1
00:00:02,819 --> 00:00:03,744
Hey, what can I get for you?
2
00:00:03,838 --> 00:00:05,671
Uh, what flavor slushies
you got?
3
00:00:05,822 --> 00:00:07,064
We like blue flavor.
4
00:00:07,233 --> 00:00:08,081
Well, blue is the best.
5
00:00:08,234 --> 00:00:09,491
I mean, blue teeth, blue tongue.
6
00:00:09,568 --> 00:00:11,176
It's not a flavor
found in nature-- just blue.
7
00:00:11,328 --> 00:00:13,012
Mm-mm, all y'all are crazy.
8
00:00:13,239 --> 00:00:15,239
The best flavor, red.
9
00:00:15,332 --> 00:00:16,256
Red gives me brain freeze.
10
00:00:16,392 --> 00:00:18,017
Red is so much colder than blue.
11
00:00:18,244 --> 00:00:19,910
Oh, dude, she gets us.
12
00:00:19,928 --> 00:00:22,579
Yeah, I get you!
I get young people things.
13
00:00:22,598 --> 00:00:24,081
I watch Euphoria.
14
00:00:24,174 --> 00:00:25,432
Although, most of the time,
I have to watch like this.
15
00:00:25,584 --> 00:00:26,600
Like, "Mm."
16
00:00:26,694 --> 00:00:29,177
Uh, so we'll take
two blue slushies, please.
17
00:00:29,196 --> 00:00:30,270
Throw in a red one.
18
00:00:30,439 --> 00:00:31,864
Brain freezes
really help me think.
19
00:00:32,015 --> 00:00:34,107
Unfortunately,
we don't sell slushies.
20
00:00:34,260 --> 00:00:36,760
So you'll talk about them
but you won't make them?
21
00:00:36,779 --> 00:00:38,186
-Huh.
-Slush tease.
22
00:00:38,355 --> 00:00:40,688
You two don't seem
like you're from around here.
23
00:00:40,783 --> 00:00:43,767
That's because they're from
Thursdays at 9:30 on Fox
24
00:00:43,769 --> 00:00:45,102
and streaming on Hulu.
25
00:00:45,271 --> 00:00:47,604
We won a scratch-off ticket,
so we decided
26
00:00:47,697 --> 00:00:49,439
to take the cash
and go on a pilgrimage.
27
00:00:49,533 --> 00:00:52,442
We're putting a ten-piece bucket
on Colonel Sanders' grave.
28
00:00:52,536 --> 00:00:54,553
Master of the chicken,
inventor of the spork--
29
00:00:54,780 --> 00:00:55,554
guy's a legend.
30
00:00:55,781 --> 00:00:56,797
(smacking)
31
00:00:56,891 --> 00:00:57,705
(grunts)
32
00:00:57,800 --> 00:00:59,040
Truly a visionary.
33
00:00:59,134 --> 00:01:00,542
I wish more things were served
in a bucket.
34
00:01:00,710 --> 00:01:02,619
-Mm.
-Oh, my God!
Billion-dollar idea!
35
00:01:02,638 --> 00:01:03,620
Slushie in a bucket!
36
00:01:03,639 --> 00:01:04,638
Slush bucket!
37
00:01:05,399 --> 00:01:07,140
Don't even think
about stealing my idea.
38
00:01:07,234 --> 00:01:09,735
Yeah, we got to patent that
when we get back to Flatch.
39
00:01:09,886 --> 00:01:10,977
Wait, what's a flatch?
40
00:01:11,072 --> 00:01:12,053
Uh, the town we're from.
41
00:01:12,147 --> 00:01:13,572
We basically run the place.
42
00:01:13,723 --> 00:01:15,056
I'm Kelly Mallet, my honor.
43
00:01:15,150 --> 00:01:17,225
-And this is my coz, Shrub.
-(grunts)
44
00:01:17,319 --> 00:01:18,560
Maybe you've heard of me.
45
00:01:18,654 --> 00:01:19,653
I haven't.
46
00:01:19,747 --> 00:01:20,895
SHRUB:
Well, if you ever want
47
00:01:20,915 --> 00:01:22,656
to visit,
I can borrow Kelly's beanbag
48
00:01:22,750 --> 00:01:23,974
for all of your lounging needs.
49
00:01:24,067 --> 00:01:25,066
No, you can't.
50
00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:26,234
Are you kidding me right now?
51
00:01:26,253 --> 00:01:27,311
She's coming for the weekend.
52
00:01:27,329 --> 00:01:28,420
Wait, uh, that's not happening.
53
00:01:28,572 --> 00:01:29,496
Way to go, Kel.
54
00:01:29,648 --> 00:01:30,664
Okay, relax,
I'll buy you a slushie.
55
00:01:30,816 --> 00:01:32,240
Oh, (bleep) yeah.
56
00:01:32,334 --> 00:01:34,093
Did he just get a bleep?
57
00:01:34,261 --> 00:01:35,502
We don't get to do that here.
58
00:01:35,654 --> 00:01:38,246
Listen, we'll be
at the liquor store parking lot
59
00:01:38,324 --> 00:01:41,007
doing something sick
if you want to come through.
60
00:01:41,102 --> 00:01:42,175
-I don't.
-(chuckles)
61
00:01:42,252 --> 00:01:44,436
Okay. I will see you there.
62
00:01:44,663 --> 00:01:46,105
Billion-dollar idea--
63
00:01:46,332 --> 00:01:47,497
blue-flavored coffee.
64
00:01:47,516 --> 00:01:48,440
Red would be better.
65
00:01:48,667 --> 00:01:50,275
-And now you just ruined it.
-(laughs)
66
00:01:50,502 --> 00:01:51,668
Hey. Kitty Kat.
67
00:01:51,687 --> 00:01:52,686
Hello, Nick.
68
00:01:52,838 --> 00:01:53,946
Are you here as my landlord
69
00:01:54,097 --> 00:01:55,930
or just the annoying guy
from down the block?
70
00:01:55,950 --> 00:01:59,359
Or as the guy
she had pity sex with twice?
71
00:01:59,528 --> 00:02:00,360
Pity sex?
72
00:02:00,512 --> 00:02:02,195
That's the word on the street.
73
00:02:02,348 --> 00:02:04,081
Mm-hmm.
74
00:02:05,367 --> 00:02:06,516
Listen, can we talk in private?
75
00:02:06,535 --> 00:02:08,293
Uh, sorry.
Can't leave the counter.
76
00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:11,630
The, uh... 2:37 rush
is about to come in.
77
00:02:11,707 --> 00:02:13,132
Fine. Here's the deal.
78
00:02:13,283 --> 00:02:16,376
I asked around. What you're
paying in rent is under market.
79
00:02:16,528 --> 00:02:19,120
Yeah, well, I asked around
and no one likes you.
80
00:02:19,140 --> 00:02:22,549
Classic retort from the case
of Rubber v. Glue.
81
00:02:22,701 --> 00:02:24,868
"Bounce, me. Stick, you."
82
00:02:24,961 --> 00:02:26,645
Anyway, starting next month,
83
00:02:26,796 --> 00:02:28,647
café's rent goes up 40%.
84
00:02:28,798 --> 00:02:30,649
What? Is that even legal?
85
00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:32,985
-Scuse me.
-Yeah, my lawyer
looked through your lease.
86
00:02:33,136 --> 00:02:35,136
He said I could do whatever I
want. I was cutting you a break.
87
00:02:35,156 --> 00:02:36,822
40% is cutting me a break?
88
00:02:36,973 --> 00:02:38,548
I'm sorry,
could I just get a nonfat latte?
89
00:02:38,567 --> 00:02:40,033
Not right now!
90
00:02:41,387 --> 00:02:42,402
How can you even do this?
91
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:43,737
Look, I'm sorry.
It's not personal--
92
00:02:43,813 --> 00:02:45,055
it's just business.
93
00:02:45,224 --> 00:02:46,314
So, on the first of the month,
you'll owe me...
94
00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:47,482
Yeah, I was a math professor.
95
00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:48,834
I can do 40% in my head.
96
00:02:48,985 --> 00:02:50,577
(muttering):
Carry the five.
97
00:02:50,654 --> 00:02:52,229
Um, do we...
98
00:02:52,247 --> 00:02:53,505
Well, while you're crunching
the numbers there,
99
00:02:53,732 --> 00:02:56,066
you can also tack on 40%
for your apartment.
100
00:02:56,084 --> 00:02:57,234
Seriously?
101
00:02:57,252 --> 00:02:58,752
Again, it's not personal.
102
00:02:58,921 --> 00:03:00,070
Yeah, well, neither is this.
103
00:03:00,163 --> 00:03:02,497
You are
an absolute (bleeping) head
104
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:04,141
(bleep) wipe.
105
00:03:05,168 --> 00:03:07,744
Guess we do get to do that here.
106
00:03:08,505 --> 00:03:10,022
♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪
107
00:03:10,173 --> 00:03:12,524
♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪
108
00:03:13,602 --> 00:03:15,769
Hey, everyone,
I'm running some numbers.
109
00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:17,604
I'm trying to cut back on costs.
110
00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,589
How do y'all feel
about one-ply toilet paper?
111
00:03:19,608 --> 00:03:22,943
I will kindly ask that you
never speak of its existence
112
00:03:23,095 --> 00:03:25,186
in my presence again.
113
00:03:26,189 --> 00:03:28,114
Okay, well, add that
to the long list of things
114
00:03:28,209 --> 00:03:29,599
that Phil doesn't like,
115
00:03:29,618 --> 00:03:30,709
along with Spider-Man,
the musical,
116
00:03:30,860 --> 00:03:33,119
and pants
that unzip into shorts.
117
00:03:33,272 --> 00:03:34,362
You don't like zip-away pants?
118
00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:35,714
You're ready for everything.
119
00:03:35,865 --> 00:03:37,216
"Nice to meet you,
Mr. President.
120
00:03:37,367 --> 00:03:39,367
"Oh, would I like
to play basketball?
121
00:03:39,386 --> 00:03:40,385
"Yes! Of course!
122
00:03:40,537 --> 00:03:41,611
I'm already ready."
123
00:03:41,630 --> 00:03:43,447
Zip. Zip.
124
00:03:44,132 --> 00:03:46,892
How 'bout this?
Phil, could you make muffins
125
00:03:47,043 --> 00:03:49,286
with frozen blueberries
instead of fresh?
126
00:03:49,379 --> 00:03:52,356
Could you take your mouth
and shut it?
127
00:03:53,717 --> 00:03:55,308
Carter, can I talk to you
outside for a minute?
128
00:03:55,402 --> 00:03:56,235
Sure.
129
00:03:57,296 --> 00:03:59,571
Okay, so you know
that Nick bought my building,
130
00:03:59,798 --> 00:04:00,814
-raised my rent.
-Yeah.
131
00:04:00,908 --> 00:04:03,149
That guy's name
should be Dick Move.
132
00:04:03,244 --> 00:04:04,150
(chuckles):
Yeah.
133
00:04:04,245 --> 00:04:05,911
So what you gonna do?
134
00:04:06,062 --> 00:04:08,497
(sighs) Well,
I was hoping you could help me.
135
00:04:09,399 --> 00:04:11,065
Oh. I got you.
136
00:04:11,159 --> 00:04:12,233
I know a guy.
137
00:04:12,253 --> 00:04:13,252
No, that-that's
not what I meant.
138
00:04:13,328 --> 00:04:14,644
Yeah, of course it's not.
139
00:04:14,663 --> 00:04:15,996
No, I don't want you
threatening Nick
140
00:04:16,090 --> 00:04:17,481
-or anything like that.
-Yeah, yeah, sure.
141
00:04:17,574 --> 00:04:18,757
We good.
142
00:04:19,501 --> 00:04:21,318
No, no, no. That-That's
really not what I want.
143
00:04:21,411 --> 00:04:22,761
And that's exactly what
you should say
144
00:04:22,988 --> 00:04:24,263
if there's any questions.
145
00:04:24,490 --> 00:04:26,298
Can you stop texting whoever
you're texting? I just want
146
00:04:26,450 --> 00:04:28,492
to know what you would do
in my situation.
147
00:04:28,585 --> 00:04:30,418
Oh. Got you.
148
00:04:30,512 --> 00:04:32,437
Hey, I-I'll clear things up
with Freddie later.
149
00:04:32,589 --> 00:04:35,089
Don't worry.
He's kind of a procrastinator.
150
00:04:35,109 --> 00:04:37,350
Look, I'm-I'm trying
to reduce costs,
151
00:04:37,503 --> 00:04:40,094
I'm raising prices,
but it's just not enough.
152
00:04:40,114 --> 00:04:41,521
Maybe I should cancel
my health insurance.
153
00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:43,690
I'll be okay.
I come from hearty stock.
154
00:04:43,767 --> 00:04:45,175
Mm. Didn't your dad die young?
155
00:04:45,193 --> 00:04:46,809
Yeah, but I'm hoping
I get my mom's genes.
156
00:04:46,811 --> 00:04:48,787
She'll outlive us all.
When the machines take over,
157
00:04:49,014 --> 00:04:50,514
she'll be the last human alive,
158
00:04:50,532 --> 00:04:52,866
asking some robot
to help her with her email.
159
00:04:52,993 --> 00:04:55,460
Look, my biggest expense
is staff.
160
00:04:55,612 --> 00:04:56,853
And bathroom repairs.
161
00:04:56,946 --> 00:04:58,188
I mean, I don't know
what you women do in there,
162
00:04:58,206 --> 00:04:59,965
but y'all can wreck a bathroom.
163
00:05:00,192 --> 00:05:01,633
I can't cut back on staff.
164
00:05:01,860 --> 00:05:03,468
I've only got Phil and Randi.
165
00:05:03,695 --> 00:05:05,211
And they both serve
critical roles
166
00:05:05,306 --> 00:05:08,140
in the functioning
of this business.
167
00:05:13,872 --> 00:05:14,888
-That's a wellness activity.
-Mm-hmm.
168
00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:16,481
And it's really good
for staff morale.
169
00:05:16,708 --> 00:05:18,375
This is where it gets tough
to be the boss.
170
00:05:18,393 --> 00:05:20,210
You got to make
the hard decisions.
171
00:05:20,303 --> 00:05:21,653
And since Randi's my boo,
172
00:05:21,730 --> 00:05:23,304
the hard decision is Phil.
173
00:05:23,398 --> 00:05:24,881
No, that's not happening.
174
00:05:24,900 --> 00:05:26,140
I'll think of something else.
175
00:05:26,234 --> 00:05:27,734
-(phone chimes)
-(sighs)
176
00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:28,810
Uh-oh.
177
00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:30,070
Freddie and his boys
are rolling.
178
00:05:30,222 --> 00:05:31,496
I got to go.
179
00:05:35,894 --> 00:05:39,412
Come on. There's got to be
some superpower you'd want.
180
00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:41,155
Invisibility?
181
00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:44,417
Oh, please. Why would I want to
deprive people of all of this?
182
00:05:44,570 --> 00:05:45,660
(chuckles)
183
00:05:45,754 --> 00:05:46,903
What about you?
184
00:05:47,664 --> 00:05:50,574
I would like the ability
to make waffles in an instant.
185
00:05:50,667 --> 00:05:53,593
(laughs) So, wait, so, wait,
you'd be Waffle Man?
186
00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:54,853
Okay. So hear me out.
187
00:05:54,930 --> 00:05:56,388
Frozen ones
are a disappointment,
188
00:05:56,615 --> 00:05:58,598
and-and waffles from scratch
take too long.
189
00:05:58,750 --> 00:06:02,085
So if I could have
the perfect waffle anytime,
190
00:06:02,104 --> 00:06:03,362
whenever I wanted it,
191
00:06:03,589 --> 00:06:05,697
I think my life
would be complete.
192
00:06:06,925 --> 00:06:08,516
-I can get behind that.
-(chuckles)
193
00:06:08,610 --> 00:06:12,019
Drunk late-night partygoers,
have no fear.
194
00:06:12,114 --> 00:06:14,021
Waffle Man is here!
195
00:06:14,116 --> 00:06:16,023
He took that from me,
196
00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:17,667
Pancake Girl!
197
00:06:18,604 --> 00:06:19,878
You're both so cute.
198
00:06:20,029 --> 00:06:20,995
And so white.
199
00:06:21,106 --> 00:06:22,606
-Mwah.
-Mwah.
200
00:06:22,624 --> 00:06:23,773
So, how was your day?
201
00:06:23,867 --> 00:06:25,032
Big news. I'm playing piano
202
00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:26,868
for this fundraising event
on Saturday.
203
00:06:26,962 --> 00:06:28,870
Guess who's headlining.
Robin Thicke.
204
00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:31,038
(gasps)
Robin Thicke. He's awesome.
205
00:06:31,133 --> 00:06:32,782
And he has the best hair
I've ever seen.
206
00:06:32,801 --> 00:06:34,393
(gasps)
Excuse me?
207
00:06:34,561 --> 00:06:36,136
I said what I said.
208
00:06:37,289 --> 00:06:38,730
But how cool would it be
if you got to meet him
209
00:06:38,882 --> 00:06:40,123
and play him one of your songs?
210
00:06:40,142 --> 00:06:41,233
Ooh, and I just wrote a new one
211
00:06:41,460 --> 00:06:42,792
about growing up without a dad.
212
00:06:42,794 --> 00:06:44,385
Sounds like a real banger.
213
00:06:45,130 --> 00:06:46,479
Do you think
you could get me in?
214
00:06:46,632 --> 00:06:48,815
My badge says
"musician number three."
215
00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:50,150
What do you think?
216
00:06:50,393 --> 00:06:52,469
Okay, well, then I guess
I'll just have to sneak in.
217
00:06:52,562 --> 00:06:54,913
Please, you're a heavy-footed,
loud-talking fool.
218
00:06:55,064 --> 00:06:56,081
He is.
219
00:06:56,232 --> 00:06:58,475
-He's handsome Frankenstein.
-(chuckling)
220
00:06:58,568 --> 00:06:59,976
Well, then this is a job
221
00:06:59,995 --> 00:07:01,144
-for...
-No.
-Stop.
222
00:07:01,163 --> 00:07:02,570
...Waffle Man!
223
00:07:02,664 --> 00:07:07,092
I will just have
to sneak in syrup-titiously.
224
00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:10,820
Aw, where's Kat
when you need her?
225
00:07:11,506 --> 00:07:14,933
Hey, team. Y'all remember my
young friends Kelly and Shrub.
226
00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:15,934
We slushed it up.
227
00:07:16,161 --> 00:07:17,010
Brain freeze!
228
00:07:17,162 --> 00:07:18,770
-Aw! Lucky!
-Aah!
229
00:07:18,922 --> 00:07:20,163
What is happening?
230
00:07:20,256 --> 00:07:22,089
What's happening is
they didn't bring us slushies.
231
00:07:22,184 --> 00:07:23,442
That's what's happening.
232
00:07:23,669 --> 00:07:25,168
Sup, girl?
233
00:07:25,261 --> 00:07:26,853
"Sup" is not a word.
234
00:07:27,005 --> 00:07:29,339
I'm a grown-ass woman. And nope.
235
00:07:29,357 --> 00:07:30,356
Third time today. Roasted.
236
00:07:30,433 --> 00:07:31,691
Hey. Shooters got to shoot.
237
00:07:31,843 --> 00:07:33,100
You know how it is.
238
00:07:33,345 --> 00:07:35,770
-(chuckles) Hells to the yeah,
I know how it is.
-Uh-huh.
239
00:07:35,939 --> 00:07:38,582
It's arduous out there
for a player, am I right?
240
00:07:40,702 --> 00:07:41,868
Why don't y'all go upstairs?
241
00:07:42,020 --> 00:07:43,128
I'll be right up
to show you around.
242
00:07:43,279 --> 00:07:44,204
Uh, do you have a microwave?
243
00:07:44,298 --> 00:07:45,446
-Yeah.
-KELLY: Sweet!
244
00:07:45,540 --> 00:07:46,465
Pizza pockets all day!
245
00:07:46,616 --> 00:07:49,134
-All day!
-All day!
246
00:07:49,285 --> 00:07:50,802
Wait, you didn't adopt them,
did you?
247
00:07:50,954 --> 00:07:53,472
No, they're just renting
my place while they're in town.
248
00:07:53,623 --> 00:07:56,700
And where'd you get that,
the Bad Idea Hall of Fame?
249
00:07:56,793 --> 00:07:58,551
It's all part of the plan.
250
00:07:58,704 --> 00:08:01,313
Renting out my apartment,
tutoring some kids in math.
251
00:08:01,464 --> 00:08:03,039
Make a little extra cash,
the ole Ben Franklins.
252
00:08:03,132 --> 00:08:06,710
By the way, can we get that guy
his own musical?
253
00:08:06,728 --> 00:08:08,545
Where are you gonna stay?
254
00:08:08,563 --> 00:08:10,137
Don't worry.
I've got it all figured out.
255
00:08:10,232 --> 00:08:11,715
(rapid, loud footfalls)
256
00:08:11,733 --> 00:08:13,733
Um, sweet jams.
257
00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:17,387
Uh, do you have any
without cats?
258
00:08:17,405 --> 00:08:20,147
Same question but for underwear.
259
00:08:20,909 --> 00:08:23,502
You know she's gonna put
your drawers on, right?
260
00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:30,509
Thank you for letting me stay
with you, Mother.
261
00:08:30,660 --> 00:08:33,178
Of course, sweetheart.
You're always welcome.
262
00:08:33,347 --> 00:08:35,830
It's not permanent, right?
263
00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:38,091
We both know,
if that were the case,
264
00:08:38,243 --> 00:08:39,351
we'd end up on Dateline.
265
00:08:39,578 --> 00:08:40,519
It's just temporary
266
00:08:40,595 --> 00:08:42,929
till I can get my life
back together.
267
00:08:43,081 --> 00:08:44,672
Oh, dear God. Mm.
268
00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:46,933
Uh, well, just sign here.
269
00:08:47,085 --> 00:08:47,842
What is this?
270
00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:49,602
It's a standard agreement.
271
00:08:49,755 --> 00:08:52,522
It protects you as much
as it protects me, dear.
272
00:08:53,349 --> 00:08:55,608
"Mother's bedroom is off-limits.
273
00:08:55,761 --> 00:08:58,370
-"Tenants are on their own
for breakfast.
-Mm-hmm.
274
00:08:58,597 --> 00:09:00,764
$20-a-day resort fee"?
275
00:09:00,932 --> 00:09:02,023
Well, it includes Internet
276
00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:04,501
and access
to the fitness center.
277
00:09:06,863 --> 00:09:09,030
-You sure you don't want
a security deposit as well?
-No.
278
00:09:09,124 --> 00:09:11,441
I know you're tight on cash
right now.
279
00:09:11,534 --> 00:09:14,427
I'll just take any damages out
of my will.
280
00:09:17,966 --> 00:09:20,225
-Hi there.
-Oh! Not again.
281
00:09:21,044 --> 00:09:22,619
Well, you're...
282
00:09:22,621 --> 00:09:24,563
better-looking
than most of my male groupies,
283
00:09:24,714 --> 00:09:25,880
I'll give you that much.
284
00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:27,899
Oh. (chuckles)
I'm not a groupie.
285
00:09:28,051 --> 00:09:29,793
I-- Not that you aren't
very attractive.
286
00:09:29,886 --> 00:09:32,645
Uh, because you are. Even-even
better in person, by the way.
287
00:09:32,798 --> 00:09:34,130
Those eyes-- wow.
288
00:09:34,149 --> 00:09:35,481
Thank you. So what'll it be?
289
00:09:35,634 --> 00:09:37,075
You want the selfie,
the autograph
290
00:09:37,302 --> 00:09:38,484
or a strand of my hair?
291
00:09:38,653 --> 00:09:39,652
What?
292
00:09:39,779 --> 00:09:41,079
Well, you can't have all three,
brother.
293
00:09:41,230 --> 00:09:42,639
Unless you pay the 99 bucks
294
00:09:42,732 --> 00:09:45,733
-for the VIP Fan Club Package.
-Oh. (laughs)
295
00:09:45,752 --> 00:09:47,143
Right. Right.
(chuckles)
296
00:09:47,162 --> 00:09:48,812
I-I'm not here for any of that.
297
00:09:48,905 --> 00:09:50,922
Uh, uh, my name is Max Kingbird
and I'm a huge fan.
298
00:09:51,074 --> 00:09:53,650
And... whew,
I'm also a songwriter.
299
00:09:53,668 --> 00:09:55,485
And I'd like to play something
that I think
300
00:09:55,578 --> 00:09:56,820
would be perfect for you.
301
00:09:56,822 --> 00:09:58,579
And... (clears throat)
But... (clearing throat)
302
00:09:58,599 --> 00:10:00,673
First, do you think
I could grab some water?
303
00:10:00,826 --> 00:10:03,435
I'm a little nervous.
I get dry mouth. (grunts)
304
00:10:03,511 --> 00:10:05,995
Not a big sweater,
except for my feet.
305
00:10:06,014 --> 00:10:09,165
My shoes are like
hot tubs right now.
306
00:10:09,184 --> 00:10:10,834
That was dumb.
307
00:10:10,852 --> 00:10:12,927
This song's not about
any of this.
308
00:10:12,946 --> 00:10:14,929
Listen, man,
I'd love to hear it,
309
00:10:15,023 --> 00:10:16,356
but I got a show to do
in five minutes.
310
00:10:16,508 --> 00:10:18,617
Perfect.
My song's four and a half.
311
00:10:18,768 --> 00:10:22,512
Why don't you leave a demo,
and I'm gonna go get ready.
312
00:10:22,530 --> 00:10:23,346
-Okay.
-All right?
313
00:10:23,398 --> 00:10:25,031
-Sure. Yeah.
-Okay.
314
00:10:25,183 --> 00:10:27,626
-All right, thanks a lot,
brother.
-Here it is. It's right here.
315
00:10:27,777 --> 00:10:29,461
-Thank you.
-(door closes)
316
00:10:29,612 --> 00:10:31,546
Next to the brie.
317
00:10:39,364 --> 00:10:40,121
♪ ♪
318
00:10:40,289 --> 00:10:41,865
ROBIN:
Aw, are you serious?!
319
00:10:41,883 --> 00:10:44,717
I figure I'll never be alone
with you again, Robin Thicke.
320
00:10:44,870 --> 00:10:47,628
♪ I look around
and something's different ♪
321
00:10:47,648 --> 00:10:50,556
♪ Same old place that
I've always lived in ♪
322
00:10:50,709 --> 00:10:54,152
♪ But the walls seem
a little bit crooked now ♪
323
00:10:54,379 --> 00:10:56,212
♪ 'Cause you're not with me ♪
324
00:10:56,305 --> 00:10:58,898
♪ Walk through the park
we played in ♪
325
00:10:59,050 --> 00:11:01,234
♪ Everyone could see
there's something missing ♪
326
00:11:01,386 --> 00:11:05,738
♪ Even the birds have
stopped their whistling now ♪
327
00:11:05,891 --> 00:11:07,832
♪ They know I miss you ♪
328
00:11:08,059 --> 00:11:11,744
♪ And then I call your name ♪
329
00:11:11,897 --> 00:11:13,897
♪ And I look around ♪
330
00:11:13,915 --> 00:11:17,342
♪ And you're not there. ♪
331
00:11:17,493 --> 00:11:20,253
All right, pal,
you can't be in here.
332
00:11:20,405 --> 00:11:21,905
You called security on me.
333
00:11:21,998 --> 00:11:24,999
Well, you did break in
to my dressing room.
334
00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:27,001
You are correct.
335
00:11:27,170 --> 00:11:28,353
I like the song, though.
336
00:11:28,504 --> 00:11:29,354
Oh, my God, you do?
337
00:11:29,581 --> 00:11:31,247
He likes the song.
He likes my song.
338
00:11:31,266 --> 00:11:32,916
He likes my song.
Robin Thicke likes my song.
339
00:11:32,934 --> 00:11:34,693
Mm-hmm.
340
00:11:36,771 --> 00:11:40,423
I've found that strolling helps
keep my stress levels down.
341
00:11:40,442 --> 00:11:43,443
Really, Katharine,
no incline?
342
00:11:43,595 --> 00:11:45,278
-So does locking the door.
-(beeping)
343
00:11:45,430 --> 00:11:47,855
At least speed things up.
344
00:11:47,874 --> 00:11:52,043
Remember, sweat is failure
leaving the body.
345
00:11:52,270 --> 00:11:54,437
Oh, also, Max is here.
346
00:11:54,456 --> 00:11:56,105
What?! Oh!
347
00:11:56,124 --> 00:11:57,290
-Oh!
-Are you okay?
348
00:11:57,384 --> 00:11:59,776
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
I'm-I'm fine.
349
00:11:59,869 --> 00:12:01,627
How do you get off a treadmill?
350
00:12:01,780 --> 00:12:04,447
Uh, door open? Closed?
Not sure what to do.
351
00:12:04,466 --> 00:12:06,391
Katharine's never had
a boy in here.
352
00:12:06,468 --> 00:12:09,602
Closed, with you on
the other side of it.
353
00:12:11,806 --> 00:12:14,548
(sighs) Welcome to
the seventh circle of hell.
354
00:12:14,568 --> 00:12:17,551
I figured as much, that's why
I come bearing whiskey.
355
00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:20,646
Oh. Well, that'll get me
through the night.
356
00:12:20,799 --> 00:12:23,074
Can you bring more tomorrow?
357
00:12:23,151 --> 00:12:24,317
What's going on with you?
358
00:12:24,469 --> 00:12:27,320
Me? Uh, nothing much. I just...
359
00:12:27,472 --> 00:12:30,415
Oh, wow, that's a lot
of diaries.
360
00:12:30,566 --> 00:12:32,417
Yeah. That's just
freshman year of college.
361
00:12:32,644 --> 00:12:34,735
Oh, freshman year of college.
362
00:12:34,829 --> 00:12:36,162
Is there anything about me
in here?
363
00:12:36,314 --> 00:12:38,815
What? No.
No! No! No! No! Give it!
364
00:12:38,833 --> 00:12:41,167
Geez.
365
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:42,576
Oh.
366
00:12:42,596 --> 00:12:45,321
-This is my dad's
graduation card for me.
-Aw.
367
00:12:45,340 --> 00:12:49,175
"To my best gal-a-dictorian,
I'm so proud of you.
368
00:12:49,327 --> 00:12:51,177
"I'll be at the ceremony
cheering
369
00:12:51,329 --> 00:12:54,439
magna cum loudest of all."
(laughs)
370
00:12:54,516 --> 00:12:57,016
Apple, tree.
371
00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:58,610
I wish I was that good.
372
00:12:58,837 --> 00:13:01,613
"Can't wait to see what
the future holds for my kitten.
373
00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:03,172
"I love you, Dad. P.S.
374
00:13:03,191 --> 00:13:06,009
"Forgot to do the rap
I wrote at breakfast.
375
00:13:06,027 --> 00:13:08,194
Expect to hear it
at your party."
376
00:13:08,346 --> 00:13:10,863
Oh, yeah, that's right.
377
00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:12,698
Notorious D.A.D.
378
00:13:12,851 --> 00:13:14,959
Mo study, less problems.
379
00:13:15,962 --> 00:13:18,213
That's why we have
those journals.
380
00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:22,525
I'm not giving my dad
much to be proud of
381
00:13:22,618 --> 00:13:23,709
these days, am I?
382
00:13:23,804 --> 00:13:25,619
Stop.
383
00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:29,456
Sure, you fall, but you always
pick yourself back up.
384
00:13:29,534 --> 00:13:33,036
I know this because
you fall a lot.
385
00:13:33,129 --> 00:13:35,980
When I was little, they sent me
to a specialist.
386
00:13:36,207 --> 00:13:39,225
SHEILA:
Two grand to be
diagnosed with "clumsy."
387
00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:42,395
And that's why I still journal.
388
00:13:42,547 --> 00:13:45,306
Listen, you gotta
cut yourself some slack.
389
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:46,807
You're just going through
some stuff.
390
00:13:46,901 --> 00:13:48,976
You'll get out the other side.
391
00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:50,978
How are you so sure?
392
00:13:50,997 --> 00:13:54,648
Because you're Kat Silver,
and your superpower is
393
00:13:54,742 --> 00:13:57,001
that you're you.
394
00:13:59,655 --> 00:14:01,047
Thank you.
395
00:14:03,492 --> 00:14:05,659
SHEILA:
You guys need a condom?
396
00:14:05,679 --> 00:14:07,971
(both laugh)
397
00:14:10,075 --> 00:14:12,408
Okay, so, Kiera,
how would you factor
398
00:14:12,501 --> 00:14:15,836
four-X squared plus four-X-Y
plus Y-squared?
399
00:14:16,005 --> 00:14:17,930
I wouldn't.
400
00:14:18,766 --> 00:14:20,375
All right, why don't we
put the phone down
401
00:14:20,377 --> 00:14:22,085
for a minute and focus
on your homework.
402
00:14:22,178 --> 00:14:24,103
'Cause I bet if
factoring polynomials
403
00:14:24,180 --> 00:14:27,256
had an Instagram page,
you'd like it.
404
00:14:27,275 --> 00:14:29,442
Have you ever been married?
405
00:14:29,594 --> 00:14:32,186
That's not really relevant
to algebra.
406
00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:33,763
So no.
407
00:14:33,781 --> 00:14:36,708
I'll have you know
I was engaged.
408
00:14:36,859 --> 00:14:38,042
It just didn't work out.
409
00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:41,379
Was it because you're a cat lady
or a math nerd?
410
00:14:41,606 --> 00:14:44,531
Okay, I think that's
enough for today.
411
00:14:44,626 --> 00:14:48,277
But my mom paid for an hour.
It's only been 52 minutes.
412
00:14:48,296 --> 00:14:49,888
Oh, now you care about math?
413
00:14:50,115 --> 00:14:52,765
You're right, I don't.
414
00:14:54,210 --> 00:14:55,709
And by the way, would a nerd
415
00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:57,970
be elected guest princess
at the jousting tournament
416
00:14:58,064 --> 00:15:00,899
at the Renaissance Faire?
Methinks not!
417
00:15:01,050 --> 00:15:05,236
If you think you won that,
methinks not.
418
00:15:06,722 --> 00:15:10,074
I do not envy you having
to deal with kids these days.
419
00:15:10,226 --> 00:15:12,076
They have
the attention span of...
420
00:15:12,303 --> 00:15:15,062
-(phone chirps)
-Oh, look, I'm getting a text.
421
00:15:15,898 --> 00:15:17,231
You know, I think
it's gonna be fine.
422
00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:20,585
I'm starting to feel like
I have a way out of this.
423
00:15:20,736 --> 00:15:22,420
You know? My tutoring clients
will bring in
424
00:15:22,571 --> 00:15:23,421
about 400 bucks a month.
425
00:15:23,572 --> 00:15:25,423
(loud creaking)
426
00:15:25,650 --> 00:15:26,407
What's that?
427
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:27,817
It sounds like Mama's stomach
428
00:15:27,835 --> 00:15:30,386
the last 20 minutes of church.
429
00:15:31,339 --> 00:15:32,746
-(water splashing)
-What the...
430
00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:34,248
Uh-uh, I just got my hair done.
431
00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:35,433
Call me when it's over.
432
00:15:35,510 --> 00:15:37,435
(loud creaking)
433
00:15:37,662 --> 00:15:39,062
Sup, 502?
434
00:15:47,263 --> 00:15:50,990
-That tub turned itself on.
-Go!
435
00:15:51,693 --> 00:15:53,284
SHRUB:
Go, go, go, go!
436
00:15:58,607 --> 00:16:01,275
Where am I gonna find the money
to pay for all this?
437
00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:05,946
I know, I know.
I have to fire Phil.
438
00:16:05,966 --> 00:16:09,300
If you need it, I've got
a few bucks tucked away.
439
00:16:09,452 --> 00:16:12,619
Dollywood will still
be spectacular next year.
440
00:16:12,714 --> 00:16:14,547
Oh, you're so sweet.
441
00:16:14,699 --> 00:16:16,140
Why is he so sweet?
442
00:16:16,367 --> 00:16:17,867
It's like firing Santa Claus
and the Easter Bunny
443
00:16:17,885 --> 00:16:21,370
smushed together and squeezed
into boys size-12 pants.
444
00:16:21,389 --> 00:16:23,464
Phil, can we have a chat?
445
00:16:23,558 --> 00:16:25,817
Surely, girly.
446
00:16:26,894 --> 00:16:28,987
Um, we need to talk about
your job.
447
00:16:29,138 --> 00:16:33,432
Oh, it's not a job when you're
doing what you love.
448
00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:35,067
It's just that, um...
449
00:16:35,220 --> 00:16:37,996
Whew, gosh, how do I say this
without you hating me?
450
00:16:38,147 --> 00:16:39,980
I could never hate you.
451
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:44,669
Besides, hate is just love
that needs a hug.
452
00:16:44,820 --> 00:16:46,562
Oh, you're so folksy.
453
00:16:46,655 --> 00:16:51,175
Well, I'm no folksier than a pig
wearing suspenders to church.
454
00:16:52,828 --> 00:16:54,737
Okay, I don't get that one.
455
00:16:54,756 --> 00:16:56,997
But, um, here's the thing.
456
00:16:57,091 --> 00:17:00,076
I can't afford two employees.
457
00:17:00,169 --> 00:17:02,854
And I think you know
where this is headed.
458
00:17:03,081 --> 00:17:07,025
I do. Poor Randi.
459
00:17:09,921 --> 00:17:14,157
Actually, Phil, I'm gonna
have to let you go.
460
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:17,577
Oh.
461
00:17:19,764 --> 00:17:22,707
I'm so sorry. It's the last
thing I want to do.
462
00:17:22,934 --> 00:17:27,603
It is just so much cheaper
to buy pastries wholesale.
463
00:17:27,622 --> 00:17:28,880
Please don't be mad.
464
00:17:29,031 --> 00:17:32,032
Oh, I'm not mad.
I am furious!
465
00:17:32,126 --> 00:17:34,701
Oh, well, is furious just
happiness that needs a hug?
466
00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:38,539
I spend all day in that hot
sardine can of a kitchen!
467
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:40,299
All right, this is good.
Just get it all out.
468
00:17:40,451 --> 00:17:43,061
Getting up at 4:00
in the blessed morning
469
00:17:43,137 --> 00:17:47,047
to listen to you yammer on
about Max this, Oscar that.
470
00:17:47,067 --> 00:17:49,292
"Oops, I slept with Nick!"
471
00:17:49,385 --> 00:17:50,884
Okay, that's getting
a little personal.
472
00:17:50,904 --> 00:17:52,461
And then this is
the thanks I get?
473
00:17:52,480 --> 00:17:54,630
Good luck keeping this place
afloat without me!
474
00:17:54,723 --> 00:17:57,633
I just have one thing
left to say.
475
00:17:57,652 --> 00:17:59,994
I hate cats!
476
00:18:08,922 --> 00:18:11,330
-I already miss Phil.
-Me, too.
477
00:18:11,482 --> 00:18:13,574
He used to challenge me
to tickle fights,
478
00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:15,075
and I always said no.
479
00:18:15,095 --> 00:18:16,577
Shoulda, coulda, woulda.
480
00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:18,654
(phone vibrating)
481
00:18:18,673 --> 00:18:19,989
Hey, this is Max.
482
00:18:20,007 --> 00:18:22,675
No more gossiping about
customers with Phil.
483
00:18:22,827 --> 00:18:24,769
No more roasting your outfits.
484
00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:26,345
That was more you than him.
485
00:18:26,514 --> 00:18:28,331
Well, sometimes I gotta
give him one
486
00:18:28,424 --> 00:18:29,849
so I wouldn't come off too mean.
487
00:18:30,001 --> 00:18:31,592
Obviously, I keep the best ones
for myself.
488
00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:34,687
-Like this skirt...
-Yes, we all miss Phil.
489
00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:36,114
Y'all know
Phil's not dead, right?
490
00:18:36,265 --> 00:18:37,340
I mean, he's still our friend.
491
00:18:37,433 --> 00:18:40,176
-Even mine?
-Oh, hell no.
492
00:18:41,103 --> 00:18:42,787
I-I can't believe it.
This is amazing.
493
00:18:42,938 --> 00:18:44,789
Yeah. Great.
Okay, thanks again.
494
00:18:44,940 --> 00:18:47,533
That sounded like good news.
495
00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:48,851
No, it's no big deal.
496
00:18:48,870 --> 00:18:50,703
It's just the singer
I met the other night.
497
00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:52,964
-What singer?
-Robin Thicke.
498
00:18:53,115 --> 00:18:55,616
Oh, so he decided
not to press charges.
499
00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:56,859
That's a load off, huh?
500
00:18:57,879 --> 00:19:00,546
Robin Thicke? That's my favorite
judge on Masked Singer.
501
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,640
Super-hot Robin Thicke?
502
00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:04,291
Super-hot what now?
503
00:19:04,310 --> 00:19:06,051
Come on, baby, you know
he can pump up the tires,
504
00:19:06,204 --> 00:19:08,871
but you the only one
that get to ride the bike.
505
00:19:08,890 --> 00:19:10,039
(laughs)
506
00:19:10,041 --> 00:19:12,817
I played him my song
and he maybe...
507
00:19:12,968 --> 00:19:14,635
wants to record it.
I don't know, whatever.
508
00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:15,895
-Oh, my God!
-What?!
509
00:19:15,989 --> 00:19:17,396
Why would you
keep this a secret?
510
00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:18,805
I mean, you call me excited
when you open
511
00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:20,216
a shell with three peanuts.
512
00:19:20,385 --> 00:19:21,400
Well, I mean, first of all,
513
00:19:21,552 --> 00:19:22,809
that's awesome,
'cause, you know...
514
00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:24,887
-Bonus peanut, but...
-Bonus peanut.
515
00:19:24,906 --> 00:19:26,647
I feel weird
taking a victory lap
516
00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:28,557
when you're going through
such a hard time.
517
00:19:28,576 --> 00:19:30,817
No, you should never be afraid
to share with me,
518
00:19:30,837 --> 00:19:32,728
even if I'm having a hard time.
519
00:19:32,747 --> 00:19:33,913
We share everything.
520
00:19:34,065 --> 00:19:35,656
Like Robin Thicke's
phone number.
521
00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:38,134
Gimme, gimme, gimme...
522
00:19:39,420 --> 00:19:41,662
It's been ten minutes.
Can I get that coffee?
523
00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:43,556
Oh, I'm sorry.
524
00:19:48,021 --> 00:19:50,479
Oops, I spilled it.
525
00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:54,767
Hey, Randi,
when you get a chance,
526
00:19:54,861 --> 00:19:56,101
one of the cats missed
the litter box
527
00:19:56,254 --> 00:19:59,422
and took a giant steaming Nick
on the floor.
528
00:19:59,515 --> 00:20:01,532
Okay, very adult.
529
00:20:01,759 --> 00:20:04,076
Oh, I'll just go get
the Nick scooper.
530
00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:08,597
-Hmm.
-What?
531
00:20:08,616 --> 00:20:10,449
This isn't very good.
532
00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:12,210
Are you kidding me?
533
00:20:12,361 --> 00:20:14,437
I'm just saying,
the old ones were better.
534
00:20:14,455 --> 00:20:16,714
Do you want to know why
the old ones were better, Nick?
535
00:20:16,941 --> 00:20:18,532
The old ones were made by Phil.
536
00:20:18,701 --> 00:20:20,534
Phil makes his with love.
These are made
537
00:20:20,703 --> 00:20:22,720
in some industrial kitchen
in Pittsburgh
538
00:20:22,871 --> 00:20:26,373
with an acceptable percentage of
bug parts, according to the FDA.
539
00:20:26,392 --> 00:20:27,466
Okay, settle down.
540
00:20:27,618 --> 00:20:29,285
Settle down? You want me
to settle down?
541
00:20:29,303 --> 00:20:32,621
I have a café to run.
I have cats to find homes for,
542
00:20:32,715 --> 00:20:36,141
smug tweens to teach math to
against their will.
543
00:20:36,236 --> 00:20:38,644
I mean, Nick,
you came into my life and you
544
00:20:38,796 --> 00:20:40,129
essentially ruined it!
545
00:20:40,298 --> 00:20:42,573
You raised my rent, I had
to fire one of my best friends!
546
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:44,558
This, this is your fault!
547
00:20:44,652 --> 00:20:47,227
It is all your fault!
And I hate that--
548
00:20:47,396 --> 00:20:48,637
(wheezing)
549
00:20:48,731 --> 00:20:49,896
(gasps)
Kat?
550
00:20:50,065 --> 00:20:52,500
Help, I need help.
551
00:20:53,494 --> 00:20:54,669
This is not a bit.
552
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:02,485
I don't want the cats to worry.
553
00:21:02,578 --> 00:21:04,745
Just tell them Mommy's gone
to live on a farm.
554
00:21:04,839 --> 00:21:06,322
Stop it, you're gonna be fine.
555
00:21:06,415 --> 00:21:07,673
-You don't know that.
-(stammers)
556
00:21:07,825 --> 00:21:08,933
What the hell is wrong with you?
557
00:21:09,010 --> 00:21:10,326
I'm bad in an emergency.
558
00:21:10,495 --> 00:21:13,062
It's better
you find that out now.
559
00:21:14,515 --> 00:21:16,524
All right, we'll meet you
at the hospital.
560
00:21:17,259 --> 00:21:20,002
Oh, sweet baby Jesus!
561
00:21:20,021 --> 00:21:21,595
Kat, I am so sorry!
562
00:21:21,614 --> 00:21:25,766
When I made that voodoo doll,
I did not expect it to work.
563
00:21:25,860 --> 00:21:28,435
Make one for Nick,
and we're even.
564
00:21:28,454 --> 00:21:30,288
I will.
565
00:21:30,439 --> 00:21:32,623
Well, hello.
566
00:21:33,626 --> 00:21:35,960
♪ ♪
567
00:21:36,111 --> 00:21:40,022
♪ I want to get you dancing ♪
568
00:21:40,041 --> 00:21:43,718
♪ I want to see you move ♪
569
00:21:45,029 --> 00:21:48,139
♪ I've waited so long,
just ask me ♪
570
00:21:48,290 --> 00:21:51,976
♪ Do anything for you ♪
571
00:21:53,054 --> 00:21:57,039
♪ I want to see you move ♪
572
00:21:57,132 --> 00:21:59,391
♪ I want
to see you move. ♪
573
00:21:59,518 --> 00:22:02,302
Captioning sponsored by
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574
00:22:02,396 --> 00:22:06,073
Captioned by
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