Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull
Well, well. What do we got here?
You, uh, runnin' late for the boneyard, mister?
Yeah, well,
I can see you're a little...
a little filled up here right now.
I don't think you'd mind me taking a peek
at the dearly departed, now, would you?
You see, it could be some family treasures in there
I'll be interested in.
Now, you just be still, you goofy old son of a bitch.
Fitch.
You think you can waltz on in here,
kill all my men? Shut up!
Take my whore?
Chickenshit.
What you gonna do, No Name?
Yeah. A chickenshit, Deuce. That's what you are.
Let the female go.
Oh, like hell I will.
Like hell I will, motherfucker.
Oh! Fuckin' shot me in my toe! Fuckin'...
Hmm.
Hi.
I'm gonna get you untied.
I'm gonna untie you.
Calm down.
I'm gonna untie you.
Okay? Just let me untie you.
Put you on a horse.
Aw.
That's for leaving me with the hotel bill in Denver.
That hurt.
But thanks for the help with that pervert.
I'll be seeing you, No Name. Come on!
What did they used to call you down in Mexico?
Slimy.
Slimy. Goddamn.
Slimy Murdock, they called me.
Can you go back into Mexico?
They won't let me back there, but I've snuck in a time or two.
Yeah, you better watch out. They'll hang you.
Whatever happened to that old gal you dated?
That Dirty Lou you called her.
- Dirty Lou? - Yeah.
Well, she was a little dirty,
but she wasn't like that fish lady thing you had.
Yeah, but she was sweet. I loved her.
Oh, yeah. Looked like a frog going across a tree.
I wanna know what was the name of that damn...
- The Union of... - The Arab Masa.
The Union Trust Bank.
- Well, Angus... - Yeah.
...what do you think we got out of this deal?
Well, I know we got 12,000-some odd dollars apiece.
- Now, we, uh... - Holy shit.
You greasy bastard, you can't even count.
Uh, bullshit.
Let's play the cards, for Christ's sake.
Deal those cards, will ya? Here.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Do you have any water?
Hold it right there, partner.
No need for violence.
I dare say I'm unarmed.
I sell candles.
And all I want is a drink of water.
You see, I've been traveling all about selling my wares,
and I'm completely parched.
I would go as far as to say
I will give each of you a free candle
for a drink of water.
Go get him some water, Mack.
Thank you.
Now, pick up your shit and get back to the railroad, boy.
Sure.
No problem.
And thanks again.
Hey, China boy.
Leave the candles with us.
Leave all my candles?
You heard him. Leave the candles.
Now, why would I do that?
Why?
'Cause if you don't,
I'ma blow a second hole right in your ass.
- Yeah. - Second hole.
I see.
You made your point quite clear, I might add.
Well, it's been nice making your acquaintance.
Where are they?
They're worth more alive.
True.
Well, when they're alive,
for some reason,
they want revenge.
It's easier to get rid of 'em.
I love peanuts.
Hey, barkeep, do you have those, uh...
You know, the ones that are cooked?
- Qué? - The peanuts.
The new ones. The cooked peanuts.
They're called roasted peanuts.
Oh, no, Señor Dynamite.
I don't have any of those.
Actually, I've never heard of those roasted peanuts.
What are those?
- The cooked ones. - They're roasted peanuts.
- Cooked. - They're roasted peanuts.
Compadre.
You seen him?
- This guy. - No. Never in my life.
Listen, mister.
You looking for trouble? You just found it.
Okay. Tell me right now. Where is he?
In the church. It's around the corner. You can't miss it.
- How many? - Four or five.
Maybe. I think.
Do you think four? Do you think five?
Five or four. Cuatro, cinco.
You're not as stupid as you look.
Let's go.
I want you to get me another bottle of whiskey now.
I don't want you to bring me that piss
that you serve to the Mexicans.
You understanding me?
Now, if you do,
what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna skin you alive.
Now, get out there and get me whiskey.
Top-shelf whiskey.
Get!
One game. Just one game.
Will it kill you to let me win one game?
This is a private party.
Like I said before...
this here is a private party.
Are those roasted peanuts?
May I have one?
They are roasted peanuts.
Holy shit.
A little something.
What the...
You done ruined my peanuts.
Mm-mmm.
Nothing short of a miracle.
Now...
try one.
Now, those are some good roasted peanuts.
Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm.
- Mm-hmm. - Mmm.
You know, may I have some whiskey?
These, uh...
These peanuts build up a paste in your mouth.
Ah.
Now, that's some good shit right there.
Good shit.
Say, uh, what are you playing over there?
Solitaire.
I heard about that.
But, uh, never had the chance to play it.
- You any good at it? - Sí, bueno. He...
No. Nothing.
Ooh, ooh. Too much tequila. I gotta go pee-pee.
Seems like quite a difficult game.
How does one play?
Carefully.
Hmm.
Peanuts are fine.
Let's cut to the chase, shall we?
Why are two gentlemen like you
in my establishment?
Well, I couldn't agree more.
Looking for this guy.
I ain't never seen him.
Help me out!
- Four. That was four. - That was five.
- That was four. - That was five.
That... One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four, and five.
Son of a bitch. God...
Five.
- That was six. - That was five.
Six.
Goddamn it. That was five.
One, two, three, four, five.
Shh.
Now, that was six.
That was good.
That was really good.
Now, go get him.
All right.
All right, let's go, Mexican.
Huh? Gracias.
The horses are back there, sir.
All right, Lieutenant. What you got?
There's a cabin about a half mile up that trail.
Sir, I suggest we reconnoiter the position.
Very well. Carry on.
We'll send someone down to the cabin,
and then we'll set up.
That sounds good and all,
but if'n he ain't here, we should just quit.
I'm tired of chasing this son of a bitch.
We're all tired, Lieutenant.
- Private. - Yes, sir.
Get your ass on up to that farmhouse.
Billy Goat Gang.
It said "alive."
I know. I know. Like I said before...
they like revenge.
I did them a favor, them old dirty bastards.
We are not getting paid on this job.
Oh, stop your hollerin' already.
Don't get all mad and your unmentionables up in a wad.
I'll straighten it out.
Yeah, well, you'd better see to it.
And since we're gonna be near a mercantile,
we're gonna have to pick up some supplies.
The horses are gonna need to be shod.
By the way, what are unmentionables?
Don't forget to pick up some dynamite...
for Dynamite.
Yeah.
So, those old boys fell for your candlestick trick, hmm?
Yep.
They were a little drunk and feeble, so that helped.
You know, I don't think they could see all that well either.
Hmm. Yeah.
They don't listen either.
So the church.
How many sticks did you use?
Ah, fuck.
You gotta be kidding me.
23 sticks in all.
Ah, you wasteful shitbird.
I know.
You know, you could've done twice as much damage
with half as many.
Probably. But you know I like to do my job
as thorough as possible.
Ay.
Ah.
Don't mind if I do.
Whew! Oh, my God. Oh, my Lord. They're chasing me.
They wanna kill me. Help me, please.
- Who's chasing you? - Them.
Yes. Them. But who the hell's them?
Where are you going?
Stop your stammerin' around, mister.
What's your name?
Help, please.
Name!
I don't know! I don't want them to find me.
My name's John.
John.
Wait.
Are you with them?
Are you vigilantes? Hired men?
- No. - No.
Oh! Good. Thank you.
Well, you could help me possibly.
They're coming for me. A lot of them.
Oh.
I don't see anyone at the present moment.
Nobody?
Mister, I suggest you tell us what's going on.
Please! They wanna take my life!
I haven't done anything.
I beg you. I beg you for mercy. Please.
Mercy?
- I don't know. - I don't like this guy.
Quit your whining.
You can hurt me, but you will not take my life.
Oh, shut up!
Or we will kill you.
Not one word unless spoken to. You understand?
Oh, Jesus.
I'm terribly thirsty. You have anything to drink?
Thank you.
Oh, thank you.
Oh!
Ah, fine. I'll tell you. I'll tell you.
Naa!
- Didn't I tell him? - You told him.
- I told him, right? - You told him.
- You heard me. - I heard you.
He heard me. How many times do I gotta tell you?
Not to speak unless spoken to.
The bullshit act stops here, John.
Until spoken to.
Very well.
I was acting in a play.
I'm an actor, you see.
And a damn good one, I might add.
Some say maybe the best in the world, I tell you.
In my last performance,
I went to procure payment for my services,
where I was pounced upon by the stagehands
and believe I suffered a broken leg
due to this misfortune.
The producers thought I was someone else.
A charlatan of some sort.
Now, if you fine gentlemen could help me back to my hotel
in secrecy and protect me,
I would pay you handsomely for your services.
I have $12,000 waiting in a safe deposit box
at the Grove Hotel.
Hey, No Name. Get your ass over here.
Captain, sir, the cabin seems to be unoccupied at this time.
I bet that slick bastard's long gone.
Let's get the hell out of here.
John Wilkes Booth.
This is Captain Forbes, United States Army.
You got five minutes.
Five minutes, Mr. Booth, on my command.
- You seeing this? - Yeah.
These men will burn that structure down
and the ground around you.
Give me a quarter stick of dynamite.
All right. Now, listen up.
You're gonna take asshole on a horse
and get him ready to go out the back.
I'm gonna lay down a field of fire here on the front.
Hell of a plan.
Let's go before they know what hit 'em.
Come on, asshole.
Remember, $12,000 if you keep me safe.
Fire!
Forward, boys! Let's double quick!
Yes, sir!
That son of a bitch, he got away,
and he had the help of two more men!
They skedaddled, Captain!
Son of a bitch.
Damn good beans.
Do you know...
in ancient Egypt...
they would burn the dead with beans
to ensure their return to the afterlife?
The beanfield was a place where the souls of the dead
would await their reincarnation.
True story.
Is that why you like beans?
So, the two men that saved you,
who are they?
I'm not quite sure.
They did not... They did not come for me.
They came for Mr. Black Jack.
There's my love. What have you been...
Sergio.
Hilda, not now. No. Go. Not now.
Hilda, run! Get out of here!
Please.
Señor.
Please.
Hilda?
Chair.
Señor Brown.
Señor, please.
No!
Okay. Don't hurt her. I'll tell you anything.
What they look like?
One gringo. One chino.
You are coming with me.
No. No!
No!
No, mi amore!
No, no!
No!
Okay, now, where are they?
That smells.
What the hell is this?
Oh!
Um, let me think here. Um...
These guys are them guys.
Sorry, mister.
No can do.
We need an identifiable corpse for all rewards.
Identifiable.
This looks pretty goddamn identifiable to me.
The proof is in the bag, you old geezer.
I'm sorry, sonny, but I have rules to abide by,
and no body means no reward.
No reward?
I told you, mister,
the identifiable parts is right here.
These guys are them guys!
You get outta here right now, yellow boy...
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Take it easy, old bastard.
...before I fill your ass full of lead.
I'm finding the door. I'm walking.
- Get out! - I'm walking.
Go on. Get out.
You goofy round-eye, old wrinkled bastard.
Get out now!
You mother...
You get the reward?
No payout.
No. No payout.
And for that shitbird, Black Jack?
Nothing.
Not even a dime for that turd
or the remnants of the Billy Goat Gang.
Barkeep, I need a drink. I need it bad.
Can you act?
No.
Do you know what acting is?
I've been to a play once.
Mister, you're okay?
No, I am not okay. I'm in dire need for an actor
to play the lead in my play tonight.
Hey, mister.
You need an actor?
Yes. But it can't be you.
You're too... You're, uh, too...
You're, um... I'm sorry. You're not the right type.
Hello.
I'm not an actor, but I know one.
Hey, John.
Good afternoon.
This man here is looking for an actor.
I'm not an actor.
What do you mean you're not an actor?
You're one of the best damn actors there is.
You even said so yourself.
He also did this play called "The American Assassin."
"An American Assassin"?
You can act.
You have saved me, my good man,
and I need you to act in my play tonight.
Here's the script.
We must get you to the theater immediately.
I can't believe this is happening!
Barkeep, a bottle on me for those two.
And I would love you to be my guests tonight.
Two reserved seats on the house.
You.
- Thank you, mister. - You're gonna be great.
And good luck tonight!
What do you expect from me?
You look perfect for this part.
I would like bottle and some glasses.
Four glasses.
Anything for you, Taviano.
You gonna do a show for us tonight?
No. No show. I'm just passing through.
No show tonight.
Okay.
Excuse me. Are you an actor?
No. I'm magician.
Magician?
Hear that, No Name? He's a magician.
I got an idea.
Mr. Magician.
Can you make this peanut disappear?
Goddamn! You see that, No Name?
He made the peanut disappear.
It was in his left hand, moved it around,
and then he went back to his left hand,
and it came out his mouth.
Okay, ladies, let's go.
Come see our show! One night only!
Get 'em going.
Two bits. Come on in. Two bits.
Come on in for a good time.
Special on Tarheels.
Yeah!
Come on in, boys, and get your vodka!
Thank you.
I would like to present to you tonight
a tale of treachery and deceit.
Of course we have to add a splash of levity
along the way as well.
I now ask you to sit back
and enjoy "A Light Through the Darkness."
Whoo!
Think I'm gonna go get us some whiskey.
See if they have those peanuts. Them roasted ones.
Hey, keep it down over there. Show some respect.
Shut up.
Whoo!
I told you time and again, Emma Sue,
I wouldn't waste my time on such rubbish as Charles.
Oh!
That's what you get for lying, you heated Jezebel!
Oh!
Oh, the whore!
How could my most cherished friend hurt me so?
I should've known this would happen.
Even when we were children, she was the jealous type.
I can't help that such a dashing young man is in love with me.
Oh, no!
You wicked double-minded wench.
You're nothing but a low-life...
Oh! Oh!
Get her! Get her!
- Get her! - Get her. That's it.
There you go.
Now what are you gonna do?
Who is it?
It is I, my love.
Please don't keep a fella waiting,
for I've long to see you, my sweet.
Is everything okay, dearest?
Think, Emma Sue. Think.
Come in.
Emma Sue!
You are most irresistible, darling.
I cannot tell you how long I've waited for you.
Mwah.
Charles, my love, I want this. I need this.
But can I spare your patience
to play along with me in a game of intimacy?
What? What, my sweet?
No need to tarry. I've got what you need.
Oh!
Now, put this on,
and I'll take you outside for the ride of your life, darling.
Then tally-ho, shall we?
This is so entertaining, dearest.
What in tarnation was that?
Oh. What, darling? I didn't hear anything.
That.
Don't tell me you didn't hear that.
What the hell is that? Who is it?
Oh.
Darling, I can explain.
I can explain it to you outside with a breath of fresh air.
Come on.
Oh!
Mirabel?
What the devil is going on here?
I think I should take my leave.
Oh, Charles, my love.
I don't know how she could've gotten here.
I haven't the slightest idea why.
Why did you try and kill me, Emma Sue?
I never did anything to hurt you.
I thought we were friends, Emma Sue.
Aw!
I must be taking my leave now.
How can one person be so callous?
Charles!
You can't leave me.
Never.
- Emma Sue. - Charles.
- Look at me. - Whoa.
Oh!
Yeah.
Thank you all for coming!
That was pretty nice.
- Them girls were good, man. - Yeah, they were.
I sure enjoyed that.
That's probably the best two bits I've ever spent.
Two bits? You think two bits can get us one of them girls?
Maybe $2.
Oh, my God! It's the guy from the play!
I-I just saw him.
He-He rode off on a horse. He went that way.
Oh, my God! He killed the president!
The president's dead?
Oh, my God! The president's dead!
Huh.
War Department in Washington.
What the hell.
"Murderer of our late beloved president, Abraham Lincoln.
John Wilkes Booth."
Look at that. Shit.
Shit.
Shit!
Let's go get him.
Goddamn it.
I just never would've figured him for a murderer, No Name.
He's such a good actor.
But the president, no less?
That's pretty cool, come to think of it.
Well, good actor or not,
he's worth $50,000, partner.
And this time, let's try alive, not dead.
I suppose you're right.
Just never know
when evil lurks in the hearts of men sometimes.
A real bona fide assassin.
Don't get riled up over his fame.
He's just a bloodthirsty assassin.
Nothing more, nothing less.
You're right.
I guess I just got all caught up in all the fun of it all.
Come to think of it, you did, too.
What was her name anyways? I never got to meet her.
Dynamite, let's try to focus up, all right? Just let it go.
Focus up here.
Just be quiet. Shut up.
It was pretty funny. Those two gals got after it
like a couple of polecats.
Oh, shit.
And then when John died.
When he got shot and stuff.
He got shot. He was like... aaaah!
That was pretty fucking hilarious.
I told you, man, that was... that was some shit.
That was some shit.
Evenin', gentlemen.
Now, take those guns out.
Slowly.
And drop them on the ground near me.
Like this?
Now, Black Jack Bennet was my partner.
Upon his demise,
it's all mine.
Now, where's the gold?
Gold.
Don't play me for a fool. Where's the gold?
We ain't after the gold, just the bounty.
After a wanted man, in case you didn't know.
Don't lie to me, boy.
Listen. We're bounty hunters, and that's what we do.
I'd appreciate if you wouldn't call my friend here a liar.
You'll appreciate it, do you?
Well, you boys got a line of shit, I will give you that.
More importantly,
you have a nice payout down in the cabin,
and I think that might be mighty profitable
now that you've come to mention it.
Yeah, maybe so.
Yeah, that is so.
Bigger than your penny-ass, nickle dime shit
you would've got from Black Jack, mister.
Dynamite, knock it off.
You damn right there's a hostage,
and a big amount of payout
is due upon the delivery of that bounty.
Hey, Dynamite, knock it off. Pipe down.
All right.
He's right.
Big payout.
Okay.
You. Pick up your gun.
Easy.
Now, go down to the cabin.
Bring back that hostage.
One false move,
and your partner here is dead.
Now, get going. Now, hurry up.
No Name?
Yeah. Just make it quick.
Let me go.
Can't you see I'm bleeding to dea... Oh, no, no, no, no!
I told you to stop whining.
Oh! Oh!
It's nice to finally get some peace and quiet here.
Oh. That there is my knife,
and I'll be taking it back, Ed.
Oh! I bet that felt good.
Come again?
I didn't quite hear you.
Oh. You want some more wine.
Well, here you go.
You sure deserved it.
Besides,
you look kinda pale and all.
That wine there is gonna make you feel alive again.
Mm.
Can you believe...
that kid...
killed the president of the United States?
Ouch.
Oh, this hurts.
This hurts.
Uh-oh.
I think I have a broken nose.
You better let me go.
They're coming to rescue me.
Who?
Ain't no one's gonna find you here.
Like no one found these guys I killed
over two years ago.
Goddamn it.
So, with that being said,
I don't think I can do that, mister.
At least till I collect that reward for you...
for killing the president.
Please.
That president had it coming.
You need to listen to me.
I'm not the man they say I am.
I did justice, and you all should be grateful.
My face!
All right!
That tears it.
There's something stuck in my face.
I've had enough of this shit.
Huh.
There.
That's more like it.
Bop.
Go on. You can cry now, you needy little bitch.
- Woof! - Oh!
And quit your bleedin' all over the floor.
Be nice.
There are guests here.
Shh.
You stay right here.
You best hold up right there.
One more move...
and I'm gonna shoot.
Shh.
Oh. John. Holy shit.
You're shot. You okay?
What the hell happened? Huh?
Here.
I'm okay.
Hey, we gotta stop the bleeding.
Goddamn it. Put this on. Put your hand right there.
Now, hold tight. Good.
Put pressure right there.
What the hell happened, John?
What in the hell is this?
What the hell you want?
This here is my friend John here.
You shot him?
This rotten son of a bitch?
Well, I didn't shoot him.
He was already bleedin' out
when I grabbed him outside the theater.
And I think he'll be staying right here.
Well, looks like we're in a little fix, lady.
You see, you got someone I need,
and I ain't letting him die on me.
What the hell are you waiting for?
- Shoot the crazy witch. - Shut the hell up, John.
Not another word.
You better listen, John,
and shut your piehole.
Well, what's it gonna be?
I ain't accustomed to shooting a woman, but I will.
Well, well, well.
A chivalrous gentlemen, I see.
Well, I tell you what.
Why don't you get No Name to shoot this bitch?
How the hell you know a man called No Name?
That's my partner.
We're what you call...
business associates.
Well, I'll be a son of a bitch, if that don't beat all.
He saved my hide a time or two.
You know what?
Let me tell you...
Let me tell you the time he really saved my ass.
No shit. Goddamn, it's a small world, ain't it?
It's really nice to meet you.
Hey, I'm dying over here.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
I wonder what's taking your buddy so long.
Well, he'll be back directly.
I wouldn't worry so much about it.
I hate to think that he was trying to pull a fast one.
Hey, Hoodoo! How's my partner doing?
Your partner is doing just fine.
Howdy, sweetheart. It's been a long time.
You good with that Hawkens?
Well, I'm just fine, Mr. Dynamite?
I use this rifle
in one of those newfangled traveling Wild West shows.
I can hit a gnat off a dog's ass.
At 300 yards.
Damn.
Hey!
Just to be sure, I can't see my friend from here!
Walk him out in the open if you would, please!
Come on.
There's your sweetheart.
Now, just get your ass up here.
Now!
Pearl. Well, I never thought I'd say this,
but it's good seeing you.
Hmm.
Well...
it's good to see you, too, darlin'.
Got pretty wooly with your friend there
for a minute or two.
You never told me you're running with a business partner.
Well, for you, he's not the kinda guy
that would square off with a female.
Did you shoot him?
Why in the hell did you shoot him?
Better yet, why did you take off with him after the play?
Like I told your friend there,
I didn't shoot him.
I kinda just bumped into him after the play.
Bullshit, Pearl. Someone had to shoot him.
Huh.
In the play, he was shot with a real gun.
- Mm. - That was real.
Holy shit. I thought he was acting on that.
Pearl put a ball in the chamber.
You know.
I'm still dying here.
What?
You can't even notice? You're worthless.
He's talking about you.
I need help, you dumb ass.
Now he's talking about me.
I swear,
I've never met a more ignorant group of...
A... A...
Oh!
Damn it.
Y'all got caught up in conversing,
I completely forgot about him.
He look kinda bad.
Poor bastard took quite a beating from me earlier.
Well, shit.
He's dead. Another lost... Another lost one.
Dead and not alive.
Hmm. You know what? The way I see it,
let's take the bounty, split it three ways.
Does that sound fair to you?
- Fair. - Fair enough.
- Yeah. - All right.
- We should probably ride. - Let's ride.
Get the horses ready. You know what?
You should probably wrap him up in a blanket like you do.
Y'all hear that?
- Señor! - I do.
Go get the horses ready.
Pearl, let's find out what's hollerin'.
Wrap him up?
Sergio, what are you doing tied to a tree?
You know him?
Yeah. He was taken hostage by Black Jack Bennet Gang.
What were you doing here, Sergio?
Hold.
- Hola, Señor Dynamite. - What are you doing here?
Hoodoo.
He killed my wife.
He take me out here again.
He come back looking for you guys.
That was Hoodoo Brown?
I heard of him. That son of a bitch.
You coming with us?
No.
I gotta go and, you know, put my wife to rest.
Ah, sí.
Well, listen, Sergio.
I'm really sorry for your loss. I feel terrible about that.
But, uh, I'll tell you what,
we'll stop in and see you on our next ride through there.
Now, listen. Remember that piece of paper I gave you?
Are you listening? Remember that piece of paper?
That's how you're gonna reach me when you hear something
about the Black Jack Bennet mine.
You remember something about the mine?
No Name! I think he's gotta take a piss.
I'm going to piss!
Aah!
Adios, Señor Dynamite!
Get up. Hold up. Don't go running in there.
No, come on.
What in the hell she's doing now?
She knows better. She knows better than that.
What in the world.
Those kids.
Oh, God. Oh!
Name is Little Bill. You've done been had.
Now, hand that pistol over nice and easy.
That's nice.
Stay down there with me and don't move a muscle,
or you're a dead woman.
What in the Sam Hill kinda shit is this?
Ay-ya.
That's one of them midgets right there.
Hey!
This...
I don't know what that is.
That looks like a goddamn train wreck.
You gonna pay, you rotten son of a bitch.
You killed my brother, Little Bill.
I'm Little Mary,
and you done messed with the wrong midget.
I mean, little person, you prick.
This here's my partner, Little Peter,
and he ain't one to be fucked with either.
Now, throw down your weapons, asswipes.
You heard the lady, boys and girls.
Throw down your guns. We can end all this drama.
Give me the body. He is rightfully mine.
If I can't have him, none of you can.
I've been following for years
without him giving me a second glance.
It was meant to be.
You.
You ruined my plan.
Now you must pay with your life.
Oh, go on and make your play, you crazy son of a bitch.
Come get some,
you and that sawed-off little runt.
What are you laughing at, you idiots?
Greetings, my friends.
I'm sorry to say you no longer have the advantage.
Hey. You're the magician who walked in the saloon.
That's him, No Name.
You did good on that one trick, though.
Stop this nonsense bullshit.
You will speak when spoken to.
One more word,
and I will spill your guts with two barrels of buckshot.
Now, you're going to give us the body of John Wilkes Booth
on that horse.
See,
back in town,
I saw this lovely lady...
ride out on horse with John Wilkes Booth's body,
and she disappeared in thin air.
Now, you kneel down,
or your friend will be first.
Come on. Get down.
Mr. Taviano.
If you please afford me one last smoke.
Fine.
Why do you Americans always want to be so dramatic?
Just die already.
I got you now, you Rasputin prick.
It's the last time you run out on me, you no-paying pig.
I chased you across two states,
countless carnivals and saloons,
and four very unreputable cathouses.
Oh, my dearest.
What a wonderful surprise to see you, my lovely.
We were so worried.
Save it, peckerhead.
It's time to pay the piper, you unsavory son of a bitch.
But, my lovely, I never meant...
I'm not playing. Time's up.
Oh. Oh, please.
I'm not falling for one of your phony tricks.
Hey, hold yourself together and die like a man, pansy boy.
I only beg for your forgiveness
and hope we will meet again one day,
my delicate desert flower.
Now, will you do me a favor for one last time for a smoke?
Now who's being dramatic? You phony bastard.
- Go on and burn one. - But make it quick.
What?
No. No!
No!
Damn it! Damn! God... Blubberin'.
You do not... No!
You hunk of shit piece...
No! This ain't how this goes!
- He stiffed the whore! - Rubber Jean, wait.
Wait for me.
Okay. Show's over.
Let's go.
She's dead.
We need to hurry up. Gotta make it to the camp.
Well, I don't think
they're gonna be any more ridiculous distractions.
Well, let's just make sure there are not.
- Okeydoke. - Let's get going.
Huh. Goddamn.
That was the best damn trick I ever did see.
How far you figure to the garrison in Owens?
It shouldn't be more than a couple days' ride
if I figured correctly.
That is, if we keep our shit together.
Ah.
So, Pearl,
how did you come about going after John in the first place?
Well, boys,
I guess I'm kinda like y'all, in that...
I've done my fair share of bounty hunting
for quite some time.
Aw. It's like the last time I hooked up with No Name.
I was chasing a bounty skip at the time
till I was smooth talked
into spending a better quality time
with your friend here.
Yee-ha!
Well, then, Pearl, you must tell me the whole story.
All the gritty details.
Don't leave nothing out.
And I think we've heard enough about that subject tonight.
- No, no, no, no. - Oh, yes.
That's enough. I think it's time we go to sleep.
Oh.
Someone's here.
A horse is here, sir.
Captain Forbes.
Pearl.
Got something for you.
Hold this, darlin'.
Thank you.
All right. Shh.
You got John Wilkes Booth?
- Yee-ha! - She got John Wilkes Booth.
That's it, boys. Pack it in. We're done.
Lieutenant, take control of that body.
Yes, Captain.
Pearl, if you would be so kind as to join me in my tent.
Well...
Hey, guys. How did you find him?
How did you guys get that son of a bitch?
Well, it's quite an interesting story.
So, we first found John in a cabin in the woods.
He come running in like his ass was on fire.
Well, thank you, Captain.
My pleasure, ma'am.
Lieutenant.
Fetch some peanuts, wine, that table.
Yes, sir.
Me and No Name there were posted up,
just enjoying the night like some normal...
Hold on a minute there, Dynamite. Let's go.
No Name. Dynamite.
Join me, won't you?
Yeah. We're like Cornwallis.
You know Cornwallis?
Yes, I do.
Well, gentlemen...
Take this.
...I think a drink is in order.
You gotta pour heavier on that one. Thank you.
Just introduced to the United States of America.
Cheers, gents.
Cheers.
Roasted peanuts.
Crush those up. Drink some wine with them.
They're amazing.
Good, ain't it?
So, where's Pearl?
Pearl's not important.
Where's Pearl?
Pearl's not important. What's important is the reward.
- I disagree. - Yeah.
For example... Dynamite, what would you spend your reward on?
Well, I would spend it on buying
a whole lot of these peanuts here, that's for sure.
So at the end of the day,
we're all just working for peanuts.
Let me get this straight.
You gave the reward to Pearl,
and we get peanuts.
Horseshit.
- No Name, let's go. - Hmm.
You know what? This never would've happened
if you hadn't gotten involved with that Pearl.
You're right.
You have fucked up.
Hey.
Stay warm, soldiers.
Pearl!
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