- ♪ Two straight men ♪
♪ But only one will win ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ "Gayme Show!" ♪
- Camila Cabello, everyone.
- Yes, Camila Cabello, which in the gay community means it's our turn.
I'm your host Dave Mizzoni.
- And I'm the host that isn't Dave, Matt Rogers.
This is "Gayme Show!,"
where we take two straight contestants and put them head-to-head
to see which one of them will be named honorarily...
ALL: Gay as fuck!
- And will reign forevermore as queen of the straights.
- ♪ Oh, yeah, yeah! ♪
- Before we meet our straights, let's get to know their lifelines,
or as we call them, life partners.
- First up, it's our wise queer.
Please welcome Bob the Drag Queen.
MATT: Bob!
[cheers and applause]
- And now the woman who gets it.
It's D'Arcy Carden.
[cheers and applause]
- And with that, we're ready to meet the straights.
- Release them! - Go.
DAVE: Rhys Mitchell takes kickboxing classes
and recently started dating a girl.
[cheers and applause]
David Gborie once wore shorts to court.
[cheers and applause]
- ♪ Celebrity Essences! ♪
- Contestants will now be given three different clues,
which, when combined, will form the essence of a particular celebrity.
Your clues are...
an eye patch.
- For your eye. MATT: Mm.
Grills.
- For your teeth. MATT: Mm.
And the Vatican.
- The body of Christ. MATT: Mm-hmm.
Contestants, please deliberate and write down your answers right now.
[contestants whispering]
Looks like we got an eye patch there, grills, and the Vatican.
[bell dings] Okay.
I'm gonna go to Rhys and Bob the Drag Queen.
- All right, so we have a bit of a Franken-diva.
DAVE: I see. - So...
- Because we've got gay math happening here, I have to ask you to show your work.
- Now, Lady Gaga is a young woman who came up
and inspired an entire generation of queers.
Taylor Swift can't sing.
- Right.
- Bruce Springsteen is the great songwriter.
Therefore, you have Madonna.
- So I'm gonna turn to David and D'Arcy Carden.
- Okay. - What do we got?
- Oh, it sounds like we're, like, married?
- You took her name: 60 points.
- Thank you.
- We're also pretty much married, so--
- Okay, I'm sorry.
Competitive weddings?
This is very straight. Minus ten points each.
- Yes. [laughter]
Okay, let's see what you got, guys.
- We also picked Madonna.
- And I love the font!
- Thank you.
DAVE: Great font. - We didn't, uh...
We didn't have any math on there, because we just felt it organically.
- I'm sorry. That was a little bit bitchy.
Ten points.
- Yes! [laughter]
And so Madonna and Madonna.
Dave, can you reveal?
- It would be my pleasure.
MATT: Ms. Madonna!
[cheers and applause]
VONZELL: ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
- Navigating pride is harder than crossing 18th-century America by foot.
- Our straights will now attempt to survive
a major American city's pride festival in a game we call...
- ♪ Gay Oregon Trail ♪
- Matt and I will now each present a different pride activity
that we think would literally be so fun.
And you can choose to go with me, Dave.
- Or me, Matt.
- [gasps] - Each choice has a different consequence.
Your objective?
BOTH: Stay alive.
- Happy pride!
Last night was a lot.
I'm thinking about hitting up the Wells Fargo
hydration station to buy some water.
Come with?
MATT: There is no time for water.
Me, Tyler, Taylor, Chris, and Chris want to take this molly before 9:00 a.m.
Come with?
BOTH: Choose!
[indistinct chatter, horse neighs]
- Tell us what you have chosen.
First let's go to Rhys and Bob the Drag Queen.
DAVE: Ah, they've chosen to go with me.
- Last night was a lot. We need hydration.
- Hydration is paramount, yes.
- We don't want to take molly in the morning.
DAVE: Mm-hmm.
- Not in the a.m.
The rest of your day is gonna be a wreck.
- Absolutely.
- Let's go over now to David and D'Arcy.
- We chose Matt.
- Okay, why you coming with me, baby?
- We want to live in the moment.
We hydrated last night.
We're here to party.
- The correct answer was
to come with me, Dave.
You should always drink water, even when it's $25 a bottle.
- All right, moving on.
- I'm heading to the Listerine tent at the Under Armour town square
where Chasten Buttigieg is speaking about intersectionality.
Fun!
- No. I'm so horny.
Let's go have sexual intercourse.
BOTH: Choose!
♪ ♪
[indistinct chatter, whip cracks]
- Let's go to David and D'Arcy first.
- Once again, we're going with Matt.
We're gonna go fuck. MATT: You want to fuck me, David?
- We want to fuck. - I want to--
I'm high on molly.
I don't want to listen to someone talk.
I want to fuck.
- D'Arcy, do you want to fuck as well?
- Yeah, I really--I want to fuck.
DAVE: Okay, cool. - We want to fuck.
- Let's go over now to Rhys and Bob.
Guys, what are we gonna do?
- We're gonna fuck as well.
DAVE: Oh, my god. - Yes.
See, we thought to ourselves, a midday fucking
will give you the energy you need to make it through the day.
You're still partied out from last night, so you'll fall asleep.
You won't be clingy.
We can leave you.
- I'll tell you something.
I'm a sure thing, and it's real easy.
[laughter] - Yeah.
- Unfortunately, the correct answer
was to come with me.
[all groan] Dave.
Take it from someone who's hooked up with Matt.
It's, like, a whole thing.
- No way. [laughter]
- Well, none of that matters,
because you were both crushed by Lisa Vanderpump's float.
DAVE: Bummer. [laughter]
VONZELL: ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
- Boys, it is now time for you...
ALL: To make an entrance!
DAVE: Oh?
Oh, it's some little--
He's a nerd.
Oh!
BOTH: Tell me more, tell me more!
[all scream]
[cheers and applause]
MATT: Oh! DAVE: So limber.
MATT: Wow, and he dabs!
DAVE: Wow, Olivia Newton-John is proud.
- Thank you, Rhys!
[cheers and applause]
DAVE: Oh.
MATT: License to kill, indeed!
D'ARCY: Oh! DAVE: Shaken, not stirred!
- Double ho seven is more like.
DAVE: Can we get a mop to aisle three?
MATT: We need a Swiffer on the main stage.
[bomb whistles]
BOTH: Oh!
[cheers and applause]
MATT: Was that a grenade?
I hope that wasn't a grenade.
DAVE: Your life partners have now become your judges.
- [gasps]
- Bob, how are you feeling about Rhys' entrance?
- You came out here with the gravitas of 1,000 twinks on ecstasy.
[laughter]
You did a car--an ill-advised cartwheel.
- We do not have the insurance policy for this.
- I am so--
I'm so proud.
- Oh, Bob.
- So, D'Arcy Carden, the woman who gets it,
here's David Gborie.
- He brought fucking confidence, nothing but confidence.
Drink, not a drop. MATT: No.
- It all went down his chest.
[laughter]
- ♪ The crowning! ♪
- And now the winner of "Gayme Show!,"
named honorarily gay as fuck,
the queen of the straights is...
BOTH: Rhys Mitchell!
[cheers and applause]
- ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
- Rhys Mitchell...
BOTH: Have your moment!
- ♪ The "Gayme Show!" ♪
- See you next time, and...
BOTH: Camila Cabello!
- ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪