1 00:00:04,588 --> 00:00:06,465 (woman breathing heavily) 2 00:00:06,549 --> 00:00:07,675 I wanna fuck you so bad. 3 00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:09,301 {\an8}Me too. 4 00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:10,928 {\an8}You make me so hard. 5 00:00:11,721 --> 00:00:13,514 {\an8} Excuse me! Excuse me. 6 00:00:14,265 --> 00:00:17,935 Can you stop? We're dropping our daughter off at school. 7 00:00:19,895 --> 00:00:21,772 -I can see your erection. -Mom! 8 00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:29,530 Essex College. 9 00:00:29,697 --> 00:00:33,284 Did you have to pick a school that was 3000 miles away from me? 10 00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:35,369 It's almost like I did that on purpose. 11 00:00:35,745 --> 00:00:38,330 I mean, Vermont? Why is it even a state? 12 00:00:38,414 --> 00:00:40,291 Bunch of potheads making maple syrup. 13 00:00:41,083 --> 00:00:43,294 I don't know, I'm just happy that you made the time 14 00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:44,462 to drop me off at school. 15 00:00:44,754 --> 00:00:45,838 (cell phone vibrating) 16 00:00:45,921 --> 00:00:47,173 Okay. Go on, honey. 17 00:00:47,965 --> 00:00:49,633 It's just nice to spend time with you. 18 00:00:49,925 --> 00:00:51,427 -(cell phone vibrating) -Goddamit. 19 00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:56,140 Look, Jackie, I am dropping my daughter off at college today. 20 00:00:56,515 --> 00:00:58,100 That is the only thing that matters. 21 00:01:00,102 --> 00:01:03,063 Oh, CNN? Okay. Yes, put them through. 22 00:01:03,314 --> 00:01:04,273 I'm sorry. 23 00:01:06,275 --> 00:01:08,486 Jake Tapper, how you doing, sweetheart? 24 00:01:08,652 --> 00:01:10,446 What am I commenting on today? 25 00:01:13,491 --> 00:01:17,119 Look, beta, I brought a surprise for you, to remind you of home. 26 00:01:17,661 --> 00:01:19,205 It's Mr. Busby! 27 00:01:19,455 --> 00:01:20,539 Mom, are you serious? 28 00:01:20,915 --> 00:01:23,292 What? You love Mr. Busby. 29 00:01:23,375 --> 00:01:25,628 Mom, I'm not bringing my teddy bear to college with me. 30 00:01:25,753 --> 00:01:27,963 I'm eighteen years old. I'm in the middle of my reinvention. 31 00:01:28,047 --> 00:01:29,924 Not with the reinvention again. 32 00:01:30,007 --> 00:01:32,843 Dad, remember when Ben Affleck got that giant back tattoo 33 00:01:32,927 --> 00:01:34,720 of a phoenix rising up from the ashes? 34 00:01:34,804 --> 00:01:36,514 Is he in Manchester by the Sea? 35 00:01:36,889 --> 00:01:38,182 Very sad film. 36 00:01:38,265 --> 00:01:39,642 That's the other Affleck. 37 00:01:39,934 --> 00:01:41,894 Look, that phoenix made total sense to me. 38 00:01:41,977 --> 00:01:43,771 Ben needed a change, needed to... 39 00:01:43,854 --> 00:01:46,649 transform his life with a permanent physical metamorphosis, 40 00:01:47,024 --> 00:01:48,067 and so did I. 41 00:01:48,150 --> 00:01:51,153 Four months ago, I was an Indian loser with cystic acne, 42 00:01:51,237 --> 00:01:52,655 sweaty armpits, and glasses. 43 00:01:52,905 --> 00:01:55,616 But with one Lasik procedure, an Accutane prescription, 44 00:01:55,699 --> 00:01:58,118 and medical grade botox injected into my armpits, 45 00:01:58,536 --> 00:01:59,662 I'm normal. 46 00:02:00,079 --> 00:02:01,580 So, should I throw Mr. Busby away? 47 00:02:01,664 --> 00:02:02,832 No, mom, don't be stupid. 48 00:02:02,915 --> 00:02:05,084 Just take him home put him on a shelf in my bedroom. 49 00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:11,841 -Hey there, kiddo. -Hey, dad. 50 00:02:12,174 --> 00:02:13,717 Before we go inside, I just wanna say... 51 00:02:14,552 --> 00:02:15,970 how... proud... 52 00:02:16,053 --> 00:02:17,096 Dad, don't cry, please. 53 00:02:17,179 --> 00:02:19,723 -You're the first Finkle to go to college. -Dad, I need you not to cry right now. 54 00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:21,725 And I'm so proud. You're such a special girl. 55 00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:22,977 -I haven't told you enough. -Honey, honey. 56 00:02:23,060 --> 00:02:25,729 Why don't you go inside and just get yourself together. 57 00:02:25,980 --> 00:02:26,939 Go sit in the car. 58 00:02:27,314 --> 00:02:29,233 (hip-hop music playing) 59 00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:32,862 (music stops) 60 00:02:36,073 --> 00:02:38,325 Honey, you gotta promise me you're going to be careful 61 00:02:38,409 --> 00:02:42,371 because you're going to meet all kinds of new people. 62 00:02:42,454 --> 00:02:44,039 Are you saying that because they're Middle Eastern? 63 00:02:44,123 --> 00:02:45,124 That's so offensive. 64 00:02:45,207 --> 00:02:48,419 I came here because it's diverse. We're from the whitest town in the world. 65 00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:49,753 Dad won't even eat tacos. 66 00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:52,089 Did someone say tacos? I can't handle that today. 67 00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:53,924 My stomach is already a mess. 68 00:02:54,049 --> 00:02:56,051 No, honey, no ethnic food, I promise. 69 00:02:56,468 --> 00:02:58,762 No, I meant rich people. 70 00:02:58,846 --> 00:03:00,055 They can be a bad influence. 71 00:03:00,139 --> 00:03:03,017 Do you remember that Caleb Vickers boy who was two grades above you? 72 00:03:03,100 --> 00:03:06,270 He got into Penn, met some rich friends, got addicted to cocaine, 73 00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:07,563 and got arrested. 74 00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:10,941 For selling his body. 75 00:03:11,025 --> 00:03:13,569 -Mom! -I don't want that future for you. 76 00:03:13,652 --> 00:03:16,113 Yeah, Mom, I don't wanna become a prostitute, either. 77 00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:23,871 There's something about New England, isn't there? Maybe it's the trees, 78 00:03:23,954 --> 00:03:26,457 or the rivers, the air. I just feel so alive here. 79 00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:28,375 Dad, you're obsessed with New England. 80 00:03:28,459 --> 00:03:30,711 I mean, it's like you wanna have sex with New England. 81 00:03:31,086 --> 00:03:32,379 That's not possible. 82 00:03:33,130 --> 00:03:35,507 {\an8}Dad, Esme and Francesca haven't texted me back yet. 83 00:03:35,591 --> 00:03:37,801 They probably have a ton of new inside jokes by now. 84 00:03:38,594 --> 00:03:40,721 You know, honey, are you sure it's the best idea 85 00:03:40,804 --> 00:03:43,390 to be roommates in college with your friends from high school? 86 00:03:43,515 --> 00:03:44,642 Shouldn't you branch out? 87 00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:47,603 Dad, Esme and Francesca are my soulmates. Okay? 88 00:03:47,686 --> 00:03:50,230 They are literally the best people I have ever known. 89 00:03:50,314 --> 00:03:52,441 Okay. But what about that time that Francesca 90 00:03:52,524 --> 00:03:54,318 totally abandoned you in Cape Cod? 91 00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:57,488 She was having a really tough time, okay? Her dad just got audited. 92 00:03:57,571 --> 00:04:00,783 Honey, I think what I'm trying to say is I don't think Esme and Francesca 93 00:04:00,866 --> 00:04:04,870 are the best influences on you, you know? They're, they're kinda assholes. 94 00:04:05,621 --> 00:04:08,374 Dad, can you please not call my friends assholes? 95 00:04:08,457 --> 00:04:09,792 All right? And it doesn't even make a difference. 96 00:04:09,875 --> 00:04:11,627 We're already living together. 97 00:04:12,294 --> 00:04:13,879 Well, if that's what makes you happy. 98 00:04:14,338 --> 00:04:16,131 I mean, I guess what's really important is that... 99 00:04:17,091 --> 00:04:19,426 my baby girl is going to my alma mater. 100 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,595 I'm telling you, after the next four years, 101 00:04:21,971 --> 00:04:24,473 you're probably gonna wanna have sex with New England, too. 102 00:04:26,517 --> 00:04:28,727 Dale, I hope you're using your legs to push that. 103 00:04:28,811 --> 00:04:30,521 I can't tell what using, Carol. 104 00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:32,147 (singing) Ready for you 105 00:04:32,898 --> 00:04:34,608 Can we can just push your buttons 106 00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:43,367 Earth to Kimberly! 107 00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:46,120 Your father's sciatica is gonna act up at any minute now. Here, help him out. 108 00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:47,079 I got it, Carol. 109 00:04:47,162 --> 00:04:48,956 You know what, I'll do it. I'll do it. 110 00:04:49,665 --> 00:04:52,001 Mom, could you change your jeans before anyone gets here? 111 00:04:52,501 --> 00:04:53,419 Hey. 112 00:04:53,711 --> 00:04:55,129 Hey, you must be Kimberly. 113 00:04:55,212 --> 00:04:57,548 Oh my gosh! I'm so excited. 114 00:04:57,631 --> 00:05:00,718 We're your roommates. I'm Bela, that's Whitney, that's Leighton. 115 00:05:01,927 --> 00:05:03,679 Just kidding, they're my Indian parents. 116 00:05:04,555 --> 00:05:05,597 It's nice to meet you. 117 00:05:05,681 --> 00:05:07,016 It's nice to meet you, too. 118 00:05:07,182 --> 00:05:09,727 These are my parents, Carol and Dale. 119 00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:11,061 -Hello. -Great to meet you. 120 00:05:12,730 --> 00:05:13,772 We're Irish. 121 00:05:14,064 --> 00:05:16,233 Yeah. There's an Indian restaurant in our town. 122 00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:17,860 Never been. 123 00:05:19,695 --> 00:05:21,363 I love your Seth Meyers poster. 124 00:05:21,739 --> 00:05:23,615 You can... really see his face. 125 00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:24,992 Thanks. 126 00:05:25,075 --> 00:05:27,036 Yeah, he's sort of my dream guy. 127 00:05:27,202 --> 00:05:30,330 A double threat, writer and performer on SNL, just like I want to be. 128 00:05:30,414 --> 00:05:32,875 It's like I want to have sex with him, 129 00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:35,085 but I also wanna be him. 130 00:05:36,587 --> 00:05:38,047 Hey, did you Google the other girls? 131 00:05:38,130 --> 00:05:41,300 I obviously did. Can you believe we're living with Whitney Chase? 132 00:05:41,383 --> 00:05:44,511 I know, it is so cool that we're living with the Senator's daughter. 133 00:05:44,595 --> 00:05:47,264 I bought a copy of the constitution for her mom to sign. 134 00:05:47,556 --> 00:05:49,183 Wouldn't it be nuts if like two years from now, 135 00:05:49,266 --> 00:05:52,269 we were all still rooming together but she was, like, President or something? 136 00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:53,729 Oh, she's popular, sure. 137 00:05:53,812 --> 00:05:56,315 I just don't think she's respected enough to be President. 138 00:05:56,398 --> 00:05:57,399 Interesting. 139 00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:00,027 I'd like to give a quick rebuttal to that. 140 00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:03,572 Senator Evette Chase from the great State of Washington. 141 00:06:03,655 --> 00:06:05,991 It is so lovely to meet all of you! 142 00:06:06,075 --> 00:06:07,076 Hey, I'm Whitney. 143 00:06:07,951 --> 00:06:11,497 Of course. There you are. My daughter. 144 00:06:12,331 --> 00:06:14,750 It's very exciting to meet you, your honor. 145 00:06:15,084 --> 00:06:16,043 You don't have to bow. 146 00:06:16,126 --> 00:06:19,254 Can I take a photo with you to put on the wall of one of my restaurants? 147 00:06:19,338 --> 00:06:20,297 Maybe later. 148 00:06:20,506 --> 00:06:21,965 Earl, can you close the door? 149 00:06:22,049 --> 00:06:24,802 I have a few things I wanna say, in private. 150 00:06:28,222 --> 00:06:29,723 (Henry) North Con Hall. 151 00:06:29,807 --> 00:06:31,642 Bunch of great memories here. 152 00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:35,187 One time I drank so many White Russians, I threw up out of that window right there! 153 00:06:35,312 --> 00:06:36,396 Ew, Dad. 154 00:06:36,688 --> 00:06:37,981 You're gonna love it here. 155 00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:39,858 Yeah. 156 00:06:40,359 --> 00:06:41,401 I already do. 157 00:06:42,820 --> 00:06:45,989 It goes without saying. I am a very public figure. 158 00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:48,158 Well, we get it. We know all about your divorce. 159 00:06:48,242 --> 00:06:50,619 Your ex sounded like a real deadbeat. 160 00:06:50,702 --> 00:06:51,912 Thank you. He was. 161 00:06:52,121 --> 00:06:53,205 That's my dad. 162 00:06:53,288 --> 00:06:54,373 Here's what I don't need. 163 00:06:54,456 --> 00:06:56,708 I don't need to get woken up in the middle of the night 164 00:06:56,792 --> 00:06:58,919 by some frantic phone call telling me Whitney 165 00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:01,380 is getting high on opioids with the roommates 166 00:07:01,463 --> 00:07:03,882 and streaking across the quad with their junk hanging out. 167 00:07:04,049 --> 00:07:06,802 -Mom. -Our Kimmy has never touched drugs 168 00:07:06,885 --> 00:07:09,388 or alcohol. She doesn't go out much. 169 00:07:10,055 --> 00:07:11,056 I believe it. 170 00:07:11,390 --> 00:07:13,392 And you don't have to worry about me, Senator Chase. 171 00:07:13,475 --> 00:07:15,978 I'm a committed student eager to study the sciences. 172 00:07:16,270 --> 00:07:17,938 Okay, that felt forced. 173 00:07:18,397 --> 00:07:22,151 Look, I care about you girls. Just don't embarrass me. 174 00:07:22,484 --> 00:07:23,861 Because then you're dead to me. 175 00:07:24,570 --> 00:07:26,488 And if you could not tweet for the next four years? 176 00:07:26,572 --> 00:07:27,447 That would be great. 177 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:35,497 Oh, my gosh. You must be Leighton. We're so happy to meet you. 178 00:07:35,664 --> 00:07:36,999 I'm sorry, who the fuck are you? 179 00:07:37,082 --> 00:07:38,083 Leighton. 180 00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:39,251 What? 181 00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:41,170 Where are Francesca and Esme? 182 00:07:41,545 --> 00:07:42,504 Who are they? 183 00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:44,840 My best friends and my roommates. 184 00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:47,426 Dude, I think we're your roommates. 185 00:07:50,387 --> 00:07:51,263 No. 186 00:07:52,222 --> 00:07:53,390 No, no, no, no. 187 00:07:56,268 --> 00:07:57,728 Very nice to meet you all. 188 00:07:59,062 --> 00:08:00,355 Have a great time in college. 189 00:08:07,905 --> 00:08:09,239 -Hey, Leight. -Hi! 190 00:08:09,907 --> 00:08:11,074 What the fuck is going on? 191 00:08:12,117 --> 00:08:13,952 This is our roommate, Siddhartha. 192 00:08:15,913 --> 00:08:18,707 We just showed up and they assigned us with that random girl. 193 00:08:18,790 --> 00:08:20,334 Trust me, we're just as upset as you are. 194 00:08:20,417 --> 00:08:21,793 Okay, but how did this happen? 195 00:08:21,877 --> 00:08:23,337 I mean, we filled out the rooming questionnaire 196 00:08:23,420 --> 00:08:24,546 the exact same way. 197 00:08:24,630 --> 00:08:25,672 I know. 198 00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:28,508 Is it possible that maybe you messed up your answers? 199 00:08:28,717 --> 00:08:30,928 I mean, writing wasn't your strong suit at Spence. 200 00:08:31,553 --> 00:08:32,554 Excuse me? 201 00:08:32,721 --> 00:08:35,557 She's a great writer, okay? She wrote her nana's eulogy. 202 00:08:35,641 --> 00:08:37,017 Not a dry eye in the house. 203 00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:38,060 Dad. 204 00:08:38,477 --> 00:08:39,895 See? Assholes. 205 00:08:40,395 --> 00:08:41,271 Not you. 206 00:08:41,355 --> 00:08:43,607 Look, I don't know how this all got so fucked up, 207 00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:45,901 but I'm gonna fix this somehow, all right? 208 00:08:45,984 --> 00:08:47,069 Please. 209 00:08:52,407 --> 00:08:53,992 -Love you baby. -Be good, beta. 210 00:08:54,201 --> 00:08:55,744 Don't follow me on social. 211 00:08:56,620 --> 00:08:58,330 -I love you. -I love you, too. 212 00:09:00,165 --> 00:09:02,000 All right, girls. Take care of each other. 213 00:09:02,584 --> 00:09:04,461 And remember, no single use plastic. 214 00:09:05,629 --> 00:09:06,880 Hey, are you good? 215 00:09:06,964 --> 00:09:09,549 Your dad was shaking pretty hard when he said goodbye. 216 00:09:09,633 --> 00:09:10,842 Oh. He's fine. 217 00:09:10,926 --> 00:09:12,719 I'm sure he's finished crying by now, anyway. 218 00:09:12,803 --> 00:09:14,221 Love you, peanut! 219 00:09:20,978 --> 00:09:21,895 Welcome. 220 00:09:22,271 --> 00:09:23,355 Take a comfy seat. 221 00:09:23,814 --> 00:09:25,941 Does this mean you are our roommate? 222 00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:29,278 No. But there's been a clerical error that I need to address tomorrow, 223 00:09:29,361 --> 00:09:31,071 so I'll need to stay for one night. 224 00:09:31,154 --> 00:09:33,532 Well, we already picked rooms, so you're with Bela. 225 00:09:34,491 --> 00:09:36,618 Even though it's one night, we should probably sidebar 226 00:09:36,702 --> 00:09:38,954 about a system in case either of us brings a dude home. 227 00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:42,040 Okay everyone. My name is Frude Rasmunssen 228 00:09:42,124 --> 00:09:45,460 and I will be your freshman advisor and friend, 229 00:09:45,669 --> 00:09:47,087 AKA your FAF. 230 00:09:47,671 --> 00:09:49,047 Welcome to Essex! 231 00:09:52,467 --> 00:09:54,511 We'll start with some ice breakers. 232 00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:58,265 Let's go around and share a time when we felt scared. 233 00:09:58,473 --> 00:09:59,474 I'll start. 234 00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:04,313 Avalanche during a family reunion, I lost several relatives 235 00:10:04,396 --> 00:10:07,107 and was myself entombed for many days. 236 00:10:07,899 --> 00:10:08,859 Next? 237 00:10:09,359 --> 00:10:10,569 I'm scared of my stalker. 238 00:10:11,153 --> 00:10:13,155 I'm kind of a big deal on TikTok. 239 00:10:13,447 --> 00:10:15,282 Malia Obama follows me. 240 00:10:15,490 --> 00:10:18,201 Holy, shit! She has 200,000 followers! 241 00:10:18,285 --> 00:10:19,911 Oh, my God. You do song parodies? 242 00:10:20,912 --> 00:10:24,207 (singing) Don't go chasing' extra smalls 243 00:10:24,458 --> 00:10:29,004 That was for a body positivity campaign for Kind bars, which are delicious. 244 00:10:29,087 --> 00:10:30,672 -So cool. -Who else? 245 00:10:31,214 --> 00:10:35,052 I am a little nervous about my work study interview tomorrow. 246 00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:36,178 Wait. You have a job? 247 00:10:36,470 --> 00:10:37,929 Well, I applied for one. 248 00:10:38,013 --> 00:10:39,598 Yes, great, Kimberly. 249 00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:43,727 And don't worry. Many students at Essex have student jobs. 250 00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:44,853 Who else has one? 251 00:10:46,104 --> 00:10:47,272 Anyone? 252 00:10:48,857 --> 00:10:52,069 -I guess perhaps it is just you here. -Cool. 253 00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:55,614 Look, Frude I'm sure you're good at this, but sharing our fears-- 254 00:10:55,697 --> 00:10:56,948 I'm scared because I'm gay. 255 00:10:57,407 --> 00:10:58,909 I was in the closet all through high school, 256 00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:01,620 and I don't wanna do that again, so I promised myself I would tell everyone 257 00:11:01,703 --> 00:11:02,871 the minute I got here. 258 00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:05,165 Guys... I'm gay. 259 00:11:06,291 --> 00:11:07,626 Okay. Yeah. 260 00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:10,462 I'm gay too. 261 00:11:10,545 --> 00:11:11,922 I've been out since I was 12. 262 00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:14,174 It wasn't easy in Oklahoma, but... 263 00:11:14,508 --> 00:11:15,509 I had to be me. 264 00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:18,345 He's so handsome. 265 00:11:19,763 --> 00:11:24,184 This is great. We are learning so much about our new gay friends. 266 00:11:26,812 --> 00:11:29,356 So why did you pick Essex? 267 00:11:29,773 --> 00:11:30,941 I'm here for The Catullan. 268 00:11:31,108 --> 00:11:32,609 The college comedy magazine? 269 00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:34,528 It's a big deal in the comedy world. 270 00:11:34,611 --> 00:11:36,738 A ton of writers on SNL got their start on The Catullan. 271 00:11:36,822 --> 00:11:37,781 Cool. 272 00:11:37,864 --> 00:11:39,408 I came because it's prestigious. 273 00:11:39,491 --> 00:11:41,076 I am gonna graduate summa, 274 00:11:41,159 --> 00:11:43,370 and then I'm gonna go to a tier one law school, 275 00:11:43,453 --> 00:11:45,956 and then Max and I are gonna move to DC where we're gonna become 276 00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:48,208 a power couple like Kamala and Doug. 277 00:11:48,291 --> 00:11:49,668 Are any of you in relationships? 278 00:11:50,752 --> 00:11:51,962 No, thank you. 279 00:11:52,254 --> 00:11:55,507 I didn't come to college to be tethered to some dude I dated in high school. 280 00:11:55,590 --> 00:11:57,426 Also, I never really dated anyone in high school. 281 00:11:57,509 --> 00:11:59,761 But I'm here. I'm super sex positive. 282 00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:03,557 In theory, more than in experience, and I am ready to smash some D's. 283 00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,810 Max and I are waiting. Not for any weird reason. 284 00:12:06,893 --> 00:12:08,019 He's just not ready. 285 00:12:08,437 --> 00:12:10,355 -He's not ready? -Oh, my God. 286 00:12:10,439 --> 00:12:11,731 What? What's wrong with that? 287 00:12:11,815 --> 00:12:13,733 Boys are born ready. So, something's up. 288 00:12:13,817 --> 00:12:17,863 Yeah, is he like "waiting" but also like, really up-to-date on Drag Race? 289 00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:21,032 No, it's nothing like that. It's going to be worth the wait. 290 00:12:21,116 --> 00:12:22,826 People tell him he looks like Shawn Mendes. 291 00:12:22,909 --> 00:12:24,411 Ooh! 292 00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:27,164 Hey, have you all seen that video of Shawn Mendes taking a shower? 293 00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:28,707 It is very good. 294 00:12:28,790 --> 00:12:31,877 (singing) Got, got, got got got the love in my 295 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:33,712 Got, got, got got 296 00:12:35,547 --> 00:12:38,175 Got, got, got got, got the love in my 297 00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:41,303 Got, got, got got, got the love in my 298 00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:44,473 Got, got, got got, got the love in my 299 00:12:44,556 --> 00:12:47,726 Got, got, got got, got the love in my 300 00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:52,898 She's good. 301 00:12:53,356 --> 00:12:56,568 All right, ladies. Hustle! Now is when you need to be impressing me! 302 00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:00,780 (singing) Got the love in my 303 00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:07,871 Got the love in my 304 00:13:08,079 --> 00:13:11,208 I see you smiling, feeling all proud of yourself. 305 00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:13,001 Me? No, I wasn't. 306 00:13:13,084 --> 00:13:15,086 You should smile. You're fast, rookie. 307 00:13:15,378 --> 00:13:16,796 Just don't get too cocky. 308 00:13:18,381 --> 00:13:19,799 I really like your sticker. 309 00:13:20,550 --> 00:13:22,093 Thanks. I don't know what it means, 310 00:13:22,177 --> 00:13:23,762 but I saw it at a gas station and was like, 311 00:13:23,887 --> 00:13:25,430 "That would be cool in my locker!" 312 00:13:26,389 --> 00:13:29,100 Well, I think it's meant for people who identify as... 313 00:13:29,184 --> 00:13:31,186 I'm just playing, I'm super gay. 314 00:13:31,269 --> 00:13:34,105 Like I'm the LeBron James of being attracted to women. 315 00:13:35,941 --> 00:13:38,026 -I'm Willow. -Whitney. 316 00:13:38,568 --> 00:13:40,820 If I have a silver spoon like that, I'd run really fast, too. 317 00:13:41,112 --> 00:13:42,948 She thinks she's hot shit. 318 00:13:43,114 --> 00:13:46,284 The only reason she gets playing time as a freshman is because of who her mom is. 319 00:13:46,368 --> 00:13:49,204 -Oh, my God, Jena. You're so mad-- -I know that I'm a better forward... 320 00:13:49,996 --> 00:13:52,582 -You good? -Yeah, yeah, I'm good. 321 00:13:52,874 --> 00:13:53,959 Cool. 322 00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:56,962 -Coach? -Yeah. 323 00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,507 Hey, can I talk to you about something? 324 00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:01,883 Of course. What's up? 325 00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:04,844 It's kind of serious. 326 00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:07,973 I just... I'm finding it really difficult to concentrate during practice 327 00:14:08,056 --> 00:14:11,101 because... I want to fuck you so bad. 328 00:14:11,268 --> 00:14:12,394 Wait. What the hell? 329 00:14:12,477 --> 00:14:14,020 I'm so sorry, I had to. 330 00:14:14,104 --> 00:14:15,146 There are people still here! 331 00:14:15,230 --> 00:14:17,065 Everyone's gone except, like, one janitor. 332 00:14:17,148 --> 00:14:20,485 Hold on, is it Joe or Alejandro? Because Alejandro notices everything. 333 00:14:20,569 --> 00:14:22,279 Chill. No one saw. 334 00:14:22,654 --> 00:14:24,698 And no one will see this. 335 00:14:28,493 --> 00:14:29,619 We still on for tonight? 336 00:14:29,703 --> 00:14:31,997 Yeah. Now, get out of here. 337 00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:32,956 Okay. 338 00:14:34,541 --> 00:14:37,043 -Oh my God. Really? I got the job? -Yeah. 339 00:14:37,711 --> 00:14:38,712 -Cool. -So... 340 00:14:38,795 --> 00:14:42,090 All employees of at Sips need to submit their timesheets online 341 00:14:42,173 --> 00:14:44,509 through the Financial Aid Work Study portal. 342 00:14:44,593 --> 00:14:45,510 Okay. 343 00:14:45,594 --> 00:14:48,096 Portal. What are we, on Star Trek? 344 00:14:50,056 --> 00:14:51,891 It's funny, right? You like funny things? 345 00:14:52,601 --> 00:14:53,560 Yeah. 346 00:14:53,643 --> 00:14:56,271 I know. We both can say, what we think is funny on the count of three. 347 00:14:56,688 --> 00:14:59,774 Yeah, we'll do it together. One, two, three. 348 00:14:59,858 --> 00:15:01,151 -Memes. -Avenue Q. 349 00:15:01,359 --> 00:15:03,069 -Memes! That's good too, yeah. -Yeah. 350 00:15:03,278 --> 00:15:06,823 Wow. I think we're gonna get along. You have a good personality. 351 00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:07,949 Well, thank you. 352 00:15:08,033 --> 00:15:09,659 Can I tell you something? Between us. 353 00:15:09,826 --> 00:15:12,495 I have some issues with the other work study kids that I manage. 354 00:15:12,787 --> 00:15:14,831 They just have got a lot of attitude. 355 00:15:14,998 --> 00:15:17,292 Well, I really need this job to pay for school. 356 00:15:17,375 --> 00:15:19,544 So the only kind of attitude I have is can do. 357 00:15:20,754 --> 00:15:22,005 That's great. Very clever. 358 00:15:22,714 --> 00:15:24,382 Okay, everybody. Huddle up. 359 00:15:24,466 --> 00:15:27,260 Before we open, I'd like you to meet our new trainee. 360 00:15:27,344 --> 00:15:31,556 This is Kimberly, and she loves memes. (chuckles) 361 00:15:31,973 --> 00:15:34,392 In addition to other hobbies and interests, 362 00:15:34,476 --> 00:15:38,104 you know, which I can't think of right now, but I have them. 363 00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:39,773 -Canaan. -Lila. 364 00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:43,234 Cool. I'm really excited to be working at Sips of you guys. 365 00:15:43,318 --> 00:15:45,737 I'm sure we'll have a latte fun. 366 00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:50,784 That's what I'm saying, you are a wonderful little lady. 367 00:15:50,867 --> 00:15:51,951 Okay. 368 00:15:52,035 --> 00:15:53,244 -Is that the menu? -It is. 369 00:15:53,328 --> 00:15:56,247 You know what could be so cute? Is if we did a little chalk drawing 370 00:15:56,331 --> 00:15:57,374 that changed every day. 371 00:15:57,457 --> 00:15:59,876 Like, today we could do leaves. 372 00:16:00,043 --> 00:16:01,294 because it's September. 373 00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:03,296 I love it. Yes. 374 00:16:03,755 --> 00:16:05,340 Lila, you're always doodling, 375 00:16:05,423 --> 00:16:07,967 I want you to come in a few minutes early and decorate the board. 376 00:16:08,176 --> 00:16:09,552 Why me? She suggested it. 377 00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:12,681 Well, you're artsy, you know. So just have fun with it and draw some goddamn leaves. 378 00:16:17,018 --> 00:16:19,312 So what did you say your last name was again? 379 00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:22,065 Murray. As in, Murray Library. 380 00:16:22,774 --> 00:16:23,983 The library next door. 381 00:16:24,693 --> 00:16:26,611 Yeah, I slipped and fell there last winter. 382 00:16:27,112 --> 00:16:28,113 Broke my tailbone. 383 00:16:28,697 --> 00:16:31,741 I'm very sorry to hear that, but can we please focus on my problem? 384 00:16:31,825 --> 00:16:35,745 It's extremely distressing to be separated from one's best friends. 385 00:16:35,829 --> 00:16:36,788 Okay. 386 00:16:36,871 --> 00:16:39,708 Looks like you submitted a personal habits survey 387 00:16:39,791 --> 00:16:42,919 with Esme Schaefer and Francesca Bromley 388 00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:45,714 and got a 99% match up with both of them. 389 00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:46,923 Exactly. 390 00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:49,551 But then there was some glitch in the system or something, 391 00:16:49,634 --> 00:16:52,345 and they got assigned with some random girl with weird clothes. 392 00:16:52,429 --> 00:16:53,596 Bless her heart. 393 00:16:53,805 --> 00:16:57,642 Well, in addition to the survey, they also wrote specific directions 394 00:16:57,726 --> 00:16:59,060 in who they wanted in a roommate. 395 00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:02,397 Specific how? Let me see. 396 00:17:04,149 --> 00:17:06,276 Do not room us with Leighton Murray. 397 00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:07,402 Why? 398 00:17:07,485 --> 00:17:08,737 Why the hell would they write that? 399 00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:11,740 I know. You seem like such a joy. 400 00:17:13,408 --> 00:17:16,202 Welcome to The Catullan prospective writers meeting. 401 00:17:16,578 --> 00:17:18,788 We're the co-editors. I'm Ryan, this is Eric. 402 00:17:19,247 --> 00:17:20,832 I want to start by saying thank you. 403 00:17:20,915 --> 00:17:22,208 It's really great to see such a big turnout. 404 00:17:22,792 --> 00:17:24,878 That being said, know this going in, 405 00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:27,881 The Catullan is the most selective extracurricular on campus 406 00:17:28,173 --> 00:17:29,340 What about a cappella? 407 00:17:29,424 --> 00:17:30,800 Hey, fuck a cappella! 408 00:17:30,967 --> 00:17:33,011 Sir, what Eric's saying is technically correct, 409 00:17:33,261 --> 00:17:34,804 but I think we're getting ahead of things here. 410 00:17:34,888 --> 00:17:36,931 Writing for a comedy magazine is fun, 411 00:17:37,015 --> 00:17:39,142 and we look forward to reading your writing samples. 412 00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:42,479 Three pieces, 600 words, no puns. I'm serious. 413 00:17:42,896 --> 00:17:44,981 But, rather than me telling you why you should submit, 414 00:17:45,190 --> 00:17:47,233 let's see what some of our recent alums have to say. 415 00:17:49,819 --> 00:17:51,029 I'm Oliver Ronnie. 416 00:17:51,112 --> 00:17:54,908 I wrote for The Catullan last year, and now I'm a writer's assistant 417 00:17:54,991 --> 00:17:58,369 on a new animated show about a suburban white family. 418 00:17:58,453 --> 00:17:59,621 Holy shit! 419 00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:04,083 -Twenty dollars. -Twenty dollars if I make this. 420 00:18:04,167 --> 00:18:05,335 Straight to you, cash out. 421 00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:06,628 -Okay, ready? -Go ahead. 422 00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:10,089 -Did you see that? -Oh! Okay. I'll give it to you. 423 00:18:14,177 --> 00:18:15,303 Hey, Canaan. 424 00:18:15,386 --> 00:18:16,262 Hey. 425 00:18:16,888 --> 00:18:18,014 Do you like Jay-Z? 426 00:18:18,723 --> 00:18:20,058 Yeah, I guess. 427 00:18:20,725 --> 00:18:22,977 Yeah. I mean, I think his music is so dope, 428 00:18:23,311 --> 00:18:26,189 and some would say he's more than a musician. He's like a prophet, too. 429 00:18:27,273 --> 00:18:28,149 Okay. 430 00:18:28,233 --> 00:18:31,027 Look, I just have to say I come from a small town in Arizona, 431 00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:33,530 and it's really exciting for me to have a Black friend. 432 00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,950 -Oh. -Or is it African American? 433 00:18:37,033 --> 00:18:38,910 I don't know. 'Cause there are two schools of thought on that. 434 00:18:38,993 --> 00:18:41,287 -What do you think? -No, Black is fine. 435 00:18:41,371 --> 00:18:43,581 Okay, so Black? 436 00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:45,375 Cool. 437 00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:47,794 And what's it like being Black at Essex? 438 00:18:50,213 --> 00:18:52,382 You know, it's hard. 439 00:18:52,882 --> 00:18:55,051 Yeah. Yeah, not a lot of people here get me. 440 00:18:55,593 --> 00:18:58,805 And how could they? I mean, we've led such different lives. 441 00:18:59,180 --> 00:19:01,307 You know, I've never touched cashmere before. 442 00:19:02,058 --> 00:19:07,438 I don't really tell a lot of people this, but my mom is addicted to crack. 443 00:19:08,106 --> 00:19:09,440 You know, that's my story. 444 00:19:10,066 --> 00:19:12,777 And now I have to work three on-campus jobs 445 00:19:12,861 --> 00:19:15,738 just so I could send money back to her and my baby sister. 446 00:19:16,865 --> 00:19:19,492 And I just have to hope she doesn't spend it on crack. 447 00:19:20,577 --> 00:19:24,831 Oh, my God. That is just so much for you to be dealing with. 448 00:19:24,914 --> 00:19:27,417 Yeah, yeah, but you know what, 449 00:19:28,042 --> 00:19:31,337 it is nothing compared to what Lila has been through. 450 00:19:32,005 --> 00:19:32,881 I mean, 451 00:19:33,590 --> 00:19:36,885 that poor girl has it so much worse than me. 452 00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:39,971 What's Lila's story? 453 00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:43,308 God, damn it! 454 00:19:43,975 --> 00:19:45,435 What the actual fuck! 455 00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:47,020 Okay, Do you guys have any idea 456 00:19:47,103 --> 00:19:50,607 how humiliating it is to be friend-dumped in front of a clerical worker? 457 00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:52,567 Believe me Leight, we didn't want it to be this way. 458 00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:55,695 Well, we did want it to be this way, but it hurts to see you so upset. 459 00:19:56,738 --> 00:19:58,615 I don't understand. I thought we were friends. 460 00:20:00,783 --> 00:20:02,785 Uh, what's with this fucking pause? 461 00:20:02,869 --> 00:20:03,912 Were we not friends? 462 00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:07,916 I mean, we hung out, obviously, but the truth is... 463 00:20:08,583 --> 00:20:09,876 we never really felt like we knew you. 464 00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:12,045 Yeah, you were always so secretive or something. 465 00:20:12,295 --> 00:20:14,130 It was like being friends with a stranger. 466 00:20:14,297 --> 00:20:15,465 What are you guys talking about? 467 00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:17,425 I literally tell you everything. 468 00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:18,718 I don't think that's true. 469 00:20:18,801 --> 00:20:21,554 It's like, there's this wall with you. 470 00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:23,514 No, there's... 471 00:20:26,434 --> 00:20:27,977 God-- Okay, whatever. 472 00:20:28,186 --> 00:20:29,270 Whatever. I don't care. 473 00:20:29,354 --> 00:20:30,980 I'm sorry that I'm not like an over-sharer 474 00:20:31,064 --> 00:20:33,149 like every other fucking girl in our generation. 475 00:20:33,524 --> 00:20:35,777 I just think that you could open up more. 476 00:20:36,527 --> 00:20:37,445 Okay. 477 00:20:37,779 --> 00:20:39,822 Okay, is this open enough for you? 478 00:20:39,906 --> 00:20:41,032 Fuck you both. 479 00:20:41,115 --> 00:20:44,202 You really hurt my feelings, and I hope an air conditioner falls on you. 480 00:20:53,544 --> 00:20:57,674 Hey, you haven't been out in a bit, so I brought you some food from work. 481 00:20:57,966 --> 00:20:59,801 -What is it? -A burrito. 482 00:21:03,054 --> 00:21:05,014 No, I don't want beef. Just throw it in the trash 483 00:21:08,434 --> 00:21:10,645 Look, I know you wanted to room with your friends from home. 484 00:21:10,853 --> 00:21:13,314 They're not my friends, they're mouth-breathing cunts 485 00:21:14,232 --> 00:21:15,483 Right. Okay. 486 00:21:16,150 --> 00:21:19,779 Well, I think if you give us a chance, you'll really like living with us. 487 00:21:20,029 --> 00:21:21,948 We're playing UNO in the other room right now-- 488 00:21:22,031 --> 00:21:25,076 Kimberly, I'm from New York City, okay? 489 00:21:25,159 --> 00:21:28,705 And I know from your world that probably sounds like a really fun evening. 490 00:21:28,788 --> 00:21:31,874 But for me, that's worse than getting a Pap smear. 491 00:21:32,834 --> 00:21:34,585 So can you shut the door when you leave? 492 00:21:42,427 --> 00:21:44,595 You guys can borrow any of my clothes you like. Bras, underwear. 493 00:21:44,679 --> 00:21:45,680 Nothing's off limits. 494 00:21:46,264 --> 00:21:47,765 I'd like to borrow yours, too. If that's cool. 495 00:21:48,641 --> 00:21:49,600 I'll think about it. 496 00:21:49,684 --> 00:21:50,560 Yeah. 497 00:21:50,935 --> 00:21:53,104 Sure. No pressure. I'll follow up about it tomorrow. 498 00:21:54,188 --> 00:21:55,815 Hey, is this Leighton Murray's room? 499 00:22:01,529 --> 00:22:02,488 Hello? 500 00:22:02,864 --> 00:22:04,907 Yes, she lives here. 501 00:22:05,408 --> 00:22:06,951 Damn, She's a lucky lady. 502 00:22:07,035 --> 00:22:08,327 You guys make a sexy couple. 503 00:22:08,953 --> 00:22:10,204 She's my sister, actually. 504 00:22:10,788 --> 00:22:11,664 Yikes. 505 00:22:11,914 --> 00:22:13,332 You're Leighton's brother? 506 00:22:13,416 --> 00:22:15,209 Then you're practically family. 507 00:22:15,334 --> 00:22:16,544 Come to mama. 508 00:22:17,837 --> 00:22:18,880 Wow. 509 00:22:19,255 --> 00:22:20,548 It's like hugging a statue. 510 00:22:21,674 --> 00:22:23,301 Hi, I'm Whitney. 511 00:22:23,384 --> 00:22:24,260 Sorry about her. 512 00:22:24,343 --> 00:22:25,470 Oh, Whitney Chase? 513 00:22:25,845 --> 00:22:27,138 Your mom's a senator, right? 514 00:22:27,221 --> 00:22:28,347 That's really dope. 515 00:22:29,223 --> 00:22:30,308 I'm Kimberly. 516 00:22:31,225 --> 00:22:32,560 My parents aren't famous. 517 00:22:32,894 --> 00:22:34,604 My dad's a manager at Walgreens. 518 00:22:35,855 --> 00:22:36,856 Cool. 519 00:22:36,939 --> 00:22:38,066 Nice to meet you, Kimberly, 520 00:22:41,069 --> 00:22:42,153 Nico, What are you doing here? 521 00:22:43,613 --> 00:22:44,822 Whoa! Leighton. 522 00:22:45,948 --> 00:22:46,824 You look like shit. 523 00:22:49,243 --> 00:22:50,787 Leight, this isn't that bad. 524 00:22:51,204 --> 00:22:54,749 I mean, for what it's worth, I thought all your friends in high school really sucked. 525 00:22:54,874 --> 00:22:57,210 Thanks. You always know how to cheer me up. 526 00:22:57,293 --> 00:22:59,587 Look, this could be a blessing in disguise. 527 00:22:59,670 --> 00:23:01,631 I mean, I don't talk to anyone from high school anymore 528 00:23:01,714 --> 00:23:03,466 Yeah, 'cause you don't need to. 529 00:23:04,050 --> 00:23:06,302 Okay? Everyone wants to be friends with you. 530 00:23:06,385 --> 00:23:09,097 I'm just some judgmental dickhead with hormonal acne. 531 00:23:09,180 --> 00:23:12,975 Hey, stop. I think your face looks fine. 532 00:23:13,059 --> 00:23:14,727 That is because I use a great concealer. 533 00:23:14,811 --> 00:23:15,853 Look, Leight... 534 00:23:17,897 --> 00:23:19,607 you are the strongest person I know. 535 00:23:20,900 --> 00:23:23,444 Okay? I'm your older brother and I'm even scared of you. 536 00:23:23,986 --> 00:23:24,946 But you, 537 00:23:25,321 --> 00:23:27,156 you're going to crush Essex. 538 00:23:28,699 --> 00:23:29,742 You really think so? 539 00:23:30,118 --> 00:23:31,035 I do. 540 00:23:33,913 --> 00:23:34,997 You're a good person. 541 00:23:35,873 --> 00:23:38,459 Underneath all your bad qualities. 542 00:23:39,585 --> 00:23:40,461 Thank you. 543 00:23:44,132 --> 00:23:46,425 Hey, so Cory keeps asking about you. 544 00:23:46,759 --> 00:23:48,886 He's excited that you're finally on campus. 545 00:23:49,345 --> 00:23:50,221 Oh, cool. 546 00:23:51,139 --> 00:23:52,306 So what should I tell him? 547 00:23:53,307 --> 00:23:55,226 You should tell him that I don't want to discuss 548 00:23:55,309 --> 00:23:56,769 my dating life with my older brother. 549 00:23:56,853 --> 00:23:57,979 Okay, fair enough. 550 00:23:59,313 --> 00:24:01,357 All right, I'm gonna go. 551 00:24:01,691 --> 00:24:05,069 But I think you can handle being civil to those girls for the next eight months. 552 00:24:05,403 --> 00:24:06,946 They seem perfectly nice to me. 553 00:24:07,029 --> 00:24:08,739 Well, that's because they want to have sex with you. 554 00:24:08,906 --> 00:24:09,824 I know they do. 555 00:24:10,491 --> 00:24:12,827 Hey, you're disgusting. 556 00:24:15,830 --> 00:24:19,584 I was such a bitch to them, you know. Like... 557 00:24:20,710 --> 00:24:22,044 Do something nice then. 558 00:24:23,045 --> 00:24:24,964 Show them you're going to be a good roommate. 559 00:24:28,176 --> 00:24:29,260 I'll see you around. 560 00:24:38,519 --> 00:24:40,146 Were you just changing in the closet? 561 00:24:40,563 --> 00:24:41,522 What? No. 562 00:24:41,814 --> 00:24:43,900 I mean, I went from one outfit to another. 563 00:24:44,025 --> 00:24:46,027 So, I mean, I guess, if you call that changing. 564 00:24:46,235 --> 00:24:48,404 Are you, like, religious or something? 565 00:24:48,613 --> 00:24:54,452 No, I've just never lived with anyone before, so I don't really know what to do. 566 00:24:54,785 --> 00:24:57,622 Hey, so I saw you checking out Leighton's brother tonight? 567 00:24:57,830 --> 00:24:59,207 Oh, definitely not. No. 568 00:24:59,290 --> 00:25:02,084 I have Max, my boyfriend from home, who I'm, like, in love with. 569 00:25:02,168 --> 00:25:05,546 So if you're saying that because you like Nico, you should definitely go for it. 570 00:25:06,214 --> 00:25:07,298 No, that's all right. 571 00:25:07,673 --> 00:25:09,342 I like men, not boys. 572 00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:20,603 Hey, Lila. 573 00:25:21,229 --> 00:25:22,104 Hey. 574 00:25:22,897 --> 00:25:25,358 I just want to say I'm so inspired by you. 575 00:25:26,525 --> 00:25:29,862 This morning, when my alarm clock went off, I thought to myself, kill me. 576 00:25:29,946 --> 00:25:32,114 But then I was like, "Shut up, Kimberly. 577 00:25:32,406 --> 00:25:34,700 If Lila can go through what she's going through 578 00:25:34,784 --> 00:25:36,953 and come to work, you can get out of bed." 579 00:25:38,246 --> 00:25:39,538 What exactly am I going through? 580 00:25:40,414 --> 00:25:42,583 I mean, you know, it can't be easy with a baby. 581 00:25:43,793 --> 00:25:46,629 And the baby's dad being incarcerated. 582 00:25:46,837 --> 00:25:48,547 'Cause prison isn't just for the prisoner. 583 00:25:48,631 --> 00:25:51,259 In a way, it's prison for the whole family. 584 00:25:52,218 --> 00:25:54,220 The fuck are you talking about? 585 00:25:54,387 --> 00:25:58,057 I don't have a kid or a baby daddy, and definitely not one that's in jail. 586 00:25:58,599 --> 00:25:59,725 But Canaan said... 587 00:26:02,812 --> 00:26:06,023 Yeah, well, he was messing with you, and he knew you'd believe it too, 588 00:26:06,107 --> 00:26:08,901 because you're some hick from shit town, Arizoni. 589 00:26:09,235 --> 00:26:11,445 Wow! Canaan, you're such an asshole. 590 00:26:11,696 --> 00:26:14,407 Okay, to be fair, it was pretty funny. 591 00:26:14,532 --> 00:26:15,992 So it was all bullshit? 592 00:26:16,117 --> 00:26:18,244 I bet your mom's not even addicted to crack. 593 00:26:18,327 --> 00:26:20,246 No, she's a paralegal in Maryland. 594 00:26:20,663 --> 00:26:22,999 Are you mad that my mom's not a crackhead? 595 00:26:23,165 --> 00:26:25,126 Yeah. I mean, no. 596 00:26:26,002 --> 00:26:28,796 I mean, I'm just trying to meet people in a school where I don't know anyone. 597 00:26:28,879 --> 00:26:29,755 You don't have to be a jerk. 598 00:26:30,047 --> 00:26:33,009 Okay, okay. Relax, relax. 599 00:26:33,092 --> 00:26:35,970 He doesn't mean it. He's going through a lot at home. 600 00:26:37,263 --> 00:26:41,392 His brother just ruined a promising football career by joining a gang. 601 00:26:43,352 --> 00:26:44,603 Well, I didn't know that-- 602 00:26:44,687 --> 00:26:47,773 His name is Rashad, but now he makes us call him Doug Blood. 603 00:26:48,858 --> 00:26:50,443 Oh, my God. Come on. Shut up! 604 00:26:51,360 --> 00:26:53,029 What is wrong with you two? 605 00:26:58,743 --> 00:27:00,036 (singing) When I walk in the club all the boys get sick 606 00:27:00,119 --> 00:27:01,537 I drop the floor and I break this wrist 607 00:27:01,620 --> 00:27:02,496 Willow! 608 00:27:02,580 --> 00:27:03,831 (singing) I walk to that boy and I twist this twist 609 00:27:03,914 --> 00:27:05,750 Me know dem care, I blow dem kiss 610 00:27:05,833 --> 00:27:07,626 I'm walking around and them things gon' drop... 611 00:27:07,710 --> 00:27:08,586 Over here. 612 00:27:08,669 --> 00:27:09,837 (singing) Shake it all the way to the top, hot 613 00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:11,672 Thirty inch weave to the floor like a mop... 614 00:27:11,756 --> 00:27:12,715 What the fuck? 615 00:27:12,798 --> 00:27:13,674 Let's go! 616 00:27:13,799 --> 00:27:15,384 (singing) Rockin' to the beat we rockin' to the beat 617 00:27:15,468 --> 00:27:17,511 And breaking all the knees we drippin' in designer... 618 00:27:17,970 --> 00:27:20,056 All right. This is yours, Whitney. This is yours. 619 00:27:21,724 --> 00:27:23,809 What the fuck is your problem? 620 00:27:23,893 --> 00:27:25,728 Don't touch me, you entitled bitch. 621 00:27:25,811 --> 00:27:27,063 Enough! Enough! Enough, enough. 622 00:27:27,146 --> 00:27:28,147 All right, you're done for the day. Go. 623 00:27:28,230 --> 00:27:29,106 -What-- Just me? -Go! 624 00:27:29,190 --> 00:27:31,525 Are you serious? She shoved me first. Everyone saw it. 625 00:27:31,942 --> 00:27:34,820 All right, back to practice, everyone. Come on. What are you looking at? 626 00:27:37,365 --> 00:27:38,532 What was that? 627 00:27:39,325 --> 00:27:40,201 A Kit Kat. 628 00:27:40,284 --> 00:27:42,119 Fuck your KitKat. I'm talking about Jena. 629 00:27:42,203 --> 00:27:43,371 She already hates me. 630 00:27:43,454 --> 00:27:46,165 The last thing I need is looking like I'm getting special treatment. 631 00:27:46,248 --> 00:27:48,376 Let me fight my own battles. I can handle myself. 632 00:27:48,459 --> 00:27:51,170 Yeah, if by handle yourself, you mean, get your ass kicked. 633 00:27:51,253 --> 00:27:53,214 Jena was throwing you around the field like a rag doll. 634 00:27:53,297 --> 00:27:54,632 What was I going to do? Let her rip your head off? 635 00:27:54,715 --> 00:27:56,801 Look, this is my problem, not yours. 636 00:27:56,884 --> 00:27:58,803 Really, you're only making things worse. 637 00:27:59,470 --> 00:28:00,513 Whitney. 638 00:28:05,309 --> 00:28:06,185 Hey. 639 00:28:06,685 --> 00:28:07,561 Hey! 640 00:28:08,687 --> 00:28:11,732 Eric, right? I'm Bela Malhotra. I'm a freshman. 641 00:28:12,108 --> 00:28:14,110 I was at The Catullan Orientation the other day. 642 00:28:15,861 --> 00:28:18,531 Sorry, there's literally hundreds of people there. 643 00:28:18,614 --> 00:28:20,116 I'm still reeling from the e-mails. 644 00:28:20,658 --> 00:28:23,661 So I know you said that we should drop off our submission packets, 645 00:28:23,744 --> 00:28:26,163 but I was wondering if I could film mine so you could hear it in my voice. 646 00:28:27,123 --> 00:28:28,707 Or I could read it to you right now. 647 00:28:28,791 --> 00:28:31,043 Oh, no, I really wouldn't like that. 648 00:28:31,335 --> 00:28:34,004 Look, it's great that you're excited, but don't be too bummed 649 00:28:34,088 --> 00:28:35,714 if you don't make the staff this year. 650 00:28:35,798 --> 00:28:37,216 What? Why would you say that? 651 00:28:37,508 --> 00:28:41,220 It's just with all the freshmen and upperclassmen that are reapplying, 652 00:28:42,721 --> 00:28:44,515 I don't know if there's going to that many female spots. 653 00:28:45,224 --> 00:28:48,394 Female spots? You haven't even read all the submissions yet. 654 00:28:48,769 --> 00:28:50,062 It's just a really competitive year, you know. 655 00:28:50,146 --> 00:28:51,772 A bunch of siblings of staff members are submitting, 656 00:28:51,856 --> 00:28:53,941 and we already have two women on staff, so... 657 00:28:54,442 --> 00:28:56,777 -Of, like, 15 people. -Look, I hate it, too. 658 00:28:56,861 --> 00:28:59,947 I would give anything for Elizabeth Warren to be president, but... 659 00:29:00,739 --> 00:29:02,533 Keep your chin up. You know, if you love comedy, 660 00:29:02,616 --> 00:29:04,201 there's like five other improv troupes on campus. 661 00:29:07,163 --> 00:29:09,415 And that one group, The Pot Stickers is all-Asian. 662 00:29:10,124 --> 00:29:11,125 So... 663 00:29:16,255 --> 00:29:19,008 So these are for you all. 664 00:29:20,885 --> 00:29:21,802 Come on. Open them. 665 00:29:23,345 --> 00:29:24,555 Oh, my God! 666 00:29:24,889 --> 00:29:26,223 -An iPad? -An iPad? 667 00:29:27,224 --> 00:29:28,601 Holy shit! 668 00:29:28,934 --> 00:29:30,978 So it looks like I will be staying, 669 00:29:31,061 --> 00:29:35,357 and this was my little way of apologizing for being such a bitch. 670 00:29:35,441 --> 00:29:39,320 I should have never called you tacky, a podunk, 671 00:29:39,653 --> 00:29:40,779 new money jock. 672 00:29:41,030 --> 00:29:42,573 You never said that. 673 00:29:43,324 --> 00:29:44,200 I didn't? 674 00:29:45,075 --> 00:29:48,496 Anyway, I really feel like we could have a positive living experience together. 675 00:29:48,913 --> 00:29:50,289 So what do you think? 676 00:29:52,208 --> 00:29:53,125 -Yeah, okay. -Okay. 677 00:29:58,672 --> 00:29:59,632 Hi, I... 678 00:29:59,715 --> 00:30:02,301 Sorry. We don't want to sign your environmental petition or whatever. 679 00:30:02,760 --> 00:30:04,094 -Oh... -Max! 680 00:30:04,720 --> 00:30:05,804 Hey! 681 00:30:06,931 --> 00:30:10,059 Oh, my God! This is Max, my boyfriend. 682 00:30:10,392 --> 00:30:11,936 The one that looks like Shawn Mendes? 683 00:30:12,019 --> 00:30:14,480 Shawn Mendes. People tell me I look like that all the time. 684 00:30:14,647 --> 00:30:15,940 What are you doing here? 685 00:30:16,023 --> 00:30:18,692 I wanted to surprise you. So I took the train up from Princeton, 686 00:30:18,776 --> 00:30:20,653 and I thought I could stay with you through the weekend. 687 00:30:20,778 --> 00:30:22,029 Of course. 688 00:30:22,196 --> 00:30:24,156 Yes. I'm so happy to see you. 689 00:30:25,366 --> 00:30:27,535 You guys have, like, food? I'm starving. 690 00:30:27,618 --> 00:30:29,370 And I left my credit card at Princeton. 691 00:30:33,123 --> 00:30:35,084 (Bela) Hey, does anyone have plans tonight? 692 00:30:35,417 --> 00:30:36,585 I might. 693 00:30:36,835 --> 00:30:41,632 Do any of you know what a "Drop it like F. Scott" party is? 694 00:30:42,049 --> 00:30:43,133 F. Scott Fitzgerald? 695 00:30:44,343 --> 00:30:46,262 You basically have to look like a 20s slut. 696 00:30:46,512 --> 00:30:47,429 Oh, sweet. 697 00:30:47,680 --> 00:30:49,682 The Catullan is throwing one for all the people submitting, 698 00:30:49,765 --> 00:30:50,975 but I don't know if I should go. 699 00:30:51,058 --> 00:30:52,726 I ran into the editor this morning, 700 00:30:52,810 --> 00:30:54,770 and he basically told me there's no reason to submit 701 00:30:54,853 --> 00:30:57,064 because there won't be any female spots this year. 702 00:30:57,898 --> 00:31:00,859 They have a quota for gender? That's insane. 703 00:31:00,943 --> 00:31:03,362 And you should definitely report him to University affairs, 704 00:31:03,445 --> 00:31:05,072 or, quite frankly, the ACLU. 705 00:31:05,155 --> 00:31:06,490 (scoffs) 706 00:31:06,574 --> 00:31:07,449 What? 707 00:31:07,908 --> 00:31:10,202 I'm sorry, but that's the dumbest shit I've ever heard. 708 00:31:10,452 --> 00:31:11,996 You want them to pick you, right? 709 00:31:12,079 --> 00:31:14,748 -Yeah. -Okay, well, make them like you. 710 00:31:15,165 --> 00:31:17,376 Hey, don't be like some histrionic feminist, 711 00:31:17,459 --> 00:31:20,629 just show them you're chill and you're fun to have around. 712 00:31:21,755 --> 00:31:23,132 I think Leighton's right. 713 00:31:25,593 --> 00:31:26,468 Girls! 714 00:31:27,261 --> 00:31:28,178 Desserts are out. 715 00:32:01,754 --> 00:32:03,797 Ryan. Hey, Ryan. 716 00:32:04,089 --> 00:32:05,966 I just want to say I love your work. 717 00:32:06,258 --> 00:32:07,217 Love my work? 718 00:32:07,718 --> 00:32:09,470 Let me guess, freshman. 719 00:32:09,595 --> 00:32:11,722 -Yeah. -All right. Take it easy. 720 00:32:15,225 --> 00:32:17,186 Ryan, I just want to say... 721 00:32:18,812 --> 00:32:22,149 As a woman of color, and as a woman in comedy-- 722 00:32:22,232 --> 00:32:23,859 Hey, let me stop you right there, 723 00:32:23,942 --> 00:32:25,194 I'm super high right now, 724 00:32:25,277 --> 00:32:27,529 so whatever this is, it's being wasted on me. 725 00:32:27,613 --> 00:32:29,948 Hey, I just wanna be a part of The Catullan. 726 00:32:30,032 --> 00:32:33,160 That's awesome. But it's not up to me, we all vote. 727 00:32:33,243 --> 00:32:36,163 So if I were you, I'd try to get those guys on your side. 728 00:32:46,173 --> 00:32:47,341 You did what? 729 00:32:47,424 --> 00:32:49,093 I gave six hand jobs. 730 00:32:49,843 --> 00:32:52,221 Not at the same time. What did you think? I'm not like pornstar. 731 00:32:52,805 --> 00:32:54,139 I talked to each of them, 732 00:32:54,264 --> 00:32:56,600 told them I was a writer, that I love their work, 733 00:32:56,684 --> 00:33:00,062 and if they voted for me, I could be into doing some hand stuff. 734 00:33:00,354 --> 00:33:02,439 I told them I'm a girl who's chill, just like you told me to. 735 00:33:02,523 --> 00:33:05,734 I definitely didn't tell you to jerk a bunch of dicks. 736 00:33:06,068 --> 00:33:08,320 Okay, first off, why the shade? 737 00:33:08,404 --> 00:33:09,571 I got two things out of this. 738 00:33:09,655 --> 00:33:10,989 This is a win-win for me. 739 00:33:11,073 --> 00:33:12,908 I helped my chances of getting on The Catullan, 740 00:33:12,991 --> 00:33:14,660 and I got to give a bunch of hand jobs. 741 00:33:14,743 --> 00:33:16,203 No one likes giving hand jobs. 742 00:33:16,286 --> 00:33:17,329 Maybe I do. 743 00:33:17,413 --> 00:33:18,831 Maybe I love it. 744 00:33:18,914 --> 00:33:22,918 I've had, like, zero sexual experiences for most of my sad ass life. 745 00:33:23,001 --> 00:33:26,296 So if suddenly I'm hot enough to have a bunch of dicks thrown my way, 746 00:33:26,380 --> 00:33:28,132 sorry, but I'm gonna crank 'em! 747 00:33:28,590 --> 00:33:29,591 What's going on? 748 00:33:29,675 --> 00:33:31,677 Bela traded sex for an opportunity. 749 00:33:31,760 --> 00:33:33,971 Just like men have been doing for centuries. I flipped the script! 750 00:33:34,054 --> 00:33:37,599 -I'm not sure you did. -Sex positive, you all. 751 00:33:37,683 --> 00:33:38,600 Deal with it! 752 00:33:39,226 --> 00:33:42,563 As a feminist, I think female sex positivity is great. 753 00:33:50,154 --> 00:33:51,405 You're so beautiful. 754 00:33:51,989 --> 00:33:52,948 Thank you. 755 00:33:53,073 --> 00:33:56,827 -I like your skin tone. -My skin tone? 756 00:33:56,910 --> 00:33:58,162 What? What did I say? 757 00:33:58,245 --> 00:34:00,038 You sound like you have a Black girl fetish. 758 00:34:00,122 --> 00:34:00,998 No. 759 00:34:01,415 --> 00:34:03,041 You said no, really fast. 760 00:34:03,167 --> 00:34:07,463 I do tend to find Black women more attractive than other kinds of women. 761 00:34:07,546 --> 00:34:10,549 -But that's okay, right? -Yeah. That's okay, 762 00:34:10,632 --> 00:34:13,343 until you're like, "I love your chocolaty skin." 763 00:34:13,427 --> 00:34:14,970 I did not say chocolaty. 764 00:34:15,053 --> 00:34:17,556 I know not to say that. I really like you. 765 00:34:18,390 --> 00:34:20,184 Okay, good. 766 00:34:21,059 --> 00:34:22,102 I like you, too. 767 00:34:22,770 --> 00:34:24,646 If anything, I have a soccer fetish. 768 00:34:25,647 --> 00:34:26,565 Shit. 769 00:34:29,359 --> 00:34:30,402 We should go. 770 00:34:32,654 --> 00:34:34,698 Well, Leighton is basically Melania. 771 00:34:34,782 --> 00:34:36,784 But the rest of them seem pretty nice. 772 00:34:38,452 --> 00:34:40,537 I'm so glad to see you. 773 00:34:41,371 --> 00:34:43,665 The adjustment has been way harder than I expected. 774 00:34:44,416 --> 00:34:46,126 I didn't know how rich everyone would be. 775 00:34:46,210 --> 00:34:47,711 It's the same at Princeton. 776 00:34:48,003 --> 00:34:50,756 My roommate's family brought help on move in day. 777 00:34:54,218 --> 00:34:56,553 But I guess you and I can be poor together. 778 00:35:00,098 --> 00:35:01,141 I love you. 779 00:35:02,351 --> 00:35:03,393 I love you, too. 780 00:35:19,076 --> 00:35:20,577 Everybody's asleep. 781 00:35:20,744 --> 00:35:21,829 -Yeah? -Yeah. 782 00:35:26,124 --> 00:35:30,754 (singing) Two hearts and three lost words Fall through the universe... 783 00:35:30,838 --> 00:35:31,922 Should we-- 784 00:35:32,005 --> 00:35:33,423 (singing) And we collide... 785 00:35:34,174 --> 00:35:35,551 I mean, only if you're ready. 786 00:35:36,844 --> 00:35:38,011 I'm so ready. 787 00:35:40,556 --> 00:35:46,353 (singing) You are with me from the end to the start 788 00:35:47,646 --> 00:35:50,357 When gravity pulls on us 789 00:35:50,440 --> 00:35:56,029 You are with me from the end to the start... 790 00:35:57,239 --> 00:35:58,115 How's that? 791 00:35:58,198 --> 00:36:00,450 (singing) When gravity pulls on us 792 00:36:10,377 --> 00:36:11,420 (both moaning) 793 00:36:13,839 --> 00:36:14,965 (Max) Holy shit. 794 00:36:16,758 --> 00:36:18,552 So, I have to work until 10:00, 795 00:36:18,635 --> 00:36:21,346 but we can meet up for a late breakfast after if you want. 796 00:36:23,181 --> 00:36:24,600 Or we could go to the campus store, 797 00:36:24,683 --> 00:36:26,977 and get you one of those "Proud Essex Boyfriend" t-shirts. 798 00:36:29,563 --> 00:36:30,689 What's up? What's wrong? 799 00:36:31,982 --> 00:36:36,153 So I was thinking, maybe we should both be free. 800 00:36:36,403 --> 00:36:37,362 I totally agree. 801 00:36:37,988 --> 00:36:38,989 Free from what? 802 00:36:39,948 --> 00:36:41,658 Free from each other. 803 00:36:42,743 --> 00:36:44,036 Like, free from each other? 804 00:36:46,330 --> 00:36:48,707 Are you breaking up with me? 805 00:36:49,499 --> 00:36:52,044 I think of it more as me initiating 806 00:36:52,127 --> 00:36:54,379 the conversation of our mutual independence. 807 00:36:55,297 --> 00:36:56,673 Are you fucking kidding me? 808 00:36:56,757 --> 00:36:59,217 You took my virginity and now you're dumping me? 809 00:36:59,301 --> 00:37:03,305 Whoa! We took each other's virginity. Mine was just as fragile as yours. 810 00:37:03,513 --> 00:37:05,015 Dude, that is fucked up. 811 00:37:05,557 --> 00:37:06,975 Can we have some privacy, please? 812 00:37:07,768 --> 00:37:09,895 No. You had the common room all last night 813 00:37:09,978 --> 00:37:13,148 with your grunty novice-boinking while we were trapped in our rooms. 814 00:37:13,231 --> 00:37:15,943 And we had to listen to your crappy sex playlist on repeat. 815 00:37:16,234 --> 00:37:17,694 You made me hate Ed Sheeran. 816 00:37:17,861 --> 00:37:20,906 Is that why you came here? To have sex, and then dump me? 817 00:37:21,657 --> 00:37:23,617 Look, I really care about you, Kim-- 818 00:37:23,700 --> 00:37:27,454 No. Don't say anything. I never ever want to see you again. 819 00:37:33,043 --> 00:37:35,504 Um, I'm so sorry about that. 820 00:37:35,587 --> 00:37:39,716 And I'm going to go, but I did forget my toothbrush. 821 00:37:39,883 --> 00:37:42,177 -Put a shirt on. -Get the fuck out of here, dude. 822 00:37:45,305 --> 00:37:47,766 Hi, Bela. Hi, Bela. Hi, Bela. 823 00:37:48,308 --> 00:37:49,184 Hi, Bela. 824 00:37:49,267 --> 00:37:50,143 Hi, Bela. 825 00:37:50,227 --> 00:37:51,186 I want to, 826 00:37:51,645 --> 00:37:54,022 no matter what happens, I want you to know that I'm proud-- 827 00:37:54,106 --> 00:37:56,733 No matter what, I want you to know that I'm so proud of you. 828 00:37:56,817 --> 00:37:57,734 Hi, Bela. 829 00:37:58,235 --> 00:37:59,486 No matter what-- Bela. 830 00:38:00,737 --> 00:38:02,197 Testing. 831 00:38:03,240 --> 00:38:06,618 Hi, Bela. It's you, Bela. 832 00:38:07,536 --> 00:38:10,330 Today, you find out if you make The Catullan or not. 833 00:38:10,914 --> 00:38:15,210 But I want you to know that no matter what happens today, I'm proud of you. 834 00:38:15,794 --> 00:38:17,087 You're a boss bitch. 835 00:38:17,587 --> 00:38:21,591 And just remember, Molly Shannon didn't get SNL on her first try. 836 00:38:21,675 --> 00:38:23,260 Neither did Rachel Dratch. 837 00:38:23,593 --> 00:38:26,930 {\an8} But eventually they all did, and went on to become icons. 838 00:38:27,014 --> 00:38:29,725 {\an8} And you know what? You fucking will-- 839 00:38:30,183 --> 00:38:31,476 (screams) 840 00:38:31,977 --> 00:38:33,228 Yes! 841 00:38:35,564 --> 00:38:37,566 Dude, can you move your reflections of my selfie? 842 00:38:44,197 --> 00:38:45,157 Dalton. 843 00:38:46,408 --> 00:38:48,118 -Hey. -Hey. 844 00:38:49,453 --> 00:38:51,204 Dude, are you serious? 845 00:38:51,580 --> 00:38:55,083 Are Tapatio Doritos really part of a healthy on-season diet? 846 00:38:55,917 --> 00:38:57,669 Shouldn't you be leading by example? 847 00:38:57,836 --> 00:39:00,088 -Yeah, I know, I just-- -Babe. 848 00:39:00,630 --> 00:39:02,841 Babe, is this one of your players? 849 00:39:03,175 --> 00:39:05,302 Hi. I'm Michelle. I'm Dalton's wife. 850 00:39:05,385 --> 00:39:06,470 So nice to meet you. 851 00:39:08,430 --> 00:39:11,099 -This is Whitney. -Oh, my God. 852 00:39:11,183 --> 00:39:13,977 Of course. I'm sorry, not to be a stalker or anything, 853 00:39:14,061 --> 00:39:15,896 but I'm a big fan of your mom. 854 00:39:15,979 --> 00:39:18,398 The way she gives it to the NRA, I just love her. 855 00:39:19,524 --> 00:39:21,151 Thanks. She's great. 856 00:39:22,110 --> 00:39:24,029 Yeah. I got to go. 857 00:39:24,654 --> 00:39:29,076 But it's really nice to put a face with the name I've heard so many times. 858 00:39:30,368 --> 00:39:31,244 Bye. 859 00:39:51,598 --> 00:39:53,391 (whispering) 860 00:39:57,646 --> 00:39:58,563 Hey, 861 00:39:59,231 --> 00:40:02,692 did you just throw your trash on the floor in front of him? 862 00:40:02,901 --> 00:40:04,319 He was already sweeping. 863 00:40:04,986 --> 00:40:08,281 So you just bounce your little breakfast wrap wrapper on the ground 864 00:40:08,365 --> 00:40:11,451 instead of carrying it to the trash like a normal fucking person? 865 00:40:11,910 --> 00:40:15,080 What the fuck is wrong with you? He's not your goddamn servant. 866 00:40:15,413 --> 00:40:16,331 It's not a big deal. 867 00:40:16,414 --> 00:40:18,792 Look, I get it. You're some asshole from that town 868 00:40:18,875 --> 00:40:20,752 where they shot Big Little Lies or some shit, 869 00:40:20,836 --> 00:40:22,921 and you wear hundred fucking dollar jeans. 870 00:40:23,380 --> 00:40:24,881 That's not a lot of money for jeans. 871 00:40:24,965 --> 00:40:27,676 Shut the fuck up. Not everyone on this campus has money. 872 00:40:27,968 --> 00:40:29,427 Some of us have to work these jobs 873 00:40:29,511 --> 00:40:32,806 because even if we didn't know it until we got here, we're kind of poor. 874 00:40:32,889 --> 00:40:35,142 So yeah, maybe I don't have the newest iPhone, 875 00:40:35,225 --> 00:40:38,770 and maybe I don't know what couscous is, but I'm still a fucking person, 876 00:40:38,854 --> 00:40:41,898 and so is he, so treat us like we fucking matter, okay? 877 00:40:41,982 --> 00:40:43,817 Okay, fine. 878 00:40:45,193 --> 00:40:46,236 I'm sorry. 879 00:40:48,113 --> 00:40:50,532 And no pants should cost more than $40. 880 00:40:51,116 --> 00:40:52,701 I agree with you, bitch. 881 00:40:56,329 --> 00:40:58,999 Oh, my God. This donut is insane. 882 00:40:59,082 --> 00:41:01,001 -You want a bite? -No, thanks. 883 00:41:01,084 --> 00:41:02,377 I don't eat for enjoyment. 884 00:41:02,711 --> 00:41:04,129 Leighton, what's up? 885 00:41:04,671 --> 00:41:06,631 -Hi. -You remember Cory, right? 886 00:41:06,715 --> 00:41:08,341 From the party at Montauk last summer? 887 00:41:09,009 --> 00:41:10,844 We were on the same team for flag football. 888 00:41:11,428 --> 00:41:14,431 Montauk? Flag football? That is the Whitest shit I've ever heard. 889 00:41:15,390 --> 00:41:16,600 I mean that as a compliment. 890 00:41:18,143 --> 00:41:22,230 Hey, if you need a tour around campus or something, let me know. 891 00:41:22,939 --> 00:41:24,024 Okay, thanks. 892 00:41:24,274 --> 00:41:26,693 -Does that offer include me? -No, it definitely does not. 893 00:41:26,902 --> 00:41:29,237 Hey, I know we just met, but would you be willing 894 00:41:29,321 --> 00:41:31,239 to lift your shirt up and show me your torso? 895 00:41:32,699 --> 00:41:34,701 I don't think anyone's ever asked me that before. 896 00:41:35,827 --> 00:41:36,828 Excuse me. 897 00:41:38,788 --> 00:41:41,082 That's great. You're very nice. 898 00:41:41,333 --> 00:41:43,752 Hey, if you and your roommates are free tonight, 899 00:41:43,835 --> 00:41:46,379 we're throwing a party at Theta Pi Delta. Just stop by. 900 00:41:47,005 --> 00:41:48,673 Yeah, stop by. 901 00:41:52,093 --> 00:41:54,095 My God! Leighton, you're gonna fuck a ten. 902 00:41:55,847 --> 00:41:56,723 Wow. 903 00:42:01,645 --> 00:42:03,188 Out of these beds, motherfuckers, 904 00:42:03,271 --> 00:42:06,691 because our suite just got invited to an upperclassmen party. 905 00:42:07,150 --> 00:42:10,153 I don't know about that. Today was really shitty. 906 00:42:10,237 --> 00:42:11,613 I'm just going to stay in and finish 907 00:42:11,696 --> 00:42:14,783 this sad Brazilian documentary about a snake who ate a boy. 908 00:42:14,866 --> 00:42:16,368 Yeah, I'm staying in too. 909 00:42:17,452 --> 00:42:20,080 No, no. Turn them off. We're going out. 910 00:42:20,914 --> 00:42:23,041 How exactly did we get invited to this party anyway? 911 00:42:23,833 --> 00:42:25,710 Leighton's smoke-show brother, Nico, 912 00:42:25,794 --> 00:42:30,423 and his somehow even hotter friend, Cory, who wants to rail Leighton. 913 00:42:30,507 --> 00:42:32,259 Yeah, I really, really don't want to go. 914 00:42:34,427 --> 00:42:36,221 Kimberly, sweetie, 915 00:42:37,097 --> 00:42:38,974 your boyfriend, Max, fucking sucked. 916 00:42:39,057 --> 00:42:42,102 He ate all our Nutri-Grain bars, and I'm pretty sure he used my luffa. 917 00:42:42,477 --> 00:42:45,981 I know he was your first love and your first, dick, 918 00:42:46,982 --> 00:42:48,024 but he was a dud. 919 00:42:48,108 --> 00:42:51,361 Also, he shed on the sofa like a cat. The dude was a yeti. 920 00:42:51,778 --> 00:42:52,696 Ugh. 921 00:42:53,071 --> 00:42:57,325 Look, we don't have power over when guys treat us like shit, 922 00:42:57,659 --> 00:43:00,120 but what we can control is how much we let it affect us. 923 00:43:00,704 --> 00:43:02,455 I think Hillary Clinton said that. 924 00:43:02,872 --> 00:43:07,419 So, I say, the four of us go out, get tanked, 925 00:43:07,627 --> 00:43:09,421 and who knows maybe we'll end up meeting a guy 926 00:43:09,504 --> 00:43:11,881 who doesn't treat us like garbage or not. 927 00:43:11,965 --> 00:43:13,967 It doesn't matter. At least we'll be having fun. 928 00:43:15,969 --> 00:43:16,928 What do you think? 929 00:43:17,470 --> 00:43:19,222 Come on, come on. 930 00:43:20,265 --> 00:43:21,141 Yes! 931 00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:23,685 Yeah, she does. 932 00:43:25,228 --> 00:43:27,355 -We're going to go out. -All right. 933 00:43:35,030 --> 00:43:38,908 (singing) Tonight, tonight I'm solo dancin' in my room 934 00:43:38,992 --> 00:43:42,996 Tonight, tonight, got time for me no time for you 935 00:43:43,204 --> 00:43:46,416 Tonight I'm tryna stay in on my own again 936 00:43:56,301 --> 00:43:59,429 It's freezing. I wish you had let me wear my anorak like I had wanted. 937 00:43:59,512 --> 00:44:02,015 No one in the history of the world has gotten laid wearing an anorak. 938 00:44:04,642 --> 00:44:05,602 Nico. 939 00:44:06,936 --> 00:44:08,271 Yo, let those girls through. 940 00:44:11,900 --> 00:44:14,861 Goddammit. I left my phone in the room. 941 00:44:15,195 --> 00:44:16,196 I'm going to go back and get it. 942 00:44:16,613 --> 00:44:18,823 -It's fine. Just use mine. -No, it's okay. I'll be right back. 943 00:44:18,907 --> 00:44:22,410 -Do you want us to wait for you? -No, it is fine. Go in. 944 00:44:22,494 --> 00:44:24,287 Let's go. My tits are freezing off. 945 00:44:37,509 --> 00:44:38,468 Wow. 946 00:44:39,177 --> 00:44:41,179 I can't believe we got in here. 947 00:44:41,471 --> 00:44:42,764 I fucking love college. 948 00:44:53,149 --> 00:44:55,568 Shit. Those two girls from The Catullan are over there. 949 00:44:57,362 --> 00:44:58,488 -Go say hi. -Not yet. 950 00:44:58,571 --> 00:45:00,824 I'm gonna play it cool for a little bit. I gotta keep it chill. 951 00:45:01,908 --> 00:45:04,077 -Can you stop looking at them? -I'm not looking at them. 952 00:45:04,160 --> 00:45:06,454 -Just keep your head facing forward. -Okay, fine. 953 00:45:08,998 --> 00:45:09,999 Next. 954 00:45:12,001 --> 00:45:14,712 -No. I'm sorry. These are open containers. -So? 955 00:45:15,130 --> 00:45:16,923 So someone could have put something in it. 956 00:45:17,006 --> 00:45:18,133 Do you have a bottle or a can? 957 00:45:18,800 --> 00:45:21,511 Sure. This frat party has a wide variety of drink options. 958 00:45:21,594 --> 00:45:23,388 -Do you want to see a wine list? -Oh, God. 959 00:45:23,596 --> 00:45:26,683 I think you're being sarcastic, but I'm not sure. 960 00:45:26,766 --> 00:45:29,602 These are great. Thank you so much. We're going to go. Thanks. 961 00:45:34,190 --> 00:45:35,650 {\an8}Max Hey, just wanted to check in on you. 962 00:45:35,733 --> 00:45:38,236 {\an8}(crowd chanting) Shot, shot... 963 00:45:38,319 --> 00:45:41,573 {\an8}And also, can I keep using your Netflix password? 964 00:45:42,824 --> 00:45:44,534 (crowd gasps) 965 00:45:46,369 --> 00:45:48,246 -Oh, my God. Are you okay? -Yeah. 966 00:45:48,621 --> 00:45:49,789 Let me get you some napkins. 967 00:45:49,873 --> 00:45:52,792 No, I just want to leave. I shouldn't have even come here. 968 00:45:52,876 --> 00:45:55,712 -Do you want us to come with you? -No, I really want to be alone. 969 00:46:00,925 --> 00:46:03,553 Hey, I know you, right? 970 00:46:04,137 --> 00:46:05,680 Yeah, I live with your sister. 971 00:46:05,930 --> 00:46:08,141 No, not that. I saw you on move-in day. 972 00:46:09,017 --> 00:46:10,143 You were checking me out. 973 00:46:10,518 --> 00:46:12,270 Me? I was not checking you out. 974 00:46:13,229 --> 00:46:15,648 I might have been looking at you. 975 00:46:15,732 --> 00:46:17,400 And yes, my eyes might have lingered on your body, 976 00:46:17,484 --> 00:46:21,154 but that's like a totally normal human reaction to a shirtless man running. 977 00:46:21,237 --> 00:46:22,947 I definitely was not checking you out. 978 00:46:23,031 --> 00:46:24,866 I'm just messing with you. Relax. 979 00:46:25,909 --> 00:46:27,702 -Are you leaving? -I am. 980 00:46:28,328 --> 00:46:31,789 Wow. Is our party that bad that even freshmen are leaving this early? 981 00:46:31,873 --> 00:46:34,459 No, I'm just having a really shitty day. 982 00:46:35,585 --> 00:46:36,461 What's going on? 983 00:46:36,544 --> 00:46:39,631 Well, I wanted to wear my anorak and no one would let me. 984 00:46:39,714 --> 00:46:43,134 And now I'm covered in pumpkin ale and my stupid fucking boyfriend dumped me. 985 00:46:43,218 --> 00:46:45,970 And I'm pretty sure he stole my deodorant before leaving. 986 00:46:46,763 --> 00:46:49,432 -Jesus Christ. -I know. 987 00:46:50,642 --> 00:46:53,311 -Have a nice night. -Hey, wait. I can help with this. 988 00:46:53,853 --> 00:46:55,647 Why don't I grab you something dry to wear 989 00:46:55,730 --> 00:46:58,566 and you can stay, and Theta can save a little face? 990 00:47:01,444 --> 00:47:04,614 -Yeah. Okay, I can do that. -Deal. 991 00:47:06,741 --> 00:47:08,409 Wow, I'm really smelling the beer on you now. 992 00:47:08,493 --> 00:47:10,119 I think a bunch of it got into my bra. 993 00:47:10,745 --> 00:47:12,247 Let me grab you that shirt. 994 00:47:21,172 --> 00:47:23,508 Hey, it's me Bela. 995 00:47:23,675 --> 00:47:25,134 I made the first cut in The Catullan. 996 00:47:25,593 --> 00:47:27,428 I'm really excited to work with you guys. 997 00:47:27,887 --> 00:47:29,973 Us girls in comedy got to stick together, right? 998 00:47:30,807 --> 00:47:32,642 Blow me, you freshman slut. 999 00:47:34,811 --> 00:47:36,479 Maybe you should have checked first 1000 00:47:36,563 --> 00:47:40,024 to see if any of those guys you jerked off had girlfriends. 1001 00:47:43,820 --> 00:47:46,698 My friends and I used to steal shit from Walgreens all the time. 1002 00:47:46,781 --> 00:47:48,825 My dad would not be happy about that. 1003 00:47:48,992 --> 00:47:49,867 -Hey. -Hey. 1004 00:47:49,951 --> 00:47:50,994 Sorry. Can we go? 1005 00:47:51,786 --> 00:47:53,621 Sure. Is everything okay? 1006 00:47:53,705 --> 00:47:55,873 Yeah, totally. Party's lame. Just want to go. 1007 00:47:56,833 --> 00:47:57,709 Sorry. 1008 00:47:58,126 --> 00:48:00,044 It's all good. Another time. 1009 00:48:01,254 --> 00:48:02,547 Should we grab Whitney and Leighton? 1010 00:48:02,922 --> 00:48:05,717 Whitney said she wants to stay, and Leighton didn't even come back. 1011 00:48:05,800 --> 00:48:06,801 She totally blew us off. 1012 00:48:08,219 --> 00:48:09,637 -Let's go. -Thank you. 1013 00:48:11,806 --> 00:48:13,683 -Hey, I'm Whitney. -Canaan. 1014 00:48:13,891 --> 00:48:15,226 -Canaan? -Yes, Canaan. 1015 00:48:15,393 --> 00:48:18,605 Is your mom religious or just super into towns in Connecticut? 1016 00:48:19,105 --> 00:48:20,106 Can't it be both? 1017 00:48:21,316 --> 00:48:23,359 -What dorm are you in? -No. 1018 00:48:23,818 --> 00:48:24,819 Excuse me? 1019 00:48:25,153 --> 00:48:28,781 Neither of us care what dorm I'm in. I want to see your room. 1020 00:48:29,365 --> 00:48:30,283 What? 1021 00:48:30,450 --> 00:48:32,910 Show me what your room looks like. 1022 00:48:35,747 --> 00:48:36,748 You trying to fuck? 1023 00:48:37,624 --> 00:48:39,626 Yeah. Let's show you the room. 1024 00:48:40,376 --> 00:48:41,961 Damn, I must look good tonight. 1025 00:48:42,503 --> 00:48:43,546 You're all right. 1026 00:48:46,716 --> 00:48:47,759 (indistinct chatter) 1027 00:48:58,645 --> 00:49:01,898 Hey Leighton! This is Kimberly Finkle. 1028 00:49:01,981 --> 00:49:04,108 (Your suitemate.) 1029 00:49:04,192 --> 00:49:06,486 (The one from Gilbert, Arizona.) 1030 00:49:06,569 --> 00:49:10,907 You never showed up at the party, so I just wanted to make sure you were okay. 1031 00:49:11,783 --> 00:49:13,493 -Another. -Sure. 1032 00:49:27,840 --> 00:49:29,550 {\an8}(singing) Hey, hey 1033 00:49:34,305 --> 00:49:38,017 {\an8} Rock and roll is here to stay 1034 00:49:57,912 --> 00:49:59,038 You're so hot. 1035 00:49:59,831 --> 00:50:02,041 No talking. Get on the bed.