1
00:00:49,170 --> 00:00:51,460
<i>When I was 22, I got involved
with the Russian mafia.</i>

2
00:00:51,460 --> 00:00:52,920
<i>Here's how it happened.</i>

3
00:00:56,050 --> 00:00:59,050
<i>I went to school at Florida State.
I was not a very good student.</i>

4
00:00:59,890 --> 00:01:01,020
<i>This is how bad I was.</i>

5
00:01:01,020 --> 00:01:04,060
<i>I signed up for a Russian class one time,
thinking it was Spanish.</i>

6
00:01:04,060 --> 00:01:06,100
<i>And it took me three classes
before I realized,</i>

7
00:01:06,100 --> 00:01:08,480
<i>-"I don't think this is Spanish."</i>

8
00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:13,530
<i>So I took Russian 1, 2, 3, and 4,
never learned a fucking word.</i>

9
00:01:13,530 --> 00:01:14,610
MOSCOW

10
00:01:14,610 --> 00:01:16,780
<i>The end of Russian 4,
same teacher pulls me aside.</i>

11
00:01:16,780 --> 00:01:18,660
<i>She's like,
"Yo, we're taking a trip to Russia.</i>

12
00:01:18,660 --> 00:01:20,330
<i>If you go, you'll get a minor."</i>

13
00:01:20,330 --> 00:01:22,660
<i>I was like,</i>
"Strasvutsia, <i>bitches, I'm back!"</i>

14
00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:25,750
<i>We went to Russia.
The Russian mob ran everything.</i>

15
00:01:25,750 --> 00:01:27,330
{\an8}And they told us that our first night.

16
00:01:27,330 --> 00:01:29,750
{\an8}I'm in the back of the class like,
"This trip just got fucking awesome."

17
00:01:29,750 --> 00:01:30,840
VOLGOVITCH CASINO

18
00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:33,920
<i>Then, like, in exchange for our money,
they gave us two young gangsters.</i>

19
00:01:33,920 --> 00:01:35,970
<i>The word for that
in Russian is</i> "banditti."

20
00:01:35,970 --> 00:01:38,390
<i>So I ended up befriending the</i> banditti.

21
00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:44,390
<i>Then, one night, the whole class is taking
an overnight train trip to Moscow.</i>

22
00:01:44,390 --> 00:01:47,270
<i>We roll to the bar car
like a big dick in a locker room.</i>

23
00:01:47,270 --> 00:01:50,520
<i>Just, not that I've ever been that guy,
but I've seen it.</i>

24
00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:53,110
<i>So the</i> banditti <i>says to me,</i>

25
00:01:53,110 --> 00:01:56,150
<i>"Don't worry. When it gets dark,
we have good time."</i>

26
00:01:56,150 --> 00:01:58,240
<i>I'm like,
"What are we doing when it gets dark?"</i>

27
00:01:59,070 --> 00:02:01,160
<i>Reaches into his pocket,
pulls a ring of keys out.</i>

28
00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:03,490
<i>He goes,
"We're robbing the whole fucking train."</i>

29
00:02:03,490 --> 00:02:04,580
<i>Now...</i>

30
00:02:07,540 --> 00:02:09,880
<i>I'm a good per-- I'm an okay person.</i>

31
00:02:11,460 --> 00:02:13,670
<i>My point is, we fucking robbed them.</i>

32
00:02:15,550 --> 00:02:18,590
<i>We robbed the whole train,
and then we drank hard as shit.</i>

33
00:02:19,220 --> 00:02:22,810
<i>Pull in to Moscow at 6 a.m.,
hammered, piss drunk. Train stops.</i>

34
00:02:22,810 --> 00:02:23,720
It is him.

35
00:02:23,720 --> 00:02:25,520
<i>My whole class, they're in their pajamas.</i>

36
00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:27,520
<i>They're upset.
They've been robbed. I get it.</i>

37
00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:32,150
I want what you stole, Machine!

38
00:02:32,150 --> 00:02:33,940
-<i>I'm the Machine!</i>

39
00:02:33,940 --> 00:02:37,740
<i>They look at me and look at each other and
they're like, "Fuck it! He's the Machine!"</i>

40
00:02:50,790 --> 00:02:54,710
<i>♪ I thought I saw a man brought to life ♪</i>

41
00:02:56,460 --> 00:03:01,470
{\an8}♪ He was warm
He came around like he was dignified ♪

42
00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:05,810
{\an8}♪ He showed me what it was to cry ♪

43
00:03:07,430 --> 00:03:11,850
{\an8}♪ Well, you couldn't be
That one I adored ♪

44
00:03:13,230 --> 00:03:18,360
{\an8}♪ You don't seem to know
Seem to care what your heart is for ♪

45
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:22,360
<i>♪ But I don't know you anymore ♪</i>

46
00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:28,750
{\an8}♪ There's nothing where you used to lie
Our conversation has run dry ♪

47
00:03:29,500 --> 00:03:35,130
{\an8}♪ That's what's going on
Nothing's fine, I'm torn ♪

48
00:03:35,130 --> 00:03:40,800
<i>♪ I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel ♪</i>

49
00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:46,720
{\an8}♪ I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor ♪

50
00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:52,100
{\an8}♪ Illusion never changed
Into something real ♪

51
00:03:52,100 --> 00:03:57,730
{\an8}♪ I'm wide awake and I can see
The perfect sky is torn ♪

52
00:03:57,730 --> 00:04:03,280
{\an8}♪ You're a little late, I'm already torn ♪

53
00:04:13,420 --> 00:04:15,630
<i>♪ I'm already torn ♪</i>

54
00:04:16,500 --> 00:04:19,210
<i>♪ I'm already torn ♪</i>

55
00:04:19,210 --> 00:04:21,840
{\an8}♪ I'm already torn ♪

56
00:04:27,470 --> 00:04:28,760
Okay.

57
00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:32,640
{\an8}So, Bert, how we doing today?

58
00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:34,310
{\an8}I feel fantastic.

59
00:04:35,150 --> 00:04:36,900
I'm eating clean. I'm working out.

60
00:04:36,900 --> 00:04:38,270
Blood pressure's down.

61
00:04:38,770 --> 00:04:40,480
No more partying.

62
00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:43,740
I haven't called anyone in this room
the C-word in almost three months, huh?

63
00:04:44,410 --> 00:04:45,990
He's never called Tat a C-word.

64
00:04:45,990 --> 00:04:48,200
- Oh, she's never acted like a C-word.
- Thanks, Dad.

65
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:50,240
- So Mom and I act like C-words?

66
00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:51,450
You'd be shocked.

67
00:04:51,450 --> 00:04:53,290
- Wait. Just leave it there.
- Mom! Mom?

68
00:04:53,290 --> 00:04:54,210
- Okay. Okay.
-  Mom.

69
00:04:54,210 --> 00:04:55,250
- Mom.
- I'm still waiting.

70
00:04:55,250 --> 00:04:57,130
- All right!
- That's not fair.

71
00:04:57,630 --> 00:04:59,250
Bert, why are we here?

72
00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:02,590
Well, I wanted you guys to see
the progress that I've made.

73
00:05:02,590 --> 00:05:03,880
To see how far I've come.

74
00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:07,050
Personal growth isn't something
that you need to point out.

75
00:05:07,050 --> 00:05:10,100
Progress is something that your family
should be noticing on their own.

76
00:05:10,100 --> 00:05:12,770
Bro, that's why they're here,
to notice it.

77
00:05:12,770 --> 00:05:15,100
Hey, if you're not on my team,
shut the fuck up, okay?

78
00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:17,270
Okay, no.
Has Bert ever talked about his father?

79
00:05:17,270 --> 00:05:18,560
- No.
-  This has absolutely

80
00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:20,440
- nothing to do with my father.
- Huh.

81
00:05:21,030 --> 00:05:23,070
I had an incident with my daughter.

82
00:05:23,070 --> 00:05:24,240
An incident.

83
00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:27,410
That was caused by my lifestyle
and my behavior.

84
00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:30,240
And I am taking actions to course-correct.

85
00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:31,580
And you should know

86
00:05:31,580 --> 00:05:34,620
that he sounds just like his father
when he talks like that.

87
00:05:34,620 --> 00:05:35,580
-  Hold on.
- Yes.

88
00:05:35,580 --> 00:05:37,370
- My father doesn't understand me.
- Same.

89
00:05:37,370 --> 00:05:38,880
Not same. Not same.

90
00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:40,630
My father's always correcting me.

91
00:05:40,630 --> 00:05:42,250
- Same, same.
- Not same, same!

92
00:05:42,250 --> 00:05:44,720
Your relationship with me
is totally different

93
00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:46,130
than my relationship with Papa.

94
00:05:46,130 --> 00:05:48,680
Okay, girls, please, can you wait outside?

95
00:05:48,680 --> 00:05:50,800
Perfect. Come on, Tat.

96
00:05:51,810 --> 00:05:52,810
Deuces.

97
00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:54,890
- Ho, ho.

98
00:05:55,810 --> 00:05:57,730
- So you can see what's going on here?
-  Yeah.

99
00:05:57,730 --> 00:05:59,690
- You just saw that, right?
- Yes.

100
00:06:01,270 --> 00:06:02,690
You-- Oh...

101
00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:05,280
Wait. You're talking about me?

102
00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:06,450
Oh, yes.

103
00:06:06,450 --> 00:06:07,740
Oh, fuck off.

104
00:06:07,740 --> 00:06:09,870
Fuck off? Fuck you! Fuck off!

105
00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:11,530
Oh, I didn't say it like, "Fuck off!"

106
00:06:11,530 --> 00:06:14,080
- I said, "Fuck off."
- You do not tell me "fuck off."

107
00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:15,700
It's my therapy.
I can say whatever I want, right?

108
00:06:15,700 --> 00:06:17,960
- Actually, you can't.
- No, like, you signed an oath!

109
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:22,920
Hey! I am going to allow the two of you
to talk about his issues with his father.

110
00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:24,460
Deuces, Bert.

111
00:06:30,050 --> 00:06:31,890
You know the C-word's "cunt," right?

112
00:06:31,890 --> 00:06:32,930
Okay. Here we go.

113
00:06:32,930 --> 00:06:34,310
Okay. One last push.

114
00:06:34,310 --> 00:06:36,600
- You can get it all in. Get it all in.

115
00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:38,480
We got it. It's gonna-- Getting it in!

116
00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:40,020
15 minutes! 15...

117
00:06:40,020 --> 00:06:41,810
Hey, babe! Look who's up!

118
00:06:43,770 --> 00:06:45,400
Babe, 96 workouts in a row,

119
00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:47,820
and I still feel like
I'm sweating out toxins.

120
00:06:47,820 --> 00:06:50,160
- Still smells like your skin is pissing.
- Two more.

121
00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:53,240
One more. Nice. Ho, ho!

122
00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:55,490
- Hey.

123
00:06:56,580 --> 00:06:59,040
Do you think people are gonna
think I'm on HGH? Feel that.

124
00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:00,540
- Uh...
- Feel my tit.

125
00:07:00,540 --> 00:07:02,790
No, like full-handed.
Full-handed. Grab it.

126
00:07:02,790 --> 00:07:04,960
There you go. Nice.

127
00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:06,380
I'm making smoothies.

128
00:07:06,380 --> 00:07:08,590
Who wants smoothies?

129
00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:11,550
Mom, can you please tell him

130
00:07:11,550 --> 00:07:14,350
not to do anything embarrassing
at my party today?

131
00:07:14,350 --> 00:07:18,020
Whoa! So that's how
we're gonna start our morning?

132
00:07:18,020 --> 00:07:20,310
I haven't done anything
publicly embarrassing

133
00:07:20,310 --> 00:07:22,060
in almost three months.

134
00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:25,110
Okay.

135
00:07:25,770 --> 00:07:27,190
But don't go overboard this time.

136
00:07:27,190 --> 00:07:29,150
I just want it to be with my friends.

137
00:07:29,150 --> 00:07:30,110
What friends?

138
00:07:30,110 --> 00:07:31,610
Don-- Eas-- Le--

139
00:07:31,610 --> 00:07:33,280
- So not cool.
- Don't.

140
00:07:33,910 --> 00:07:35,950
Are those nut sacks?

141
00:07:35,950 --> 00:07:37,290
No.

142
00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:39,450
It's a pimple for <i>Dr. Pimple Popper.</i>

143
00:07:39,450 --> 00:07:42,000
Oh, you don't think that's a little gross?

144
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:43,750
Uh, it's totally gross.

145
00:07:43,750 --> 00:07:45,420
That's why Sasha and I love it.

146
00:07:45,420 --> 00:07:46,880
If you think about it,

147
00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:50,130
it's kind of like a metaphor
for her exploding into womanhood.

148
00:07:53,590 --> 00:07:55,300
What is wrong with this shirt?

149
00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,140
Supposed to be like this?

150
00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:05,480
Hey, babe.

151
00:08:06,570 --> 00:08:08,780
If I stand like this,
does it look tucked in?

152
00:08:09,820 --> 00:08:11,280
Don't wear that shirt.

153
00:08:12,490 --> 00:08:13,320
All right.

154
00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:15,910
What are these, my dad's shirts?

155
00:08:18,330 --> 00:08:20,330
Can you please help me pick out a shirt?

156
00:08:22,290 --> 00:08:23,120
Okay.

157
00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:26,590
I think that this therapy
is making everything worse.

158
00:08:26,590 --> 00:08:28,420
I think you need to get back on-stage.

159
00:08:28,420 --> 00:08:30,960
That's definitely not happening.

160
00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:32,970
- Why?
- Sit down.

161
00:08:35,050 --> 00:08:37,010
Have you ever seen <i>The Nutty Professor?</i>

162
00:08:37,010 --> 00:08:39,060
- Uh, no, I have not.
- Okay.

163
00:08:39,060 --> 00:08:41,020
Eddie Murphy turns into this one guy,

164
00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:42,310
which is great at first.

165
00:08:42,310 --> 00:08:44,390
But then his family starts hating him

166
00:08:44,390 --> 00:08:46,480
and he starts hating himself.

167
00:08:47,020 --> 00:08:47,860
Uh--

168
00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:50,360
Look.

169
00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:56,370
I'm the Machine on-stage.

170
00:08:56,370 --> 00:08:58,740
I'm also the Machine off-stage.

171
00:08:59,990 --> 00:09:01,370
I got high and I got drunk,

172
00:09:01,370 --> 00:09:03,120
and I almost got our daughter arrested.

173
00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:04,670
I saw the look in her face.

174
00:09:05,750 --> 00:09:07,500
I was helpless
and I couldn't do anything,

175
00:09:07,500 --> 00:09:09,460
and I wanted to kill myself.

176
00:09:11,050 --> 00:09:13,260
I will never let that happen
to our family again.

177
00:09:17,010 --> 00:09:19,890
Well, fuck,
now I wanna watch <i>The Nutty Professor.</i>

178
00:09:19,890 --> 00:09:22,180
It's a pretty good movie.
I wish you had watched it.

179
00:09:22,180 --> 00:09:24,390
It's exactly
what I'm going through right now.

180
00:09:24,390 --> 00:09:28,150
Maybe for now, for today,
we keep it simple.

181
00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:32,230
- I can do simple.
- Yeah?

182
00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:41,540
There she is.

183
00:09:41,540 --> 00:09:42,870
There's my birthday girl.

184
00:09:42,870 --> 00:09:45,210
Hey, Sash, what do you think of the party?

185
00:09:45,870 --> 00:09:46,750
It's kind of big.

186
00:09:46,750 --> 00:09:48,420
Kind of big and awesome, right?

187
00:09:48,420 --> 00:09:51,000
Hey, Bert,
does the DJ have any glitchcore?

188
00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:52,130
Hey, Madison...

189
00:09:55,470 --> 00:09:56,680
I'll go check.

190
00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:58,640
- Hey. Hey.
- What's up?

191
00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:00,600
I thought you said you invited,
like, ten people.

192
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,220
Oh, no. I invited a ton.

193
00:10:02,220 --> 00:10:03,850
Well, you can't risk no-shows, babe.

194
00:10:03,850 --> 00:10:05,890
And partying with six people
is fucking depressing.

195
00:10:05,890 --> 00:10:07,810
I even invited parents that hate me.

196
00:10:07,810 --> 00:10:10,060
- What's up, Madison's mom?
- Oh. Hm.

197
00:10:10,770 --> 00:10:12,610
That guy's a bitch. He is such a...

198
00:10:12,610 --> 00:10:14,190
She's going through a divorce. Be nice.

199
00:10:14,190 --> 00:10:15,320
- Seriously?
- Mm-hm.

200
00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:17,070
Hey, hey. This is a sweet 16.

201
00:10:17,070 --> 00:10:19,320
- It's a big deal.
- Yeah, for Sash.

202
00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:21,620
I think Skeletor over there
must be the DJ.

203
00:10:21,620 --> 00:10:23,120
Can you tell him where to set up?

204
00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:24,580
Yeah. Hey, <i>Trainspotting.</i>

205
00:10:24,580 --> 00:10:27,210
You have any glitchcore?
Wait, is that my boom box?

206
00:10:27,830 --> 00:10:28,670
Yeah.

207
00:10:29,210 --> 00:10:31,920
- Is that my auxiliary cord?
- Yeah.

208
00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:33,710
Oh, do you want my phone?

209
00:10:34,670 --> 00:10:35,670
Nah.

210
00:10:39,630 --> 00:10:40,930
Fucking disgusting.

211
00:10:40,930 --> 00:10:42,550
Hey, don't do that around the kids.

212
00:10:42,550 --> 00:10:45,770
Actually, you know what? Stay away
from the kids. We got music! I think.

213
00:10:45,770 --> 00:10:47,930
Gentlemen, what are you doing up here?
Girls are in the pool.

214
00:10:47,930 --> 00:10:49,100
They're talking about you. Jump in.

215
00:10:49,100 --> 00:10:50,850
Take your shirts off.
Don't piss in my pool.

216
00:10:50,850 --> 00:10:53,440
- Yo, Machine.
- Not today, brother. Not today.

217
00:10:53,440 --> 00:10:56,530
Ladies. Steer clear of the DJ.
Food's to the right, all right?

218
00:10:56,530 --> 00:10:57,900
Hey, Kreischer, no booze?

219
00:10:57,900 --> 00:10:59,820
Hey, Madison's mom, no husband?

220
00:10:59,820 --> 00:11:01,870
Fucking bitch.

221
00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:03,990
Oh, ho-ho-ho!

222
00:11:04,530 --> 00:11:06,950
Killing it, B-Man. Killing it.

223
00:11:10,830 --> 00:11:12,130
Hey there.

224
00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:18,090
Dad?

225
00:11:18,090 --> 00:11:19,340
In the flesh.

226
00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:27,770
I see you haven't given up
trying to learn how to barbecue.

227
00:11:27,770 --> 00:11:29,020
Good for you, son.

228
00:11:29,020 --> 00:11:31,560
Wait, what are you doing here?

229
00:11:32,310 --> 00:11:35,480
Well, I'm not gonna miss
my grandkid's sweet 16.

230
00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:36,940
It's a big day.

231
00:11:38,650 --> 00:11:40,700
Right. Right.

232
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:43,160
Well...

233
00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:57,500
Not gonna flip 'em yet, huh?

234
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,140
Might be... Eh, it's okay, it's okay.

235
00:12:03,140 --> 00:12:04,510
Really?

236
00:12:04,510 --> 00:12:07,140
Well, I just don't want you
to mess 'em up.

237
00:12:07,810 --> 00:12:09,770
You know,
then people will be disappointed.

238
00:12:09,770 --> 00:12:11,140
You'll feel bad.

239
00:12:11,140 --> 00:12:13,690
It'll be all that,
"Huh, remember Bert's barbecue?

240
00:12:13,690 --> 00:12:15,900
- Those burgers, yikes."
- Goddamn it.

241
00:12:15,900 --> 00:12:17,320
Oh, see?

242
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:18,780
Did you add egg to the mix?

243
00:12:18,780 --> 00:12:21,780
- Okay, Dad.
- It binds. It moisturizes.

244
00:12:21,780 --> 00:12:23,320
Makes a much better burger.

245
00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:25,660
- Oh.
- My dad showed up.

246
00:12:25,660 --> 00:12:26,950
- From Florida?
- Yeah.

247
00:12:26,950 --> 00:12:29,870
And it took about two seconds before
he started making me mental with the:

248
00:12:30,790 --> 00:12:33,790
- Look at him!
- Hey, Boo Bear! Hi!

249
00:12:34,290 --> 00:12:35,580
He's a monster.

250
00:12:35,580 --> 00:12:37,000
- Oh!
- Oh.

251
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:39,090
Okay, yeah. Breathe it out there, champ.

252
00:12:39,090 --> 00:12:40,840
-  Hey, hey, Dad?
- Yes!

253
00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:43,050
Yeah, no. The dog's pooping in the pool.

254
00:12:43,050 --> 00:12:44,430
- What?
-  Gross!

255
00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:45,550
Wait, how?

256
00:12:45,550 --> 00:12:48,720
You paid money
to see my son take off his shirt

257
00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:51,270
and tell his made-up story
about robbing a train in Russia?

258
00:12:51,270 --> 00:12:53,480
Dad, for the millionth time,
it's a true story.

259
00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:54,850
It's my job, okay?

260
00:12:54,850 --> 00:12:56,440
And you should get back on-stage.

261
00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:58,730
'Cause I've seen you only,
like, five times.

262
00:12:58,730 --> 00:13:01,150
You paid to see him five times?

263
00:13:01,990 --> 00:13:04,450
I'm just shocked
that people would actually do that.

264
00:13:04,450 --> 00:13:05,450
Dad.

265
00:13:05,450 --> 00:13:07,280
You don't buy carpet five times.

266
00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:11,330
- Bye, Papa.
- Oh, sweetheart.

267
00:13:11,330 --> 00:13:12,660
I'm sorry, I'm gonna go.

268
00:13:12,660 --> 00:13:14,160
Oh, don't worry about that.

269
00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:18,790
And you remember, you can call me anytime
whenever you want to talk about...

270
00:13:18,790 --> 00:13:20,000
Well, you know.

271
00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:23,300
- All right. Bye.
-  Whoa, whoa, whoa!

272
00:13:23,300 --> 00:13:25,180
Wait, where are you going? Hold on.

273
00:13:25,180 --> 00:13:27,010
- Bye, Bert.
- Mr. Kreischer. Hey, stop!

274
00:13:27,010 --> 00:13:28,260
- What?
- Where are you going?

275
00:13:28,260 --> 00:13:30,430
Mads asked me to go to Big Bear
for, like, three days.

276
00:13:30,430 --> 00:13:33,230
You are not going anywhere.
Hey, you're 16 years old.

277
00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:36,310
You're not going to Big Bear 'cause I know
you're gonna drink beer and smoke pot.

278
00:13:36,310 --> 00:13:38,610
I'll be fine because I'm not you. Okay?

279
00:13:38,610 --> 00:13:40,770
Okay, stop. That's fair. That's fair.

280
00:13:40,770 --> 00:13:43,240
I deserve that. I deserve that. Okay?

281
00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:46,400
Hey. Look at me. Look at me. Don't go.

282
00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:47,950
We wrap up this party, me and you,

283
00:13:47,950 --> 00:13:50,080
hang out tonight,
we'll watch <i>Dr. Pimple Popper.</i>

284
00:13:50,780 --> 00:13:53,040
I don't even watch that show anymore, Dad.

285
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:55,120
And I don't even know
half of these people here.

286
00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:56,460
What, are you kidding me?

287
00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:59,040
You know-- What about this guy?
You know this guy.

288
00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:00,290
- Ray Ray.
- You know Ray Ray.

289
00:14:00,290 --> 00:14:02,380
Dad, I said I wanted a small party,

290
00:14:02,380 --> 00:14:04,840
and you promised
that you wouldn't embarrass me.

291
00:14:05,510 --> 00:14:07,180
I'm just trying to be a good dad.

292
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:08,260
See?

293
00:14:08,260 --> 00:14:09,970
It's about you.

294
00:14:09,970 --> 00:14:12,930
- It's always about you!
- What are you talking about?

295
00:14:12,930 --> 00:14:15,680
How did I make it about...?
How did you flip that?

296
00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:17,140
Don't do that! Don't leave!

297
00:14:17,140 --> 00:14:18,900
Don't you flip me off!

298
00:14:18,900 --> 00:14:20,440
Don't you get in that car!

299
00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:22,110
Don't get-- See?

300
00:14:22,110 --> 00:14:24,900
This is the C-word behavior
I was talking about in therapy!

301
00:14:24,900 --> 00:14:27,280
I'm not saying it!
I'm just pointing it out!

302
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:36,500
It's your fat fucking fault! Asshole!

303
00:14:37,330 --> 00:14:38,580
Goddamn it.

304
00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:47,920
Son?

305
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:49,720
Not now, Dad.

306
00:14:50,590 --> 00:14:51,470
Uh...

307
00:14:51,470 --> 00:14:53,050
We should...

308
00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:55,310
You know...

309
00:14:56,310 --> 00:14:58,850
if you're searching for a new path,

310
00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:02,730
there's always room for you
at Kreischer Karpets.

311
00:15:03,940 --> 00:15:06,440
I'm good, Dad, okay? I'm good. I promise.

312
00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:07,650
Just give me a minute.

313
00:15:08,610 --> 00:15:09,610
Well...

314
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:14,080
I just wasn't sure, you know,
how you're making money

315
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:18,160
if you're not doing
the whole comedy thing anymore.

316
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:21,290
Hey, I'm a grown man.

317
00:15:21,290 --> 00:15:22,460
I'll figure it out, okay?

318
00:15:22,460 --> 00:15:24,420
Yeah, all right, all right, you know.

319
00:15:25,170 --> 00:15:26,300
Just trying to help.

320
00:15:26,300 --> 00:15:28,050
Hold on right there.

321
00:15:28,050 --> 00:15:30,760
No, you're not.
You're never trying to help, Dad.

322
00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:31,970
That's the point.

323
00:15:31,970 --> 00:15:35,060
When I got in trouble, what did you say
to me? "Oh, don't be an idiot."

324
00:15:35,060 --> 00:15:38,220
My advice to you was
don't do stupid things in public,

325
00:15:38,220 --> 00:15:40,270
- especially with the children.
- Oh, same thing!

326
00:15:40,270 --> 00:15:41,690
Which is good advice.

327
00:15:41,690 --> 00:15:43,610
And you and Sasha wouldn't be
where you were

328
00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:45,440
if you'd only listened to me.

329
00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:46,860
- Oh, my God.

330
00:15:46,860 --> 00:15:50,110
Ma'am, the party's outside. Okay?

331
00:15:50,110 --> 00:15:51,780
Are you the Machine?

332
00:15:51,780 --> 00:15:53,410
Oh, shit.

333
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:57,080
Yeah, I am.
And I can do a picture in a second.

334
00:15:57,080 --> 00:16:00,210
I'm kind of having
a private moment with my father, okay?

335
00:16:01,870 --> 00:16:04,330
I'm here for the pocket watch

336
00:16:04,330 --> 00:16:08,170
stolen on a train in Russia 23 years ago

337
00:16:08,170 --> 00:16:09,880
by you.

338
00:16:11,170 --> 00:16:12,010
Okay.

339
00:16:12,590 --> 00:16:14,510
I'm having a shitshow day.

340
00:16:14,510 --> 00:16:17,810
So if this is some sort of TikTok prank,
I'm about to lose my fucking shit.

341
00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:21,940
It's definitely a prank.
Clearly, that's a fake gun.

342
00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:24,600
-  Or not!

343
00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:26,650
- She's got a fucking gun, Dad!
- Yeah, I'm clear on that now.

344
00:16:26,650 --> 00:16:28,190
- Sit down!
- Yes, ma'am.

345
00:16:28,190 --> 00:16:32,360
- My name is Irina Ivanona Volgina.

346
00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:35,570
And I suggest you start remembering.

347
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:38,280
It was 20 years ago.
I barely remember that trip.

348
00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:40,700
I don't have a watch,
and it's definitely not here.

349
00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:43,420
Then you're coming with me
back to Russia to find it.

350
00:16:43,420 --> 00:16:44,920
Russia?

351
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:47,000
- Look at your daughter.

352
00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:50,760
So innocent.

353
00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:52,220
So pure.

354
00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:54,880
So vulnerable.

355
00:16:56,140 --> 00:16:57,600
Do you see that man?

356
00:16:58,350 --> 00:16:59,680
DJ Chemo?

357
00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:01,640
He will follow her on her trip.

358
00:17:02,310 --> 00:17:04,060
If you do not find my watch,

359
00:17:04,060 --> 00:17:05,520
he kills her.

360
00:17:08,190 --> 00:17:11,440
If you try to run, he kills her.

361
00:17:13,150 --> 00:17:16,240
You say a word about this to anyone...

362
00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:19,280
he kills her.

363
00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:20,870
Okay. Okay.

364
00:17:20,870 --> 00:17:23,830
I'll do whatever you want.
Just let my daughter go.

365
00:17:25,290 --> 00:17:27,460
Listen, I'll do whatever you want.

366
00:17:28,380 --> 00:17:30,920
Just don't hurt my daughter.
And let my father go, all right?

367
00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:33,340
He wasn't supposed to be here.
He wasn't even invited.

368
00:17:35,010 --> 00:17:38,090
- I'm going with you.
- Dad, you're not going with me.

369
00:17:38,090 --> 00:17:41,100
I wouldn't be able to live with myself
if you failed to protect Sasha.

370
00:17:41,100 --> 00:17:43,890
- Dad, stop! You're not going!
- He goes!

371
00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:47,270
If you need persuading in Russia,

372
00:17:47,270 --> 00:17:48,860
he might be useful.

373
00:17:50,730 --> 00:17:51,900
For torture.

374
00:17:52,610 --> 00:17:53,740
The car is waiting.

375
00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:55,280
We leave now.

376
00:17:58,530 --> 00:18:00,200
Dad, put your fucking hands down.

377
00:18:01,410 --> 00:18:03,200
Excuse me. Hey, Albert?

378
00:18:04,410 --> 00:18:06,040
Hold, hold, hold, wait up.

379
00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:09,250
Oh, my God. I haven't even seen you yet.
I'm so sorry I haven't said hi.

380
00:18:09,250 --> 00:18:10,670
- Hello.
- Hello, dear.

381
00:18:10,670 --> 00:18:12,750
- There are so many people here.
-  Mm-hm.

382
00:18:12,750 --> 00:18:14,630
Hi. Oh, who is this?

383
00:18:14,630 --> 00:18:17,970
Uh... this is our, uh,
Uber driver, uh, Sylvia.

384
00:18:17,970 --> 00:18:19,220
Sylvia.

385
00:18:19,220 --> 00:18:22,720
Hi. Your Uber driver?

386
00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:23,720
Where are you going?

387
00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:25,020
- Uh...
- Um...

388
00:18:26,770 --> 00:18:27,890
Oh, my God.

389
00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:29,690
Yeah. I see what's going on.

390
00:18:29,690 --> 00:18:31,690
You two are gonna follow Sasha
to Big Bear.

391
00:18:31,690 --> 00:18:33,780
- Yes, we are.
- Exactly. Big Bear, yes.

392
00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:35,440
Cool. Great. Well, you know what?

393
00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:37,400
I'll just stay home,
take care of everything,

394
00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:41,950
and the two of you can just fuck off
on your creepy, little, puritanical--

395
00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:50,330
I love you. I'm sorry. Kiss Tats for me.

396
00:18:50,330 --> 00:18:51,420
Dad, let's go.

397
00:18:52,420 --> 00:18:53,420
Where...?

398
00:18:54,130 --> 00:18:55,760
Good work, Kreischers.

399
00:18:57,090 --> 00:19:00,430
This is my bodyguard, Sponge.

400
00:19:00,430 --> 00:19:02,600
Sponge, like you absorb liquids?

401
00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:05,470
Absorb bullets.

402
00:19:26,410 --> 00:19:28,410
Two? You said one.

403
00:19:29,410 --> 00:19:31,420
Still think I made the story up?

404
00:19:31,830 --> 00:19:34,340
You cannot bring both.

405
00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:35,750
Too many questions!

406
00:19:36,670 --> 00:19:38,260
Oh, fuck!

407
00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:41,760
Never tell me what I can do. Ever!

408
00:19:45,390 --> 00:19:46,430
Move it.

409
00:19:56,400 --> 00:20:00,450
They said Machine had ice in veins.

410
00:20:00,450 --> 00:20:02,780
Could walk through the walls.

411
00:20:02,780 --> 00:20:05,660
Drink more than any man.

412
00:20:07,120 --> 00:20:08,950
I grew up hearing this myth.

413
00:20:10,460 --> 00:20:11,540
You.

414
00:20:16,210 --> 00:20:17,590
You're fat.

415
00:20:18,710 --> 00:20:20,550
And you have tits.

416
00:20:20,550 --> 00:20:22,470
Very disturbing.

417
00:20:22,470 --> 00:20:25,470
That's body-shaming. And honestly,
I expect more empathy out of a woman.

418
00:20:25,470 --> 00:20:26,970
Such a disappointment.

419
00:20:26,970 --> 00:20:30,680
Like opening peanuts
and joke snake pop out.

420
00:20:30,680 --> 00:20:32,310
Enjoy your flight, Machine.

421
00:20:32,310 --> 00:20:34,310
It will probably be your last.

422
00:21:12,060 --> 00:21:15,100
All right. When we land,
I'm gonna create a diversion.

423
00:21:15,100 --> 00:21:17,400
What I want you to do
is go to the embassy.

424
00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:18,310
Dad.

425
00:21:18,310 --> 00:21:21,280
Now, these people really know
what they're doing around the grill.

426
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:23,280
How can you eat at a time like this?

427
00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:27,200
Son, I'm a small-business owner
from a "stand your ground" state.

428
00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:28,700
This is like a Tuesday for me.

429
00:21:28,700 --> 00:21:31,450
Machina, the myth.

430
00:21:31,450 --> 00:21:34,120
Your turn, huh?

431
00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:36,920
No, no. I wish I could.
I just got a crown replaced.

432
00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:38,880
- Oh, Machina.

433
00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:41,300
But I have an uneven jaw,
and it took them forever to...

434
00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:42,960
- Hey, Bert.
- What?

435
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:45,970
You want to know
why people respect Kreischer Karpets?

436
00:21:45,970 --> 00:21:48,180
Well, it's definitely
not 'cause you spelled "carpets" with a K.

437
00:21:48,180 --> 00:21:49,680
No, that's just good marketing.

438
00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:54,060
It's because we install anywhere.

439
00:21:54,060 --> 00:21:56,520
- We never show fear.

440
00:21:56,520 --> 00:21:58,020
We face it.

441
00:21:58,020 --> 00:22:02,690
So, Bert, don't show fear.

442
00:22:03,860 --> 00:22:04,860
Wow.

443
00:22:06,950 --> 00:22:08,870
You really shoehorned that message in.

444
00:22:09,530 --> 00:22:12,120
All right, Sponge, I guess I got next.

445
00:22:12,120 --> 00:22:14,370
-  Oh!

446
00:22:14,370 --> 00:22:15,830
Machina,

447
00:22:16,460 --> 00:22:19,500
all I have heard about you,
and you have titty, huh?

448
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:22,750
You're such a large man.

449
00:22:24,050 --> 00:22:25,720
You're so fucking big.

450
00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:28,380
Let's hope this works.

451
00:22:29,550 --> 00:22:34,890
I'm gonna show you
what we in the States call "dad strength."

452
00:22:42,940 --> 00:22:44,030
Funny!

453
00:22:44,030 --> 00:22:45,230
Now...

454
00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:47,820
my turn, huh?

455
00:23:05,380 --> 00:23:08,630
Well, you showed fear.

456
00:23:12,550 --> 00:23:16,600
Son, I think this trip to Russia
could give you some... direction.

457
00:23:17,100 --> 00:23:19,770
Look, I had this with me in Rome.

458
00:23:19,770 --> 00:23:21,600
Saved me more than a few times.

459
00:23:22,190 --> 00:23:23,440
You take care of it...

460
00:23:24,690 --> 00:23:26,150
it will take care of you.

461
00:23:28,860 --> 00:23:30,910
- Your pocketknife?
- Mm-hm.

462
00:23:30,910 --> 00:23:32,200
Ah, thanks, Dad.

463
00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:36,620
We hope our sons grow up to be
the men we wish we could be, Bert.

464
00:23:37,700 --> 00:23:40,040
Maybe this trip
can start you on that path.

465
00:23:40,040 --> 00:23:41,290
And also...

466
00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:45,380
if you lose that knife in Russia,

467
00:23:46,130 --> 00:23:48,590
I will disown you.

468
00:23:48,590 --> 00:23:50,590
Ah, funny story.

469
00:23:52,760 --> 00:23:56,060
I did lose your knife in Russia.

470
00:23:56,060 --> 00:23:57,560
Dad, I'm sorry.

471
00:23:58,640 --> 00:24:00,140
I knew you'd let me down.

472
00:24:01,690 --> 00:24:02,600
You did?

473
00:24:06,110 --> 00:24:07,780
Got your manhood!

474
00:24:07,780 --> 00:24:09,360
Oh, you took my testicles!

475
00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:16,660
- Hey there.
- While you were out,

476
00:24:16,660 --> 00:24:19,080
- your father and I got to know each other.
- Wait.

477
00:24:19,080 --> 00:24:21,910
Also, we watched
<i>Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid.</i>

478
00:24:21,910 --> 00:24:23,250
The ending? Wow.

479
00:24:23,250 --> 00:24:25,250
Dad, that's our movie.

480
00:24:25,250 --> 00:24:27,920
Bert, we have to find this watch.

481
00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:29,550
You stole it. What'd you do with it?

482
00:24:29,550 --> 00:24:32,590
Jesus Christ. It's the top five drunkest
I've ever been in my life.

483
00:24:32,590 --> 00:24:34,760
I'm usually drunk when I tell the story.

484
00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:38,010
- Okay. Okay. Hold on, hold on.

485
00:24:38,010 --> 00:24:41,480
Give me a sec. Let me think. Let me think.
God. I'm not good with guns at my head.

486
00:24:44,650 --> 00:24:46,520
Fedor. What about Fedor?

487
00:24:46,520 --> 00:24:49,530
<i>He was the gangster on the train.
Everything we stole, we gave to him.</i>

488
00:24:49,530 --> 00:24:51,820
Yeah, I talked to Fedor.

489
00:24:51,820 --> 00:24:53,570
He doesn't remember the watch.

490
00:24:53,570 --> 00:24:55,030
So I killed him.

491
00:24:56,160 --> 00:24:57,370
Jesus Christ.

492
00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:00,240
Igor.

493
00:25:02,460 --> 00:25:03,460
Which Igor?

494
00:25:03,460 --> 00:25:05,120
I know like 50 Igors.

495
00:25:05,120 --> 00:25:08,790
Uh, Igor was the mobster
that took care of our class.

496
00:25:08,790 --> 00:25:10,500
He lived with us in the dorms.

497
00:25:10,500 --> 00:25:12,300
Maybe he still lives in the dorms.

498
00:25:12,300 --> 00:25:14,720
Fuck school. Let's party.

499
00:25:16,010 --> 00:25:16,840
Hm.

500
00:25:18,300 --> 00:25:20,100
Then this is where we go.

501
00:25:24,850 --> 00:25:28,940
Can't believe you watched
<i>Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.</i> Fuck.

502
00:25:29,860 --> 00:25:31,650
ST. PETERSBERG

503
00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:47,250
Follow my lead.
If we get a chance, we run.

504
00:25:47,250 --> 00:25:48,630
Is there a problem?

505
00:25:48,630 --> 00:25:53,510
Your documents indicate
11 passengers, but I count 12.

506
00:25:54,510 --> 00:25:55,550
I told you so.

507
00:25:58,180 --> 00:26:00,850
Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad.

508
00:26:00,850 --> 00:26:02,350
Oh, my God. Oh!

509
00:26:03,430 --> 00:26:05,390
He's going down. He's going down.

510
00:26:06,600 --> 00:26:07,600
I count 11.

511
00:26:07,600 --> 00:26:08,690
Jeez Louise!

512
00:26:17,320 --> 00:26:18,410
Wait.

513
00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:20,950
That's me. I'm the Machine.

514
00:26:20,950 --> 00:26:22,790
{\an8}Why am I on a billboard?

515
00:26:22,790 --> 00:26:25,040
{\an8} <i>Da.</i> You famous.

516
00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:27,920
I'm hot folklore in the Soviet Union.

517
00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:30,540
The Soviet Union is dead,
you ignorant fuck!

518
00:26:31,460 --> 00:26:34,050
We're Russia. We're strong.

519
00:26:34,050 --> 00:26:35,050
We're here.

520
00:26:37,470 --> 00:26:39,470
They turned it into condos.

521
00:26:41,430 --> 00:26:42,720
Oh, hello there.

522
00:26:43,140 --> 00:26:43,970
Ha!

523
00:26:44,390 --> 00:26:47,020
Hey, Dad, this isn't Orlando.
Quit trying to work a threesome.

524
00:26:47,020 --> 00:26:48,690
Put it back in your pants.

525
00:26:48,690 --> 00:26:50,770
Well, that was rude.

526
00:26:50,770 --> 00:26:52,110
Move.

527
00:26:52,110 --> 00:26:53,900
Hey, here's where we took classes.

528
00:26:55,030 --> 00:26:56,280
This is where I met Igor.

529
00:26:59,030 --> 00:27:01,660
Wow. Twenty-three years ago.

530
00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:04,200
I should've taken more pictures
of my dick.

531
00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:09,620
<i>♪ I don't practice Santeria
I ain't got no crystal ball ♪</i>

532
00:27:09,620 --> 00:27:15,340
<i>♪ Well, I had a million dollars
But I'd, I'd spend it all ♪</i>

533
00:27:15,340 --> 00:27:20,550
<i>♪ If I could find that jaina
And that sancho that she's found ♪</i>

534
00:27:20,550 --> 00:27:23,720
<i>♪ Well, I'd pop a cap in sancho
And I'd slap her down... ♪</i>

535
00:27:23,720 --> 00:27:25,140
THE DORMS

536
00:27:25,140 --> 00:27:26,930
<i>Okay, class, listen up.</i>

537
00:27:27,640 --> 00:27:30,480
Do not expect an easy course load.

538
00:27:30,480 --> 00:27:31,900
It isn't a vacation.

539
00:27:31,900 --> 00:27:36,070
Your goal is to culturally bond
with the indigenous citizens.

540
00:27:36,730 --> 00:27:40,650
This is Igor. He is a <i>banditti.</i>
You will be taking courses...

541
00:27:40,650 --> 00:27:43,490
I actually don't speak much Russian.
What is <i>"banditti"?</i>

542
00:27:43,490 --> 00:27:46,910
Oh, um, <i>"banditti"</i>
is the Russian word for mobster.

543
00:27:47,500 --> 00:27:50,370
This is a class trip.
How come we've never met?

544
00:27:50,370 --> 00:27:53,130
Oh, I don't go to class much. I'm Bert.

545
00:27:53,130 --> 00:27:54,880
Oh, Ashley.

546
00:27:54,880 --> 00:27:57,050
But Russia is a dangerous place.

547
00:27:57,050 --> 00:27:58,710
Igor is our fixer.

548
00:27:58,710 --> 00:28:01,470
He is only here for your protection.

549
00:28:02,300 --> 00:28:03,590
He is very dangerous.

550
00:28:03,590 --> 00:28:04,510
Oh!

551
00:28:07,770 --> 00:28:10,810
You are not to talk to
or hang out with him.

552
00:28:10,810 --> 00:28:13,020
All I want to do is hang out with him.

553
00:28:13,020 --> 00:28:16,230
<i>I never know what to believe
about what you say happened back then.</i>

554
00:28:16,230 --> 00:28:19,150
You do have a very active imagination.

555
00:28:19,150 --> 00:28:20,820
I imagine.

556
00:28:20,820 --> 00:28:23,950
- That's my issue.
- Well, one of them.

557
00:28:23,950 --> 00:28:27,080
My father and I
have a similar relationship.

558
00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:29,660
What the fuck is this thing?
Is it an iPad?

559
00:28:30,370 --> 00:28:31,790
I got this, son.

560
00:28:31,790 --> 00:28:33,960
I am an Eagle Scout.

561
00:28:35,210 --> 00:28:36,630
What is an Eagle Scout?

562
00:28:36,630 --> 00:28:38,340
It's like if James Bond was a Mormon.

563
00:28:38,340 --> 00:28:40,590
An Eagle Scout can get in anywhere.

564
00:28:40,590 --> 00:28:42,840
You'd know that
if you'd become an Eagle Scout.

565
00:28:42,840 --> 00:28:45,050
But no...

566
00:28:48,510 --> 00:28:50,350
My fist is Eagle Scout.

567
00:28:52,180 --> 00:28:53,520
I'll wait in the car.

568
00:28:55,020 --> 00:28:56,940
He has impulse-control issue.

569
00:28:56,940 --> 00:28:57,860
Very sad.

570
00:28:57,860 --> 00:28:59,440
Yeah. Steroids will do that to you.

571
00:28:59,440 --> 00:29:02,490
{\an8}- They really dressed this place up.

572
00:29:03,490 --> 00:29:05,780
Still have the world's smallest elevator.

573
00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:13,750
Tell Vanya they are here.

574
00:29:16,130 --> 00:29:17,710
Holy shit.

575
00:29:18,380 --> 00:29:21,300
There was a woman that sat right there.

576
00:29:21,300 --> 00:29:23,970
She absolutely loved me.

577
00:29:23,970 --> 00:29:26,590
Igor's room was all the way down
to the right.

578
00:29:27,430 --> 00:29:29,510
I took a shit on a pizza box right there.

579
00:29:29,510 --> 00:29:31,430
Jesus, son.

580
00:29:31,430 --> 00:29:33,430
Eh, it got mixed reviews.

581
00:29:34,440 --> 00:29:37,350
Honestly,
if I hadn't sprained that finger,

582
00:29:37,350 --> 00:29:39,150
probably would've made it to the league.

583
00:29:39,150 --> 00:29:41,320
But, you know,
I wasn't about to lose a thumb war

584
00:29:41,320 --> 00:29:43,150
to a 12-year-old, you know?

585
00:29:43,650 --> 00:29:45,030
Here you go, <i>dabushka.</i>

586
00:29:45,030 --> 00:29:47,030
Gifts from your American friend.

587
00:29:47,030 --> 00:29:48,620
- Ah.

588
00:29:48,620 --> 00:29:51,410
Gifts are a very important aspect
of Russian life, Ash.

589
00:29:51,410 --> 00:29:53,500
- Bet you didn't know that.
-  Mm.

590
00:29:53,500 --> 00:29:55,500
Bet you didn't know your fly was down.

591
00:29:57,830 --> 00:29:59,960
<i>Why are you telling us this?</i>

592
00:29:59,960 --> 00:30:01,050
<i>Sorry.</i>

593
00:30:01,050 --> 00:30:02,760
<i>Lot of memories being back here.</i>

594
00:30:06,510 --> 00:30:09,680
Whoa, you live right across
from Igor and the <i>banditti?</i>

595
00:30:09,680 --> 00:30:12,060
Do you ever hear, like,
screams coming from their room?

596
00:30:12,060 --> 00:30:13,180
No, not really.

597
00:30:14,270 --> 00:30:15,270
Look at them.

598
00:30:15,810 --> 00:30:17,560
They're magnificent.

599
00:30:17,560 --> 00:30:20,110
How do I talk to them?
How do I say my name?

600
00:30:23,360 --> 00:30:24,740
<i>I planned the perfect sentence.</i>

601
00:30:26,990 --> 00:30:30,280
<i>But the second I was face-to-face
with a real Russian gangster,</i>

602
00:30:30,280 --> 00:30:31,490
<i>I panicked.</i>

603
00:30:32,240 --> 00:30:33,490
<i>Ya machina.</i>

604
00:30:39,630 --> 00:30:41,130
<i>Ya machina.</i>

605
00:30:41,750 --> 00:30:43,750
"Muchina" <i>means badass.</i>

606
00:30:43,750 --> 00:30:45,710
"Machina" <i>means machine.</i>

607
00:30:45,710 --> 00:30:47,420
<i>I said I was the Machine.</i>

608
00:30:47,420 --> 00:30:48,970
<i>You're an idiot.</i>

609
00:30:50,180 --> 00:30:51,680
<i>Ya machina.</i>

610
00:30:53,140 --> 00:30:55,140
-  <i>Luckily...</i>

611
00:30:55,140 --> 00:30:56,520
<i>they thought it was hilarious.</i>

612
00:30:56,520 --> 00:30:58,140
<i>On machina!</i>

613
00:30:59,560 --> 00:31:02,480
<i>They introduced me to their world,
and I introduced them to mine.</i>

614
00:31:02,480 --> 00:31:05,110
<i>Vodka, lemon, two teaspoons of sugar.</i>

615
00:31:05,110 --> 00:31:07,650
<i>- These are called lemon drops.</i>
- They're called lemon drops.

616
00:31:07,650 --> 00:31:11,990
Okay, they're from Florida,
and they're fucking delicious!

617
00:31:11,990 --> 00:31:14,990
The Machine is powered by lemons!

618
00:31:14,990 --> 00:31:18,210
<i>And the legend of the Machine was born.</i>

619
00:31:22,500 --> 00:31:23,880
All right, all right, all right.

620
00:31:23,880 --> 00:31:27,260
This next one's a little thing
I like to call Beavis and Butt-Head.

621
00:31:29,090 --> 00:31:30,470
His head is a butt!

622
00:31:30,470 --> 00:31:33,140
<i>They had no frame of reference
for American culture.</i>

623
00:31:33,140 --> 00:31:35,930
Do I make you horny?

624
00:31:35,930 --> 00:31:38,180
<i>Austin Powers? Really?</i>

625
00:31:38,180 --> 00:31:39,310
<i>Shut up, Dad.</i>

626
00:31:40,190 --> 00:31:42,940
<i>So I stole from the best,
and they thought it was me.</i>

627
00:31:44,440 --> 00:31:47,780
<i>To them, I was just some crazy genius
who could out-drink 'em all.</i>

628
00:31:47,780 --> 00:31:50,360
- I'm the Machine!

629
00:31:56,240 --> 00:31:58,290
I call this the "Macarena."

630
00:32:00,830 --> 00:32:02,120
<i>Word spread fast.</i>

631
00:32:02,120 --> 00:32:05,130
<i>And the legend of the Machine
just kept growing.</i>

632
00:32:09,470 --> 00:32:12,050
<i>Everyone in Russia heard the stories.</i>

633
00:32:12,050 --> 00:32:14,140
<i>You were folklore.</i>

634
00:32:14,140 --> 00:32:15,970
-<i>I was good for Igor's business.</i>

635
00:32:15,970 --> 00:32:17,430
<i>People paid him to party with me.</i>

636
00:32:17,430 --> 00:32:18,890
<i>Wait! The stash hole!</i>

637
00:32:19,560 --> 00:32:22,230
Igor's room has a stash hole in it,
in the wall.

638
00:32:22,230 --> 00:32:24,810
And what does he keep in this hole?

639
00:32:24,810 --> 00:32:26,150
Beanie Babies.

640
00:32:26,650 --> 00:32:28,730
Come on. Drugs, money and porn.
You're in the mob.

641
00:32:28,730 --> 00:32:31,530
But maybe there's something in there
that can tell us how to find him.

642
00:32:31,530 --> 00:32:32,950
It's this one right here.

643
00:32:32,950 --> 00:32:36,120
I hope so, for your daughter's sake.

644
00:32:40,410 --> 00:32:41,290
Oi!

645
00:32:41,290 --> 00:32:45,630
- That's feminism. You asked for it.
- Fuck you! Pussy woman-boy!

646
00:32:45,630 --> 00:32:47,840
Well, I see wokeness
hasn't made its way to Russia.

647
00:33:03,690 --> 00:33:06,230
- The hole?
- Yeah, right.

648
00:33:06,900 --> 00:33:07,900
All right.

649
00:33:08,570 --> 00:33:10,860
That wall used to go all the way down.

650
00:33:11,490 --> 00:33:12,860
If I'm not mistaken...

651
00:33:16,450 --> 00:33:17,450
Ah!

652
00:33:17,450 --> 00:33:18,410
Bingo.

653
00:33:23,660 --> 00:33:25,460
No watch.

654
00:33:25,460 --> 00:33:27,210
This is something way better.

655
00:33:27,210 --> 00:33:28,880
One of Ash's pot brownies, Dad.

656
00:33:28,880 --> 00:33:31,130
These things were gold back in the day.

657
00:33:31,130 --> 00:33:34,840
Why would anyone keep
20-year-old marijuana brownies?

658
00:33:34,840 --> 00:33:38,220
Ashley's pot brownies
are the best thing I've ever tasted.

659
00:33:38,220 --> 00:33:40,560
They're mad strong, though,
so only eat a little.

660
00:33:42,390 --> 00:33:45,350
- Don't fuck.

661
00:33:45,350 --> 00:33:47,230
You're fucking with me, man.

662
00:33:47,860 --> 00:33:49,440
Go fuck yourself.

663
00:33:51,400 --> 00:33:53,150
Hey, how'd you become a <i>banditti?</i>

664
00:33:54,450 --> 00:33:55,450
One day,

665
00:33:56,950 --> 00:33:58,200
man told me,

666
00:33:58,200 --> 00:34:01,540
"Igor, help me with this thing."

667
00:34:03,500 --> 00:34:04,620
Thing was mafia.

668
00:34:04,620 --> 00:34:06,870
'Cause if I get hungry, I get hangry,
and everybody knows

669
00:34:06,870 --> 00:34:09,420
marijuana goes bad after time.
It's like the reverse of pickles.

670
00:34:09,420 --> 00:34:12,250
So no Igor, no watch.

671
00:34:12,250 --> 00:34:15,220
Just old money and pickle weed.

672
00:34:15,840 --> 00:34:17,930
This is not good for you, Bert.

673
00:34:17,930 --> 00:34:20,510
-  Fuck you.

674
00:34:20,510 --> 00:34:21,810
Vanya.

675
00:34:21,810 --> 00:34:23,560
It's not good for you either.

676
00:34:23,560 --> 00:34:25,310
VANYA

677
00:34:25,310 --> 00:34:27,270
What are you doing here?

678
00:34:29,860 --> 00:34:31,520
He is Machina?

679
00:34:31,520 --> 00:34:32,650
The man's man?

680
00:34:32,650 --> 00:34:34,190
Nah.

681
00:34:34,190 --> 00:34:37,110
He has, uh... breasts.

682
00:34:43,870 --> 00:34:46,160
Your friend, Igor,

683
00:34:46,960 --> 00:34:49,540
he took over the trains to Moscow.

684
00:34:50,130 --> 00:34:52,500
And now I know where to find the watch.

685
00:34:52,500 --> 00:34:54,380
How do you know Igor runs trains?

686
00:34:54,380 --> 00:34:55,590
Because...

687
00:34:56,550 --> 00:34:57,970
I am respected.

688
00:35:01,010 --> 00:35:03,600
I make it my job to know these things.

689
00:35:03,600 --> 00:35:04,680
You?

690
00:35:07,270 --> 00:35:08,810
You are foolish woman.

691
00:35:09,520 --> 00:35:11,360
Playing pretend.

692
00:35:18,490 --> 00:35:19,820
I do not play.

693
00:35:24,870 --> 00:35:26,370
- Oh!

694
00:35:27,750 --> 00:35:29,750
Holy cow!

695
00:35:33,380 --> 00:35:35,050
You're an insolent child, Vanya.

696
00:35:35,050 --> 00:35:38,380
Now you come with me on train
or you go out window.

697
00:35:39,470 --> 00:35:42,090
- All right, let's go, Dad. Come on.
- Yeah, let's go. Let's go.

698
00:35:43,300 --> 00:35:44,300
See you around.

699
00:35:47,600 --> 00:35:48,930
Put your hands down.

700
00:35:51,730 --> 00:35:53,690
Well, this is wonderful.

701
00:35:53,690 --> 00:35:55,690
We're about to be killed by gangsters.

702
00:35:55,690 --> 00:35:57,820
And you're pocketing ancient pot brownies.

703
00:35:57,820 --> 00:36:00,820
You say shit like that and you wonder
why we haven't visited in three years.

704
00:36:00,820 --> 00:36:02,030
- So now it's my fault?
- Yeah.

705
00:36:02,030 --> 00:36:03,910
I don't want to be around that shit,
and neither do my kids.

706
00:36:03,910 --> 00:36:05,950
Your kids are great.
Don't bring them into this.

707
00:36:05,950 --> 00:36:08,830
Oh, I know they're great, Dad.
They're my kids.

708
00:36:08,830 --> 00:36:12,250
You know, your problem is
you live this life where you get rewarded

709
00:36:12,250 --> 00:36:15,290
for indulging in your worst tendencies.

710
00:36:27,680 --> 00:36:29,270
Let's hope that was an adjustment.

711
00:36:30,680 --> 00:36:32,060
Meet you downstairs.

712
00:36:54,040 --> 00:36:56,250
Well, we should be safe in here.

713
00:37:15,480 --> 00:37:16,360
I got you, son!

714
00:37:16,360 --> 00:37:17,810
No, I got you! I'm covering you!

715
00:37:17,810 --> 00:37:19,570
- Everything's under control!
- No!

716
00:37:44,800 --> 00:37:46,340
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

717
00:37:46,340 --> 00:37:47,550
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

718
00:38:03,150 --> 00:38:05,320
- Lift!
- No! No, no! Close, close!

719
00:38:05,320 --> 00:38:07,740
-  Close the door!
- Shoot back, idiots!

720
00:38:13,500 --> 00:38:16,620
I will present the boss
with your head, Machina!

721
00:38:16,620 --> 00:38:17,710
Dad.

722
00:38:17,710 --> 00:38:19,880
I can't use that.

723
00:38:19,880 --> 00:38:22,460
After I read Mandela's biography,

724
00:38:22,460 --> 00:38:25,920
I made a vow of nonviolence.

725
00:38:25,920 --> 00:38:27,470
You are dead!

726
00:38:27,470 --> 00:38:28,680
Dead!

727
00:38:28,680 --> 00:38:30,890
Fine. I'm just gonna shoot him in the leg.

728
00:38:58,120 --> 00:38:59,460
Let's go, dickheads!

729
00:39:06,210 --> 00:39:07,760
Goddamn it. Let go.

730
00:39:07,760 --> 00:39:09,930
No! I'm glad you're alive! Let go of me!

731
00:39:09,930 --> 00:39:12,140
-  Get in the car, son.
- I'm trying, Dad!

732
00:39:26,530 --> 00:39:27,690
Sponge!

733
00:39:28,360 --> 00:39:30,110
What happened to the fucking car?

734
00:39:30,700 --> 00:39:32,030
So bad. This is not going away.

735
00:39:32,030 --> 00:39:33,370
We need to get on that train!

736
00:39:34,160 --> 00:39:35,580
I'm gonna meet the devil.

737
00:39:35,580 --> 00:39:37,250
I'm going to fucking hell.

738
00:39:37,250 --> 00:39:38,750
- Oh, shit.
-  I'm at my lake house.

739
00:39:38,750 --> 00:39:40,580
- Goddamn it.
-  The fish are jumping.

740
00:39:40,580 --> 00:39:44,420
- I'm having mac and cheese for dinner.
- Are you doing breathing exercises?

741
00:39:44,420 --> 00:39:46,550
You can't do breathing exercises
for murder, Dad.

742
00:39:46,550 --> 00:39:47,920
I killed a man.

743
00:39:47,920 --> 00:39:50,800
Well, technically, you killed several men.

744
00:39:50,800 --> 00:39:52,430
Oh, God! You're not helping!

745
00:39:52,430 --> 00:39:53,890
-  Hey.
- What?

746
00:39:54,970 --> 00:39:56,100
It happens.

747
00:39:56,100 --> 00:39:58,100
I'm not gonna start smoking cigarettes.

748
00:39:58,100 --> 00:40:01,020
No, it doesn't happen.
A speeding ticket, that happens.

749
00:40:01,020 --> 00:40:03,730
Shitting your pants at Best Buy,
that happens.

750
00:40:04,520 --> 00:40:06,440
My brother Vanya was an asshole.

751
00:40:06,440 --> 00:40:08,190
Oh!

752
00:40:08,190 --> 00:40:10,200
Brother? Like your real brother?

753
00:40:10,200 --> 00:40:12,240
Like your mom and dad
are the same mom and dad?

754
00:40:12,240 --> 00:40:13,410
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

755
00:40:13,410 --> 00:40:15,580
- I didn't know he was your brother.
- Don't be.

756
00:40:15,580 --> 00:40:17,660
There is a power struggle in the mob.

757
00:40:17,660 --> 00:40:20,370
As oldest,
I will inherit my father's empire,

758
00:40:20,370 --> 00:40:22,420
but Vanya wants control.

759
00:40:22,420 --> 00:40:23,960
Wanted control.

760
00:40:24,840 --> 00:40:27,090
- He's dead.
- Oh, my God.

761
00:40:27,090 --> 00:40:28,800
I'm still getting used to it.

762
00:40:28,800 --> 00:40:32,590
What the fuck is happening?
Get me the fuck out of here.

763
00:40:32,590 --> 00:40:35,010
Many others also want control.

764
00:40:35,010 --> 00:40:36,970
They say I cannot run mob
because I'm woman.

765
00:40:36,970 --> 00:40:38,100
This isn't happening.

766
00:40:38,100 --> 00:40:39,020
Boss.

767
00:40:41,690 --> 00:40:42,770
Dad.

768
00:40:44,400 --> 00:40:46,730
Give me some life advice,
some words of wisdom.

769
00:40:48,440 --> 00:40:50,070
Everybody's got to die sometime.

770
00:40:50,740 --> 00:40:51,740
That's it?

771
00:40:52,360 --> 00:40:53,610
That's your advice?

772
00:40:53,610 --> 00:40:55,910
Well, what do you want me to say?

773
00:40:55,910 --> 00:40:58,490
That vulnerability is scary
and it's hard to open up?

774
00:40:58,490 --> 00:41:00,830
Yeah, Dad. That would've been great.

775
00:41:00,830 --> 00:41:02,080
Son.

776
00:41:02,080 --> 00:41:04,540
It was your mother
that was the coddler, not me.

777
00:41:11,010 --> 00:41:13,130
Jesus. We got it, Sasquatch.

778
00:41:25,400 --> 00:41:26,560
Igor. Igor.

779
00:41:27,980 --> 00:41:29,150
I'm coming. I'm coming.

780
00:41:34,030 --> 00:41:34,860
Hey.

781
00:41:38,740 --> 00:41:41,290
My brother would have shot me
if he had a chance.

782
00:41:43,460 --> 00:41:46,250
Thank you for making his death very fast.

783
00:41:47,960 --> 00:41:50,090
Well, then, can I real quick
call my daughter,

784
00:41:50,090 --> 00:41:51,960
just to make sure she's okay?

785
00:41:51,960 --> 00:41:53,010
Don't push it.

786
00:42:08,520 --> 00:42:11,610
Now, this is the kind
of Russian architecture I wanted to see.

787
00:42:11,610 --> 00:42:13,570
We're not on a sightseeing tour, Dad.

788
00:42:14,900 --> 00:42:17,110
Hey, Irina,
I think this is gonna be great.

789
00:42:17,110 --> 00:42:19,990
We'll find Igor, we'll get your watch,
and then you can let us go, right?

790
00:42:20,700 --> 00:42:21,990
Holy cow.

791
00:42:21,990 --> 00:42:24,120
This place hasn't changed a bit.

792
00:42:26,330 --> 00:42:28,000
Oh. Right there.

793
00:42:28,000 --> 00:42:30,340
That's where Igor introduced me
to the train <i>banditti.</i>

794
00:42:31,040 --> 00:42:33,590
I cannot go on your student trip
to Moscow.

795
00:42:33,590 --> 00:42:34,550
- What?
- Yeah.

796
00:42:34,550 --> 00:42:36,760
Different mafia runs train.

797
00:42:36,760 --> 00:42:38,470
Igor, what am I supposed to do here?

798
00:42:39,510 --> 00:42:40,930
What you always do.

799
00:42:41,470 --> 00:42:42,930
This is Machine!

800
00:42:43,720 --> 00:42:47,020
If you give Machine vodka,
you have great time.

801
00:42:48,230 --> 00:42:50,360
Come on, show them your character.

802
00:42:50,360 --> 00:42:52,270
British horny man. Come on.

803
00:42:53,860 --> 00:42:56,530
Do I make you horny, baby?

804
00:42:58,950 --> 00:43:01,910
- Do I make you randy? Yeah.
- It's classic.

805
00:43:01,910 --> 00:43:04,660
<i>You really like</i> Austin Powers.

806
00:43:04,660 --> 00:43:07,330
Yeah. It was really big in the late '90s.
Give me a break, okay?

807
00:43:07,330 --> 00:43:08,710
I get it.

808
00:43:09,750 --> 00:43:11,380
I get why they liked you.

809
00:43:11,380 --> 00:43:12,500
Wow, thanks, Dad.

810
00:43:12,500 --> 00:43:15,920
Your toxic masculinity was lighthearted
and progressive to them.

811
00:43:15,920 --> 00:43:18,510
Yeah, well, your compliment sounds
a little bit like a slam.

812
00:43:18,510 --> 00:43:21,720
- Quiet, fucked-up father-son.
-  Boss.

813
00:43:23,930 --> 00:43:25,720
This is the Moscow line.

814
00:43:26,640 --> 00:43:29,890
If Igor runs trains,
this is where he will be.

815
00:43:30,650 --> 00:43:32,360
Be careful.

816
00:43:32,360 --> 00:43:34,230
Train mob is very dangerous.

817
00:43:34,230 --> 00:43:36,070
Don't worry. Igor's my boy.

818
00:43:36,070 --> 00:43:37,650
If he's here, we're all set.

819
00:43:37,650 --> 00:43:40,160
Yes, but he knows you.

820
00:43:40,160 --> 00:43:41,530
They don't.

821
00:43:41,530 --> 00:43:44,580
They look like they're cosplaying
<i>American History X.</i>

822
00:43:44,580 --> 00:43:46,450
Let's go down further.

823
00:43:46,450 --> 00:43:47,830
<i>Less eyes.</i>

824
00:44:02,340 --> 00:44:03,350
Hello.

825
00:44:03,850 --> 00:44:06,100
You cannot park there.

826
00:44:11,020 --> 00:44:12,730
Bring me to Igor.

827
00:44:12,730 --> 00:44:14,360
Yes, sir.

828
00:44:17,230 --> 00:44:19,570
Doesn't that sound
mean the train's departing?

829
00:44:19,570 --> 00:44:21,820
- Get on!
- Wait, what's the plan? What are we doing?

830
00:44:21,820 --> 00:44:24,240
We stay on train till we find Igor.

831
00:44:24,240 --> 00:44:27,240
Get the plane, meet me in Moscow
with the rest of the men.

832
00:44:28,540 --> 00:44:31,370
I cannot believe
I'm doing this Moscow trip over again.

833
00:44:31,370 --> 00:44:32,830
-  Move.
-  Wow.

834
00:44:32,830 --> 00:44:35,630
This train smells exactly
like it did in '98.

835
00:44:36,800 --> 00:44:38,800
THE TRAIN

836
00:44:38,800 --> 00:44:41,930
It smells like cabbage and grandmas.

837
00:44:41,930 --> 00:44:45,600
So long, Saint Petersburg! Hello, Moscow!

838
00:44:45,600 --> 00:44:46,720
Oh, sorry.

839
00:44:49,970 --> 00:44:52,640
Why does everyone here look like
they want to punch me in the face?

840
00:44:52,640 --> 00:44:54,520
It's improper to smile in Russia, Bert.

841
00:44:54,520 --> 00:44:56,060
You save it for the people you love.

842
00:44:56,900 --> 00:44:57,900
Do you?

843
00:44:58,570 --> 00:45:00,530
- Really?
- What even is that?

844
00:45:00,530 --> 00:45:03,610
So you want to stay up all night
in the bar car or...?

845
00:45:03,610 --> 00:45:07,160
I don't know how you can drink so much
and never gain any weight.

846
00:45:07,160 --> 00:45:09,120
I just have really great genes.

847
00:45:11,910 --> 00:45:14,420
Do you maybe want to hang
in my cabin instead?

848
00:45:15,380 --> 00:45:16,460
<i>I did.</i>

849
00:45:16,460 --> 00:45:18,340
<i>I definitely did.</i>

850
00:45:20,460 --> 00:45:21,970
Fucking idiot. Fuck.

851
00:45:22,760 --> 00:45:24,970
Thanks, Dad, for the dull fucking knife.

852
00:45:25,840 --> 00:45:30,640
{\an8}♪ How could a person like me care for you?
Why do I bother...? ♪

853
00:45:30,640 --> 00:45:32,520
Ash. Hey.

854
00:45:36,560 --> 00:45:41,400
<i>♪ No
I saw the sign... ♪</i>

855
00:45:41,400 --> 00:45:42,320
Yeah.

856
00:45:42,990 --> 00:45:44,360
Fucking ow.

857
00:45:44,360 --> 00:45:46,780
<i>♪ Without understanding... ♪</i>

858
00:45:46,780 --> 00:45:47,700
Oh, jeez.

859
00:45:49,280 --> 00:45:50,330
Way too much.

860
00:45:50,330 --> 00:45:52,200
<i>♪ I saw the sign ♪</i>

861
00:45:52,200 --> 00:45:53,290
Yeah.

862
00:45:53,290 --> 00:45:59,090
<i>♪ I saw the sign ♪</i>

863
00:46:00,040 --> 00:46:03,260
<i>♪ And it opened up my eyes
I saw the sign ♪</i>

864
00:46:03,260 --> 00:46:05,090
- Hey.
- Hey, what are you doing?

865
00:46:05,090 --> 00:46:06,890
Uh, not much.

866
00:46:06,890 --> 00:46:08,850
I don't know. It's pretty crazy in there.

867
00:46:09,550 --> 00:46:11,600
So you still want to hang out?
It's cool if not.

868
00:46:11,600 --> 00:46:13,890
You know, I'm a big fan
of romantic buildup.

869
00:46:13,890 --> 00:46:14,810
Oh, yeah?

870
00:46:14,810 --> 00:46:17,650
Yeah. Like, I don't even think Ross
and Rachel should be together yet.

871
00:46:17,650 --> 00:46:18,610
No way. Me neither.

872
00:46:18,610 --> 00:46:20,690
-  Right? Save it for the millennium.
-  Yeah.

873
00:46:20,690 --> 00:46:22,440
- I kind of think we should...
-  You.

874
00:46:24,990 --> 00:46:26,070
Hey.

875
00:46:27,910 --> 00:46:30,030
You are one they call Machine?

876
00:46:31,910 --> 00:46:33,620
Yeah, uh, that's me.

877
00:46:34,290 --> 00:46:35,250
Hm.

878
00:46:38,120 --> 00:46:40,210
<i>Fedor was the boss of the train</i> banditti.

879
00:46:40,210 --> 00:46:42,050
<i>He smelled like nicotine patches</i>

880
00:46:42,050 --> 00:46:44,840
<i>and looked at me
the way Ted Bundy looked at coeds.</i>

881
00:46:44,840 --> 00:46:46,800
<i>It was horrible.</i>

882
00:46:46,800 --> 00:46:50,140
Machine does not ride
with the peasants. Come, come.

883
00:46:52,850 --> 00:46:56,520
Uh, Ashley, I'm gonna go hang out
with these scary dudes for a little bit,

884
00:46:56,520 --> 00:46:58,900
and then I'll be right back, okay?
I'll check back in.

885
00:46:58,900 --> 00:47:01,060
FYI, I'm a good bed sharer.

886
00:47:01,060 --> 00:47:03,270
Okay? Fun to cuddle with,
no night farts...

887
00:47:03,270 --> 00:47:06,780
<i>You left that girl,
so you could hang out with a criminal?</i>

888
00:47:06,780 --> 00:47:09,450
<i>He's right. She was a sure thing.</i>

889
00:47:09,450 --> 00:47:12,830
<i>Yeah, well, I've never been good
with sure things.</i>

890
00:47:12,830 --> 00:47:14,870
<i>But Fedor took me to the bar car.</i>

891
00:47:14,870 --> 00:47:18,670
<i>This place had booze, drugs,
and here's the real gangster part.</i>

892
00:47:18,670 --> 00:47:21,000
This is the Machine.

893
00:47:23,090 --> 00:47:24,380
<i>They knew who I was.</i>

894
00:47:25,300 --> 00:47:27,050
They like you, huh?

895
00:47:27,970 --> 00:47:30,590
<i>I guarantee this is where we'll find Igor.</i>

896
00:47:32,510 --> 00:47:33,350
Wow.

897
00:47:33,350 --> 00:47:35,390
I guess nobody parties
in the bar car anymore.

898
00:47:35,390 --> 00:47:37,230
Hm. Especially Igor.

899
00:47:39,810 --> 00:47:42,230
You know, 23-year-old me loved this place.

900
00:47:42,230 --> 00:47:44,110
Now it looks like a truck-stop bathroom.

901
00:47:44,770 --> 00:47:48,400
I think your therapist would call that
"growth people notice."

902
00:47:50,240 --> 00:47:51,240
Wait.

903
00:47:52,370 --> 00:47:53,990
Did LeeAnn tell you I was in therapy?

904
00:47:56,330 --> 00:47:57,330
Well...

905
00:47:58,250 --> 00:48:00,580
when she called to invite me to the party,

906
00:48:00,580 --> 00:48:02,750
she opened up about
what you're going through.

907
00:48:02,750 --> 00:48:06,000
After Sasha's arrest,
we were both worried you'd...

908
00:48:06,500 --> 00:48:08,050
well, you know, mess up again.

909
00:48:08,050 --> 00:48:09,880
Motherfucker!

910
00:48:09,880 --> 00:48:11,260
Does no one trust me?

911
00:48:11,260 --> 00:48:13,760
Or am I the guy
that's only gonna mess up again?

912
00:48:13,760 --> 00:48:15,600
- You're making a scene.
- A scene?

913
00:48:15,600 --> 00:48:18,560
I pay my bills by making a scene!

914
00:48:18,560 --> 00:48:21,020
I rip my shirt off and yell,
"I'm the Machine!"

915
00:48:21,020 --> 00:48:22,100
Hey!

916
00:48:22,100 --> 00:48:25,610
- Who says, "I am Machine"?

917
00:48:27,230 --> 00:48:28,230
You?

918
00:48:29,150 --> 00:48:31,610
They say Machine can walk through walls.

919
00:48:32,490 --> 00:48:34,320
Only a ghost can do that.

920
00:48:35,330 --> 00:48:36,330
You...

921
00:48:37,120 --> 00:48:38,120
you are not Machine.

922
00:48:41,210 --> 00:48:43,710
You want to see the fucking Machine?
They want to see the Machine.

923
00:48:43,710 --> 00:48:46,040
- You're getting the fucking Machine.
- Hey, where you going?

924
00:48:46,040 --> 00:48:48,250
First up,
I don't normally do this for free.

925
00:48:48,250 --> 00:48:50,050
Secondly, you're dressed like dickheads.

926
00:48:50,050 --> 00:48:52,050
Matching Nazi dickheads.

927
00:48:52,050 --> 00:48:54,340
And third, you say it three times
and he shows up.

928
00:48:54,340 --> 00:48:55,640
It's a lot like Candyman.

929
00:48:56,220 --> 00:48:57,760
{\an8}You've already said it twice.

930
00:48:59,270 --> 00:49:00,270
That's me.

931
00:49:01,060 --> 00:49:04,400
That's me on this bottle of vodka
that says "The Machine."

932
00:49:04,400 --> 00:49:05,560
What are you doing?

933
00:49:05,560 --> 00:49:07,110
- Dad, sit down!
- Ah!

934
00:49:08,690 --> 00:49:10,690
I think we need to call the boss.

935
00:49:12,900 --> 00:49:14,700
- Igor.
- Igor?

936
00:49:14,700 --> 00:49:16,950
This guy says he's the Machine.

937
00:49:17,620 --> 00:49:19,370
Igor, it's your boy Bert.

938
00:49:19,370 --> 00:49:21,910
You better have my watch, bitch.
Finish it up.

939
00:49:22,620 --> 00:49:25,460
He looks like the cartoon
on the vodka bottle.

940
00:49:25,830 --> 00:49:29,210
Only fatter. Yeah, with big titties.

941
00:49:30,130 --> 00:49:34,010
Someone is with him.
Volgovitch's daughter.

942
00:49:35,510 --> 00:49:37,600
Go to VIP car.

943
00:49:42,350 --> 00:49:45,810
Igor want to see you.
He will come to the bar car soon.

944
00:49:50,070 --> 00:49:53,990
But before that,
it would be an honor to party with you...

945
00:49:54,820 --> 00:49:55,820
Machine.

946
00:50:00,410 --> 00:50:01,700
<i>Strasvutsia,</i> bitches.

947
00:50:02,410 --> 00:50:03,250
Let's do it.

948
00:50:07,250 --> 00:50:09,920
You do drink like Russian.

949
00:50:12,880 --> 00:50:15,970
- Alcohol is the universal language.
-  Yes.

950
00:50:15,970 --> 00:50:18,140
We're all drunk on the inside.

951
00:50:20,720 --> 00:50:24,390
So when do we meet the real Machine, huh?

952
00:50:25,560 --> 00:50:26,850
All right, listen up.

953
00:50:27,520 --> 00:50:29,360
<i>♪ I did it all for the nookie ♪</i>

954
00:50:29,360 --> 00:50:30,270
<i>♪ Come on ♪</i>

955
00:50:30,270 --> 00:50:31,400
<i>- ♪ The nookie ♪
- ♪ Come on ♪</i>

956
00:50:31,400 --> 00:50:32,820
<i>♪ So you can take that cookie ♪</i>

957
00:50:32,820 --> 00:50:35,990
<i>♪ And stick it up your asshole
Stick it up your asshole ♪</i>

958
00:50:35,990 --> 00:50:37,360
<i>♪ Stick it up your asshole... ♪</i>

959
00:50:37,360 --> 00:50:40,120
Hey! Hey, excuse me!

960
00:50:40,120 --> 00:50:42,030
Yo, teach. Hey, check it out.

961
00:50:42,030 --> 00:50:44,870
I'm culturally bonding
with the indigenous citizens.

962
00:50:44,870 --> 00:50:48,880
Get your ass back to your cabin now!

963
00:50:49,790 --> 00:50:51,420
<i>♪ I did it all for the nookie ♪</i>

964
00:50:51,420 --> 00:50:53,250
<i>- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ The nookie ♪</i>

965
00:50:53,250 --> 00:50:55,170
<i>- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ So you can take that cookie... ♪</i>

966
00:50:57,180 --> 00:50:59,390
Fuck that bitch!

967
00:50:59,390 --> 00:51:00,890
This is...

968
00:51:00,890 --> 00:51:03,260
Russia!

969
00:51:03,260 --> 00:51:06,350
<i>Dad, you said I had to go
to Russia to find myself.</i>

970
00:51:06,350 --> 00:51:07,480
<i>Well, I did.</i>

971
00:51:07,480 --> 00:51:10,900
- I'm king of the world!

972
00:51:11,520 --> 00:51:13,020
<i>That's how I felt.</i>

973
00:51:13,020 --> 00:51:14,610
<i>I was king of the world.</i>

974
00:51:15,280 --> 00:51:16,150
Titanic?

975
00:51:16,150 --> 00:51:17,320
<i>Yeah, yeah, yeah.</i>

976
00:51:17,320 --> 00:51:19,700
I was stealing wholesale
from A-list movies,

977
00:51:19,700 --> 00:51:20,910
but it worked.

978
00:51:20,910 --> 00:51:22,530
Let me tell you something.

979
00:51:22,530 --> 00:51:26,450
Entertaining criminals
and sex workers was amazing.

980
00:51:26,450 --> 00:51:28,330
Maybe that's why I do so well
in Florida, huh?

981
00:51:29,620 --> 00:51:30,960
They don't even get it.

982
00:51:33,130 --> 00:51:35,000
Tell us more stories, Machine.

983
00:51:35,000 --> 00:51:37,050
The bar car was a blast.

984
00:51:37,050 --> 00:51:39,380
But it's also where shit got real.

985
00:51:39,380 --> 00:51:41,180
Uh, what do you want, Fedor?

986
00:51:42,640 --> 00:51:44,970
Bread. Okay, cool. Wait.

987
00:51:45,850 --> 00:51:47,640
- I knew you said "bread."
-  Yes.

988
00:51:47,640 --> 00:51:49,520
I'm picking up the language.
Give me another one, come on.

989
00:51:50,730 --> 00:51:51,850
Cheese.

990
00:51:51,850 --> 00:51:53,610
I'm basically fluent.

991
00:51:57,190 --> 00:51:58,820
Uh... money. Got it.

992
00:51:58,820 --> 00:52:00,240
Cool. Um...

993
00:52:01,360 --> 00:52:03,450
Oh, no, are we robbing this guy?

994
00:52:04,370 --> 00:52:05,540
Yeah, I don't...

995
00:52:05,540 --> 00:52:07,500
I don't really want to rob anyone.

996
00:52:07,500 --> 00:52:09,330
Yes, you do.

997
00:52:11,250 --> 00:52:13,380
Do it. Pussy.

998
00:52:15,040 --> 00:52:18,880
First him, then train.

999
00:52:18,880 --> 00:52:20,680
So that's what we did.

1000
00:52:20,680 --> 00:52:22,050
- We robbed the train.
-  Yeah.

1001
00:52:27,390 --> 00:52:29,270
<i>I was terrified.</i>

1002
00:52:30,430 --> 00:52:32,100
<i>They were practically giddy.</i>

1003
00:52:34,900 --> 00:52:38,940
<i>♪ This is our
"Music from A Bachelor's Den"... ♪</i>

1004
00:52:40,530 --> 00:52:41,610
Let's go.

1005
00:52:42,860 --> 00:52:44,530
<i>Fedor kept feeding me booze.</i>

1006
00:52:44,530 --> 00:52:48,240
Now you drink vodka.

1007
00:52:49,700 --> 00:52:51,330
Let's go. Drink.

1008
00:52:52,540 --> 00:52:53,540
That's it.

1009
00:52:56,170 --> 00:52:58,710
<i>I was completely out of control.</i>

1010
00:52:58,710 --> 00:53:01,470
<i>I mean, the rush of it.
Turned into a thrill.</i>

1011
00:53:01,470 --> 00:53:02,590
This is my room.

1012
00:53:03,340 --> 00:53:06,930
I was robbing the train
with the Russian mafia.

1013
00:53:06,930 --> 00:53:08,560
And I wasn't dying.

1014
00:53:08,560 --> 00:53:11,430
That's all my-- That's all my stuff.

1015
00:53:11,430 --> 00:53:13,770
Wait, wait, wait.
You're actually taking my stuff?

1016
00:53:14,560 --> 00:53:17,980
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's my dad's, uh, knife.

1017
00:53:17,980 --> 00:53:19,480
You can't take that.

1018
00:53:19,480 --> 00:53:20,940
No, no, no.

1019
00:53:20,940 --> 00:53:23,910
You can take the other stuff.
But the knife?

1020
00:53:24,450 --> 00:53:26,030
- That's my dad's.
-  Really?

1021
00:53:26,030 --> 00:53:27,450
No go.

1022
00:53:27,450 --> 00:53:29,580
I can't take, huh?

1023
00:53:30,580 --> 00:53:31,950
I'm sorry, Dad.

1024
00:53:33,080 --> 00:53:34,250
I let him steal it.

1025
00:53:34,250 --> 00:53:35,670
<i>It's all yours.</i>

1026
00:53:40,550 --> 00:53:42,260
Machine.

1027
00:53:42,970 --> 00:53:43,800
Wow.

1028
00:53:44,430 --> 00:53:46,090
I would've cut out his heart

1029
00:53:46,090 --> 00:53:49,060
and make him watch it stop beating
with his last breath.

1030
00:53:50,600 --> 00:53:52,600
I guess we're just built different.

1031
00:53:52,600 --> 00:53:53,680
The watch.

1032
00:53:55,270 --> 00:53:56,900
<i>Once I got really drunk...</i>

1033
00:53:58,900 --> 00:54:00,270
<i>I robbed my class.</i>

1034
00:54:01,400 --> 00:54:02,860
<i>I robbed my whole class.</i>

1035
00:54:03,690 --> 00:54:05,360
What the hell? Get out.

1036
00:54:07,700 --> 00:54:10,450
Fuck that bitch. This is Russia.

1037
00:54:15,250 --> 00:54:16,370
Ash.

1038
00:54:16,370 --> 00:54:17,500
I'm...

1039
00:54:17,500 --> 00:54:20,880
Whoa! Woman hit man?

1040
00:54:20,880 --> 00:54:23,090
That is new.

1041
00:54:23,090 --> 00:54:26,970
I felt like a complete
and total piece of shit.

1042
00:54:27,890 --> 00:54:31,260
Give it. Fast, fast. Give me ring.

1043
00:54:31,970 --> 00:54:34,730
Let's go.

1044
00:54:36,850 --> 00:54:39,190
- Okay?
- That's it.

1045
00:54:39,190 --> 00:54:40,560
- Good boy.
- Okay.

1046
00:54:45,490 --> 00:54:46,820
I'll get it back.

1047
00:54:47,320 --> 00:54:48,490
I promise.

1048
00:54:50,160 --> 00:54:51,200
I'm sorry, Ash.

1049
00:54:51,740 --> 00:54:52,660
Yeah, fuck you.

1050
00:54:55,370 --> 00:54:57,250
Machine is the man.

1051
00:54:57,250 --> 00:55:01,340
Hey. Machine.
Igor need us in front of train.

1052
00:55:01,340 --> 00:55:03,340
You wait here. We come back with him.

1053
00:55:03,340 --> 00:55:04,510
Machine!

1054
00:55:05,340 --> 00:55:08,630
Enough of this pussy shit!

1055
00:55:09,430 --> 00:55:11,760
Do you talk about that part with...?

1056
00:55:12,810 --> 00:55:14,810
With Ashley when you do your show?

1057
00:55:14,810 --> 00:55:16,230
Obviously not, Dad.

1058
00:55:19,480 --> 00:55:21,310
<i>But I think about it sometimes.</i>

1059
00:55:21,900 --> 00:55:24,900
I think I liked that story better
when I thought it was a lie.

1060
00:55:30,570 --> 00:55:34,120
And then what? Story of you being
stupid idiot asshole is sad,

1061
00:55:34,120 --> 00:55:37,540
but you need to remember my watch.

1062
00:55:45,550 --> 00:55:47,050
Oh!

1063
00:55:49,840 --> 00:55:51,050
I remember.

1064
00:55:51,550 --> 00:55:53,800
There was one last private cabin.

1065
00:55:58,140 --> 00:56:02,480
{\an8} Please don't.
It's a family heirloom.

1066
00:56:02,480 --> 00:56:04,690
Fuck your heirloom.

1067
00:56:05,440 --> 00:56:06,440
Do it.

1068
00:56:08,990 --> 00:56:09,990
Sorry.

1069
00:56:38,850 --> 00:56:40,560
That was the watch.

1070
00:56:43,650 --> 00:56:45,440
My father was no criminal.

1071
00:56:47,230 --> 00:56:48,690
He was a salesman.

1072
00:56:50,240 --> 00:56:53,820
And then you stole
the only thing he ever cared about.

1073
00:56:54,700 --> 00:56:57,240
He called police,
but no one would help him.

1074
00:56:57,950 --> 00:57:00,370
It made him say, "Fuck honest living!

1075
00:57:00,370 --> 00:57:03,290
If you want respect, you have to take it."

1076
00:57:04,380 --> 00:57:07,960
And from there, he built our family.

1077
00:57:12,130 --> 00:57:13,300
Oh, my God.

1078
00:57:14,590 --> 00:57:16,550
I'm your origin story.

1079
00:57:17,220 --> 00:57:19,010
Most people see themselves as Batman...

1080
00:57:20,560 --> 00:57:22,640
not the guy who killed Batman's parents.

1081
00:57:22,640 --> 00:57:25,270
What did you do
with the watch after that?

1082
00:57:25,270 --> 00:57:27,400
We went back to the bar car.

1083
00:57:27,400 --> 00:57:29,820
Fedor went through all the stuff
that we stole.

1084
00:57:36,280 --> 00:57:38,200
- Ugh...

1085
00:57:38,200 --> 00:57:40,830
I hate this song.

1086
00:57:43,370 --> 00:57:45,460
Listen, in Russia,

1087
00:57:46,380 --> 00:57:50,460
we always give gifts to a new friend.

1088
00:57:51,090 --> 00:57:52,340
Take, Machine.

1089
00:57:54,260 --> 00:57:55,930
He gave you the watch?

1090
00:57:57,090 --> 00:58:00,010
- Where is it, Bert? I need to know.
-  I don't know.

1091
00:58:00,010 --> 00:58:01,060
Machine.

1092
00:58:02,390 --> 00:58:04,020
Igor is here.

1093
00:58:06,020 --> 00:58:10,230
Igor, I present to you the Machine.

1094
00:58:15,490 --> 00:58:18,200
Your friend has aged even worse than you.

1095
00:58:19,410 --> 00:58:21,540
My men say:

1096
00:58:22,160 --> 00:58:26,620
"Come to meet famous Machine
from a vodka bottle."

1097
00:58:26,620 --> 00:58:28,380
I say, "Why not?

1098
00:58:28,380 --> 00:58:29,920
You can take selfie."

1099
00:58:31,250 --> 00:58:33,050
But you're not famous.

1100
00:58:35,550 --> 00:58:37,260
You have tits.

1101
00:58:38,300 --> 00:58:39,850
Yeah, we've established that.

1102
00:58:39,850 --> 00:58:42,310
I don't know this guy. This isn't Igor.

1103
00:58:42,310 --> 00:58:43,600
Who are you?

1104
00:58:43,600 --> 00:58:46,440
I knew old Igor. My name is also Igor.

1105
00:58:47,230 --> 00:58:49,980
I took train from him, make him disappear.

1106
00:58:51,230 --> 00:58:52,400
My train now.

1107
00:58:53,030 --> 00:58:54,610
Wait, Igor's dead?

1108
00:58:55,150 --> 00:58:55,990
Yeah.

1109
00:58:56,490 --> 00:58:58,820
- And you're gonna die also.
-  Enough.

1110
00:59:00,320 --> 00:59:02,870
I'm Irina Ivanona Volgina.

1111
00:59:03,580 --> 00:59:05,370
You know who my father is.

1112
00:59:06,000 --> 00:59:08,920
These two dipshits belong to me.

1113
00:59:08,920 --> 00:59:12,800
Now go, if you want to live
to see your children again.

1114
00:59:14,550 --> 00:59:15,670
Stupid bitch.

1115
00:59:16,510 --> 00:59:18,260
You think I didn't ask for permission?

1116
00:59:18,930 --> 00:59:20,140
Permission?

1117
00:59:27,980 --> 00:59:29,400
All right!

1118
00:59:30,400 --> 00:59:31,730
Listen up.

1119
00:59:32,360 --> 00:59:34,320
- Never show fear, right?
- Yeah.

1120
00:59:34,320 --> 00:59:35,230
Now, look.

1121
00:59:35,780 --> 00:59:37,490
Wait, that's the knife you gave me.

1122
00:59:37,490 --> 00:59:39,950
No. I gave you one just like it.

1123
00:59:39,950 --> 00:59:41,910
I knew you couldn't be trusted
with the original.

1124
00:59:41,910 --> 00:59:43,780
- I'm not an idiot.
- Oh, my God.

1125
00:59:43,780 --> 00:59:45,830
You heard me pining about that knife.

1126
00:59:45,830 --> 00:59:48,790
You knew I felt guilty for losing it
for like 25 years!

1127
00:59:48,790 --> 00:59:49,960
That's enough.

1128
00:59:50,540 --> 00:59:52,170
Dad, stab this bald fucker.

1129
00:59:52,170 --> 00:59:53,540
I'm sorry, son.

1130
00:59:54,130 --> 00:59:55,460
- But...
-  I can't breathe.

1131
00:59:55,460 --> 00:59:59,840
...I swore I would never use
a weapon for violence.

1132
01:00:09,730 --> 01:00:10,560
Hello.

1133
01:00:13,650 --> 01:00:14,820
Whoa!

1134
01:00:15,650 --> 01:00:16,780
Oh, my God.

1135
01:00:17,570 --> 01:00:18,940
She cut his throat, Dad.

1136
01:00:18,940 --> 01:00:20,950
Oh, no, don't touch it. It's bad.

1137
01:00:20,950 --> 01:00:22,530
Oh, why is he touching it?

1138
01:00:22,530 --> 01:00:24,700
Oh, no. Why are you smiling?

1139
01:00:25,620 --> 01:00:27,040
Stop. Stop right there. Stop.

1140
01:00:27,040 --> 01:00:29,460
What am I supposed to do, Dad?
What am I supposed to do?

1141
01:00:29,460 --> 01:00:30,540
Hit him, son.

1142
01:00:35,130 --> 01:00:36,840
Oh, my God, Dad, I'm inside him!

1143
01:00:36,840 --> 01:00:39,630
- Oh, my God!

1144
01:00:40,720 --> 01:00:43,340
Let go of my arm! I'll try to get it out!

1145
01:00:43,340 --> 01:00:45,050
He's so warm!

1146
01:00:45,050 --> 01:00:47,600
No, no, no, no, no! God!

1147
01:00:52,270 --> 01:00:54,400
God! Help me let go!

1148
01:00:54,400 --> 01:00:56,230
God! You're, like, fisting his neck.

1149
01:00:56,230 --> 01:00:57,440
Help me!

1150
01:00:57,440 --> 01:00:59,280
Son of a bitch! God!

1151
01:00:59,280 --> 01:01:01,900
It's like a pickle jar.
Just let go of the pickle.

1152
01:01:01,900 --> 01:01:04,740
Damn it, Dad.
It's nothing like a pickle jar!

1153
01:01:04,740 --> 01:01:05,820
Oh, shit!

1154
01:01:05,820 --> 01:01:07,530
- Incoming!

1155
01:01:07,530 --> 01:01:10,080
Pull, pull, pull, pull,
pull, pull, pull, pull!

1156
01:01:15,710 --> 01:01:16,790
Oh, my God!

1157
01:01:16,790 --> 01:01:18,630
Get it off! Get it off me!

1158
01:01:18,630 --> 01:01:20,010
Get it off me!

1159
01:01:20,010 --> 01:01:21,880
No, not that way! The other way!

1160
01:01:25,640 --> 01:01:29,060
Hey, were you saying "pull" or "pole"?

1161
01:01:29,060 --> 01:01:31,560
Does it really fucking matter, Dad?!

1162
01:01:32,230 --> 01:01:34,230
Why did he say
he had permission to kill us?

1163
01:01:36,020 --> 01:01:38,270
I know where we can find out.

1164
01:01:42,110 --> 01:01:44,860
Uh, hello.
Can I have your attention, please?

1165
01:01:45,450 --> 01:01:49,030
We're here looking
for whoever sent that large, bald man

1166
01:01:49,030 --> 01:01:51,040
to kill me and my son.

1167
01:01:51,040 --> 01:01:52,330
Dad. Hey, Dad.

1168
01:01:53,000 --> 01:01:53,830
Dad.

1169
01:01:53,830 --> 01:01:55,790
Maybe ease up on the Russian mafia, okay?

1170
01:02:04,970 --> 01:02:07,180
-  Alexei.
- Hm. It is so nice to see you, sister.

1171
01:02:07,180 --> 01:02:08,100
ALEXEI

1172
01:02:08,100 --> 01:02:10,560
- You have another brother?
-  Mm.

1173
01:02:10,560 --> 01:02:13,230
<i>Da.</i> Three of us. Now two.

1174
01:02:13,230 --> 01:02:14,890
But thank you for killing him.

1175
01:02:15,890 --> 01:02:17,730
He was pain in ass.

1176
01:02:19,020 --> 01:02:20,480
And very stupid.

1177
01:02:21,900 --> 01:02:23,900
You have the meanest family of all time.

1178
01:02:23,900 --> 01:02:26,570
Kind of you to say, Machine.

1179
01:02:27,280 --> 01:02:30,490
I can't agree with your methods
or your business model,

1180
01:02:30,490 --> 01:02:32,830
but it warms my heart to see a son

1181
01:02:32,830 --> 01:02:35,460
willing to take on his father's legacy.

1182
01:02:35,460 --> 01:02:38,460
Albert, Machine's father.

1183
01:02:40,630 --> 01:02:41,880
Oh, sister.

1184
01:02:41,880 --> 01:02:44,760
I intend to bring our father
the watch Machine stole.

1185
01:02:44,760 --> 01:02:46,090
It is over.

1186
01:02:47,180 --> 01:02:48,340
Give me Machine.

1187
01:02:48,340 --> 01:02:50,300
Machine leads me to watch.

1188
01:02:50,300 --> 01:02:51,760
I win.

1189
01:02:51,760 --> 01:02:53,810
All right. You win.

1190
01:02:53,810 --> 01:02:55,180
You get the watch.

1191
01:02:57,020 --> 01:02:58,230
It is here?

1192
01:02:58,230 --> 01:03:00,060
Oh, yeah. It is here.

1193
01:03:01,270 --> 01:03:02,150
In this room.

1194
01:03:03,980 --> 01:03:06,860
We don't have it. We came to collect it.

1195
01:03:10,030 --> 01:03:10,910
From him.

1196
01:03:11,450 --> 01:03:12,580
Keyser Söze.

1197
01:03:13,830 --> 01:03:15,410
Keyser Söze?

1198
01:03:15,410 --> 01:03:18,120
Yeah, he has it. Go ahead, give it to him.

1199
01:03:18,120 --> 01:03:20,040
Who the fuck is Keyser Soze?

1200
01:03:20,040 --> 01:03:22,210
-  Yep, it's his now.

1201
01:03:22,210 --> 01:03:24,840
- I'm out of the equation.

1202
01:03:34,180 --> 01:03:35,520
Where are we going?

1203
01:03:35,520 --> 01:03:36,930
You're gonna get us all killed!

1204
01:03:36,930 --> 01:03:38,270
Shut up and run.

1205
01:03:40,270 --> 01:03:41,310
There we go.

1206
01:03:52,450 --> 01:03:53,450
Fuck!

1207
01:03:56,200 --> 01:03:59,670
Tsk, tsk, tsk. You make me chase you.

1208
01:04:02,580 --> 01:04:03,790
Not nice.

1209
01:04:06,050 --> 01:04:08,010
You think you're so cool.

1210
01:04:08,800 --> 01:04:12,050
Sister, do you really think
you'd take over family?

1211
01:04:14,300 --> 01:04:15,310
Why?

1212
01:04:16,770 --> 01:04:18,600
I'm strong. I'm smart.

1213
01:04:18,600 --> 01:04:20,560
Please. You are a woman.

1214
01:04:22,730 --> 01:04:24,310
The world is changing.

1215
01:04:25,150 --> 01:04:26,650
Even for our family.

1216
01:04:26,650 --> 01:04:30,490
Father and I,
we laugh about your delusions.

1217
01:04:33,700 --> 01:04:36,990
You and Father always underestimate me.

1218
01:04:38,700 --> 01:04:39,790
But you know what?

1219
01:04:41,460 --> 01:04:43,710
I deserve to be treated as an equal.

1220
01:04:44,670 --> 01:04:45,670
Agreed.

1221
01:04:52,550 --> 01:04:53,550
Huh.

1222
01:05:04,940 --> 01:05:06,360
-  Hey.
- Jesus.

1223
01:05:06,360 --> 01:05:08,230
I like this feminism thing.

1224
01:05:09,400 --> 01:05:12,740
And if you don't want me
to kill your father next,

1225
01:05:13,280 --> 01:05:15,120
you will take me to the watch.

1226
01:05:15,120 --> 01:05:18,160
All right. Stop, stop, stop, stop.
I'm gonna do whatever you want.

1227
01:05:18,160 --> 01:05:20,370
Don't hurt my father, okay?
Give me a second.

1228
01:05:20,370 --> 01:05:22,410
Dad. Dad, Dad, Dad.
Listen to me. Listen to me.

1229
01:05:22,410 --> 01:05:23,830
We're gonna be fine.
We're gonna be a team.

1230
01:05:23,830 --> 01:05:25,380
Dad, listen to me right now, okay?

1231
01:05:25,380 --> 01:05:27,960
<i>Butch Cassidy and Sundance.</i>
End of the movie, Dad.

1232
01:05:27,960 --> 01:05:30,510
- Waterfall. We're gonna waterfall.
- Enough.

1233
01:05:32,970 --> 01:05:35,050
This is for your own good.

1234
01:05:41,980 --> 01:05:46,060
Dad!

1235
01:05:56,950 --> 01:06:00,040
My son is a moron.
You were wasting your time.

1236
01:06:00,040 --> 01:06:01,660
I'll help find your watch.

1237
01:06:02,290 --> 01:06:06,330
But only if you promise
to keep my granddaughter safe.

1238
01:06:12,630 --> 01:06:15,470
You are a very good father.

1239
01:06:27,400 --> 01:06:28,730
<i>A cop pulled us over.</i>

1240
01:06:28,730 --> 01:06:30,360
<i>Dad, there's a cop.</i>

1241
01:06:30,360 --> 01:06:33,360
<i>Officer, no,
I don't have a driver's license.</i>

1242
01:06:33,360 --> 01:06:35,450
<i>My dad's in the backseat.</i>

1243
01:06:35,450 --> 01:06:38,120
<i>Dad, stop. Shit, Dad.</i>

1244
01:06:38,120 --> 01:06:39,280
<i>Dad, wake up.</i>

1245
01:06:43,330 --> 01:06:46,120
Oh, God.

1246
01:06:51,040 --> 01:06:52,380
Oh, shit.

1247
01:06:53,800 --> 01:06:55,840
Ow!

1248
01:06:55,840 --> 01:06:58,010
Son of a bitch.

1249
01:07:07,350 --> 01:07:09,940
Hello?

1250
01:07:09,940 --> 01:07:11,190
Fucking Dad.

1251
01:07:12,440 --> 01:07:13,440
I'm tired.

1252
01:07:14,650 --> 01:07:17,320
I'm sore. I'm hungry.

1253
01:07:18,200 --> 01:07:19,200
I'm hungry.

1254
01:07:25,950 --> 01:07:27,210
Thank you, Ash.

1255
01:07:51,860 --> 01:07:52,940
Wait.

1256
01:07:53,770 --> 01:07:54,610
Hey.

1257
01:07:54,610 --> 01:07:55,940
Is my daughter okay?

1258
01:07:56,570 --> 01:07:57,400
No.

1259
01:07:59,950 --> 01:08:02,240
<i>My son is a moron.</i>

1260
01:08:04,280 --> 01:08:05,910
Hey, what's up, sleepyhead?

1261
01:08:06,450 --> 01:08:08,870
- What's this thing?
- It's a mace.

1262
01:08:09,620 --> 01:08:10,920
The fuck are you doing here?

1263
01:08:10,920 --> 01:08:13,170
Oh, I'm not here. You're just really high.

1264
01:08:16,170 --> 01:08:17,630
I am really high.

1265
01:08:22,260 --> 01:08:24,720
God, I came to Russia to become a man.

1266
01:08:24,720 --> 01:08:26,810
All I became was an asshole criminal.

1267
01:08:26,810 --> 01:08:29,890
Yeah. You're gonna hang on to that
for a while.

1268
01:08:29,890 --> 01:08:32,100
A lot of it,
all the shit that happened on the train.

1269
01:08:32,730 --> 01:08:35,770
But, hey, that shirtless idiot thing?

1270
01:08:36,230 --> 01:08:38,240
It pays off bigtime.

1271
01:08:38,240 --> 01:08:39,400
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

1272
01:08:39,400 --> 01:08:41,110
- Yeah?
- Oh, dude.

1273
01:08:41,110 --> 01:08:44,240
This trip to Russia sets you on a path.

1274
01:08:44,830 --> 01:08:46,950
You, my friend,
are great at making people laugh.

1275
01:08:46,950 --> 01:08:48,080
Thanks, man.

1276
01:08:48,080 --> 01:08:49,160
Yeah.

1277
01:08:49,660 --> 01:08:51,580
- I am gonna be okay.
- Yeah.

1278
01:08:52,250 --> 01:08:54,000
And then your wife's
gonna put you in therapy.

1279
01:08:54,000 --> 01:08:55,090
Whoa.

1280
01:08:55,090 --> 01:08:56,880
- We're married?
- Oh, yeah.

1281
01:08:56,880 --> 01:08:58,260
Is she hot?

1282
01:08:58,260 --> 01:08:59,970
- I mean, yeah.
- Wait, what do you mean?

1283
01:08:59,970 --> 01:09:03,220
I mean, I think she's hot.
I think she's hot. I mean, she's 50.

1284
01:09:05,640 --> 01:09:07,680
You married a 50-year-old?

1285
01:09:08,270 --> 01:09:10,890
Dude, what the fuck?
I thought you said we were gonna be okay.

1286
01:09:10,890 --> 01:09:12,390
No, I forgot how dumb I am.

1287
01:09:12,390 --> 01:09:13,810
We married her when she was 30.

1288
01:09:13,810 --> 01:09:16,610
She was-- She still is a smoke show.
She's hot as shit, okay?

1289
01:09:16,610 --> 01:09:18,570
- Okay.
- Don't make me defend our wife.

1290
01:09:19,480 --> 01:09:20,570
She's a great mom.

1291
01:09:20,570 --> 01:09:21,700
Whoa.

1292
01:09:21,700 --> 01:09:22,610
We got kids?

1293
01:09:22,610 --> 01:09:23,700
- Yeah.
- Boys?

1294
01:09:23,700 --> 01:09:25,370
- Mm...
- Ah, I knew we'd have boys.

1295
01:09:25,370 --> 01:09:26,780
I always wanted to have boys.

1296
01:09:26,780 --> 01:09:28,200
Look at us.

1297
01:09:28,200 --> 01:09:31,870
Both of us just figuring ourselves out.

1298
01:09:32,750 --> 01:09:33,620
Ah.

1299
01:09:33,620 --> 01:09:35,170
Well, I am.

1300
01:09:35,790 --> 01:09:37,340
You're still pretty lost.

1301
01:09:37,340 --> 01:09:40,050
I mean, you're literally lost in a forest.

1302
01:09:40,050 --> 01:09:41,460
High on a pot brownie.

1303
01:09:41,460 --> 01:09:44,010
'Cause your dad kicked you off a train.

1304
01:09:44,010 --> 01:09:45,340
Because he hates you.

1305
01:09:45,340 --> 01:09:48,560
Because you can't save your own daughter,
who hates you.

1306
01:09:48,560 --> 01:09:51,640
Now your wife's gonna hate you.
Your whole family pretty much hates you.

1307
01:09:51,640 --> 01:09:52,980
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

1308
01:09:52,980 --> 01:09:55,400
I know this. I know this.
Why are you doing this to me?

1309
01:09:55,400 --> 01:09:58,060
'Cause I'm trying to save you.
You're about to get shot.

1310
01:09:59,610 --> 01:10:00,440
How so?

1311
01:10:00,440 --> 01:10:03,950
You're about to get shot.

1312
01:10:03,950 --> 01:10:06,030
Meaning what?

1313
01:10:06,030 --> 01:10:07,780
You're under fire.

1314
01:10:21,380 --> 01:10:22,840
Fuck! God!

1315
01:10:23,670 --> 01:10:24,840
Oh, my God!

1316
01:10:26,260 --> 01:10:27,260
Fuck.

1317
01:10:46,610 --> 01:10:47,700
Bert?

1318
01:10:48,530 --> 01:10:49,530
Igor?

1319
01:10:53,700 --> 01:10:55,750
- Bert.
- Igor!

1320
01:10:56,670 --> 01:10:58,580
- Machina!
- Igor!

1321
01:10:58,580 --> 01:11:01,500
You look like a big bear. I mean, what?

1322
01:11:01,500 --> 01:11:02,960
- Oh!

1323
01:11:02,960 --> 01:11:05,800
- God.
- My friend, you are here.

1324
01:11:05,800 --> 01:11:09,430
I can't believe you're alive.
Oh, shit. It's good to see you.

1325
01:11:13,810 --> 01:11:15,180
Do you have any snacks?

1326
01:11:18,730 --> 01:11:20,810
This is my home.

1327
01:11:20,810 --> 01:11:21,980
For years now.

1328
01:11:21,980 --> 01:11:24,940
- Nice. It's kind of like West Virginia.
- Yeah. West Vagina.

1329
01:11:24,940 --> 01:11:27,990
Igor! Deuces.

1330
01:11:27,990 --> 01:11:29,610
That's uncircumcised.

1331
01:11:32,160 --> 01:11:33,830
- You almost hit that guy, Igor.
- Yeah.

1332
01:11:35,410 --> 01:11:36,750
It's a tradition here.

1333
01:11:37,370 --> 01:11:38,670
Ah, look at this.

1334
01:11:39,290 --> 01:11:40,330
This is it.

1335
01:11:40,330 --> 01:11:41,250
IGOR'S VILLAGE

1336
01:11:41,250 --> 01:11:42,590
-  This is your house?
-  Yeah.

1337
01:11:48,130 --> 01:11:49,680
Holy shit.

1338
01:11:49,680 --> 01:11:52,760
Oh! Wait, are these all your kids?

1339
01:11:52,760 --> 01:11:55,520
Yeah, this is most of my kids.

1340
01:11:55,520 --> 01:11:58,810
- Oh, my God.

1341
01:11:59,520 --> 01:12:01,230
Jesus, you know you can pull out, right?

1342
01:12:01,230 --> 01:12:04,320
Yes, but my dick
is little bit longer, so I'm like:

1343
01:12:04,320 --> 01:12:06,570
- Oh, like a magician.
- Magician!

1344
01:12:06,570 --> 01:12:08,400
- With the scarves!
- Yeah.

1345
01:12:08,400 --> 01:12:09,860
- Hey.
- I missed you.

1346
01:12:14,700 --> 01:12:15,660
...Machina!

1347
01:12:15,660 --> 01:12:17,620
Hey! Yeah!

1348
01:12:17,620 --> 01:12:19,210
- Oh, Machina!
- Yeah!

1349
01:12:25,670 --> 01:12:26,500
Huh?

1350
01:12:28,090 --> 01:12:28,920
Igor.

1351
01:12:28,920 --> 01:12:30,470
Igor, Igor.

1352
01:12:33,760 --> 01:12:36,890
My wife, she's a big fan of you, Machine.

1353
01:12:36,890 --> 01:12:38,430
- Oh!
- Many in village are.

1354
01:12:38,430 --> 01:12:40,190
They listen to your podcast.

1355
01:12:40,190 --> 01:12:42,100
Why no new episodes?

1356
01:12:42,100 --> 01:12:44,020
Igor, have you killed the bear?

1357
01:12:44,020 --> 01:12:49,530
Not yet, but this is better!
I find friend, Machine. Real one!

1358
01:12:50,610 --> 01:12:53,780
Blessed day for our village!

1359
01:12:53,780 --> 01:12:59,040
First you find Machine,
Then I find whore!

1360
01:12:59,040 --> 01:13:00,910
-  She find whore.
- What?

1361
01:13:10,260 --> 01:13:13,130
- Holy shit! Irina! You're alive!

1362
01:13:13,130 --> 01:13:15,300
How the fuck are you still alive?

1363
01:13:15,300 --> 01:13:17,720
Goddamn it. Oh, my God!

1364
01:13:18,260 --> 01:13:20,350
Would you like to buy her for the fucking?

1365
01:13:20,350 --> 01:13:21,850
I don't know.

1366
01:13:21,850 --> 01:13:23,940
What do you think? How much?

1367
01:13:23,940 --> 01:13:25,690
More than you have.

1368
01:13:26,400 --> 01:13:27,690
I don't know, maybe--

1369
01:13:27,690 --> 01:13:29,900
Oh, my God! What happened to your leg?

1370
01:13:29,900 --> 01:13:31,190
Oh, that looks bad.

1371
01:13:31,190 --> 01:13:33,070
Here, tell me if you feel this.

1372
01:13:33,070 --> 01:13:34,490
- Oh!

1373
01:13:34,490 --> 01:13:36,700
Igor! Help! I know this whore!

1374
01:13:36,700 --> 01:13:38,080
Let's get her in your house!

1375
01:13:38,080 --> 01:13:40,750
- Here.
- Igor, do you have any hydrogen peroxide?

1376
01:13:40,750 --> 01:13:44,120
Uh... no,
but we have many kind of animal spit.

1377
01:13:44,120 --> 01:13:45,790
- Okay, well, here you go.
- Fuck!

1378
01:13:45,790 --> 01:13:47,790
Okay, you're fine. No, no, no. We're good.

1379
01:13:47,790 --> 01:13:50,170
- Fuck!
- Just get me something to dress it with.

1380
01:13:50,170 --> 01:13:53,420
- I gotta get this boot off.

1381
01:13:53,420 --> 01:13:56,050
- Okay. Okay, here we go.
- Okay. Wait, wait, be careful.

1382
01:13:57,890 --> 01:13:59,430
-  All right.

1383
01:14:00,060 --> 01:14:02,600
Oh, it's pretty bad. Okay.

1384
01:14:03,690 --> 01:14:05,980
- Oh, is it bad?
- It's not that bad.

1385
01:14:05,980 --> 01:14:08,020
- Is it that bad? Oh, fuck!
- It's not that bad.

1386
01:14:08,020 --> 01:14:10,150
I just can't look at it.

1387
01:14:10,150 --> 01:14:11,440
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

1388
01:14:11,440 --> 01:14:13,190
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Fuck!

1389
01:14:13,190 --> 01:14:14,740
It's fine. It's fine.

1390
01:14:15,360 --> 01:14:17,240
Did you just put it in your pocket?

1391
01:14:17,240 --> 01:14:18,660
I didn't know where to put it.

1392
01:14:18,660 --> 01:14:21,410
Oh, I'm gonna be sick now. Oh, fuck!

1393
01:14:21,410 --> 01:14:23,870
Don't you throw up.
If you throw up, I'm gonna throw up.

1394
01:14:23,870 --> 01:14:26,250
Don't throw up. Don't throw up.
Please don't throw up.

1395
01:14:26,250 --> 01:14:29,750
- I won't throw up. You don't throw up.
- I won't throw up, if you don't throw up.

1396
01:14:29,750 --> 01:14:31,460
- I'll trust you. Okay.
- Deal.

1397
01:14:31,460 --> 01:14:33,460
Oh, God. Okay.

1398
01:14:34,880 --> 01:14:37,470
- Just do something about it!
- I don't think I can do this.

1399
01:14:38,180 --> 01:14:39,510
Give me a pep talk.

1400
01:14:39,510 --> 01:14:42,270
- Just pull it out. You can do it.
- Okay.

1401
01:14:42,270 --> 01:14:44,680
- I can do it?
- You can do it. Just pull it out. Okay?

1402
01:14:44,680 --> 01:14:46,480
- One, two...
- Three, two...

1403
01:14:46,480 --> 01:14:47,440
No, wait. No, wait.

1404
01:14:47,440 --> 01:14:50,110
- Three! Two! One!
- Three! Two! One!

1405
01:14:55,820 --> 01:14:57,410
I did it! I did it!

1406
01:14:58,240 --> 01:14:59,780
You're not gonna...

1407
01:15:08,000 --> 01:15:10,250
So anyway, I shoot the dude,

1408
01:15:10,250 --> 01:15:12,840
he shoots another dude,
dude shoots another dude.

1409
01:15:12,840 --> 01:15:16,010
Three dudes, one--
Four-- Three-- Three bullets.

1410
01:15:16,010 --> 01:15:18,590
It was top ten all-time kills for me.
Hell, yeah!

1411
01:15:18,590 --> 01:15:20,510
Yeah. Oh, is this...?

1412
01:15:20,510 --> 01:15:23,430
- Are we high-fiving a murder?
- Yeah.

1413
01:15:23,430 --> 01:15:25,730
Hey, where is your father now?

1414
01:15:25,730 --> 01:15:27,890
Who the fuck knows?

1415
01:15:27,890 --> 01:15:30,770
Let me tell you something.
If he is alive, I'm fucking killing him.

1416
01:15:32,360 --> 01:15:34,400
Hey, Igor, what brought you here?

1417
01:15:34,400 --> 01:15:36,400
Hey, thanks to you, Bert.

1418
01:15:36,400 --> 01:15:38,070
- Me?
- Yeah.

1419
01:15:38,070 --> 01:15:39,160
What?

1420
01:15:39,160 --> 01:15:42,620
When I saw how you find joy
in every moment,

1421
01:15:42,620 --> 01:15:46,160
it make me think, "Mafia is dangerous."

1422
01:15:47,410 --> 01:15:48,790
Not easy life.

1423
01:15:48,790 --> 01:15:53,380
And one day,
as I strangle man for not paying me for...

1424
01:15:54,670 --> 01:15:55,880
ah, whatever,

1425
01:15:55,880 --> 01:15:58,590
- I remembered something you say.
- What?

1426
01:15:58,590 --> 01:16:02,550
You told me most important thing in life,

1427
01:16:02,550 --> 01:16:04,600
it is to find your smile.

1428
01:16:05,430 --> 01:16:06,560
- Oh!
- Eh?

1429
01:16:07,270 --> 01:16:09,190
- Ho, ho, ho. Igor.
- Huh?

1430
01:16:09,190 --> 01:16:11,480
I stole that from <i>City Slickers.</i>

1431
01:16:12,020 --> 01:16:14,900
Billy Crystal? 1980s? Cowboys? Nothing?

1432
01:16:14,900 --> 01:16:17,280
His whole deal is stealing shit.

1433
01:16:17,280 --> 01:16:19,610
Back then, Irina. Okay?

1434
01:16:19,610 --> 01:16:22,570
Hey, I just left. It was my choice.

1435
01:16:22,570 --> 01:16:23,990
My smile.

1436
01:16:23,990 --> 01:16:26,370
Mafia was not my smile.

1437
01:16:26,370 --> 01:16:29,160
This was. Children, family, Sonia.

1438
01:16:29,660 --> 01:16:33,210
In mafia, I would have died.

1439
01:16:33,210 --> 01:16:35,920
But I have this, thanks to you, Bert.

1440
01:16:35,920 --> 01:16:37,670
You saved my life.

1441
01:16:41,510 --> 01:16:42,800
Good for you, Igor.

1442
01:16:43,640 --> 01:16:45,510
Hey, at least
I didn't ruin his life, right?

1443
01:16:50,480 --> 01:16:51,480
Bert?

1444
01:16:57,030 --> 01:16:58,070
Bert?

1445
01:17:02,030 --> 01:17:04,370
Hey. Are you asleep?

1446
01:17:05,120 --> 01:17:06,120
Yeah.

1447
01:17:06,660 --> 01:17:09,540
What is this thing you did
that made your daughter hate you?

1448
01:17:15,000 --> 01:17:16,000
All right.

1449
01:17:18,380 --> 01:17:22,090
So me and my big, fat friend Tom,
we're doing a podcast,

1450
01:17:22,680 --> 01:17:25,390
and we get accidentally very fucked up.

1451
01:17:26,760 --> 01:17:28,970
- That's not so bad.
- Wait for it.

1452
01:17:28,970 --> 01:17:31,680
So Sasha's 15, right?
She's got her learner's permit.

1453
01:17:32,310 --> 01:17:34,600
I'm like, "Hey, come out to me.

1454
01:17:35,360 --> 01:17:38,150
Get my car, drive me home."
Right? Bam, bam.

1455
01:17:39,690 --> 01:17:42,570
You asked your teenage daughter
to drive you home drunk?

1456
01:17:42,570 --> 01:17:44,660
It gets worse, okay?

1457
01:17:44,660 --> 01:17:46,120
She rolls a stop sign.

1458
01:17:46,740 --> 01:17:48,080
Cop pulls her over.

1459
01:17:50,540 --> 01:17:54,540
Turns out, having a parent in the car
doesn't count if the parent's trashed.

1460
01:17:56,880 --> 01:18:00,710
She can't get her license for two years.
I got a misdemeanor. It was awful.

1461
01:18:00,710 --> 01:18:03,260
Well, if that's everything,
that's not so bad.

1462
01:18:03,970 --> 01:18:07,300
I wish that was the worst thing
my father ever did to me.

1463
01:18:07,300 --> 01:18:09,350
It almost sounds nice.

1464
01:18:11,560 --> 01:18:14,390
Four minutes before I passed out,
I started a livestream.

1465
01:18:15,230 --> 01:18:17,400
And I livestreamed the entire event.

1466
01:18:18,190 --> 01:18:19,820
It immediately went viral.

1467
01:18:20,980 --> 01:18:22,940
Next weekend was Father's Day.

1468
01:18:24,820 --> 01:18:26,320
She was so mad.

1469
01:18:28,410 --> 01:18:30,580
Oh, God,
she didn't talk to me for a month.

1470
01:18:32,790 --> 01:18:34,160
It was a wake-up call.

1471
01:18:41,420 --> 01:18:45,880
I've been this party guy for so long,
I don't even know who I am anymore.

1472
01:18:50,560 --> 01:18:56,060
Then maybe you're not supposed
to be only Bert.

1473
01:18:58,770 --> 01:19:00,440
Look what you did for Igor.

1474
01:19:01,690 --> 01:19:04,940
Your stupid drunk talk, it saved his life.

1475
01:19:06,780 --> 01:19:08,160
I don't follow.

1476
01:19:11,120 --> 01:19:14,330
We do not grow
by destroying part of ourselves.

1477
01:19:14,830 --> 01:19:17,580
We grow
by finding a balance between parts.

1478
01:19:18,830 --> 01:19:20,750
Balance like Steve Urkel.

1479
01:19:23,420 --> 01:19:24,510
Did you just say "Urkel"?

1480
01:19:24,510 --> 01:19:28,130
It's a reference to one of
my favorite American television shows.

1481
01:19:28,130 --> 01:19:29,550
<i>Family Matters.</i>

1482
01:19:29,550 --> 01:19:30,930
You know it?

1483
01:19:30,930 --> 01:19:34,060
Yeah. Wait. But wait.
What the fuck's Urkel got to do with this?

1484
01:19:34,060 --> 01:19:35,390
Oh!

1485
01:19:35,390 --> 01:19:38,730
In season five,
Steve Urkel takes this potion

1486
01:19:38,730 --> 01:19:43,070
that transforms him into Stefan Urquelle,
like, this cool version of him.

1487
01:19:43,070 --> 01:19:45,360
Everyone starts hating him,
but what does he do?

1488
01:19:45,360 --> 01:19:47,530
He doesn't surrender.

1489
01:19:47,530 --> 01:19:49,030
He improves his formula,

1490
01:19:49,030 --> 01:19:52,450
and in the end,
he gets best of both worlds.

1491
01:19:53,120 --> 01:19:55,580
You are the Machine and Bert.

1492
01:19:56,200 --> 01:19:57,870
You have both sides.

1493
01:19:57,870 --> 01:20:00,880
But now you need to balance.

1494
01:20:04,710 --> 01:20:05,550
I get it.

1495
01:20:06,590 --> 01:20:08,170
Goddamn it.

1496
01:20:08,970 --> 01:20:11,050
Can't believe I slept on <i>Family Matters.</i>

1497
01:20:11,050 --> 01:20:13,970
Oh, you should definitely watch it.
It's very good.

1498
01:20:16,100 --> 01:20:17,730
"Did I do that?"

1499
01:20:17,730 --> 01:20:19,600
He watched it.

1500
01:20:21,520 --> 01:20:24,650
When communists came,
politburo burned down the church

1501
01:20:24,650 --> 01:20:26,780
and build this factory.

1502
01:20:26,780 --> 01:20:29,900
When the communists leave, factory closed.

1503
01:20:29,900 --> 01:20:33,070
When I came to the village,
I helped them build this.

1504
01:20:33,070 --> 01:20:35,330
-  You built this?
-  No, no. Inside.

1505
01:20:41,460 --> 01:20:44,170
I took you here
because building this place,

1506
01:20:44,170 --> 01:20:46,210
feeling closer to God,

1507
01:20:46,210 --> 01:20:48,710
taught me how to forgive myself.

1508
01:20:48,710 --> 01:20:53,010
You know, for all the bad things
that I did, murders,

1509
01:20:53,590 --> 01:20:55,050
all those years ago.

1510
01:20:55,930 --> 01:20:59,600
Why do you think I hooked you up
with the train <i>banditti?</i>

1511
01:20:59,600 --> 01:21:01,520
I don't know.
To show them a good time?

1512
01:21:01,520 --> 01:21:03,440
<i>Da.</i> And?

1513
01:21:04,650 --> 01:21:06,730
To keep your class safe.

1514
01:21:07,650 --> 01:21:09,650
Train <i>banditti</i> are very dangerous.

1515
01:21:09,650 --> 01:21:11,820
They do terrible things to the passengers.

1516
01:21:11,820 --> 01:21:15,530
I introduced them to Machine
to distract them,

1517
01:21:15,530 --> 01:21:18,290
<i>by doing what he always does.</i>

1518
01:21:18,910 --> 01:21:21,370
Yeah. I robbed a lot of people, Igor.

1519
01:21:21,370 --> 01:21:22,620
So?

1520
01:21:23,170 --> 01:21:25,460
Was anyone hurt, killed?

1521
01:21:25,460 --> 01:21:27,880
You spit in a girl's face.
You were an asshole.

1522
01:21:27,880 --> 01:21:30,970
<i>- But your class, they were safe</i>

1523
01:21:30,970 --> 01:21:34,090
because you did exactly
what you're supposed to do,

1524
01:21:34,090 --> 01:21:37,180
by showing them good time,
making them laugh.

1525
01:21:37,180 --> 01:21:39,520
You protected those people.

1526
01:21:39,520 --> 01:21:42,810
That is what a man does.

1527
01:21:44,020 --> 01:21:45,190
Goddamn it.

1528
01:21:45,190 --> 01:21:47,440
Seems you're a good man, Bert.

1529
01:21:49,400 --> 01:21:51,490
- Thanks, Irina.

1530
01:21:51,490 --> 01:21:53,070
It's time to feed kids.

1531
01:21:53,070 --> 01:21:56,450
Holy shit! That's the watch! Oh!

1532
01:21:56,450 --> 01:21:57,740
My father's watch.

1533
01:22:03,910 --> 01:22:05,670
How do you have that?

1534
01:22:05,670 --> 01:22:08,340
You gave it to me when you left Russia.

1535
01:22:08,340 --> 01:22:10,760
You said it was thank you
for being a true friend.

1536
01:22:10,760 --> 01:22:12,800
You were very, very drunk.

1537
01:22:14,130 --> 01:22:15,640
I was embarrassed taking it,

1538
01:22:15,640 --> 01:22:17,970
but the words were nice,
so I just took it.

1539
01:22:17,970 --> 01:22:19,810
Sweet, drunk words.

1540
01:22:19,810 --> 01:22:20,890
God, yes.

1541
01:22:21,520 --> 01:22:22,850
Let's go, Bert.

1542
01:22:22,850 --> 01:22:24,690
I have an empire to claim.

1543
01:22:25,600 --> 01:22:27,520
I would pay
to listen to her talk during sex.

1544
01:22:27,520 --> 01:22:29,110
I would pay to have sex with her.

1545
01:22:29,110 --> 01:22:30,900
Sorry about your bathroom.

1546
01:22:30,900 --> 01:22:32,940
Thank you for taming the whore.

1547
01:22:32,940 --> 01:22:34,610
No, thank you.

1548
01:22:34,610 --> 01:22:36,280
I'll cherish these.

1549
01:22:36,280 --> 01:22:38,280
The fuck am I supposed to do
with a chicken?

1550
01:22:38,280 --> 01:22:41,450
Hey, Bert. I need to come clean.

1551
01:22:41,450 --> 01:22:43,950
After train, I talked to Fedor, and...

1552
01:22:44,710 --> 01:22:47,000
he gave me what you stole from class.

1553
01:22:47,000 --> 01:22:51,130
Then everyone go back to U.S.A.,
so I kept it to remember.

1554
01:22:51,130 --> 01:22:53,920
-  Hold on. No way.
-  Yeah.

1555
01:22:54,630 --> 01:22:55,680
Dude.

1556
01:22:55,680 --> 01:22:57,470
Hey, take it.

1557
01:22:57,470 --> 01:22:59,970
And go to Moscow and save your father.

1558
01:23:00,470 --> 01:23:03,720
If he's still alive.
He may have been tortured to death.

1559
01:23:05,520 --> 01:23:06,690
I think she's autistic.

1560
01:23:06,690 --> 01:23:07,650
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

1561
01:23:07,650 --> 01:23:11,070
Hey, man. Thank you for everything, man.

1562
01:23:11,070 --> 01:23:12,150
- No, no, no.
- No?

1563
01:23:12,150 --> 01:23:13,780
You've been a good-luck charm to me.

1564
01:23:13,780 --> 01:23:15,570
- My life changed the day I met you.
- Hey.

1565
01:23:15,570 --> 01:23:17,030
- Bert, thank you.
- No, thank you.

1566
01:23:17,030 --> 01:23:18,280
- No, thank you.
- No, thank you.

1567
01:23:19,530 --> 01:23:22,700
- God. I'll miss you, brother.

1568
01:23:22,700 --> 01:23:25,830
I'm gonna miss
these disgusting poor people.

1569
01:23:27,290 --> 01:23:30,040
So you just think it and say it?
You don't stop it at all, right?

1570
01:23:30,960 --> 01:23:32,380
Yes, basically.

1571
01:23:33,170 --> 01:23:35,510
- Never met someone like myself before.
- Yeah.

1572
01:23:35,510 --> 01:23:38,590
<i>♪ Hey, man ♪</i>

1573
01:23:38,590 --> 01:23:40,890
MOSCOW

1574
01:23:40,890 --> 01:23:44,720
<i>♪ Nice gun ♪</i>

1575
01:23:46,230 --> 01:23:51,020
<i>♪ Hey, man ♪</i>

1576
01:23:51,770 --> 01:23:55,570
<i>♪ Have fun ♪</i>

1577
01:23:57,110 --> 01:24:01,280
<i>♪ Hey, man ♪</i>

1578
01:24:02,660 --> 01:24:06,450
<i>♪ Have fun ♪</i>

1579
01:24:06,450 --> 01:24:08,120
<i>♪ Nice shot, man ♪</i>

1580
01:24:10,370 --> 01:24:12,210
So I keep having this recurring dream

1581
01:24:12,210 --> 01:24:13,880
where Dolly Parton throws me her pick,

1582
01:24:13,880 --> 01:24:16,050
calls me on-stage
and wants me to jam with her.

1583
01:24:16,050 --> 01:24:17,130
I'm freaking shredding,

1584
01:24:17,130 --> 01:24:19,630
but my fingers turn into spiders
and my teeth fall out.

1585
01:24:19,630 --> 01:24:22,680
Pretty sure it's my heart medication
having a reaction with my sleeping pill.

1586
01:24:22,680 --> 01:24:24,260
But, hey, it's better than doing acid,

1587
01:24:24,260 --> 01:24:26,640
and kind of the highlight of my day
at this point.

1588
01:24:27,140 --> 01:24:30,020
- It's sad but true.
- What the fuck is going on in here?

1589
01:24:30,730 --> 01:24:32,020
Oh, hi, son.

1590
01:24:35,110 --> 01:24:36,190
You two are buds now?

1591
01:24:38,360 --> 01:24:40,650
Dad, why are you talking all fast
like you're on speed or something?

1592
01:24:40,650 --> 01:24:44,410
'Cause I'm on speed.
And it is so, so, so, so great.

1593
01:24:44,410 --> 01:24:46,950
Oh! More drugs.

1594
01:24:46,950 --> 01:24:48,160
Ooh.

1595
01:24:48,160 --> 01:24:50,750
Ooh! Oh.

1596
01:24:50,750 --> 01:24:51,920
Look at me.

1597
01:24:51,920 --> 01:24:54,080
I'm Molly Parton!

1598
01:24:57,380 --> 01:24:58,880
You see what I did there?

1599
01:25:00,630 --> 01:25:02,800
Irina. You're alive.

1600
01:25:03,510 --> 01:25:06,680
- Super.
- Yes, asshole, I am alive.

1601
01:25:06,680 --> 01:25:11,270
I brought the Machine,
and I even have the watch.

1602
01:25:11,270 --> 01:25:14,190
So suck my dick.

1603
01:25:14,190 --> 01:25:16,400
- Thanks.
- Fuck you, Sponge!

1604
01:25:16,400 --> 01:25:18,280
No, fuck you.

1605
01:25:18,280 --> 01:25:19,690
He pay me.

1606
01:25:20,690 --> 01:25:21,740
You hit me.

1607
01:25:22,240 --> 01:25:24,110
I should have left you in that gulag,

1608
01:25:24,110 --> 01:25:26,240
with those doctors poking
and prodding you.

1609
01:25:26,240 --> 01:25:28,990
I would string you up by your balls.

1610
01:25:40,050 --> 01:25:41,050
Machine.

1611
01:25:44,010 --> 01:25:45,220
I must say,

1612
01:25:46,390 --> 01:25:47,970
your dad is so fun.

1613
01:25:48,510 --> 01:25:50,980
He is the original Machine.

1614
01:25:52,230 --> 01:25:53,440
I'm the prototype.

1615
01:25:53,440 --> 01:25:55,350
He has been partying with us.

1616
01:25:55,350 --> 01:25:59,150
Now, your mom was more of
a kind of missionary kind of gal,

1617
01:25:59,150 --> 01:26:02,070
but Annika... Oh, ho!

1618
01:26:02,070 --> 01:26:05,740
- She's got the cushion for the Pushkin.

1619
01:26:06,450 --> 01:26:08,200
Oh, Dad, please stop.

1620
01:26:08,200 --> 01:26:12,330
See, your dad has spent
so long looking after you,

1621
01:26:12,330 --> 01:26:14,370
he never got a chance
to have fun on his own.

1622
01:26:15,420 --> 01:26:16,500
Oh, ho!

1623
01:26:16,500 --> 01:26:18,670
What a load of horseshit that is.

1624
01:26:18,670 --> 01:26:21,840
Those Dolly Parton tickets
he was just bragging about? Front row?

1625
01:26:21,840 --> 01:26:23,720
Who do you think bought them for him?

1626
01:26:23,720 --> 01:26:26,140
And to think I thought
I was finally understanding you.

1627
01:26:26,140 --> 01:26:29,310
I found your fucking knife.
Yeah, you want this piece of shit?

1628
01:26:29,310 --> 01:26:31,140
When he kicked me off the train,

1629
01:26:31,140 --> 01:26:32,930
I thought, "Maybe he's trying
to keep me safe,

1630
01:26:32,930 --> 01:26:34,980
protect me or has a plan."

1631
01:26:34,980 --> 01:26:38,020
But no plan. No fucking plan.

1632
01:26:38,020 --> 01:26:40,020
You're just a big old dick!

1633
01:26:40,900 --> 01:26:44,450
I may have let you down in this world.
You've pointed that out a lot.

1634
01:26:44,450 --> 01:26:47,570
But you know what, Dad?
You have let me down.

1635
01:26:47,570 --> 01:26:49,530
Just like I let Sasha down.

1636
01:26:50,160 --> 01:26:53,080
I can't believe I thought
you were here to take care of me.

1637
01:26:53,080 --> 01:26:55,660
Dad, take a fucking look around.

1638
01:26:55,660 --> 01:26:57,170
You let me down!

1639
01:26:59,540 --> 01:27:00,840
Son.

1640
01:27:01,460 --> 01:27:04,090
I will always take care of you.

1641
01:27:06,470 --> 01:27:07,470
What?

1642
01:27:08,510 --> 01:27:11,970
You people threatened my granddaughter,

1643
01:27:12,640 --> 01:27:14,430
you kidnapped my son,

1644
01:27:14,430 --> 01:27:18,350
and made me do a lot of amazing drugs.

1645
01:27:18,350 --> 01:27:22,070
And this is how we say thank you
in Florida.

1646
01:27:24,740 --> 01:27:26,700
Holy shit!

1647
01:27:30,120 --> 01:27:31,830
Motherfucking Eagle Scout.

1648
01:27:31,830 --> 01:27:33,700
Oh, fuck!

1649
01:27:33,700 --> 01:27:36,330
You have amazing tits!

1650
01:27:36,330 --> 01:27:38,370
-  Oh, shit!

1651
01:27:38,370 --> 01:27:39,830
I got the doors!

1652
01:27:40,710 --> 01:27:41,540
God!

1653
01:27:48,930 --> 01:27:50,340
I thought you were nonviolent.

1654
01:27:50,340 --> 01:27:52,890
I am! But I also love my son!

1655
01:27:52,890 --> 01:27:54,810
I knew you'd survive
falling off that train

1656
01:27:54,810 --> 01:27:57,560
because of your big old boobies
and protective layers of fat.

1657
01:27:58,270 --> 01:27:59,980
Oh, my God, you're so high right now.

1658
01:27:59,980 --> 01:28:03,110
I am so high. I am so high!

1659
01:28:03,110 --> 01:28:06,360
Idiots, stop talking and run.
I'll find the watch.

1660
01:28:06,900 --> 01:28:08,450
Come on, come on, come on.

1661
01:28:09,530 --> 01:28:11,450
Shit. Let's go, Keith Richards.

1662
01:28:12,160 --> 01:28:13,580
Dad, come on! Stop lollygagging!

1663
01:28:16,790 --> 01:28:18,870
God. All right.
Have a great night, everybody.

1664
01:28:18,870 --> 01:28:20,330
Ooh, you're dropping your money.

1665
01:28:20,330 --> 01:28:22,460
Don't drink and drive.
Grab a T-shirt on your way out.

1666
01:28:22,460 --> 01:28:25,710
All right, have a good one.
Oh, here we go. The last ones out.

1667
01:28:25,710 --> 01:28:27,840
Sorry for the gunfire, everybody.
Have a great night.

1668
01:28:27,840 --> 01:28:29,760
Take care. Thank you very much.

1669
01:28:30,840 --> 01:28:33,050
All right, Dad. We're good.

1670
01:28:33,050 --> 01:28:35,560
Now, listen, I need you to use
this drug energy for good.

1671
01:28:35,560 --> 01:28:37,100
All right? Like Charlie Sheen did.

1672
01:28:37,600 --> 01:28:39,520
Oh, shit. Dad, get down.

1673
01:29:08,340 --> 01:29:09,170
- Bert.
- Shh!

1674
01:29:09,170 --> 01:29:10,670
- I lied.
- Stop talking.

1675
01:29:10,670 --> 01:29:11,840
Come on, let's go.

1676
01:29:12,890 --> 01:29:15,430
Look at me. I think I failed you as a dad.

1677
01:29:15,430 --> 01:29:17,850
- Dad, be quiet.
- I can't.

1678
01:29:17,850 --> 01:29:21,100
I'm feeling so many feelings,
and I need to tell you about them.

1679
01:29:22,140 --> 01:29:23,310
Bert?

1680
01:29:23,310 --> 01:29:24,440
- Bert?
- What?

1681
01:29:25,230 --> 01:29:26,650
I need to say this.

1682
01:29:26,650 --> 01:29:29,690
Instead of accepting you,
I criticized you.

1683
01:29:29,690 --> 01:29:32,400
But it was only because
I wanted to keep you safe.

1684
01:29:32,400 --> 01:29:34,320
Why have you never told me this?

1685
01:29:34,320 --> 01:29:35,660
I don't know. It's...

1686
01:29:35,660 --> 01:29:39,700
Vulnerability is scary,
and opening up is hard.

1687
01:29:40,580 --> 01:29:42,870
- What drugs did they give you?
- Well, well, it was...

1688
01:29:42,870 --> 01:29:44,420
Okay, come on. Let's go. Let's go.

1689
01:29:44,420 --> 01:29:46,750
One was yellow,
but I don't know what it was.

1690
01:29:49,300 --> 01:29:51,380
- Bert.
- Dad, shut the fuck up.

1691
01:29:51,380 --> 01:29:52,760
This is important.

1692
01:29:55,640 --> 01:29:57,850
- All dads mess up, Bert.

1693
01:29:58,600 --> 01:30:00,470
But the good ones, we--

1694
01:30:01,600 --> 01:30:03,230
We try to do better.

1695
01:30:05,350 --> 01:30:08,070
I guess sometimes it just...

1696
01:30:09,230 --> 01:30:10,690
takes us a while.

1697
01:30:11,320 --> 01:30:12,950
You're my boy, Bert.

1698
01:30:15,160 --> 01:30:16,820
Don't ever forget that.

1699
01:30:17,490 --> 01:30:18,990
You'll always...

1700
01:30:19,790 --> 01:30:21,290
be my boy.

1701
01:30:28,250 --> 01:30:29,500
This is nice, Dad.

1702
01:30:30,130 --> 01:30:32,970
You should do drugs more often.
Look at us.

1703
01:30:32,970 --> 01:30:34,840
We're finally working through our shit.

1704
01:30:39,350 --> 01:30:40,640
Dad, let's go!

1705
01:30:41,890 --> 01:30:42,980
Goddamn!

1706
01:30:42,980 --> 01:30:45,350
I just wish it had happened
before we were about to die!

1707
01:30:45,350 --> 01:30:47,350
No, we're not gonna die.

1708
01:30:47,900 --> 01:30:48,730
Here.

1709
01:30:49,900 --> 01:30:52,940
You have always succeeded
by being exactly you.

1710
01:30:52,940 --> 01:30:54,820
Now, take off that shirt

1711
01:30:54,820 --> 01:30:58,490
and show those SOBs who you really are.

1712
01:31:02,240 --> 01:31:03,250
Hey!

1713
01:31:09,290 --> 01:31:10,130
Fuck.

1714
01:31:30,020 --> 01:31:32,610
THE MACHINE

1715
01:31:36,200 --> 01:31:39,450
Now you gotta party with me.

1716
01:31:40,070 --> 01:31:41,370
Who the fuck are you?

1717
01:31:41,370 --> 01:31:44,750
He's the motherfucking Machine!

1718
01:31:51,290 --> 01:31:52,380
Oh, shit.

1719
01:31:54,050 --> 01:31:57,010
I'm bulletproof, baby! Yeah!

1720
01:31:57,010 --> 01:31:58,680
Come on! Yeah!

1721
01:32:03,600 --> 01:32:05,600
Suck my dick, Captain America.

1722
01:32:11,230 --> 01:32:12,230
Machina!

1723
01:32:29,210 --> 01:32:31,080
What are you gonna do with a stick?
Come on.

1724
01:32:31,080 --> 01:32:34,340
<i>♪ More human than human... ♪</i>

1725
01:32:34,340 --> 01:32:35,880
I got your stick now.

1726
01:32:44,550 --> 01:32:45,810
Oh!

1727
01:32:49,770 --> 01:32:50,640
Not too bad.

1728
01:32:50,640 --> 01:32:51,940
Oh!

1729
01:32:57,320 --> 01:32:59,030
- Dad, put your hands down.

1730
01:32:59,030 --> 01:33:00,700
Get down now! Come on!

1731
01:33:00,700 --> 01:33:03,030
God, I'm so strong!

1732
01:33:05,080 --> 01:33:06,660
Here we go. Dad, Dad. Down, down.

1733
01:33:08,330 --> 01:33:09,750
Help me fuck up Lenin.

1734
01:33:09,750 --> 01:33:10,910
- Let's do it.
- Come on!

1735
01:33:18,800 --> 01:33:20,670
- Oh!
-  Oh!

1736
01:33:20,670 --> 01:33:22,380
Take that, communist!

1737
01:33:22,380 --> 01:33:24,470
Hey. Eagle Scout.

1738
01:33:25,010 --> 01:33:27,510
We have a rematch.

1739
01:33:34,100 --> 01:33:35,860
- Hammer, Dad.
- Here.

1740
01:33:40,780 --> 01:33:43,070
<i>♪ More human than human ♪</i>

1741
01:33:43,070 --> 01:33:45,410
Oh, titty boy.

1742
01:33:49,240 --> 01:33:50,660
I got you, son!

1743
01:33:52,540 --> 01:33:54,790
Dad! Dad!

1744
01:33:54,790 --> 01:33:56,710
Sorry, old man.

1745
01:34:04,930 --> 01:34:06,470
Absorb that, Sponge.

1746
01:34:08,140 --> 01:34:10,560
Oh, shit. Dad. Get off!

1747
01:34:10,560 --> 01:34:12,310
Are you okay? You okay?

1748
01:34:12,310 --> 01:34:15,060
I-- I saved you.

1749
01:34:15,650 --> 01:34:16,770
Yeah, you did.

1750
01:34:18,070 --> 01:34:18,980
Oh, shit.

1751
01:34:18,980 --> 01:34:22,240
Come here! Come on, Dad, let's walk.
Oh, shit. Shit. Let me see.

1752
01:34:23,070 --> 01:34:25,910
- You... are nothing...

1753
01:34:29,950 --> 01:34:34,040
but an ignorant, fat American
who has no respect.

1754
01:34:34,040 --> 01:34:36,880
Our father earned our respect.

1755
01:34:40,500 --> 01:34:41,800
Your father...

1756
01:34:42,800 --> 01:34:44,260
sells carpets.

1757
01:34:45,840 --> 01:34:50,640
I think I will make him
watch you die, Machine.

1758
01:34:53,350 --> 01:34:54,850
My name's not Machine.

1759
01:34:59,230 --> 01:35:02,440
My name is Albert Charles Kreischer III,

1760
01:35:02,440 --> 01:35:05,070
son to Albert Charles Kreischer Jr.,

1761
01:35:05,070 --> 01:35:08,030
owner and operator of Kreischer Karpets,

1762
01:35:08,030 --> 01:35:11,370
the best goddamn carpets
you can find in Southwest Florida!

1763
01:35:11,370 --> 01:35:13,950
Three convenient locations.

1764
01:35:13,950 --> 01:35:15,540
Tell him, Dad!

1765
01:35:15,540 --> 01:35:18,830
And if I ever see
your albino-looking ass again,

1766
01:35:18,830 --> 01:35:20,540
I'm gonna whip it quick as a bitch.

1767
01:35:20,540 --> 01:35:22,960
And last, but surely not least,

1768
01:35:22,960 --> 01:35:25,220
I'm gonna need that knife back.
That's a family heirloom.

1769
01:35:25,800 --> 01:35:26,720
Hm.

1770
01:35:27,800 --> 01:35:29,970
- You want knife?
- Oh, yeah.

1771
01:35:32,810 --> 01:35:34,850
Oh, I wouldn't--
I wouldn't do it that way, though.

1772
01:35:35,770 --> 01:35:36,940
Uh-oh.

1773
01:35:38,770 --> 01:35:41,440
I would have someone help you.
Oh, God. It's--

1774
01:35:41,440 --> 01:35:44,280
Oh, my Jesus. That's how Steve Irwin died.

1775
01:35:52,160 --> 01:35:54,870
Oh, my God.

1776
01:35:55,830 --> 01:35:58,620
You work out every day? That's--
Looks like an everyday thing.

1777
01:35:58,620 --> 01:36:00,920
- Enough talk.
- All right, yep.

1778
01:36:03,130 --> 01:36:04,920
Oh. So now's when we bang, huh?

1779
01:36:47,710 --> 01:36:49,010
Okay, here we go.

1780
01:36:58,680 --> 01:37:00,270
So you can fight.

1781
01:37:01,060 --> 01:37:02,350
I went to Florida State.

1782
01:37:02,980 --> 01:37:05,360
All we know how to do is fight,
fuck, and drink.

1783
01:37:05,940 --> 01:37:07,610
And I can't fuck worth shit.

1784
01:37:33,130 --> 01:37:35,220
Oh. I just got that crown.

1785
01:37:42,640 --> 01:37:45,110
Would you like to know
why I hate you, Machine?

1786
01:37:45,110 --> 01:37:47,020
Oh, I'm dying to know.

1787
01:37:47,020 --> 01:37:51,700
All my life, men were measured
against your stupid legend.

1788
01:37:53,990 --> 01:37:55,370
"The best."

1789
01:37:56,320 --> 01:37:57,780
"The man's man."

1790
01:37:58,410 --> 01:37:59,830
I say, fuck that!

1791
01:38:01,200 --> 01:38:03,460
So I worked
to make myself better than you.

1792
01:38:04,170 --> 01:38:05,880
Stronger than you.

1793
01:38:05,880 --> 01:38:07,750
Look at you now, Machine.

1794
01:38:07,750 --> 01:38:09,250
You are nothing.

1795
01:38:13,760 --> 01:38:16,430
So dramatic, Alexei.

1796
01:38:16,430 --> 01:38:18,430
All these fucking speeches.

1797
01:38:22,600 --> 01:38:23,600
Irina.

1798
01:38:23,600 --> 01:38:27,610
Typical macho bullshit.

1799
01:38:29,480 --> 01:38:32,280
- Oh, Dad!
- Whoa, whoa, my arm!

1800
01:38:32,280 --> 01:38:34,610
- Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
- Son...

1801
01:38:35,530 --> 01:38:37,530
you didn't show fear.

1802
01:39:03,770 --> 01:39:04,730
Enough!

1803
01:39:18,990 --> 01:39:21,790
Is this how I raised you?

1804
01:39:30,380 --> 01:39:31,590
Your watch, Papa.

1805
01:39:41,100 --> 01:39:43,470
I brought it here to return it to you.

1806
01:39:51,150 --> 01:39:52,270
So...

1807
01:39:55,990 --> 01:39:58,070
it's clear that I have won.

1808
01:40:00,410 --> 01:40:04,290
Oh, Irina. My beautiful daughter.

1809
01:40:04,990 --> 01:40:07,210
You want to take over?

1810
01:40:07,210 --> 01:40:10,380
You cannot even kill brother.

1811
01:40:10,380 --> 01:40:13,500
You become friends with idiot.

1812
01:40:14,130 --> 01:40:16,670
I would never give this to you.

1813
01:40:18,130 --> 01:40:20,390
Actually, can I step in for a second?

1814
01:40:21,640 --> 01:40:24,350
I think you guys should talk it out.
Now, me and my dad...

1815
01:40:25,310 --> 01:40:27,600
- This is Russia.
- Okay, okay.

1816
01:40:27,600 --> 01:40:31,350
We don't do your weak,
America, lovey-huggy shit.

1817
01:40:33,480 --> 01:40:36,940
Hugs are for pussies.

1818
01:40:37,530 --> 01:40:39,070
Well, that explains a lot.

1819
01:40:43,160 --> 01:40:46,040
Alexei understands.

1820
01:40:47,120 --> 01:40:50,210
It is why he will run family.

1821
01:40:51,000 --> 01:40:52,500
You are weak.

1822
01:40:52,500 --> 01:40:54,750
A leader must be a wolf.

1823
01:40:56,500 --> 01:40:59,550
Kill or be killed.

1824
01:40:59,550 --> 01:41:01,550
If you do not like it,

1825
01:41:02,930 --> 01:41:05,260
take it up with God.

1826
01:41:07,270 --> 01:41:08,730
But you first.

1827
01:41:32,290 --> 01:41:34,080
Did I do that?

1828
01:41:36,750 --> 01:41:40,470
I am definitely watching
<i>Family Matters</i> when we get home.

1829
01:42:03,150 --> 01:42:04,950
Look at that! Look at that! Look at that!

1830
01:42:06,910 --> 01:42:10,080
Irina, we can work together.

1831
01:42:10,080 --> 01:42:11,290
I am your brother.

1832
01:42:11,290 --> 01:42:12,790
Shut the fuck up!

1833
01:42:17,880 --> 01:42:20,210
Take him to our family <i>dacha</i>
while I decide

1834
01:42:20,210 --> 01:42:22,920
which part of him to cut off
for his insolence.

1835
01:42:24,220 --> 01:42:26,430
Fuck you, bitch. This is Russia.

1836
01:42:26,430 --> 01:42:30,010
- Machine, I will kill you someday!

1837
01:42:30,010 --> 01:42:31,980
- I don't think so.
-  I will come for you!

1838
01:42:31,980 --> 01:42:34,060
- I don't know about that.
- Machine!

1839
01:42:34,060 --> 01:42:36,230
- I can't hear you.
- I will come for you!

1840
01:42:36,230 --> 01:42:38,690
Whoo! Go, me! Right?

1841
01:42:38,690 --> 01:42:39,860
That was awesome!

1842
01:42:39,860 --> 01:42:41,900
Thank you, Bert. You inspired me.

1843
01:42:41,900 --> 01:42:42,820
Wait, how?

1844
01:42:42,820 --> 01:42:45,200
When you said you're going
to kill your dad at Igor's house.

1845
01:42:45,200 --> 01:42:48,410
- You said you were gonna kill me?
- Well, yeah. You kicked me off a train.

1846
01:42:48,410 --> 01:42:50,990
Now go, before police shows up.

1847
01:42:51,580 --> 01:42:52,660
- And, Bert.
- Yeah?

1848
01:42:52,660 --> 01:42:54,210
Your daughter is sweet.

1849
01:42:54,210 --> 01:42:56,830
My DJ friend tells me she's a good girl.

1850
01:42:56,830 --> 01:42:59,790
- Some drugs. But smoke, not snort.
- Okay.

1851
01:42:59,790 --> 01:43:01,550
- Good girl.
- Yeah.

1852
01:43:07,140 --> 01:43:08,340
You're a good dad.

1853
01:43:08,340 --> 01:43:09,680
Keep it up.

1854
01:43:10,220 --> 01:43:13,390
Or else your daughter may kill you.

1855
01:43:13,390 --> 01:43:15,560
Oh...

1856
01:43:17,020 --> 01:43:18,100
Thanks, Irina.

1857
01:43:19,520 --> 01:43:21,190
See you around, pussy boy.

1858
01:43:39,750 --> 01:43:42,050
Hey, deuces. Bye.

1859
01:43:42,050 --> 01:43:43,130
Bye, girl.

1860
01:43:46,880 --> 01:43:48,720
- Dad?
-  Keep it, sir. Thank you.

1861
01:43:48,720 --> 01:43:51,300
- Dad, look. Mom said that...
- Oh, my gosh!

1862
01:43:51,300 --> 01:43:53,010
- There she is! Come here!
- What?

1863
01:43:53,010 --> 01:43:54,640
Oh, my God, I love you.

1864
01:43:54,640 --> 01:43:57,640
I am so sorry. You are a fantastic kid.

1865
01:43:58,940 --> 01:44:01,730
No, look. I'm really sorry.
I was really mean at the party.

1866
01:44:02,820 --> 01:44:05,150
Look at us. We're apologizing.

1867
01:44:05,150 --> 01:44:07,070
I should be kidnapped to Russia
once a year

1868
01:44:07,070 --> 01:44:09,570
- just to make this happen, right?
- What?

1869
01:44:09,570 --> 01:44:11,160
Oh, there's the smile.

1870
01:44:11,160 --> 01:44:13,450
You did that smile
when you were a little girl.

1871
01:44:13,450 --> 01:44:15,240
You're still my little girl.

1872
01:44:16,660 --> 01:44:18,580
Oh! And there's my woman.

1873
01:44:18,580 --> 01:44:21,630
Oh, well, well.
It's nice to see you two back.

1874
01:44:21,630 --> 01:44:24,090
I hope you worked out
your shit finally be--

1875
01:44:28,050 --> 01:44:28,930
Mmm.

1876
01:44:30,340 --> 01:44:31,340
Wow.

1877
01:44:32,350 --> 01:44:33,470
The fuck are you wearing?

1878
01:44:33,470 --> 01:44:36,640
- Oh, my God, what is that smell?
- Okay, these are clothes.

1879
01:44:36,640 --> 01:44:38,180
I do not know what that smell is.

1880
01:44:38,180 --> 01:44:39,770
- Did you go to Vegas?
- I did not go to Vegas.

1881
01:44:39,770 --> 01:44:41,730
- Where's your dad?
- Dad's in Florida.

1882
01:44:41,730 --> 01:44:44,270
He's got a doctor buddy he plays golf with
who doesn't ask any questions.

1883
01:44:44,270 --> 01:44:46,070
We could all use one of those,
right, guys? Am I kidding?

1884
01:44:46,070 --> 01:44:48,700
- Dad! Hey!
- Oh, there she is!

1885
01:44:48,700 --> 01:44:50,150
From the top rope!

1886
01:44:50,150 --> 01:44:51,910
Oh, my gosh!

1887
01:44:51,910 --> 01:44:53,830
Oh, I love you! My favorite daughter!

1888
01:44:53,830 --> 01:44:55,540
- Just kidding. I'm not kidding.
- Hey.

1889
01:44:55,540 --> 01:44:57,750
I can't wait till you get kidnapped.

1890
01:44:58,910 --> 01:45:01,120
- What?
- Guys, Dad's back!

1891
01:45:01,120 --> 01:45:03,330
Dad's back! It's old-school Dad!

1892
01:45:03,330 --> 01:45:04,670
How was your week?

1893
01:45:05,210 --> 01:45:07,300
Oof. Complicated.

1894
01:45:07,300 --> 01:45:10,510
<i>Dear Ashley, are you still hot? I'm not.</i>

1895
01:45:10,510 --> 01:45:12,680
<i>I don't expect you to forgive me,</i>

1896
01:45:12,680 --> 01:45:14,970
<i>but I wanted to keep my promise.</i>

1897
01:45:14,970 --> 01:45:17,680
<i>Gifts are an important aspect
of Russian life.</i>

1898
01:45:17,680 --> 01:45:19,680
<i>So are apologies.</i>

1899
01:45:19,680 --> 01:45:21,230
<i>This is mine.</i>

1900
01:45:21,940 --> 01:45:24,690
Last week,
the subject of your father came up,

1901
01:45:24,690 --> 01:45:26,690
and I thought we could explore that.

1902
01:45:27,690 --> 01:45:29,360
Jesus Christ, Dad. That Annika girl.

1903
01:45:29,360 --> 01:45:32,660
- Did you wear condoms?
- Oh, oh, oh. Will you stop? Stop.

1904
01:45:32,660 --> 01:45:34,240
- I'm just saying.
- I don't want to hear it again.

1905
01:45:34,240 --> 01:45:35,910
Please put that down the memory hole.

1906
01:45:35,910 --> 01:45:37,120
I can't, Dad.

1907
01:45:37,120 --> 01:45:39,450
Since when do you have
such a razor-sharp memory?

1908
01:45:39,450 --> 01:45:40,370
What happened--

1909
01:45:40,370 --> 01:45:42,830
When you say things like,
"Your mom is a missionary woman."

1910
01:45:42,830 --> 01:45:44,040
<i>Oh, no!</i>

1911
01:45:44,040 --> 01:45:45,880
Nah, we're good.

1912
01:45:46,590 --> 01:45:47,590
You and your father?

1913
01:45:47,590 --> 01:45:50,260
Yeah. We're thick as thieves.
Butch and Sundance.

1914
01:45:50,260 --> 01:45:51,340
- Really?
- Yeah.

1915
01:45:52,380 --> 01:45:55,760
Well, if you don't mind,
can I ask how that resolved itself?

1916
01:45:55,760 --> 01:45:57,930
You can ask, but I don't think
you're gonna believe me.

1917
01:45:57,930 --> 01:45:59,600
Well, humor me.

1918
01:46:00,770 --> 01:46:01,770
Hm...

1919
01:46:03,230 --> 01:46:04,230
All right.

1920
01:46:05,400 --> 01:46:08,020
When I was 48 years old,
I got involved with the Russian mafia.

1921
01:46:08,020 --> 01:46:09,280
Here's how it happened.

1922
01:46:10,360 --> 01:46:14,950
<i>♪ Father of mine
Tell me where have you been ♪</i>

1923
01:46:14,950 --> 01:46:20,200
<i>♪ You know I just closed my eyes
My whole world disappeared ♪</i>

1924
01:46:20,200 --> 01:46:24,830
<i>♪ Father of mine
Take me back to the day ♪</i>

1925
01:46:24,830 --> 01:46:29,840
<i>♪ Yeah, when I was still your golden boy
Back before you went away ♪</i>

1926
01:46:29,840 --> 01:46:34,800
<i>♪ I remember blue skies
Walking the block ♪</i>

1927
01:46:34,800 --> 01:46:39,680
<i>♪ I loved it when you held me high
I loved to hear you talk ♪</i>

1928
01:46:39,680 --> 01:46:44,640
<i>♪ You would take me to the movies
You would take me to the beach ♪</i>

1929
01:46:44,640 --> 01:46:49,480
<i>♪ You would take me to a place inside
That is so hard to reach ♪</i>

1930
01:46:58,830 --> 01:47:00,030
What's up, Florida?

1931
01:47:00,030 --> 01:47:01,410
It's your boy, Bert Kreischer.

1932
01:47:01,410 --> 01:47:02,950
The Machine.

1933
01:47:02,950 --> 01:47:04,410
I love three things:

1934
01:47:04,410 --> 01:47:05,870
- Having a great time...
-  Yeah!

1935
01:47:05,870 --> 01:47:07,710
...making sure
other people have a great time,

1936
01:47:07,710 --> 01:47:08,880
and quality carpets

1937
01:47:08,880 --> 01:47:11,170
- delivered at a reasonable price.
-  Oh, yeah!

1938
01:47:11,170 --> 01:47:13,210
That's why,
if you're looking for some acrylic,

1939
01:47:13,210 --> 01:47:16,510
wool, plush, saxony, or level loop...

1940
01:47:16,510 --> 01:47:18,090
None of that nylon shit.

1941
01:47:18,090 --> 01:47:20,430
...you need to find your way
to a Kreischer Karpets.

1942
01:47:20,430 --> 01:47:22,850
It's my dad's business,
and he's right here.

1943
01:47:22,850 --> 01:47:24,100
Say hi, Dad.

1944
01:47:24,810 --> 01:47:27,810
Hey, son. You can't say a swear on TV.

1945
01:47:27,810 --> 01:47:30,690
The best goddamn carpets
in Southwest Florida.

1946
01:47:30,690 --> 01:47:33,860
That's Kreischer Karpets,
spelled weirdly with a K.

1947
01:47:33,860 --> 01:47:35,030
Take it off, Dad.

1948
01:47:35,820 --> 01:47:37,160
Okay, fine.

1949
01:47:40,530 --> 01:47:43,450
Did we mention we have
three convenient locations?