Previously onUnited States of Al...
So we just sign these and we're divorced?
Yep.
Goodbye, ex-wife.
Goodbye, first husband.
Hazel can never find out about this.
Oh, my God. Hazel!
She's never gonna find out
because we are not going to tell anybody.
Not Freddy,
not Holly.Oh, God! Holly!
I slept with someone.
It was Sourpuss Barbie, wasn't it?
Where were you this morning?
I was out.
Riley.
I was at Vanessa's.
You didn't!
Lower your voice.
Aw, you did...
Rah...
Hey.
I don't know why you're working so hard.
You know you're gonna get lucky.
Well, where were ya? I've been waiting.
Mmm.I stopped to get myself an alibi.
This is the ticket to the movie I'm currently watching.
It's three hours long.
Ooh. Is that a challenge?
More like a demand.
Oh. You smell just like you did in high school.
'Cause I still live with my dad.
He bought a pallet of Irish Spring 20 years ago.
We're about halfway through it.
I love it.
We also have 80 jars of French's mustard, if you need any.
Bring one next time.
We'll see what we can do with it.
Why are you sketching me all the time?
You're the perfect subject.
You haven't moved in an hour.
I move.
You're like a bowl of fruit with a remote.
Hi!30?
You crazy bastard.
How was your date? '
Oh, it was awesome.
Cindy took me to an amusement park.
And we had cotton candy, she got her face painted
and we went on a roller coaster.
My first time.
That sounds like fun.
It was fun when we were going up
and terrible when we were going down.
She put a really cute picture of you guys on Instagram.
What?
Yeah, here.
Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
My life is destroyed.
What?I can't have a picture
of a woman kissing me on the Internet.
Oh, yeah. Your family is gonna lose their minds.
This picture?
Of you on a roller coaster?
Trust me, in Afghanistan, that might as well be a sex tape.
Let me see that.
I have to call Cindy.
Sex tape?
I have a ballpoint pen dirtier than this.
Oh, hi, Al.
How's your tummy?
Better now, thank you.
You have to take that photo of us down.
Mm. 'Cause you cried a little?
'Cause people will think
there is something going on between us.
Well, there is.
Unless you broke up with me and I didn't hear it.
That's happened.
My mother cannot see this.
She will never forgive me.
Oh, well, who cares what your mom thinks?
I don't have time to explain this.
The sun is rising in Kabul.
Please take down the picture.
Okay, okay.Thank you.
Goodbye.
Eh.
Oh, I can't look.
It's your cousin, Zubair.
Oh, no.
Hello.
How is my playboy cousin?
How bad is it?
So bad. I mean, only nine people have texted me,
but it's still early.
Has my mother seen it?
God, I hope so.
If I were you,
I would fake my own death.
Yeah, I'm thinking about it.
You were always the good cousin, and I was the handsome cousin.
Well, now I am both.
Did you call to help or just gloat?
Gloat. No one can help you.
Okay. Bye, Zubair.
Nothing like family, huh?
In Pashto,
the word for "cousin" is the same
as the word for "enemy."
If you're serious about faking your own death, I know a guy.
It's not cheap.
Hey. Uh, Hazel ready?
I can't believe you did it.
Did what?
The divorce.
Oh. Yeah, sure.Ah.
Bring it in, amigo!
Ah.Oh!
Gosh! I got to be honest--
I did not know if it was gonna happen.
Thanks. I'm just gonna grab Hazel and go.
Oh, before you do,
I got a couple questions about how to turn off
the water and fix a leak.
Specifically, like...
how do you turn off the water and fix a leak?
What's going on?There's a...
pool of water underneath the bathroom sink.
Probably shouldn't be there.
I can take a look.
There you go again,
being a stand-up dude.
Ah. No problem.
You got any tools?
Just these.
And this.
I got some tools in my truck.
You're the best!Stop saying that!
Wild guess-- Al's mom found out.
Maybe we should give 'em a little space?
It's not like we're eavesdropping.
We don't speak the language.
Angry, disappointed parent?
I am fluent.
"I thought I taught you better than this."
"I sacrificed so much."
"Why don't you just stab me in the heart?"
You're talking about Riley, right?
Oh, sweetie,
I'm talking about the both of you.
Hey! What's going on?
I just spoke with my mother.
Really? How is she?
I am afraid my freewheeling lifestyle has come to a close.
No need to lock up
your daughters, America.
They're safe now.
What happened?
She says the only way to restore honor to our name
is if she finds me a wife from a good family.
A wife?
Can't you just do a bunch
of Muslim Hail Marys or something?
No, no, no, no.
If your parents are not happy with you, Mr. Art,
God is not happy with you.
Are you listening to this?
She already has someone in mind.
Her name is Nasim.
Oh.That's a pretty name.
She was the neighborhood bully.
When we were kids, she used to hold me down
and spit on my face till I cried.
Ooh.
Maybe I should arrange a marriage for you.
Go for it.
Ooh. Called my bluff.
Did not see that coming.
Vanessa's doing really good, too.
Ever since you guys signed those papers,
she's so happy and relaxed.
You don't say.
She got all this new sexy underwear,
but, uh, you didn't hear it from me.
No, I didn't.
It's a good thing for you, too, dude.
How you figure?I know it's been hard
since you got out of the Marines.
But now you're divorced.
Maybe it'll help unstick you.
Didn't know I was stuck.
Aw, yeah, you did.
The Marines wasn't just a job for you--
it was your whole identity.
I know what that's like, man.
How would you know what that's like?
I was lost when the Maple Leafs cut me.
The Toronto Maple Leafs?
Yeah.
The hockey team?
Yeah.
The professional hockey team
that you played for?
No, they cut me in training camp.
I was great but, uh, not super great.
Mm. It was a real puck in the jockstrap.
How did I not know this?
I don't like to talk about it.
And you've never really, like, asked me a question before.
The NHL that's on TV?
Uh-huh. And for the next four years,
I lived out of my car,
trying to drink myself to death because I was, uh...
Stuck?
Now we're communicating.
But I picked myself up,
and now I'm on another team.
A team that finds bugs in hospital software.
So, what's your thing?
What's your next team?
I don't know.
It's okay!
You're gonna find it,
and I'm here for you.
Thanks.
Just because I sleep in your old bed with your ex-wife
doesn't mean that you can't call me up in the middle of the night
and say "Freddy, let's go take a walk."
Good to know.
Ah, bring it in. Come on.
I'm a guy who says "you're welcome" with his arms.
Yeah.
What are you doing?
Making a birdhouse for Freddy.
Oh. Why?
He's into birdwatching.
Just trying to do a nice thing.
Huh. You feel guilty.
What, a man can't make another man a birdhouse?
You and Vanessa made one mistake.
We made a couple of mistakes.
And we're gonna make another one tomorrow.
Seriously, Riley?
I know!Guilt is your heart
and your brain rejecting bad behavior.
Trust me, I know. I'm the king of guilt.
What do you have to feel guilty about?
Disappointing my mother.
But there is an answer for both of us.
You stop sleeping with Vanessa,
and I will marry Nasim.
Who the hell is Nasim?
She is the woman my mother has decided I will marry.
Do your girlfriends know about this?
I have to let them go.
I have to let everything go.
I had my fun. Going on six dates.
Three at night.
And those memories will comfort me in a way
my wife will never be able to.
I really don't want to stop sleeping with Vanessa.
I really don't want to marry the neighborhood bully.
I like your problem better than mine.
Would you think I'm weird if I got chocolate cake as my entrée?
No. You should eat whatever you want.
It's nice you have the freedom to choose like that.
It's just cake, Al.
We can share.
I wish we could.
Something wrong?
Ariana jaan, I brought you here
because this is where you first fell in love with me,
and this is where you must fall out of love with me.
Since when am I in love with you?
Ah. Thank you for making this so easy for me.
Wait, are you breaking up with me?
I am afraid so.
My mother has decided that I must marry a girl back home.
What happened?
Another woman I am dating posted a picture of us together
on Instagram.
Oh, Al.
If you're gonna date a white girl,
you have to tell them not to do that up front.
I should have known. She was constantly posting pictures
of what she ate. Eh.
In college, my girlfriend posted a picture of us at a frat party.
I didn't know my aunt was on Facebook.
My dad drove to campus that night
and tried to make me move back home.
Ah. What happened?
I said I wasn't going home.
He said I was cut off.
We didn't talk for a week.
And then I got lucky.
My cousin pierced her belly button
and the news cycle had moved on.
Oh, that is lucky.
I wonder if I could get my cousin Zubair
to get a face tattoo.
Hmm.
I'd really hate to lose you.
What if you didn't have to lose me?
How would that work?
I tell my mother
that there is a beautiful Afghan American woman
with a face like the moon on the 14th day
who comes from an excellent family,
who can't bear to live without me
and she's already shaking her head.
That is not an option.
Aw, come on. Nasim is the worst.
She used to sit on me until I couldn't breathe.
I understand the pressure you're under,
but you're a grown man living halfway across the world
from his family.
You can chart your own path.
Our path?Stop it.
It took my father a while to understand
why I was making certain choices,
but he came around eventually.
Maybe your mother will, too.
With your beautiful eyes and my beautiful nose,
our children could be movie stars.
But we won't let them.
They'll be doctors.
No.
Let's get you that cake and then we'll talk.
I've been waiting for this all day.
Yeah. Me, too.
Mmm.
But, um, maybe we don't go right to it.
Why?
I was thinking we could...
cuddle a little.
Watch TV.
I did not get waxed to watch TV.
I'm-I'm so sorry.
I-I need to slow down.
Um, I just-- I got a lot of stuff
bouncing around in my head.
Well, let me help you relax.
Yeah.
Do you feel guilty about this?
Stop it.Yeah, okay, okay.
It's just...
I talked to Freddy.
What did you say?
I didn't tell him about us.
We talked about me, mostly.
He's kind of insightful.
Okay, but he doesn't know?
No.'Kay.
I made him a birdhouse.
Please do anything with your mouth but talk.
Sorry for trying to tell you how I feel.
Riley.
Focus.
You're right. I'm sorry.
My mother wants to talk to me about the wedding.
How's this even gonna happen when you're here
and Nasim's in Afghanistan?
I will not be at the wedding.
The tradition is they will use a sword to represent me.
A sword?Yes.
It is a symbol of masculinity.
A little on the nose, but okay.
Does your mother know how unhappy this is making you?
It doesn't matter.
She thinks I am on a sinful path
and marriage is the only way she knows to turn my life around.
How are you on a sinful path?
You cover your eyes at shampoo commercials.
I've already broken my mother's heart.
I can't do it a second time.
Now, excuse me.
I need to go pick out what kind of sword I'm going to be.
Uh, you know my friend, Dave Flanagan?
Yeah. What about him?
He's got this son, uh, Toby.
Now, not the tallest guy in the world, but...
Stop.
It's a very nice family.
Stop!
Hey, you two!
What's going on?
Mother, Mr. Art is here.
Hi!
Nice to see you!
I think you have a good kid here!
No good kid. Bad kid.
Bad kid!
She is so embarrassed
she let such a bad influence into your home.
She would like to slap me through the Internet.
But since she can't,
she is wondering if you would please do it.
Slide over.
Being a parent's the toughest job.
My son
far from me.
I not help.
Well, my son spent some time far away from me
in your country,
so I know about feeling helpless.
Let me tell you something about this kid.
You taught him well.
He's honest and kind.
Everyone in this house is better because of him.
You should be so proud.
What are you staring at? Tell her.
I know it's none of my business,
but he doesn't need to get married
to stay on the straight and narrow.
He's on it.
And if he ever messes up,
I'll straighten him out.
I promise.
Thank you, Riley father.
You're welcome, Al's mom.
Wow. I had no idea you could do this.
I'm glad you like it.
There are so many things I don't know about you.
Uh, not a lot to know.
I'm an open book.
Well, that's a book I'd like to take out of the library.
Maybe never bring it back.
Cool.
Well, thanks again for this birdhouse.
Sure. Yeah, I hope it attracts many birds that you...
enjoy looking at.
Speaking of which,
you know what my favorite bird is?
The owl.
'Cause they see everything.
When I was a kid, we had a barn owl.
Used to eat rats.
They never saw him coming.
Boy, I love this thing.
Someday I'll give you a gift.