1 00:00:01,784 --> 00:00:04,178 Previously onUnited States of Al...We are such idiots. 2 00:00:04,221 --> 00:00:05,527 Hey, it's gonna be okay. 3 00:00:05,570 --> 00:00:07,572 Hazel can never find out about this. 4 00:00:07,616 --> 00:00:09,574 You and I are not gonna tell anybody. 5 00:00:09,618 --> 00:00:11,054 Not Freddy?FREDDY: Just because 6 00:00:11,098 --> 00:00:12,751 I sleep in your old bed with your ex-wife 7 00:00:12,795 --> 00:00:14,797 doesn't mean that you can't call me up in the middle of the night 8 00:00:14,840 --> 00:00:18,018 and say "Freddy, let's go take a walk." 9 00:00:19,149 --> 00:00:20,324 Do you feel guilty about this? 10 00:00:20,368 --> 00:00:21,325 VANESSA: Riley. 11 00:00:21,369 --> 00:00:23,414 Focus. 12 00:00:23,458 --> 00:00:24,676 You're right. I'm sorry. 13 00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:25,764 [grunts][giggles] 14 00:00:25,808 --> 00:00:27,201 RILEY: This player 15 00:00:27,244 --> 00:00:28,854 is making out with a girl 16 00:00:28,898 --> 00:00:30,073 he just met. 17 00:00:30,117 --> 00:00:31,683 Is he a virgin?Oh, yeah. 18 00:00:31,727 --> 00:00:34,295 Oh, no... 19 00:00:37,167 --> 00:00:38,908 Mr. Art, 20 00:00:38,951 --> 00:00:40,605 when you were a handsome young man 21 00:00:40,649 --> 00:00:42,259 with long hair and skinny jeans 22 00:00:42,303 --> 00:00:45,349 and you were about to get intimate with women, 23 00:00:45,393 --> 00:00:47,221 who taught you how? 24 00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:49,832 A stack of magazines I found in my dad's underwear drawer. 25 00:00:49,875 --> 00:00:50,833 [chuckles]Oh. 26 00:00:50,876 --> 00:00:52,052 Why do you ask? 27 00:00:52,095 --> 00:00:54,097 Cindy has invited me for dinner tomorrow, 28 00:00:54,141 --> 00:00:55,794 and, um... 29 00:00:55,838 --> 00:00:58,884 I think I'm ready to take our relationship to the next level. 30 00:00:59,668 --> 00:01:01,104 Oh, Al! 31 00:01:01,148 --> 00:01:03,237 My baby bird is jumping out of the nest! 32 00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:04,934 Ah.What do you need to know? 33 00:01:04,977 --> 00:01:05,891 Ask me anything. 34 00:01:05,935 --> 00:01:07,241 Well, I'm-I'm asking your father. 35 00:01:07,284 --> 00:01:08,590 Why not me?Hey, 36 00:01:08,633 --> 00:01:10,157 when he needs advice on sit-ups, he'll ask you. 37 00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:11,158 Yeah. 38 00:01:11,201 --> 00:01:13,116 The most important thing is 39 00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:15,249 not to be too drunk.Mm. 40 00:01:15,292 --> 00:01:18,991 Which has no bearing on you, but it is the most important thing. 41 00:01:19,035 --> 00:01:20,776 Eat a banana on the way there. You don't want to cramp up. 42 00:01:20,819 --> 00:01:22,560 And if you feel like you're having a heart attack... 43 00:01:22,604 --> 00:01:23,779 [clicks tongue] ...play through. 44 00:01:23,822 --> 00:01:25,607 'Cause what a way to go, right? 45 00:01:26,477 --> 00:01:29,045 And, no matter what happens, 46 00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:31,003 it... gets better. 47 00:01:31,047 --> 00:01:33,789 Isn't it always great? Well, you'd think that. 48 00:01:33,832 --> 00:01:35,312 It's like pancakes. 49 00:01:35,356 --> 00:01:38,098 The first pancake on the griddle never turns out real good. 50 00:01:38,141 --> 00:01:40,230 Mm. But it's still a pancake, so it's tasty. 51 00:01:40,274 --> 00:01:42,580 Oh, yeah. [chuckles] You're glad you had it. 52 00:01:42,624 --> 00:01:45,017 It just-- You might like the next one more. 53 00:01:45,061 --> 00:01:47,019 You think I'm gonna be disappointed? 54 00:01:47,063 --> 00:01:47,890 Oh, you, 55 00:01:47,933 --> 00:01:50,284 uh, someone other than you. 56 00:01:51,198 --> 00:01:53,200 Once you get started, anything can happen. 57 00:01:53,243 --> 00:01:55,027 Are you saying I'm gonna be bad at sex? 58 00:01:55,071 --> 00:01:57,247 I'm saying you're gonna get better and better. 59 00:01:57,291 --> 00:01:58,292 RILEY: Yeah, it's only 60 00:01:58,335 --> 00:02:00,163 your first bite of the apple. 61 00:02:00,207 --> 00:02:01,599 Why do you keep talking about food? 62 00:02:01,643 --> 00:02:03,775 Well, he just means, your first time, 63 00:02:03,819 --> 00:02:06,561 you might be more of a sprinter than a long-distance runner. 64 00:02:06,604 --> 00:02:10,434 No judgment. You can end up on a Wheaties box for doing both. 65 00:02:10,478 --> 00:02:11,435 And they're both fun. 66 00:02:11,479 --> 00:02:12,828 Very fun. 67 00:02:12,871 --> 00:02:13,829 I-I don't want to be a sprinter. 68 00:02:13,872 --> 00:02:15,004 Well, you might not be. 69 00:02:15,047 --> 00:02:16,136 But you might be.Which is fine. 70 00:02:16,179 --> 00:02:17,137 Mm-hmm. 71 00:02:18,399 --> 00:02:19,400 Listen to the elder. 72 00:02:19,443 --> 00:02:20,792 He knows. 73 00:02:20,836 --> 00:02:22,925 Knows what? Sex is pancakes and apples? 74 00:02:22,968 --> 00:02:25,188 If you're lucky. [chuckles] 75 00:02:26,407 --> 00:02:27,451 ♪ 76 00:02:27,495 --> 00:02:28,974 ♪ Oh! 77 00:02:40,899 --> 00:02:44,425 You know, if we bump this up to three times a week, 78 00:02:44,468 --> 00:02:45,817 I can quit the gym. 79 00:02:45,861 --> 00:02:47,471 [chuckles] If I'm gonna keep up with you, 80 00:02:47,515 --> 00:02:49,125 I may have to join a gym. 81 00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:50,692 [chuckles] 82 00:02:50,735 --> 00:02:52,955 How do you keep getting out of work in the middle of the day? 83 00:02:52,998 --> 00:02:55,087 I mix up the excuses. 84 00:02:55,131 --> 00:02:56,959 Last week, I was at traffic court. 85 00:02:57,002 --> 00:02:59,004 Mm-hmm.Today, I'm at the dentist. 86 00:02:59,048 --> 00:03:01,964 Which I can sell, 'cause my jaw is a little sore. 87 00:03:02,704 --> 00:03:04,575 [chuckles] 88 00:03:04,619 --> 00:03:07,926 You know, this reminds me of when we were 19 89 00:03:07,970 --> 00:03:10,625 and you used to sneak me into the barracks at Camp Pendleton. 90 00:03:10,668 --> 00:03:13,845 Do you remember the night they did the bed check?[chuckling] 91 00:03:13,889 --> 00:03:16,283 I still can't believe you fit in my foot locker. 92 00:03:16,326 --> 00:03:17,893 [chuckles] 93 00:03:20,896 --> 00:03:22,724 I should get going. 94 00:03:24,073 --> 00:03:27,119 What time is Hazel's science fair thing tonight? 95 00:03:27,163 --> 00:03:29,905 Um, it's at 6:00. 96 00:03:29,948 --> 00:03:32,342 And then I promised to take her to get pizza after. 97 00:03:32,386 --> 00:03:34,605 But you don't know that 98 00:03:34,649 --> 00:03:36,172 because you didn't see me today. 99 00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:39,784 Ooh. Smart, beautiful and fits into small spaces. 100 00:03:39,828 --> 00:03:41,351 You're the total package. 101 00:03:41,395 --> 00:03:43,223 [chuckles] 102 00:03:43,266 --> 00:03:44,224 Hold on. 103 00:03:44,267 --> 00:03:46,530 Gimme something. 104 00:03:48,010 --> 00:03:49,533 [chuckles] 105 00:03:49,577 --> 00:03:51,535 Thanks. 106 00:03:56,671 --> 00:03:59,239 Hello! $20 on pump three. 107 00:03:59,282 --> 00:04:00,240 Oh. 108 00:04:00,283 --> 00:04:02,154 And this banana. 109 00:04:05,767 --> 00:04:09,118 "Last All Nite Lady Pleaser." 110 00:04:10,424 --> 00:04:12,556 Do you recommend this product? 111 00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,079 Sure. 112 00:04:14,123 --> 00:04:15,733 You don't seem very excited about it. 113 00:04:15,777 --> 00:04:17,605 Does it in fact last all night 114 00:04:17,648 --> 00:04:20,216 and please ladies? 115 00:04:21,217 --> 00:04:22,436 Sure. 116 00:04:22,479 --> 00:04:24,264 Oh. Hey. 117 00:04:25,395 --> 00:04:28,485 I think this would be a very nice gift for my uncle. 118 00:04:33,316 --> 00:04:35,275 I have three uncles. 119 00:04:36,798 --> 00:04:38,321 Dad, what are you doing? 120 00:04:38,365 --> 00:04:39,496 Science fair. We're late. 121 00:04:39,540 --> 00:04:41,193 Oh, shoot. I'm sorry, baby. 122 00:04:41,237 --> 00:04:43,283 I have to do my presentation before Sanjay. 123 00:04:43,326 --> 00:04:46,416 He built a laser. I'm just dropping crap in a fish tank. 124 00:04:46,460 --> 00:04:48,200 [chuckles] All right, hang on. 125 00:04:48,244 --> 00:04:51,116 I'd say "good luck," but... what do you care? 126 00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:52,640 You get me. 127 00:04:53,641 --> 00:04:55,120 Come on. Let's go. 128 00:04:55,164 --> 00:04:56,774 Dad, am I wearing 129 00:04:56,818 --> 00:04:58,385 one of your socks? 130 00:04:58,428 --> 00:04:59,777 With a gold toe? Ha! 131 00:04:59,821 --> 00:05:01,823 Who am I, Elton John? 132 00:05:02,650 --> 00:05:03,825 Dad.Yeah. 133 00:05:03,868 --> 00:05:05,174 Uh, go wait in the truck. 134 00:05:05,217 --> 00:05:07,350 Fine. But if you're not out in three minutes, 135 00:05:07,394 --> 00:05:08,612 I'm leaving. 136 00:05:10,658 --> 00:05:12,703 This is not my sock. 137 00:05:13,530 --> 00:05:15,880 Should we call the police? 138 00:05:15,924 --> 00:05:16,664 Oh, God, 139 00:05:16,707 --> 00:05:18,361 this is not my sock. 140 00:05:18,405 --> 00:05:19,623 [breathing heavily] 141 00:05:19,667 --> 00:05:21,625 [mutes TV] 142 00:05:22,234 --> 00:05:23,366 [phone rings] 143 00:05:23,410 --> 00:05:25,107 Hello.Hey, uh, where are you? 144 00:05:25,150 --> 00:05:27,631 I'm at the school. Some kid just burned a hole into a brick 145 00:05:27,675 --> 00:05:29,459 with a laser. 146 00:05:29,503 --> 00:05:31,722 Terrific. Does Freddy wear gold-toe socks? 147 00:05:31,766 --> 00:05:33,550 I think so. Why? 148 00:05:34,377 --> 00:05:36,640 I put on one of his, which means I must've left one of mine 149 00:05:36,684 --> 00:05:38,642 in the bedroom.What? 150 00:05:40,383 --> 00:05:42,864 You didn't pick it up, by chance, did you?No. 151 00:05:44,866 --> 00:05:47,216 Okay, I'm gonna take care of it. Uh, got to go. 152 00:05:48,391 --> 00:05:50,915 Uh, hey, guys, um, I, uh... 153 00:05:50,959 --> 00:05:52,917 F-- and Freddy and Vanessa are gonna be 154 00:05:52,961 --> 00:05:54,745 at the science fair until 8:00-ish. 155 00:05:54,789 --> 00:05:58,227 Um, before then, I need someone to go to Vanessa's house 156 00:05:58,270 --> 00:06:01,665 and look in the bedroom for a sock that looks... 157 00:06:01,709 --> 00:06:03,580 just like this one. 158 00:06:04,407 --> 00:06:05,669 In her bedroom? 159 00:06:05,713 --> 00:06:07,105 Yeah, or the couch. 160 00:06:07,149 --> 00:06:08,368 Or the... 161 00:06:08,411 --> 00:06:09,891 island in the kitchen. [chuckles nervously] 162 00:06:11,066 --> 00:06:12,850 Judas Priest! 163 00:06:12,894 --> 00:06:14,112 Are you sleeping with Vanessa? 164 00:06:14,156 --> 00:06:15,679 [stammers] I don't have time for this! 165 00:06:15,723 --> 00:06:18,160 You just got divorced! 166 00:06:18,203 --> 00:06:19,204 Judas Priest! 167 00:06:19,248 --> 00:06:21,206 Please just find it! 168 00:06:21,250 --> 00:06:22,730 Ah! 169 00:06:22,773 --> 00:06:24,688 I can't believe those two. 170 00:06:24,732 --> 00:06:26,821 I just hope they're not using protection. 171 00:06:26,864 --> 00:06:29,606 Dad.What? I want more grandkids. 172 00:06:32,740 --> 00:06:34,829 Cindy, this is delicious. 173 00:06:34,872 --> 00:06:36,439 Oh. Can I get you some more? 174 00:06:36,483 --> 00:06:38,615 No, no. I don't want to fill up, 175 00:06:38,659 --> 00:06:40,617 in case I need to be nimble. 176 00:06:40,661 --> 00:06:42,619 Nimble?You know, 177 00:06:42,663 --> 00:06:44,055 ready for anything. 178 00:06:44,099 --> 00:06:46,057 You zig, I zag. 179 00:06:46,101 --> 00:06:47,232 Oh. 180 00:06:47,276 --> 00:06:48,408 I like the sound of that. 181 00:06:48,451 --> 00:06:49,670 [both chuckling] 182 00:06:53,630 --> 00:06:55,589 [chuckles softly] 183 00:06:56,677 --> 00:06:58,418 Would you mind if I used your washroom? 184 00:06:58,461 --> 00:07:00,550 Sure. 185 00:07:02,204 --> 00:07:03,858 Oh, I'm dyeing a shirt in the bathtub-- 186 00:07:03,901 --> 00:07:05,729 it's not a crime scene. 187 00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:08,384 [phone rings] 188 00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:09,429 Gas-n-go. 189 00:07:09,472 --> 00:07:11,431 Yes. Hi. I was in earlier. 190 00:07:11,474 --> 00:07:14,651 I bought a banana and three Last All Nite Lady Pleasers. 191 00:07:14,695 --> 00:07:16,479 For my uncles. 192 00:07:17,306 --> 00:07:18,873 One of my uncles is wondering 193 00:07:18,916 --> 00:07:21,092 how many of these pills he should take, 194 00:07:21,136 --> 00:07:22,529 and my other uncle said, 195 00:07:22,572 --> 00:07:25,488 "Why don't you call the nice man at the gas station?" 196 00:07:25,532 --> 00:07:27,229 What's it say on the bag? 197 00:07:27,272 --> 00:07:29,971 Uh, "Take as needed." 198 00:07:30,014 --> 00:07:32,800 Then there's a picture of what I think is a jackhammer. 199 00:07:33,801 --> 00:07:35,106 There you go. 200 00:07:35,150 --> 00:07:36,151 [line clicks off] 201 00:07:36,978 --> 00:07:38,806 Great. Thanks for everything. 202 00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:41,286 [sighs] Mm... 203 00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:46,944 Ooh. 204 00:08:01,655 --> 00:08:03,526 [exhales] 205 00:08:03,570 --> 00:08:04,832 [clicks tongue] 206 00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:09,663 [toilet flushing] 207 00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:22,197 Ugh, this has more of a crime-y vibe than I'm comfortable with. 208 00:08:24,808 --> 00:08:26,593 Hey, hey, hey, hey! Careful! 209 00:08:26,636 --> 00:08:28,943 I gave 'em that for their anniversary. 210 00:08:32,424 --> 00:08:34,209 This is so wrong. 211 00:08:35,471 --> 00:08:36,428 [doorbell rings][gasps] 212 00:08:36,472 --> 00:08:37,778 [exhales] 213 00:08:40,563 --> 00:08:41,825 Sorry. 214 00:08:41,869 --> 00:08:43,087 Bedroom. 215 00:08:43,131 --> 00:08:44,349 [sighs] 216 00:08:44,393 --> 00:08:46,656 So, so wrong. 217 00:08:47,483 --> 00:08:48,615 I'll check the drawers. 218 00:08:48,658 --> 00:08:50,268 You check under the bed. 219 00:08:50,312 --> 00:08:52,619 Sounds like you've done this before. 220 00:08:53,489 --> 00:08:55,012 No comment. 221 00:08:55,056 --> 00:08:59,364 I can't believe I'm looking for my brother's sex sock. 222 00:08:59,408 --> 00:09:00,365 Good ole Riley-- 223 00:09:00,409 --> 00:09:01,715 gettin' the job done. 224 00:09:02,498 --> 00:09:05,196 Ew, are you proud of him? 225 00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:06,589 Yeah. Why wouldn't I be? 226 00:09:06,633 --> 00:09:08,635 He's getting his marriage back on track. 227 00:09:08,678 --> 00:09:09,810 [chuckles]:Hold on. 228 00:09:09,853 --> 00:09:12,160 You think this is a love story? 229 00:09:12,203 --> 00:09:13,553 What, you don't? 230 00:09:13,596 --> 00:09:15,598 Vanessa and Riley are high school sweethearts. 231 00:09:15,642 --> 00:09:17,034 Sure, they had their ups and downs, 232 00:09:17,078 --> 00:09:19,471 but, clearly, they can't quit each other. 233 00:09:19,515 --> 00:09:21,604 They make each other miserable. 234 00:09:21,648 --> 00:09:23,084 Like lovers do. 235 00:09:23,954 --> 00:09:26,217 We've seen this movie already. 236 00:09:26,261 --> 00:09:27,436 It didn't end well. 237 00:09:27,479 --> 00:09:29,003 Or it wasn't over. 238 00:09:29,046 --> 00:09:31,483 [sighs] Just please promise me 239 00:09:31,527 --> 00:09:33,573 you won't get your hopes up too high. 240 00:09:33,616 --> 00:09:36,576 Are yougonna give me grandbabies? 241 00:09:37,446 --> 00:09:39,056 Let's find that sex sock. 242 00:09:39,100 --> 00:09:40,797 Now you're talkin'. 243 00:09:42,103 --> 00:09:44,322 [indistinct chatter] 244 00:09:46,977 --> 00:09:48,283 So now your dad and sister know? 245 00:09:48,326 --> 00:09:49,763 I didn't have time to get it myself. 246 00:09:49,806 --> 00:09:51,025 Where is it? 247 00:09:51,068 --> 00:09:52,679 I don't know. Probably in the... 248 00:09:52,722 --> 00:09:54,724 bed somewhere.[sighs] 249 00:09:54,768 --> 00:09:55,986 You think he saw it? 250 00:09:58,859 --> 00:10:00,469 No. 251 00:10:01,513 --> 00:10:03,254 Maybe we're making too big a deal of this. 252 00:10:03,298 --> 00:10:05,387 I mean, if Freddy did find a man's sock in the bed, 253 00:10:05,430 --> 00:10:07,389 would he really be suspicious? 254 00:10:07,432 --> 00:10:08,825 He sleeps naked. 255 00:10:08,869 --> 00:10:09,957 Didn't want to know. 256 00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:12,263 Didn't want to say. 257 00:10:12,307 --> 00:10:13,656 Hey, babe. 258 00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:15,310 A bee! 259 00:10:18,922 --> 00:10:21,055 [stomach gurgling] 260 00:10:22,491 --> 00:10:23,579 Was that you? 261 00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:25,320 Oh, you heard that? 262 00:10:26,190 --> 00:10:27,931 I hope dinner is sitting okay.Oh! 263 00:10:27,975 --> 00:10:29,150 Dinner was wonderful. 264 00:10:29,193 --> 00:10:30,978 [stomach gurgling] 265 00:10:32,153 --> 00:10:34,285 That was my stomach saying thank you. 266 00:10:35,199 --> 00:10:37,549 [gasps] Oh, you're burning up. 267 00:10:37,593 --> 00:10:41,118 [stammers] That is my forehead saying I want you. 268 00:10:41,945 --> 00:10:43,730 Oh, and, Al, your heart is racing. 269 00:10:43,773 --> 00:10:45,079 Uh, okay, that-that? 270 00:10:45,122 --> 00:10:46,646 I don't know. I'm worried about that. 271 00:10:47,429 --> 00:10:49,126 Are you on drugs? It's okay if you are. 272 00:10:49,170 --> 00:10:51,651 I just want to know where the evening is headed. 273 00:10:51,694 --> 00:10:54,479 I took a vitamin. I mu-- I must be having a bad reaction. 274 00:10:54,523 --> 00:10:56,351 What kind of a vitamin?[shuddering] 275 00:10:58,092 --> 00:11:00,660 The kind that gives a man energy. 276 00:11:01,748 --> 00:11:02,662 Al. 277 00:11:02,705 --> 00:11:04,533 [stomach gurgling] 278 00:11:08,276 --> 00:11:11,322 "Last All Nite Lady Pleaser." 279 00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:14,369 Aw, for me? 280 00:11:21,855 --> 00:11:23,421 We all know that metal sinks, 281 00:11:23,465 --> 00:11:25,032 but sometimes boats are made of metal, 282 00:11:25,075 --> 00:11:26,555 so what's up with that? 283 00:11:27,425 --> 00:11:29,819 The answer to this riddle is density. 284 00:11:29,863 --> 00:11:31,821 No, it's water displacement. 285 00:11:31,865 --> 00:11:33,214 Hey, that's your science. 286 00:11:33,257 --> 00:11:35,216 This is my science. 287 00:11:36,434 --> 00:11:38,480 First, measure the mass of the object... 288 00:11:38,523 --> 00:11:39,829 Any word?No. 289 00:11:39,873 --> 00:11:41,309 Tell 'em to look harder. 290 00:11:41,352 --> 00:11:42,876 You can't look harder. There's looking and not looking. 291 00:11:42,919 --> 00:11:44,529 There's no extra looking. 292 00:11:44,573 --> 00:11:46,488 How do you put on two different socks? Are you blind? 293 00:11:46,531 --> 00:11:49,534 I was gonna leave 'em on, but you said it looks dorky. 294 00:11:51,188 --> 00:11:52,363 Where were you? 295 00:11:52,407 --> 00:11:53,582 Bathroom. 296 00:11:53,625 --> 00:11:54,975 You forget, but the urinals are so low here. 297 00:11:55,018 --> 00:11:57,151 Had to wipe off my shoes.Mm. 298 00:12:00,502 --> 00:12:02,547 [stammers] Wh-Who are you calling? 299 00:12:02,591 --> 00:12:05,725 Poison control. I have to see if I need to make you throw up. 300 00:12:06,638 --> 00:12:08,858 Oh, hi. Yes, my date Al...[gasps] 301 00:12:08,902 --> 00:12:10,817 Don't tell them my name. 302 00:12:10,860 --> 00:12:13,558 My date Alonzo... 303 00:12:13,602 --> 00:12:15,691 took a pill 304 00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:20,348 called Last All Nite Lady Pleaser. 305 00:12:20,391 --> 00:12:22,829 [groans loudly] 306 00:12:22,872 --> 00:12:25,092 Oh, yes, the ingredients are 307 00:12:25,135 --> 00:12:27,137 caffeine, gingko biloba, 308 00:12:27,181 --> 00:12:29,574 wood pulp, horny goat weed... 309 00:12:29,618 --> 00:12:31,054 Oh, just let me die. 310 00:12:31,838 --> 00:12:34,144 Okay. 311 00:12:34,188 --> 00:12:35,711 Okay. Good news-- 312 00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:37,800 I don't have to make you throw up. 313 00:12:37,844 --> 00:12:39,715 But you might anyway. 314 00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:41,369 Oh, hey, 315 00:12:41,412 --> 00:12:44,285 would it help if I milked his prostate? 316 00:12:45,677 --> 00:12:48,245 Okay, but would it hurt? 317 00:12:49,116 --> 00:12:50,421 All right, well, thank you. 318 00:12:50,465 --> 00:12:52,380 You've been very helpful. 319 00:12:53,207 --> 00:12:55,818 Okay. So we don't have to go to the hospital 320 00:12:55,862 --> 00:12:59,039 unless you have a seizure or your eyes start to bleed. 321 00:12:59,082 --> 00:13:01,606 Wait here, I'm gonna get you a Gatorade. 322 00:13:04,087 --> 00:13:05,915 [sighs] 323 00:13:08,831 --> 00:13:11,051 I'm the bad pancake. 324 00:13:13,096 --> 00:13:14,576 Ooh!Anything? 325 00:13:14,619 --> 00:13:18,014 Yeah! A sweater I loaned her two years ago. 326 00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,409 Hey, what's this? 327 00:13:21,452 --> 00:13:22,627 What? 328 00:13:23,454 --> 00:13:24,934 It's their divorce papers. 329 00:13:24,978 --> 00:13:26,936 She sent those in weeks ago. 330 00:13:26,980 --> 00:13:28,503 Doesn't look like it. 331 00:13:28,546 --> 00:13:29,896 These are original. 332 00:13:29,939 --> 00:13:32,507 Why wouldn't she have sent them in? 333 00:13:32,550 --> 00:13:34,422 Because I was right. 334 00:13:35,902 --> 00:13:37,425 She's still hot for him. 335 00:13:37,468 --> 00:13:39,862 Or she didn't have any stamps. 336 00:13:39,906 --> 00:13:42,082 No, this proves that she doesn't want to be divorced. 337 00:13:42,125 --> 00:13:43,866 This doesn't prove anything. 338 00:13:44,693 --> 00:13:46,956 It doesn't matter. We came here to find a sock. 339 00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:48,088 Let's find a sock. 340 00:13:48,131 --> 00:13:50,481 We've looked everywhere. 341 00:13:50,525 --> 00:13:51,526 It's hopeless. 342 00:13:51,569 --> 00:13:53,093 Oh, there it is. 343 00:13:55,312 --> 00:13:57,749 Great. Let's make this bed and skedaddle. 344 00:13:57,793 --> 00:13:59,360 "Skedaddle"? Who are you? 345 00:14:04,713 --> 00:14:06,976 I am so sorry. 346 00:14:08,195 --> 00:14:11,154 I wanted to be the best man you've ever been with, 347 00:14:11,198 --> 00:14:12,677 and I ruined it. 348 00:14:12,721 --> 00:14:14,331 No, you didn't. 349 00:14:14,375 --> 00:14:17,552 Just maybe, next time, don't buy boner pills at a gas station. 350 00:14:17,595 --> 00:14:19,423 That salesman misled me. 351 00:14:21,382 --> 00:14:24,211 I get that you were nervous about tonight. 352 00:14:24,254 --> 00:14:26,474 Just so you know, I was, too. 353 00:14:27,301 --> 00:14:30,521 Why? It wasn't gonna be your first time. 354 00:14:30,565 --> 00:14:31,783 With you it was. 355 00:14:31,827 --> 00:14:33,829 Yeah, but you've been with, like... [stammers] 356 00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:35,962 I don't know, five or six people? 357 00:14:37,050 --> 00:14:38,486 Yes. 358 00:14:40,227 --> 00:14:41,706 And I've never done it. 359 00:14:42,533 --> 00:14:44,144 And the only people I've even talked to about it 360 00:14:44,187 --> 00:14:46,624 are my cousin Zubair, who probably also... 361 00:14:46,668 --> 00:14:48,191 has never done it, and a whole bunch of Marines 362 00:14:48,235 --> 00:14:50,150 who even I could tell were lying. 363 00:14:51,542 --> 00:14:55,155 I can't believe I'm-I'm saying any of this t-to you. 364 00:14:55,198 --> 00:14:58,027 I'm just making it worse.No, you're telling me how you're feeling. 365 00:14:58,071 --> 00:15:00,595 That's, like, unheard of with most guys. 366 00:15:00,638 --> 00:15:01,596 Really? 367 00:15:01,639 --> 00:15:02,814 Really. 368 00:15:02,858 --> 00:15:05,730 And honesty is sexy. 369 00:15:06,731 --> 00:15:08,168 Here's some honesty-- 370 00:15:08,211 --> 00:15:10,953 I am so afraid I'm going to disappoint you. 371 00:15:10,997 --> 00:15:12,259 How sexy is that? 372 00:15:12,302 --> 00:15:14,696 I think it's sweet you care so much. 373 00:15:14,739 --> 00:15:16,480 Great. 374 00:15:16,524 --> 00:15:20,006 Look, don't think of it like a show you're putting on. 375 00:15:20,049 --> 00:15:21,181 Think of it as a... 376 00:15:21,224 --> 00:15:24,706 a conversation we're having together. 377 00:15:26,838 --> 00:15:28,797 A naked conversation? 378 00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:31,278 Well, now you're talkin'. 379 00:15:37,023 --> 00:15:38,111 Is that good? 380 00:15:38,154 --> 00:15:40,722 Oh, yeah. It's very good. 381 00:15:45,031 --> 00:15:47,990 And you'll keep telling me what you like? 382 00:15:48,034 --> 00:15:50,558 Trust me, you'll know. 383 00:15:50,601 --> 00:15:52,299 The neighbors will know. 384 00:15:58,740 --> 00:15:59,784 They found the sock. 385 00:15:59,828 --> 00:16:01,395 Oh, thank God. 386 00:16:01,438 --> 00:16:04,224 They also found our divorce papers that you never sent in. 387 00:16:04,267 --> 00:16:05,616 Oh. 388 00:16:06,617 --> 00:16:08,663 Where was the sock? 389 00:16:08,706 --> 00:16:10,708 Why didn't you send them? 390 00:16:11,709 --> 00:16:13,929 I don't know. I got busy. 391 00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,844 Too busy to go to a mailbox? 392 00:16:17,106 --> 00:16:20,544 Maybe I had this dumb idea that, if we were still married, 393 00:16:20,588 --> 00:16:21,981 it wasn't cheating. 394 00:16:22,807 --> 00:16:25,027 Because you can't have an affair with your husband? 395 00:16:25,071 --> 00:16:26,768 Can we not talk about this here? 396 00:16:26,811 --> 00:16:28,944 I'm not judging. I think it's smart. 397 00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:30,424 [sighs] 398 00:16:31,773 --> 00:16:34,341 [exhales] So are you gonna send the papers in? 399 00:16:34,384 --> 00:16:36,299 Can you give me some space? 400 00:16:36,343 --> 00:16:37,909 Why? 401 00:16:37,953 --> 00:16:39,433 Because. 402 00:16:39,476 --> 00:16:42,392 Because I haven't had a single moment to think about myself 403 00:16:42,436 --> 00:16:44,177 since you got back from Afghanistan. 404 00:16:44,220 --> 00:16:46,048 You needed help. 405 00:16:46,092 --> 00:16:47,223 You were a little bit scary, 406 00:16:47,267 --> 00:16:48,746 and I had a kid to take care of. 407 00:16:48,790 --> 00:16:50,922 And then you cheated on me, you split 408 00:16:50,966 --> 00:16:52,750 and I still had a kid to take care of. 409 00:16:52,794 --> 00:16:54,187 And a new boyfriend.Yeah. 410 00:16:54,230 --> 00:16:56,276 Who was always nice to me and who I could count on. 411 00:16:56,319 --> 00:16:57,407 Then why are you cheating on him? 412 00:16:57,451 --> 00:16:58,930 I don't know.I think you do. 413 00:16:58,974 --> 00:17:00,758 I think you're trying to blow up your life 414 00:17:00,802 --> 00:17:02,934 so you don't have to make a decision. 415 00:17:02,978 --> 00:17:04,414 [exhales] 416 00:17:04,458 --> 00:17:06,590 You would know a lot about that. 417 00:17:12,292 --> 00:17:14,337 Riley, they left the gym open. 418 00:17:14,381 --> 00:17:15,860 Come on. 419 00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:28,525 Riley. 420 00:17:28,569 --> 00:17:29,787 Yeah. What? 421 00:17:29,831 --> 00:17:32,442 I found another thing I'm good at. 422 00:17:33,182 --> 00:17:35,315 No way. 423 00:17:35,358 --> 00:17:37,012 Any problems? 424 00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:38,187 Well... 425 00:17:38,231 --> 00:17:39,710 the neighbor banged on the wall a bit. 426 00:17:39,754 --> 00:17:42,452 [exhales] You stud. 427 00:17:42,496 --> 00:17:44,367 I really am. 428 00:17:45,499 --> 00:17:47,283 So when are you gonna see her again? 429 00:17:47,327 --> 00:17:48,415 Ah, the question is, 430 00:17:48,458 --> 00:17:49,894 when will I see youagain? 431 00:17:49,938 --> 00:17:52,201 I just came for some clothes and my toothbrush. 432 00:17:52,245 --> 00:17:53,724 And a banana. 433 00:17:54,551 --> 00:17:56,292 Remember to pace yourself. 434 00:17:56,336 --> 00:17:57,467 I will. 435 00:17:57,511 --> 00:17:58,599 And drink lots of water. 436 00:17:58,642 --> 00:18:00,557 Copy that.Hey, Al. 437 00:18:00,601 --> 00:18:03,038 It's been an honor serving with you. 438 00:18:03,647 --> 00:18:04,735 And with you, sir.