1 00:00:07,291 --> 00:00:08,708 ♪ I swear ♪ 2 00:00:09,791 --> 00:00:14,625 ♪ By the moon and the stars in the sky ♪ 3 00:00:15,583 --> 00:00:18,375 -♪ And I swear ♪ -♪ I swear ♪ 4 00:00:18,458 --> 00:00:23,916 ♪ Like the shadow that's by your side ♪ 5 00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:27,791 -♪ I'll be there ♪ -♪ I'll be there ♪ 6 00:00:27,875 --> 00:00:30,875 ♪ For better or worse ♪ 7 00:00:30,958 --> 00:00:31,958 ♪ I'll love you with… ♪ 8 00:00:32,041 --> 00:00:33,666 So, what do you think? 9 00:00:33,750 --> 00:00:38,208 Maury, I think it's a perfect way to catch people up from last season, 10 00:00:38,291 --> 00:00:42,541 and the perfect montage to show at Montel's Jizz Mitzvah. 11 00:00:42,625 --> 00:00:45,291 Well, I am quite taken with my own handiwork. 12 00:00:45,375 --> 00:00:47,291 Oh! Speaking of handiwork… [gasps] 13 00:00:47,375 --> 00:00:49,875 …we should offer handies at the Jizz Mitzvah. 14 00:00:49,958 --> 00:00:52,625 "Hire handyman to give hand jobs." 15 00:00:52,708 --> 00:00:54,666 I can't believe our sweet Montel 16 00:00:54,750 --> 00:00:58,250 is officially joining the Hormone Monster community. 17 00:00:58,333 --> 00:01:01,291 It feels like just yesterday they shot out of my asshole 18 00:01:01,375 --> 00:01:02,583 and into our lives. 19 00:01:02,666 --> 00:01:03,708 Ugh, so true. 20 00:01:03,791 --> 00:01:08,250 Oh, not to be dramatic, but if everything in this ceremony doesn't go perfectly, 21 00:01:08,333 --> 00:01:11,083 I'll light my apartment on fire while we're all inside. 22 00:01:11,166 --> 00:01:13,083 Maury, will you try to relax? 23 00:01:13,166 --> 00:01:14,416 "Relax"? 24 00:01:14,500 --> 00:01:16,958 I still have to lock down the dick-pic photo booth. 25 00:01:17,041 --> 00:01:20,916 I haven't even confirmed the ice sculpture depicting Montel's conception. 26 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:25,041 Okay, but let's not forget the true meaning of this Jizz Mitzvah. 27 00:01:25,125 --> 00:01:28,333 Montel jacking off on stage behind a sheer curtain 28 00:01:28,416 --> 00:01:30,875 while we all wait for ejaculation. 29 00:01:30,958 --> 00:01:34,125 Ooh! Which of these gimp suits should I wear on the big day? 30 00:01:34,208 --> 00:01:36,125 Should I showcase my arms or my balls? 31 00:01:36,208 --> 00:01:39,375 Oh God, not more of this garbage. 32 00:01:39,458 --> 00:01:42,166 But it's all for you, my sweet baby! 33 00:01:42,250 --> 00:01:43,916 For me? Oh, please! 34 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:46,166 I'm just there to put on a little jack-off show 35 00:01:46,250 --> 00:01:48,458 for your friends and a couple elected officials. 36 00:01:48,541 --> 00:01:52,250 Montel, have you been using the sheet I put up for stroke practice? 37 00:01:52,333 --> 00:01:57,166 I don't need to practice. I already know how to whack off. Gawd-ah! 38 00:01:57,250 --> 00:01:59,708 But you've never done it in front of everyone who loves you. 39 00:01:59,791 --> 00:02:01,000 You might get stage fright. 40 00:02:01,083 --> 00:02:03,875 Yeah, like your father at his Jizz Mitzvah. 41 00:02:03,958 --> 00:02:06,416 -Connie! -What? That's what happened, right? 42 00:02:06,500 --> 00:02:08,750 Yeah, but they don't need to know that! 43 00:02:08,833 --> 00:02:11,333 -[Maury] Jeez Louise! -♪ That's just the way you make me feel ♪ 44 00:02:11,416 --> 00:02:13,208 ♪ That's just the way you make me feel ♪ 45 00:02:13,291 --> 00:02:16,583 -♪ That's just the way you make me feel ♪ -♪ That's just the way you make me feel ♪ 46 00:02:16,666 --> 00:02:19,375 ♪ A-ha So real, so good, so fuckin' real ♪ 47 00:02:19,458 --> 00:02:21,500 -♪ So real, so good, so fuckin' real ♪ -♪ A-ha ♪ 48 00:02:21,583 --> 00:02:23,333 ♪ That's just the way you make me feel ♪ 49 00:02:23,416 --> 00:02:25,625 ♪ That's just the way you make me feel ♪ 50 00:02:25,708 --> 00:02:30,666 ♪ It's like I'm powerful With a little bit of tender ♪ 51 00:02:30,750 --> 00:02:34,833 ♪ An emotional, sexual bender ♪ 52 00:02:34,916 --> 00:02:39,250 ♪ Mess me up, yeah But no one does it better ♪ 53 00:02:39,333 --> 00:02:41,416 ♪ There's nothing better ♪ 54 00:02:41,500 --> 00:02:43,583 ♪ That's just the way you make me feel ♪ 55 00:02:44,541 --> 00:02:46,875 -I know, Lucinda, and I am so sorry. -[phone rings] 56 00:02:46,958 --> 00:02:48,958 I've got two clients named Lucinda, 57 00:02:49,041 --> 00:02:52,541 and I thought you were Lucinda P, but you're Lucinda B, 58 00:02:52,625 --> 00:02:55,833 and that's why you acted so inappropriately with your boss. 59 00:02:55,916 --> 00:02:59,291 Because Lucinda P is fucking her boss, 60 00:02:59,375 --> 00:03:03,041 and I know it's toxic, but love is love, right? [laughs] 61 00:03:03,583 --> 00:03:04,583 Hello? 62 00:03:05,166 --> 00:03:06,208 Hello? 63 00:03:06,291 --> 00:03:08,583 [sighs] Well, I've lost another one. 64 00:03:08,666 --> 00:03:10,833 Mmm, see, Emmy, this is why I keep 65 00:03:10,916 --> 00:03:13,666 both paper and digital folders for each of my clients. 66 00:03:13,750 --> 00:03:16,083 Color-coded, of course, so that I never mix them up. 67 00:03:16,166 --> 00:03:19,250 Pete, I'm not you. I'm not meant to be good at my job. 68 00:03:19,333 --> 00:03:21,625 Labor does not agree with me. 69 00:03:21,708 --> 00:03:24,500 [groans] When will my life get fun again? 70 00:03:24,583 --> 00:03:28,041 -Well, I think work can be fun. -Oh, Pete, honey. 71 00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:30,041 You have no idea how to be fun. 72 00:03:30,125 --> 00:03:32,250 -Yes, I do. Look at my mug. -[scoffs] 73 00:03:32,333 --> 00:03:34,041 [Emmy] "Don't Vark Too Aard"? 74 00:03:34,125 --> 00:03:37,416 It's an aardvark in a… [chuckles] …in a suit, like a businessman. 75 00:03:37,500 --> 00:03:39,041 -[Pete laughs] -[groans] 76 00:03:39,125 --> 00:03:42,083 Oh, God, another client? 77 00:03:42,166 --> 00:03:45,000 "Sarah K. Twenty-eight. Clinton Hill"? 78 00:03:45,083 --> 00:03:46,166 [exhales] 79 00:03:46,250 --> 00:03:49,375 I'm gonna go sit on the toilet and pretend to poop to avoid working. 80 00:03:49,458 --> 00:03:52,791 Also, one time I hit a beach ball at a sporting event. 81 00:03:52,875 --> 00:03:54,208 I'm very fun! 82 00:03:54,291 --> 00:03:57,541 I think you're fun, Pete. I saw you eat a frozen banana yesterday. 83 00:03:57,625 --> 00:04:00,666 -I know. It's almost like ice cream. -[chuckles] Oh, Pete. 84 00:04:00,750 --> 00:04:01,625 -[grunts] -Ahh! 85 00:04:01,708 --> 00:04:06,125 Rochelle, you lovable, fuckable, buggable girlfriend of mine. 86 00:04:06,208 --> 00:04:08,791 Dante, is this charcuterie basket for me? 87 00:04:08,875 --> 00:04:10,083 I may have lost my meat, 88 00:04:10,166 --> 00:04:13,125 but I've still got cheddar to spend on my girl. 89 00:04:13,208 --> 00:04:16,625 -Hold this for me, chief. -Oh, uh… Oh, okay. 90 00:04:16,708 --> 00:04:18,000 [kissing, moaning] 91 00:04:18,583 --> 00:04:21,125 Um, uh, yeah, I actually just remembered 92 00:04:21,208 --> 00:04:25,458 I have to conduct business here at my work desk. 93 00:04:26,041 --> 00:04:29,541 Wow, a full meat basket? That is love, Gil. 94 00:04:29,625 --> 00:04:32,291 Hey, Joe, why don't you ever buy me a meat basket? 95 00:04:32,375 --> 00:04:35,458 Come on, Gilly, you know I love you. 96 00:04:35,541 --> 00:04:37,708 Well, say it with mortadella, please. 97 00:04:37,791 --> 00:04:38,666 [sniffs] 98 00:04:38,750 --> 00:04:41,000 I miss you even when I'm with you, babe. 99 00:04:41,083 --> 00:04:42,750 -God, I know. -Mm! 100 00:04:42,833 --> 00:04:44,666 Let's sneak to the bathroom together, yeah? 101 00:04:44,750 --> 00:04:46,916 Ugh, I wish I could, but I have work. 102 00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:48,583 I'll just get under the desk then, yeah? 103 00:04:48,666 --> 00:04:50,500 I have to taste you, babe, or I'll go mental. 104 00:04:50,583 --> 00:04:53,208 [chuckles] Dante! In the office? 105 00:04:53,291 --> 00:04:56,791 -Uh, you guys aren't actually gonna…? -Oh, yes. We are. 106 00:04:56,875 --> 00:04:58,208 Okay, um… 107 00:04:58,291 --> 00:05:01,833 I'm just gonna go sit on the toilet and pretend to have a bowel movement. 108 00:05:01,916 --> 00:05:03,833 -[chuckles] This is so inappropriate. -[Dante] Mm! 109 00:05:03,916 --> 00:05:05,958 [Walter] Aww, look at those two. 110 00:05:06,041 --> 00:05:08,083 They can't keep their hands off each other. 111 00:05:08,166 --> 00:05:10,791 -I know. It's disgusting. -It's sweet. 112 00:05:10,875 --> 00:05:12,666 You know I love love. 113 00:05:12,750 --> 00:05:15,875 He's giving her oral pleasures under her desk, Walter. 114 00:05:15,958 --> 00:05:18,416 Ew! Can't you just call it something normal? 115 00:05:18,500 --> 00:05:19,333 Yeah, whatever. 116 00:05:19,416 --> 00:05:23,041 -Cunnilingus isn't what I'm interested in. -I am. 117 00:05:23,125 --> 00:05:25,291 There's something weird going on with those two dudes. 118 00:05:25,375 --> 00:05:28,625 -Is there? -You noticed Dante seems to hate Pete? 119 00:05:28,708 --> 00:05:31,791 Well, he did cut off Dante's dick. 120 00:05:31,875 --> 00:05:34,041 Nah, the guy had three dicks, 121 00:05:34,125 --> 00:05:36,250 and Pete saved his life. It's more than that. 122 00:05:36,333 --> 00:05:39,083 You don't think you should just mind your own business 123 00:05:39,166 --> 00:05:41,125 and respect their privacy? 124 00:05:41,958 --> 00:05:43,708 [laughing] 125 00:05:43,791 --> 00:05:44,875 I'm just kidding. 126 00:05:44,958 --> 00:05:45,958 We're coworkers. 127 00:05:46,041 --> 00:05:49,500 -Their business is our business. -[laughs] You right. 128 00:05:50,166 --> 00:05:53,958 -Maury, baby, you need to calm down. -"Calm down"? 129 00:05:54,041 --> 00:05:55,583 If I don't get Wolfbang Fuck 130 00:05:55,666 --> 00:05:57,791 to do the passed apps for this Jizz Mitzvah, 131 00:05:57,875 --> 00:05:59,833 I'm going to freak out. 132 00:05:59,916 --> 00:06:03,500 Oh! The preparations are underway, I see. 133 00:06:03,583 --> 00:06:05,958 -I look forward to the big day. -What'd you just say? 134 00:06:06,041 --> 00:06:10,916 I even bought a sexy new fashion belt from a mean teenager at Hot Topic. 135 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:12,250 Why you buying belts? 136 00:06:12,333 --> 00:06:15,375 -Why, for the Jizz Mitzvah, of course. -Hey! How do you know about that? 137 00:06:15,458 --> 00:06:17,750 And Maury, look at you. 138 00:06:17,833 --> 00:06:20,375 Making your baby body a forever body. 139 00:06:20,458 --> 00:06:21,916 -[groans] -Very brave. 140 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:24,583 -Maury, did you invite him? -Of course not. 141 00:06:24,666 --> 00:06:28,041 We went to great lengths to invite everyone in the office but him. 142 00:06:28,125 --> 00:06:29,625 -Well, he cannot come. -[dish shatters] 143 00:06:29,708 --> 00:06:32,625 This is an event that should be totally free of shame. 144 00:06:32,708 --> 00:06:34,791 Yeah, he'll just make people feel bad 145 00:06:34,875 --> 00:06:36,875 for watching our offspring squirt their nut. 146 00:06:36,958 --> 00:06:41,000 Exactly. Let's go tell him to shove his new belt up his ancient anus. 147 00:06:41,083 --> 00:06:43,000 Yeah, buckle first. 148 00:06:43,708 --> 00:06:47,833 Okay, Sarah K. Please be an easy one. Mama needs a win. 149 00:06:47,916 --> 00:06:52,250 Thanks, Raoul. Put it on my tab and give yourself a nice fat tip. 150 00:06:52,333 --> 00:06:54,708 -You are a prince among men. -Mmm. 151 00:06:54,791 --> 00:06:57,916 Okay. Nice to bartenders. She seems cool. 152 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:00,958 Hey, Sarah, I'm Emmy, your new Lovebug, 153 00:07:01,041 --> 00:07:03,333 and possibly your new best friend. [chuckles] 154 00:07:03,416 --> 00:07:04,458 Oh. Okay. 155 00:07:04,541 --> 00:07:07,041 So, uh, what are you loving these days? 156 00:07:07,125 --> 00:07:09,833 Boys? Girls? Cold, hard cash? [chuckles] 157 00:07:09,916 --> 00:07:13,125 Well, I dunno. I guess I'm just lovin' life. 158 00:07:13,208 --> 00:07:17,166 All right. No red flags here. Mind if I, uh, pull up a stool? 159 00:07:17,250 --> 00:07:19,333 -[Van] Well, well, well. -Wow. 160 00:07:19,416 --> 00:07:21,708 Who's this cute little bumblebee? 161 00:07:21,791 --> 00:07:22,958 Who are you? 162 00:07:23,041 --> 00:07:26,083 -I'm Van, Sarah's Logic Rock. -Cool. 163 00:07:26,166 --> 00:07:29,041 And now it's your turn, girly. Who are you? 164 00:07:29,125 --> 00:07:31,958 Oh, I'm, uh, Emmy, her new Lovebug. 165 00:07:32,041 --> 00:07:34,208 I see. Fuck right off, Emmy. 166 00:07:34,291 --> 00:07:36,250 Cool. Wait, wait, what? 167 00:07:36,333 --> 00:07:40,083 Nothing personal. We're just not big on love. Right, Sarah? 168 00:07:40,166 --> 00:07:43,083 -Yeah, love's so complicated and messy. -Oh… 169 00:07:43,166 --> 00:07:46,125 And these humans, they're only alive for, like, what? 170 00:07:46,208 --> 00:07:48,875 -Eighty, ninety years? -Sometimes less. 171 00:07:48,958 --> 00:07:54,125 So, honey, my philosophy is maximize pleasure, minimize pain. 172 00:07:54,208 --> 00:07:55,916 No, no! Hold-- Hold on. [chuckles] 173 00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:59,541 Pleasure's actually my whole thing. It's kinda all I care about. 174 00:07:59,625 --> 00:08:03,291 Come on, Van. Let her stick around. It's Tipsy Tuesday. 175 00:08:03,375 --> 00:08:07,583 I'm fun, I promise. So fun, I didn't even know it was Tuesday. 176 00:08:07,666 --> 00:08:10,750 All right, but you gotta catch up and keep up. 177 00:08:10,833 --> 00:08:12,666 [gurgling] 178 00:08:13,833 --> 00:08:15,250 Told you I was fun. 179 00:08:15,333 --> 00:08:16,583 [gags, swallows] 180 00:08:16,666 --> 00:08:18,041 I'm actua… I'm good. 181 00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:22,208 All right, lightning round. Greatest shame. Kitty. 182 00:08:22,291 --> 00:08:24,833 Ooh! She secretly loves Ted Lasso. 183 00:08:24,916 --> 00:08:26,041 -[chuckles] -Correct. 184 00:08:26,125 --> 00:08:29,291 Montel, what the hell are you doin' with the Shame Wizard? 185 00:08:29,375 --> 00:08:32,291 Please tell me you two are planning a terrorist attack. 186 00:08:32,375 --> 00:08:34,375 -Lionel's been mentoring me. -Exsquirt me? 187 00:08:34,458 --> 00:08:38,750 Montel is quite gifted at pinpointing one's greatest shame. 188 00:08:38,833 --> 00:08:40,041 Observe. Gil. 189 00:08:40,125 --> 00:08:43,083 Ooh! Thinks about Joe when he's making love to his wife. 190 00:08:43,166 --> 00:08:44,541 Indeed. Joe. 191 00:08:44,625 --> 00:08:46,916 Thinks about his wife when he's making love to Gil. 192 00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:48,750 Brilliant! Maury. 193 00:08:48,833 --> 00:08:50,125 Everyone loves Connie more. 194 00:08:50,208 --> 00:08:52,625 He'll always live in the shadow of her fabulousness. 195 00:08:52,708 --> 00:08:53,958 -Hey! How dare you! -Ahh! 196 00:08:54,041 --> 00:08:55,791 I mean, that is very insightful. 197 00:08:55,875 --> 00:08:57,291 No, it's not. Not insightful. 198 00:08:57,375 --> 00:09:00,666 Montel, why are you doing all of this bullshit 199 00:09:00,750 --> 00:09:02,875 instead of preparing for your Jizz Mitzvah? 200 00:09:02,958 --> 00:09:07,416 Because, Mama Maury, I've been thinking, and… [sighs] …I don't want a Jizz Mitzvah. 201 00:09:07,500 --> 00:09:09,416 [gasps] But my big binder. 202 00:09:09,500 --> 00:09:13,125 Baby, your father's been going overboard with the whole event-- 203 00:09:13,208 --> 00:09:14,708 Shut the door. I'm burning us alive. 204 00:09:14,791 --> 00:09:17,541 We can make it smaller, more intimate-- 205 00:09:17,625 --> 00:09:21,416 You don't get it. I don't want any kind of Jizz Mitzvah. 206 00:09:21,500 --> 00:09:24,125 But, sweetie, how will you be ritually welcomed 207 00:09:24,208 --> 00:09:26,833 into the community of Hormone Monsters? 208 00:09:26,916 --> 00:09:29,041 Well, that's just the thing. 209 00:09:29,125 --> 00:09:31,500 I don't want to be a Hormone Monster. 210 00:09:31,583 --> 00:09:33,541 -What?! -Oh, God! 211 00:09:33,625 --> 00:09:37,833 Maury, you were right the whole time. I wanna do the burning family thing. 212 00:09:37,916 --> 00:09:41,416 Oh, I wanna roast from the inside out. 213 00:09:41,500 --> 00:09:43,833 Oh, me too. 214 00:09:44,458 --> 00:09:46,875 That actually went better than I thought it would. 215 00:09:46,958 --> 00:09:49,208 Yes, but my office is burning. 216 00:09:49,708 --> 00:09:51,750 [playful music playing] 217 00:09:51,833 --> 00:09:55,083 Guys, if I don't pee right now, I'll fucking die. 218 00:09:55,166 --> 00:09:58,416 It's gonna absorb into my bloodstream and give me tinkle brain. 219 00:09:58,500 --> 00:10:01,708 -One of my mom's friends died from that. -We'll just go in the dudes' room. 220 00:10:02,875 --> 00:10:04,416 Uh, oh, my God. 221 00:10:04,500 --> 00:10:07,291 How the hell do this many guys have to take a dump at once? 222 00:10:07,375 --> 00:10:10,541 -Ooh, what if we tried a urinal? -Good call. Grab the middle one. 223 00:10:10,625 --> 00:10:13,250 So, do I, like, mount it straight on? 224 00:10:13,333 --> 00:10:15,541 -Nope, nope, nope, nope. -Backwards. Definitely backwards. 225 00:10:15,625 --> 00:10:17,416 -[Van] Oof, if you pee on me… -Ohhh. 226 00:10:17,500 --> 00:10:19,708 Sweet mother of all that is bright and shiny, 227 00:10:19,791 --> 00:10:22,375 that feels so good. 228 00:10:22,458 --> 00:10:24,666 Oh, uh… 229 00:10:24,750 --> 00:10:26,458 -Hi? -Uh, ahoy. 230 00:10:26,541 --> 00:10:28,333 I'm sorry. A-- Am I in the wrong, uh… 231 00:10:28,416 --> 00:10:31,208 Nope. Welcome to the men's room. 232 00:10:31,291 --> 00:10:34,750 Well, thank you for being such a nice host. 233 00:10:34,833 --> 00:10:36,458 -Aww, this guy's cute. -Ooh! 234 00:10:36,541 --> 00:10:40,250 [grunts] I-I'd love to let you finish, but I've really gotta pee. 235 00:10:40,333 --> 00:10:42,750 Nah, don't be silly, big dawg. 236 00:10:42,833 --> 00:10:44,791 Unzip. Unfurl. 237 00:10:44,875 --> 00:10:48,875 Okay, "big dawg" is, uh, unfurling… 238 00:10:48,958 --> 00:10:50,250 Woo! 239 00:10:50,333 --> 00:10:52,041 -[laughs] -Don't look, if you don't mind. 240 00:10:52,125 --> 00:10:54,916 Don't wanna look if you don't want me to look. 241 00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:56,666 That means there's nothing worth looking at. 242 00:10:56,750 --> 00:10:58,291 That's not what I'm-- You know what? 243 00:10:58,375 --> 00:11:01,541 As a rule, we typically don't talk to each other in the men's room. 244 00:11:01,625 --> 00:11:04,375 [moans, sighs] 245 00:11:04,458 --> 00:11:05,750 What? I'm not talking. 246 00:11:05,833 --> 00:11:09,791 -Okay, but now you are, actually. -Yeah, because you looked at me. 247 00:11:09,875 --> 00:11:12,750 [man] Hey, can you guys flirt somewhere else? I'm trying to focus. 248 00:11:12,833 --> 00:11:15,666 -No, we're not flirting. -Yes, we are. 249 00:11:15,750 --> 00:11:17,958 Oh! Okay. Very cool. 250 00:11:18,041 --> 00:11:21,750 [whispering] Sarah, I peeked at his penis, and it's a good one. 251 00:11:23,041 --> 00:11:23,875 [screams] 252 00:11:23,958 --> 00:11:27,458 Wow, an impromptu invite to drinks with co-workers. 253 00:11:27,541 --> 00:11:30,333 Sounds like something that would happen to a fun individual. 254 00:11:30,416 --> 00:11:33,250 -Pete, that jacket. -Fun, right? 255 00:11:33,333 --> 00:11:36,875 -I was gonna say deeply upsetting. -All right. Enough chitchat. 256 00:11:36,958 --> 00:11:39,791 Pete, what the fuck's goin' on with you and Dante? 257 00:11:39,875 --> 00:11:41,000 Me and Dante? [chuckles] 258 00:11:41,083 --> 00:11:44,375 Boo-boo, it's obvious he hates your rock-hard guts. 259 00:11:44,458 --> 00:11:48,958 We just wanna know why, you sweet, beautiful baby boulder. 260 00:11:49,041 --> 00:11:50,500 The hell are you doing? 261 00:11:50,583 --> 00:11:53,916 I thought we'd play a little bad cop, fab cop. 262 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:55,083 I fuckin' love it. 263 00:11:55,166 --> 00:11:57,291 Now, tell us what else you did to Dante 264 00:11:57,375 --> 00:11:59,791 or I'll pull your heart outta your asshole! 265 00:11:59,875 --> 00:12:01,291 Wha-- Nothing, I swear. 266 00:12:01,375 --> 00:12:05,125 Petra, be nice to my pretty little pebble. 267 00:12:05,208 --> 00:12:09,666 -Pebble, spill the tea. Mwah. -What is happening? 268 00:12:09,750 --> 00:12:11,625 What'd you do, huh? Fuck his sister? 269 00:12:11,708 --> 00:12:13,250 -No, his mother? -What? 270 00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:15,791 Why'd you fuck his mother in front of his father? 271 00:12:15,875 --> 00:12:19,166 -What the hell's wrong with you? -Nothing. He's perfect. 272 00:12:19,250 --> 00:12:21,500 We're gonna open a restaurant together. 273 00:12:21,583 --> 00:12:22,541 [kisses] 274 00:12:22,625 --> 00:12:25,583 Stop yelling at me and kissing my forehead. 275 00:12:25,666 --> 00:12:29,041 Dante is only mad at me because I had to slowly cut off his penis. 276 00:12:29,125 --> 00:12:30,958 -[Rochelle] Hey, guys. -[laughs] 277 00:12:31,041 --> 00:12:32,958 -Nice jacket, mate. -Oh, thank you…? 278 00:12:33,041 --> 00:12:35,208 What'd you skin Barney the dino for that thing? 279 00:12:35,291 --> 00:12:37,041 -Shut up. -Fuckin' hideous. 280 00:12:37,125 --> 00:12:39,291 -I got him that jacket. [chuckles] -You did? 281 00:12:39,375 --> 00:12:40,708 Pete, you look great. 282 00:12:40,791 --> 00:12:42,541 Oh, I do? [chuckles] 283 00:12:42,625 --> 00:12:45,958 Uh, I-I mean, who cares what you think. Not me. 284 00:12:46,041 --> 00:12:47,000 Bullshit. 285 00:12:47,083 --> 00:12:49,250 I bet you prance around your apartment in it, 286 00:12:49,333 --> 00:12:51,291 calling yourself "Mr. Rochelle." 287 00:12:51,375 --> 00:12:53,250 Come on, Dante, leave him alone. 288 00:12:53,333 --> 00:12:56,208 Holy shit, that's why Dante hates you. 289 00:12:56,291 --> 00:12:58,125 You got a thing for Rochelle! 290 00:12:58,208 --> 00:12:59,375 No, I don't. 291 00:12:59,458 --> 00:13:02,375 That's why he wears the deeply upsetting jacket. 292 00:13:02,458 --> 00:13:05,291 -Just shut, shut, shut it. -Oh, we're good. 293 00:13:05,375 --> 00:13:06,958 Wow, wow, wow, wow. Okay. 294 00:13:07,041 --> 00:13:10,833 So you got the hots for Dante's girl, and then you cut off his dick? 295 00:13:10,916 --> 00:13:12,791 You're an evil genius. 296 00:13:12,875 --> 00:13:14,416 No, I had to cut it off. 297 00:13:14,500 --> 00:13:18,416 Of course you did, Pebble. Only two more to go. 298 00:13:18,500 --> 00:13:19,875 [laughs] 299 00:13:19,958 --> 00:13:21,875 [playful music playing] 300 00:13:21,958 --> 00:13:25,666 Can I ask, are you washing your hands because you got pee on them 301 00:13:25,750 --> 00:13:27,583 or because you have a filthy penis? 302 00:13:27,666 --> 00:13:31,166 Oh, this is actually the first time I've ever washed my hands. [chuckles] 303 00:13:31,250 --> 00:13:33,375 I just wanted to keep this weird hang going. 304 00:13:33,458 --> 00:13:35,125 Ew. But aww. 305 00:13:35,208 --> 00:13:39,041 I know, right? Meet-cute in the potty? Who'd have thought? 306 00:13:39,125 --> 00:13:41,750 Okay, keep your little glow in your pants, Emmy. 307 00:13:41,833 --> 00:13:42,708 Here it comes. 308 00:13:42,791 --> 00:13:46,958 [imitating Van] "Logically, you shouldn't be picking up guys in bar bathrooms." 309 00:13:47,041 --> 00:13:48,500 I don't sound like that. 310 00:13:48,583 --> 00:13:51,166 And logically, now that you've seen his penis, 311 00:13:51,250 --> 00:13:53,458 you should find out what that sucker tastes like. 312 00:13:53,541 --> 00:13:56,291 Huh! What does a human penis taste like? 313 00:13:56,375 --> 00:14:00,125 Mmm, it's nothing to write home about. At best, it tastes like soap. 314 00:14:00,208 --> 00:14:04,666 [laughs] Actually, at best, it tastes like you, darling. 315 00:14:04,750 --> 00:14:07,708 Hey, babe. All right, all right, let's fuck the urinal guy. 316 00:14:07,791 --> 00:14:10,458 Ready? On three. One, two, three… 317 00:14:10,541 --> 00:14:13,291 Let's fuck the urinal guy! 318 00:14:13,375 --> 00:14:14,208 [chuckles] 319 00:14:14,291 --> 00:14:15,875 What a delightful group. 320 00:14:15,958 --> 00:14:18,958 [Connie] Montel, sweetie, talk to me. 321 00:14:19,041 --> 00:14:22,125 What on earth are you gonna do if you're not a Hormone Monster? 322 00:14:22,208 --> 00:14:26,500 Well… I-- I plan to become a Shame Wizard. 323 00:14:26,583 --> 00:14:27,750 -What?! -No! 324 00:14:27,833 --> 00:14:29,708 I-- I've thought about this a lot. 325 00:14:29,791 --> 00:14:32,583 I like the clothes, I like seeing humans in a tortured state, 326 00:14:32,666 --> 00:14:34,500 and I think I'd be really good at it. 327 00:14:34,583 --> 00:14:37,875 Well, do you think you'd be good at being shunned by your entire community? 328 00:14:37,958 --> 00:14:39,208 That's what's gonna happen 329 00:14:39,291 --> 00:14:42,166 if you don't masturbate to completion on that stage tomorrow. [groans] 330 00:14:42,250 --> 00:14:46,375 What your father means to say is we just want what's best for you. 331 00:14:46,458 --> 00:14:49,875 No, what I mean to say is how the fuck did this happen? 332 00:14:49,958 --> 00:14:52,250 Connie, do you think this is maybe our fault? 333 00:14:52,333 --> 00:14:55,333 -I mean, is it possible we were too horny? -[groans] 334 00:14:55,416 --> 00:14:58,000 Or not horny enough? No, no, no, too horny. 335 00:14:58,083 --> 00:15:00,083 -Yeah, too horny. -Definitely too horny. 336 00:15:00,166 --> 00:15:02,291 Guys, it's not like I'd be the first creature 337 00:15:02,375 --> 00:15:03,833 to switch to another line of work. 338 00:15:03,916 --> 00:15:07,166 Montel, baby, if you're scared about jacking off in front of people-- 339 00:15:07,250 --> 00:15:08,791 It's not that. 340 00:15:08,875 --> 00:15:13,791 This is about me pursuing my destiny, and my destiny is in shame. 341 00:15:13,875 --> 00:15:15,875 But you're gonna make it so hard for yourself. 342 00:15:15,958 --> 00:15:17,958 You'll face prejudice, Montel. 343 00:15:18,041 --> 00:15:20,791 I am so cruel to people that are different than me. 344 00:15:20,875 --> 00:15:22,500 Uh, Maury, walk it back. 345 00:15:22,583 --> 00:15:26,291 What I'm trying to say is everyone will hate you, my sweet baby, 346 00:15:26,375 --> 00:15:27,708 just like they hate Lionel. 347 00:15:27,791 --> 00:15:29,958 Well, I don't hate Lionel. I find him inspiring. 348 00:15:30,041 --> 00:15:31,666 [vomits] 349 00:15:31,750 --> 00:15:33,833 Now you're just trying to hurt Daddy. 350 00:15:33,916 --> 00:15:38,083 Sweetie, you gotta realize, this is very important to your father. 351 00:15:38,166 --> 00:15:42,375 Oh, come on, Connie. Not you too. You're supposed to be the better one. 352 00:15:42,458 --> 00:15:43,583 I am the better one. 353 00:15:43,666 --> 00:15:47,291 Montel, you are getting Jizz Mitzvah'ed whether you like it or not. 354 00:15:47,375 --> 00:15:50,125 The heck I am. 355 00:15:50,708 --> 00:15:54,708 Looks like we're gonna have to sedate them and Weekend at Bernie's this Jizz Mitzvah. 356 00:15:54,791 --> 00:15:55,833 Way ahead of you. 357 00:15:55,916 --> 00:15:56,791 -[hiss] -Ow! 358 00:15:56,875 --> 00:15:59,458 -Aw, shit, I darted you. -Oh, I love you. 359 00:16:01,666 --> 00:16:02,875 [phone vibrates] 360 00:16:02,958 --> 00:16:04,583 What? What's happening? 361 00:16:04,666 --> 00:16:07,333 Why the hell did you set an alarm for 1:00 a.m.? 362 00:16:07,416 --> 00:16:08,416 Ohh, oh. 363 00:16:08,500 --> 00:16:11,875 It's my one-night-stand insurance policy. I never spend the night. 364 00:16:11,958 --> 00:16:13,875 Well then how are we gonna parlay this meet-cute 365 00:16:13,958 --> 00:16:15,250 into a full-blown relationship? 366 00:16:15,333 --> 00:16:19,958 Honey, we're not here for a relationship. We're here for fun. Then we skedaddle. 367 00:16:20,041 --> 00:16:22,666 -AKA the smash and dash. -The nail and bail. 368 00:16:22,750 --> 00:16:24,166 [both] The fuck and duck. 369 00:16:24,250 --> 00:16:26,458 But hold on, I-I'm all for fun, 370 00:16:26,541 --> 00:16:30,625 but wouldn't it also be fun to, like, sleep over, 371 00:16:30,708 --> 00:16:34,750 have breakfast together, spend the whole day doing sex and TV? 372 00:16:34,833 --> 00:16:38,708 [sighs] I mean, I kind of wouldn't mind spending the day with this guy. 373 00:16:38,791 --> 00:16:40,750 -And then what? Start dating? -Yes. 374 00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:42,375 -Become exclusive? -Of course. 375 00:16:42,458 --> 00:16:43,833 -Move in? -That sounds good. 376 00:16:43,916 --> 00:16:46,541 Break up? Be miserable? Cry on the subway? 377 00:16:46,625 --> 00:16:47,708 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 378 00:16:47,791 --> 00:16:50,958 Van, don't you think you're being a little pessimistic? 379 00:16:51,041 --> 00:16:54,916 Uh, no. We had fun. It was great. Now let's just take the win. 380 00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:58,666 Huh. I'm not sure I've ever taken the win. 381 00:16:58,750 --> 00:17:00,083 Em, listen. 382 00:17:00,166 --> 00:17:03,833 I've crunched the numbers on love, and the stats are pure ass. 383 00:17:03,916 --> 00:17:07,208 These relationship things, they almost always end in heartbreak. 384 00:17:07,291 --> 00:17:09,041 -Or death. -Exactly. 385 00:17:09,125 --> 00:17:13,083 So let's just remember this beautiful experience and move forward. 386 00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:15,916 And it was a beautiful experience, right? 387 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:17,875 So beautiful. 388 00:17:17,958 --> 00:17:19,458 -Great. Can we bounce? -Wait. 389 00:17:19,541 --> 00:17:22,458 Uh, can we just steal something to remember him by? 390 00:17:22,541 --> 00:17:24,250 Yes. Love it. How about some cash? 391 00:17:24,333 --> 00:17:27,041 Mmm, I was thinking something more intimate. 392 00:17:27,125 --> 00:17:27,958 [groans] 393 00:17:28,041 --> 00:17:29,833 -[gasps] Okay. -Deodorant? 394 00:17:29,916 --> 00:17:31,791 -I panicked. -[sniffs] 395 00:17:31,875 --> 00:17:34,250 Oh, yeah. We can work with this. 396 00:17:34,333 --> 00:17:35,916 [playful music playing] 397 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:37,708 Good morning. Hi. 398 00:17:37,791 --> 00:17:41,166 Hi, nice to see you. Oh, your breasts look lovely today. 399 00:17:41,250 --> 00:17:43,041 I told you Montel wasn't gonna show up. 400 00:17:43,125 --> 00:17:46,208 And now the ice sculpture is melting, the dick daisies are wilting, 401 00:17:46,291 --> 00:17:48,250 and nothing is going according to plan. 402 00:17:48,333 --> 00:17:51,500 Hi, lovely to see you. Your ass is exquisite. 403 00:17:51,583 --> 00:17:53,333 Oh, is that an iTunes gift card? 404 00:17:53,416 --> 00:17:55,125 [chuckles] Thanks for coming. 405 00:17:55,208 --> 00:17:57,875 Oh, there's Pete and Mona. Let's go say hi. 406 00:17:57,958 --> 00:18:00,166 -[scoffs] I bet he'd love that. -Excuse me? 407 00:18:00,250 --> 00:18:02,833 Listen, babe, I didn't wanna have to do this, 408 00:18:02,916 --> 00:18:05,166 but, like, you can't talk to Pete anymore, okay? 409 00:18:05,250 --> 00:18:06,250 What? Why not? 410 00:18:06,333 --> 00:18:08,666 -He's fuckin' in love with you. -No, he isn't. 411 00:18:08,750 --> 00:18:13,041 Yeah, he is. He's dying for you to give him a Melbourne handshake. 412 00:18:13,125 --> 00:18:14,708 He practically admitted it to me 413 00:18:14,791 --> 00:18:17,541 right after he separated me from my favorite fucking donger. 414 00:18:17,625 --> 00:18:21,000 -He said that? -Look, it's gonna be him or me, all right? 415 00:18:21,083 --> 00:18:24,000 You're being insane. I'm not gonna stop talking to my friend. 416 00:18:24,083 --> 00:18:26,125 So, what? You're-- You're picking him over me? 417 00:18:26,208 --> 00:18:29,041 -That's not what I said. -Good. You'll never talk to him again. 418 00:18:29,125 --> 00:18:30,208 -It's agreed. -No, it's not! 419 00:18:30,291 --> 00:18:33,916 You're seriously gaslighting me right now, and I need a drink. 420 00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:36,208 -[gulps, sighs] -Van is such a fucking blast. 421 00:18:36,291 --> 00:18:40,791 She uses logic as an argument to, like, party and have casual sex. 422 00:18:40,875 --> 00:18:42,250 -She's awesome. -Ooh! 423 00:18:42,333 --> 00:18:45,958 Sounds like you wanna go spelunking in her Van cave. 424 00:18:46,041 --> 00:18:48,000 No, I don't. 425 00:18:48,083 --> 00:18:50,666 Well, unless that means having sex with Van, 426 00:18:50,750 --> 00:18:53,833 in which case, yes, I do. 427 00:18:53,916 --> 00:18:56,666 What's going on? Where's the pervert of honor? 428 00:18:56,750 --> 00:18:58,416 Oh, they'll be here any minute. 429 00:18:58,500 --> 00:19:01,708 They're just in the back chubbing up, getting ready for the big event. 430 00:19:01,791 --> 00:19:05,833 Maury, we both know where Montel is. You gotta go make this right. 431 00:19:05,916 --> 00:19:08,958 Oh, I know. And I'm gonna miss the passed apps. 432 00:19:09,041 --> 00:19:12,416 Save me some jalapeñis poppers and some dicks in a blanket 433 00:19:12,500 --> 00:19:13,875 and also some egg rolls. 434 00:19:13,958 --> 00:19:17,791 And when we skedaddled I convinced Sarah to steal his deodorant. 435 00:19:17,875 --> 00:19:22,000 So, yeah, I'm killing it both personally and professionally. 436 00:19:22,083 --> 00:19:25,041 Hold up. You guys did a post-meet-cute skedaddle? 437 00:19:25,125 --> 00:19:29,458 A skedaddle is the enemy of love. It undercuts the meet-cute. 438 00:19:29,541 --> 00:19:34,750 No way. Van says it just leaves you open for more meet-cutes. 439 00:19:34,833 --> 00:19:40,333 Emmy, if you want love to blossom with this guy, you can't be skedaddling. 440 00:19:40,416 --> 00:19:43,875 Well, maybe we don't want love. I mean, then what? 441 00:19:43,958 --> 00:19:46,791 They move in together and inevitably break up? 442 00:19:46,875 --> 00:19:48,916 Listen to you! Ugh! 443 00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:51,541 This rock brainwashed you into being a Lovebug 444 00:19:51,625 --> 00:19:53,583 who doesn't believe in love anymore. 445 00:19:53,666 --> 00:19:55,166 -Yeah, I'm with Walter. -God! 446 00:19:55,250 --> 00:19:58,083 Do you always have to show up right when I'm about to win an argument? 447 00:19:58,166 --> 00:20:00,000 [laughs] You were not gonna win. 448 00:20:00,083 --> 00:20:02,416 Van played you. She's a Logic Rock. 449 00:20:02,500 --> 00:20:05,583 We are, as a species, much smarter than Lovebugs. 450 00:20:05,666 --> 00:20:09,666 -Well, Petes, as a species, smell like-- -Feces? 451 00:20:09,750 --> 00:20:11,250 Uh, no. 452 00:20:11,333 --> 00:20:13,833 -Shit. [chuckles] Bitch. -[glass shatters] 453 00:20:13,916 --> 00:20:15,458 -[thunderclap] -[sinister music playing] 454 00:20:15,541 --> 00:20:19,333 Ugh, of course that shame-soaked weirdo lives in an abandoned church. 455 00:20:20,125 --> 00:20:21,125 Montel? 456 00:20:21,208 --> 00:20:22,666 Montel! 457 00:20:22,750 --> 00:20:25,416 [Lionel] Welcome to my humble home, Maurice. 458 00:20:25,500 --> 00:20:28,208 Can I offer you some tabernacle wine? 459 00:20:28,291 --> 00:20:30,625 Or perhaps a disgusting cracker? 460 00:20:30,708 --> 00:20:32,916 Where is my child, you floating freak? 461 00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:34,291 Hello, Mama Maury. 462 00:20:34,375 --> 00:20:37,375 [sinister music continues] 463 00:20:38,375 --> 00:20:40,791 -Wow, great entrance. -Thank you. 464 00:20:40,875 --> 00:20:43,041 Montel, I am done with your little games. 465 00:20:43,125 --> 00:20:45,958 There is an entire ballroom of my friends and colleagues 466 00:20:46,041 --> 00:20:48,000 waiting for you to publicly masturbate. 467 00:20:48,083 --> 00:20:49,375 You are coming with me now. 468 00:20:49,458 --> 00:20:51,041 Oh, no, I shan't. 469 00:20:51,125 --> 00:20:52,833 -Oh, yes, you shan. -Shan't! 470 00:20:52,916 --> 00:20:54,375 Wha-- Why are you doing this to me? 471 00:20:54,458 --> 00:20:59,000 I'm not doing it to you. Don't you get it? It's not about you. 472 00:20:59,083 --> 00:21:00,791 -Work, bitch. -You shut it. 473 00:21:00,875 --> 00:21:05,833 Montel, how could it not be about me? You're rejecting everything I stand for. 474 00:21:05,916 --> 00:21:08,416 But what about what I stand for? 475 00:21:08,500 --> 00:21:11,583 Honey, I support anything you want to do, 476 00:21:11,666 --> 00:21:13,916 but, yuck, a Shame Wizard? 477 00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:19,208 Oh, listen to you. You're so prejudiced. You sound like a miserable old bigot. 478 00:21:19,291 --> 00:21:23,375 Hey! I am not old. I am young and cool and everyone knows that. 479 00:21:23,458 --> 00:21:25,916 Right, because all the young, cool monsters 480 00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:29,083 make their children feel like a disappointment for being different. 481 00:21:29,166 --> 00:21:31,958 Well, that's not what I'm doing… is it? 482 00:21:32,041 --> 00:21:37,875 Well, yeah. You made me feel like you don't love me for who I am. 483 00:21:37,958 --> 00:21:41,125 Oh my God. I've been a bad Mama Maury. 484 00:21:41,208 --> 00:21:45,375 And how does that make you feel, Mr. Young Cool Monster? 485 00:21:45,458 --> 00:21:48,166 I'm… [sniffles] I'm so ashamed of myself. 486 00:21:48,250 --> 00:21:50,500 And that's a Yahtzee. 487 00:21:50,583 --> 00:21:53,208 You see, Maurice? Your child's a savant. 488 00:21:53,291 --> 00:21:56,625 -Wow, you really do have a gift, Montel. -Thank you. 489 00:21:56,708 --> 00:21:59,083 And I gotta tell ya, I did not plan to back down. 490 00:21:59,166 --> 00:22:02,791 In fact, I was fully prepared to ruin our relationship, 491 00:22:02,875 --> 00:22:04,375 and then murder Lionel. 492 00:22:04,458 --> 00:22:05,583 Eh…What's that now? 493 00:22:06,416 --> 00:22:10,458 All right, now that I've sung Sondheim's entire body of work, 494 00:22:10,541 --> 00:22:14,000 I will list my sexual partners from the 1990s, 495 00:22:14,083 --> 00:22:16,416 starting with Mr. Paul Reiser. 496 00:22:16,500 --> 00:22:17,750 [cheering] 497 00:22:17,833 --> 00:22:19,708 Hurry up, Maurice. 498 00:22:19,791 --> 00:22:22,375 Hey, Van, uh, just so you know. 499 00:22:22,458 --> 00:22:25,083 -I, like, believe in love, okay? -Okay. 500 00:22:25,166 --> 00:22:28,416 And I know you're all cool and fun and good at your job, 501 00:22:28,500 --> 00:22:31,291 but I'm getting actually good at my job too. 502 00:22:31,375 --> 00:22:34,500 And love, it's important. I believe in it, and I-- 503 00:22:34,583 --> 00:22:37,208 [kissing, moaning] 504 00:22:37,291 --> 00:22:38,875 What the fuck? 505 00:22:38,958 --> 00:22:42,916 Eh, it's just the way you were talking, all passionately. 506 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:45,750 -I just felt like I had to kiss you. -Oh, my God. 507 00:22:45,833 --> 00:22:48,708 You're so random. Stop! [chuckles] 508 00:22:48,791 --> 00:22:50,791 So, uh, what were you saying before? 509 00:22:50,875 --> 00:22:53,375 I, um… I have no idea. 510 00:22:53,458 --> 00:22:55,791 I guess it wasn't that important then, right, Em? 511 00:22:55,875 --> 00:22:59,291 Yeah, you're probably hot. I mean, you're probably right. [chuckles] 512 00:22:59,375 --> 00:23:03,333 Bye, Daddy. I mean Mommy. Uh, I mean, officer? 513 00:23:03,416 --> 00:23:05,333 Fuck! Get outta here, Emmy. 514 00:23:05,416 --> 00:23:08,166 [slurps] Ooh, you're my favorite server, you know that? 515 00:23:08,250 --> 00:23:09,791 -It's because of your tits. -[giggles] 516 00:23:09,875 --> 00:23:11,041 Hey, Rochelle. 517 00:23:11,125 --> 00:23:15,375 I'm sorry if me wearing the jacket made Dante upset or drunk or something. 518 00:23:15,458 --> 00:23:17,333 Pete, stop. It's not your fault. 519 00:23:17,416 --> 00:23:20,916 -Hey! Get away from her, rock. -Dante, what the fuck? 520 00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:22,875 -Oh, shit. -Fuckin' knew this was comin'. 521 00:23:22,958 --> 00:23:25,500 -First you cut my favorite dick off. -You were gonna die. 522 00:23:25,583 --> 00:23:28,083 And then you accept presents from my girlfriend? 523 00:23:28,166 --> 00:23:30,958 Okay, well, the present was technically before the dick-cutting-- 524 00:23:31,041 --> 00:23:31,916 Oh, Pete, Pete, Pete. 525 00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:34,583 So what's next? You-- You gonna go down on her in front of me, mate? 526 00:23:34,666 --> 00:23:35,541 -Huh? -What the fuck? 527 00:23:35,625 --> 00:23:38,916 Throw her on that table? Theragun her doorbell until her head falls off? 528 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:39,833 God! 529 00:23:39,916 --> 00:23:41,375 -[Pete] No! -"Theragun her doorbell"? 530 00:23:41,458 --> 00:23:42,666 Should I get a Theragun? 531 00:23:42,750 --> 00:23:46,166 You think I'm not a man anymore 'cause I only have two dicks, huh? 532 00:23:46,250 --> 00:23:47,833 Dante, chill the fuck out. 533 00:23:47,916 --> 00:23:49,791 Stay out of this. You've done enough. 534 00:23:49,875 --> 00:23:50,875 Hey! 535 00:23:50,958 --> 00:23:52,166 [grunts] 536 00:23:52,250 --> 00:23:53,583 -Oh, my God! -[man] Holy shit! 537 00:23:54,166 --> 00:23:57,500 Holy shit! Do I wanna fuck Pete? 538 00:23:57,583 --> 00:23:58,791 Get in line. 539 00:23:58,875 --> 00:24:02,458 Look, uh, Dante, I am so sorry to have to do that. 540 00:24:02,541 --> 00:24:04,666 -It's just that, uh-- -You're dead, Pete. 541 00:24:04,750 --> 00:24:06,333 Excuse me? 542 00:24:06,416 --> 00:24:10,666 I'm gonna find a way to get you and ruin your goddamn life. 543 00:24:10,750 --> 00:24:13,000 That is, like, a very direct threat. 544 00:24:13,083 --> 00:24:16,208 Dante, you're being an asshole. Leave him alone. 545 00:24:16,291 --> 00:24:19,625 -How about I leave you alone, forever? -What? 546 00:24:19,708 --> 00:24:22,583 And just so you know, I never loved you. 547 00:24:22,666 --> 00:24:25,875 -I was only addicted to you. -Dante? 548 00:24:25,958 --> 00:24:30,666 Every fucking moment I spent with you was a complete waste of time. 549 00:24:30,750 --> 00:24:32,125 -[sighs] -My God. 550 00:24:32,208 --> 00:24:34,958 You can all rot in hell. 551 00:24:35,041 --> 00:24:36,375 Dante out! Ha! 552 00:24:39,083 --> 00:24:40,500 [crowd gasping] 553 00:24:40,583 --> 00:24:42,041 I, um… 554 00:24:42,583 --> 00:24:43,958 [sobbing] 555 00:24:44,041 --> 00:24:46,458 All right. You can all stop being bored now. 556 00:24:46,541 --> 00:24:51,250 -We have finally arrived. -And yes, my belt buckle is a seatbelt. 557 00:24:51,333 --> 00:24:53,125 Everyone, everyone, quiet down. 558 00:24:53,208 --> 00:24:56,000 My beautiful child has an announcement to make. 559 00:24:56,083 --> 00:24:58,000 And they have my full support. 560 00:24:58,875 --> 00:25:01,000 Hormone Monsters, Monstresses, 561 00:25:01,083 --> 00:25:05,333 and other creatures from my parents' work who I neither know nor care about, 562 00:25:05,416 --> 00:25:07,125 while I'll always be horny… 563 00:25:07,208 --> 00:25:08,041 -Whoo! -Oh, yeah! 564 00:25:08,125 --> 00:25:11,625 …my true passion is making humans feel like shit. 565 00:25:11,708 --> 00:25:13,000 [laughing] Yes, there it is. 566 00:25:13,083 --> 00:25:15,833 -So I will not be Jizz Mitzvah'ed today. -[crowd gasping] 567 00:25:15,916 --> 00:25:19,458 -What? -Because I am becoming a Shame Wizard. 568 00:25:19,541 --> 00:25:20,875 [crowd booing] 569 00:25:20,958 --> 00:25:24,250 No, not "boo." Not "boo." Opposite of "boo." "Yay!" 570 00:25:24,333 --> 00:25:27,708 Hey, hey, as much as it pains me to say it, I… 571 00:25:27,791 --> 00:25:29,166 [inhales] Ugh. 572 00:25:29,250 --> 00:25:30,666 …agree with Lionel. 573 00:25:30,750 --> 00:25:34,750 Not "boo," "yay" to my child for being their true self. 574 00:25:34,833 --> 00:25:37,166 But who's gonna cum behind the curtain? 575 00:25:37,250 --> 00:25:39,083 Yeah, it's a million years bad luck 576 00:25:39,166 --> 00:25:41,916 to have a Jizz Mitzvah without a curtain squirtin'. 577 00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:44,833 -We demand an ejaculation! -Let's get juicy, baby. 578 00:25:44,916 --> 00:25:47,333 Then we'll do it. Maurice? 579 00:25:47,416 --> 00:25:48,750 After you, Constance. 580 00:25:49,333 --> 00:25:50,166 [drumroll] 581 00:25:50,250 --> 00:25:52,458 [Connie moans] 582 00:25:52,541 --> 00:25:54,708 -[Connie] And done. -Oh my God, already? 583 00:25:54,791 --> 00:25:56,166 Shit. Now it's getting soft. 584 00:25:56,250 --> 00:25:58,083 [chanting] Connie! Connie! 585 00:25:58,166 --> 00:26:02,166 Oh, no. It's my Jizz Mitzvah all over again. 586 00:26:02,250 --> 00:26:04,750 -Connie! Connie! -Oh, Connie, they really do like you more. 587 00:26:04,833 --> 00:26:06,708 Aw, Maury. 588 00:26:06,791 --> 00:26:09,000 They really do. 589 00:26:09,083 --> 00:26:12,125 ♪ Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme ♪ 590 00:26:12,208 --> 00:26:13,458 ♪ What I want, yeah ♪ 591 00:26:14,250 --> 00:26:16,083 ♪ What I want, yeah ♪ 592 00:26:16,166 --> 00:26:20,166 ♪ Why don't you tell me, tell me Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me ♪ 593 00:26:20,250 --> 00:26:22,125 ♪ It's freaky ♪ 594 00:26:22,208 --> 00:26:23,708 ♪ Wanna please me ♪ 595 00:26:24,750 --> 00:26:26,916 ♪ From side to side, New York, bye-bye ♪ 596 00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:28,666 ♪ To Tokyo, konnichi wa ♪ 597 00:26:28,750 --> 00:26:31,666 ♪ From East LA Let me hear you say ♪ 598 00:26:31,750 --> 00:26:32,916 ♪ Konnichi wa ♪ 599 00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:37,500 ♪ Good, good I ain't afraid to stay ♪ 600 00:26:38,708 --> 00:26:39,708 ♪ Yeah ♪ 601 00:26:40,750 --> 00:26:46,125 ♪ I can't hit all 'Cause, baby, I'm a king ♪ 602 00:26:46,208 --> 00:26:47,666 ♪ See my crown ♪ 603 00:26:47,750 --> 00:26:49,000 ♪ Good! ♪