("I Am Woman" by Emmy Meli playing)
Well, John Essex,
I'm here to say goodbye.
I came here to revolutionize comedy
and become the first BIPOC, sex-positive Mark Twain.
But instead, all I did was skip class and tap ass.
I know that actually makes it sound pretty cool,
but I promise, it's not.
The truth is, I'm a dick.
I alienated every group I joined,
I put my ambition before my friendships,
and I squandered all my opportunities.
So... (sighs) I'm leaving.
I'll miss you and my roommates,
and of course, the endless sea
of ripped men who shared their bodies so freely.
But I need to work on my hardest project yet:
myself.
Also, damn, you have a thick neck.
And you're what, seven foot, three? (groans)
If we were here at the same time, Johnny,
I would've been all over you.
WOMAN: Excuse me, miss?
Bela Malhotra? Were you just in there
- asking to transfer schools? - Yes. That was me.
You see, my first year of college was not
what I had hoped for.
After giving a few hand jobs to secure a spot
in an elite comedy magazine, I rea--
Yeah, I don't need to know all of that,
but you can't transfer.
I've worked here for 30 years,
I've never seen a GPA as low as yours.
A girl in a coma did better than you.
Yeah, but that was clearly, like, political.
I think your only option is to come back here in the fall
and try and get your grades up.
Also, that's not John Essex. It's Jacob Meier-Yates.
And he was a bad man.
He froze to death on the Oregon Trail
after eating his family.
Yikes!
Really need to work on my taste in men.
♪ You do ♪
("Bet" by Mette playing)
♪ Bet, bet on that ♪
♪ You do ♪
♪ Bet, bet on that ♪
♪ You do ♪
♪ Bet, bet on that... ♪
(giggles) Summer was so fun.
I can't wait to tell everyone
about our backpacking trip to Europe.
Same, but just as a reminder,
what we did was definitely not backpacking.
You hired a chauffeur
and we stayed in luxury hotels the whole time.
Yeah, I mean, sure, but I did have
a really cute little backpack.
MAN: God, I love Vermont.
The leaves, the mountains, the maple syrup.
If it wasn't for their insane socialist politics,
I would move here.
Well, you know, it's a great place for lesbians.
Yeah, lesbians who love to pay inheritance tax.
Dad, it's so nice spending time with you,
but you really didn't have to come for move-in day.
Honey, I'm not gonna miss out on a road trip
with my favorite gal pals, okay?
Plus, I've been a little depressed,
and your mom said I had to get out of the house.
- (phone ringing) - Oh, um, do you mind just pulling over?
Um, yeah. Yeah, sure, of course.
Is-is everything okay?
It's fine. It's... just a quick call.
Sorry.
Just one minute.
If you think she's talking to some other girl,
you're wrong.
I mean, that was my first thought, too,
but I just don't want your mind to go there.
♪ One day ♪
♪ Soon you'll be loving me... ♪
Ooh, the first Finkle to make it to the second year of college.
You did it, honey!
You lasted longer than your cousin Ron
who got kicked out of Arizona State
for AirDropping photos of his penis to strangers.
I'm very proud, Mom.
Well, have you heard back from Whitney yet?
No. She's still ghosting me
'cause of all the Canaan stuff.
Oh, honey, look, fighting over a boy is
such small potatoes in the lifetime of a friendship.
- Everything's gonna be okay. - Thanks, Mom.
Well, I, for one, am very excited to meet Canaan.
- Dad, what are you wearing? - Do you like it?
Donald Glover wore something very similar at the, uh, BAFTAs.
Uh, it's... very iridescent.
Yeah, and not very breathable. I'm sweating like a pig.
- It's bad. - Okay.
Uh, but worth it to impress your new boyfriend.
Oh, he's not my boyfriend.
We haven't defined things in that way.
Sorry. Uh, "partner"
or whatever, whatever young people say now.
- I think it's person-friend? - Oh, person-friend.
- It's not. - CAROL: Okay.
- Okay. - Well, we should get on the road.
- Okay. Love you, guys. - Oh, I love you.
Wait, wait, wait, I thought we're all going out to lunch.
I want Canaan to, uh, see my shirt and like me.
Yeah, I'll tell him about it. Love you, guys.
Love you!
♪ But for what? ♪
♪ For what... ♪
(automated voice): Show us
you mother-daughter drop-off dance.
♪ Just want that Hailey JB... ♪
EVETTE: It's perfect. I cannot wait to post this.
I dare Chris Matthews to say I'm alarmingly stiff again.
Okay, well, I'm just glad I get to help you
with your important, mission-driven work, Mom.
(chuckles) I love you so much.
And I know your sophomore year is going to be incredible--
- (shrieks) There she is! - (grunts)
- (gasps) - Oh, my God! Stop! I know her.
- You know this assailant? - Oh, my God.
Um, she's not an assailant, Mom.
This is my sorority sister, Ashlie.
I'm sorry, Ashlie. Since January 6th,
we have a no-tolerance policy
for strawberry-blonde women running at me.
Oh, oh, my God, no, I'm fine. My spine took the brunt of it.
Let me help you with those, my new sister.
Not "sista." That's never okay. (chuckles)
I am just gonna say it.
I think it's weird that you're living here.
It's not weird, Mom.
The Kappa house is like the Four Seasons.
Plus, it's close to the soccer field, okay?
- It's gonna be a great year. - I am just surprised
you're not living with Kimberly again.
I liked her.
She would text me the GPS coordinates
of any party you were attending.
Yeah, well, Kimberly and I...
What's wrong, honey?
Nothing, I just needed a change.
You want to walk me inside?
- Sure. - (overlapping chatter nearby)
MAN: Their game is not that good. Trust me on this.
("SO MUCH" by Louis La Roche playing)
I would never objectify a young man.
But I will keep staring until he walks by.
(quietly): Mom, stop. Weird.
♪ So much for hoping ♪
♪ So much for knowing. ♪
(knock at door)
Oh, thank God you're here.
This is a disaster.
We live in a triple.
Oh, hi, Bela.
My summer was great, too. Thank you for asking.
How weird is this?
This is the common room, and then all of us sleep
in that one tiny bedroom.
Oh, hell no.
Isn't it fucking weird?
Guys, it's three beds in a room.
Yeah, but it's, like, asymmetrical.
I'm getting dizzy. I need to sit down.
I am not sleeping on some bunk bed
like some sleepaway camp nobody.
Dibs on the single.
I think you guys are both being dramatic.
LEIGHTON: It's not just that.
This is just strange without Whitney.
BELA: Yeah. She was our Sporty Spice.
We're 25% less hot now.
I miss that bitch.
Well, I for one think this new room is amazing.
The view is so much better from the top floor.
We're gonna see so many birds!
Fine. But we got to style the crap out of this place.
Like with this chair.
I got here early and installed it myself.
Sophomore year, we got to step up our game.
- (shouts) - (gasps)
KIMBERLY: Bela, are you okay?
I'm fine, I'll fix that later.
I will be making all of our furniture decisions this year.
(sighs) Understood.
Have either of you heard from Whitney?
I know she isn't talking to me, but it's weird that she didn't
text the group thread once the entire summer.
There's a new thread without you.
- What? - And Leighton and I went
to visit Whitney in D.C. and had dinner
- with Kamala Harris. - What?!
(sighs) I wasn't going to tell her that part.
Look, you need to fix this.
It's giving me group chat anxiety.
Plus Bela keeps sending her jokes in both threads,
and it is hard enough to pretend that I like them once.
Well, I tried to fix things all summer.
I texted, I called,
I even sent her a really moving video
of me playing the ukulele, but she never responded.
So I figured she just needed time to get over it.
Or maybe you gave her so much space and time
that she realized her life was fine without you.
At least that's what she told Kamala.
(gasps) She talked to Kamala about me?
Well, mostly Doug.
(gasps) Doug was there?
♪ You make me feel like ♪
♪ Lilies in springtime ♪
♪ Fly me to the moon... ♪
Is it me, or did a bunch of guys at this school have
a major glow-up this summer?
I mean, look at Skinny Greg.
Now he's Thick Greg.
Look at all that titty meat he put on.
Yo, I think I'm gonna fuck Thick Skinny Greg.
I, too, have an announcement.
After a summer full of soul searching,
I've decided I'm gonna take a break from comedy.
- Aw. - Oh. - LEIGHTON: Wait,
didn't those girls kick you out of their group?
I mean, you're just...
making it sound like it was your choice.
While that is technically true, I have simultaneously decided
that I will be transforming myself.
I hated who I was last year.
I was selfish, I was lazy,
and I led every situation with sexuality.
Like even now.
Why is my shirt buttoned so low?
I'm proud of you, Bela. It's hard to look in the mirror,
realize you're annoying, and want to change.
LEIGHTON: Yeah, a break from comedy is good, you know.
I can't believe I know which comedy theater
every cast member from SNL got their start at.
I mean, I'm popular, I shouldn't know that.
- Hello, my former fresh-thems. - Oh.
I'm so proud to see you so happy and...
- (coughing) - Ugh!
- Frude, are you okay? - I am not.
I just found out I contracted tropical pneumonia
on my summer volunteer trip.
So I am actually returning to Sweden.
I'm looking for someone who'd be willing
to be a FAF for my new fresh-them.
It is such an important job.
Who will comfort them when they are homesick?
Or spray Narcan in their tiny, young nostrils?
- Oh. - Ooh.
- I'll do it. I'll be a FAF. - (chuckles)
Y-You're being serious?
BELA: Yeah, I think I'd be great at it.
I made a ton of mistakes last year.
Maybe the best person to guide these kids
is someone who really messed up a lot.
Traditionally, that is not the criteria.
I want to help people avoid the mistakes I made.
Please, Frude. I really think I can do this.
Also, I was a camp counselor one summer,
and I almost never lost a kid.
Okay, then.
I'll send over all the necessary materials
you need for... (coughing)
- Ugh. - LEIGHTON: Oh, my God, okay, Frude?
We love you, walk away from our food right now.
Right now.
Well, I'm off.
I'm going to buy an apology gift for Whitney.
I'm thinking a small, tasteful crystal raccoon figurine.
You're getting her a crappy trinket
- for fucking her boyfriend? - (chuckles)
Well, first off, Canaan wasn't her boyfriend anymore,
and we actually haven't had sex.
You haven't even fucked him yet?
It's been all summer. Why is this betrayal so chaste?
Well, Canaan was in New York for his internship,
and I was back home working at Groomingdales.
We did try to have a naughty Zoom session one night,
but my computer is busted and I couldn't figure out
how to turn off the pirate hat filter.
Okay, just come up with a better gift for Whitney.
Okay, we all need you to fix this.
Oh! What if, instead of getting something for her,
I made something for her?
Okay, that's a no. I'll think of something.
I'll text you ideas. I don't trust your taste.
(Whitney grunts)
How are you kicking the ball so hard?
Did you start taking steroids?
Nod once for yes
and twice if you'll give me some to help grow my booty muscles.
No, I'm just picturing Kimberly's dumb face as I kick.
Interesting. I actually think her face is quite pretty.
- (grunts) - I knew that would fuel you.
Stay angry, we'll ride this all the way to nationals.
- (whistle blows) - COACH DAWN: Scrimmage.
Returning starters in blue, first-years in yellow.
Ready to put these girls in their place?
You know it. But it might be mostly on you.
I haven't exercised since June.
♪ Na-na-na-na-na ♪
♪ Don't stop, let's drop ♪
♪ Na-na-na-na-na, don't stop ♪
♪ Give me some, give me some, give me some, girl ♪
♪ Don't stop ♪
♪ Don't let your body stop, let your body go ♪
♪ Don't let your body stop ♪
♪ Give me some, give me some, na-na-na-na-na ♪
♪ Don't stop, let's drop ♪
♪ Na-na-na-na-na, don't stop ♪
♪ Give me some, give me some, give me some, girl... ♪
Yo, that new girl is good.
What position is she?
She lined up in center.
Whit, you might be in for a fight.
♪ On the beat of the drum, give me some ♪
♪ On the beat of the drum ♪
♪ Give me some, don't stop ♪
♪ On the beat of the drum, give me some. ♪
- Hello? - Oh, hey, Leighton.
Professor Tocchini, where is everybody?
Isn't this supposed to be Algebraic
and Differential Topology?
It was, but you were the only person
that passed the placement exams,
so the school is canceling the course.
Wait, so I'm being punished for being the only one good at math
at this cheap-ass school?
Yes.
Well, this is fucked!
I-I was psyched to learn about sequences of fibrations
- and fiber bundles. - The good news is
that you could fill this opening in your schedule
by taking one of the other classes that I'm teaching.
I mean, have you ever thought about
the role math plays in The Hobbit, huh?
Oh, hey, who-who you calling?
Our family lawyer.
My dad and grandpa dodged two different wars
to be able to attend Essex.
So they will not be happy about this.
Just wait-wait a second. C-Can you stop?
If you could... Just stop, stop.
Sorry. Sorry.
The only other thing you could do
is you could take this class at a nearby school.
Essex is part of a consortium,
so if you don't mind a little travel,
you, you could take a much more advanced math class
at the UVM grad school.
- How much is a little travel? - 30 minutes.
60. S-Sometimes 90.
But it's very scenic.
♪ All I want is you ♪
Fine.
♪ ♪
♪ All I want is you. ♪
Damn! Rain shower. Okay.
(gentle music playing)
Oh.
Okay. Spa music.
Bulgari. Oh, this shit is coming with me.
- BLAIR: Hi there. - (gasps)
Hi.
Sorry, uh, you surprised me.
Sorry. I've trained myself to have a really light tread
so I can find out if the other girls are talking about me.
I'm Blair. So what do you think of Kappa so far?
You know, I'm really gonna miss the guy in our dorm
who got so drunk, he thought our door was a urinal.
But other than that, I would say this is okay.
Oh, my God, that's so good to hear.
(sighs) Look, I've been tasked
to speak with you about something, though.
It was me. I took all the soaps and shampoos.
They're just so fancy.
No, you just-- You didn't attend
the Bagels and Bonding event this morning,
so I have to give you this.
(phone chimes)
- Oh, a bill for $80? - Yeah.
- No, I was at-- I was at soccer. - Yes.
You know what? We love how much of a badass girlboss
you are on the field, but...
you know, we also really require that you kick in with us, too.
Or you can give us a 40-hour advance notice
if you can't attend something. Okay, sis?
Okay, I'll see you at the Chai n' Chat.
I'm so excited.
I heard it's gonna be awesome.
- (doorbell ringing musically) - (door opens)
CASSIDY: Whitney, there's someone here for you.
Oh. Hey.
Hey.
Can I hug you? I'd love to hug you.
No, thanks.
Look...
I know you've been ignoring my texts,
so I came here to say I'm sorry.
I really miss you.
I thought about you all summer.
Not a day went by at Groomingdales
when I didn't see you in the faces
of those little cats and dogs.
Is there a point to this?
I wanted to apologize in person.
- And give you this. - (bag rustles)
It's a Caboodle.
You complimented mine last year,
so I thought you could use it to organize your makeup,
since that really stressed you out.
Look, if you wanted to be friends,
you shouldn't have made out with my ex
and then lied to my face about it.
- (all gasp) - You did what?
Oh, this is kind of a private conversation.
We're in a sorority. There's no such thing.
Yeah. I would never speak ill of women.
- No. - But if you did that to your friend,
you're a cock-gobbling skank.
I'm not a cock-gobbler.
I can't believe you have the audacity to come here
with your lame-ass jeggings and weird recycled shoes
and make this weak-ass apology.
They're not weird.
They donate a pair to a poor person
for every pair that you buy.
Oh, great, so now a homeless lady
has a pair of ugly shoes, too.
Get out!
ALL: Bye. Bye. Bye.
You're no longer welcome in our foyer.
- What even is a Caboodle? - Poor Whitney.
KIMBERLY: I'll just leave the Caboodle on the porch.
♪ ♪
Hey, I need to talk to you about something.
Okay, we've been over this.
All right, having sex dreams about Kristen Stewart
is not cheating.
Honestly, it would be weird if you didn't have them.
Uh, it's not about that.
What I wanted to tell you is that, um...
I'm leaving Essex.
To work for Carrie Watanabe.
- The mayor of Boston? - Yes, and she's amazing.
And I would be working directly for her.
That's why I've been on so many weird phone calls.
Found out this morning.
So you're gonna be a college dropout?
(chuckles) Are you kidding?
It's not like I'm leaving to sell meth.
This is the kind of job I would kill to get after I graduate.
Yeah, so wait until you graduate like everyone normal.
This is crazy.
This opportunity might not be there after I graduate.
Why stick around and take on more debt?
Not all of us pay for college with cash.
Okay. All right.
Well, you don't have to be such a bitch about it.
- I didn't mean it like that. - No, no.
No, uh, I mean, you've clearly made up your mind,
so I will just take my privileged ass and I will leave.
(door opens)
Enjoy Boston.
You call it a major city?
They don't even have a subway that runs overnight there.
- (door closes) - (sighs)
- BELA: Hello, first-years! - (intense music playing)
We are now introducing your FAF leader,
Bela "The Boss Bitch" Malhotra!
Yes. Yes, guys.
- Ah, yes! - (music ends)
Thanks for that wonderful intro, announcer.
Just kidding.
That was me, yelling from outside, in the hall.
(chuckles)
Okay.
My name is Bela Malhotra, and I will be your FAF.
I am here to help guide you
through your first year of college, with sensitivity,
an envelope-pushing sense of humor, and wisdom.
And no cap, I am wise as hell.
First question.
We love to see it. What's up?
Why are you wearing a tie?
Oh, um, it's sort of my style.
Subtly turning traditional menswear on its head.
I'm told it's cool in the queer community.
Well, I'm queer and I don't know
anyone that would dress like that.
Ah, well,
that's so great that you're queer.
But I'm pretty certain this is fashionable.
I would know, I'm from New Jersey.
Where are you from?
Mayfair. London.
Oh, damn.
- Is it true you have a 1.8 GPA? - How do you know that?
You tweeted it. I looked you up before the meeting.
You posted a screenshot with the caption:
"1.8, more like one point great."
Okay, first off, that post
- got a lot of likes. - 13?
Yeah, that's a lot for a non-verified.
Sorry I'm not Ryan Reynolds or whatever.
But, more importantly,
my low GPA is exactly why I'm excited to be your FAF.
I didn't have a great first year at college,
but I can help you avoid my mistakes.
Anybody else? Anyone?
No?
Yes, same girl.
Taylor.
May I say something to the group?
Um, s-sure.
I'm sorry if this sounds
so Gen Z of me
or whatever, it's just I can't help
but think that this Essex tradition of "didactic
older person talking about the good ol' days"
is a little bit antiquated.
Okay, the portion of the FAF meeting where you question
the legitimacy of the FAF is over.
Everybody, take out your phones.
It's time to delete ChatGPT.
First Hillary Clinton and now me.
People love to attack a woman in power.
I'm not so sure it's misogyny
so much as someone just correctly pointing out
you might not be a fit for the job,
just based on everything about you.
You're right, it was probably jealousy.
That's not what I said.
Are you sure you even want to do it?
I mean, Frude didn't seem like
he liked it and now he might be dying.
Yeah, maybe I did jump at this too quickly.
I just got excited about the idea of doing something good
- with all the mistakes I've made. - I get that.
But you'll find another way
to help people, I'm sure of it.
- Yeah. - True.
Maybe I could start a podcast.
Like a funny, cautionary one
about all the dumb moves people make in college.
(gasps) Episode one could be about a girl
who sleeps with her married soccer coach.
Why am I first? Use your own damn mistakes.
LEIGHTON: Just tell Frude that you don't want to be a FAF.
And we will convince you
out of doing your podcast at a later date.
(phone buzzing)
Ooh, declining a call from Alicia.
Asserting your alpha dom femme top energy?
Making sure she knows you're mother?
Bela, stop using gay slang.
But I'm getting so good at it.
No, I'm ignoring Alicia
because she told me she's dropping out.
- What? - Are you serious?
Then why are you ignoring her? Call her back.
Convince her to stay.
No way, Alicia is stubborn as hell.
If I tell her not to do something,
she's gonna want to do it more.
But if I ice her out, she's gonna get
in her head and she'll realize
it's a crazy idea to leave.
Sometimes the most persuasive argument
is saying nothing at all.
Does that work?
Wow, I guess it does.
All right, well, I got to go, but
I will see you both at the Y2K party tonight.
Do you have your hot '90s looks picked out?
BELA: Hell yeah, I do.
I'll be serving a whale tail
with one of Leighton's finest thongs.
You most certainly will not. Whit,
you do know Kimberly's coming later?
Like, probably with Canaan?
Yeah, I don't care.
I just hope the Kappas don't cut her head off.
You were joking about me
not being able to borrow a thong, right?
Couldn't have been more serious.
♪ Talk to me ♪
♪ D'you hear me calling out to you ♪
♪ Talk to me... ♪
(chuckles) Excuse me, miss?
You're the prettiest girl I have ever seen on this bus.
Banana chip?
Thank you, no.
Oh, okay.
Aw, these are so good.
It's how I get my potassium.
Your loss. (chuckles)
Where you headed?
The University of Vermont.
Wow, that is far.
You know, I get off at West Bolton.
I work for a horse breeder there.
Lot of manual labor.
A lot more than people would think.
I got to pull a baby horse...
out of a horse.
Sorry, I've been told
I can be quite the chatterbox.
How often do you think you're gonna be taking this bus?
Three times a week.
- That is a lot. - Yeah, but I'm
really excited for these classes.
And I don't have another option.
Well, don't you worry.
You and I, we're gonna be road dogs.
I'll show you the ins and outs of the east Vermont route.
Ooh, that rhymed.
But a little word to the wise, don't paint your nails.
The bumpy roads can make it a little messy.
Yeah, thank you.
I'm, um, I'm gonna take a nap.
Oh, you know what, that is a good idea.
You got a long ride ahead of you.
♪ Nous sommes, nous sommes, nous sommes... ♪
CANAAN: Kimberly.
- Canaan. - Hey.
(gasps) I was wondering when you'd get here.
Oh, I was sorting through the damaged baked goods,
and I saved you the least crushed scone.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually missed
- these dry-ass Sips scones. - Me, too.
Oh, I got you this shirt from New York.
"I pretzel New York"?
(laughing)
That's hilarious.
- Is it really that funny? - I really think it is.
Okay.
Oh, it's so good to see you
in person.
- I agree. - Hey!
No public displays of affection.
I'm kidding.
I already set up a cot in the back room
if y'all want to smush.
Um, thanks, but we're good.
- You sure? - Yeah. - Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna go get changed for work,
- and I'll be right back. - Okay.
(Canaan chuckles)
You know, I wasn't sure
if I could picture you and Canaan as a couple.
But you guys look so cute together.
Oh, I love an interracial romance... in real life.
On TV, I want people to stick to their own races.
I don't know why, but I do.
Mm. Well, thanks.
I really like Canaan.
I'm so happy to see him again.
I can't believe you guys haven't had sex yet.
I mean, it's like you're on a dating show
with the world's most boring premise.
I think we're gonna have some alone time tonight.
And I used one of my mom's Groupons
- to get everything waxed down there. - Nice.
My crotch is always cold now. I don't recommend it.
Mm, have you spoken to Whitney yet?
I tried. She's still so mad.
But she'll come around if I give her time, I know it.
Well, you followed your heart, and that's great.
And now you have Canaan, but your friendship with Whitney?
- That's gone, girl. - No, I disagree.
She and I were such good friends.
You don't just throw that away.
Nuh-uh. That friendship is dead.
This is not my opinion.
This is like Ten Commandments shit.
You stole her man.
(laughing): You guys are done.
Moses said that.
Hey.
♪ We're leaving the planet ♪
♪ And you can't come ♪
♪ Uh-huh, I'm through ♪
♪ With all these hyper mega bummer boys like you ♪
♪ Oh, yeah... ♪
- Okay. It's sophomore year. - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
It's time for us to be able
to take shots without making a face.
- Agreed. We can do this. Cheers. - Cheers.
- On three. One, two... - Okay.
- Oh, God. - You didn't even drink it yet.
No, but the smell got in my nose.
Oh, grow up.
It doesn't smell-- oh, God.
- (coughs) - LEIGHTON: Are you guys ready?
♪ A super graphic ultra-modern girl like me ♪
♪ We're hot... ♪
Oh, my God, Leighton, you look so beautiful I could cry.
Well, I wasn't going for beautiful.
I was going for shockingly hot.
You're hot. You're hotter than a news anchor.
Once Alicia sees me in this, there's no way
- she'll be able to leave school. - Wait, Alicia's leaving the school?
- Didn't we talk about this? - We talked about it
- at Whitney's lunch, not Kimberly's lunch. - Wait, you guys had
lunch with Whitney after you had lunch with me?
(groans) God, this sucks. I hate repeating stories.
You seem to really enjoy retelling that one
about locking eyes with Zendaya in an elevator.
Yeah, because that was so memorable.
- I mean, we were both going to the lobby. - Mm.
- Can we leave? - Yeah.
♪ Graphic ultra-modern, ooh, you got me la-la-la-ing... ♪
(singsongy): I brought chasers to pregame.
♪ Girl like me. ♪
Guys?
- (indistinct chatter) - Ah!
(all gasp)
Oh, hi, Whit, we're just getting ready to head out.
Good Lord. Are you gonna blend soon?
- (laughter) - After the setting powder bakes, silly.
Okay, well...
uh, before I go out, I usually like to put on music
and dance and drink and stuff. Anyone want to join me?
That literally sounds so fun, but no.
This is gonna take us another 45 minutes.
Oh, cool.
I guess I'll just go hang out until you guys are ready.
You're not going in that, are you?
Yeah, why, what's...
what's wrong with it?
(whispering, murmuring)
Hey, Whit, didn't you read the email?
We're all wearing baby blue tonight.
It's super important for the group photo.
We want people to see a sea of uninterrupted baby blue.
And with that, there'd be an interruption.
I'd hate to have to invoice you on Venmo again.
I'd get a fine
for not wearing the same color to a party?
Unfortunately, yeah, and plus a retouching fee for the photo.
- ALL: Mm-hmm. - Okay.
I guess I'll go change.
(all clamoring)
♪ La, da, da, dee, da, da, da, da ♪
♪ La, da, da, dee ♪
♪ Da, da, da, da ♪
♪ La, da, da, dee, da, la, da, da, da, dee, da ♪
♪ La, da, dee, da, da, da, da, da... ♪
This is amazing.
(chuckles) Oh, my God, I love this.
Yeah, the late '90s were lit.
Do you think the DJ has the theme song to Frasier?
Drinks. Now.
Yeah, I'll lead the way
because I'm wearing Heelys.
- Bela, no! - No!
Oh, shit. Oh, fuck.
Will one of you kindly push me towards the bar?
- Yeah. - Yes.
♪ Hey... ♪
- What's up? - Hey.
You guys look incredible. Especially you.
♪ We flyin' over the world, surveyin' the globe... ♪
(laughter, indistinct chatter)
♪ Man, you already know ♪
♪ Hey... ♪
- Well, this sucks. - BELA: Yeah. It's official,
I do not like beef between women.
Unless those women are rich New York or Atlanta housewives.
- I'm gonna go check on Whit? - Yeah.
Be back.
- You okay? - Yeah. I'm good.
- Let's get you a drink. - Yeah.
♪ After love, after love ♪
♪ After love, after love... ♪
Man, I am so glad
I'm not hanging around with those girls anymore.
They are tragically basic.
I mean, yeah, maybe, but some of them have depth, too.
Whitney, get over here.
I need you in front of me in this pic to hide my weird knee.
Duty calls.
(gasps) Alicia's here.
What?
- Oh, should I stay? - What? Obviously no.
Wait, um, how do I look?
Mm, you look great. Step to your left
and you'll be backlit as she approaches.
God, I've taught you so much. Thank you.
♪ You're gonna be the lonely one, oh ♪
♪ Do you believe in life after love? ♪
- Hey. - ALICIA: "Hey"?
That's what I get? We need to talk.
I called you three times. I even FaceTimed you,
and you know how dumb I think FaceTime is.
I am about to make one of the biggest decisions
of my life, and I-I wanted to talk it through with you,
but you weren't there.
I'm sorry, I just...
- I don't want you to leave. - Leigh, I have to.
And even though it really scares me,
I'm, like, excited about it.
And I just wish that you were excited for me, too.
How am I supposed to be excited when you're leaving?
Because it's what's best for me.
Look, I didn't come to college to learn
which beer gives me heartburn
and then be in debt for years.
I came here to figure out what I want
to do with my life, and I did.
Isn't that a good thing?
But then what...
what happens to us? Like...
do we just break up?
No, I don't want that, but I would understand if you did.
I love you, Leighton...
...and I'm moving to Boston.
But the only way that this relationship
is going to end
is if you end it.
I won't be doing that.
Really?
How about we just take it one day at a time?
Okay. I mean, that sounds perfect.
And I love you, too.
Aw.
Oh, my God, didn't I tell you to leave?
I didn't.
♪ ♪
♪ Ooh, happy creature... ♪
Want to go find a place to hang out?
Yeah, let's go hang out.
Cool.
I'm excited we finally get to do this.
Yeah, me, too.
(music playing in distance)
So, how's your mom?
My mom? Why would you bring up my mom right now?
- I don't know, that was weird, forget I said that. - (laughs): Yeah.
(moans)
Oh, tomorrow at Sips, we have to replace
the toilet wands in the bathroom.
Okay, what's happening?
I don't know. Does this feel weird?
Yeah. Yeah, a little bit. I'm trying
not to get in my head about it.
Right, it's just, I know you as Canaan,
my work friend who I really like and admire.
Like, I think you're amazing,
and your body is clearly a body that anyone
- would want to have sex with... - (both chuckle)
...but, I don't know, something just feels off.
Yeah, I don't know, I feel a little awkward.
When I touched your boob just now,
I really wanted to go like, "Honk, honk,"
and I'm not that guy, I-I don't make sound effects.
Yeah, and most importantly,
I just, I can't do this to Whitney.
I miss her.
I really, really miss her.
When I think about college, the first thing I think about
is her being my friend.
- I respect that. - (sighs)
(exhales)
I actually think sound effects are pretty cool.
Yes, I know this about you.
Like, when you took your shirt off,
I really wanted to go, "Awooga, awooga."
- (both laugh) - I bet you did.
♪ Don't leave me now ♪
♪ Baby, I know I messed it up... ♪
- We have to talk. - Do we?
- Whitney, please. - Uh-uh. No, no, no, no.
- Get out of here. Out. - I'm trying to talk
to my friend, you can't shoo me away like a cat.
Let me handle this.
Slut says "what"?
- I'm not gonna say "what." - Ah, you just did.
- That doesn't count. - Oh, so you're a stupid slut? - Okay, that's enough.
You are not slut-shaming my friend, you mean bitch.
- (all gasping) - Okay, okay, let's just calm down.
And you two, you are going in this closet
and you are not coming out until you make up.
- Get in. - No, I'm not going in
- a frat basement closet. - Get in.
- Is that a bull saddle?
- Hey. - Start talking. It's locked.
♪ ♪
What?
Don't try to hold my hand.
I'm not. I think that's a mannequin.
The fuck?
Whitney, I'm so sorry.
- And I ended things with Canaan. - It's not about Canaan.
It's about how you were one of my closest friends,
and not only did you swoop in on a guy
who you knew broke my heart
but then you lied to my face about it.
That really hurt me. I didn't deserve that.
You're right. I messed up.
I wasn't thinking about your feelings,
and that was wrong, but if you could forgive me,
I'll never hurt you like that again.
Whitney, you mean so much to me, and I really miss you.
I miss you, too.
And if it matters, we never hooked up.
I only touched him below the waist once,
and that was accidentally, when I was dusting
the pastry case at work and I grazed it.
- Not a detail I needed. - I just wanted to be as up-front
with you as possible.
Can we please be good now?
Yeah, we can be good.
Also, I really want to move back in with you guys.
The Kappas are a lot and, like, weirdly putting me into debt?
(gasps) I would love that. And we don't have a bed for you
or any space for one, but we can figure it out.
- Okay. - (laughs): Okay.
♪ All the world is gonna be... ♪
- ALL: Aw. - So good.
BELA: Before we leave,
did you get it all out?
Anything you need to say,
you say it now so we can all move on.
- I think we did. - Just let us out of this closet
'cause it's filled with too much weird stuff.
- (cheering, applause) - Good. Good.
Aw.
Bela, that was really impressive.
Maybe you'll be a good FAF after all.
♪ ♪
- (cheering) - DJ TRAPS: Okay, everybody,
it's almost Y2K!
(cheering, applause)
In ten, nine...
ALL: Eight, seven,
six, five,
four, three,
- two, one! - (cheering)
KIMBERLY: Wait, what? What happened?
BELA: Did it really Y2K?
(cheering, applause)
♪ ♪
- Drinks? - Yes! Now!
♪ ♪
- Leighton. - These bus trips
to the University of Vermont are not going to work for me.
I can't do it for the next week, let alone the next three years
of my life.
Hmm. Sorry to hear that.
That's it? Dude, this is
supposed to be one of the best schools in the country.
I get it. Uh, Essex is a great school,
but it's not where you go for math.
If that's what you're looking for,
I could reach out
to a colleague at MIT
about their transfer cutoff.
Like, like, "MIT" MIT?
Isn't... isn't that in Boston?
("Glow" by Digitalism playing)
♪ It's been so long ♪
♪ So long, so long ♪
♪ Everything is over ♪
♪ It's been so long ♪
♪ So long, so long ♪
♪ Don't stop dancing, move on ♪
♪ It's been so long ♪
♪ So long, so long ♪
♪ Everything is over ♪
♪ It's been so long ♪
♪ So long ♪
♪ Don't stop dancing, move on ♪
♪ It's been so long ♪
♪ So long, so long ♪
♪ Don't stop dancing, don't stop dancing ♪
♪ It's been so long ♪
♪ So long, so long ♪
♪ Don't stop dancing, move on ♪
♪ It's been so long ♪
♪ So long, so long. ♪
MAN: Go to bed.