1
00:00:05,731 --> 00:00:07,748
Innkeeper! Another round!
2
00:00:08,250 --> 00:00:10,926
(to Chia Pet tune):
Ch-Ch-Ch-Chee-eers!
3
00:00:11,828 --> 00:00:13,178
-Thank you, Carter.
-Yeah.
4
00:00:13,330 --> 00:00:16,573
And, uh, here you go, Carter.
5
00:00:16,592 --> 00:00:17,850
(laughs)
6
00:00:18,093 --> 00:00:20,853
What I want to know is, does
the carpet match the bushes?
7
00:00:21,080 --> 00:00:23,338
Don't be a ho-ho-ho
in front of Santa.
8
00:00:23,432 --> 00:00:24,356
I'm not Santa.
9
00:00:24,508 --> 00:00:26,583
I'm Euclid,
the father of geometry.
10
00:00:26,602 --> 00:00:30,678
Not Euclid of Alexandria,
Euclid of Megara. Duh.
11
00:00:30,698 --> 00:00:33,590
Well, I don't know
about Eu-clid, but Eu-dumb.
12
00:00:33,683 --> 00:00:34,775
(imitates Carter's laugh)
13
00:00:34,927 --> 00:00:37,661
That is what I would say.
(laughs)
14
00:00:40,190 --> 00:00:43,450
I was having trouble finding
this place with a helmet on,
15
00:00:43,602 --> 00:00:47,437
but then I realized...
this is the way.
16
00:00:47,531 --> 00:00:49,381
(laughter)
17
00:00:50,109 --> 00:00:52,551
(groans, pants)
18
00:00:54,221 --> 00:00:57,431
Nanu-nanu, everyone. (laughs)
19
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:00,967
Hey, Santa.
20
00:01:01,062 --> 00:01:05,046
When parallel lines extend
infinitely and never intersect,
21
00:01:05,066 --> 00:01:06,899
is that called Santa's law?!
22
00:01:07,050 --> 00:01:10,069
I don't know, but if there was
a cop show called Santa's Law,
23
00:01:10,220 --> 00:01:11,403
I'm watching it. (laughs)
24
00:01:11,555 --> 00:01:14,073
Okay, you got
to get up out of my head.
25
00:01:15,317 --> 00:01:17,968
Seems kind of dead
for Hallo-Octoweenerfest.
26
00:01:18,061 --> 00:01:19,486
The concept couldn't be
more clear.
27
00:01:19,638 --> 00:01:22,081
It combines the best
of Halloween and Oktoberfest
28
00:01:22,308 --> 00:01:23,582
with 200 pounds of sausage
I bought
29
00:01:23,733 --> 00:01:25,084
from a guy at the airport.
30
00:01:25,235 --> 00:01:26,401
(with German accent):
Guten Tag.
31
00:01:26,495 --> 00:01:29,463
Free wieners, fahrvergnügen?
32
00:01:30,907 --> 00:01:34,284
Okay, baby, I love you,
but this Hallo-Octoweenerfest
33
00:01:34,286 --> 00:01:36,578
is the stupidest idea
you've ever had.
34
00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:38,079
Oh, I'm being Randi now.
35
00:01:38,099 --> 00:01:40,173
Uh, if you want more people,
36
00:01:40,250 --> 00:01:41,658
why not just have
a Ladies' Night?
37
00:01:41,677 --> 00:01:43,268
Carter's right, Carter.
38
00:01:43,420 --> 00:01:44,603
Then the number of men
in the bar
39
00:01:44,754 --> 00:01:46,421
will be equal to the number
of women in the bar
40
00:01:46,590 --> 00:01:49,850
multiplied by the number of
drinks at half price. (laughs)
41
00:01:50,794 --> 00:01:53,654
Okay, I'm Santa,
and you're all getting coal.
42
00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:56,115
Ah. Hello, all.
43
00:01:56,283 --> 00:02:00,101
Happy...
whatever this fiasco is.
44
00:02:01,196 --> 00:02:05,198
Sheila, we told you
we were all gonna dress up.
45
00:02:05,292 --> 00:02:08,201
I know.
I'm going as Drunk Sheila.
46
00:02:08,295 --> 00:02:10,629
Let me get into costume.
47
00:02:11,690 --> 00:02:14,358
Oh. Got rejected again.
48
00:02:14,451 --> 00:02:17,285
Like, you stalk one sperm donor,
and all of a sudden,
49
00:02:17,379 --> 00:02:20,197
you're banned from every
spank bank in Kentucky.
50
00:02:20,199 --> 00:02:21,473
Oh, I'm sorry.
51
00:02:21,700 --> 00:02:24,143
Maybe it's a sign I'm just
never gonna be a mother.
52
00:02:24,294 --> 00:02:27,396
Your hideous Santa outfit
was a bigger sign.
53
00:02:31,301 --> 00:02:34,378
(rock music plays quietly)
54
00:02:34,396 --> 00:02:36,471
Kat?
55
00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:37,714
Over here!
56
00:02:37,825 --> 00:02:40,993
Why are you wearing that helmet
if you can't see?
57
00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:46,165
Because I look cool.
58
00:02:46,392 --> 00:02:47,332
Do you?
59
00:02:47,484 --> 00:02:51,378
(groans)
Big talk coming from Math Santa.
60
00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:54,822
Can I ask you a question?
61
00:02:54,917 --> 00:02:56,175
If you want
to be Carter next year, no,
62
00:02:56,326 --> 00:02:57,659
-I already called it.
-(laughs)
63
00:02:57,753 --> 00:03:01,180
I was thinking about...
64
00:03:01,407 --> 00:03:03,182
(sighs)
65
00:03:03,333 --> 00:03:05,091
Well...
66
00:03:05,244 --> 00:03:08,103
what if I fathered your child?
67
00:03:08,931 --> 00:03:10,689
Are you serious?
68
00:03:11,583 --> 00:03:12,733
Yeah.
69
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:15,736
Wow.
70
00:03:17,105 --> 00:03:18,363
You don't think it'd be weird?
71
00:03:18,515 --> 00:03:21,441
It's only weird
if you make it weird.
72
00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:22,850
I'm currently wearing a beard
73
00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,428
and historically accurate
underwear.
74
00:03:24,446 --> 00:03:27,706
-I make everything weird.
-(laughs)
75
00:03:27,933 --> 00:03:29,691
♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪
76
00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:31,752
♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪
77
00:03:32,621 --> 00:03:34,195
Max, I never thought
78
00:03:34,215 --> 00:03:36,957
about asking someone I know
to father my baby.
79
00:03:37,109 --> 00:03:38,775
Why not?
80
00:03:38,868 --> 00:03:43,055
I'd be helping someone I love
by doing something I love.
81
00:03:43,966 --> 00:03:45,949
Would you want to be involved
in their life?
82
00:03:45,968 --> 00:03:50,211
If you want. I could be, like,
a cool uncle who's also a dad.
83
00:03:50,305 --> 00:03:52,956
You know, buy him beer,
give him the sex talk,
84
00:03:52,975 --> 00:03:55,308
show him how
to clear his browser history.
85
00:03:55,461 --> 00:03:56,960
(laughs)
86
00:03:57,053 --> 00:04:00,489
So, what do you think?
87
00:04:01,316 --> 00:04:03,492
♪ ♪
88
00:04:06,472 --> 00:04:08,321
Hello, Mother.
89
00:04:08,474 --> 00:04:10,565
Hello, sweetie.
How was your game?
90
00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:12,476
We won,
but the part I liked best
91
00:04:12,494 --> 00:04:14,661
was working together
as a team.
92
00:04:14,813 --> 00:04:18,164
You should've seen him.
He scored all the team's points
93
00:04:18,241 --> 00:04:20,500
and sang a medley
of showtunes at halftime.
94
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:24,579
And at school I got all A's
and said "no" to drugs.
95
00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:28,916
Oh, Max Jr., you must be
the most popular boy at school.
96
00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:31,436
(laughs)
I'm gonna leave you two alone.
97
00:04:31,588 --> 00:04:33,497
I'll be back when
it's most convenient for you
98
00:04:33,590 --> 00:04:35,774
regardless of my life
and schedule.
99
00:04:35,925 --> 00:04:36,942
Bye, sport.
100
00:04:37,093 --> 00:04:38,460
-Bye, Uncle Dad!
-Bye!
101
00:04:38,462 --> 00:04:40,112
(door closes)
102
00:04:41,006 --> 00:04:43,023
I think we should do it.
103
00:04:43,175 --> 00:04:45,767
Yes! SilverBird flies again!
104
00:04:45,861 --> 00:04:47,677
(Kat laughs)
105
00:04:47,771 --> 00:04:49,513
And-and I don't mean do it.
106
00:04:49,531 --> 00:04:51,698
I mean, make a baby. 'Cause,
like, we wouldn't be doing it.
107
00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:53,199
You know, you'd be
masturbating. Like...
108
00:04:53,294 --> 00:04:54,534
-Right.
-(whistles)
109
00:04:54,686 --> 00:04:55,702
(imitates hoofbeats)
110
00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:58,038
(imitates old-timey car horn)
111
00:04:58,132 --> 00:04:59,614
And now it's weird.
112
00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:01,133
It's how I do. (laughs)
113
00:05:02,194 --> 00:05:03,860
(both laugh)
114
00:05:03,879 --> 00:05:08,289
Oh, Katharine, you've made me
the happiest woman in the world.
115
00:05:08,383 --> 00:05:13,036
Hopefully, Max's genes
will offset all of... this.
116
00:05:13,129 --> 00:05:17,040
Hopefully, my mothering skills
will offset all of this.
117
00:05:17,133 --> 00:05:21,061
So you and Max are finally
gonna mash potatoes?
118
00:05:21,213 --> 00:05:22,879
Nobody's mashing potatoes.
119
00:05:22,898 --> 00:05:24,881
He's just...
giving her his gravy.
120
00:05:24,900 --> 00:05:26,049
Oh!
121
00:05:26,218 --> 00:05:27,642
Yeah, we're gonna use the eggs
that I froze.
122
00:05:27,736 --> 00:05:29,328
It's all gonna be done in a lab.
123
00:05:29,404 --> 00:05:31,905
But I did request that they play
"Let's Get It On."
124
00:05:32,074 --> 00:05:35,241
-(drill whirring)
-Oh, damn. My boyfriend's
125
00:05:35,318 --> 00:05:36,726
on a ladder with a power tool.
126
00:05:36,895 --> 00:05:39,421
Somebody dial
the first two numbers of 911.
127
00:05:40,323 --> 00:05:41,898
Carter, what are you doing?
128
00:05:41,917 --> 00:05:44,568
Your idea.
We're having a Ladies' Night.
129
00:05:44,586 --> 00:05:46,086
Check it out.
130
00:05:46,162 --> 00:05:49,664
"Ladies drink for half price,
free sausage tonight only."
131
00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:51,499
Yeah, but it looks like,
132
00:05:51,593 --> 00:05:55,520
"Ladies for free tonight,
drink half-price sausage only."
133
00:05:55,672 --> 00:05:58,565
Hmm. I'd go to that bar.
134
00:06:00,194 --> 00:06:01,526
Oh, excuse me, ladies.
135
00:06:01,678 --> 00:06:02,861
We haven't been this busy
136
00:06:03,088 --> 00:06:04,588
since they used this place
as a storm shelter.
137
00:06:04,681 --> 00:06:07,699
I mean, Hurricane Chelsea
was Hurricane Cha-Ching.
138
00:06:07,851 --> 00:06:10,184
(laughs) Well, I don't like
to say I told you so,
139
00:06:10,278 --> 00:06:13,780
but I'm beautiful, smart, and
not humble, so I told you so.
140
00:06:13,932 --> 00:06:16,524
-(laughs)
-Yeah, Middle C is poppin'.
141
00:06:16,543 --> 00:06:18,877
It's getting Orville Redenbacher
up in here.
142
00:06:19,104 --> 00:06:21,046
Come on, Kat.
You can do "butter" than that.
143
00:06:21,197 --> 00:06:23,048
(Kat cackles)
144
00:06:23,199 --> 00:06:26,367
-I hope our baby's
not too funny.
-Right?
145
00:06:26,387 --> 00:06:27,961
Right? (laughs)
146
00:06:28,113 --> 00:06:31,038
This is why we need
more Black friends.
147
00:06:31,133 --> 00:06:33,558
(laughing)
148
00:06:34,953 --> 00:06:39,623
Oh, my goodness,
it's Queen Dicktoria!
149
00:06:39,641 --> 00:06:41,549
-Oh.
-She's my absolute
150
00:06:41,643 --> 00:06:42,809
favorite drag queen.
151
00:06:42,961 --> 00:06:44,736
Oh. Stunning!
152
00:06:44,963 --> 00:06:47,130
She puts all the women here
to shame.
153
00:06:47,223 --> 00:06:51,201
-This is where you say,
"Not you, Sheila."
-Oh.
154
00:06:52,562 --> 00:06:55,972
Martini, mojito
and a double tequila shot.
155
00:06:56,065 --> 00:06:59,901
-Girl, what did he do?
-(laughter)
156
00:06:59,995 --> 00:07:01,478
We all love your hair.
157
00:07:01,496 --> 00:07:03,404
Well, let me let you in
on a little secret.
158
00:07:03,573 --> 00:07:05,331
I'm thinking
about growing it out.
159
00:07:05,426 --> 00:07:07,259
(laughter)
160
00:07:07,486 --> 00:07:09,261
Carter's got some fans tonight.
161
00:07:09,430 --> 00:07:11,004
Yeah,
I've surrounded my boyfriend
162
00:07:11,098 --> 00:07:12,989
with young, hot, drunk women.
163
00:07:12,991 --> 00:07:15,842
Should've just let him die
on that ladder.
164
00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:19,104
Queen Dicktoria,
this is my friend Phil.
165
00:07:19,214 --> 00:07:23,349
-Hello.
-Enchanté, Your Vag-esty.
166
00:07:23,502 --> 00:07:26,111
-(laughs)
-Phil's a performer, too.
167
00:07:26,338 --> 00:07:27,946
-Oh.
-He once clogged
168
00:07:28,173 --> 00:07:30,340
in the country dancers show
at Dollywood.
169
00:07:30,358 --> 00:07:32,951
Could I see some
of that clogging?
170
00:07:33,102 --> 00:07:36,346
Oh, you don't want
to see an old man like me dance.
171
00:07:36,348 --> 00:07:40,459
I'm sorry. Are you refusing
a royal request?
172
00:07:45,207 --> 00:07:46,465
So, are you nervous
173
00:07:46,616 --> 00:07:49,209
about whisking up
the old baby batter tomorrow?
174
00:07:49,361 --> 00:07:50,710
Don't worry. I got this.
175
00:07:50,862 --> 00:07:52,712
I spent six months sleeping
in a trailer with two clowns
176
00:07:52,789 --> 00:07:56,049
and a trapeze artist,
and I still got my reps in.
177
00:07:56,201 --> 00:07:57,642
Two clowns and a trapeze artist?
178
00:07:57,869 --> 00:08:00,628
Is that what you call
your junk in front of the trunk?
179
00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:03,556
No, it's when I was with
the traveling circus in England.
180
00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:05,742
You were in the circus?
181
00:08:05,744 --> 00:08:08,394
Yeah, I was doing my field work
and finishing my degree.
182
00:08:08,471 --> 00:08:09,729
And one night,
I got really drunk,
183
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:13,641
and well, when I woke up,
I worked for the circus.
184
00:08:13,735 --> 00:08:15,309
You know how it goes.
185
00:08:15,329 --> 00:08:18,388
I-I do not know how that goes.
186
00:08:18,406 --> 00:08:20,332
Although this one time,
I got pretty drunk,
187
00:08:20,483 --> 00:08:21,983
and I ate a third
of a box of Total.
188
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:24,077
That is a young woman's game.
189
00:08:24,229 --> 00:08:25,745
-(chuckles)
-Mm.
190
00:08:25,897 --> 00:08:27,397
What did you do in the circus?
191
00:08:27,415 --> 00:08:29,733
Oh, a bunch of stuff.
Uh, played in the band,
192
00:08:29,751 --> 00:08:30,825
set up the tents,
193
00:08:30,919 --> 00:08:33,920
helped the cute contortionist
limber up.
194
00:08:34,072 --> 00:08:35,347
When did you finish your degree?
195
00:08:35,498 --> 00:08:37,999
So that's kind of
my dirty little secret.
196
00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:39,759
I never graduated.
197
00:08:39,836 --> 00:08:41,520
(laughs)
198
00:08:41,747 --> 00:08:44,856
I can't believe you never
told me this. You're...
199
00:08:45,083 --> 00:08:47,100
(whispering):
You're a drop-out?
200
00:08:47,252 --> 00:08:48,752
What's the big deal?
201
00:08:48,845 --> 00:08:50,270
I mean, I'm a musician.
202
00:08:50,422 --> 00:08:52,422
For me,
a degree was kind of pointless.
203
00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:54,866
You know, like... like flossing.
204
00:08:55,093 --> 00:08:57,443
Oh, so... so now you're against
higher education
205
00:08:57,538 --> 00:08:58,428
and oral hygiene?
206
00:08:58,446 --> 00:09:00,187
Max, do you like nothing fun?
207
00:09:00,265 --> 00:09:04,358
I'm just saying, you have a
degree, and you own a cat café.
208
00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:06,211
Yeah, and getting that degree
taught me
209
00:09:06,362 --> 00:09:08,454
about hard work
and perseverance.
210
00:09:08,549 --> 00:09:11,383
You want to talk about
hard work and perseverance?
211
00:09:11,610 --> 00:09:14,127
Spend six years putting up
a circus tent in a wind storm
212
00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:16,596
while a mime goes...
213
00:09:19,042 --> 00:09:20,300
Six years?
214
00:09:20,394 --> 00:09:22,135
Well, it wasn't
six years nonstop.
215
00:09:22,229 --> 00:09:24,954
I'd work a few months,
drift around,
216
00:09:25,048 --> 00:09:26,380
sleeping where I could.
217
00:09:26,474 --> 00:09:27,624
There's a lot
of abandoned castles in Europe.
218
00:09:27,642 --> 00:09:28,958
It was awesome.
219
00:09:29,127 --> 00:09:31,961
Yeah, that-that doesn't sound
awesome.
220
00:09:32,130 --> 00:09:33,463
Trust me,
if you're in the Greek isles,
221
00:09:33,598 --> 00:09:37,033
and you look like me,
it's awesome.
222
00:09:38,486 --> 00:09:40,036
(laughs nervously)
223
00:09:44,233 --> 00:09:46,067
-All right now.
-(bell clangs)
224
00:09:46,128 --> 00:09:47,143
Closing time!
225
00:09:47,162 --> 00:09:48,478
Lights coming up.
226
00:09:48,496 --> 00:09:50,997
A lot of you eights about
to turn into fours.
227
00:09:51,149 --> 00:09:52,924
Babe, what are you doing?
228
00:09:53,076 --> 00:09:54,759
Nobody rings that bell but me.
229
00:09:55,596 --> 00:09:56,820
And you.
230
00:09:56,913 --> 00:09:59,431
It's 2:00 a.m.
You usually close at midnight.
231
00:09:59,582 --> 00:10:02,300
Yeah, but my friends are still
drinking, and we're having fun.
232
00:10:02,527 --> 00:10:05,328
Oh. Did you know that you can
make your porn name
233
00:10:05,347 --> 00:10:07,497
by combining
the name of your first pet
234
00:10:07,515 --> 00:10:09,165
and the street
that you grew up on?
235
00:10:09,184 --> 00:10:10,758
I'm Corky 95th.
236
00:10:10,852 --> 00:10:14,838
Oh, so is that what you and
your friends talk about? Porn?
237
00:10:15,006 --> 00:10:16,522
Oh. Well, we talk
about a lot of stuff.
238
00:10:16,675 --> 00:10:19,117
Like, Monica's going through
a divorce, Tina's a single mom,
239
00:10:19,268 --> 00:10:22,603
and Lauren... Well, Lauren does
talk about porn a lot.
240
00:10:22,623 --> 00:10:25,272
She's got daddy issues.
241
00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:27,533
I cannot believe how late it is.
242
00:10:27,628 --> 00:10:29,702
Oh, I know. When I get home,
I'm gonna tuck myself in.
243
00:10:29,855 --> 00:10:32,797
Which is not the first time
I've done that tonight.
244
00:10:32,949 --> 00:10:35,208
(both laugh)
245
00:10:36,361 --> 00:10:39,804
Well, I... I'm so glad
I got to meet you.
246
00:10:39,956 --> 00:10:44,142
Me, too. Maybe we'll run
into each other again sometime?
247
00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:47,036
Well, I'm the baker at
the coffee shop across the way.
248
00:10:47,130 --> 00:10:48,462
I'd brag about my sticky buns,
249
00:10:48,556 --> 00:10:50,464
but that's no way
to talk to a lady.
250
00:10:50,558 --> 00:10:55,211
Honey, I may be a queen,
but I'm no lady.
251
00:10:55,230 --> 00:10:56,804
-Oh! (laughs)
-(laughs)
252
00:10:56,898 --> 00:10:59,048
(Phil sighs)
253
00:10:59,067 --> 00:11:00,700
Good night, Phil.
254
00:11:01,569 --> 00:11:03,578
Night night.
255
00:11:05,407 --> 00:11:07,582
(door opens)
256
00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:09,817
(door closes)
257
00:11:09,911 --> 00:11:11,461
Oh.
258
00:11:16,843 --> 00:11:18,677
♪ ♪
259
00:11:22,498 --> 00:11:24,516
What's up?
260
00:11:24,743 --> 00:11:26,426
Hi, sweetie. How was school?
261
00:11:26,578 --> 00:11:28,261
Yeah, I didn't go.
262
00:11:28,413 --> 00:11:31,915
What?! You skipped school?
263
00:11:31,933 --> 00:11:33,358
Yeah.
264
00:11:33,435 --> 00:11:35,509
I'm gonna drop out, play music,
265
00:11:35,529 --> 00:11:38,512
and get with circus chicks
just like Uncle Dad.
266
00:11:38,532 --> 00:11:42,183
Yeah, buddy.
Quitters for life! (groans)
267
00:11:42,277 --> 00:11:43,927
But what about your future?
268
00:11:43,945 --> 00:11:47,872
Mom, it's okay.
I'm good-looking.
269
00:11:48,099 --> 00:11:49,749
That's my boy.
270
00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:53,503
I'm gonna go clear
my browser history.
271
00:11:58,777 --> 00:12:01,219
(gasps)
That settles it.
272
00:12:01,370 --> 00:12:04,431
No child of mine is gonna be
good-looking!
273
00:12:05,708 --> 00:12:07,374
(TV plays quietly)
274
00:12:07,427 --> 00:12:10,395
Hey, baby.
What you still doing up?
275
00:12:10,546 --> 00:12:11,879
Oh.
276
00:12:12,048 --> 00:12:15,308
You want a little bit
of Corky 95th?
277
00:12:15,460 --> 00:12:18,403
It's almost 4:00
in the morning.
278
00:12:18,554 --> 00:12:21,222
Sorry. I got stuck
279
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:24,242
in a rainstorm! (laughs)
280
00:12:24,469 --> 00:12:26,745
Well, I'm glad
you had a good night.
281
00:12:26,896 --> 00:12:28,321
Now can you pick up
all this money
282
00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:30,306
that's covered
in hoochie cooties?
283
00:12:30,325 --> 00:12:33,142
Hold up. What's going on?
284
00:12:33,161 --> 00:12:35,069
Are you jealous?
285
00:12:35,163 --> 00:12:37,313
-(scoffs) No!
-Huh?
286
00:12:37,332 --> 00:12:39,573
I think you are.
That's the same face you made
287
00:12:39,593 --> 00:12:42,001
when I took the last Cheddar
Bay Biscuit at Red Lobster.
288
00:12:42,153 --> 00:12:44,929
Excuse you. I am a strong,
independent woman.
289
00:12:45,081 --> 00:12:47,581
I don't get jealous.
And that biscuit was mine.
290
00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:49,416
-You had two,
and I only had one!
-Mm.
291
00:12:49,511 --> 00:12:53,012
Which is why I'm gonna buy you
all the biscuits you want
292
00:12:53,164 --> 00:12:55,665
to go with that jelly!
293
00:12:55,683 --> 00:12:57,000
And-and... and just so you know,
294
00:12:57,093 --> 00:12:58,835
you looked really stupid
trying to be all flirty.
295
00:12:58,928 --> 00:13:00,928
Well, I was being charming.
That's just good business.
296
00:13:00,947 --> 00:13:02,447
And what do you know
about business?
297
00:13:02,674 --> 00:13:04,932
Well, I know enough to have
a lot more Ladies' Nights.
298
00:13:05,026 --> 00:13:06,692
Fine. That's okay.
I don't even give a damn.
299
00:13:06,845 --> 00:13:10,980
It's a bad move picking a fight
a week before Lobsterfest!
300
00:13:11,032 --> 00:13:13,625
(groans)
301
00:13:14,443 --> 00:13:15,794
Hi.
302
00:13:15,945 --> 00:13:17,629
You ready to go? I'm parked
in a red zone, and I really
303
00:13:17,856 --> 00:13:19,947
don't want to explain to a cop
that I'm about to go...
304
00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:21,782
(whistles,
imitates cartoon noises)
305
00:13:21,876 --> 00:13:23,251
...for a friend.
306
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:25,878
Wow. That sounds stressful.
307
00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:27,563
Maybe we should postpone.
308
00:13:27,565 --> 00:13:30,366
I've heard that stressed-out
sperm can lead to redheads.
309
00:13:30,385 --> 00:13:31,476
I don't want to postpone.
310
00:13:31,627 --> 00:13:33,127
They made me abstain
for three days
311
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:34,370
before this appointment.
312
00:13:34,463 --> 00:13:37,040
I had to shower
wearing oven mitts.
313
00:13:37,058 --> 00:13:38,316
Are we rushing into this?
314
00:13:38,467 --> 00:13:40,634
I mean,
yes, we're great friends,
315
00:13:40,728 --> 00:13:42,211
but would we be great parents?
316
00:13:42,230 --> 00:13:43,379
Like,
you're a little bit country,
317
00:13:43,398 --> 00:13:44,638
I'm a little bit rock and roll.
318
00:13:44,807 --> 00:13:46,566
You're Netflix, I'm more Hulu.
319
00:13:46,660 --> 00:13:48,067
Hello, Hulu viewers.
320
00:13:48,144 --> 00:13:50,978
I hope you're enjoying
Season Three, Episode Five.
321
00:13:50,997 --> 00:13:53,056
Are you getting cold feet?
322
00:13:53,074 --> 00:13:54,407
You're gonna be a great mom.
323
00:13:54,559 --> 00:13:56,835
You're patient,
you're nurturing.
324
00:13:57,062 --> 00:13:59,653
-Yeah, I'm not worried about me.
-Oh.
325
00:13:59,747 --> 00:14:01,655
Oh, so you're worried about me?
326
00:14:01,749 --> 00:14:03,490
I-I'm worried about my child.
327
00:14:03,585 --> 00:14:04,676
I-I want to make sure
328
00:14:04,827 --> 00:14:06,903
I give them every opportunity
to succeed.
329
00:14:06,996 --> 00:14:08,905
Oh, okay.
330
00:14:08,998 --> 00:14:10,331
I get it now.
331
00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:12,408
You don't think I'm good enough
to be the father?
332
00:14:12,427 --> 00:14:14,594
Max, you're-you're great.
It's just, like, um...
333
00:14:14,688 --> 00:14:17,522
I think higher education
is really important.
334
00:14:17,673 --> 00:14:20,024
You dropped out of school
to join the circus
335
00:14:20,251 --> 00:14:21,860
and make pervy pretzels
with the bendy girls.
336
00:14:22,011 --> 00:14:25,179
-And you're so perfect?
-Well, I-I... I didn't say that.
337
00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:26,272
Because there are things
about you
338
00:14:26,366 --> 00:14:27,940
that I wouldn't want
to see in my kid.
339
00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:29,258
Really? Like what?
340
00:14:29,277 --> 00:14:30,943
Clumsy, allergic to avocado,
341
00:14:31,096 --> 00:14:33,538
mean to only person
who wants to give her sperm.
342
00:14:33,689 --> 00:14:35,448
I'm not allergic to avocado.
343
00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:38,042
I use it as a test to make sure
the waiter's listening.
344
00:14:38,194 --> 00:14:40,545
-You know what?
Do whatever you want.
-Wait.
345
00:14:40,696 --> 00:14:42,939
You're just gonna leave
mid-argument? God, Max,
346
00:14:42,957 --> 00:14:44,698
it's like
you can't finish anything.
347
00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:46,609
Oh, I'm gonna finish something.
348
00:14:46,702 --> 00:14:50,096
And then I'm gonna take a nap,
and I'm gonna finish it again!
349
00:14:57,230 --> 00:15:00,306
♪ Believe it or not
I'm cloggin' on air ♪
350
00:15:00,458 --> 00:15:05,194
♪ I never thought
I could feel so free-ee-ee. ♪
351
00:15:06,798 --> 00:15:07,964
(laughs)
352
00:15:07,982 --> 00:15:10,466
Is this all
to impress Queen Dicktoria?
353
00:15:10,559 --> 00:15:12,744
Did she tell you
she was stopping by?
354
00:15:12,895 --> 00:15:14,837
No, but she knows I work here,
355
00:15:14,839 --> 00:15:15,972
and the last thing she said was
356
00:15:16,065 --> 00:15:18,141
maybe she'll run
into me sometime.
357
00:15:18,234 --> 00:15:20,734
Ooh. Sounds to me
like you got curved.
358
00:15:20,754 --> 00:15:22,253
Totes Magee.
359
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:23,829
What's curved?
360
00:15:23,924 --> 00:15:26,149
What the hell is Totes Magee?
361
00:15:26,167 --> 00:15:28,651
"Curved" is just a gentle way
of turning you down.
362
00:15:28,670 --> 00:15:31,262
Like, did she offer
to give you her number?
363
00:15:31,489 --> 00:15:33,747
-No.
-Or ask for yours?
364
00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:36,492
Oh, no. (sniffles)
365
00:15:36,511 --> 00:15:39,228
I done been curved.
366
00:15:43,501 --> 00:15:44,591
Oh!
367
00:15:44,686 --> 00:15:46,185
(Phil cries)
368
00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:48,337
-Hey, Carter.
-Hey.
369
00:15:48,356 --> 00:15:49,672
Me and my friends want
to get some shots.
370
00:15:49,691 --> 00:15:52,617
Oh, okay. You got it.
Tequila? Whiskey?
371
00:15:52,768 --> 00:15:55,787
-Body.
-I'll be right over.
372
00:15:56,864 --> 00:15:58,939
I don't think
Randi would like this.
373
00:15:59,033 --> 00:16:00,533
I don't even know
why Randi's mad.
374
00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:01,942
I mean, this was her idea.
375
00:16:02,036 --> 00:16:04,128
Except for the penis straws.
That was all Darren.
376
00:16:04,355 --> 00:16:05,855
(Darren laughs)
377
00:16:05,948 --> 00:16:08,708
Carter, if I was lucky enough to
be dating someone who loves me,
378
00:16:08,860 --> 00:16:12,011
they'd always come first,
no matter what.
379
00:16:14,882 --> 00:16:16,199
Hey, Darren,
380
00:16:16,367 --> 00:16:18,701
I'm gonna need you to handle
three vodka body shots.
381
00:16:18,794 --> 00:16:20,627
Can't do it.
382
00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:21,887
Objectifies women.
383
00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:25,208
-They're doing 'em off of you.
-Oh, hell yeah!
384
00:16:26,044 --> 00:16:27,710
I can't get the new microwave
to turn on.
385
00:16:27,729 --> 00:16:29,988
Damn it. The airport sausage guy
promised me it worked.
386
00:16:30,139 --> 00:16:33,324
Man, I don't know
who to trust anymore!
387
00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:37,570
Kat.
388
00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:39,480
Max.
389
00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:41,982
I'm Phil,
and I'll take a Chardonnay.
390
00:16:42,002 --> 00:16:44,410
Didn't know
you still worked here.
391
00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:45,670
Helping out a friend.
392
00:16:45,897 --> 00:16:47,338
It's something I do.
393
00:16:47,490 --> 00:16:49,398
Most of my friends
appreciate it.
394
00:16:49,417 --> 00:16:51,676
I'd appreciate a Chardonnay.
395
00:16:51,827 --> 00:16:54,012
Good luck
with your sperm hunting.
396
00:16:54,163 --> 00:16:55,513
Oh, thank you.
397
00:16:55,664 --> 00:16:56,848
That was meant for Kat,
398
00:16:57,041 --> 00:16:58,499
-and it was meant to be mean.
-Oh.
399
00:16:58,518 --> 00:17:02,336
Joke's on you. I took it as a
sincere wish from a good friend!
400
00:17:02,430 --> 00:17:03,763
In your face!
401
00:17:03,915 --> 00:17:09,009
Oh, my God. Has my royal
drag queen finally arrived?
402
00:17:09,029 --> 00:17:10,987
Close. That's my mother.
403
00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:15,091
Hi. Thank you so much
for coming down to...
404
00:17:15,109 --> 00:17:17,426
-So you screwed it up with Max?
-...support me.
405
00:17:17,561 --> 00:17:21,355
Guess we should pour one out
for the end of the family line.
406
00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:23,766
Mother, he quit school, he
bummed around Europe for years.
407
00:17:23,785 --> 00:17:26,544
He's comfortable masturbating
in a trailer full of clowns.
408
00:17:26,695 --> 00:17:28,546
Oh, please, Katharine.
409
00:17:28,697 --> 00:17:30,864
In my dorm at Wellesley,
410
00:17:30,958 --> 00:17:33,367
you could barely sleep
over the din of vibrators.
411
00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:35,970
You'd think
it was a barber college.
412
00:17:39,041 --> 00:17:40,800
-(door opens)
-CARTER: Hey.
413
00:17:40,894 --> 00:17:43,061
-Hey.
-I only got a minute.
414
00:17:43,212 --> 00:17:44,970
I left Darren in charge, and
I bought the fire extinguishers
415
00:17:45,065 --> 00:17:47,381
from the airport sausage guy.
416
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:48,733
What's up?
417
00:17:48,884 --> 00:17:49,901
I'm sorry.
418
00:17:50,128 --> 00:17:52,219
I knew you weren't happy
about Ladies' Night,
419
00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:53,905
and I had another one anyway.
420
00:17:54,132 --> 00:17:57,116
I should've cared more
about your feelings.
421
00:17:57,893 --> 00:17:59,744
I'm so pissed right now.
422
00:17:59,821 --> 00:18:02,229
What?! I-I just apologized.
423
00:18:02,248 --> 00:18:03,823
You can't get pissed.
424
00:18:03,917 --> 00:18:06,567
I even used the word "feelings."
425
00:18:06,628 --> 00:18:09,236
I'm pissed...
'cause I love you so much
426
00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:11,647
that I'm doing dumb stuff
like getting jealous.
427
00:18:11,666 --> 00:18:12,815
Ha! See, I knew
you were jealous.
428
00:18:12,834 --> 00:18:16,260
And... it brings me no joy.
429
00:18:16,412 --> 00:18:21,173
I guess I've never had someone
I cared about losing this much.
430
00:18:21,326 --> 00:18:23,509
Baby, you're not gonna lose me.
431
00:18:23,661 --> 00:18:24,844
You sure?
432
00:18:24,996 --> 00:18:26,938
Cross my hair, hope to die.
433
00:18:27,089 --> 00:18:29,607
(both laugh)
434
00:18:29,834 --> 00:18:32,017
Oh, well, do you have
to rush back to the bar,
435
00:18:32,170 --> 00:18:34,445
or can I get a few minutes
with Corky 95th?
436
00:18:34,597 --> 00:18:38,007
Oh, I should get you
pissed at me more often.
437
00:18:38,025 --> 00:18:40,100
(laughs)
Honestly, I'm just trying
438
00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:41,844
to make sure
I'm back in for Lobsterfest.
439
00:18:41,863 --> 00:18:43,996
-Yes. (laughs)
-(laughs)
440
00:18:48,294 --> 00:18:50,369
The bathroom's
out of toilet paper.
441
00:18:50,521 --> 00:18:52,613
Tina, you drank vodka
out of my belly button.
442
00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:54,298
I am not your husband.
443
00:18:55,193 --> 00:18:56,208
I'll grab some from the back.
444
00:18:56,361 --> 00:19:00,138
And, Tina, make better choices.
445
00:19:00,289 --> 00:19:02,365
Excuse me. Mind if I sit here?
446
00:19:02,458 --> 00:19:04,291
Be my guest.
I was just about to leave.
447
00:19:04,310 --> 00:19:08,980
That's a shame. I was hoping
you'd give me a clogging lesson.
448
00:19:09,056 --> 00:19:10,964
Your Majesty?
449
00:19:10,984 --> 00:19:13,818
She's off tonight.
You can call me Jalen.
450
00:19:13,928 --> 00:19:16,712
But I do love a good curtsy.
451
00:19:16,731 --> 00:19:19,240
(laughing):
Oh.
452
00:19:20,142 --> 00:19:22,885
Look how far down you can go.
453
00:19:22,904 --> 00:19:26,581
Oh, My Highness,
you ain't seen nothing yet.
454
00:19:31,820 --> 00:19:33,913
Seriously? One-ply?
455
00:19:34,007 --> 00:19:36,549
Might as well scoot
on the floor like a puppy.
456
00:19:38,994 --> 00:19:40,011
Oh.
457
00:19:40,238 --> 00:19:42,013
That seems to be for me.
458
00:19:42,164 --> 00:19:44,473
I probably shouldn't look.
459
00:19:47,836 --> 00:19:49,836
Oops!
460
00:19:49,931 --> 00:19:51,430
Kat?
461
00:19:51,524 --> 00:19:52,932
Oh, I-I didn't open it.
It just fell out.
462
00:19:53,026 --> 00:19:54,692
Shut up. It did.
463
00:19:54,919 --> 00:19:58,604
I was gonna give that to you
when I thought we were...
464
00:19:58,756 --> 00:20:00,606
You can just throw it away.
465
00:20:00,758 --> 00:20:02,758
This is from you?
466
00:20:02,777 --> 00:20:04,610
I had it made for the baby.
467
00:20:04,762 --> 00:20:07,371
You know. Silver. Kingbird.
468
00:20:07,598 --> 00:20:08,614
SilverBird.
469
00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:10,099
(laughs softly)
470
00:20:10,117 --> 00:20:12,435
"A SilverBird Production."
471
00:20:12,453 --> 00:20:14,620
Yeah, 'cause I was gonna be
the dad, and you were gonna
472
00:20:14,772 --> 00:20:16,272
be the...
473
00:20:16,290 --> 00:20:19,625
(sighs)
Well, you know how babies work.
474
00:20:19,794 --> 00:20:21,368
Wait. Max?
475
00:20:21,462 --> 00:20:23,012
Yeah.
476
00:20:23,965 --> 00:20:26,265
MAX:
Mmm.
477
00:20:28,119 --> 00:20:30,043
What was that for?
478
00:20:30,063 --> 00:20:32,212
I'm sorry for thinking
479
00:20:32,306 --> 00:20:36,025
that you wouldn't be the
perfect father for our child.
480
00:20:37,462 --> 00:20:38,644
Really?
481
00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:42,990
Or... just plain perfect.
482
00:20:49,657 --> 00:20:53,400
Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
483
00:20:53,419 --> 00:20:56,570
I can be bendy, too,
like those circus girls, so...
484
00:20:56,664 --> 00:20:59,331
Oh.
485
00:20:59,484 --> 00:21:00,983
You okay?
486
00:21:01,076 --> 00:21:03,219
That's a young woman's game.
487
00:21:08,268 --> 00:21:12,495
♪ It's a new day,
I've got a new way ♪
488
00:21:12,588 --> 00:21:15,664
♪ Gonna show up
and make a new way ♪
489
00:21:15,683 --> 00:21:20,761
♪ Let's make it happen,
get you clappin' ♪
490
00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:22,505
♪ Bring that passion ♪
491
00:21:22,523 --> 00:21:24,356
♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh,
let's do it like this ♪
492
00:21:24,450 --> 00:21:28,602
♪ It's that feeling,
can't conceal it ♪
493
00:21:28,696 --> 00:21:31,289
♪ Jump on the ceiling,
oh, oh-oh-oh ♪
494
00:21:31,365 --> 00:21:35,376
♪ Let's do it like this,
let's do it like this. ♪
495
00:21:40,525 --> 00:21:43,134
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