Previously on United States of Al...
From now on, you will remember me as the man
who dated two women at the same time.
Maybe we're making too big a deal of this.
I mean, if Freddy did find a man's sock in the bed,
would he really be suspicious?
He sleeps naked.
Didn't want to know.Didn't want to say.
He asked me to marry him.
You said no, right?
Vanessa is making a mistake.
You are a better man than Freddy.Thanks.
I mean, he's taller but only a little bit.
Barely worth mentioning.
Why does she even want to marry him?
She thinks he's safe and I'm still a mess.
No, you're not.
A year ago when I got here, definitely.
But now not so much.
I have been really on good behavior for a long time.
Eh, except for your dirty motel affair.
It was $49. It was a nice place.
She's just, like, afraid to admit she loves me.
Who knows what goes on in a woman's mind?
I don't even think women do.
Maybe I should just talk to Freddy.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You're on such a good streak of not being stupid.
But I'm his friend.Except you're not.
We've gotten a lot closer.What's his last name?
We're on a first-name basis.
Do not talk to him.
I'd want to know if the woman I was about to marry
was sleeping with another guy.
But you wouldn't want to hear it from that guy.
You're right. I'll drop it.
But don't you think I owe it to Freddy to say something?
Yes. You say, "Congratulations."
I think telling Freddy is the right thing to do.
Who cares what you think?
I'm just saying, if I was about to get married,
I'd want to know.
But he's not you.
And you're not me!
But don't you think I have a moral obligation
to tell this guy?
Well, Ricky... Riley.
You still buying? Yeah.
I say follow your heart.
[shouts] Come...
Thank you!
Can I get you a cup of java?
Oh, yeah, thanks.
So, what's going on?
I heard you popped the question.
Sure did, amigo.
Couldn't be happier.
Yeah, about that.
[coffee grinder whirring loudly]
[whirring stops]
Listen, you and I are friends.
You said it.
And you can't have friendship
without honesty.
So true.
Which is why I got to...
[coffee grinder whirring loudly]
[whirring stops]
You and Vanessa shouldn't get married.
Why would you say that?
Just trust me on this, man.
You want to walk away.
Why?
'Cause you've been sleeping with her?
People underestimate me.
I encourage it.
You knew?
Yep.
If I recall, you like it black, right?
Did Vanessa tell you?
Didn't have to.
You're not great at covering your tracks.
And you still want to marry her?
Well, I figured the two of you had
some unfinished business to work through.
Now she can move on.
I suggest you do the same.
Look, man, you don't know her the way I do. All right?
She's scared of her feelings for me, but they're real.
Riley, don't take this the wrong way, but you're a joke.
So why don't you leave while you still have your teeth.
[scoffs]
You really want to fight a Marine?
[chuckles]
You really want to fight a hockey player?
How 'bout that parking spot I got?
[nasally]: Yeah, I feel okay, Dad.
Thanks for asking.
It's been a long time since you lost a fight.
He pulled my shirt over my head.
Then there were all these fists coming.
At one point, I thought I was fighting more than one guy.
Pretty busy in here.
If you want, I can straighten out your beak with these boys.
I'll stick with the doctor.
[laughs]
What's funny?
You picked a fight with a hockey player.
That's all those guys do.
I was an idiot for thinking
me and Vanessa could get back together.
Ah, you're just a guy fighting for his family.
Vanessa and Freddy will probably have a baby,
and I'm gonna have to see them all the time 'cause of Hazel.
Thanksgiving and Christmas are gonna suck.
Birthdays, soccer games-- more sucking.
I'll be the guy that sits in the driveway,
honking his horn till his kid comes out.
That's it! That's my life!
Well, maybe you can get that Holly girl back.
I've already been punched in the face once today.
♪
♪ Oh!
So next semester, I've been asked to teach psychology.
You're a freshman. You've taken one class.
Technically, I'll be the teacher's assistant,
in charge of unlocking the classroom, the AV equipment.
Nothing much happens without me.
[laughs]
Oh, no.
Oh, who's that?A woman.
Well, I can see. Do you know her?
Do we really know anyone?
Don't be ridiculous.
Invite her over.
Too late.
Cindy, uh... [stammers] this is such a coincidence.
Oh, no, it's not. I followed you. [chuckles]
Hi. I'm Cindy.
You followed him?
Well, it wasn't hard.
I put a GPS tracker in his pocket.
How do you two know each other?
Cindy is a friend of Riley's ex-girlfriend.
Al and I are lovers.
Okay.
And why are you here now?
Oh, is this weird?
Oh, I was afraid it was gonna be weird.
I was just so curious about you.
You're very pretty.
All right.
Cindy, it's, uh, nice to see you.
Here's your GPS tracker.
[chuckles]: Oh. Thanks.
Good luck finding the other one. [chuckles]
I'm also taking an advanced mathematics class next semester.
What was that all about?
Oh, Cindy? [scoffs] She means no harm.
She's stalking you.
She's just passionate. It's not a problem.
Uh, you're not gonna keep seeing her, are you?
Mm. Are you jealous?
I thought you wanted us to see other people.
Not if they're nuts.[chuckles]
She's fine.
Nothing to worry about.
I hope so.
Let's just have a nice meal.
You locked your car, right?
Ugh, I just had the worst day.
Wanna bet?
Oh, my God!
What happened?
Freddy.
I told you not to go talk to him.
Everybody told me.
Did you not fight back?
He had all these crazy hockey tricks.
I thought Canadians were supposed to be nice.
Well, now that you're no longer handsome,
think about all the carbs you can eat.
[sneezes]
Oh!
[groans]: Ow!
[grunts] I got to do something about this.
Where are you going?
Talk to Vanessa.Riley.
She needs to know she's about to marry a violent psychopath.
Did he take the first swing?
No, I did. He took all the rest of them.
Check out what your fiancé did.
I heard. Does it hurt?
It does not feel great.
[scoffs]
Why did you go over there?
Because you should be marrying me.
No, I shouldn't, and this is exactly why.
Everywhere you go, this happens.
It's not like I punched myself in the face.
No, but you got the sweetest man in the world to punch you.
That says more about you than him.
Next time you decide to cheat on him, call somebody else.
Maybe someone who knows tae kwon do or something.
Did she cut your hair? It looks ridiculous.
I didn't.
I was just trying to hurt her feelings.
It looks fine.
Did you know Riley is up on the roof drinking beer?
Yep.
And that doesn't trouble you?
Nope.
That's troubling.
Trust me, it's the safest place for him.
Hmm. I would have thought on the ground.
Eh, his heart is broken.
He needs some space.
And this way, we can keep an eye on him.
And keep tabs on how much he's drinking.
Hey! Don't let me catch you peeing in the rain gutter!
[knock on door]
I'll get it.
Hi, honey.Uh...
Cindy.
I felt bad about lunch today.
Your pretty little friend seemed really upset.
Ariana broke up with me.
Oh, no.
Well, nothing heals a broken heart like banana muffins.
Uh, Cindy, you remember Mr. Art
and Lois.
And this is Lizzie.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, likewise.
How do you know Al?
I live here.
Oh, really?
Al's never mentioned you.
Of course I have. You haven't.
Here, Lizzie, have a muffin.
Oh.
You're very pretty.
Hey. Hey.
What's with the helmet?
Grampy said if I come up here, I have to wear it.
He's right. Safety first.
You look awful.
[scoffs] You should see the other guy.
I did. He looks fine.
[grunts]
Did you know they're getting married?
I did know that.
How you feeling about it?
Whatever.
Is that why you and Freddy got in a fight?
Hey, he has done nothing wrong.
All right?
He's a good guy, and I know he cares about you a lot.
So? I'm not gonna live there anymore.
Well, that's not up to you.
[sighs] They're probably gonna have a baby.
It's not so bad.
You'll be the cool big sister.
Huh? You'll teach the kid how to skateboard,
shoot a basketball, buy homework.
No, I'd just be the babysitter they don't pay for.
Well, you're not gonna put up with that. You got to get paid.
Thank you.
And if they do have a kid, they are gonna be so distracted,
you'll be able to get away with anything.
I get away with anything now.
Now, see, you can't be telling me that.
So you're an artist who's also a bookkeeper?
I do a bit of everything.
I bet you do.
So you seeing anybody?
Yeah, actually. Oh.
Does he know you share a bathroom
with the cupcake from Kabul?
[laughs]: He does.
I'm gonna go check on dinner.
Oh, I'll help.
Ah, you smell great!
Any advice?
I'd say leave the country,
but I don't think you have that option.
And you cook, too. [chuckles]
So where's your boyfriend tonight?
He teaches a class.
A lot of holes in your story.
I'm sorry, do you have a problem with me?
That's what I'm trying to figure out.
[chuckles]
Just so we're clear, Al is like my brother.
You already have a brother. Try again.
You don't have to worry about Al.
He's the sweetest, most loyal guy I've ever met.
Well, don't let your fake boyfriend hear you say that.
I'm just saying, you have nothing to be jealous of.
[chuckles]: Oh, I don't get jealous.
I get even.
Hey, ladies. How's it going in here?
Oh, can I talk to you privately?
Yes, you can.
I can't do this, Al.
I can't love a man
the way that I love you
and share him with every woman who pretends to be his sister.
What?
You know what I'm talking about.
Not for the last half hour.
Oh, sorry.
Didn't mean to interrupt.
Yeah, she's still here.
My turn.
[exhales sharply]
Nothing but chimney.
Permission to come aboard?
Is that orange soda?
Yes.
Permission granted.
What are you doing up here?
Eh, just getting some air.
[sighs heavily]
Hey, so, um,
are restraining orders only in the movies or are they real?
Well, they're real, but you got to prove you're afraid.
That's easy.
[cans open]
You know what's nice about this?
All our problems...
are down there.
Mm.
Can I sleep on the roof?
No. You roll off. I've tried it.
Anyway, it's about time I got you home.
Freddy's probably gonna be there.
Why don't you let me take her.
[whispers]: That'd be great.
CINDY [calling out]: Al, are you up there?
Shh!
[knock on door]
Hey, guys.
Bye, Uncle Al.Bye, Hazel.
Love you.Love you, too.
I'll be in my room.
Thanks for bringing her home.
It's no problem.
How's Riley?
He's fine.
Good night.
Hey, Al.
I'm sorry.
I know you were hoping that we'd get back together.
I was.
But now...
I just want you both to be happy.
Me, too.
If Freddy makes your heart sing, that's the end of it.
Right.
You're supposed to say your heart is singing.
It is.
Hmm.
Maybe I don't read people as well as I thought.
[TV playing quietly]
[whispers]: Is it safe?
She left. Oh, good.
While you were gone, she put on your pajamas and took a nap.
She's a curious sort.
How'd you meet?
Riley's ex-girlfriend introduced us,
and she started kissing me.
That tracks.
Maybe you and Riley, uh, should take a little road trip.
Get out of town for a while.
That sounds like a smart idea.
Leave at night.
Don't tell anyone where you're going.
Hey.
What are you doing here?
Just wanted to talk to you for a minute.
All right.
I sent in our divorce papers.
Okay.
And I broke things off with Freddy.
Good for you.
I get why you're mad, Riley.
Do you?Yeah.
I know I screwed up.
I'm just kind of a mess.
I thought I was the mess.
Well...
I am, too.
Just don't think I should be with anyone right now.
[sighs]
Dad's getting the grill going.
You hungry?
Maybe another time.
♪
[sighs heavily]
This is a great idea.
Oh, best thing for us.
Getting out of town and clearing our heads.[sighs]
I can't believe I've been here
a whole year and haven't seen Las Vegas.
Well, we'd be there a lot sooner if you went faster than...
48?! Come on, Al!
What's the rush? We're both free dudes.
We have all the time in the world.
You sure you're free? How'd you leave it with Cindy?
Eh, I told her we weren't right for each other.
And you know what? She surprised me.
She took it really well.
Good for you. Mm.
You are going to kill it in Vegas.
Weare going to kill it in Vegas.
Roller coasters, magic shows and all-you-can-eat buffets.
It's like a city designed by a 14-year-old boy.
[laughs] Mm.
48 miles an hour?
Come on, Al!
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