1
00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:04,298
<i>♪ When I was a young boy</i>

2
00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:09,003
<i>♪ My father took me</i>
<i>Into the city</i>

3
00:01:09,102 --> 00:01:13,473
<i>♪ To see a marching band</i>

4
00:01:13,575 --> 00:01:17,210
<i>♪ He said</i>
<i>"Son, when you grow up</i>

5
00:01:17,311 --> 00:01:21,916
<i>♪ "Would you be the savior</i>
<i>Of the broken</i>

6
00:01:22,016 --> 00:01:26,386
<i>♪ "The beaten and the damned?"</i>

7
00:01:26,486 --> 00:01:29,824
<i>♪ He said</i>
<i>"Will you defeat them?</i>

8
00:01:29,924 --> 00:01:34,529
<i>♪ "Your demons</i>
<i>And all the non-believers</i>

9
00:01:34,629 --> 00:01:39,132
<i>♪ "The plans that</i>
<i>They have made?</i>

10
00:01:39,232 --> 00:01:42,469
<i>♪ "Because one day</i>
<i>I'll leave you</i>

11
00:01:42,570 --> 00:01:45,540
<i>♪ "A phantom to lead you</i>

12
00:01:45,640 --> 00:01:50,812
<i>♪ "In the summer</i>
<i>To join the black parade"</i>

13
00:02:05,325 --> 00:02:08,195
<i>♪ When I was a young boy</i>

14
00:02:08,295 --> 00:02:13,101
<i>♪ My father took me</i>
<i>Into the city</i>

15
00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:17,404
<i>♪ To see a marching band</i>

16
00:02:17,505 --> 00:02:21,308
<i>♪ He said</i>
<i>"Son, when you grow up</i>

17
00:02:21,408 --> 00:02:25,680
<i>♪ "Would you be the savior</i>
<i>Of the broken</i>

18
00:02:25,780 --> 00:02:29,383
<i>♪ "The beaten and the damned?"</i>

19
00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:48,903
<i>♪ Sometimes I get the feeling</i>

20
00:02:49,003 --> 00:02:51,005
<i>♪ She's watching over me</i>

21
00:02:51,105 --> 00:02:56,044
<i>♪ And other times</i>
<i>I feel like I should go</i>

22
00:02:56,144 --> 00:02:58,579
<i>♪ And through it all</i>
<i>The rise and fall</i>

23
00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:01,149
<i>♪ The bodies in the streets</i>

24
00:03:01,248 --> 00:03:03,316
<i>♪ And when you're gone</i>
<i>We want you all to know</i>

25
00:03:05,119 --> 00:03:07,454
<i>♪ We'll carry on</i>

26
00:03:07,555 --> 00:03:09,557
<i>♪ We'll carry on</i>

27
00:03:09,657 --> 00:03:12,459
<i>♪ And though</i>
<i>You're dead and gone</i>

28
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,595
<i>♪ Believe me</i>
<i>Your memory will carry on</i>

29
00:03:14,696 --> 00:03:16,831
Yes!

30
00:03:16,931 --> 00:03:19,534
<i>♪ We'll carry on</i>

31
00:03:19,634 --> 00:03:23,336
<i>♪ And in my heart</i>
<i>I can't contain it</i>

32
00:03:23,437 --> 00:03:25,540
<i>♪ The anthem won't explain it</i>

33
00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:28,042
<i>♪ A world that</i>
<i>Sends you reeling</i>

34
00:03:28,142 --> 00:03:30,178
<i>♪ From decimated dreams...</i>

35
00:03:30,277 --> 00:03:32,379
Fuck you!
Somebody get over here.

36
00:03:32,479 --> 00:03:33,948
Back up! Back up!

37
00:03:35,817 --> 00:03:38,119
<i>♪ So paint it black</i>
<i>And take it back</i>

38
00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:40,722
<i>♪ Let's shout it loud and clear</i>

39
00:03:40,822 --> 00:03:44,424
<i>♪ Defiant to the end</i>
<i>We hear the call</i>

40
00:03:44,525 --> 00:03:47,028
<i>♪ To carry on</i>

41
00:03:47,128 --> 00:03:49,429
<i>♪ We'll carry on</i>

42
00:03:49,530 --> 00:03:51,766
<i>♪ And though</i>
<i>You're dead and gone</i>

43
00:03:51,866 --> 00:03:56,971
<i>♪ Believe me</i>
<i>Your memory will carry on</i>

44
00:03:57,071 --> 00:03:59,339
<i>♪ We'll carry on</i>

45
00:03:59,439 --> 00:04:03,111
<i>♪ And though you're broken</i>
<i>And defeated</i>

46
00:04:03,211 --> 00:04:05,780
<i>♪ Your weary widow marches</i>

47
00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:09,449
<i>♪ On and on we carry</i>
<i>Through the fears</i>

48
00:04:11,986 --> 00:04:15,255
<i>♪ Disappointed faces</i>
<i>Of your peers</i>

49
00:04:15,355 --> 00:04:17,091
All right.
Spread out.
Ready?

50
00:04:17,191 --> 00:04:21,461
<i>♪ 'Cause I could not</i>
<i>Care at all</i>

51
00:04:21,562 --> 00:04:23,731
<i>♪ Do or die</i>
<i>You'll never make me</i>

52
00:04:23,831 --> 00:04:26,801
<i>♪ Because the world</i>
<i>Will never take my heart</i>

53
00:04:26,901 --> 00:04:29,170
<i>♪ Go and try</i>
<i>You'll never break me</i>

54
00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:32,006
<i>♪ We want it all</i>
<i>We wanna play this part</i>

55
00:04:32,106 --> 00:04:34,675
<i>♪ I won't explain or say</i>
<i>I'm sorry</i>

56
00:04:34,776 --> 00:04:37,812
<i>♪ I'm unashamed</i>
<i>I'm gonna show my scar</i>

57
00:04:37,912 --> 00:04:40,447
<i>♪ Give a cheer</i>
<i>For all the broken</i>

58
00:04:40,548 --> 00:04:42,950
<i>♪ Listen here</i>
<i>Because it's who we are</i>

59
00:04:44,819 --> 00:04:46,419
Whoo!

60
00:04:46,521 --> 00:04:48,523
<i>♪ Just a boy</i>
<i>Who had to sing this song</i>

61
00:04:48,623 --> 00:04:50,091
<i>♪ I'm just a man</i>
<i>I'm not a hero</i>

62
00:04:51,324 --> 00:04:54,996
<i>♪ I don't care</i>

63
00:04:55,096 --> 00:04:57,064
<i>♪ We'll carry on</i>

64
00:04:57,165 --> 00:04:59,867
<i>♪ We'll carry on</i>

65
00:05:02,136 --> 00:05:03,604
<i>♪ Believe me</i>

66
00:05:03,704 --> 00:05:09,610
<i>♪ Your weary widow</i>
<i>Marches on ♪</i>

67
00:05:20,955 --> 00:05:22,557
<i>- ♪ Pork roll</i>
<i>- Egg and cheese</i>

68
00:05:22,657 --> 00:05:23,958
<i>♪ Pork roll</i>
<i>Egg and what?</i>

69
00:05:24,058 --> 00:05:25,693
<i>♪ Pork roll</i>
<i>Egg and cheese</i>

70
00:05:25,793 --> 00:05:27,528
<i>♪ Pork roll</i>
<i>Egg and what? ♪</i>

71
00:05:28,461 --> 00:05:30,064
Uh, uh, uh.

72
00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:32,733
Excuse me.

73
00:05:32,834 --> 00:05:35,236
Yo, is anybody
working or, uh...

74
00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:36,604
You know what
you want or what?

75
00:05:36,704 --> 00:05:39,207
Yeah. Can I get three
Snoogans Prerolls?

76
00:05:40,942 --> 00:05:42,910
$100 even.

77
00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:44,812
Right.

78
00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:47,114
<i>♪ Tell me who</i>
<i>Tell me who...</i>

79
00:05:47,215 --> 00:05:48,716
Can you...

80
00:05:48,816 --> 00:05:50,117
<i>♪ Profits off the life</i>
<i>Of every dude</i>

81
00:05:50,218 --> 00:05:51,418
<i>♪ Every sick</i>

82
00:05:51,519 --> 00:05:54,055
Keep it down.

83
00:05:54,155 --> 00:05:55,756
<i>♪ Ask the schools</i>

84
00:05:58,993 --> 00:06:02,296
<i>♪ Break the chains</i>
<i>Reveal the lies... ♪</i>

85
00:06:10,338 --> 00:06:11,772
Yeah,
yeah, yeah.

86
00:06:11,873 --> 00:06:13,406
What 'cha
looking at, man?

87
00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:15,710
That's how we did it
in the '90s, son!

88
00:06:31,225 --> 00:06:33,261
Wait. Wait,
wait, wait.

89
00:06:35,162 --> 00:06:37,798
Your whistling
is affecting
your carrying.

90
00:06:43,804 --> 00:06:45,339
Pretty nifty
planning.

91
00:06:49,844 --> 00:06:50,811
The fuck?

92
00:06:50,912 --> 00:06:52,680
Oh, uh... well,
'cause, um,

93
00:06:52,780 --> 00:06:54,481
nifty is slang
for NFT,

94
00:06:54,582 --> 00:06:57,551
which is a non-fungible
token in our world.

95
00:06:57,652 --> 00:06:59,220
"Our world"?

96
00:06:59,320 --> 00:07:00,955
Oh, my God,
I knew it.

97
00:07:01,055 --> 00:07:02,556
You belong to one
of these religious
death cults

98
00:07:02,657 --> 00:07:03,824
where they all wear
sneakers to bed

99
00:07:03,925 --> 00:07:05,593
before they
kill themselves.

100
00:07:05,693 --> 00:07:07,561
For the last
time, Randal,

101
00:07:07,662 --> 00:07:09,697
I'm not in
a religious
death cult.

102
00:07:09,797 --> 00:07:11,766
Blockchain Coltrane
and I are co-founders

103
00:07:11,866 --> 00:07:13,701
of the Christian
Crypto Club.

104
00:07:18,873 --> 00:07:21,175
<i>♪ Rip and tear! ♪</i>

105
00:07:21,275 --> 00:07:23,110
This is either
a <i>Lord of the</i>
<i>Rings</i> thing

106
00:07:23,210 --> 00:07:25,279
or a Jesus thing.
Hmm.

107
00:07:29,684 --> 00:07:31,886
Blockchain says that
Jesus saves souls,

108
00:07:31,986 --> 00:07:34,655
but we buy souls,
it's...

109
00:07:34,755 --> 00:07:36,424
It's pretty
clever wordplay

110
00:07:36,524 --> 00:07:38,426
because the
Phantasma Chain's
cryptocurrency unit

111
00:07:38,526 --> 00:07:40,328
is called
the Soul, so...

112
00:07:40,428 --> 00:07:41,862
It's...

113
00:07:41,963 --> 00:07:44,464
You are killing me
this morning,
you nut.

114
00:07:44,565 --> 00:07:46,033
Oh, shit,

115
00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:47,802
I think I get it now.

116
00:07:47,902 --> 00:07:50,171
Get what?
NFTs and crypto?

117
00:07:50,271 --> 00:07:52,472
No, not that
Beanie Baby
bullshit.

118
00:07:52,573 --> 00:07:54,208
Talking about
this pair of puds.

119
00:07:54,308 --> 00:07:57,945
Looks like Elias
has got his own
Silent Bob.

120
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:03,250
Oh, this is quite
a handjob.

121
00:08:09,223 --> 00:08:10,424
What?

122
00:08:10,524 --> 00:08:12,526
Jesus, these Gen Z
kids are fucked.

123
00:08:12,626 --> 00:08:14,362
Oh,
what a surprise.

124
00:08:14,462 --> 00:08:16,731
Randal has taken
the Lord's name
in vain again, Mr. Dante.

125
00:08:16,831 --> 00:08:19,166
Please stop calling me
Mr. Dante.

126
00:08:19,266 --> 00:08:21,102
You're 36-years-old.

127
00:08:21,202 --> 00:08:22,636
And not for nothing,

128
00:08:22,737 --> 00:08:24,071
but how's it taking
the Lord's name in vain

129
00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:25,940
if I don't pray
to your Christian God?

130
00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:28,242
If you don't pray to God,
then who do you pray to?

131
00:08:28,342 --> 00:08:31,545
When I'm at my lowest,
I always pray to Crom.

132
00:08:31,645 --> 00:08:32,847
Who's Crom?

133
00:08:32,947 --> 00:08:34,448
That's Conan
the Barbarian's God.

134
00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:35,983
You know
what, Randal?

135
00:08:36,083 --> 00:08:37,752
I really wish
you didn't
worship all your

136
00:08:37,852 --> 00:08:40,054
false comic book idols
and satanic superheroes.

137
00:08:40,154 --> 00:08:44,091
Batman, The Avengers,
Wonder Woman, AOC.

138
00:08:44,191 --> 00:08:46,794
Come on, man,
give Crom a chance.

139
00:08:46,894 --> 00:08:48,929
He may not be all woke
and shit like Jesus,

140
00:08:49,030 --> 00:08:51,032
but homeboy's
pretty metal
for a deity.

141
00:08:51,132 --> 00:08:53,968
Well, joke's on you,
Randal, because
there's only one God.

142
00:08:54,068 --> 00:08:56,337
Yeah. What about Thor?
Thor's a god.

143
00:08:56,437 --> 00:08:59,273
Thor is a fictional
character who flies
through outer space.

144
00:08:59,373 --> 00:09:00,541
So is your God.

145
00:09:00,641 --> 00:09:01,842
Mr. Dante.

146
00:09:01,942 --> 00:09:03,377
His God is the living
Christ, Randal.

147
00:09:03,477 --> 00:09:04,712
His God is
the Living Dead

148
00:09:04,812 --> 00:09:06,380
with all that
goth-y shit like,

149
00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:09,150
drink my blood.
That's fucking
vampire talk.

150
00:09:09,250 --> 00:09:10,651
Mr. Dante!
Oh, no.

151
00:09:10,751 --> 00:09:13,587
My name is Foo-Foo
and this is between
you two.

152
00:09:18,426 --> 00:09:20,628
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, freeze.

153
00:09:23,664 --> 00:09:25,599
What the fuck
are these?

154
00:09:27,536 --> 00:09:29,336
Kites.
No shit.

155
00:09:29,437 --> 00:09:30,971
But what are they
doing here?

156
00:09:31,072 --> 00:09:32,840
I thought we could
sell them.

157
00:09:32,940 --> 00:09:36,077
Are you serious?
Who the fuck flies
kites anymore?

158
00:09:36,177 --> 00:09:37,378
Lots of people.

159
00:09:37,478 --> 00:09:40,114
Kids today love
flying kites.
Kites are cool.

160
00:09:40,214 --> 00:09:42,316
What century
is this,
Ben Franklin,

161
00:09:42,416 --> 00:09:44,151
and what kind of kid
in this day and age

162
00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:45,753
would be
remotely interested

163
00:09:45,853 --> 00:09:48,255
in buying or flying
a fucking kite?

164
00:09:49,990 --> 00:09:51,659
Did you see they have
Jesus on them?

165
00:09:51,759 --> 00:09:54,662
Oh, well,
all the kids
love Jesus.

166
00:09:54,762 --> 00:09:56,163
Who in their
right mind
is gonna buy

167
00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:58,365
one of your creepy
Christ kites?

168
00:09:58,466 --> 00:09:59,568
I would.

169
00:09:59,667 --> 00:10:01,769
You did, like,
30 times.

170
00:10:01,869 --> 00:10:04,271
Maybe we can
sell some online.

171
00:10:04,371 --> 00:10:05,673
Online?

172
00:10:05,773 --> 00:10:07,241
The only way anyone
on the Internet

173
00:10:07,341 --> 00:10:09,009
would care about
this old-timey bullshit

174
00:10:09,110 --> 00:10:11,045
is if you shot
a TikTok
trying to jam

175
00:10:11,145 --> 00:10:14,215
one of those Jesus
kites up your
Christian dickhole.

176
00:10:16,350 --> 00:10:18,052
Asshole.
Thank you.

177
00:10:18,152 --> 00:10:19,787
You know what, Randal?
I don't think
there's anything

178
00:10:19,887 --> 00:10:22,056
particularly "metal"
about blasphemy.

179
00:10:22,156 --> 00:10:25,626
Shah, blasphemy
and biting off
a bat's head

180
00:10:25,726 --> 00:10:27,628
are as metal
as it gets.

181
00:10:29,598 --> 00:10:31,799
There were two men
who were crucified
with Jesus, Randal.

182
00:10:31,899 --> 00:10:33,467
Holy fuck.

183
00:10:33,568 --> 00:10:35,803
A good thief
and a bad thief.

184
00:10:35,903 --> 00:10:37,138
If they were caught,
I'd say

185
00:10:37,238 --> 00:10:38,672
that makes them both
bad thieves.

186
00:10:38,772 --> 00:10:40,441
The bad thief said,

187
00:10:40,542 --> 00:10:42,810
"If you are really
the son of God,

188
00:10:42,910 --> 00:10:45,412
"get us down from here
and save us."

189
00:10:45,514 --> 00:10:47,448
So why is this
guy called
"The bad thief"?

190
00:10:47,549 --> 00:10:50,184
Call him "The practical
thief with common
fucking sense."

191
00:10:50,284 --> 00:10:52,953
Ah. But the good
thief said,

192
00:10:53,053 --> 00:10:57,526
"Jesus did no wrong,
whereas we are but thieves."

193
00:10:57,626 --> 00:10:59,793
What the fuck
are butt thieves?

194
00:10:59,894 --> 00:11:02,663
Uh, well,
then the good
thief said,

195
00:11:02,763 --> 00:11:05,032
"Jesus, remember me
in your kingdom."

196
00:11:05,132 --> 00:11:06,934
And Jesus said
to the good thief,

197
00:11:07,034 --> 00:11:09,703
"Today, you shall be
with me in paradise."

198
00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:11,939
And Paradise
is a strip club.

199
00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:14,141
It's not a strip
club, Randal.

200
00:11:15,442 --> 00:11:17,244
It's Heaven.

201
00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:19,581
So the moral of your
never ending story is,

202
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:22,249
even in Heaven,
it's all about
who you know.

203
00:11:22,349 --> 00:11:24,752
The moral of the story

204
00:11:24,852 --> 00:11:26,887
is if you didn't
go to Heaven
as a guest of Jesus,

205
00:11:26,987 --> 00:11:28,155
like the good thief,

206
00:11:28,255 --> 00:11:30,057
where did the bad
thief go, Randal?

207
00:11:30,157 --> 00:11:32,092
Not that I wanna
prolong your sermon,

208
00:11:32,193 --> 00:11:34,596
but how is it
blasphemy
to remind a guy

209
00:11:34,695 --> 00:11:36,063
he's the son
of God?

210
00:11:36,163 --> 00:11:37,932
Maybe the bad
thief thought

211
00:11:38,032 --> 00:11:39,634
Jesus had
a <i>Bourne Identity</i>
thing going on,

212
00:11:39,733 --> 00:11:40,968
like Jesus fell
off a boat,

213
00:11:41,068 --> 00:11:42,836
hit his head
and caught amnesia.

214
00:11:42,937 --> 00:11:44,872
He was born
in a manger.

215
00:11:44,972 --> 00:11:46,641
Now he's
Bourne again.

216
00:11:46,740 --> 00:11:50,077
Matt Damon is
Jesus Bourne in...

217
00:11:50,177 --> 00:11:52,146
The Bourne Nativity.

218
00:11:52,246 --> 00:11:54,048
Heavenly Father,
I beseech thee,

219
00:11:54,148 --> 00:11:56,483
please smite
this braying heretic.

220
00:11:57,519 --> 00:11:59,253
Oh.

221
00:12:01,255 --> 00:12:02,624
Are you okay?

222
00:12:02,723 --> 00:12:05,594
No, something's wrong, I...
I can't catch my breath.

223
00:12:05,694 --> 00:12:06,727
Stop teasing me.

224
00:12:06,827 --> 00:12:09,063
I'm not teasing, I...

225
00:12:09,163 --> 00:12:10,898
I can't catch
my breath, man.

226
00:12:10,998 --> 00:12:12,534
Really? Should I try
mouth stuff?

227
00:12:12,634 --> 00:12:14,669
What is this,
a Tinder date?
Get off of me.

228
00:12:14,768 --> 00:12:16,170
You said you
can't breathe.

229
00:12:16,270 --> 00:12:18,640
I can breathe. I just...

230
00:12:18,739 --> 00:12:19,840
I can't catch
my breath.

231
00:12:19,940 --> 00:12:20,975
What are you doing
with your arm?

232
00:12:21,075 --> 00:12:22,743
I'm trying to breathe.

233
00:12:22,843 --> 00:12:24,546
You're really
sweating, Randal.

234
00:12:24,646 --> 00:12:25,913
It's hot in here, man.

235
00:12:26,013 --> 00:12:27,515
Can we open the door?
I got to...

236
00:12:29,383 --> 00:12:30,518
Mr. Dante!

237
00:12:31,452 --> 00:12:33,087
Oh, shit!

238
00:12:33,187 --> 00:12:35,356
I need an ambulance
at the QuickStop.

239
00:12:39,093 --> 00:12:40,595
<i>Dr. Ladenheim,</i>

240
00:12:40,695 --> 00:12:42,296
<i>report to the ER.</i>

241
00:12:42,396 --> 00:12:43,931
<i>Dr. Ladenheim...</i>

242
00:12:44,031 --> 00:12:45,667
You had to call
an ambulance,
didn't you?

243
00:12:45,766 --> 00:12:48,503
I just ate too much
fuckin' Mooby's,
that's all.

244
00:12:48,603 --> 00:12:50,771
Well, if you know
what's wrong,

245
00:12:50,871 --> 00:12:52,439
then I guess
I can go home.

246
00:12:52,540 --> 00:12:53,941
Are you the doctor?

247
00:12:54,041 --> 00:12:55,543
I'm the doctor.

248
00:12:55,644 --> 00:12:57,679
Dr. Ladenheim, I'll be
your savior this evening.

249
00:13:01,048 --> 00:13:02,684
What in the fuck?

250
00:13:02,783 --> 00:13:04,084
I apologize
for my wardrobe.

251
00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:05,886
I just came from
a costume ball.

252
00:13:05,986 --> 00:13:08,155
Listen, Doc,
I'm okay. I just...

253
00:13:08,255 --> 00:13:10,124
I can't catch
my breath is all.

254
00:13:10,224 --> 00:13:11,825
On a scale
of one to ten,

255
00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:12,993
how bad would you say
your pain level is?

256
00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:13,961
My pain level?

257
00:13:14,061 --> 00:13:15,396
Like a negative three.

258
00:13:15,496 --> 00:13:17,031
Well, you're
doing it
all wrong.

259
00:13:17,131 --> 00:13:18,332
You're supposed to be
in a lot of pain

260
00:13:18,432 --> 00:13:20,034
when you have
a heart attack.

261
00:13:20,134 --> 00:13:21,770
Wait a minute.
I had a heart attack?

262
00:13:21,869 --> 00:13:23,237
No, that's not
what I said.

263
00:13:23,337 --> 00:13:24,805
You misunderstood me.
Oh, thank Christ.

264
00:13:24,905 --> 00:13:25,973
You're having
a heart attack

265
00:13:26,073 --> 00:13:27,908
right now
as we speak,

266
00:13:28,008 --> 00:13:30,444
a massive one,
so we have to act
pretty quickly.

267
00:13:30,545 --> 00:13:32,614
I just wish
I wasn't
so hung over.

268
00:13:32,714 --> 00:13:34,649
I'm kidding.

269
00:13:34,749 --> 00:13:36,417
I'm gonna go
get all glammed up

270
00:13:36,518 --> 00:13:38,018
for our big date
and I'll see you
in the OR.

271
00:13:38,118 --> 00:13:39,486
Look at me.
Uh-huh.

272
00:13:39,587 --> 00:13:40,888
Everything's gonna
be fine, all right?

273
00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:42,056
Good. All right.

274
00:13:42,156 --> 00:13:43,924
He's not
gonna make it.

275
00:13:44,024 --> 00:13:46,160
Jesus, could someone
page the <i>Good Witch?</i>

276
00:13:46,260 --> 00:13:48,295
What's next,
a fucking Munchkin?

277
00:13:48,395 --> 00:13:51,633
Shave and a haircut
two bits.

278
00:13:51,733 --> 00:13:54,368
Shave and a haircut
two bits.

279
00:13:55,637 --> 00:13:57,539
I see that you met
Dr. Ladenheim.

280
00:13:57,639 --> 00:14:01,543
And she wants me to
prep you for surgery.

281
00:14:01,643 --> 00:14:05,112
Surgery? No.
The doctor just said
I'm going to the OR.

282
00:14:05,212 --> 00:14:07,348
Right! Which is short
for operating room

283
00:14:07,448 --> 00:14:10,284
where they do...
Ding, ding, ding,
surgery!

284
00:14:10,384 --> 00:14:12,152
She gotta get
into your heart.

285
00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:14,188
Uh, is the doctor
gonna crack
his chest open?

286
00:14:14,288 --> 00:14:16,190
Fuck.
No, no, no.

287
00:14:16,290 --> 00:14:17,891
She's gonna thread
a camera through
his femoral artery

288
00:14:17,991 --> 00:14:20,427
up to his ticker
through a very
small incision.

289
00:14:20,528 --> 00:14:22,496
Where does
she make this incision?

290
00:14:22,597 --> 00:14:23,565
In the groin.

291
00:14:23,665 --> 00:14:25,366
The groin?
Come on.

292
00:14:25,466 --> 00:14:27,000
So I gotta shave you.

293
00:14:27,101 --> 00:14:28,703
Or I get
to shave you,

294
00:14:28,803 --> 00:14:31,539
depending on how much
you love your job
and I love mine.

295
00:14:31,639 --> 00:14:35,442
So, as the wife
says at 10:00 p.m.
after <i>Dateline,</i>

296
00:14:35,543 --> 00:14:36,944
every single week,

297
00:14:37,846 --> 00:14:39,446
take off your pants.

298
00:14:48,523 --> 00:14:52,059
I gotta shave
your groin, sir,
so underwear too.

299
00:14:52,159 --> 00:14:54,261
First, can we
establish geography?

300
00:14:54,361 --> 00:14:56,196
Like, where is
the groin to you?

301
00:14:56,997 --> 00:14:58,899
Where's the groin
to me?

302
00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:00,568
What is this,
a metaphysical question?

303
00:15:00,668 --> 00:15:02,804
We're running
out of time here
to save your life.

304
00:15:02,903 --> 00:15:03,904
So come on,
let's go.

305
00:15:06,140 --> 00:15:07,941
Can you avert
your eyes,
block your ears

306
00:15:08,041 --> 00:15:09,577
and sing something,
please?

307
00:15:09,677 --> 00:15:11,880
Oh, for God sakes.
What do you
want me to sing?

308
00:15:11,979 --> 00:15:13,313
Not you, him.
Oh, right.

309
00:15:13,414 --> 00:15:15,082
All right,
here's the deal,

310
00:15:15,182 --> 00:15:15,717
<i>Nurse Jackie.</i>

311
00:15:15,817 --> 00:15:17,251
Mmm.

312
00:15:17,351 --> 00:15:19,286
I got a really
small dick, okay?

313
00:15:19,386 --> 00:15:22,356
I promise you,
it's nothing
I've not seen before

314
00:15:22,456 --> 00:15:24,826
because I work
in pediatrics.

315
00:15:24,925 --> 00:15:26,393
If I take off
my underwear,

316
00:15:26,493 --> 00:15:28,830
everyone in the ER is
gonna see my little dick

317
00:15:28,929 --> 00:15:30,532
including my
friend here,

318
00:15:30,632 --> 00:15:32,299
who thinks I got
a giant cock 'cause
I've been lying to him

319
00:15:32,399 --> 00:15:34,301
about it since
we were 12.

320
00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:36,236
Is this a long
fable, Aesop?

321
00:15:36,336 --> 00:15:37,471
I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do,

322
00:15:37,572 --> 00:15:39,574
give you a little
more privacy...

323
00:15:39,674 --> 00:15:41,709
There you go.
Oh, thanks for that.

324
00:15:43,578 --> 00:15:45,547
Unfortunately,
this is as far
as you can go

325
00:15:45,647 --> 00:15:48,716
but we do have a waiting
room that's right
down this hall.

326
00:15:50,350 --> 00:15:52,019
I'll be right here
when you get out, man.

327
00:15:53,053 --> 00:15:54,188
You got this.

328
00:16:04,532 --> 00:16:09,102
<i>♪ You got an idea</i>
<i>We can rock the night</i>

329
00:16:09,203 --> 00:16:11,104
We've got a female
with multiple

330
00:16:11,205 --> 00:16:12,807
C-spine complications,
internal bleeding

331
00:16:12,907 --> 00:16:14,141
and multiple
lacerations.

332
00:16:14,241 --> 00:16:16,511
Blood pressure,
100 over seven...

333
00:16:16,611 --> 00:16:20,214
<i>♪ Let's both make a promise</i>
<i>That we can't say... ♪</i>

334
00:16:21,616 --> 00:16:23,785
- We're losing her.
- Starting CPR.

335
00:16:32,192 --> 00:16:33,728
Why has he still

336
00:16:33,828 --> 00:16:35,429
got his
underpants on?

337
00:16:35,530 --> 00:16:37,832
How am I supposed
to get to his
femoral artery

338
00:16:37,932 --> 00:16:39,333
if he's wearing
Squeezies?

339
00:16:39,433 --> 00:16:40,935
I told him,

340
00:16:41,034 --> 00:16:42,269
but he's got some
body shame issues.

341
00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:43,505
Look, Doc,

342
00:16:43,605 --> 00:16:44,973
I got a really
small dick.

343
00:16:45,072 --> 00:16:46,574
I'm trying
to save your life

344
00:16:46,674 --> 00:16:48,041
and you're worried
about your
little dick?

345
00:16:48,141 --> 00:16:48,810
We don't have
time for this.

346
00:16:48,910 --> 00:16:50,277
Whoa!

347
00:16:50,377 --> 00:16:54,047
This is all
my fault.

348
00:16:54,147 --> 00:16:56,116
No, it is not, Elias.

349
00:16:56,216 --> 00:16:59,453
I prayed to God
to smite Randal

350
00:16:59,554 --> 00:17:03,892
so Jesus
attacked his heart
at my command.

351
00:17:05,593 --> 00:17:08,028
Randal's mother
had heart
trouble, too.

352
00:17:08,128 --> 00:17:10,999
No,
I gotta make
Jesus reverse this.

353
00:17:11,098 --> 00:17:12,867
Pray with me,
Mr. Dante.

354
00:17:14,636 --> 00:17:19,106
Oh, my sweet savior,
hear your
gentle servant.

355
00:17:19,206 --> 00:17:22,209
Spare the heretic
I damned in jest.

356
00:17:22,309 --> 00:17:25,078
Remember the words
of the good thief.

357
00:17:25,178 --> 00:17:27,347
Jesus did no wrong,

358
00:17:27,447 --> 00:17:30,618
whereas we are
but thieves.

359
00:17:31,719 --> 00:17:34,454
A-ha.
What's up, Doc?

360
00:17:34,556 --> 00:17:37,157
I can tell by your
very subtle tattoo

361
00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:38,425
that you're
a superhero fan,

362
00:17:38,526 --> 00:17:39,928
so you might
appreciate this.

363
00:17:40,028 --> 00:17:41,228
Uh-huh.
You know,

364
00:17:41,328 --> 00:17:42,830
they have a name
for the type

365
00:17:42,931 --> 00:17:44,032
of heart attack
you're having
right now.

366
00:17:44,131 --> 00:17:45,533
Really? Okay.

367
00:17:45,633 --> 00:17:47,535
They call it
the Widow-Maker.

368
00:17:47,635 --> 00:17:49,704
Now, doesn't
that sound like
some bad guy

369
00:17:49,804 --> 00:17:52,105
that <i>Ranger Danger</i>
has to fight?

370
00:17:52,205 --> 00:17:54,274
Why do they call it
the Widow-Maker?

371
00:17:54,374 --> 00:17:56,076
Because in 80%
of the cases

372
00:17:56,176 --> 00:17:58,713
when there's 100%
occlusion like what
you have now?

373
00:17:58,813 --> 00:18:01,883
Hands down,
patient always
dies, always.

374
00:18:01,983 --> 00:18:03,518
Oh, fuck.

375
00:18:03,618 --> 00:18:05,352
But don't worry,
you're gonna
be in the 20%

376
00:18:05,452 --> 00:18:07,889
because keeping
you alive is good
for my brand.

377
00:18:07,989 --> 00:18:09,624
Now, if you
excuse me,

378
00:18:09,724 --> 00:18:11,859
I'm gonna go fool around
in your little crotch

379
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:13,528
and I'm gonna make
a little magic,

380
00:18:13,628 --> 00:18:15,597
but I could use
all the help
that we can get.

381
00:18:15,697 --> 00:18:17,230
So, if you remember
any prayers

382
00:18:17,331 --> 00:18:19,132
from when you
were a kid,

383
00:18:19,232 --> 00:18:20,334
now would be
a terrific time
to dust those off.

384
00:18:22,369 --> 00:18:24,806
Are you there, Crom?

385
00:18:24,906 --> 00:18:26,574
It's me, Randal.

386
00:18:26,674 --> 00:18:28,843
<i>Please don't let me die.</i>

387
00:18:31,178 --> 00:18:32,580
He won't answer me.

388
00:18:35,016 --> 00:18:36,618
After all this time...

389
00:18:37,552 --> 00:18:40,253
devoting my life
to God.

390
00:18:40,354 --> 00:18:43,625
Jesus has abandoned
all of us at QuickStop.

391
00:18:43,725 --> 00:18:46,928
I think Jesus
was always more
of a Wawa guy.

392
00:18:47,028 --> 00:18:50,497
Yeah, well,
you know what I think?

393
00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:55,235
I think I wasted
my life believing
in bullshit.

394
00:18:55,335 --> 00:18:56,738
I've been conned.

395
00:18:56,838 --> 00:18:59,874
Fairy tales, faith
and pledging fealty

396
00:18:59,974 --> 00:19:03,745
to a fictional
fucking phantom.
And for what?

397
00:19:03,845 --> 00:19:05,913
In my darkest hour
when I need him most,

398
00:19:06,014 --> 00:19:08,583
the Lord totally
ghosts me.

399
00:19:10,685 --> 00:19:14,154
Well, to hell
with all that
made up Jesus jive.

400
00:19:16,991 --> 00:19:20,160
Save Randal
this night,

401
00:19:20,260 --> 00:19:22,730
and I will swear
my soul to you,

402
00:19:23,363 --> 00:19:25,767
oh, sweet Satan.

403
00:19:25,867 --> 00:19:27,434
Satan? Oh,
buddy, no.

404
00:19:27,535 --> 00:19:31,204
I mean, isn't he kind
of like the Optimus
Prime of evil?

405
00:19:31,304 --> 00:19:33,173
You don't have to
condescend to me.

406
00:19:33,273 --> 00:19:34,942
You can just
say Megatron.

407
00:19:35,043 --> 00:19:37,578
I'm kind of
a <i>Transformers    </i> virgin.

408
00:19:38,211 --> 00:19:39,981
Well,

409
00:19:40,081 --> 00:19:41,849
I'm an actual
virgin,

410
00:19:41,949 --> 00:19:44,217
so I know Satan's
gonna want my soul.

411
00:19:44,317 --> 00:19:46,754
For what?
Evil.

412
00:19:48,122 --> 00:19:50,692
And butt
sex probably.

413
00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:54,829
Do you have any lube?
Are you...

414
00:19:54,929 --> 00:19:56,263
No!

415
00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:58,365
I don't
deserve lube!

416
00:19:58,465 --> 00:20:00,300
Take me, Satan!

417
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:01,769
Jesus! Pull up
your pants.

418
00:20:01,869 --> 00:20:03,504
Make me
your concubine!
Jesus...

419
00:20:03,604 --> 00:20:05,006
Pull up your pants.
No, stop it.

420
00:20:05,106 --> 00:20:06,541
I have
to fuck Satan.

421
00:20:06,641 --> 00:20:10,111
And that's when,
I shit you not,

422
00:20:10,210 --> 00:20:13,346
Luke fuckin' Skywalker
shows up.

423
00:20:13,447 --> 00:20:14,949
Uh-huh.
And I'm talking about

424
00:20:15,049 --> 00:20:17,985
the young, fuckable Luke
from <i>Return of the Jedi,</i>

425
00:20:18,086 --> 00:20:20,722
not the <i>Gran Torino,</i>
"Get off my lawn"

426
00:20:20,822 --> 00:20:23,390
- Luke from <i>The Last Jedi.</i>
- Okay.

427
00:20:23,490 --> 00:20:25,258
Quick heart update,
Mr. Graves.

428
00:20:25,358 --> 00:20:27,327
Uh-huh.
During your thorough

429
00:20:27,427 --> 00:20:29,097
retelling of
<i>The Star Wars Show...</i>

430
00:20:29,197 --> 00:20:30,798
<i>The Mandalorian,</i>
season two.

431
00:20:30,898 --> 00:20:32,734
...I was able to get
the stent in place.

432
00:20:32,834 --> 00:20:34,535
So this is where
I need your help now.

433
00:20:34,635 --> 00:20:36,303
I'm gonna open this stent
and all you have to do

434
00:20:36,403 --> 00:20:37,705
is tell me
when you feel

435
00:20:37,805 --> 00:20:39,507
the pressure lets up.
All right?

436
00:20:39,607 --> 00:20:41,408
Let's do this, McDreamy.

437
00:20:41,509 --> 00:20:43,044
"This is The Way."

438
00:20:43,144 --> 00:20:44,579
The way to what?

439
00:20:44,679 --> 00:20:47,215
Oh, that's a saying
from <i>The Mandalorian.</i>

440
00:20:47,314 --> 00:20:49,717
Huh?
<i>The Star Wars Show.</i>

441
00:20:49,817 --> 00:20:51,519
Okay, listen,
we need to hit pause

442
00:20:51,619 --> 00:20:53,320
on all your pop culture
references for a minute

443
00:20:53,420 --> 00:20:56,090
just until we open
the stent on three.

444
00:20:56,190 --> 00:20:58,826
One, two, three!

445
00:20:59,326 --> 00:21:00,561
Oh!

446
00:21:00,661 --> 00:21:04,732
Holy shit, I can
fucking breathe again.

447
00:21:04,832 --> 00:21:06,567
Does this mean
I'm gonna live now?

448
00:21:06,667 --> 00:21:08,703
Yes, because
I'm an amazing doctor.

449
00:21:08,803 --> 00:21:11,606
You're a better doctor
than Doctor Strange

450
00:21:11,706 --> 00:21:14,709
and Doctor Zaius
combined.
Doctor who?

451
00:21:14,809 --> 00:21:16,677
Oh, no, I don't
watch that show,

452
00:21:16,778 --> 00:21:20,715
but I might start now
because I'm fucking alive.

453
00:21:22,016 --> 00:21:24,185
<i>"Mazel tov!"</i>
As the Chinese say.

454
00:21:24,284 --> 00:21:25,520
Thank you, Doctor.

455
00:21:25,620 --> 00:21:27,989
Thank you for
saving my life.

456
00:21:28,089 --> 00:21:30,958
You're like the Batman
of heart surgery.

457
00:21:31,058 --> 00:21:32,392
Yeah?

458
00:21:32,492 --> 00:21:33,661
With great power

459
00:21:33,761 --> 00:21:35,062
comes great
responsibility.

460
00:21:35,163 --> 00:21:36,764
What the fuck
was that?

461
00:21:40,067 --> 00:21:41,936
- You're alive!
- You're alive!

462
00:21:42,036 --> 00:21:44,337
Are you okay?
If that was
a heart attack,

463
00:21:44,437 --> 00:21:47,542
I'll take another one.
That shit was easy.

464
00:21:47,642 --> 00:21:50,443
Okay, you must be
on a lot of drugs
right now.

465
00:21:50,545 --> 00:21:52,479
No, they didn't
give me
nothing in there.

466
00:21:52,580 --> 00:21:54,148
I had to do
the whole
thing sober.

467
00:21:54,248 --> 00:21:57,051
He's high as a kite
on fentanyl.

468
00:21:57,151 --> 00:21:59,687
Kite imagery,
very cool.

469
00:21:59,787 --> 00:22:02,355
See, Randal,
kites are in the air.

470
00:22:02,455 --> 00:22:03,925
Stop with the
fucking kites.

471
00:22:04,025 --> 00:22:05,526
One more thing,
Mr. Graves,

472
00:22:05,626 --> 00:22:08,495
since you were really
preoccupied about it,

473
00:22:08,596 --> 00:22:12,767
so much so that
you wasted time
and nearly died,

474
00:22:12,867 --> 00:22:14,702
your penis is not
that small.

475
00:22:14,802 --> 00:22:16,904
It's not that big,
but it's not that small.

476
00:22:17,004 --> 00:22:19,941
That's the best
news I heard all day.

477
00:22:24,612 --> 00:22:26,047
Is he gonna
be okay?

478
00:22:26,147 --> 00:22:27,315
How do I help?

479
00:22:27,414 --> 00:22:28,749
Well, if you care
about him,

480
00:22:28,850 --> 00:22:30,818
you'll jam a vegetable
down his throat.

481
00:22:30,918 --> 00:22:33,321
The guy's got more
cholesterol in his
arteries than blood.

482
00:22:33,453 --> 00:22:35,857
Got it. From now on,
I'm only gonna
order him food

483
00:22:35,957 --> 00:22:37,457
off the vegan
menu at Mooby's.

484
00:22:37,558 --> 00:22:39,293
Him and you.
Me?

485
00:22:39,392 --> 00:22:40,595
If you're around
his age

486
00:22:40,695 --> 00:22:42,395
and eat the same diet
as your friend,

487
00:22:42,495 --> 00:22:44,464
you might wanna get
your heart checked out, too.

488
00:22:44,565 --> 00:22:46,267
Will do.

489
00:22:46,366 --> 00:22:47,668
But here's something
I want you to keep

490
00:22:47,768 --> 00:22:49,737
an eye out for
as regards to Randal.

491
00:22:49,837 --> 00:22:51,005
Okay.

492
00:22:51,105 --> 00:22:53,341
Middle-aged men tend to
go through a depression

493
00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:55,042
after they've had
a heart attack.

494
00:22:55,142 --> 00:22:57,078
Now your friend might
sound or act differently
now because

495
00:22:57,178 --> 00:22:59,647
he's come face to face
with his own mortality.

496
00:22:59,747 --> 00:23:02,216
So, for the next
few months,

497
00:23:02,316 --> 00:23:04,318
do whatever
you can do

498
00:23:04,417 --> 00:23:07,387
to help Randal
keep his spirits up.

499
00:23:07,487 --> 00:23:08,689
All right?

500
00:23:08,789 --> 00:23:10,992
Now, my bill
is in the mail.

501
00:23:15,796 --> 00:23:17,397
Judgy.

502
00:23:17,497 --> 00:23:18,833
<i>♪ Whatever it takes</i>

503
00:23:20,701 --> 00:23:22,870
<i>♪ I know I can make it</i>

504
00:23:25,072 --> 00:23:27,541
<i>♪ I know</i>
<i>I can make it through</i>

505
00:23:33,347 --> 00:23:35,182
I brought you a hat.

506
00:23:35,283 --> 00:23:36,751
Yeah. Thanks.

507
00:23:38,386 --> 00:23:39,520
I can't believe
you're still awake

508
00:23:39,620 --> 00:23:40,988
after the day
you've been through.

509
00:23:41,088 --> 00:23:43,925
Yeah, I can't sleep.

510
00:23:45,425 --> 00:23:46,894
There was only
a 20% chance

511
00:23:46,994 --> 00:23:50,197
I was gonna make it out
of that OR alive tonight.

512
00:23:50,298 --> 00:23:52,133
Hmm. Is that right?

513
00:23:52,233 --> 00:23:54,969
I mean, I figure I got
a 50-50 chance of dying

514
00:23:55,069 --> 00:23:57,038
any time I leave
my apartment.

515
00:23:57,905 --> 00:23:59,840
But today,

516
00:23:59,941 --> 00:24:03,644
there was an 80% chance
everything for me

517
00:24:03,744 --> 00:24:05,613
was just gonna stop.

518
00:24:06,814 --> 00:24:08,716
There was an 80% chance

519
00:24:08,816 --> 00:24:10,685
you and I were never
gonna talk about
<i>Star Wars</i> again.

520
00:24:12,386 --> 00:24:13,754
There was
an 80% chance

521
00:24:13,854 --> 00:24:15,455
I would never know
for a medical fact,

522
00:24:15,556 --> 00:24:17,858
I got a normal-sized dick.

523
00:24:17,959 --> 00:24:19,660
You always said
it was huge.

524
00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:21,128
I was gonna miss
a lot of shit

525
00:24:21,228 --> 00:24:23,531
if you didn't call
that ambulance today.

526
00:24:25,299 --> 00:24:27,234
You saved
my life, man.

527
00:24:27,335 --> 00:24:28,836
Oh.

528
00:24:28,936 --> 00:24:31,572
I wish I had a life
worth fucking saving.

529
00:24:31,672 --> 00:24:32,673
Come on, man.

530
00:24:32,773 --> 00:24:35,109
What are you
talking about?

531
00:24:35,209 --> 00:24:36,377
When I was lying there,

532
00:24:36,476 --> 00:24:39,080
wondering if
I was gonna die,

533
00:24:39,180 --> 00:24:42,950
I saw the whole
movie of my life
flash before my eyes.

534
00:24:44,552 --> 00:24:45,920
You know what?

535
00:24:46,687 --> 00:24:48,689
It sucked.

536
00:24:50,324 --> 00:24:53,594
I always thought,
hoped...

537
00:24:53,694 --> 00:24:57,665
that my life
was building
towards something.

538
00:24:57,765 --> 00:24:59,900
Turns out it was
just the hospital.

539
00:25:00,001 --> 00:25:01,202
What are you
talking about?

540
00:25:01,302 --> 00:25:03,304
We built our
own business.

541
00:25:03,404 --> 00:25:05,973
So I co-own
a convenience
store. Big deal.

542
00:25:06,073 --> 00:25:08,776
I never went anywhere
outside of Jersey.

543
00:25:08,876 --> 00:25:10,978
I never fell
in love like you.

544
00:25:11,078 --> 00:25:12,780
If I'd have
dropped dead tonight,

545
00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:15,916
only you and Elias would
remember I even existed.

546
00:25:16,017 --> 00:25:19,954
I mean, look
at me, man,
I'm almost 50.

547
00:25:20,054 --> 00:25:21,756
I sit around
and watch the same

548
00:25:21,856 --> 00:25:23,891
stupid movies
over and over.

549
00:25:25,693 --> 00:25:27,862
The fuck is
wrong with me?

550
00:25:28,496 --> 00:25:30,531
I don't know.

551
00:25:30,631 --> 00:25:32,199
You know so much
about all that stuff.

552
00:25:32,299 --> 00:25:34,602
I always thought you could
have made a cool movie.

553
00:25:42,376 --> 00:25:43,811
Holy shit.

554
00:25:44,678 --> 00:25:45,946
You're right.

555
00:25:49,216 --> 00:25:51,786
I could make
a pretty cool movie.

556
00:25:51,886 --> 00:25:54,355
I've been
watching movies
all my life,

557
00:25:54,455 --> 00:25:56,257
I've seen all
these people
tell their stories

558
00:25:56,357 --> 00:25:59,126
and never once
thought about
trying to tell mine.

559
00:25:59,226 --> 00:26:00,561
Well, fuck
that, man.

560
00:26:00,661 --> 00:26:02,163
Since I almost
died tonight,

561
00:26:02,263 --> 00:26:04,732
now I know I'm living
on borrowed time.

562
00:26:04,832 --> 00:26:06,767
So, no more
watching movies

563
00:26:06,867 --> 00:26:08,736
because when
I get out of here...

564
00:26:10,004 --> 00:26:12,740
I'm gonna make
a movie!

565
00:26:19,180 --> 00:26:20,381
A movie?

566
00:26:20,481 --> 00:26:22,149
Don't you have to go to
film school or something?

567
00:26:22,249 --> 00:26:25,886
It's like 75 G's a year
to go to NYU Film School.

568
00:26:25,986 --> 00:26:28,523
And you know what
those kids pay
all that money for?

569
00:26:28,622 --> 00:26:30,858
I don't know.
To watch movies.

570
00:26:30,958 --> 00:26:33,861
I worked in a video
store for 20 years

571
00:26:33,961 --> 00:26:36,163
where I sat around
and watched
movies all day, too.

572
00:26:36,263 --> 00:26:39,834
So basically,
I went to my own
film school.

573
00:26:39,934 --> 00:26:42,903
Just because you've seen
every movie ever made,

574
00:26:43,003 --> 00:26:45,106
doesn't mean you can make
any kind of movie at all.

575
00:26:45,206 --> 00:26:47,108
Tell that
to Quentin Tarantino.

576
00:26:47,208 --> 00:26:49,210
Oh, now you're
Quentin Tarantino?

577
00:26:49,310 --> 00:26:52,980
I'm not saying
I'm gonna make
a movie as good as him,

578
00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:54,782
but I'm not good
at sex either,

579
00:26:54,882 --> 00:26:56,484
and that doesn't stop me
from trying to get laid.

580
00:27:05,626 --> 00:27:07,261
You wanna
shoot a movie here,

581
00:27:07,361 --> 00:27:08,996
at the QuickStop?

582
00:27:09,096 --> 00:27:10,965
Yeah, I've seen
convenience stores
in flicks before,

583
00:27:11,065 --> 00:27:13,000
but I've never seen
an entire flick

584
00:27:13,100 --> 00:27:14,735
set in
a convenience store.

585
00:27:14,835 --> 00:27:16,403
Because who would
wanna watch that?

586
00:27:16,505 --> 00:27:18,739
I mean, it's my life
and I barely
wanna live it.

587
00:27:18,839 --> 00:27:21,408
This movie's meant
to memorialize
my life.

588
00:27:21,510 --> 00:27:22,810
And since
I spent the last

589
00:27:22,910 --> 00:27:24,178
30 years of my life
working here...

590
00:27:24,278 --> 00:27:25,846
Oh. Working?

591
00:27:25,946 --> 00:27:27,982
I got plenty of
convenience stories

592
00:27:28,082 --> 00:27:29,783
to put into
a screenplay.

593
00:27:29,884 --> 00:27:31,752
<i>Convenience Stories.</i>
Good title.

594
00:27:31,852 --> 00:27:33,555
Well, what kind of
convenience stories

595
00:27:33,687 --> 00:27:35,022
are we talking
about here?

596
00:27:35,122 --> 00:27:37,057
Remember the time
we went to

597
00:27:37,158 --> 00:27:39,793
Julie Dwyer's funeral
and you knocked
the casket over?

598
00:27:39,894 --> 00:27:41,829
You knocked
the casket over.

599
00:27:42,597 --> 00:27:43,697
I did?

600
00:27:43,797 --> 00:27:45,466
Well, that's
a scene now.

601
00:27:45,567 --> 00:27:47,134
Or how about the time
the old guy
was jerking off

602
00:27:47,234 --> 00:27:48,936
in the bathroom
and dropped dead?

603
00:27:49,036 --> 00:27:50,804
That's totally
a scene, man.

604
00:27:50,905 --> 00:27:52,607
I mean, all the shit
you and I have said

605
00:27:52,706 --> 00:27:53,908
sitting at
this counter,

606
00:27:54,008 --> 00:27:55,442
these are all
scenes now, man.

607
00:27:55,544 --> 00:27:57,077
How about the time
you burned
the store down?

608
00:27:57,178 --> 00:27:58,779
Is that gonna
be a scene?

609
00:27:58,879 --> 00:27:59,980
I'm still pretty sure
terrorists did that.

610
00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:01,282
Uh-huh.

611
00:28:02,716 --> 00:28:03,684
Hey, hey!

612
00:28:03,784 --> 00:28:05,352
Motley Crewneck.

613
00:28:06,887 --> 00:28:08,923
Anyone in your
Christian Crypto Club

614
00:28:09,023 --> 00:28:11,859
got a non-crypto camera
we can borrow?

615
00:28:11,959 --> 00:28:13,628
It's called
the Crimson
Crypto Club now.

616
00:28:13,727 --> 00:28:16,197
Our first drops
gonna be all
crypto kites.

617
00:28:16,297 --> 00:28:18,065
Oh, put that
shit away,
Elon Muskrat.

618
00:28:18,165 --> 00:28:19,833
What do you guys
need a camera for?

619
00:28:19,934 --> 00:28:22,136
Mmm.
Randal wants
to make a movie.

620
00:28:22,236 --> 00:28:23,804
Ooh, like
a pornography movie?

621
00:28:23,904 --> 00:28:25,706
No, like
a movie-movie,

622
00:28:25,806 --> 00:28:27,908
one with actors
and a screenplay

623
00:28:28,008 --> 00:28:29,710
and Crafty.

624
00:28:29,810 --> 00:28:31,111
What's Crafty?

625
00:28:31,212 --> 00:28:32,746
That's where the,
uh, crew hangs out

626
00:28:32,846 --> 00:28:34,014
and practices
witchcraft,

627
00:28:34,114 --> 00:28:35,916
you little
devil worshipper.

628
00:28:36,483 --> 00:28:37,851
Cool.

629
00:28:37,952 --> 00:28:40,589
Crafty is where
you find all
the food on set.

630
00:28:40,689 --> 00:28:41,822
But if you're
shooting in here,

631
00:28:41,922 --> 00:28:43,692
I guess the whole
store's Crafty.

632
00:28:43,791 --> 00:28:45,359
What's the movie
gonna be about?

633
00:28:45,459 --> 00:28:46,927
Mmm, it's gonna
be about an hour
and a half.

634
00:28:47,027 --> 00:28:48,530
I hate long movies.

635
00:28:48,630 --> 00:28:50,998
It's about him
working here.
Wow.

636
00:28:51,098 --> 00:28:53,067
Meta. Never seen
a whole movie

637
00:28:53,167 --> 00:28:54,735
set in
a convenience
store before.

638
00:28:54,835 --> 00:28:56,571
Right? Thank you.

639
00:28:56,671 --> 00:28:58,607
I'm gonna fill
the script with
all the weird shit

640
00:28:58,707 --> 00:28:59,773
me and Dante
have ever said

641
00:28:59,873 --> 00:29:00,908
or seen around here

642
00:29:01,008 --> 00:29:02,376
over the years.
Oh.

643
00:29:02,476 --> 00:29:03,877
You should put
in that stuff
you used to say

644
00:29:03,978 --> 00:29:05,379
about the Death Star
contractors.

645
00:29:05,479 --> 00:29:08,148
Get sued by Disney?
Fuck that.

646
00:29:08,249 --> 00:29:10,217
Besides, I don't want
this movie to be about

647
00:29:10,317 --> 00:29:12,319
other movies.
I want it to
be about me.

648
00:29:12,419 --> 00:29:14,088
It's my flick,
so I wanna write about

649
00:29:14,188 --> 00:29:15,724
the things that I do.

650
00:29:15,823 --> 00:29:18,158
Like, um, like how
we play hockey
on the rooftop.

651
00:29:18,259 --> 00:29:20,828
I've never seen
that done in a movie
or a TV show,

652
00:29:20,928 --> 00:29:23,197
even though
it's just
fucking practical.

653
00:29:23,297 --> 00:29:24,865
Remember
that fight

654
00:29:24,965 --> 00:29:26,000
where I hit you
in the face
with the bread?

655
00:29:26,100 --> 00:29:27,602
Ooh, that could
be a scene.

656
00:29:27,702 --> 00:29:29,504
Or the time
I spit water
on that old guy?

657
00:29:29,604 --> 00:29:31,939
That's, like,
the fucking
opening scene.

658
00:29:32,039 --> 00:29:33,608
Ooh, I got an idea.

659
00:29:33,708 --> 00:29:35,409
Maybe Jay and
Silent Bob
could be characters.

660
00:29:35,510 --> 00:29:37,945
That is the
dumbest idea
I've ever heard.

661
00:29:38,045 --> 00:29:39,280
Well,
you're still
gonna have

662
00:29:39,380 --> 00:29:40,848
to get them involved
if you wanna set

663
00:29:40,948 --> 00:29:42,383
any of the scenes
in your old video store.

664
00:29:42,483 --> 00:29:44,285
All right.
Watch the
register, dawg.

665
00:29:44,385 --> 00:29:47,054
We got to go talk
to the Warner
Brothers.

666
00:29:48,389 --> 00:29:50,791
What the fuck, man?
We heard you died.

667
00:29:50,891 --> 00:29:52,661
Almost.
What happened

668
00:29:52,761 --> 00:29:54,663
is I was taking a shit
in the high grass

669
00:29:54,763 --> 00:29:55,863
when a rattlesnake
came up

670
00:29:55,963 --> 00:29:57,798
and bit me right
on the asshole.

671
00:29:57,898 --> 00:29:59,900
But like the good
friend he is,

672
00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:02,202
Dante sucked
the poison out.

673
00:30:02,303 --> 00:30:05,105
See? It happened
to them, too, man.

674
00:30:05,205 --> 00:30:07,007
Well, listen,
when we thought
you were dead, man,

675
00:30:07,107 --> 00:30:09,143
I felt really,
really bad

676
00:30:09,243 --> 00:30:10,779
'cause in all the time
I've been hanging out

677
00:30:10,878 --> 00:30:12,212
in front of this
store and stuff,

678
00:30:12,313 --> 00:30:14,448
I forgot to give
you something.

679
00:30:23,824 --> 00:30:25,292
<i>Dental School?</i>

680
00:30:25,392 --> 00:30:28,896
Me and Veggie Dick
rented that shit
in 1994,

681
00:30:28,996 --> 00:30:30,397
but we never
watched it

682
00:30:30,497 --> 00:30:32,900
'cause we didn't
have a VCR.

683
00:30:33,000 --> 00:30:35,102
But now,
you can put it
on the shelf

684
00:30:35,202 --> 00:30:37,471
in the video store.
Oh, yeah.

685
00:30:37,572 --> 00:30:40,542
Uh, the video
store closed
ten years ago.

686
00:30:42,443 --> 00:30:43,712
It did?

687
00:30:43,812 --> 00:30:46,013
This was the
video store.

688
00:30:51,218 --> 00:30:52,787
Oh, yeah,
I'm getting senile

689
00:30:52,886 --> 00:30:54,421
and shit right there,
you know?

690
00:30:54,522 --> 00:30:57,458
So listen,
how much we owe
you for late fees?

691
00:30:57,559 --> 00:31:02,764
Uh, well,
let's see, a dollar
a day for what,

692
00:31:02,863 --> 00:31:06,066
26, 28 years?

693
00:31:06,166 --> 00:31:12,172
That's, like,
approximately...
$10,220.

694
00:31:13,941 --> 00:31:15,376
Oh, didn't rewind.

695
00:31:16,210 --> 00:31:20,013
$10,220 and 50 cents.

696
00:31:21,750 --> 00:31:23,618
You take crypto?

697
00:31:23,718 --> 00:31:25,185
You guys got crypto?

698
00:31:26,855 --> 00:31:27,988
No.

699
00:31:28,088 --> 00:31:29,356
If you never
watched it,

700
00:31:29,456 --> 00:31:31,191
why was it
not rewound?
Yeah.

701
00:31:31,291 --> 00:31:33,528
Hey, asshole,
I said we didn't
have a VCR.

702
00:31:33,628 --> 00:31:36,397
We watched it.
We held it up
to the light.

703
00:31:37,264 --> 00:31:38,533
Fucking Luddite.

704
00:31:38,633 --> 00:31:40,635
Listen, we'll squash
your giant late fees

705
00:31:40,735 --> 00:31:43,805
on the 28-year-old copy
of <i>Dental School</i>

706
00:31:43,904 --> 00:31:45,239
if you let us shoot
a movie in here.

707
00:31:45,339 --> 00:31:47,675
Ooh, a pornography
movie?

708
00:31:47,776 --> 00:31:50,110
No, it's not
a porno movie.

709
00:31:50,210 --> 00:31:53,380
Sex sells, son,
and I'm always buying

710
00:31:53,480 --> 00:31:57,985
'cause I am
the Clit Commander!

711
00:31:58,085 --> 00:31:59,420
Snootchie Bootchies.

712
00:32:04,626 --> 00:32:06,927
<i>♪ I love nachos</i>

713
00:32:07,027 --> 00:32:09,463
<i>♪ Nachos from 7-Eleven</i>

714
00:32:09,564 --> 00:32:11,566
<i>♪ I know that</i>
<i>They're bad for me</i>

715
00:32:11,666 --> 00:32:14,669
<i>♪ When I eat them</i>
<i>I'm in heaven</i>

716
00:32:14,769 --> 00:32:16,871
<i>♪ 7-Eleven nachos!</i>

717
00:32:16,970 --> 00:32:19,206
<i>♪ 7-Eleven nachos!</i>

718
00:32:19,306 --> 00:32:21,576
<i>♪ 7-Eleven nachos!</i>

719
00:32:21,676 --> 00:32:25,012
<i>♪ Liquid toppings</i>
<i>Taste so good ♪</i>

720
00:32:29,784 --> 00:32:31,018
Goodnight.

721
00:32:31,619 --> 00:32:33,120
Thirty-seven?

722
00:32:37,090 --> 00:32:38,392
That's not
a scene, Randal.

723
00:32:38,492 --> 00:32:39,894
Stop writing it
right now.

724
00:32:39,993 --> 00:32:41,495
Thirty-seven cannot go
in your movie.

725
00:32:41,596 --> 00:32:44,264
Shut the fuck up.
It's nighttime!

726
00:32:48,803 --> 00:32:51,004
<i>"In Convenience"?</i>

727
00:32:51,104 --> 00:32:52,774
It's the story
of my life.

728
00:32:52,874 --> 00:32:54,876
Hundred and
sixty-eight pages
full of dick jokes,

729
00:32:54,975 --> 00:32:56,143
set in
a convenience store,

730
00:32:56,243 --> 00:32:57,978
written in one night.

731
00:32:58,078 --> 00:32:59,848
Maybe don't
tell people
that last part.

732
00:32:59,948 --> 00:33:02,483
I thought, you were
gonna call it
<i>"Convenience Stories."</i>

733
00:33:02,584 --> 00:33:04,886
Yeah, that
shit sounded
too precious.

734
00:33:04,985 --> 00:33:06,220
What am I,
Wes Anderson?

735
00:33:06,320 --> 00:33:07,789
Not based
on this script.

736
00:33:07,889 --> 00:33:09,256
"There is only
one return

737
00:33:09,356 --> 00:33:11,593
"and it ain't
of the King,
it's of the Jedi."

738
00:33:11,693 --> 00:33:13,227
- Hmm.
- Hey.

739
00:33:13,327 --> 00:33:14,729
You said that
same thing
about return

740
00:33:14,829 --> 00:33:16,497
the day that
guy threw up
in Mooby's

741
00:33:16,598 --> 00:33:18,232
and you made
me clean it.
Yeah.

742
00:33:18,332 --> 00:33:19,567
Everything
in the script
is something

743
00:33:19,667 --> 00:33:20,969
either me or someone
I know said,

744
00:33:21,068 --> 00:33:22,269
I just made up
new names.

745
00:33:22,369 --> 00:33:23,671
What am I,
some kind of writer?

746
00:33:23,771 --> 00:33:25,172
Ah, yes.

747
00:33:25,272 --> 00:33:26,941
Blockchain
would like
to understand

748
00:33:27,040 --> 00:33:29,243
why the two girls
are into this
"Dan-T" character

749
00:33:29,343 --> 00:33:31,546
when the Randy
character is
much funnier.

750
00:33:31,646 --> 00:33:33,146
Randy has been
asking himself

751
00:33:33,247 --> 00:33:34,716
the same question
his whole life.

752
00:33:34,816 --> 00:33:36,416
What's wrong
with Dan-T?

753
00:33:36,518 --> 00:33:38,753
Read his first scene
on page 37.

754
00:33:38,853 --> 00:33:40,287
Are you
kidding me?

755
00:33:40,387 --> 00:33:41,723
I'm in this
convenience store
way more than you,

756
00:33:41,823 --> 00:33:43,023
but I don't come
into your

757
00:33:43,123 --> 00:33:44,859
convenience store
movie 'til page 37?

758
00:33:44,959 --> 00:33:46,895
I had a lot of
exposition to do.

759
00:33:46,995 --> 00:33:48,428
"Enter Dan-T.

760
00:33:48,530 --> 00:33:50,999
"A hideous fuckin'
chud of a man."
What the fuck?

761
00:33:51,098 --> 00:33:53,166
Well,
maybe Dan-T's not you.

762
00:33:53,267 --> 00:33:54,569
Do you ever
think of that?

763
00:33:54,669 --> 00:33:56,871
"Dan-T's
hideous fuckin'
chud of a beard

764
00:33:56,971 --> 00:34:00,073
"doesn't suggest Tony
Stark so much as
a male crack whore

765
00:34:00,173 --> 00:34:01,809
"who is cosplaying
as Tony Stark."

766
00:34:01,910 --> 00:34:03,945
That's just
in the screen
direction.

767
00:34:04,044 --> 00:34:05,580
Nobody actually
calls Dan-T

768
00:34:05,680 --> 00:34:08,181
"a hideous
fuckin' chud."
To his face.

769
00:34:08,282 --> 00:34:09,383
I can't believe
you made me

770
00:34:09,483 --> 00:34:11,151
sign a non-disclosure
agreement,

771
00:34:11,251 --> 00:34:12,787
only to read that
I'm not even

772
00:34:12,887 --> 00:34:14,522
one of the main
characters in the
story of your life.

773
00:34:14,622 --> 00:34:16,123
I mean, I knew
I was never the Luke,

774
00:34:16,223 --> 00:34:17,559
but I thought
I was at least
the Han.

775
00:34:17,659 --> 00:34:19,259
Oh, come on,
I'm the Han

776
00:34:19,359 --> 00:34:20,394
and the Luke,
right?

777
00:34:20,494 --> 00:34:23,063
Then who am I,
the Chewie?

778
00:34:23,163 --> 00:34:24,766
I think Elias is more
the Chewie, no?

779
00:34:24,866 --> 00:34:26,801
Unless this is Empire
then I'm the Lando

780
00:34:26,901 --> 00:34:28,268
and he's the Lobot.

781
00:34:28,368 --> 00:34:29,671
I'm not even
the Lobot?

782
00:34:29,771 --> 00:34:31,171
Which one's Lobot?

783
00:34:31,271 --> 00:34:32,339
He's the one with
the headphones
who looks like

784
00:34:32,439 --> 00:34:33,608
a dad who's trying
to be a DJ.

785
00:34:33,708 --> 00:34:35,309
The bald fucker
from Bespin

786
00:34:35,409 --> 00:34:36,744
who never
says nothing
the whole movie.

787
00:34:36,844 --> 00:34:38,780
Wouldn't that make
Silent Bob the Lobot?

788
00:34:38,880 --> 00:34:42,449
No. Jay and Silent
Bob are clearly the
C-3PO and R2-D2.

789
00:34:42,550 --> 00:34:44,318
I mean, they've
been here since
the first movie,

790
00:34:44,418 --> 00:34:46,353
which was
the last time
they were cool,

791
00:34:46,453 --> 00:34:48,288
but they've been
with the franchise
so long

792
00:34:48,388 --> 00:34:49,557
they still give
them cameos

793
00:34:49,657 --> 00:34:51,124
and put them
on the lunchboxes.

794
00:34:51,224 --> 00:34:54,862
So if I'm not
Luke, Han,
Chewie, Lando,

795
00:34:54,963 --> 00:34:56,463
the droids
or the Lobot,

796
00:34:56,564 --> 00:34:58,265
then who the fuck
am I in your
<i>Star Wars,</i>

797
00:34:58,365 --> 00:35:00,267
Princess
fucking Leia?
No.

798
00:35:00,367 --> 00:35:01,736
You're the Dak.

799
00:35:01,836 --> 00:35:04,137
Who the fuck is Dak?

800
00:35:04,237 --> 00:35:05,673
He's Luke Skywalker's
tail gunner

801
00:35:05,773 --> 00:35:07,441
in the Battle of Hoth.

802
00:35:07,542 --> 00:35:09,010
You know,
the guy who's ready

803
00:35:09,109 --> 00:35:10,511
to take on the whole
Empire himself

804
00:35:10,612 --> 00:35:12,145
until the Empire kills
the shit out of him?

805
00:35:12,245 --> 00:35:15,382
Did Dak
even get an
action figure?

806
00:35:15,482 --> 00:35:17,619
Not in the classic
Kenner line, no.

807
00:35:17,719 --> 00:35:19,319
Because?

808
00:35:19,419 --> 00:35:20,989
Because he was
deemed unimportant
to the story.

809
00:35:21,089 --> 00:35:22,523
But that's just
bullshit, man.

810
00:35:22,624 --> 00:35:25,860
Without Dak,
Luke could
have never...

811
00:35:25,960 --> 00:35:29,764
Like, Dak was
the only guy
that's, like, uh...

812
00:35:29,864 --> 00:35:33,467
I mean, Dak was
plucky as shit, man,
just like you.

813
00:35:33,568 --> 00:35:35,536
Uh, I have a question
about the script.

814
00:35:35,637 --> 00:35:36,904
Great, more
fuckin' notes.

815
00:35:37,005 --> 00:35:38,673
- Go ahead.
- Yes.

816
00:35:38,773 --> 00:35:41,475
Uh, I have a problem
with the Friar
Fuck character,

817
00:35:41,576 --> 00:35:43,210
who, I believe,
is supposed to be me.

818
00:35:43,310 --> 00:35:45,980
Friar Fuck, uh,
loves Jesus,

819
00:35:46,080 --> 00:35:49,383
uh, to what appears to
be an unhealthy degree.

820
00:35:49,817 --> 00:35:50,985
And?

821
00:35:51,085 --> 00:35:53,688
And Elias is a born
again Satanist.

822
00:35:53,788 --> 00:35:55,623
Because it was Satan
who saved you

823
00:35:55,723 --> 00:35:58,191
when my prayers
fell on the deaf
ears of Jesus,

824
00:35:58,291 --> 00:36:00,260
the giant jerkoff.

825
00:36:00,360 --> 00:36:01,963
All right,
listen up,
Friar Fuck.

826
00:36:02,063 --> 00:36:03,363
I get that you
just broke up

827
00:36:03,463 --> 00:36:05,332
with your boyfriend
Jesus recently,

828
00:36:05,432 --> 00:36:07,334
and clearly you're
going through
some couture

829
00:36:07,434 --> 00:36:09,037
and cosmetic stuff
because of it.

830
00:36:09,137 --> 00:36:10,972
But for the
first 36 years
of your life,

831
00:36:11,072 --> 00:36:13,941
you were into Jesus
to an unhealthy degree,

832
00:36:14,042 --> 00:36:17,210
and that's the Elias
that I based
Friar Fuck on.

833
00:36:17,310 --> 00:36:19,013
Then this script
is based on lies.

834
00:36:19,113 --> 00:36:20,480
Welcome to
the movie biz.

835
00:36:20,581 --> 00:36:23,183
There's no truth
in this art!

836
00:36:23,283 --> 00:36:24,451
Jesus.

837
00:36:24,552 --> 00:36:27,155
Everyone's a critic.

838
00:36:27,254 --> 00:36:28,488
So, what do
we do next?

839
00:36:28,589 --> 00:36:30,323
What are you
asking Dak for?

840
00:36:30,424 --> 00:36:33,127
Well, I can't do this alone.
I need a producer.

841
00:36:33,226 --> 00:36:35,163
That's your job.
Me?

842
00:36:35,262 --> 00:36:36,964
What do I know
about producing?

843
00:36:37,065 --> 00:36:38,700
Come on. I'm already
writing and directing.

844
00:36:38,800 --> 00:36:40,300
I can't do
everything, man.

845
00:36:40,400 --> 00:36:42,369
All right. What does
a producer do?

846
00:36:42,469 --> 00:36:45,106
Just build us a schedule,
keep us under budget,

847
00:36:45,205 --> 00:36:47,775
secure a DP,
and most importantly,

848
00:36:47,875 --> 00:36:49,409
find us financing.

849
00:36:49,510 --> 00:36:52,479
What, I gotta
get money, too?

850
00:36:52,580 --> 00:36:53,948
How much are we
talking about here?

851
00:36:54,048 --> 00:36:56,117
Mmm, 25 grand.

852
00:36:56,216 --> 00:36:59,020
$25,000?

853
00:36:59,120 --> 00:37:01,723
Well, technically,
it's $27,575

854
00:37:01,823 --> 00:37:03,591
but it would be way more
if we were in Canada.

855
00:37:03,691 --> 00:37:05,159
Where the fuck
am I supposed to find

856
00:37:05,258 --> 00:37:06,493
that kind of
money from?

857
00:37:06,594 --> 00:37:08,295
We can find that
kind of cash.

858
00:37:08,896 --> 00:37:10,430
What? How?

859
00:37:10,531 --> 00:37:12,033
We launch our
crypto kite
NFTs next month.

860
00:37:12,133 --> 00:37:13,467
<i>So the Crimson Crypto Club</i>

861
00:37:13,568 --> 00:37:14,669
<i>could have a lot</i>
<i>of money to invest</i>

862
00:37:14,769 --> 00:37:16,303
if the crypto
kites fly.

863
00:37:16,403 --> 00:37:18,039
Again
with the fucking kites.

864
00:37:18,139 --> 00:37:20,575
Guys, we need real loot
to make a real movie,

865
00:37:20,675 --> 00:37:22,710
not your make pretend
<i>Matrix    </i> money,

866
00:37:22,810 --> 00:37:24,846
you fuckin'
kite fucker.

867
00:37:24,946 --> 00:37:27,181
I'm sick and tired
of the kite killing
attitude around here.

868
00:37:31,451 --> 00:37:32,954
Anyway,
back to the budget.

869
00:37:33,054 --> 00:37:34,354
What if we took
out a loan
against the store?

870
00:37:34,454 --> 00:37:35,790
A loan?

871
00:37:35,890 --> 00:37:37,658
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why don't we just

872
00:37:37,759 --> 00:37:39,227
slow down a minute
and think about
this first?

873
00:37:39,326 --> 00:37:41,328
Slow down?
I almost died, man.

874
00:37:41,428 --> 00:37:42,964
It doesn't get
any slower than that.

875
00:37:43,064 --> 00:37:45,666
I'm not getting all
"Dante" about this.

876
00:37:45,767 --> 00:37:47,400
Uh, what's that
supposed to mean?

877
00:37:47,502 --> 00:37:48,803
You're the guy
who can never decide

878
00:37:48,903 --> 00:37:50,605
whether to shit
or get off the pot.

879
00:37:50,705 --> 00:37:52,740
Well, I don't
have time
for that anymore.

880
00:37:52,840 --> 00:37:54,742
From now on,
I'm gonna shit bricks

881
00:37:54,842 --> 00:37:56,778
or what's the point
of being here?

882
00:37:56,878 --> 00:37:57,979
So, come on, man,

883
00:37:58,079 --> 00:38:00,280
get behind me
when I shit for once.

884
00:38:00,380 --> 00:38:02,884
So I can what,
wipe your ass?

885
00:38:04,652 --> 00:38:06,020
You know, I don't wanna get
all "Dante" about this,

886
00:38:06,120 --> 00:38:08,689
but find someone else
to take your shit.

887
00:38:27,542 --> 00:38:31,179
Well,
well, well,
here he is.

888
00:38:31,279 --> 00:38:32,980
The escape artist.

889
00:38:35,348 --> 00:38:37,652
<i>I Sit on Your Grave.</i>

890
00:38:37,752 --> 00:38:40,555
Didn't
we have that movie
at the video store?

891
00:38:40,655 --> 00:38:42,557
<i>I Spit on Your Grave.</i>

892
00:38:42,657 --> 00:38:44,457
Hicks, you spit
on my grave
in a dream,

893
00:38:44,559 --> 00:38:46,093
you better wake up
and apologize.

894
00:38:46,194 --> 00:38:47,394
Ah...

895
00:38:47,494 --> 00:38:49,630
So this is a dream.
Uh, if it is,

896
00:38:49,730 --> 00:38:52,432
then you need to learn
to dream bigger.

897
00:38:52,533 --> 00:38:53,768
I mean, really,

898
00:38:53,868 --> 00:38:55,435
this is the best
that you can do?

899
00:38:56,304 --> 00:38:57,772
A cemetery?

900
00:38:57,872 --> 00:39:01,275
You can't dream
us into sex...

901
00:39:01,374 --> 00:39:02,844
on the beach...

902
00:39:03,511 --> 00:39:05,746
in Hawaii?

903
00:39:05,847 --> 00:39:08,249
Like you'd wanna
have sex with me now.

904
00:39:08,348 --> 00:39:10,318
I'm an old man.

905
00:39:10,417 --> 00:39:12,687
I'll have you know
that being dead only

906
00:39:12,787 --> 00:39:15,189
increases your
sex drive.

907
00:39:16,456 --> 00:39:19,227
The dead live
to fuck.

908
00:39:19,327 --> 00:39:21,162
So you have sex
in the afterlife?

909
00:39:21,262 --> 00:39:22,697
Hell's yeah.

910
00:39:22,797 --> 00:39:24,765
There's nothing to do
in Heaven except fuck.

911
00:39:24,866 --> 00:39:27,134
That's what
makes it Heaven.

912
00:39:27,235 --> 00:39:29,537
I can't believe my
wife's having sex
with dead people.

913
00:39:29,637 --> 00:39:30,872
Famous dead people.

914
00:39:30,972 --> 00:39:32,707
I'm on the celebrity
circuit now.

915
00:39:32,807 --> 00:39:34,575
Bullshit. Name one
famous person you
fucked in Heaven.

916
00:39:34,675 --> 00:39:36,677
One. Okay.

917
00:39:36,777 --> 00:39:40,715
I have knocked boots
with the ghost
of Cleopatra, sir.

918
00:39:40,815 --> 00:39:42,950
Oh.
And Miles Davis

919
00:39:43,050 --> 00:39:45,686
and Frederick
Douglass,
together.

920
00:39:46,787 --> 00:39:48,923
George Washington...
What?

921
00:39:49,023 --> 00:39:50,758
Carver.
Oh.

922
00:39:50,858 --> 00:39:52,326
You know how much
I love peanut butter.

923
00:39:52,425 --> 00:39:54,328
True.
Who else?

924
00:39:54,427 --> 00:39:55,763
Um, Carl Sagan.

925
00:39:55,863 --> 00:39:58,065
Oh!
A real thinker.

926
00:39:58,165 --> 00:39:59,399
Um...

927
00:40:00,301 --> 00:40:02,270
Malcolm X.

928
00:40:02,370 --> 00:40:04,939
Malcolm triple X.
Oh, settle down.

929
00:40:05,039 --> 00:40:07,708
And I'm sure you're letting
them all go ass to mouth.

930
00:40:07,808 --> 00:40:10,144
Uh, yeah,
they're famous.

931
00:40:16,918 --> 00:40:18,686
You think
I want this,
don't you?

932
00:40:20,453 --> 00:40:22,690
You carrying
the torch for me?

933
00:40:24,125 --> 00:40:26,426
I told you how
I feel about
romantic love, Hicks.

934
00:40:26,527 --> 00:40:28,095
Oh, I remember.

935
00:40:28,195 --> 00:40:30,731
You were very
convincing.
Mmm.

936
00:40:30,831 --> 00:40:32,833
Right up until the day
I proposed.

937
00:40:34,969 --> 00:40:37,071
We only knew each other
for, like, 15 minutes.

938
00:40:37,171 --> 00:40:40,141
You've been mourning me
for, like, 15 years.

939
00:40:40,241 --> 00:40:41,441
So what do you
want me to do?

940
00:40:41,542 --> 00:40:43,476
You want me to just
forget about you?

941
00:40:43,577 --> 00:40:46,013
You were all
I ever dreamed about.

942
00:40:46,614 --> 00:40:47,882
Both of you.

943
00:40:49,650 --> 00:40:51,484
Now...

944
00:40:52,987 --> 00:40:55,823
God, I'm so alone.

945
00:40:58,426 --> 00:40:59,894
I know.

946
00:41:01,395 --> 00:41:03,197
I know losing me
and Grace...

947
00:41:04,332 --> 00:41:05,599
broke you.

948
00:41:07,201 --> 00:41:09,537
But you don't know
how lucky you have it.

949
00:41:09,637 --> 00:41:11,138
What?

950
00:41:11,238 --> 00:41:14,508
The Book of Life
is closed
for the two of us.

951
00:41:14,608 --> 00:41:17,178
But you... can still
turn a page.

952
00:41:17,278 --> 00:41:20,181
You get to keep writing
the story of your life.

953
00:41:20,281 --> 00:41:23,184
Why bother without you?

954
00:41:23,284 --> 00:41:26,654
Because there are
more tales
to tell, Hicks.

955
00:41:27,955 --> 00:41:30,091
As long as
you're alive,

956
00:41:30,191 --> 00:41:32,893
you can always
start another chapter.

957
00:41:34,328 --> 00:41:38,866
So live while you can,
love while you can.

958
00:41:41,202 --> 00:41:42,503
God damn it.

959
00:41:44,772 --> 00:41:46,140
Dream bigger.

960
00:41:49,076 --> 00:41:51,746
That all sounds
pretty romantic

961
00:41:51,846 --> 00:41:54,682
coming from a girl
who doesn't believe
in romantic love.

962
00:41:54,782 --> 00:41:56,650
I don't believe
in romantic love.

963
00:41:56,751 --> 00:41:58,719
That's my girl.

964
00:42:00,821 --> 00:42:02,289
But I do believe
in you.

965
00:42:31,218 --> 00:42:33,054
Hey, I wanna thank
you guys for having
me here today.

966
00:42:33,154 --> 00:42:35,890
I've always wanted
to be an actor.

967
00:42:35,990 --> 00:42:37,291
Nice.

968
00:42:37,391 --> 00:42:41,996
I'm not even
supposed to be
here today!

969
00:42:42,096 --> 00:42:43,798
I'm not even supposed
to be here today.

970
00:42:43,898 --> 00:42:45,566
I'm not even supposed
to be here today.

971
00:42:45,666 --> 00:42:48,436
I'm not even supposed
to be here today.

972
00:42:51,072 --> 00:42:52,907
I'm not even
supposed to be here today.

973
00:42:53,007 --> 00:42:54,575
I'm not even supposed

974
00:42:54,675 --> 00:42:58,079
to fucking be here
to fucking day, fucks.

975
00:42:58,179 --> 00:43:01,048
Oh, shit! I thought
that was the police.

976
00:43:01,148 --> 00:43:02,783
I'm not even supposed
to be here.

977
00:43:02,883 --> 00:43:04,985
By the power
of Grayskull,

978
00:43:05,086 --> 00:43:10,658
I am not supposed
to be here today!

979
00:43:10,758 --> 00:43:12,126
Hey, I'm Joe.

980
00:43:12,226 --> 00:43:13,861
Uh, I'm 45-years-old,
recently divorced,

981
00:43:13,961 --> 00:43:16,030
and I figured I'd give
this shit a go. Uh...

982
00:43:16,130 --> 00:43:18,132
I am not even supposed
to be here today.

983
00:43:19,467 --> 00:43:21,168
Damn right.

984
00:43:21,268 --> 00:43:23,471
Uh...

985
00:43:23,572 --> 00:43:25,507
Lion face.

986
00:43:25,606 --> 00:43:28,175
Lemon face.

987
00:43:28,275 --> 00:43:32,079
I'm not even supposed
to be here today.

988
00:43:32,179 --> 00:43:34,014
Um...
A little about me.

989
00:43:34,115 --> 00:43:36,518
I'm known professionally
as Boston John.

990
00:43:36,617 --> 00:43:38,252
That's a <i>nom de plume.</i>

991
00:43:38,352 --> 00:43:42,056
Uh, Robert De Niro
is my fuckin'...
Lone star.

992
00:43:42,156 --> 00:43:44,291
You know what I'm saying?
Close your eyes. Just...

993
00:43:44,391 --> 00:43:47,294
Close your eyes.
Just listen.
Ready? All right?

994
00:43:47,394 --> 00:43:49,564
I have nipples, Greg.

995
00:43:49,663 --> 00:43:51,566
Could you milk me?

996
00:43:51,665 --> 00:43:54,335
Fuck, that is one,
bitch. All day.

997
00:43:54,435 --> 00:43:56,505
Can you give me one
like Schwarzenegger?

998
00:43:56,605 --> 00:43:58,939
I'm not even supposed
to be here today.

999
00:43:59,039 --> 00:44:01,475
But can you, uh,
Pacino that shit?

1000
00:44:01,576 --> 00:44:02,577
Ooh-ah!

1001
00:44:02,676 --> 00:44:04,245
When, Lord?

1002
00:44:04,345 --> 00:44:07,748
When will I see
the God damn sailboat?

1003
00:44:09,116 --> 00:44:12,653
That came from a real
deep personal place.

1004
00:44:12,753 --> 00:44:14,054
I have a BFA.

1005
00:44:14,155 --> 00:44:15,723
Uh, I'm a theater
background actor.

1006
00:44:15,823 --> 00:44:17,725
As an actor with
a theater background,

1007
00:44:17,825 --> 00:44:19,628
I was classically
trained in New York.

1008
00:44:19,727 --> 00:44:21,428
Have you
actually thought

1009
00:44:21,530 --> 00:44:22,696
about going
musical with this?
'Cause it could be...

1010
00:44:22,796 --> 00:44:23,898
<i>♪ I'm not even...</i>

1011
00:44:23,998 --> 00:44:26,300
Supposed to be here.

1012
00:44:26,400 --> 00:44:30,070
<i>♪ Today ♪</i>

1013
00:44:30,171 --> 00:44:33,007
Hah, hoo, hah.
Yeah-cha!

1014
00:44:33,107 --> 00:44:35,843
Kick ball change
and snap,
snap, jazz hands.

1015
00:44:35,943 --> 00:44:38,078
That is beautiful, man.

1016
00:44:39,680 --> 00:44:41,048
Freddie Prinze Jr.

1017
00:44:42,750 --> 00:44:44,586
"I'll fuck anything
that moves."

1018
00:44:44,685 --> 00:44:46,621
Wait, wait a minute, man,
is this a porno?

1019
00:44:46,720 --> 00:44:48,590
I'll fuck anything
that moves.

1020
00:44:48,689 --> 00:44:49,957
I'll fuck anything
that moves.

1021
00:44:50,057 --> 00:44:51,593
I'll fuck anything
that moves.

1022
00:44:51,692 --> 00:44:52,960
That's a little bit
in your face.

1023
00:44:53,060 --> 00:44:54,728
Let me try it
like this, hold on.

1024
00:44:54,828 --> 00:44:56,631
Can I borrow
your underpants
for about ten minutes?

1025
00:44:56,730 --> 00:44:58,299
I'll fuck anything
that moves.

1026
00:44:58,399 --> 00:44:59,501
And, fool,

1027
00:44:59,601 --> 00:45:02,036
I always carry
a machete.

1028
00:45:02,136 --> 00:45:05,372
I'll fuck anything
that moves!

1029
00:45:05,472 --> 00:45:07,208
Sounds like the guy
I buy weed from.

1030
00:45:07,308 --> 00:45:08,577
You know what
this movie needs?

1031
00:45:08,677 --> 00:45:11,078
Deez. Deez nuts!

1032
00:45:11,178 --> 00:45:13,113
Can I just offer you
a piece of advice?

1033
00:45:13,214 --> 00:45:14,915
You know what
this script
needs right here?

1034
00:45:15,015 --> 00:45:17,619
Like an old lady
that says curse words.

1035
00:45:17,718 --> 00:45:19,453
Holy shit.

1036
00:45:19,554 --> 00:45:22,289
Who wrote this garbage?
His mother should
be ashamed.

1037
00:45:26,360 --> 00:45:27,596
The fuck?

1038
00:45:27,696 --> 00:45:29,830
He's auditioning
for Silent Bill.

1039
00:45:32,567 --> 00:45:34,235
I don't know if you know
<i>Sound of Music,</i>

1040
00:45:34,335 --> 00:45:35,936
the marionettes were
the best part of that.

1041
00:45:36,036 --> 00:45:39,541
I think that's why
they won Oscars.

1042
00:45:39,641 --> 00:45:41,375
It's worth
thinking about

1043
00:45:41,475 --> 00:45:44,778
maybe doing
the whole movie
with marionettes.

1044
00:45:53,320 --> 00:45:54,689
Take your
heart pills,
Tin Man.

1045
00:45:54,788 --> 00:45:56,357
Hey.

1046
00:45:56,457 --> 00:45:58,192
So, how's it going
with the financing?

1047
00:45:58,292 --> 00:45:59,827
You raise
my money, yet?

1048
00:45:59,927 --> 00:46:01,195
If it's your money,

1049
00:46:01,295 --> 00:46:02,664
then how come
I have to raise it?

1050
00:46:02,763 --> 00:46:04,298
That's Hollywood.

1051
00:46:04,398 --> 00:46:05,734
Did you finish
reading the script?

1052
00:46:05,833 --> 00:46:06,900
Last night.

1053
00:46:07,001 --> 00:46:08,737
And? It's funny,
right?

1054
00:46:08,836 --> 00:46:10,572
It's funny,

1055
00:46:10,672 --> 00:46:13,207
but it was like
my entire life flashed
before my eyes.

1056
00:46:13,307 --> 00:46:15,744
My life flashed
before your eyes.

1057
00:46:15,843 --> 00:46:18,212
I was glad you left
some stuff out.

1058
00:46:20,314 --> 00:46:21,348
So, uh...

1059
00:46:21,448 --> 00:46:23,652
which one of these guys
gets to play me?

1060
00:46:23,752 --> 00:46:24,952
Well, the guys
are too young

1061
00:46:25,052 --> 00:46:26,854
and hot to play you.
What the fuck?

1062
00:46:26,954 --> 00:46:29,691
And nobody's nearly
funny enough to play me.

1063
00:46:29,823 --> 00:46:31,058
So then,
what are you gonna do?

1064
00:46:31,158 --> 00:46:33,794
I'm gonna play
my part myself.

1065
00:46:45,439 --> 00:46:48,942
All right, already,
we're closing.
Gee whiz!

1066
00:46:49,043 --> 00:46:52,012
Why? You're highly
offending me!

1067
00:46:52,112 --> 00:46:54,649
Yeah, yeah,
yeah. Jesus.

1068
00:46:54,749 --> 00:46:56,850
I'm sorry, ma'am,
we're closed.

1069
00:46:56,950 --> 00:46:58,452
It's me, Randal.

1070
00:46:58,553 --> 00:47:01,155
Huh. Cool.
<i>Blade Runner,</i>
I like that.

1071
00:47:01,255 --> 00:47:03,390
Thanks. What's
a <i>Blade Runner?</i>

1072
00:47:03,490 --> 00:47:05,527
Can we get back to you
acting in a movie

1073
00:47:05,627 --> 00:47:08,095
that you're directing
even though you've
never acted in

1074
00:47:08,195 --> 00:47:09,664
or directed
a movie before?

1075
00:47:09,764 --> 00:47:11,165
It worked for
Orson Welles.

1076
00:47:11,265 --> 00:47:12,866
You're not
an actor.

1077
00:47:12,966 --> 00:47:14,268
Neither was
Howard Stern,

1078
00:47:14,368 --> 00:47:16,236
but he acted
in the movie
about his life.

1079
00:47:16,337 --> 00:47:17,605
If you
call that acting.

1080
00:47:17,706 --> 00:47:19,139
You think you
can do better?

1081
00:47:19,239 --> 00:47:21,375
Better than Howard Stern
did in <i>Private Parts?</i>

1082
00:47:21,475 --> 00:47:23,077
It's not a high bar.

1083
00:47:23,177 --> 00:47:25,547
Great, because
you're playing Dan-T.

1084
00:47:25,647 --> 00:47:28,282
What? No, no, no.
I'm not. I can't act.

1085
00:47:28,382 --> 00:47:29,818
You're as good
as any of the jokers

1086
00:47:29,917 --> 00:47:31,385
we saw at
1the audition.

1087
00:47:31,485 --> 00:47:33,954
Besides, if I'm
gonna play me,
you gotta play you.

1088
00:47:34,054 --> 00:47:35,923
You have
to do this,
Mr. Dan-T.

1089
00:47:36,023 --> 00:47:37,224
Oh,
for God's sakes,

1090
00:47:37,324 --> 00:47:39,259
please stop calling me
Mr. Dan-T.

1091
00:47:39,360 --> 00:47:41,295
That's another thing.
Fuck all the fake names.

1092
00:47:41,395 --> 00:47:43,765
What is this shit,
<i>Mad Magazine?</i>

1093
00:47:43,864 --> 00:47:46,066
Randal is
playing Randal.

1094
00:47:46,166 --> 00:47:50,170
Dante is playing Dante,
aka Mr. Dante,

1095
00:47:50,270 --> 00:47:53,340
and Elias is
playing Elias.

1096
00:47:53,440 --> 00:47:54,908
I'm in
the movie, too?

1097
00:47:55,008 --> 00:47:57,010
Yup. And as a Satanist
playing a Christian,

1098
00:47:57,111 --> 00:47:59,046
you've gotta
act the most.

1099
00:47:59,146 --> 00:48:01,382
It's my very
own chance...

1100
00:48:01,482 --> 00:48:02,950
to transform.

1101
00:48:03,050 --> 00:48:05,419
And transform
you shall,
Bumblebee.

1102
00:48:05,520 --> 00:48:08,590
Soon as Mr. Dante
secures our
fuckin' financing.

1103
00:48:08,690 --> 00:48:11,225
Yo, it's too bad
you didn't marry
that Emma chick,

1104
00:48:11,325 --> 00:48:13,093
the one with
the big clit.

1105
00:48:13,193 --> 00:48:15,496
Wasn't she like some
kinda car wash heiress
or something?

1106
00:48:15,597 --> 00:48:16,798
Can you focus?

1107
00:48:16,897 --> 00:48:18,365
Even if we do
play ourselves,

1108
00:48:18,465 --> 00:48:20,167
you still got to cast
all the customer parts.

1109
00:48:20,267 --> 00:48:23,738
Why am I casting
customers to say
all this stupid shit

1110
00:48:23,838 --> 00:48:25,406
when I still see
the real customers

1111
00:48:25,507 --> 00:48:27,241
who said all
the stupid shit
in the first place

1112
00:48:27,341 --> 00:48:29,878
come in here every day?
They can do it.

1113
00:48:29,977 --> 00:48:31,813
Oh, my God,
you can't just turn

1114
00:48:31,912 --> 00:48:33,615
regular people
into movie stars.

1115
00:48:33,715 --> 00:48:36,851
Noinch, noinch, noinch!
Smokin' weed.

1116
00:48:36,950 --> 00:48:38,285
Smokin' weed!

1117
00:48:38,385 --> 00:48:39,721
Pack of wraps,
my good man.

1118
00:48:39,821 --> 00:48:41,121
Time to kick back,
drink some beers

1119
00:48:41,221 --> 00:48:42,590
and smoke some weed.

1120
00:48:42,690 --> 00:48:44,893
You own a whole
weed store.

1121
00:48:44,992 --> 00:48:46,393
Hey, Randal,
I've got an idea.

1122
00:48:46,493 --> 00:48:49,263
What if Jay and Bob
play Jay and Bob?

1123
00:48:49,363 --> 00:48:52,534
Well, we can
ask 'em. Yo.

1124
00:48:52,634 --> 00:48:54,968
Youse guys want to
be in my movie?

1125
00:48:55,068 --> 00:48:56,871
Ooh, a pornography
movie?

1126
00:48:56,970 --> 00:48:58,506
It's not
a porno movie.

1127
00:48:58,606 --> 00:49:00,274
It's the movie
we're shooting
in your store.

1128
00:49:00,374 --> 00:49:02,777
That movie?
You still ain't done?

1129
00:49:02,877 --> 00:49:04,612
We haven't even
started yet.

1130
00:49:04,712 --> 00:49:08,215
I don't know. Who would
we be playing
in this movie?

1131
00:49:08,315 --> 00:49:09,918
Well, it's these
two characters
I kind of based

1132
00:49:10,017 --> 00:49:12,019
on you
and Maggie
Simpson here.

1133
00:49:12,119 --> 00:49:14,421
Check out your
first scene.

1134
00:49:14,522 --> 00:49:16,457
These guys
aren't real actors.

1135
00:49:16,558 --> 00:49:18,793
But they are real
fucked up and I could
work with that.

1136
00:49:18,893 --> 00:49:20,829
This doesn't sound
like me at all.

1137
00:49:20,929 --> 00:49:22,262
What are you
talking about?

1138
00:49:22,362 --> 00:49:24,198
All the shit in there
is all the stuff

1139
00:49:24,298 --> 00:49:26,701
I've personally heard
you say around here.

1140
00:49:26,801 --> 00:49:28,302
I do not talk
like this, man.

1141
00:49:28,402 --> 00:49:30,204
Why do you have me
saying stupid shit like

1142
00:49:30,304 --> 00:49:31,940
"Snootchie Bootchies"
all the time?

1143
00:49:32,039 --> 00:49:33,575
I'll tell
you what.

1144
00:49:33,675 --> 00:49:35,710
If you guys
play yourselves
in the movie,

1145
00:49:35,810 --> 00:49:38,212
I'll let you guys
be in charge
of Crafty, too.

1146
00:49:38,312 --> 00:49:40,347
So what's
Crafty about?

1147
00:49:40,447 --> 00:49:43,283
Well, in addition to
being the comic
relief in the movie,

1148
00:49:43,383 --> 00:49:45,753
you'd also be in charge
of all the food on set.

1149
00:49:45,854 --> 00:49:47,856
Ooh, we learned
about food prep

1150
00:49:47,956 --> 00:49:50,792
back when we ran
the fucking Cock Smoker.

1151
00:49:50,892 --> 00:49:52,226
Wasn't that place
just a drug front?

1152
00:49:52,326 --> 00:49:54,963
No,
we had drugs
in the front

1153
00:49:55,062 --> 00:49:57,164
and drugs
in the back.

1154
00:49:57,264 --> 00:49:58,499
So if Elias
is playing Elias

1155
00:49:58,600 --> 00:50:00,367
and these dopes
are playing themselves,

1156
00:50:00,467 --> 00:50:01,970
who are you gonna get
to play Veronica?

1157
00:50:02,069 --> 00:50:03,403
Well, funny you
should ask,

1158
00:50:03,505 --> 00:50:05,439
'cause earlier today
I sent the script

1159
00:50:05,540 --> 00:50:07,441
to someone who
will be absolutely...

1160
00:50:07,542 --> 00:50:09,711
...perfect to
play Veronica.

1161
00:50:11,411 --> 00:50:14,248
Who the fuck
do you people
think you are?

1162
00:50:14,348 --> 00:50:16,350
Veronica?
What is this filth?

1163
00:50:16,450 --> 00:50:18,820
What is this gamey,
tawdry trash

1164
00:50:18,920 --> 00:50:21,823
that makes me out to be
some slutty sex maniac?

1165
00:50:21,923 --> 00:50:23,423
It's just
a movie I'm making

1166
00:50:23,525 --> 00:50:24,993
about my life,
and I thought

1167
00:50:25,092 --> 00:50:26,628
it'd be fun for you
to play yourself in it.

1168
00:50:26,728 --> 00:50:27,929
Oh, you did?

1169
00:50:28,028 --> 00:50:29,363
Yeah.

1170
00:50:29,463 --> 00:50:31,331
Then you are
fucking sick!
Hey!

1171
00:50:31,431 --> 00:50:33,735
Watch it with
my artistic expression.

1172
00:50:33,835 --> 00:50:36,571
"Artistic expression"?
That's my life.

1173
00:50:36,671 --> 00:50:37,972
It's my life.

1174
00:50:38,071 --> 00:50:40,274
Okay, everybody,
calm down.
Jeez.

1175
00:50:40,374 --> 00:50:41,643
Oh, come on,
you would have killed

1176
00:50:41,743 --> 00:50:43,176
to have been
in a film in college.

1177
00:50:43,277 --> 00:50:44,344
You majored
in drama.

1178
00:50:44,444 --> 00:50:46,514
I minored
in drama.

1179
00:50:46,614 --> 00:50:48,850
I majored in
oral surgery.

1180
00:50:48,950 --> 00:50:50,752
All hail the queen
of oral.

1181
00:50:50,852 --> 00:50:52,319
Fuck you.
Surgery.

1182
00:50:52,419 --> 00:50:53,888
You didn't
let me finish.

1183
00:50:53,988 --> 00:50:55,857
And I'm not gonna let you
finish this film either,

1184
00:50:55,957 --> 00:50:57,625
not with me
as a character.

1185
00:50:57,725 --> 00:51:00,494
I'm not some
fucking joke
you get to tell

1186
00:51:00,595 --> 00:51:02,329
in your dirty
little B movie,

1187
00:51:02,429 --> 00:51:05,499
you two-bit
strip mall Soderbergh.

1188
00:51:05,600 --> 00:51:08,302
I see myself
more like retail's
Richard Linklater.

1189
00:51:08,402 --> 00:51:09,671
You want
to do this?

1190
00:51:09,771 --> 00:51:12,339
Fine, but leave
me out of it.

1191
00:51:12,439 --> 00:51:14,676
Unlike either of you,
I've got a grown-up job.

1192
00:51:14,776 --> 00:51:17,612
And unlike either of you,
I've got a family.

1193
00:51:21,015 --> 00:51:22,717
Oh, man,
I'm so sorry.

1194
00:51:25,085 --> 00:51:26,921
I... Sorry.

1195
00:51:39,199 --> 00:51:40,535
Please don't cry.

1196
00:51:40,635 --> 00:51:44,471
It's just been a shit day.

1197
00:51:46,040 --> 00:51:48,475
I had two
cancelations.

1198
00:51:48,576 --> 00:51:50,310
My ex calls
to tell me that

1199
00:51:50,410 --> 00:51:52,647
he's not putting
our daughter's car

1200
00:51:52,747 --> 00:51:54,082
on his insurance,

1201
00:51:54,181 --> 00:51:57,351
and so now somehow
she's pissed at me.

1202
00:51:59,353 --> 00:52:03,625
And then I see you
and say that shit.

1203
00:52:03,725 --> 00:52:06,426
It's okay. Really.

1204
00:52:06,527 --> 00:52:09,964
I kinda feel like...
I feel like such
an asshole.

1205
00:52:10,064 --> 00:52:12,800
Hey, Ronnie.

1206
00:52:12,900 --> 00:52:15,069
If Randal told me he was
gonna send you the script,

1207
00:52:15,168 --> 00:52:16,571
I would've said no way.

1208
00:52:17,337 --> 00:52:19,439
But now,
I'm glad he did.

1209
00:52:20,875 --> 00:52:22,409
Because it's...

1210
00:52:22,510 --> 00:52:25,813
it's really nice to see you.
Even under the circumstances.

1211
00:52:28,482 --> 00:52:30,752
And you look great.

1212
00:52:30,852 --> 00:52:32,720
You look way younger
than I do.

1213
00:52:32,820 --> 00:52:35,222
Yeah?
Yeah.

1214
00:52:35,322 --> 00:52:38,191
How young you
think I look?

1215
00:52:38,291 --> 00:52:39,927
You don't look
a day over...

1216
00:52:40,895 --> 00:52:42,830
37.

1217
00:52:44,565 --> 00:52:45,700
So, um...

1218
00:52:47,535 --> 00:52:48,468
You want to fuck?

1219
00:52:48,569 --> 00:52:50,170
<i>♪ I'm a mess</i>

1220
00:52:50,270 --> 00:52:52,140
<i>♪ All washed out</i>

1221
00:52:52,239 --> 00:52:54,207
<i>♪ Mostly regrets</i>

1222
00:52:54,307 --> 00:52:55,910
<i>♪ Laced with doubts</i>

1223
00:52:56,010 --> 00:52:57,145
<i>♪ All bruised up</i>

1224
00:52:58,345 --> 00:52:59,781
<i>♪ I'm knocked down</i>

1225
00:52:59,881 --> 00:53:01,716
You think
this means
Veronica is in?

1226
00:53:01,816 --> 00:53:04,317
I think it means
Dante sure is.

1227
00:53:04,418 --> 00:53:06,319
<i>♪ No hope</i>

1228
00:53:06,420 --> 00:53:07,889
<i>♪ No peace ♪</i>

1229
00:53:09,222 --> 00:53:10,457
"Silent Bob,

1230
00:53:10,558 --> 00:53:13,460
"you are a rude
motherfucker.

1231
00:53:13,561 --> 00:53:16,164
"But you are cute
as hell."

1232
00:53:19,466 --> 00:53:20,768
Silent Bob!

1233
00:53:20,868 --> 00:53:24,237
You are
a rrr-rude
motherfucker!

1234
00:53:24,337 --> 00:53:26,206
But you're cute
as hell!

1235
00:53:28,743 --> 00:53:30,444
I brought
the cat, Randal.

1236
00:53:30,545 --> 00:53:32,345
Perfect. We don't
want him
going anywhere

1237
00:53:32,446 --> 00:53:33,948
near a litter box
until we're
ready to shoot.

1238
00:53:34,048 --> 00:53:35,348
So you're gonna
have to hold
him all day.

1239
00:53:35,449 --> 00:53:37,384
But I'm allergic
to cats.

1240
00:53:37,484 --> 00:53:39,587
You got to suffer
for your art, man.

1241
00:53:39,687 --> 00:53:41,288
But it's not my art,
it's your art.

1242
00:53:41,388 --> 00:53:42,990
Shouldn't you be
the one doing
the suffering?

1243
00:53:43,091 --> 00:53:44,424
I didn't
suffer enough

1244
00:53:44,525 --> 00:53:45,793
when I almost died
from a heart attack,

1245
00:53:45,893 --> 00:53:47,628
which I might
add was after

1246
00:53:47,729 --> 00:53:49,463
a heated exchange
about kites?

1247
00:53:49,564 --> 00:53:51,331
My allergies
have made me immune

1248
00:53:51,431 --> 00:53:53,266
to your emotional
blackmail.

1249
00:53:56,971 --> 00:53:58,206
Check out
this acting.

1250
00:53:58,305 --> 00:54:00,041
Silent Bob,

1251
00:54:00,141 --> 00:54:02,577
you are a rrr-rude
motherfucker!

1252
00:54:02,677 --> 00:54:04,779
But you're cute
as hell.

1253
00:54:04,879 --> 00:54:07,715
Very natural,
and subtle.
I like it.

1254
00:54:09,751 --> 00:54:12,252
So, how are you
feeling today?

1255
00:54:12,352 --> 00:54:14,287
Oh, you know,
I feel like that kid

1256
00:54:14,387 --> 00:54:15,823
that worked
in the video store,

1257
00:54:15,923 --> 00:54:18,126
fully fluent in
the language of cinema.

1258
00:54:18,226 --> 00:54:19,927
It's like I was born
to direct.

1259
00:54:20,027 --> 00:54:21,929
No, bro. I mean,
you had a heart
attack last month.

1260
00:54:22,029 --> 00:54:23,965
Oh, that.
No, I feel fine.

1261
00:54:24,065 --> 00:54:25,365
How do you
feel today

1262
00:54:25,465 --> 00:54:27,400
after your Range Rover
sleepover last night?

1263
00:54:27,502 --> 00:54:29,937
Stop it.
When I said
to be a producer,

1264
00:54:30,037 --> 00:54:32,472
I didn't mean produce
a late-in-life child.

1265
00:54:32,573 --> 00:54:34,142
Unwilling producer.

1266
00:54:34,242 --> 00:54:37,178
I didn't ask
for this job,
but I am doing it.

1267
00:54:37,277 --> 00:54:39,514
So I have a meeting
today about money.

1268
00:54:39,614 --> 00:54:41,616
Fucking A,
that's producing, J.J.

1269
00:54:41,716 --> 00:54:43,584
And I found you
a cinematographer.

1270
00:54:43,684 --> 00:54:45,686
What?
May I present to you...

1271
00:54:47,320 --> 00:54:48,556
Shooter Bob.

1272
00:54:49,824 --> 00:54:51,726
Silent Bob is
gonna be our DP?

1273
00:54:51,826 --> 00:54:55,196
Shit, yeah,
we all gonna be
doing DPs!

1274
00:54:55,295 --> 00:54:57,064
Uh, DP is the name
of the job.

1275
00:54:57,165 --> 00:54:58,298
You said
it was cinematographer.

1276
00:54:58,398 --> 00:55:00,668
The cinematographer
is the DP.

1277
00:55:00,768 --> 00:55:02,469
Man, don't be
acting like
you know

1278
00:55:02,570 --> 00:55:03,838
all the industry
slang and shit.

1279
00:55:03,938 --> 00:55:05,573
Me and Silent Bob
are the only ones here

1280
00:55:05,673 --> 00:55:08,876
who've actually been
on a movie set. Twice.

1281
00:55:10,812 --> 00:55:11,979
Come on.

1282
00:55:12,079 --> 00:55:13,981
Yes, he's an
unconventional choice,

1283
00:55:14,081 --> 00:55:16,517
but you are an
unconventional
filmmaker making

1284
00:55:16,617 --> 00:55:18,451
an unconventional film.
Yeah.

1285
00:55:18,553 --> 00:55:21,756
You want me to entrust
the story of my life
to the <i>Quiet Place.</i>

1286
00:55:21,856 --> 00:55:23,490
He has some
really nice shots

1287
00:55:23,591 --> 00:55:24,792
on his Instagram.

1288
00:55:24,892 --> 00:55:26,794
Come on, give him
a chance, man.

1289
00:55:26,894 --> 00:55:28,495
Maybe he speaks
the language of
cinema like you do.

1290
00:55:28,596 --> 00:55:30,598
The guy never
speaks at all.

1291
00:55:30,698 --> 00:55:33,466
Okay, so we just
scouted in here,

1292
00:55:33,568 --> 00:55:35,402
and the colors
are fucking ugly.

1293
00:55:35,503 --> 00:55:37,939
So Silent Bob wants to
shoot the whole movie

1294
00:55:38,039 --> 00:55:39,707
in black and white.

1295
00:55:39,807 --> 00:55:42,543
<i>Schindler's List</i>
black and white?
What, is he nuts?

1296
00:55:42,643 --> 00:55:44,745
Uh, no,
I'm a fucking
filmmaker.

1297
00:55:44,846 --> 00:55:46,747
And any filmmaker
worth their salt

1298
00:55:46,848 --> 00:55:48,316
would know
that the colors

1299
00:55:48,415 --> 00:55:49,851
in this place
are fucking ghastly.

1300
00:55:49,951 --> 00:55:51,786
The only way
you could
deal with them

1301
00:55:51,886 --> 00:55:53,621
is to neutralize
them by going in
black and white,

1302
00:55:53,721 --> 00:55:55,556
which will also
kind of act as
a commentary

1303
00:55:55,656 --> 00:55:57,992
on the soulless
nature of commerce

1304
00:55:58,092 --> 00:56:01,195
while subliminally
giving the audience
the impression

1305
00:56:01,295 --> 00:56:03,331
that they're watching
our heroes

1306
00:56:03,430 --> 00:56:04,732
from the perspective

1307
00:56:04,832 --> 00:56:07,367
of an imaginary
store security cam.

1308
00:56:08,536 --> 00:56:09,937
That's what
I was thinking.
Mmm-hmm.

1309
00:56:10,037 --> 00:56:11,438
That's what
an artist thinks.
Yup.

1310
00:56:11,539 --> 00:56:13,107
But, you know,
it's up to you.

1311
00:56:13,207 --> 00:56:15,810
However,
I'm shooting it
in black and white,

1312
00:56:15,910 --> 00:56:18,112
or I ain't shooting
it at all,
motherfucker.

1313
00:56:18,212 --> 00:56:19,614
That's right.

1314
00:56:28,789 --> 00:56:31,292
<i>Jesus, he looks fat.</i>

1315
00:56:31,391 --> 00:56:33,194
You're not
on mute, Emma.

1316
00:56:33,294 --> 00:56:36,496
<i>I know. So? Hello.</i>

1317
00:56:36,597 --> 00:56:38,266
Hi, you.

1318
00:56:38,366 --> 00:56:40,167
How's Florida?

1319
00:56:40,268 --> 00:56:41,702
<i>Full of assholes,</i>
<i>but at least</i>
<i>it's not Jersey.</i>

1320
00:56:41,802 --> 00:56:43,304
<i>What do you</i>
<i>want, Dante?</i>

1321
00:56:43,403 --> 00:56:46,641
Okay, uh, this is gonna
come out of left field,

1322
00:56:46,741 --> 00:56:51,879
but, um, I was hoping
I could borrow some money.

1323
00:56:51,979 --> 00:56:53,014
<i>Fuck no.</i>

1324
00:56:53,114 --> 00:56:55,182
It's not for me.
It's for Randal.

1325
00:56:55,283 --> 00:56:57,852
<i>Oh, then double fuck no.</i>

1326
00:56:57,952 --> 00:56:59,587
He had a heart
attack, Emma.

1327
00:56:59,687 --> 00:57:01,589
<i>Good. I hope</i>
<i>he dropped dead.</i>

1328
00:57:02,189 --> 00:57:03,456
He didn't.

1329
00:57:03,557 --> 00:57:05,492
So he needs
the money for, uh...

1330
00:57:05,593 --> 00:57:06,861
for the hospital bills.

1331
00:57:06,961 --> 00:57:08,495
Randal doesn't have
any insurance.

1332
00:57:08,596 --> 00:57:10,164
<i>So the fuck what?</i>

1333
00:57:10,264 --> 00:57:12,366
<i>Even if I wanted to help,</i>
<i>which I don't,</i>

1334
00:57:12,465 --> 00:57:15,269
<i>I'm not giving</i>
<i>Randal Graves</i>
<i>any free money.</i>

1335
00:57:15,369 --> 00:57:17,038
Emma, please.

1336
00:57:17,138 --> 00:57:19,040
You and I once
promised that if
we ever needed help,

1337
00:57:19,140 --> 00:57:21,509
we'd always be there
for each other,
no matter what.

1338
00:57:21,609 --> 00:57:24,078
<i>That was before</i>
<i>you cheated on me</i>

1339
00:57:24,178 --> 00:57:26,681
<i>at a fucking</i>
<i>donkey show.</i>

1340
00:57:26,781 --> 00:57:28,115
<i>Goodbye, Dante!</i>

1341
00:57:28,215 --> 00:57:31,085
No, no.
Wait, wait, wait.

1342
00:57:31,185 --> 00:57:32,887
Please, Emma.

1343
00:57:34,221 --> 00:57:36,489
I'm desperate here.

1344
00:57:36,590 --> 00:57:38,292
<i>Do you even have</i>
<i>any collateral?</i>

1345
00:57:38,392 --> 00:57:40,895
If I have to...

1346
00:57:40,995 --> 00:57:44,098
I can sign over my
half of the QuickStop
as collateral.

1347
00:57:44,198 --> 00:57:45,933
<i>That shithole? Ugh.</i>

1348
00:57:52,974 --> 00:57:55,543
What's all this about?
We're making a movie.

1349
00:57:55,643 --> 00:57:58,245
No shit.
A pornography movie?

1350
00:57:58,346 --> 00:58:01,015
How long does
that take?
Twenty-one nights.

1351
00:58:01,115 --> 00:58:03,617
It's gonna take
my auteur friend
here 21 nights

1352
00:58:03,718 --> 00:58:06,153
for him to cinematically
suck his own dick.

1353
00:58:06,253 --> 00:58:07,487
In a row?

1354
00:58:08,823 --> 00:58:11,792
<i>"In Convenience."</i>
I don't get it.

1355
00:58:12,526 --> 00:58:14,362
Scene ten,
take one!

1356
00:58:16,397 --> 00:58:17,965
<i>Cat Wrangler!</i>

1357
00:58:31,645 --> 00:58:33,180
All right,
let's go.

1358
00:58:34,315 --> 00:58:35,683
<i>And...</i>

1359
00:58:35,783 --> 00:58:37,585
<i>action.</i>

1360
00:58:39,987 --> 00:58:41,489
<i>Holy shit.</i>

1361
00:58:41,589 --> 00:58:42,990
We got poop.

1362
00:58:45,059 --> 00:58:46,927
<i>And action.</i>

1363
00:58:47,028 --> 00:58:47,828
Fuck.

1364
00:59:02,176 --> 00:59:05,046
What are you
waitin' for?
Dance!

1365
00:59:05,146 --> 00:59:08,482
I ain't doing this
with all these fuckin'
people watching.

1366
00:59:08,582 --> 00:59:10,117
Oh, my God.

1367
00:59:10,217 --> 00:59:11,685
<i>Cut!</i>

1368
00:59:11,786 --> 00:59:13,120
The talent's
being a little bitch.

1369
00:59:13,220 --> 00:59:15,156
Can you guys wait
in the video store?

1370
00:59:15,256 --> 00:59:16,824
I'll run the camera.

1371
00:59:16,924 --> 00:59:19,326
Unbelievable.
Really?

1372
00:59:26,934 --> 00:59:29,203
There, ya happy?
I cleared the set.

1373
00:59:29,303 --> 00:59:32,073
So fucking
dance, man.

1374
00:59:32,173 --> 00:59:33,908
You fucking dance.

1375
00:59:34,008 --> 00:59:35,976
- Bitch.
<i>- And...</i>

1376
00:59:36,077 --> 00:59:37,678
<i>action.</i>

1377
00:59:51,425 --> 00:59:53,427
What the fuck,
JoJo Siwa?

1378
00:59:53,528 --> 00:59:55,930
Look at this
fucking guy
looking at us!

1379
00:59:56,030 --> 00:59:59,534
He's not even paying
attention. Gee whiz.

1380
00:59:59,633 --> 01:00:02,136
You have to go
inside, too, cuck.

1381
01:00:02,236 --> 01:00:04,738
Who the fuck's
gonna run the camera?

1382
01:00:04,839 --> 01:00:06,373
Push the button
and walk away.

1383
01:00:06,474 --> 01:00:08,543
Oh, my God.

1384
01:00:08,642 --> 01:00:11,378
All right.

1385
01:00:22,356 --> 01:00:23,724
<i>Action.</i>

1386
01:00:23,824 --> 01:00:25,226
I guess.

1387
01:01:03,697 --> 01:01:07,602
<i>♪ You know, it's been</i>
<i>A long, long road</i>

1388
01:01:07,701 --> 01:01:10,471
<i>♪ Since I packed up and left</i>
<i>On my own...</i>

1389
01:01:10,572 --> 01:01:12,206
All right, now,
hold on to
the counter.

1390
01:01:12,306 --> 01:01:14,341
I'm going
to pull, okay?
Here we go.

1391
01:01:14,441 --> 01:01:15,943
Ah...

1392
01:01:16,043 --> 01:01:18,746
<i>♪ Just trying</i>
<i>To get back to her heart</i>

1393
01:01:22,883 --> 01:01:24,418
<i>Action.</i>

1394
01:01:35,162 --> 01:01:38,232
We need some tits
and ass, yeah!

1395
01:01:38,332 --> 01:01:40,635
<i>♪ I sure ain't got no home...</i>

1396
01:01:40,734 --> 01:01:42,403
<i>And cut.</i>

1397
01:01:42,504 --> 01:01:44,405
Ha-ha.

1398
01:01:46,508 --> 01:01:48,475
Nice job,
nice work.

1399
01:01:48,577 --> 01:01:50,010
Um...

1400
01:01:50,110 --> 01:01:51,178
All right,
we're doing
the same shot

1401
01:01:51,278 --> 01:01:53,080
just over to
this door.

1402
01:01:53,180 --> 01:01:56,417
...sound here.
Let's get the
sticks over there.

1403
01:01:56,518 --> 01:01:57,785
Elias, you with us?

1404
01:01:57,885 --> 01:01:59,220
Okay, we're doing
the same thing.

1405
01:01:59,320 --> 01:02:00,721
We're just, kind of,
coming over here.

1406
01:02:00,821 --> 01:02:01,989
We're gonna stay
on the same...

1407
01:02:02,089 --> 01:02:03,490
<i>♪ Find your way back... ♪</i>

1408
01:02:05,926 --> 01:02:08,162
And... action.

1409
01:02:08,262 --> 01:02:12,634
You know, there are
a million fines
in the world, dude.

1410
01:02:12,733 --> 01:02:14,935
"Millions
of fines"?
What the hell, man?

1411
01:02:15,035 --> 01:02:16,538
That's not
the line.

1412
01:02:16,638 --> 01:02:18,939
"There's a million
fine-looking women

1413
01:02:19,039 --> 01:02:20,874
"in the world,
dude."

1414
01:02:20,975 --> 01:02:25,079
There are a billion
behinds in this
world, dude!

1415
01:02:25,179 --> 01:02:28,249
Whoo!
Not "billions
of behinds."

1416
01:02:28,349 --> 01:02:31,185
"A million
fine-looking
women."

1417
01:02:31,285 --> 01:02:35,222
You know, they're
killing swines
in the world, dude.

1418
01:02:35,322 --> 01:02:37,891
Jesus fucking Christ,
you non-acting fuck!

1419
01:02:37,992 --> 01:02:40,094
I will do it myself.

1420
01:02:40,662 --> 01:02:42,863
Ahem!

1421
01:02:42,963 --> 01:02:44,733
You know,
there's a million
fine-looking women

1422
01:02:44,832 --> 01:02:46,433
in the world, dude,

1423
01:02:46,534 --> 01:02:48,802
but they don't
all bring you
lasagna at work.

1424
01:02:48,902 --> 01:02:50,739
Most of them
just cheat on you.

1425
01:02:50,838 --> 01:02:53,608
You <i>All About</i>
<i>Eve</i> -ining fuck.
Well?

1426
01:02:53,708 --> 01:02:56,410
Fasten your seatbelts.
It's gonna be
a bumpy night.

1427
01:02:56,511 --> 01:02:58,747
So that's it.
He doesn't love
you anymore.

1428
01:02:58,846 --> 01:03:00,281
He loves Caitlin.

1429
01:03:00,381 --> 01:03:02,950
And he told
you all this?
Pretty much.

1430
01:03:03,050 --> 01:03:05,085
All except the latent
homosexuality but...

1431
01:03:05,185 --> 01:03:06,588
What the fuck,
man?

1432
01:03:06,688 --> 01:03:08,856
We're making
a movie here. Ew!

1433
01:03:08,956 --> 01:03:11,892
It's nothing
compared to how
my cousin Walter died.

1434
01:03:11,992 --> 01:03:14,529
- How'd he die?
- He broke his neck.

1435
01:03:14,629 --> 01:03:16,230
That's embarrassing?

1436
01:03:16,330 --> 01:03:18,465
He broke his neck
trying to suck
his own dick.

1437
01:03:18,566 --> 01:03:19,867
Holy shit, man.

1438
01:03:19,967 --> 01:03:22,236
- Is that shit true?
- Are you nuts?

1439
01:03:22,336 --> 01:03:23,170
Shut the fuck up.

1440
01:03:23,270 --> 01:03:24,805
We're shooting
a scene here.

1441
01:03:40,120 --> 01:03:43,257
<i>♪ I know it's too late now</i>

1442
01:03:43,357 --> 01:03:47,696
<i>♪ But I wish I could</i>
<i>Go back in time</i>

1443
01:03:47,796 --> 01:03:51,498
<i>♪ And start all over somehow</i>

1444
01:03:51,599 --> 01:03:55,135
<i>♪ And get it right</i>
<i>From the start</i>

1445
01:03:55,235 --> 01:03:57,371
<i>♪ Find your way back</i>

1446
01:03:59,139 --> 01:04:01,942
<i>♪ Find your way back</i>
<i>To her heart</i>

1447
01:04:03,043 --> 01:04:04,579
<i>♪ Find your way back ♪</i>

1448
01:04:04,679 --> 01:04:06,313
Uh, what the
hell is this?

1449
01:04:06,413 --> 01:04:08,082
The story needs
a little action

1450
01:04:08,182 --> 01:04:09,517
so I added a scene
where Cohee

1451
01:04:09,617 --> 01:04:11,820
comes in to
rob the place
at the end.

1452
01:04:11,919 --> 01:04:13,521
And in the process,
you get shot.

1453
01:04:13,621 --> 01:04:16,591
No way. I'm not letting
you kill me off
in the third act.

1454
01:04:16,691 --> 01:04:17,958
What if there's
a sequel?

1455
01:04:18,058 --> 01:04:20,494
A sequel?
What am I? A hack?

1456
01:04:20,595 --> 01:04:24,932
Cohee, producer
says I gotta cut
your scene, man.

1457
01:04:25,032 --> 01:04:27,034
Yo, I'm still pay
or play, right?

1458
01:04:27,134 --> 01:04:29,604
Publicity? Isn't it
a little early for that?

1459
01:04:29,704 --> 01:04:31,438
I've been
reading the paper
my whole life

1460
01:04:31,539 --> 01:04:33,140
and the only time
I've seen my name in it

1461
01:04:33,240 --> 01:04:34,609
was under
the headline,

1462
01:04:34,709 --> 01:04:37,244
"Local grocer has
massive heart attack."

1463
01:04:37,344 --> 01:04:40,914
So I thought in your
official capacity
as producer,

1464
01:04:41,014 --> 01:04:42,916
maybe you can get
a cub reporter
over here

1465
01:04:43,016 --> 01:04:45,754
to do a story
about your director
in action.

1466
01:04:48,922 --> 01:04:50,825
"I assure you
we're open."

1467
01:04:50,924 --> 01:04:52,560
I don't get it.

1468
01:04:52,660 --> 01:04:54,629
Some savages are
always sticking
gum in the locks,

1469
01:04:54,729 --> 01:04:57,030
so I wrote it
into the script
to be the reason

1470
01:04:57,131 --> 01:04:58,566
the shutters
are closed all day.

1471
01:04:58,666 --> 01:05:00,033
That way,
we can shoot
at night

1472
01:05:00,134 --> 01:05:01,569
and pretend
it's day out.

1473
01:05:01,669 --> 01:05:04,572
I fucking hate
how fake
Hollywood is.

1474
01:05:04,672 --> 01:05:07,642
I don't
appreciate
your ruse, ma'am.

1475
01:05:07,742 --> 01:05:09,276
I beg your pardon.
Your ruse.

1476
01:05:09,376 --> 01:05:11,813
Your cunning attempt
to trick me.

1477
01:05:11,912 --> 01:05:13,914
This is the last
time I rent here!

1478
01:05:14,014 --> 01:05:15,916
You will be missed.

1479
01:05:16,016 --> 01:05:17,451
Screw you!

1480
01:05:19,754 --> 01:05:22,456
You're not
allowed to rent
here anymore!

1481
01:05:22,557 --> 01:05:23,658
Yeah!

1482
01:05:23,758 --> 01:05:25,092
And cut.

1483
01:05:29,196 --> 01:05:30,799
Nice work.

1484
01:05:30,899 --> 01:05:32,166
Nice work.

1485
01:05:32,266 --> 01:05:34,168
Okay, now just give
me ten minutes

1486
01:05:34,268 --> 01:05:36,270
and then
I'll be ready
to do mine.

1487
01:05:36,370 --> 01:05:37,438
Your what?

1488
01:05:38,005 --> 01:05:40,474
Wah, Ricky!

1489
01:05:40,575 --> 01:05:43,678
This is
the last time
I rent here!

1490
01:05:47,816 --> 01:05:49,818
I don't get it.

1491
01:05:49,918 --> 01:05:53,020
She wanted to do
one as Lucy.

1492
01:05:53,120 --> 01:05:54,823
<i>Empire    </i> had
the better ending.

1493
01:05:54,923 --> 01:05:56,223
I mean, Luke gets
his hand cut off,

1494
01:05:56,323 --> 01:05:57,859
finds out Vader's
his father.

1495
01:05:57,991 --> 01:05:59,326
Han gets frozen,
taken away by Boba Fett.

1496
01:05:59,426 --> 01:06:01,161
It ends on such
a down note.

1497
01:06:01,261 --> 01:06:03,731
Cut.
What? What happened?

1498
01:06:03,832 --> 01:06:05,032
"Han gets frozen

1499
01:06:05,132 --> 01:06:07,334
"and taken away
by Boba Fett."

1500
01:06:07,434 --> 01:06:08,469
I said that.

1501
01:06:08,570 --> 01:06:10,170
No, you said,
"Han gets frozen,

1502
01:06:10,270 --> 01:06:11,773
"taken away
by Boba Fett."

1503
01:06:11,873 --> 01:06:12,841
You left out
the "and."

1504
01:06:12,941 --> 01:06:14,174
Do I come in
now, Randal?

1505
01:06:14,274 --> 01:06:16,678
Not yet, Thomas.
Go back out.

1506
01:06:16,778 --> 01:06:19,012
You can blame Dante
for ad-libbing
all over my movie

1507
01:06:19,112 --> 01:06:20,380
like he's Seth
fucking Rogan.

1508
01:06:20,481 --> 01:06:22,382
Oh, my God,
I left out one word.

1509
01:06:22,483 --> 01:06:24,351
Every word is sacred
to the writer.

1510
01:06:24,451 --> 01:06:26,186
This
isn't writing.

1511
01:06:26,286 --> 01:06:27,589
It's a bunch of shit
that happened
for real in my life.

1512
01:06:27,689 --> 01:06:28,923
My life.

1513
01:06:29,022 --> 01:06:30,324
Do I come in
now, Randal?

1514
01:06:30,424 --> 01:06:32,292
Not yet, Thomas.
Back.

1515
01:06:32,392 --> 01:06:35,062
Oh, man,
Thomas fucked
up again?

1516
01:06:35,162 --> 01:06:36,831
Stop fucking
shit up, Thomas.

1517
01:06:36,931 --> 01:06:40,267
Hey, fuck-o.
What'd you say
to my father?

1518
01:06:40,367 --> 01:06:41,569
How about I fuck
your shit up,

1519
01:06:41,669 --> 01:06:42,670
you fucking fuck
hole motherfucker!

1520
01:06:42,770 --> 01:06:44,404
Shooter Bob!

1521
01:06:45,405 --> 01:06:47,107
That is the
Jersey-iest thing

1522
01:06:47,207 --> 01:06:50,143
I've ever heard
or seen in
my life.

1523
01:06:50,244 --> 01:06:52,446
And action.

1524
01:06:53,681 --> 01:06:55,115
That's your lung.

1525
01:06:55,215 --> 01:06:57,752
By this time,
your lung looks
like this.

1526
01:06:59,052 --> 01:07:00,989
So why don't you put
the cigarettes back

1527
01:07:01,088 --> 01:07:02,824
and try some
gum instead?

1528
01:07:02,924 --> 01:07:05,492
Here, Chewlies gum,
try this.

1529
01:07:05,593 --> 01:07:07,695
Oh, my God,
that reeks!

1530
01:07:07,795 --> 01:07:09,463
God!
What is that?

1531
01:07:09,564 --> 01:07:11,866
What happened
to the model of
the lung I gave ya?

1532
01:07:11,966 --> 01:07:13,267
I'm a method actor.

1533
01:07:13,367 --> 01:07:14,602
I ditched
the model lung

1534
01:07:14,702 --> 01:07:16,336
for this tripe
I got at Foodtown.

1535
01:07:16,436 --> 01:07:19,306
Jesus.
I used my power
of stagecraft

1536
01:07:19,406 --> 01:07:22,175
to see that
stomach as a lung.
It's method!

1537
01:07:22,276 --> 01:07:24,177
And you're
Dante Hicks.

1538
01:07:24,278 --> 01:07:26,915
We went to
the same school.
You played hockey.

1539
01:07:27,015 --> 01:07:28,315
Yeah. How'd you
know that?

1540
01:07:28,415 --> 01:07:29,984
You still going
out with her?

1541
01:07:30,083 --> 01:07:31,285
No, she's
getting married.

1542
01:07:31,385 --> 01:07:33,021
To you?
No.

1543
01:07:33,120 --> 01:07:34,923
To an Asian
design major.

1544
01:07:35,023 --> 01:07:36,591
What is...
You know what?

1545
01:07:36,691 --> 01:07:40,028
Cut, cut, cut!
I can't abide
by this racist shit.

1546
01:07:40,127 --> 01:07:42,396
Racist? How the
hell is it racist?

1547
01:07:42,496 --> 01:07:44,464
Just look at all
this fucking
lack of diversity.

1548
01:07:44,566 --> 01:07:48,903
And calling some
guy an Asian
design major

1549
01:07:49,003 --> 01:07:50,638
just feels racist.

1550
01:07:50,738 --> 01:07:54,876
That's not racist.
The guy literally
majored in Asian design.

1551
01:07:54,976 --> 01:07:56,778
Are you sure?

1552
01:07:56,878 --> 01:07:59,413
Wasn't he a, uh, Asian
student who was also
a design major?

1553
01:07:59,514 --> 01:08:03,551
He was a passionate
student of Asian design.

1554
01:08:03,651 --> 01:08:07,354
It just so happens
he himself was
coincidentally Asian.

1555
01:08:10,390 --> 01:08:11,893
Take it easy, man.

1556
01:08:13,828 --> 01:08:16,129
So, uh, where are
we gonna shoot the
donkey show scene?

1557
01:08:16,229 --> 01:08:18,098
Where it happened.
Mooby's.

1558
01:08:18,198 --> 01:08:19,567
Our Mooby's?
Yeah.

1559
01:08:19,667 --> 01:08:21,435
How are we supposed
to get in?

1560
01:08:21,536 --> 01:08:24,271
I got the locations
department
working on it.

1561
01:08:24,371 --> 01:08:27,240
It's stuck in my hair.

1562
01:08:27,341 --> 01:08:29,844
Shit. Can you
get it?

1563
01:08:29,944 --> 01:08:33,447
Ugh. I hate wearing
the Mooby suit, man.

1564
01:08:40,521 --> 01:08:43,524
<i>♪ I'm just trying to see</i>
<i>Miss Sally walk</i>

1565
01:08:43,625 --> 01:08:46,460
<i>♪ In a simple baddest</i>
<i>On the block</i>

1566
01:08:46,561 --> 01:08:49,631
<i>♪ I just wanna see</i>
<i>Miss Sally Double Dutch</i>

1567
01:08:49,731 --> 01:08:51,866
<i>♪ I just wanna see</i>
<i>Miss Sally fuck it up</i>

1568
01:08:51,966 --> 01:08:53,367
<i>♪ Fuck it up</i>

1569
01:08:53,467 --> 01:08:56,203
<i>♪ Eenie-meenie-miney-mo</i>

1570
01:08:56,303 --> 01:08:58,372
♪ <i>Yo girl say she tryna go</i>

1571
01:08:58,472 --> 01:08:59,674
<i>♪ Red light, green light</i>

1572
01:08:59,774 --> 01:09:01,509
<i>♪ Now you can't find yo ho</i>

1573
01:09:01,609 --> 01:09:02,877
<i>♪ Freeze tag, this froze</i>

1574
01:09:02,977 --> 01:09:04,746
<i>♪ Took her to the jewelry store</i>

1575
01:09:04,846 --> 01:09:07,048
<i>♪ Miss Sally walk</i>
<i>A-walkin' down the street</i>

1576
01:09:07,147 --> 01:09:10,150
<i>♪ Miss Sally walk</i>
<i>A-walkin' down the street</i>

1577
01:09:10,250 --> 01:09:12,086
<i>♪ Miss Sally walk...</i>

1578
01:09:12,185 --> 01:09:14,254
Come on, boys.
Let's go!

1579
01:09:14,354 --> 01:09:16,323
<i>♪ I just wanna see</i>
<i>Miss Sally walk</i>

1580
01:09:16,423 --> 01:09:19,694
<i>♪ Miss Sally walk</i>
<i>A-walkin' down the street</i>

1581
01:09:19,794 --> 01:09:21,696
<i>♪ Miss Sally walk</i>
<i>A-walkin' down the street</i>

1582
01:09:23,598 --> 01:09:26,366
<i>♪ I just wanna see</i>
<i>Miss Sally walk</i>

1583
01:09:26,466 --> 01:09:29,103
<i>♪ I just wanna see</i>
<i>Miss Sally walk ♪</i>

1584
01:09:35,810 --> 01:09:36,811
No.

1585
01:09:38,846 --> 01:09:41,582
No what?
No, I... I can't
go inside.

1586
01:09:41,683 --> 01:09:43,183
Of course, you can.

1587
01:09:43,283 --> 01:09:45,019
Becks, I can't.

1588
01:09:45,119 --> 01:09:48,556
We had the best
times of our lives
in that place.

1589
01:09:48,656 --> 01:09:51,324
Until one of our
lives ended.

1590
01:09:51,425 --> 01:09:53,293
It's just
a building, Hicks.

1591
01:09:53,393 --> 01:09:56,731
It's just a building
I haven't been
inside since...

1592
01:09:58,900 --> 01:10:00,233
Since you...

1593
01:10:00,333 --> 01:10:02,670
I know. I'm sorry.

1594
01:10:04,404 --> 01:10:05,907
Just turn the page.

1595
01:10:07,008 --> 01:10:08,475
You can do this,
babes.

1596
01:10:09,209 --> 01:10:11,546
No.

1597
01:10:12,146 --> 01:10:13,313
Don't go.

1598
01:10:29,163 --> 01:10:31,132
Uh, Randal.
This is Lisa

1599
01:10:31,231 --> 01:10:34,135
and her daughter...
Lisa.

1600
01:10:34,234 --> 01:10:35,703
Uh, Lisa goes
to high school

1601
01:10:35,803 --> 01:10:37,805
at Henry
Hudson Regional.
Oh.

1602
01:10:37,905 --> 01:10:41,075
And this is my husband,
Lando, who can
go straight to hell.

1603
01:10:41,175 --> 01:10:42,510
I'm so mad at you.

1604
01:10:42,610 --> 01:10:44,478
Don't say a damn word
the whole night.

1605
01:10:44,579 --> 01:10:47,115
Don't even
think words!
Uh...

1606
01:10:47,215 --> 01:10:48,516
We're gonna shoot
a movie in a minute

1607
01:10:48,616 --> 01:10:49,917
so I gotta
chase you guys

1608
01:10:50,017 --> 01:10:51,384
- out of here.
- Oh, okay, my bad.

1609
01:10:51,485 --> 01:10:52,787
I guess you
don't want press

1610
01:10:52,887 --> 01:10:53,955
for your little
YouTube video, then.

1611
01:10:54,055 --> 01:10:55,189
Did you say press?

1612
01:10:55,288 --> 01:10:56,624
Mr. Dante
asked them

1613
01:10:56,724 --> 01:10:58,059
to come here
to cover the shoot.

1614
01:10:58,159 --> 01:11:00,194
So you're saying
little Lisa is...

1615
01:11:00,293 --> 01:11:02,764
Ah! High School Lisa.

1616
01:11:02,864 --> 01:11:04,364
Don't call her
little Lisa

1617
01:11:04,464 --> 01:11:06,000
and you better not
call me big Lisa.

1618
01:11:06,100 --> 01:11:09,704
High School Lisa
writes for the high
school newspaper?

1619
01:11:09,804 --> 01:11:11,906
And her parents
are the chaperones.

1620
01:11:12,006 --> 01:11:13,541
Fucking great.

1621
01:11:13,641 --> 01:11:14,876
Even though
one parent
just came out

1622
01:11:14,976 --> 01:11:16,544
of the strip club tonight

1623
01:11:16,644 --> 01:11:19,647
spending all my $5 bills
that I got at bingo. Bitch.

1624
01:11:21,816 --> 01:11:24,317
Hey! The producer's
on set.

1625
01:11:24,417 --> 01:11:27,789
So lights! Camera!

1626
01:11:27,889 --> 01:11:29,422
Action!

1627
01:11:29,524 --> 01:11:31,192
He looks drunk.

1628
01:11:31,291 --> 01:11:33,493
He looks like
he needs a piece
of butter and bread.

1629
01:11:36,631 --> 01:11:38,232
Ooh, it's cold in here.

1630
01:11:38,331 --> 01:11:40,300
Cough cold... Hey!

1631
01:11:40,400 --> 01:11:41,803
All right, look,

1632
01:11:41,903 --> 01:11:44,304
I realize going to Mooby's
might have hit you hard

1633
01:11:44,404 --> 01:11:45,740
but you just take off?

1634
01:11:45,840 --> 01:11:48,109
We couldn't even shoot
the donkey show!

1635
01:11:48,209 --> 01:11:49,376
Oh, big deal.

1636
01:11:49,476 --> 01:11:51,179
What the fuck is wrong
with you, man?

1637
01:11:51,279 --> 01:11:55,049
Try thinking of somebody
other than yourself for once.

1638
01:11:55,149 --> 01:11:56,651
Myself?
Okay.

1639
01:11:56,751 --> 01:11:58,418
We're gonna
shoot this scene

1640
01:11:58,519 --> 01:12:00,254
because the kid from
the high school newspaper

1641
01:12:00,353 --> 01:12:01,923
and her mom
are waiting.

1642
01:12:02,023 --> 01:12:04,391
Thanks for understanding
the assignment on that one.

1643
01:12:04,491 --> 01:12:06,227
But since you
showed up here
shit-faced

1644
01:12:06,326 --> 01:12:08,963
and ruined tonight
before we even had
a chance to roll,

1645
01:12:09,063 --> 01:12:11,464
we're gonna
re-shoot this tomorrow.

1646
01:12:11,566 --> 01:12:14,334
So get your selfish ass
out there on that cooler

1647
01:12:14,434 --> 01:12:15,736
and let's pretend
for a minute

1648
01:12:15,837 --> 01:12:18,272
you've actually
been helpful
on my movie,

1649
01:12:18,371 --> 01:12:19,640
which is, like,
the only thing

1650
01:12:19,740 --> 01:12:21,576
I ever asked you
to do for me

1651
01:12:21,676 --> 01:12:23,611
and only after I almost
dropped dead

1652
01:12:23,711 --> 01:12:26,314
from a fucking
heart attack.

1653
01:12:26,413 --> 01:12:28,749
You're fucking
unbelievable, man.

1654
01:12:28,850 --> 01:12:30,117
Come on!

1655
01:12:38,559 --> 01:12:39,760
What...

1656
01:12:41,629 --> 01:12:43,463
<i>In Convenience.</i>

1657
01:12:43,564 --> 01:12:45,032
Stupid title.

1658
01:12:45,132 --> 01:12:47,935
Scene 137.
Take one.

1659
01:12:48,035 --> 01:12:49,937
Are they shooting this
in black and white?

1660
01:12:50,037 --> 01:12:52,640
I see a lot of white.
I don't see the black.

1661
01:12:52,740 --> 01:12:54,942
And action.

1662
01:12:55,042 --> 01:12:57,812
<i>♪ Da-dum, da-dum...</i>

1663
01:12:57,912 --> 01:12:59,780
<i>♪ Da-dum, da-dum, da-dum</i>

1664
01:12:59,881 --> 01:13:02,183
<i>♪ Da-dum, da-dum</i>
<i>Da-dum, dadum... ♪</i>

1665
01:13:02,283 --> 01:13:04,252
<i>Salsa shark!</i>

1666
01:13:04,352 --> 01:13:05,853
We're gonna need
a bigger boat.

1667
01:13:07,655 --> 01:13:10,825
Man goes into cage,
cage goes into salsa.

1668
01:13:10,925 --> 01:13:13,728
Shark's in the salsa.
Our shark.

1669
01:13:15,495 --> 01:13:17,164
Oh, what?
What's with you, man?

1670
01:13:17,265 --> 01:13:19,200
You haven't said
anything in,
like, 20 minutes.

1671
01:13:19,300 --> 01:13:20,868
What the hell's
your problem?

1672
01:13:20,968 --> 01:13:22,169
This life.

1673
01:13:22,270 --> 01:13:24,437
This life?

1674
01:13:24,538 --> 01:13:27,174
I'm stuck in this pit
on my day off,

1675
01:13:27,275 --> 01:13:31,245
dealing with every backward
ass fuck on the planet.

1676
01:13:31,345 --> 01:13:33,281
I smell like
shoe polish,

1677
01:13:33,381 --> 01:13:35,783
and my girlfriend
sucked 36 dicks.

1678
01:13:35,883 --> 01:13:37,218
- Thirty-seven.
- Oh!

1679
01:13:37,318 --> 01:13:38,786
Cover your ears,
baby girl.

1680
01:13:38,886 --> 01:13:40,554
Why the fuck
are they cursing
like that?

1681
01:13:40,655 --> 01:13:42,823
You need to shit
or get off the pot.

1682
01:13:42,924 --> 01:13:44,592
What the hell
are you talking about?

1683
01:13:44,692 --> 01:13:46,127
I'm talking about
this thing you have,

1684
01:13:46,227 --> 01:13:48,729
this inability
to improve your
station in life.

1685
01:13:48,829 --> 01:13:49,897
Fuck you.

1686
01:13:49,997 --> 01:13:51,399
It's true, man.

1687
01:13:51,498 --> 01:13:53,801
You sit there and
blame life for dealin'
ya a cruddy hand,

1688
01:13:53,901 --> 01:13:55,736
never once
accepting
responsibility

1689
01:13:55,836 --> 01:13:57,672
for the way your
situation is.

1690
01:13:57,772 --> 01:13:59,874
You better leave me
the fuck alone, man.

1691
01:13:59,974 --> 01:14:01,642
It's because
you're comfortable,
right?

1692
01:14:01,742 --> 01:14:03,077
This is the life of
convenience for you

1693
01:14:03,177 --> 01:14:05,112
and any attempt
to change it
would shatter

1694
01:14:05,212 --> 01:14:07,480
the pathetic microcosm
you've fashioned
for yourself.

1695
01:14:07,581 --> 01:14:08,916
What?

1696
01:14:09,016 --> 01:14:10,584
Man, if you
weren't such
a fucking coward.

1697
01:14:10,685 --> 01:14:13,020
Oh, would you
shut the fuck up?

1698
01:14:14,487 --> 01:14:16,691
That's not
the line, man.

1699
01:14:16,791 --> 01:14:18,526
What are you doing?
My whole life

1700
01:14:18,626 --> 01:14:20,962
you've been running
your mouth a million
miles an hour

1701
01:14:21,062 --> 01:14:23,064
and saying
absolutely nothing!

1702
01:14:24,699 --> 01:14:26,000
I gotta listen
to you talk shit

1703
01:14:26,100 --> 01:14:28,202
about everybody
and everything
you think

1704
01:14:28,302 --> 01:14:31,272
as if the world's waiting
for you to weigh in!

1705
01:14:31,372 --> 01:14:33,607
Nobody fuckin' cares.

1706
01:14:33,708 --> 01:14:35,109
Oh, real nice, pal.

1707
01:14:35,209 --> 01:14:36,744
Get me all worked up
because it's not like

1708
01:14:36,844 --> 01:14:38,212
I had a heart attack
and almost...

1709
01:14:38,312 --> 01:14:41,916
Died! "I almost died
from a heart attack!

1710
01:14:42,016 --> 01:14:44,685
"Did I not mention
that a couple of
thousand times yet?"

1711
01:14:44,785 --> 01:14:47,688
Fuck you.
"Hey, everybody,
look at me.

1712
01:14:47,788 --> 01:14:49,223
"I'm the boy who lived."

1713
01:14:50,524 --> 01:14:52,159
"So I gotta
make a movie

1714
01:14:52,259 --> 01:14:54,295
"all about what
a relentless fucking
asshole I am

1715
01:14:54,395 --> 01:14:55,730
"to everybody
I ever met,

1716
01:14:55,830 --> 01:14:58,199
"especially my so-called
fucking friends."

1717
01:14:58,299 --> 01:15:00,001
Oh, we're not friends
anymore, man.

1718
01:15:00,101 --> 01:15:01,635
You can fucking
believe that shit.

1719
01:15:01,736 --> 01:15:02,937
Oh, good!
Yeah.

1720
01:15:03,037 --> 01:15:04,972
Because if we're
not friends,

1721
01:15:05,072 --> 01:15:07,775
I don't have to worry
anymore what
the cold, hard truth

1722
01:15:07,875 --> 01:15:09,844
might do to your poor,
wittle heart!

1723
01:15:09,944 --> 01:15:12,580
Oh, don't worry
about me, pal,
I'll be just fine.

1724
01:15:12,680 --> 01:15:13,848
So since I can
be completely

1725
01:15:13,948 --> 01:15:15,349
honest with you?
Oh, please,

1726
01:15:15,449 --> 01:15:17,118
be completely honest.

1727
01:15:19,020 --> 01:15:21,822
You think you
deserve a movie?

1728
01:15:21,922 --> 01:15:23,224
Yeah.

1729
01:15:23,324 --> 01:15:26,761
What did you
ever do in life
but watch it

1730
01:15:26,861 --> 01:15:28,496
and mock it?

1731
01:15:28,596 --> 01:15:30,998
What have you ever
fucking done?

1732
01:15:31,098 --> 01:15:32,666
I had a life.

1733
01:15:34,235 --> 01:15:36,637
I was this close
to happily ever after

1734
01:15:36,737 --> 01:15:40,307
and then, one drunk
driver later...

1735
01:15:41,642 --> 01:15:43,010
my movie's over.

1736
01:15:43,911 --> 01:15:44,979
Forever.

1737
01:15:46,547 --> 01:15:48,215
No happy ending,

1738
01:15:48,315 --> 01:15:50,117
no sequel.

1739
01:15:50,217 --> 01:15:52,253
Not even a third
fucking act,

1740
01:15:52,353 --> 01:15:55,623
just, "Fuck you!
And, oh, by the way,

1741
01:15:55,723 --> 01:15:58,926
"fuck you!" Credits.

1742
01:16:00,661 --> 01:16:01,996
But, hey...

1743
01:16:02,997 --> 01:16:05,399
What's that compared
to a heart attack?

1744
01:16:05,499 --> 01:16:07,668
I mean, shit!

1745
01:16:07,768 --> 01:16:10,204
You could have
almost died, right?

1746
01:16:10,304 --> 01:16:11,672
Yeah.

1747
01:16:11,772 --> 01:16:13,741
Well, some of us
did die.

1748
01:16:16,277 --> 01:16:19,313
Some of us have
been dead inside
ever since.

1749
01:16:19,413 --> 01:16:22,950
But then, just when
I'm able to walk
into this place

1750
01:16:23,050 --> 01:16:27,188
without wanting to
kill myself every day,
you have an idea.

1751
01:16:28,322 --> 01:16:30,291
You wanna make a movie
about your life.

1752
01:16:30,391 --> 01:16:33,327
Oh, and you...
you've been very
clear about that.

1753
01:16:34,295 --> 01:16:35,696
It's your life!

1754
01:16:37,198 --> 01:16:40,468
Well, get this,
you self-centered,

1755
01:16:40,569 --> 01:16:41,902
gaping wound
of a human being

1756
01:16:42,002 --> 01:16:44,338
with your insatiable
fucking ego!

1757
01:16:44,438 --> 01:16:46,207
The fuck?

1758
01:16:46,307 --> 01:16:47,641
Your life...

1759
01:16:48,676 --> 01:16:50,177
is my life!

1760
01:16:51,513 --> 01:16:54,949
I've been
there with you
the whole time!

1761
01:16:57,218 --> 01:17:00,688
And since you know
how hard that life's
been on me,

1762
01:17:01,590 --> 01:17:04,058
did it ever
occur to you

1763
01:17:04,158 --> 01:17:07,795
that maybe I didn't wanna
relive that fucking life?

1764
01:17:10,464 --> 01:17:11,699
So, I quit...

1765
01:17:12,466 --> 01:17:14,001
as your producer.

1766
01:17:15,736 --> 01:17:17,271
And I quit...

1767
01:17:18,706 --> 01:17:20,808
as your fucking friend.

1768
01:17:24,145 --> 01:17:26,747
'Cause I'm not
even supposed to...

1769
01:17:31,152 --> 01:17:33,654
Now that's what
I call acting!

1770
01:17:33,754 --> 01:17:36,625
Come on, everybody,
clap it up for that.

1771
01:17:36,724 --> 01:17:39,393
Okay, Drinkie-Mc-Stinky,
get up.

1772
01:17:41,630 --> 01:17:42,897
Dante?

1773
01:17:44,031 --> 01:17:45,032
Hey.

1774
01:17:45,666 --> 01:17:49,370
Hey. Hey! Dante!

1775
01:17:49,470 --> 01:17:50,704
Wake up, man. Hey!

1776
01:17:50,804 --> 01:17:52,106
Call an ambulance!

1777
01:17:52,206 --> 01:17:54,909
<i>Wake up, man.</i>
<i>Dante. Dante!</i>

1778
01:17:58,547 --> 01:18:00,549
Dante? Um...

1779
01:18:00,649 --> 01:18:02,082
Excuse me. We're...
What the...

1780
01:18:02,183 --> 01:18:03,585
No, you can't be
back here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

1781
01:18:03,684 --> 01:18:05,886
All right,
already. God.

1782
01:18:05,986 --> 01:18:07,121
They just brought
our friend in.

1783
01:18:07,221 --> 01:18:09,089
His name
is Dante Hicks.

1784
01:18:09,190 --> 01:18:10,791
He's the drunk guy
that collapsed
at the QuickStop.

1785
01:18:10,891 --> 01:18:12,326
Uh-huh.
The first
responder said

1786
01:18:12,426 --> 01:18:13,894
he's having
a heart attack.
Okay, okay.

1787
01:18:13,994 --> 01:18:15,095
You need to wait
out there, sir.

1788
01:18:15,196 --> 01:18:16,497
Someone will be by
to tell you more

1789
01:18:16,598 --> 01:18:17,765
as soon as
we know more.

1790
01:18:19,634 --> 01:18:20,834
Thank you.

1791
01:18:23,237 --> 01:18:25,873
This is where
I first rejected Jesus.

1792
01:18:25,973 --> 01:18:28,976
Yeah, and now look
what's happened.

1793
01:18:29,076 --> 01:18:30,612
So weird to be
back here.

1794
01:18:30,711 --> 01:18:32,913
Yeah, tell me
about it.

1795
01:18:33,013 --> 01:18:35,282
All right, look.
I'm gonna get
out of here.

1796
01:18:35,382 --> 01:18:37,751
Call me as soon
as they say something,
all right?

1797
01:18:37,851 --> 01:18:39,253
Wait, what?
Where are you going?

1798
01:18:39,353 --> 01:18:42,223
I'm gonna go work
on my movie, man.

1799
01:18:42,323 --> 01:18:43,224
Your movie?

1800
01:18:43,324 --> 01:18:45,125
Yeah, I mean,
it's almost done.

1801
01:18:45,226 --> 01:18:47,027
It's not like I'm doing
Dante any good
sitting around here.

1802
01:18:47,127 --> 01:18:49,096
I might as well
go work on my movie.

1803
01:18:49,196 --> 01:18:51,533
Are you kidding me?
Even now?

1804
01:18:51,633 --> 01:18:53,602
"Even now" what?

1805
01:18:53,702 --> 01:18:55,002
"Oh, my movie.

1806
01:18:55,102 --> 01:18:57,137
"My movie!
Everybody make
my movie

1807
01:18:57,238 --> 01:18:59,006
"because it's
so important."

1808
01:18:59,106 --> 01:19:01,141
This is neither
the time nor the place

1809
01:19:01,242 --> 01:19:03,010
to do an impression
of Chris Nolan.

1810
01:19:03,110 --> 01:19:05,012
I'm doing
an impression
of you, Randal.

1811
01:19:05,112 --> 01:19:06,447
We're in
the hospital.

1812
01:19:06,548 --> 01:19:08,516
That's stating
the obvious.
No.

1813
01:19:08,617 --> 01:19:10,784
The obvious statement
right now would be,

1814
01:19:10,884 --> 01:19:12,186
"Never mind the movie,

1815
01:19:12,286 --> 01:19:13,921
"my best friend's
in the hospital."

1816
01:19:14,021 --> 01:19:17,791
It's just a heart attack.
I had one. He'll be fine.

1817
01:19:17,891 --> 01:19:20,094
Fuck you, Randal.

1818
01:19:20,194 --> 01:19:21,428
Fuck you.

1819
01:19:21,529 --> 01:19:23,097
Come on.
God, man.

1820
01:19:23,197 --> 01:19:25,199
I used to look up
to you so much

1821
01:19:25,299 --> 01:19:27,702
but you're the worst,
you know that?

1822
01:19:27,801 --> 01:19:29,069
The worst
in the world.

1823
01:19:29,169 --> 01:19:32,439
Mr. Dante made
your movie happen.

1824
01:19:32,540 --> 01:19:34,676
I made my
movie happen.

1825
01:19:34,775 --> 01:19:37,244
I had the idea
to make the movie.

1826
01:19:37,344 --> 01:19:38,546
I wrote the script

1827
01:19:38,647 --> 01:19:40,414
and I'm the
goddamn director.

1828
01:19:40,515 --> 01:19:42,316
I made this
movie happen.

1829
01:19:42,416 --> 01:19:43,917
It was all me.

1830
01:19:44,018 --> 01:19:46,755
Oh, it was
all you, huh?
Yeah.

1831
01:19:46,854 --> 01:19:48,188
Okay.

1832
01:19:49,256 --> 01:19:51,425
Take off your stupid
mask, Randal.

1833
01:19:52,259 --> 01:19:53,894
Yeah.

1834
01:19:53,994 --> 01:19:56,196
Because I remember
Mr. Dante
doing everything.

1835
01:19:56,297 --> 01:19:59,933
He even called
his ex-fiancee
who hates his guts.

1836
01:20:00,034 --> 01:20:02,604
He put up his half
of QuickStop

1837
01:20:02,704 --> 01:20:05,674
just to get you
the money to make
your stupid movie.

1838
01:20:05,774 --> 01:20:07,141
Wait a minute.

1839
01:20:07,241 --> 01:20:09,310
Dante got the money
for my movie from Emma?

1840
01:20:09,410 --> 01:20:10,978
<i>Code Blue. ER 7.</i>

1841
01:20:11,078 --> 01:20:13,013
Dante, I didn't know
about Emma.

1842
01:20:13,113 --> 01:20:14,348
I just found out.
You again?
What did I say?

1843
01:20:14,448 --> 01:20:15,750
I didn't know.
What did I say, huh?

1844
01:20:15,849 --> 01:20:17,051
Security!
Is he okay?

1845
01:20:17,151 --> 01:20:18,285
Get out of here,
man. Get out!

1846
01:20:18,385 --> 01:20:20,888
Is he okay?
Get out! Security!

1847
01:20:20,988 --> 01:20:23,123
All right.
Get off of me!

1848
01:20:24,391 --> 01:20:26,126
Randal, where
are you going?

1849
01:20:27,828 --> 01:20:31,298
<i>♪ Skip amongst</i>
<i>The telephone lines</i>

1850
01:20:33,200 --> 01:20:36,203
<i>♪ Catch a frequency</i>
<i>To pass the time</i>

1851
01:20:38,372 --> 01:20:42,376
<i>♪ Anything's better</i>
<i>Than New Jersey</i>

1852
01:20:43,410 --> 01:20:46,980
<i>♪ Living along the turnpike</i>

1853
01:20:51,519 --> 01:20:53,621
<i>♪ Headed home</i>

1854
01:20:53,722 --> 01:20:54,888
Fuck!

1855
01:20:54,988 --> 01:20:56,857
<i>♪ With the smell of smoke</i>

1856
01:20:56,957 --> 01:21:00,327
<i>♪ We ran out of things</i>
<i>To say</i>

1857
01:21:01,995 --> 01:21:04,231
<i>♪ So let it unfold</i>

1858
01:21:04,331 --> 01:21:07,167
<i>♪ We pumped the tires full</i>

1859
01:21:07,267 --> 01:21:12,373
<i>♪ All our favorite songs</i>
<i>Were shitty anyway</i>

1860
01:21:12,473 --> 01:21:16,243
<i>♪ Anything's better</i>
<i>Than New Jersey</i>

1861
01:21:17,612 --> 01:21:21,482
<i>♪ Skip amongst</i>
<i>The telephone lines</i>

1862
01:21:22,817 --> 01:21:27,020
<i>♪ Anything's better</i>
<i>Than New Jersey</i>

1863
01:21:28,122 --> 01:21:31,358
<i>♪ Living along the turnpike</i>

1864
01:21:44,037 --> 01:21:47,207
<i>♪ I'd give anything</i>
<i>To go home</i>

1865
01:21:47,307 --> 01:21:49,209
<i>♪ I'd give anything</i>
<i>To go home</i>

1866
01:21:49,309 --> 01:21:52,246
<i>♪ I gave up everything</i>
<i>To leave</i>

1867
01:21:52,346 --> 01:21:54,582
<i>♪ I gave up everything</i>
<i>To leave</i>

1868
01:21:54,682 --> 01:21:57,418
<i>♪ I'd give anything</i>
<i>To go home</i>

1869
01:21:57,519 --> 01:21:59,319
<i>♪ I'd give anything</i>
<i>To go home</i>

1870
01:21:59,420 --> 01:22:02,389
<i>♪ I gave up everything</i>
<i>To leave</i>

1871
01:22:02,489 --> 01:22:04,091
<i>♪ I gave up everything... ♪</i>

1872
01:22:04,191 --> 01:22:06,427
I think it needs
more weed.
Hmm.

1873
01:22:06,528 --> 01:22:07,762
God. Hey...

1874
01:22:07,862 --> 01:22:09,463
I need your help
with Dante.

1875
01:22:12,600 --> 01:22:13,768
Who's Dante?

1876
01:22:13,868 --> 01:22:16,905
The fuck do
you mean? Dante.

1877
01:22:17,004 --> 01:22:20,240
The other guy,
the guy in the QuickStop
who's not me?

1878
01:22:20,340 --> 01:22:22,109
Wait, I thought
his name was Sergio.

1879
01:22:22,209 --> 01:22:25,045
Ain't his name Sergio?
It's fucking Dante.

1880
01:22:25,145 --> 01:22:27,147
Are you gonna
help me or not?

1881
01:22:27,247 --> 01:22:29,651
Anything for
our boy Sergio.

1882
01:22:29,751 --> 01:22:32,986
I need to sneak
into the hospital
to get to Sergio,

1883
01:22:33,086 --> 01:22:37,324
so I want you guys
to create a very
subtle distraction.

1884
01:22:37,424 --> 01:22:41,061
I took a poo
in the ICU!

1885
01:22:41,161 --> 01:22:42,664
I took a...
Oh, shit!

1886
01:22:42,764 --> 01:22:44,532
Hey! Hey!

1887
01:22:45,600 --> 01:22:48,268
<i>♪ Give up everything to leave</i>

1888
01:22:48,368 --> 01:22:51,639
<i>♪ Anything's better</i>
<i>Than New Jersey</i>

1889
01:22:51,739 --> 01:22:53,875
<i>♪ I'd give anything</i>
<i>To go home</i>

1890
01:22:53,974 --> 01:22:56,443
<i>♪ Living along the turnpike ♪</i>

1891
01:23:03,818 --> 01:23:05,252
Dante?

1892
01:23:13,962 --> 01:23:15,930
Hey, man.

1893
01:23:16,029 --> 01:23:19,366
I figure, since
you're just
laying around here...

1894
01:23:19,466 --> 01:23:21,636
you little heart
attack copycat.

1895
01:23:23,303 --> 01:23:26,240
You got time to watch
our first movie.

1896
01:23:28,008 --> 01:23:29,577
Huh?

1897
01:23:43,457 --> 01:23:45,058
You're gonna see
I was way off

1898
01:23:45,158 --> 01:23:47,862
with that stupid shit
I said at the store.

1899
01:23:47,962 --> 01:23:53,033
I never... never would
have made this
movie without you.

1900
01:23:55,402 --> 01:23:57,639
I never could do
anything without you.

1901
01:24:03,545 --> 01:24:05,980
I'm here, man.
I'm here.

1902
01:24:06,079 --> 01:24:08,048
Let's watch the movie.

1903
01:24:41,616 --> 01:24:43,851
This is the way
I see you.

1904
01:24:43,952 --> 01:24:47,387
You're the main character
in my <i>Star Wars.</i>

1905
01:24:47,487 --> 01:24:49,791
You're not the Dak.

1906
01:24:49,891 --> 01:24:52,660
You've always
been the Luke.

1907
01:24:52,760 --> 01:24:55,362
You're
the hero of my movie, too.

1908
01:24:57,197 --> 01:24:59,466
You've always been
my hero, Dante.

1909
01:24:59,567 --> 01:25:03,938
<i>♪ The water is wide</i>

1910
01:25:04,038 --> 01:25:07,240
<i>♪ I can't get over</i>

1911
01:25:08,408 --> 01:25:12,780
<i>♪ Neither have I</i>

1912
01:25:12,880 --> 01:25:17,184
<i>♪ The wings to fly</i>

1913
01:25:17,284 --> 01:25:21,455
<i>♪ So go and get</i>

1914
01:25:21,556 --> 01:25:24,692
<i>♪ Me to a boat</i>

1915
01:25:26,094 --> 01:25:29,363
<i>♪ To carry both</i>

1916
01:25:30,197 --> 01:25:34,669
<i>♪ My love and I</i>

1917
01:26:09,469 --> 01:26:11,338
<i>♪ There is a ship</i>

1918
01:26:14,042 --> 01:26:17,344
<i>♪ Out on the sea</i>

1919
01:26:18,345 --> 01:26:22,750
<i>♪ And loaded deep</i>

1920
01:26:22,850 --> 01:26:25,820
<i>♪ As it can be</i>

1921
01:26:27,320 --> 01:26:31,358
<i>♪ But not as deep</i>

1922
01:26:31,458 --> 01:26:34,829
<i>♪ As love am I</i>

1923
01:26:34,929 --> 01:26:35,997
Let's go.

1924
01:26:36,097 --> 01:26:37,264
<i>♪ Don't care if I</i>

1925
01:26:37,364 --> 01:26:39,299
Yeah?
Yeah.

1926
01:26:40,267 --> 01:26:42,603
<i>♪ Should live or die...</i>

1927
01:26:45,405 --> 01:26:47,274
That was the best
movie I ever saw.

1928
01:26:48,308 --> 01:26:49,610
But it's not over.

1929
01:26:50,511 --> 01:26:52,345
Don't you wanna
see how it ends?

1930
01:26:53,047 --> 01:26:54,582
I trust the director.

1931
01:26:55,717 --> 01:26:58,285
He wasn't just
my favorite filmmaker...

1932
01:26:58,385 --> 01:27:02,389
<i>♪ The wings to fly</i>

1933
01:27:03,390 --> 01:27:05,225
He was my best friend.

1934
01:27:07,095 --> 01:27:09,931
<i>♪ Me to a boat</i>

1935
01:27:11,132 --> 01:27:13,968
<i>♪ To carry both</i>

1936
01:27:15,435 --> 01:27:19,507
<i>♪ My love and I</i>

1937
01:27:19,607 --> 01:27:23,243
<i>♪ To carry both</i>

1938
01:27:24,212 --> 01:27:28,415
<i>♪ My love and I</i>

1939
01:27:34,622 --> 01:27:36,858
What's goin' on?

1940
01:27:37,892 --> 01:27:39,193
You okay? Hey.

1941
01:27:39,292 --> 01:27:41,428
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey!

1942
01:27:41,529 --> 01:27:43,898
Don't fucking
leave me, man.

1943
01:27:43,998 --> 01:27:45,967
Don't leave me!

1944
01:27:46,067 --> 01:27:48,102
Oh, shit. Help!

1945
01:28:00,782 --> 01:28:02,750
And that's when
the good thief said,

1946
01:28:02,850 --> 01:28:06,921
"Jesus did no wrong,
whereas we are
but thieves."

1947
01:28:08,455 --> 01:28:09,924
What the fuck
are butt thieves?

1948
01:28:10,024 --> 01:28:11,458
I don't know
if any of you
know this

1949
01:28:11,559 --> 01:28:15,196
but I'm
a Satanist now.

1950
01:28:15,295 --> 01:28:17,799
And while I may be
the devil's concubine,

1951
01:28:18,599 --> 01:28:20,467
I still believe
in heaven.

1952
01:28:20,568 --> 01:28:22,570
And because
Mr. Dante

1953
01:28:22,670 --> 01:28:25,106
was the best person
that I ever knew,

1954
01:28:25,206 --> 01:28:27,340
I believe
he's in heaven
right now,

1955
01:28:28,341 --> 01:28:29,911
just like
the good thief.

1956
01:28:32,213 --> 01:28:33,648
Dante's <i>Inferno.</i>

1957
01:28:34,916 --> 01:28:35,917
No.

1958
01:28:36,918 --> 01:28:38,519
Dante's <i>Paradiso!</i>

1959
01:28:39,821 --> 01:28:40,822
<i>Si.</i>

1960
01:28:59,674 --> 01:29:01,609
<i>Grazie,</i> Elias.

1961
01:29:05,279 --> 01:29:09,183
I, uh...

1962
01:29:09,283 --> 01:29:12,720
I thought a lot about
what to say here today.

1963
01:29:12,820 --> 01:29:14,454
I was gonna pull
from the eulogy

1964
01:29:14,555 --> 01:29:17,792
that Kirk gave Spock
in <i>The Wrath of Khan,</i>

1965
01:29:17,892 --> 01:29:19,794
but I've always
been more of
a <i>Star Wars</i> fan

1966
01:29:19,894 --> 01:29:22,163
so I should say
something like,

1967
01:29:22,263 --> 01:29:26,499
"May the Force be with you"
or "This is the Way."

1968
01:29:27,668 --> 01:29:29,337
But I think instead
of quoting a movie,

1969
01:29:29,436 --> 01:29:32,106
I'd like to paraphrase
the departed.

1970
01:29:32,206 --> 01:29:34,542
And by the departed,
I mean Dante Hicks,

1971
01:29:34,642 --> 01:29:37,111
not the Scorsese picture
that was pretty perfect

1972
01:29:37,211 --> 01:29:40,081
right up until that
stupid shot of the rat
at the end.

1973
01:29:42,516 --> 01:29:45,086
So in the words...

1974
01:29:45,186 --> 01:29:47,588
...of the best guy
I ever knew...

1975
01:29:50,725 --> 01:29:53,628
"You're not
even supposed
to be here today."

1976
01:29:53,728 --> 01:29:57,598
<i>♪ Nothing you would take</i>

1977
01:29:57,698 --> 01:30:02,670
<i>♪ Everything you gave</i>

1978
01:30:02,770 --> 01:30:06,507
<i>♪ Hold me 'til I die</i>

1979
01:30:06,607 --> 01:30:11,612
<i>♪ Meet you on the other side</i>

1980
01:30:15,750 --> 01:30:17,351
Come on in here,
you little butt thief,

1981
01:30:17,450 --> 01:30:20,453
and assume your
new position.

1982
01:30:20,554 --> 01:30:22,422
But this was
Mr. Dante's spot.

1983
01:30:22,523 --> 01:30:24,058
Yeah, well,
after all this time

1984
01:30:24,158 --> 01:30:26,827
of being my biggest
and only fanboy,

1985
01:30:26,928 --> 01:30:28,896
I'd say you
earned it.

1986
01:30:28,996 --> 01:30:30,497
Besides, I told you
way back when
we worked at Mooby's

1987
01:30:30,598 --> 01:30:31,899
when Dante is gone,

1988
01:30:31,999 --> 01:30:33,466
you're gonna be
my new best friend.

1989
01:30:34,635 --> 01:30:36,170
No, I'm not.

1990
01:30:36,270 --> 01:30:37,772
Who the fuck
else am I gonna
hang out with?

1991
01:30:37,872 --> 01:30:39,173
It's you and
me, buddy.

1992
01:30:41,441 --> 01:30:43,443
Oh, fuck.

1993
01:30:43,544 --> 01:30:46,547
Well, look who it is,
Mr. Big Shit.

1994
01:30:46,647 --> 01:30:49,684
Well, look who it is,
Mrs. Big Clit.

1995
01:30:49,784 --> 01:30:52,186
Classy. How am
I not surprised?

1996
01:30:52,286 --> 01:30:54,555
I was surprised
to see you
at the cemetery.

1997
01:30:54,655 --> 01:30:56,357
You flew up
for Dante?

1998
01:30:56,456 --> 01:31:00,127
Well, I did almost
marry the man,
and if I had... P.S.

1999
01:31:00,227 --> 01:31:02,129
He wouldn't have died
of a heart attack

2000
01:31:02,229 --> 01:31:03,664
before he was 50.

2001
01:31:03,764 --> 01:31:05,833
Yeah, because
after a year
with you,

2002
01:31:05,933 --> 01:31:07,501
he'd have
killed himself.

2003
01:31:07,601 --> 01:31:10,271
I think I heard
you had a heart attack.

2004
01:31:10,371 --> 01:31:11,706
Am I right?

2005
01:31:12,974 --> 01:31:15,242
That must really
fuck with you.

2006
01:31:15,343 --> 01:31:19,113
Dante's dead but
you're still here.

2007
01:31:19,213 --> 01:31:21,315
I guess it's true
what they say, Randal.

2008
01:31:21,415 --> 01:31:24,685
Only the good
die young.

2009
01:31:24,785 --> 01:31:26,420
To what do
I owe the pleasure

2010
01:31:26,520 --> 01:31:29,357
of your entirely
unwelcome visit?

2011
01:31:29,457 --> 01:31:33,060
I loaned Dante
30 grand

2012
01:31:33,160 --> 01:31:37,598
and he put his half
of the store up
as collateral.

2013
01:31:37,698 --> 01:31:39,433
Now he's gone.

2014
01:31:39,533 --> 01:31:43,504
And if you can't
pay me back,
I own half this shithole.

2015
01:31:46,340 --> 01:31:48,609
How big's
my clit now,
motherfucker?

2016
01:31:48,709 --> 01:31:51,278
Oh, my sweet Satan,

2017
01:31:52,680 --> 01:31:55,483
lend your might
to the meek
and deliver us

2018
01:31:55,583 --> 01:31:57,885
from this succubus.

2019
01:31:58,753 --> 01:32:00,788
What the...

2020
01:32:00,888 --> 01:32:02,757
The kites are flying!
Ah!

2021
01:32:02,857 --> 01:32:05,059
I repeat!
The kites are...

2022
01:32:05,159 --> 01:32:06,193
flying!
He talks?

2023
01:32:06,293 --> 01:32:08,162
Yes.
Oh, my God.

2024
01:32:08,262 --> 01:32:09,530
Oh, my God!

2025
01:32:09,630 --> 01:32:11,432
Oh, my God!
What?

2026
01:32:11,532 --> 01:32:12,833
The kites
are sold out.

2027
01:32:12,933 --> 01:32:15,436
The fucking kites,
God, the kites.

2028
01:32:15,536 --> 01:32:17,138
The Crimson
Kite NFT's,

2029
01:32:17,238 --> 01:32:19,073
<i>the ones we minted for</i>
<i>the Crimson Crypto Club.</i>

2030
01:32:19,173 --> 01:32:20,641
Blockchain put them
on sale last night

2031
01:32:20,741 --> 01:32:21,909
and they all
sold out.

2032
01:32:22,009 --> 01:32:23,512
So?

2033
01:32:23,611 --> 01:32:24,845
The two of us
just made...

2034
01:32:24,945 --> 01:32:26,380
One million!
One million!

2035
01:32:26,480 --> 01:32:27,882
One million dollars!
Ah!

2036
01:32:27,982 --> 01:32:30,885
Hail Satan!
I'm crypto
rich, bitch!

2037
01:32:30,985 --> 01:32:34,722
I just cashed out
$100,000 just to
flex and buy sex.

2038
01:32:34,822 --> 01:32:36,390
Here, take that.
Shit.

2039
01:32:36,490 --> 01:32:38,225
What're you gonna
do with your
money, Big E?

2040
01:32:38,325 --> 01:32:41,028
I'll never be able
to earn my place
behind this counter

2041
01:32:41,128 --> 01:32:44,331
but now I can buy it.
Here's your sucking

2042
01:32:44,432 --> 01:32:45,599
blood money.
Oh!

2043
01:32:45,699 --> 01:32:48,235
Now, get the hell
out of our store!

2044
01:32:48,335 --> 01:32:51,138
Well played, clerks.

2045
01:32:52,106 --> 01:32:53,542
Sorry about
the mess.

2046
01:32:53,641 --> 01:32:56,343
That was from
<i>Star Wars.</i>

2047
01:32:56,444 --> 01:32:58,312
I only said it
'cause you
and Mr. Dante

2048
01:32:58,412 --> 01:33:00,347
used to talk
about <i>Star Wars.</i>
I know.

2049
01:33:00,448 --> 01:33:01,982
Long time ago.

2050
01:33:03,250 --> 01:33:06,320
In a galaxy
far, far away...

2051
01:33:07,288 --> 01:33:08,989
Holy fuck,
that's a lot
of money.

2052
01:33:09,090 --> 01:33:10,491
You wanna buy
some weed?

2053
01:33:10,591 --> 01:33:12,359
Yes! I wanna buy
all the weed!

2054
01:33:12,460 --> 01:33:13,694
Here's ten grand.

2055
01:33:13,794 --> 01:33:15,096
Whoo! That's gonna
get you higher

2056
01:33:15,196 --> 01:33:17,532
than Godzilla's
asshole.

2057
01:33:17,631 --> 01:33:19,967
Yo, where those
kites at?

2058
01:33:20,067 --> 01:33:22,603
Right this way,
valued customer.

2059
01:33:25,206 --> 01:33:27,108
Aye-yi-yi.

2060
01:33:41,088 --> 01:33:43,090
I wish you were
here, man.

2061
01:33:44,992 --> 01:33:48,362
<i>♪ I'm from New Jersey</i>

2062
01:33:48,462 --> 01:33:51,732
<i>♪ I don't expect too much</i>

2063
01:33:51,832 --> 01:33:54,869
<i>♪ If the world ended today</i>

2064
01:33:54,969 --> 01:33:57,171
<i>♪ I would adjust</i>

2065
01:33:58,405 --> 01:34:01,408
<i>♪ I'm from New Jersey</i>

2066
01:34:01,510 --> 01:34:04,579
<i>♪ No, I don't talk that way</i>

2067
01:34:04,678 --> 01:34:08,449
<i>♪ I watched too much TV</i>

2068
01:34:08,550 --> 01:34:10,918
<i>♪ When I was young</i>

2069
01:34:13,087 --> 01:34:15,022
<i>♪ There are girls</i>
<i>From New Jersey</i>

2070
01:34:15,122 --> 01:34:19,894
<i>♪ Who have</i>
<i>That great big hair</i>

2071
01:34:19,994 --> 01:34:22,531
<i>♪ They're found</i>
<i>In shopping malls</i>

2072
01:34:22,631 --> 01:34:29,303
<i>♪ I will take you there</i>

2073
01:34:38,179 --> 01:34:41,682
<i>♪ I'm from New Jersey</i>

2074
01:34:41,782 --> 01:34:44,852
<i>♪ It's not like Texas</i>

2075
01:34:44,952 --> 01:34:48,389
<i>♪ There is no mystery</i>

2076
01:34:48,489 --> 01:34:51,660
<i>♪ I can't pretend</i>

2077
01:34:51,759 --> 01:34:54,895
<i>♪ I'm from New Jersey</i>

2078
01:34:54,995 --> 01:34:58,533
<i>♪ It's like Ohio</i>

2079
01:34:58,633 --> 01:35:01,702
<i>♪ But even more so</i>

2080
01:35:01,802 --> 01:35:04,071
<i>♪ Imagine that</i>

2081
01:35:06,608 --> 01:35:09,009
<i>♪ I know which exit</i>

2082
01:35:09,109 --> 01:35:13,480
<i>♪ And where I'm bound</i>

2083
01:35:13,582 --> 01:35:15,617
<i>♪ The tolls on the parkway</i>

2084
01:35:15,716 --> 01:35:21,956
<i>♪ They will slow you down</i>

2085
01:35:31,732 --> 01:35:34,868
<i>♪ New Jersey people</i>

2086
01:35:34,969 --> 01:35:38,005
<i>♪ They will surprise you</i>

2087
01:35:38,105 --> 01:35:41,742
<i>♪ 'Cause they're not expected</i>

2088
01:35:41,842 --> 01:35:44,778
<i>♪ To do too much</i>

2089
01:35:44,878 --> 01:35:48,082
<i>♪ They will try harder</i>

2090
01:35:48,182 --> 01:35:51,720
<i>♪ They may go further</i>

2091
01:35:51,819 --> 01:35:53,521
<i>♪ 'Cause they never think</i>

2092
01:35:53,622 --> 01:35:57,224
<i>♪ That they are good enough</i>

2093
01:35:58,225 --> 01:36:01,696
<i>♪ I'm from New Jersey</i>

2094
01:36:01,829 --> 01:36:04,965
<i>♪ I don't expect too much</i>

2095
01:36:05,065 --> 01:36:08,102
<i>♪ If the world ended today</i>

2096
01:36:08,202 --> 01:36:11,438
<i>♪ I would adjust</i>

2097
01:36:11,539 --> 01:36:13,941
<i>♪ I would adjust</i>

2098
01:36:14,975 --> 01:36:17,811
<i>♪ I would adjust ♪</i>

2099
01:36:50,978 --> 01:36:52,714
<i>Hey, kids!</i>
<i>It's me, Kevin Smith,</i>

2100
01:36:52,813 --> 01:36:56,016
<i>and I can't thank you enough</i>
<i>for making this third trip</i>

2101
01:36:56,116 --> 01:36:59,153
<i>to the convenience store</i>
<i>with me. Thank you.</i>

2102
01:36:59,253 --> 01:37:01,322
<i>Um... This time's</i>
<i>exciting for me</i>

2103
01:37:01,422 --> 01:37:03,957
<i>because this time everyone</i>
<i>finally gets to see</i> Clerks

2104
01:37:04,058 --> 01:37:05,794
<i>the way I've always</i>
<i>seen    </i> Clerks.

2105
01:37:05,893 --> 01:37:08,062
<i>Most people think that    </i> Clerks
<i>is a black and white movie</i>

2106
01:37:08,162 --> 01:37:10,297
<i>and they're right.</i>
<i>It was shot on black</i>
<i>and white film.</i>

2107
01:37:10,397 --> 01:37:13,367
<i>But, to me,</i>
<i>whenever I watch    </i> Clerks,

2108
01:37:13,467 --> 01:37:14,703
<i>even though</i>
<i>it's in black and white,</i>

2109
01:37:14,803 --> 01:37:16,538
<i>the movie appears in color.</i>

2110
01:37:16,638 --> 01:37:17,806
<i>Because I lived that life.</i>

2111
01:37:17,905 --> 01:37:19,574
<i>And so now, thanks to Lee Ron,</i>

2112
01:37:19,674 --> 01:37:23,778
<i>you're all seein' QuickStop</i>
<i>and the surrounding area,</i>

2113
01:37:23,877 --> 01:37:25,613
<i>uh, Dante, Randal,</i>
<i>Jay and Silent Bob</i>

2114
01:37:25,714 --> 01:37:28,982
<i>as I've always seen them</i>
<i>from day one.</i>

2115
01:37:29,083 --> 01:37:31,285
<i>Um, in vivid, living color.</i>

2116
01:37:31,385 --> 01:37:36,624
<i>Uh, you know, QuickStop</i>
<i>is the unsung, uh, star</i>

2117
01:37:36,725 --> 01:37:38,959
<i>of all the    </i> Clerks <i>movies,</i>
<i>if not,</i>

2118
01:37:39,059 --> 01:37:40,662
<i>you know, the epicenter</i>

2119
01:37:40,762 --> 01:37:42,831
<i>of the View Askewniverse</i>
<i>films in general.</i>

2120
01:37:42,930 --> 01:37:44,865
<i>Um, all stories emanate</i>

2121
01:37:44,965 --> 01:37:48,068
<i>and flow from that</i>
<i>little building.</i>

2122
01:37:48,168 --> 01:37:51,405
<i>And when I worked there...</i>

2123
01:37:51,506 --> 01:37:54,074
<i>um, I hated it.</i>
<i>I didn't want to be there.</i>

2124
01:37:54,174 --> 01:37:55,376
<i>I didn't wanna work</i>
<i>for somebody else</i>

2125
01:37:55,476 --> 01:37:56,910
<i>and I didn't wanna work there.</i>

2126
01:37:57,010 --> 01:37:59,079
<i>And people would come in</i>

2127
01:37:59,179 --> 01:38:00,682
<i>and I'd be like, "Oh, my God,</i>

2128
01:38:00,782 --> 01:38:02,751
<i>"I have to actually</i>
<i>wait on people?</i>

2129
01:38:02,851 --> 01:38:04,519
<i>"I just wanna watch TV."</i>

2130
01:38:04,619 --> 01:38:06,153
<i>I didn't even wanna work</i>
<i>at the convenience store.</i>

2131
01:38:06,253 --> 01:38:07,689
<i>I tried to get a job</i>
<i>at RST Video.</i>

2132
01:38:07,789 --> 01:38:09,524
<i>There was an ad</i>
<i>in the paper for it.</i>

2133
01:38:09,624 --> 01:38:11,191
<i>I went down</i>
<i>and talked to Mr. Topper.</i>

2134
01:38:11,291 --> 01:38:12,761
<i>He said... He goes,</i>
<i>"I see you have</i>

2135
01:38:12,861 --> 01:38:14,995
<i>"convenience store</i>
<i>experience as well."</i>

2136
01:38:15,095 --> 01:38:17,297
<i>I said, "Yeah,</i>
<i>I worked in a bunch</i>
<i>of convenience stores."</i>

2137
01:38:17,398 --> 01:38:19,032
<i>And he goes,</i>
<i>"Would you be</i>
<i>willing to work</i>

2138
01:38:19,133 --> 01:38:20,702
<i>"in this convenience</i>
<i>store next door</i>

2139
01:38:20,802 --> 01:38:22,436
<i>"from time to time because</i>
<i>we own that as well?"</i>

2140
01:38:22,537 --> 01:38:24,171
<i>And I was like, "Uh, yeah,</i>
<i>if you need help."</i>

2141
01:38:24,271 --> 01:38:25,607
<i>And, uh, famous last</i>
<i>words because it...</i>

2142
01:38:25,707 --> 01:38:27,274
<i>it was a convenience</i>
<i>store job.</i>

2143
01:38:27,374 --> 01:38:29,376
<i>He catfished me.</i>
<i>I just wound up</i>

2144
01:38:29,476 --> 01:38:31,178
<i>working in a convenience store</i>
<i>with a couple of hours in...</i>

2145
01:38:31,278 --> 01:38:33,515
<i>in a video store,</i>
<i>teased with paradise,</i>

2146
01:38:33,615 --> 01:38:37,317
<i>then seduced and abandoned</i>
<i>to sell, uh, goods.</i>

2147
01:38:37,418 --> 01:38:40,020
<i>So in</i> Clerks, <i>Randal says,</i>

2148
01:38:40,120 --> 01:38:41,589
<i>"Man, this job would be great</i>

2149
01:38:41,689 --> 01:38:43,558
<i>"if it wasn't for</i>
<i>the fuckin' customers."</i>

2150
01:38:43,658 --> 01:38:45,827
<i>Uh, but in the script</i>
<i>for</i> Clerks III,

2151
01:38:45,926 --> 01:38:47,896
<i>I'm gonna read you a little</i>
<i>something that was there</i>

2152
01:38:47,995 --> 01:38:49,163
<i>that I didn't use</i>
<i>in the movie.</i>

2153
01:38:49,263 --> 01:38:50,799
<i>During the pullback shot</i>

2154
01:38:50,899 --> 01:38:52,834
<i>at the very end,</i>
<i>you hear John Gorka's</i>

2155
01:38:52,933 --> 01:38:54,334
<i>beautiful</i>
I'm From New Jersey.

2156
01:38:54,435 --> 01:38:56,170
<i>And it was so lovely,</i>

2157
01:38:56,270 --> 01:38:58,540
<i>I left that moment alone</i>
<i>and didn't put in</i>

2158
01:38:58,640 --> 01:39:00,875
<i>what in the script called</i>
<i>for, the voice of Smod.</i>

2159
01:39:00,974 --> 01:39:04,344
<i>That would be me.</i>
<i>And this is what you</i>
<i>would have heard.</i>

2160
01:39:04,445 --> 01:39:06,681
<i>"Randal Graves spent</i>
<i>the rest of his life</i>

2161
01:39:06,781 --> 01:39:08,215
<i>"running QuickStop Groceries</i>

2162
01:39:08,315 --> 01:39:09,983
<i>"whenever he wasn't</i>
<i>making movies,</i>

2163
01:39:10,083 --> 01:39:11,985
<i>"with each film</i>
<i>financed solely</i>

2164
01:39:12,085 --> 01:39:14,556
<i>"by Crimson Crypto Studios.</i>

2165
01:39:14,656 --> 01:39:16,356
<i>"At a screening</i>
<i>of his final film,</i>

2166
01:39:16,457 --> 01:39:18,358
<i>"the    </i> Asbury Park Press
<i>asked him</i>

2167
01:39:18,459 --> 01:39:21,195
<i>"to sum up</i>
<i>a life spent satisfying</i>

2168
01:39:21,295 --> 01:39:24,498
<i>"both the public's demand</i>
<i>for cigarettes and soda</i>

2169
01:39:24,599 --> 01:39:27,134
<i>"as well as their appetite</i>
<i>for the many movies</i>

2170
01:39:27,234 --> 01:39:30,705
<i>"he made after</i>
<i>his celebrated</i>
<i>debut,    </i> Clerk.

2171
01:39:30,805 --> 01:39:33,741
<i>"The 90-year-old</i>
<i>Randal Graves replied,</i>

2172
01:39:33,842 --> 01:39:35,577
<i>"'I always thought that jobs</i>
<i>would have been great</i>

2173
01:39:35,677 --> 01:39:37,846
<i>"'if it weren't for</i>
<i>the fuckin' customers.</i>

2174
01:39:37,946 --> 01:39:39,681
<i>"'But as it turns out,</i>

2175
01:39:39,781 --> 01:39:43,083
<i>"'these jobs are great because</i>
<i>of the fuckin' customers.'"</i>

2176
01:39:44,151 --> 01:39:45,887
<i>He means it and so do I.</i>

2177
01:39:45,986 --> 01:39:47,555
<i>Thank you to everybody</i>

2178
01:39:47,655 --> 01:39:49,056
<i>whoever walked through</i>
<i>the door of that store</i>

2179
01:39:49,156 --> 01:39:50,825
<i>and made me think,</i>

2180
01:39:50,925 --> 01:39:53,126
<i>"Somebody should put this</i>
<i>in a fuckin' movie."</i>

2181
01:39:53,227 --> 01:39:56,096
<i>Somebody did. Thank you.</i>

2182
01:39:56,965 --> 01:39:59,166
<i>Yeah!</i>