(dramatic electronic music)
(eerie electronic music)
(projector rattling)
- [Man] The truth,
and the truth that mankind has chosen to call history,
are not always the same.
I, Abraham Van Helsing,
descendant of courageous and holy scientists,
who dedicated their lives to studying
Earth's most fiendish creatures,
have at last encountered one
that I struggle to adequately describe.
She is quite simply, the embodiment of evil,
for unlike the vampires before her,
that employed mystical shape-changing abilities
to lure innocent victims to their horrible deaths.
Her terrible powers are shocking,
and far more worldly, than those of other vampires.
She has toppled kingdoms,
scandalized nations,
destroyed chastity,
and created a tidal wave of blood and sin,
that washes over any land
which she chooses to set her high-heeled foot.
She is damned.
She is an abomination,
and she is the undeniable truth.
She is,
Bad Girl Dracula.
(upbeat jazz music)
- Oh, hello.
My name Laurie Williams.
I'm here to see, I mean,
I have an appointment with you.
- Not with me, you're here to see--
(dramatic instrumental music)
- [Laurie] I'm very excited to meet her.
- [Woman] You talk to everyone's ass?
Or is mine just special?
- [Laurie] I beg your pardon.
So, I just wait in there?
For Bad Girl Dracula?
Hey!
Let me out of here, open the door!
Hey!
- Hey, can you try not doing that?
It's a premium door.
(dark electronic music)
- Hello?
Anyone there?
- What is your name?
- Lori, Lorie Williams.
- What is your name Lori Lori Williams?
- Oh I beg your pardon?
- I know who you are.
You did not come here to be shot by Bad Girl Dracula.
- What?
- It is unwise to take me for a fool, Miranda.
- Shit.
- I know what you want,
and I plan to give it to you.
But, in turn you must give me what I want.
You're very beautiful.
You know,
some models wait a year, maybe two,
before they come in this room.
- Look, I know the rules, okay?
You aren't allowed in my camp unless you're invited.
(laughing)
- Believe me, if that was what I wanted,
you would have placed your breasts and genitals
in my hand the moment your arrived.
I am Bad Girl Dracula.
You will get my story,
and you will honor our contract.
- And that's it?
- And that's it.
- Can you turn one of those lights on?
I just need to find my recorder.
- I begin in darkness, always.
- So, how did you come to be Bad Girl Dracula?
- Take off your shirt and I will tell you.
(funky jazz music)
- So, are you a vampire?
(laughing)
- I am just like you,
or I was.
(eerie electronic music)
Hello?
Miss Stevens?
Is anyone here?
(dark electronic music)
Hello?
I am here to sit for my portrait.
(creepy electronic music)
And I will place my breasts and genitals
in your hands.
(laughing)
- So that's who made you a vampire?
Who was she, your master?
- Take off your skirt and I will tell you.
(funky jazz music)
- Not my master, The Master.
The mother of all vampires.
- [Miranda] I take it, she bit you?
- Oh she did more than that.
- [Miranda] And now you need blood to live, right?
- Would you like to speak to her, as well?
- The Master?
Is she here?
Please answer this.
All I have left is my underwear and my shoes.
- You may bring your shoes.
(upbeat jazz music)
Master, this is Miranda Soledad.
She's very curious.
- Looks like she asked a lot of questions already.
You are a bad girl, Bad Girl Dracula.
(slapping)
(hissing)
- I don't believe you.
I see nothing that convinces me
either of you are real vampires,
especially you.
I watched you walk in broad daylight.
- Hey, vampire expert,
guess what?
I'm the fucking Master.
I eat garlic all day,
drink holy water all night.
One time I let Bad Girl Dracula
stick a wooden stick up my ass, just for giggles.
You know what happened?
I giggled.
- Oh, what a Christmas that was.
- I didn't come here to kill you.
- Uh-huh, yeah.
That's why we do the whole
take off your clothes thing.
We gotta make sure people don't walk in here
carrying some crazy-ass weapon to use on us.
The internet, am I right?
- Indeed, the fucking internet.
- So that doesn't prove anything.
- Proof, is that what you came here for?
After we drink your blood,
and we are gonna drink your blood,
we can either drink all of it,
and you'll just fuckin' die,
or, we can let you live, then you'll have your proof.
- Oh don't kill her.
I like her.
- May I make a suggestion?
(upbeat jazz music)
(Miranda snarling)
I can't believe you don't remember me.
The blood orgy of Las Vegas?
1978.
- That really does not narrow it down.
- How about the blood orgy of right now?
- Well I didn't come here to kill you.
- Of course you didn't.
I am Bad Girl Dracula.
Now cape!
(funky jazz music)
(dark wind blowing)
- Do I have human in my teeth?
- No, I think you got it.
I mean even if you do, it's kind of like snack for later.
- It's like you know because it's sausages,
and so it's in the
casing of the intestine.
And the intestine, it stick in your teeth.
But it tastes good.
- It's great, yeah.
- It's really yummy, even though it sticks in your teeth.
It's so nice to get to rest.
- I know.
- We don't get enough down time.
- Yeah I mean, some people would say,
what we do is basically
whatever we want, so,
it's all down time? - It's hard work though.
It's hard work, it's hard work to be naked,
and eat everybody.
- And all this sex,
people really underestimate how many calories you burn.
- Yes, you have the sex,
and then you have to eat someone else,
then you have the sex, then still you need the calories,
so you have to eat someone else.
- It's sometimes mid.
- Yes, you have to stop,
and then sometimes you're halfway through
and you're like, oh shit they're dead.
It's very inconvenient.
I mean and then great, you have a meal,
but it's not good.
- Every once in a while,
where you don't like stock up properly,
you didn't make your grocery list right,
so then you get like halfway through,
great, orgy, and realize, oh shit,
there's no humans left.
So then you have to call like, Uber Eats.
- Yes, exactly.
- But for some reason,
don't know why,
they just won't deliver, they won't deliver here anymore.
- They won't?
- No.
- Oh I'm sorry.
- Let's try Postmates.
Uber Eats people are.
- They're a little fishy.
- Yeah.
- They were a little fishy.
- That was probably because I kept ordering
fish filets from Burger King though.
It's probably more that they were carrying that,
and then we ate them.
- It had been sitting in the car too long.
- Yeah.
- Made 'em fishy.
- We'll try Postmates then.
I have a discount code.
- Oh, nice, that's good.
- Yeah, we get like first five deliveries free, I think.
- Sweet, I like that.
- Yeah.
- You're good and frugal, I'm glad you are frugal.
- I try. - We can't always eat
the delivery people,
and so sometimes we need to be a little more careful
with the finances, I'm not good at that.
- That's all right.
- I never been good at that.
We should eat an accountant.
Or turn, turn, turn an accountant.
So we have an accountant to keep track of the things.
- That's a good idea.
- Right?
I feel like we should be more practical,
and maybe turn some people who have useful skills.
Yeah, we could just start our own
administrative department basically.
- Exactly.
- What do you not want to do.
Well, I really don't actually feel like
finding the perfect humans for here,
so let's just get an HR guy.
- That's brilliant!
- Just go straight to a hiring director.
- That's brilliant, we need to hire,
no, we need to eat an HR guy, I like it.
- Yeah. - Yeah!
That's a good idea.
Or we could just get one to be an Igor.
Like a runaround person.
- Yeah, minion.
- Minion, minion.
We need more minions.
I had to slice the cheese myself.
- Oh God, okay. - It was hard work,
I used calories.
- Okay, today's our day off.
So like it's not happening today.
But tomorrow morning,
we're on 'em, this is happening.
- I like it, it's a good plan.
- Yeah.
- Go team.
Yes.
(sexual gasping)
- [Woman] Oh, don't stop Bad Girl Dracula.
- I will not.
At some point it will be too much for you,
and you will die.
But I will continue to live forever.
- [Woman] Oh, right there, Bad Girl Dracula.
- [Woman] You're the best.
- I literally can't see what I am doing but
you are correct.
- [Woman] I love you, Bad Girl Dracula.
- Oh, you flatter me.
Whichever one of you that is.
I neither know nor care.
(laughing)
(dramatic orchestral music)
Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
who is the baddest of them all?
Sexferatu.
Who is the baddest vampire of them all?
Sexferatu.
In 2018,
Sexferatu will possess
the beacon amulet,
which gives her the power
to have no vampire resist her.
Heh, I will resist.
You clearly have not seen Sexferatu.
I doubt it will make a difference,
but nevertheless, magic mirror,
show me Sexferatu.
(creepy music)
(gasping)
(tense electronic music)
I will have the amulet,
and I will have Sexferatu.
- Hey hey, hope you're saving some sex for me, too.
- Master, we must go to 2018 at once,
to get the beacon amulet.
Can you use your powers
to travel through time to get us there?
- Take your robe off and I'll tell you.
(funky band music)
(grunting)
(funky jazz music)
(doorbell ringing)
- I did not order a midnight snack.
(funky jazz music)
But I do get hungry after my sexercises.
- Hey there, we just moved in down the street
and thought we'd come over and say hello.
(crickets chirping)
- You look familiar to me.
Have we met before?
- Well, seeing as how I'm the Master Vampire,
I'd say yeah, odds are pretty fucking good
that I turned you into one at some point.
- And you must be Bad Girl Dracula.
- Then you must also know of my legend.
- That remains to be seen.
- Anyway, so we just fucked,
and then time-traveled right after,
so we could use a drink.
(sniffing)
- Delicious. A good year. Please, come in.
(eerie electronic music)
- And she was like,
"I can't believe you don't remember me,"
and having this weird fit in front of us,
trying to be all hot-shit lesbian vampire.
(laughing)
- And where did she say she was from?
- Fuck if I know.
One of the blood orgies,
in Las Vegas, maybe?
I don't remember what year she said it was.
- And the year is of little to no importance.
(laughing)
And you do not remember me, Bad Girl Dracula?
- No, I had not heard of you until this morning
when my magic mirror mentioned you.
Speaking of which, I notice you don't have
a magic mirror in your lair, Sexferatu.
- Well, you know where mine is.
Right above the old coffin, motherfucker.
- I tend to get what I want.
I assure you,
I will soon possess a magic mirror.
I will put it in my bathroom.
I just had it remodeled.
My last date got a little passionate.
- Is that so?
- It's right down that hallway.
I'll escort you if you like.
- You're bein' weird, man.
You're up to something.
- Of course I'm up to something.
The amulet is here, I can feel it.
- Exactly, so why don't you just ask for it?
- I do not ask.
Sexferatu will willingly place the beacon amulet
in my hand before the night is through.
- Don't let me cause any clitterference.
But if you're gonna walk away,
do it slow.
(funky jazz music)
- So, you have the ability to travel through time,
and freeze it, as well?
- Master.
- Well,
I find that very, very arousing.
I have powers, that may arouse you, as well.
- What could you possibly do that'll blow my mind?
Cool.
Very cool.
(popping)
(gasping)
(funky jazz music)
- Hello, delicious human of the future.
(blasting)
(tense electronic music)
(sighing)
That will be enough of that.
Leftovers, unbelievable.
Fucking leftovers.
(rhythmic jazz music)
- You've got to try this, Bad Girl Dracula.
It's gotta be better than a bacon omelet.
- Bacon omelet?
- Don't look at me like I'm fucked up, man.
That's why we're here.
Bad Girl Dracula wants the bacon omelet.
- Of course, she seeks the beacon amulet.
Everyone does.
It holds the most powerful vampire magic in the world.
It is what summoned you here, after all.
- I am summoned by no one.
(dark electronic music)
You will give me the amulet, Sexferatu.
The stories you have heard,
they are all true.
No one can resist Bad Girl Dracula.
Not you, not the Master,
and not your neighbor who just died in a fiery explosion,
just moments after gazing upon
my partially exposed breasts.
- And yet, here you are,
and here it is.
(Master laughing)
(screaming)
- Fuck these vampire accents.
Centuries of listening to you guys,
and sometimes I still don't know what you're saying.
The am-oo-let!
I must possess the am-oo-let!
It's amulet,
not am-uoo-let.
And this,
this doesn't do anything.
There is a story about how it could like
make all the virgins in your village
come to your lair in the middle of the night all (groans).
But first of all, how fucked up is that?
And secondly, no one cares about virginity.
That's the hottest load of trash in history.
(soft jazz music)
(exhaling)
(sighing)
An amulet, the only one who can decide
who's the baddest of them all, is me,
'cause I'm the motherfuckin' Master.
- I am ready.
- I am ready also.
- Now we're gonna have a good old-fashioned vampire sex-off.
And I think you both know the rules.
(giggling)
(funky jazz music)
Now cape.
(dramatic jazz music)
(eerie music)
- Memories.
- A little tamer than I remembered.
Really.
- Well a lot of things, we did not put it on the movie,
behind the scenes.
- Censored?
- Yes.
- Yeah, that makes
way too much sense. - That explains
a lot of the things that you remember them happening,
but you don't see them.
- Yeah, 'cause there's like the thing with the spatulas.
- Yes, I forgot about that.
I don't know how she did that with the spatula.
- I don't know.
- It was impressive though.
- Yeah, yeah.
Like you did something,
I don't know how you do these things.
But like, there was a lawn chair,
and a Rubbermaid container.
- She had a well-equipped backyard.
- Yeah.
- I liked that about her.
- I know she liked grilling.
Grilling, doing grilled human.
- Yes.
- You probably loved the
filet. - She liked
the sausages, it's true.
- Yeah, she knew all about them.
- She would, she would.
She was an interesting lady.
Oh, sweet little one.
- Yeah.
It's getting so big.
- I am excited about her.
I am so glad that you decided
to impregnate yourself, Master.
- Well, you know, we've done--
- We've done everything else.
- Yeah, and I've always heard like, you know,
especially sex, when pregnant like it's just different.
- Okay, okay.
- And yeah, it is.
- It has been?
- Yeah.
- Oh, nice.
- Well I mean like,
there's this involved so--
- Okay, thanks.
- Just on a physical aspect.
- Yes.
It's probably also good, like,
more sexy, because people don't think a vampire,
a vampire can be pregnant.
- No, no no no, they definitely get confused and then,
nowadays they're always like, oh yeah, Twilight.
- Oh yes.
- Oh, what do you mean you've been pregnant for 18 months?
- Well, it's not like the movies.
- Yeah I know, in Twilight it was like, overnight somehow.
- I'm pregnant for five seconds.
Bite my stomach, make a baby.
- It takes a long time to make this much perfection.
- That's right.
That's right, perfect baby.
Perfect baby.
- Oh, we need to figure out
who we're inviting for
the baby shower.
- Oh, we shower the baby.
- Yeah.
But not in blood.
I mean there will be blood, obviously.
- There will be blood.
Yes.
I don't know.
- Well there's, who is there?
- Let's see.
We should invite everybody who came in the 70's
with the orgies we did the regular.
- Probably Igor.
- We should invite Igor.
- At the very least, we need someone to cut all the cheeses,
and the platters. - These are the things
we invite the Igors.
And let's see.
Do we have to invite Sexferatu?
- Who?
- You remember we did Sexferatu with the thing.
We just watched the movie.
You're seeing too many peoples.
You see too many of us.
- Yeah I'm drawing a blank.
- We all blend together.
- I'm drawing a blank. - No, it's fine.
- It's gone.
- It's fine, it's fine.
Okay.
- I mean I guess if you want to.
Obviously, it will not phase me.
- Okay then.
- So yeah.
- We should invite the bat lady.
- Oh yeah.
- The monster twins.
The poison lady from down the street.
She can't go near the baby, though.
She dangerous with the gases.
- Yeah.
- The swamp monster.
- Swamp monster.
- I like the swamp monster, she's cute.
- Do you invite your doctor to these things?
- We should invite the doctor.
- [Master] Doctor Humpinstein.
- [Bad Girl] Yes, we should invite the doctor.
Oh and we have to,
we have to invite my compatriots,
like the Bad Girl Frankenstein,
and the Bad Girl Wolfman, Wolf Woman.
And the Bad Girl Swamp Thing,
and yes we have to invite all of them.
- Yeah, we can't do the Master version of that.
- I know, no it's okay,
we don't invite other Masters.
No other Masters, only you at the baby shower.
- Yeah, I mean you know, there's just--
- Have you thought about the name?
- Name?
I mean,
I'm pretty open.
I don't want her to be named anything like
Karen, or Samantha.
- Brenda.
- Yeah, sure.
Debbie, no.
(muffled)
- Something with personality.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
And panache.
- Panache.
Probably not panache, though.
- No, it's not a name,
like the thing that it has.
- Well, you know, I just,
I didn't want to assume.
- She'll be like a little you.
- Mm-hm.
- She'll be all dynamic.
What we give her name?
Needs to be strong.
- Definitely.
I don't want to do like a whole junior thing either,
no Master Junior, we can't have that kind of confusion.
- That's fair, that's fair.
- She'll go out into the world,
cause terror and mayhem,
and come up with her own unique title.
- Yes, she get her title on her own.
You earn a title.
Let's see.
- Could go for something classic, like,
you know, vintage?
- Yes.
- Like Pandora?
- Okay, yes we could do that, Pandora.
- She gets a gad rap.
- She does.
- So I'd love to know that,
my child - It's a beautiful name.
- Could reclaim.
- What about something classic like, Cher?
I like Cher.
- Maybe. - Okay, maybe.
- Maybe.
- Like,
I'm trying to think, what's the other good name?
- This is hard, they don't make like,
vampire baby name books either.
Humans get all that crap.
- Vampiretta.
Yeah.
- Exsanguina.
- Ooo, that's pretty.
- Like, okay.
What's a name that means blood?
I can't think of one.
- Well, Exsanguina is in that category.
- Yes, but it.
I'm trying to think.
(eerie electronic music)
(sexy jazz music)
- Excuse me, your bath bomb is ready.
- How dare you interrupt me?
Can't you see that I am bathing?
- [Woman] Can't you see that I am the bomb?
(laughing)
- I get it.
I do not think it is funny,
but I will have sex with you anyway,
and then I will drink your blood.
- You truly are the baddest, Bad Girl Dracula.
- Oh stop it.
- The baddest of the bad.
- No really, stop.
- Bad Girl Dracula, you are the most-- (screaming)
(sexy jazz music)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(upbeat jazz music)
- What's wrong Bad Girl Dracula?
Am I forgetting the neck thing.
The back thing.
The neck and the back thing.
- You are searingly erotic.
Operating this camera requires
all of my vampire powers,
in order to resist the urge to stop
and engage in explicit sexual adventures with you.
- Nonsense, continue.
- You are a fucking goddess, Marsha Hunt.
(sighing)
I have this received a disturbing letter
from my nemesis,
Abraham Van Helsing.
- A letter?
How barbaric.
Why didn't he just call?
- Abraham Van Helsing will die in a fiery pit of death
before he ever has my phone number.
- Well, I did give him my number back in the 1960's.
But it was in fact, not my number.
- I do not think this is a joke, Marsha Hunt.
Abraham Van Helsing says he has knowledge of a vampire,
even more powerful than myself,
one who will come to our lair in two days' time,
and who will lay waste to me,
take my throne, and and put her finger in all the pies.
My pies.
The pies that have sustained me, for centuries.
- Well, maybe he was just trying to deceive you.
He would love to weaken and destroy us.
- You are wise my love.
But I have reason to believe Van Helsing.
You see, he delivered the letter in person.
(gasping)
And, he has been sitting outside the lair,
in his car, since Wednesday.
(eerie electronic music)
(squeaking)
- Rats.
I do not fear rats.
Squeak your putrid little hearts out.
Your small, disease-ridden teeth
shall never pierce my flesh.
Villainy, most foul!
You can't hear me?
Do you need me to roll down the window?
Villainy, most foul!
(dramatic music)
(sinister electronic music)
- You were a fool to come here, Abraham Van Helsing,
for you know it will mean your destruction.
- Did you not read my letter?
Do you, or you, suspect me of not speaking the truth?
It is not I who will be destroyed tonight, it is you.
Though I will relish the opportunity
to witness your demise,
and regret that it won't be by my hand.
For she, she is coming.
She is coming.
- Later perhaps.
- And once she has vanquished you,
I shall vanquish her.
- You will vanquish no one, for you are our prisoner,
and you are afraid of rats.
(laughing)
- I have defeated far deadlier beasts.
On many occasions, beasts with small, terrifying eyes,
and tiny disease-ridden teeth and tails.
Ellis.
(laughing)
Enjoy, for there will be no laughing when she arrives.
- And does she have a name?
- Indeed she does, but I dare not speak it,
because it is more hideous than the two of you, combined.
- Abraham Van Helsing,
you are the bravest, most intelligent,
most feared vampire hunter in the world.
I only know of one more powerful than you, and me.
And Marsha.
- The Master, Brinke Stevens, will reveal her name.
- If the Master is here, I insist on speaking with her,
because I want to see the look on her face
when she realizes that her terrible downfall,
and the annihilation of her entire cabal of evil is nigh.
(laughing)
- I will confer with the Master.
Marsha, my beloved,
watch over this scoundrel.
(dramatic music)
- Miss Dracula, I need to speak to
the lady of the house please,
the rats scare me, I don't like it.
- Don't be silly.
I'm the lady of the house.
(thunder rumbling) (laughing)
- Right.
- Oh, I'm gonna leave this right here for you baby.
I'm gonna go get my camera
so I can get some pictures of you for my evil scrapbook.
- Right, but this, ma'am.
Miss Hunt, the rat?
(eerie electronic music)
(upbeat orchestral music)
(funky flute music)
- This better be good, man.
- Forgive me, Master.
We shall speak when you are done.
- Oh, see you in a few days, motherfucker.
- No, no, get away.
Filthy.
- In exchange for freeing you,
you will help me destroy Bad Girl Dracula.
(dramatic horn music)
(big band music)
- Marsha would never abandon her post.
My beloved Marsha.
On this, the night of your demise,
I want to arrange you,
the halls of this lair
will be bathed in the blood of those
who make a grave mistake
of murdering my most beautiful lover.
- Who are you?
Where's Van Helsing?
Where are our beautiful rats?
I was only gone for a moment.
How dare he escape from our clutches?
I was gonna take a picture of him
with the rats for our evil scrapbook.
- I came because I heard
of the photographic genius of Bad Girl Dracula,
and her lover, Marsha Hunt.
But you could photograph me instead.
- Well, I do hate to waste a good opportunity.
(funky jazz music)
(muffled speaking)
Spread your legs out.
(eerie music)
- [Abraham Voiceover] April 19th, 2013,
Bad Girl Dracula's house.
All vampires are presently distracted and unaware
that they will all meet their demise on this night.
I sense the presence of the Master.
Tonight, I shall end this curse on humanity,
once and for all.
(shutter snapping)
(funky music)
- [Marsha] That's what I'm talking about,
give me some more leg.
(muffled instructions)
(record scratching)
(soft instrumental music)
- Marsha, my beloved.
When I saw Van Helsing escaping,
and you were nowhere to be seen,
I was insane.
- I did not mean to worry you.
I know I was supposed to be on guard.
- He will not get far,
and besides our nemesis, he deserves a more
dignified end than in the dungeon with our sweet pets.
- In all this commotion, I have forgotten my manners.
I am Pussy Lugosi, the ultimate vampire.
It's a pleasure to meet you, Bad Girl Dracula.
You have a beautiful home.
- Yes, and who invited you in it?
- No one.
She requires no invitation.
And tonight, you will see that she also casts a reflection,
that holy water, garlic, and silver, do not harm her,
nor a crucifix upon her flesh.
And once, she has laid waste to the other
evil hell-spawn in this mansion,
she will confidently walk out these doors,
into the sunrise,
for she has evolved and surpassed you in every single way,
Bad Girl Dracula.
- I just wanted to see her titties.
- And you shall.
We shall all see her titties.
- I already have.
- We shall see if what I have heard is true.
You are a noble man Abraham Van Helsing,
and I will take you at your word,
but the final judgment must be made by The Master.
And then if it turns out that this creature
is the future of our people,
she will be forced to submit, or perish.
- Who will perish?
Not me.
- She doesn't mean you, she means the Master.
Brinke Stevens, I mean if you are.
- I will confer with the Master.
My darling, my lover,
will you prepare the vampire trials?
(romantic orchestral music)
(eerie electronic music)
- You gonna come hit this, or what?
I'm not saying a need a break.
I'm just saying I'd like to fuck this person, and you,
at the same time.
- Under any other circumstances, Master,
I would gladly join you.
I am otherwise entangled in the living room.
- Come see me afterwards.
I'll be doing this exact same thing with this person,
or someone else, or someone from another time.
I don't know.
- Everything is prepared, Bad Girl Dracula.
Pussy Lugosi will submit to our test.
- Exquisite, my darling.
Not a thing out of place, as always.
And now, Pussy Lugosi,
will you take the petal from the rose,
and place it in your mouth.
(creepy organ music)
And now Marsha?
- My love?
You can't be serious.
- How else can we be sure?
- Dost thou doubt the validity of my weapons.
Everything on this table has been blessed by the Almighty.
- I do not believe in your God, Mister Van Helsing.
I believe in the power of true love.
Marsha my darling, surely only a little bit,
just to be sure.
The power of our bond will protect you.
- Don't do it, Marsha.
Her love means nothing.
- Oh silence, temptress.
Your demise will soon be at hand.
This rose upon my lips will succumb
to our dark devotion.
(coughing)
- Disgusting vampiric sex fiends.
I shall enjoy watching all of you face oblivion.
- I'll show you what I will enjoy.
(funky jazz music)
(ominous music)
- Amanda Garcia.
My poor Amanda.
I feared the worst when you went missing from the village.
I swore then,
I shall avenge you,
and bring your body back to your parents.
Hast thou become a creature of the night?
A spawn of Satan?
- Yes, that's why I came here.
The village was boring.
- So, thou hast chosen to become a bloodsucking fiend?
- You've seen the people that live here, right?
- I guess if that is your will,
fair Amanda,
my vengeance is now reserved for the Master.
- Oh, she's great, you're gonna love her.
(ragtime piano)
- Oh yeah, who's the Master?
- [Woman] You are.
- What's my fucking name?
- [Woman] The Master, Brinke Stevens.
(sexual gasping)
- The test must be complete by now.
And if the ultimate vampire is truly in our lair,
then surely it is your duty
to go forth and slay her,
in order to protect the world from such a power.
You must hurry though.
- I have come all this way,
destroyed many of your kind.
Only at this moment, when I could destroy The Master,
to have my hatred of you vanish.
I do not understand.
However, I must go and defeat her,
before she kills Marsha.
- What's that, Abraham Van Helsing?
To bad he's a vampire killer, he's gorgeous.
- That was indeed Abraham Van Helsing.
He had his sword ready but did not strike.
He has had a change of heart.
- I know, I'm the Master.
- Pussy Lugosi is here as well,
a powerful vampire, unlike any I have ever seen.
She came in uninvited.
She cast a reflection in the mirror.
She doused herself in holy water.
- Right, that's 'cause she's not a vampire, homie.
And that dumbshit name you said,
yeah, that's not her name, it's Sarah.
It's fucking Sarah, I bet you.
You know Sarah, she's the one,
she's got that haircut, it's like at an angle,
and it's shorter in the back, longer in the front.
She goes to Kohl's and has 17 coupons
and takes like at least eight hours to get out of there
for no reason.
God help if the total is 30 cents over.
You've met her, we've all met her.
I mean she's hot but.
Anyways, I'm on a timeline here.
(hissing)
- Spit that out, Sarah.
- Who's Sarah?
- Van Helsing.
- What devilry is this?
- Sarah is immune to vampire weaknesses,
because Sarah is Sarah,
a human.
- But the titties though.
- Yes, confusion is understandable.
- With one swift blow from my sword,
I can have all of your heads on the floor of this castle.
And I would be more of a monster,
than any of you have shown yourselves to be.
When I arrived here,
I thought your souls to be lost.
But I was wrong,
it was my own.
- Van Helsing, it was a pleasure to meet you as well.
Really, all of you, and I apologize because
I just really wanted to say that
I came inside Bad Girl Dracula's castle.
- Oh, you may yet.
- Looks like our guest is stayin'.
(sentimental orchestral music)
- The Van Helsing of yesterday
would open this door
and let the sun's fiery rays of death into this room.
But alas, this life, I do not yet understand it.
We go too freely.
In all truth,
I do not blame Sarah for wanting to stay here.
- You're welcome to come back old friend.
The Master would be particularly delighted.
And Sarah will probably still be here,
because we are going to have sex with her.
And then we will probably turn her into a vampire.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- Alas,
there are monsters out there, real ones.
Humans who do horrible things to other humans.
My fight is with them now.
(funky jazz music)
- Have a seat, Sarah.
You will learn much tonight.
(funky jazz music)
I begin in darkness, all day through.
(laughing)
(dramatic jazz music)
- Hi Sarah.
I am going forth to vanquish evil,
but it has been a very long night,
and Bad Girl Dracula had invited me to stay,
so I figured I'd stay for some coffee,
and possibly--
(funky jazz music)
(muffled speaking)
- [Master] I'm the fucking Master.
Vampire sex-off.
- [Bad Girl] At some point, it will be too much for you,
and you will die.
- [Master] I'm the fucking Master.
Vampire sex-off.
- [Bad Girl] I am Bad Girl Dracula.
Oh that is a good memory.
- A vague one, but yeah I mean--
- You have been alive too long.
But when Van Helsing finally let his guard down,
he come spend time with us,
he see us differently.
- Who was?
- He was very nice.
- That wasn't.
- No it's not, same sentimental about it.
It'll make me a little bit horny.
- Of course it does.
I mean, you know.
- How are you feeling?
- You can always check.
- I can do that.
Okay, my love.
- We should move the cheese tray.
- I should move the cheese tray,
you're right, okay, hold on, I move the cheese tray.
- God this is why they call you, Bad Girl Dracula.
Oh!
- [Bad Girl] That was fast, my love.
Oh my goodness.
- Oh no,
I think my water just broke.
(gasping)
Call Doctor Humpinstein.
- Somebody call Doctor Humpenstein.
- Igor!
Igor!
God damn it, where? Igor!
(tense music)