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- ♪ Two straight men ♪

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♪ But only one will win ♪

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♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

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♪ "Gayme Show!" ♪

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- Bebe Rexha!

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Which in the gay community
means "salutations."

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I'm your host, Matt Rogers.

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- And I'm another host, Dave Mizzoni,

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and this is "Gayme Show!"

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where we take two straight contestants

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and put them head-to-head

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to see which will be named honorarily...

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all: Gay as fuck!

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- And will reign forevermore
as queen of the straights.

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- ♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪

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- Before we meet our straights,
let's get to know their lifelines,

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or as we call them, life partners.

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- First up, it's our wise queen.

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Please welcome Trixie Mattel.
- Yes!

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[cheers and applause]

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And now, please welcome
the woman who gets it.

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It's Liza Treyger.

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[cheers and applause]

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And with that,
we're ready to meet the straights.

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- Release them!

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Whitmer Thomas recently hosted
a "Joker"-themed stand-up comedy show.

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Tim Baltz owns a Tom Petty and
the Heartbreakers novelty prayer candle.

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[cheers and applause]

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- ♪ Celebrity essences ♪

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- Contestants will now
be given three different clues,

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which when combined will form
the essence of a particular celebrity.

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Your clues are...

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a tailored pantsuit from Zara.

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- Like some gays, they're versatile.

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- [laughs]

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- The tale of David and Goliath.

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- You know, from the Bible.

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- And your final clue, the girl at Rutgers

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who gives the tours
and is, like, so good at it.

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- Rutgers University has
over 9,000 international students

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from over 125 countries.

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- Deliberate and write down your answers.

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[percussive music]

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♪ ♪

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A Zara pantsuit,

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David and Goliath,

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and a Rutgers tour guide.

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[bell rings]
Who is this?

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Whitmer and Trixie, talk to me.

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- Well, we said Emma Watson.

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- And--and why?

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- I think I've seen her wear a suit
like that before.

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- Yeah, and she, like--
in one of her Lancôme ads,

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she'd wear one of those suits
and just be like...

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- Yeah.
DAVE: Wow.

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- Can I just ask about the relevance
to David and Goliath

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when it comes to Emma Watson?

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- Because she's small
and has tall friends.

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- Oh!
[laughter]

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- Daniel Radcliffe, famously huge.

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- Liza, Tim, what are you guys thinking?
- I think we did it.

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- We're thinking Kate Moss.

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DAVE: Okay, and why?

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- I think he wants to have sex with her.

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Yeah, there was really no rhyme
and reason,

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but he was so deliberate
about it being Kate Moss.

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- This was just put down.
- But maybe there's more.

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- No, at one point I just said,
"I think we're going with Kate Moss."

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- Yeah.
[laughter]

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- All right, making an executive decision
to go with Kate Moss.

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That's an extra 50 points.
That's a very gay thing to do.

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It's now time to reveal the answer.

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Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

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- AOC.

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- So obvious now!
- AOC, baby.

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VONZELL: ♪ Yeah-ah ♪

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- Kirsten Dunst has always been here.

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She has stood the test of time
and reinvented herself,

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always doing what she needed to do.

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"Jumanji," "Interview with the Vampire,"

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"Bring It On," "Drop Dead Gorgeous,"

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"Spider-Man," "Melancholia,"

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"Fargo," "On Becoming a God."

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- Bitch, we get it.
MATT: Okay, I'll stop.

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Our straights must now name as many things
as they can that are to be respected

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about criminally underappreciated actress
Kirsten Dunst in...

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- ♪ Re-re-re-re-re ♪

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♪ Respect Kirsten ♪

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- But just how do we ensure the straights
won't cheat off each other?

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- Matt, I'm over here stage left,

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where we've placed Whitmer and Tim

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in the soundproof Heterozone.

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Yes, inside,
they're watching a compilation video

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of the top 100 field goals in NFL history.

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Whitmer, you're up.

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[cheers and applause]

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- On your mark. Get set.

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Dunst!

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- She's got a fucked-up tooth.

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[buzzer blares]

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Uh, her first kiss was with Brad Pitt.
[buzzer blares]

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She embodied depression perfectly
in "Melancholia."

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[bell dings]
- There's one.

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- My first kiss was during "Bring It On."

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Um...

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- Okay.
[bell dings]

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- She's the only Mary Jane. Um...

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- ♪ Time's up ♪

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MATT: Wow, okay.

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Trixie, what were some things that
Whitmer missed there about Kirsten Dunst?

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- When you don't say "Drop Dead Gorgeous,"
you hurt me.

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- Yeah, yeah.
- Can you talk about her tooth?

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- She has that really fucked-up tooth,
and it's cool that she's still got it.

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It's pretty.

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- [laughs]
WHITMER: Yeah.

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- All right, Whitmer,
back to the Heterozone,

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where you'll watch a Mark Wahlberg movie.

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You'll love it.

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Tim.
- Tim? You're up.

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MATT: Tim, you're up.
- Oh. Oh, great.

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- On your mark. Get set. Dunst!

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- She won an MTV Movie Award
for best kiss.

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Respect.
[bell dings]

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Her name has 12 letters.
9 of them are consonants.

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Respect.
[bell dings]

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Uh, "Drop Dead Gorgeous" is amazing.
[bell dings]

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"The Virgin Suicides" is amazing.
[bell dings]

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She scandalized us
in "Interview with the Vampire."

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[bell dings]
She was Mary Jane in "Spider-Man."

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- ♪ Time's up ♪
- Whoa!

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[cheers and applause]

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Liza, I mean, what did he possibly miss?
That was a lot.

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- It was amazing.

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I feel like Mona Lisa
is definitely smiling today.

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- Oh, that was huge.

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- Yeah, fists in the air.
I'm, like, proud of my straight for sure.

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[cheers and applause]

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VONZELL: ♪ Yeah-ah ♪

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- Our straights will now reenter the space
with the gravitas of a queer icon

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in our grande finale.

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Boys, it is now time for you...

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all: To make an entrance!

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[upbeat music]

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MATT: Oh, here we go.
DAVE: Oh!

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MATT: An origin story?

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Don't--no!

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Oh, he's becoming something different.

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DAVE: Oh, no!
MATT: He's becoming evil.

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[cheers and applause]

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Oh, my God.

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Joaquin, your wig is snatched.

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♪ ♪

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[cheers and applause]

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DAVE: Shoot the basket!
Get the goal!

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- Yes!

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Touchdown!

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Yes!

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[cheers and applause]

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Oh, my gosh.

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- Killed it.

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- Your life partners have now become
your judges.

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Trixie, what say you about this affair?

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- It's not just 'cause you're dressed
like this,

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but I think we really have chemistry.

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MATT: Oh!

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- I'm seeing something happening
on the chaise.

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- When he walked out here, I was like,
"Let's experiment."

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- Oh!

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Liza Treyger, I mean...
- I loved it.

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MATT: This is a sports athlete
you're sitting next to.

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- Yeah, but it was also a little
"Toddler & Tiara" too, which I liked.

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With the pose?
- Yes.

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- Is that what you were going for?
And, like, the booty shakes.

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I thought those were cute.

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- ♪ The crowning ♪

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- Boys, tonight,

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you have both broken through the
suffocating cocoon of your own masculinity

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and emerged as a beautiful,
liberated butterfly.

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That is a Mariah reference.

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- And now, the winner of "Gayme Show!"

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named honorarily Gay as Fuck
and Queen of the Straights is...

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both: Tim Baltz!

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♪ ♪

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VONZELL: ♪ Yeah-ah ♪

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- Tim Baltz, have your moment.

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- ♪ The "Gayme Show!" ♪

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♪ Honorary gay ♪

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- See you next time, and...

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both: Bebe Rexha!

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- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪