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- ♪ Two straight men ♪

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♪ But only one will win ♪

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♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

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♪ "Gayme Show!" ♪

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- Camila Cabello, everyone.

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- Yes, Camila Cabello, which in the gay
community means it's our turn.

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I'm your host Dave Mizzoni.

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- And I'm the host that isn't Dave,
Matt Rogers.

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This is "Gayme Show!,"

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where we take two straight contestants
and put them head-to-head

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to see which one of them
will be named honorarily...

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ALL: Gay as fuck!

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- And will reign forevermore
as queen of the straights.

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- ♪ Oh, yeah, yeah! ♪

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- Before we meet our straights,
let's get to know their lifelines,

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or as we call them, life partners.

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- First up, it's our wise queer.

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Please welcome Bob the Drag Queen.

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MATT: Bob!

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[cheers and applause]

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- And now the woman who gets it.

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It's D'Arcy Carden.

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[cheers and applause]

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- And with that,
we're ready to meet the straights.

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- Release them!
- Go.

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DAVE: Rhys Mitchell takes
kickboxing classes

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and recently started dating a girl.

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[cheers and applause]

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David Gborie once wore shorts to court.

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[cheers and applause]

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- ♪ Celebrity Essences! ♪

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- Contestants will now be given
three different clues,

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which, when combined, will form
the essence of a particular celebrity.

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Your clues are...

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an eye patch.

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- For your eye.
MATT: Mm.

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Grills.

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- For your teeth.
MATT: Mm.

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And the Vatican.

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- The body of Christ.
MATT: Mm-hmm.

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Contestants, please deliberate
and write down your answers right now.

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[contestants whispering]

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Looks like we got an eye patch there,
grills, and the Vatican.

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[bell dings]
Okay.

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I'm gonna go to Rhys
and Bob the Drag Queen.

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- All right, so we have
a bit of a Franken-diva.

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DAVE: I see.
- So...

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- Because we've got gay math happening
here, I have to ask you to show your work.

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- Now, Lady Gaga
is a young woman who came up

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and inspired
an entire generation of queers.

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Taylor Swift can't sing.

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- Right.

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- Bruce Springsteen
is the great songwriter.

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Therefore, you have Madonna.

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- So I'm gonna turn to David
and D'Arcy Carden.

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- Okay.
- What do we got?

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- Oh, it sounds like we're, like, married?

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- You took her name: 60 points.

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- Thank you.

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- We're also pretty much married, so--

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- Okay, I'm sorry.

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Competitive weddings?

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This is very straight.
Minus ten points each.

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- Yes.
[laughter]

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Okay, let's see what you got, guys.

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- We also picked Madonna.

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- And I love the font!

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- Thank you.

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DAVE: Great font.
- We didn't, uh...

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We didn't have any math on there, because
we just felt it organically.

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- I'm sorry.
That was a little bit bitchy.

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Ten points.

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- Yes!
[laughter]

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And so Madonna and Madonna.

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Dave, can you reveal?

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- It would be my pleasure.

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MATT: Ms. Madonna!

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[cheers and applause]

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VONZELL: ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

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- Navigating pride is harder than
crossing 18th-century America by foot.

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- Our straights
will now attempt to survive

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a major American city's
pride festival in a game we call...

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- ♪ Gay Oregon Trail ♪

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- Matt and I will now each present
a different pride activity

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that we think
would literally be so fun.

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And you can choose to go with me, Dave.

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- Or me, Matt.

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- [gasps]
- Each choice has a different consequence.

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Your objective?

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BOTH: Stay alive.

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- Happy pride!

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Last night was a lot.

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I'm thinking about hitting up
the Wells Fargo

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hydration station to buy some water.

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Come with?

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MATT: There is no time for water.

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Me, Tyler, Taylor, Chris, and Chris want
to take this molly before 9:00 a.m.

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Come with?

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BOTH: Choose!

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[indistinct chatter, horse neighs]

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- Tell us what you have chosen.

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First let's go to Rhys
and Bob the Drag Queen.

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DAVE: Ah, they've chosen to go with me.

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- Last night was a lot.
We need hydration.

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- Hydration is paramount, yes.

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- We don't want to take molly
in the morning.

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DAVE: Mm-hmm.

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- Not in the a.m.

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The rest of your day is gonna be a wreck.

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- Absolutely.

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- Let's go over now to David and D'Arcy.

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- We chose Matt.

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- Okay, why you coming with me, baby?

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- We want to live in the moment.

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We hydrated last night.

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We're here to party.

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- The correct answer was

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to come with me, Dave.

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You should always drink water,
even when it's $25 a bottle.

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- All right, moving on.

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- I'm heading to the Listerine tent
at the Under Armour town square

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where Chasten Buttigieg is speaking
about intersectionality.

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Fun!

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- No.
I'm so horny.

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Let's go have sexual intercourse.

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BOTH: Choose!

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♪ ♪

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[indistinct chatter, whip cracks]

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- Let's go to David and D'Arcy first.

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- Once again, we're going with Matt.

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We're gonna go fuck.
MATT: You want to fuck me, David?

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- We want to fuck.
- I want to--

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I'm high on molly.

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I don't want to listen to someone talk.

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I want to fuck.

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- D'Arcy, do you want to fuck as well?

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- Yeah, I really--I want to fuck.

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DAVE: Okay, cool.
- We want to fuck.

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- Let's go over now to Rhys and Bob.

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Guys, what are we gonna do?

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- We're gonna fuck as well.

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DAVE: Oh, my god.
- Yes.

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See, we thought to ourselves,
a midday fucking

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will give you the energy you need
to make it through the day.

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You're still partied out from last night,
so you'll fall asleep.

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You won't be clingy.

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We can leave you.

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- I'll tell you something.

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I'm a sure thing, and it's real easy.

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[laughter]
- Yeah.

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- Unfortunately, the correct answer

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was to come with me.

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[all groan]
Dave.

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Take it from someone who's hooked up
with Matt.

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It's, like, a whole thing.

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- No way.
[laughter]

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- Well, none of that matters,

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because you were both crushed
by Lisa Vanderpump's float.

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DAVE: Bummer.
[laughter]

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VONZELL: ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

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- Boys, it is now time for you...

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ALL: To make an entrance!

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DAVE: Oh?

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Oh, it's some little--

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He's a nerd.

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Oh!

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BOTH: Tell me more, tell me more!

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[all scream]

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[cheers and applause]

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MATT: Oh!
DAVE: So limber.

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MATT: Wow, and he dabs!

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DAVE: Wow, Olivia Newton-John is proud.

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- Thank you, Rhys!

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[cheers and applause]

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DAVE: Oh.

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MATT: License to kill, indeed!

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D'ARCY: Oh!
DAVE: Shaken, not stirred!

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- Double ho seven is more like.

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DAVE: Can we get a mop to aisle three?

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MATT: We need a Swiffer on the main stage.

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[bomb whistles]

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BOTH: Oh!

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[cheers and applause]

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MATT: Was that a grenade?

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I hope that wasn't a grenade.

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DAVE: Your life partners have now become
your judges.

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- [gasps]

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- Bob, how are you feeling
about Rhys' entrance?

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- You came out here with the gravitas
of 1,000 twinks on ecstasy.

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[laughter]

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You did a car--an ill-advised cartwheel.

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- We do not have the insurance policy
for this.

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- I am so--

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I'm so proud.

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- Oh, Bob.

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- So, D'Arcy Carden,
the woman who gets it,

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here's David Gborie.

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- He brought fucking confidence,
nothing but confidence.

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Drink, not a drop.
MATT: No.

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- It all went down his chest.

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[laughter]

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- ♪ The crowning! ♪

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- And now the winner of "Gayme Show!,"

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named honorarily gay as fuck,

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the queen of the straights is...

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BOTH: Rhys Mitchell!

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[cheers and applause]

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- ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

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- Rhys Mitchell...

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BOTH: Have your moment!

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- ♪ The "Gayme Show!" ♪

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- See you next time, and...

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BOTH: Camila Cabello!

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- ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪