Previously onUnited States of Al...We are such idiots.
Hey, it's gonna be okay.
Hazel can never find out about this.
You and I are not gonna tell anybody.
Not Freddy?FREDDY: Just because
I sleep in your old bed with your ex-wife
doesn't mean that you can't call me up in the middle of the night
and say "Freddy, let's go take a walk."
Do you feel guilty about this?
VANESSA: Riley.
Focus.
You're right. I'm sorry.
[grunts][giggles]
RILEY: This player
is making out with a girl
he just met.
Is he a virgin?Oh, yeah.
Oh, no...
Mr. Art,
when you were a handsome young man
with long hair and skinny jeans
and you were about to get intimate with women,
who taught you how?
A stack of magazines I found in my dad's underwear drawer.
[chuckles]Oh.
Why do you ask?
Cindy has invited me for dinner tomorrow,
and, um...
I think I'm ready to take our relationship to the next level.
Oh, Al!
My baby bird is jumping out of the nest!
Ah.What do you need to know?
Ask me anything.
Well, I'm-I'm asking your father.
Why not me?Hey,
when he needs advice on sit-ups, he'll ask you.
Yeah.
The most important thing is
not to be too drunk.Mm.
Which has no bearing on you, but it is the most important thing.
Eat a banana on the way there. You don't want to cramp up.
And if you feel like you're having a heart attack...
[clicks tongue] ...play through.
'Cause what a way to go, right?
And, no matter what happens,
it... gets better.
Isn't it always great? Well, you'd think that.
It's like pancakes.
The first pancake on the griddle never turns out real good.
Mm. But it's still a pancake, so it's tasty.
Oh, yeah. [chuckles] You're glad you had it.
It just-- You might like the next one more.
You think I'm gonna be disappointed?
Oh, you,
uh, someone other than you.
Once you get started, anything can happen.
Are you saying I'm gonna be bad at sex?
I'm saying you're gonna get better and better.
RILEY: Yeah, it's only
your first bite of the apple.
Why do you keep talking about food?
Well, he just means, your first time,
you might be more of a sprinter than a long-distance runner.
No judgment. You can end up on a Wheaties box for doing both.
And they're both fun.
Very fun.
I-I don't want to be a sprinter.
Well, you might not be.
But you might be.Which is fine.
Mm-hmm.
Listen to the elder.
He knows.
Knows what? Sex is pancakes and apples?
If you're lucky. [chuckles]
♪
♪ Oh!
You know, if we bump this up to three times a week,
I can quit the gym.
[chuckles] If I'm gonna keep up with you,
I may have to join a gym.
[chuckles]
How do you keep getting out of work in the middle of the day?
I mix up the excuses.
Last week, I was at traffic court.
Mm-hmm.Today, I'm at the dentist.
Which I can sell, 'cause my jaw is a little sore.
[chuckles]
You know, this reminds me of when we were 19
and you used to sneak me into the barracks at Camp Pendleton.
Do you remember the night they did the bed check?[chuckling]
I still can't believe you fit in my foot locker.
[chuckles]
I should get going.
What time is Hazel's science fair thing tonight?
Um, it's at 6:00.
And then I promised to take her to get pizza after.
But you don't know that
because you didn't see me today.
Ooh. Smart, beautiful and fits into small spaces.
You're the total package.
[chuckles]
Hold on.
Gimme something.
[chuckles]
Thanks.
Hello! $20 on pump three.
Oh.
And this banana.
"Last All Nite Lady Pleaser."
Do you recommend this product?
Sure.
You don't seem very excited about it.
Does it in fact last all night
and please ladies?
Sure.
Oh. Hey.
I think this would be a very nice gift for my uncle.
I have three uncles.
Dad, what are you doing?
Science fair. We're late.
Oh, shoot. I'm sorry, baby.
I have to do my presentation before Sanjay.
He built a laser. I'm just dropping crap in a fish tank.
[chuckles] All right, hang on.
I'd say "good luck," but... what do you care?
You get me.
Come on. Let's go.
Dad, am I wearing
one of your socks?
With a gold toe? Ha!
Who am I, Elton John?
Dad.Yeah.
Uh, go wait in the truck.
Fine. But if you're not out in three minutes,
I'm leaving.
This is not my sock.
Should we call the police?
Oh, God,
this is not my sock.
[breathing heavily]
[mutes TV]
[phone rings]
Hello.Hey, uh, where are you?
I'm at the school. Some kid just burned a hole into a brick
with a laser.
Terrific. Does Freddy wear gold-toe socks?
I think so. Why?
I put on one of his, which means I must've left one of mine
in the bedroom.What?
You didn't pick it up, by chance, did you?No.
Okay, I'm gonna take care of it. Uh, got to go.
Uh, hey, guys, um, I, uh...
F-- and Freddy and Vanessa are gonna be
at the science fair until 8:00-ish.
Um, before then, I need someone to go to Vanessa's house
and look in the bedroom for a sock that looks...
just like this one.
In her bedroom?
Yeah, or the couch.
Or the...
island in the kitchen. [chuckles nervously]
Judas Priest!
Are you sleeping with Vanessa?
[stammers] I don't have time for this!
You just got divorced!
Judas Priest!
Please just find it!
Ah!
I can't believe those two.
I just hope they're not using protection.
Dad.What? I want more grandkids.
Cindy, this is delicious.
Oh. Can I get you some more?
No, no. I don't want to fill up,
in case I need to be nimble.
Nimble?You know,
ready for anything.
You zig, I zag.
Oh.
I like the sound of that.
[both chuckling]
[chuckles softly]
Would you mind if I used your washroom?
Sure.
Oh, I'm dyeing a shirt in the bathtub--
it's not a crime scene.
[phone rings]
Gas-n-go.
Yes. Hi. I was in earlier.
I bought a banana and three Last All Nite Lady Pleasers.
For my uncles.
One of my uncles is wondering
how many of these pills he should take,
and my other uncle said,
"Why don't you call the nice man at the gas station?"
What's it say on the bag?
Uh, "Take as needed."
Then there's a picture of what I think is a jackhammer.
There you go.
[line clicks off]
Great. Thanks for everything.
[sighs] Mm...
Ooh.
[exhales]
[clicks tongue]
[toilet flushing]
Ugh, this has more of a crime-y vibe than I'm comfortable with.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Careful!
I gave 'em that for their anniversary.
This is so wrong.
[doorbell rings][gasps]
[exhales]
Sorry.
Bedroom.
[sighs]
So, so wrong.
I'll check the drawers.
You check under the bed.
Sounds like you've done this before.
No comment.
I can't believe I'm looking for my brother's sex sock.
Good ole Riley--
gettin' the job done.
Ew, are you proud of him?
Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?
He's getting his marriage back on track.
[chuckles]:Hold on.
You think this is a love story?
What, you don't?
Vanessa and Riley are high school sweethearts.
Sure, they had their ups and downs,
but, clearly, they can't quit each other.
They make each other miserable.
Like lovers do.
We've seen this movie already.
It didn't end well.
Or it wasn't over.
[sighs] Just please promise me
you won't get your hopes up too high.
Are yougonna give me grandbabies?
Let's find that sex sock.
Now you're talkin'.
[indistinct chatter]
So now your dad and sister know?
I didn't have time to get it myself.
Where is it?
I don't know. Probably in the...
bed somewhere.[sighs]
You think he saw it?
No.
Maybe we're making too big a deal of this.
I mean, if Freddy did find a man's sock in the bed,
would he really be suspicious?
He sleeps naked.
Didn't want to know.
Didn't want to say.
Hey, babe.
A bee!
[stomach gurgling]
Was that you?
Oh, you heard that?
I hope dinner is sitting okay.Oh!
Dinner was wonderful.
[stomach gurgling]
That was my stomach saying thank you.
[gasps] Oh, you're burning up.
[stammers] That is my forehead saying I want you.
Oh, and, Al, your heart is racing.
Uh, okay, that-that?
I don't know. I'm worried about that.
Are you on drugs? It's okay if you are.
I just want to know where the evening is headed.
I took a vitamin. I mu-- I must be having a bad reaction.
What kind of a vitamin?[shuddering]
The kind that gives a man energy.
Al.
[stomach gurgling]
"Last All Nite Lady Pleaser."
Aw, for me?
We all know that metal sinks,
but sometimes boats are made of metal,
so what's up with that?
The answer to this riddle is density.
No, it's water displacement.
Hey, that's your science.
This is my science.
First, measure the mass of the object...
Any word?No.
Tell 'em to look harder.
You can't look harder. There's looking and not looking.
There's no extra looking.
How do you put on two different socks? Are you blind?
I was gonna leave 'em on, but you said it looks dorky.
Where were you?
Bathroom.
You forget, but the urinals are so low here.
Had to wipe off my shoes.Mm.
[stammers] Wh-Who are you calling?
Poison control. I have to see if I need to make you throw up.
Oh, hi. Yes, my date Al...[gasps]
Don't tell them my name.
My date Alonzo...
took a pill
called Last All Nite Lady Pleaser.
[groans loudly]
Oh, yes, the ingredients are
caffeine, gingko biloba,
wood pulp, horny goat weed...
Oh, just let me die.
Okay.
Okay. Good news--
I don't have to make you throw up.
But you might anyway.
Oh, hey,
would it help if I milked his prostate?
Okay, but would it hurt?
All right, well, thank you.
You've been very helpful.
Okay. So we don't have to go to the hospital
unless you have a seizure or your eyes start to bleed.
Wait here, I'm gonna get you a Gatorade.
[sighs]
I'm the bad pancake.
Ooh!Anything?
Yeah! A sweater I loaned her two years ago.
Hey, what's this?
What?
It's their divorce papers.
She sent those in weeks ago.
Doesn't look like it.
These are original.
Why wouldn't she have sent them in?
Because I was right.
She's still hot for him.
Or she didn't have any stamps.
No, this proves that she doesn't want to be divorced.
This doesn't prove anything.
It doesn't matter. We came here to find a sock.
Let's find a sock.
We've looked everywhere.
It's hopeless.
Oh, there it is.
Great. Let's make this bed and skedaddle.
"Skedaddle"? Who are you?
I am so sorry.
I wanted to be the best man you've ever been with,
and I ruined it.
No, you didn't.
Just maybe, next time, don't buy boner pills at a gas station.
That salesman misled me.
I get that you were nervous about tonight.
Just so you know, I was, too.
Why? It wasn't gonna be your first time.
With you it was.
Yeah, but you've been with, like... [stammers]
I don't know, five or six people?
Yes.
And I've never done it.
And the only people I've even talked to about it
are my cousin Zubair, who probably also...
has never done it, and a whole bunch of Marines
who even I could tell were lying.
I can't believe I'm-I'm saying any of this t-to you.
I'm just making it worse.No, you're telling me how you're feeling.
That's, like, unheard of with most guys.
Really?
Really.
And honesty is sexy.
Here's some honesty--
I am so afraid I'm going to disappoint you.
How sexy is that?
I think it's sweet you care so much.
Great.
Look, don't think of it like a show you're putting on.
Think of it as a...
a conversation we're having together.
A naked conversation?
Well, now you're talkin'.
Is that good?
Oh, yeah. It's very good.
And you'll keep telling me what you like?
Trust me, you'll know.
The neighbors will know.
They found the sock.
Oh, thank God.
They also found our divorce papers that you never sent in.
Oh.
Where was the sock?
Why didn't you send them?
I don't know. I got busy.
Too busy to go to a mailbox?
Maybe I had this dumb idea that, if we were still married,
it wasn't cheating.
Because you can't have an affair with your husband?
Can we not talk about this here?
I'm not judging. I think it's smart.
[sighs]
[exhales] So are you gonna send the papers in?
Can you give me some space?
Why?
Because.
Because I haven't had a single moment to think about myself
since you got back from Afghanistan.
You needed help.
You were a little bit scary,
and I had a kid to take care of.
And then you cheated on me, you split
and I still had a kid to take care of.
And a new boyfriend.Yeah.
Who was always nice to me and who I could count on.
Then why are you cheating on him?
I don't know.I think you do.
I think you're trying to blow up your life
so you don't have to make a decision.
[exhales]
You would know a lot about that.
Riley, they left the gym open.
Come on.
Riley.
Yeah. What?
I found another thing I'm good at.
No way.
Any problems?
Well...
the neighbor banged on the wall a bit.
[exhales] You stud.
I really am.
So when are you gonna see her again?
Ah, the question is,
when will I see youagain?
I just came for some clothes and my toothbrush.
And a banana.
Remember to pace yourself.
I will.
And drink lots of water.
Copy that.Hey, Al.
It's been an honor serving with you.
And with you, sir.