Two straight men
But one will win
Oh, oh, oh, oh
"Gayme Show!"
Linda Cardellini, everyone.
Yes, Linda Cardellini, Matt.
In our community, that means power to the people.
I'm your host Matt Rogers.
And I'm Dave Mizzoni, and I can host tonight.
Gross.
- Yeah. - This is "Gayme Show!,"
where we take two straight contestants and put them head-to-head
to see which one of them will be named honorarily...
Gay as fuck!
And will reign forevermore as queen of the straights.
Oh, yeah, yeah!
Before we meet our straights, let's get to know their lifelines,
or as we call them, life partners.
First up is our wise queer.
Please welcome Guy Branum.
And now the woman who gets it.
It's Tawny Newsome!
And with that, we're ready to meet the straights.
Release them!
Langston Kerman once spent a year teaching poetry at his former high school.
Move on, dude.
Andrew Ti owns a T-shirt which depicts
the cartoon characters Chip 'n' Dale dabbing.
Celebrity Essences!
Contestants will now be given three different clues,
which, when combined, will form the essence of a particular celebrity.
Your clues are...
ripping off a diamond necklace.
I can't take it anymore.
SPF 1,000.
You can never be too careful.
And the sun hitting your face as you leave divorce court,
and it almost feels like the very first time you felt that sun.
Deliberate and write down your answers.
Now, who here can recommend me a good moisturizer/SPF combo?
You don't have to engage with that.
Who is this?
Let's go to Guy and Langston first.
- Oh, boy. - Show them what you wrote down.
Okay.
We went with Gwyneth Paltrow.
Okay.
I know it's wrong.
Tawny and Andrew, now, tell me your answer.
Gotta be Nicole Kidman.
- Okay. - Oh, god.
So it looks like you went through quite a journey to get there.
- It's my wheel of pale. - Yeah.
So we had Rooney Mara initially,
the palest human being alive.
But I said she does not look old enough to have had an unsuccessful marriage yet.
So I am noticing that you wrote Rooney Mara again.
First draft, best draft.
Let's reveal that answer.
It's Nicole!
Unbelievable.
Oh, yeah
Throughout history, iconic actresses ranging from Marisa Tomei to Amy Adams
as well as other actresses such as Jennifer Connelly
have been forced to play one-dimensional supporting roles
written by men named Steve.
I will now spin the wheel of stock one-liners,
and the straights will have one take to turn the ordinary into extraordinary.
Best supporting actress
Here we go.
You always have a home here with mama.
You always have a home here with mama,
David.
- Oh! - Oh, my god.
- Wow, um...
It felt personal.
I'm a sucker for immersive theater.
Let's go now to the Academy.
I mean, that was beautiful.
I--I trembled.
It felt socially realistic.
It felt like it was a commentary on American economics and David.
As soon as he stepped out, I said, "This man has seen a stage play."
Yeah. Yeah.
And now onto our next performance.
Matt, spin that wheel.
Did last night mean nothing?
All right, both a lot and a little.
Let's go now to the Academy.
Andrew, I've known you a long time.
You are not a performer.
But tonight you were.
Yes.
All right, I wasn't sure where we were headed with that.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
A woman lighting her own cigarette?
What is this, the '70s?
Well, it's 5:00 a.m. and Salma Hayek has just slowly announced
that you've both been nominated for Oscars.
Oh, yeah
When a queer person enters a room, that room legally becomes a stage.
Boys, it's now time for you...
To make an entrance!
Someone's busting out.
There's a man to hunt.
- No! - Oh!
No! He's trying to get away!
- No! - Oh, no!
It's a jailbreak!
Andrew Ti--oh, no!
The bag of money!
Absolutely use the stage.
Whoa!
I was very afraid.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my god.
Oh!
It's a space man!
Oh, my god, from the planet Venus.
Yes.
Oh, he's here to plant the gay flag on Mars.
Yes. Safely plant it.
Wow.
Sir, who are you?
Beam me up, Scotty.
Reveal!
Oh, my god.
Oh, my gosh.
- Wow. - Ugh!
Gay people have trust issues.
- Mm-hmm. - We feel you should as well.
Your life partners will now become your judges.
Tawny.
I said, "Give us glasses over Halloween mask."
He delivered.
I said, "Give us 'O Brother, Where Out There?'
not George Clooney, one of the other ones."
- Okay. - He delivered.
And lastly, I said, "Please, give us Mr. Bean."
My boy delivered.
Yes. We thank you for your service.
- Thank you. - Guy, talk to us.
I mean, Langston just landed on the Moon.
Look, let's be honest.
There were times when I felt like the accessories were wearing him,
but when he had trouble getting the pole into the hole, that felt very relatable.
Been there.
Visible nipples in a jumpsuit: that's queer culture.
The crowning!
Gentlemen, tonight you've gone from a Von Dutch hat
to a gorgeous statement headpiece worn by Bjork to her own funeral.
Nice.
And now the winner of "Gayme Show!,"
named honorarily gay as fuck,
the queen of the straights is...
Langston Kerman!
Honorary gay
We did it.
Yeah, yeah!
See you next time and...
Linda Cardellini.
You were fabulous.