1
00:00:02,089 --> 00:00:03,525
Previously
onUnited States of Al...

2
00:00:03,568 --> 00:00:06,180
So we just sign these
and we're divorced?

3
00:00:06,223 --> 00:00:07,181
Yep.

4
00:00:07,224 --> 00:00:08,443
Goodbye, ex-wife.

5
00:00:08,486 --> 00:00:10,575
Goodbye, first husband.

6
00:00:12,099 --> 00:00:14,362
Hazel can never find out
about this.

7
00:00:14,405 --> 00:00:16,886
Oh, my God. Hazel!

8
00:00:16,929 --> 00:00:18,583
She's never
gonna find out

9
00:00:18,627 --> 00:00:20,498
because we are not
going to tell anybody.

10
00:00:20,542 --> 00:00:21,934
Not Freddy,

11
00:00:21,978 --> 00:00:23,849
not Holly.Oh, God! Holly!

12
00:00:23,893 --> 00:00:25,155
I slept with someone.

13
00:00:25,199 --> 00:00:27,157
It was Sourpuss
Barbie, wasn't it?

14
00:00:27,201 --> 00:00:28,158
Where were you this morning?

15
00:00:28,202 --> 00:00:29,290
I was out.

16
00:00:29,333 --> 00:00:30,813
Riley.

17
00:00:30,856 --> 00:00:32,510
I was at Vanessa's.

18
00:00:32,554 --> 00:00:34,469
You didn't!

19
00:00:34,512 --> 00:00:36,384
[whispers]:
Lower your voice.

20
00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:41,650
Aw, you did...

21
00:00:46,742 --> 00:00:48,135
[grunts, exhales forcefully]

22
00:00:49,875 --> 00:00:51,225
[grunts]

23
00:00:51,268 --> 00:00:52,748
Rah...

24
00:00:55,838 --> 00:00:57,057
[grunts]

25
00:00:58,145 --> 00:00:59,276
[casually]:
Hey.

26
00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:00,669
[chuckles softly]

27
00:01:00,712 --> 00:01:02,801
I don't know why
you're working so hard.

28
00:01:02,845 --> 00:01:04,977
You know you're gonna get lucky.

29
00:01:05,021 --> 00:01:06,675
Well, where were ya?
I've been waiting.

30
00:01:06,718 --> 00:01:08,503
[chuckles]

31
00:01:08,546 --> 00:01:11,810
Mmm.I stopped to get
myself an alibi.

32
00:01:11,854 --> 00:01:14,726
This is the ticket to the
movie I'm currently watching.

33
00:01:14,770 --> 00:01:16,250
It's three hours long.

34
00:01:16,293 --> 00:01:18,382
Ooh. Is that a challenge?

35
00:01:18,426 --> 00:01:20,384
More like a demand.[chuckles]

36
00:01:24,171 --> 00:01:27,304
Oh. You smell just like
you did in high school.

37
00:01:27,348 --> 00:01:29,176
'Cause I still live
with my dad.

38
00:01:29,219 --> 00:01:31,265
He bought a pallet
of Irish Spring 20 years ago.

39
00:01:31,308 --> 00:01:33,136
We're about halfway through it.

40
00:01:33,180 --> 00:01:35,747
[moaning]

41
00:01:35,791 --> 00:01:37,401
I love it.
[chuckles]

42
00:01:37,445 --> 00:01:40,796
We also have 80 jars of French's
mustard, if you need any.

43
00:01:40,839 --> 00:01:42,319
Bring one next time.

44
00:01:42,363 --> 00:01:43,625
We'll see what we
can do with it.

45
00:01:43,668 --> 00:01:45,148
[laughs][chuckles]

46
00:01:45,192 --> 00:01:46,236
♪

47
00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:47,629
♪ Oh!

48
00:01:57,421 --> 00:01:59,467
♪

49
00:02:00,511 --> 00:02:02,774
[cheering over TV]

50
00:02:04,820 --> 00:02:06,430
Why are you sketching
me all the time?

51
00:02:06,474 --> 00:02:08,171
You're the perfect subject.

52
00:02:08,215 --> 00:02:10,304
You haven't moved in an hour.

53
00:02:10,347 --> 00:02:12,262
I move.

54
00:02:12,306 --> 00:02:13,785
[chuckling]

55
00:02:13,829 --> 00:02:16,048
You're like a bowl of fruit
with a remote.

56
00:02:17,746 --> 00:02:19,617
Hi!9:30?

57
00:02:19,661 --> 00:02:21,228
You crazy bastard.

58
00:02:21,271 --> 00:02:22,272
How was your date?
'
[door closes]

59
00:02:22,316 --> 00:02:23,839
Oh, it was awesome.

60
00:02:23,882 --> 00:02:25,362
Cindy took me
to an amusement park.

61
00:02:25,406 --> 00:02:27,712
And we had cotton candy,
she got her face painted

62
00:02:27,756 --> 00:02:28,800
and we went on a roller coaster.

63
00:02:28,844 --> 00:02:29,801
My first time.

64
00:02:29,845 --> 00:02:30,933
That sounds like fun.

65
00:02:30,976 --> 00:02:32,195
It was fun
when we were going up

66
00:02:32,239 --> 00:02:34,328
and terrible
when we were going down.

67
00:02:34,371 --> 00:02:36,808
She put a really cute picture
of you guys on Instagram.

68
00:02:36,852 --> 00:02:37,809
What?

69
00:02:37,853 --> 00:02:39,637
Yeah, here.

70
00:02:39,681 --> 00:02:42,684
Oh, no. Oh, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

71
00:02:42,727 --> 00:02:44,251
My life is destroyed.

72
00:02:44,294 --> 00:02:45,861
What?I can't have
a picture

73
00:02:45,904 --> 00:02:47,471
of a woman kissing me
on the Internet.

74
00:02:47,515 --> 00:02:50,344
Oh, yeah. Your family
is gonna lose their minds.

75
00:02:50,387 --> 00:02:51,562
This picture?

76
00:02:51,606 --> 00:02:53,390
Of you on a
roller coaster?

77
00:02:53,434 --> 00:02:55,262
Trust me, in Afghanistan, that
might as well be a sex tape.

78
00:02:55,305 --> 00:02:56,263
Let me see that.

79
00:02:56,306 --> 00:02:57,699
I have to call Cindy.

80
00:02:57,742 --> 00:02:59,266
Sex tape?

81
00:02:59,309 --> 00:03:02,182
I have a ballpoint pen dirtier
than this.

82
00:03:03,966 --> 00:03:05,228
[phone rings]

83
00:03:05,272 --> 00:03:06,403
Oh, hi, Al.

84
00:03:06,447 --> 00:03:08,188
How's your tummy?

85
00:03:08,231 --> 00:03:10,146
Better now, thank you.

86
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:11,713
You have to take that photo
of us down.

87
00:03:11,756 --> 00:03:14,063
Mm. 'Cause you cried a little?

88
00:03:14,106 --> 00:03:15,456
'Cause people will think

89
00:03:15,499 --> 00:03:16,239
there is something
going on between us.

90
00:03:16,283 --> 00:03:18,154
Well, there is.

91
00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:20,243
Unless you broke up with me
and I didn't hear it.

92
00:03:20,287 --> 00:03:21,810
That's happened.

93
00:03:22,811 --> 00:03:24,204
My mother cannot see this.

94
00:03:24,247 --> 00:03:25,683
She will never forgive me.

95
00:03:25,727 --> 00:03:27,381
Oh, well, who cares
what your mom thinks?

96
00:03:27,424 --> 00:03:28,512
I don't have time
to explain this.

97
00:03:28,556 --> 00:03:29,861
The sun is rising in Kabul.

98
00:03:29,905 --> 00:03:30,949
Please take down the picture.

99
00:03:30,993 --> 00:03:32,429
Okay, okay.Thank you.

100
00:03:32,473 --> 00:03:33,561
Goodbye.

101
00:03:34,953 --> 00:03:36,564
[exhales]

102
00:03:36,607 --> 00:03:37,652
Eh.

103
00:03:39,393 --> 00:03:41,482
[phone buzzing]

104
00:03:41,525 --> 00:03:43,397
Oh, I can't look.

105
00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:44,746
It's your cousin, Zubair.

106
00:03:44,789 --> 00:03:47,009
[exhales]
Oh, no.

107
00:03:48,750 --> 00:03:49,707
Hello.

108
00:03:49,751 --> 00:03:52,144
How is my playboy cousin?

109
00:03:52,188 --> 00:03:53,929
How bad is it?

110
00:03:53,972 --> 00:03:56,497
So bad. I mean,
only nine people have texted me,

111
00:03:56,540 --> 00:03:58,238
but it's still early.

112
00:03:58,281 --> 00:03:59,543
Has my mother
seen it?

113
00:03:59,587 --> 00:04:00,936
God, I hope so.

114
00:04:00,979 --> 00:04:02,154
If I were you,

115
00:04:02,198 --> 00:04:03,199
I would fake my own death.

116
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:05,462
Yeah, I'm thinking about it.

117
00:04:05,506 --> 00:04:09,423
You were always the good cousin,
and I was the handsome cousin.

118
00:04:09,466 --> 00:04:12,426
Well, now I am both.

119
00:04:12,469 --> 00:04:15,211
Did you call to help
or just gloat?

120
00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:16,734
Gloat. No one can help you.

121
00:04:16,778 --> 00:04:18,649
Okay.
Bye, Zubair.

122
00:04:18,693 --> 00:04:20,434
Nothing like
family, huh?

123
00:04:20,477 --> 00:04:21,783
In Pashto,

124
00:04:21,826 --> 00:04:23,132
the word for "cousin"
is the same

125
00:04:23,175 --> 00:04:24,351
as the word for "enemy."

126
00:04:25,395 --> 00:04:28,355
If you're serious about faking
your own death, I know a guy.

127
00:04:29,834 --> 00:04:31,662
It's not cheap.

128
00:04:32,663 --> 00:04:34,317
[knocking]

129
00:04:35,579 --> 00:04:37,189
Hey. Uh, Hazel ready?

130
00:04:37,233 --> 00:04:39,017
I can't believe you did it.

131
00:04:39,061 --> 00:04:40,845
Did what?

132
00:04:40,889 --> 00:04:41,890
The divorce.

133
00:04:41,933 --> 00:04:43,544
Oh. Yeah, sure.Ah.

134
00:04:43,587 --> 00:04:44,545
Bring it in, amigo!

135
00:04:44,588 --> 00:04:46,155
Ah.Oh!

136
00:04:46,198 --> 00:04:48,331
Gosh! I got to be honest--

137
00:04:48,375 --> 00:04:49,811
I did not know
if it was gonna happen.

138
00:04:49,854 --> 00:04:51,421
Thanks. I'm just gonna
grab Hazel and go.

139
00:04:51,465 --> 00:04:52,944
Oh, before you do,

140
00:04:52,988 --> 00:04:54,555
I got a couple questions
about how to turn off

141
00:04:54,598 --> 00:04:55,773
the water and fix a leak.

142
00:04:55,817 --> 00:04:57,384
Specifically, like...

143
00:04:57,427 --> 00:05:00,038
how do you turn off the
water and fix a leak?

144
00:05:01,126 --> 00:05:02,476
What's going on?There's a...

145
00:05:02,519 --> 00:05:04,565
pool of water underneath
the bathroom sink.

146
00:05:04,608 --> 00:05:06,349
Probably shouldn't
be there.

147
00:05:06,393 --> 00:05:07,568
I can take a look.

148
00:05:07,611 --> 00:05:08,569
There you go again,

149
00:05:08,612 --> 00:05:10,353
being a stand-up dude.

150
00:05:10,397 --> 00:05:11,615
Ah. No problem.

151
00:05:11,659 --> 00:05:12,616
You got any tools?

152
00:05:12,660 --> 00:05:13,835
Just these.

153
00:05:13,878 --> 00:05:14,966
And this.

154
00:05:15,010 --> 00:05:16,664
I got some tools in my truck.

155
00:05:16,707 --> 00:05:18,753
You're the best!Stop saying that!

156
00:05:20,668 --> 00:05:22,147
[Gul Bashra yelling in Pashto
over laptop]

157
00:05:25,455 --> 00:05:28,153
Wild guess-- Al's mom found out.

158
00:05:28,197 --> 00:05:30,068
[yelling continues]

159
00:05:30,112 --> 00:05:32,288
Maybe we should give
'em a little space?

160
00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:33,681
It's not like
we're eavesdropping.

161
00:05:33,724 --> 00:05:35,030
We don't speak
the language.

162
00:05:35,073 --> 00:05:37,598
[chuckles] Angry,
disappointed parent?

163
00:05:37,641 --> 00:05:38,860
I am fluent.

164
00:05:38,903 --> 00:05:40,818
[yelling continues]

165
00:05:41,863 --> 00:05:43,299
"I thought I taught you
better than this."

166
00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:45,214
[yelling continues]

167
00:05:46,258 --> 00:05:48,260
"I sacrificed so much."

168
00:05:48,304 --> 00:05:49,697
[yelling continues]

169
00:05:50,741 --> 00:05:53,091
"Why don't you just
stab me in the heart?"

170
00:05:53,135 --> 00:05:55,180
You're talking about Riley,
right?

171
00:05:55,224 --> 00:05:56,573
Oh, sweetie,

172
00:05:56,617 --> 00:05:58,096
I'm talking about
the both of you.

173
00:06:01,317 --> 00:06:03,014
Hey! What's going on?

174
00:06:03,058 --> 00:06:04,233
[sighs]

175
00:06:04,276 --> 00:06:06,235
I just spoke
with my mother.

176
00:06:06,278 --> 00:06:08,063
Really? How is she?

177
00:06:08,106 --> 00:06:11,153
I am afraid my freewheeling
lifestyle has come to a close.

178
00:06:11,196 --> 00:06:12,502
No need
to lock up

179
00:06:12,546 --> 00:06:14,069
your daughters, America.

180
00:06:14,112 --> 00:06:15,418
They're safe now.

181
00:06:16,419 --> 00:06:18,334
What happened?

182
00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:20,467
She says the only way to
restore honor to our name

183
00:06:20,510 --> 00:06:22,991
is if she finds me a wife
from a good family.

184
00:06:23,034 --> 00:06:23,948
A wife?

185
00:06:23,992 --> 00:06:25,297
Can't you just do a bunch

186
00:06:25,341 --> 00:06:26,298
of Muslim Hail Marys
or something?

187
00:06:26,342 --> 00:06:27,822
No, no, no, no.

188
00:06:27,865 --> 00:06:29,867
If your parents
are not happy with you, Mr. Art,

189
00:06:29,911 --> 00:06:31,434
God is not happy with you.

190
00:06:31,478 --> 00:06:33,131
Are you listening to this?

191
00:06:34,437 --> 00:06:36,091
She already has someone in mind.

192
00:06:36,134 --> 00:06:37,266
Her name is Nasim.

193
00:06:37,309 --> 00:06:38,746
Oh.That's a pretty name.

194
00:06:38,789 --> 00:06:40,182
She was the neighborhood bully.

195
00:06:40,225 --> 00:06:42,271
When we were kids,
she used to hold me down

196
00:06:42,314 --> 00:06:44,491
and spit on my face
till I cried.

197
00:06:46,623 --> 00:06:47,885
Ooh.
[exhales]

198
00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:54,022
Maybe I should arrange
a marriage for you.

199
00:06:54,065 --> 00:06:55,371
Go for it.

200
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:57,808
Ooh. Called my bluff.

201
00:06:57,852 --> 00:07:00,028
Did not see that coming.

202
00:07:03,727 --> 00:07:05,425
Vanessa's doing
really good, too.

203
00:07:05,468 --> 00:07:06,817
Ever since you guys
signed those papers,

204
00:07:06,861 --> 00:07:09,690
she's so happy
and relaxed.

205
00:07:10,995 --> 00:07:12,649
You don't say.

206
00:07:13,694 --> 00:07:15,435
She got
all this new sexy underwear,

207
00:07:15,478 --> 00:07:16,871
but, uh,
you didn't hear it from me.

208
00:07:16,914 --> 00:07:18,873
No, I didn't.

209
00:07:18,916 --> 00:07:20,483
It's a good thing
for you, too, dude.

210
00:07:20,527 --> 00:07:22,180
How you figure?I know it's been hard

211
00:07:22,224 --> 00:07:23,660
since you got out
of the Marines.

212
00:07:23,704 --> 00:07:25,140
But now you're divorced.

213
00:07:25,183 --> 00:07:26,794
Maybe it'll help unstick you.

214
00:07:26,837 --> 00:07:28,535
Didn't know I was stuck.

215
00:07:28,578 --> 00:07:29,927
Aw, yeah, you did.

216
00:07:29,971 --> 00:07:31,363
The Marines wasn't just a job
for you--

217
00:07:31,407 --> 00:07:32,887
it was your
whole identity.

218
00:07:32,930 --> 00:07:34,628
I know what that's like, man.

219
00:07:34,671 --> 00:07:37,239
How would you know
what that's like?

220
00:07:37,282 --> 00:07:39,981
I was lost
when the Maple Leafs cut me.

221
00:07:40,024 --> 00:07:42,244
The Toronto Maple Leafs?

222
00:07:42,287 --> 00:07:43,463
Yeah.

223
00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:45,465
The hockey team?

224
00:07:45,508 --> 00:07:46,640
Yeah.

225
00:07:46,683 --> 00:07:48,816
The professional hockey team

226
00:07:48,859 --> 00:07:50,731
that you played for?

227
00:07:50,774 --> 00:07:53,124
No, they cut me
in training camp.

228
00:07:53,168 --> 00:07:55,953
I was great but,
uh, not super great.

229
00:07:55,997 --> 00:07:59,174
Mm. It was a real puck
in the jockstrap.

230
00:08:01,132 --> 00:08:02,264
How did I not know this?

231
00:08:02,307 --> 00:08:04,571
I don't like to talk about it.

232
00:08:04,614 --> 00:08:08,139
And you've never really, like,
asked me a question before.

233
00:08:09,184 --> 00:08:12,535
The NHL that's on TV?

234
00:08:12,579 --> 00:08:14,972
Uh-huh. And for
the next four years,

235
00:08:15,016 --> 00:08:16,670
I lived out of my car,

236
00:08:16,713 --> 00:08:20,978
trying to drink myself to
death because I was, uh...

237
00:08:21,022 --> 00:08:22,153
Stuck?

238
00:08:22,197 --> 00:08:24,373
Now we're communicating.

239
00:08:25,548 --> 00:08:26,984
But I picked
myself up,

240
00:08:27,028 --> 00:08:28,551
and now I'm on
another team.

241
00:08:28,595 --> 00:08:31,859
A team that finds bugs
in hospital software.

242
00:08:33,817 --> 00:08:35,689
So, what's your thing?

243
00:08:35,732 --> 00:08:37,212
What's your next team?

244
00:08:39,606 --> 00:08:40,824
I don't know.

245
00:08:40,868 --> 00:08:42,391
It's okay!

246
00:08:42,434 --> 00:08:43,653
You're gonna find it,

247
00:08:43,697 --> 00:08:45,002
and I'm here for you.

248
00:08:46,264 --> 00:08:47,875
Thanks.

249
00:08:47,918 --> 00:08:50,051
Just because I sleep in your
old bed with your ex-wife

250
00:08:50,094 --> 00:08:52,357
doesn't mean that you can't call
me up in the middle of the night

251
00:08:52,401 --> 00:08:55,491
and say "Freddy,
let's go take a walk."

252
00:08:56,666 --> 00:08:58,320
Good to know.

253
00:08:58,363 --> 00:08:59,974
Ah, bring it
in. Come on.

254
00:09:00,017 --> 00:09:01,932
I'm a guy who says "you're
welcome" with his arms.

255
00:09:02,890 --> 00:09:04,152
Yeah.

256
00:09:05,109 --> 00:09:06,415
[grunts]

257
00:09:10,941 --> 00:09:12,160
What are you doing?

258
00:09:12,203 --> 00:09:13,465
Making a birdhouse
for Freddy.

259
00:09:13,509 --> 00:09:14,554
Oh. Why?

260
00:09:14,597 --> 00:09:15,642
He's into birdwatching.

261
00:09:15,685 --> 00:09:17,252
Just trying to do a nice thing.

262
00:09:17,295 --> 00:09:19,341
Huh. You feel guilty.

263
00:09:19,384 --> 00:09:21,778
What, a man can't make
another man a birdhouse?

264
00:09:22,910 --> 00:09:25,434
You and Vanessa made
one mistake.

265
00:09:27,131 --> 00:09:28,829
We made a couple of mistakes.

266
00:09:28,872 --> 00:09:30,918
And we're gonna make
another one tomorrow.

267
00:09:30,961 --> 00:09:32,180
Seriously, Riley?

268
00:09:32,223 --> 00:09:34,356
I know!Guilt is your heart

269
00:09:34,399 --> 00:09:36,619
and your brain
rejecting bad behavior.

270
00:09:36,663 --> 00:09:38,229
Trust me, I know.
I'm the king of guilt.

271
00:09:39,230 --> 00:09:40,928
What do you have to
feel guilty about?

272
00:09:40,971 --> 00:09:42,756
Disappointing my mother.

273
00:09:42,799 --> 00:09:44,627
But there is an answer
for both of us.

274
00:09:44,671 --> 00:09:46,934
You stop sleeping with Vanessa,

275
00:09:46,977 --> 00:09:48,979
and I will marry Nasim.

276
00:09:49,023 --> 00:09:51,329
Who the hell is Nasim?

277
00:09:52,330 --> 00:09:54,855
She is the woman my mother
has decided I will marry.

278
00:09:54,898 --> 00:09:56,857
Do your girlfriends
know about this?

279
00:09:56,900 --> 00:09:58,641
I have to let them go.

280
00:09:58,685 --> 00:10:00,687
I have to let everything go.

281
00:10:00,730 --> 00:10:03,515
I had my fun.
Going on six dates.

282
00:10:03,559 --> 00:10:04,778
Three at night.

283
00:10:05,779 --> 00:10:07,955
And those memories
will comfort me in a way

284
00:10:07,998 --> 00:10:10,914
my wife will never be able to.

285
00:10:10,958 --> 00:10:12,742
I really don't want to stop
sleeping with Vanessa.

286
00:10:12,786 --> 00:10:14,570
I really don't want to marry
the neighborhood bully.

287
00:10:15,310 --> 00:10:17,399
I like your problem
better than mine.

288
00:10:27,365 --> 00:10:30,151
Would you think I'm weird if I
got chocolate cake as my entrée?

289
00:10:30,194 --> 00:10:33,415
No. You should eat
whatever you want.

290
00:10:33,458 --> 00:10:36,113
It's nice you have the
freedom to choose like that.

291
00:10:36,157 --> 00:10:37,375
It's just cake, Al.

292
00:10:37,419 --> 00:10:38,681
We can share.

293
00:10:38,725 --> 00:10:40,944
I wish we could.

294
00:10:40,988 --> 00:10:42,293
Something wrong?

295
00:10:42,337 --> 00:10:44,469
Ariana jaan,I
brought you here

296
00:10:44,513 --> 00:10:46,515
because this is where you
first fell in love with me,

297
00:10:46,558 --> 00:10:49,692
and this is where you must
fall out of love with me.

298
00:10:49,736 --> 00:10:51,302
Since when am I
in love with you?

299
00:10:51,346 --> 00:10:53,609
Ah. Thank you for making
this so easy for me.

300
00:10:54,610 --> 00:10:57,004
Wait, are you
breaking up with me?

301
00:10:57,047 --> 00:10:59,006
I am afraid so.

302
00:10:59,049 --> 00:11:01,922
My mother has decided that I
must marry a girl back home.

303
00:11:02,879 --> 00:11:04,707
What happened?

304
00:11:04,751 --> 00:11:07,014
Another woman I am dating
posted a picture of us together

305
00:11:07,057 --> 00:11:08,015
on Instagram.

306
00:11:08,058 --> 00:11:10,147
[laughs]:
Oh, Al.

307
00:11:10,191 --> 00:11:11,583
If you're gonna date
a white girl,

308
00:11:11,627 --> 00:11:13,716
you have to tell them
not to do that up front.

309
00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:15,631
I should have known. She was
constantly posting pictures

310
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,415
of what she ate. Eh.

311
00:11:17,459 --> 00:11:20,418
In college, my girlfriend posted
a picture of us at a frat party.

312
00:11:20,462 --> 00:11:22,072
I didn't know my aunt
was on Facebook.

313
00:11:22,116 --> 00:11:24,074
My dad drove
to campus that night

314
00:11:24,118 --> 00:11:25,554
and tried to make me
move back home.

315
00:11:25,597 --> 00:11:26,555
Ah. What happened?

316
00:11:26,598 --> 00:11:27,861
I said
I wasn't going home.

317
00:11:27,904 --> 00:11:28,992
He said I was cut off.

318
00:11:29,036 --> 00:11:30,167
We didn't talk for a week.

319
00:11:30,211 --> 00:11:31,342
And then I got lucky.

320
00:11:31,386 --> 00:11:33,388
My cousin pierced
her belly button

321
00:11:33,431 --> 00:11:35,607
and the news cycle
had moved on.

322
00:11:35,651 --> 00:11:38,088
Oh, that is lucky.

323
00:11:38,132 --> 00:11:39,655
I wonder if I could
get my cousin Zubair

324
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:41,091
to get a face tattoo.

325
00:11:41,135 --> 00:11:42,310
[chuckles]Hmm.

326
00:11:42,353 --> 00:11:44,704
I'd really hate
to lose you.

327
00:11:48,446 --> 00:11:51,058
What if you didn't
have to lose me?

328
00:11:52,059 --> 00:11:53,364
How would that work?

329
00:11:53,408 --> 00:11:54,975
I tell my mother

330
00:11:55,018 --> 00:11:57,238
that there is a beautiful
Afghan American woman

331
00:11:57,281 --> 00:11:59,544
with a face like the
moon on the 14th day

332
00:11:59,588 --> 00:12:00,894
who comes from an
excellent family,

333
00:12:00,937 --> 00:12:02,286
who can't bear
to live without me

334
00:12:02,330 --> 00:12:04,245
and she's already
shaking her head.

335
00:12:04,288 --> 00:12:05,594
That is not an option.

336
00:12:05,637 --> 00:12:07,204
Aw, come on.
Nasim is the worst.

337
00:12:07,248 --> 00:12:08,945
She used to sit on me
until I couldn't breathe.

338
00:12:08,989 --> 00:12:11,774
I understand
the pressure you're under,

339
00:12:11,818 --> 00:12:14,211
but you're a grown man
living halfway across the world

340
00:12:14,255 --> 00:12:15,256
from his family.

341
00:12:15,299 --> 00:12:17,911
You can chart
your own path.

342
00:12:17,954 --> 00:12:19,651
Our path?Stop it.

343
00:12:21,044 --> 00:12:23,481
It took my father a while
to understand

344
00:12:23,525 --> 00:12:25,788
why I was making
certain choices,

345
00:12:25,832 --> 00:12:28,269
but he came around
eventually.

346
00:12:28,312 --> 00:12:31,881
Maybe your mother will, too.

347
00:12:33,578 --> 00:12:36,190
With your beautiful eyes
and my beautiful nose,

348
00:12:36,233 --> 00:12:38,453
our children could
be movie stars.

349
00:12:38,496 --> 00:12:39,497
But we won't let them.

350
00:12:39,541 --> 00:12:41,456
They'll be doctors.

351
00:12:41,499 --> 00:12:42,892
No.

352
00:12:42,936 --> 00:12:45,721
Let's get you that cake
and then we'll talk.

353
00:12:48,158 --> 00:12:49,507
[moans softly]

354
00:12:49,551 --> 00:12:51,074
I've been waiting
for this all day.

355
00:12:51,118 --> 00:12:53,816
[giggles]Yeah. Me, too.

356
00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:55,122
Mmm.

357
00:12:55,165 --> 00:12:57,951
But, um, maybe we
don't go right to it.

358
00:12:57,994 --> 00:12:58,952
Why?

359
00:12:58,995 --> 00:13:01,476
I was thinking we could...

360
00:13:01,519 --> 00:13:03,173
cuddle a little.

361
00:13:03,217 --> 00:13:06,002
Watch TV.

362
00:13:06,046 --> 00:13:09,092
I did not get waxed to watch TV.

363
00:13:12,356 --> 00:13:14,358
I'm-I'm so sorry.

364
00:13:14,402 --> 00:13:15,751
I-I need to slow down.

365
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:17,535
Um, I just--
I got a lot of stuff

366
00:13:17,579 --> 00:13:19,015
bouncing around in my head.

367
00:13:19,059 --> 00:13:20,321
Well, let me help you relax.

368
00:13:20,364 --> 00:13:21,888
Yeah.

369
00:13:22,976 --> 00:13:24,804
[whimpers]

370
00:13:24,847 --> 00:13:26,718
Do you feel guilty about this?

371
00:13:26,762 --> 00:13:29,678
Stop it.Yeah, okay, okay.

372
00:13:29,721 --> 00:13:30,940
[moans]

373
00:13:30,984 --> 00:13:32,768
It's just...

374
00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:34,204
I talked to Freddy.

375
00:13:35,205 --> 00:13:36,163
What did you say?

376
00:13:36,206 --> 00:13:38,078
I didn't tell him about us.

377
00:13:38,121 --> 00:13:40,515
We talked about me, mostly.

378
00:13:41,472 --> 00:13:43,083
He's kind of insightful.

379
00:13:44,084 --> 00:13:45,172
Okay, but he doesn't know?

380
00:13:45,215 --> 00:13:46,913
No.'Kay.

381
00:13:47,914 --> 00:13:48,915
[moans softly]

382
00:13:50,742 --> 00:13:52,266
[whimpers]

383
00:13:53,963 --> 00:13:56,226
I made him a birdhouse.

384
00:13:57,532 --> 00:14:00,622
Please do anything with
your mouth but talk.

385
00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:04,844
Sorry for trying
to tell you how I feel.

386
00:14:04,887 --> 00:14:07,063
Riley.

387
00:14:07,107 --> 00:14:08,369
Focus.

388
00:14:09,500 --> 00:14:10,458
You're right. I'm sorry.

389
00:14:10,501 --> 00:14:12,112
[grunts][giggles]

390
00:14:13,678 --> 00:14:14,854
[phone chimes]

391
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:17,421
[groans]

392
00:14:17,465 --> 00:14:19,684
My mother wants to talk to me
about the wedding.

393
00:14:19,728 --> 00:14:21,556
How's this even gonna happen
when you're here

394
00:14:21,599 --> 00:14:23,297
and Nasim's in Afghanistan?

395
00:14:23,340 --> 00:14:24,951
I will not be at the wedding.

396
00:14:24,994 --> 00:14:27,431
The tradition is they will use
a sword to represent me.

397
00:14:27,475 --> 00:14:29,042
A sword?Yes.

398
00:14:29,085 --> 00:14:31,131
It is a symbol of masculinity.

399
00:14:31,174 --> 00:14:33,046
A little on the nose, but okay.

400
00:14:34,047 --> 00:14:36,658
Does your mother know
how unhappy this is making you?

401
00:14:36,701 --> 00:14:37,702
It doesn't matter.

402
00:14:37,746 --> 00:14:39,922
She thinks I am on a sinful path

403
00:14:39,966 --> 00:14:42,925
and marriage is the only way she
knows to turn my life around.

404
00:14:42,969 --> 00:14:44,927
How are you on a sinful path?

405
00:14:44,971 --> 00:14:47,799
You cover your eyes
at shampoo commercials.

406
00:14:47,843 --> 00:14:50,063
I've already broken
my mother's heart.

407
00:14:50,106 --> 00:14:51,891
I can't do it a second time.

408
00:14:51,934 --> 00:14:53,631
Now, excuse me.

409
00:14:53,675 --> 00:14:56,112
I need to go pick out what kind
of sword I'm going to be.

410
00:14:58,332 --> 00:15:00,856
Uh, you know my friend,
Dave Flanagan?

411
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,075
Yeah. What about him?

412
00:15:02,118 --> 00:15:04,077
He's got this son,
uh, Toby.

413
00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:06,688
Now, not the tallest guy
in the world, but...

414
00:15:06,731 --> 00:15:08,255
Stop.

415
00:15:08,298 --> 00:15:09,256
It's a very nice family.

416
00:15:09,299 --> 00:15:10,344
Stop!

417
00:15:12,781 --> 00:15:14,826
[speaking Pashto]

418
00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:19,396
[Gul Bashra speaking Pashto]

419
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:21,050
[sighs]Hey, you two!

420
00:15:21,094 --> 00:15:22,269
What's going on?

421
00:15:23,270 --> 00:15:25,663
Mother, Mr. Art is here.

422
00:15:25,707 --> 00:15:27,622
ART:
Hi!

423
00:15:27,665 --> 00:15:29,145
Nice to see you!

424
00:15:29,189 --> 00:15:31,713
I think you have
a good kid here!

425
00:15:31,756 --> 00:15:33,454
No good kid. Bad kid.

426
00:15:33,497 --> 00:15:35,021
Bad kid!

427
00:15:35,064 --> 00:15:37,110
[speaking Pashto]

428
00:15:38,372 --> 00:15:40,069
She is so embarrassed

429
00:15:40,113 --> 00:15:42,376
she let such a bad influence
into your home.

430
00:15:42,419 --> 00:15:44,247
She would like to slap me
through the Internet.

431
00:15:44,291 --> 00:15:45,683
But since she can't,

432
00:15:45,727 --> 00:15:47,511
she is wondering
if you would please do it.

433
00:15:47,555 --> 00:15:49,122
Slide over.

434
00:15:50,688 --> 00:15:52,342
[grunts]

435
00:15:59,523 --> 00:16:01,743
Being a parent's
the toughest job.

436
00:16:01,786 --> 00:16:02,744
My son

437
00:16:02,787 --> 00:16:04,050
far from me.

438
00:16:04,093 --> 00:16:05,442
I not help.

439
00:16:05,486 --> 00:16:08,532
Well, my son spent some time
far away from me

440
00:16:08,576 --> 00:16:10,099
in your country,

441
00:16:10,143 --> 00:16:14,016
so I know
about feeling helpless.

442
00:16:14,060 --> 00:16:15,104
[translating]

443
00:16:17,585 --> 00:16:20,283
Let me tell you something
about this kid.

444
00:16:20,327 --> 00:16:22,024
You taught him well.

445
00:16:22,068 --> 00:16:24,984
He's honest and kind.

446
00:16:26,115 --> 00:16:29,162
Everyone in this house
is better because of him.

447
00:16:29,205 --> 00:16:31,947
You should be so proud.

448
00:16:36,125 --> 00:16:37,866
What are you staring at?
Tell her.

449
00:16:40,434 --> 00:16:42,479
[translating]

450
00:16:50,444 --> 00:16:53,055
I know it's none
of my business,

451
00:16:53,099 --> 00:16:54,317
but he doesn't need
to get married

452
00:16:54,361 --> 00:16:56,058
to stay on the straight
and narrow.

453
00:16:56,102 --> 00:16:57,233
He's on it.

454
00:16:57,277 --> 00:16:58,713
And if he ever messes up,

455
00:16:58,756 --> 00:17:00,193
I'll straighten him out.

456
00:17:00,236 --> 00:17:02,064
I promise.

457
00:17:02,108 --> 00:17:04,153
[translating]

458
00:17:17,819 --> 00:17:20,256
Thank you, Riley father.

459
00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:22,998
You're welcome, Al's mom.

460
00:17:35,445 --> 00:17:37,621
Wow. I had no idea
you could do this.

461
00:17:37,665 --> 00:17:39,101
[chuckles] I'm
glad you like it.

462
00:17:39,145 --> 00:17:41,364
There are so many things
I don't know about you.

463
00:17:41,408 --> 00:17:42,974
Uh, not a lot to know.

464
00:17:43,018 --> 00:17:44,628
I'm an open book.

465
00:17:44,672 --> 00:17:47,414
Well, that's a book I'd like
to take out of the library.

466
00:17:47,457 --> 00:17:48,893
Maybe never bring it back.

467
00:17:51,722 --> 00:17:53,463
Cool.

468
00:17:53,507 --> 00:17:56,031
Well, thanks again
for this birdhouse.

469
00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:59,861
Sure. Yeah, I hope it attracts
many birds that you...

470
00:17:59,904 --> 00:18:01,515
enjoy looking at.

471
00:18:01,558 --> 00:18:02,690
Speaking of which,

472
00:18:02,733 --> 00:18:05,171
you know what
my favorite bird is?

473
00:18:05,214 --> 00:18:07,129
The owl.

474
00:18:07,173 --> 00:18:09,523
'Cause they see everything.

475
00:18:13,048 --> 00:18:15,616
When I was a kid,
we had a barn owl.

476
00:18:15,659 --> 00:18:17,357
Used to eat rats.

477
00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:19,402
They never saw him coming.

478
00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:22,318
Boy, I love this thing.

479
00:18:23,319 --> 00:18:25,365
Someday I'll give you a gift.

480
00:18:31,806 --> 00:18:34,765
Captioning sponsored by
CBS

481
00:18:37,812 --> 00:18:40,815
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
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