1
00:00:49,180 --> 00:00:51,474
<i>When I was 22, I got involved
with the Russian mafia.</i>

2
00:00:51,474 --> 00:00:52,933
<i>Here's how it happened.</i>

3
00:00:56,061 --> 00:00:59,064
<i>I went to school at Florida State.
I was not a very good student.</i>

4
00:00:59,899 --> 00:01:01,025
<i>This is how bad I was.</i>

5
00:01:01,025 --> 00:01:04,069
<i>I signed up for a Russian class one time,
thinking it was Spanish.</i>

6
00:01:04,069 --> 00:01:06,113
<i>And it took me three classes
before I realized,</i>

7
00:01:06,113 --> 00:01:08,491
<i>-"I don't think this is Spanish."</i>

8
00:01:08,491 --> 00:01:13,537
<i>So I took Russian 1, 2, 3, and 4,
never learned a fucking word.</i>

9
00:01:13,537 --> 00:01:14,622
MOSCOW

10
00:01:14,622 --> 00:01:16,791
<i>The end of Russian 4,
same teacher pulls me aside.</i>

11
00:01:16,791 --> 00:01:18,667
<i>She's like,
"Yo, we're taking a trip to Russia.</i>

12
00:01:18,667 --> 00:01:20,336
<i>If you go, you'll get a minor."</i>

13
00:01:20,336 --> 00:01:22,671
<i>I was like,</i>
"Strasvutsia, <i>bitches, I'm back!"</i>

14
00:01:23,756 --> 00:01:25,758
<i>We went to Russia.
The Russian mob ran everything.</i>

15
00:01:25,758 --> 00:01:27,343
{\an8}<i>And they told us that our first night.</i>

16
00:01:27,343 --> 00:01:29,762
{\an8}<i>I'm in the back of the class like,
"This trip just got fucking awesome."</i>

17
00:01:29,762 --> 00:01:30,846
VOLGOVITCH CASINO

18
00:01:30,846 --> 00:01:33,933
<i>Then, like, in exchange for our money,
they gave us two young gangsters.</i>

19
00:01:33,933 --> 00:01:35,976
<i>The word for that
in Russian is</i> "banditti."

20
00:01:35,976 --> 00:01:38,395
<i>So I ended up befriending the</i> banditti.

21
00:01:40,648 --> 00:01:44,401
<i>Then, one night, the whole class is taking
an overnight train trip to Moscow.</i>

22
00:01:44,401 --> 00:01:47,279
<i>We roll to the bar car
like a big dick in a locker room.</i>

23
00:01:47,279 --> 00:01:50,533
<i>Just, not that I've ever been that guy,
but I've seen it.</i>

24
00:01:50,533 --> 00:01:53,118
<i>So the</i> banditti <i>says to me,</i>

25
00:01:53,118 --> 00:01:56,163
<i>"Don't worry. When it gets dark,
we have good time."</i>

26
00:01:56,163 --> 00:01:58,249
<i>I'm like,
"What are we doing when it gets dark?"</i>

27
00:01:59,083 --> 00:02:01,168
<i>Reaches into his pocket,
pulls a ring of keys out.</i>

28
00:02:01,168 --> 00:02:03,504
<i>He goes,
"We're robbing the whole fucking train."</i>

29
00:02:03,504 --> 00:02:04,588
<i>Now...</i>

30
00:02:07,550 --> 00:02:09,885
<i>I'm a good per-- I'm an okay person.</i>

31
00:02:11,470 --> 00:02:13,681
<i>My point is, we fucking robbed them.</i>

32
00:02:15,558 --> 00:02:18,602
<i>We robbed the whole train,
and then we drank hard as shit.</i>

33
00:02:19,228 --> 00:02:22,815
<i>Pull in to Moscow at 6 a.m.,
hammered, piss drunk. Train stops.</i>

34
00:02:22,815 --> 00:02:23,732
It is him.

35
00:02:23,732 --> 00:02:25,526
<i>My whole class, they're in their pajamas.</i>

36
00:02:25,526 --> 00:02:27,528
<i>They're upset.
They've been robbed. I get it.</i>

37
00:02:27,528 --> 00:02:32,157
I want what you stole, Machine!

38
00:02:32,157 --> 00:02:33,951
-<i>I'm the Machine!</i>

39
00:02:33,951 --> 00:02:37,746
<i>They look at me and look at each other and
they're like, "Fuck it! He's the Machine!"</i>

40
00:02:50,801 --> 00:02:54,722
<i>♪ I thought I saw a man brought to life ♪</i>

41
00:02:56,473 --> 00:03:01,478
{\an8}<i>♪ He was warm
He came around like he was dignified ♪</i>

42
00:03:02,730 --> 00:03:05,816
{\an8}<i>♪ He showed me what it was to cry ♪</i>

43
00:03:07,443 --> 00:03:11,864
{\an8}<i>♪ Well, you couldn't be
That one I adored ♪</i>

44
00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:18,370
{\an8}<i>♪ You don't seem to know
Seem to care what your heart is for ♪</i>

45
00:03:19,705 --> 00:03:22,374
<i>♪ But I don't know you anymore ♪</i>

46
00:03:22,374 --> 00:03:28,756
{\an8}<i>♪ There's nothing where you used to lie
Our conversation has run dry ♪</i>

47
00:03:29,506 --> 00:03:35,137
{\an8}<i>♪ That's what's going on
Nothing's fine, I'm torn ♪</i>

48
00:03:35,137 --> 00:03:40,809
<i>♪ I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel ♪</i>

49
00:03:40,809 --> 00:03:46,732
{\an8}<i>♪ I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor ♪</i>

50
00:03:46,732 --> 00:03:52,112
{\an8}<i>♪ Illusion never changed
Into something real ♪</i>

51
00:03:52,112 --> 00:03:57,743
{\an8}<i>♪ I'm wide awake and I can see
The perfect sky is torn ♪</i>

52
00:03:57,743 --> 00:04:03,290
{\an8}<i>♪ You're a little late, I'm already torn ♪</i>

53
00:04:13,425 --> 00:04:15,636
<i>♪ I'm already torn ♪</i>

54
00:04:16,512 --> 00:04:19,223
<i>♪ I'm already torn ♪</i>

55
00:04:19,223 --> 00:04:21,850
{\an8}<i>♪ I'm already torn ♪</i>

56
00:04:27,481 --> 00:04:28,774
Okay.

57
00:04:28,774 --> 00:04:32,653
{\an8}So, Bert, how we doing today?

58
00:04:32,653 --> 00:04:34,321
{\an8}I feel fantastic.

59
00:04:35,155 --> 00:04:36,907
I'm eating clean. I'm working out.

60
00:04:36,907 --> 00:04:38,283
Blood pressure's down.

61
00:04:38,784 --> 00:04:40,494
No more partying.

62
00:04:40,494 --> 00:04:43,747
I haven't called anyone in this room
the C-word in almost three months, huh?

63
00:04:44,415 --> 00:04:46,000
He's never called Tat a C-word.

64
00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:48,210
- Oh, she's never acted like a C-word.
- Thanks, Dad.

65
00:04:48,210 --> 00:04:50,254
- So Mom and I act like C-words?

66
00:04:50,254 --> 00:04:51,463
You'd be shocked.

67
00:04:51,463 --> 00:04:53,298
- Wait. Just leave it there.
- Mom! Mom?

68
00:04:53,298 --> 00:04:54,216
- Okay. Okay.
-  Mom.

69
00:04:54,216 --> 00:04:55,259
- Mom.
- I'm still waiting.

70
00:04:55,259 --> 00:04:57,136
- All right!
- That's not fair.

71
00:04:57,636 --> 00:04:59,263
Bert, why are we here?

72
00:04:59,972 --> 00:05:02,599
Well, I wanted you guys to see
the progress that I've made.

73
00:05:02,599 --> 00:05:03,892
To see how far I've come.

74
00:05:03,892 --> 00:05:07,062
Personal growth isn't something
that you need to point out.

75
00:05:07,062 --> 00:05:10,107
Progress is something that your family
should be noticing on their own.

76
00:05:10,107 --> 00:05:12,776
Bro, that's why they're here,
to notice it.

77
00:05:12,776 --> 00:05:15,112
Hey, if you're not on my team,
shut the fuck up, okay?

78
00:05:15,112 --> 00:05:17,281
Okay, no.
Has Bert ever talked about his father?

79
00:05:17,281 --> 00:05:18,574
- No.
-  This has absolutely

80
00:05:18,574 --> 00:05:20,451
- nothing to do with my father.
- Huh.

81
00:05:21,035 --> 00:05:23,078
I had an incident with my daughter.

82
00:05:23,078 --> 00:05:24,246
An incident.

83
00:05:24,246 --> 00:05:27,416
That was caused by my lifestyle
and my behavior.

84
00:05:28,125 --> 00:05:30,252
And I am taking actions to course-correct.

85
00:05:30,252 --> 00:05:31,587
And you should know

86
00:05:31,587 --> 00:05:34,631
that he sounds just like his father
when he talks like that.

87
00:05:34,631 --> 00:05:35,591
-  Hold on.
- Yes.

88
00:05:35,591 --> 00:05:37,384
- My father doesn't understand me.
- Same.

89
00:05:37,384 --> 00:05:38,886
Not same. Not same.

90
00:05:38,886 --> 00:05:40,637
My father's always correcting me.

91
00:05:40,637 --> 00:05:42,264
- Same, same.
- Not same, same!

92
00:05:42,264 --> 00:05:44,725
Your relationship with me
is totally different

93
00:05:44,725 --> 00:05:46,143
than my relationship with Papa.

94
00:05:46,143 --> 00:05:48,687
Okay, girls, please, can you wait outside?

95
00:05:48,687 --> 00:05:50,814
Perfect. Come on, Tat.

96
00:05:51,815 --> 00:05:52,816
Deuces.

97
00:05:53,734 --> 00:05:54,902
- Ho, ho.

98
00:05:55,819 --> 00:05:57,738
- So you can see what's going on here?
-  Yeah.

99
00:05:57,738 --> 00:05:59,698
- You just saw that, right?
- Yes.

100
00:06:01,283 --> 00:06:02,701
You-- Oh...

101
00:06:03,368 --> 00:06:05,287
Wait. You're talking about me?

102
00:06:05,287 --> 00:06:06,455
Oh, yes.

103
00:06:06,455 --> 00:06:07,748
Oh, fuck off.

104
00:06:07,748 --> 00:06:09,875
Fuck off? Fuck you! Fuck off!

105
00:06:09,875 --> 00:06:11,543
Oh, I didn't say it like, "Fuck off!"

106
00:06:11,543 --> 00:06:14,088
- I said, "Fuck off."
- You do not tell me "fuck off."

107
00:06:14,088 --> 00:06:15,714
It's my therapy.
I can say whatever I want, right?

108
00:06:15,714 --> 00:06:17,966
- Actually, you can't.
- No, like, you signed an oath!

109
00:06:17,966 --> 00:06:22,930
Hey! I am going to allow the two of you
to talk about his issues with his father.

110
00:06:23,555 --> 00:06:24,473
Deuces, Bert.

111
00:06:30,062 --> 00:06:31,897
You know the C-word's "cunt," right?

112
00:06:31,897 --> 00:06:32,940
Okay. Here we go.

113
00:06:32,940 --> 00:06:34,316
Okay. One last push.

114
00:06:34,316 --> 00:06:36,610
- You can get it all in. Get it all in.

115
00:06:36,610 --> 00:06:38,487
We got it. It's gonna-- Getting it in!

116
00:06:38,487 --> 00:06:40,030
15 minutes! 15...

117
00:06:40,030 --> 00:06:41,824
Hey, babe! Look who's up!

118
00:06:43,784 --> 00:06:45,410
Babe, 96 workouts in a row,

119
00:06:45,410 --> 00:06:47,830
and I still feel like
I'm sweating out toxins.

120
00:06:47,830 --> 00:06:50,165
- Still smells like your skin is pissing.
- Two more.

121
00:06:50,165 --> 00:06:53,252
One more. Nice. Ho, ho!

122
00:06:54,169 --> 00:06:55,504
- Hey.

123
00:06:56,588 --> 00:06:59,049
Do you think people are gonna
think I'm on HGH? Feel that.

124
00:06:59,049 --> 00:07:00,551
- Uh...
- Feel my tit.

125
00:07:00,551 --> 00:07:02,803
No, like full-handed.
Full-handed. Grab it.

126
00:07:02,803 --> 00:07:04,972
There you go. Nice.

127
00:07:04,972 --> 00:07:06,390
I'm making smoothies.

128
00:07:06,390 --> 00:07:08,600
Who wants smoothies?

129
00:07:09,852 --> 00:07:11,562
Mom, can you please tell him

130
00:07:11,562 --> 00:07:14,356
not to do anything embarrassing
at my party today?

131
00:07:14,356 --> 00:07:18,026
Whoa! So that's how
we're gonna start our morning?

132
00:07:18,026 --> 00:07:20,320
I haven't done anything
publicly embarrassing

133
00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:22,072
in almost three months.

134
00:07:24,116 --> 00:07:25,117
Okay.

135
00:07:25,784 --> 00:07:27,202
But don't go overboard this time.

136
00:07:27,202 --> 00:07:29,163
I just want it to be with my friends.

137
00:07:29,163 --> 00:07:30,122
What friends?

138
00:07:30,122 --> 00:07:31,623
Don-- Eas-- Le--

139
00:07:31,623 --> 00:07:33,292
- So not cool.
- Don't.

140
00:07:33,917 --> 00:07:35,961
Are those nut sacks?

141
00:07:35,961 --> 00:07:37,296
No.

142
00:07:37,296 --> 00:07:39,464
It's a pimple for <i>Dr. Pimple Popper.</i>

143
00:07:39,464 --> 00:07:42,009
Oh, you don't think that's a little gross?

144
00:07:42,009 --> 00:07:43,760
Uh, it's totally gross.

145
00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:45,429
That's why Sasha and I love it.

146
00:07:45,429 --> 00:07:46,889
If you think about it,

147
00:07:46,889 --> 00:07:50,142
it's kind of like a metaphor
for her exploding into womanhood.

148
00:07:53,604 --> 00:07:55,314
What is wrong with this shirt?

149
00:07:58,525 --> 00:08:00,152
Supposed to be like this?

150
00:08:04,489 --> 00:08:05,490
Hey, babe.

151
00:08:06,575 --> 00:08:08,785
If I stand like this,
does it look tucked in?

152
00:08:09,828 --> 00:08:11,288
Don't wear that shirt.

153
00:08:12,497 --> 00:08:13,332
All right.

154
00:08:14,291 --> 00:08:15,918
What are these, my dad's shirts?

155
00:08:18,337 --> 00:08:20,339
Can you please help me pick out a shirt?

156
00:08:22,299 --> 00:08:23,133
Okay.

157
00:08:23,133 --> 00:08:26,595
I think that this therapy
is making everything worse.

158
00:08:26,595 --> 00:08:28,430
I think you need to get back on-stage.

159
00:08:28,430 --> 00:08:30,974
That's definitely not happening.

160
00:08:30,974 --> 00:08:32,976
- Why?
- Sit down.

161
00:08:35,062 --> 00:08:37,022
Have you ever seen <i>The Nutty Professor?</i>

162
00:08:37,022 --> 00:08:39,066
- Uh, no, I have not.
- Okay.

163
00:08:39,066 --> 00:08:41,026
Eddie Murphy turns into this one guy,

164
00:08:41,026 --> 00:08:42,319
which is great at first.

165
00:08:42,319 --> 00:08:44,404
But then his family starts hating him

166
00:08:44,404 --> 00:08:46,490
and he starts hating himself.

167
00:08:47,032 --> 00:08:47,866
Uh--

168
00:08:49,368 --> 00:08:50,369
Look.

169
00:08:54,289 --> 00:08:56,375
I'm the Machine on-stage.

170
00:08:56,375 --> 00:08:58,752
I'm also the Machine off-stage.

171
00:09:00,003 --> 00:09:01,380
I got high and I got drunk,

172
00:09:01,380 --> 00:09:03,131
and I almost got our daughter arrested.

173
00:09:03,131 --> 00:09:04,675
I saw the look in her face.

174
00:09:05,759 --> 00:09:07,511
I was helpless
and I couldn't do anything,

175
00:09:07,511 --> 00:09:09,471
and I wanted to kill myself.

176
00:09:11,056 --> 00:09:13,267
I will never let that happen
to our family again.

177
00:09:17,020 --> 00:09:19,898
Well, fuck,
now I wanna watch <i>The Nutty Professor.</i>

178
00:09:19,898 --> 00:09:22,192
It's a pretty good movie.
I wish you had watched it.

179
00:09:22,192 --> 00:09:24,403
It's exactly
what I'm going through right now.

180
00:09:24,403 --> 00:09:28,156
Maybe for now, for today,
we keep it simple.

181
00:09:30,534 --> 00:09:32,244
- I can do simple.
- Yeah?

182
00:09:40,127 --> 00:09:41,545
There she is.

183
00:09:41,545 --> 00:09:42,879
There's my birthday girl.

184
00:09:42,879 --> 00:09:45,215
Hey, Sash, what do you think of the party?

185
00:09:45,882 --> 00:09:46,758
It's kind of big.

186
00:09:46,758 --> 00:09:48,427
Kind of big and awesome, right?

187
00:09:48,427 --> 00:09:51,013
Hey, Bert,
does the DJ have any glitchcore?

188
00:09:51,013 --> 00:09:52,139
Hey, Madison...

189
00:09:55,475 --> 00:09:56,685
I'll go check.

190
00:09:56,685 --> 00:09:58,645
- Hey. Hey.
- What's up?

191
00:09:58,645 --> 00:10:00,605
I thought you said you invited,
like, ten people.

192
00:10:00,605 --> 00:10:02,232
Oh, no. I invited a ton.

193
00:10:02,232 --> 00:10:03,859
Well, you can't risk no-shows, babe.

194
00:10:03,859 --> 00:10:05,902
And partying with six people
is fucking depressing.

195
00:10:05,902 --> 00:10:07,821
I even invited parents that hate me.

196
00:10:07,821 --> 00:10:10,073
- What's up, Madison's mom?
- Oh. Hm.

197
00:10:10,782 --> 00:10:12,617
That guy's a bitch. He is such a...

198
00:10:12,617 --> 00:10:14,202
She's going through a divorce. Be nice.

199
00:10:14,202 --> 00:10:15,329
- Seriously?
- Mm-hm.

200
00:10:15,329 --> 00:10:17,080
Hey, hey. This is a sweet 16.

201
00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:19,333
- It's a big deal.
- Yeah, for Sash.

202
00:10:19,333 --> 00:10:21,626
I think Skeletor over there
must be the DJ.

203
00:10:21,626 --> 00:10:23,128
Can you tell him where to set up?

204
00:10:23,128 --> 00:10:24,588
Yeah. Hey, <i>Trainspotting.</i>

205
00:10:24,588 --> 00:10:27,215
You have any glitchcore?
Wait, is that my boom box?

206
00:10:27,841 --> 00:10:28,675
Yeah.

207
00:10:29,217 --> 00:10:31,928
- Is that my auxiliary cord?
- Yeah.

208
00:10:31,928 --> 00:10:33,722
Oh, do you want my phone?

209
00:10:34,681 --> 00:10:35,682
Nah.

210
00:10:39,644 --> 00:10:40,937
Fucking disgusting.

211
00:10:40,937 --> 00:10:42,564
Hey, don't do that around the kids.

212
00:10:42,564 --> 00:10:45,776
Actually, you know what? Stay away
from the kids. We got music! I think.

213
00:10:45,776 --> 00:10:47,944
Gentlemen, what are you doing up here?
Girls are in the pool.

214
00:10:47,944 --> 00:10:49,112
They're talking about you. Jump in.

215
00:10:49,112 --> 00:10:50,864
Take your shirts off.
Don't piss in my pool.

216
00:10:50,864 --> 00:10:53,450
- Yo, Machine.
- Not today, brother. Not today.

217
00:10:53,450 --> 00:10:56,536
Ladies. Steer clear of the DJ.
Food's to the right, all right?

218
00:10:56,536 --> 00:10:57,913
Hey, Kreischer, no booze?

219
00:10:57,913 --> 00:10:59,831
Hey, Madison's mom, no husband?

220
00:10:59,831 --> 00:11:01,875
Fucking bitch.

221
00:11:01,875 --> 00:11:04,002
Oh, ho-ho-ho!

222
00:11:04,544 --> 00:11:06,963
Killing it, B-Man. Killing it.

223
00:11:10,842 --> 00:11:12,135
Hey there.

224
00:11:16,848 --> 00:11:18,100
Dad?

225
00:11:18,100 --> 00:11:19,351
In the flesh.

226
00:11:24,773 --> 00:11:27,776
I see you haven't given up
trying to learn how to barbecue.

227
00:11:27,776 --> 00:11:29,027
Good for you, son.

228
00:11:29,027 --> 00:11:31,571
Wait, what are you doing here?

229
00:11:32,322 --> 00:11:35,492
Well, I'm not gonna miss
my grandkid's sweet 16.

230
00:11:35,492 --> 00:11:36,952
It's a big day.

231
00:11:38,662 --> 00:11:40,705
Right. Right.

232
00:11:42,165 --> 00:11:43,166
Well...

233
00:11:56,012 --> 00:11:57,514
Not gonna flip 'em yet, huh?

234
00:12:00,725 --> 00:12:03,145
Might be... Eh, it's okay, it's okay.

235
00:12:03,145 --> 00:12:04,521
Really?

236
00:12:04,521 --> 00:12:07,149
Well, I just don't want you
to mess 'em up.

237
00:12:07,816 --> 00:12:09,776
You know,
then people will be disappointed.

238
00:12:09,776 --> 00:12:11,153
You'll feel bad.

239
00:12:11,153 --> 00:12:13,697
It'll be all that,
"Huh, remember Bert's barbecue?

240
00:12:13,697 --> 00:12:15,907
- Those burgers, yikes."
- Goddamn it.

241
00:12:15,907 --> 00:12:17,325
Oh, see?

242
00:12:17,325 --> 00:12:18,785
Did you add egg to the mix?

243
00:12:18,785 --> 00:12:21,788
- Okay, Dad.
- It binds. It moisturizes.

244
00:12:21,788 --> 00:12:23,331
Makes a much better burger.

245
00:12:23,331 --> 00:12:25,667
- Oh.
- My dad showed up.

246
00:12:25,667 --> 00:12:26,960
- From Florida?
- Yeah.

247
00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:29,880
And it took about two seconds before
he started making me mental with the:

248
00:12:30,797 --> 00:12:33,800
- Look at him!
- Hey, Boo Bear! Hi!

249
00:12:34,301 --> 00:12:35,594
He's a monster.

250
00:12:35,594 --> 00:12:37,012
- Oh!
- Oh.

251
00:12:37,012 --> 00:12:39,097
Okay, yeah. Breathe it out there, champ.

252
00:12:39,097 --> 00:12:40,849
-  Hey, hey, Dad?
- Yes!

253
00:12:40,849 --> 00:12:43,059
Yeah, no. The dog's pooping in the pool.

254
00:12:43,059 --> 00:12:44,436
- What?
-  Gross!

255
00:12:44,436 --> 00:12:45,562
Wait, how?

256
00:12:45,562 --> 00:12:48,732
You paid money
to see my son take off his shirt

257
00:12:48,732 --> 00:12:51,276
and tell his made-up story
about robbing a train in Russia?

258
00:12:51,276 --> 00:12:53,487
Dad, for the millionth time,
it's a true story.

259
00:12:53,487 --> 00:12:54,863
It's my job, okay?

260
00:12:54,863 --> 00:12:56,448
And you should get back on-stage.

261
00:12:56,448 --> 00:12:58,742
'Cause I've seen you only,
like, five times.

262
00:12:58,742 --> 00:13:01,161
You paid to see him five times?

263
00:13:01,995 --> 00:13:04,456
I'm just shocked
that people would actually do that.

264
00:13:04,456 --> 00:13:05,457
Dad.

265
00:13:05,457 --> 00:13:07,292
You don't buy carpet five times.

266
00:13:07,292 --> 00:13:11,338
- Bye, Papa.
- Oh, sweetheart.

267
00:13:11,338 --> 00:13:12,672
I'm sorry, I'm gonna go.

268
00:13:12,672 --> 00:13:14,174
Oh, don't worry about that.

269
00:13:14,174 --> 00:13:18,803
And you remember, you can call me anytime
whenever you want to talk about...

270
00:13:18,803 --> 00:13:20,013
Well, you know.

271
00:13:20,889 --> 00:13:23,308
- All right. Bye.
-  Whoa, whoa, whoa!

272
00:13:23,308 --> 00:13:25,185
Wait, where are you going? Hold on.

273
00:13:25,185 --> 00:13:27,020
- Bye, Bert.
- Mr. Kreischer. Hey, stop!

274
00:13:27,020 --> 00:13:28,271
- What?
- Where are you going?

275
00:13:28,271 --> 00:13:30,440
Mads asked me to go to Big Bear
for, like, three days.

276
00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:33,235
You are not going anywhere.
Hey, you're 16 years old.

277
00:13:33,235 --> 00:13:36,321
You're not going to Big Bear 'cause I know
you're gonna drink beer and smoke pot.

278
00:13:36,321 --> 00:13:38,615
I'll be fine because I'm not you. Okay?

279
00:13:38,615 --> 00:13:40,784
Okay, stop. That's fair. That's fair.

280
00:13:40,784 --> 00:13:43,245
I deserve that. I deserve that. Okay?

281
00:13:43,245 --> 00:13:46,414
Hey. Look at me. Look at me. Don't go.

282
00:13:46,414 --> 00:13:47,958
We wrap up this party, me and you,

283
00:13:47,958 --> 00:13:50,085
hang out tonight,
we'll watch <i>Dr. Pimple Popper.</i>

284
00:13:50,794 --> 00:13:53,046
I don't even watch that show anymore, Dad.

285
00:13:53,046 --> 00:13:55,131
And I don't even know
half of these people here.

286
00:13:55,131 --> 00:13:56,466
What, are you kidding me?

287
00:13:56,967 --> 00:13:59,052
You know-- What about this guy?
You know this guy.

288
00:13:59,052 --> 00:14:00,303
- Ray Ray.
- You know Ray Ray.

289
00:14:00,303 --> 00:14:02,389
Dad, I said I wanted a small party,

290
00:14:02,389 --> 00:14:04,849
and you promised
that you wouldn't embarrass me.

291
00:14:05,517 --> 00:14:07,185
I'm just trying to be a good dad.

292
00:14:07,185 --> 00:14:08,270
See?

293
00:14:08,270 --> 00:14:09,980
It's about you.

294
00:14:09,980 --> 00:14:12,941
- It's always about you!
- What are you talking about?

295
00:14:12,941 --> 00:14:15,694
How did I make it about...?
How did you flip that?

296
00:14:15,694 --> 00:14:17,153
Don't do that! Don't leave!

297
00:14:17,153 --> 00:14:18,905
Don't you flip me off!

298
00:14:18,905 --> 00:14:20,448
Don't you get in that car!

299
00:14:20,448 --> 00:14:22,117
Don't get-- See?

300
00:14:22,117 --> 00:14:24,911
This is the C-word behavior
I was talking about in therapy!

301
00:14:24,911 --> 00:14:27,289
I'm not saying it!
I'm just pointing it out!

302
00:14:34,045 --> 00:14:36,506
It's your fat fucking fault! Asshole!

303
00:14:37,340 --> 00:14:38,592
Goddamn it.

304
00:14:46,850 --> 00:14:47,934
Son?

305
00:14:48,727 --> 00:14:49,728
Not now, Dad.

306
00:14:50,604 --> 00:14:51,479
Uh...

307
00:14:51,479 --> 00:14:53,064
We should...

308
00:14:54,316 --> 00:14:55,317
You know...

309
00:14:56,318 --> 00:14:58,862
if you're searching for a new path,

310
00:14:59,696 --> 00:15:02,741
there's always room for you
at Kreischer Karpets.

311
00:15:03,950 --> 00:15:06,453
I'm good, Dad, okay? I'm good. I promise.

312
00:15:06,453 --> 00:15:07,662
Just give me a minute.

313
00:15:08,622 --> 00:15:09,623
Well...

314
00:15:10,332 --> 00:15:14,085
I just wasn't sure, you know,
how you're making money

315
00:15:14,085 --> 00:15:18,173
if you're not doing
the whole comedy thing anymore.

316
00:15:19,007 --> 00:15:21,301
Hey, I'm a grown man.

317
00:15:21,301 --> 00:15:22,469
I'll figure it out, okay?

318
00:15:22,469 --> 00:15:24,429
Yeah, all right, all right, you know.

319
00:15:25,180 --> 00:15:26,306
Just trying to help.

320
00:15:26,306 --> 00:15:28,058
Hold on right there.

321
00:15:28,058 --> 00:15:30,769
No, you're not.
You're never trying to help, Dad.

322
00:15:30,769 --> 00:15:31,978
That's the point.

323
00:15:31,978 --> 00:15:35,065
When I got in trouble, what did you say
to me? "Oh, don't be an idiot."

324
00:15:35,065 --> 00:15:38,234
My advice to you was
don't do stupid things in public,

325
00:15:38,234 --> 00:15:40,278
- especially with the children.
- Oh, same thing!

326
00:15:40,278 --> 00:15:41,696
Which is good advice.

327
00:15:41,696 --> 00:15:43,615
And you and Sasha wouldn't be
where you were

328
00:15:43,615 --> 00:15:45,450
if you'd only listened to me.

329
00:15:45,450 --> 00:15:46,868
- Oh, my God.

330
00:15:46,868 --> 00:15:50,121
Ma'am, the party's outside. Okay?

331
00:15:50,121 --> 00:15:51,790
Are you the Machine?

332
00:15:51,790 --> 00:15:53,416
Oh, shit.

333
00:15:55,126 --> 00:15:57,087
Yeah, I am.
And I can do a picture in a second.

334
00:15:57,087 --> 00:16:00,215
I'm kind of having
a private moment with my father, okay?

335
00:16:01,883 --> 00:16:04,344
I'm here for the pocket watch

336
00:16:04,344 --> 00:16:08,181
stolen on a train in Russia 23 years ago

337
00:16:08,181 --> 00:16:09,891
by you.

338
00:16:11,184 --> 00:16:12,018
Okay.

339
00:16:12,602 --> 00:16:14,521
I'm having a shitshow day.

340
00:16:14,521 --> 00:16:17,816
So if this is some sort of TikTok prank,
I'm about to lose my fucking shit.

341
00:16:18,733 --> 00:16:21,945
It's definitely a prank.
Clearly, that's a fake gun.

342
00:16:22,654 --> 00:16:24,614
-  Or not!

343
00:16:24,614 --> 00:16:26,658
- She's got a fucking gun, Dad!
- Yeah, I'm clear on that now.

344
00:16:26,658 --> 00:16:28,201
- Sit down!
- Yes, ma'am.

345
00:16:28,201 --> 00:16:32,372
- My name is Irina Ivanona Volgina.

346
00:16:32,372 --> 00:16:35,583
And I suggest you start remembering.

347
00:16:36,167 --> 00:16:38,294
It was 20 years ago.
I barely remember that trip.

348
00:16:38,294 --> 00:16:40,714
I don't have a watch,
and it's definitely not here.

349
00:16:40,714 --> 00:16:43,425
Then you're coming with me
back to Russia to find it.

350
00:16:43,425 --> 00:16:44,926
Russia?

351
00:16:44,926 --> 00:16:47,011
- Look at your daughter.

352
00:16:48,847 --> 00:16:50,765
So innocent.

353
00:16:50,765 --> 00:16:52,225
So pure.

354
00:16:52,809 --> 00:16:54,894
So vulnerable.

355
00:16:56,146 --> 00:16:57,605
Do you see that man?

356
00:16:58,356 --> 00:16:59,691
DJ Chemo?

357
00:16:59,691 --> 00:17:01,651
He will follow her on her trip.

358
00:17:02,318 --> 00:17:04,070
If you do not find my watch,

359
00:17:04,070 --> 00:17:05,530
he kills her.

360
00:17:08,199 --> 00:17:11,453
If you try to run, he kills her.

361
00:17:13,163 --> 00:17:16,249
You say a word about this to anyone...

362
00:17:18,293 --> 00:17:19,294
he kills her.

363
00:17:19,294 --> 00:17:20,879
Okay. Okay.

364
00:17:20,879 --> 00:17:23,840
I'll do whatever you want.
Just let my daughter go.

365
00:17:25,300 --> 00:17:27,469
Listen, I'll do whatever you want.

366
00:17:28,386 --> 00:17:30,930
Just don't hurt my daughter.
And let my father go, all right?

367
00:17:30,930 --> 00:17:33,349
He wasn't supposed to be here.
He wasn't even invited.

368
00:17:35,018 --> 00:17:38,104
- I'm going with you.
- Dad, you're not going with me.

369
00:17:38,104 --> 00:17:41,107
I wouldn't be able to live with myself
if you failed to protect Sasha.

370
00:17:41,107 --> 00:17:43,902
- Dad, stop! You're not going!
- He goes!

371
00:17:44,652 --> 00:17:47,280
If you need persuading in Russia,

372
00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:48,865
he might be useful.

373
00:17:50,742 --> 00:17:51,910
For torture.

374
00:17:52,619 --> 00:17:53,745
The car is waiting.

375
00:17:53,745 --> 00:17:55,288
We leave now.

376
00:17:58,541 --> 00:18:00,210
Dad, put your fucking hands down.

377
00:18:01,419 --> 00:18:03,213
Excuse me. Hey, Albert?

378
00:18:04,422 --> 00:18:06,049
Hold, hold, hold, wait up.

379
00:18:06,049 --> 00:18:09,260
Oh, my God. I haven't even seen you yet.
I'm so sorry I haven't said hi.

380
00:18:09,260 --> 00:18:10,678
- Hello.
- Hello, dear.

381
00:18:10,678 --> 00:18:12,764
- There are so many people here.
-  Mm-hm.

382
00:18:12,764 --> 00:18:14,641
Hi. Oh, who is this?

383
00:18:14,641 --> 00:18:17,977
Uh... this is our, uh,
Uber driver, uh, Sylvia.

384
00:18:17,977 --> 00:18:19,229
Sylvia.

385
00:18:19,229 --> 00:18:22,732
Hi. Your Uber driver?

386
00:18:22,732 --> 00:18:23,733
Where are you going?

387
00:18:23,733 --> 00:18:25,026
- Uh...
- Um...

388
00:18:26,778 --> 00:18:27,904
Oh, my God.

389
00:18:28,488 --> 00:18:29,697
Yeah. I see what's going on.

390
00:18:29,697 --> 00:18:31,699
You two are gonna follow Sasha
to Big Bear.

391
00:18:31,699 --> 00:18:33,785
- Yes, we are.
- Exactly. Big Bear, yes.

392
00:18:33,785 --> 00:18:35,453
Cool. Great. Well, you know what?

393
00:18:35,453 --> 00:18:37,413
I'll just stay home,
take care of everything,

394
00:18:37,413 --> 00:18:41,960
and the two of you can just fuck off
on your creepy, little, puritanical--

395
00:18:48,174 --> 00:18:50,343
I love you. I'm sorry. Kiss Tats for me.

396
00:18:50,343 --> 00:18:51,427
Dad, let's go.

397
00:18:52,428 --> 00:18:53,429
Where...?

398
00:18:54,138 --> 00:18:55,765
Good work, Kreischers.

399
00:18:57,100 --> 00:19:00,436
This is my bodyguard, Sponge.

400
00:19:00,436 --> 00:19:02,605
Sponge, like you absorb liquids?

401
00:19:02,605 --> 00:19:05,483
Absorb bullets.

402
00:19:26,421 --> 00:19:28,423
Two? You said one.

403
00:19:29,424 --> 00:19:31,426
Still think I made the story up?

404
00:19:31,843 --> 00:19:34,345
You cannot bring both.

405
00:19:34,345 --> 00:19:35,763
Too many questions!

406
00:19:36,681 --> 00:19:38,266
Oh, fuck!

407
00:19:38,892 --> 00:19:41,769
Never tell me what I can do. Ever!

408
00:19:45,398 --> 00:19:46,441
Move it.

409
00:19:56,409 --> 00:20:00,455
They said Machine had ice in veins.

410
00:20:00,455 --> 00:20:02,790
Could walk through the walls.

411
00:20:02,790 --> 00:20:05,668
Drink more than any man.

412
00:20:07,128 --> 00:20:08,963
I grew up hearing this myth.

413
00:20:10,465 --> 00:20:11,549
You.

414
00:20:16,220 --> 00:20:17,597
You're fat.

415
00:20:18,723 --> 00:20:20,558
And you have tits.

416
00:20:20,558 --> 00:20:22,477
Very disturbing.

417
00:20:22,477 --> 00:20:25,480
That's body-shaming. And honestly,
I expect more empathy out of a woman.

418
00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:26,981
Such a disappointment.

419
00:20:26,981 --> 00:20:30,693
Like opening peanuts
and joke snake pop out.

420
00:20:30,693 --> 00:20:32,320
Enjoy your flight, Machine.

421
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:34,322
It will probably be your last.

422
00:21:12,068 --> 00:21:15,113
All right. When we land,
I'm gonna create a diversion.

423
00:21:15,113 --> 00:21:17,407
What I want you to do
is go to the embassy.

424
00:21:17,407 --> 00:21:18,324
Dad.

425
00:21:18,324 --> 00:21:21,285
Now, these people really know
what they're doing around the grill.

426
00:21:21,285 --> 00:21:23,287
How can you eat at a time like this?

427
00:21:23,287 --> 00:21:27,208
Son, I'm a small-business owner
from a "stand your ground" state.

428
00:21:27,208 --> 00:21:28,710
This is like a Tuesday for me.

429
00:21:28,710 --> 00:21:31,462
Machina, the myth.

430
00:21:31,462 --> 00:21:34,132
Your turn, huh?

431
00:21:34,132 --> 00:21:36,926
No, no. I wish I could.
I just got a crown replaced.

432
00:21:36,926 --> 00:21:38,886
- Oh, Machina.

433
00:21:38,886 --> 00:21:41,305
But I have an uneven jaw,
and it took them forever to...

434
00:21:41,305 --> 00:21:42,974
- Hey, Bert.
- What?

435
00:21:42,974 --> 00:21:45,977
You want to know
why people respect Kreischer Karpets?

436
00:21:45,977 --> 00:21:48,187
Well, it's definitely
not 'cause you spelled "carpets" with a K.

437
00:21:48,187 --> 00:21:49,689
No, that's just good marketing.

438
00:21:49,689 --> 00:21:54,068
It's because we install anywhere.

439
00:21:54,068 --> 00:21:56,529
- We never show fear.

440
00:21:56,529 --> 00:21:58,031
We face it.

441
00:21:58,031 --> 00:22:02,702
So, Bert, don't show fear.

442
00:22:03,870 --> 00:22:04,871
Wow.

443
00:22:06,956 --> 00:22:08,875
You really shoehorned that message in.

444
00:22:09,542 --> 00:22:12,128
All right, Sponge, I guess I got next.

445
00:22:12,128 --> 00:22:14,380
-  Oh!

446
00:22:14,380 --> 00:22:15,840
Machina,

447
00:22:16,466 --> 00:22:19,510
all I have heard about you,
and you have titty, huh?

448
00:22:21,012 --> 00:22:22,764
You're such a large man.

449
00:22:24,057 --> 00:22:25,725
You're so fucking big.

450
00:22:26,851 --> 00:22:28,394
Let's hope this works.

451
00:22:29,562 --> 00:22:34,901
I'm gonna show you
what we in the States call "dad strength."

452
00:22:42,950 --> 00:22:44,035
Funny!

453
00:22:44,035 --> 00:22:45,244
Now...

454
00:22:46,329 --> 00:22:47,830
my turn, huh?

455
00:23:05,389 --> 00:23:08,643
Well, you showed fear.

456
00:23:12,563 --> 00:23:16,609
Son, I think this trip to Russia
could give you some... direction.

457
00:23:17,110 --> 00:23:19,779
Look, I had this with me in Rome.

458
00:23:19,779 --> 00:23:21,614
Saved me more than a few times.

459
00:23:22,198 --> 00:23:23,449
You take care of it...

460
00:23:24,700 --> 00:23:26,160
it will take care of you.

461
00:23:28,871 --> 00:23:30,915
- Your pocketknife?
- Mm-hm.

462
00:23:30,915 --> 00:23:32,208
Ah, thanks, Dad.

463
00:23:33,292 --> 00:23:36,629
We hope our sons grow up to be
the men we wish we could be, Bert.

464
00:23:37,713 --> 00:23:40,049
Maybe this trip
can start you on that path.

465
00:23:40,049 --> 00:23:41,300
And also...

466
00:23:42,927 --> 00:23:45,388
if you lose that knife in Russia,

467
00:23:46,139 --> 00:23:48,599
I will disown you.

468
00:23:48,599 --> 00:23:50,601
Ah, funny story.

469
00:23:52,770 --> 00:23:56,065
I did lose your knife in Russia.

470
00:23:56,065 --> 00:23:57,567
Dad, I'm sorry.

471
00:23:58,651 --> 00:24:00,153
I knew you'd let me down.

472
00:24:01,696 --> 00:24:02,613
You did?

473
00:24:06,117 --> 00:24:07,785
Got your manhood!

474
00:24:07,785 --> 00:24:09,370
Oh, you took my testicles!

475
00:24:15,126 --> 00:24:16,669
- Hey there.
- While you were out,

476
00:24:16,669 --> 00:24:19,088
- your father and I got to know each other.
- Wait.

477
00:24:19,088 --> 00:24:21,924
Also, we watched
<i>Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid.</i>

478
00:24:21,924 --> 00:24:23,259
The ending? Wow.

479
00:24:23,259 --> 00:24:25,261
Dad, that's our movie.

480
00:24:25,261 --> 00:24:27,930
Bert, we have to find this watch.

481
00:24:27,930 --> 00:24:29,557
You stole it. What'd you do with it?

482
00:24:29,557 --> 00:24:32,602
Jesus Christ. It's the top five drunkest
I've ever been in my life.

483
00:24:32,602 --> 00:24:34,770
I'm usually drunk when I tell the story.

484
00:24:34,770 --> 00:24:38,024
- Okay. Okay. Hold on, hold on.

485
00:24:38,024 --> 00:24:41,485
Give me a sec. Let me think. Let me think.
God. I'm not good with guns at my head.

486
00:24:44,655 --> 00:24:46,532
Fedor. What about Fedor?

487
00:24:46,532 --> 00:24:49,535
<i>He was the gangster on the train.
Everything we stole, we gave to him.</i>

488
00:24:49,535 --> 00:24:51,829
Yeah, I talked to Fedor.

489
00:24:51,829 --> 00:24:53,581
He doesn't remember the watch.

490
00:24:53,581 --> 00:24:55,041
So I killed him.

491
00:24:56,167 --> 00:24:57,376
Jesus Christ.

492
00:24:59,170 --> 00:25:00,254
Igor.

493
00:25:02,465 --> 00:25:03,466
Which Igor?

494
00:25:03,466 --> 00:25:05,134
I know like 50 Igors.

495
00:25:05,134 --> 00:25:08,804
Uh, Igor was the mobster
that took care of our class.

496
00:25:08,804 --> 00:25:10,514
He lived with us in the dorms.

497
00:25:10,514 --> 00:25:12,308
Maybe he still lives in the dorms.

498
00:25:12,308 --> 00:25:14,727
Fuck school. Let's party.

499
00:25:16,020 --> 00:25:16,854
Hm.

500
00:25:18,314 --> 00:25:20,107
Then this is where we go.

501
00:25:24,862 --> 00:25:28,950
Can't believe you watched
<i>Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.</i> Fuck.

502
00:25:29,867 --> 00:25:31,661
ST. PETERSBERG

503
00:25:45,049 --> 00:25:47,260
Follow my lead.
If we get a chance, we run.

504
00:25:47,260 --> 00:25:48,636
Is there a problem?

505
00:25:48,636 --> 00:25:53,516
Your documents indicate
11 passengers, but I count 12.

506
00:25:54,517 --> 00:25:55,559
I told you so.

507
00:25:58,187 --> 00:26:00,856
Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad.

508
00:26:00,856 --> 00:26:02,358
Oh, my God. Oh!

509
00:26:03,442 --> 00:26:05,403
He's going down. He's going down.

510
00:26:06,612 --> 00:26:07,613
I count 11.

511
00:26:07,613 --> 00:26:08,698
Jeez Louise!

512
00:26:17,331 --> 00:26:18,416
Wait.

513
00:26:19,166 --> 00:26:20,960
That's me. I'm the Machine.

514
00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:22,795
{\an8}Why am I on a billboard?

515
00:26:22,795 --> 00:26:25,047
{\an8} <i>Da.</i> You famous.

516
00:26:25,047 --> 00:26:27,925
I'm hot folklore in the Soviet Union.

517
00:26:27,925 --> 00:26:30,553
The Soviet Union is dead,
you ignorant fuck!

518
00:26:31,470 --> 00:26:34,056
We're Russia. We're strong.

519
00:26:34,056 --> 00:26:35,057
We're here.

520
00:26:37,476 --> 00:26:39,478
They turned it into condos.

521
00:26:41,439 --> 00:26:42,732
Oh, hello there.

522
00:26:43,149 --> 00:26:43,983
Ha!

523
00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:47,028
Hey, Dad, this isn't Orlando.
Quit trying to work a threesome.

524
00:26:47,028 --> 00:26:48,696
Put it back in your pants.

525
00:26:48,696 --> 00:26:50,781
Well, that was rude.

526
00:26:50,781 --> 00:26:52,116
Move.

527
00:26:52,116 --> 00:26:53,909
Hey, here's where we took classes.

528
00:26:55,036 --> 00:26:56,287
This is where I met Igor.

529
00:26:59,040 --> 00:27:01,667
Wow. Twenty-three years ago.

530
00:27:02,168 --> 00:27:04,211
I should've taken more pictures
of my dick.

531
00:27:04,211 --> 00:27:09,633
<i>♪ I don't practice Santeria
I ain't got no crystal ball ♪</i>

532
00:27:09,633 --> 00:27:15,348
<i>♪ Well, I had a million dollars
But I'd, I'd spend it all ♪</i>

533
00:27:15,348 --> 00:27:20,561
<i>♪ If I could find that jaina
And that sancho that she's found ♪</i>

534
00:27:20,561 --> 00:27:23,731
<i>♪ Well, I'd pop a cap in sancho
And I'd slap her down... ♪</i>

535
00:27:23,731 --> 00:27:25,149
THE DORMS

536
00:27:25,149 --> 00:27:26,942
<i>Okay, class, listen up.</i>

537
00:27:27,651 --> 00:27:30,488
Do not expect an easy course load.

538
00:27:30,488 --> 00:27:31,906
It isn't a vacation.

539
00:27:31,906 --> 00:27:36,077
Your goal is to culturally bond
with the indigenous citizens.

540
00:27:36,744 --> 00:27:40,664
This is Igor. He is a <i>banditti.</i>
You will be taking courses...

541
00:27:40,664 --> 00:27:43,501
I actually don't speak much Russian.
What is <i>"banditti"?</i>

542
00:27:43,501 --> 00:27:46,921
Oh, um, <i>"banditti"</i>
is the Russian word for mobster.

543
00:27:47,505 --> 00:27:50,383
This is a class trip.
How come we've never met?

544
00:27:50,383 --> 00:27:53,135
Oh, I don't go to class much. I'm Bert.

545
00:27:53,135 --> 00:27:54,887
Oh, Ashley.

546
00:27:54,887 --> 00:27:57,056
But Russia is a dangerous place.

547
00:27:57,056 --> 00:27:58,724
Igor is our fixer.

548
00:27:58,724 --> 00:28:01,477
He is only here for your protection.

549
00:28:02,311 --> 00:28:03,604
He is very dangerous.

550
00:28:03,604 --> 00:28:04,522
Oh!

551
00:28:07,775 --> 00:28:10,820
You are not to talk to
or hang out with him.

552
00:28:10,820 --> 00:28:13,030
All I want to do is hang out with him.

553
00:28:13,030 --> 00:28:16,242
<i>I never know what to believe
about what you say happened back then.</i>

554
00:28:16,242 --> 00:28:19,161
You do have a very active imagination.

555
00:28:19,161 --> 00:28:20,830
I imagine.

556
00:28:20,830 --> 00:28:23,958
- That's my issue.
- Well, one of them.

557
00:28:23,958 --> 00:28:27,086
My father and I
have a similar relationship.

558
00:28:27,086 --> 00:28:29,672
What the fuck is this thing?
Is it an iPad?

559
00:28:30,381 --> 00:28:31,799
I got this, son.

560
00:28:31,799 --> 00:28:33,968
I am an Eagle Scout.

561
00:28:35,219 --> 00:28:36,637
What is an Eagle Scout?

562
00:28:36,637 --> 00:28:38,347
It's like if James Bond was a Mormon.

563
00:28:38,347 --> 00:28:40,599
An Eagle Scout can get in anywhere.

564
00:28:40,599 --> 00:28:42,852
You'd know that
if you'd become an Eagle Scout.

565
00:28:42,852 --> 00:28:45,062
But no...

566
00:28:48,524 --> 00:28:50,359
My fist is Eagle Scout.

567
00:28:52,194 --> 00:28:53,529
I'll wait in the car.

568
00:28:55,030 --> 00:28:56,949
He has impulse-control issue.

569
00:28:56,949 --> 00:28:57,867
Very sad.

570
00:28:57,867 --> 00:28:59,452
Yeah. Steroids will do that to you.

571
00:28:59,452 --> 00:29:02,496
{\an8}- They really dressed this place up.

572
00:29:03,497 --> 00:29:05,791
Still have the world's smallest elevator.

573
00:29:11,213 --> 00:29:13,757
Tell Vanya they are here.

574
00:29:16,135 --> 00:29:17,720
Holy shit.

575
00:29:18,387 --> 00:29:21,307
There was a woman that sat right there.

576
00:29:21,307 --> 00:29:23,976
She absolutely loved me.

577
00:29:23,976 --> 00:29:26,604
Igor's room was all the way down
to the right.

578
00:29:27,438 --> 00:29:29,523
I took a shit on a pizza box right there.

579
00:29:29,523 --> 00:29:31,442
Jesus, son.

580
00:29:31,442 --> 00:29:33,444
Eh, it got mixed reviews.

581
00:29:34,445 --> 00:29:37,364
Honestly,
if I hadn't sprained that finger,

582
00:29:37,364 --> 00:29:39,158
probably would've made it to the league.

583
00:29:39,158 --> 00:29:41,327
But, you know,
I wasn't about to lose a thumb war

584
00:29:41,327 --> 00:29:43,162
to a 12-year-old, you know?

585
00:29:43,662 --> 00:29:45,039
Here you go, <i>dabushka.</i>

586
00:29:45,039 --> 00:29:47,041
Gifts from your American friend.

587
00:29:47,041 --> 00:29:48,626
- Ah.

588
00:29:48,626 --> 00:29:51,420
Gifts are a very important aspect
of Russian life, Ash.

589
00:29:51,420 --> 00:29:53,506
- Bet you didn't know that.
-  Mm.

590
00:29:53,506 --> 00:29:55,508
Bet you didn't know your fly was down.

591
00:29:57,843 --> 00:29:59,970
<i>Why are you telling us this?</i>

592
00:29:59,970 --> 00:30:01,055
<i>Sorry.</i>

593
00:30:01,055 --> 00:30:02,765
<i>Lot of memories being back here.</i>

594
00:30:06,519 --> 00:30:09,688
Whoa, you live right across
from Igor and the <i>banditti?</i>

595
00:30:09,688 --> 00:30:12,066
Do you ever hear, like,
screams coming from their room?

596
00:30:12,066 --> 00:30:13,192
No, not really.

597
00:30:14,276 --> 00:30:15,277
Look at them.

598
00:30:15,819 --> 00:30:17,571
They're magnificent.

599
00:30:17,571 --> 00:30:20,115
How do I talk to them?
How do I say my name?

600
00:30:23,369 --> 00:30:24,745
<i>I planned the perfect sentence.</i>

601
00:30:26,997 --> 00:30:30,292
<i>But the second I was face-to-face
with a real Russian gangster,</i>

602
00:30:30,292 --> 00:30:31,502
<i>I panicked.</i>

603
00:30:32,253 --> 00:30:33,504
<i>Ya machina.</i>

604
00:30:39,635 --> 00:30:41,136
<i>Ya machina.</i>

605
00:30:41,762 --> 00:30:43,764
"Muchina" <i>means badass.</i>

606
00:30:43,764 --> 00:30:45,724
"Machina" <i>means machine.</i>

607
00:30:45,724 --> 00:30:47,434
<i>I said I was the Machine.</i>

608
00:30:47,434 --> 00:30:48,978
<i>You're an idiot.</i>

609
00:30:50,187 --> 00:30:51,689
<i>Ya machina.</i>

610
00:30:53,148 --> 00:30:55,150
-  <i>Luckily...</i>

611
00:30:55,150 --> 00:30:56,527
<i>they thought it was hilarious.</i>

612
00:30:56,527 --> 00:30:58,153
<i>On machina!</i>

613
00:30:59,572 --> 00:31:02,491
<i>They introduced me to their world,
and I introduced them to mine.</i>

614
00:31:02,491 --> 00:31:05,119
<i>Vodka, lemon, two teaspoons of sugar.</i>

615
00:31:05,119 --> 00:31:07,663
<i>- These are called lemon drops.</i>
- They're called lemon drops.

616
00:31:07,663 --> 00:31:12,001
Okay, they're from Florida,
and they're fucking delicious!

617
00:31:12,001 --> 00:31:15,004
The Machine is powered by lemons!

618
00:31:15,004 --> 00:31:18,215
<i>And the legend of the Machine was born.</i>

619
00:31:22,511 --> 00:31:23,887
All right, all right, all right.

620
00:31:23,887 --> 00:31:27,266
This next one's a little thing
I like to call Beavis and Butt-Head.

621
00:31:29,101 --> 00:31:30,477
His head is a butt!

622
00:31:30,477 --> 00:31:33,147
<i>They had no frame of reference
for American culture.</i>

623
00:31:33,147 --> 00:31:35,941
Do I make you horny?

624
00:31:35,941 --> 00:31:38,193
<i>Austin Powers? Really?</i>

625
00:31:38,193 --> 00:31:39,320
<i>Shut up, Dad.</i>

626
00:31:40,195 --> 00:31:42,948
<i>So I stole from the best,
and they thought it was me.</i>

627
00:31:44,450 --> 00:31:47,786
<i>To them, I was just some crazy genius
who could out-drink 'em all.</i>

628
00:31:47,786 --> 00:31:50,372
- I'm the Machine!

629
00:31:56,253 --> 00:31:58,297
I call this the "Macarena."

630
00:32:00,841 --> 00:32:02,134
<i>Word spread fast.</i>

631
00:32:02,134 --> 00:32:05,137
<i>And the legend of the Machine
just kept growing.</i>

632
00:32:09,475 --> 00:32:12,061
<i>Everyone in Russia heard the stories.</i>

633
00:32:12,061 --> 00:32:14,146
<i>You were folklore.</i>

634
00:32:14,146 --> 00:32:15,981
-<i>I was good for Igor's business.</i>

635
00:32:15,981 --> 00:32:17,441
<i>People paid him to party with me.</i>

636
00:32:17,441 --> 00:32:18,901
<i>Wait! The stash hole!</i>

637
00:32:19,568 --> 00:32:22,237
Igor's room has a stash hole in it,
in the wall.

638
00:32:22,237 --> 00:32:24,823
And what does he keep in this hole?

639
00:32:24,823 --> 00:32:26,158
Beanie Babies.

640
00:32:26,659 --> 00:32:28,744
Come on. Drugs, money and porn.
You're in the mob.

641
00:32:28,744 --> 00:32:31,538
But maybe there's something in there
that can tell us how to find him.

642
00:32:31,538 --> 00:32:32,956
It's this one right here.

643
00:32:32,956 --> 00:32:36,126
I hope so, for your daughter's sake.

644
00:32:40,422 --> 00:32:41,298
Oi!

645
00:32:41,298 --> 00:32:45,636
- That's feminism. You asked for it.
- Fuck you! Pussy woman-boy!

646
00:32:45,636 --> 00:32:47,846
Well, I see wokeness
hasn't made its way to Russia.

647
00:33:03,696 --> 00:33:06,240
- The hole?
- Yeah, right.

648
00:33:06,907 --> 00:33:07,908
All right.

649
00:33:08,575 --> 00:33:10,869
That wall used to go all the way down.

650
00:33:11,495 --> 00:33:12,871
If I'm not mistaken...

651
00:33:16,458 --> 00:33:17,459
Ah!

652
00:33:17,459 --> 00:33:18,419
Bingo.

653
00:33:23,674 --> 00:33:25,467
No watch.

654
00:33:25,467 --> 00:33:27,219
This is something way better.

655
00:33:27,219 --> 00:33:28,887
One of Ash's pot brownies, Dad.

656
00:33:28,887 --> 00:33:31,140
These things were gold back in the day.

657
00:33:31,140 --> 00:33:34,852
Why would anyone keep
20-year-old marijuana brownies?

658
00:33:34,852 --> 00:33:38,230
Ashley's pot brownies
are the best thing I've ever tasted.

659
00:33:38,230 --> 00:33:40,566
They're mad strong, though,
so only eat a little.

660
00:33:42,401 --> 00:33:45,362
- Don't fuck.

661
00:33:45,362 --> 00:33:47,239
You're fucking with me, man.

662
00:33:47,865 --> 00:33:49,450
Go fuck yourself.

663
00:33:51,410 --> 00:33:53,162
Hey, how'd you become a <i>banditti?</i>

664
00:33:54,455 --> 00:33:55,456
One day,

665
00:33:56,957 --> 00:33:58,208
man told me,

666
00:33:58,208 --> 00:34:01,545
"Igor, help me with this thing."

667
00:34:03,505 --> 00:34:04,631
Thing was mafia.

668
00:34:04,631 --> 00:34:06,884
'Cause if I get hungry, I get hangry,
and everybody knows

669
00:34:06,884 --> 00:34:09,428
marijuana goes bad after time.
It's like the reverse of pickles.

670
00:34:09,428 --> 00:34:12,264
So no Igor, no watch.

671
00:34:12,264 --> 00:34:15,225
Just old money and pickle weed.

672
00:34:15,851 --> 00:34:17,936
This is not good for you, Bert.

673
00:34:17,936 --> 00:34:20,522
-  Fuck you.

674
00:34:20,522 --> 00:34:21,815
Vanya.

675
00:34:21,815 --> 00:34:23,567
It's not good for you either.

676
00:34:23,567 --> 00:34:25,319
VANYA

677
00:34:25,319 --> 00:34:27,279
What are you doing here?

678
00:34:29,865 --> 00:34:31,533
He is Machina?

679
00:34:31,533 --> 00:34:32,659
The man's man?

680
00:34:32,659 --> 00:34:34,203
Nah.

681
00:34:34,203 --> 00:34:37,122
He has, uh... breasts.

682
00:34:43,879 --> 00:34:46,173
Your friend, Igor,

683
00:34:46,965 --> 00:34:49,551
he took over the trains to Moscow.

684
00:34:50,135 --> 00:34:52,513
And now I know where to find the watch.

685
00:34:52,513 --> 00:34:54,389
How do you know Igor runs trains?

686
00:34:54,389 --> 00:34:55,599
Because...

687
00:34:56,558 --> 00:34:57,976
I am respected.

688
00:35:01,021 --> 00:35:03,607
I make it my job to know these things.

689
00:35:03,607 --> 00:35:04,691
You?

690
00:35:07,277 --> 00:35:08,821
You are foolish woman.

691
00:35:09,530 --> 00:35:11,365
Playing pretend.

692
00:35:18,497 --> 00:35:19,832
I do not play.

693
00:35:24,878 --> 00:35:26,380
- Oh!

694
00:35:27,756 --> 00:35:29,758
Holy cow!

695
00:35:33,387 --> 00:35:35,055
You're an insolent child, Vanya.

696
00:35:35,055 --> 00:35:38,392
Now you come with me on train
or you go out window.

697
00:35:39,476 --> 00:35:42,104
- All right, let's go, Dad. Come on.
- Yeah, let's go. Let's go.

698
00:35:43,313 --> 00:35:44,314
See you around.

699
00:35:47,609 --> 00:35:48,944
Put your hands down.

700
00:35:51,738 --> 00:35:53,699
Well, this is wonderful.

701
00:35:53,699 --> 00:35:55,701
We're about to be killed by gangsters.

702
00:35:55,701 --> 00:35:57,828
And you're pocketing ancient pot brownies.

703
00:35:57,828 --> 00:36:00,831
You say shit like that and you wonder
why we haven't visited in three years.

704
00:36:00,831 --> 00:36:02,040
- So now it's my fault?
- Yeah.

705
00:36:02,040 --> 00:36:03,917
I don't want to be around that shit,
and neither do my kids.

706
00:36:03,917 --> 00:36:05,961
Your kids are great.
Don't bring them into this.

707
00:36:05,961 --> 00:36:08,839
Oh, I know they're great, Dad.
They're my kids.

708
00:36:08,839 --> 00:36:12,259
You know, your problem is
you live this life where you get rewarded

709
00:36:12,259 --> 00:36:15,304
for indulging in your worst tendencies.

710
00:36:27,691 --> 00:36:29,276
Let's hope that was an adjustment.

711
00:36:30,694 --> 00:36:32,070
Meet you downstairs.

712
00:36:54,051 --> 00:36:56,261
Well, we should be safe in here.

713
00:37:15,489 --> 00:37:16,365
I got you, son!

714
00:37:16,365 --> 00:37:17,824
No, I got you! I'm covering you!

715
00:37:17,824 --> 00:37:19,576
- Everything's under control!
- No!

716
00:37:44,810 --> 00:37:46,353
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

717
00:37:46,353 --> 00:37:47,562
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

718
00:38:03,161 --> 00:38:05,330
- Lift!
- No! No, no! Close, close!

719
00:38:05,330 --> 00:38:07,749
-  Close the door!
- Shoot back, idiots!

720
00:38:13,505 --> 00:38:16,633
I will present the boss
with your head, Machina!

721
00:38:16,633 --> 00:38:17,718
Dad.

722
00:38:17,718 --> 00:38:19,886
I can't use that.

723
00:38:19,886 --> 00:38:22,472
After I read Mandela's biography,

724
00:38:22,472 --> 00:38:25,934
I made a vow of nonviolence.

725
00:38:25,934 --> 00:38:27,477
You are dead!

726
00:38:27,477 --> 00:38:28,687
Dead!

727
00:38:28,687 --> 00:38:30,897
Fine. I'm just gonna shoot him in the leg.

728
00:38:58,133 --> 00:38:59,468
Let's go, dickheads!

729
00:39:06,224 --> 00:39:07,768
Goddamn it. Let go.

730
00:39:07,768 --> 00:39:09,936
No! I'm glad you're alive! Let go of me!

731
00:39:09,936 --> 00:39:12,147
-  Get in the car, son.
- I'm trying, Dad!

732
00:39:26,536 --> 00:39:27,704
Sponge!

733
00:39:28,371 --> 00:39:30,123
What happened to the fucking car?

734
00:39:30,707 --> 00:39:32,042
So bad. This is not going away.

735
00:39:32,042 --> 00:39:33,376
We need to get on that train!

736
00:39:34,169 --> 00:39:35,587
I'm gonna meet the devil.

737
00:39:35,587 --> 00:39:37,255
I'm going to fucking hell.

738
00:39:37,255 --> 00:39:38,757
- Oh, shit.
-  I'm at my lake house.

739
00:39:38,757 --> 00:39:40,592
- Goddamn it.
-  The fish are jumping.

740
00:39:40,592 --> 00:39:44,429
- I'm having mac and cheese for dinner.
- Are you doing breathing exercises?

741
00:39:44,429 --> 00:39:46,556
You can't do breathing exercises
for murder, Dad.

742
00:39:46,556 --> 00:39:47,933
I killed a man.

743
00:39:47,933 --> 00:39:50,811
Well, technically, you killed several men.

744
00:39:50,811 --> 00:39:52,437
Oh, God! You're not helping!

745
00:39:52,437 --> 00:39:53,897
-  Hey.
- What?

746
00:39:54,981 --> 00:39:56,108
It happens.

747
00:39:56,108 --> 00:39:58,110
I'm not gonna start smoking cigarettes.

748
00:39:58,110 --> 00:40:01,029
No, it doesn't happen.
A speeding ticket, that happens.

749
00:40:01,029 --> 00:40:03,740
Shitting your pants at Best Buy,
that happens.

750
00:40:04,533 --> 00:40:06,451
My brother Vanya was an asshole.

751
00:40:06,451 --> 00:40:08,203
Oh!

752
00:40:08,203 --> 00:40:10,205
Brother? Like your real brother?

753
00:40:10,205 --> 00:40:12,249
Like your mom and dad
are the same mom and dad?

754
00:40:12,249 --> 00:40:13,416
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

755
00:40:13,416 --> 00:40:15,585
- I didn't know he was your brother.
- Don't be.

756
00:40:15,585 --> 00:40:17,671
There is a power struggle in the mob.

757
00:40:17,671 --> 00:40:20,382
As oldest,
I will inherit my father's empire,

758
00:40:20,382 --> 00:40:22,425
but Vanya wants control.

759
00:40:22,425 --> 00:40:23,969
Wanted control.

760
00:40:24,845 --> 00:40:27,097
- He's dead.
- Oh, my God.

761
00:40:27,097 --> 00:40:28,807
I'm still getting used to it.

762
00:40:28,807 --> 00:40:32,602
What the fuck is happening?
Get me the fuck out of here.

763
00:40:32,602 --> 00:40:35,021
Many others also want control.

764
00:40:35,021 --> 00:40:36,982
They say I cannot run mob
because I'm woman.

765
00:40:36,982 --> 00:40:38,108
This isn't happening.

766
00:40:38,108 --> 00:40:39,025
Boss.

767
00:40:41,695 --> 00:40:42,779
Dad.

768
00:40:44,406 --> 00:40:46,741
Give me some life advice,
some words of wisdom.

769
00:40:48,451 --> 00:40:50,078
Everybody's got to die sometime.

770
00:40:50,745 --> 00:40:51,746
That's it?

771
00:40:52,372 --> 00:40:53,623
That's your advice?

772
00:40:53,623 --> 00:40:55,917
Well, what do you want me to say?

773
00:40:55,917 --> 00:40:58,503
That vulnerability is scary
and it's hard to open up?

774
00:40:58,503 --> 00:41:00,839
Yeah, Dad. That would've been great.

775
00:41:00,839 --> 00:41:02,090
Son.

776
00:41:02,090 --> 00:41:04,551
It was your mother
that was the coddler, not me.

777
00:41:11,016 --> 00:41:13,143
Jesus. We got it, Sasquatch.

778
00:41:25,405 --> 00:41:26,573
Igor. Igor.

779
00:41:27,991 --> 00:41:29,159
I'm coming. I'm coming.

780
00:41:34,039 --> 00:41:34,873
Hey.

781
00:41:38,752 --> 00:41:41,296
My brother would have shot me
if he had a chance.

782
00:41:43,465 --> 00:41:46,259
Thank you for making his death very fast.

783
00:41:47,969 --> 00:41:50,096
Well, then, can I real quick
call my daughter,

784
00:41:50,096 --> 00:41:51,973
just to make sure she's okay?

785
00:41:51,973 --> 00:41:53,016
Don't push it.

786
00:42:08,531 --> 00:42:11,618
Now, this is the kind
of Russian architecture I wanted to see.

787
00:42:11,618 --> 00:42:13,578
We're not on a sightseeing tour, Dad.

788
00:42:14,913 --> 00:42:17,123
Hey, Irina,
I think this is gonna be great.

789
00:42:17,123 --> 00:42:20,001
We'll find Igor, we'll get your watch,
and then you can let us go, right?

790
00:42:20,710 --> 00:42:22,003
Holy cow.

791
00:42:22,003 --> 00:42:24,130
This place hasn't changed a bit.

792
00:42:26,341 --> 00:42:28,009
Oh. Right there.

793
00:42:28,009 --> 00:42:30,345
That's where Igor introduced me
to the train <i>banditti.</i>

794
00:42:31,054 --> 00:42:33,598
I cannot go on your student trip
to Moscow.

795
00:42:33,598 --> 00:42:34,557
- What?
- Yeah.

796
00:42:34,557 --> 00:42:36,768
Different mafia runs train.

797
00:42:36,768 --> 00:42:38,478
Igor, what am I supposed to do here?

798
00:42:39,521 --> 00:42:40,939
What you always do.

799
00:42:41,481 --> 00:42:42,941
This is Machine!

800
00:42:43,733 --> 00:42:47,028
If you give Machine vodka,
you have great time.

801
00:42:48,238 --> 00:42:50,365
Come on, show them your character.

802
00:42:50,365 --> 00:42:52,284
British horny man. Come on.

803
00:42:53,868 --> 00:42:56,538
Do I make you horny, baby?

804
00:42:58,957 --> 00:43:01,918
- Do I make you randy? Yeah.
- It's classic.

805
00:43:01,918 --> 00:43:04,671
<i>You really like</i> Austin Powers.

806
00:43:04,671 --> 00:43:07,340
Yeah. It was really big in the late '90s.
Give me a break, okay?

807
00:43:07,340 --> 00:43:08,717
I get it.

808
00:43:09,759 --> 00:43:11,386
I get why they liked you.

809
00:43:11,386 --> 00:43:12,512
Wow, thanks, Dad.

810
00:43:12,512 --> 00:43:15,932
Your toxic masculinity was lighthearted
and progressive to them.

811
00:43:15,932 --> 00:43:18,518
Yeah, well, your compliment sounds
a little bit like a slam.

812
00:43:18,518 --> 00:43:21,730
- Quiet, fucked-up father-son.
-  Boss.

813
00:43:23,940 --> 00:43:25,734
This is the Moscow line.

814
00:43:26,651 --> 00:43:29,904
If Igor runs trains,
this is where he will be.

815
00:43:30,655 --> 00:43:32,365
Be careful.

816
00:43:32,365 --> 00:43:34,242
Train mob is very dangerous.

817
00:43:34,242 --> 00:43:36,077
Don't worry. Igor's my boy.

818
00:43:36,077 --> 00:43:37,662
If he's here, we're all set.

819
00:43:37,662 --> 00:43:40,165
Yes, but he knows you.

820
00:43:40,165 --> 00:43:41,541
They don't.

821
00:43:41,541 --> 00:43:44,586
They look like they're cosplaying
<i>American History X.</i>

822
00:43:44,586 --> 00:43:46,463
Let's go down further.

823
00:43:46,463 --> 00:43:47,839
<i>Less eyes.</i>

824
00:44:02,354 --> 00:44:03,355
Hello.

825
00:44:03,855 --> 00:44:06,107
You cannot park there.

826
00:44:11,029 --> 00:44:12,739
Bring me to Igor.

827
00:44:12,739 --> 00:44:14,366
Yes, sir.

828
00:44:17,243 --> 00:44:19,579
Doesn't that sound
mean the train's departing?

829
00:44:19,579 --> 00:44:21,831
- Get on!
- Wait, what's the plan? What are we doing?

830
00:44:21,831 --> 00:44:24,250
We stay on train till we find Igor.

831
00:44:24,250 --> 00:44:27,253
Get the plane, meet me in Moscow
with the rest of the men.

832
00:44:28,546 --> 00:44:31,383
I cannot believe
I'm doing this Moscow trip over again.

833
00:44:31,383 --> 00:44:32,842
-  Move.
-  Wow.

834
00:44:32,842 --> 00:44:35,637
This train smells exactly
like it did in '98.

835
00:44:36,805 --> 00:44:38,807
THE TRAIN

836
00:44:38,807 --> 00:44:41,935
It smells like cabbage and grandmas.

837
00:44:41,935 --> 00:44:45,605
So long, Saint Petersburg! Hello, Moscow!

838
00:44:45,605 --> 00:44:46,731
Oh, sorry.

839
00:44:49,984 --> 00:44:52,654
Why does everyone here look like
they want to punch me in the face?

840
00:44:52,654 --> 00:44:54,531
It's improper to smile in Russia, Bert.

841
00:44:54,531 --> 00:44:56,074
You save it for the people you love.

842
00:44:56,908 --> 00:44:57,909
Do you?

843
00:44:58,576 --> 00:45:00,537
- Really?
- What even is that?

844
00:45:00,537 --> 00:45:03,623
So you want to stay up all night
in the bar car or...?

845
00:45:03,623 --> 00:45:07,168
I don't know how you can drink so much
and never gain any weight.

846
00:45:07,168 --> 00:45:09,129
I just have really great genes.

847
00:45:11,923 --> 00:45:14,426
Do you maybe want to hang
in my cabin instead?

848
00:45:15,385 --> 00:45:16,469
<i>I did.</i>

849
00:45:16,469 --> 00:45:18,346
<i>I definitely did.</i>

850
00:45:20,473 --> 00:45:21,975
Fucking idiot. Fuck.

851
00:45:22,767 --> 00:45:24,978
Thanks, Dad, for the dull fucking knife.

852
00:45:25,854 --> 00:45:30,650
{\an8}<i>♪ How could a person like me care for you?
Why do I bother...? ♪</i>

853
00:45:30,650 --> 00:45:32,527
Ash. Hey.

854
00:45:36,573 --> 00:45:41,411
<i>♪ No
I saw the sign... ♪</i>

855
00:45:41,411 --> 00:45:42,328
Yeah.

856
00:45:42,996 --> 00:45:44,372
Fucking ow.

857
00:45:44,372 --> 00:45:46,791
<i>♪ Without understanding... ♪</i>

858
00:45:46,791 --> 00:45:47,709
Oh, jeez.

859
00:45:49,294 --> 00:45:50,336
Way too much.

860
00:45:50,336 --> 00:45:52,213
<i>♪ I saw the sign ♪</i>

861
00:45:52,213 --> 00:45:53,298
Yeah.

862
00:45:53,298 --> 00:45:59,095
<i>♪ I saw the sign ♪</i>

863
00:46:00,054 --> 00:46:03,266
<i>♪ And it opened up my eyes
I saw the sign ♪</i>

864
00:46:03,266 --> 00:46:05,101
- Hey.
- Hey, what are you doing?

865
00:46:05,101 --> 00:46:06,895
Uh, not much.

866
00:46:06,895 --> 00:46:08,855
I don't know. It's pretty crazy in there.

867
00:46:09,564 --> 00:46:11,608
So you still want to hang out?
It's cool if not.

868
00:46:11,608 --> 00:46:13,902
You know, I'm a big fan
of romantic buildup.

869
00:46:13,902 --> 00:46:14,819
Oh, yeah?

870
00:46:14,819 --> 00:46:17,655
Yeah. Like, I don't even think Ross
and Rachel should be together yet.

871
00:46:17,655 --> 00:46:18,615
No way. Me neither.

872
00:46:18,615 --> 00:46:20,700
-  Right? Save it for the millennium.
-  Yeah.

873
00:46:20,700 --> 00:46:22,452
- I kind of think we should...
-  You.

874
00:46:24,996 --> 00:46:26,080
Hey.

875
00:46:27,916 --> 00:46:30,043
You are one they call Machine?

876
00:46:31,920 --> 00:46:33,630
Yeah, uh, that's me.

877
00:46:34,297 --> 00:46:35,256
Hm.

878
00:46:38,134 --> 00:46:40,220
<i>Fedor was the boss of the train</i> banditti.

879
00:46:40,220 --> 00:46:42,055
<i>He smelled like nicotine patches</i>

880
00:46:42,055 --> 00:46:44,849
<i>and looked at me
the way Ted Bundy looked at coeds.</i>

881
00:46:44,849 --> 00:46:46,809
<i>It was horrible.</i>

882
00:46:46,809 --> 00:46:50,146
Machine does not ride
with the peasants. Come, come.

883
00:46:52,857 --> 00:46:56,528
Uh, Ashley, I'm gonna go hang out
with these scary dudes for a little bit,

884
00:46:56,528 --> 00:46:58,905
and then I'll be right back, okay?
I'll check back in.

885
00:46:58,905 --> 00:47:01,074
FYI, I'm a good bed sharer.

886
00:47:01,074 --> 00:47:03,284
Okay? Fun to cuddle with,
no night farts...

887
00:47:03,284 --> 00:47:06,788
<i>You left that girl,
so you could hang out with a criminal?</i>

888
00:47:06,788 --> 00:47:09,457
<i>He's right. She was a sure thing.</i>

889
00:47:09,457 --> 00:47:12,835
<i>Yeah, well, I've never been good
with sure things.</i>

890
00:47:12,835 --> 00:47:14,879
<i>But Fedor took me to the bar car.</i>

891
00:47:14,879 --> 00:47:18,675
<i>This place had booze, drugs,
and here's the real gangster part.</i>

892
00:47:18,675 --> 00:47:21,010
This is the Machine.

893
00:47:23,096 --> 00:47:24,389
<i>They knew who I was.</i>

894
00:47:25,306 --> 00:47:27,058
They like you, huh?

895
00:47:27,976 --> 00:47:30,603
<i>I guarantee this is where we'll find Igor.</i>

896
00:47:32,522 --> 00:47:33,356
Wow.

897
00:47:33,356 --> 00:47:35,400
I guess nobody parties
in the bar car anymore.

898
00:47:35,400 --> 00:47:37,235
Hm. Especially Igor.

899
00:47:39,821 --> 00:47:42,240
You know, 23-year-old me loved this place.

900
00:47:42,240 --> 00:47:44,117
Now it looks like a truck-stop bathroom.

901
00:47:44,784 --> 00:47:48,413
I think your therapist would call that
"growth people notice."

902
00:47:50,248 --> 00:47:51,249
Wait.

903
00:47:52,375 --> 00:47:54,002
Did LeeAnn tell you I was in therapy?

904
00:47:56,337 --> 00:47:57,338
Well...

905
00:47:58,256 --> 00:48:00,592
when she called to invite me to the party,

906
00:48:00,592 --> 00:48:02,760
she opened up about
what you're going through.

907
00:48:02,760 --> 00:48:06,014
After Sasha's arrest,
we were both worried you'd...

908
00:48:06,514 --> 00:48:08,057
well, you know, mess up again.

909
00:48:08,057 --> 00:48:09,892
Motherfucker!

910
00:48:09,892 --> 00:48:11,269
Does no one trust me?

911
00:48:11,269 --> 00:48:13,771
Or am I the guy
that's only gonna mess up again?

912
00:48:13,771 --> 00:48:15,607
- You're making a scene.
- A scene?

913
00:48:15,607 --> 00:48:18,568
I pay my bills by making a scene!

914
00:48:18,568 --> 00:48:21,029
I rip my shirt off and yell,
"I'm the Machine!"

915
00:48:21,029 --> 00:48:22,113
Hey!

916
00:48:22,113 --> 00:48:25,617
- Who says, "I am Machine"?

917
00:48:27,243 --> 00:48:28,244
You?

918
00:48:29,162 --> 00:48:31,623
They say Machine can walk through walls.

919
00:48:32,498 --> 00:48:34,334
Only a ghost can do that.

920
00:48:35,335 --> 00:48:36,336
You...

921
00:48:37,128 --> 00:48:38,129
you are not Machine.

922
00:48:41,215 --> 00:48:43,718
You want to see the fucking Machine?
They want to see the Machine.

923
00:48:43,718 --> 00:48:46,054
- You're getting the fucking Machine.
- Hey, where you going?

924
00:48:46,054 --> 00:48:48,264
First up,
I don't normally do this for free.

925
00:48:48,264 --> 00:48:50,058
Secondly, you're dressed like dickheads.

926
00:48:50,058 --> 00:48:52,060
Matching Nazi dickheads.

927
00:48:52,060 --> 00:48:54,354
And third, you say it three times
and he shows up.

928
00:48:54,354 --> 00:48:55,647
It's a lot like Candyman.

929
00:48:56,230 --> 00:48:57,774
{\an8}You've already said it twice.

930
00:48:59,275 --> 00:49:00,276
That's me.

931
00:49:01,069 --> 00:49:04,405
That's me on this bottle of vodka
that says "The Machine."

932
00:49:04,405 --> 00:49:05,573
What are you doing?

933
00:49:05,573 --> 00:49:07,116
- Dad, sit down!
- Ah!

934
00:49:08,701 --> 00:49:10,703
I think we need to call the boss.

935
00:49:12,914 --> 00:49:14,707
- Igor.
- Igor?

936
00:49:14,707 --> 00:49:16,959
This guy says he's the Machine.

937
00:49:17,627 --> 00:49:19,379
Igor, it's your boy Bert.

938
00:49:19,379 --> 00:49:21,923
You better have my watch, bitch.
Finish it up.

939
00:49:22,632 --> 00:49:25,468
He looks like the cartoon
on the vodka bottle.

940
00:49:25,843 --> 00:49:29,222
Only fatter. Yeah, with big titties.

941
00:49:30,139 --> 00:49:34,018
Someone is with him.
Volgovitch's daughter.

942
00:49:35,520 --> 00:49:37,605
Go to VIP car.

943
00:49:42,360 --> 00:49:45,822
Igor want to see you.
He will come to the bar car soon.

944
00:49:50,076 --> 00:49:53,996
But before that,
it would be an honor to party with you...

945
00:49:54,831 --> 00:49:55,832
Machine.

946
00:50:00,420 --> 00:50:01,713
<i>Strasvutsia,</i> bitches.

947
00:50:02,422 --> 00:50:03,256
Let's do it.

948
00:50:07,260 --> 00:50:09,929
You do drink like Russian.

949
00:50:12,890 --> 00:50:15,977
- Alcohol is the universal language.
-  Yes.

950
00:50:15,977 --> 00:50:18,146
We're all drunk on the inside.

951
00:50:20,732 --> 00:50:24,402
So when do we meet the real Machine, huh?

952
00:50:25,570 --> 00:50:26,863
All right, listen up.

953
00:50:27,530 --> 00:50:29,365
<i>♪ I did it all for the nookie ♪</i>

954
00:50:29,365 --> 00:50:30,283
<i>♪ Come on ♪</i>

955
00:50:30,283 --> 00:50:31,409
<i>- ♪ The nookie ♪
- ♪ Come on ♪</i>

956
00:50:31,409 --> 00:50:32,827
<i>♪ So you can take that cookie ♪</i>

957
00:50:32,827 --> 00:50:35,997
<i>♪ And stick it up your asshole
Stick it up your asshole ♪</i>

958
00:50:35,997 --> 00:50:37,373
<i>♪ Stick it up your asshole... ♪</i>

959
00:50:37,373 --> 00:50:40,126
Hey! Hey, excuse me!

960
00:50:40,126 --> 00:50:42,044
Yo, teach. Hey, check it out.

961
00:50:42,044 --> 00:50:44,881
I'm culturally bonding
with the indigenous citizens.

962
00:50:44,881 --> 00:50:48,885
Get your ass back to your cabin now!

963
00:50:49,802 --> 00:50:51,429
<i>♪ I did it all for the nookie ♪</i>

964
00:50:51,429 --> 00:50:53,264
<i>- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ The nookie ♪</i>

965
00:50:53,264 --> 00:50:55,183
<i>- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ So you can take that cookie... ♪</i>

966
00:50:57,185 --> 00:50:59,395
Fuck that bitch!

967
00:50:59,395 --> 00:51:00,897
This is...

968
00:51:00,897 --> 00:51:03,274
Russia!

969
00:51:03,274 --> 00:51:06,360
<i>Dad, you said I had to go
to Russia to find myself.</i>

970
00:51:06,360 --> 00:51:07,487
<i>Well, I did.</i>

971
00:51:07,487 --> 00:51:10,907
- I'm king of the world!

972
00:51:11,532 --> 00:51:13,034
<i>That's how I felt.</i>

973
00:51:13,034 --> 00:51:14,619
<i>I was king of the world.</i>

974
00:51:15,286 --> 00:51:16,162
Titanic?

975
00:51:16,162 --> 00:51:17,330
<i>Yeah, yeah, yeah.</i>

976
00:51:17,330 --> 00:51:19,707
I was stealing wholesale
from A-list movies,

977
00:51:19,707 --> 00:51:20,917
but it worked.

978
00:51:20,917 --> 00:51:22,543
Let me tell you something.

979
00:51:22,543 --> 00:51:26,464
Entertaining criminals
and sex workers was amazing.

980
00:51:26,464 --> 00:51:28,341
Maybe that's why I do so well
in Florida, huh?

981
00:51:29,634 --> 00:51:30,968
They don't even get it.

982
00:51:33,137 --> 00:51:35,014
Tell us more stories, Machine.

983
00:51:35,014 --> 00:51:37,058
The bar car was a blast.

984
00:51:37,058 --> 00:51:39,393
But it's also where shit got real.

985
00:51:39,393 --> 00:51:41,187
Uh, what do you want, Fedor?

986
00:51:42,647 --> 00:51:44,982
Bread. Okay, cool. Wait.

987
00:51:45,858 --> 00:51:47,652
- I knew you said "bread."
-  Yes.

988
00:51:47,652 --> 00:51:49,529
I'm picking up the language.
Give me another one, come on.

989
00:51:50,738 --> 00:51:51,864
Cheese.

990
00:51:51,864 --> 00:51:53,616
I'm basically fluent.

991
00:51:57,203 --> 00:51:58,830
Uh... money. Got it.

992
00:51:58,830 --> 00:52:00,248
Cool. Um...

993
00:52:01,374 --> 00:52:03,459
Oh, no, are we robbing this guy?

994
00:52:04,377 --> 00:52:05,545
Yeah, I don't...

995
00:52:05,545 --> 00:52:07,505
I don't really want to rob anyone.

996
00:52:07,505 --> 00:52:09,340
Yes, you do.

997
00:52:11,259 --> 00:52:13,386
Do it. Pussy.

998
00:52:15,054 --> 00:52:18,891
First him, then train.

999
00:52:18,891 --> 00:52:20,685
So that's what we did.

1000
00:52:20,685 --> 00:52:22,061
- We robbed the train.
-  Yeah.

1001
00:52:27,400 --> 00:52:29,277
<i>I was terrified.</i>

1002
00:52:30,444 --> 00:52:32,113
<i>They were practically giddy.</i>

1003
00:52:34,907 --> 00:52:38,953
<i>♪ This is our
"Music from A Bachelor's Den"... ♪</i>

1004
00:52:40,538 --> 00:52:41,622
Let's go.

1005
00:52:42,874 --> 00:52:44,542
<i>Fedor kept feeding me booze.</i>

1006
00:52:44,542 --> 00:52:48,254
Now you drink vodka.

1007
00:52:49,714 --> 00:52:51,340
Let's go. Drink.

1008
00:52:52,550 --> 00:52:53,551
That's it.

1009
00:52:56,178 --> 00:52:58,723
<i>I was completely out of control.</i>

1010
00:52:58,723 --> 00:53:01,475
<i>I mean, the rush of it.
Turned into a thrill.</i>

1011
00:53:01,475 --> 00:53:02,602
This is my room.

1012
00:53:03,352 --> 00:53:06,939
I was robbing the train
with the Russian mafia.

1013
00:53:06,939 --> 00:53:08,566
And I wasn't dying.

1014
00:53:08,566 --> 00:53:11,444
That's all my-- That's all my stuff.

1015
00:53:11,444 --> 00:53:13,779
Wait, wait, wait.
You're actually taking my stuff?

1016
00:53:14,572 --> 00:53:17,992
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's my dad's, uh, knife.

1017
00:53:17,992 --> 00:53:19,493
You can't take that.

1018
00:53:19,493 --> 00:53:20,953
No, no, no.

1019
00:53:20,953 --> 00:53:23,915
You can take the other stuff.
But the knife?

1020
00:53:24,457 --> 00:53:26,042
- That's my dad's.
-  Really?

1021
00:53:26,042 --> 00:53:27,460
No go.

1022
00:53:27,460 --> 00:53:29,587
I can't take, huh?

1023
00:53:30,588 --> 00:53:31,964
I'm sorry, Dad.

1024
00:53:33,090 --> 00:53:34,258
I let him steal it.

1025
00:53:34,258 --> 00:53:35,676
<i>It's all yours.</i>

1026
00:53:40,556 --> 00:53:42,266
Machine.

1027
00:53:42,975 --> 00:53:43,809
Wow.

1028
00:53:44,435 --> 00:53:46,103
I would've cut out his heart

1029
00:53:46,103 --> 00:53:49,065
and make him watch it stop beating
with his last breath.

1030
00:53:50,608 --> 00:53:52,610
I guess we're just built different.

1031
00:53:52,610 --> 00:53:53,694
The watch.

1032
00:53:55,279 --> 00:53:56,906
<i>Once I got really drunk...</i>

1033
00:53:58,908 --> 00:54:00,284
<i>I robbed my class.</i>

1034
00:54:01,410 --> 00:54:02,870
<i>I robbed my whole class.</i>

1035
00:54:03,704 --> 00:54:05,373
What the hell? Get out.

1036
00:54:07,708 --> 00:54:10,461
Fuck that bitch. This is Russia.

1037
00:54:15,257 --> 00:54:16,384
Ash.

1038
00:54:16,384 --> 00:54:17,510
I'm...

1039
00:54:17,510 --> 00:54:20,888
Whoa! Woman hit man?

1040
00:54:20,888 --> 00:54:23,099
That is new.

1041
00:54:23,099 --> 00:54:26,978
I felt like a complete
and total piece of shit.

1042
00:54:27,895 --> 00:54:31,273
Give it. Fast, fast. Give me ring.

1043
00:54:31,983 --> 00:54:34,735
Let's go.

1044
00:54:36,862 --> 00:54:39,198
- Okay?
- That's it.

1045
00:54:39,198 --> 00:54:40,574
- Good boy.
- Okay.

1046
00:54:45,496 --> 00:54:46,831
I'll get it back.

1047
00:54:47,331 --> 00:54:48,499
I promise.

1048
00:54:50,167 --> 00:54:51,210
I'm sorry, Ash.

1049
00:54:51,752 --> 00:54:52,670
Yeah, fuck you.

1050
00:54:55,381 --> 00:54:57,258
Machine is the man.

1051
00:54:57,258 --> 00:55:01,345
Hey. Machine.
Igor need us in front of train.

1052
00:55:01,345 --> 00:55:03,347
You wait here. We come back with him.

1053
00:55:03,347 --> 00:55:04,515
Machine!

1054
00:55:05,349 --> 00:55:08,644
Enough of this pussy shit!

1055
00:55:09,437 --> 00:55:11,772
Do you talk about that part with...?

1056
00:55:12,815 --> 00:55:14,817
With Ashley when you do your show?

1057
00:55:14,817 --> 00:55:16,235
Obviously not, Dad.

1058
00:55:19,488 --> 00:55:21,323
<i>But I think about it sometimes.</i>

1059
00:55:21,907 --> 00:55:24,910
I think I liked that story better
when I thought it was a lie.

1060
00:55:30,583 --> 00:55:34,128
And then what? Story of you being
stupid idiot asshole is sad,

1061
00:55:34,128 --> 00:55:37,548
but you need to remember my watch.

1062
00:55:45,556 --> 00:55:47,058
Oh!

1063
00:55:49,852 --> 00:55:51,062
I remember.

1064
00:55:51,562 --> 00:55:53,814
There was one last private cabin.

1065
00:55:58,152 --> 00:56:02,490
{\an8} Please don't.
It's a family heirloom.

1066
00:56:02,490 --> 00:56:04,700
Fuck your heirloom.

1067
00:56:05,451 --> 00:56:06,452
Do it.

1068
00:56:08,996 --> 00:56:09,997
Sorry.

1069
00:56:38,859 --> 00:56:40,569
That was the watch.

1070
00:56:43,656 --> 00:56:45,449
My father was no criminal.

1071
00:56:47,243 --> 00:56:48,702
He was a salesman.

1072
00:56:50,246 --> 00:56:53,833
And then you stole
the only thing he ever cared about.

1073
00:56:54,708 --> 00:56:57,253
He called police,
but no one would help him.

1074
00:56:57,962 --> 00:57:00,381
It made him say, "Fuck honest living!

1075
00:57:00,381 --> 00:57:03,300
If you want respect, you have to take it."

1076
00:57:04,385 --> 00:57:07,972
And from there, he built our family.

1077
00:57:12,143 --> 00:57:13,310
Oh, my God.

1078
00:57:14,603 --> 00:57:16,564
I'm your origin story.

1079
00:57:17,231 --> 00:57:19,024
Most people see themselves as Batman...

1080
00:57:20,568 --> 00:57:22,653
not the guy who killed Batman's parents.

1081
00:57:22,653 --> 00:57:25,281
What did you do
with the watch after that?

1082
00:57:25,281 --> 00:57:27,408
We went back to the bar car.

1083
00:57:27,408 --> 00:57:29,827
Fedor went through all the stuff
that we stole.

1084
00:57:36,292 --> 00:57:38,210
- Ugh...

1085
00:57:38,210 --> 00:57:40,838
I hate this song.

1086
00:57:43,382 --> 00:57:45,467
Listen, in Russia,

1087
00:57:46,385 --> 00:57:50,472
we always give gifts to a new friend.

1088
00:57:51,098 --> 00:57:52,349
Take, Machine.

1089
00:57:54,268 --> 00:57:55,936
He gave you the watch?

1090
00:57:57,104 --> 00:58:00,024
- Where is it, Bert? I need to know.
-  I don't know.

1091
00:58:00,024 --> 00:58:01,066
Machine.

1092
00:58:02,401 --> 00:58:04,028
Igor is here.

1093
00:58:06,030 --> 00:58:10,242
Igor, I present to you the Machine.

1094
00:58:15,497 --> 00:58:18,209
Your friend has aged even worse than you.

1095
00:58:19,418 --> 00:58:21,545
My men say:

1096
00:58:22,171 --> 00:58:26,634
"Come to meet famous Machine
from a vodka bottle."

1097
00:58:26,634 --> 00:58:28,385
I say, "Why not?

1098
00:58:28,385 --> 00:58:29,929
You can take selfie."

1099
00:58:31,263 --> 00:58:33,057
But you're not famous.

1100
00:58:35,559 --> 00:58:37,269
You have tits.

1101
00:58:38,312 --> 00:58:39,855
Yeah, we've established that.

1102
00:58:39,855 --> 00:58:42,316
I don't know this guy. This isn't Igor.

1103
00:58:42,316 --> 00:58:43,609
Who are you?

1104
00:58:43,609 --> 00:58:46,445
I knew old Igor. My name is also Igor.

1105
00:58:47,238 --> 00:58:49,990
I took train from him, make him disappear.

1106
00:58:51,242 --> 00:58:52,409
My train now.

1107
00:58:53,035 --> 00:58:54,620
Wait, Igor's dead?

1108
00:58:55,162 --> 00:58:55,996
Yeah.

1109
00:58:56,497 --> 00:58:58,832
- And you're gonna die also.
-  Enough.

1110
00:59:00,334 --> 00:59:02,878
I'm Irina Ivanona Volgina.

1111
00:59:03,587 --> 00:59:05,381
You know who my father is.

1112
00:59:06,006 --> 00:59:08,926
These two dipshits belong to me.

1113
00:59:08,926 --> 00:59:12,805
Now go, if you want to live
to see your children again.

1114
00:59:14,556 --> 00:59:15,683
Stupid bitch.

1115
00:59:16,517 --> 00:59:18,269
You think I didn't ask for permission?

1116
00:59:18,936 --> 00:59:20,145
Permission?

1117
00:59:27,987 --> 00:59:29,405
All right!

1118
00:59:30,406 --> 00:59:31,740
Listen up.

1119
00:59:32,366 --> 00:59:34,326
- Never show fear, right?
- Yeah.

1120
00:59:34,326 --> 00:59:35,244
Now, look.

1121
00:59:35,786 --> 00:59:37,496
Wait, that's the knife you gave me.

1122
00:59:37,496 --> 00:59:39,957
No. I gave you one just like it.

1123
00:59:39,957 --> 00:59:41,917
I knew you couldn't be trusted
with the original.

1124
00:59:41,917 --> 00:59:43,794
- I'm not an idiot.
- Oh, my God.

1125
00:59:43,794 --> 00:59:45,838
You heard me pining about that knife.

1126
00:59:45,838 --> 00:59:48,799
You knew I felt guilty for losing it
for like 25 years!

1127
00:59:48,799 --> 00:59:49,967
That's enough.

1128
00:59:50,551 --> 00:59:52,177
Dad, stab this bald fucker.

1129
00:59:52,177 --> 00:59:53,554
I'm sorry, son.

1130
00:59:54,138 --> 00:59:55,472
- But...
-  I can't breathe.

1131
00:59:55,472 --> 00:59:59,852
...I swore I would never use
a weapon for violence.

1132
01:00:09,737 --> 01:00:10,571
Hello.

1133
01:00:13,657 --> 01:00:14,825
Whoa!

1134
01:00:15,659 --> 01:00:16,785
Oh, my God.

1135
01:00:17,578 --> 01:00:18,954
She cut his throat, Dad.

1136
01:00:18,954 --> 01:00:20,956
Oh, no, don't touch it. It's bad.

1137
01:00:20,956 --> 01:00:22,541
Oh, why is he touching it?

1138
01:00:22,541 --> 01:00:24,710
Oh, no. Why are you smiling?

1139
01:00:25,627 --> 01:00:27,046
Stop. Stop right there. Stop.

1140
01:00:27,046 --> 01:00:29,465
What am I supposed to do, Dad?
What am I supposed to do?

1141
01:00:29,465 --> 01:00:30,549
Hit him, son.

1142
01:00:35,137 --> 01:00:36,847
Oh, my God, Dad, I'm inside him!

1143
01:00:36,847 --> 01:00:39,641
- Oh, my God!

1144
01:00:40,726 --> 01:00:43,354
Let go of my arm! I'll try to get it out!

1145
01:00:43,354 --> 01:00:45,064
He's so warm!

1146
01:00:45,064 --> 01:00:47,608
No, no, no, no, no! God!

1147
01:00:52,279 --> 01:00:54,406
God! Help me let go!

1148
01:00:54,406 --> 01:00:56,241
God! You're, like, fisting his neck.

1149
01:00:56,241 --> 01:00:57,451
Help me!

1150
01:00:57,451 --> 01:00:59,286
Son of a bitch! God!

1151
01:00:59,286 --> 01:01:01,914
It's like a pickle jar.
Just let go of the pickle.

1152
01:01:01,914 --> 01:01:04,750
Damn it, Dad.
It's nothing like a pickle jar!

1153
01:01:04,750 --> 01:01:05,834
Oh, shit!

1154
01:01:05,834 --> 01:01:07,544
- Incoming!

1155
01:01:07,544 --> 01:01:10,089
Pull, pull, pull, pull,
pull, pull, pull, pull!

1156
01:01:15,719 --> 01:01:16,804
Oh, my God!

1157
01:01:16,804 --> 01:01:18,639
Get it off! Get it off me!

1158
01:01:18,639 --> 01:01:20,015
Get it off me!

1159
01:01:20,015 --> 01:01:21,892
No, not that way! The other way!

1160
01:01:25,646 --> 01:01:29,066
Hey, were you saying "pull" or "pole"?

1161
01:01:29,066 --> 01:01:31,568
Does it really fucking matter, Dad?!

1162
01:01:32,236 --> 01:01:34,238
Why did he say
he had permission to kill us?

1163
01:01:36,031 --> 01:01:38,283
I know where we can find out.

1164
01:01:42,121 --> 01:01:44,873
Uh, hello.
Can I have your attention, please?

1165
01:01:45,457 --> 01:01:49,044
We're here looking
for whoever sent that large, bald man

1166
01:01:49,044 --> 01:01:51,046
to kill me and my son.

1167
01:01:51,046 --> 01:01:52,339
Dad. Hey, Dad.

1168
01:01:53,006 --> 01:01:53,841
Dad.

1169
01:01:53,841 --> 01:01:55,801
Maybe ease up on the Russian mafia, okay?

1170
01:02:04,977 --> 01:02:07,187
-  Alexei.
- Hm. It is so nice to see you, sister.

1171
01:02:07,187 --> 01:02:08,105
ALEXEI

1172
01:02:08,105 --> 01:02:10,566
- You have another brother?
-  Mm.

1173
01:02:10,566 --> 01:02:13,235
<i>Da.</i> Three of us. Now two.

1174
01:02:13,235 --> 01:02:14,903
But thank you for killing him.

1175
01:02:15,904 --> 01:02:17,739
He was pain in ass.

1176
01:02:19,032 --> 01:02:20,492
And very stupid.

1177
01:02:21,910 --> 01:02:23,912
You have the meanest family of all time.

1178
01:02:23,912 --> 01:02:26,582
Kind of you to say, Machine.

1179
01:02:27,291 --> 01:02:30,502
I can't agree with your methods
or your business model,

1180
01:02:30,502 --> 01:02:32,838
but it warms my heart to see a son

1181
01:02:32,838 --> 01:02:35,466
willing to take on his father's legacy.

1182
01:02:35,466 --> 01:02:38,469
Albert, Machine's father.

1183
01:02:40,637 --> 01:02:41,889
Oh, sister.

1184
01:02:41,889 --> 01:02:44,766
I intend to bring our father
the watch Machine stole.

1185
01:02:44,766 --> 01:02:46,101
It is over.

1186
01:02:47,186 --> 01:02:48,353
Give me Machine.

1187
01:02:48,353 --> 01:02:50,314
Machine leads me to watch.

1188
01:02:50,314 --> 01:02:51,773
I win.

1189
01:02:51,773 --> 01:02:53,817
All right. You win.

1190
01:02:53,817 --> 01:02:55,194
You get the watch.

1191
01:02:57,029 --> 01:02:58,238
It is here?

1192
01:02:58,238 --> 01:03:00,073
Oh, yeah. It is here.

1193
01:03:01,283 --> 01:03:02,159
In this room.

1194
01:03:03,994 --> 01:03:06,872
We don't have it. We came to collect it.

1195
01:03:10,042 --> 01:03:10,918
From him.

1196
01:03:11,460 --> 01:03:12,586
Keyser Söze.

1197
01:03:13,837 --> 01:03:15,422
Keyser Söze?

1198
01:03:15,422 --> 01:03:18,133
Yeah, he has it. Go ahead, give it to him.

1199
01:03:18,133 --> 01:03:20,052
Who the fuck is Keyser Soze?

1200
01:03:20,052 --> 01:03:22,221
-  Yep, it's his now.

1201
01:03:22,221 --> 01:03:24,848
- I'm out of the equation.

1202
01:03:34,191 --> 01:03:35,526
Where are we going?

1203
01:03:35,526 --> 01:03:36,944
You're gonna get us all killed!

1204
01:03:36,944 --> 01:03:38,278
Shut up and run.

1205
01:03:40,280 --> 01:03:41,323
There we go.

1206
01:03:52,459 --> 01:03:53,460
Fuck!

1207
01:03:56,213 --> 01:03:59,675
Tsk, tsk, tsk. You make me chase you.

1208
01:04:02,594 --> 01:04:03,804
Not nice.

1209
01:04:06,056 --> 01:04:08,016
You think you're so cool.

1210
01:04:08,809 --> 01:04:12,062
Sister, do you really think
you'd take over family?

1211
01:04:14,314 --> 01:04:15,315
Why?

1212
01:04:16,775 --> 01:04:18,610
I'm strong. I'm smart.

1213
01:04:18,610 --> 01:04:20,571
Please. You are a woman.

1214
01:04:22,739 --> 01:04:24,324
The world is changing.

1215
01:04:25,158 --> 01:04:26,660
Even for our family.

1216
01:04:26,660 --> 01:04:30,497
Father and I,
we laugh about your delusions.

1217
01:04:33,709 --> 01:04:37,004
You and Father always underestimate me.

1218
01:04:38,714 --> 01:04:39,798
But you know what?

1219
01:04:41,466 --> 01:04:43,719
I deserve to be treated as an equal.

1220
01:04:44,678 --> 01:04:45,679
Agreed.

1221
01:04:52,561 --> 01:04:53,562
Huh.

1222
01:05:04,948 --> 01:05:06,366
-  Hey.
- Jesus.

1223
01:05:06,366 --> 01:05:08,243
I like this feminism thing.

1224
01:05:09,411 --> 01:05:12,748
And if you don't want me
to kill your father next,

1225
01:05:13,290 --> 01:05:15,125
you will take me to the watch.

1226
01:05:15,125 --> 01:05:18,170
All right. Stop, stop, stop, stop.
I'm gonna do whatever you want.

1227
01:05:18,170 --> 01:05:20,380
Don't hurt my father, okay?
Give me a second.

1228
01:05:20,380 --> 01:05:22,424
Dad. Dad, Dad, Dad.
Listen to me. Listen to me.

1229
01:05:22,424 --> 01:05:23,842
We're gonna be fine.
We're gonna be a team.

1230
01:05:23,842 --> 01:05:25,385
Dad, listen to me right now, okay?

1231
01:05:25,385 --> 01:05:27,971
<i>Butch Cassidy and Sundance.</i>
End of the movie, Dad.

1232
01:05:27,971 --> 01:05:30,515
- Waterfall. We're gonna waterfall.
- Enough.

1233
01:05:32,976 --> 01:05:35,062
This is for your own good.

1234
01:05:41,985 --> 01:05:46,073
Dad!

1235
01:05:56,958 --> 01:06:00,045
My son is a moron.
You were wasting your time.

1236
01:06:00,045 --> 01:06:01,672
I'll help find your watch.

1237
01:06:02,297 --> 01:06:06,343
But only if you promise
to keep my granddaughter safe.

1238
01:06:12,641 --> 01:06:15,477
You are a very good father.

1239
01:06:27,406 --> 01:06:28,740
<i>A cop pulled us over.</i>

1240
01:06:28,740 --> 01:06:30,367
<i>Dad, there's a cop.</i>

1241
01:06:30,367 --> 01:06:33,370
<i>Officer, no,
I don't have a driver's license.</i>

1242
01:06:33,370 --> 01:06:35,455
<i>My dad's in the backseat.</i>

1243
01:06:35,455 --> 01:06:38,125
<i>Dad, stop. Shit, Dad.</i>

1244
01:06:38,125 --> 01:06:39,292
<i>Dad, wake up.</i>

1245
01:06:43,338 --> 01:06:46,133
Oh, God.

1246
01:06:51,054 --> 01:06:52,389
Oh, shit.

1247
01:06:53,807 --> 01:06:55,851
Ow!

1248
01:06:55,851 --> 01:06:58,019
Son of a bitch.

1249
01:07:07,362 --> 01:07:09,948
Hello?

1250
01:07:09,948 --> 01:07:11,199
Fucking Dad.

1251
01:07:12,451 --> 01:07:13,452
I'm tired.

1252
01:07:14,661 --> 01:07:17,330
I'm sore. I'm hungry.

1253
01:07:18,206 --> 01:07:19,207
I'm hungry.

1254
01:07:25,964 --> 01:07:27,215
Thank you, Ash.

1255
01:07:51,865 --> 01:07:52,949
Wait.

1256
01:07:53,784 --> 01:07:54,618
Hey.

1257
01:07:54,618 --> 01:07:55,952
Is my daughter okay?

1258
01:07:56,578 --> 01:07:57,412
No.

1259
01:07:59,956 --> 01:08:02,250
<i>My son is a moron.</i>

1260
01:08:04,294 --> 01:08:05,921
Hey, what's up, sleepyhead?

1261
01:08:06,463 --> 01:08:08,882
- What's this thing?
- It's a mace.

1262
01:08:09,633 --> 01:08:10,926
The fuck are you doing here?

1263
01:08:10,926 --> 01:08:13,178
Oh, I'm not here. You're just really high.

1264
01:08:16,181 --> 01:08:17,641
I am really high.

1265
01:08:22,270 --> 01:08:24,731
God, I came to Russia to become a man.

1266
01:08:24,731 --> 01:08:26,817
All I became was an asshole criminal.

1267
01:08:26,817 --> 01:08:29,903
Yeah. You're gonna hang on to that
for a while.

1268
01:08:29,903 --> 01:08:32,113
A lot of it,
all the shit that happened on the train.

1269
01:08:32,739 --> 01:08:35,784
But, hey, that shirtless idiot thing?

1270
01:08:36,243 --> 01:08:38,245
It pays off bigtime.

1271
01:08:38,245 --> 01:08:39,412
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

1272
01:08:39,412 --> 01:08:41,122
- Yeah?
- Oh, dude.

1273
01:08:41,122 --> 01:08:44,251
This trip to Russia sets you on a path.

1274
01:08:44,835 --> 01:08:46,962
You, my friend,
are great at making people laugh.

1275
01:08:46,962 --> 01:08:48,088
Thanks, man.

1276
01:08:48,088 --> 01:08:49,172
Yeah.

1277
01:08:49,673 --> 01:08:51,591
- I am gonna be okay.
- Yeah.

1278
01:08:52,259 --> 01:08:54,010
And then your wife's
gonna put you in therapy.

1279
01:08:54,010 --> 01:08:55,095
Whoa.

1280
01:08:55,095 --> 01:08:56,888
- We're married?
- Oh, yeah.

1281
01:08:56,888 --> 01:08:58,265
Is she hot?

1282
01:08:58,265 --> 01:08:59,975
- I mean, yeah.
- Wait, what do you mean?

1283
01:08:59,975 --> 01:09:03,228
I mean, I think she's hot.
I think she's hot. I mean, she's 50.

1284
01:09:05,647 --> 01:09:07,691
You married a 50-year-old?

1285
01:09:08,275 --> 01:09:10,902
Dude, what the fuck?
I thought you said we were gonna be okay.

1286
01:09:10,902 --> 01:09:12,404
No, I forgot how dumb I am.

1287
01:09:12,404 --> 01:09:13,822
We married her when she was 30.

1288
01:09:13,822 --> 01:09:16,616
She was-- She still is a smoke show.
She's hot as shit, okay?

1289
01:09:16,616 --> 01:09:18,577
- Okay.
- Don't make me defend our wife.

1290
01:09:19,494 --> 01:09:20,579
She's a great mom.

1291
01:09:20,579 --> 01:09:21,705
Whoa.

1292
01:09:21,705 --> 01:09:22,622
We got kids?

1293
01:09:22,622 --> 01:09:23,707
- Yeah.
- Boys?

1294
01:09:23,707 --> 01:09:25,375
- Mm...
- Ah, I knew we'd have boys.

1295
01:09:25,375 --> 01:09:26,793
I always wanted to have boys.

1296
01:09:26,793 --> 01:09:28,211
Look at us.

1297
01:09:28,211 --> 01:09:31,882
Both of us just figuring ourselves out.

1298
01:09:32,757 --> 01:09:33,633
Ah.

1299
01:09:33,633 --> 01:09:35,176
Well, I am.

1300
01:09:35,802 --> 01:09:37,345
You're still pretty lost.

1301
01:09:37,345 --> 01:09:40,056
I mean, you're literally lost in a forest.

1302
01:09:40,056 --> 01:09:41,474
High on a pot brownie.

1303
01:09:41,474 --> 01:09:44,019
'Cause your dad kicked you off a train.

1304
01:09:44,019 --> 01:09:45,353
Because he hates you.

1305
01:09:45,353 --> 01:09:48,565
Because you can't save your own daughter,
who hates you.

1306
01:09:48,565 --> 01:09:51,651
Now your wife's gonna hate you.
Your whole family pretty much hates you.

1307
01:09:51,651 --> 01:09:52,986
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

1308
01:09:52,986 --> 01:09:55,405
I know this. I know this.
Why are you doing this to me?

1309
01:09:55,405 --> 01:09:58,074
'Cause I'm trying to save you.
You're about to get shot.

1310
01:09:59,618 --> 01:10:00,452
How so?

1311
01:10:00,452 --> 01:10:03,955
You're about to get shot.

1312
01:10:03,955 --> 01:10:06,041
Meaning what?

1313
01:10:06,041 --> 01:10:07,792
You're under fire.

1314
01:10:21,389 --> 01:10:22,849
Fuck! God!

1315
01:10:23,683 --> 01:10:24,851
Oh, my God!

1316
01:10:26,269 --> 01:10:27,270
Fuck.

1317
01:10:46,623 --> 01:10:47,707
Bert?

1318
01:10:48,541 --> 01:10:49,542
Igor?

1319
01:10:53,713 --> 01:10:55,757
- Bert.
- Igor!

1320
01:10:56,675 --> 01:10:58,593
- Machina!
- Igor!

1321
01:10:58,593 --> 01:11:01,513
You look like a big bear. I mean, what?

1322
01:11:01,513 --> 01:11:02,973
- Oh!

1323
01:11:02,973 --> 01:11:05,809
- God.
- My friend, you are here.

1324
01:11:05,809 --> 01:11:09,437
I can't believe you're alive.
Oh, shit. It's good to see you.

1325
01:11:13,817 --> 01:11:15,193
Do you have any snacks?

1326
01:11:18,738 --> 01:11:20,824
This is my home.

1327
01:11:20,824 --> 01:11:21,992
For years now.

1328
01:11:21,992 --> 01:11:24,953
- Nice. It's kind of like West Virginia.
- Yeah. West Vagina.

1329
01:11:24,953 --> 01:11:27,998
Igor! Deuces.

1330
01:11:27,998 --> 01:11:29,624
That's uncircumcised.

1331
01:11:32,168 --> 01:11:33,837
- You almost hit that guy, Igor.
- Yeah.

1332
01:11:35,422 --> 01:11:36,756
It's a tradition here.

1333
01:11:37,382 --> 01:11:38,675
Ah, look at this.

1334
01:11:39,300 --> 01:11:40,343
This is it.

1335
01:11:40,343 --> 01:11:41,261
IGOR'S VILLAGE

1336
01:11:41,261 --> 01:11:42,595
-  This is your house?
-  Yeah.

1337
01:11:48,143 --> 01:11:49,686
Holy shit.

1338
01:11:49,686 --> 01:11:52,772
Oh! Wait, are these all your kids?

1339
01:11:52,772 --> 01:11:55,525
Yeah, this is most of my kids.

1340
01:11:55,525 --> 01:11:58,820
- Oh, my God.

1341
01:11:59,529 --> 01:12:01,239
Jesus, you know you can pull out, right?

1342
01:12:01,239 --> 01:12:04,325
Yes, but my dick
is little bit longer, so I'm like:

1343
01:12:04,325 --> 01:12:06,578
- Oh, like a magician.
- Magician!

1344
01:12:06,578 --> 01:12:08,413
- With the scarves!
- Yeah.

1345
01:12:08,413 --> 01:12:09,873
- Hey.
- I missed you.

1346
01:12:14,711 --> 01:12:15,670
...Machina!

1347
01:12:15,670 --> 01:12:17,630
Hey! Yeah!

1348
01:12:17,630 --> 01:12:19,215
- Oh, Machina!
- Yeah!

1349
01:12:25,680 --> 01:12:26,514
Huh?

1350
01:12:28,099 --> 01:12:28,933
Igor.

1351
01:12:28,933 --> 01:12:30,477
Igor, Igor.

1352
01:12:33,772 --> 01:12:36,900
My wife, she's a big fan of you, Machine.

1353
01:12:36,900 --> 01:12:38,443
- Oh!
- Many in village are.

1354
01:12:38,443 --> 01:12:40,195
They listen to your podcast.

1355
01:12:40,195 --> 01:12:42,113
Why no new episodes?

1356
01:12:42,113 --> 01:12:44,032
Igor, have you killed the bear?

1357
01:12:44,032 --> 01:12:49,537
Not yet, but this is better!
I find friend, Machine. Real one!

1358
01:12:50,622 --> 01:12:53,792
Blessed day for our village!

1359
01:12:53,792 --> 01:12:59,047
First you find Machine,
Then I find whore!

1360
01:12:59,047 --> 01:13:00,924
-  She find whore.
- What?

1361
01:13:10,266 --> 01:13:13,144
- Holy shit! Irina! You're alive!

1362
01:13:13,144 --> 01:13:15,313
How the fuck are you still alive?

1363
01:13:15,313 --> 01:13:17,732
Goddamn it. Oh, my God!

1364
01:13:18,274 --> 01:13:20,360
Would you like to buy her for the fucking?

1365
01:13:20,360 --> 01:13:21,861
I don't know.

1366
01:13:21,861 --> 01:13:23,947
What do you think? How much?

1367
01:13:23,947 --> 01:13:25,698
More than you have.

1368
01:13:26,407 --> 01:13:27,700
I don't know, maybe--

1369
01:13:27,700 --> 01:13:29,911
Oh, my God! What happened to your leg?

1370
01:13:29,911 --> 01:13:31,204
Oh, that looks bad.

1371
01:13:31,204 --> 01:13:33,081
Here, tell me if you feel this.

1372
01:13:33,081 --> 01:13:34,499
- Oh!

1373
01:13:34,499 --> 01:13:36,709
Igor! Help! I know this whore!

1374
01:13:36,709 --> 01:13:38,086
Let's get her in your house!

1375
01:13:38,086 --> 01:13:40,755
- Here.
- Igor, do you have any hydrogen peroxide?

1376
01:13:40,755 --> 01:13:44,134
Uh... no,
but we have many kind of animal spit.

1377
01:13:44,134 --> 01:13:45,802
- Okay, well, here you go.
- Fuck!

1378
01:13:45,802 --> 01:13:47,804
Okay, you're fine. No, no, no. We're good.

1379
01:13:47,804 --> 01:13:50,181
- Fuck!
- Just get me something to dress it with.

1380
01:13:50,181 --> 01:13:53,434
- I gotta get this boot off.

1381
01:13:53,434 --> 01:13:56,062
- Okay. Okay, here we go.
- Okay. Wait, wait, be careful.

1382
01:13:57,897 --> 01:13:59,440
-  All right.

1383
01:14:00,066 --> 01:14:02,610
Oh, it's pretty bad. Okay.

1384
01:14:03,695 --> 01:14:05,989
- Oh, is it bad?
- It's not that bad.

1385
01:14:05,989 --> 01:14:08,032
- Is it that bad? Oh, fuck!
- It's not that bad.

1386
01:14:08,032 --> 01:14:10,160
I just can't look at it.

1387
01:14:10,160 --> 01:14:11,452
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

1388
01:14:11,452 --> 01:14:13,204
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Fuck!

1389
01:14:13,204 --> 01:14:14,747
It's fine. It's fine.

1390
01:14:15,373 --> 01:14:17,250
Did you just put it in your pocket?

1391
01:14:17,250 --> 01:14:18,668
I didn't know where to put it.

1392
01:14:18,668 --> 01:14:21,421
Oh, I'm gonna be sick now. Oh, fuck!

1393
01:14:21,421 --> 01:14:23,882
Don't you throw up.
If you throw up, I'm gonna throw up.

1394
01:14:23,882 --> 01:14:26,259
Don't throw up. Don't throw up.
Please don't throw up.

1395
01:14:26,259 --> 01:14:29,762
- I won't throw up. You don't throw up.
- I won't throw up, if you don't throw up.

1396
01:14:29,762 --> 01:14:31,472
- I'll trust you. Okay.
- Deal.

1397
01:14:31,472 --> 01:14:33,474
Oh, God. Okay.

1398
01:14:34,893 --> 01:14:37,478
- Just do something about it!
- I don't think I can do this.

1399
01:14:38,188 --> 01:14:39,522
Give me a pep talk.

1400
01:14:39,522 --> 01:14:42,275
- Just pull it out. You can do it.
- Okay.

1401
01:14:42,275 --> 01:14:44,694
- I can do it?
- You can do it. Just pull it out. Okay?

1402
01:14:44,694 --> 01:14:46,487
- One, two...
- Three, two...

1403
01:14:46,487 --> 01:14:47,447
No, wait. No, wait.

1404
01:14:47,447 --> 01:14:50,116
- Three! Two! One!
- Three! Two! One!

1405
01:14:55,830 --> 01:14:57,415
I did it! I did it!

1406
01:14:58,249 --> 01:14:59,792
You're not gonna...

1407
01:15:08,009 --> 01:15:10,261
So anyway, I shoot the dude,

1408
01:15:10,261 --> 01:15:12,847
he shoots another dude,
dude shoots another dude.

1409
01:15:12,847 --> 01:15:16,017
Three dudes, one--
Four-- Three-- Three bullets.

1410
01:15:16,017 --> 01:15:18,603
It was top ten all-time kills for me.
Hell, yeah!

1411
01:15:18,603 --> 01:15:20,521
Yeah. Oh, is this...?

1412
01:15:20,521 --> 01:15:23,441
- Are we high-fiving a murder?
- Yeah.

1413
01:15:23,441 --> 01:15:25,735
Hey, where is your father now?

1414
01:15:25,735 --> 01:15:27,904
Who the fuck knows?

1415
01:15:27,904 --> 01:15:30,782
Let me tell you something.
If he is alive, I'm fucking killing him.

1416
01:15:32,367 --> 01:15:34,410
Hey, Igor, what brought you here?

1417
01:15:34,410 --> 01:15:36,412
Hey, thanks to you, Bert.

1418
01:15:36,412 --> 01:15:38,081
- Me?
- Yeah.

1419
01:15:38,081 --> 01:15:39,165
What?

1420
01:15:39,165 --> 01:15:42,627
When I saw how you find joy
in every moment,

1421
01:15:42,627 --> 01:15:46,172
it make me think, "Mafia is dangerous."

1422
01:15:47,423 --> 01:15:48,800
Not easy life.

1423
01:15:48,800 --> 01:15:53,388
And one day,
as I strangle man for not paying me for...

1424
01:15:54,681 --> 01:15:55,890
ah, whatever,

1425
01:15:55,890 --> 01:15:58,601
- I remembered something you say.
- What?

1426
01:15:58,601 --> 01:16:02,563
You told me most important thing in life,

1427
01:16:02,563 --> 01:16:04,607
it is to find your smile.

1428
01:16:05,441 --> 01:16:06,567
- Oh!
- Eh?

1429
01:16:07,277 --> 01:16:09,195
- Ho, ho, ho. Igor.
- Huh?

1430
01:16:09,195 --> 01:16:11,489
I stole that from <i>City Slickers.</i>

1431
01:16:12,031 --> 01:16:14,909
Billy Crystal? 1980s? Cowboys? Nothing?

1432
01:16:14,909 --> 01:16:17,287
His whole deal is stealing shit.

1433
01:16:17,287 --> 01:16:19,622
Back then, Irina. Okay?

1434
01:16:19,622 --> 01:16:22,583
Hey, I just left. It was my choice.

1435
01:16:22,583 --> 01:16:24,002
My smile.

1436
01:16:24,002 --> 01:16:26,379
Mafia was not my smile.

1437
01:16:26,379 --> 01:16:29,173
This was. Children, family, Sonia.

1438
01:16:29,674 --> 01:16:33,219
In mafia, I would have died.

1439
01:16:33,219 --> 01:16:35,930
But I have this, thanks to you, Bert.

1440
01:16:35,930 --> 01:16:37,682
You saved my life.

1441
01:16:41,519 --> 01:16:42,812
Good for you, Igor.

1442
01:16:43,646 --> 01:16:45,523
Hey, at least
I didn't ruin his life, right?

1443
01:16:50,486 --> 01:16:51,487
Bert?

1444
01:16:57,035 --> 01:16:58,077
Bert?

1445
01:17:02,040 --> 01:17:04,375
Hey. Are you asleep?

1446
01:17:05,126 --> 01:17:06,127
Yeah.

1447
01:17:06,669 --> 01:17:09,547
What is this thing you did
that made your daughter hate you?

1448
01:17:15,011 --> 01:17:16,012
All right.

1449
01:17:18,389 --> 01:17:22,101
So me and my big, fat friend Tom,
we're doing a podcast,

1450
01:17:22,685 --> 01:17:25,396
and we get accidentally very fucked up.

1451
01:17:26,773 --> 01:17:28,983
- That's not so bad.
- Wait for it.

1452
01:17:28,983 --> 01:17:31,694
So Sasha's 15, right?
She's got her learner's permit.

1453
01:17:32,320 --> 01:17:34,614
I'm like, "Hey, come out to me.

1454
01:17:35,365 --> 01:17:38,159
Get my car, drive me home."
Right? Bam, bam.

1455
01:17:39,702 --> 01:17:42,580
You asked your teenage daughter
to drive you home drunk?

1456
01:17:42,580 --> 01:17:44,665
It gets worse, okay?

1457
01:17:44,665 --> 01:17:46,125
She rolls a stop sign.

1458
01:17:46,751 --> 01:17:48,086
Cop pulls her over.

1459
01:17:50,546 --> 01:17:54,550
Turns out, having a parent in the car
doesn't count if the parent's trashed.

1460
01:17:56,886 --> 01:18:00,723
She can't get her license for two years.
I got a misdemeanor. It was awful.

1461
01:18:00,723 --> 01:18:03,267
Well, if that's everything,
that's not so bad.

1462
01:18:03,976 --> 01:18:07,313
I wish that was the worst thing
my father ever did to me.

1463
01:18:07,313 --> 01:18:09,357
It almost sounds nice.

1464
01:18:11,567 --> 01:18:14,404
Four minutes before I passed out,
I started a livestream.

1465
01:18:15,238 --> 01:18:17,407
And I livestreamed the entire event.

1466
01:18:18,199 --> 01:18:19,826
It immediately went viral.

1467
01:18:20,993 --> 01:18:22,954
Next weekend was Father's Day.

1468
01:18:24,831 --> 01:18:26,332
She was so mad.

1469
01:18:28,418 --> 01:18:30,586
Oh, God,
she didn't talk to me for a month.

1470
01:18:32,797 --> 01:18:34,173
It was a wake-up call.

1471
01:18:41,431 --> 01:18:45,893
I've been this party guy for so long,
I don't even know who I am anymore.

1472
01:18:50,565 --> 01:18:56,070
Then maybe you're not supposed
to be only Bert.

1473
01:18:58,781 --> 01:19:00,450
Look what you did for Igor.

1474
01:19:01,701 --> 01:19:04,954
Your stupid drunk talk, it saved his life.

1475
01:19:06,789 --> 01:19:08,166
I don't follow.

1476
01:19:11,127 --> 01:19:14,338
We do not grow
by destroying part of ourselves.

1477
01:19:14,839 --> 01:19:17,592
We grow
by finding a balance between parts.

1478
01:19:18,843 --> 01:19:20,761
Balance like Steve Urkel.

1479
01:19:23,431 --> 01:19:24,515
Did you just say "Urkel"?

1480
01:19:24,515 --> 01:19:28,144
It's a reference to one of
my favorite American television shows.

1481
01:19:28,144 --> 01:19:29,562
<i>Family Matters.</i>

1482
01:19:29,562 --> 01:19:30,938
You know it?

1483
01:19:30,938 --> 01:19:34,066
Yeah. Wait. But wait.
What the fuck's Urkel got to do with this?

1484
01:19:34,066 --> 01:19:35,401
Oh!

1485
01:19:35,401 --> 01:19:38,738
In season five,
Steve Urkel takes this potion

1486
01:19:38,738 --> 01:19:43,075
that transforms him into Stefan Urquelle,
like, this cool version of him.

1487
01:19:43,075 --> 01:19:45,369
Everyone starts hating him,
but what does he do?

1488
01:19:45,369 --> 01:19:47,538
He doesn't surrender.

1489
01:19:47,538 --> 01:19:49,040
He improves his formula,

1490
01:19:49,040 --> 01:19:52,460
and in the end,
he gets best of both worlds.

1491
01:19:53,127 --> 01:19:55,588
You are the Machine and Bert.

1492
01:19:56,214 --> 01:19:57,882
You have both sides.

1493
01:19:57,882 --> 01:20:00,885
But now you need to balance.

1494
01:20:04,722 --> 01:20:05,556
I get it.

1495
01:20:06,599 --> 01:20:08,184
Goddamn it.

1496
01:20:08,976 --> 01:20:11,062
Can't believe I slept on <i>Family Matters.</i>

1497
01:20:11,062 --> 01:20:13,981
Oh, you should definitely watch it.
It's very good.

1498
01:20:16,108 --> 01:20:17,735
"Did I do that?"

1499
01:20:17,735 --> 01:20:19,612
He watched it.

1500
01:20:21,531 --> 01:20:24,659
When communists came,
politburo burned down the church

1501
01:20:24,659 --> 01:20:26,786
and build this factory.

1502
01:20:26,786 --> 01:20:29,914
When the communists leave, factory closed.

1503
01:20:29,914 --> 01:20:33,084
When I came to the village,
I helped them build this.

1504
01:20:33,084 --> 01:20:35,336
-  You built this?
-  No, no. Inside.

1505
01:20:41,467 --> 01:20:44,178
I took you here
because building this place,

1506
01:20:44,178 --> 01:20:46,222
feeling closer to God,

1507
01:20:46,222 --> 01:20:48,724
taught me how to forgive myself.

1508
01:20:48,724 --> 01:20:53,020
You know, for all the bad things
that I did, murders,

1509
01:20:53,604 --> 01:20:55,064
all those years ago.

1510
01:20:55,940 --> 01:20:59,610
Why do you think I hooked you up
with the train <i>banditti?</i>

1511
01:20:59,610 --> 01:21:01,529
I don't know.
To show them a good time?

1512
01:21:01,529 --> 01:21:03,447
<i>Da.</i> And?

1513
01:21:04,657 --> 01:21:06,742
To keep your class safe.

1514
01:21:07,660 --> 01:21:09,662
Train <i>banditti</i> are very dangerous.

1515
01:21:09,662 --> 01:21:11,831
They do terrible things to the passengers.

1516
01:21:11,831 --> 01:21:15,543
I introduced them to Machine
to distract them,

1517
01:21:15,543 --> 01:21:18,296
<i>by doing what he always does.</i>

1518
01:21:18,921 --> 01:21:21,382
Yeah. I robbed a lot of people, Igor.

1519
01:21:21,382 --> 01:21:22,633
So?

1520
01:21:23,175 --> 01:21:25,469
Was anyone hurt, killed?

1521
01:21:25,469 --> 01:21:27,888
You spit in a girl's face.
You were an asshole.

1522
01:21:27,888 --> 01:21:30,975
<i>- But your class, they were safe</i>

1523
01:21:30,975 --> 01:21:34,103
because you did exactly
what you're supposed to do,

1524
01:21:34,103 --> 01:21:37,189
by showing them good time,
making them laugh.

1525
01:21:37,189 --> 01:21:39,525
You protected those people.

1526
01:21:39,525 --> 01:21:42,820
That is what a man does.

1527
01:21:44,030 --> 01:21:45,197
Goddamn it.

1528
01:21:45,197 --> 01:21:47,450
Seems you're a good man, Bert.

1529
01:21:49,410 --> 01:21:51,495
- Thanks, Irina.

1530
01:21:51,495 --> 01:21:53,080
It's time to feed kids.

1531
01:21:53,080 --> 01:21:56,459
Holy shit! That's the watch! Oh!

1532
01:21:56,459 --> 01:21:57,752
My father's watch.

1533
01:22:03,924 --> 01:22:05,676
How do you have that?

1534
01:22:05,676 --> 01:22:08,346
You gave it to me when you left Russia.

1535
01:22:08,346 --> 01:22:10,765
You said it was thank you
for being a true friend.

1536
01:22:10,765 --> 01:22:12,808
You were very, very drunk.

1537
01:22:14,143 --> 01:22:15,645
I was embarrassed taking it,

1538
01:22:15,645 --> 01:22:17,980
but the words were nice,
so I just took it.

1539
01:22:17,980 --> 01:22:19,815
Sweet, drunk words.

1540
01:22:19,815 --> 01:22:20,900
God, yes.

1541
01:22:21,525 --> 01:22:22,860
Let's go, Bert.

1542
01:22:22,860 --> 01:22:24,695
I have an empire to claim.

1543
01:22:25,613 --> 01:22:27,531
I would pay
to listen to her talk during sex.

1544
01:22:27,531 --> 01:22:29,116
I would pay to have sex with her.

1545
01:22:29,116 --> 01:22:30,910
Sorry about your bathroom.

1546
01:22:30,910 --> 01:22:32,953
Thank you for taming the whore.

1547
01:22:32,953 --> 01:22:34,622
No, thank you.

1548
01:22:34,622 --> 01:22:36,290
I'll cherish these.

1549
01:22:36,290 --> 01:22:38,292
The fuck am I supposed to do
with a chicken?

1550
01:22:38,292 --> 01:22:41,462
Hey, Bert. I need to come clean.

1551
01:22:41,462 --> 01:22:43,964
After train, I talked to Fedor, and...

1552
01:22:44,715 --> 01:22:47,009
he gave me what you stole from class.

1553
01:22:47,009 --> 01:22:51,138
Then everyone go back to U.S.A.,
so I kept it to remember.

1554
01:22:51,138 --> 01:22:53,933
-  Hold on. No way.
-  Yeah.

1555
01:22:54,642 --> 01:22:55,685
Dude.

1556
01:22:55,685 --> 01:22:57,478
Hey, take it.

1557
01:22:57,478 --> 01:22:59,980
And go to Moscow and save your father.

1558
01:23:00,481 --> 01:23:03,734
If he's still alive.
He may have been tortured to death.

1559
01:23:05,528 --> 01:23:06,696
I think she's autistic.

1560
01:23:06,696 --> 01:23:07,655
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

1561
01:23:07,655 --> 01:23:11,075
Hey, man. Thank you for everything, man.

1562
01:23:11,075 --> 01:23:12,159
- No, no, no.
- No?

1563
01:23:12,159 --> 01:23:13,786
You've been a good-luck charm to me.

1564
01:23:13,786 --> 01:23:15,579
- My life changed the day I met you.
- Hey.

1565
01:23:15,579 --> 01:23:17,039
- Bert, thank you.
- No, thank you.

1566
01:23:17,039 --> 01:23:18,290
- No, thank you.
- No, thank you.

1567
01:23:19,542 --> 01:23:22,712
- God. I'll miss you, brother.

1568
01:23:22,712 --> 01:23:25,840
I'm gonna miss
these disgusting poor people.

1569
01:23:27,299 --> 01:23:30,052
So you just think it and say it?
You don't stop it at all, right?

1570
01:23:30,970 --> 01:23:32,388
Yes, basically.

1571
01:23:33,180 --> 01:23:35,516
- Never met someone like myself before.
- Yeah.

1572
01:23:35,516 --> 01:23:38,602
<i>♪ Hey, man ♪</i>

1573
01:23:38,602 --> 01:23:40,896
MOSCOW

1574
01:23:40,896 --> 01:23:44,734
<i>♪ Nice gun ♪</i>

1575
01:23:46,235 --> 01:23:51,031
<i>♪ Hey, man ♪</i>

1576
01:23:51,782 --> 01:23:55,578
<i>♪ Have fun ♪</i>

1577
01:23:57,121 --> 01:24:01,292
<i>♪ Hey, man ♪</i>

1578
01:24:02,668 --> 01:24:06,464
<i>♪ Have fun ♪</i>

1579
01:24:06,464 --> 01:24:08,132
<i>♪ Nice shot, man ♪</i>

1580
01:24:10,384 --> 01:24:12,219
So I keep having this recurring dream

1581
01:24:12,219 --> 01:24:13,888
where Dolly Parton throws me her pick,

1582
01:24:13,888 --> 01:24:16,056
calls me on-stage
and wants me to jam with her.

1583
01:24:16,056 --> 01:24:17,141
I'm freaking shredding,

1584
01:24:17,141 --> 01:24:19,643
but my fingers turn into spiders
and my teeth fall out.

1585
01:24:19,643 --> 01:24:22,688
Pretty sure it's my heart medication
having a reaction with my sleeping pill.

1586
01:24:22,688 --> 01:24:24,273
But, hey, it's better than doing acid,

1587
01:24:24,273 --> 01:24:26,650
and kind of the highlight of my day
at this point.

1588
01:24:27,151 --> 01:24:30,029
- It's sad but true.
- What the fuck is going on in here?

1589
01:24:30,738 --> 01:24:32,031
Oh, hi, son.

1590
01:24:35,117 --> 01:24:36,202
You two are buds now?

1591
01:24:38,370 --> 01:24:40,664
Dad, why are you talking all fast
like you're on speed or something?

1592
01:24:40,664 --> 01:24:44,418
'Cause I'm on speed.
And it is so, so, so, so great.

1593
01:24:44,418 --> 01:24:46,962
Oh! More drugs.

1594
01:24:46,962 --> 01:24:48,172
Ooh.

1595
01:24:48,172 --> 01:24:50,758
Ooh! Oh.

1596
01:24:50,758 --> 01:24:51,926
Look at me.

1597
01:24:51,926 --> 01:24:54,094
I'm Molly Parton!

1598
01:24:57,389 --> 01:24:58,891
You see what I did there?

1599
01:25:00,643 --> 01:25:02,812
Irina. You're alive.

1600
01:25:03,521 --> 01:25:06,690
- Super.
- Yes, asshole, I am alive.

1601
01:25:06,690 --> 01:25:11,278
I brought the Machine,
and I even have the watch.

1602
01:25:11,278 --> 01:25:14,198
So suck my dick.

1603
01:25:14,198 --> 01:25:16,408
- Thanks.
- Fuck you, Sponge!

1604
01:25:16,408 --> 01:25:18,285
No, fuck you.

1605
01:25:18,285 --> 01:25:19,703
He pay me.

1606
01:25:20,704 --> 01:25:21,747
You hit me.

1607
01:25:22,248 --> 01:25:24,124
I should have left you in that gulag,

1608
01:25:24,124 --> 01:25:26,252
with those doctors poking
and prodding you.

1609
01:25:26,252 --> 01:25:29,004
I would string you up by your balls.

1610
01:25:40,057 --> 01:25:41,058
Machine.

1611
01:25:44,019 --> 01:25:45,229
I must say,

1612
01:25:46,397 --> 01:25:47,982
your dad is so fun.

1613
01:25:48,524 --> 01:25:50,985
He is the original Machine.

1614
01:25:52,236 --> 01:25:53,445
I'm the prototype.

1615
01:25:53,445 --> 01:25:55,364
He has been partying with us.

1616
01:25:55,364 --> 01:25:59,159
Now, your mom was more of
a kind of missionary kind of gal,

1617
01:25:59,159 --> 01:26:02,079
but Annika... Oh, ho!

1618
01:26:02,079 --> 01:26:05,749
- She's got the cushion for the Pushkin.

1619
01:26:06,458 --> 01:26:08,210
Oh, Dad, please stop.

1620
01:26:08,210 --> 01:26:12,339
See, your dad has spent
so long looking after you,

1621
01:26:12,339 --> 01:26:14,383
he never got a chance
to have fun on his own.

1622
01:26:15,426 --> 01:26:16,510
Oh, ho!

1623
01:26:16,510 --> 01:26:18,679
What a load of horseshit that is.

1624
01:26:18,679 --> 01:26:21,849
Those Dolly Parton tickets
he was just bragging about? Front row?

1625
01:26:21,849 --> 01:26:23,726
Who do you think bought them for him?

1626
01:26:23,726 --> 01:26:26,145
And to think I thought
I was finally understanding you.

1627
01:26:26,145 --> 01:26:29,315
I found your fucking knife.
Yeah, you want this piece of shit?

1628
01:26:29,315 --> 01:26:31,150
When he kicked me off the train,

1629
01:26:31,150 --> 01:26:32,943
I thought, "Maybe he's trying
to keep me safe,

1630
01:26:32,943 --> 01:26:34,987
protect me or has a plan."

1631
01:26:34,987 --> 01:26:38,032
But no plan. No fucking plan.

1632
01:26:38,032 --> 01:26:40,034
You're just a big old dick!

1633
01:26:40,910 --> 01:26:44,455
I may have let you down in this world.
You've pointed that out a lot.

1634
01:26:44,455 --> 01:26:47,583
But you know what, Dad?
You have let me down.

1635
01:26:47,583 --> 01:26:49,543
Just like I let Sasha down.

1636
01:26:50,169 --> 01:26:53,088
I can't believe I thought
you were here to take care of me.

1637
01:26:53,088 --> 01:26:55,674
Dad, take a fucking look around.

1638
01:26:55,674 --> 01:26:57,176
You let me down!

1639
01:26:59,553 --> 01:27:00,846
Son.

1640
01:27:01,472 --> 01:27:04,099
I will always take care of you.

1641
01:27:06,477 --> 01:27:07,478
What?

1642
01:27:08,520 --> 01:27:11,982
You people threatened my granddaughter,

1643
01:27:12,650 --> 01:27:14,443
you kidnapped my son,

1644
01:27:14,443 --> 01:27:18,364
and made me do a lot of amazing drugs.

1645
01:27:18,364 --> 01:27:22,076
And this is how we say thank you
in Florida.

1646
01:27:24,745 --> 01:27:26,705
Holy shit!

1647
01:27:30,125 --> 01:27:31,835
Motherfucking Eagle Scout.

1648
01:27:31,835 --> 01:27:33,712
Oh, fuck!

1649
01:27:33,712 --> 01:27:36,340
You have amazing tits!

1650
01:27:36,340 --> 01:27:38,384
-  Oh, shit!

1651
01:27:38,384 --> 01:27:39,843
I got the doors!

1652
01:27:40,719 --> 01:27:41,553
God!

1653
01:27:48,936 --> 01:27:50,354
I thought you were nonviolent.

1654
01:27:50,354 --> 01:27:52,898
I am! But I also love my son!

1655
01:27:52,898 --> 01:27:54,817
I knew you'd survive
falling off that train

1656
01:27:54,817 --> 01:27:57,569
because of your big old boobies
and protective layers of fat.

1657
01:27:58,278 --> 01:27:59,989
Oh, my God, you're so high right now.

1658
01:27:59,989 --> 01:28:03,117
I am so high. I am so high!

1659
01:28:03,117 --> 01:28:06,370
Idiots, stop talking and run.
I'll find the watch.

1660
01:28:06,912 --> 01:28:08,455
Come on, come on, come on.

1661
01:28:09,540 --> 01:28:11,458
Shit. Let's go, Keith Richards.

1662
01:28:12,167 --> 01:28:13,585
Dad, come on! Stop lollygagging!

1663
01:28:16,797 --> 01:28:18,882
God. All right.
Have a great night, everybody.

1664
01:28:18,882 --> 01:28:20,342
Ooh, you're dropping your money.

1665
01:28:20,342 --> 01:28:22,469
Don't drink and drive.
Grab a T-shirt on your way out.

1666
01:28:22,469 --> 01:28:25,723
All right, have a good one.
Oh, here we go. The last ones out.

1667
01:28:25,723 --> 01:28:27,850
Sorry for the gunfire, everybody.
Have a great night.

1668
01:28:27,850 --> 01:28:29,768
Take care. Thank you very much.

1669
01:28:30,853 --> 01:28:33,063
All right, Dad. We're good.

1670
01:28:33,063 --> 01:28:35,566
Now, listen, I need you to use
this drug energy for good.

1671
01:28:35,566 --> 01:28:37,109
All right? Like Charlie Sheen did.

1672
01:28:37,609 --> 01:28:39,528
Oh, shit. Dad, get down.

1673
01:29:08,348 --> 01:29:09,183
- Bert.
- Shh!

1674
01:29:09,183 --> 01:29:10,684
- I lied.
- Stop talking.

1675
01:29:10,684 --> 01:29:11,852
Come on, let's go.

1676
01:29:12,895 --> 01:29:15,439
Look at me. I think I failed you as a dad.

1677
01:29:15,439 --> 01:29:17,858
- Dad, be quiet.
- I can't.

1678
01:29:17,858 --> 01:29:21,111
I'm feeling so many feelings,
and I need to tell you about them.

1679
01:29:22,154 --> 01:29:23,322
Bert?

1680
01:29:23,322 --> 01:29:24,448
- Bert?
- What?

1681
01:29:25,240 --> 01:29:26,658
I need to say this.

1682
01:29:26,658 --> 01:29:29,703
Instead of accepting you,
I criticized you.

1683
01:29:29,703 --> 01:29:32,414
But it was only because
I wanted to keep you safe.

1684
01:29:32,414 --> 01:29:34,333
Why have you never told me this?

1685
01:29:34,333 --> 01:29:35,667
I don't know. It's...

1686
01:29:35,667 --> 01:29:39,713
Vulnerability is scary,
and opening up is hard.

1687
01:29:40,589 --> 01:29:42,883
- What drugs did they give you?
- Well, well, it was...

1688
01:29:42,883 --> 01:29:44,426
Okay, come on. Let's go. Let's go.

1689
01:29:44,426 --> 01:29:46,762
One was yellow,
but I don't know what it was.

1690
01:29:49,306 --> 01:29:51,391
- Bert.
- Dad, shut the fuck up.

1691
01:29:51,391 --> 01:29:52,768
This is important.

1692
01:29:55,646 --> 01:29:57,856
- All dads mess up, Bert.

1693
01:29:58,607 --> 01:30:00,484
But the good ones, we--

1694
01:30:01,610 --> 01:30:03,237
We try to do better.

1695
01:30:05,364 --> 01:30:08,075
I guess sometimes it just...

1696
01:30:09,243 --> 01:30:10,702
takes us a while.

1697
01:30:11,328 --> 01:30:12,955
You're my boy, Bert.

1698
01:30:15,165 --> 01:30:16,834
Don't ever forget that.

1699
01:30:17,501 --> 01:30:19,002
You'll always...

1700
01:30:19,795 --> 01:30:21,296
be my boy.

1701
01:30:28,262 --> 01:30:29,513
This is nice, Dad.

1702
01:30:30,139 --> 01:30:32,975
You should do drugs more often.
Look at us.

1703
01:30:32,975 --> 01:30:34,852
We're finally working through our shit.

1704
01:30:39,356 --> 01:30:40,649
Dad, let's go!

1705
01:30:41,900 --> 01:30:42,985
Goddamn!

1706
01:30:42,985 --> 01:30:45,362
I just wish it had happened
before we were about to die!

1707
01:30:45,362 --> 01:30:47,364
No, we're not gonna die.

1708
01:30:47,906 --> 01:30:48,740
Here.

1709
01:30:49,908 --> 01:30:52,953
You have always succeeded
by being exactly you.

1710
01:30:52,953 --> 01:30:54,830
Now, take off that shirt

1711
01:30:54,830 --> 01:30:58,500
and show those SOBs who you really are.

1712
01:31:02,254 --> 01:31:03,255
Hey!

1713
01:31:09,303 --> 01:31:10,137
Fuck.

1714
01:31:30,032 --> 01:31:32,618
THE MACHINE

1715
01:31:36,205 --> 01:31:39,458
Now you gotta party with me.

1716
01:31:40,083 --> 01:31:41,376
Who the fuck are you?

1717
01:31:41,376 --> 01:31:44,755
He's the motherfucking Machine!

1718
01:31:51,303 --> 01:31:52,387
Oh, shit.

1719
01:31:54,056 --> 01:31:57,017
I'm bulletproof, baby! Yeah!

1720
01:31:57,017 --> 01:31:58,685
Come on! Yeah!

1721
01:32:03,607 --> 01:32:05,609
Suck my dick, Captain America.

1722
01:32:11,240 --> 01:32:12,241
Machina!

1723
01:32:29,216 --> 01:32:31,093
What are you gonna do with a stick?
Come on.

1724
01:32:31,093 --> 01:32:34,346
<i>♪ More human than human... ♪</i>

1725
01:32:34,346 --> 01:32:35,889
I got your stick now.

1726
01:32:44,564 --> 01:32:45,816
Oh!

1727
01:32:49,778 --> 01:32:50,654
Not too bad.

1728
01:32:50,654 --> 01:32:51,947
Oh!

1729
01:32:57,327 --> 01:32:59,037
- Dad, put your hands down.

1730
01:32:59,037 --> 01:33:00,706
Get down now! Come on!

1731
01:33:00,706 --> 01:33:03,041
God, I'm so strong!

1732
01:33:05,085 --> 01:33:06,670
Here we go. Dad, Dad. Down, down.

1733
01:33:08,338 --> 01:33:09,756
Help me fuck up Lenin.

1734
01:33:09,756 --> 01:33:10,924
- Let's do it.
- Come on!

1735
01:33:18,807 --> 01:33:20,684
- Oh!
-  Oh!

1736
01:33:20,684 --> 01:33:22,394
Take that, communist!

1737
01:33:22,394 --> 01:33:24,479
Hey. Eagle Scout.

1738
01:33:25,022 --> 01:33:27,524
We have a rematch.

1739
01:33:34,114 --> 01:33:35,866
- Hammer, Dad.
- Here.

1740
01:33:40,787 --> 01:33:43,081
<i>♪ More human than human ♪</i>

1741
01:33:43,081 --> 01:33:45,417
Oh, titty boy.

1742
01:33:49,254 --> 01:33:50,672
I got you, son!

1743
01:33:52,549 --> 01:33:54,801
Dad! Dad!

1744
01:33:54,801 --> 01:33:56,720
Sorry, old man.

1745
01:34:04,936 --> 01:34:06,480
Absorb that, Sponge.

1746
01:34:08,148 --> 01:34:10,567
Oh, shit. Dad. Get off!

1747
01:34:10,567 --> 01:34:12,319
Are you okay? You okay?

1748
01:34:12,319 --> 01:34:15,072
I-- I saved you.

1749
01:34:15,655 --> 01:34:16,782
Yeah, you did.

1750
01:34:18,075 --> 01:34:18,992
Oh, shit.

1751
01:34:18,992 --> 01:34:22,245
Come here! Come on, Dad, let's walk.
Oh, shit. Shit. Let me see.

1752
01:34:23,080 --> 01:34:25,916
- You... are nothing...

1753
01:34:29,961 --> 01:34:34,049
but an ignorant, fat American
who has no respect.

1754
01:34:34,049 --> 01:34:36,885
Our father earned our respect.

1755
01:34:40,514 --> 01:34:41,807
Your father...

1756
01:34:42,808 --> 01:34:44,267
sells carpets.

1757
01:34:45,852 --> 01:34:50,649
I think I will make him
watch you die, Machine.

1758
01:34:53,360 --> 01:34:54,861
My name's not Machine.

1759
01:34:59,241 --> 01:35:02,452
My name is Albert Charles Kreischer III,

1760
01:35:02,452 --> 01:35:05,080
son to Albert Charles Kreischer Jr.,

1761
01:35:05,080 --> 01:35:08,041
owner and operator of Kreischer Karpets,

1762
01:35:08,041 --> 01:35:11,378
the best goddamn carpets
you can find in Southwest Florida!

1763
01:35:11,378 --> 01:35:13,964
Three convenient locations.

1764
01:35:13,964 --> 01:35:15,549
Tell him, Dad!

1765
01:35:15,549 --> 01:35:18,844
And if I ever see
your albino-looking ass again,

1766
01:35:18,844 --> 01:35:20,554
I'm gonna whip it quick as a bitch.

1767
01:35:20,554 --> 01:35:22,973
And last, but surely not least,

1768
01:35:22,973 --> 01:35:25,225
I'm gonna need that knife back.
That's a family heirloom.

1769
01:35:25,809 --> 01:35:26,726
Hm.

1770
01:35:27,811 --> 01:35:29,980
- You want knife?
- Oh, yeah.

1771
01:35:32,816 --> 01:35:34,860
Oh, I wouldn't--
I wouldn't do it that way, though.

1772
01:35:35,777 --> 01:35:36,945
Uh-oh.

1773
01:35:38,780 --> 01:35:41,450
I would have someone help you.
Oh, God. It's--

1774
01:35:41,450 --> 01:35:44,286
Oh, my Jesus. That's how Steve Irwin died.

1775
01:35:52,169 --> 01:35:54,880
Oh, my God.

1776
01:35:55,839 --> 01:35:58,633
You work out every day? That's--
Looks like an everyday thing.

1777
01:35:58,633 --> 01:36:00,927
- Enough talk.
- All right, yep.

1778
01:36:03,138 --> 01:36:04,931
Oh. So now's when we bang, huh?

1779
01:36:47,724 --> 01:36:49,017
Okay, here we go.

1780
01:36:58,693 --> 01:37:00,278
So you can fight.

1781
01:37:01,071 --> 01:37:02,364
I went to Florida State.

1782
01:37:02,989 --> 01:37:05,367
All we know how to do is fight,
fuck, and drink.

1783
01:37:05,951 --> 01:37:07,619
And I can't fuck worth shit.

1784
01:37:33,144 --> 01:37:35,230
Oh. I just got that crown.

1785
01:37:42,654 --> 01:37:45,115
Would you like to know
why I hate you, Machine?

1786
01:37:45,115 --> 01:37:47,033
Oh, I'm dying to know.

1787
01:37:47,033 --> 01:37:51,705
All my life, men were measured
against your stupid legend.

1788
01:37:53,999 --> 01:37:55,375
"The best."

1789
01:37:56,334 --> 01:37:57,794
"The man's man."

1790
01:37:58,420 --> 01:37:59,838
I say, fuck that!

1791
01:38:01,214 --> 01:38:03,466
So I worked
to make myself better than you.

1792
01:38:04,175 --> 01:38:05,885
Stronger than you.

1793
01:38:05,885 --> 01:38:07,762
Look at you now, Machine.

1794
01:38:07,762 --> 01:38:09,264
You are nothing.

1795
01:38:13,768 --> 01:38:16,438
So dramatic, Alexei.

1796
01:38:16,438 --> 01:38:18,440
All these fucking speeches.

1797
01:38:22,611 --> 01:38:23,612
Irina.

1798
01:38:23,612 --> 01:38:27,616
Typical macho bullshit.

1799
01:38:29,492 --> 01:38:32,287
- Oh, Dad!
- Whoa, whoa, my arm!

1800
01:38:32,287 --> 01:38:34,623
- Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
- Son...

1801
01:38:35,540 --> 01:38:37,542
you didn't show fear.

1802
01:39:03,777 --> 01:39:04,736
Enough!

1803
01:39:19,000 --> 01:39:21,795
Is this how I raised you?

1804
01:39:30,387 --> 01:39:31,596
Your watch, Papa.

1805
01:39:41,106 --> 01:39:43,483
I brought it here to return it to you.

1806
01:39:51,157 --> 01:39:52,283
So...

1807
01:39:55,995 --> 01:39:58,081
it's clear that I have won.

1808
01:40:00,417 --> 01:40:04,295
Oh, Irina. My beautiful daughter.

1809
01:40:05,004 --> 01:40:07,215
You want to take over?

1810
01:40:07,215 --> 01:40:10,385
You cannot even kill brother.

1811
01:40:10,385 --> 01:40:13,513
You become friends with idiot.

1812
01:40:14,139 --> 01:40:16,683
I would never give this to you.

1813
01:40:18,143 --> 01:40:20,395
Actually, can I step in for a second?

1814
01:40:21,646 --> 01:40:24,357
I think you guys should talk it out.
Now, me and my dad...

1815
01:40:25,316 --> 01:40:27,610
- This is Russia.
- Okay, okay.

1816
01:40:27,610 --> 01:40:31,364
We don't do your weak,
America, lovey-huggy shit.

1817
01:40:33,491 --> 01:40:36,953
Hugs are for pussies.

1818
01:40:37,537 --> 01:40:39,080
Well, that explains a lot.

1819
01:40:43,168 --> 01:40:46,045
Alexei understands.

1820
01:40:47,130 --> 01:40:50,216
It is why he will run family.

1821
01:40:51,009 --> 01:40:52,510
You are weak.

1822
01:40:52,510 --> 01:40:54,763
A leader must be a wolf.

1823
01:40:56,514 --> 01:40:59,559
Kill or be killed.

1824
01:40:59,559 --> 01:41:01,561
If you do not like it,

1825
01:41:02,937 --> 01:41:05,273
take it up with God.

1826
01:41:07,275 --> 01:41:08,735
But you first.

1827
01:41:32,300 --> 01:41:34,093
Did I do that?

1828
01:41:36,763 --> 01:41:40,475
I am definitely watching
<i>Family Matters</i> when we get home.

1829
01:42:03,164 --> 01:42:04,958
Look at that! Look at that! Look at that!

1830
01:42:06,918 --> 01:42:10,088
Irina, we can work together.

1831
01:42:10,088 --> 01:42:11,297
I am your brother.

1832
01:42:11,297 --> 01:42:12,799
Shut the fuck up!

1833
01:42:17,887 --> 01:42:20,223
Take him to our family <i>dacha</i>
while I decide

1834
01:42:20,223 --> 01:42:22,934
which part of him to cut off
for his insolence.

1835
01:42:24,227 --> 01:42:26,437
Fuck you, bitch. This is Russia.

1836
01:42:26,437 --> 01:42:30,024
- Machine, I will kill you someday!

1837
01:42:30,024 --> 01:42:31,985
- I don't think so.
-  I will come for you!

1838
01:42:31,985 --> 01:42:34,070
- I don't know about that.
- Machine!

1839
01:42:34,070 --> 01:42:36,239
- I can't hear you.
- I will come for you!

1840
01:42:36,239 --> 01:42:38,700
Whoo! Go, me! Right?

1841
01:42:38,700 --> 01:42:39,868
That was awesome!

1842
01:42:39,868 --> 01:42:41,911
Thank you, Bert. You inspired me.

1843
01:42:41,911 --> 01:42:42,829
Wait, how?

1844
01:42:42,829 --> 01:42:45,206
When you said you're going
to kill your dad at Igor's house.

1845
01:42:45,206 --> 01:42:48,418
- You said you were gonna kill me?
- Well, yeah. You kicked me off a train.

1846
01:42:48,418 --> 01:42:51,004
Now go, before police shows up.

1847
01:42:51,588 --> 01:42:52,672
- And, Bert.
- Yeah?

1848
01:42:52,672 --> 01:42:54,215
Your daughter is sweet.

1849
01:42:54,215 --> 01:42:56,843
My DJ friend tells me she's a good girl.

1850
01:42:56,843 --> 01:42:59,804
- Some drugs. But smoke, not snort.
- Okay.

1851
01:42:59,804 --> 01:43:01,556
- Good girl.
- Yeah.

1852
01:43:07,145 --> 01:43:08,354
You're a good dad.

1853
01:43:08,354 --> 01:43:09,689
Keep it up.

1854
01:43:10,231 --> 01:43:13,401
Or else your daughter may kill you.

1855
01:43:13,401 --> 01:43:15,570
Oh...

1856
01:43:17,030 --> 01:43:18,114
Thanks, Irina.

1857
01:43:19,532 --> 01:43:21,200
See you around, pussy boy.

1858
01:43:39,761 --> 01:43:42,055
Hey, deuces. Bye.

1859
01:43:42,055 --> 01:43:43,139
Bye, girl.

1860
01:43:46,893 --> 01:43:48,728
- Dad?
-  Keep it, sir. Thank you.

1861
01:43:48,728 --> 01:43:51,314
- Dad, look. Mom said that...
- Oh, my gosh!

1862
01:43:51,314 --> 01:43:53,024
- There she is! Come here!
- What?

1863
01:43:53,024 --> 01:43:54,651
Oh, my God, I love you.

1864
01:43:54,651 --> 01:43:57,654
I am so sorry. You are a fantastic kid.

1865
01:43:58,947 --> 01:44:01,741
No, look. I'm really sorry.
I was really mean at the party.

1866
01:44:02,825 --> 01:44:05,161
Look at us. We're apologizing.

1867
01:44:05,161 --> 01:44:07,080
I should be kidnapped to Russia
once a year

1868
01:44:07,080 --> 01:44:09,582
- just to make this happen, right?
- What?

1869
01:44:09,582 --> 01:44:11,167
Oh, there's the smile.

1870
01:44:11,167 --> 01:44:13,461
You did that smile
when you were a little girl.

1871
01:44:13,461 --> 01:44:15,254
You're still my little girl.

1872
01:44:16,673 --> 01:44:18,591
Oh! And there's my woman.

1873
01:44:18,591 --> 01:44:21,636
Oh, well, well.
It's nice to see you two back.

1874
01:44:21,636 --> 01:44:24,097
I hope you worked out
your shit finally be--

1875
01:44:28,059 --> 01:44:28,935
Mmm.

1876
01:44:30,353 --> 01:44:31,354
Wow.

1877
01:44:32,355 --> 01:44:33,481
The fuck are you wearing?

1878
01:44:33,481 --> 01:44:36,651
- Oh, my God, what is that smell?
- Okay, these are clothes.

1879
01:44:36,651 --> 01:44:38,194
I do not know what that smell is.

1880
01:44:38,194 --> 01:44:39,779
- Did you go to Vegas?
- I did not go to Vegas.

1881
01:44:39,779 --> 01:44:41,739
- Where's your dad?
- Dad's in Florida.

1882
01:44:41,739 --> 01:44:44,283
He's got a doctor buddy he plays golf with
who doesn't ask any questions.

1883
01:44:44,283 --> 01:44:46,077
We could all use one of those,
right, guys? Am I kidding?

1884
01:44:46,077 --> 01:44:48,705
- Dad! Hey!
- Oh, there she is!

1885
01:44:48,705 --> 01:44:50,164
From the top rope!

1886
01:44:50,164 --> 01:44:51,916
Oh, my gosh!

1887
01:44:51,916 --> 01:44:53,835
Oh, I love you! My favorite daughter!

1888
01:44:53,835 --> 01:44:55,545
- Just kidding. I'm not kidding.
- Hey.

1889
01:44:55,545 --> 01:44:57,755
I can't wait till you get kidnapped.

1890
01:44:58,923 --> 01:45:01,134
- What?
- Guys, Dad's back!

1891
01:45:01,134 --> 01:45:03,344
Dad's back! It's old-school Dad!

1892
01:45:03,344 --> 01:45:04,679
How was your week?

1893
01:45:05,221 --> 01:45:07,306
Oof. Complicated.

1894
01:45:07,306 --> 01:45:10,518
<i>Dear Ashley, are you still hot? I'm not.</i>

1895
01:45:10,518 --> 01:45:12,687
<i>I don't expect you to forgive me,</i>

1896
01:45:12,687 --> 01:45:14,981
<i>but I wanted to keep my promise.</i>

1897
01:45:14,981 --> 01:45:17,692
<i>Gifts are an important aspect
of Russian life.</i>

1898
01:45:17,692 --> 01:45:19,694
<i>So are apologies.</i>

1899
01:45:19,694 --> 01:45:21,237
<i>This is mine.</i>

1900
01:45:21,946 --> 01:45:24,699
Last week,
the subject of your father came up,

1901
01:45:24,699 --> 01:45:26,701
and I thought we could explore that.

1902
01:45:27,702 --> 01:45:29,370
Jesus Christ, Dad. That Annika girl.

1903
01:45:29,370 --> 01:45:32,665
- Did you wear condoms?
- Oh, oh, oh. Will you stop? Stop.

1904
01:45:32,665 --> 01:45:34,250
- I'm just saying.
- I don't want to hear it again.

1905
01:45:34,250 --> 01:45:35,918
Please put that down the memory hole.

1906
01:45:35,918 --> 01:45:37,128
I can't, Dad.

1907
01:45:37,128 --> 01:45:39,464
Since when do you have
such a razor-sharp memory?

1908
01:45:39,464 --> 01:45:40,381
What happened--

1909
01:45:40,381 --> 01:45:42,842
When you say things like,
"Your mom is a missionary woman."

1910
01:45:42,842 --> 01:45:44,052
<i>Oh, no!</i>

1911
01:45:44,052 --> 01:45:45,887
Nah, we're good.

1912
01:45:46,596 --> 01:45:47,597
You and your father?

1913
01:45:47,597 --> 01:45:50,266
Yeah. We're thick as thieves.
Butch and Sundance.

1914
01:45:50,266 --> 01:45:51,350
- Really?
- Yeah.

1915
01:45:52,393 --> 01:45:55,772
Well, if you don't mind,
can I ask how that resolved itself?

1916
01:45:55,772 --> 01:45:57,940
You can ask, but I don't think
you're gonna believe me.

1917
01:45:57,940 --> 01:45:59,609
Well, humor me.

1918
01:46:00,777 --> 01:46:01,778
Hm...

1919
01:46:03,237 --> 01:46:04,238
All right.

1920
01:46:05,406 --> 01:46:08,034
When I was 48 years old,
I got involved with the Russian mafia.

1921
01:46:08,034 --> 01:46:09,285
Here's how it happened.

1922
01:46:10,369 --> 01:46:14,957
<i>♪ Father of mine
Tell me where have you been ♪</i>

1923
01:46:14,957 --> 01:46:20,213
<i>♪ You know I just closed my eyes
My whole world disappeared ♪</i>

1924
01:46:20,213 --> 01:46:24,842
<i>♪ Father of mine
Take me back to the day ♪</i>

1925
01:46:24,842 --> 01:46:29,847
<i>♪ Yeah, when I was still your golden boy
Back before you went away ♪</i>

1926
01:46:29,847 --> 01:46:34,811
<i>♪ I remember blue skies
Walking the block ♪</i>

1927
01:46:34,811 --> 01:46:39,690
<i>♪ I loved it when you held me high
I loved to hear you talk ♪</i>

1928
01:46:39,690 --> 01:46:44,654
<i>♪ You would take me to the movies
You would take me to the beach ♪</i>

1929
01:46:44,654 --> 01:46:49,492
<i>♪ You would take me to a place inside
That is so hard to reach ♪</i>

1930
01:46:58,835 --> 01:47:00,044
What's up, Florida?

1931
01:47:00,044 --> 01:47:01,420
It's your boy, Bert Kreischer.

1932
01:47:01,420 --> 01:47:02,964
The Machine.

1933
01:47:02,964 --> 01:47:04,423
I love three things:

1934
01:47:04,423 --> 01:47:05,883
- Having a great time...
-  Yeah!

1935
01:47:05,883 --> 01:47:07,718
...making sure
other people have a great time,

1936
01:47:07,718 --> 01:47:08,886
and quality carpets

1937
01:47:08,886 --> 01:47:11,180
- delivered at a reasonable price.
-  Oh, yeah!

1938
01:47:11,180 --> 01:47:13,224
That's why,
if you're looking for some acrylic,

1939
01:47:13,224 --> 01:47:16,519
wool, plush, saxony, or level loop...

1940
01:47:16,519 --> 01:47:18,104
None of that nylon shit.

1941
01:47:18,104 --> 01:47:20,439
...you need to find your way
to a Kreischer Karpets.

1942
01:47:20,439 --> 01:47:22,859
It's my dad's business,
and he's right here.

1943
01:47:22,859 --> 01:47:24,110
Say hi, Dad.

1944
01:47:24,819 --> 01:47:27,822
Hey, son. You can't say a swear on TV.

1945
01:47:27,822 --> 01:47:30,700
The best goddamn carpets
in Southwest Florida.

1946
01:47:30,700 --> 01:47:33,870
That's Kreischer Karpets,
spelled weirdly with a K.

1947
01:47:33,870 --> 01:47:35,037
Take it off, Dad.

1948
01:47:35,830 --> 01:47:37,165
Okay, fine.

1949
01:47:40,543 --> 01:47:43,462
Did we mention we have
three convenient locations?