- ♪ Two straight men ♪
♪ But one will win ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ "Gayme Show!" ♪
- Linda Cardellini, everyone.
- Yes, Linda Cardellini, Matt.
In our community, that means power to the people.
- I'm your host Matt Rogers.
- And I'm Dave Mizzoni, and I can host tonight.
- Gross.
- Yeah. - This is "Gayme Show!,"
where we take two straight contestants and put them head-to-head
to see which one of them will be named honorarily...
ALL: Gay as fuck!
- And will reign forevermore as queen of the straights.
- ♪ Oh, yeah, yeah! ♪
- Before we meet our straights, let's get to know their lifelines,
or as we call them, life partners.
- First up is our wise queer.
Please welcome Guy Branum.
[cheers and applause]
- And now the woman who gets it.
It's Tawny Newsome!
[cheers and applause]
And with that, we're ready to meet the straights.
- Release them!
Langston Kerman once spent a year teaching poetry at his former high school.
Move on, dude.
[cheers and applause]
MATT: Andrew Ti owns a T-shirt which depicts
the cartoon characters Chip 'n' Dale dabbing.
[cheers and applause]
♪ ♪
- ♪ Celebrity Essences! ♪
- Contestants will now be given three different clues,
which, when combined, will form the essence of a particular celebrity.
Your clues are...
ripping off a diamond necklace.
- I can't take it anymore.
- SPF 1,000.
- You can never be too careful.
- And the sun hitting your face as you leave divorce court,
and it almost feels like the very first time you felt that sun.
[laughter] Deliberate and write down your answers.
DAVE: Now, who here can recommend me a good moisturizer/SPF combo?
MATT: You don't have to engage with that.
Who is this?
Let's go to Guy and Langston first.
- Oh, boy. - Show them what you wrote down.
- Okay.
We went with Gwyneth Paltrow.
MATT: Okay.
- I know it's wrong.
- Tawny and Andrew, now, tell me your answer.
- Gotta be Nicole Kidman.
MATT: Okay. DAVE: Oh, god.
- So it looks like you went through quite a journey to get there.
- It's my wheel of pale. MATT: Yeah.
- So we had Rooney Mara initially,
the palest human being alive.
- But I said she does not look old enough to have had an unsuccessful marriage yet.
- So I am noticing that you wrote Rooney Mara again.
- First draft, best draft.
- Let's reveal that answer.
It's Nicole!
- [screams]
[cheers and applause]
MATT: Unbelievable.
VONZELL: ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
- Throughout history, iconic actresses ranging from Marisa Tomei to Amy Adams
as well as other actresses such as Jennifer Connelly
have been forced to play one-dimensional supporting roles
written by men named Steve.
- I will now spin the wheel of stock one-liners,
and the straights will have one take to turn the ordinary into extraordinary.
♪ ♪
- ♪ Best supporting actress ♪
DAVE: Here we go.
[wheel clicking]
MATT: You always have a home here with mama.
♪ ♪
- You always have a home here with mama,
David.
- Oh! - Oh, my god.
- Wow, um...
It felt personal.
- I'm a sucker for immersive theater.
Let's go now to the Academy.
- I mean, that was beautiful.
I--I trembled.
It felt socially realistic.
It felt like it was a commentary on American economics and David.
- As soon as he stepped out, I said, "This man has seen a stage play."
- Yeah. Yeah. [laughter]
- And now onto our next performance.
Matt, spin that wheel.
[wheel clicking]
MATT: Did last night mean nothing?
[forlorn music]
- Did last night mean nothing?
[laughter and applause]
- All right, both a lot and a little.
Let's go now to the Academy.
- Andrew, I've known you a long time.
You are not a performer.
But tonight you were.
- Yes.
- All right, I wasn't sure where we were headed with that.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
A woman lighting her own cigarette?
What is this, the '70s?
- Well, it's 5:00 a.m. and Salma Hayek has just slowly announced
that you've both been nominated for Oscars.
[cheers and applause]
VONZELL: ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
- When a queer person enters a room, that room legally becomes a stage.
[laughter]
- Boys, it's now time for you...
ALL: To make an entrance!
♪ ♪
DAVE: Someone's busting out.
There's a man to hunt.
MATT: No! DAVE: Oh!
- No! He's trying to get away!
- No! - Oh, no!
It's a jailbreak!
Andrew Ti--oh, no!
The bag of money!
DAVE: Absolutely use the stage.
BOTH: Whoa!
- [laughs] I was very afraid.
[cheers and applause]
DAVE: Oh, my gosh.
MATT: Oh, my god.
DAVE: Oh!
MATT: It's a space man!
DAVE: Oh, my god, from the planet Venus.
MATT: Yes.
Oh, he's here to plant the gay flag on Mars.
Yes. Safely plant it.
DAVE: Wow.
MATT: Sir, who are you?
DAVE: Beam me up, Scotty.
MATT: Reveal!
Oh, my god.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Wow. - Ugh!
- Gay people have trust issues.
- Mm-hmm. - We feel you should as well.
Your life partners will now become your judges.
Tawny.
- I said, "Give us glasses over Halloween mask."
He delivered.
I said, "Give us 'O Brother, Where Out There?'
not George Clooney, one of the other ones."
- Okay. - He delivered.
And lastly, I said, "Please, give us Mr. Bean."
My boy delivered.
- Yes. We thank you for your service.
Thank you. - Guy, talk to us.
I mean, Langston just landed on the Moon.
- Look, let's be honest.
There were times when I felt like the accessories were wearing him,
but when he had trouble getting the pole into the hole, that felt very relatable.
[laughter] - Been there.
- Visible nipples in a jumpsuit: that's queer culture.
[cheers and applause]
- ♪ The crowning! ♪
- Gentlemen, tonight you've gone from a Von Dutch hat
to a gorgeous statement headpiece worn by Bjork to her own funeral.
[laughter] - Nice.
And now the winner of "Gayme Show!,"
named honorarily gay as fuck,
the queen of the straights is...
BOTH: Langston Kerman!
- ♪ Honorary gay ♪
MATT: We did it.
- ♪ Yeah, yeah! ♪
- See you next time and...
BOTH: Linda Cardellini.
♪ ♪
DAVE: You were fabulous.