(light string music playing)
(person groaning)
Speaker: I used to think my legacy lay in the arts.
In music, to be precise.
My brother? Ugh, he was a prodigy on the violin.
Everything came easily to him.
Me? I had to work at things.
(gasps) Did you hear that?
Just the tiniest little bit of fourth finger vibrato.
What do you want from me?
"Blackbeard Breaks Ned Low's Record."
(whispers) I'm Ned.
I told you...
I haven't seen Blackbeard's ship.
(screams)
I never did become a renowned violinist.
My record... that was my legacy.
Eighty-eight consecutive raids at sea.
(whispers) And he took that from me.
He took it.
I don't know where Blackbeard is.
No, no, no, no, no. I-I've been tracking him for ages.
I know exactly where he is.
- Why are you doing this? - (whispers) Because, my love...
I'm still a musician at heart.
- (sizzling) - (lighthouse keeper wails)
God, that was a beautiful pitch.
That was really nice.
(screaming)
- (normal) Let's loosen up. - (lighthouse keeper wailing)
- A bit more from the diaphragm. - (sizzling)
- Less from the throat. - (deeper wailing)
(gasps) You have a lovely, natural instrument.
(birds cawing)
(pensive music playing)
(thundering)
Oh, look, it's scowl-y face.
Oh, look... you're talkin' to me again.
Yeah.
Sorry, I'm a bit drunk, I thought you were Roach.
Jesus. You're really puttin' that away, aren't you?
Yes, I am.
Somethin's wrong.
Feels like a storm is coming, but I can't see it.
Or maybe you're just a mopey twat
and there isn't a fuckin' storm.
(sighs)
Sorry about your leg.
♪
Fuck off.
Ta-da!
I put all of your remaining treasure in one room.
It was all over the place,
and I was tripping over it.
And some of it's quite ugly.
Excellent. A reminder of all my guilt.
A guilt room.
Well, maybe you could do something good with it.
I'm inside a snake, man! I'm inside of a fuckin' snake.
And I'm like, I feel like a snake, move like a snake,
ya know, and I get a knife and I just stab the fucker.
And then I... (growls) And then I, like, crawl out, and then they're like,
"Surprise!" (laughing) 'Cause it was my birthday.
And then we just spit-roasted that snake, it was delicious.
(chuckles) So, um, (clears throat) what do you guys do
for parties around here?
- Uh... - Oh!
Oh, yeah. We, we rage.
- (laughs) I thought you might. - Oluwande: Yeah.
- Roach: Yeah, we rage! - Fuckin' rage.
- D-Do you? - Yeah.
Oluwande: Heavy on the rage. (chuckles)
Hm, do we?
I haven't crawled out of a snake in years.
Yeah, guys. It's been kinda slow around here.
I mean, last night, we just reorganized furniture.
Yeah, well, improvement in the flow is undeniable.
- Have you seen this place? - (crewmembers agreeing)
Yeah, but I'll be honest. We are a bit boring now, aren't we?
- Ugh. - Yeah, yeah, that's right.
Well, it's a happy coincidence then
that today is Calypso's birthday.
- (gasps) - Oh, yeah!
- Yeah! Shit, that's today? - Yeah, it certainly is.
The most holy day in the Calypsian calendar.
And seeing as many of us here are Calypsish--
Oh, yeah, I'm Calypsish.
You're Calypsish, you're Calypsish.
Archie: Wait, wait, wait.
Is Calypso's birthday something that you guys
just made up, just invented so that we can have a party?
- (Oluwande chuckles) - Correctamundo.
(all cheering)
- Yeah, it is! - Ay, Calypso birthday!
You can buy new clothes. Or how's this?
Give a lot of it away to those less fortunate.
- (footsteps approach) - Yeah.
Hey, uh, Captains,
um, your crew were just wondering if we're doin' anything
- for Calypso's birthday. - Calypso's birthday?
Correct. It's a day of observance.
By far, the holiest of days in our culture.
Traditionally celebrated by a big bash.
Well, we-- Definitely. We should, um--
Yes. We'll-- I'll, I'll get onto that.
Have fun.
(whispers) We should do that.
Yeah, uh, so they're just tryin' to Calypso you.
Um, it's totally just a huge made-up excuse for a big party.
Oh.
Well, you know what?
You could use this loot
to pay for a big bash.
Turn poison into positivity!
Poison into positivity.
Prince Ricky Banes: The evils of piracy have plagued our nations
and our communities for long enough.
Indeed, I was minding my own business
and I was beset by brigands.
You?! You robbed me?
And those 20-something brigands... took my nose.
- (Prince Ricky screams) - (slices)
So, it's up to us fine gentlemen
to stand up against this modern piracy
and stay vigilant.
(applause)
(indistinct chatter)
Remarkable speech, Prince.
This was delivered by messenger this morning.
Oh.
(lute music plays)
Stede Bonnet: Alright. Party supplies on Ed.
- Jim: We're gonna need flowers and lanterns. - (excited chatter)
Fang: Ooh, we're gonna need a goat.
And some rum. A rum-drinking goat!
So, what do we think Calypso drinks?
Bearing in mind Blackbeard is payin', so let's--
Oh, whoa, whoa. Then I reckon she drinks a fine brandy.
- One worthy of a goddess. - Yeah.
- Yeah.
We've only got rum.
One type.
Cheap.
- Well, we'll take that, then. Yeah. - Yep, yep.
Blackbeard: Hey, urchins, I'm gonna change your lives.
Here's 50,000 doubloons.
You know how long it was till I had that kinda money?
A fuckin' long time.
And here is a knife.
You stab anyone who comes near that money, okay?
I want a knife.
Yeah, you can have a knife, too.
Pro tip here: When you're killing someone,
okay, don't bother stabbing, alright?
Chances are they'll survive.
You wanna slash
big, deep slashes side to side
so the guts all fall out.
Hey.
Did I see you offer
both these children knives...
and a big bag of money?
Yeah. Yeah, well, I just
thought I'd give these filthy, little gutter rats,
uh, the head start that I never had.
- Poison into positivity. - Ahh.
Are you a pirate?
- No, we're not pirates. - No.
And you won't be pirates either.
Okay? We own an inn.
Yes, of course. How can I forget?
Blackbeard: Don't pirate, kids. Alright?
Stede: Agree. Don't be pirates. Don't be pirates.
(tense music playing)
I see you've received our invitation.
Hm. That's a very interesting way to describe blackmail.
Do we like the term "blackmail"?
(chuckles) It's so unpleasant.
Can we just say that I...
(deep inhale) I see you...
clearly.
Ah... Ah.
Left a bit of yourself behind
- at Spanish Jackie's, eh? - Auntie, please.
He's been through enough.
He's disfigured himself as a result
of a business deal gone wrong.
No, no, we don't need to pile on.
I would be very careful who you trifle with, Zheng Yi Sao.
'Cause I'm a minor prince.
- And that's why we're blackmailing you. - Ah.
Again, I don't like that term. (chuckles)
"Minor prince." "Pirate queen who bent China to her will."
These are, these are just labels.
I don't wanna talk about who you are.
(laughs) I wanna talk about... who you could be.
- (Zheng pouring tea) - Prince Ricky: Hm.
("Wasting My Time" by Harry Mosco playing)
Roach: Here we go, guys. The snacks are ready.
(muffled music playing)
- What's all this, then? - I'm working on my look.
Look?
The fuck's a look?
Well, tonight I'm going as the Sea Goddess Calypso.
I'm thinking dramatic eyes, dramatic lips.
Drama on the cheeks.
♪
(crew cheering, laughing)
Now, it's imperative you do not sip until Calypso herself decrees.
- Roach: Ah! Come on! - May the goddess have mercy on this thirsty little guy.
- (laughter) - Pirate: Woo!
(laughs) What is this?
Archie: Ah! Welcome, ye party animules!
- Oh, thank you. - For you!
Hang on, that's my tub!
Is it? Oh, yeah. Sorry, I'm new here.
The moving of the tub, it's a sacred tradition!
- Yeah, this guy's devout as fuck! - Just go with it.
Fine. As long as it's returned without a dent.
- Jim: Gah! - (Stede yelps)
Do you feel that?
- (Jim speaks Spanish) - (Archie exclaiming)
Roach: Oh! She must be near!
- (indistinct yelling) - (laughter)
Wee John Feeney: Greetings, mortals.
- All: Ooh! - Whoa! Is that Wee John?
'Tis I, Calypso.
(crewmembers vocalizing)
Raise your motherfucking glasses
or feel my absolute wrath.
(all cheering)
- (Wee John laughing) - (indistinct yelling)
(sings) ♪ La, la ♪
Yeah, just play that. Just follow my beat.
(Frenchie playing "La Vie En Rose" on lute)
(sings) ♪ Hold me close and hold me fast ♪
♪ The magic spell you cast ♪
♪ This is la vie en rose ♪
♪ When you kiss me, heaven sighs ♪
- ♪ And though I close my eyes ♪ - (Wee John sighs)
♪ I see la vie en rose ♪
- ♪ When you press me to your heart... ♪ - What's happening right now?
- I think you did it. - Did what?
Turned the poison into positivity.
♪ And when you speak ♪
- ♪ Angels sing from above ♪ - Come on.
♪ Everyday words seem to turn into love ♪
- (loud bang) - (all scream)
Stede: Oh, God! We're under attack!
- (indistinct yelling) - (cannon fire)
- (screaming) - Get down!
Roach: What's happening?! Is it fireworks?!
Good evening, doomed crew of "The Revenge."
(sighs) Ned Low. Fuckin' perfect.
Oh, I'm going to torture you all, by the way.
(tense music playing)
Ned Low: Ya know, uh, we've never met.
But there's a reason for that.
Because I only hang out with cool pirates.
No. The reason is that I have always thought
you were a very...
generic pirate.
Ya know? Beard? Check.
- Hair? Check. - Fuck off.
Tattoos? Check. Ya know, just sort of a typical, common,
dirty... bag of pirate.
I didn't even want your fuckin' record.
I only broke it 'cause I was bored.
Mm-hmm. Hm.
Ya know, music came very easily to my younger brother.
Let me guess, you killed him?
Strung up your little fiddle bow with his guts
or something super melodramatic like that.
- Ooh, shit. Struck a chord. I think you got it in one. - Oh. (laughs) Yeah.
It's usually something like that.
It's often family-based stuff.
I will (yells) not
be undone by another idiot savant!
- (screaming) - Fuck you!
(groans, sighs) You torture like a bitch.
- Oh, yeah? - That's good.
But maybe don't encourage him.
Hey. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- It's me you want. It's me you want! - Oh, oh! Ooh, ooh, ooh!
- Don't! I'm gonna fuckin'... - (screaming)
...kill you, you fucker!
Pirate: This is really gonna hurt.
- (screaming) - Just so you know.
Relax. Oh, I'm tender-headed, ya know?
(groans) Alright! Okay! (yells)
(laughs) I don't think the torture has begun.
Wait, so it gets worse than this?
Yeah, it gets way worse.
So, what's the plan, you weird fuck?
Um, yeah, I'm probably gonna cut your skin off
in strips or some bullshit like that.
You don't sound very excited about it.
Hm. Uh, what are we, uh,
what are we celebrating here, guys?
- It's Calypso's birthday. - (chuckles) Calypso.
- Uh, I'm Calypso. - Oh, God.
Guys, they (chuckles) Calypso'd them.
- (all laughing) - Ned would shit his pants if we did that. (laughs)
Yeah, Captain likes a bit of whimsy now and then.
Well, I guess our captains have very different ideas about whimsy.
Uh, may-maybe we should talk about it.
- No. Same shit, different day. - (groans) Okay. Okay. Okay.
- I'll shut up. I'll shut up. - Ya know, whatever this is,
it's just gonna turn me on.
- Oh, really? - Uh-huh.
Go fuck yourself.
Wow. We were in there for a, a whole day.
(sighs) I guess this is just engaged life.
Here's to... 24 hours of...
freaky... uninterrupted love.
Mm.
Yeah, why weren't we interrupted? Where is everyone?
(crew screaming)
- That doesn't sound-- - Are we... under attack?
(groaning)
Comfy?
Tighter, please. I think you've almost fixed my lower back.
- (Blackbeard screams) - Ned: Mmm.
Alright, you idiots. It's almost showtime.
Everyone settled in?
Prepared to give their finest performance?
(crewmembers groaning)
Can you hurry up?
Do you want it done fast or do you want it done well?
Both!
(mutters) Yeah, right. Both.
Torturing us won't get your record back.
I know that. I'm just doing it for the lolz.
(groans)
Now, you are about to witness...
a little something I call... "The Symphony."
Let's all tune up! Tuning up!
(all screaming at different pitches)
Black Pete (whispers): Okay, so, let's see here.
Weapons. Weapons. Weapons.
Babe, here's everything I could find that's sharp or pointy.
Oh, my God, that's actually, like, making me nauseous.
- We really have to, like, do something. - Yeah, yeah. No, no.
Maybe we just, like, tell their stories.
And in some ways, isn't that the best revenge?
But we're not really at the revenge step.
We're sort of in the, like... pre-revenge window.
But there's a bunch of them and two of us.
(crewmembers screaming)
Right, so, so, so, like, a plan.
Yeah, we definitely need a plan.
And we probably need more knives.
We definitely need more knives.
Okay, I'll go get some.
Okay. Like, a bunch more knives.
(groaning, screaming)
- Ah! Jesus! Ah! - No! You're late!
- Pirate: I wasn't late. - It really hurts!
Oh, thank you.
It's nice to get a little positive reinforcement now and again.
Don't talk to my employee.
- Oh, God. - Oh, that's the problem.
You see her as your employee
rather than the person she actually is.
Okay... kill him.
- (pirate groans) - Alrighty, dumbasses.
- Let's take it from the top! - (screaming)
- Enough trifling! - Oh!
Release my crew or Hellkat-- Is it Hellkat?
Uh, it's actually H-Hellkat Maggie.
- Oh, that's a beautiful name. - Oh, thank you.
Hellkat Maggie gets it.
(scoffs) Go ahead and kill her.
She can't even tie a rope correctly.
Maybe I'm demoralized by your constant fucking criticism.
Pirate: Me too. I've had enough of the shiny fuck.
I don't like the way it makes me feel working for you.
- Yeah, this job sucks. - (Ned's crew agreeing)
You're mercenaries. You don't have feelings.
How about you stop telling me who I am?
- Yeah, and she has a name. - Yeah.
- A beautiful one. - (door slams open)
Black Pete (yelling): Fuck yeah! You wanna get crazy?
Let's get fuckin' crazy!
Guys, Stede's already got this!
- Oluwande: Yeah. Where you been? - We got engaged.
- All: Aww. - Oh, I love that.
Anywho, where were we? Oh, that's right.
Your lot was turning, weren't you?
- Hellkat Maggie: Mm-hmm. - Stede: Good.
Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. Come on. Come on.
Please. Let's have a little professionalism.
Oh, now he's saying please. (laughs)
Who's comin' in late now, Neddy?
♪
Oh, in summary, you have built a pirate navy,
and you want the Crown to pay them not to pirate.
Correct. Pay them a living wage.
Then they will stop stealing your shit.
Do you know where a fifth of your nation's treasure winds up?
- On the sea floor. - On the floor of the sea.
Get out. No way, the sea floor?
But you-you are gonna end all that.
You could end all that.
Oh, because of Papa's access to the Treasury?
Zheng Yi Sao: Yes, but more importantly,
because you're Prince Richard Banes,
respected pirate abolitionist.
And you could be the man to end all piracy
without firing a single shot.
- (strikes match) - Shot.
Thanks for the treasure, Bonnet!
You're a good dude.
Awfully sorry to hear about your mum, Vincent.
Hope she's feeling better soon.
Thanks, Bonnet. You're the fuckin' man, bro.
Alright. Full sail, dawgs!
Oh, and I mean that supportively and affectionately.
Ned: You are all a disgrace!
I'll find you! I'll hunt you down!
Hellkat Maggie: Alright, gang! Let's talk profit sharing.
- (Ned's crew cheers) - Pirate: Woo-hoo-hoo! Maggie!
(Ned sighs)
So... Bland Beard.
How ya gonna do it?
I'm not. I don't respect you enough to kill you.
You're not worth the poison.
What happened to you? What happened?
You used to be a killer,
but now you're just a washed-up, low-born...
- dirtbag. - (gasps)
- Walk! - Oh. Oh, oh, now this is how ya do it.
This is what it's all about right here.
Go.
♪
Get up.
- (plank creaks) - Ned: On the plank?
Yeah.
Oh, that is kinky.
You're gonna toss me into the sea?
♪
Works for spiders. Works for men.
Ya know, um, once you kill me,
you are a real pirate.
You're, you're not an amateur anymore.
Don't do it, Stede.
Killing in cold blood, you can't come back from that.
See? That's why he likes you.
It's because of your bumbling amateur status.
You're like a pet, I think.
You hurt my crew.
You shit-talked my friend and damaged my ship.
But worst of all, you fucked Calypso's birthday!
(crew exclaims)
- (all agreeing) - Fuck off.
Alright, well, what would you like me to do? Jump?
No, don't forget your fiddle.
- (Ned screams) - (loud splash)
(crew exclaiming)
(solemn music playing)
(cheering)
I'll be in my quarters.
Izzy Hands: Give him a minute.
First kill's always a mind-fuck.
I'm gonna check on him.
(knocks on door)
Hey. You okay?
(sighs) Look, I was a wreck after my first kill as well.
I mean, well, it was my dad, so there's that--
(Izzy singing "La Vie En Rose" in French)
(Frenchie plays lute)
♪ Je vois la vie en rose ♪
♪ Il me dit des mots d'amour ♪
♪ Des mots de tous les jours ♪
♪ Et ca m'fait quelque chose ♪
♪ Il est entré dans mon coeur ♪
♪ Une part de bonheur ♪
♪ Dont je connais la cause ♪
♪ C'est lui pour moi, moi pour lui dans la vie ♪
♪ Il me l'a dit, l'a juré, pour la vie ♪
- (Izzy holds note) - (all cheering)
- (fireworks exploding) - (Roach laughs, cheers)
♪ Mon coeur qui bat ♪
♪
(fireworks exploding)
♪ C'est lui pour moi, moi pour lui dans la vie ♪
♪ Il me l'a dit, l'a juré, pour la vie ♪
♪ Et dès que je l'apercois ♪
♪ Alors, je sens en moi ♪
♪ Mon coeur qui bat ♪
(crew singing along)
All: ♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da ♪
♪ Da, da, daaa, da ♪
(cheering, applause)
All (chanting): One more song! One more song!
Izzy: I've got one more song!
(cheering)
(fireworks exploding)
- (goat bleats) - My apologies, guys, but I couldn't let 'em
harm this little fella.
So, we just went and hid off the side
for a couple of hours, here.
And now I've got really sore fingies
from hangin' there holding you! Yes, you!
Archie: Mate, you got sore fingies?
I've got sore footsies and got tortured!
- And we survived! - Oluwande: Yeah.
- Let's fuckin' party! - (cheering)
- I'll go get the fireworks! - Archie: Yeah!
Ah!