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Two straight men

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But one will win

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Oh, oh, oh, oh

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"Gayme Show!"

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Linda Cardellini, everyone.

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Yes, Linda Cardellini, Matt.

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In our community, that means
power to the people.

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I'm your host Matt Rogers.

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And I'm Dave Mizzoni,
and I can host tonight.

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Gross.

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- Yeah.
- This is "Gayme Show!,"

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where we take two straight contestants
and put them head-to-head

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to see which one of them
will be named honorarily...

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Gay as fuck!

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And will reign forevermore
as queen of the straights.

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Oh, yeah, yeah!

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Before we meet our straights,
let's get to know their lifelines,

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or as we call them, life partners.

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First up is our wise queer.

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Please welcome Guy Branum.

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And now the woman who gets it.

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It's Tawny Newsome!

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And with that, we're ready to meet
the straights.

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Release them!

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Langston Kerman once spent a year
teaching poetry at his former high school.

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Move on, dude.

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Andrew Ti owns a T-shirt
which depicts

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the cartoon characters Chip 'n' Dale
dabbing.

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Celebrity Essences!

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Contestants will now be given
three different clues,

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which, when combined, will form
the essence of a particular celebrity.

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Your clues are...

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ripping off a diamond necklace.

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I can't take it anymore.

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SPF 1,000.

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You can never be too careful.

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And the sun hitting your face
as you leave divorce court,

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and it almost feels like the very first
time you felt that sun.

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Deliberate and write down your answers.

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Now, who here can recommend me
a good moisturizer/SPF combo?

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You don't have to engage with that.

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Who is this?

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Let's go to Guy and Langston first.

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- Oh, boy.
- Show them what you wrote down.

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Okay.

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We went with Gwyneth Paltrow.

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Okay.

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I know it's wrong.

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Tawny and Andrew, now,
tell me your answer.

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Gotta be Nicole Kidman.

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- Okay.
- Oh, god.

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So it looks like you went through quite
a journey to get there.

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- It's my wheel of pale.
- Yeah.

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So we had Rooney Mara initially,

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the palest human being alive.

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But I said she does not look old enough
to have had an unsuccessful marriage yet.

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So I am noticing that you wrote
Rooney Mara again.

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First draft, best draft.

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Let's reveal that answer.

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It's Nicole!

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Unbelievable.

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Oh, yeah

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Throughout history, iconic actresses
ranging from Marisa Tomei to Amy Adams

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as well as other actresses
such as Jennifer Connelly

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have been forced to play
one-dimensional supporting roles

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written by men named Steve.

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I will now spin
the wheel of stock one-liners,

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and the straights will have one take
to turn the ordinary into extraordinary.

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Best supporting actress

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Here we go.

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You always have a home
here with mama.

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You always have a home
here with mama,

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David.

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- Oh!
- Oh, my god.

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- Oh, my god.
- Wow, um...

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It felt personal.

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I'm a sucker for immersive theater.

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Let's go now to the Academy.

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I mean, that was beautiful.

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I--I trembled.

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It felt socially realistic.

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It felt like it was a commentary
on American economics and David.

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As soon as he stepped out,
I said, "This man has seen a stage play."

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Yeah. Yeah.

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And now onto our next performance.

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Matt, spin that wheel.

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Did last night mean nothing?

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Did last night mean nothing?

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All right, both a lot and a little.

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Let's go now to the Academy.

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Andrew, I've known you a long time.

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You are not a performer.

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But tonight you were.

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Yes.

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All right, I wasn't sure
where we were headed with that.

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I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

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A woman lighting her own cigarette?

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What is this, the '70s?

99
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Well, it's 5:00 a.m. and Salma Hayek
has just slowly announced

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that you've both
been nominated for Oscars.

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Oh, yeah

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When a queer person enters a room,
that room legally becomes a stage.

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Boys, it's now time for you...

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To make an entrance!

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Someone's busting out.

106
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There's a man to hunt.

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- No!
- Oh!

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No!
He's trying to get away!

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- No!
- Oh, no!

110
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It's a jailbreak!

111
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Andrew Ti--oh, no!

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The bag of money!

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Absolutely use the stage.

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Whoa!

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I was very afraid.

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Oh, my gosh.

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Oh, my god.

118
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Oh!

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It's a space man!

120
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Oh, my god, from the planet Venus.

121
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Yes.

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Oh, he's here to plant the gay flag
on Mars.

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Yes.
Safely plant it.

124
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Wow.

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Sir, who are you?

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Beam me up, Scotty.

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Reveal!

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Oh, my god.

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Oh, my gosh.

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- Wow.
- Ugh!

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Gay people have trust issues.

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- Mm-hmm.
- We feel you should as well.

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Your life partners will now
become your judges.

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Tawny.

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I said, "Give us glasses
over Halloween mask."

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He delivered.

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I said, "Give us 'O Brother,
Where Out There?'

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not George Clooney,
one of the other ones."

139
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- Okay.
- He delivered.

140
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And lastly, I said, "Please,
give us Mr. Bean."

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My boy delivered.

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Yes.
We thank you for your service.

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- Thank you.
- Guy, talk to us.

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I mean, Langston just landed on the Moon.

145
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Look, let's be honest.

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There were times when I felt like
the accessories were wearing him,

147
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but when he had trouble getting the pole
into the hole, that felt very relatable.

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Been there.

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Visible nipples in a jumpsuit:
that's queer culture.

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The crowning!

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Gentlemen, tonight you've gone
from a Von Dutch hat

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to a gorgeous statement headpiece
worn by Bjork to her own funeral.

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Nice.

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And now the winner of "Gayme Show!,"

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named honorarily gay as fuck,

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the queen of the straights is...

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Langston Kerman!

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Honorary gay

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We did it.

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Yeah, yeah!

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See you next time and...

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Linda Cardellini.

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You were fabulous.