1
00:00:01,034 --> 00:00:02,544
- ♪ Two straight men ♪

2
00:00:02,569 --> 00:00:05,409
♪ But one will win ♪

3
00:00:05,439 --> 00:00:08,779
♪ The... ♪

4
00:00:08,809 --> 00:00:12,579
♪ "Gayme Show!" ♪

5
00:00:12,613 --> 00:00:14,253
- Rita Ora, everyone.

6
00:00:14,281 --> 00:00:15,421
- Yes, Rita Ora,

7
00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:17,889
which of course is queer
for, "Okay, gorgeous."

8
00:00:17,918 --> 00:00:19,048
- Okay!

9
00:00:19,086 --> 00:00:20,316
I'm your host, Dave Mizzoni.

10
00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:22,794
- And here's the thing,
I'm also your host, Matt Rogers,

11
00:00:22,823 --> 00:00:24,123
and this is "Gayme Show!"

12
00:00:24,157 --> 00:00:26,857
where we take two straight contestants
and put them head-to-head

13
00:00:26,894 --> 00:00:29,704
to see which one of them
will be named honorarily...

14
00:00:29,730 --> 00:00:31,830
BOTH: Gay as fuck!
- Gay as fuck!

15
00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:34,735
- And will reign forevermore
as queen of the straights.

16
00:00:34,768 --> 00:00:38,938
- ♪ Oh, yeah, yeah! ♪

17
00:00:38,972 --> 00:00:41,882
- Now, before we meet our straights,
let's get to know their lifelines,

18
00:00:41,909 --> 00:00:43,979
or as we call them, life partners.

19
00:00:44,011 --> 00:00:45,951
- First up, it's our wise queer,

20
00:00:45,979 --> 00:00:47,649
please welcome Bowen Yang.

21
00:00:47,681 --> 00:00:50,781
[cheers and applause]

22
00:00:50,817 --> 00:00:53,547
- And now the woman who gets it,
it's Ilana Glazer!

23
00:00:53,587 --> 00:00:56,687
[cheers and applause]

24
00:00:56,723 --> 00:00:59,033
And with that,
we're ready to meet the straights.

25
00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,329
- Release them!
- Go.

26
00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:05,330
DAVE: Jon Gabrus appears in a mural
in his hometown pizzeria Mama Gina's.

27
00:01:05,365 --> 00:01:06,495
That's true.

28
00:01:06,533 --> 00:01:11,473
MATT: Moshe Kasher has attended
Burning Man 20 times.

29
00:01:11,505 --> 00:01:12,805
[ethereal shimmering, electronic pulsing]

30
00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:17,380
- ♪ Celebrity Essences! ♪

31
00:01:17,411 --> 00:01:19,611
- Contestants will now be given
three different clues,

32
00:01:19,646 --> 00:01:23,476
which, when combined, will form
the essence of a particular celebrity.

33
00:01:23,517 --> 00:01:25,447
Your clues are...

34
00:01:25,485 --> 00:01:27,445
a horny golden retriever.

35
00:01:27,487 --> 00:01:29,887
- Hey, let him finish.

36
00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:31,063
- Clap pushups.

37
00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:33,231
- It's like masculinity but louder.

38
00:01:33,260 --> 00:01:36,560
- And a really hard handshake
that's like, "We get it."

39
00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:38,267
- You're hurting me.

40
00:01:38,298 --> 00:01:41,168
- Contestants, please deliberate,
and write down your answers.

41
00:01:41,201 --> 00:01:42,541
[low chatter]

42
00:01:42,569 --> 00:01:45,109
MATT: Talk amongst yourselves.

43
00:01:46,273 --> 00:01:48,483
DAVE: Contestants, please,
lock in your answers.

44
00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:50,579
[bell dings]
Jon, who is this?

45
00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:52,981
- Our final answer was Chris Hemsworth.

46
00:01:53,013 --> 00:01:54,953
DAVE: Mm-hmm.
- But we were on the--

47
00:01:54,982 --> 00:01:57,482
obviously, I didn't want to get black
all over my hands...

48
00:01:57,518 --> 00:02:00,088
MATT: I understand.
- But Channing Tatum was our first guess.

49
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,720
- I'm gonna take away 11 points
'cause that thing has an eraser on it.

50
00:02:02,756 --> 00:02:05,986
- Ah.
DAVE: Let's go over to Moshe and Ilana.

51
00:02:06,026 --> 00:02:08,556
- Well, Ilana definitely got us
in the right zone.

52
00:02:08,595 --> 00:02:11,225
You zeroed us in
on what area of person, right?

53
00:02:11,265 --> 00:02:12,465
- Which is white male.

54
00:02:12,499 --> 00:02:13,769
MOSHE: Right.
- Yes.

55
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,640
- We were just talking about how golden
retrievers are the Aryan race of dogs.

56
00:02:16,670 --> 00:02:18,370
MOSHE: Yeah.
DAVE: Yeah.

57
00:02:18,405 --> 00:02:21,905
- So we went with
Gerard Butler/Jeremy Renner

58
00:02:21,942 --> 00:02:24,412
because we don't know the difference
between those two actors.

59
00:02:24,444 --> 00:02:26,184
- These are some pretty strong guesses
here, Matt.

60
00:02:26,213 --> 00:02:28,553
- They're not bad,
but they're also not right, Dave.

61
00:02:28,582 --> 00:02:29,552
- Matt, who is this?

62
00:02:29,583 --> 00:02:31,323
Matthew McConaughey.

63
00:02:31,351 --> 00:02:33,991
MATT: Ah.
- [laughs]

64
00:02:34,021 --> 00:02:36,561
- I said Matthew McConaughey,
and she told me don't do it!

65
00:02:36,590 --> 00:02:37,590
MATT: Wait!
- See--

66
00:02:37,624 --> 00:02:39,894
- Because I don't think
Matthew McConaughey's aggro.

67
00:02:39,927 --> 00:02:42,497
- You don't feel
that Matthew McConaughey is aggro?

68
00:02:42,529 --> 00:02:44,799
- No, he's like an extreme lover spirit.
MATT: I see.

69
00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:46,471
- He's not aggro like
he wants to dominate you,

70
00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:47,400
but you guys are right.

71
00:02:47,434 --> 00:02:48,474
I want to apologize.

72
00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:50,402
- Unfortunately, on behalf
of Matthew McConaughey,

73
00:02:50,437 --> 00:02:52,537
we were all wrong, all wrong, all wrong.

74
00:02:52,573 --> 00:02:53,843
[laughter]

75
00:02:53,874 --> 00:02:55,414
VONZELL: ♪ Oh, yeah ♪

76
00:02:55,442 --> 00:02:57,912
- Our straights will now conduct
an archeological dig

77
00:02:57,945 --> 00:03:01,345
to unearth queer artifacts
buried by the sands of time,

78
00:03:01,381 --> 00:03:04,381
all while dressed in Laura Dern's
salmon button-down from "Jurassic Park."

79
00:03:04,418 --> 00:03:05,918
[laughter]

80
00:03:05,953 --> 00:03:08,023
- They must then select the single item

81
00:03:08,055 --> 00:03:10,685
they think is the most valuable
for appraisal.

82
00:03:10,724 --> 00:03:13,934
- Now, it is time
for our straights to uncover...

83
00:03:13,961 --> 00:03:17,661
- ♪ What Lies Beneath ♪

84
00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,068
BOTH: Boys?

85
00:03:19,099 --> 00:03:21,269
Dig.

86
00:03:21,301 --> 00:03:23,101
MATT: Ooh, Avril Lavigne's tie.

87
00:03:23,136 --> 00:03:24,136
DAVE: I think it's from "The L Word."

88
00:03:24,171 --> 00:03:26,241
MATT: [gasps] Lesbian culture.
DAVE: Very valuable.

89
00:03:26,273 --> 00:03:27,273
MATT: From Stonewall.

90
00:03:27,307 --> 00:03:29,237
DAVE: We probably shouldn't have this.
MATT: No, it should be in a museum.

91
00:03:29,276 --> 00:03:30,676
DAVE: You know, she used this
to vote for Trump.

92
00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:32,551
MATT: Because she sucks.
DAVE: Because she sucks.

93
00:03:32,579 --> 00:03:34,749
MATT: Oh, have you read this?
DAVE: No.

94
00:03:34,781 --> 00:03:37,321
[bell dings]
- ♪ Get your hands out that dirt! ♪

95
00:03:37,351 --> 00:03:39,921
- Bowen, what is this artifact
that you've selected?

96
00:03:39,953 --> 00:03:44,693
- These are two pieces of beef jerky
that are actually remnants

97
00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:49,095
of Lady Gaga's meat dress
at the 2010 VMAs.

98
00:03:49,129 --> 00:03:52,199
- Jon Gabrus, what is the cultural
significance of Lady Gaga's meat dress?

99
00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:54,672
- Well, here's the thing,
it's beautiful, it's stunning,

100
00:03:54,701 --> 00:03:57,941
it's a statement piece, and low-carb.

101
00:03:57,971 --> 00:03:59,841
- Oh!
DAVE: There we go.

102
00:03:59,873 --> 00:04:01,983
- Low-carb, a huge thing
for the gay community.

103
00:04:02,009 --> 00:04:03,079
I'm gonna give you about 15 points.

104
00:04:03,110 --> 00:04:04,340
- Okay.
- Thank you.

105
00:04:04,378 --> 00:04:05,848
DAVE: Moshe and Ilana,
what is the item

106
00:04:05,879 --> 00:04:08,149
that you have selected
as your most valuable?

107
00:04:08,182 --> 00:04:11,252
- So this is the world's first vodka soda.

108
00:04:11,285 --> 00:04:13,245
[laughter]

109
00:04:13,287 --> 00:04:15,857
- Yeah, this was originally consumed
by King Tut...

110
00:04:15,889 --> 00:04:18,059
- Yeah.
- Who is the world's first twink.

111
00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:19,091
MATT: First twink, yes.

112
00:04:19,126 --> 00:04:23,056
- This was the second drink
that Jesus Christ at the Last Supper--

113
00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:25,696
he not only made wine for the masses,

114
00:04:25,732 --> 00:04:28,142
but he made one vodka soda for--

115
00:04:28,168 --> 00:04:29,938
Mary Magdalene was not a woman,

116
00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:30,970
it was Mary,
you know what I mean, it was...

117
00:04:31,004 --> 00:04:32,214
- Oh, yeah.
- Yes!

118
00:04:32,239 --> 00:04:33,639
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yes.

119
00:04:33,674 --> 00:04:34,714
Yes, this is Matthew.

120
00:04:34,741 --> 00:04:36,211
This is one of my favorite verses.

121
00:04:36,243 --> 00:04:37,383
[bell dings]
Three thousand points.

122
00:04:37,411 --> 00:04:40,051
- Wow, 3,000!
- Yeah, 3,000 points.

123
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:41,580
- So many points.
MATT: Thousands of points.

124
00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:42,645
VONZELL: ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

125
00:04:42,683 --> 00:04:46,653
- Our straights will now reenter the space
with the gravitas of a queer icon

126
00:04:46,687 --> 00:04:48,887
in our grande finale.

127
00:04:48,922 --> 00:04:51,462
Boys, it is now time for you...

128
00:04:51,491 --> 00:04:54,931
BOTH: To Make! An! Entrance!

129
00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:57,932
[upbeat jazzy music]

130
00:04:57,965 --> 00:05:00,465
- Madame, oh!

131
00:05:01,735 --> 00:05:03,935
DAVE: Marilyn! Marilyn!

132
00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:06,541
MATT: Opulent!

133
00:05:06,573 --> 00:05:08,913
[cheers and applause]

134
00:05:11,445 --> 00:05:14,275
Absolutely slay, Gaga!

135
00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:16,054
MATT: Ah.

136
00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:21,290
MATT: An angel appears!

137
00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:23,891
DAVE: Oh!

138
00:05:23,924 --> 00:05:26,764
MATT: Oh, my God,
Elsa, eat your absolute...

139
00:05:26,793 --> 00:05:27,963
BOTH: Heart out!

140
00:05:27,995 --> 00:05:32,125
[record scratches]
DAVE: Oh, shit, drop the beat!

141
00:05:34,168 --> 00:05:36,738
BOTH: Bust it open, Elsa!

142
00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:40,170
[cheers and applause]

143
00:05:40,207 --> 00:05:41,807
- In an unexpected twist,

144
00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:45,052
your lifelines will now become
your judges.

145
00:05:45,078 --> 00:05:49,848
- Jon was really combining many classic
queer narratives in his presentation.

146
00:05:49,883 --> 00:05:54,053
Rodeo Drive, "Pretty Woman."
"Gentlemen Prefer Blondes."

147
00:05:54,087 --> 00:05:57,287
I think the true grace note in that
was him getting on the floor

148
00:05:57,324 --> 00:06:00,594
and doing one single hump
and getting right back up again.

149
00:06:00,627 --> 00:06:02,757
MATT: Yeah.
- It's all I need.

150
00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:04,256
- I would agree.
- Agreed.

151
00:06:05,933 --> 00:06:08,743
Ilana, are you glowing
over Moshe's presentation?

152
00:06:08,769 --> 00:06:12,209
- I mean, I felt at first like
I was getting, like, demure snow bunny.

153
00:06:12,239 --> 00:06:15,239
DAVE: Yes, it appeared that way at first.
- And then, okay, the pop of glitter--

154
00:06:15,275 --> 00:06:17,105
I was like, this is, it was seasonal.

155
00:06:17,144 --> 00:06:19,014
You know what I mean, it was atmospheric.

156
00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:22,416
- What was it that made you
want to incorporate twerking

157
00:06:22,449 --> 00:06:24,749
into what was sort of an Elsa homage?

158
00:06:24,785 --> 00:06:29,485
- Well, the...
the runway, that was the forest.

159
00:06:29,523 --> 00:06:30,523
MATT: Yeah.

160
00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:32,187
- But over here?
MATT: Mm-hmm?

161
00:06:32,226 --> 00:06:33,426
- That was the streets.

162
00:06:33,460 --> 00:06:35,430
MATT: Right, ah.
DAVE: Yes.

163
00:06:35,462 --> 00:06:40,372
- ♪ The Crowning! ♪

164
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:43,440
- And now the winner of "Gayme Show!"

165
00:06:43,470 --> 00:06:50,140
named honorarily gay as fuck,
the queen of the straights, is...

166
00:06:50,177 --> 00:06:54,277
BOTH: Moshe Kasher!

167
00:06:54,314 --> 00:06:57,054
VONZELL: ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
- Elsa!

168
00:06:57,084 --> 00:07:01,394
- ♪ Queen of the straights! ♪

169
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:05,761
- See you next time, and...
BOTH: Rita Ora!