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Two straight men

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But only one will win

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The...

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"Gayme Show!"

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Shania Twain, everyone.

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Yes, Shania Twain,
which in the gay community means

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it's fucking showtime, baby.

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I'm your host Dave Mizzoni.

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And I'm your host Matt Rogers.

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I think we messed that up.

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- Yeah, we did.
- Okay.

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Well, anyway, this is "Gayme Show,"

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where we take two straight contestants
and put them head-to-head

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to see which one of them
will be named honorarily...

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Gay as fuck!

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And will reign forevermore
as queen of the straights.

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Yeah, yeah!

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Before we meet our straights,
let's get to know their lifelines,

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or as we call them, life partners.

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First up, it's our wise queer.

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Please welcome Sydnee Washington.

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Sydnee!

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And now the woman who gets it.

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It's Rachel Bloom!

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And with that,
we're ready to meet the straights.

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- Release them!
- Go.

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George Basil recently said,
"That's so badass"

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on a call with our producers.

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Yoni Lotan made chili on Monday.

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Celebrity Essences!

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Contestants will now be given
three different clues,

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which, when combined, will form
the essence of a particular celebrity.

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Your clues are...

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reclaimed oak.

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Chopped it myself.

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The ability to whistle
with two fingers like this.

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And a marine mammal trainer named Susan
with a deep connection to the animals.

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Contestants,

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deliberate and write down
your answers.

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Contestants, please lock in your answers.

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Who is this?

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Okay, we're ready.

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Jodie-ay Fost-ay.

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Oh, Jodie-ay Fost-ay.

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Someone's been to France.

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This is a great guess.
How did you arrive here?

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We kind of feel like she has the class
of reclaimed oak.

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Absolutely.

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The whistling is because
she also reminds you of an uncle.

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You guys know you can say "lesbian,"
right?

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All right, let's head over here
to Yoni and Rachel.

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We were actually pretty unanimous
about this one.

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Yeah, for sure.

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We think this person
has Sea World vibes for sure.

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Absolute Sea World vibes.

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A huge compliment.

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So we said Jane Lynch.

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- Oh!
- Oh!

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Go ahead, elaborate.

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- Well...
- She's a lesbian.

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Thank you for saying it.

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Yeah, I mean, that--
she's definitely someone

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who knows how to whistle
between her teeth.

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The reclaimed wood, that's
her whole house, I'm willing to bet.

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And she was an animal trainer
in "Best in Show."

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Matt, I think it's now time for you to
reveal the answer.

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Oh, my god.

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It's Frances McDormand.

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We were close.

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Guys, this answer's in books.

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I encourage you to read.

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But Dave, I think we have a little bit
of a caveat here.

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We also would have accepted Holly Hunter
or Jodi Foster!

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Because come on.

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It's time.
I mean, come on.

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Oh, yeah

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Our straights will now perform an iconic
scene from the film "Notes on a Scandal,"

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starring Cate Blanchett
and Dame Judy Dench

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in a game called...

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Acting Battle

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Yeah-yeah-yeah!

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The following scene was selected
because it contains

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two Academy-award winning actresses

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displaying bloodthirsty thespianism.

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It also illustrates
the fundamentally queer experience

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of wanting to be topped
by Cate Blanchett.

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Ready. Set. Act!

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What you say about me...

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About my husband?

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You're no fit to shine his shoes.

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You want to
roll around the floor like lovers?

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You want to fuck me, Barbara?

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You don't belong in the world.

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You don't belong here!

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You big baby!

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And literally scene.

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And now Golden-Globe winner Rachel Bloom
will be critiquing the acting of the scene

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and lesbian Sydnee Washington
will critique the lesbianism.

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Yoni, you sounded like Roger Rabbit.

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George, I just wrote down--
I wrote down Merida from "Brave."

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I have to commend you on the choice
to play Cate Blanchett

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and Dame Judy Dench
as 400-year-old women.

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Sydnee, can you now speak
to the lesbianism?

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George, from the back, you were giving
me, you know, butch queen vibes.

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Yoni, the overacting made me feel like
I was in a fight with my girlfriend.

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So that was lesbianism.

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That's quite relatable.

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I was actually triggered.

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Yeah.

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Unfortunately, triggering a lesbian
is an automatic deduction of 12 points.

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Yeah.

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The winner of Acting Battle is Yoni Lotan.

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Yeah, yeah

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Boys, it is now time for you...

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To make an entrance!

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- Oh, my god.
- Okay.

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All right.

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Welcome to Tampa, Florida, honey.

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911, honey.

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'Cause let me tell you something...
He has got to be a stripper.

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Pet that dog and throw it away.

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[cheers and applause]

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- Hello, body!
- Okay.

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Channing Tatum herself.

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[cheers and applause]

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- Wow.
- Thank you, Yoni.

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- George of the jungle.
- Oh!

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Is that Britney's snake?

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- Oh, my god.
- Oh, my god.

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Britney Spears vibe here.

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This is an iconic moment
for animal abuse.

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- This snake is long.
- Uh-oh.

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- Oh, I see this.
- Uh-huh.

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Oh, who knew he was feral himself?

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- Wow.
- There we go, George.

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Much like Judas, the famed character
in Lady Gaga's song "Judas,"

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your lifelines
have now turned against you.

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Rachel, how are we feeling
about Yoni's performance?

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Well, first of all, he looks
incredibly Jewish right now.

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So as a Jewish woman, yes.

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Okay.

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My ovaries are just like--

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if I weren't already pregnant,
I'd be pregnant from that.

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Oh, good.
Perfect.

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Sydnee Washington, what do we think
of George's performance?

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George gave me, like,
a Britney Spears on Xanax.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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You, like, stay true to yourself.
You didn't do too much.

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Just like Britney Spears.

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The crowning!

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And now the winner of "Gayme Show,"

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named honorarily gay as fuck,

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the queen of the straights is...

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Yoni Lotan!

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Yeah, yeah, yeah

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The "Gayme Show!"

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See you next time, and...

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Shania Twain!

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The "Gayme Show!"