Innkeeper! Another round!
(to Chia Pet tune): Ch-Ch-Ch-Chee-eers!
-Thank you, Carter. -Yeah.
And, uh, here you go, Carter.
(laughs)
What I want to know is, does the carpet match the bushes?
Don't be a ho-ho-ho in front of Santa.
I'm not Santa.
I'm Euclid, the father of geometry.
Not Euclid of Alexandria, Euclid of Megara. Duh.
Well, I don't know about Eu-clid, but Eu-dumb.
(imitates Carter's laugh)
That is what I would say. (laughs)
I was having trouble finding this place with a helmet on,
but then I realized... this is the way.
(laughter)
(groans, pants)
Nanu-nanu, everyone. (laughs)
Hey, Santa.
When parallel lines extend infinitely and never intersect,
is that called Santa's law?!
I don't know, but if there was a cop show called Santa's Law,
I'm watching it. (laughs)
Okay, you got to get up out of my head.
Seems kind of dead for Hallo-Octoweenerfest.
The concept couldn't be more clear.
It combines the best of Halloween and Oktoberfest
with 200 pounds of sausage I bought
from a guy at the airport.
(with German accent): Guten Tag.
Free wieners, fahrvergnügen?
Okay, baby, I love you, but this Hallo-Octoweenerfest
is the stupidest idea you've ever had.
Oh, I'm being Randi now.
Uh, if you want more people,
why not just have a Ladies' Night?
Carter's right, Carter.
Then the number of men in the bar
will be equal to the number of women in the bar
multiplied by the number of drinks at half price. (laughs)
Okay, I'm Santa, and you're all getting coal.
Ah. Hello, all.
Happy... whatever this fiasco is.
Sheila, we told you we were all gonna dress up.
I know. I'm going as Drunk Sheila.
Let me get into costume.
Oh. Got rejected again.
Like, you stalk one sperm donor, and all of a sudden,
you're banned from every spank bank in Kentucky.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Maybe it's a sign I'm just never gonna be a mother.
Your hideous Santa outfit was a bigger sign.
(rock music plays quietly)
Kat?
Over here!
Why are you wearing that helmet if you can't see?
Because I look cool.
Do you?
(groans) Big talk coming from Math Santa.
Can I ask you a question?
If you want to be Carter next year, no,
-I already called it. -(laughs)
I was thinking about...
(sighs)
Well...
what if I fathered your child?
Are you serious?
Yeah.
Wow.
You don't think it'd be weird?
It's only weird if you make it weird.
I'm currently wearing a beard
and historically accurate underwear.
-I make everything weird. -(laughs)
♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪
♪ Nothin' wrong with you but I'd rather be me. ♪
Max, I never thought
about asking someone I know to father my baby.
Why not?
I'd be helping someone I love by doing something I love.
Would you want to be involved in their life?
If you want. I could be, like, a cool uncle who's also a dad.
You know, buy him beer, give him the sex talk,
show him how to clear his browser history.
(laughs)
So, what do you think?
♪ ♪
Hello, Mother.
Hello, sweetie. How was your game?
We won, but the part I liked best
was working together as a team.
You should've seen him. He scored all the team's points
and sang a medley of showtunes at halftime.
And at school I got all A's and said "no" to drugs.
Oh, Max Jr., you must be the most popular boy at school.
(laughs) I'm gonna leave you two alone.
I'll be back when it's most convenient for you
regardless of my life and schedule.
Bye, sport.
-Bye, Uncle Dad! -Bye!
(door closes)
I think we should do it.
Yes! SilverBird flies again!
(Kat laughs)
And-and I don't mean do it.
I mean, make a baby. 'Cause, like, we wouldn't be doing it.
You know, you'd be masturbating. Like...
-Right. -(whistles)
(imitates hoofbeats)
(imitates old-timey car horn)
And now it's weird.
It's how I do. (laughs)
(both laugh)
Oh, Katharine, you've made me the happiest woman in the world.
Hopefully, Max's genes will offset all of... this.
Hopefully, my mothering skills will offset all of this.
So you and Max are finally gonna mash potatoes?
Nobody's mashing potatoes.
He's just... giving her his gravy.
Oh!
Yeah, we're gonna use the eggs that I froze.
It's all gonna be done in a lab.
But I did request that they play "Let's Get It On."
-(drill whirring) -Oh, damn. My boyfriend's
on a ladder with a power tool.
Somebody dial the first two numbers of 911.
Carter, what are you doing?
Your idea. We're having a Ladies' Night.
Check it out.
"Ladies drink for half price, free sausage tonight only."
Yeah, but it looks like,
"Ladies for free tonight, drink half-price sausage only."
Hmm. I'd go to that bar.
Oh, excuse me, ladies.
We haven't been this busy
since they used this place as a storm shelter.
I mean, Hurricane Chelsea was Hurricane Cha-Ching.
(laughs) Well, I don't like to say I told you so,
but I'm beautiful, smart, and not humble, so I told you so.
-(laughs) -Yeah, Middle C is poppin'.
It's getting Orville Redenbacher up in here.
Come on, Kat. You can do "butter" than that.
(Kat cackles)
-I hope our baby's not too funny. -Right?
Right? (laughs)
This is why we need more Black friends.
(laughing)
Oh, my goodness, it's Queen Dicktoria!
-Oh. -She's my absolute
favorite drag queen.
Oh. Stunning!
She puts all the women here to shame.
-This is where you say, "Not you, Sheila." -Oh.
Martini, mojito and a double tequila shot.
-Girl, what did he do? -(laughter)
We all love your hair.
Well, let me let you in on a little secret.
I'm thinking about growing it out.
(laughter)
Carter's got some fans tonight.
Yeah, I've surrounded my boyfriend
with young, hot, drunk women.
Should've just let him die on that ladder.
Queen Dicktoria, this is my friend Phil.
-Hello. -Enchanté, Your Vag-esty.
-(laughs) -Phil's a performer, too.
-Oh. -He once clogged
in the country dancers show at Dollywood.
Could I see some of that clogging?
Oh, you don't want to see an old man like me dance.
I'm sorry. Are you refusing a royal request?
So, are you nervous
about whisking up the old baby batter tomorrow?
Don't worry. I got this.
I spent six months sleeping in a trailer with two clowns
and a trapeze artist, and I still got my reps in.
Two clowns and a trapeze artist?
Is that what you call your junk in front of the trunk?
No, it's when I was with the traveling circus in England.
You were in the circus?
Yeah, I was doing my field work and finishing my degree.
And one night, I got really drunk,
and well, when I woke up, I worked for the circus.
You know how it goes.
I-I do not know how that goes.
Although this one time, I got pretty drunk,
and I ate a third of a box of Total.
That is a young woman's game.
-(chuckles) -Mm.
What did you do in the circus?
Oh, a bunch of stuff. Uh, played in the band,
set up the tents,
helped the cute contortionist limber up.
When did you finish your degree?
So that's kind of my dirty little secret.
I never graduated.
(laughs)
I can't believe you never told me this. You're...
(whispering): You're a drop-out?
What's the big deal?
I mean, I'm a musician.
For me, a degree was kind of pointless.
You know, like... like flossing.
Oh, so... so now you're against higher education
and oral hygiene?
Max, do you like nothing fun?
I'm just saying, you have a degree, and you own a cat café.
Yeah, and getting that degree taught me
about hard work and perseverance.
You want to talk about hard work and perseverance?
Spend six years putting up a circus tent in a wind storm
while a mime goes...
Six years?
Well, it wasn't six years nonstop.
I'd work a few months, drift around,
sleeping where I could.
There's a lot of abandoned castles in Europe.
It was awesome.
Yeah, that-that doesn't sound awesome.
Trust me, if you're in the Greek isles,
and you look like me, it's awesome.
(laughs nervously)
-All right now. -(bell clangs)
Closing time!
Lights coming up.
A lot of you eights about to turn into fours.
Babe, what are you doing?
Nobody rings that bell but me.
And you.
It's 2:00 a.m. You usually close at midnight.
Yeah, but my friends are still drinking, and we're having fun.
Oh. Did you know that you can make your porn name
by combining the name of your first pet
and the street that you grew up on?
I'm Corky 95th.
Oh, so is that what you and your friends talk about? Porn?
Oh. Well, we talk about a lot of stuff.
Like, Monica's going through a divorce, Tina's a single mom,
and Lauren... Well, Lauren does talk about porn a lot.
She's got daddy issues.
I cannot believe how late it is.
Oh, I know. When I get home, I'm gonna tuck myself in.
Which is not the first time I've done that tonight.
(both laugh)
Well, I... I'm so glad I got to meet you.
Me, too. Maybe we'll run into each other again sometime?
Well, I'm the baker at the coffee shop across the way.
I'd brag about my sticky buns,
but that's no way to talk to a lady.
Honey, I may be a queen, but I'm no lady.
-Oh! (laughs) -(laughs)
(Phil sighs)
Good night, Phil.
Night night.
(door opens)
(door closes)
Oh.
♪ ♪
What's up?
Hi, sweetie. How was school?
Yeah, I didn't go.
What?! You skipped school?
Yeah.
I'm gonna drop out, play music,
and get with circus chicks just like Uncle Dad.
Yeah, buddy. Quitters for life! (groans)
But what about your future?
Mom, it's okay. I'm good-looking.
That's my boy.
I'm gonna go clear my browser history.
(gasps) That settles it.
No child of mine is gonna be good-looking!
(TV plays quietly)
Hey, baby. What you still doing up?
Oh.
You want a little bit of Corky 95th?
It's almost 4:00 in the morning.
Sorry. I got stuck
in a rainstorm! (laughs)
Well, I'm glad you had a good night.
Now can you pick up all this money
that's covered in hoochie cooties?
Hold up. What's going on?
Are you jealous?
-(scoffs) No! -Huh?
I think you are. That's the same face you made
when I took the last Cheddar Bay Biscuit at Red Lobster.
Excuse you. I am a strong, independent woman.
I don't get jealous. And that biscuit was mine.
-You had two, and I only had one! -Mm.
Which is why I'm gonna buy you all the biscuits you want
to go with that jelly!
And-and... and just so you know,
you looked really stupid trying to be all flirty.
Well, I was being charming. That's just good business.
And what do you know about business?
Well, I know enough to have a lot more Ladies' Nights.
Fine. That's okay. I don't even give a damn.
It's a bad move picking a fight a week before Lobsterfest!
(groans)
Hi.
You ready to go? I'm parked in a red zone, and I really
don't want to explain to a cop that I'm about to go...
(whistles, imitates cartoon noises)
...for a friend.
Wow. That sounds stressful.
Maybe we should postpone.
I've heard that stressed-out sperm can lead to redheads.
I don't want to postpone.
They made me abstain for three days
before this appointment.
I had to shower wearing oven mitts.
Are we rushing into this?
I mean, yes, we're great friends,
but would we be great parents?
Like, you're a little bit country,
I'm a little bit rock and roll.
You're Netflix, I'm more Hulu.
Hello, Hulu viewers.
I hope you're enjoying Season Three, Episode Five.
Are you getting cold feet?
You're gonna be a great mom.
You're patient, you're nurturing.
-Yeah, I'm not worried about me. -Oh.
Oh, so you're worried about me?
I-I'm worried about my child.
I-I want to make sure
I give them every opportunity to succeed.
Oh, okay.
I get it now.
You don't think I'm good enough to be the father?
Max, you're-you're great. It's just, like, um...
I think higher education is really important.
You dropped out of school to join the circus
and make pervy pretzels with the bendy girls.
-And you're so perfect? -Well, I-I... I didn't say that.
Because there are things about you
that I wouldn't want to see in my kid.
Really? Like what?
Clumsy, allergic to avocado,
mean to only person who wants to give her sperm.
I'm not allergic to avocado.
I use it as a test to make sure the waiter's listening.
-You know what? Do whatever you want. -Wait.
You're just gonna leave mid-argument? God, Max,
it's like you can't finish anything.
Oh, I'm gonna finish something.
And then I'm gonna take a nap, and I'm gonna finish it again!
♪ Believe it or not I'm cloggin' on air ♪
♪ I never thought I could feel so free-ee-ee. ♪
(laughs)
Is this all to impress Queen Dicktoria?
Did she tell you she was stopping by?
No, but she knows I work here,
and the last thing she said was
maybe she'll run into me sometime.
Ooh. Sounds to me like you got curved.
Totes Magee.
What's curved?
What the hell is Totes Magee?
"Curved" is just a gentle way of turning you down.
Like, did she offer to give you her number?
-No. -Or ask for yours?
Oh, no. (sniffles)
I done been curved.
Oh!
(Phil cries)
-Hey, Carter. -Hey.
Me and my friends want to get some shots.
Oh, okay. You got it. Tequila? Whiskey?
-Body. -I'll be right over.
I don't think Randi would like this.
I don't even know why Randi's mad.
I mean, this was her idea.
Except for the penis straws. That was all Darren.
(Darren laughs)
Carter, if I was lucky enough to be dating someone who loves me,
they'd always come first, no matter what.
Hey, Darren,
I'm gonna need you to handle three vodka body shots.
Can't do it.
Objectifies women.
-They're doing 'em off of you. -Oh, hell yeah!
I can't get the new microwave to turn on.
Damn it. The airport sausage guy promised me it worked.
Man, I don't know who to trust anymore!
Kat.
Max.
I'm Phil, and I'll take a Chardonnay.
Didn't know you still worked here.
Helping out a friend.
It's something I do.
Most of my friends appreciate it.
I'd appreciate a Chardonnay.
Good luck with your sperm hunting.
Oh, thank you.
That was meant for Kat,
-and it was meant to be mean. -Oh.
Joke's on you. I took it as a sincere wish from a good friend!
In your face!
Oh, my God. Has my royal drag queen finally arrived?
Close. That's my mother.
Hi. Thank you so much for coming down to...
-So you screwed it up with Max? -...support me.
Guess we should pour one out for the end of the family line.
Mother, he quit school, he bummed around Europe for years.
He's comfortable masturbating in a trailer full of clowns.
Oh, please, Katharine.
In my dorm at Wellesley,
you could barely sleep over the din of vibrators.
You'd think it was a barber college.
-(door opens) -CARTER: Hey.
-Hey. -I only got a minute.
I left Darren in charge, and I bought the fire extinguishers
from the airport sausage guy.
What's up?
I'm sorry.
I knew you weren't happy about Ladies' Night,
and I had another one anyway.
I should've cared more about your feelings.
I'm so pissed right now.
What?! I-I just apologized.
You can't get pissed.
I even used the word "feelings."
I'm pissed... 'cause I love you so much
that I'm doing dumb stuff like getting jealous.
Ha! See, I knew you were jealous.
And... it brings me no joy.
I guess I've never had someone I cared about losing this much.
Baby, you're not gonna lose me.
You sure?
Cross my hair, hope to die.
(both laugh)
Oh, well, do you have to rush back to the bar,
or can I get a few minutes with Corky 95th?
Oh, I should get you pissed at me more often.
(laughs) Honestly, I'm just trying
to make sure I'm back in for Lobsterfest.
-Yes. (laughs) -(laughs)
The bathroom's out of toilet paper.
Tina, you drank vodka out of my belly button.
I am not your husband.
I'll grab some from the back.
And, Tina, make better choices.
Excuse me. Mind if I sit here?
Be my guest. I was just about to leave.
That's a shame. I was hoping you'd give me a clogging lesson.
Your Majesty?
She's off tonight. You can call me Jalen.
But I do love a good curtsy.
(laughing): Oh.
Look how far down you can go.
Oh, My Highness, you ain't seen nothing yet.
Seriously? One-ply?
Might as well scoot on the floor like a puppy.
Oh.
That seems to be for me.
I probably shouldn't look.
Oops!
Kat?
Oh, I-I didn't open it. It just fell out.
Shut up. It did.
I was gonna give that to you when I thought we were...
You can just throw it away.
This is from you?
I had it made for the baby.
You know. Silver. Kingbird.
SilverBird.
(laughs softly)
"A SilverBird Production."
Yeah, 'cause I was gonna be the dad, and you were gonna
be the...
(sighs) Well, you know how babies work.
Wait. Max?
Yeah.
MAX: Mmm.
What was that for?
I'm sorry for thinking
that you wouldn't be the perfect father for our child.
Really?
Or... just plain perfect.
Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I can be bendy, too, like those circus girls, so...
Oh.
You okay?
That's a young woman's game.
♪ It's a new day, I've got a new way ♪
♪ Gonna show up and make a new way ♪
♪ Let's make it happen, get you clappin' ♪
♪ Bring that passion ♪
♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh, let's do it like this ♪
♪ It's that feeling, can't conceal it ♪
♪ Jump on the ceiling, oh, oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Let's do it like this, let's do it like this. ♪
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