Two straight men
But one will win
The...
"Gayme Show!"
Rita Ora, everyone.
Yes, Rita Ora,
which of course is queer for, "Okay, gorgeous."
Okay!
I'm your host, Dave Mizzoni.
And here's the thing, I'm also your host, Matt Rogers,
and this is "Gayme Show!"
where we take two straight contestants and put them head-to-head
to see which one of them will be named honorarily...
- Gay as fuck! - Gay as fuck!
And will reign forevermore as queen of the straights.
Oh, yeah, yeah!
Now, before we meet our straights, let's get to know their lifelines,
or as we call them, life partners.
First up, it's our wise queer,
please welcome Bowen Yang.
And now the woman who gets it, it's Ilana Glazer!
And with that, we're ready to meet the straights.
- Release them! - Go.
Jon Gabrus appears in a mural in his hometown pizzeria Mama Gina's.
That's true.
Moshe Kasher has attended Burning Man 20 times.
Celebrity Essences!
Contestants will now be given three different clues,
which, when combined, will form the essence of a particular celebrity.
Your clues are...
a horny golden retriever.
Hey, let him finish.
Clap pushups.
It's like masculinity but louder.
And a really hard handshake that's like, "We get it."
You're hurting me.
Contestants, please deliberate, and write down your answers.
Talk amongst yourselves.
Contestants, please, lock in your answers.
Jon, who is this?
Our final answer was Chris Hemsworth.
- Mm-hmm. - But we were on the--
obviously, I didn't want to get black all over my hands...
- I understand. - But Channing Tatum was our first guess.
I'm gonna take away 11 points 'cause that thing has an eraser on it.
- Ah. - Let's go over to Moshe and Ilana.
Well, Ilana definitely got us in the right zone.
You zeroed us in on what area of person, right?
Which is white male.
- Right. - Yes.
We were just talking about how golden retrievers are the Aryan race of dogs.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
So we went with Gerard Butler/Jeremy Renner
because we don't know the difference between those two actors.
These are some pretty strong guesses here, Matt.
They're not bad, but they're also not right, Dave.
Matt, who is this?
Matthew McConaughey.
Ah.
I said Matthew McConaughey, and she told me don't do it!
- Wait! - See--
Because I don't think Matthew McConaughey's aggro.
You don't feel that Matthew McConaughey is aggro?
- No, he's like an extreme lover spirit. - I see.
He's not aggro like he wants to dominate you,
but you guys are right.
I want to apologize.
Unfortunately, on behalf of Matthew McConaughey,
we were all wrong, all wrong, all wrong.
Oh, yeah
Our straights will now conduct an archeological dig
to unearth queer artifacts buried by the sands of time,
all while dressed in Laura Dern's salmon button-down from "Jurassic Park."
They must then select the single item
they think is the most valuable for appraisal.
Now, it is time for our straights to uncover...
What Lies Beneath
- Boys? - Boys?
- Dig. - Dig.
Ooh, Avril Lavigne's tie.
I think it's from "The L Word."
- Lesbian culture. - Very valuable.
From Stonewall.
- We probably shouldn't have this. - No, it should be in a museum.
You know, she used this to vote for Trump.
- Because she sucks. - Because she sucks.
- Oh, have you read this? - No.
Get your hands out that dirt!
Bowen, what is this artifact that you've selected?
These are two pieces of beef jerky that are actually remnants
of Lady Gaga's meat dress at the 2010 VMAs.
Jon Gabrus, what is the cultural significance of Lady Gaga's meat dress?
Well, here's the thing, it's beautiful, it's stunning,
it's a statement piece, and low-carb.
- Oh! - There we go.
Low-carb, a huge thing for the gay community.
I'm gonna give you about 15 points.
- Okay. - Thank you.
Moshe and Ilana, what is the item
that you have selected as your most valuable?
So this is the world's first vodka soda.
Yeah, this was originally consumed by King Tut...
- Yeah. - Who is the world's first twink.
- First twink, yes.
This was the second drink that Jesus Christ at the Last Supper--
he not only made wine for the masses,
but he made one vodka soda for--
Mary Magdalene was not a woman,
it was Mary, you know what I mean, it was...
- Oh, yeah. - Yes!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yes.
Yes, this is Matthew.
This is one of my favorite verses.
Three thousand points.
- Wow, 3,000! - Yeah, 3,000 points.
- So many points. - Thousands of points.
Yeah, yeah
Our straights will now reenter the space with the gravitas of a queer icon
in our grande finale.
Boys, it is now time for you...
- To Make! An! Entrance! - To Make! An! Entrance!
Madame, oh!
Marilyn! Marilyn!
Opulent!
Absolutely slay, Gaga!
Ah.
An angel appears!
Oh!
Oh, my God, Elsa, eat your absolute...
- Heart out! - Heart out!
Oh, shit, drop the beat!
- Bust it open, Elsa! - Bust it open, Elsa!
In an unexpected twist,
your lifelines will now become your judges.
Jon was really combining many classic queer narratives in his presentation.
Rodeo Drive, "Pretty Woman." "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes."
I think the true grace note in that was him getting on the floor
and doing one single hump and getting right back up again.
- Yeah. - It's all I need.
- I would agree. - Agreed.
Ilana, are you glowing over Moshe's presentation?
I mean, I felt at first like I was getting, like, demure snow bunny.
- Yes, it appeared that way at first. - And then, okay, the pop of glitter--
I was like, this is, it was seasonal.
You know what I mean, it was atmospheric.
What was it that made you want to incorporate twerking
into what was sort of an Elsa homage?
Well, the... the runway, that was the forest.
Yeah.
- But over here? - Mm-hmm?
That was the streets.
- Right, ah. - Yes.
The Crowning!
And now the winner of "Gayme Show!"
named honorarily gay as fuck, the queen of the straights, is...
- Moshe Kasher! - Moshe Kasher!
- Yeah, yeah - Elsa!
Queen of the straights!
See you next time, and...
- Rita Ora! - Rita Ora!