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Two straight men

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But only one will win

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Oh, oh, oh, oh

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"Gayme Show!"

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Camila Cabello, everyone.

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Yes, Camila Cabello, which in the gay
community means it's our turn.

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I'm your host Dave Mizzoni.

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And I'm the host that isn't Dave,
Matt Rogers.

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This is "Gayme Show!,"

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where we take two straight contestants
and put them head-to-head

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to see which one of them
will be named honorarily...

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Gay as fuck!

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And will reign forevermore
as queen of the straights.

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Oh, yeah, yeah!

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Before we meet our straights,
let's get to know their lifelines,

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or as we call them, life partners.

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First up, it's our wise queer.

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Please welcome Bob the Drag Queen.

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Bob!

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And now the woman who gets it.

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It's D'Arcy Carden.

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And with that,
we're ready to meet the straights.

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- Release them!
- Go.

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Rhys Mitchell takes
kickboxing classes

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and recently started dating a girl.

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David Gborie once wore shorts to court.

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Celebrity Essences!

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Contestants will now be given
three different clues,

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which, when combined, will form
the essence of a particular celebrity.

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Your clues are...

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an eye patch.

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- For your eye.
- Mm.

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Grills.

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- For your teeth.
- Mm.

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And the Vatican.

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- The body of Christ.
- Mm-hmm.

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Contestants, please deliberate
and write down your answers right now.

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Looks like we got an eye patch there,
grills, and the Vatican.

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Okay.

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I'm gonna go to Rhys
and Bob the Drag Queen.

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All right, so we have
a bit of a Franken-diva.

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- I see.
- So...

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Because we've got gay math happening
here, I have to ask you to show your work.

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Now, Lady Gaga
is a young woman who came up

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and inspired
an entire generation of queers.

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Taylor Swift can't sing.

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Right.

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Bruce Springsteen
is the great songwriter.

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Therefore, you have Madonna.

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So I'm gonna turn to David
and D'Arcy Carden.

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- Okay.
- What do we got?

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Oh, it sounds like we're, like, married?

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You took her name: 60 points.

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Thank you.

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We're also pretty much married, so--

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Okay, I'm sorry.

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Competitive weddings?

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This is very straight.
Minus ten points each.

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Yes.

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Okay, let's see what you got, guys.

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We also picked Madonna.

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And I love the font!

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Thank you.

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- Great font.
- We didn't, uh...

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We didn't have any math on there, because
we just felt it organically.

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I'm sorry.
That was a little bit bitchy.

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Ten points.

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Yes!

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And so Madonna and Madonna.

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Dave, can you reveal?

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It would be my pleasure.

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Ms. Madonna!

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Yeah, yeah

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Navigating pride is harder than
crossing 18th-century America by foot.

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Our straights
will now attempt to survive

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a major American city's
pride festival in a game we call...

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Gay Oregon Trail

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Matt and I will now each present
a different pride activity

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that we think
would literally be so fun.

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And you can choose to go with me, Dave.

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Or me, Matt.

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Each choice has a different consequence.

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Your objective?

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Stay alive.

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Happy pride!

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Last night was a lot.

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I'm thinking about hitting up
the Wells Fargo

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hydration station to buy some water.

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Come with?

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There is no time for water.

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Me, Tyler, Taylor, Chris, and Chris want
to take this molly before 9:00 a.m.

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Come with?

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Choose!

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Tell us what you have chosen.

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First let's go to Rhys
and Bob the Drag Queen.

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Ah, they've chosen to go with me.

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Last night was a lot.
We need hydration.

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Hydration is paramount, yes.

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We don't want to take molly
in the morning.

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Mm-hmm.

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Not in the a.m.

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The rest of your day is gonna be a wreck.

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Absolutely.

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Let's go over now to David and D'Arcy.

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We chose Matt.

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Okay, why you coming with me, baby?

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We want to live in the moment.

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We hydrated last night.

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We're here to party.

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The correct answer was

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to come with me, Dave.

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You should always drink water,
even when it's $25 a bottle.

113
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All right, moving on.

114
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I'm heading to the Listerine tent
at the Under Armour town square

115
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where Chasten Buttigieg is speaking
about intersectionality.

116
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Fun!

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No.
I'm so horny.

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Let's go have sexual intercourse.

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Choose!

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Let's go to David and D'Arcy first.

121
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Once again, we're going with Matt.

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- We're gonna go fuck.
- You want to fuck me, David?

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- We want to fuck.
- I want to--

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I'm high on molly.

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I don't want to listen to someone talk.

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I want to fuck.

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D'Arcy, do you want to fuck as well?

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Yeah, I really--I want to fuck.

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- Okay, cool.
- We want to fuck.

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Let's go over now to Rhys and Bob.

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Guys, what are we gonna do?

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We're gonna fuck as well.

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- Oh, my god.
- Yes.

134
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See, we thought to ourselves,
a midday fucking

135
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will give you the energy you need
to make it through the day.

136
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You're still partied out from last night,
so you'll fall asleep.

137
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You won't be clingy.

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We can leave you.

139
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I'll tell you something.

140
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I'm a sure thing, and it's real easy.

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Yeah.

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Unfortunately, the correct answer

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was to come with me.

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Dave.

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Take it from someone who's hooked up
with Matt.

146
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It's, like, a whole thing.

147
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No way.

148
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Well, none of that matters,

149
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because you were both crushed
by Lisa Vanderpump's float.

150
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Bummer.

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Yeah, yeah

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Boys, it is now time for you...

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To make an entrance!

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Oh?

155
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Oh, it's some little--

156
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He's a nerd.

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Oh!

158
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Tell me more, tell me more!

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- Oh!
- So limber.

160
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Wow, and he dabs!

161
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Wow, Olivia Newton-John is proud.

162
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Thank you, Rhys!

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Oh.

164
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License to kill, indeed!

165
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- Oh!
- Shaken, not stirred!

166
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Double ho seven is more like.

167
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Can we get a mop to aisle three?

168
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We need a Swiffer on the main stage.

169
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Oh!

170
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Was that a grenade?

171
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I hope that wasn't a grenade.

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Your life partners have now become
your judges.

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Bob, how are you feeling
about Rhys' entrance?

174
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You came out here with the gravitas
of 1,000 twinks on ecstasy.

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You did a car--an ill-advised cartwheel.

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We do not have the insurance policy
for this.

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I am so--

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I'm so proud.

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Oh, Bob.

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So, D'Arcy Carden,
the woman who gets it,

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here's David Gborie.

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He brought fucking confidence,
nothing but confidence.

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- Drink, not a drop.
- No.

184
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It all went down his chest.

185
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The crowning!

186
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And now the winner of "Gayme Show!,"

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named honorarily gay as fuck,

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the queen of the straights is...

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Rhys Mitchell!

190
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Yeah, yeah, yeah

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Rhys Mitchell...

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Have your moment!

193
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The "Gayme Show!"

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See you next time, and...

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Camila Cabello!

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Yeah, yeah, yeah