going in. 466 00:17:46,347 --> 00:17:47,826 Oh, Lord. 467 00:17:47,870 --> 00:17:49,306 I'm gonna be sharing a prison cell 468 00:17:49,350 --> 00:17:51,221 with Larry Bo soon enough. 469 00:17:51,265 --> 00:17:52,701 [scoffs] 470 00:17:53,658 --> 00:17:55,704 -[screams] -Oh! Oh, Phil! 471 00:17:55,747 --> 00:17:57,140 Help. Phil. Oh. 472 00:17:57,184 --> 00:17:59,664 [both grunting] 473 00:17:59,708 --> 00:18:01,144 Oh, Lord. 474 00:18:01,188 --> 00:18:03,364 I haven't been between a woman's legs 475 00:18:03,407 --> 00:18:05,714 since the day I was born. 476 00:18:05,757 --> 00:18:09,500 It's like working a wheelbarrow. 477 00:18:10,501 --> 00:18:12,024 -[phone rings] -Oh! 478 00:18:12,068 --> 00:18:13,765 That's my phone. Can you grab it? 479 00:18:16,594 --> 00:18:18,814 -It's Randi. -Oh, answer it. 480 00:18:18,857 --> 00:18:20,337 Hello? 481 00:18:20,381 --> 00:18:22,209 Oh, hi, Randi. It's Phil. 482 00:18:22,252 --> 00:18:24,646 I'm with Kat. Where are you? 483 00:18:24,689 --> 00:18:27,562 She's at your place. It sounds like she's crying. 484 00:18:27,605 --> 00:18:29,868 Oh, no. Uh, tell her I'll be right there. 485 00:18:29,912 --> 00:18:33,002 Randi, honey? She'll be right there. 486 00:18:33,045 --> 00:18:35,091 Oh, and this may cheer you up. 487 00:18:35,135 --> 00:18:37,441 I just had my first heterosexual experience. 488 00:18:37,485 --> 00:18:38,703 [Kat scoffs] 489 00:18:42,838 --> 00:18:44,231 So, does that mean you're breaking up? 490 00:18:44,274 --> 00:18:46,102 I think so. 491 00:18:46,146 --> 00:18:48,235 And it's not even because he was married. 492 00:18:48,278 --> 00:18:50,106 He said she was his college girlfriend 493 00:18:50,150 --> 00:18:52,195 and they got hitched at one of those 24-hour places 494 00:18:52,239 --> 00:18:53,805 at the last minute. 495 00:18:53,849 --> 00:18:55,981 Hmm. She was wearing an awfully fancy dress 496 00:18:56,025 --> 00:18:57,157 for a last-minute wedding. 497 00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:58,245 It came with the package, 498 00:18:58,288 --> 00:19:00,029 and it was Velcro'd up the back. 499 00:19:00,072 --> 00:19:01,422 Velcro is amazing. 500 00:19:01,465 --> 00:19:03,467 Why do we use anything else? 501 00:19:03,511 --> 00:19:06,644 Anyway, they got it annulled after a month. 502 00:19:06,688 --> 00:19:10,170 Records of annulment are not kept on file by the state 503 00:19:10,213 --> 00:19:14,086 or on FindHisBackground.com, apparently. 504 00:19:14,130 --> 00:19:15,958 And all of that I could have been okay with. 505 00:19:16,001 --> 00:19:17,568 But what I wasn't okay with 506 00:19:17,612 --> 00:19:19,527 was him telling me that I was overreacting 507 00:19:19,570 --> 00:19:21,050 and that I needed 508 00:19:21,093 --> 00:19:23,139 to calm down and-and not worry so much. 509 00:19:23,183 --> 00:19:25,620 And then suddenly, I start seeing an entire future 510 00:19:25,663 --> 00:19:27,143 of him telling me how to feel, 511 00:19:27,187 --> 00:19:29,101 and no one tells Randi how to feel. 512 00:19:29,145 --> 00:19:31,234 Have I ever told you how to feel? 513 00:19:31,278 --> 00:19:33,758 -A couple times. -I won't do it again. 514 00:19:33,802 --> 00:19:36,457 But there is one thing that I do need you to do. 515 00:19:36,500 --> 00:19:38,198 If you ever have a problem with me 516 00:19:38,241 --> 00:19:39,982 or find out something about me, 517 00:19:40,025 --> 00:19:41,723 you come to me first. 518 00:19:41,766 --> 00:19:43,551 That's girl code. 519 00:19:43,594 --> 00:19:45,596 You're right. I'm sorry. 520 00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:48,425 And I'm not gonna lie, I love that we have a code. 521 00:19:48,469 --> 00:19:49,948 [both chuckle] 522 00:19:49,992 --> 00:19:51,907 You can stay here as long as you need to. 523 00:19:51,950 --> 00:19:54,170 We can hang out after work, booze it up. 524 00:19:54,214 --> 00:19:56,825 We can share each other's jeans like that movie. [chuckles] 525 00:19:56,868 --> 00:19:58,305 [chuckles]: You are so weird. 526 00:19:58,348 --> 00:20:00,481 But I owe you. 527 00:20:00,524 --> 00:20:02,657 I love you, too. 528 00:20:02,700 --> 00:20:04,702 I-I said I owe you. 529 00:20:04,746 --> 00:20:06,791 [laughs]: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. 530 00:20:06,835 --> 00:20:08,271 I owe you, too. 531 00:20:08,315 --> 00:20:10,012 Oh, geez, you're gonna go 532 00:20:10,055 --> 00:20:11,709 all Single White Femaleon me, aren't you? 533 00:20:11,753 --> 00:20:13,537 [laughs] 534 00:20:13,581 --> 00:20:15,322 [mutters] 535 00:20:16,323 --> 00:20:18,847 Here's the deal, Pete. My girl Kat 536 00:20:18,890 --> 00:20:21,066 went through all the trouble of collecting 20 receipts 537 00:20:21,110 --> 00:20:22,938 in a fanny pack that she made herself. 538 00:20:22,981 --> 00:20:24,766 Pretty proud of that pack, Pete. 539 00:20:24,809 --> 00:20:27,247 And then you up and cancel the loyalty program 540 00:20:27,290 --> 00:20:29,423 out of nowhere, which was really upsetting for her. 541 00:20:29,466 --> 00:20:30,859 I lost sleep, Pete. 542 00:20:30,902 --> 00:20:32,817 RANDI: And when my friend is upset, 543 00:20:32,861 --> 00:20:35,342 Iget upset. So let me tell you what's gonna happen, Pete. 544 00:20:35,385 --> 00:20:38,693 Kat is gonna take that bag of cat food that you owe her, 545 00:20:38,736 --> 00:20:40,390 and in return, I am gonna give you 546 00:20:40,434 --> 00:20:42,000 a punch card to our café. 547 00:20:42,044 --> 00:20:44,351 After ten punches, you get a free coffee. 548 00:20:44,394 --> 00:20:47,136 And do you know why, Pete? 549 00:20:47,179 --> 00:20:48,790 Because we keep our promises, Pete. 550 00:20:48,833 --> 00:20:50,400 Mm-hmm. 551 00:20:50,444 --> 00:20:52,054 KAT: So, here we go, 552 00:20:52,097 --> 00:20:53,708 taking what is owed to us. 553 00:20:53,751 --> 00:20:55,231 And if I was you, 554 00:20:55,275 --> 00:20:56,711 I would stay behind that counter, Pete. 555 00:20:56,754 --> 00:20:57,929 I learned how to whup a little ass 556 00:20:57,973 --> 00:20:59,366 in my cardio boot camp. 557 00:20:59,409 --> 00:21:00,802 Oh! 558 00:21:04,806 --> 00:21:06,677 We meant that, Pete. 559 00:21:06,721 --> 00:21:09,245 ["Bad to the Bone" playing]