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00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:09,051
Lisa Cramlin here with Graham Paul,

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00:00:09,134 --> 00:00:12,137
breaking down this afternoon's
Richmond-Arsenal match.

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-Welcome, Graham.
-Pleasure to be here, Lisa.

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[Lisa] So today was another tough day
for Roy Kent in a stretch of bad days.

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-In his last nine games, Kent has had...
-[bubbling]

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00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:25,776
...while his turnovers
have nearly doubled.

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And today, it was an ignominious
own goal...

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There you are.

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[Roy] Everyone gone?

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Yes, sir. Well, except Rojas.

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Darn kid's out on the practice pitch
still doing drills.

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[Roy] What a fucking asshole.

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-Right? [chuckles]
-Yeah.

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[Ted sighs]

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Somebody order a Roy on the rocks, huh?

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How we doing in here? Whoo!

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That is cold, man.

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Just looking at you in there
is making me all chilly inside. [chuckles]

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[TV continues, indistinct]

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Can you just tell me I fucked up
and then go?

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Not gonna do that, bud.

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I lost us the game. I'm a piece of shit.

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Easy now. You had a bad day. Big whoop.

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"Big whoop"?

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Yeah, big whoop. [chuckles]

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You beating yourself up is like
Woody Allen playing the clarinet.

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I don't wanna hear it. All right?

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So just, you know, knock it off.
Go easy on yourself. Okay?

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Hey. I got your back.
Ain't nothing gonna change that.

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Look at you in there, looking like
a brunette Oscar the Grouch.

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-On or off?
-Off.

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[Graham] You gotta stop holding on, Roy,
please, for us, for you.

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Let it go.

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-[Lisa] There you go.
-[Dani] Hola, Roy.

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[Lisa] We're taking a break.
When we return,

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we'll take a look at Jamie Tartt's
brilliant day for Manchester City.

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[Dani singing in Spanish]

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[bubbling]

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[theme music plays]

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That's it. Right there. Yep. Beautiful.

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Oh, snap. Watch your back, Kate Moss.

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00:02:21,183 --> 00:02:23,852
There's a new bad girl
on the British modeling scene.

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-Huh? Yeah?
-[woman] Okay, I think we've got it.

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Brought these in case
you need a little biscuit boost. Yeah?

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00:02:33,278 --> 00:02:35,948
Man, oh, man.
You get nervous doing this kind of stuff?

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00:02:36,031 --> 00:02:38,450
It's a profile on women in football.
It's not a big deal.

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There's, like, four of us:
me, Karen, Delia and Posh Spice.

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Oh, come on, now.
Being a role model's a huge deal.

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Don't you realize that there's probably
a little girl out there somewhere

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rocking a tiny eggplant-colored
power suit,

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and she's just dreaming about
becoming a sports executive someday.

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She's gonna read this article
and she's gonna think,

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"Holy smokes. My dreams are possible."

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In this scenario of yours, little girls
read The Football Financial Quarterly?

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Well, who knows?
Little girls are mysterious.

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-[chuckles]
-And silly and powerful.

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I gave up trying to figure them out
years ago.

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Tell you what,
I wish Higgins was here to see this,

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'cause he'd be real happy for you too.

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I don't know about that, Ted.

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When Higgins decided to quit,
he made it quite clear

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what he thought about me,
and it wasn't supportive.

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[imitates buzzer] Nope. I'm filing that
under stinkin' thinkin' right there. Okay?

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I guarantee you, he'll come around.

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00:03:25,747 --> 00:03:27,583
-Right. I'm changing the subject.
-Go ahead.

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How's the team morale
going into the final weekend?

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I mean, I'm still heartbroken
about the last loss.

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Are you?

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-Of course.
-Ah.

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-Hey, Keeley.
-Hi, Ted.

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Hey, did those marketing folks
from Tom Ford ever get back to you?

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Yeah, they did.

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They said they're gonna stick
with the models they already have.

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Aw, nuts.

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00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:47,936
I know. But they did say

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that if they ever do an everyman campaign
or something satirical,

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your name's on their list.

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All right. There you go. That's not bad.

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Can I borrow you for a second, Rebecca?

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-Come on.
-[Rebecca sighs]

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My God, it smells of feet in here.

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I mean, it just-- it just hits you
immediately, doesn't it?

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It's hot. Like feet funk,
right up your nose. Can you smell it?

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You're being a right floppy cock, Rebecca.

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Why haven't you told Ted yet?

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Oh, I'm going to.

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When?

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[sighs]
Imagine doing something unforgivable

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to someone who doesn't deserve it

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and then having to look them in the eye
and tell them what you've done.

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I don't have to imagine. I've done it.

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Year Eight, I took a shit
in Joanna Wellington's locker.

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I apologized,

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I was uninvited to her birthday party,
and then we patched it up a week later.

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Just fucking tell him.

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Sorry, why did you do a shit
in her locker?

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I don't know. I was 13.

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00:04:42,241 --> 00:04:47,037
What? Teenage girls are, like,
mysterious and dark and dangerous.

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00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,539
-All right.
-That is not the point!

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-Okay.
-Oh, God.

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00:04:50,541 --> 00:04:52,042
Sorry. Um, wow.

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I know women like shoes, but, girls,
come on, this is silly. [chuckles]

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00:04:57,047 --> 00:04:58,757
Sorry, that was really sexist.

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Um, I just wasn't expecting there
to be anyone in here.

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Um, but you are in here, and that's great.

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Take as long as you need.
Yeah. I'll go. Sorry.

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I mean, what would be the point
of telling Ted now?

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It doesn't change anything.

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It would change how I feel about you.

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[door opens, closes]

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You know, David, we got one final game
this season against Man City,

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and our goal is to go out
like Willie Nelson, on a high.

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-Yeah?
-[reporters chuckle]

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00:05:26,243 --> 00:05:28,120
Oh, how about Trent Crimm?

115
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And if memory serves,
you're from the Daily Planet, yeah?

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00:05:31,456 --> 00:05:32,791
Trent Crimm, The Independent.

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00:05:32,875 --> 00:05:35,335
Ah, yes. That's the one. Okay.
What's your question, Trent?

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Many of your young players
have improved during your tenure.

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Then there's Roy Kent.

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He played dismally last match. Thoughts?

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Well, I think you could ask Roy himself.
He'd tell you it wasn't his best day.

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But I'll let you know right now

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that Roy Kent is the backbone
of this team.

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All right,
let's mix it up in here a little.

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If you're an introvert,
I want y'all to raise your hand.

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You guys get the next few questions.

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Ah! That was a trick!

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If y'all were really introverts,
you would've been quiet as a church mouse.

129
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Unless that church was Westboro Baptist.
Those turkeys won't shut up.

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00:06:09,244 --> 00:06:11,663
Hi, guys. What's up?

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Please have a seat.

132
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Okay.

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I feel like y'all are about to do
some improv comedy

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or tell me that you're dating each other.

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Either one's cool with me.
'Cause your suggestion is ally.

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We have to take Roy
out of the starting lineup.

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I see. Okay.

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It wasn't just one bad game, Coach.

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00:06:31,850 --> 00:06:32,976
[Nathan] He's showing his age,

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and he's made significant mistakes
in each of the last five matches.

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00:06:35,562 --> 00:06:37,314
We just haven't been
bitten in the ass by them yet.

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But yesterday our butts had teeth marks.

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Deep ones.
The kind you usually have to pay for.

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00:06:45,155 --> 00:06:46,156
Hmm.

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00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:47,324
[phone vibrates]

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00:06:50,661 --> 00:06:51,662
[clicks tongue]

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00:06:52,162 --> 00:06:53,163
[grunts]

148
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:57,543
Guys... I'm not benching Roy.

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He's our captain.

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But I want you to know
that I value each of your opinions.

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Even when they're wrong.

152
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I was really hoping
it was going to be improv.

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I'm Audi 5000.

154
00:07:19,898 --> 00:07:22,442
-You paid someone to bite you?
-No, of course not.

155
00:07:22,526 --> 00:07:23,652
Oh, sorry. I...

156
00:07:23,735 --> 00:07:24,736
Been paid.

157
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[stammers] Where?

158
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:33,871
[rhythmic knocking]

159
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:35,163
Hey. What's up?

160
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I have something I need to tell you.

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I'm all ears. [chuckles]

162
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[grunts, imitates thud]

163
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:44,882
Right, I'm not gonna beat around the bush.

164
00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:48,177
I'm just gonna...
get straight to the point.

165
00:07:48,260 --> 00:07:49,845
No faffing around,
'cause that's just annoying,

166
00:07:49,928 --> 00:07:51,638
and definitely no procrastinating.

167
00:07:51,722 --> 00:07:53,807
Procrast-- Procrast--
That's a good word, isn't it?

168
00:07:53,891 --> 00:07:56,226
Procrastinating. Pro-- Procrastinating.

169
00:07:56,727 --> 00:07:58,478
Huh. I wonder what the etymology
of that word is.

170
00:07:58,562 --> 00:08:02,441
Obviously, "pro," very good,
but "crast"? Crast...

171
00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:05,152
I have no idea.
Hey! Why don't we look it up?

172
00:08:05,235 --> 00:08:07,654
-Have you got a dictionary?
-Not on me. Are you doing okay?

173
00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:09,406
-Me?
-Yeah.

174
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:11,408
I'm brilliant!

175
00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:13,827
Yeah, I am top of the pops.

176
00:08:13,911 --> 00:08:15,954
[scats, taps desk]

177
00:08:16,038 --> 00:08:17,748
Ted, do you think you could do this later?

178
00:08:18,123 --> 00:08:20,375
Yeah, sure. No problem.
I'll just hit the rewind button.

179
00:08:20,876 --> 00:08:23,587
[imitating tape rewinding]

180
00:08:26,048 --> 00:08:27,341
[chuckles]

181
00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:30,802
[rhythmic knocking]

182
00:08:30,886 --> 00:08:34,806
Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

183
00:08:34,890 --> 00:08:36,600
Just do it. Just do it. I'm a big girl.

184
00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:38,727
I can fucking just--
Just tidy up your mess.

185
00:08:38,809 --> 00:08:41,522
Tidy up your mess. Right. Oh, God.

186
00:08:42,898 --> 00:08:44,525
[singsong] Surprise.

187
00:08:45,609 --> 00:08:47,444
-Rupert.
-You seem anxious.

188
00:08:47,528 --> 00:08:48,737
Where's, uh, where's Higgins?

189
00:08:48,820 --> 00:08:50,155
Uh, I fired him.

190
00:08:50,239 --> 00:08:52,074
Why? Higgins is first class.

191
00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:54,743
Except the only negative about the man

192
00:08:54,826 --> 00:08:57,162
was that whenever
he borrowed a pen from me,

193
00:08:57,246 --> 00:09:00,582
he would nibble the top
like some anxious little puppy.

194
00:09:01,792 --> 00:09:02,793
Good boy.

195
00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:04,044
Yeah, well, he's gone.

196
00:09:04,127 --> 00:09:07,130
Shame. Oh, well.
Maybe he'll accept my offer now.

197
00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:10,425
Look, Rupert, are you here
to try and buy back the club or--

198
00:09:10,509 --> 00:09:14,346
No, I wanted to tell you something
before you heard it somewhere else.

199
00:09:15,013 --> 00:09:17,015
Bex and I are having a baby.

200
00:09:18,725 --> 00:09:20,519
[singsong] Surprise, again.

201
00:09:21,854 --> 00:09:25,732
-But you always said that--
-I thought we could be mature about this.

202
00:09:25,816 --> 00:09:27,234
[chuckles]

203
00:09:27,317 --> 00:09:28,694
Oh, you're mature enough, all right.

204
00:09:28,777 --> 00:09:32,281
You're nearly 70,
and you're having a baby?

205
00:09:32,364 --> 00:09:35,242
I mean, what are you,
a character from the fucking Bible?

206
00:09:35,325 --> 00:09:36,952
When your kid hits puberty,

207
00:09:37,035 --> 00:09:39,705
you'll be nothing but a pile of dust
and a black Amex card.

208
00:09:39,788 --> 00:09:40,873
Now, now, darling.

209
00:09:40,956 --> 00:09:42,082
Don't call me that.

210
00:09:42,165 --> 00:09:44,751
People change. I do want a child.

211
00:09:45,419 --> 00:09:48,881
I just suppose I--
I didn't want one with...

212
00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:51,425
Before.

213
00:09:53,177 --> 00:09:57,139
I mean, in the end, it's just about
being with the right person, isn't it?

214
00:10:00,559 --> 00:10:01,560
Of course.

215
00:10:01,643 --> 00:10:04,146
Oh, I'm so glad
I got to tell you this in person.

216
00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:08,108
I would have hated
for you to read it in the press.

217
00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:10,611
Good luck against Man City.

218
00:10:11,069 --> 00:10:13,739
[piano music playing]

219
00:10:25,626 --> 00:10:27,669
[man singing]

220
00:10:39,056 --> 00:10:41,475
[players chattering]

221
00:10:46,355 --> 00:10:48,524
-[song continues]
-[chattering stops]

222
00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:53,320
[chattering resumes]

223
00:10:53,403 --> 00:10:54,613
[sighs]

224
00:10:57,282 --> 00:10:58,575
I have something I need to tell you.

225
00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:02,079
Mm. Déjà vu. [chuckles]

226
00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:04,081
I'm a fucking bitch.

227
00:11:04,957 --> 00:11:06,291
Nope, that's new.

228
00:11:10,212 --> 00:11:11,463
Ted, I lied to you.

229
00:11:13,298 --> 00:11:15,884
I hired you
because I wanted this team to lose.

230
00:11:16,718 --> 00:11:18,345
I wanted you to fail,

231
00:11:18,428 --> 00:11:21,014
and I sabotaged you every chance I've had.

232
00:11:22,391 --> 00:11:26,562
It was me who hired that photographer
to take the photo of you and Keeley.

233
00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:32,568
I set up the interview with Trent Crimm,
hoping that he would humiliate you.

234
00:11:33,151 --> 00:11:37,030
And I instigated the transfer
of Jamie Tartt,

235
00:11:37,114 --> 00:11:38,740
even though you'd asked me not to.

236
00:11:40,659 --> 00:11:44,705
This club is all that Rupert has ever
cared about, and I wanted to destroy it.

237
00:11:45,497 --> 00:11:50,627
To cause him as much pain and suffering
as he has caused me.

238
00:11:51,420 --> 00:11:55,591
And I didn't care
who I used or who I hurt.

239
00:11:57,009 --> 00:12:01,221
All you good people
just trying to make a difference.

240
00:12:03,098 --> 00:12:04,641
[crying] Ted, I'm so sorry.

241
00:12:07,936 --> 00:12:08,937
Mm.

242
00:12:16,528 --> 00:12:19,531
If you want to quit or call the press,
I'll completely understand.

243
00:12:22,743 --> 00:12:23,911
I forgive you.

244
00:12:25,162 --> 00:12:27,122
You-- What? Why?

245
00:12:27,706 --> 00:12:28,957
Divorce is hard.

246
00:12:30,792 --> 00:12:32,544
It doesn't matter
if you're the one leaving

247
00:12:32,628 --> 00:12:35,923
or if... you're the one who got left.

248
00:12:36,924 --> 00:12:38,675
It makes folks do crazy things.

249
00:12:40,302 --> 00:12:43,805
Hell, I'm coaching soccer
for heaven's sake. In London.

250
00:12:43,889 --> 00:12:45,307
[chuckles] I mean, that's nuts.

251
00:12:46,517 --> 00:12:48,018
-[sighs]
-[Rebecca exhales]

252
00:12:48,644 --> 00:12:49,645
Yeah.

253
00:12:50,521 --> 00:12:52,773
But this job you gave me
has changed my life.

254
00:12:55,025 --> 00:12:57,861
It gave me the distance I needed
to see what was really going on.

255
00:13:00,030 --> 00:13:01,323
Yeah, but you and me...

256
00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:04,284
We're okay.

257
00:13:10,749 --> 00:13:11,750
Ted.

258
00:13:11,834 --> 00:13:13,961
Come on, just shake this hand.
My arm's starting to get--

259
00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:16,672
[Ted chuckles]

260
00:13:19,842 --> 00:13:23,345
You know, I think that
if you care about someone

261
00:13:23,428 --> 00:13:26,598
and you got a little love in your heart,

262
00:13:26,682 --> 00:13:29,059
there ain't nothing
you can't get through together.

263
00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:30,310
You know what I'm saying?

264
00:13:34,815 --> 00:13:36,984
You're not just talking about us now,
are you?

265
00:13:38,068 --> 00:13:40,696
Maybe. Maybe not.

266
00:13:42,614 --> 00:13:43,907
Okay.

267
00:13:43,991 --> 00:13:45,701
I'm gonna go change
for practice-- uh, training.

268
00:13:45,784 --> 00:13:47,619
Whatever. Who cares?

269
00:13:47,703 --> 00:13:49,621
Nice seeing you down here, boss.

270
00:13:50,581 --> 00:13:51,999
You liven up the place.

271
00:13:56,378 --> 00:13:58,213
All right, let's get it going, huh?
[blows whistle]

272
00:13:58,297 --> 00:14:00,674
Let's go. Gather up. Come on, now.

273
00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:03,302
All right, fellas, you gotta remember,
your body is like day-old rice.

274
00:14:03,385 --> 00:14:05,679
If it ain't warmed up properly,
something real bad could happen.

275
00:14:05,762 --> 00:14:07,431
Oh, food poisoning is no joke.

276
00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:09,308
One time, I was being sick,

277
00:14:09,391 --> 00:14:11,310
and at the same time,
I was having diarrhea.

278
00:14:11,393 --> 00:14:13,937
Mm. Yep. That'll happen.
Anybody else wanna share?

279
00:14:14,021 --> 00:14:16,815
To be able to do both those things
at the same time?

280
00:14:16,899 --> 00:14:18,483
The body is a miracle.

281
00:14:18,984 --> 00:14:20,944
Yeah. Good perspective. I appreciate that.

282
00:14:21,028 --> 00:14:23,572
So, fellas,
we all know speed is important.

283
00:14:23,655 --> 00:14:26,200
But being able to stop
and change directions quickly?

284
00:14:26,283 --> 00:14:29,077
Well, that's like Kanye's
808s & Heartbreak.

285
00:14:29,161 --> 00:14:30,370
It don't get nearly enough credit.

286
00:14:30,787 --> 00:14:33,123
Okay, so let's line up on these cones
Nate put out. Let's go.

287
00:14:34,499 --> 00:14:35,501
All right, here's the deal.

288
00:14:35,584 --> 00:14:39,213
Last one to start, stop, then start again
is a rotten egg. Let's do it.

289
00:14:39,296 --> 00:14:41,215
-[blows whistle]
-[players shouting]

290
00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:44,843
Hey, Coach, I thought of a joke
this morning in the shower.

291
00:14:46,303 --> 00:14:48,096
What does a British owl say?

292
00:14:51,642 --> 00:14:52,851
Coach, what does a British owl--

293
00:14:55,229 --> 00:14:56,313
I was saying earlier that--

294
00:14:57,981 --> 00:15:00,359
You're acting like I'm chasing you
with a booger or something.

295
00:15:01,109 --> 00:15:03,195
Okay. All right.
I see what's going on here.

296
00:15:03,278 --> 00:15:04,404
This is about Roy, ain't it?

297
00:15:04,488 --> 00:15:07,908
So you gonna give me the cold shoulder
and the silent treatment. That's a combo.

298
00:15:07,991 --> 00:15:09,368
Does it come with a medium drink?

299
00:15:09,451 --> 00:15:10,702
[chuckles]

300
00:15:11,328 --> 00:15:12,454
Fine.

301
00:15:12,913 --> 00:15:15,290
Hey, Nate, what does a British owl say?

302
00:15:15,707 --> 00:15:18,377
Oh, you gonna do that move
where you act like you don't hear me

303
00:15:18,460 --> 00:15:19,837
and then you just walk away, huh?

304
00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:20,921
Yeah.

305
00:15:21,964 --> 00:15:23,507
Oh, it's like that now, huh?

306
00:15:24,049 --> 00:15:27,636
Heck with both of you guys.
I'm just gonna focus up here on practice.

307
00:15:27,719 --> 00:15:30,055
There you go, Dani. Dig in, baby. Come on.

308
00:15:31,348 --> 00:15:32,850
-[Roy] Fuck.
-[Ted] It's all right, Roy.

309
00:15:33,892 --> 00:15:35,727
-[Roy] Fuck!
-[Colin] Keep up, Roy!

310
00:15:35,811 --> 00:15:37,479
-[Ted] You got this, Roy.
-[Roy] Fuck!

311
00:15:37,563 --> 00:15:40,524
That's it. Swear it out, Roy.
Swear it out.

312
00:15:42,651 --> 00:15:43,944
[grunts]

313
00:15:44,987 --> 00:15:46,572
Mm. Shoot.

314
00:15:47,364 --> 00:15:48,991
Okay. Mm.

315
00:15:52,995 --> 00:15:53,996
Okay.

316
00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:08,886
[upright bass playing]

317
00:16:12,514 --> 00:16:13,849
[man] Ooh.

318
00:16:13,932 --> 00:16:16,435
-[upright bass continues]
-Ahh!

319
00:16:26,236 --> 00:16:27,237
Yeah.

320
00:16:28,447 --> 00:16:29,448
Whoa.

321
00:16:30,115 --> 00:16:31,700
[screams, yelps]

322
00:16:31,783 --> 00:16:33,702
[breathes heavily]

323
00:16:37,456 --> 00:16:38,874
[Ted] There you are.

324
00:16:43,545 --> 00:16:44,546
[Ted exhales]

325
00:16:45,506 --> 00:16:46,507
Hey.

326
00:16:48,592 --> 00:16:50,969
There's, um, a lot of other seats.

327
00:16:51,053 --> 00:16:52,846
Well, yeah, this is what my ticket says.

328
00:16:53,347 --> 00:16:54,765
[chuckles]

329
00:16:55,724 --> 00:16:57,768
[sighs] How you doing, Roy?

330
00:16:57,851 --> 00:16:58,977
[Roy] Fine. You?

331
00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:00,729
[Ted] Oh, good, good, yeah.

332
00:17:01,146 --> 00:17:03,023
Oh. I saw this video online

333
00:17:03,106 --> 00:17:07,236
of a, um, a kitten and a little
baby chicken becoming friends

334
00:17:07,319 --> 00:17:08,987
and just hanging out together.

335
00:17:09,070 --> 00:17:11,073
It was-- Well, here, let me
show it to you. I got it right here.

336
00:17:11,156 --> 00:17:12,156
What's this about?

337
00:17:12,782 --> 00:17:14,284
[chuckles]

338
00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:19,498
It's funny, 'cause whenever my mom
has something tough to talk about with me,

339
00:17:19,580 --> 00:17:23,417
she'll, um... you know,
she'll start it off saying something

340
00:17:23,502 --> 00:17:27,506
about, I don't know,
something weird, something overtly nice.

341
00:17:27,589 --> 00:17:29,716
And, uh, yeah, I just thought the idea

342
00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:33,762
of a cat and a bird
being all simpatico was nice.

343
00:17:39,059 --> 00:17:42,855
Look, Roy, we've been talking about
the starting lineup against Man City--

344
00:17:42,938 --> 00:17:44,606
Don't you dare.
You're not fucking benching me.

345
00:17:44,690 --> 00:17:47,442
-Well, no. I'm just talking here, Roy. I--
-Yeah, talking. That's all you do is talk.

346
00:17:47,526 --> 00:17:49,570
Talking all that bullshit
about how you've got my back.

347
00:17:49,653 --> 00:17:51,822
-No. Hey, I do have your back.
-Bullshit!

348
00:17:51,905 --> 00:17:54,366
You pretended to be a man of your word.
You're fucking full of shit.

349
00:17:54,449 --> 00:17:57,077
You can go fuck yourself. Fuck you!

350
00:18:04,710 --> 00:18:06,211
[sighs]

351
00:18:11,049 --> 00:18:12,301
[plucks bass string]

352
00:18:12,384 --> 00:18:14,678
There are a lot of surprises
happening here.

353
00:18:16,638 --> 00:18:18,348
Like that tiny little beard.

354
00:18:18,932 --> 00:18:23,395
It's called a Van Dyke
after the 17th century Flemish painter.

355
00:18:23,478 --> 00:18:26,273
-Oh. Right.
-And I think it makes me look how I feel.

356
00:18:27,024 --> 00:18:28,275
Chill.

357
00:18:28,358 --> 00:18:30,527
How does Mrs. Higgins feel about it?

358
00:18:30,611 --> 00:18:32,571
She hates it with a white-hot intensity.

359
00:18:32,654 --> 00:18:34,198
[chuckles]

360
00:18:35,407 --> 00:18:36,909
Right. Look...

361
00:18:38,202 --> 00:18:40,704
I came clean to Ted.
I told him everything.

362
00:18:41,330 --> 00:18:42,331
Oh.

363
00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:43,790
How did that go?

364
00:18:43,874 --> 00:18:47,085
You know what the little shit did?
He forgave me.

365
00:18:47,169 --> 00:18:49,421
-[Higgins] Fucking asshole.
-I know.

366
00:18:50,547 --> 00:18:53,717
But that's not actually why I'm here.

367
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:55,511
I wanted to apologize to you for...

368
00:18:57,304 --> 00:18:58,472
treating you so poorly

369
00:18:58,555 --> 00:19:02,518
and forcing you to be an accomplice
in my moronically childish scheme.

370
00:19:02,601 --> 00:19:05,145
I am truly sorry, Higgins.

371
00:19:05,729 --> 00:19:06,730
[exhales]

372
00:19:08,524 --> 00:19:09,650
Wow. Uh...

373
00:19:10,943 --> 00:19:13,070
Thank-- Thank you, Rebecca.

374
00:19:15,239 --> 00:19:16,990
I lost my way for a minute.

375
00:19:17,407 --> 00:19:18,325
Yeah.

376
00:19:19,034 --> 00:19:20,035
But I'm on the road back.

377
00:19:20,786 --> 00:19:22,788
I can tell. You know what, it suits you.

378
00:19:22,871 --> 00:19:24,331
Unlike that beard. Ooh!

379
00:19:24,414 --> 00:19:25,499
Oh.

380
00:19:25,582 --> 00:19:27,960
Sorry. Had to. [chuckles]

381
00:19:29,878 --> 00:19:31,171
[headphones: rock music playing]

382
00:19:31,255 --> 00:19:34,091
I don't think I've ever had a child
in my house before.

383
00:19:34,174 --> 00:19:35,717
-What about Jamie?
-[Keeley chuckles]

384
00:19:37,094 --> 00:19:39,096
Oh, we can't let her
go snooping around though.

385
00:19:39,179 --> 00:19:41,223
I don't want her to find my vibrator.

386
00:19:41,306 --> 00:19:44,393
Yeah, that's gonna be a problem.
Her mum said no electronics.

387
00:19:44,476 --> 00:19:45,853
[laughs]

388
00:19:48,188 --> 00:19:50,482
So, how are you doing?

389
00:19:51,358 --> 00:19:52,359
Fine.

390
00:19:55,529 --> 00:19:57,990
[Keeley] I do kind of think
kids are pretty incredible.

391
00:19:58,073 --> 00:20:00,200
I mean, she's got new teeth
that push out her old teeth.

392
00:20:00,284 --> 00:20:01,994
The body is a miracle.

393
00:20:02,077 --> 00:20:03,704
You know,
the last time I was on the bench...

394
00:20:03,787 --> 00:20:05,289
Oh, you are ready to talk
about real stuff.

395
00:20:05,372 --> 00:20:06,582
That's great.

396
00:20:06,665 --> 00:20:09,668
Um, wait one second.

397
00:20:11,795 --> 00:20:12,796
Come sit here.

398
00:20:17,843 --> 00:20:18,927
Take this.

399
00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:22,389
Okay, we're both ready. Lay it on me.

400
00:20:25,309 --> 00:20:27,477
Roy Kent has been the best player
on every team he's been on

401
00:20:27,561 --> 00:20:28,896
since he was a kid.

402
00:20:28,979 --> 00:20:31,315
I like being Roy Kent.

403
00:20:31,398 --> 00:20:35,319
I don't know if I can handle just being
some loser has-been called Roy.

404
00:20:35,903 --> 00:20:39,489
"All right, Roy?" Yeah.
"What you been up to?" Fuck all.

405
00:20:39,573 --> 00:20:44,453
God. I think men who feel sorry
for themselves are so sexy.

406
00:20:44,536 --> 00:20:47,080
-Stop it.
-No, seriously. I do.

407
00:20:47,164 --> 00:20:50,250
And if you start telling me how hard
it is playing a game for a living,

408
00:20:50,334 --> 00:20:51,293
I think I might come.

409
00:20:51,376 --> 00:20:53,045
It's not just a game to me.

410
00:20:54,046 --> 00:20:55,547
It's all I've ever known.

411
00:20:56,256 --> 00:20:57,841
It's who I am.

412
00:20:57,925 --> 00:20:59,426
It's all I am.

413
00:20:59,510 --> 00:21:02,012
Phoebe? Phoebe?

414
00:21:02,095 --> 00:21:03,639
Can you come here for a second?

415
00:21:06,975 --> 00:21:09,228
You were right. Zeppelin is amazing.

416
00:21:09,728 --> 00:21:11,063
Wait till you hear Cream.

417
00:21:11,146 --> 00:21:14,149
But first, I need you
to close your eyes for me, yeah?

418
00:21:15,150 --> 00:21:17,653
Okay. Can you describe your Uncle Roy?

419
00:21:17,736 --> 00:21:20,614
Everything that you can think of. Go.

420
00:21:21,198 --> 00:21:24,993
Well, he's my uncle.
His beard is scratchy.

421
00:21:25,077 --> 00:21:27,371
He buys me ice cream.

422
00:21:27,454 --> 00:21:28,872
He swears a lot.

423
00:21:29,831 --> 00:21:31,708
He's really funny.

424
00:21:32,209 --> 00:21:34,586
And I love him.

425
00:21:36,755 --> 00:21:38,465
Well done, Phoebe.

426
00:21:39,424 --> 00:21:42,302
See? I didn't hear anything
about being a footballer.

427
00:21:43,136 --> 00:21:45,639
Who gives a shit what she has to say?
She's six.

428
00:21:46,473 --> 00:21:50,227
The point is, you don't know
what people think about Roy Kent.

429
00:21:50,310 --> 00:21:54,398
Secondly, all that matters, Roy Kent,
is what you think about Roy.

430
00:22:06,618 --> 00:22:08,829
That your old girl playing chess
with some other bloke?

431
00:22:09,329 --> 00:22:11,290
-Yep.
-That's fucking brutal.

432
00:22:11,373 --> 00:22:13,041
She's just playing her game.

433
00:22:13,542 --> 00:22:14,626
You stay strong, you hear?

434
00:22:15,127 --> 00:22:16,503
You're a beautiful man.

435
00:22:20,007 --> 00:22:21,091
[Ted] Hey, fellas.

436
00:22:25,429 --> 00:22:27,848
Well, that's a lot of pints just for us.

437
00:22:27,931 --> 00:22:30,058
I thought you might've had
a tough time with Roy.

438
00:22:30,142 --> 00:22:34,188
Coach, you are a natural-born caregiver.
Like Chief from Cuckoo's Nest.

439
00:22:35,022 --> 00:22:36,899
I was always more of a Taber guy.

440
00:22:40,903 --> 00:22:44,656
But if I'm being honest, I actually
never got around to telling Roy.

441
00:22:45,574 --> 00:22:48,452
Now, don't give me those eyes.
He figured it out all on his own.

442
00:22:49,745 --> 00:22:51,914
I can see you're happy now, but don't be.

443
00:22:51,997 --> 00:22:53,665
'Cause I've been thinking about it
and, um...

444
00:22:54,291 --> 00:22:56,460
well, I'm starting Roy
against Man City and that's that.

445
00:22:57,044 --> 00:22:59,922
Look, putting him on the bench
wouldn't just be humiliating to him,

446
00:23:00,005 --> 00:23:02,341
it could actually affect his livelihood.

447
00:23:03,091 --> 00:23:05,636
And you know better than anyone
that all this ain't about winning to me.

448
00:23:05,719 --> 00:23:07,387
'Cause that ain't
how we measure success, right?

449
00:23:07,471 --> 00:23:08,847
Damn it, it is!

450
00:23:08,931 --> 00:23:10,682
-[chattering stops]
-[patrons gasp]

451
00:23:13,352 --> 00:23:16,855
Hey. Who put a firecracker
up your butt and lit it?

452
00:23:16,939 --> 00:23:19,775
You did! And I'm sick of it.

453
00:23:19,858 --> 00:23:22,027
Look, I understood this mission
when we were in Kansas.

454
00:23:22,110 --> 00:23:23,862
But those were kids
and these are professionals

455
00:23:23,946 --> 00:23:25,447
and winning does matter to them.

456
00:23:25,531 --> 00:23:28,242
And it matters to me. And that's okay.

457
00:23:29,409 --> 00:23:32,120
-Ain't that right, Mae?
-A-fucking-men it is.

458
00:23:35,082 --> 00:23:36,959
How do you not get it?
Losing has repercussions.

459
00:23:37,042 --> 00:23:38,502
We lose, we get relegated.

460
00:23:38,585 --> 00:23:41,213
We get relegated, this is over
and we will have built nothing.

461
00:23:41,797 --> 00:23:45,425
And if you wanna pick a player's feelings
over a coach's duty to make a point...

462
00:23:47,010 --> 00:23:48,846
I don't wanna drink
with someone that selfish.

463
00:23:54,226 --> 00:23:56,728
That was the sexiest fucking thing
I've ever seen in my life.

464
00:23:56,812 --> 00:23:57,938
Get your things.

465
00:23:58,522 --> 00:24:00,023
She's been toying with you.

466
00:24:00,941 --> 00:24:03,110
Checkmate, mate.

467
00:24:05,153 --> 00:24:07,698
[rock music playing]

468
00:24:21,628 --> 00:24:23,630
[song continues]

469
00:24:34,057 --> 00:24:35,809
[horn honks]

470
00:24:44,067 --> 00:24:45,652
-I'm good.
-You got a nut allergy?

471
00:24:45,736 --> 00:24:47,279
I got a finger allergy.

472
00:24:47,863 --> 00:24:49,907
What else have I got to offer you here?
We got red wine.

473
00:24:50,741 --> 00:24:51,742
We got tea.

474
00:24:51,825 --> 00:24:52,826
Ooh.

475
00:24:53,410 --> 00:24:54,536
Two-day-old pasta water.

476
00:24:54,953 --> 00:24:56,246
Tea's fine.

477
00:24:57,331 --> 00:24:59,249
Look, I'm sorry I told you
to go fuck yourself.

478
00:24:59,333 --> 00:25:02,461
-Eh, la-di-da.
-I'm usually better at hiding my anger.

479
00:25:03,837 --> 00:25:04,838
You think so, huh?

480
00:25:05,255 --> 00:25:06,298
Mm.

481
00:25:06,381 --> 00:25:07,883
Know thyself.

482
00:25:07,966 --> 00:25:09,343
Rest in peace, Socrates.

483
00:25:12,221 --> 00:25:14,056
Told my niece I might not be playing.

484
00:25:14,598 --> 00:25:16,934
She asked if we could go get ice cream.

485
00:25:17,017 --> 00:25:19,645
Well, hey, at least you had someone
you could talk to, right?

486
00:25:20,270 --> 00:25:21,271
How was the ice cream?

487
00:25:21,355 --> 00:25:23,065
Good. It's fucking ice cream.

488
00:25:23,148 --> 00:25:24,858
Yeah, right? Ice cream's the best.

489
00:25:25,275 --> 00:25:27,528
It's kinda like seeing Billy Joel
perform live, you know?

490
00:25:27,611 --> 00:25:28,612
It never disappoints.

491
00:25:29,071 --> 00:25:31,532
-Mm-hmm.
-It does give me the toots though.

492
00:25:32,115 --> 00:25:33,450
The ice cream, not Billy Joel.

493
00:25:33,867 --> 00:25:37,329
I asked her if she was still gonna
watch the match if I wasn't playing.

494
00:25:37,788 --> 00:25:38,789
[Ted] Yeah?

495
00:25:38,872 --> 00:25:43,126
Little shit said yes. Didn't even blink.
Just straight into my face.

496
00:25:43,210 --> 00:25:45,879
-Well, hey. That's showbiz, ain't it?
-Mm.

497
00:25:45,963 --> 00:25:48,298
I promised myself I was never
gonna watch Fresh Prince again

498
00:25:48,382 --> 00:25:49,800
when they swapped out Aunt Vivs.

499
00:25:49,883 --> 00:25:52,761
But truth be told, as long
as they let Carlton do his thing,

500
00:25:52,845 --> 00:25:54,847
I was always gonna take a minute
and just sit right there.

501
00:25:55,222 --> 00:25:57,349
Sidebar: Alfonso Ribeiro,

502
00:25:57,432 --> 00:26:01,103
the greatest physical comedian
of the 19th, 20th and 21st century.

503
00:26:01,562 --> 00:26:02,771
Case in point right here.

504
00:26:04,064 --> 00:26:05,607
Iconic, yeah?

505
00:26:05,691 --> 00:26:08,652
I never know how to react when a grown man
does the Carlton in front of me.

506
00:26:08,735 --> 00:26:11,154
You could see a silhouette doing this,
you know exactly what it is,

507
00:26:11,238 --> 00:26:15,367
you know exactly who's doing it.
It is the one, the only, Alfonso--

508
00:26:15,450 --> 00:26:17,995
-[woman pounds floor] Knock it off!
-Sorry, Ms. Shipley!

509
00:26:18,078 --> 00:26:20,080
It has been a whole thing this last week.

510
00:26:20,163 --> 00:26:22,958
[sighs] Anyway. You know what we could do?

511
00:26:23,041 --> 00:26:24,376
You've been hurt off and on all season.

512
00:26:24,459 --> 00:26:26,879
Why don't we just say you're injured,
you can't play? No shame in that.

513
00:26:27,421 --> 00:26:29,923
That would help protect my stock
if I wanna move next season.

514
00:26:30,716 --> 00:26:32,718
Maybe to a club
that actually wants to start me.

515
00:26:32,801 --> 00:26:33,802
Come on.

516
00:26:33,886 --> 00:26:38,473
What if, God forbid, I end up
having to play in fucking America,

517
00:26:38,891 --> 00:26:40,642
where I'd dominate, by the way.

518
00:26:40,726 --> 00:26:43,353
They'd be like,
"Oh, is this football then?"

519
00:26:43,437 --> 00:26:45,939
Well, obviously, my preference
would be to have you there.

520
00:26:46,023 --> 00:26:48,066
At practice tomorrow and the game.

521
00:26:48,150 --> 00:26:51,528
But hey,
you gotta do what's right for you.

522
00:26:58,493 --> 00:26:59,494
Can I think about it?

523
00:27:00,454 --> 00:27:02,789
I'd call you a big dummy, poo-poo face
if you didn't.

524
00:27:09,213 --> 00:27:10,339
[groans]

525
00:27:11,173 --> 00:27:14,259
Be honest with me. It's a prank, right?
The tea.

526
00:27:14,343 --> 00:27:17,346
Like, when us tourist folks aren't around,
y'all know this tastes like garbage.

527
00:27:17,804 --> 00:27:20,015
No. I love it.

528
00:27:20,098 --> 00:27:21,808
You don't love it. It's pigeon sweat.

529
00:27:22,768 --> 00:27:23,769
[exhales]

530
00:27:25,437 --> 00:27:28,148
Mm. Horrible. Horrible.

531
00:27:28,232 --> 00:27:29,566
-[Higgins] Yeah.
-[Rebecca chuckles]

532
00:27:29,650 --> 00:27:32,486
No, get rid of the small one and bring
back the tall one. He's got bigger hands.

533
00:27:32,569 --> 00:27:36,365
Bing-bong! It's biscuits o'clock.
[chuckles]

534
00:27:36,448 --> 00:27:38,492
-Higgins! You're back!
-Yeah!

535
00:27:38,575 --> 00:27:42,496
All right. Well, hey, I know I may be
a little too old-school for some folks,

536
00:27:42,579 --> 00:27:44,873
but I'm gonna say it anyway.
Hell to the yeah.

537
00:27:44,957 --> 00:27:46,959
-Good to see you.
-Nice to see you too.

538
00:27:47,042 --> 00:27:49,127
-Here you go, boss. Those are yours.
-Thank you, Ted.

539
00:27:49,211 --> 00:27:51,255
-[Ted] Mm-hmm.
-Oh, you've got to try one of these.

540
00:27:51,338 --> 00:27:54,842
Oh, no, he does not. Caring is sharing,
but I brought Higgins his own.

541
00:27:54,925 --> 00:27:55,926
-What?
-[Ted chuckles]

542
00:27:56,343 --> 00:27:57,302
How did you know?

543
00:27:57,386 --> 00:27:59,096
Well, I had a hunch
you were gonna be here.

544
00:27:59,179 --> 00:28:00,848
-Yeah. [chuckles]
-Oh, wow.

545
00:28:00,931 --> 00:28:03,600
Actually, those were for Trent Crimm's
daughter. She turns three today.

546
00:28:03,684 --> 00:28:07,187
-But it means more to me if you had 'em.
-What? No. No, no. Come on.

547
00:28:07,271 --> 00:28:08,647
No. It's okay. She won't remember.

548
00:28:08,730 --> 00:28:10,399
Oh, Ted, you've already told her?

549
00:28:10,482 --> 00:28:12,109
Yeah, weeks ago.
She's been looking forward to it.

550
00:28:12,192 --> 00:28:14,236
But she's three. She'll bounce right back.
It'll be fine.

551
00:28:14,319 --> 00:28:15,988
-No way.
-No, no. I insist. I insist.

552
00:28:16,071 --> 00:28:17,948
I'm screwing with you.
I'm just messing around.

553
00:28:18,031 --> 00:28:20,784
I predicted this whole thing,
and I made those myself for you.

554
00:28:20,868 --> 00:28:22,327
Oh. Thank you.

555
00:28:22,411 --> 00:28:24,246
[both babbling]

556
00:28:24,329 --> 00:28:26,790
Okay, y'all. I'll see you in a little bit,
okay? Let's go, Greyhounds.

557
00:28:26,874 --> 00:28:28,584
-Whoo!
-[Rebecca chuckles]

558
00:28:28,667 --> 00:28:30,711
Yeah, these are definitely
for a little girl.

559
00:28:30,794 --> 00:28:33,213
Maybe he thinks you're silly
and playful and mysterious.

560
00:28:33,297 --> 00:28:34,381
Oh, sure.

561
00:28:34,464 --> 00:28:35,924
[chattering]

562
00:28:49,021 --> 00:28:51,773
Okay, fellas! Need y'all to listen up.

563
00:28:53,108 --> 00:28:54,276
Coach.

564
00:28:55,569 --> 00:28:56,570
Coach.

565
00:29:00,657 --> 00:29:02,826
-Now--
-I know now's not the best time, Coach,

566
00:29:02,910 --> 00:29:06,163
but I have been feeling physically sick
since walking away from you the other day.

567
00:29:06,622 --> 00:29:08,165
Plus last night,
I had a horrible nightmare

568
00:29:08,248 --> 00:29:10,292
that I was pecking you to death
like a crow.

569
00:29:10,375 --> 00:29:11,460
I'm so sorry.

570
00:29:12,044 --> 00:29:14,713
It's okay, Nate.
We're all good in the hood, all right?

571
00:29:15,130 --> 00:29:16,715
-Oh, yeah.
-But hey, but do me a favor.

572
00:29:16,798 --> 00:29:19,259
Try to apologize to me in your dream
so we're good on that side of things too.

573
00:29:19,343 --> 00:29:20,928
-Oh, yeah. Of course.
-Thank you.

574
00:29:21,011 --> 00:29:23,722
Now, fellas, we got ourselves
a heck of a match comin' up, yeah?

575
00:29:23,805 --> 00:29:24,806
[players murmur]

576
00:29:24,890 --> 00:29:26,517
And what I'm gonna need
from all of y'all--

577
00:29:36,777 --> 00:29:37,778
Sorry, mate.

578
00:29:38,320 --> 00:29:41,573
My six-year-old niece
found my girlfriend's vibrator.

579
00:29:43,116 --> 00:29:44,660
So I had to take her
to get her ears pierced

580
00:29:44,743 --> 00:29:46,411
in an attempt to erase the memory.

581
00:29:46,495 --> 00:29:48,497
[players murmuring]

582
00:29:48,580 --> 00:29:49,831
Been there.

583
00:29:50,749 --> 00:29:51,750
Can I say something?

584
00:29:51,834 --> 00:29:53,460
Floor is yours, Captain.

585
00:29:54,545 --> 00:29:55,629
[sighs]

586
00:29:57,339 --> 00:30:00,133
Second team's gonna kick
first team's fucking asses today.

587
00:30:00,217 --> 00:30:03,303
[chattering, laughing]

588
00:30:09,434 --> 00:30:12,479
All right, fellas! Finish getting ready,
and then we'll do what the man says.

589
00:30:12,563 --> 00:30:14,231
We'll settle this out on the pitch.
Let's go.

590
00:30:17,568 --> 00:30:20,362
[rock music playing]

591
00:30:20,445 --> 00:30:22,614
[chattering]

592
00:30:36,837 --> 00:30:39,089
[music continues]